Cinnamon Bunzuh! - An Animorphs Review Blog

Ifi's Fanfiction - Chapter Five, Part Four

2012-03-07T15:51:00.005-05:00

Sorry for the drop in quality. It’s midterms week. Someday I will edit this thing and make it coherent.

Six Days The Animorphs Were Idiots

The Day Jake Got So Wasted: Part Four

The Andalite Council met outside. It appeared that the Andalites did just about everything outside.

Cassie wondered what they did when it rained.

“No girls? Andalites are the most sexist species ever,” griped Rachel.

<It’s true,> said Ax placidly.

Cassie shushed them both. The Andalite Council appeared to be made up of older Andalites (and were, as Rachel observed, all male). None of them appeared very impressed by the humans. Some looked downright annoyed.

<We are missing a human,> said one of the oldest Andalites once everyone was assembled.

“Jake’s sick,” said Cassie. “He’s, uh, lying down.”

<Is he contagious?> worried another Andalite.

“No, no,” said Cassie. “He’ll be fine in a few hours.”

<Which of you speaks for the group?> asked the eldest. He seemed to be in charge, even though Ax said that there was no official ‘head’ of the council and nobody was supposed to be more powerful than anyone else.

“Eff,” muttered Marco.

“I do!” said Rachel. “Isn’t that right, guys?”

“Uh, right,” said Cassie. “Princess Rachel speaks for the group because she is charismatic and reasonable and completely sane.”

“Shut up, Cassie,” said Princess Rachel.

<We regret to inform you that we cannot spare the resources to fight the Yeerks on your planet at this time,> said the Councilmember who was probably in charge. <Our fleet is stretched too thin as it is. I believe you were told to await our assistance.>

“We can wait,” said Rachel. “We don't particularly want you to blow up the Earth anyway. But at least give us some proper weapons. I want my own shredder. And morphs. I want Andalite DNA, so I can tail-blade duel with Visser Three. And I want a ship. Not a fighter, a legit ship. But a small one that I can fit in my yard. And a backup shredder, in case the first one breaks. And some arsiths to boss around. And—”

“And I want a pony,” muttered Marco.

“—will take one of those psychic trees, too. Box it up for me.”

<Councilmembers!> interrupted Ax, clearly sensing disaster. <These humans have brought gifts for you, as a sign of their goodwill.>

<Gifts?> One of the youngest councilmembers looked interested.

<We have no need for human trinkets,> said the eldest, in true condescending Andalite fashion.

“You’ll like these,” said Cassie. “Who has the cooler, guys?”

“I do,” said Toby. “As the rest of you appeared to have forgotten about it. I don’t appreciate that I’ve had to carry it around all day.”

<That Hork-Bajir spoke,> said another Councilmember, looking surprised. <Coherently.>

“That Andalite stated the obvious,” snarked Toby. “Pointlessly.”

“Toby!” scolded Cassie. “I know your mother doesn’t let you talk like that.”

Toby grumbled a half-hearted apology.

“Okay, you guys are gonna want to morph humans for this one, since you have no mouths,” said Marco, kneeling down and opening up the cooler that Toby had been dragging around all day without anyone noticing. “What do we have here…? Okay, chips, ice cream…crap, we forgot cups.”

 said the eldest Councilmember.

“Fine. More for everyone else,” said Marco. “Who wants to go first?”

 said the younger Councilmember, the one who had spoken earlier. He came forward to look at what Marco was doing—opening a can of soda.

<What do you think you’re doing, Councilmember Fandor? Get back here!> yelled the eldest.

“You can use my DNA, if you want,” said Marco. “We brought extra pants.”

<What are pants?>

“Covering my eyes now,” said Cassie, turning away from the proceedings.

There was some more talking, a bit of fighting, and a short explanation of how zippers worked before Tobias said, <Okay, it’s safe to look now,> from his usual spot on Toby’s head.

Two Marcos stood before her on the grass. One of them wasn’t wearing a shirt. The real Marco passed a can of Pepsi over to the morphed Andalite.

“Pour it into your mouth and swallow the liquid,” directed Ax, who was also in his human morph and eyeing the prepackaged cinnamon buns covetously.

Fandor looked a little nervous but, to his credit, did as Ax said. Everyone watched carefully for his reactions. The other Councilmembers looked as though they were expecting him to fall down dead.

The can of soda landed on the grass. Ax rescued it and cradled it against his chest.

“Give!” demanded Fandor, when he was finally capable of speech again.

“You dropped it. It is mine now.”

“Ax,” scolded Cassie. “I know your mother doesn’t let you talk like that.”

“He dropped it,” whined Ax.

There was a brief scuffle between the Andalites that was eventually broken up by Marco giving each of them their own soda. After downing an entire can in less than a minute, Fandor was now sitting on the grass, too overcome by the sensation to stand upright on only two wobbly human legs.

“Bubbles,” rhapsodized Fandor. “Rising upward and filling the soul with light and joyous fizziness!”

<Councilmember Fandor has been poisoned,> announced the eldest Councilmember to nobody in particular. <And now he dies in the throes of hysteria.>

“Their planet must be liberated immediately!” cried Fandor, pointing at the Animorphs. “Medi! At! Lee! FIZINESS!”

 said another Councilmember.

“ZZZZ. Zuh. Zzz. NO IT IS MINE. Mmmm. Ness. Ess.”

Twenty minutes later, a fistfight broke out over a gallon of mint ice cream.

* * *
The last of the Andalite suns was beginning to set on the horizon, casting long shadows across the fields. The Animorphs had been sent away while the Council debated sending an armada to Earth and also divvied up the pretzels.

“Shut up and let me think!” yelled Cassie.

“Don’t yell at me!” yelled Rachel.

“Don’t yell at me!” retorted Cassie.

“Don’t yell,” moaned Jake, rolling over onto his stomach and covering his ears with his arms.

“Look,” said Marco. “We have two options. We can sit back and let the Andalites trash the Yeerks and put Earth down as collateral damage, or we can tell Visser Five she needs to get peace declared now.”

<We didn’t think this through all the way, did we?> said Tobias.

“I don’t like Visser Five’s plan,” said Cassie.

“I don’t like Visser Five,” said Toby.

“I think she does want what’s best for her people,” said Marco. “But I’m not saying I don’t think she’ll sell us out if she has to. Right now we’re just lucky that she’s decided what’s best for her people also happens to be good for us.”

“Fooling the entire galaxy into wanting peace is wrong,” persisted Cassie.

<Is it though?> asked Tobias. 

“So the ends justify the means?” demanded Cassie.

<Sometimes, yeah,> said Tobias. <Besides, I don’t think the means are so bad. Nobody’s getting hurt, or killed.>

“It’s lying.”

“Oh my God, Cassie, grow up,” said Rachel. “Lying to start a war, yeah, that’s wrong. But lying to end one? Do you not see a difference?”

“Well, obviously, but—”

“There’s bad lies and there’s good lies, okay? Like me telling you that those fugly overalls are okay to wear in public—”

“Can you leave my overalls out of this?”

“—that’s a lie that doesn’t get anyone killed. A bad lie would be something like…I dunno…”

<There’s no alcohol in that, it’s just cream,> supplied Tobias.

“That doesn’t count,” said Rachel. “It was hilarious.”

“You guys aren’t taking this seriously at all!” whined Cassie.

“Okay, Cassie,” said Marco. “The Andalites are leaving for Earth in as soon as the Pepsi runs out. You have until then to talk the Yeerks and Andalites into declaring peace. Let’s hear how you’d do it.”

“I don’t have a solution! You can’t expect me to come up with one!”

 said Ax.

“Okay, there’s that,” granted Marco. “If peace is declared, he’ll probably get off scot-free. I dunno how we could get around that.”

<We could sneak onto his ship and assassinate him,> suggested Ax. <Preferably after he has vacated Alloran’s body. Without his morphs, he would not be the threat to us that he is currently. Then we could defeat him. Force him from his new body. And eat him.>

“Eat him?” Marco repeated blankly.

<Yes. Yeerks are, after all,> Ax stomped one hoof on the grass, <photosynthetic.>

The horrified silence was broken only by the sound of Cassie vomiting down the front of her overalls.

end of day five

Next Week: The Day Ax Went Around Just Being Generally Awesome

Previous Part, Next Part

Book 25: The Extreme

2012-03-03T12:32:00.001-05:00

The Summary
The Chee have found out that the Yeerks are implementing some sort of plan to do something with satellites that will turn all bodies of water into Yeerk Pools. So the Animorphs have to put a stop to it. They sneak aboard the Blade ship, not knowing what their destination is, and find themselves freezing to death in the Arctic.

The only slightly useful morphs they have are wolves, so the Animorphs wander around for a while. They are also chased by new creatures that Ax identifies as Venber, which are very strong but cannot survive temperatures above zero. The Yeerks engineered them to do construction in the ice.

Eventually the Animorphs meet an Inuit boy named Derek and his polar bear friend Nanook. They acquire Nanook and attack the Yeerk facility. The Venber are unable to follow them inside where it is warm without melting, and the Animorphs easily steal a bug fighter and use it to blow everything up.

The Review
Adam: So, now we have our first ghostwritten book.
Adam: Please excuse my error the other week.
Ifi: Yeah Adam is a liar.
Adam: ...Thanks

Adam: Anycase, this book is courtesy of Mr. Jeffrey Zuehlke.
Ifi: Mr. Z decided the Animorphs needed to spend 3/4 of the text wandering around in the snow.
Adam: Yeah, this is another one of those road trip books.
Adam: This is the third one so far, as I recall?
Ifi: Well there was Leera and ummm
Adam: Amazon rainforest
Ifi: Right

Adam: So, the cover.
Ifi: Yep it's a polar bear.
Adam: It's a bit bland, honestly.
Adam: The pose isn't terribly exciting.
Ifi: This book isn't terribly exciting
Adam: Alas, this is true.
Adam: Though the color scheme is at least thematically appropriate.

Adam: So, we begin with Marco's love life.
Ifi: Marco actually got a date!
Ifi: With some throwaway character who will never be mentioned again
Adam: Oh throwaway love interest, you are always my favorite.
Adam: So, this girl who apparently has "Dreamweaver" playing in the background whenever she walks by ends up asking Marco to the opera.
Adam: This will obviously end well.
Ifi: What kind of middle schooler goes to see a live orchestra?
Adam: That is a very good question

"So then what happened?" Cassie asked me in study hall the day after what had come to be called The Big Date.

Study hall was being held in the school gym this week. They'd closed our usual classroom. Something about asbestos and lawsuits.

So instead of studying silently for an hour, a bunch of kids were playing basketball and volleyball while the rest of us, me and Cassie included, sat on the bleachers and talked. It was a big improvement.

"Well, after I failed in a bold attempt to escape during intermission, we went back in and the orchestra started to play. Again. And they played. And played. And I considered yelling 'Fire!' just to get outta the place. And when I woke up everybody was gone, including Marian."

----Book Twenty-Five, The Extreme

Ifi: -slow clap-
Adam: Marco, you have such a way with the ladies.
Ifi: Whatever, I prefer this sort of opening to stupid and dangerous cover-blowing antics
Adam: It still comes off as more than a bit pointless
Adam: And doesn't really add anything to the plot.
Ifi: The openings never do.
Adam: True enough

Adam: So anywho, Marco and Cassie are derping around in the gym, when who should show up, but our buddy Erek.
Ifi: Erek has an assignment for them!

"Our sources tell us the Yeerks have been trying to develop a way to broadcast Kandrona rays using human satellite technology," Erek told us. "They seem to have found some place on this planet isolated enough to allow them to erect a satellite station without interference. If they're successful, they could turn every backyard swimming pool in the world into a Yeerk pool."

----Book Twenty-Five, The Extreme

Ifi: I don't think that's how it works.
Adam: And therefor giving everyone on earth horrible cancer
Ifi: Well so I guess now we have to stop them.
Ifi: Whatever, it's a few days off from school
Ifi: I think this is the first time the Chee stand in for the whole team
Adam: I am honestly surprised that they didn't come up with this earlier.
Adam: When I was reading earlier books, I am always surprised when their parents yell at them for getting back late.
Adam: Particularly in book 19, where Cassie goes missing for a week
Adam: They really could have asked Erek to get a cover for her.
Ifi: Well that time I think they thought she was legitimately lost
Adam: Fair point.

<So, no problem, right?> Tobias said. <We fly out to Visser Three's feeding place and when the Bug fighter arrives, we hitch a ride.>

"That appears to be our only option."

"Shun. Shunn," Ax confirmed.

----Book Twenty-Five, The Extreme

Ifi: Great idea guys
Adam: …How do they know that Visser Three intends to go straight there after eating?
Adam: What if he had some business meetings or such first?
Ifi: The Chee said so.
Adam: I mean, it is always possible for him to have some intermediary chores in between those two things.

Ifi: Anyway, check out what Visser Three has in his room

There were various things hanging from the walls, like art. Some were large and elaborate, made of steel or something like steel. Some had electrical probes. Some had teeth or spikes or saws. We had an idea they might be instruments of torture collected from around the galaxy.

We had that idea because I recognized one of the artworks: It's called an "iron maiden." Not the dinosaur rock band, the Middle-Ages cage with the spikes inside.

----Book Twenty-Five, The Extreme

Adam: …Really?
Adam: I would have appreciated an attempt to make him even just a little bit less of a Saturday morning cartoon villain.
Ifi: Yeah I dunno
Adam: Have him have some weird pets, or a photo of his brother or Evanescence posters or something.

Ifi: Anyway, the flight to the mystery location is pretty long and I think at one point a Taxxon eats itself or something idk
Adam: Also, there are these weird creatures in tubes onboard
Ifi: Oh right yes

Rising up behind her was a pillar of glass. A cylinder ten feet, twelve feet tall, and half as broad. Inside the cylinder was a vague shape, blood-red and midnight-blue slashes highlighting a glistening silver body.

Yes, body. Because despite the frosted glass and the mist that filled the cylinder, that ten-foot-tall tube contained something biological.

There was a row of the cylinders spaced across the cargo bay. Maybe ten in all.

"They look like creatures of some kind," Cassie said.

[…]

"An alien race from a frozen moon several dozen light-years from here," Ax explained. "We learned about them in school. They were among the earliest evidence we obtained of life beyond our own planet. But the Venber have been extinct for thousands of years."

----Book Twenty-Five, The Extreme

Adam: This is suddenly turning into one of those paranormal mystery shows.

Ifi: The Venber have a pretty horrible backstory. They were killed and melted down into microchips.
Adam: Well, semiconductors, but yes.
Adam: Poor guys.
Adam: I mean, treating them that was ways just cold.

Adam: I've got plenty more, folks!
Ifi: Ugh go away
Adam: You know you love my wit and eccentric charm.

Ifi: Anyway they get themselves caught eventually

Shwooof! To our left a door opened.

Shwooof! To our right a door opened.

Shwooof! The door opened right ahead of us.

Each door was big enough to frame a dozen Hork-Bajir. Peering over their shoulders were more Hork-Bajir.

And right then I realized why Visser Three had let the ship land: He'd located us. He knew he had us. And we were definitely dead.

I stopped breathing. Hork-Bajir were everywhere. Everywhere! This wouldn't be a fight. This would be a slaughter.

Then, at the center door, he appeared.

<Well, well, well. Here aboard my own ship. How nice of you to come around to see me. Can I offer you anything? Something to drink? To eat? Or maybe just a quick death?>

----Book Twenty-Five, The Extreme

Adam: Seriously.
Adam: Saturday morning cartoon villain.
Ifi: But they escape. And it turns out they are in somewhere cold.
Adam: So for some idiot reason, they all go into their battle morphs.
Adam: Which include a tiger and a gorilla.
Ifi: Everyone died.
Adam: I died.
Adam: Inside, at least.

<Could be Alaska,> Tobias said. <About a mile that way I see some kind of base or even a town. Lots of gray, corrugated metal buildings. One bigger than the rest. Big doors like those on plane hangars. There's like this giant bowl attached to the roof. And that's the hawk report, boys and girls. I am morphing before I end up in the frozen foods section next to the frozen chicken.>

----Book Twenty-Five, The Extreme

Ifi: The next sixty pages are spent wandering around in the snow.
Adam: As it turns out, Alaska is cold.
Adam: Who knew?

Ifi: Also boring.
Adam: So, they make it to the building, where they promptly get attacked by Venber wielding giant laser cannons.
Adam: In retrospect, they really should have tried to acquire them.
Ifi: I know right?
Ifi: Everyone is freezing to death and nobody even thinks to try and pin one down
Adam: Because certainly a morph that can withstand sub-zero temperatures would never come in handy.
Adam: Though to be fair, these things are stated to be monstrously strong.
Ifi: They didn't even tryyyyyyy
Adam: Yeah, they really should make an attempt to get more alien morphs, overall.

Ifi: They actually don't seem to do much of anything
Ifi: in this book
Ifi: They dig a hole in the snow at one point
Adam: Yeah, it's just everyone walking around slowly freezing to death.
Ifi: To keep warm, some of them morph fleas and burrow into Rachel's fur for warm

I turned to look over my shaggy gray shoulder. I couldn't see the Venber. Couldn't smell them, either, despite the wind blowing from behind us.

<No way they gave up,> Tobias said. <We have to keep moving.>

<So says the flea all nice and warm in his honey's back fur,> I muttered.

<What did you say?> Rachel demanded. I guess she was shocked that I'd dare to make any remark suggesting she and Tobias were more than just friends and Animorphs. Like that was some big secret.

----Book Twenty-Five, The Extreme

Ifi: Also the Venber are following them as apparently they have nothing better to do.
Ifi: And then they find a polar bear! But they don't try to acquire him.
Adam: Well, if you were stuck in a place like this all day, you'd probably want to find something new to do

Adam: And yeah, this book suddenly turns into a nature documentary.

The polar bear pulled his head out of the water, shook it, and lumbered further out on the ice. Finally, when he was about twenty yards from the water's edge, he dropped onto his stomach and slithered along a few feet at a time.

The polar bear stopped. He'd found something.

Suddenly he raised one of his giant paws and slammed it through the ice. I heard a desperate squealing and saw a pair of gray shapes scurry out of the hole his paw had made. The shapes scurried off and jumped back into the water a few yards away. The bear kept his paw in the hole, reaching around for the seal he'd trapped.

Then he stuck his head through the hole. He stood up on his powerful legs. He raised his head. The seal was in his jaws. But the seal was too fat to fit through the hole.

He pulled it out anyway. The process made for instant, shredded seal.

----Book Twenty-Five, The Extreme

Ifi: Nature is beautiful

Ifi: Oh but there are leftovers! Hooray!

<But you're waiting for me to give my approval? Is that it?> [Cassie] said.

<Look,> I began again. If I had to be the jerk in this situation, that was fine. I was used to it. I was usually the first one to state the obvious, no matter how ugly it was. Just call me Mr. Ruthless. <In case you haven't noticed, there doesn't seem to be a Mickey D's around here.>

Cassie said, a little annoyed. <It's obvious what we have to do. And not just to the bear's leftovers, but to any live seal we can find. What I don't understand is why you're asking me for permission. Do you guys think I'd put an animal's life over yours? Or mine, come to think of it?>

I started to say.

<You don't know? When did you start thinking I was some kind of fanatic? We're freezing, we're starving, and I'm going to go all tree-hugging, never-eat-anything-with-a-face on you?>

----Book Twenty-Five, The Extreme

Adam: I think Cassie is just hungry.
Adam: Because honestly, all the things that they are semi-accusing her of seem perfectly in character.
Ifi: Yeah
Ifi: I mean it's easier to be a vegetarian when you live in suburban California
Ifi: as opposed to Alaska or wherever the hell they are
Adam: I'd like to point out that a traditional Inuit diet is pretty much all meat.
Adam: Because that's basically all you can get up there.
Ifi: om nom nom I love meat

Then my sensitive nose picked up the scent of seals, very close. Live seals. I spotted the two little gray balls floating in the water. They were the baby seals who'd escaped from the polar bear. Looking right at us with those big black eyes.

They had faces like puppy dogs. Little heads with big eyes and whiskers. No ears. I usually like to reserve the word cute for myself exclusively, but there was really no other way to describe them.

<They're looking for their mother,> Cassie said.

Their mother? Their mother was…

An unexpected wave of emotion swept over me. Dumb, I know, but for two years I thought my mom was dead. Not the same, though. Was it? Watching those little seals floating in the water, waiting for the mother who would never return, brought all the sadness back in a rush.

I moved between them and the horrible carcass on the ice. It wasn't our doing, killing their mother. But we'd profited from it.

<Our cold-weather morphs,> Rachel said. <Right there.>

----Book Twenty-Five, The Extreme

Ifi: x_X Great morph guys.
Ifi: Polar bears and orcas and Arctic foxes are lame. What we need is a completely defenseless baby seal.

Ifi: The Yeerks won't know what hit them
Adam: Well, perhaps they can scare predators away with adorable internet memes.
Ifi: Well at least they won't die of cold.
Ifi: They'll die of being eaten by the first thing that sees them
Adam: So they catch a seal, and Marco gets scratched on the nose for his trouble.
Ifi: But then the Venber see them morph! The Animorphs run away and make no attempt to stop the Venber from returning to their base!
Adam: Oh well, I guess it will all work out.

Adam: Of course, then they demorph right in front of this Inuit kid who was out hunting.
Ifi: My God I cannot believe this happened.

He was sitting in a beat-up little fishing boat with a small outboard motor. It suddenly occurred to me that he'd probably scared the killer whales off with his engine.

I kept looking at him. He kept looking at me. I didn't know what to do. Or what to say.

So I waved and said, "Hi. How's it going?"

He didn't say anything for a minute. Just stared. Finally he said, "You some kind of spirit or something?"

----Book Twenty-Five, The Extreme

Adam: So everybody meet Derek.
Ifi: Derek is so laid-back that I think he might be high.
Adam: I like Derek, honestly.
Adam: Everything is always drugs with you, isn't it?

"Those crazy Star Trek men. Shooting seals with phasers and all. Like those people are using them for target practice or something. They show no respect. Makes me mad."

"Star Trek guys?" I said.

"Yeah," he replied. Then, "Oh, I guess you animal spirits don't watch TV, huh? You need to get a satellite dish, Spirit-boy."

"The name's Marco. That's Jake, Rachel, Cassie, Tobias…he's the one with the wings and Ax. Ax isn't from around here."

----Book Twenty-Five, The Extreme

Ifi: So Derek has seen the spaceships and the Venber and the construction and he is COMPLETELY UNFAZED by it and just goes on doing his thing apparently.
Adam: Well, this is the place where Sarah Palin came from.
Adam: I'm sure he's seen worse.

"Hunting for sport. Like it's a game. Yeah, we get guys come up here for that. Up from New York and Detroit. Shoot bears and caribou from helicopters. No respect for nothing, those guys. Those guys at the station, though, they're the worst. They're just crazy for killing." He cocked his head. "That must make you animal spirits mad."

----Book Twenty-Five, The Extreme

Ifi: This book makes no sense.

Adam: Again, this is just another ordinary day for Derek.
Ifi: Also Derek is friends with the polar bear they saw before.
Adam: This is profoundly convenient.
Adam: So they ask him if they can go wrestle the bear.
Adam: Being the sensible human being that he is, Derek says yes.

We morphed back to seals, followed Derek's boat, and found the polar bear sprawled on the ice on his back, lounging in the sun. Like he was at the beach. Frankly, it annoyed me. How could any creature enjoy this place?

We crawled up onto the ice a few hundred yards away from the bear and demorphed to human.

"I wish I could do that," Derek said, watching with interest as human faces appeared on seal bodies.

----Book Twenty-Five, The Extreme

Ifi: Yeah. Derek is baked.
Adam: What, you don't wish that you could do that?
Ifi: The part that confused me was that the way Derek talked about the bear made it sound like he was tame, but he obviously was not and the Animorphs have to beat him into submission
Adam: I don't really think that you can tame polar bears.
Adam: I figured it was more that he has sort of been near the bear since he was little, and they have some sort of mutual respect thing
Ifi: So they finally get some polar bear DNA.
Ifi: I am sure they have polar bears at the Gardens, why did this have to be so difficult?
Adam: It's a retrospect thing.
Adam: When would they have figured that they would go to Alaska?
Adam: And it's not like you want to go and wrestle the largest terrestrial carnivore on a whim.
Ifi: Polar bears are badass and should be everyone's battle morphs.
Adam: They're strong, but they become sluggish in high temperatures.

Ifi: So now that we have the cover morph, we can get on with the plot.

The base came to within a hundred yards or so of the water at one point. It was a collection of corrugated steel buildings, an unattractive bunch of structures placed seemingly at random. There were vehicles—Sno-Cats and big trucks and motorized cranes. Nothing alien to the casual observer. Unless you happened to notice the big silver Venber, bending steel with their bare hands as they built the main satellite dish.

----Book Twenty-Five, The Extreme

Adam: For some reason, a human-Controller is suspicious about a group of bears suddenly sauntering into the facility.
Adam: So she sets the alarm, and we finally learn how the yeerks were controlling a species with a sub-zero body temperature.
Ifi: With remote controls!

"Andalites in morph!" someone yelled. He sounded in control. Not panicked. He sounded like a guy with a big stick to swing. "Program the Venber! Target: any quadruped. Override all security protocols. The Andalites must not escape."

Program the Venber?

[…]

To my left, a slight figure. Another woman? A kid? Stepped out, carrying what I would have sworn was a TV remote control. She was calmly punching keys on the thing.

----Book Twenty-Five, The Extreme

Adam: You'd think they would have more elaborate controls.
Adam: I mean, they use a partially telepathic relay for their ships.
Ifi: Also if they were able to recreate the Venber, they can totally build themselves bodies.
Adam: Enough of you and your logic.
Adam: So they break into the room with the bug fighters, which is warmer.
Adam: And the Venber…melts.

Silent, ghastly, he writhed. The lower half of his body was already a spreading pool of viscous liquid. A powerful smell hit us. Like chlorine or something.

The top half of the Venber kept reaching for us. Trying to obey its programming. It was nothing but a biological computer. A hideous creation of the Yeerks. Even in its own death throes it could do nothing but obey its programming.

We splashed through the Venber's liquid body. There was no other way. I felt a chemical tingle on my paws. I tracked it onto the floor beyond.

[...]

Jake and Tobias came up behind, still running, bloodied, their white fur ripped away in chunks. Two big Venber were after them. The two Venber hit the warm air. They kept charging, even as their ski feet turned to glue.

Another, right behind them. Charging, deadly one second, then pitiful the next.

I froze there, staring. Watching the mindless suicide. They came at us, leaping through the gap, slowing, stumbling, falling, melting.

Ax was aboard the nearest Bug fighter. I snapped out of my horrified trance and realized they all were. All but Cassie and I. We waited till all eight of the Venber at the base had destroyed themselves. I don't know why. With all the danger, all the terror, someone still needed to be a witness. Someone needed to be able to tell the world someday about this Yeerk atrocity.

----Book Twenty-Five, The Extreme

Ifi: Trauma trauma is so fun
Ifi: Trauma is for EVERYONE!
Adam: This is certainly a series known for its cheery moments

Ifi: Then the Animorphs blow the entire place up with just a bug fighter.

Ax turned our ship till our two Dracon spikes were aimed point-blank at the other ship.

<Low power, please,> Ax suggested.

I fired. Even at low power the concussion from the disintegrating Bug fighter knocked us back against one of the corrugated steel walls.

We swiveled and blew the wall into atoms. Ax kicked the ship into gear and we were out in the night, circling above the base.

"The dish," Jake said.

I fired.

TSEEEEEEW!

The dish blew into atoms.

"That building over there."

TSEEEEEEW! Building gone.

We systematically destroyed the base, building by building, vehicle by vehicle. Each time, we allowed time for the human-Controllers to run like scared sheep. It was the base we wanted, not them.

Finally, Jake said, "The hangar."

----Book Twenty-Five, The Extreme

Ifi: And yeah that's basically it.
Ifi: Visser Three does not show up or morph anything silly.
Ifi: There is not much in the way of resistance.
Adam: Well, the blade ship shows up later and shoots them down.
Adam: But they have flown south enough that they are able to fly the rest of the way home in bird form.
Adam: And then Marco goes and uses up all of the hot water in the shower.
Adam: The End.

Ifi: Why was this a book.
Ifi: Why

Adam: I feel like the only reason this book exists is an excuse to give them polar bear morphs.
Ifi: That could have done in a billion better ways.
Adam: Agreed.

Ifi: As far as making all bodies of water into Yeerk pools, well, it's an interesting idea, but I thought the pools had to be filled with that sludge stuff?
Adam: Yeah, I assumed that they had to put certain nutrients in the pool, or so forth.
Adam: Also, is there any reason that the Yeerks don't try this plan again in a different location?
Ifi: Furthermore, the Yeerks have a SPACE FLEET they do not need some pathetic human satellite station to pull this off.
Adam: …That is a very good point.

Ifi: Are we done talking about this stupidity?
Adam: Seemingly.
Ifi: Good.

Book 24: The Suspicion

2012-02-25T11:40:00.004-05:00

The Summary
Cassie is donating a lot of old stuff to Goodwill. She finds a toy spaceship on the pipe where she's hidden the escafil device, so she pries it off and puts it in the box. A few hours later, a different (but similar) toy spaceship is in the same place. It flies off, but not before shooting at Jake.

These are the Helmacrons, tiny semi-humanoid creatures with a Napoleon complex. They are bent on the conquest of the galaxy, apparently completely unaware of the fact that they are only one-sixteenth of an inch tall. They manage to shrink Cassie, Marco, and Tobias down to their own size and generally annoy the hell out of everyone.

The Helmacrons are furious to learn that the Yeerks have beaten them to Earth, and the Animorphs send them after Visser Three so they can bother him instead. Visser Three manages to destroy one of the ships, but gets shrunk along with a bunch of other human-Controllers.

Cassie goes to the gardens and acquires an anteater. When she morphs, the anteater is at its normal size because this DNA was acquired after she shrunk. The Helmacrons are no match for the anteater, and after the Animorphs finish unshrinking everyone, they are sent on their way.

The Review
Adam: I honestly like this cover.
Ifi: Yep. It's a cover.
Adam: But then again, I am rather fond of anteaters.
Ifi: This one always stuck out at me for some reason, not sure why. Could be the anteater thing.
Adam: Could you better define what you mean by "stuck out at you"?
Ifi: Like if you laid out all the books in a row, this would be one of the ones my eye would be drawn to, I think
Adam: Hmm, well the colors used on it are a bit more varied then normal.
Adam: And it's an animal that is rather unusual, but one that people can still generally recognize on sight.

Adam: Well, the inside cover.
Adam: Is actually one of my favorites out of all the inside covers.

Adam: For one thing, they actually show the alien that are introduced in this book.
Adam: Which is frustratingly rare.
Ifi: That is true. However, as they are Helmacrons, I DON'T CARE
Adam: Aw, I like the Helmacrons.
Ifi: I hate them.
Adam: I think I have a fondness for humorously obnoxious aliens.
Adam: Same reason that I love the Arn.

Adam: So we begin, with a grand proclamation, from the mightiest of the mighty, the Grand Emperor of the ever-spanning Helmacron Empire.

Go forth, mighty warriors! Go forth into space! All the galaxy shall tremble before the Helmacrons. All will obey us. All will be our slaves. For only we are truly worthy to be Lords of the Universe.

- Posthumous Exhortation of the Emperor. From the log of the Helmacron ship, Galaxy Blaster

----Book Twenty-Four, The Suspicion

Ifi: I hate this book.
Adam: Well, they seem like a bunch of nice guys.

Adam: Cassie and Rachel are going to the beach.
Ifi: But first Cassie has to do some random stuff and donate her old junk to Goodwill.

"I'm working," I said grumpily. "Maybe you should try it sometime."

Rachel wasn't at all offended. "I just have two words for you, Cassie: Ralph. Lauren. It's one thing to wallow in dirt, but do you have to do it while wearing boys' jeans from Wal-Mart? That's why we have Ralph Lauren. For the outdoorsy types."

----Book Twenty-Four, The Suspicion

Ifi: Yes. That's why we have $100 jeans. To clean out horse stalls in.
Adam: I don't understand fashion.
Ifi: I am at the Ralph Lauren website right now and I do not see a single article of clothing that would be appropriate to wear anywhere that there might be dirt.
Adam: Provide screencaps

Ifi: $45 polo shirt.
Adam: Seems like the sort of thing that would be good to do hard labor in.
Ifi: Can't look after the horses without my jaunty cap!
Adam: I do like that hat...

Adam: So anyway, they are fiddling around, when they discover a toy spaceship stuck to Cassie's water pump.

I followed the direction of her stare. She was looking at an old, hand-operated water pump. It wasn't something we used. It was more of an antique that my mom liked the look of.

Attached to it was a small, silvery object. "It's a toy," I said. "A toy spaceship. Star Wars or Star Trek or Star Something, I guess." I pried the little thing off the pump. "Huh. Must be magnetized."

"You look worried."

I shrugged. "Coincidence." I looked around to make sure no one was listening. "The pump is where I hid the blue box. You just unscrew the mechanism from the base plate, and it's in there."

----Book Twenty-Four, The Suspicion

Adam: That certainly doesn't seem suspicious at all.
Ifi: It gets tossed in with all the other Goodwill junk.
Adam: Aw, it's probably a collectable.
Adam: If it's in good condition, you can make some decent money off of those things
Ifi: People like me pay top dollar for old hunks of plastic
Adam: Well, I would certainly never do anything like that.
Adam: Certainly not.
Adam: No sir.
Ifi: You're only going to Forbidden Planet tomorrow for absolutely no reason.
Adam: Quiet you.
Ifi: Then it is awkward teenager time.

Jake saw us coming and looked like he wanted to hide. It suddenly occurred to me that he'd never seen me in a bathing suit. Now I wanted to hide.

"Hi!" he said, giving a little wave and keeping his eyes rock-steady on my face.

"Oh, man, this has got to be trouble," Rachel said, loudly enough for Jake to hear. "Okay, Jake, whose butt do we have to go and kick?"

Normally he would have smiled. But he just swallowed, darted a look at the rest of me, blushed, and once again, grimly focused on my face.

[…]

We came up to where Jake was standing. "I, uh, I brought some stuff over for you to take to Goodwill. Remember, you said I should. So I did. Some stuff and all. I gave it to your dad, and he took it. He just left."

----Book Twenty-Four, The Suspicion

Adam: Gah
Adam: Hormones
Ifi: Really man, you face down Hork-Bajir and Taxxons on a regular basis but Cassie puts on a swimsuit and you turn into Mr. Chapman when he's not being controlled by Iness.
Adam: Well, that doesn't seem that unrealistic.
Adam: Middle school is tough, man.
Ifi: And then the spaceship comes back!

I looked hard, blinked, and looked again. The toy spacecraft was back.

Only it wasn't the same. This one was shorter, broader, with two big "engines" at the back instead of the clusters of smaller ones. And the death's-head bridge was different, too. Still a death's-head, but different.

"It's not the same," I said to Rachel. "It's similar, but it's not the same."

Rachel stopped rolling her eyes. Jake looked at each of us, puzzled.

And then, to our utter amazement, the little "toy" ship separated from the water pump, turned to a level position, and flew swiftly away, missing Rachel's head by inches.

"What was that?" Jake demanded.

Rachel shrugged. "We thought Romulan," she said.

----Book Twenty-Four, The Suspicion

Ifi: Rachel completely misses the point.
Adam: I was previously under the impression that Marco was the only scifi expert in the group
Ifi: Turns out pretty much all the guys are.
Ifi: For the purpose of this book anyway
Adam: I didn't know who the Romulans were when I was 14.
Adam: And I was as big a nerd as they come.
Ifi: so they have to go to goodwill to get the spaceship back because...well, because.
Ifi: Unfortunately the clerk turns out to be Adam

"What kind of spaceship was it?" the clerk asked.

"Toy," Jake answered.

The clerk rolled his eyes. "I mean, what kind? Romulan? Federation? Klingon? Dominion? Ferengi? Or maybe it was from the Babylon universe: Minbari? Shadows? Or was it from Star Wars? Was it a TIE fighter?"

Rachel and I both looked at Jake.

"Romulan," he said.

The clerk jerked his thumb over his shoulder. "Back there. But don't try and grab anything that isn't yours. You better come out of there with a Romulan ship."

----Book Twenty-Four, The Suspicion

Adam: I told you, I was never really much of a trekkie.
Ifi: I guess that's me then

Ifi: They find the thing, but it shoots Jake
Ifi: So Rachel goes after it with a baseball bat.
Ifi: Pretty much the only part of this book that I enjoyed
Adam: I'm trying to figure out the real purpose of the Helmacron weapons.
Adam: I mean, they don't really seem to do anything.
Ifi: What do you mean?
Adam: Well, they just inflict tiny pinpricks on people.
Adam: So what exactly do they expect to do in a space battle?
Ifi: I think their ships are so small, they wouldn't even be detected by other species.
Ifi: But I am sure they shoot each other.
Adam: Well, that is probably true.
Ifi: And at one point, they do go for the eyes.
Adam: Which is still something you can block by putting your hand in the way

<Aliens! Give us the power source! Give it to us and we will let you live as our slaves. We will not crush and annihilate you as we will crush and annihilate all the people of this planet!>

"Power source?" Jake echoed.

"The blue box," I said, understanding it all suddenly. "That's why they were on the water pump. They think the blue box is a power source."

"Maybe it is, for them," Rachel said. "Not exactly polite, are they?"

We heard a second, blustering thought-speak voice. <No, we shall not let all three of you live! Only the one who brings us the power source. All others must feel the wrath of brave Helmacron warriors, the true and natural rulers of the galaxy!>

----Book Twenty-Four, The Suspicion

Ifi: I hate these guys.
Adam: They have a certain charm to them, I think.
Ifi: They all chase each other around for a long time.
Adam: This is dispersed with random diary entries from the Helmacrons.
Ifi: From a sociological standpoint, I find the Helmacrons interesting.
Ifi: However that would not stop me from stomping them all.
Adam: Oh?
Adam: Please elaborate
Ifi: I think their culture is the most 'alien' of all the ones we see in this series. Their values and way of life and cultural norms are completely different.
Adam: You will have to elaborate upon this more as we go on.

The cages were growing larger. The animals in them were growing larger. The Helmacron ship and the blue box were growing larger.

"Oh, no," I said, more amazed than frightened. "I'm shrinking."

I was getting small. I was getting small very fast.

I've shrunk before, when I've morphed various insects, for example. But this was new. I was shrinking as a human.

The only good thing was that at least my morphing suit was shrinking, too. Bad to be shrinking. Worse to be shrinking right out of your clothes.

"Hey!" I yelled. "What did you do to me?"

<Hah! You glory in your swollen, bloated bulk, human! You dare to defy us! We shall see how bold you are when you are the same size as we. Now you will taste bitter defeat! Now you will feel the sting of eternal humiliation!>

"I don't glory in my…Hey, who are you calling bloated? Wait a minute! Stop this!"

----Book Twenty-Four, The Suspicion

Ifi: Cassie and Tobias get shrunk.
Ifi: also Marco

Ifi: Nothing about the shrinking process makes sense
Adam: Well, apparently it works on sort of an extension of the morphing technology

"I think I'm done shrinking!" I said. Not that anyone heard me.

Something flew into view. Something that seemed weirdly large. Tobias. He was roughly the size of a very small fly. But he was about as big as me.

he said.

"Me, too."

<But we're the same size. I should be smaller than you. I started out much smaller than you.>

"I guess that's not how it works," I said. "I think the idea here is to shrink us all to the same size as the Helmacrons themselves."

----Book Twenty-Four, The Suspicion

Adam: How did they manage to develop this so fast?
Ifi: Could a human at such a size even stand upright?
Adam: Yes, it would be easier for them to do so, actually
Ifi: When Cassie morphs, her size becomes relative to her new tiny size. So small morphs become freakishly tiny.
Adam: One thing that I like about this book is that they do acknowledge the Square Cube Law, and show its effects
Ifi: I suck at physics.
Adam: Well, the basics of it is such:
Adam: When an object undergoes a proportional increase in size, its new volume is proportional to the cube of the multiplier and its new surface area is proportional to the square of the multiplier.
Adam: So in essence, your general strength is based off of your area, but your weight is based on your volume.
Ifi: Translation: Giant spiders from outer space could not stand up.
Adam: More realistic example: This is why beached whales die. They get crushed under their own weight.

Ifi: Then Cassie's dad shows up

"He thought he saw a nail," Rachel said. "I thought I saw a nail, too. Ax, didn't you see a nail?"

"What is a nail? Nay-yul? Is it similar to mail?"

"Is he all right?" my father asked.

"Who, Ax? Sure, he's fine," Jake said. "He's just from a different country."

I groaned. "Oh, no, now my dad'll ask—"

"Oh, very interesting. Ax? What country are you from?"

"I am from the Republic of Ivory Coast."

"Oh, man," I moaned. "Why did I ever give him that World Almanac?"

"You know, if you don't mind my saying so, you don't look like you'd be from the Ivory Coast," my father said. He was getting that edge he gets in his voice when someone is slowly but surely beginning to grind his last nerve.

"How about Equatorial Guinea? The Republic of Kyrgyzstan? Canada?"

"Tell you what," my father said, "let's just go with Canada."

"I am from Canada. I am Canadese."

----Book Twenty-Four, The Suspicion

Ifi: Oh my God Cassie's dad you can't just ask someone why they're white
Adam: I actually had to look up where the Republic of the Ivory Coast is.
Adam: (It's in western Africa, for the uninitiated.)

Ifi: Then we finally get our first look at these guys

Their heads were all we saw at first. They were perfectly flat on top, quite wide. From that flat top their faces came down in a sort of squashed inverted pyramid to a hooked, barbed chin. Eyes sat atop the flat heads like big green marbles that looked like they could roll off at any moment. Their mouthparts looked insectlike, with gnashing sideways teeth.

As they climbed all the way into view I could see that they were dressed in silvery, one-piece suits, covering bodies that were almost human, if you overlooked the extra set of legs. The suits had turquoise collars.

"Well, you could eat them," Marco suggested to Tobias.

<We are the Mighty Helmacrons of the Planet Crusher, the deadliest ship in the glorious Helmacron fleet!> one of the group announced. <Surrender to us now and live as our degraded beasts of burden. Or resist us and be utterly annihilated!>

----Book Twenty-Four, The Suspicion

Adam: Okay, they are perhaps a bit doofy looking.
Ifi: Add them to the list of species who have worked out thought-speak before humans.
Adam: I don't think that telepathy is just something that you "work out"

Adam: What does bug me though, is just how humanoid the Helmacrons are
Ifi: Yeah was gonna mention that
Adam: They're nigh microscopic
Adam: They should have a vastly different sort of build.
Ifi: They should be blobby blobs
Adam: I was thinking spindly, and covered with hairs, for gripping to things

Ifi: Also how can something with a brain that small...
Ifi: Agh
Ifi: Sense
Ifi: There is none
Adam: Yeah, they seem to have a very small number of cells in their entire body, relatively speaking. Adam: Which is very strange

Ifi: The Helmacrons from the other ship, the Galaxy Blaster, show up and claim that Cassie and Marco and Tobias are their rightful captives and the two crews have a fight
Adam: This seems to be the sort of thing that happens regularly
Ifi: Luckily the rest of the Animorphs show up as cockroaches (and Ax as a terrifying wolf spider) and run them off.
Ifi: But they come back and wound Ax and the Animorphs have to surrender
Ifi: So they are taken into the Planet Crusher
Adam: The Helmacrons are surprisingly hospitable
Adam: They even have a meeting with the captain!

In the center of the room stood a single Helmacron. Beams of light illuminated him like a movie star on Oscar night. He looked like any of the Helmacrons, except for the fact that he was wearing a flowing, gold cape.

And there was one other difference.

"He's dead," I said.

"He's about as dead as you can be," Marco agreed.

The Helmacron captain did not move. Did not breathe. His eyes did not look at us. He was covered with what looked a lot like bread mold and cobwebs.

What was worse, it was fairly obvious how he'd died. His arms and four legs were shackled, bolted to the deck. Three long, steel swords were sticking through his body. It all looked very ceremonial.

----Book Twenty-Four, The Suspicion

Adam: Well, that was perhaps a bit anticlimactic
Ifi: Whatever Helmacrons are nuts
Adam: Quote the next bit as well

O Greatest of the Great, Most Magnificent of the Magnificent, we have taken two of the strange, transforming aliens prisoner! They tremble before us! They abase themselves! They quiver in cowardly terror! And it should be noted that the Galaxy Blaster was of no help whatsoever.

- From the log of the Helmacron ship, Planet Crusher

----Book Twenty-Four, The Suspicion

Adam: I don't know, they really don't seem that different from humans.
Ifi: I feel like any species could get like that
Ifi: I can see Andalites doing that. I can see Yeerks doing that.
Ifi: Hork-Bajir wouldn't.
Ifi: But that's about it.
Adam: See? We're all not so different after all.

I saw the sly gleam in Marco's eye. "You heard the man, Cassie. Let's grovel."

He scooted his legs forward, lay on his back, stuck his hands behind his head, and relaxed like he was at the beach soaking up sun.

"I grovel before the mighty Helmacron captain, most mighty of the mighty, undisputed champion of the world in the dust-weight category! We grovel like the pitiful losers we are! We grovel like a guy who hasn't got a date the day before the prom and the only girl around is the head cheerleader, that's how much we grovel. Cassie, you could join in any time, you know."

"We grovel…um, like grovelers."

Marco turned his head to shoot me a disdainful look. "Oh, good groveling. Put some feeling into it."

"I grovel like, uh…like a person who is really, really groveling," I said lamely.

Meanwhile, Marco was, of course, getting into it. After all, he had an audience.

"O mighty Helmacron dead guy, we grovel like a video game addict trapped in an arcade without a quarter, that's how much we grovel. You would not believe the depths of our grovelry! We grovel like a guy with a large order of fries and the only saltshaker is at the table of the school bully. We grovel—"

<Enough! Now you will tell us the location of the power source.>

----Book Twenty-Four, The Suspicion

Ifi: Marco is surprisingly good at improv.
Adam: Well, if you under arrest from dangerous psychopaths, you may as well have some fun with it.
Ifi: They send the Helmacrons, who can sense morph-capability somehow, after Visser Three
Ifi: Which I actually thought was pretty clever
Adam: Y'know, if the Helmacrons have access to this sort of technology, you'd think that the yeerks would put some effort into capturing some of them and reverse-engineering their technology
Adam: But yes.

"True," Marco said smoothly. "The person you're looking for isn't a human. See, you guys aren't the only aliens trying to conquer Earth. There are these guys called Yeerks."

This news caused a total sensation. There had been a half dozen Helmacrons in the room around their dead captain. Now many more came rushing in, all jabbering wildly in thought-speak. Some were hauling what seemed to be computer consoles of some sort. Others dragged in oversized weapons.

There was a lot of yelling, but one thought-speak word I heard again and again was <Yeerk.>

"They know the Yeerks," I said.

"Oh, yeah. They know them, all right."

----Book Twenty-Four, The Suspicion

Ifi: I am rather interested in how they know each other.
Adam: Indeed.
Adam: Especially considering Visser Three's later reaction to them.
Ifi: Unarmed Helmacron vs. unhosted Yeerk. Who would win?
Adam: The Yeerk crawls over the Helmacron and smothers her.
Ifi: That's what I am thinking.

The Helmacron shouted a command in shockingly loud thought-speak. <Male! Male, here!>

A hatch in the floor opened. And up through the floor poked a trembling head. It was like the other Helmacrons, but smaller. The flat head had a forward slant. The mouthparts were less horrifying. Still insect-looking, but smaller, gentler. The entire bearing of this creature was humbler.

<Male, take these aliens. Instruct them in the ways of obedience!> The Helmacron shoved us toward the hatch.

"Male?" Marco wondered. "Did he…I mean, was that…is this…"

"I think so," I said. "The loud, hyper ones are females. This one is a male."

----Book Twenty-Four, The Suspicion

Ifi: That is
Ifi: interesting
Adam: Gender dimorphism in science fiction is always a fun topic, I think
Adam: Did you know that of all hive insects, the termite is the only one with male drones?
Ifi: The guy explains that all Helmacron leaders have to be dead because that way they won't ever screw up.
Ifi: Which I guess you can't argue with.
Adam: Honestly, it makes just as much sense as politics here.
Ifi: I found this part interesting:

<Yes. You must obey all females. You must wash your food before eating it. As males, you must be quiet and calm at all times.>

"I'm not male," I said. "I'm female."

<No, you are a slave. Thus you are male and must do whatever a female tells you to do.>

"Kind of like our society," Marco said, mimicking me.

"Is that it? That's all the rules?"

<Yes. If you fail to obey the rules, you may be killed. In fact, you may even be made captain! You will stay in this room until summoned,> Wuss said calmly. 

----Book Twenty-Four, The Suspicion

Ifi: (Marco named the poor dude Wuss, for whatever reason)
Adam: Well, at least they aren't sexist about choosing their leaders.
Ifi: I find it interesting that gender appears to be an almost completely fluid concept here, regardless of actually sex.
Adam: I'm sure we'll get some interesting discussion about this in the comment section.

Ifi: The Helmacrons find Visser Three

<Again! Again! Punish the arrogant Yeerk usurper!>

TSEEEW! TSEEEW!

Once more there was giddy cheering and excitement. And then the window of the limo began to lower. A puzzled, human face looked out at us.

Visser Three! We knew his human morph. It was Visser Three, unable, even in human guise, to conceal the dark evil within.

But right now he didn't look frightening so much as puzzled. I saw his huge human mouth form the word "What?" And then slowly the expression turned to amazement.

"Helmacrons?" the mouth said silently.

----Book Twenty-Four, The Suspicion

Ifi: How. How do these guys know each other? I need to know.
Adam: Well, he goes out on those long outings to find morphs, and I guess they ran into each other then.
Adam: I am sure it was full of all sorts of wacky mishaps.
Ifi: Cassie and Marco morph flies to escape.
Ifi: Remember that tiny morphs become even tinier now that they are shrunk.

<Aaaahhhh!> I yelled in shock.

<Oh, man!> Marco yelled. <Biology class!>

The wall of cells seemed to be moving in slow motion. Slower and slower. As we got smaller, we got faster. Faster and stronger, relatively speaking. Just as we had when we'd become humans a sixteenth of an inch tall.

The Helmacron hand moved through molasses. The cells of the finger were like irregular bricks in a wall. But these bricks were bigger than we were. A lot bigger.

Some were clearer, more translucent than others in the bizarre light. Some I could see right into. They were like clear plastic trash bags stuffed with faintly pink Jell-O. Suspended in the Jell-O like so much fruit cocktail were all the cell structures: a big nucleus, only slightly darker than the protoplasm, mitochondria, vacuoles…

----Book Twenty-Four, The Suspicion

Ifi: AGH
Adam: Okay, I just found this part really cool.
Ifi: germs germs germs
Adam: Aw, but they're just so cute!

Ifi: They eventually wind up on Chapman's head

It became darker down in the hair forest. And we were not alone. There were no bright eyes blinking at us from the dark, like in some cartoon jungle. No, the creatures we passed had no eyes. They clung to the scalp at the base of the giant hairs and almost seemed to be waiting for us as we fell.

Eight-legged, clumsy, clanking, awful beasts. They were there by the hundreds. Everywhere around the base of the hairs. In the normal world they were too small to be seen. But to us they were as big as dogs.

<Mites,> I said, fighting an urge to throw up. <Everyone has them.>

----Book Twenty-Four, The Suspicion

Ifi: brb showering forever
Adam: Oh, there are much worse ones then this.
Adam: There is a type of mite that lives specifically in your eyelash follicle.
Adam: And they have no way of removing waste, so they just eat until their stomachs burst, and then die.
Ifi: I want to be dead now

Ifi: Visser Three manages to explode one of the Helmacron ships
Ifi: And gets shrunk for his trouble
Adam: I kind of want to read a whole book of just tiny Visser Three running around.
Ifi: I wouldn't mind regular Visser Three, as long as it centered on him

Adam: Everybody is all trying to get the morphing cube at once, and Rachel is shrunk as well.
Ifi: Eventually Cassie figures out that if they acquire new DNA, it should be normal sized
Ifi: So they run off to the gardens to do that

"Hey, what are we acquiring?" Jake asked.

"The one animal in the world that is specially designed to see, attack, and destroy creatures like the Helmacrons," I said grimly.

"And that animal is..."

"Anteater," I said.

----Book Twenty-Four, The Suspicion

My tongue shot out an amazing two feet! It slapped a gaggle of Helmacrons, bathed them in sticky spit, snagged them with the tiny barbs of the anteater tongue, and snapped them back into my mouth before I knew what I'd done.

<Go, Cassie!> Marco said.

I felt something in my mouth, something kind of like teeth, only not, begin to chew…

<No!> I yelled, freezing my jaw muscles.

Then, to my utter astonishment, I heard from deep inside my own mouth, <Surrender now and we may spare you the eternal torment you have earned!>

[…]

<Sentimental Andalite fool,> Visser Three said. He had copied our trick. He had also morphed the anteater. <You can't kill a Helmacron. They're a fungible species. Kill one and its mind, if you can call it a mind, is absorbed into another. They never die. Even when they're dead, they're not dead. But when it comes to Andalites…>

----Book Twenty-Four, The Suspicion

Adam: Rawr!
Adam: I always pictured this scene like something out of a daikaiju movie.
Adam: Otherwise, this sort of pseudo hivemind that the Helmacrons have, I wish it were expanded upon further.
Ifi: What the hell is a 'fungible species'?
Adam: Well, the implication is that they have some sort of genetic memory that is passed on to other members of their species at the time of their death.
Ifi: There was nothing in the book up to this point that suggested such a thing.

Ifi: Now that they have the upper hand, the Animorphs can reverse the shrink-ray. They also unshrink Visser Three and his Controllers, just to be nice.
Adam: This really would have been a wonderful opportunity to take him hostage.
Ifi: Maybe but at this point, everyone just wants to go home.
Adam: They could have stuck him in a bottle for three days, and freed Alloran.
Ifi: Oh man
Ifi: The other Controllers would have totally let them do it, too

Ifi: Before they go, Marco has a word with the male Helmacrons

"You guys need a males' liberation movement," Marco told them. "Why should you put up with being treated like second-class Helmacrons?"

And many of the males agreed. <We could crush the females beneath our feet! Long would they wail and bemoan their fate as we assumed our places as the rightful rulers of all Helmacrons! We would then proceed with our just and righteous plans to conquer all the galaxy! Then all would grovel before us and...>

----Book Twenty-Four, The Suspicion

Ifi: *shoots this book in the face*
Adam: Well, that went much better then expected.
Adam: Oh, and then Jake and Cassie go to the beach to make googly eyes at each other.

Ifi: This was so dumb.
Adam: Well yes, it was dumb.
Adam: But I enjoy a bit of dumbness every so often.
Ifi: I dunno. This sort of seemed to undermine the seriousness of the previous four books
Adam: I prefer to think of it as sort of an emotional break.
Adam: If the books are just nonstop doom and dread, it can be a little tiring after a while.
Ifi: Okay yes but aliens the size of dust? Bent on taking over the world?
Adam: Why not?
Adam: It's a big universe.
Adam: And we're all pretty tiny by comparison.
Ifi: Ugh I am sick of even talking about this stupidity.
Ifi: You can go party with the Helmacrons if you like
Adam: Woo!
Ifi: I, for one, will be sitting over here with the PTSD support group.

Cinnamon Bunzah! is on TVTropes!

2012-02-23T00:34:00.000-05:00

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/WebOriginal/CinnamonBunzuh

We'd like to thank the academy, the 1990's, and Jesus-whale, but most of all our crazy insane readers who, week after week, continue join us in obsessing over the details of a kid's series from a decade ago! You are the only light in our otherwise dismal lives, and we love you.

Adam may or may not be sobbing hysterically right now.

Ifi's Fanfiction - Chapter Five, Part Three

2012-02-22T15:42:00.002-05:00

I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.

Six Days The Animorphs Were Idiots
The Day Jake Got So Wasted: Part Three

The Andalite Homeworld did not have cities, only spaceports separated by hundreds of miles worth of meadows and forests. Cassie, Marco, Toby, and Tobias (perched on one of Toby’s head-blades) were handed off to a male Andalite named Siforond with a Yeerk named Idess. He was (they were?) a pilot for the Andalite public transit system and would be able to fly the group to the Yeerk Pool without arousing suspicion.

Cassie was not quite sure what sort of vehicle she’d been expecting to serve as public transport—a bus, maybe, or a super-powered train. Instead, Siforond/Idess brought them to what he called a shuttle, which was about the size of a minivan and encased in a bubble of glass that gave a complete panoramic view of the world outside. The fact that it was completely flat on the bottom suggested antigravity technology.

<You only have two legs. Perhaps you should sit.> This could only be Siforond speaking.

“There’s no chairs,” said Marco.

<What’s a chair?>

“Just sit down, Marco,” said Cassie, who didn’t mind being on the floor because it did not obstruct her view at all. Once Siforond/Idess was satisfied that the wobbly two-legged humans wouldn’t be falling over, he went to the controls.

There were no roads to follow, but Siforond/Idess seemed to know where he was going. The shuttle skimmed above tall blue and violet grass, blowing it flat but not crushing it. When Cassie ran to the back of the shuttle (her resolution to stay seated had lasted exactly two and a half minutes), she could see that the plants had already sprung back to their original positions.

The Andalite sky was red and gold, and Cassie counted at least three suns. As they flew onward, the blue fields eventually became thick clusters of asparagus-shaped Derrishoul trees and pink Therants. Cassie tilted her head upwards to see strange, small animals that Siforond/Idess called djabala leaping through the branches.

“What’s Visser Five like?” asked Marco, who was not as impressed by all this as Cassie was.

<She’s friendly,> said Idess. <Don’t be nervous. You’d never guess she was a Visser at all. She is a bit mad, but that’s the Yeerk army for you.>

<She’s charismatic,> contributed Siforond. It was getting easy to tell them apart just from the way they spoke, and there was always a slight delay when the speaker switched. <Great speeches. Very compelling.>

<Talking to her is like talking to one of your own poolmates.> That was definitely Idess.

<But don’t let that fool you,> Siforond said. <She’s cunning. She likes to play it like she’s not, like she’s just the sweet girl from the next meadow—>

<Just keep in mind that you don’t become a Visser in the Yeerk army by being nice,> interrupted Idess. <She’s the best thing that ever happened to the Peace Movement, present company excepted, but she’s still Visser Five.>

“What makes you so sure she’s really into the Peace Movement?” pressed Marco. “She could be, I dunno, gathering up names of traitors to give to the Emperor for his birthday!”

A flock of birds that appeared to have been painted by a class of kindergarteners flew right up alongside the shuttle, making Cassie screech with happiness. Tobias ruffled his feathers, but Cassie was entranced, her fingers pressed to the window until the flock eventually peeled off in another direction.

“I am curious to know how aware the Andalites are to your presence,” said Toby. “Surely they know you are here by now.”

<Oh, they know.> Siforond’s stalk-eyes turned to look at Toby while his main eyes stayed focused on the fields in front of him. <The Council knows. The general public doesn’t, though. The Council feels that it would provoke hysteria.>

<They know we’re here, but that’s all they know,> contributed Idess. <They haven’t been able to do any better than that. We’re safe, for now at least.>

As promised, the journey was not long. And like the Yeerk Pool in the Animorphs’ hometown, this one was underground, the entrance cleverly hidden in a hillside that Cassie would not have thought at all suspicious.

With only the lights of the shuttle to see by, they flew through a tunnel that opened up into a large, wide room. There was no pool, though. Cassie supposed that it must be deeper down for safety reasons.

promised Siforond, bringing the shuttle to a stop. A segment of the glass lifted upwards to provide an exit, and Cassie peered down the dark tunnel nervously. <Lannit and Sovi will see you in. Good luck to you.>

“Thanks,” said Cassie as she stepped onto the ground. The shuttle closed up again and zoomed back up the tunnel, gone in an instant.

“Hey. Is that a Klingon?” said Marco, pointing.

“Don’t be an idiot—” but then Cassie turned around. The alien that was hurrying towards them was bipedal, humanoid, and had distinct forehead ridges and lots of dark hair.

<Huh,> said Tobias. <Weird.>

“Toby, do you have any idea what she is?” asked Marco.

“Oh, just because I’m the alien, I’m supposed to know what she is? Do you think we’re all in some sort of alien club together? I was born on Earth. Three months ago.”

Marco’s sarcastic reply was cut off by the probably-not-actually-a-Klingon coming within earshot.

“Hello!” she called. Her voice was unexpectedly melodic. “You are the humans? We are Lannit 882 and T’lia Sovi—Visser Five’s personal assistant. We will escort you to her office, if you’ll just follow.” As she came nearer, Cassie could see that she was dressed in an odd, flowing robe dyed many colors, and around her neck were giant, shiny black beads, each one the size of an egg. She was carrying something that looked a lot like a giant clipboard, and she was wearing an earpiece.

“Uh, hi,” said Cassie. “Nice to—”

“Wait.” Sovi/Lannit held up a hand. “I was promised six humans. Instead I have two humans, a Hork-Bajir, and a bird of some sort.”

“Uh, we’re actually four humans, an Andalite, and a bird of some sort,” said Marco. “But half of us stayed behind due to reasons of stupidity.”

Sovi/Lannit blinked. “Please tell me one of you is Cassie.” There was a twinge of desperation in her voice.

“That’s me,” said Cassie, raising her hand.

Sovi/Lannit seemed to relax. “I apologize if I seem flustered. We had no idea that you were coming to the Homeworld until the moment you arrived, but the Visser was insistent that we arrange a meeting today.”

“Or else what?” asked Marco as Sovi/Lannit began to guide them down hallways carved from the earth. It was obvious that the Yeerks were not able to do as much construction here as they were on Earth without risking giving away their position, but it was still pretty impressive, considering.

“I forgot—you’re from Earth, aren’t you?” said Sovi/Lannit. “You’ve met Visser Three.”

<Unfortunately,> said Tobias.

“Well, you’ll be pleased to know that Visser Five does not share his methods for keeping the troops in line. She also does not have a penchant for adopting deadly carnivores and bringing them into the base, or dating her superiors…” the rock-and-dirt hallways had turned into metal floors and walls as Lannit/Sovi led the group further and further underground. “In fact, if you want to be stationed anywhere that’s not the Homeworld, it’s under Visser Five. She hasn’t lost a single soldier since this invasion began. Visser One thinks she knows how to do a stealthy invasion? That’s nothing compared to what we have here.”

“Well, I cannot take all the credit.” The new voice came from the end of the hallway. “The Andalites fiercely deny that there is any Yeerk activity on their planet. It’s convenient, but I wouldn’t mind a bit of recognition for my efforts every once in a while.”

Visser Five, for this could only be her, had a host of a species that none of the Animorphs had ever seen before. She was about Marco’s height, and strongly resembled a giant praying mantis. She had a triangular head and two huge compound eyes. Her body was long and narrow, and she stood on six delicate legs. The first and last two legs ended in dangerous-looking claws, while the middle pair looked like they could be used like a pair of hands. She was completely colorless, save for her eyes, which were an intensely bright blue.

“Aaaaagh!” yelled Marco, intergalactic diplomat.

<You idiot,> said Tobias.

The alien lowered her head and made a soft, irregular sound that took Cassie a moment to identify as laughter.

“Do not worry,” she said. “I know you are not completely accustomed to seeing alien species. My host is a Nahara female. Carnivorous, but not towards sentient creatures. I am Emiki 255 and she is Sia Ren.”

“We were expecting you to be an Andalite,” said Marco bluntly. “Seeing as you’re running the invasion of the Andalite Homeworld.”

“That would make sense, wouldn’t it?” Visser Five was apparently impossible to offend. “But Sia Ren and I work together so well, and I like to leave the Andalite hosts for my subordinates. They need them far more than I do. Come.” Visser Five turned around and waved them into the office that she had just emerged from.

“Are you really Visser Five?” said Cassie suspiciously as the office door closed behind them.

“I am…” Visser Five’s voice trailed off as she turned around to see that Marco was now conducting a thorough examination of her office and Tobias had perched himself on a light fixture. Only Toby was behaving herself. “…um. I assume you are Cassie?”

“Yeah.” Cassie glanced back at the others. “The idiot who yelled was Marco. The bird is Tobias. The Hork-Bajir is Toby.”

Visser Five tilted her triangular head to one side. “I was told there would be six of you.”

“Ax, Rachel, and Jake had to stay behind,” said Cassie. “Toby’s from the free Hork-Bajir colony we have on Earth.”

“Well, I cannot tell you how pleased I was to hear that you’d been spotted on-planet,” Now Visser Five was all business. “I understand that your time is limited, so I will be quick. You are in a rather precarious position, as you may or may not already know. On this planet, it is public knowledge that morphing technology was given to a few humans by an arsith. If the Empire were to send an Inspector here, I might not be able to keep the identities of Visser Three’s ‘Andalite Bandits’ a secret.” Visser Five’s eyes looked darker in color than they’d been a minute ago.

“Well, what’s stopping any one of your people from running off to the Council of Thirteen and getting himself a big promotion?” demanded Marco, who was now slouched in a chair, his legs dangling over the armrest. Cassie made a face at him, but Visser Five simply radiated amusement.

“As citizens of Earth, I imagine that you have seen Visser Three’s methods firsthand. But I run things a little differently here. I do not eat my subordinates, for one thing. It does wonders for morale.” Visser Five turned her attention to a holographic computer screen, appeared to check her emails, and then switched it off.

“That doesn’t answer the question,” said Marco.

“Yes it does,” said Toby. “She’s saying that her soldiers are loyal. Have you ever seen a Yeerk display exceptional loyalty to Visser Three?”

<No way,> said Tobias. <Remember the time we almost freed Alloran? The Hork-Bajir just left him there! And they’re always talking about him behind his back.>

“Thanks to the small scale of the invasion here, I have been able to hand-pick my soldiers,” said Visser Five. “Those who are not official members of the Peace Movement have been selected for their loyalty to me in the past. Many of them have served with me or under me long before I had this rank.”

“How many Andalite hosts do you have?” asked Toby.

“Almost one hundred.” Visser Five seemed to be watching for their reactions. “I know it doesn’t sound like much, but I do not believe that we can afford to take large risks. If we were to be discovered, we would all be dead before I could even get a distress call out.”

“Wouldn’t the Council of Thirteen want as many Andalites infested as possible?” asked Marco.

“Yes. Luckily, Visser Three’s antics have been keeping them too busy to monitor me as closely as they ought. As long as I continue send them satisfactory reports, they are content to devote their attentions towards the incredibly amusing events on taking place on Earth.” Visser Five’s expression changed and her mandibles tilted upwards into something that was unquestioningly a smile.

“So are you infesting Andalites slowly because you think it shouldn’t be done, or because you’ll all get blown up if you’re caught?” Cassie looked annoyed.

“Both. Do not misunderstand me. I am not a traitor to the Empire. I gather intelligence and forward it to the Homeworld regularly. You’ve seen our ships? Impressive, perhaps, to the Hork-Bajir or your own race, but they’re nothing compared to what the Andalites have. The majority of our battles are not won through brute force, but cunning.”

“But by winning battles for the Yeerks, more free people are made into hosts.” Cassie still looked annoyed. “How exactly are you helping the Peace Movement?”

“If I threw myself down and refused to aid the Empire, I would be executed as a traitor. Dead, I am of no use to anyone.” Visser Five leaned forward. “I was led to believe you sought an end to this war?”

“Well, obviously, but—”

“What would you say if I told you we could have peace between my species and yours by this time tomorrow?”

There was a crashing sound as Marco fell out of his chair.

“That’s impossible,” said Cassie flatly. “The Andalites hate you. The Hork-Bajir hate you. If the humans knew about you, they’d hate you too.”

“You are correct. My species has made a terrible first impression upon the galaxy, and we may never redeem ourselves.” Visser Five tapped her strange, serrated fingers on her desktop. “But I know the Andalites. I have taken quite a few as hosts temporarily to speak with them, to ask them questions and to answer theirs. And what I found was quite interesting. They hate the Yeerks. But they hate this war more.”

“What do you mean?” asked Cassie.

“Have you ever known open warfare?” asked Visser Five. “On your home planet, have you ever experienced such a thing?”

“No,” said Cassie. “No, we haven’t…not in a while…”

“Then I will do my best to explain. The Andalites have a draft, and it is not voluntary. Now, on this planet, they only draft the males for some cultural reasons. For over two generations, their husbands and sons and brothers have been dying in droves. Tens of thousands were lost on Leera alone, just recently—”

“That was one of your people who sabotaged it!” said Marco suddenly. “On the Ascalin, the captain, he worked for you!”

Visser Five went still. “How do you know about that?”

<Loooong story,> said Tobias.

“Samilin was a traitor, to his own people and to us,” said Visser Five. “He would have sold us all out to Visser Four if he’d been successful. But the point I’m trying to make is that the Andalite public understands that the war cannot end until the Yeerk Empire is destroyed, for the good of the galaxy. But if a peaceful solution was offered, the public would demand their leaders accept it to prevent any more of their own kind from dying.”

“A peace treaty would have to be offered by the Council of Thirteen,” said Cassie. “Which they would never do. They want to control every planet everywhere.”

“Quite right,” said Visser Five. “But what if the Andalites were led to believe that they were being offered peace by the Yeerks and, at the same moment, the Yeerks were led to believe they were being offered peace by the Andalites?”

Cassie felt her eyelid twitch. “You can’t do that.”

“How badly do you want to end this war, Cassie?” asked Visser Five, and now she wasn’t just smiling, she was grinning.

“I want to end it the right way!” Cassie cried. “Not by tricking everyone into thinking the other side wants peace! That’s wrong!”

Visser Five looked taken aback. “Wrong? Wrong would be letting this war drag on for ten more years while I am in a position to stop it.”

“You can’t play both sides!” cried Cassie.

“Oh, I think I can,” said Visser Five in a sing-song voice. “Here is the unusual situation I have found myself in. I control some of the most powerful Andalites on this planet. If I set my mind to it, I could have half their Council before the third sun sets. But I am also a Visser in the Yeerk army and the highest ranking member of the Yeerk Peace Movement. As such, I have no small amount of influence in the Empire. And my technicians have told me that, with sufficient determination, they can break into the public broadcast network for this planet.”

Toby gave a soft gasp.

“You’ll never pull it off,” said Marco. “Even if you had all the right hosts, both sides are too proud to say yes. And even if you somehow do make that happen, you’ll be caught eventually. The first time the Andalites and Yeerks sit down to talk things over, it’ll be five minutes before they realize—”

“Oh, certainly,” said Visser Five. “I am not operating under the delusion that my deception will go uncovered. But here is something else I have learned about during my career in politics: public opinion. If the Andalites and my own people have been told that peace talks are underway, they will not be satisfied until peace is declared. Oh, both Councils will be enraged, but their hands will be tied.” She looked incredibly pleased with herself.

“Let me think about it,” said Cassie. “Give me…give me time.”

“Oh, of course! Give it some thought,” said Visser Five brightly. “Now, my assistant is making irritated faces at me, which means I have kept you too long.” She gestured to the door, where Sovi/Lannit was waiting. Cassie turned to say something, probably a goodbye, and then...

...and then Visser Five moved so quickly that Cassie didn’t even see it. All she knew was that one moment the Nahara had been behind the desk, and the next she stood in front of Marco, one of her long fingers under his chin, tilting his head from side to side so that she could examine his face, his eyes.

“Interesting,” she murmured. “You are…?”

“Yep,” said Marco, jerking out of her grasp.

“My apologies.” But then Visser Five was all smiles again. “We’ll be in touch.”

* * *

“Well?” hissed Rachel as they were hurried along a garden pathway by a frantic Shruta/Lissit. “How was it? What was she like?”

“She was…different,” said Cassie.

“She was nuts,” said Marco, struggling under the weight of a now-unconscious Jake.

<She was polite,> said Tobias from his usual spot on Toby’s head.

“She was a gifted actress,” said Toby, her face unreadable.

“Is she gonna help us? Is she gonna kill us?” pressed Rachel.

“Ax, shut up,” said Rachel.

“Actually, Ax, our Fearless Leader is getting sort of heavy,” said Marco, jostling Jake with his shoulder. “Can we put him on your back?”

<You can try,> said Ax, waving his tail-blade threateningly.

“Just leave him on the grass. He’ll be fine, probably,” said Rachel.

“Rachel!” cried Cassie. “You’re unbelievable, you know that?”

“Excuse me, I’m unbelievable?” Rachel tossed her hair back. “I’m not the ones who wore overalls to outer space.”

to be continued

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