City Dad

Dads and FMLA

2012-05-29T12:04:00.001-04:00

Months before the babies were due I started the conversation with my HR department about taking FMLA leave (Family Medical Leave Act) when our children were born. I am glad I started when I did because the process was a nightmare. The process was so painful you would have thought I was the only dad to ever take this federally protected leave. As it turns out, I was.

From the time I informed my company that I wanted to take leave to the time it was approved took 2 1/2 months and dozens of emails and calls and wasn't finalized until one week before the babies were born. Not only did it take a long time the paperwork was not written for a fathers and not a single person in our HR department new how to proceed. It wasn't until our corporate attorney got involved that a patchwork solution occurred.

The problem I faced was that my company hadn't caught up with the times. Paperwork was skewed to the female point of view. For instance, the form stated I needed to give my company access to medical records for an illness. Last time I checked caring and bonding with your children is not an illness. In the end, I had to give them permission to view my wife's medical records to prove she was having a baby. What would a Dad do if he was adopting our using a surrogate? On every form I had to cross out "female" and put in "male".

In the law, http://www.dol.gov/whd/fmla/ , it states:

Eligible employees are entitled to:

Twelve workweeks of leave in a 12-month period for:

the birth of a child and to care for the newborn child within one year of birth

Even after I was approved for FMLA the problems continued. The main issue was with the part highlighted above. Even though I had been given approval to take leave intermittently, as the law states, "within one year", my company started telling me I must show a medical necessity to continue leave because I had returned to work. I was told bluntly, "this is not for childcare". When I sent them the language in the FMLA law I was told that because I had returned to work after two weeks I was no longer eligible, I should have taken all 12 weeks at once, and that they interpreted the law differently. This from the same people who had approved the leave intermittently in the beginning.

There is clearly a bias in the workplace on Dads that want to care and bond with their children. The world is changing and the old way of Mom staying home with the kids is no longer the only option. My wife and I are very lucky that one of us can stay home and raise our children. It would be great if more companies would recognize that families are changing and the roles of Moms and Dads are not what they used to be.

In the end, I left my job and I am now a full time Dad. The best job I could ever have.

Sleeping? We are.

2012-05-15T07:54:00.000-04:00

I think we are the luckiest parents on earth. From the time we found out we having the twins all we heard was how bad getting sleep would be. We read books on sleep training, we steeled ourselves for night of crying and bought earplugs. Of course, the first couple of months you have to get up and feed them because they need to gain weight. When one woke up we woke up the other to preserve our sanity and keep them on some semblance of a schedule.

At our two month Doctor's visit or Doctor said "never wake a sleeping baby". From that point on our lives became much more manageable. Our daughter slept for 7 hours and our son would wake up but only for a diaper change. Soon enough they were both sleeping 7 hours, 11pm - 6am.

Then our lives changed again. We were talking to some parents with twins a bit older than ours when they mentioned there kids go down at 8 and then wake up at 4. We knew we needed to start getting them to be earlier but hadn't wanted to miss a feeding. That night we fed them at 8pm and they slept until 6am! No problems.

How they change

2012-05-15T07:36:00.003-04:00

Dr. Brown's Natural Flow Wide-Neck Newborn Feeding Set

I can't believe the twins will be 4 months old next week. The changes are amazing. They have more than doubled in weight, they are trying to talk (see video) and their personalities are coming out.

Two weeks ago I wanted to know their weight so I took them to the Post Office and put them on the postal scale. After a few odd looks I decided I should just wait til the doctor. We are going to there tomorrow to get a full update and I can't wait to see how much they weigh and how much they have grown.

Stay at home Dads in the news

2012-05-01T10:09:00.000-04:00

It seems that stay at home Dads are getting quite a bit of press. Yesterday on CNN they did a short piece and on Yahoo they posted a full article http://finance.yahoo.com/news/stay-home-dads-rise-091800594.html;_ylc=X3oDMTNudmU5MmVpBF9TAzExODMzMDk3NjkEYWN0A21haWxfY2IEY3QDYQRpbnRsA3VzBGxhbmcDZW4tVVMEcGtnAzA3YzVhNTIzLWQ3ZjQtMzkyMS1iZmY0LTMxOGJlY2M4MTczMwRzZWMDbWl0X3NoYXJlBHNsawNtYWlsBHRlc3QD;_ylv=3

I think it is great that we are getting more attention and we are being seen as valid caregivers to our children. I didn't like the attitude of the CNN anchor who laughed and seemed rather amused that Dads make good parents. She finally added that she guessed Dads were important. This is an attitude that needs to change. While some Dads stay at home out of need, more are staying home because they want to.

In NYC there is a whole group of Dads, 550, that are part of the New York City Dads Meetup group http://www.meetup.com/New-York-City-Dads-Meetup-Group/
I am looking forward to taking the kids to our first meetup tomorrow.

Isn't it amazing!

2012-04-29T21:28:00.000-04:00

Sometimes the days can seem like the movie Groundhog Day. Everything just repeats itself. You wake up and feed them. They get some tummy time. You change some diapers. You go for a walk. It is days like today that make it all worth it. Your son starts to react. What a great thing to see and hear him trying to talk. Here he is talking to mom. This is what it is all about. Being a Dad is awesome and I am so lucky to be able to share these moments and be present when they happen.

It started today...

2012-04-23T13:14:00.002-04:00

Today is the first day as a full time Dad. The twins are now 11 weeks old and so much has changed. They have doubled in weight, they are sleeping for up to six hours and are eating more and more. They have already been to Spain, which is another story and they already have three more trips planned.

The days are filled with feeding and errands. I seem to be going to Duane Reade every day for something. It is more to get out of the house than anything. So far the weather has been good so I can get out for a walk in the park. I am not looking forward to a full day inside when it rains.

The changes with the kids are amazing. Smiles and cooing are just the start. They are now awake more often which makes it easier to connect.

I am looking forward to joining some NYC dad's Meetup groups soon so I can meet more stay at home Dads and connect with some adults.

One of Each

2011-10-03T16:41:00.000-04:00

Now we know. One boy one girl. After trying for so long this is great news! Now what? Tonight the learning begins at www.twiniversity.com in NYC. We will learn:

How to hire a nanny (from interview to first day)
Getting your Twins on a daily schedule and sticking with it
Preparing your finances
Mistakes new parents make
Dealing with your nanny/baby nurse
Feeding two at once
Getting things done with what little time you have
Interacting with your new bundles of joy
Bath time x 2
How to deal with your new relationship (and I don't mean the kids)
Traveling with your circus around our city and globe (train, bus, car, air travel)

Seems like a lot for a Twins 101 course. It will be good to understand what others have gone through and what we should expect. In four months we have a lot to prepare for to make sure Baby A and Baby B have everything they need when they come into this world.

I have no doubt that as much as we plan we will miss something but this is a good start.

A New World

2011-09-09T23:27:00.000-04:00

As I look to the future with twins, tonight, I am thinking about the past. This weekend is the 10th anniversary of September 11th and I live in New York City. I woke up today to a city on edge. Road blocks and police everywhere because of a new terrorist threat. As I left my office downtown, I looked up and saw the rising towers of the new world trade center and had a moment of both pride and fear. The fear was not for me but for my unborn children. What kind of world will they grow up in? How can I protect them from an unknown enemy? When I got off the subway and checked my email I was greeted with an email with a subject of "concern". It was from my mother.

It made me think that a parent never stops worrying about their children. Being far away, she was feeling helpless as she watched the news about a new threat in the city where her son lived. I called when I got home and tried to reassure her that my wife and I were ok and that the city was safe despite the media attention. Her response, "It is my job to worry."

What is my job as a father to be? How am I supposed to protect my family in an uncertain world? Tonight, I will go to sleep and say a prayer for those who died ten years ago and for the friends and family who still mourn. I will pray for those who's lives changed forever that day and I will pray that I will be able to protect my family.

Most of all, I will celebrate life this weekend. My life, my wife's life and the the future life of my children.

Two adults, two infants and the Dog

2011-09-07T21:54:00.001-04:00

For a couple of years we lived in a great one bedroom with 600 square feet. Two adults and our dog. For the most part, it worked out well. But it was time to move on up and get a two bedroom. We got a whole 450 more square feet!!! We can now stretch our legs and not trip over the dog who always seemed under foot.

Now, we have two babies to add to this space. Two babies, two cribs, food for two etc....I am thinking of investing in nets, like an old sailing ship but I am sure that will not fit with the overall "design aesthetic" my wife is putting in place. Do they make bunk cribs? Is it legal to use a drawer for the first year or so? I am kidding of course. I saw the Seinfeld where Kramer's house guests got stuck. Lesson learned.

How do you even make a decision on a crib or a stroller? Have you seen these things lately? They cost more than my first car! Check out the Bugaboo Donkey http://www.bugaboo.com/home . This thing should mow my yard for as much as it costs. The problem is, we need it. We live in NYC, don't have a car and walk most places. I wonder how many rickshaw trips I can get for the $2000??? The cost goes up when I add in the storage I will have to pay for. Remember, only 1100 square feet. Search Amazon.com for strollers

To Drink or not to Drink

2011-09-05T23:55:00.001-04:00

You all may face this question at one point or another. Your wife should not drink to protect your unborn child/children. What about you? This becomes pretty tricky. You may think you are lucky because for 9 months you have a built in designated driver. This is true but it comes with many more problems than you know.

Before you (I mean the collective you), got pregnant there were plenty of late nights with bottles of wine or beer. What happens when you get the question, "Are you setting the right example for your unborn children?" Tread lightly my friend. This is a minefield that is very tough to navigate and can easily blow up in your face. Keep in mind past behavior and be very sensitive to your wife's feelings.

Have you ever been sober while your friends were drinking to their hearts content? Imagine how your wife feels. This is a very thin line. Never get too drunk. Keep in mind that you are part of a team. You are no longer able to be "that guy". Have a drink or two but be conscious of your spouses feelings. I have to admit this is not the easiest thing for me to conquer.

Your wife is experiencing the same hangover you may have every day. Keep it in moderation and keep your wife's feelings in your thoughts. It will serve you better in the long run.

Morning...You mean all day

2011-09-04T20:01:00.001-04:00

Be aware there are a few types of morning sickness and it is in thirds. 1/3 have no symptoms, 1/3 have nausea and the lucky few have nausea with vomiting. Get ready if you are in the latter 1/3rd, it is no fun. Be prepared to hold back hair like you did with your college girlfriend that had to much to drink. I have been told to imagine your worst hangover that just repeats itself. If you are a smart man you should just go with the flow and not make any jokes. My wife is not in a joking mood.

If you are like me, and the getting pregnant part was so hard, every pain and grimace is a cause to worry. There is not much you can do but hope for the best and read all you can about what is going on with her body. Don't get freaked out when you read that the eyes are on the sides of the head during the 10th week. As soon as you hear the heartbeat a whole new list of fears appears.

How much is this going to cost? Where are they going to go to college? Who is going to work and who is going to stay home. Be realistic, Can you both work? Can you be a stay at home dad? I have about 5 months to make a lot of decisions.

Well, enough of looking forward, for now just make sure your wife is comfortable and doesn't puke on the floor. If she does and you have to clean it up just think of it as training for the baby/babies that are on the way.

It all started with....

2011-09-02T23:06:00.001-04:00

From the time most of us could remember we were told to "be careful". "You don't want to get her pregnant". "You better practice safe sex". "A baby will change your life".

Nobody told us how hard it can really be when we want to have a child. You find the woman you love and are ready to start a family. No more "safe sex". The reigns are gone. You go all in (pardon the pun). Months go by and the pee stick becomes your enemy. The thermometer and timing are evil. Sex becomes a chore and you start questioning everything about your manhood all the while trying to support your wife.

The next step is the doctors office. Crammed in a room with couples and single women all with a tension on their faces that is hard to see. Is it me? Is it her? How are we going to get through this? The doctor tells you it is not easy as you think. Tests are ordered. You get to jerk off in a tiny room with old porn magazines and even older porn cassette tapes. How did it get this far?

Your life becomes all about making the baby. You get mad at the couple on the street glowing with a new child or the woman with a baby bump. You don't want to face another test or another visit to the sad and depressing room filled with desperate people just like you.

You try, you fail. It is tough and no one tells you how hard this can be. The bills get bigger and the stress mounts for both of you. What else can go wrong? The whole process really sucks.

For me it went on like this for two long years and more than a few disappointments. The day my wife started puking was one of the happiest of my life. Could it be we were really pregnant? Would this end well?

I can't say how it will end but as of right now we have made it through the first trimester and are pregnant with Twins!

After all the heartache now the real stuff starts....