city mom, country mom

New Blog.

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Tue, 10 Jul 2018 15:22:00 +0000

Hi there, just wanted to give a quick update that I (Carrie) have continued blogging over at a new site. https://lilagracewaits.wordpress.com/ After ten years, I still have the desire to express how loss effects our lives so I'll be sharing over there.

Then and Now.

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Mon, 14 Mar 2016 21:28:00 +0000

So many things have changed over the years. Us Mommas stepped away from the blogging, as we found it continued to bring us back to the pain when we wrote about it. There have been several times that I (Carrie) have considered deleting this blog, but I know how it felt early in the first days of loss to search the internet looking for just one mom who might understand the depths of my pain. That is what causes my hesitation to delete. I know if what we wrote in the past, or our existence, or our understanding helps just one other parent.. It's worth keeping it here.

I'm not entirely sure if anyone sees this blog anymore, or if these posts appear in any feeds. I would greatly appreciate it if you could drop a line, leave a comment or send an email to let us know where it stands. Thank you so much.

She would have been 5..

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Wed, 07 Nov 2012 13:40:00 +0000

Our daughter Lila would have been five today.

It's so hard to believe time has gone by this fast, I look around me- imagining what life would have been like with that sweet little girl playing alongside her brother and sister.

Our son is three years old and doesn't completely understand that he has two sisters. He tells us, "Sissy Wyda- I can't see her?"

I know and believe with all my heart, I will hold her in my arms in Heaven.

And my heart will be healed completely from the biggest break it ever suffered.

Praying today for all the people who have experienced this same kind of pain....

This month.

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Tue, 04 Sep 2012 03:28:00 +0000

This month has just begun, and I have already met two mommas via the web who have survived SIDS. It's hard to believe just how many people this unexplainable tragedy happens to. I was curious about the numbers, so I googled the facts.

"Since 1983, the rate of SIDS has fallen by over 50 percent. Sadly, there are still about 2,500 deaths per year in the United States."

I can't even fathom that number. And for each one of those 2,500 babies there are countless people who hurt from that death. It's really a shocking thing, and yet, here we are-- so many of us survivors. We keep pushing forward because that's what we have to do. And I keep praying that all of us, as we do this, can find joy despite those huge cracks in our hearts.

I wanted to see a clear example of how many babies 2,500 is. It's so hard to picture... So, here is one little O for each child.. It's insanely difficult to process.

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

Love Can Build a Bridge.

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 03:50:00 +0000

I was sitting here listening to Country Gold tonight and the song " Love Can Build a Bridge" came on. I had totally forgotten that I'd had this on a mix cd in my car back in 2008, and I played it repeatedly because it soothed our Lila when she was fussy. I remember singing this to her day after day on my way to and from doctor visits, work, etc. It's so strange to listen to the words of the song and look back knowing what I know now. It's also difficult to hear because I know that love is what is bridging us now across this great distance between Heaven and Earth. I can't wait to smile at her, face to face and tell her how glad I am to see her when I get there too one day.

Four Years.

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 15:29:00 +0000

It has been four years since our little one went to Heaven. We slept so peacefully that night that I felt the heaviest burden of guilt when we awoke to the chaos that had suddenly become our lives... But it dawned on me during the early stages of grief... that it is absolutely true that GOD is in control of everything. We only fool ourselves into thinking we own these moments and control our destiny and that's why grief knocks people down so hard! Until we surrender to God and accept that there is a gorgeous, sparkling eternity of hope on the other side- we live in darkness. We stand united as a family now, only because we chose to break through that darkness and look to the Lord to help us. He has healed us, put our hearts back together, allowed us to help others hurting from the same thing, blessed us in so many ways we can barely recount them all without taking the span of an entire week.

If you have lost a child, my heart breaks for you, but I am filled with much hope that the Lord will pick you up and carry you through this and show you that their life hasn't really ended- they are with Him! And your life hasn't ended either- this is only a new chapter that started in a way you never would have wanted, but there is so much on the other side once you climb over this mountain. You can do this with His help. Trust in Him.

Giant hugs to you. You are in my heart and in my prayers.

Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 14:18:00 +0000

Last night I was thinking about our one Christmas with our two girls. It was joyful, noisy and busy in our house. We had no idea that within a handful of weeks our littlest would be spending her time with Jesus. That following year, '08, Christmas was quiet and sad. We did our best to make it Merry for our 3 year old, but we all knew there was someone missing. It was the oddest feeling in the world to watch that sweet little girl sit there by herself opening gifts with no sibling there to share it with.

I am extremely thankful for our two year old little boy. He came into our lives and brightened everything back up. When he is all grown up, I intend to look him in the eye and explain all of this.. and to tell him that God patched our hearts up with love for our little baby boy.

I am incredibly thankful for the two children I have here on Earth, and thankful, but longing- for the one I have in Heaven.

If you are going through the loss of a child during this season, I am soooo very sorry. I send you the biggest hug this post can hold. Please know that you are not alone. There are many of us out here, we know that deep pain and the hollow feeling in your chest. I will continue praying each night for all of you. Hold tight to the knowledge that you Can see them again!

4

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 13:09:00 +0000

Today would have been our Lila's fourth birthday.

It's hard to wrap my mind around that, I can't believe it's been that long. I find myself wondering what she would have looked like, and how close she would have been to her big sister.

Our lives would have been drastically different, that -I know for sure.

I'm thankful that God gave us the strength to keep going after her passing, to hold tighter to one another and to be able to manage the pain. We couldn't have done that without Him.

The Grief/Joy Exchange.

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 18:57:00 +0000

This past week I had a bad day.
A day full of sadness and tears, remembering the pain we went through. It was this week that I realized how my life is playing out (my life since loss). It started out with a load of grief so heavy I could barely carry it (I tried to let the Lord carry it for me, but in the beginning that was a hard burden to drop at the foot of the cross.) As the past four years have passed my good days have multiplied and the bad days have lessened. I can see where, at a year in, my days were an equal mix. As we've come through these last four years- I have had less and less of those bad days. I am thankful the Lord has grown and shaped my heart, and moulded me into a stronger person.

This week I had the opportunity to share our Lila's story with yet another person suffering from loss and hurt. We randomly had a woman stop on the road in front of our home (we live in the middle of nowhere) She was traveling (on foot from far away) and she was "thinking of giving up her religion." She said she had experienced large amounts of grief in her life and she was angry. Lila's short life has brought us many opportunities to share the truth about Heaven with people we've only just met. We were able to share with her the truth that religion isn't what gets you to Heaven- it's your honest relationship with the Lord.

I am so thankful for our little girl.
I consider all of this part of the grief/joy exchange.

Maddie and I started a small tradition in memory of Lila.. it's quite simple really- we pour glitter on her grave stone. It sparkles in the sun and is absolutely gorgeous. It reminds us of the sparkle she added to our lives while she was here.

Our New Addition

noreply@blogger.com (Raychel) — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 19:58:00 +0000

This is Brennyn and he is the newest addition to our household (OK country mom). He was born on June 28th and has been an absolute blessing. He is a very good baby and I am praying that he stays that way!!

It is crazy the transformation that can take place from one child to the next. When I was blessed with Abigayl, I never once thought about SIDS. I was more concerned with autism. It is what is talked about in the media so it was the only real concern I had. After she passed and Rowynn came along, all I could think about was SIDS. To this day, I am thankful for my obgyn making the judgment call to bring in a pediatrician that set us up with the apnea monitor. I don't think I would have survived Rowynn's infancy without that machine.

With Brennyn, we have the apnea monitor but we rarely use it. I find myself at peace with knowing God is in control and Brennyn will be okay.

For all of you mommies that have recently lost your sweet baby or those of you who have been on the journey for months or years, it will eventually get "easier". I have been walking this road for three years and through there are days I don't feel my heart will survive, there are many more days that I am full of joy. Not only joy from Abigayl's brothers but, joy that lies in the memories I have of my beautiful daughter.

A Trip Away

noreply@blogger.com (Raychel) — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 19:39:00 +0000

At the beginning of this month we decided to take Rowynn on his last family trip that would be just the three of us. I know he is young, 14 months, but we thought it would be good for him to get to have a new experience before his baby brother arrives.

For our family trip, we headed to San Antonio to let him experience Sea World. We chose Sea World because he loves animals but we also chose Sea World because it is a special place for us. It is a place where we were able to find our smiles and connect after we experienced the biggest tragedy of our lives.

A couple of days after Abigayl's funeral, we decided that it would be best to get out of town for a few days. We didn't have a lot of money so we needed somewhere that was within driving distance. We had not been to Sea World and we knew we could make the drive in one day. It was a perfect fit.

While in San Antonio/Sea World, we were able to genuinely smile. We allowed ourselves to have fun but we also felt sad that Abigayl couldn't be there to see all the pretty animals. I think the best part of the trip was that it allowed Rusty and I a few days away from family, friends and the constant reminders of our sweet little girl. It gave us those few days to connect and talk. It is hard not to talk during a 12 hour car ride!

The point in all of this, take time together. You and your spouse need time to connect. Marriage is a fragile thing and the passing of a child can drive a deep wedge. The advice we got from the doctor at the hospital where Abigayl was taken has stuck with me, he said, "Lean on each other because it is so important that you do that now. Don't point blame. There is nothing that could have been done." I am blessed because since moment one when Rusty walked through our front door and saw the paramedics working on Abigayl, I told him I was so sorry and he told me that it wasn't my fault. He has never pointed blame at me, even when I blamed myself.

Another on the Way!

noreply@blogger.com (Raychel) — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 22:25:00 +0000

I know that I have been an absentee blogger over the past few months and I apologize. Having a fourteen month old keeps me on my toes. Plus I have started watching TWO five year old boys AND I am 27 weeks pregnant!! Let's just say that there is not a lot of spare time anymore! Even though, my goal is to be more consistent with blogging on here. Just because I have Rowynn, it doesn't mean that I don't deal with really hard days or moments in the day.

Today I have to make this one short. But, I wanted to send out an apology for my lack of writing and also say that I will be better at being a little more consistent.

I hope you have a wonderful week and know that my thoughts and prayers are with all of the families that have lost their precious baby. I know the pain you are going through and I am so sorry.

From A Lullaby to Goodbye

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 16:08:00 +0000

It's finally here.. A book written by parents and grandparents who know exactly what it's like to lose a precious child. I am thankful I could share Lila's story here within these pages- and I can only hope that it will comfort others as they find themselves in the same shoes that we have worn. Help us bring this book to print sooner by supporting us with a purchase of the ebook. Visit www.lullabytogoodbye.com for more info.

Feb 1

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Sat, 05 Feb 2011 13:39:00 +0000

This past Tuesday marked three years since our precious Lila Grace went to Heaven.

When I heard the weather forecast was a blizzard and massive amounts of accumulation , it took me back to that night- three years ago -when it had been exactly the same. So much snow it took the ambulance 40 minutes to get to us. Somehow though, despite the painful reminder, we made it through the anniversary without a single tear. Our hearts are healing, and a lot of that has to do with our other children. I am thankful that God gave us the peace and trust to try again. I can't imagine what our life would have been like if we hadn't gone on to have our little Jude. Maddie and Jude are our precious little sweethearts.

It's been a hard week as all of us have been so sick, and to see the kids with high temps and sinus infections and to not be able to care for them myself has been difficult. I'm thankful my husband has been able to take some time off work and nurse us back to health.

Thank you for continuing to pray for our family and for supporting us. We love you.

Precious in His Sight.

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 15:51:00 +0000

Carrie here.

I honestly can't remember if I've posted this story before, but I wanted to be sure it was shared. It's an experience I had with an answered prayer. One that was so obvious it couldn't be denied.

When we were preparing for Lila's funeral, we had trouble deciding what to put on her stone. I was sitting in the car outside the cemetery caretaker's home (Josh was inside discussing details.) I was flipping through the bible looking for four words we could put on her stone. Engraving costs were by the word and four more was about all we could afford at the bottom.

I grew upset because I wanted God to allow me to "just turn to a page". It was such a difficult trial in my life, and I just wanted him to make something - anything- easy. I had little patience. It was then that I broke down in tears and prayed for help. I told him I'd wait for his answer. That was on a Monday afternoon. Later that night our bible study group came to our home to be with us and to pray. It was amazing that they'd even made it considering the conditions outside. The fog was thick, not the usual kind of fog, but so thick you could scarcely make out your own hand in front of your face. Along with their visit- they gave us another gift- a tangible one- a blanket from the church. I opened it up, it was a depiction of Jesus with a child, across the bottom it read: Precious in His Sight.

From that moment on, I did not doubt that God heard my prayers. It strengthened my prayer life in a way that I could not have accomplished on my own. God is great. When I get down and miss my daughter, I remind myself that she is precious and she's not only in His sight, She's in His arms!

And that was what we had engraved on her stone.

I send my love to all you other mommas who have children in Heaven. Keep pushing forward and rely on the Lord. He will light your path- no matter how dark. And He will hear your prayers, no matter how small.

A Merry Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 18:13:00 +0000

Hey there, long time no blog, I know.. In case you forgot who I am, allow me to reintroduce myself, I am Lila's Momma (Carrie). Sometimes this blog is a struggle for me. Blogging on it can bring me back to the past, a place I wish not to dwell, but at the same time I know there are other Mommas out there struggling at this very moment with wounds that are so much like my own that I want to be there for them, even if it does feel painful to come here sometimes. I remember surfing the Internet after her passing, searching for another human who had some inkling of what I was going through, someone to connect with. And that is what keeps me coming back here- even if it's not very often.

We had a Merry Christmas at our house, (despite the passing around of the stomach flu). One of the best little moments was seeing Jude (our little 18 monther) walk into the living room with Lila's blanket (the one we'd given her on her first and only Christmas with us) He plopped down on the floor and began rubbing his nose with her blankey (this is a habit he has that he comforts himself with) and just the fact that it was her blanket was enough to warm up my heart and make me feel closer to her. She is still with us in our hearts even though she's in the arms of Jesus.

Christmas Gift

noreply@blogger.com (Raychel) — Tue, 07 Dec 2010 22:02:00 +0000

Every year, as hard as it can be, we head out to Abigayl's spot to decorate for Christmas. The bright spot in the painful event was having the "help" of Rowynn this year.

Every year it hits that I have to come to a cemetery to decorate for my daughter. I am 28 years old and this is the third Christmas we have spent decorating her spot. Though the pain doesn't hit as often as it used to, every year when we go and decorate it is so painful. I never want that pain to stop me though. I find it so important to let her have her own Christmas decorations. Though it hurts, it still brings me joy that there is something small I can still do for her on the earth even though she can't be here with us.

One of my favorite things about taking Rowynn to visit Abigayl is the moments when he gets down and touches her plaque. I just wonder if he recognizes her face from all of the pictures we have around the house. My hope is that even though he never got to meet his big sister, he will always hold a special place in his heart for her. That he will always feel a connection. I just hope I can help him feel that bond.

On a much lighter note, Rusty and I are EXPECTING!! Yes, you read correctly. Even though we have a 10 month old we are gearing up for a new addition come July 5, 2011. As of right now I am 10 weeks. I'm ready for the first trimester exhaustion to subside so I can have the energy my son demands! We are really praying for a girl this time around. I know God will do what is best for us so I'm hoping that what is best is a little girl!

11-7-07

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Sun, 07 Nov 2010 02:25:00 +0000

Three years ago - our Lila Grace was born.

She was tiny, delicate and so very different from our other two children.

It truly amazes me that a person so tiny could have changed our world so much. I am so thankful to have had 86 days with her. She moved mountains with her tiny hands, mountains we'd constructed in our hearts. God sent her here on a mission, and her work only took three months to complete. I miss her dearly, but with each passing year the pain lessens. I stopped viewing the time as rapidly moving away from her, and realized it is rapidly moving toward her. Our time will come, we know not when, but we know it is coming. I have stopped viewing Heaven as something unknown and uncertain. I have studied God's clues to Heaven in the bible, and it is so much more than the myths I used to believe. I know I won't have wings, I won't turn into an angel, I'll be me, and we'll all be a big family, we won't stand around and sing all day with harps- we'll have a purpose, a life, an eternal life free of pain and suffering. It's going to be wonderful.

She's there waiting, and I don't fear death anymore. Death is merely the door opening to our eternal life. It is the beginning.

I hope and pray that my "beginning" in my eternal life begins with a giant hug from a sweet soul named Lila Grace, a smile on her face and a voice calling out, "Mom! I am so happy to see you, I've been waiting!"

www.lilabower.last-memories.com

Almost Two Years....

noreply@blogger.com (Raychel) — Wed, 22 Sep 2010 17:14:00 +0000

I just got off the phone with the floral department at the cemetery where our beautiful Abigayl has her spot. With the distraction of Rowynn, I don't cry as often as I used to. Especially now that my days are filled with feedings, diaper changes, LOTS of laundry, play time and following around a crawling seven month old.

But, days like today where I called to order flowers for Abi's vase, hit home the fact that I have a child in heaven. It is heart wrenching when I actually stop and take in the fact that Abigayl was here on this earth and not just a beautiful dream. I really did hold her in my arms, hear her giggle and enjoy so many wonderful days with her.

We are coming up on the anniversary of her two year angel day and it gets harder and harder as the day fast approaches. I keep trying to push it back so that I can get through all of my daily activities but when I ordered those flowers, it hit me like a tidal wave.

Though time makes it easier to get through the daily routine, our hearts forever miss our little angels and some days are harder than others.

Today, I am having one of those days.

I miss Abigayl every single day and think about her all the time. But I feel the pain on days like today when my focus is on a specific task for her.

September, October, November

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 12:42:00 +0000

Us three mommas have angel anniversaries/birthdays coming up and would be grateful for your prayers for continued peace and comfort as we forge ahead.

September 30th is the 2 yr mark since Abigayl went to Heaven.

October 20th is the 3 yr mark since Ethan went to Heaven.

November 7th would have been Lila's 3rd birthday.

Thank you to everyone for your love, encouragement, support and prayers.

Hugs..

Mixed Emotions

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 12:47:00 +0000

Today was one of those days that has my heart confused! It was my oldest child's first day of school. I stood there watching her take her seat on the bus and wondered if I would laugh or cry when the bus drove away. I did neither, I actually just wandered back to the house and thought about it. It's scary to begin taking these steps toward the future- toward sending her off on her own one day. I keep reminding myself though how lucky I am to see this day with her, as I won't see it with Lila. It's yet another one of those bittersweet moments that causes mixed emotions. I would love to hear how other mom's handled the "first day blues". :) feel free to comment..

Carrie- aka Country Mom

I'd like to share...

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 20:13:00 +0000

this link... Click Here

This story is one that we found in our foster parenting education binder. I thought it was really touching, and as prospective foster parents - it helps us to understand how kids might feel. I know that for me, personally- it makes me fear their "baggage" less and grow my desire to want to help them with that "suitcase."

-Country Mom, Carrie

Carrie: How Would It Be with Three?

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 04:59:00 +0000

I babysat for a friend of ours today. Her little one is just around six months younger than our sweet Lila Grace. I've babysat for her before- but today it really hit me as she followed me around the house- this is that age range Lila would be in now. This is what it would be like if I had all three of my babies here with me on Earth. It was interesting to sit in another room and listen to her chat in toddler talk to my five year old. It was at that moment that I really thought about how hard all of this has been on Maddie. Jude is the youngest, he came after the loss- he'll never know exactly what this family has been through- all he'll know is that he is loved even further (beyond measure) because of our exposure to SIDS. As for Maddie- she held her sister in her arms, sang her lullabies, helped wrap her Christmas gifts, kissed her on her chubby cheeks- all of these memories she still has- and you add all that up, and I can only imagine the longing she has in her little heart. It makes me wish I was brave enough to give her another brother or sister in hopes that it would bring forth another baby girl. But we all know- it wouldn't be Lila- it wouldn't be the same. I suppose in some ways our steps toward foster parenting will be a huge blessing to our family because we have all this love to give, and we feel like somebody is missing. At the same time I wonder if the constant revolving door of the foster system will make it hard on my own kids because they are constantly saying hello and goodbye to other children. At this point (with just one week until our first class) I feel the strength and courage to push forward and find out. I just pray that it will be that blessing, and that my children will learn to understand. Only the Lord knows where this and all our roads lead. I just need to put my trust and faith in him and keep going. It's really hard sometimes, isn't it?! I guess we're all 'works in progress.'

Jude (left) Maddie (right) and our little guest in the middle. :)

Dear God, please hold our little family close to you and help us to fully trust in you and not question your will.

Raychel: Guilt and Shock

noreply@blogger.com (Raychel) — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 17:00:00 +0000

One of the toughest things I had to face, besides the loss of Abigayl, was dealing with the guilt. I carried a huge burden from the moment I found her.

As I said in my last post, Abigayl slept with a blanket that almost always ended up over her face and it was that way when I found her. I know that every book, article and doctor says that you should have your baby sleep on their back and with an empty crib.

For a VERY long time I felt like if I wouldn't have put that blanket in the crib with her she would have still been with us. I struggled every day with that. The other terror that haunted me was the mental image of finding her. It was like getting kicked in the chest by an elephant every time that image popped into my head.

After months of killing myself with the guilt and mental images, I finally decided to seek help. I found a psychologist and it just so happened she used a technique called EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) that helped me with my shock or post traumatic stress.

First, she helped me understand the guilt. The way she put it, guilt was a way for me to feel like I had some control over the situation. I DIDN'T have control over the situation. GOD had control.

Then we dealt with the mental images with EMDR. I couldn't believe how it affected me after the first session. After going 6 or 7 times, I was able to stop without having a recurrence of the strong feelings I had to those mental images. I fell that without her help I wouldn't be able to write or talk about that day. It would have been to debilitating.

If you are struggling with feelings of guilt, I highly encourage you to find someone to talk to because it is NOT your fault. There is nothing that could have been done.

Raychel: Our Little Blessing

noreply@blogger.com (Raychel) — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 14:35:00 +0000

Since the passing of Abigayl, Rusty and I were blessed with our beautiful son. Rowynn was born on February 5, 2010 and we have thoroughly enjoyed watching him grow and develop.

Though this is our second child it is amazing how much I feel like a first time mom. I'm experiencing things with Rowynn that I never got the chance to with Abigayl.

It was a scary to think about having another child. Rusty and I didn't know how we would sleep while he was sleeping or how we could ever be comfortable leaving him. Thankfully we were able to take care of the sleeping fear by setting him up with an apnea monitor and with time we have been able to leave him for an hour or two at a time.

The pain of losing Abigayl hasn't gone away but it has gotten easier. I no longer cry every day but I do have my days that hurt and I have to face the pain, hurt and loss.

I must admit, Rowynn has filled a place in me that I never thought would be whole again. He may end up a bit spoiled but I'm okay with that! I'm just happy to have his cheeks to kiss.