city mom, country mom

Four Years.

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 15:29:00 +0000

It has been four years since our little one went to Heaven. We slept so peacefully that night that I felt the heaviest burden of guilt when we awoke to the chaos that had suddenly become our lives... But it dawned on me during the early stages of grief... that it is absolutely true that GOD is in control of everything. We only fool ourselves into thinking we own these moments and control our destiny and that's why grief knocks people down so hard! Until we surrender to God and accept that there is a gorgeous, sparkling eternity of hope on the other side- we live in darkness. We stand united as a family now, only because we chose to break through that darkness and look to the Lord to help us. He has healed us, put our hearts back together, allowed us to help others hurting from the same thing, blessed us in so many ways we can barely recount them all without taking the span of an entire week.

If you have lost a child, my heart breaks for you, but I am filled with much hope that the Lord will pick you up and carry you through this and show you that their life hasn't really ended- they are with Him! And your life hasn't ended either- this is only a new chapter that started in a way you never would have wanted, but there is so much on the other side once you climb over this mountain. You can do this with His help. Trust in Him.

Giant hugs to you. You are in my heart and in my prayers.

Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 14:18:00 +0000

Last night I was thinking about our one Christmas with our two girls. It was joyful, noisy and busy in our house. We had no idea that within a handful of weeks our littlest would be spending her time with Jesus. That following year, '08, Christmas was quiet and sad. We did our best to make it Merry for our 3 year old, but we all knew there was someone missing. It was the oddest feeling in the world to watch that sweet little girl sit there by herself opening gifts with no sibling there to share it with.

I am extremely thankful for our two year old little boy. He came into our lives and brightened everything back up. When he is all grown up, I intend to look him in the eye and explain all of this.. and to tell him that God patched our hearts up with love for our little baby boy.

I am incredibly thankful for the two children I have here on Earth, and thankful, but longing- for the one I have in Heaven.

If you are going through the loss of a child during this season, I am soooo very sorry. I send you the biggest hug this post can hold. Please know that you are not alone. There are many of us out here, we know that deep pain and the hollow feeling in your chest. I will continue praying each night for all of you. Hold tight to the knowledge that you Can see them again!

4

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 13:09:00 +0000

Today would have been our Lila's fourth birthday.

It's hard to wrap my mind around that, I can't believe it's been that long. I find myself wondering what she would have looked like, and how close she would have been to her big sister.

Our lives would have been drastically different, that -I know for sure.

I'm thankful that God gave us the strength to keep going after her passing, to hold tighter to one another and to be able to manage the pain. We couldn't have done that without Him.

Home.

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 14:25:00 +0000

Muffin has gone home.
I took him there on Tuesday morning, and after meeting the supervisor and seeing the home I feel "okay" with leaving him there. It's not the life I would want to give him, but it's the life I believe he was meant to have.

His parents do love him and should be able to provide for him. His mom told me repeatedly that she'll be calling me. And emailing too... I know I need to stay out of their life and let them be a family. It will be hard to stay away from a child I raised for 8 months, but I hopefully will see him at least once a year around his birthday- since this is one thing his mother had mentioned in the past. I would like that.

We love Muffin and it's strange not having him here, but at the same time, we had forgotten what it was like to not be owned by the state and told what to do and how to do it- Constantly!
We may go back to fostering in the future, but now we are taking a break.

Wow!

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 05:28:00 +0000

God is quite obviously in charge as far as Muffin's future is concerned. I mean, I knew this all along, but now I can actually see it.

We got a call on Friday night from the DCS Supervisor. They are moving Muffin back home now- as in - the next two weeks and there will be a provider that stays in the home for LONG periods of time monitoring and teaching his parents. This is such amazing news I could hardly believe it. They didn't want to move him to another foster home, and they actually listened to us when we said that the case was dragging on for too long and not showing progress. Now he will be reunited, his parents will have some much needed training, and he will be relatively safe. This means he will stay with us for one to two more weeks until they get everything in place and make their referrals. The only thing that can derail this is the judge saying no- (which is unlikely given the info and the plan) or if Muffin's parents do something ridiculous or refuse to have long periods of supervision in the home.

Please keep praying for this little guy.
We are so pleased at the work that God is doing in his life.
Just when we thought we were quitting and not going to see this to the end...
the end is now in sight and progress will finally be made.
Praise God!

Tough Choice.

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 11:42:00 +0000

We had to make a tough choice. We were feeling completely overwhelmed with the new visitation schedule for the baby. DCS has decided, despite what there plan was all along, that they are hurrying to pursue reunification and place baby back in the home within a couple months. We are unsure how they could decide this based on all the facts about his parents and their life choices, but this is what they are working toward. The schedule has now increased and instead of driving 44 miles a day (leaving the house twice a day to drop off and pick up) three times a week- it will be increasing until it is nearly every day of the week until reunification.

Also- we do not have advanced notice on the schedule, if we are lucky we know the day before, but recently it has become a situation where I sit at home and wait for a text to let me know what time I have to drive him to the drop off point. This means that every day I cannot make any plans until baby is dropped off already, and then I have to work around that pickup time that his parents chose. I found myself having to reschedule my own children's dr appointments, parent teacher conference, and the like around what works for the baby's parents. That's tough.

We have endured a lot as a family over the last (almost) eight months, and it is taking it's toll. We have decided that quitting is the best decision for our household. It is going to be very hard to see Muffin moved to another foster home for the next 8 weeks until he goes home, but with this increased schedule it is best for him to be living closer to his bio home. He does think we are his parents, you can tell that by his reactions to us- and it's going to be hard to see him leave- but it is better that it happens now so that his own bio mom is his main focus, his familiar face. He is headed home to be with her soon, and we are thankful that he will have that family, we will just be praying like mad that she does everything she is supposed to do.

There are moments that this eats me up because I personally feel like a "quitter" but the last eight months have been some of the most difficult of our lives, which is saying a lot considering the pain we went through when our Lila passed away in '08. We will once again be saying goodbye to a baby, but in a different way of course.

DCS in our county is not functioning the way we believe that it should, and without going into detail, we will say that in the future- when our kids are both in school- and should the DCS office have new employees - we may go back to fostering.

We did ask for a transfer to another county since we are right by the county line, but they said that was not possible. There are so many factors that led us to this decision, it's not just the driving, it's not just the corruption of the system, or the case manager treating us poorly, it's all of it added together-
the system does not serve the children in the best possible way, it's really quite sad how badly it fails.

We love Muffin so much, this is going to be very hard- but we love our own children too and right now this is just not working. Please pray for us, we'd really appreciate it.

Life.

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 15:00:00 +0000

Sometimes life after loss is difficult because of things other people say.
That sounds silly, doesn't it? But it's not, it's actually quite truthful.
I find myself struggling the most on days when I hear other people say that they hate their life. Especially people with all of their children (here on Earth). I don't know how you can be a parent with your family intact and be so ungrateful that you can announce on social media sites that you "hate your life."

I wish people would take notice of their lives, their children, their blessings and be glad they have never walked a mile in these shoes.

The Grief/Joy Exchange.

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 18:57:00 +0000

This past week I had a bad day.
A day full of sadness and tears, remembering the pain we went through. It was this week that I realized how my life is playing out (my life since loss). It started out with a load of grief so heavy I could barely carry it (I tried to let the Lord carry it for me, but in the beginning that was a hard burden to drop at the foot of the cross.) As the past four years have passed my good days have multiplied and the bad days have lessened. I can see where, at a year in, my days were an equal mix. As we've come through these last four years- I have had less and less of those bad days. I am thankful the Lord has grown and shaped my heart, and moulded me into a stronger person.

This week I had the opportunity to share our Lila's story with yet another person suffering from loss and hurt. We randomly had a woman stop on the road in front of our home (we live in the middle of nowhere) She was traveling (on foot from far away) and she was "thinking of giving up her religion." She said she had experienced large amounts of grief in her life and she was angry. Lila's short life has brought us many opportunities to share the truth about Heaven with people we've only just met. We were able to share with her the truth that religion isn't what gets you to Heaven- it's your honest relationship with the Lord.

I am so thankful for our little girl.
I consider all of this part of the grief/joy exchange.

Maddie and I started a small tradition in memory of Lila.. it's quite simple really- we pour glitter on her grave stone. It sparkles in the sun and is absolutely gorgeous. It reminds us of the sparkle she added to our lives while she was here.

Our New Addition

noreply@blogger.com (Raychel) — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 19:58:00 +0000

This is Brennyn and he is the newest addition to our household (OK country mom). He was born on June 28th and has been an absolute blessing. He is a very good baby and I am praying that he stays that way!!

It is crazy the transformation that can take place from one child to the next. When I was blessed with Abigayl, I never once thought about SIDS. I was more concerned with autism. It is what is talked about in the media so it was the only real concern I had. After she passed and Rowynn came along, all I could think about was SIDS. To this day, I am thankful for my obgyn making the judgment call to bring in a pediatrician that set us up with the apnea monitor. I don't think I would have survived Rowynn's infancy without that machine.

With Brennyn, we have the apnea monitor but we rarely use it. I find myself at peace with knowing God is in control and Brennyn will be okay.

For all of you mommies that have recently lost your sweet baby or those of you who have been on the journey for months or years, it will eventually get "easier". I have been walking this road for three years and through there are days I don't feel my heart will survive, there are many more days that I am full of joy. Not only joy from Abigayl's brothers but, joy that lies in the memories I have of my beautiful daughter.

Hello There

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 20:16:00 +0000

I hope this post finds all the mommies doing well.

Things are going well here, we are still fostering the sweet little baby they brought to us in March. Today is the four month mark since he came through our door. I have lots of mixed feelings about the foster system. I also have lots of mixed feelings when people talk to me about adoption. After our Lila Grace went to Heaven we considered whether or not to adopt. We are still leaving it an open option for the future, but for now we are just not ready. This particular child has been awaiting reunification- but it is starting to look like it may take longer than expected based on the parents recent behavior and choices. I can't even begin to explain how hard it is to see a child be neglected by it's parents when you've lost one of your own. I don't know what is going through their minds, but I have tried to explain to them the depth of pain I experienced with losing our baby. They say they can't imagine and don't want to try, and at the same time they don't do what's necessary to get their son back. I have to accept that my loss doesn't always affect others the way I'd want it to. I'd like to know that everyone who hears Lila's story is suddenly aware of how precious human life is- but unfortunately- it's not always that way.

If you would pray for us, we would greatly appreciate it. This little guy could use prayers concerning his future and who his forever family will be.

Thanks for stopping by to check in and for praying.

Also- Huge praise!! Raychel (country mom from Oklahoma) Just had a baby boy! He is absolutely adorable, just like his big brother and his big sister in Heaven. Congratulations, Raych!!

our foster baby- we call him muffin

Hard Day

noreply@blogger.com (Raychel) — Fri, 06 May 2011 21:11:00 +0000

We are just a few weeks away (May 23) from what would have been Abigayl's third birthday and the culmination of all the events this month has left me in a wake of drippy eyes and a vast amount of sadness.

I tend to wonder if the approach of these anniversaries and milestones will get any easier. It feels like I will be on a smooth road of how to deal with the loss and pain but, out of nowhere I hit a ginormous pot hole that pulls me in and makes me feel like I'm drowning in a sea of emotion. Thankfully, most of the time I am able to pull myself up after a short cry and continue on with my day. Today on the other hand, I feel as though the water is rising all around me and I can't seem to keep my head above water today.

I think my trigger today was walking by all of the adorable, frilly girl clothes and feeling so bummed that I am so limited in the boys department. It makes me miss the days when I had the sheer joy of getting to dress Abigayl up like my own little baby doll. Though I do enjoy getting to dress Rowynn up, the choices are far more limited than what girls have to chose from.

Stack on top of that the fact that mother's day is right around the corner and though I have the joy of my sweet little man, I also have a huge crevice in my heart where the memory of my sweet baby girl lies. It hits home that I never got to have her in my arms on a mother's day. If that isn't enough, Abigayl's birthday is quickly approaching and isn't helping matters.

I just pray that these types of days get easier.

Trying to Make Sense of it all..

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Mon, 02 May 2011 01:35:00 +0000

Hey there, Carrie here. Hope this post finds everyone doing alright. We're still fostering for the little guy who arrived in March. He's two months old now (we got him at nine days old). I have found that sometimes I get to thinking about our Lila Grace and how badly we wanted her in our family. Sometimes I just have to tell myself not to try to make sense of it all- there are these sweet little babies in foster care, and yet our baby is in Heaven. It's like playing the "what if game" in your mind. It's not worth it, and it hurts- but you still find yourself doing it from time to time. Losing a baby is so hard, I tried to explain the hurt to the mother of our foster child. She acted like she understood, but if I'd really reached her with our story, you'd think she'd never miss a visit or an opportunity to see her precious baby- but she does. There isn't a way to make sense of it... Only God knows the reasons. And until I get to Heaven, I have to keep on trusting that He knows what's best for me in this life..

Big hugs to all the other mommas going through the loss of a child.
Feel free to email if you need someone to talk to.

A Trip Away

noreply@blogger.com (Raychel) — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 19:39:00 +0000

At the beginning of this month we decided to take Rowynn on his last family trip that would be just the three of us. I know he is young, 14 months, but we thought it would be good for him to get to have a new experience before his baby brother arrives.

For our family trip, we headed to San Antonio to let him experience Sea World. We chose Sea World because he loves animals but we also chose Sea World because it is a special place for us. It is a place where we were able to find our smiles and connect after we experienced the biggest tragedy of our lives.

A couple of days after Abigayl's funeral, we decided that it would be best to get out of town for a few days. We didn't have a lot of money so we needed somewhere that was within driving distance. We had not been to Sea World and we knew we could make the drive in one day. It was a perfect fit.

While in San Antonio/Sea World, we were able to genuinely smile. We allowed ourselves to have fun but we also felt sad that Abigayl couldn't be there to see all the pretty animals. I think the best part of the trip was that it allowed Rusty and I a few days away from family, friends and the constant reminders of our sweet little girl. It gave us those few days to connect and talk. It is hard not to talk during a 12 hour car ride!

The point in all of this, take time together. You and your spouse need time to connect. Marriage is a fragile thing and the passing of a child can drive a deep wedge. The advice we got from the doctor at the hospital where Abigayl was taken has stuck with me, he said, "Lean on each other because it is so important that you do that now. Don't point blame. There is nothing that could have been done." I am blessed because since moment one when Rusty walked through our front door and saw the paramedics working on Abigayl, I told him I was so sorry and he told me that it wasn't my fault. He has never pointed blame at me, even when I blamed myself.

Heaven Is For Real

noreply@blogger.com (Raychel) — Sat, 16 Apr 2011 16:31:00 +0000

I just wanted to bring a wonderful book to the attention of all of the families that could use some comfort. One morning I was watching the Today show when they interviewed the Burpo family and shared their story about almost losing their son. The incredible part about their story is that their, then four year old, son started telling them about heaven and his visit from when he was sick.

I highly encourage you all to read the book, Heaven Is For Real by Todd Burpo with Lynn Vincent. It is heart warming, inspirational and brings so much hope. I have to admit that throughout the story I shed many tears. You will need a box of tissue for this one.

I just feel that as parents who have had our babies pass on, it is a book that allows us a small glimpse at where are babies are and the vast amount of love that they are surrounded by every day.

Yet another...

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Wed, 13 Apr 2011 19:30:00 +0000

....blog--- I (Carrie) am a total blog-a-holic. I find nothing more therapuetic than sharing and writing. If you'd like to follow our foster parenting journey, we're over here at http://foster-momma.blogspot.com/ amd would love it if you signed up as a follower on the page! I'll still be stopping in here from time to time to talk about life after loss, as will Raychel. Until then, I'm sending (((hugs))) to all our momma friends.

Another on the Way!

noreply@blogger.com (Raychel) — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 22:25:00 +0000

I know that I have been an absentee blogger over the past few months and I apologize. Having a fourteen month old keeps me on my toes. Plus I have started watching TWO five year old boys AND I am 27 weeks pregnant!! Let's just say that there is not a lot of spare time anymore! Even though, my goal is to be more consistent with blogging on here. Just because I have Rowynn, it doesn't mean that I don't deal with really hard days or moments in the day.

Today I have to make this one short. But, I wanted to send out an apology for my lack of writing and also say that I will be better at being a little more consistent.

I hope you have a wonderful week and know that my thoughts and prayers are with all of the families that have lost their precious baby. I know the pain you are going through and I am so sorry.

How We're Doing

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 12:17:00 +0000

I can't believe it's the last day of March, winter has finally (for the most part) come to an end. This month flew by in our home, mainly because of our newest little visitor. Our first foster placement came to us, at just nine days old. It has been challenging, yet wonderful having a baby added to our home. Running him to visitation every.single.day has been a drag, but I know it's very important to keep up the bond between mother and child, even when they are separated by child protective services. I've adjusted to getting up at night and making bottles- seems like just yesterday Jude was the baby in the house- it's hard to believe that he is now nearly two years old. On the hard days, when having a 6 yr old, 2 yr old and a newborn that is not my own gets to me, I just try to remind myself why we're doing this- and we have two very strong reasons- One being that God laid it on our heart to help children in whatever way we can- and two: Lila Grace. Lila inspires me to keep on going - when I have had only three hours of sleep, when I burned our supper, when I have to run the baby to visitation twice in one day and it is over 30 miles of driving that day, just to go home- turn around and do it again.... Lila is there in my heart, telling me I can do this. She inspired me to want to do something more with my life, to be a better mother/friend/wife.. I hate that we had to see her leave our home when she was just a baby, I hate that SIDS robs so many mothers of their precious children, but I LOVE that she lives on in me and continues to be a part of this family every day. It may seem to be a random tie, here in this post, but I want to share with other SIDS moms that it is OKAY to keep pushing forward, don't feel guilty. Having Jude and having foster children has really been great medicine for our broken hearts. You can never replace your precious child, but you can help your own heart by opening it to another child. And of course- you can imagine how much your heart can do for a child in need. Don't be afraid to try again for another child, don't be afraid to adopt/foster, God is right there with you and will guide you every step of the way. Hugs to all the other mommies out there.

Our Jude bug watching the baby suck his thumb.

From A Lullaby to Goodbye

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 16:08:00 +0000

It's finally here.. A book written by parents and grandparents who know exactly what it's like to lose a precious child. I am thankful I could share Lila's story here within these pages- and I can only hope that it will comfort others as they find themselves in the same shoes that we have worn. Help us bring this book to print sooner by supporting us with a purchase of the ebook. Visit www.lullabytogoodbye.com for more info.

Feb 1

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Sat, 05 Feb 2011 13:39:00 +0000

This past Tuesday marked three years since our precious Lila Grace went to Heaven.

When I heard the weather forecast was a blizzard and massive amounts of accumulation , it took me back to that night- three years ago -when it had been exactly the same. So much snow it took the ambulance 40 minutes to get to us. Somehow though, despite the painful reminder, we made it through the anniversary without a single tear. Our hearts are healing, and a lot of that has to do with our other children. I am thankful that God gave us the peace and trust to try again. I can't imagine what our life would have been like if we hadn't gone on to have our little Jude. Maddie and Jude are our precious little sweethearts.

It's been a hard week as all of us have been so sick, and to see the kids with high temps and sinus infections and to not be able to care for them myself has been difficult. I'm thankful my husband has been able to take some time off work and nurse us back to health.

Thank you for continuing to pray for our family and for supporting us. We love you.

Precious in His Sight.

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 15:51:00 +0000

Carrie here.

I honestly can't remember if I've posted this story before, but I wanted to be sure it was shared. It's an experience I had with an answered prayer. One that was so obvious it couldn't be denied.

When we were preparing for Lila's funeral, we had trouble deciding what to put on her stone. I was sitting in the car outside the cemetery caretaker's home (Josh was inside discussing details.) I was flipping through the bible looking for four words we could put on her stone. Engraving costs were by the word and four more was about all we could afford at the bottom.

I grew upset because I wanted God to allow me to "just turn to a page". It was such a difficult trial in my life, and I just wanted him to make something - anything- easy. I had little patience. It was then that I broke down in tears and prayed for help. I told him I'd wait for his answer. That was on a Monday afternoon. Later that night our bible study group came to our home to be with us and to pray. It was amazing that they'd even made it considering the conditions outside. The fog was thick, not the usual kind of fog, but so thick you could scarcely make out your own hand in front of your face. Along with their visit- they gave us another gift- a tangible one- a blanket from the church. I opened it up, it was a depiction of Jesus with a child, across the bottom it read: Precious in His Sight.

From that moment on, I did not doubt that God heard my prayers. It strengthened my prayer life in a way that I could not have accomplished on my own. God is great. When I get down and miss my daughter, I remind myself that she is precious and she's not only in His sight, She's in His arms!

And that was what we had engraved on her stone.

I send my love to all you other mommas who have children in Heaven. Keep pushing forward and rely on the Lord. He will light your path- no matter how dark. And He will hear your prayers, no matter how small.

A Merry Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 18:13:00 +0000

Hey there, long time no blog, I know.. In case you forgot who I am, allow me to reintroduce myself, I am Lila's Momma (Carrie). Sometimes this blog is a struggle for me. Blogging on it can bring me back to the past, a place I wish not to dwell, but at the same time I know there are other Mommas out there struggling at this very moment with wounds that are so much like my own that I want to be there for them, even if it does feel painful to come here sometimes. I remember surfing the Internet after her passing, searching for another human who had some inkling of what I was going through, someone to connect with. And that is what keeps me coming back here- even if it's not very often.

We had a Merry Christmas at our house, (despite the passing around of the stomach flu). One of the best little moments was seeing Jude (our little 18 monther) walk into the living room with Lila's blanket (the one we'd given her on her first and only Christmas with us) He plopped down on the floor and began rubbing his nose with her blankey (this is a habit he has that he comforts himself with) and just the fact that it was her blanket was enough to warm up my heart and make me feel closer to her. She is still with us in our hearts even though she's in the arms of Jesus.

Christmas Gift

noreply@blogger.com (Raychel) — Tue, 07 Dec 2010 22:02:00 +0000

Every year, as hard as it can be, we head out to Abigayl's spot to decorate for Christmas. The bright spot in the painful event was having the "help" of Rowynn this year.

Every year it hits that I have to come to a cemetery to decorate for my daughter. I am 28 years old and this is the third Christmas we have spent decorating her spot. Though the pain doesn't hit as often as it used to, every year when we go and decorate it is so painful. I never want that pain to stop me though. I find it so important to let her have her own Christmas decorations. Though it hurts, it still brings me joy that there is something small I can still do for her on the earth even though she can't be here with us.

One of my favorite things about taking Rowynn to visit Abigayl is the moments when he gets down and touches her plaque. I just wonder if he recognizes her face from all of the pictures we have around the house. My hope is that even though he never got to meet his big sister, he will always hold a special place in his heart for her. That he will always feel a connection. I just hope I can help him feel that bond.

On a much lighter note, Rusty and I are EXPECTING!! Yes, you read correctly. Even though we have a 10 month old we are gearing up for a new addition come July 5, 2011. As of right now I am 10 weeks. I'm ready for the first trimester exhaustion to subside so I can have the energy my son demands! We are really praying for a girl this time around. I know God will do what is best for us so I'm hoping that what is best is a little girl!

11-7-07

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Sun, 07 Nov 2010 02:25:00 +0000

Three years ago - our Lila Grace was born.

She was tiny, delicate and so very different from our other two children.

It truly amazes me that a person so tiny could have changed our world so much. I am so thankful to have had 86 days with her. She moved mountains with her tiny hands, mountains we'd constructed in our hearts. God sent her here on a mission, and her work only took three months to complete. I miss her dearly, but with each passing year the pain lessens. I stopped viewing the time as rapidly moving away from her, and realized it is rapidly moving toward her. Our time will come, we know not when, but we know it is coming. I have stopped viewing Heaven as something unknown and uncertain. I have studied God's clues to Heaven in the bible, and it is so much more than the myths I used to believe. I know I won't have wings, I won't turn into an angel, I'll be me, and we'll all be a big family, we won't stand around and sing all day with harps- we'll have a purpose, a life, an eternal life free of pain and suffering. It's going to be wonderful.

She's there waiting, and I don't fear death anymore. Death is merely the door opening to our eternal life. It is the beginning.

I hope and pray that my "beginning" in my eternal life begins with a giant hug from a sweet soul named Lila Grace, a smile on her face and a voice calling out, "Mom! I am so happy to see you, I've been waiting!"

www.lilabower.last-memories.com

Almost Two Years....

noreply@blogger.com (Raychel) — Wed, 22 Sep 2010 17:14:00 +0000

I just got off the phone with the floral department at the cemetery where our beautiful Abigayl has her spot. With the distraction of Rowynn, I don't cry as often as I used to. Especially now that my days are filled with feedings, diaper changes, LOTS of laundry, play time and following around a crawling seven month old.

But, days like today where I called to order flowers for Abi's vase, hit home the fact that I have a child in heaven. It is heart wrenching when I actually stop and take in the fact that Abigayl was here on this earth and not just a beautiful dream. I really did hold her in my arms, hear her giggle and enjoy so many wonderful days with her.

We are coming up on the anniversary of her two year angel day and it gets harder and harder as the day fast approaches. I keep trying to push it back so that I can get through all of my daily activities but when I ordered those flowers, it hit me like a tidal wave.

Though time makes it easier to get through the daily routine, our hearts forever miss our little angels and some days are harder than others.

Today, I am having one of those days.

I miss Abigayl every single day and think about her all the time. But I feel the pain on days like today when my focus is on a specific task for her.

September, October, November

noreply@blogger.com (carrie) — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 12:42:00 +0000

Us three mommas have angel anniversaries/birthdays coming up and would be grateful for your prayers for continued peace and comfort as we forge ahead.

September 30th is the 2 yr mark since Abigayl went to Heaven.

October 20th is the 3 yr mark since Ethan went to Heaven.

November 7th would have been Lila's 3rd birthday.

Thank you to everyone for your love, encouragement, support and prayers.

Hugs..