clarified confusion

Phoenix

2025-05-15T14:24:00.003-04:00

If it all falls apart

with each delicately tucked braid

Unraveling itself

wildness will come

Ours is the fear of disappearing comfort and security

That disappeared long ago

Ours is instability

Walking across a stream on a wet log

System upon system woven together in an unsustainable web

Each one propped up by the prior injustice

It will all unravel

When it all burns to the ground

It will be scary

Ours is the fear

Ours is the hope

In the bleakness of destruction

In the emptiness

The conditions for new life abound

We seek harmony

2024-03-21T22:36:00.002-04:00

i dreamt about you again
all night long
intimately
we never fully gave in
but it felt good
to sleep next to you
last night
since
i dreamt about you again

2/26/2010

i'm in love with you

2024-03-21T22:33:00.001-04:00

um, i think i'm in love with you
wtf
i'm in love with you?
it's impossible but i feel things
that don't go away
obsession? infatuation?
idk
idgi
i've thought about it forever
and after forever i forgot
then i saw you and i thought about it forever
so the cycle goes
for every moment of happiness
there's two weeks of emotional instability
and longing
there's an eternity of not knowing
for every minute of assuredness

and forever lasts a little longer than the time i'm awake
but i stay awake to live my dreams
because they involve you
and the real thing is better than waking up alone
again

anyways

love poems are overplayed
and cliche
and rote
and they've been done every which way
perhaps this is plain language
the absence of hyperbole
the opposite of a love poem
but it's about being in love
because i don't know what to call it
when i think about you for years
or forever
and then meet you on that day after forever
where we lay down entwined, complete
then wake and time-travel

it was the other night when forever
was about to end
that i held you closer than i ever thought
i wish we could trade emotions
like a shirt
so you could see how i fit
and save me explanations
you hate when you feel like this for a person
but it gets better every time
and practice makes perfect
so let's go pro

6/12/2011

two cowards in love

2024-03-21T22:16:00.001-04:00

a story of 2 cowards in love

twitter screen shots

facebook status updates

blog posts saved as drafts

4-11-2011

2024-03-21T22:11:00.000-04:00

i have never gazed into another human's eyes the way i drowned in yours
i have never drank so deeply of another's essence, never quivered to the point of ache that one would look back into me
i have never, ever, felt such relief and love and joy and sadness and sorrow and ecstasy as when you silently kissed my curling lips
i have never relived a moment so many times in so many ways with so much emotion
i have never loved so much for so long and so cowardly
i have never wanted anyone more

12/17/2013

2024-03-21T22:06:00.001-04:00

we search at length for a camp site. we have known it. all our lives.

in this moment, 10 years later, we could not find it.

we found it. we found the trail. home is truly this place. it was our collective home. and remains. the home of my childhood, the structure of happiness in my mind. this place where we all exist together harmoniously. 2014? camping

The lines

2024-03-21T22:05:00.000-04:00

I frown most of the day Face dead Brow furrowed Sitting alone in silence A keyboard warrior I long for more I long for freedom With choices comes commitment with commitment comes dedication my world has shrunk even as my universe has grown time is speeding up the choice is always live, and be living. or die

4/14/2011

2015-11-08T22:13:00.002-05:00

sun, shine on this lunar rock
warm it with your light
concentrate your rays until it beams a heavenly white

moon, reflect your glow on the earth
blanket the dark of night
with shadows of brilliance

love, meet my eyes in an infinite gaze
become the moon and sun on earth
take me with you when you blink
_________________________________________

have you seen the moon tonight?

could you see the way in which it illuminated

her face?

as that rock drifts by

the chalky gray outline of our bodiess

2015-11-08T22:05:00.001-05:00

bluish
the color of your You when you fall asleep
cool and smiling

i peered into your dream
replacing the fires with a calm yellow
your face broke
and you came to me

our dreams combined
and my arm surrounded you
in a soft purple glow

9/7/2011

2015-11-08T22:03:00.000-05:00

sat and listened for a while. absorbed the grand tragedy that was her early life. took it in. head expanding, head pounding, but nothing to what she had lived.

grasp for words of comfort, solace. memories selfishly flit by. distractions.

eyes locked. swirling irises channel.

2014

2015-11-08T21:58:00.001-05:00

my life is changing
maybe this is growing up
from now on
i am unapologetically me

"might as well be me
might as well be me"

12/17/14

2015-11-08T21:58:00.000-05:00

take full control
and responsibility
for your life and your situation

you are a beautiful soul, shining bright
your spirit is alive
you are thriving
you have come alive
the world needs you to come alive
and your rebirth, your awakening as an emotional and spiritual being
it is happening.

savor it.
12/17/14

2015-01-31T17:41:00.001-05:00

i exist in multitudes
i dream in patterns
the rhythm from within is a harmony

the sound of every drum
frames this universe

open your vibration
light carves into the void

sound creates heaven
the architects of new worlds

tonight is our night
build and delight

the stranger

2014-07-02T22:09:00.003-04:00

run with purpose
through the dark woods
sickly hot sticky sweat
salty mouth, salty skin, burning eyes
you're covered in your own nauseating musk
and you love it

an owl's cry echoes off the forest floor and back into the sky
stop, search, locate
eyes narrowing to slits
the owl flies overhead, illuminated in dusk's grey haze

continue on, into the night, deeper
the stone and dirt beckon you onward
the canopy a gate to be entered
the creek a playground for your wild spirit

at last,
the arrival to your holy place
many rocks collected and laid bare on your stone
this sanctuary has been visited
worship has occurred

meditate on your strength for a moment
you are a survivor
you have come so far
brave, strong, enduring

pick up the pieces,
a foundation, larger stones after larger stones
build a cairn to the stranger
who follows next

2014-05-29T13:05:00.001-04:00

some of the saddest words ever uttered

notes

2013-12-17T21:16:00.006-05:00

the words arranged on this paper cause me to imagine

i am in a headspace divorced from this time and this moment
i have traveled to your moment, imaginary and real
i recreate every letter that was born into existence by the flick of your pen

your hand did dance over this tree reformed
it's a wonder-full and complicated story
how do i come to know this piece of your mind
what made me so special
am i special at all

strange, these inanimate things, these objects
they carry so much meaning when touched by shapes we have agreed to understand
this communication that captures your emotions
your emotions for me
a whisper to my eye
a secret born in sense

an object charged with the electrical impulse of your brain
fuck, god, FUCK
my mind is continuously blown
it was your brain that created this symbol of feeling
and i feel it ...

i feel it

it pulses strong
it pulses stronger now

the words
feelings
imaginary and real

12/17/13

2013-12-13T14:29:00.004-05:00

a blank
young man
none assumes

and there
a story
in lines
beneath the eye

struggle solipsism

2013-12-03T18:57:00.001-05:00

and the question
the question
the question

what is the question

we all are searching
we are all searching?

am i searching for
some
thing

some

that cant be found
cant
cannot be found

are we all searching
struggling

are we hiding

is it just me
is it just me

2013-07-28T13:41:00.001-04:00

when you blow yr whistle, blow it loud

2013-07-25T10:35:00.001-04:00

cool breeze over the water. bow pointed not so meaningfully towards an unknown destination. passengers asleep in a euphoric haze.

connecting dots, the sum total of her existence. she's only awake. she only is waking. her awakening.

hours passing, sunrise. an interlude to the wandering, a prelude to the wondering.

the pool

2013-07-21T19:07:00.002-04:00

he waddled up to the diving board, looked over his kingdom, looked meaningfully to the horizon, then laid out a ball buster dive into 11 feet of water. a swan into flight. his launch was an ascension into the motherly water of our birth. she waited there for him, arms open, moving to receive him, reshaping around his form. jello.

the crowd cringed and held their breath. a watermelon rind held at mid-slurp, it's juices flooding a human's chin running into the sunscreen on her arms. a knife to carve dropped onto a toe that never noticed.

the 2 rotation flip in the summer of our present. her gaze never felt so near. your ability to epitomize the cool.

2013-07-20T14:05:00.001-04:00

today i woke up irritable and tired so i went to wal-mart to buy things to make me feel better. along the way i crushed a bug and it died with it's sticky matter frying on the pavement. i took a few minutes to study the guts and headed back the way i came.

miley cyrus' we can't stop started looping in my head and life felt meaningful and paralyzingly lonely as i walked through the empty strip mall of my youth.

REDEFINED

2013-05-02T19:48:00.001-04:00

Full sensory experience.

Quiet moments, sitting alone on my porch in the middle of a city, facing a peaceful park space with trees in full spring greenness. Birds chirping. The smell of new living punctuated by car emissions. Alone with my thoughts, regardless of a million distractions.

Happiness and contentedness mingling with sadness and the potential of failure. Realization of all that I can, all that I will, and all that can not and will not.

Stay. Go.

I wonder, I wander.

RUN AND BE MERRY: a brief meditation

2013-04-26T19:17:00.003-04:00

The past few months have been a trying time. I entered unemployment with no warning and little confidence. It's been a long and tough winter, especially since I was ready to quit that job anyways.

Still, it took me 3 months to gather up the pieces and get my confidence back. The last month has been amazing. Becoming completely in-step with who you are is so important. Why fake an interview when you can be completely yourself and at ease? I'm tired of trying to hide my past or parts of me to conform to whatever job I am applying for. This idea of doing whatever it takes to join the ranks is gone for me. I am a different person, a bit quirky, unique, but I am interesting, fluent with people of all types, and I truly care. Confidence isn't some kind of concrete thing that requires wearing a suit or acting a certain way, it's knowing yourself in and out, and deciding to be that person that you are. It's being present and not allowing the past to bog you down.

I interviewed for my dream job a month into unemployment and completely botched it, almost every aspect of it. I felt phony too, to the point where I downplayed all of my skills, experience, online presence, and personality. Now, it's different.

I ran in Rock Creek Park today, nothing but shoes and a pair of shorts, blazing up trails and down the sides of hills. I came to a bridge overlooking the rushing water with giant boulders strewn about. Seventy degrees, perfectly blue skies, sun on my skin. I meditated for a while. Ephemeral thoughts trickled in and out of my skull as the water cascaded and pooled.

I'm uncertain of the future. But I am happy. And I've been happy. I know what I want, and I am leading myself there, slowly, and surely.

2013

2013-03-11T18:27:00.001-04:00

A long road seems to be related to pensive passes of the pen
fear
fear
fear
hate