Clark Kent's Lunchbox

Second Thoughts. Tragic Lives.

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Fri, 18 May 2012 22:45:00 +0000

Many of you know my story. Corporate exec forced into the role of staying at home step dad, without the means to be near my own sons 1,300 miles away. That story is now over and a new one begins. I’m working full time again, and next week we make the big move only 13 minutes from boys. I’m overjoyed to say the least. Then why am I having second thoughts? Because of two other kids who are not mine: Chris and Katie.

I have written about them before, Katie, cute as a bashful flower, and Chris, a frustrated boy of 10. Their lives are miserable.

Katie is starved for attention from anyone, and Chris wants to know he’s a good kid. They both need to feel loved, and yet they are victims of their divorce parents own selfishness. The mother’s an alcoholic while the father reacts to every situation as anger--parents frustrated about their situations and too selfish to bother with their children.

I try not to be judgmental of other parents but then again the parents by talk with most are dads and moms whose worlds revolve around their children. They know about sacrifice and joy yet Chris and Katie’s parents know none of these things. They only know mistakes, mistakes they refuse to learn from.

The father is hooked up with a woman that isn’t allowed to see her own babies – something to do with a temper, the same temper that caused her to break an iPhone belonging to Chris and Katie’s father. “They fight a lot,” Chris told us a few nights ago over dinner. “That’s why I have my dad’s old phone. She smashed it.”

Chris goes on to tell how unsafe the apartments are where the girlfriend lives. “We jump in the bushes when cars drive by,” he explains. “A lot of kids get abducted there.” Whether this is true or not is immaterial because it’s true enough to him. There is a somberness in his tone that questions why this is the life he and his sister have to live.

The mother’s choices are worse. When we mentioned to Katie that we would be moving later in the year she announced, “Oh yeah we are moving too – with my mom’s new boyfriend.” My wife and asked if Katie liked the new boyfriend. Katie was quiet for a moment, then she shook her head no. “I don’t like the way he tickles me. He won’t stop when I tell him to.”

My wife and I exchanged nervous glances. It’s easy to jump to conclusions, but given everything else we’ve heard it doesn’t sound good.

The mom lives with her parents. Chis and Katie both say it’s a bad situation. “Mom fights with them all time.” When one of my stepdaughters said she saw blood in one of the rooms, that’s when we suggested everyone just play at our house.

At dinner I told my wife this might be the only place the Chris and Katie might feel safe to be kids. My wife agrees. We are both sad to be leaving Chris and Katie knowing the tragedies that statistically await them.

I am angered over it. I want to do something about it, but there are few options. I handed Chris a business card for my blog and told him to call me if he or his sister ever get in trouble. I don’t know what I can do from 1,300 miles away, but maybe there’s something.

Knowing that Chris and Katie’s story is not uncommon fills me with even more frustration. How people can be so selfish with their kids makes no sense to me. But it goes on.

I don’t blog much anymore – no time really. There’s work and family, this move, and a second book that dominated my time. Besides, I may have simply lost my stomach for it reading of some of the fishbowl pettiness. I don’t know.

But what I do know, though, is if I could save Chris and Katie by blogging and to give I would do it. And I would adopt them in heartbeat no questions asked. In fact I wish my blog, which is named for a superhero, really had the superpowers to rescue every kid out there like.

Clark Kent’s Lunchbox has served me and my family well as. It has taken us many places, and in one sense, it has even brought me to my boys. But I wish to God it could do something dramatic for Chris and Katie. I wish it could hug them and love them the way they both need to be, that it could pull them out of their sad circumstances and fly them off to a happy life. That it could protect long enough for them to rediscover their innocence. But blogs don’t do that. Only people can. Hence my second thoughts over their tragic lives.

THE AMERICAN BOY - Teddy Roosevelt

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Thu, 10 May 2012 00:39:00 +0000

THE AMERICAN BOY

-Theodore Roosevelt

PUBLISHED IN "ST. NICHOLAS," MAY, 1900

OF course what we have a right to expect of the American boy is that he shall turn out to be a good American man. Now, the chances are strong that he won't be much of a man unless he is a good deal of a boy. He must not be a coward or a weakling, a bully, a shirk, or a prig. He must work hard and play hard. He must be clean-minded and clean-lived, and able to hold his own under all circumstances and against all comers. It is only on these conditions that he will grow into the kind of American man of whom America can be really proud.

There are always in life countless tendencies for good and for evil, and each succeeding generation sees some of these tendencies strengthened and some weakened; nor is it by any means always, alas! that the tendencies for evil are weakened and those for good strengthened. But during the last few decades there certainly have been some notable changes for good in boy life. The great growth in the love of athletic sports, for instance, while fraught with danger if it becomes one-sided and unhealthy, has beyond all question had an excellent effect in increased manliness.

Forty or fifty years ago the writer on American morals was sure to deplore the effeminacy and luxury of young Americans who were born of rich parents. The boy who was well off then, especially in the big Eastern cities, lived too luxuriously, took to billiards as his chief innocent recreation, and felt small shame in his inability to take part in rough pastimes and field-sports. Nowadays, whatever other faults the son of rich parents may tend to develop, he is at least forced by the opinion of all his associates of his own age to bear himself well in manly exercises and to develop his body—and therefore, to a certain extent, his character—in the rough sports which call for pluck, endurance, and physical address.

Of course boys who live under such fortunate conditions that they have to do either a good deal of outdoor work or a good deal of what might be called natural outdoor play do not need this athletic development. In the Civil War the soldiers who came from the prairie and the backwoods and the rugged farms where stumps still dotted the clearings, and who had learned to ride in their infancy, to shoot as soon as they could handle a rifle, and to camp out whenever they got the chance, were better fitted for military work than any set of mere school or college athletes could possibly be. Moreover, to mis-estimate athletics is equally bad whether their importance is magnified or minimized. The Greeks were famous athletes, and as long as their athletic training had a normal place in their lives, it was a good thing. But it was a very bad thing when they kept up their athletic games while letting the stern qualities of soldiership and statesmanship sink into disuse. Some of the younger readers of this book will certainly sometime read the famous letters of the younger Pliny, a Roman who wrote, with what seems to us a curiously modern touch, in the first century of the present era. His correspondence with the Emperor Trajan is particularly interesting; and not the least noteworthy thing in it is the tone of contempt with which he speaks of the Greek athletic sports, treating them as the diversions of an unwarlike people which it was safe to encourage in order to keep the Greeks from turning into anything formidable. So at one time the Persian kings had to forbid polo, because soldiers neglected their proper duties for the fascinations of the game.

We cannot expect the best work from soldiers who have carried to an unhealthy extreme the sports and pastimes which would be healthy if indulged in with moderation, and have neglected to learn as they should the business of their profession. A soldier needs to know how to shoot and take cover and shift for himself—not to box or play foot-ball. There is, of course, always the risk of thus mistaking means for ends. Fox-hunting is a first-class sport; but one of the most absurd things in real life is to note the bated breath with which certain excellent fox-hunters, otherwise of quite healthy minds, speak of this admirable but not over-important pastime. They tend to make it almost as much of a fetish as, in the last century, the French and German nobles made the chase of the stag, when they carried hunting and game-preserving to a point which was ruinous to the national life. Fox-hunting is very good as a pastime, but it is about as poor a business as can be followed by any man of intelligence. Certain writers about it are fond of quoting the anecdote of a fox-hunter who, in the days of the English civil war, was discovered pursuing his favorite sport just before a great battle between the Cavaliers and the Puritans, and right between their lines as they came together.

These writers apparently consider it a merit in this man that when his country was in a death-grapple, instead of taking arms and hurrying to the defense of the cause he believed right, he should placidly have gone about his usual sports. Of course, in reality the chief serious use of fox-hunting is to encourage manliness and vigor, and to keep men hardy, so that at need they can show themselves fit to take part in work or strife for their native land. When a man so far confuses ends and means as to think that fox-hunting, or polo, or foot-ball, or whatever else the sport may be, is to be itself taken as the end, instead of as the mere means of preparation to do work that counts when the time arises, when the occasion calls—why, that man had better abandon sport altogether.

No boy can afford to neglect his work, and with a boy work, as a rule, means study. Of course there are occasionally brilliant successes in life where the man has been worthless as a student when a boy. To take these exceptions as examples would be as unsafe as it would be to advocate blindness because some blind men have won undying honor by triumphing over their physical infirmity and accomplishing great results in the world. I am no advocate of senseless and excessive cramming in studies, but a boy should work, and should work hard, at his lessons—in the first place, for the sake of what he will learn, and in the next place, for the sake of the effect upon his own character of resolutely settling down to learn it. Shiftlessness, slackness, indifference in studying, are almost certain to mean inability to get on in other walks of life. Of course, as a boy grows older it is a good thing if he can shape his studies in the direction toward which he has a natural bent; but whether he can do this or not, he must put his whole heart into them. I do not believe in mischief-doing in school hours, or in the kind of animal spirits that results in making bad scholars; and I believe that those boys who take part in rough, hard play outside of school will not find any need for horse-play in school. While they study they should study just as hard as they play foot-ball in a match game. It is wise to obey the homely old adage, "Work while you work; play while you play."

A boy needs both physical and moral courage. Neither can take the place of the other. When boys become men they will find out that there are some soldiers very brave in the field who have proved timid and worthless as politicians, and some politicians who show an entire readiness to take chances and assume responsibilities in civil affairs, but who lack the fighting edge when opposed to physical danger. In each case, with soldiers and politicians alike, there is but half a virtue. The possession of the courage of the soldier does not excuse the lack of courage in the statesman and, even less does the possession of the courage of the statesman excuse shrinking on the field of battle. Now, this is all just as true of boys. A coward who will take a blow without returning it is a contemptible creature; but, after all, he is hardly as contemptible as the boy who dares not stand up for what he deems right against the sneers of his companions who are themselves wrong. Ridicule is one of the favorite weapons of wickedness, and it is sometimes incomprehensible how good and brave boys will be influenced for evil by the jeers of associates who have no one quality that calls for respect, but who affect to laugh at the very traits which ought to be peculiarly the cause for pride.

There is no need to be a prig. There is no need for a boy to preach about his own good conduct and virtue. If he does he will make himself offensive and ridiculous. But there is urgent need that he should practise decency; that he should be clean and straight, honest and truthful, gentle and tender, as well as brave. If he can once get to a proper understanding of things, he will have a far more hearty contempt for the boy who has begun a course of feeble dissipation, or who is untruthful, or mean, or dishonest, or cruel, than this boy and his fellows can possibly, in return, feel for him. The very fact that the boy should be manly and able to hold his own, that he should be ashamed to submit to bullying without instant retaliation, should, in return, make him abhor any form of bullying, cruelty, or brutality.

There are two delightful books, Thomas Hughes's "Tom Brown at Rugby," and Aldrich's "Story of a Bad Boy," which I hope every boy still reads; and I think American boys will always feel more in sympathy with Aldrich's story, because there is in it none of the fagging, and the bullying which goes with fagging, the account of which, and the acceptance of which, always puzzle an American admirer of Tom Brown.

There is the same contrast between two stories of Kipling's. One, called "Captains Courageous," describes in the liveliest way just what a boy should be and do. The hero is painted in the beginning as the spoiled, over-indulged child of wealthy parents, of a type which we do sometimes unfortunately see, and then which there exist few things more objectionable on the face of the broad earth. This boy is afterward thrown on his own resources, amid wholesome surroundings, and is forced to work hard among boys and men who are real boys and real men doing real work. The effect is invaluable. On the other hand, if one wishes to find types of boys to be avoided with utter dislike, one will find them in another story by Kipling, called "Stalky & Co.," a story which ought never to have been written, for there is hardly a single form of meanness which it does not seem to extol, or of school mismanagement which it does not seem to applaud. Bullies do not make brave men; and boys or men of foul life cannot become good citizens, good Americans, until they change; and even after the change scars will be left on their souls.

The boy can best become a good man by being a good boy—not a goody-goody boy, but just a plain good boy. I do not mean that he must love only the negative virtues; I mean he must love the positive virtues also. "Good," in the largest sense, should include whatever is fine, straightforward, clean, brave, and manly. The best boys I know—the best men I know—are good at their studies or their business, fearless and stalwart, hated and feared by all that is wicked and depraved, incapable of submitting to wrong-doing, and equally incapable of being aught but tender to the weak and helpless. A healthy-minded boy should feel hearty contempt for the coward, and even more hearty indignation for the boy who bullies girls or small boys, or tortures animals. One prime reason for abhorring cowards is because every good boy should have it in him to thrash the objectionable boy as the need arises.

Of course the effect that a thoroughly manly, thoroughly straight and upright boy can have upon the companions of his own age, and upon those who are younger, is incalculable. If he is not thoroughly manly, then they will not respect him, and his good qualities will count for but little; while, of course, if he is mean, cruel, or wicked, then his physical strength and force of mind merely make him so much the more objectionable a member of society. He cannot do good work if he is not strong and does not try with his whole heart and soul to count in any contest; and his strength will be a curse to himself and to everyone else if he does not have thorough command over himself and over his own evil passions, and if he does not use his strength on the side of decency, justice, and fair dealing.

In short, in life, as in a foot-ball game, the principle to follow is: Hit the line hard; don't foul and don't shirk, but hit the line hard!

Hey Dad Bloggers

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 15:32:00 +0000

Hey dad bloggers, just dropping everyone a line about the Dad 2.0 Summit coming up March 8-10 in Austin. There's already over 100 people registered to go which means this is going to be a well-attended event with a lot of opportunities available for doing some networking, getting your name out there, and meeting brands like LEGO and Johnson & Johnson.

Also, at the moment, there are meetup events planned in various part of the country prior to the conference. The are the ones currently schedule (Houston's is coming up in a few weeks):

* Austin: February 1, The Cedar Door

* Chicago: February 15, Johnny O’Hagan's

* Atlanta: February 9

Wondering what the event will be like? Check out this great video by the crew at Dad Labs.

And if your looking to cut costs or have some special circumstances, get in contact with the organizers for help and questions.

If you're wondering what the value in going to one of these conferences is, particularly if you're hoping to take your blog to a professional level, then know that attending events like this this are what will make you stand out.

Would You Tell Your Children That You Used Drugs?

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 16:00:00 +0000

I’m going to make a confession here that few people know about: I’ve used illegal drugs. For a little over a year after my divorce I took X-stasy and smoked marijuana. That’s right, not in high school or in college, but as an adult.

Go ahead and judge me. This is the internet, which, among its many benefits, is the freedom to condemn others anonymously in the comments section. If you feel so compelled, have at it; just know I won’t care. It was dumb, I know. I’m not going to waste time justifying it, and that’s not exactly the point of this post anyway.

The question I’ve had to ask myself rather, is whether I will admit to my children that I once used illegal drugs. There are pros and cons to this of course, which boil down to... continue reading.

The History of Fatherhood in the United States

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 14:02:00 +0000

After yesterday’s post about Roman Krznaric’s essay on the history of the men as fathers, I decided to do a little research on my own; being a self-professed history nerd, I didn’t require much arm-twisting to do so either. Unlike Krznaric’s broader worldwide focus, I decided to hone in on just the progression of fatherhood in the United States, and what I discovered was surprising.

Most of us are familiar with the major events in history—the colonization of early America, the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, World War 2, and so on. What many of us may have not considered, however, was the part these events played in shaping the image and expectation we have of fathers today, which, when looked at through a lens of the past 300-plus years in its entirety, is slightly off in my opinion.

What’s more, when looking through that lens, keep in mind that many of the perceptions we’ve had of family dynamics throughout history are incorrect or only half-truths. For example, the idea of colonial fathers being an austere, unfeeling, authoritarian ordained by God isn’t entirely accurate. Did religious dogma dictate that the man was to be the head of the household? Yes, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t warm and unloving. We only see it as being so because such an arrangement seem archaic and stifling within the context of our contemporary society—a society that has morphed over three centuries at the hands of ever shifting socio-economic conditions and world-changing events beyond our control.

To get a true picture of this progression of fatherhood through time, there was no way I could fit everything into ten slides; thus the presentation is split into two parts (and even then it’s still probably not enough).

Slideshow 1: Fatherhood in the US: 1700's to 1900's

Slideshow 2: Fatherhood in the US: 1900's to Today

12 Month Plan for Dads To Prepare for the Apocalypse

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 14:53:00 +0000

Well, this is supposed to be the year the Mayan calendar runs out and the whole world’s supposed to go KABLAMO! Whatever. Personally I don’t think it’s going to happen, but I can’t say the same for my family. Last week my stepdaughter got in the van and started running down all the things that are supposed to happen. By the way she was listing them off I could tell what her source material for this was.

“Where did you find all this out?” I asked.

“I was watching TV with Grandma,” she replied.

Exactly what I thought. But then it occurred to me that all of this might be plausible. As a father I’d feel pretty stupid standing in the cul de sac watching fire and brimstone rain down from heaven come December 31st. So maybe putting a plan together might not be such a bad idea after all. I think what I finally came up with is pretty tight.

Worse Than a Non-Believer: Dad-Moms Are An Abomination to God

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 15:36:00 +0000

As I mentioned in my last post, I’m not done with the whole Dad-Mom topic. In reading the various posts on Tide’s depiction of a stay-at-home dad being “awesome,” I came across the religious take on the topic played out in a point, counter-point debate between Owen Strachan, a professor of theology and church history at Boyce College, and Laura Ortberg Turner, an admissions counselor at Fuller Theological Seminary.

The discussion was a lively one, as you can imagine. To Strachan, the dad-mom, represented yet another of society’s attempts to pervert Bible’s stringent rules dictating who should and shouldn’t be laundering the frilly dresses and folding them with complete accuracy. In response, Turner contested this citing cultural context and scriptural misinterpretation before then mentioning the actions of Jesus that lead her to believe the Son of God wouldn’t be adverse to domestic duties. Read more about why God hates at-home-dads

What the Hell is a "Dad Mom" Exactly?

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 14:30:00 +0000

Good Morning America recently did a segment on stay-at-home dads (SAHD) and society’s changing perceptions of men in this role. Overall I thought it presented the topic in a positive slant as opposed to reports in previous years where SAHD’s were more of an oddity and in many cases, simply victims of circumstance.

What’s ironic for those who have been plugged to the SAHD community for a while, is that this gig as the full-time parent isn’t quite the phenomena it’s sometimes made out to be. Just read Jeremy Adam Smith’s, The Daddy Shift, or follow the NYC Dads Group, or chat with the bunch at AtHomeDad.org.

Continue reading about the "dad mom"

Work Life Balance is a Myth

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 12:40:00 +0000

The concept of Work/Life balance is as elusive as the mythical Fountain of Youth. It’s more of an ebb-and-flow-type deal where you bounce back and forth from a storm of work overload to the aimless doldrums of domestic boredom. It’s the extremes of yin and yang with no Zen-like middle ground—well, for me anyway. I know there are those of you who seem to processes an unholy mastery over these circumstances, but in my eyes, that just makes you the spawn Franklin Covey and Satan.

This is a big struggle for me at the moment. Up until a few months ago, I had the freedom to balance freelance work, family duties, and personal interests. Things got a little wacky here and there, but all in all it evened out. I could knock out a few assignments, put the dishes away, help the girls with their homework, and even fit in some recreational reading. Now, however, I eat all my meals in office, I have no idea what the kids’ grades are, and I’ve nearly gone into septic shock on three occasions because I didn’t want to ... continue reading

Father Versus Stepfather: Like Jordan and Bird

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 16:00:00 +0000

Spending some quality one-on-one time with the kids has been long overdue, and so, last week, I took my oldest stepdaughter out for coffee where we could chat about whatever over peppermint mochas and cinnamon coffee cake. Each of my stepdaughters are non-stop chatterboxes, but if you had to determine which is the fastest, Stepdaughter #1 would be the photo-finish winner. Not only does she zoom along at a mile-a-minute, but she also changes topics with the same fluid maneuverability as an Italian sports car weaving in and out of traffic.

“I can’t believe I’m over 5 feet tall. Did you know that my dad is 6 foot, 3?”

I actually am aware of this. I see her dad weekly, that and she’s told me a million times. With Stepdaughter #1, even though the subject matter may vary, she more often than not will tie it in some way to her father. ...Continue Reading

The Ron Swanson Guide to Raising Boys

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 15:03:00 +0000

Behold. The Man, Ron Swanson.

Ron Swanson from NBC’s Parks and Recreation, might be the most brilliant character on TV in my humble, expert opinion. I want to be him. My wife is convinced that within a few years I will completed my transformation in becoming Ron Swanson incarnate, mustache and all. Besides already sharing the same first name, we both hate big government, enjoy high-protein meals, and think wood sailing ships are beautiful.

Swanson maxims on life are swift and simple. “The Swanson Pyramid of Greatness” is a work of a genius that addresses a wide array of important subjects like, for example, fashion attire (“Shorts over 6” are capri pants. Shorts under 6” are European.”). Such straightforward ideology also extends to the area of preparing sons for manhood.

Here are but a few Swanson-isms I plan on instilling in my sons.

Ending the Affair Between Santa and His Greatest Lover

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 12:43:00 +0000

The foggy cold weather made my tongue sizzle. The smell of the eggnog and cookies filled the air. As I walked in the living room I saw a mountain of presents. It was finally Christmas. Therefore, I felt as if I were Santa’s biggest lover! The End.

Adorable right? My stepdaughter wrote that after making her Christmas list last weekend. She firmly believes that Santa Claus, the elves, the reindeer—all of it actually exists. To her they are every bit as real as the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. She’s also 9.

Two nights ago I killed the affair between Santa and his biggest lover. Shattered it like a fragile tree ornament hitting the cold hard floor of reality. I had just handed the girls their dinner, when she said that the kids in her class were making fun of her for believing in Santa.

We’ve had a lot of problems with the little punk-asses in Stepdaughter 1’s class. Last year it took exactly 1.5 seconds for us to call a meeting with the administration after I caught her trying to smuggle a knife to school. She planned on using to defend herself against several boys who were touching her where no one should be touching any girl. There have been other issues too. ...continue reading.

20 Toys Kids Won't See This Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 17:30:00 +0000

Every Christmas is seems there are more and more toys for children to ask for. When I was a kid, it was all Lincoln Logs and Tinker Toys. Now everything needs batteries or requires some sort of Internet hook up. What’s more, toy makers think they need to tie children’s play things into social issues and current event. What happened to using your imagination and just being a kid? Good grief, Charlie Brown.

All that aside, there are 20 toys out there that I’m fairly certain kids won’t find under their trees this Christmas. Here are the first 10, and these are the remaining 10.

Is Newt Gingrich Wrong About Why Kids Are Lazy?

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 14:00:00 +0000

Presidential Candidate Newt Gingrich thinks poor kids are lazy and child labor laws are dumb. This controversial opinion is, of course, bereft of facts, but that’s Newt Gingrich’s schtick–provocation through outlandish remarks. His claim here is based in part on the premise that these children lack adult role models to teach them what it means to work.

Statistically this could be debunked using Census Bureau data showing that 3 out of 4 working adults (18 – 34) considered to be poor have one or more jobs and another 25% work part-time. The data also indicates that 50% of children living in extremely poor homes have at least one working parent in the household. The numbers, I suppose, could be debated all day, yet Gingrich raises an interesting question about our children’s work ethic.

At age 12 I started working in one of the feed mills my father owned, and by my early teens this became a full-time summer job. It was hard physical labor, and my dad, to his credit, didn’t cut me any slack as the “boss’s kid” either. I may have resented my father being tough on me, but in hindsight, it was one of the best lessons he ever taught me. Without that, who knows where I’d be.

In response to Gingrich’s statements, Geraldo Rivera (yes, that Geraldo) echoes this same sentiment about fathers teaching ...continue reading.

If You Don't Follow the Rules, Don't Expect Your Kids to Either

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 14:21:00 +0000

This year our school district announced that it would no longer provide bus services to students who lived within a 1 mile radius of the school—budget cuts. With only one vehicle, this put us in an inconvenient position. My wife would now have to tack on an extra few hours to her day catching a series of buses to and from work, while I keep the minivan just so I could use if for couple short trips to get the kids.

By no means were we the only ones dealing with the inconvenience, which meant there would be a substantial increase in the amount of car-rider traffic. The administration anticipated this, but despite their best efforts, holy frijoles, what a mess! It looked like the parking lot at Reliant Stadium after a Texans game let out. Cars everywhere–all doing their own thing, all ignoring the teachers’ direction, and students darting ... continue reading.

14 Reasons Why My Kids Are Smarter Than Congress

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 17:00:00 +0000

In a Huffington Post article, it was reported that Congress’s approval rating was now lower than porn, polygamy, and the BP oil spill. This shouldn’t come as any surprise, given our elected official’s track record. You think that that Senators and House Representatives would be a smart, savvy bunch given what’s been entrusted to them, but sadly, that’s not the case. In fact, if Congress and my kids were to engage in an intelligence contest, my kids would have to take out their brains to make sure it was a fair fight. Here’s 14 reasons why:

Type A Parenting Doesn't Mean Being an A-Hole

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 17:00:00 +0000

Not too long ago I had an interesting experience when a Wall Street Journal columnist asked if she could interview me for a piece she was doing on Type A parents raising Type B children. Intrigued by the topic, I agreed to her request. I hadn’t really thought about how my Type A traits impacted this aspect of my life, which as a stay-at-home dad, dominates a considerable chuck of my day.

The interview, I thought, went well. The columnist, Sue Shellenbarger, was sincere, and her questions caused me to reflect on both my failures and successes as influenced by my Type A-ness. There were moments when I was too harsh and not as understanding as I should’ve been, but there were also times when I adapted to the situation rather than forcing ... continue reading

But I Don't Want to be a Mommy!

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:00:00 +0000

There’s been a whole lot of talk about dads of late—stay-at-home dads, out of work dads, marketing to dads, dads being more involved, and of course, dad bloggers. We’re the hot topic it would seem. Someone even made a remark to me that dads are the new moms. Yeah? Well don’t lump me in that group. I don’t want to be a mommy.

Sure, the cultural landscape has shifted for families partly as a result of the economic downturn and partly due to changing attitudes about fatherhood. In fact, this is something I understand this on a very personal level, seen as how I lost my job and ended up becoming a stay-at-home dad (SAHD). Even so, just because my wife and I flip-flopped roles, that doesn’t mean I handed in my ... continue reading

Milwaukee's Ad Campaign Obviously Judgmental of Co-Sleeping Parents

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 14:00:00 +0000

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin—This week a storm of controversy erupted over a co-sleeping campaign by the City of Milwaukee’s Health Department’s use of ads depicting infants on their stomachs sleeping next to a butcher knife. According to the Department’s website, the awareness campaign is intended to reduce the number of infant death due to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), and Sudden Unexplained Death in infancy (SUDI) which in Milwaukee accounts for 20% of infant deaths, most of which are caused from unsafe sleep environments.

The campaign took a negative turn, however, after ... continue reading

Fans and Their Moms Celebrate End to Bieber Paternity Suit

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:00:00 +0000

LOS ANEGLES, California—Across the country, tween girls and their moms are rejoicing over last week’s news that Mariah Yeater had dropper her paternity suit against pop star Justin Bieber. Yeater withdrew her lawsuit after text messages on her phone revealed the possibility that someone other than Bieber fathered Yeater’s 4-month-old Tristyn Anthony Markhouse Yeater whose lengthy name may yield clues as to the father’s actual identity.

“We’re so thrilled,” said 12 year-old Katie Winthrop of Irvine, California. “We knew it wasn’t true!”

“Never say never,” added Winthrop’s mom, Ashley. “Unless it’s a paternity suit.”

A small but dedicated group of fans in Bismarck, North Dakota were ... continue reading

Texas Governor May Have Addiction to HPV Vaccine

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 14:00:00 +0000

AUSTIN, Texas—A former staffer working for Governor Rick Perry’s election campaign is claiming the presidential hopeful regularly injects himself with the HPV Vaccine. In a phone interview with TMZ, the campaign worker, who wished to remain anonymous, told the reputable news agency that they had witnessed Governor Perry using syringes filled with the HPV vaccine, also known as Gardasil, on numerous occasions.

Asked to comment on the allegations of chronic HPV vaccine use, Governor Perry issued a statement denouncing the claim as being “absolutely false.” However, sources close to the election staff did confirm that... continue reading

Researchers Predict Duggers Will Rank Second to China in Population by 2029

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 22:00:00 +0000

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas—Sociologists at the University of Southern Texas of Plano predicted that the Duggar family will have the world’s second highest population by the year 2029 making it second only to China. The study comes after Michelle Duggar recently announced on the TODAY Show that she is pregnant with her twentieth child.

The USToP’s research looked at births, deaths, related legislation, and likely disaster scenarios, to include a large meteor impacting fifty miles outside of... continue reading

Fathers Seek Therapy After George Clooney Deemed Likely To Be a Bad Dad

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 15:34:00 +0000

NEW YORK CITY, New York—Therapists across the country have reported an increase in the number of fathers suffering from Sudden Identity Crisis Syndrome, or SICS, after remarks claiming actor, George Clooney, would probably be a lousy dad. “I haven’t seen this many Clooney-related SICS cases since Batman and Robin,” remarked Michael Clayton, a New York City therapist thought to be the country’s leading SICS expert. “I’ve had to bring in additional staff to handle the overflow.”

Clooney’s paternal prowess was called into question by... continue reading

Glee National Competition: Of Course They Win. We Didn't Watch This Show for 3 Years to Watch Them Lose

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 00:11:00 +0000

So here’s what you missed on Glee: The New Directions are headed to New York City for Nationals thanks to Puck who stole a garbage truck to break Brittany out of rehab, to keep Santana from being chased by bounty hunters, talk Artie out of being in a street gang, and help Quinn pass Driver’s Ed. But his plan couldn’t bring Mike back to life after dying by electrocution. Meanwhile, Rachel finds her voice again as well as Finn who had locked himself in a closet. Kurt knows how to rock plaid pants and a newsboy cap, while Coach Sylvester says mean things to Mr. Schuester, and, once again, Mercedes and Tina are doing something minor as fill-ins to the cast so they have an even number of cast members. And that’s what you missed on Glee.

Opening Scene: A bus and a garbage truck roll up in front of some theater in New York City, and the Glee Club members all pile out of the vehicles.

Finn: Gee, it’s so …big.

Brittany: That’s what she said.

Santana: Seriously? Why would you say that, Brittany? I thought you liked girls?

Brittany: I do. And I like puppies.

Kurt: Well, you can betchyour Argyle socks this puppy’s going to be one tough competition.

Quinn: Nice plaid pants and hat. Is that what they call a newsboy cap.

Kurt: Why yes it is and thank you for noticing.

Santana: The 1920’s called, and it wants its wardrobe back.

Kurt: Hello, the, uh …the—well I don’t know who called but they left a message asking if you have any other clothes besides that cheerleading uniform. The polyester must be fused to your skin after wearing it for three years.

Rachel: Guys, guys. Stop it. Here we are at Nationals—the biggest achievement of our lives, the final moment before those of us who are seniors will graduate and the writers will take us off the show except for cameo appearances when the ratings are low, and here we are fighting. We’re supposed to be a team.

Finn: Yeah, Rachel’s right guys. We’re gonna get written off the show and make cameo appearances. Also, we’re a team.

Tina: I just wish Mike could be here with us.

Mike: What are you talking about? I’m standing right behind you.

Everyone turns around and looks astonished. Then Mr. Schuester walks around the bus as starts heading for the entrance to the concert hall.

Mr. Schuester: Come on guys. *sniff* We need to get inside and register.

Mercedes: Mr. Schuester, are you okay? You look upset.

Mr. Schuester: No *sniff* I’m fine. [starts crying as he runs into the building]

Artie: He was on the phone with Coach Sylvester. She made fun of his hair, and then he just cracked.

Rachel: I bet if we win that will cheer Mr. Schuester up.

Kurt: And totally validate his existence in life.

Rachel: And that too.

Finn: So if we don’t win…

Puck: Mr. Schue is probably headed for the loony bin.

Mercedes: We’d better get inside

The Glee Club starts to head inside when a piano from four stories up falls right where Mike was standing.

Mike: Wow! Guess I’m just a lucky guy.

* * *

Next Scene: Inside the theater. The Glee Club is behind the stage waiting to take their places as soon as the next school finishes their routine.

Kurt: Artie, what’s the matter? You look more nervous that the rest of us.

Artie: I can’t go out there.

Finn: Why Dude? Don’t tell me you’re getting stage fright now after three years of performing and then all that time in a boy band before auditioning for Glee.

Artie: No. It’s not that. It’s… well, one of the leaders from a rival street gang is out there and he’s going to shoot me on sight.

Santana: That’s not a gang leader—that’s my Uncle, or something.

Brittany: I’m really hungry. Does anyone have a cat?

Puck: You know who’s hungry? Children all over America.

Quinn: Not now, Puck. Gawwwd. You have the worst timing.

Rachel: Stop nagging him, Quinn.

Mercedes: Stop telling us what to do, diva girl!

Finn: Guys, guys—

Kurt: Oh stuff it step-brother-who-only-became-my-step-brother-because-of-a-plot-gimmick-last-year- when-the-ratings-were-horrible.

Finn: No you stuff—

Fight erupts behind stage. Then Mr. Schuester walks up.

Mr. Schuester: Guys, what’s going on? I mean here you are the last chance to sing before half of you get written off the show and we get a bunch of newbies and hope that they are good enough to carry Glee for one more season, and you’re out here fighting like a bunch of school kids. This is it guys. The end of the road, and some of you might end up going back to Broadway, but the rest of you—what do you have? A cameo appearance next year, a lot of commercials if your agent’s any good, maybe even a minor part in a Tyler Perry movie? Right now, you don’t have anything other than this moment on a primetime television program that ends with this series finale.

Finn: Gosh, we’re sorry Mr. Schuester.

Brittany: Yeah, we don’t want to see you in a mental ward.

Mr. Schuester: I don’t want to see you there either, after you find out the only job you’ll ever be able to get is selling cosmetics at Macy’s after this little run on television.

Puck: Mr. Schue, can I say something?

Mr. Schuester: What is it Puck?

Puck: Well, as you all know, I am the cool spokesman for the Child Hunger Ends Here Campaign, and since this is the last you’ll ever hear from me, I am pleeeeeeading with you to get our school signed up for a chance to win that $10,000 grant. There’s lots the school could do, like a canned food drive or just collecting UPC code from select ConAgra brands. There are tons of needy kids out there who don’t know where their next meal is even coming from. It really doesn’t take much.

Mr. Schuester: Puck, I don’t know what’s gotten into you but would you please get out there and sing? The rest of the Glee club started singing the opening number 2 minutes ago.

Puck: Right, Mr. Schue. I’m on it!

…and the New Directions went on to win Nationals, just like everyone expected them to do for the past three years. And while most of them never got steady work as actors ever again, they all lived happily ever after …except Mickey because, oh my gawd, those bastards had him fall off the stage and break his neck.

* * *

Editor’s Note: Although the above content is a parody of the TV show Glee, the intent is to keep readers engaged as opposed to hearing a public service announcement. Child hunger in a America is much more serious than people realize, and you can help ConAgra, Feeding America, and Schools Fight Hunger simply by asking your school to sign up. We hope that you will. Thanks.

Army Strong Stories: Airborne. All The Way Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Clark Kent's Lunchbox) — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 12:22:00 +0000

The following is Part 2 in a series recounting a recent visit to the Army's Airborne Training School at Ft. Benning, Georgia. You can read Part 1HERE.

Army Strong Stories: The Swing Landing Trainer

SSG Webb

At the headquarters building of the 1-507th Parachute Infantry Regiment, the unit responsible for the Airborne School, we joined Richy Rosado, our PAO contact who then gave us a quick briefing on the Regiment’s history. Rosado, himself was and 10 year Army veteran, having served in both the Ranger Regiment and Special Forces, details revealed after it was mentioned that not only was I jump qualified, but also that my father served in Special Forces during Vietnam.

Prior to this Rosado and I did what all soldiers typically do when meeting someone for the first time—size the other up until we’re convinced of their legitimacy. It's something of a reflex. From day one, you'er trained to depend on the soldier to your right and left, and naturally you want to know if those standing with you are the real deal. Common history and shared experiences can speed that assessment up, although my long, unruly hair and unshaven face probably didn’t make the best initial impression.

The same drill was repeated upon being introduced several minutes later to Staff Sergeant Webb who had been assigned to escort us around. SSG Webb’s ruddy complexion said he spent a lot of time outdoors, and his solid frame filled out the ACU’s (Army Combat Uniform) he was wearing. The firm handshake confirmed his level of fitness.

Note to self: Do more push-ups.

DC 3 used in WW2 and Beyond

From here, SSG Webb walked us up an asphalted track past the Airborne Walk memorial, which is flanked on either side by a DC-3 and C-119, airplanes relics used by paratroopers in the 40’s, 50’s and 60’s. Along the way, SSG Webb pointed out the various training apparatuses lining Eubanks Field. He spoke in that official tone professional soldier use when talking to civilians until someone mentioned that I was Airborne qualified.

“Oh. You know the drill then,” he said in a suddenly less formal tone, and his face loosened in relief, realizing he didn’t have to explain everything to the same level of detail. The reaction, however, made me feel guilty for not saying anything earlier. I didn’t want to be that obnoxious guy who’s all “been there, done that.” Yet by the same token, one of the biggest annoyances to enlisted soldiers is wasting their time. Officers--the smart ones--try to avoid doing this. Having been both sides of this fence--enlisted and officer--this is the last thing I wanted to do during my visit.

“When did you go through, sir?” SSG Webb asked.

I had to think a moment. “97,” I replied. Fourteen years? It's been that long already?

The four of us chatted for a few moments when a truck rolled up, and out stepped a man who I, at first, mistook for one of the school’s cadre until he introduced himself as Rick Jones, a contractor from California. Jones’s association with the Airborne School is an interesting one. The president of R.J. Manufacturing, a company specializing in producing ropes, Jones was contacted by the Army to develop a long-lasting rope to replace those used on a device at the Airborne School known as the Swing Landing Trainer (SLT).

Watch the Swing Landing Trainer in Action

Jones explains his redesigns to the SLT

The SLT is a contraption I'm familiar with to put it mildly. Its purpose is to simulate the final moments prior to performing a Parachute Landing Fall (PLF). Students stand on a platform roughly ten feet high where they are fitted with a harness that, in my time, was suspended by a set of four ropes hanging from a set of pulleys. Four students on the ground would pull those ropes tight as you jumped off the platform and swung in the air until the class instructor gave the command, at which point the students would release the ropes, thus allowing you to execute a picture-perfect PLF.

The problem with the SLT, though, was that with the thousands of students going through training, the ropes tended to wear out quickly, and the Army turned to Jones for help with something more durable. Jones did the Army one better. After studying the problem, Jones redesigned the entire apparatus by affixing the harness to the four corners of an H-shaped, metal frame suspended by a cable looped through a ceiling-mounted pulley and then run back down to a release lever operated by the instructor.

This may not sound like much, but considering the savings in maintenance costs Jones provided the Army, that money can be applied elsewhere. What’s more, as opposed to the arbitrary heights a student would be dropped from on the old SLT, the new configuration drops students from a consistent height, which has resulted in fewer injury-related withdrawals, particularly among females.

The imposing 250 ft Towers

What immediately strikes you about Jones is his passion for, not only this project, but for the Army as well. His excitement in detailing the finite aspects of the SLT’s engineering, is hard to miss.

“I do have a business to run,” Jones said. “But if I could, I think I’d do this for nothing.”

His assertion is believable considering Jones could’ve provided the Army with new ropes and then charged them for replacements over time. As the company’s owner, he could easily send someone to Ft. Benning to check the SLT’s equipment. Instead, he makes the trips himself, and often helps out with other projects when he’s in town. Later that day he would be climbing to the top of the 250ft tower to assist with a maintenance check. Climbing 250 feet up some metal frame-like structure when technically you don’t have to, demonstrates dedication …in an extreme way.

Next Week: Airborne 5000 and the 34 ft Tower

* * *

To read more about today's soldiers, check out Army Strong Stories, blog posts actually written by the men and women serving in the United States Army.

It's still Movember everyone, please help me as I raise funds for finding a cure to prostate cancer while also growing silly facial hair to prove my dedication. Yes, that's right, I'm asking you to donate a few bucks to the cause. Remember, the ass you save may be your own.

Disclaimer: In accordance with FTC regulations, it is necessary for me to disclose that the Army paid for my travel, lodging, and meal expenses during my trip to Fort Benning, Georgia.