Clary Diary

PWD ako. Orthopedic disability...

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Sun, 12 Jan 2025 14:45:00 +0000

Long post ahead, but I hope I've touched your lives in one way or another.

I haven't talked about this before. Only my closest friends know about it, not even all of my relatives.

PWD ako. Orthopedic disability.
I was diagnosed with Lumbar Radiculopathy, a herniated disc problem that could progress over time. The doctor warned me that there will come a time when I’ll be bedridden, and I won’t be able to control my bowel movements. I’ll pee and poop in bed, half-dead, and I won’t know when this might happen. I didn’t speak about this before. Aside from not wanting to be a burden, I didn’t want to dwell on it because I knew it would drain my strength.

I was diagnosed in 2017. Therapy and medication couldn’t help anymore. Believe me, I tried everything, but surgery is the only solution. I need to prepare 500k, and that’s just for the hospital bill alone, not to mention the professional fees for the two teams of doctors, since it would be a major operation. I suffered from severe depression and anxiety for I don’t remember how long. If it weren’t for the realization that I still have kids who depend on me and for all the friends who encouraged me that I still have life to live, I wouldn’t have been able to force myself to get up. That was enough reason to fight and search for anything that might work.

I consulted with different orthopedic doctors. I underwent various rehab approaches, but nothing changed. I even had chiropractic treatment that cost 4k per session and required two sessions a week, which put me into a 6-digit debt that I dealt with alone. The pain decreased, but it didn’t bring about a major change.

Aside from needing a large amount of money, I’m too scared to take the risk because the chances are 50-50. It’s the spine, and all nerves are connected to the brain.
There’s a chance that after the operation, I might not be able to walk again or, worse, I might not wake up at all. It could get better, but it could also get worse.

Over the years since my diagnosis, I’ve spoken to different doctors, and it all boils down to “there’s a 50-50 chance.” It’s hit or miss.

I decided not to undergo spine surgery because most of them told me, “Yes, it’s possible that after the operation, instead of being able to walk, you might never walk again. It is a risk to take, especially in the Philippines.”

I’ve been in pain for almost a decade now, but I’d like to believe that it’s still manageable, although getting worse is inevitable. My disc problem is leading to another onset of scoliosis and damaging another section of my spine.

There are good days, and there are bad days. There were times when my back pain was unbearable. I’ve had moments where a sudden burning sensation in my feet felt like stepping on a hot iron plate, and I had to search for a cold tile to ease the feeling. I’ve felt numbness in my feet and legs, creeping up my spine. There were instances when my legs would suddenly weaken, and I had to grab onto something to avoid falling. There were nights when extreme leg cramps woke me up in the middle of a sound sleep.

It is not easy to live in pain; it’s devastating. But I have to accept it and get used to it to keep going in life.

Maybe the universe saw that my burden was already too heavy, and that’s why it decided to lighten my load by removing people who only made things worse.

The day I decided to get up and face the world again, I came to many realizations.
I still have a life to live. I still have the chance to look at the broad blue sky, feel the breeze on my face, hear the calming sound of the waves, taste different kinds of food, see places I’ve never been, experience new things that make me feel alive, and, most importantly, feel the warm embrace of the few people who love me sincerely.

I chose to appreciate all the good things left after the violent storm. This same storm took away a number of people close to my heart who I thought would stand by me through thick and thin, but I was wrong. They walked away one by one, leaving a deep wound and a lasting scar.
I saw it as a blessing in disguise, realizing it was one of God’s ways of showing me who would choose to stay even when I wasn’t at my best.

Don’t pity me. Just hear me out and understand that my life is not always rainbows and butterflies, as you might see on my social media. I am sharing this because I know I’m not the only one facing such challenging situations right now. I hope somehow I’ve inspired you and made you realize that we have to continue living. We need to get up for the people who still believe in us, appreciate what’s left, leave the things behind that no longer serve us, and walk away from situations that threaten our peace of mind. Stop wasting energy trying to force something that isn’t meant to be.

I am trying to live. I have to give myself what is long overdue.

You Are Invincible, Queen! Happy International Women's Month.

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Thu, 24 Mar 2022 17:25:00 +0000

Don't look at the surface. There is more to that.

There's more to this apparently friendly, cheerful, and strong woman than meets the eye. She handles almost everything on her own. There are times when she feels that the world is on her shoulders but she always choose to endure it without passing the burden to anybody else. She trained herself to put the "happy mask" on when she has to face the world outside because she knew that everybody around her is sticking their nose into her life waiting for her downfall. She wouldn't give that kind of satisfaction to them. She trained herself to find positivity amidst every negative situation. She tries to find solution instead of playing the whining and blaming game. And what's good about her? She's happy seeing other people happy. She loves to be surrounded by happy people who she thinks will help her uplift her spirit. She got betrayed so many times by the people she trusted too much, by the people she shared her secrets with but stabbed her behind her back, but her forgiving heart never gets tired to understand. She would still lend her helping hand, with open arms, to everyone, without exception, including those who have her own blood on their hands. She strongly believes in the power of kindness. It could change lives. Nobody ever really knows how much anyone else is hurting. Everyone we meet is fighting a battle we know nothing about. So if you are one of those silently fighting your own battles, you are invincible. Celebrate your strength. 

There is nothing stronger than a woman who rebuilt herself after falling apart. 

Happy International Women's Month to all the women out there who are doing their best to heal from things they do not discuss. You are invincible. 

Post Birthday Self Reflection

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Tue, 27 Aug 2019 14:29:00 +0000

It has been 25 days after my birthday and as usual, adulthood has eaten me alive. I saw a post from a page asking "What would you like to tell to your younger self?"
Instead of answering this long to the comment section, I decided to blog about it. Here it goes:

Dear Younger Self,

You should’ve finish your studies instead of engaging to premarital sex at the age of 16 and got pregnant at 18. Keep your promises to your parents no matter how hard it takes because you’re gonna feel guilty about it. Though you wouldn’t regret having 3 kids in the future, but you’re going to wish for a better and more comfortable life with a bigger house of your own, emergency money in the bank and an SUV. So, you gotta be thrifty.

Spend your teenage years by trying a lot of adventures with your friends instead of working like a dog at an early age of 15. Well, I know the universe didn’t give you any choice.
Anyways, expect yourself to be one badass woman when you grow older. You’ll be a smart, resourceful, aggressive, hardworking, confident and independent woman in the future who do not depend on anyone else for your happiness. I guarantee you, you’d be proud of yourself.

P.S.
Go out. Try clubbing or whatever you call it during your time. Because you’re going to long for a night life in your late 30’s but you would feel awkward.

Unfortunately, you can never turn back the time, but you’ll still find yourself attractive that people will either like you or hate you. The thing is, you won’t even care. You will continue smiling to the world and the world will smile back at you. 💕

Love,
Your Older Self.

I do not aim to blend. I wished to be remembered.

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Sun, 13 Jan 2019 08:45:00 +0000

I am not the type of person who exerts effort and try to blend in because I know what I want and I know who I am. I just want to be okay with everybody. And okay means no exceptions, no pressure, no demands, no negativity, no dramas. Chill, cheerful and steady. I only wish to be valued, to be appreciated, and to always be remembered by the people that I Iaughed with and spent special moments with, through good times and bad times. Because if you would get a chance to know me better and be closer to me, you would know how much I value people. You’ll see and feel my sincerity.

I’ve got a very few trusted friends whom I never get a chance to spend time with as much as I want to simply because we already have our own priorities but whenever I need them, they are always one chat away. Though I know I can manage to be alone and most of the time I opted to be alone and be independent, I still want people to remember me at happy times. How I’ve touched their lives and how I made them smile. ❤️

Xoxo,
Imperfect, crazy me.

candid shots during a marshmallow eating game

Let's Get It Started

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Mon, 07 Jan 2019 07:23:00 +0000

First in 2019. Yes, I’ve got plans, I have a few wishes, but I completely surrender eveything to Him. I know I don’t have the power to make everything possible and all of the things in my favor. I just have to trust His plans, and his will, however it may be. I just want Him to walk beside me and remind me constantly that I can, that I am strong enough to get through it. 🙏

2019 Planner from Mercury Drug

Encourage Kind Behavior

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Wed, 24 Oct 2018 11:28:00 +0000

When can I accept the reality that there will be kids who will look at my son with special needs, and whisper at each other then giggle? I know they are still kids but I hope that there will also be parents who would have the initiative to teach their children the awareness and compassion, kindness, patience and understanding towards kids with special needs, with visible disability or not, because there will always be kids like Joaqui in our society, whether at the malls, in school, at the church, at the grocery especially in your neighborhood who has parents that will get hurt and deeply pained when their kids are being laughed at. Let us teach our children to learn the value of special friendships. Let us encourage kind behavior. It is never too early to teach our children about being nice at all times. They may not yet verbalize it, but they can understand it. I don't want to see any more special needs children being laughed at and bullied by other children. I’m a mom, and this scenario is heartbreaking every time. 💔

This is a photo of Joaqui with his little brother Miguel and cousins Lhian and Peter. These two are well taught by their parents about Joaqui’s condition and I have never seen them looked at Joaqui differently nor laughed at him. I am so proud and grateful to have them as my nephew and niece who understand what kindness is at an early age. I hope and pray that all of his other cousins and children in the neighborhood will be the same. ❤️
#SpreadAwareness
#BeKind
#TeachCompassion
#NoToDiscrimination
#YesToInclusion
#StopBullying

12 Years of God's Grace

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Wed, 24 Oct 2018 11:02:00 +0000

An 8-months premature baby boy who weighs more than 1 kilo, too small and thin, the rib cage are visible that nobody has the courage to carry you except me, who was in and out of the hospital and endured the pain from hundreds of needle inserts, is now going to a regular school and is continuing to make us proud and amazed by how you’re taking baby steps to be able to catch up with your peers. I hope you’d understand that you don’t have to be exactly like them, I just want you to live happy and independently. You alone is a miracle when I almost give up and had fears back then that God will take you away from us. But you turned out to be a living proof that God will never give me more than I can handle and I believe that He will continue to guide us and provide for us as we take this journey hand in hand. I pray every night that the Lord will bless you with kind-hearted people who will look after you, protect you and love you when Mama and Papa are not around. Sounds morbid but I always ask God to make a promise that when the time comes that I really must go, I beg him to please take you with me. I do not want to leave you behind. Otherwise, I will never be at peace. But for now, I will only cling to my faith, that He will continue to make me brave and strong as long as you need me, and no matter what happens, I will never give up. Thank you for making us better persons, for bringing out the best in us, for making us better parents and for strengthening our faith.

Happy 12th Birthday Joaqui! Mama and Papa will never get tired of loving you, unconditionally.

My Mornings With Joaqui

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Tue, 09 Oct 2018 10:59:00 +0000

Most of our mornings, before going to school, Joaqui has this mood swings caused by petty things. He gets easily annoyed whether it is about his breakfast, or his baon that he doesn't like, or when his school service hasn't arrived yet because he really hates waiting, or when one of his pencils is missing. One minute he's jolly, another minute he's cranky. This is something that I have to deal with a lot of patience and understanding every morning.

There are times when I wish I know how to clone myself. To produce another me who is taking orders and answering messages on line who also does the editing and printing, another one who is in-charge of all the household chores, another one who runs errands, and another one to attend to children's needs all at the same time. Unfortunately, it isn't possible. Only me, myself, and I have to do those things simultaneously especially in the morning when preparing my kids for school. When things get rough, when I'm not in the proper state of mind, or not feeling well, or bothered by something, I snap like other typical moms do. But when I snap, there's usually tears in my eyes because I hate being angry, especially to Joaqui. I always have this feeling that I shouldn't be angry at him, I should not scold him. But whatever the situation may be, I am still a mom. I should instill proper manners and values to my kids with or without special needs. I should teach him the difference between right and wrong. I should be firm when it comes to discipline because he needs to learn. And it has to start from me, from his parents. I still have the guilt feeling, but part of parental duties is we must cultivate them to be able to learn self-discipline and responsibility. Let your yes be yes, and your no be no. Unconditional love also means to endure the pain in your heart when you're trying to discipline them as long as you aim to raise good children.

One Manic and Tragic Monday

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 07:45:00 +0000

Today marks my first month and 19th day since the motorcycle accident. I’ve had 21 surgical staples and 13 stitches on my left foot that underwent surgical debridement.

Life is unpredictable. We’ll never know what’s gonna happen next. Anything can change in a blink of an eye, in a snap of a finger. Our lives can turn upside down in a millisecond. Ironic at times. Full of surprises. Expect the unexpected.

3 days before the accident :(

Monday, 5am. I received a text message from Joaqui’s school service that he will not be able to fetch Joaqui for 2 weeks because he’s sick.

Okay, I’m doomed. I didn’t anticipate this since I’ve been caught up with loads of household works, my printing deadline, the demands in spreads, not to mention that my youngest Miguel is acting up in school and he doesn’t want me to leave. I also have a spine problem so I wasn’t allowed to carry anything heavy and has been told to avoid long walks.

I’m spending a couple of hours every week practicing to learn how to ride a motorcycle for a few weeks already and with my husband’s guidance, I’m doing great sabi nya. In a scale of 1 to 10, I am at 6 and I was really determined to get better and better everyday.

I decided to pursue to ride the motorcycle on my own because it would be more convenient for us especially now that I need to send and fetch Joaqui to and from school. I think I can, I’ve got a strong feeling that I can do it.

November 20, 2017. Monday, 12:30pm. I tried to drive around the village on my own, without my husband on my back. I know I need to learn and I know I can. Okay, I am over-confident at times and I’ve got this attitude that if I really want something, I’ll do anything to get it. Go getter.

It is my first time to ride a motorcycle on my own. I’m wearing this half proud half nervous smile when I get the keys, get my phone, and start the engine. On the first 10 seconds of driving, I only got one thing in mind. I need to be good at it, I need to learn, because Joaqui needs me. This is gonna be the most convenient mode of transportation for the two of us.

Two minutes away from the house, my nervousness escalated because there is a kid playing at the middle of the road, running back and forth. I stopped, hit the horn and he stepped aside. I trusted my gut feeling that the kid wouldn't run again, I grabbed the hand grip, and accelerated. Just a millisecond, the kid started to run toward my direction again. I got scared that I might hit him so my first instinct is to turn left where there is a parked tricycle. Everything happened so fast. My motorcycle hit the back of the side car where my left foot scraped on a hard metal part of the tricycle. I got off-balanced and fell down. I didn’t feel any kind of pain at the moment. All I can feel is the heavy motorcycle on top of my left leg.

I couldn’t stand up, I couldn’t take the motorcycle off my feet. Nobody tried to get near me inspite of the few people around who saw the accident. My first instinct is to get my phone and call my husband. I’m shaking but I managed to call him and tell him what happened. I wasn’t aware that my foot looks that worse till I was able to have a glance on it after the call. What I saw are bones. A scraped foot, too deep that my bones are actually visible. I suddenly felt dizzy. My head feels heavy. A couple of minutes later, two people came to me and carry me to the side of the road. Then a bunch of curious people came trying to calm me down.

I know. 😢

It was just 2 minutes away from our house. 💔

My husband is half walking half running, pale, catching his breath. Looked at me with a nervous eyes but didn’t touch me. It seems like he didn’t know what to do. After looking at my foot, he suddenly told me to wait, he’ll go back to get some clothes and money.

Somebody called a Barangay vehicle and brought me to the nearest hospital.

Nov. 20, 2017. 2pm

I wasn’t aware that my foot looks that horrible until I get a closer look when the doctor removed the improvised bandage that someone put before bringing me to the hospital. I was speechless. Teary-eyed, nervous, anxious. If I can only take back 2 minutes of my time, I wouldn’t dare to get the keys and leave home. No matter how I tried to convince myself that I’m only dreaming, I couldn’t. This is happening. This is actually happening.

few hours before the surgery

2 weeks after the surgery

After the operation, I stayed for 4 days at the hospital. Those 4 days felt like 4 months away from home. I’ve got nothing in mind but the kids. I couldn't eat, I coudn't sleep. I was just crying the whole time while wishing it's only a dream. I know it's gonna be harder for us when I got home because everything's on us. But I’ve got only one wish. I really wanted to go home and see my kids.

This is the biggest challenge that life has given me before my 2017 ends.

Justice League Movie Date ☺

And I carried it through on the first month of 2018. Hopefully, I’d be able to get a normal walk again next month. 95% loading.😂 Konting konti na lang.☺ I learned my lesson the hard way. Wether it is to listen to the husband when he said NO, or do not be too confident to drive a vehicle on my own.😉

Everyday Battle Against the Cruel World

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Thu, 09 Nov 2017 11:45:00 +0000

A child with special needs often attracts attention from the public. We always notice a side look, a stare of humiliation or whispers when they think we're not looking. I sometimes pick up a fight especially when we're in a public transportation. My husband said, "let's try to get use to it. Ganun talaga." But no, I don't think I would ever get used to it.

Sometimes it gives me a lot of stress because it affects my mood. I get easily annoyed when their glance become a stare that lasted for more than 5 seconds. What more if I caught them talking inside their hands while looking at my son. I don't like to think what I'll probably do.

Joaqui looks like just a normal kid at first glance. His invisible disability gets noticed when he started to speak. He is speech delayed. He is already eleven years old but he talks like a four-year old boy. He sometimes get cranky when it's hot in the jeepney or when it's cramped. He will shout "Ouch! Wala ng upuan!" Then he starts to draw attention. Some people shrug it off, while others will look at him puzzled. Some people will stare, sometimes in disgust. That's the time when a mother's heart is triggered, almost like a bomb is about to explode when you see a silent judgment in a form of scrutiny. Most of the time, I can't help but speak with an evident anger tone in my voice.

A friend told me, "we cannot change the world, but we can change ourselves." She has special needs twins older than my son. What I'm dealing with is just half of what she has dealt. I admire her a lot. She's an epitome of a strong special needs mom considering that she has two. She inspires me a lot, letting me think that I can also do whatever she has done because I only have one, and she has a twin.

To this day, everyday is a battle. A battle that I believe winning is just a bonus. It's more of living each day one at a time. Feeling like a battle field, against the cruelty of the world, protecting the innocence of my son, fighting for his rights to inclusion, battle against discrimination while ensuring his happiness and safety. It is a tough battle. A battle that leaves scars in the hearts of the Lord's bravest soldiers. ❤

Love Without Conditions, No Matter Where Life Takes You.

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Mon, 16 Oct 2017 14:07:00 +0000

There were good days and bad days. Times of celebration and frustration. Tears of joy and tears of sorrow. My life as a special needs mom is like a roller coster ride, exciting yet fulfilling, over flowing with emotions. Sometimes I feel like I'm hiking the most difficult terrain, not like most of the normal moms usually do. Looking around, I've got a lot of why's and how's, puzzled by who to blame or will I ever have to blame somebody for feeling like this? There were nights that I feel angry and disappointed at myself, mad at myself for being mad, frustrated at myself for being frustrated. There were nights when I don't know what to feel anymore, half numb and half oppressed by reality. There were moments when I feel like I am not enough, that what I do are still not enough, that whatever I do will never be enough. In times like this, I know, I'm certain, that I need to help myself. There will never be anyone who can make me feel good about myself but just me. I'll try my best to assert things, to have a clear vision in a parallel dimension. To convince myself that I'm doing great, that what I do is absolutely right. I know I just need to breathe and deal with things minute after minute, hour after hour, day by day. I'm not going to lie. It is not easy. It takes a brave heart, a clear mind, and a strong faith to be able to live in a way like everybody does. To live an almost normal life beyond imperfections and think that it could have been worse, but it's not.

Again, I'm making a promise to myself that I'll keep on holding on, I'll keep clinging to my faith, and I'll keep going, all out of love, without conditions. ❤

It's Okay, Let it Out

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Mon, 29 May 2017 14:45:00 +0000

It's been a while since I last visited my virtual friend. Today might have been too heavy to bear alone so here I am, saying... "Hi, it's been a while."

I have trust issues. Maybe because I was betrayed for several times already. I also do not know if being a person who can easily read emotions is an advantage or disadvantage for being doubtful at times. Or maybe because having lots of judgmental, backstabber and untrustworthy people around made me uncomfortable of showing my emotions too easily.

I have a few friends. Too few that my fingers on one hand is too much. It is because I couldn't tolerate having two-faced people in my life. My friends are usually my enemy at first meeting, or a person that I do not like at first glance, or the person that annoyed me before and eventually became one of my best friends. I think it is because we're alike and that we all have strong personality and too upfront. In other words, often misunderstood.

I never loved neighborhood. I do not like other people meddling with my personal life, my decisions and every bits of actions that they see. From the way I dress to the time I came home, there will always be prying eyes that greet me as soon as I step out of the gate.

There will always be judgmental people. They are everywhere.

Some people think I'm living an easy life. That my world revolves around wandering, spending on things that I do not need and having fun. They do not know how hard it is to juggle my responsibilities with my two hands. I am an independent person. My happiness do not rely on other people. I provide for my needs and as much as possible, I do not like to disturb other people. I do not like the feeling of being helpless. I hate asking favors. There is only one reason. Upbraid. There are people who are so good in counting, counting the things that they have done for you and mightily throw it back to your face.

I encountered one this morning.

Who made us feel like my kids are like cats hugging their feet that they really wanted to kick aside. Every single nerve in my body had shaken, every drop of my blood reached the boiling point when I heard that person yelled at my three-year old son just because he's disturbing him.

My kids are not just random kids who played around their backyard. What makes it harder to digest is because we're family. Blood related.

I couldn't help myself but to put down the dishes and run towards that person, grabbed my little one back and let all my clenched-for-a-long-time emotions out. I suddenly saw myself bursting to tears while shouting with my lungs out. I felt like all the negative feelings, exhaustion, angst, including self-pity run through my veins and transformed me into a dangerous beast. A furious mother beast.

This is what I fear most about myself. My angst are uncontrollable. I am poor in holding my anger back. But that moment, I never regret everything I said. It felt like it was such a relief, to let it all out.

After everything that happened, I felt lighter. I went inside the room, turned the lights off, sat down and breathe. Utter a little prayer and get back to my kids.

Sometimes, it is good to let all your emotions out and let other people know how you really feel. It is the only way to find your inner peace.

It's okay to cry. We don't have to act tough all the time. ❤

One Scary Night for a Mom like me

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Sun, 18 Dec 2016 09:58:00 +0000

I thought it was just one of those ordinary tiring days.

Household chores and being a mom to three boys and a small entrepreneur myself have keeping me drained and exhausted most of the time. My day starts at 4am to cook for my eldest who is now in Grade 11, then attend to Joaqui's needs, send him to school at 8:30am, then the rest of my days would be spent in numerous household chores and taking care of my small business.

Every single day is mostly tiring for me. I get a little time for myself at night when the kids are all asleep, normally at around 11pm. It only means I'd be able to do the things that I wanted to do if I would stay up late which I don't have a choice if I need to do something without disturbance. I sometimes get a short nap in the afternoon whenever I had a chance. But overall, I'm lacking of rest and sleep.

That week has been unusual for me. I noticed that I feel weak and get tired so easily even brushing my teeth feels so tiring that I want to sit down immediately after. I always feel dizzy and weak. I also feel this numb, tickling sensation on my palm and cheeks. I have been feeling those symptoms for more than a week already and tried to ignore them thinking that it is still bearable and that it is just over fatigue.

I over estimated my body, kept on ignoring what i feel until one night, everything seems leading to something dangerous already. My difficulty of breathing persists even though I'm just lying on the couch, well rested. The numbness on my palm rising up through my neck and cheeks up to my head. I started to feel scared when I felt the palpitation in my heart and I began to panic.

I suddenly thought about my children, especially Joaqui. I know, no one can take good care of them and love them as much as I do. Hundreds of questions hit me all in one time. Worries had eaten me up, full of anxiety. I forced myself to get up but got dizzy and went back on the couch. I told myself, I need to think straight. I shouldn't give up. I searched for my phone, texted my husband who just arrived at work. I told my eldest to call his Tito (my bro-in-law). I then was brought to the hospital immediately.

All the necessary tests were done. From lab tests to ECG. Everything appeared to be normal except for my low potassium count. I was advised to stay at the hospital but I refused thinking about my kids at home. I was asked to sign a waiver and got discharged.

I also went to a Cardiologist the day after to make sure what really happened. Another tests were done but falls to the same cause.

I eat a lot. I eat on time because I am the type of person who doesn't care about my figure (though really blessed to have fast metabolism) but eating is one of my favorite things to do. I don't like the feeling of being hungry. I eat whatever I want. I just don't eat veggies. I love meat and sweets. I do not want to deprive myself from eating. In fact, I spend a lot with food than clothes.

I just hate to exercise. I do not enjoy any physical activity ever since as a student. I hate PE. I am not a sporty type of person, but give me something to read, you'll see my enthusiasm.

The doctors told me the do's and dont's. Prescribed me a multivitamins, told me to eat lots of banana and watermelon because it is a great source of potassium, exercise everyday and most importantly, take a rest.

I see myself as a brave woman. I look at myself as strong and independent. But honestly? That was the scariest night of my life. No, I don't fear for my life. I am not scared of death. I was scared for my kids, for my family. Because I couldn't imagine their lives without me. I have a 16 year-old son who needs my guidance. I have a 3 year-old youngest son who still clings on my nape to be able to fall asleep. And.... I have Joaqui. He is the most vulnerable child that God has entrusted me with. He has a lot of special needs which I know no one can willingly attend to except from me and his Papa. Even the nearest relatives wouldn't go out of their way to take care of him. Well, that's life. This is how it is. I already accepted the fact that no one can love him as much as we do. And that is the main reason why I still want to live. I want to live healthy and strong to be able to take good care of them. I still want to be their mom.

I said the most fervent prayer of my life. I begged the Lord for my strength, for the continuity of my life until the day that they don't need me anymore. I asked the Lord to please don't take me away for my kids. Not yet. Not this early.

Today, I feel better already. I started to take care of myself more. To be more careful of what I eat. And I'm learning to take a moment to rest. I need to be strong, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually to be an effective mom, wife, sister and daughter for my family.

A Piece of Happiness

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Tue, 11 Oct 2016 07:36:00 +0000

September 24, Saturday, marks a special day for Joaqui.

He was so ecstatic when we told him that we're gonna buy his hearing aid today.

Let me refresh you with this post Keeping The Faith.

As soon as he get up from bed, I already told him to get ready because we're going to buy his hearing aid. He clasped his hands with wide smile and big rounded eyes, then exclaimed "Yesss! Hearing aid, Mama?"
I was teary eyed, nod my head, and told him, "Oo, bibili na tayo ng hearing aid mo."

You know that overwhelming feeling of a mom, when you do not know how to contain your happiness. I just want to see him wear a good class of hearing aid, and I couldn't wait to see his reaction.

He underwent the fitting, the testing, and when it was finally turned on, he cheerfully whooped, looked into our eyes and beamed. He may not express by words the happiness that he feels at the moment but you can see it on his face and by the way he genuinely smiles at us.

I know we have not completed the pair yet, but I know God is leading us to the right path. We are living by the strong faith and determination that everything we do, every sacrifices we make and all the hard work we exerted will eventually pay off.

We would like to thank all the people who helped us to reach this goal, the ones who helped us financially, the ones who supported and bought our Joaqui's Homemade Spreads, who constantly motivated us by their words of encouragement and most of all, to our friends and family who fervently prayed for us. May the Lord up there shower you with blessings much more than you deserve.

And to my better half, the father of my children, we made a good team! Cheers to all our shared hardwork, optimism and strong determination.

To God be the glory! 🙌 🙏☝

Learn How to Choose Your Thoughts Carefully

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Fri, 26 Aug 2016 17:16:00 +0000

There are people who will feed you with misleading information, one-sided opinion, edited stories, trash talks, and will manipulate your mind to get mad and your heart to be filled with anger. As much as possible I want to avoid such people who will throw negativity upon me.

Allow yourself to be surrounded with happy people. Those who will enlighten your mind and heart and who will broaden your vision ni life, that not everything you see and everything you hear is all about hate and sorrow. Learn how to choose your thoughts carefully. I may not be at my best all the time, but I choose the things that will give me peace of mind and a healthy heart most of the time. 💖

Do-It-Yourself Memo Board

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Thu, 14 Jul 2016 20:54:00 +0000

I have always been fascinated with DIY ever since I was a little girl. I remember creating my own typewriter toy made from bond paper and get amused by the realistic sound it produced whenever I tap it with my fingers. I also built my own doll house made from shoe box and created toy furnitures from cartons and a doll closet out of zesto box and popsicle sticks. Yes, I'm a small-time artistic geek in my own little ways.

My DIY Memo-Board

I always love the Yuletide season because I like wrapping gifts in a not-so-conventional way. I love the back-to-school month when I need to wrap my kids' books and notebooks and have their colorful labels and name tags done. I am also guilty in meddling with their school projects that should be done by themselves because I have so much suggestions in mind and I couldn't resist to see their works plain and simple.

And, as a stay-at-home mom, I am a self-confessed OC when it comes to organizing everything in the house and make it slick and clean. But since I have a toddler roaming around who takes a big chunk of my time attending to his needs and cleaning and packing away the things that he repeatedly scatter on every corner of the house, it's so hard to find time for my little art projects.

And the day comes when my kids (and the husband) were engaged with their own little world (the toddler is watching his favorite cartoons, the 9 year old holding an iPad, the eldest and the husband is watching TV), I sneak some time to make a memo board made from used gift wrapper, colored cartons, colored papers, clips and old magazine cut out.

I want my memo board to have a receipt pouch because I tend to misplace the important receipts especially for those which are still covered with warranty.

I also added an old clip board where I could clip the recent electric/water bills and the phone/internet bills.

And don't forget the memo pads of course! I am a huge fan of memo/sticky pads. Whenever I visit National Bookstore, I'll always go back for 1 or 2 memo pads even if I was already lined up to the cashier. Heheh. 😁

My husband calls me "adik" and a "hoarder" when it comes to school supplies. I admit, I was bewitched by school supplies. I don't care. It makes me happy. 😊

Cheap and Easy Recipe: Home-cooked Burger Steak Meal

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Sat, 09 Jul 2016 17:42:00 +0000

As a full-time housewife, I always have a feeling that I'm obliged to stretch out the budget and find affordable dishes until the next "sweldo" arrives.

My kids are picky eaters. They don't eat veggies especially if they see it in chunks. So, as much as possible, I try to incorporate one or two kinds of veggies to the viand and make it appear appealing to their eyes with the hidden veggies in it.

Home-cooked Burger Steak

I have always loved the Jollibee burger steak ever since it came out in the market. My family and I also consider the burgers as our comfort food. So, I decided to make a home-cooked burger steak meal which is delicious and affordable.

Here's my recipe.

Ingredients:

For the burger patty:

400g ground pork (107pesos from Savemore)

1 medium size carrot (13pesos from the nearby Sari-Sari Store)

1 onion (3pesos)

garlic (2pesos)

3tbsp flour (3pesos)

Salt and pepper

For the gravy:

1 can button mushroom (34pesos)

garlic (2pesos)

1tbsp flour (1peso)

1/2 cup of water

1teaspoon soysauce

Salt and pepper

Procedure:

Mix the ground pork, grated carrot (I used the cheese grater), diced onion and garlic, salt and pepper, flour and water (to bind the ingredients together). Form it in a shape of burger patty then fry.

In a separate pan, saute garlic, button mushroom, then add the slurry (mixture of flour and water to thicken the sauce) then add the salt and pepper to taste. Add a teaspoon of soysauce for the desired light brown color. Stir in low fire until you get the consistency of a gravy.

Pour over the cooked burger patties and serve.

You can make 8 pieces of delicious burger patties that costs 165pesos only.

Ganun talaga, if you're on a tight budget, you could think of yummy and affordable recipes easily. 😉

"When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going"

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Tue, 05 Jul 2016 16:14:00 +0000

This is a follow up post to my "project" which was tackled on my previous post entitled Keeping The Faith.

I'm starting to feel dismayed but trying to understand things straight. The loan wasn't released and needed another month of processing. We weren't approved for financial assistance at work because it wasn't about being hospitalized nor death. I was dumped by 4 people in a span of 5 days. And some left me hanging without assurance.

How would I take all of these?

I'd like to think about those people who can easily afford to buy an iPhone 6 plus, or a Samsung S7. Those people who can afford to travel leisurely and have a lavish vacation abroad. Those people who can buy another set of valuable jewelry without hesitation. The people who have fat bank accounts and have no idea what impoverishment is. But for a minimum-waged earner like us? Seventy thousand pesos is not that easy to produce while others can spend it in a single purchase.

Honestly, hindi ako kumakain ng ampalaya (or okra and kalabasa)...
...Kaya naman....

I chose to take this as a challenge. A motivation to push through and keep going. I know this is just another test of faith and God has something in store for us. He has better plans. Certainly.

And this kind of smile? ...serves as a constant reminder that we don't have to worry because we can get through it. Just smile and keep the faith.

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way,

consider it an opportunity for great joy.

For you know that when your faith is tested,

your endurance has a chance to grow."

--James 1:2-3

Keeping the Faith

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Fri, 24 Jun 2016 17:40:00 +0000

As I was sorting out Joaqui's medical documents, I found these remains of our solicitation letter attached with his medical records and doctors' certificates 6 years ago. The time when we were trying to gather a huge amount of money for his first ever set of hearing aid.

January 2010

All the memories flashed back and made me so emotional when I remember how my husband and I almost begged different people and politicians for financial assistance.

Joaqui was only 3 years old then. He was speech delayed due to hearing impairment on both ears and because of his condition (Global Developmental Delay) which directly affected his speech ability. The struggle of gathering 158,000 pesos is really hard for a minimum-waged earner like us because he was also suffering from series of severe asthma attacks and has been confined to different hospitals around the town. We were down and out during those days and the pressure of providing for all his medications, treatments and therapies have made us so desperate to do everything even if it means swallowing our pride and accepting other people’s criticism is the only solution to provide for our son’s needs. We made a promise that we will do whatever it takes for the sake of our son, Joaqui.

We photocopied all the documents, made a request letter with Joaqui’s pictures on it and put them inside the envelope. We started soliciting from friends, relatives and co-workers. My husband also gave the envelopes to the managers of the restaurants and we were so grateful to all the crew who chipped in and personally handed back the envelopes to us. I went to different government offices and underwent the process to be qualified for financial grants.

January 2010

Everything that we have been through is not easy. There was a time when I’m absentmindedly crossing the road and a vehicle almost hit me without me knowing. My husband had a break down in one of the restroom’s cubicle at work. I’m telling you, that was one of the darkest moments of our lives.

All the sleepless nights, lost of appetite, depression, and all the pity, criticisms, harsh words, rejections that we've had from other people are all worth it. We may not be able to acquire the total amount from solicitations alone, but we managed to borrow some from different lending agencies. We have fulfilled our goal for our son and we are proud of everything that we have done.

We are thankful to all the people who helped us and to all the people who prayed for us. Up to this point in time, our hearts are still overwhelmed with gratitude and happiness that we were able to experience God's greatest miracle of showing us that everything is possible with Him.

And today, after six years, his doctor recommended for a hearing aid upgrade that may cost us a lot.... AGAIN.

It is a digitally programmable apparatus that best suits Joaqui’s recent needs (according to his latest hearing test) that is worth 35,000 each. That makes 70,000 for both ears. May be cheaper than before but better specs. Thanks to the revolution of digital technology.

June 2016

Today marks as day one. We are making a solicitation letter, gathering the necessary documents and preparing for the battle again. We may be able to repeat the same process again, we may be able to go through the same situation once again, but I know, this time...we are more equipped with strength, courage and most importantly faith.

We are certain that the Lord will guide us all throughout our journey and he will touch other people's hearts. We do not have to be afraid, because God will provide everything we need.

#AnythingForJoaqui

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
---Philippians 4:13

My Brothers, My Playmates

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Sun, 15 May 2016 16:39:00 +0000

"...Because Joaqui has brothers, he will always have the best of friends..."

I have 3 boys. My eldest is 16, my second is 9 and my youngest is 2. Maybe the universe knows that I am “one of the boys” since childhood til my high school days so I think I was destined to have all boys kids and it’s perfectly fine with me.

My second child was diagnosed with Global Developmental Delay since he was only 1 year old. His delayed motor skills, intellectual disability, low social skills and speech delay are the factors why he wasn’t capable of earning a lot of friends at home and in school. He couldn’t cope up with their role-playing games and he doesn’t understand most of the kids’ petty talks about the newest toys in the market, the places that they want to visit, up to their favorite cartoons on TV because of his speech delay. Another thing is, he is hyperactive so most of his actions like being giddy, roaming and jumping around, and most of his “kakulitan” were often mistaken as being rude by his playmates. So, they ended up transferring to another spot to continue their play and leave Joaqui behind.

Of course it is really a heart break for a mom like me. If only I could yell at those children and tell them “Who do you think you are, huh? You better go back to your parents and ask them to teach you some manners!”

Hahah. I’m a mom, you couldn’t blame me for defending my special needs child. But I definitely don’t want to be cruel. What I always do is I’ll get my son back inside the house and have their brothers play with him.

I just hope that some parents will talk to their kids and explain to them that there are kids like Joaqui who needs a lot more understanding and patience and that he has feelings, he can be hurt and he also needs friends. I hope they’ll teach them on how to deal with special needs kids and to be the best children with good manners that they can be because us parents, owe it to them.

My kids have a seven-year-each gap. Ken is already seven years old when I had Joaqui and Joaqui is already 7 when I had my youngest Miguel.

Having Miguel was unplanned. We were hesitant before to have another baby because of my high risk pregnancy every time. And considering that we have Joaqui whom we know that a lifetime responsibility because of his condition, we’re afraid that it’s gonna be harder for us.

But, things have changed when Miguel is growing as a smart, thoughtful and loveable happy child. We noticed that Joaqui is so fond of him. He takes care of his baby brother, he feeds him with cookies, he teaches him the alphabet and they are becoming the best of friends. We can see that our two other kids continually impart a big help when it comes to Joaqui’s development.

My husband and I are so thankful that God has blessed us with another child who surely will take good care of Joaqui. Aside from Kuya Ken, I know it’s gonna be a big help that there will be another one immediate family member who'll look after Joaqui when the time comes that we aren’t that healthy and strong enough to take care of him. "Iba yung may mga kapatid ka."

It was so heart warming to watch my kids get along with each other. Though they also have small fights like any other siblings, I can see their affection and love for each other. I know they’ll stay that way til they grow old into fine God-fearing men because they belong to a family that is surrounded by love like ours.

We are so glad because Joaqui has brothers. He will always have the best of friends.

💖Ken, Joaqui, Miguel💖

Value Our Parents' Well-Being

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Sat, 14 May 2016 06:03:00 +0000

Parents play a special role in each and everyone of us. They are the heroes of our lives. Their responsibility does not end when we get married and have our own family. Whenever we need them, they’re always there.

I see a lot of grandparents who took the role of their children when it comes to raising their kids because their children are either working abroad or here in the country and some of them were abandoned because the parents of their grandchildren chose to live their own lives with their new family.

Proud hands-on mom to my 3 boys

Sometimes, we tend to neglect their hardships, their sacrifices and we disregard the fact that they also have the right to live their own lives.

My brother and I grew up with both parents working. And when we finally settle down and have our own families, we didn’t pass the obligation of taking care of our kids to our parents because we can see that they are happy enjoying their lives while earning for themselves.

When my dad died, my mom chose to continue working because that’s what she really wants. Though, sometimes I still feel the urge to work and help my husband to provide financially for our family, I do not want to deprive my mom from the things that she wanted to do. I want her to enjoy her life, dine and watch movie with friends and co-workers and take a rest whenever she wants to. I do not want to see her getting tired of chasing my kids and I don’t want to see her suffer with all the stress of attending with the kids’ needs while doing tons of household chores.

They’re done with all of those sacrifices ever since they brought us into this world. It is now time to make them feel that there is something more to life than being a full time homemaker.

We are now living a fast-paced world where our responsibility is getting bigger but let us not escalate the burden of our parents by making them the nanny of our children. Remember, they spent two thirds of their lives to take good care of us. They are done with all the chasing, carrying and dealing with tantrums when we were just kids.

And today, we cannot deny that they are now getting old. We can see their body is getting frail, their bones are getting brittle and they get tired too easily. Yes, they are fond of our kids, they love their apo's, but let us give them the time to rest, to relax and to do the things that they have always wanted to do when they are too busy raising us.

They're not getting any younger. Our children is our own obligation, let us not pass it on to them. If circumstances forbid, better get a nanny so your parents will only look after them. If you want your parents to live a lot longer, give them the privilege to rest and to do whatever that makes them happy.

Remember, it’s not always about the money.

I'm over you, April

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Thu, 12 May 2016 16:35:00 +0000

No, April is not my frenemy’s name, or a relative or neighbor. I meant, April of 2016.

April has been so mean to me. Not my birth month but it seems like I was sick all month long.

During the first week of April, I had flu. I had fever for a week. I have not been recovered yet when cough striked. A rib cracking, throat ripping one. I won’t forget those sleepless nights when it made me utter a curse while pounding my chest for difficulty of breathing. I already finished my meds for a week but I wasn’t completely healed.

The following week, I felt abdominal and lower back pain. It even affected my legs and bending became so hard whenever I had to pick up something from the floor. I almost mistaken it as a UTI (Urinary Track Infection) but my lab tests were clear. The doctor advised me to have an X-Ray done if the pain persists after giving me meds. Thank God everything disappeared after almost 2 weeks.

Oh, April hasn’t done yet. It threw me hyperacidity at it’s last week. I was vomiting and shaking with cold sweats. I felt really weak and I almost felt that what's happened has made me less of a mother and a wife. I didn't expect that my period is on it's way. I think that's the reason why, and oh, hyperacidity is my old enemy.

My health is really important to me but I get so careless most of the time. I am not a figure-conscious type of a woman maybe because I don't get fat easily and I've got speedy metabolism. I eat what I like to eat (not in moderation) I am too lazy to try any form of exercise and I often neglect minor pains especially when I feel like it is still bearable.

But as a mother of 3, I know that being strong and healthy is the most important factor for me to be able to perform effectively in the house. I’ve got tons of chores to do everyday, kids to take good care of and a husband who is always worried whenever I’m not in good shape.

This is the time when the voice of the oldies echo in my mind saying “someday, you’ll regret abusing your body, when you become a lot older, that’s the only time you’ll feel that every part of you is getting weak.”

I think it’s not yet too late to live a healthier life. I can start today for the sake of my family.

Just dont take my chocolates away from me.

Looking Back

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Fri, 22 Jan 2016 03:43:00 +0000

A couple of months ago, I remember how people talked behind my back just because I wasn't able to give something in monetary during my beloved Lola's special day as planned. What they do not know is we were down-and-out during those days, had an instant noodles for lunch and that I only had to borrow money from a neighbor to be able to come and also pay debt to someone. We even needed to surpass the storm with my children because I really wanted to see my Lola even if I know that I have nothing to give because I only want to see her on her birthday.

Later on, I found out that there were people who are actually smiling at me and even thanked me for coming talked behind my back and criticized me just because I've got nothing to give.

Knowing myself, I could have given them a call and curse them for judging me without knowing the real situation why I didn't have the envelope to give.

But I chose to keep silent. I chose to keep my cool because I came to a point in my life that I do not care about what people think and say about me anymore. I don't owe anybody an explanation. Anything bad that I say against them also reflects my character as a person. Life has a series of options and decisions and how you react to things is definitely up to you.

I'm not used to cry for help even if I need to. I hate to play underdog even if I already am. I've got such a strong personality that people mistaken as being rude. But what you see is NOT everything I am.

Our annual family reunion is getting near. We are bound to gather together no matter how much complicated relationship we have with each other. We argue, we fight, some people even stopped talking to each other. But what makes us bind together is our common purpose. And that is to make our 85 years old Lola the happiest.

And on that day, I will choose to be grateful for everything that I have, to accept the things that I cannot change and to value the people who made my life worth-living.

Run For A Cause: “Takbo para sa may Kapansanan 2015”

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Fri, 21 Aug 2015 06:26:00 +0000

San Pedro Central School Special Education Department has come up with its first Run for a Cause Event entitled “Takbo Para Sa May Kapansanan 2015” for the benefit of the SpEd Children of San Pedro Central School.

I have a child with special needs. Joaqui was diagnosed with Global Developmental Delay Syndrome. A disability that shows delay in intellectual, fine-motor skills, gross-motor skills, socialization and communication. He was one of the SpEd students at San Pedro Central School for 3 years.

Every single day of those 3 years has become memorable to me. The differently abled children have opened my eyes to humility, compassion, kindness, perseverance, unconditional love and simple joys.

My son Joaqui (center) with his SpEd teacher Sir Marlon

SpEd Students of San Pedro Central School

These special children will always have a special place in my heart. I wouldn’t want any other intention right now but to help them to acquire all their needs in school by encouraging you to make your 5k run more meaningful by raising funds and awareness for a charitable cause.

Here are the details:

Theme: “Takbo Para sa May Kapansanan 2015”

October 24, 2015

Registration fee: Php 250.00 inclusive of 1 Singlet

Route: back-and-forth 5k run starting from San Pedro Central School to Landayan

Registration Period: On going up to the end of September 2015

For more info kindly visit San Pedro Central School, SpEd Department and look for:

Ma’am Olive Oaferina Sir Marlon Nacion Jr.

Ma’am Beth Rendon Sir Jun Barrientos

Ma’am Josie Escudero Sir Richard Jorta

A Mom's Self-Reflection

noreply@blogger.com (Clary Diary) — Thu, 06 Aug 2015 15:36:00 +0000

I think this is what they call "Birthday Blues." A feeling when you think that you will always be stuck in the same place and that your story has no change at all.

As I was cleaning the house the morning of August 2, Sunday, over the music of MYMP (Juris' version of Superman), which I think is really meant for me, because many people see me as Darna (the wonderwoman of the Philippines), I felt a bit emotional, okay, I admit, too emotional thinking about my existence as a wife, mom, daughter, sister and a friend to my loved ones.

People think that what I do is spectacular and extraordinary just because I have a child with special needs. Somehow, it is true because having a special child means greater responsibility which takes extra effort that would challenge your physical, mental and spiritual ability. But for me, what I do is plainly being a "mom" to all my kids. I am just like any other mom who would turn the world upside down for the sake of her children.

Being a full time mom, everyday is a mixture of joy, exhaustion, fulfillment and survival. I have 3 boys ages 15, 8 (my special child) and a baby that would turn 2 next month. You could imagine my round the clock responsibility with all the household chores which sometimes left me restless but still managed to smile and be grateful that I am able to do these things for them.

There are times that I feel a pang of self pity maybe due to exhaustion and lack of time for myself. There were nights when I long for a night of laughter with my friends or walking around the mall, visiting my favorite shops without having to carry a bag of baby bottles and diapers while holding a kid who keeps on begging for ice cream. But I always end up remembering the few times when I dropped by at the mall after running some errands, I couldn't help myself but to think of my kids' smile on their faces when they come along with me. You know, when you become a mom, your brain will always be divided into two, for you and for your kids. It's not only about you anymore. It's not only about the things that could make you happy. Sometimes, doing sacrifices for them will give you the feeling of fulfillment and joy especially when you see that they are becoming the children that you really wanted them to be.

At the end of the day, you'll feel your worth and it gives you the certain happiness from within, that, yes, I am a supermom in the eyes of my children.