Clean Short Funny Jokes

attorney fee

2012-02-29T07:53:00.001-08:00

a man called a lawyer and asked: " How much would you charge to me answer three question?"

The lawyer said: "$500 dollars!"

And the man said: "That's a lot of money, isn't it?"

The lawyer said, "I guess so. What's your third question?"

Different Thought

2012-02-18T10:54:00.000-08:00

There was a couple who had been married for a long time, and one day, they were walking through the park together, when they saw a young couple sitting on a bench, kissing each other very passionately.

So the wife said to the husband, "Honey, why don't you do that?"

And the husband said, "How? I don't even know that lady!"

a copy of the group picture

2012-02-07T19:38:00.000-08:00

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Emily, she's a lawyer, ' or 'That's David, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher...she's dead."

He'll follow us there

2012-02-06T20:39:00.000-08:00

    Mr. and Mrs. Taylor had a seven-year-old boy named Pat. Now Mrs. Taylor was expecting another child.

    Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much, so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too.

     One evening Mr. and Mrs. Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival. "This house won't be big enough for us all when the baby comes," said Mr. Taylor.

    Pat came into the room just then and said, "What are you talking about?""We were saying that we'll have to move to another house now, because the new baby's coming," his mother answered.

    "It's no use," said Pat hopelessly, "He'll follow us there."

The only problem is that it's broken

2012-02-02T21:00:00.000-08:00

    A child came in exclaiming excitedly, "Dad, I got a bicycle from Mom! Do you want to see it?" Dad said, "Sure, sure!"

    So he went to the backyard and looked at the brand new bicycle. "Wow! That's a beautiful bicycle! Can you ride it?"

    The son said, "The only problem is that it's broken." So his father said, "How can it be broken? It's brand new!"

    And the son said, "I don't know what's wrong. But anytime I ride it, it falls down!"

Never got caught

2012-01-30T05:43:00.000-08:00

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

The next one

2012-01-30T05:35:00.000-08:00

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled,"Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

Who is the best

2012-01-18T22:15:00.000-08:00

   The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

    The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

    The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

    The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

He said he knows you

2012-01-11T07:27:00.000-08:00

    An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

    The officer said: "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells: "He says you were speeding!"

    The patrolman says: "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells: "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

    The patrolman says: "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

     And the old man yells: "He said he knows you!"

I wish he were my relative

2012-01-10T07:07:00.000-08:00

     A big crowd were gathered outside a hotel where a famous millionaire died of a car accident. Among the crowd a young man apparently looked very sad.

     An old man who felt sympathy and said to the young man, " I understand you. I thought he was your relative. am i right? "

    " There lies the problem," the young man said, " he was not my relative at all."

$20 due for a consultation

2012-01-07T07:55:00.000-08:00

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.

Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

Why do doctors wear masks

2012-01-05T07:23:00.000-08:00

Once a small child asked his father, "Father, why do doctors always have to wear masks in the operating room?"

And the father replied, "In case something goes wrong, no one will know who they are."

Complaining of insomnia

2011-10-24T12:03:00.000-07:00

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him. "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

Brain transplant

2011-10-19T02:52:00.000-07:00

    A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."

    "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

    "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the doctor.

     Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.

    But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"

    "Standard pricing practice," said the doctor.

    "Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used."

Mother of six

2011-10-14T01:46:00.000-07:00

    A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

    One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts across the room at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of six?'"

     His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

Sharing the Apples

2011-10-13T05:45:00.000-07:00

     Harry was given two apples, a small one and a large one, by his Mum. "Share them with your sister", she said.

     So Harry gave the small one to his little sister and started touching into the large one.

     "Cor! "said his sister, "If Mum had given them to me I'd have given you the large one and had the small one myself."

    " Well", said Harry, "that's what you've got, so what are you worrying about?"

Contemporary service of wedding

2011-10-12T09:58:00.000-07:00

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.

When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor. "Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."

Dress shop burglary

2011-10-10T23:52:00.000-07:00

    "Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times," the judge said.

    "Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied.

    "What did you steal?" the judge asked.

    "I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect.

    "One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!"

    "Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"

Speeding

2011-10-08T02:27:00.000-07:00

    A man was driving a rig in a long line of tractor-trailers when a police officer pulled him over for speeding. Astounded that he alone was caught, he asked, "Out of all these trucks that were going just as fast as I was, why did you pull me over?"

    "Have you ever gone fishing?" the officer asked.

    "Yes," Walt replied.

    "Well, have you ever caught all the fish in the pond?"

Selling the wife

2011-10-05T08:39:00.000-07:00

     A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

    "I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."

    "That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"

     "Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

    "You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her, right?"

    "Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"

I want her to go nuts

2011-09-23T10:29:00.000-07:00

    Mrs. Flinders decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist: “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.”

   “But you're not wearing any of those things.”

     “I know,” said Mrs. Flinders. “It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he'd remarry right away, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry.”

Cut hair in office time

2011-09-23T10:26:00.000-07:00

   Miles sometime went to the barber's during working hours to have his hair cut. But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time. While Miles was at the barber's one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him.

    "Hello, Miles," the manager said. "I see that you are having your hair cut in office time."

    "Yes, sir, I am," admitted Miles calmly. "You see, sir, it grows in office time."

    "Not all of it," said the manager at once. "Some of it grows in your own time."

    "Yes, sir, that's quite true." Answered Miles politely, "but I'm not having it all cut off."

Does your dog bite

2011-09-20T19:52:00.000-07:00

    There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked.

    The old man replied, "Nope."

    So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist was flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

    The old man replied, "Ain't my dog."

Saucer brings me luck

2011-09-20T19:45:00.000-07:00

An antique collector was passing a small shop when he noticed a cat on the sidewalk out front, licking milk from a saucer. The man immediately realized the saucer was very old and valuable. He stepped into the shop with an uninterested look and asked to buy the cat.

    “I am sorry,” the shop owner said, “but the cat is not for sale.”

    “Please,” the collector urged, “I need a cat around my house to catch mice. I’ll give you 20 dollars.”

    “The cat is yours,” the proprietor said, taking the money.

    “Listen,” the collector added, “I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer as well. The cat seems to like it.”

     “Sorry,” the shop owner answered, “but that saucer brings me luck. Just this week I have sold 68 cats!”

Cannot eat the soup

2011-09-14T07:27:00.000-07:00

   As soon as the waiter turned around, Mike yelled at him, “Sorry, but I cannot eat the soup.”

    The waiter then changed him a new one. But he rejected the soup again. The waiter had to turn to the manager for help.

    The manager nodded respectfully towards Mike, asking “Why sir, this is the most special and populous recipe in our restaurant.”

“Well,” said Mike, “How can I eat the soup without a spoon?”