Yeah, I know. It’s been a while… Matter of fact, it’s been a long fucking while. But really, what else did you expect, huh? I have to work to make money and pay my student loans and pay for my midget-porn site subscriptions, so something’s gotta give because I have to generate enough revenue to pay for those; so it had to be either the porn and the student loans, or this site… and the decision about that came me fairly easily to me.

Look, the reality is that you deserve no better. It’s been one year since we started on this little procrastination website project, and I’m not a millionaire yet. In fact, I have LOST money, not to mention a disturbing amount of time writing idiocies for you lazy idiots, and you can’t even click enough on my ads to make me break even.

FUCK YOU!

Well, not really… Here’s the thing, and I’m being serious here, this site was officially launched on July 1, 2011. During a weekend where I was miserable, unhappy, and on top of that cursed with an unforgiving flu, I decided to break my procrastination routine to create this procrastination site as a venting mechanism and to feed my unhealthy need for attention — take a look at our first ever post.

Now, I don’t count the first month after launching the site, because I consider it a sort of “experimental” period. So I’d decided a while ago that I was gonna count the “anniversary” CleveredFool.com starting on August 1, 2012.

Here we are now, one year later, and I’m still that miserable, unhappy, pretentious bastard. I have even more questions about the meaning of life, the reason we’re here roaming a rock as shallow carbon units, and still searching for those long-sought answers related to whether God exists and whether Mitt Romney is actually a human being.

Anyways, here we are after tons of trial and errors and unproductivity endeavors; a fucking year later. Man, allow me to cliché this thing right here by saying that time does flies by pretty damn quickly.

For any of you who are curious about the “success” of this site, let me just say that: Mistakes were made. Instructions on how to blog/create a site successfully were not read. Time was wasted. My dad almost disowned me. I lost a decent amount of money all things considered… But if I had to do it all over again, I’d sure as heck do it.

This site won’t make me a millionaire. It probably won’t make me more than $100.00 a month, after expenses, even when it’s in its heyday 25 years from now. But the experience has been fucking awesome.

And not just, “yay, I learned how to do a website”, but just the actual experience. The first couple of months. The insomnia nights refreshing Google Analytics to see if there’d been any new recent visitors. The hours crafting a post that I knew no one else would probably read. The point in which, at that 2-3 month juncture, you idiotically think that you can actually make a living out of this blogging real quick and genuinely think about quitting your job. The first time you install Google AdSense on the site, and wait for that first click that’ll bring you in 0.08 cents. The first time you get a hater’s comment on an article. Having your best friends join you in writing stuff and contributing with the highest quality of articles. The plenty amazing and original articles written by our amazingly awesome contributors. The taxing self-loathing of your very own puny existence while writing a post or article, and thinking about how horrible it is, only to find out it’s the one that people have actually liked the most so far. The feeling you get when you re-read an old post that you wrote and you genuinely laugh at your own jokes and think to yourself, “man, that one was good.” The first time you’re linked on a major site, or an article of yours is linked from another high-traffic and reputable website. That first check from Google. The uncertainty about whether to continue with the site or not… The venting. Man, the venting. The having an opportunity to put a piece of yourself out there in the world – and yes that’s an actual quote from Bill Clinton. (Okay, it is not.).

Anyways, trust me when I tell you that I can keep going and going with stuff like that. Those really are THE moments. The little things. The “little emotions” – and that last one is really an actual quote, and it’s from Heath Ledger’s Joker.

I can’t say what’ll end up becoming of this site. I have no idea. I’ve no plans to close it, or sell it for a poop-flavored lollipop or a blowjob from Lindsay Lohan, or to actually stop writing stuff. Still, I also can’t say how frequently I’ll be writing. I want to. Trust me, I do. But every time I want, or have it planned, to start writing regularly once again, that selfish thing called “Life” gets in the way.

You can only go against the system and the current for so long… So, I’ll keep running on that treadmill. And I’ll also keep saying I will try my hardest to try and keep writing and updating the site frequently. But I can’t say for certain, and it will really depend on “Life”. And, as it has proven beyond any reasonable doubt time and again, “Life” can actually be a fucking pain in the ass and an outrageously disappointing bastard.

So there…

And now, for those curious about traffic numbers and the sort, here’s a brief overview of the Google Analytics Stats from August 1, 2011 – July 31, 2012:

Almost 150,000 unique visitors with close to 250,000 pageviews in the first year. That’s not bad… I guess.

But, the actual worth of the efforts undertaken for this site are much better illustrated by my expenses and revenues:

REVENUE:

Google AdSense = $154.09 in estimated earnings in the first year…That’s horrible.

Take a look at the official report on that, which has some parts that have to be “blocked” because of the Google AdSense policy; bastards won’t allow you to share that:

And that’s all the revenue. I guess I should try and read some on monetizing strategies other than AdSense.

Now for the fun part…

EXPENSES:

Okay, in here are some of the ones that I recall, along with some other ones that I paid a lump-sum for, and then mixed with some other ones that I currently keep paying in order to keep the site running:

HostGator Web-Hosting: $9.99 a month… Times 12 months = $120.00. (FYI, HostGator is the best Web-Hosting Company out there. Know that. And I’m not even shooting a referral link here. They just are and deserve the kudos.)

Attracta Subscription: $24.95 a month… Times 8 months = $200.00. (I get the premium subscription of them. Liked it at first, and haven’t cancelled it. I think it does brings some benefits. Though not sure how big those benefits are and if they’re worth the money.)

Alexa Subscription: $9.95 a month… Times 8 months = $200.00. (I just have this Alexa one because I have this unproven theory that it helps your Alexa ranking. I am an idiot.)

WooThemes Subscription: $70.00 one-time payment. (Some of the best premium WordPress Templates on the web.)

ElegantThemes Subscription: $80.00. (Meh…)

CleveredFool.com Domain 10-Year Renewal: $150.00 for 10 years. ( I renewed my domain for the maximum allowed time, just because I heard it’s good for the reputation and authority of your site, because search engine crawlers see that it’s no spam kind of thing, and you’re in it for the long-haul. Sound reasoning. Interesting theory. Also unproven.)

And I just really can’t remember any other ones right now, but there you have those, so go ahead and do that math…

So let’s go ahead and start handing out some awards to honor the first-year anniversary of CleveredFool.com… Enjoy:

CleveredFool.com – First-Year Anniversary Awards

The “You Write About Chuck Norris and He will Reward you with Awesomeness” Award for the Most-Viewed Article:

Well, actually the most viewed page was the Chuck Norris Facts vs. Dos Equis Quotes article. It had 21,720 total unique pageviews in one year. Users spent an average of 2 minutes and 47 seconds on the page.

Those are some solid numbers. And really, the only reason it was the most viewed article is because it actually ranked well of Google search results for the keyword search of “Dos Equis Quotes”. We ranked that article in the Top 10 of Google search results for a good part of the year. At one point we we’re even ranked number 1 for it. Now? Not so much.

The “There’s No Hope for Humanity” Award

Our third ranked post on our first year was the Scarlett Johansson Hacked Pictures one. 10,964 unique pageviews. Gotta love humans.

The “Mr. Burgundy You Have a Massive Erection” Award for the articles that we’re linked on some of the major sites out there on the web.

This award is handed out to a couple of articles, such as:

Post-Debate Interview: Republican Presidential Candidates – This one got linked by the Huffington Post. Okay, it got linked on one of their Twitter social apps as one of the top links about the debate, from a satirical standpoint, but fuck it, I’m counting it anyway!

Kobe-Face Picture – Our picture of the now infamous and legendary Kobe-Face was linked in the actual body-text of an ESPN article.

Demotivational Posters: Rupert Murdoch – This one was one of our first creations and the first actual link from a major website. Well, it wasn’t necessarily a link as it was a mention, but it was quite the mention from the AdWeek site:

Well, if the souvenir hunters don’t want a piece of Rupert, perhaps the rest of corporate America might. Culture blog Cleveredfool.com has produced a stirring series of corporate motivational posters—just print ’em out and hang ’em up!—featuring Murdoch’s smiling face. Among the inspirational sayings: “When in doubt . . . Destroy lives.”

To Torture or Not to Torture? That is the Question… – This was sort of a guest post on Technorati, but they linked back to us. So it must be counted, dammit!

The “Reputation, reputation, reputation! O, I have lost my reputation! I have lost the immortal part of myself, and what remains is bestial.” Award for our Highest Honor in ranking a porn-related article.

This award goes more towards a person than it does an article… And it goes to, of course, none other than Mz. N. for her article about the Top 10 Pornstars of All-Time (Male & Female) which is currently ranked #6 on Google for the keyword search of: “pornstars who have deepthroated lex steele“.

One of the highest honors I’ve ever experienced.

Alright, so that’s all for the moment… Thank you for not reading and not clicking on my ads.

Thanks also to all our contributors for being awesome and sublimely demonstrating the art of procrastination. And thank Darwin for making me such an ode to procrastination.

Take it easy.

Puerto Rico Exodus Story: Lamento Borincano (Puerto Rican Lament…) – by The Bachster

Puerto Rico, my godforsaken colony of a home country, has been going through a terrible social crisis in the last decade or so. Rampant crime, a stagnant economy, and ever-declining social and cultural mannerisms have turned Puerto Rico, sadly, into a horrible destination for living.

My colony has been losing 50,000 or so people a year – in what is now unofficially known as the Puerto Rico Exodus – and what makes it different from other mass migrations of the past, is that this time, mostly the young, educated and professional are leaving.

So who is left to build a colony in shambles? Who will carry the load for trying to raise Puerto Rico from the ashes?

Is it our political elites?

The ones who have to talk to puppets to get their message across?

Is it the pro-colony candidate who can’t string a sentence together?

Or is it our awesome cultural role models knee deep in drug money?

Or perhaps it’s the parasitic majority that is catered to by the politicians, serve as a haven to the drug trade, cause mayhem in the streets and are generally unfriendly to you while taking your order at McDonalds (if they have a job, and that’s a big if)?

And they have awesome water parks paid by drug money, to boot!

Nope, none of these build countries. You know who does? Me, and people like me, who have tried to do things by the book, have studied or worked all of their life, have generally avoided trouble with the law and, most importantly, have basically carried out our responsibilities.

Young, educated and hard-working people build countries. And most of us in Puerto Rico are leaving… Where?

To the land of the pasty, and the home of the lame, that’s where.

I certainly have no intentions of having blue eyes and blond hair. I’m proud of who I am and where I come from (mostly because of my family and parents). But I need to be somewhere where my job is remunerated on par with the effort it was to get my degree.

For the sake of my mental health, I need to be somewhere where there are no shootings in major highways during high-traffic hours.

For God sakes, I need peace and quiet. And I expect respect for public property.

Beach after a national Puertorican holiday. Fuckin’ pigs.

Living in Puerto Rico, I believe, was shortening my life. The stress of my surroundings got the best of me. And, because I do care, there was no way of me avoiding this. For the sake of mine and my future family’s life, I became a statistic.

About two weeks ago, I emigrated to Smallville, USA. I will receive a generous salary plus bonus. People are oddly cordial, strangely efficient at their jobs, and generally follow the goddamn traffic laws.

I am aware that this is no Panacea and that all places have their faults, and I’ve heard terrible things about the winter snow. But, shortly after I moved, another all-too-common Puerto Rican tragedy happened, that all but confirmed my hard decision to move.

Stefano Steenbakkers was just 17 years old. A good-looking, smart kid with his whole life ahead of him, he got murdered by two carjackers who, and I’m sadly not kidding, decided that “today is a good day for a carjacking”, saw Stefano driving his car, pulled up in front of him, got out and shot him. This wasn’t before he called his mom and, painfully aware that he was being followed for a possible carjacking, told her the car’s license plate.

Stefano agonized for four days in the hospital before he died, and his family bravely donated his organs.

Stefano’s death was a painful confirmation that I had made the right choice. That above all, I’d rather leave and take my talents to Paleville than to become another number; another statistic in Puerto Rico’s crime wave.

When I read the horrible news, I immediately hoped that his family, somehow, someway, found peace, and my thought’s later turned to all of my loved ones (all three of ‘em!) still left in Puerto Rico. I hope Darwin protects them from all of the shit around ‘em.

Life’s about probabilities and I decided to give myself a good chance at living, at succeeding, and at having a good quality of life. Is anything in this universe certain? Other than the speed of light, absolutely not.

But the best I can do is better my odds. That’s really all that one can control.

But I’d rather fold a bad hand and wait for a good one rather than go all in trying to make something out of nothing.

Nothing.

I folded, and decided to get me a good hand… Wish me luck.

______________________________________________

Sappy Editor’s Note: The Bachster is the dearest of friends, to me personally, and to all the rest of contributors and columnists of this site. He’s also one of the best, brightest, and most privileged minds that I’ve ever had the opportunity of interacting with.

It really is a shame, for Puerto Rico, that the Bachster has left; but it is, unequivocally, the best decision, both personally and professionally, for him and his girl.

He’s now an invaluable asset to another community/country, not unlike the many other Puerto Ricans who’ve left before him; or those who, like Mickey Jax, quickly realized what was going on and didn’t even bother to come back.

Anyways, we just want to wish the very best to The Bachster and his better-half, in this new phase of life and in their future endeavors… Darwinspeed.

Kobe Bryant Quotes About Life & Basketball: A Tribute to Humility

The ‘Kobe-Face’…

Well, Kobe Bryant is a very interesting carbon unit…

No one can deny that the guy is a winner. No one can deny that the guy gives a fuck and plays his ass out every game. No one can deny Kobe would even light up his entire family on fire, Keyser Söze-style, only to win a mere exhibition basketball game against the Harlem Globetrotters.

The guy is certainly awesome. And we know that awesome does not necessarily eliminate asshole from the equation.

Nevertheless, I recently got caught up reading about Kobe’s career, and I have to say, the guy is the perfect fusion of life wisdom and being-an-asshole wisdom that you’ll ever see.

There are certainly some quotes from Kobe that leave you wishing he’d look up the word “humility” in the dictionary. While there are some others that leave you thinking: “No wonder the guy’s had such a successful basketball career – he puts every last ounce of effort into the game of basketball.”

So, I then and there realized that an installment of the best Kobe Bryant quotes was unequivocally worthy of our Best Life Quotes category.

As such, without any further gilding of the lily, here they are – in no particular order – the best Kobe Bryant Quotes About Life & Basketball…

Kobe Bryant Quotes: On His Goals in Life & Basketball

I’m chasing perfection.

There you go Kobe. Thanks for starting us off with such a modest response. We appreciate that.

(Picture Credit: Aaron Frutman)

Kobe Bryant Quotes: On Michael Jordan

I don’t want to be the next Michael Jordan, I only want to be Kobe Bryant.

Asshole quote? Absolutely. Advice to follow for the rest of us mortals? Absolutely, too.

Kobe Bryant Quotes: On Life’s Challenges

Everything negative – pressure, challenges – is all an opportunity for me to rise.

You can do worse things in life than have that sort of attitude. Solid wisdom there, Kobe.

Kobe Bryant Quotes: On Winning Games

I’ll do whatever it takes to win games, whether it’s sitting on a bench waving a towel, handing a cup of water to a teammate, or hitting the game-winning shot.

You see, just when you think that Kobe’s finally being modest and team-player, he closes the show with the “hitting the game-winning shot” thing. He’s great, I tell you.

Kobe Bryant Quotes: The Understatement of the Century

I’m not the most patient of people.

‘Nuff said.

Kobe Bryant Quotes: On Injuries

I’ve played with IVs before, during and after games. I’ve played with a broken hand, a sprained ankle, a torn shoulder, a fractured tooth, a severed lip, and a knee the size of a softball. I don’t miss 15 games because of a toe injury that everybody knows wasn’t that serious in the first place.

Don’t you fucking forget that I’m Kobe Bryant! I drink human blood before games to pump myself up, for chrissakes!

(Picture Credit: Aaron Frutman)

Kobe Bryant Quotes: On Leadership

If I panic, everyone else panics.

This is a great quote for leaders. Seriously.

Kobe Bryant Quotes: On Parents & Family

My parents are my backbone. Still are. They’re the only group that will support you if you score zero or you score 40.

Good stuff, Kobe.

Kobe Bryant Quotes: On The Black Mamba

The Black Mamba collection of watches is me: It is my alter ego, so to speak. As I mentioned before, it is sharp, cutting edge and sleek which are characteristics I try to apply when I’m out there on the basketball court.

Too. Much… Just too fucking much.

Kobe Bryant Quotes: On Why He’s Amazingly Awesome and Awesomely Amazing

These young guys are playing checkers. I’m out there playing chess.

Thank you God, for Kobe Bean Bryant.

Kobe Bryant Quotes: On Being a Dad

My kids call me Grumpy, from the Seven Dwarfs.

I can’t. I just can’t.

Kobe Bryant Quotes: On How He Improved Dwight Howard’s Career

I baptized him. I turned him into a Defensive Player.

Kobe Bryant Quotes: On Assists

I should get an assist for that. It’s an intentional pass to oneself, so it’s an assist. That way people can’t say all I do is shoot.

I wouldn’t dare say anything else.

Kobe Bryant Quotes: Kobe on Missing Free Throws at the End of a Win

I was point shaving.

Well of course!

Kobe Bryant Quotes: On Pau Gasol

Even when he was in Memphis and he was the go to guy, he was always very nice… I need him to be an asshole sometimes.

Yeah, this is true. We all need to be assholes sometimes, to be successful in life.

Kobe Bryant Quotes: On why he’s Awesome… Again

The guy said NBA players are one in a million… I said, ‘Man, look, I’m going to be that one in a million.

As if we needed another reason…

Kobe Bryant Quotes: On Dunking

I realize now that there’s a strength in dunking that I can use to my advantage. When you dunk all the time it isn’t as demoralizing to the opponent, but when you dunk at a key moment in the game you can use it to change the momentum.

This is great stuff. Applicable to life, too; It ain’t what you do. It’s how you do it.

Kobe Bryant Quotes: On Closing the Showwww!

I was just letting the shots fly. You know, I don’t leave any bullets in the chamber.

Were you expecting anything else?

NBA Playoffs Western & Eastern Conference Finals Preview: I Heart the Spurs – The Bachster

Welcome, procrastinators. In my previous slightly prophetic rant, I accurately predicted that the almighty Spurs would keep rolling over the inferior competition, which, in my mind, is every other NBA team. Now the Spurs face their toughest challenge, what could accurately be described as the real NBA finals, since the winner should be favored over anybody in the East: The Oklahoma City Thunder.

Greatness in the making.

NBA Western Conference Finals Preview: San Antonio Spurs vs. Oklahoma City Thunder

I guess it should give the Spurs organization pride in knowing that they are basically going up against themselves. The Thunder was built using the Spurs as a model, building a team through the draft, valuing being in a small market, and not looking for controversy on purpose. They have a legit Superstar in Kevin Durant, a legit second wheel in Russell Westbrook and a left handed sparkplug coming out the bench in James Harden. And also, they have, (Gulp!), Serge Ibaka.

The Bachster has a man crush on this Congolese man-cake!

This combination of starts, notwithstanding The Bachster’s man crush, is eerily familiar to the Spurs combination of Tim Duncan, Tony Parker and Manu Gino-fuckin’-bili.

I heart Ginobili.

I feel confident in saying that the Thunder is a great up-and-coming organization with all the tools needed to be serious contenders for the next five-plus years – possibly more. But San Antonio is playing a level of basketball possibly not seen since Jordan’s last days with the Bulls.

San Antonio is playing basketball as it’s meant to be played, putting an emphasis on passing, cutting, dishing to the open man, limiting turnovers, a deep bench and the best coaching available. As I advised Derrick Rose in my last article (which I’m positive he read and took it to heart), Durant will have the league all to himself… But not quite yet.

Prediction: Spurs in 5

I love you, you ugly bug-eyed superhero, you.

NBA Eastern Conference Finals Preview: Boston Celtics vs. Miami Heat

On the other side of the aisle, I unfortunately had a premature ejaculation, thinking that the Miami Heat would falter after being down 2-1 against the Indiana Pacers.

"I’m sorry, baby... It’s just that the prospect of the Heat losing really turns me on."

LeBron James and Dwayne Wade had unbelievable performances in games 4, 5 and 6. They shouldered their cough, vomit, cough team on their shoulders and willed themselves to win… in six games… in the second round of the playoffs. Against an inexperienced but scrappy team with a 7’2” center who doesn’t seem so realize he’s taller than everybody else.

Hibbert has his feet planted in the ground in this picture, yet still managed 8 points in some games.

Alas, entitlement’s favorite team survives another round, and the grotesque experiment in teaming up “superstars” with a bunch of bench warmers and hoping that they can take over games consistently and win the Finals lives on another day.

Next up is the Celtics, who just got out of an ugly seven game series against Philadelphia, and are determined to ride their last merry-go-round as far as they can go.

The Celtics are tall, tough, defensive minded and have played the Superfriends before. It should be another tough and physical series, which might possibly cause another round of injuries. Hopefully, these injuries will all fall on Dwayne Wade. (No “D-Wade” for me thanks. I’m not sucking an athlete’s dick with catchy names, unless their demeaning, like Bosh Spice.)

The Bachster died a little after seeing this picture.

But alas, this shallow and unworthy generations defining team, the Superfriends, are just as good defensively and much more athletic than the Celtics, who must be feeling some wear and tear after their last series. And as a plus, the Heat can always count on the great mastermind Erik Spoelstra for great leadership!

Leadership!

How can anybody root for a team that allows such a blatant disrespect to its coach? Can anybody picture a player on the Celtics or Spurs going off on Doc Rivers or Gregg Popovich like this? Why is this team so beloved when it’s full of self-serving jerks? Is this all just a conspiracy to make it even sweeter when they fall of the cliff again, just like last year’s NBA’s finals?

Yes, I will continue to bring this up, because how you perform in the big stage is the definition of greatness, not claiming that you are. But this conversation will come on another day.

Prediction: The Superfriends should win in 6. 

And another angel will lose its wings on that day.

What a disgrace.

See you before the Finals, you disgusting, self-absorbed, entitled slackers!

NBA Playoffs 2012 Random Statements (That Happen To Be True) — The Bachster

Hello, my friends.  Heartfelt greetings to my all of my fellow procrastinators.  Other than watching men skillfully try to kill each other only with their fists, basketball is my favorite sport.  I wish to give my worthless two cents on what is turning out to be great NBA playoffs.  Random thoughts…

Going in to the NBA playoffs, it was common knowledge that there were basically five teams contesting for the championship:  the Lakers, the Thunder, the Bulls, the Superfriends/ Heatles/ Heat, and the almighty Spurs.  It was a great shame that we witnessed Derrick Rose, a humble superstar in the making, bend his leg like a rubber band.  His leg injury deflated a lot of the momentum and excitement the playoffs had, especially since it meant no ECF rematch against the Superfriends (I will refer to the Heat as the Superfriends from here on out, seeing as I find it amusing).  Oh well, Derrick.  You and Durant will own the league for the next ten years.  I’m sure you’ll use it as a learning experience.

That being said, I must announce my unabashed fandom for the lamest NBA franchise that actually wins:  the unsexy, “boring” San Antonio mothafuckin’ Spurs.  The Greatest Sports franchise in the last 15 years if you consider greatness to involve actual winning.  (Please do consider.) Coincidentally when Tim Duncan and Gregg Popovich started their beautiful bromance, the Spurs have the best winning percentage of any major franchise in the major North American sports.  They pretty much only know how to consistently win.  And they do it because of their coach, supreme scouting, an actual plan and a program, and because of their superstar, or better yet, their goddamn fucking superhero, Tim Fucking Duncan.

The Bachster seriously loves Tim Duncan.

The Bachster seriously loves Tim Duncan.

This guy is what a winning competitor looks like:  an educated, humble, respectful, honest, college educated family man who only knows how to win, and only does it by doing his job.  Better than anybody, period.

Tim Duncan wins, and he wins without him screaming all over your face when he dunks while he tries to sell you shoes.

Seriously fuck this shit trying to be all deep and with a message.

Tim Duncan and his Spurs (and yes, they are and will always be his team while he’s at it) are annihilating the league, being up 2-0 on the Clippers, riding a 16 game win streak, and being 38-3 over their last 41 games.  Duncan is trying to earn his fifth championship in 15 years, and legitimately (if he wins again) obligating himself in the conversation of not only the best of this generation, but his place among the best of all time.  (Timmay will earn a whole article dedicated to him and LeBrickazoid, which will come at the end of the season.  When the Spurs win.  Again.)

He is the ultimate winner, on the ultimate selfless team, with the best coach on the best (defined as who wins the most) sports franchise playing the best basketball available.

On the other side of the aisle, we have this god-awful disgrace…

The Superfriends are gloriously failing.  Their experiment, three buddies planning on beating up the competition by joining teams as if this where an NBA Live game, is burning down quicker than one of those awesome California forest fires.

Pretty Awesome...

Trying to gang up on the league and acting like a self absorbed, entitled Occupy Wall Streeter, they unleashed this endless source of ridicule.  It is to hate, what God is to love.  If you believe in such things.

I’ve already described in detail my particular disgust with Lebron James and the Boshinator himself, Chris Bosh.

He gets rejected at the end, which makes it even funnier.

So you can imagine my joy watching the Superfriends getting manhandled by Indiana, while simultaneously discovering that Boshness is the most irreplaceable player of the three.  Pretty sad.

So, hooray for team play and hard work exhibited by likes the Thunder, the Pacers and the unbelievable Batman-like San Antonio fuckin’ Spurs.

And an awesome slow clap for entitlement’s fall.  Glorious, down the crapper,  people-will-join-the-unemployed-soon, entitlement’s fall.

Glorious.

When Chuck Norris’s favorite team, the Spurs, sweep the LA Clippers, I will return for further enlightenment.

Best Life Quotes From Movies

This installment presenting the best life quotes from movies presents me with a solid opportunity to lecture you about life, about how wise I am, about how much better I am than you, and ultimately provides me with the chance to endow you idiots with some preachy pretentiousness, so you would do yourself a disservice if you don’t take full advantage of this distinct honor and privilege – You’re welcome.

Now, before we delve into the quotes, let me say a couple things first:

• These movie quotes are of every variety – meaning they can be from serious movies, stupid comedies, and even chick-flicks.
• There are NO quotes from The Notebook – the line has to be drawn somewhere.
• There will be two sections in which the movie quotes are divided into: Best Quotes About Life from Classic Movies & Best Quotes About Life from Random Movies.
• My list — You know what to do if you don’t like them, right?

Now then, let’s make this happen…

Best Quotes About Life from Classic Movies

(Picture Credit: Simon Owen Design)

Best Life Quotes from Movies: Casino

There’s three ways to do things, the right way, the wrong way and the way that I do it.

Ace Rothstein (Robert DeNiro)

Best Life Quotes from Movies: Good Will Hunting

Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there.

Prof. Gerald Lambeau

Some people can’t believe in themselves until someone else believes in them first.

Tagline

Best Life Quotes from Movies: Harry Potter

It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends.

Dumbledore (Richard Harris) — Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more.

Dumbledore — Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Best Life Quotes from Movies: Patton

For over a thousand years, Roman conquerors returning from the wars enjoyed the honor of a triumph – a tumultuous parade. In the procession came trumpeters and musicians and strange animals from the conquered territories, together with carts laden with treasure and captured armaments. The conqueror rode in a triumphal chariot, the dazed prisoners walking in chains before him. Sometimes his children, robed in white, stood with him in the chariot, or rode the trace horses. A slave stood behind the conqueror, holding a golden crown, and whispering in his ear a warning: That all glory is fleeting.

U.S. General George S. Patton (George C. Scott)

Best Life Quotes from Movies: Pirates of the Caribbean

I’m dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest… Honestly, it’s the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they’re going to do something incredibly… stupid.

Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) – The Curse of the Black Pearl

Best Life Quotes from Movies: Star Wars

Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.

Yoda — The Phantom Menace

Never tell me the odds.

Han Solo (Harrison Ford) — The Empire Strikes Back

Do, or do not. There is no ‘try’.

Yoda — The Empire Strikes Back

Best Life Quotes from Movies: The Dark Knight

Because sometimes the truth isn’t good enough… Sometimes people deserve a little more.

Batman (Christian Bale)

In their last moments, people show you who they really are.

The Joker (Heath Ledger)

If you’re good at something, never do it for free.

The Joker

Best Life Quotes from Movies: The Godfather

Keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer

Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) — The Godfather II

Best Life Quotes from Movies: The Lion King

Oh yes, the past can hurt. But you can either run from it, or learn from it.

Rafiki to Simba

Best Life Quotes from Movies: The Lord of the Rings

Many that die deserve life. Many that live deserve death. Can you give it to them? Therefore, be not so quick to deal out death in judgment, for even the very wise cannot foresee all ends.

Gandalf the Grey (Ian McKellen) — The Fellowship of the Ring

Best Life Quotes from Movies: The Shawshank Redemption

Some birds aren’t meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone. I guess I just miss my friend.

Ellis Boyd ‘Red’ Redding (Morgan Freeman)

Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. I will be hoping that this letter finds you, and finds you well. Your friend. Andy.

Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins)

Best Quotes About Life From Random Movies

"Mr. Burgundy, you have a MASSIVE erection!"

Best Life Quotes from Movies: Comedies

 I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal.

Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell) — Anchorman

Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick) – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

The only true wisdom consists of knowing that you know nothing.

Bill S. Preston, Esq. (via Socrates) — Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure

Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

High School Principal — Billy Madison

Best Life Quotes from Movies: Chick-Flicks

We’re women. We don’t say what we want, but we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don’t get it.

Lydia (Jeanne Tripplehorn) – Sliding Doors

I’m finished, I’m fucked. Twenty-four hours ago, man, I was hot! Now… I’m a cautionary tale. You see this jacket I’m wearing, you like it? Because I don’t really need it. Because I’m cloaked in failure! I lost the number one draft picked the night before the draft! Why? Let’s recap: Because a hockey player’s kid made me feel like a superficial jerk. I ate two slices of bad pizza, went to bed and grew a conscience!

Jerry Maguire (Tom Cruise) — Jerry Maguire

We live in a cynical world. A cynical world. And we work in a business of tough competitors. I love you. You… complete me.

Jerry Maguire

Best Life Quotes from Movies: Man Movies

You keep on knocking on the devil’s door, eventually someone will answer.

Lt. Green (Terrence Howard) – Four Brothers

This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time.

The Narrator (Ed Norton) — Fight Club

Emperor: “Tell me how he died…”

Algren: “I will tell you how he lived.”

Nathan Algren (Tom Cruise) – The Last Samurai

Best Life Quotes from Movies: Sports Movies

Kid, there are heroes and there are legends. Heroes get remembered, but legends never die.

“The Babe” (Babe Ruth) — The Sandlot

What I’m talking about is a game, a game that can’t be won. It can only be played.

Bagger Vance (Will Smith) — The Legend of Bagger Vance

I hit it again because that shot was a defining moment, and when a defining moment comes along, you define the moment… or the moment defines you.

Roy ‘Tin Cup’ McAvoy (Kevin Costner) — Tin Cup

A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you’re not enough without it, you’ll never be enough with it.

Irv Blitzer (John Candy) — Cool Runnings

Well it’s real simple: You got two more quarters and that’s it. Now most of you have been playing this game for ten years. And you got two more quarters and after that most of you will never play this game again as long as you live. Now, ya’ll have known me for awhile, and for a long time now you’ve been hearing me talk about being perfect.

Being perfect is not about that scoreboard out there. It’s not about winning. It’s about you and your relationship with yourself, your family and your friends. Being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye and know that you didn’t let them down because you told them the truth. And that truth is you did everything you could. There wasn’t one more thing you could’ve done. Can you live in that moment as best you can, with clear eyes, and love in your heart, with joy in your heart? If you can do that gentleman – you’re perfect!

I want you to take a moment. And I want you to look each other in the eyes. I want you to put each other in your hearts forever, because forever’s about to happen here in just a few minutes.

I want you to close your eyes, and I want you to think about Boobie Miles, who is your brother. And he would die to be out there on that field with you tonight. And I want you to put that in your hearts.

Boys, my heart is full. My heart’s full.

Coach Gary Gaines (Billy Bob Thornton) — Friday Night Lights

NBA Playoff Predictions, 2012 NBA MVP & Deconstructing LeBron James

Here they are, our 2012 NBA Playoff Predictions and our picks, not only for this season’s NBA MVP, but also the rest of the 2012 NBA Awards; given each year to recognize the greatness of these humanitarian millionaire athletes who’ve helped put so many young, hot and scrumptious strippers through college.

NBA Players… We Salute You!

Now, jump high and entertain me in the playoffs, dammit!

Alright, so let’s start this off with a recap of the best players this year for each of the NBA awards category, highlighted with an effort into deconstructing the brain of LeBron James through one of the purest forms of hating you’ll see.

NBA Rookie of the Year 2012

Kyrie Irving, Cleveland Cavaliers

This one’s pretty close to a no-brainer, even as this rookie class was surprisingly solid – Kenneth Faried, Kawhi Leonard, Isaiah Thomas (not the alleged sexual harasser / destroyer of New York Basketball), et al…

And don’t even get me started on Ricky Rubio, who I think would have ended up going home with the Rookie Award had he not been injured after tripping over Michael Beasley’s bong in the Timberwolves Locker Room.

NBA Coach of the Year 2012

Gregg Popovich, San Antonio Spurs

As the Bachster would say: “You gotta love this ugly bastard!”

What a freaking basketball mind this guy has.

I’m sure God told Popovich, when he was crafting him, “Listen, Pop… I can either grant you a once-in-a-generation basketball mind, or good looks… it’s either or, no middle ground.”

And Pop said, “How ugly are we talking about here, God?”

God replied, “Well, it’s gonna be you, Carles Puyol, and Madonna’s arms… That’ll be the order of the ugliness standard for carbon unit creatures… Oh, and you’ll get some lanky kid from the U.S. Virgin Islands on your team, too.”

Pop: “Make it happen… Just make sure you give me some heavy fingers as they’ll be getting used to some heavy rings.”

God: “I’ll give you five of them fingers.”

NBA Most Improved Player 2012

DeMarcus Cousins, Sacramento Kings

Thug Alert!

Have any of you idiots seen Cousins’s profile picture on ESPN.com? It is a monument to the Eternal Thugness Club that was founded by Ron Artest and Stephen Jackson on a cold night in Detroit many years ago.

Goodness gracious! Dare I say Cousins becomes an honorary member of the Tyson Zone in the near future? Or is he already in there?

I need to know this, dammit!

NBA Sixth Man of the Year 2012

James Harden, Oklahoma City Thunder

Yeah, this one’s a no brainer for sure. And thank Darwin his beard protected him from that unintentionally intentional Artest elbow.

NBA Defensive Player of the Year 2012

Kevin Garnett, Boston Celtics

I fucking hate Kevin Garnett. He seems like such an asshole. He’s a bully, is what he is.

But man, give me a guy like him on my team any day of the week and twice on Sunday. Say what you will about how ugly he is, and about how he picks on smaller players, and drinks the blood of cute puppies before each and every game… But no one can say the guy doesn’t care.

A winner is a winner, no matter how much of an asshole he/she might be… Take it up with God, if you have any problems with that.

But Garnett’s still an asshole, do not forget that…

NBA MVP 2012

J.J. Barea, Minnesota Timberwolves… Alright, that’s joke.

As much as it pains my existence to say this, it has to be none other than:

LeBron James, Miami Bandwagoners Heat

Man, is LeBron James such a fucking enigma…

Deconstructing LeBron reminds me of a conversation I recently had with The Bachster and another buddy of mine who’s a HUGE LeBron fan and unabashed apologist of his.

Anyways, we were arguing about LeBron, and about him once again deferring and passing the ball in crunch-time, and I said that LeBron’s problem is that, in hindsight, he really seems to have played in the wrong era.

If LeBron had played in the 80s when the level of scrutiny wasn’t even as close as it is now, with the often ridiculous 24/7 sports news cycle (ESPN, Facebook, Twitter, etc.), where everything is micro-analyzed to the point of irreverent absurdity, he’d probably have much less uncertainties and doubts about his abilities, skills, and the unmatched impact he can have on a game – particularly in the fourth quarter.

Now, there is no question – whatsoever – about LeBron’s talent. He is, unequivocally, the most talented player, in terms of his physical gifts and basketball IQ, in the history of professional basketball; and it’s not even as close as you’d initially think.

Fuck, for all we know, he probably might be the most amazing physical specimen to ever roam the earth, along with Bo Jackson, Usain Bolt’s legs, and Keith Richards.

Nevertheless, LeBron’s Achilles heel continues to be his mental makeup, or rather, his lack of mental toughness.

Bobby Knight once said that in basketball – and this I believe is the case as well for most forms of sport and competition, not excluding life in general – “mental is to physical, as 4 is to 1.”

Sadly, God made LeBron a pussy… Not LeBron’s fault that God likes to play games with us as if we’re some Sims in a video game, you know?

Now, if LeBron ever does figure all of that shit out… fuck man, it’s over for the rest of the league.

But then again, he’s an old 27 year old, with plenty minutes on those legs of his; his prime has around 2-3 years left, in my opinion… Having said that, if he ends up developing that post game he will probably never work at developing, he might very well become the best power forward ever, too (best SF ever already), and be an All-Star all the way up to age 40 – And no, I’m not kidding.

And really, that’s my personal issue with LeBron – he was given soooooo much talent, yet he doesn’t seem as interested as he should in developing it, nor seems to care as much as some other star players; like Kobe, say what you will about Kobe and his facial-fetish, but that motherfucker would light his entire family on fire, Keyser Soze style, to win a freaking preseason game. I mean, he went to Germany in the offseason and got that special medical procedure on his knee just to keep playing at a high level.

Let’s be honest here, do you think LeBron would do that? To be fair, however, I think he would if there was some special Rogaine Treatment going on instead… Hey, now!

But, really… LeBron? Basketball’s over for him the second that clock hits the 48 minute mark. Basketball is an accessory to his life, of which, whether people want to admit it or not, the main protagonist is his own ego and his desire to become a billionaire and one of the most powerful figures in the world… And there’s nothing wrong with LeBron choosing not to choose basketball as the earth his life orbits around, that’s his freaking right. Much in the same way, it is my right – as the payer of 0.00001% of his salary – to hate on him for no real genuine reason other than because he’s the best player on the team that is not my team (Bulls fan, I am).

Still, you can’t stop there without taking a second to consider that for player like Kobe, Rose, or Durant (just to name a few) basketball is that Earth that they MUST orbit; for them, the rest is secondary – yet none of them have as much natural talent as LeBron has in his worst day as a basketball player.

Anyways, I don’t hate LeBron, nor have any genuine animosity towards him. I mean, by all accounts he’s a solid citizen, who cares about his Akron, OH community, and is very charitable towards underprivileged kids… And also, it would be stupid for me to waste that much energy on despising a millionaire who plays a game for a living and who doesn’t even know that I fucking exist.

But then again, I still can’t help but notice in deconstructing LeBron James, so many of the instances we occasionally experience in everyday life where naturally gifted individuals can’t really make it happen when it counts, because they lack that special something, that Austin Powers Mojo; the one thing that separates the amazingly great, from the legendary legends.

And for me, that, in and of itself, is the most interesting thing that the enigma of LeBron James offers to the rest of us mortal creatures who can’t jump higher than ten inches and who have to be conformed with 6-inch penises (on a good day); that watching the LeBron James era unfold is like watching a Greek Tragedy that you already know the ending of.

The only difference is that the ending of this story hasn’t been written just yet, so there’s something LeBron can do change the outcome, and there’s really no legitimate reason not to admit the existence of one’s very own weaknesses and limitations and make sure to put in the necessary hard-work/dedication to transform those into strengths as powerful as a Street Fighter Hadouken.

So there you have it, LeBron; ball’s in your court, it’s in your very hands – you can change the ending of the story…

But wait… No! Good God! Is that… is that Donyell Marshall wide open in the corner?!

Don’t do it, LeBron! Don’t you dare fucking do it!

Resist, LeBron! Resist the temptation!

Lebroooooonnnnn!!!! No, LeBron!

Noooooooooooooooooo…

_______________________________________________

Alright then, so here are those NBA Playoff Predictions. We’ll have a more in-depth look into each match-up as the playoffs unfold and teams are sent fishing… and also as soon as the Bachster stops being a lazy bastard and finally decides to write an NBA Playoffs Breakdown, in which he probably will only talk about his man-crush on Tim Duncan (much deserved man-crush, to be fair).

NBA Playoff Predictions: Eastern Conference First Round

Chicago Bulls vs. Philadelphia 76ers

Analysis

I’ll give you a game, Philly. Nothing more, nothing less.

And good luck matching that stallion offense of yours against the Bulls’ meek defense.

Pick: Bulls in 5.

Boston Celtics vs. Atlanta Hawks

Analysis

If persistence really paid off, the Hawks would have 10 Championship banners by now… How much it is that they’re paying Joe Johnson again?

Pick: Celtics in 6.

Miami Heat vs. New York Knicks

Analysis

Dear Knicks Fans,

Can you make sure to humiliate LeBron into his turtle-like shell with your pithy and clever insults? I know it’s difficult for New York fans to reduce themselves to such a low level of classless antics, but please, we feel that in this occasion such mistreatment is merited.

Sincerely,

Association of Basketball Fans who were “Stupefied and Mortified” by the Following Video:

Pick: Heat in 6.

Indiana Pacers vs. Orlando Magic

Analysis

Ewing Theory in play? Oh man, nothing – other than the Heat losing in the first round – would make me happier than seeing the face of the poor man’s Wilt Chamberlain, Dwight Howard, if Orlando goes on through to the Eastern Conference Semifinals without him.

Make this happen, David Stern! Tell ‘em refs to Donaghy this series!

Pick: Magic in 7.

NBA Playoff Predictions: Western Conference First Round

San Antonio Spurs vs. Utah Jazz

Analysis

Dominance.

Pick: Spurs in 5.

Memphis Grizzlies vs. LA Clippers

Analysis

Lob City jumped the shark as soon as ESPN introduced the Blake-Alert on Sportscenter… Still, CP3 will make this series go the Clippers way, so that then Tim Duncan can school Blake in the Western Conference Semifinals.

Pick: Clippers in 7.

Oklahoma Thunder vs. Dallas Mavericks

Analysis

I’m going for the upset alert here… and I have no decent, much less reasonable, argument for it. Call it one of those George W. Bush’s gut feelings; and we all know that those worked out pretty damn well, right?

Pick: Mavs in 7.

LA Lakers vs. Denver Nuggets

Analysis

Another Rape for Kobe in Colorado.

Pick: Lakers in 5.

NBA Playoff Predictions: Eastern Conference Semifinals

Chicago Bulls vs. Boston Celtics

Analysis

Celtics lose after their Ensure packages do not arrive in time for this series.

Pick: Bulls in 6.

Miami Heat vs. Orlando Magic

Analysis

Dwight Howard dresses up for this series and begs for Stan Van Gundy’s forgiveness right before Game 3 of the series in front of a raucous home crowd at the Amway Arena in Orlando.

Down 2-0 in the series, but only down by one with a chance win Game 3, SVG designs the final play for Dwight with 7 seconds left to play.

As Dwight receives the ball as it is inbounded to him, he proceeds to throw it at SVG’s face – in a fashion that would have delighted Patches O’Houlihan in DodgeBall – and then proceeds to hit him with a chair three times; destroying Stan, and forever ruining his mustache, as the buzzer signals the end of the game.

Soon after, Dwight takes off his jersey to reveal to the crowd a Heat jersey behind it as the crowd boos unmercifully. Dwight, LeBron, and Wade grab some spray-painting cans and spray-paint the word “HEAT” on SVG’s fat back — (Bosh couldn’t make it to the post-game ceremonies as he had to hurriedly leave for a nail-salon appointment he’d scheduled for immediately after the game).

Pick: Heat in 5.

NBA Playoff Predictions: Western Conference Semifinals

San Antonio Spurs vs. LA Clippers

Analysis

School’s in session, Blake… Prof. Duncan has a few moves he wants to show you.

Pick: Spurs in 6.

LA Lakers vs. Dallas Mavericks

Analysis

No Tyson Chandler + No J.J. Barea’s ribs to viciously cheapshot Bynum’s elbow = (See Below):

Pick: Lakers in 7.

NBA Playoff Predictions: Eastern Conference Finals

Chicago Bulls vs. Miami Heat

Analysis

Fuck.

Pick: Heat in 6.

NBA Playoff Predictions: Western Conference Finals

San Antonio Spurs vs. LA Lakers

Analysis

TP + Gi-Nouu-Bi-liiii + Timmy = ‘Nuff Said.

Pick: Spurs in 6.

NBA Playoff Predictions: NBA Finals 2012

San Antonio Spurs vs. Miami Heat

Analysis

See why God gave those 5 heavy fingers to Pop?

Pick: Spurs in 7.

George Zimmerman Demotivational Posters… And A Rant Sprinkled With Some Preachy Pretentiousness

Well, the most unpredictable event in the history of mankind occurred a couple days ago when George Zimmerman was arrested and charged with the killing of Trayvon Martin – second-degree murder charges, biatches! As CNN’s Legal Analyst Jeffrey Toobin opined, “the prosecutor threw the book at Zimmerman.”

It’s been a while already, so we’re finally past that deadline where cold-hearted bastards like myself, can start adding some insult to injury to this kind of thing… Well, at least against Public Enemy No. 1, Mr. George “The Vigilante” Zimmerman — and, no, I’m not touching Trayvon Martin, as I don’t want Al Sharpton to keep making money off of this misfortune, er, continue his not-self-serving-at-all routine of protests right in front of my house, right here on Hellhole Island.

Anyways, scroll down if your attention span’s already gone, so you can feast upon our George Zimmerman Demotivational Posters, which were constructed much in the same insulting fashion as our Casey & OJ Demotivational Posters… However, if you’re in need of some preachy pretentiousness, allow me to say a couple of things about this sad story.

That’s precisely what this is: just really fucking sad… If you think about the fact that the lives of two young human-beings (one of them a teenager), have been ruined, and only because everything that could go wrong in the lives of both, George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin, went wrong during the mere lapse of a couple of minutes… I’m sure George Zimmerman would like to have those minutes back in a Lindsay Lohan heartbeat.

Now, if there’s one thing that I know it is that I know nothing about this case; other than (of course) what’s been out there in the news. Having said that, there’s a couple of things that I think that I know that may or may not be true, but that as of this moment – in my stupid head – come together in their independent and isolated nature to create a series of events that lead me to the following conclusions (that are in every way, shape, and form, my very own OPINION, and that by no means should be construed to mean that they are unequivocal facts)… And here they are:

• George Zimmerman did not mean to kill Trayvon Martin.
• George Zimmerman really cared about his community and the well-being of a neighborhood that had been the victim of an increasingly unsettling wave of crime in the previous couple of months.
• George Zimmerman took this neighborhood-watch volunteer thing a teensy bit too seriously.
• George Zimmerman should have, you know, paid fucking attention to the phone operator when he was told, in no uncertain terms, that he should not continue his pursuit of Trayvon Martin.
• George Zimmerman did not racially profile Trayvon Martin – he criminally profiled him.
• George Zimmerman is not a racist.
• No one knows what happened in the moments that unfolded in between the exact second that George Zimmerman hung up with the police operator, and the very instant that he and Trayvon Martin engaged each other in violence.
• Trayvon Martin was suitably and naturally scared/worried/edgy about having some stranger pursue him.
• Trayvon Martin confronted George Zimmerman.
• George Zimmerman became even more certain that Trayvon Martin was up to no good – maybe tried to detain him in some sort of citizen’s arrest procedure.
• Trayvon Martin resisted.
• A fight ensued.
• Trayvon Martin was winning the fight.
• Trayvon screamed for help – he was still scared even when beating the crap out of Zimmerman, and surely wanted no part of what was happening.
• Zimmerman reached for his gun…
• Based on the facts of the case that we’ve seen and learned of so far, George Zimmerman should be found guilty of manslaughter for Trayvon’s death.
• If it’d been the other way around, Trayvon Martin would have absolutely been detained and arrested at the scene and charged with murder.
• The Sanford Police Department showed some questionable judgment in the aftermath of the events that transpired, not unlike the one shown by George Zimmerman before and during the event all the way up to the tragic climax.
• Race was not a factor in both instances of questionable judgment – crime was.
• As true as that may end up being, it does not mean, in the very least, that there isn’t racial profiling in this country – particularly against blacks, Hispanics, and Arabs (to name a just a few) – which is as toxic an issue for the well-being and ultimate fate of the United States, as the current economic climate, Snooki’s vagina and the Tea Party.
• George Zimmerman did not think Trayvon Martin was up to no good because Trayvon was black.
• George Zimmerman thought Trayvon Martin was up to no good because he thought Trayvon was acting and looked like a criminal.
• George Zimmerman thought Trayvon Martin was acting and looked like a criminal because he was predisposed to reaching such a conclusion as a result of the immediate scenario unfolding in front of him which his brain processed under the light of his previous life experiences and which was not unlike the previous scenarios of crime that had occurred in the neighborhood recently and with increasing – not to mention worrying – frequency.
• Crime and Guns are more responsible for the death of Trayvon Martin, than George Zimmerman.

Other than Trayvon’s death, the thing’s that the most worrying about this tragedy is the inherent divisiveness that permeates in America that the aftermath and public reaction to this event has brought to the spotlight; both culturally and racially. America is really a divided country. And it has more to do with decades of social irresponsibility from most of those “in power”, than it has to do with race.

I feel so genuinely sorry for Trayvon Martin, but believe that – in an admittedly weird fashion – his death may end up being considered a costly sacrifice on his part that makes the rest of us all fall into a state of sincere introspection and honest contemplation about some of roads we may be unconsciously traveling in, and in which we should no longer do so – as a country and as individuals.

I like to think that as a result of this tragic event Blacks, Whites, Hispanics, Asians, Arabs, Red, Blue, Yellow, etc., will end up realizing that we have bigger things to worry about and bigger fishes (problems) to fry than Blacks, Whites, Hispanics, Asians, Arabs, Red, Blue, Yellow, etc… We’ll all end up finally figuring out that White problems are also Black problems, which are also Hispanic and Arab problems, and that a white kid from a suburban high-class family being bullied at school is as much a problem for the black community in the projects as it is for the white suburban family themselves. And that a young Arab having his civil liberties infringed upon as a direct result of the turban he’s wearing, or the God he prays to, is as much a predicament for the positive growth and development of this country for all Hispanics, as it is for the very community of Arabs. And that a young Hispanic girl coming home from a hard day’s work in Arizona, only to be stopped by the police for “looking illegal”, is as much a problem for Asians as it is for Hispanics… And that an unarmed teenager walking home from a convenience store with some Skittles and an Arizona Iced Tea on each one of his young hands, getting killed by a young Hispanic who really thought he was protecting his community from another crime and not from a black guy, is as much a problem for George Zimmerman’s family, friends and supporters as it is for Trayvon Martin’s family, friends and supporters… We share the same problems. And I am worse off if you are worse off, and you are worse off if I am worse off. It may seem stupid, it does sound corny; but it is nonetheless true. I guess the Bible finally had one right when it said “I am my brother’s keeper.”

Anyways, rest in peace, Trayvon…

In terms of you, George? I really feel sorry for you man, as I don’t think you’re an evil or even a bad dude; but the minute you got that gun you were automatically burdened with a higher responsibility by the rest of society to behave in a manner which conformed to that higher level of responsibility that was bestowed upon you – you did not stay in line with those standards. As such, the consequences of your actions are bigger, they are virtually overwhelming.

We all fuck up every once in a while. We all, at some juncture in our lives, have put ourselves in a position where our actions and comportment has failed to adhere to the responsibility standards expected by a civilized society, and in which we deserved a worse punishment than the one we ended up with. Some of us get second chances, or even third ones, etc… I guess some people, for whatever reason it may be, are luckier than others. George Zimmerman was just one of the unlucky ones; in the wrong place, at the wrong time… with a gun in his hands.

And for that, there’s a debt that he has to repay to society and to Trayvon Martin and his family…

And, to end on a much higher note than this party-pooper one I’ve tortured the two of you who’ve read this far with, Zimmerman will also have to be subjected to being the punch-line of some of our patented and infamous Demotivational Posters – you can’t say you didn’t have them coming, George…

(END OF RANT…)

Demotivational Posters: George Zimmerman Wisdom

Demotivational Posters: Death Wish VI… Starring George Zimmerman

Demotivational Posters: George Zimmerman Forgot the Rules of Racial Profiling

Demotivational Posters: George Zimmerman & Racism

Demotivational Posters: Casey Anthony & OJ Simpson Have Some Friendly Advice for George Zimmerman

(Editor’s Note: Image used for the Racial Profiling Demotivational Poster belongs to Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com)

Best Life Quotes: The Amazing Awesomeness Of Abraham Lincoln

If there one thing that you must know about me, even if it surely is so that you don’t give two fucks about what that is that, other than Single Ronnie (of course), Abraham Lincoln is my idol; and that’s for many reasons that I will eventually elaborate and expound on when I’m not as focused on laziness as I am at this particular moment — but here’s something to give you an idea…

(Picture Credit: Obama44worst ever)

So, recently I came across some pretty nice book on the Great Emancipator and some of his best speeches, thoughts, unparalleled wit, ahead-of-time wisdom – basically Lincoln’s best life quotes – and I just had to share some of that wisdom with you bastards so you can use and apply it in your life with the hope that one day, maybe just that one very lucky day, you may finally become the newest cast member of The Jersey Shore.

Anyways, the book is called: Abraham Lincoln: Quotes, Quips, and Speeches by Gordon Leidner, who’s a noted civil war author and has been a Lincoln expert for over 25 years. Leidner is also an expert in the art of “never been laid“.

Most of the quotes – actually, all of them – that you’ll see here come from that book, which has so many more quotes that are heavily perfumed with some of the amazing awesomeness that so effortlessly cascaded from that marvelous carbon unit that became our 16th President.

Alright, so it is now without any further a due that I present to you some of the best life quotes from arguably the greatest leader and one of the greatest minds the humankind has ever known: Abraham Lincoln… Educate yourselves, my procrastinating bastards!

(Picture Credit: The Bacharach Blog)

Lincoln Quotes: Leadership

While acting as their representative, I shall be governed by their will on all subjects upon which I have the means of knowing what their will is; and upon all others I shall do what my own judgment teaches me will best advance their interests.

Letter to the Editor of the Sangamo Journal in New Salem (1836).

Lincoln Quotes: Honesty

I have always wanted to deal with everyone I meet candidly and honestly. If I have made any assertion not warranted by facts, and it is pointed out to me, I will withdraw it cheerfully.

Second Debate with Stephen A. Douglas (1858).

I do not state a thing and say I know it when I do not… I mean to put a case no stronger than truth will allow.

Lincoln – Douglas Debates of 1858.

(Picture Credit: PeaceMonger.org)

Lincoln Quotes: Kindness

If a man had more than one life, I think a little hanging would not hurt this one, but after he is once dead we cannot bring him back, no matter how sorry we may be, so the boy shall be pardoned.

Lincoln explains his rationale for pardoning a soldier for desertion (1863).

Lincoln Quotes: Common Sense

When one is embarrassed, usually the shortest way to get through with it is to quit talking and thinking about it, and go at something else.

Abraham Lincoln Speech in Cincinnati, Ohio, on September 1859.

Quarrel not at all. No man resolved to make the most of himself can spare time for personal contention. Still less can he afford to take all the consequences, including the vitiation of his temper and loss of self-control. Yield larger things to which you can show no more than equal right; and yield lesser ones, though clearly your own. Better give your path to a dog than be bitten by him in contesting for the right. Even killing the dog would not cure the bite.

Letter to J. M. Cutts [Captain, United States Army], October 26, 1863.

George W. Bush was a faithful practitioner of this sort of wisdom. -- (Picture Credit: BrentDPayne)

Bad promises are better broken than kept.

Lincoln Speech on Reconstruction after the Civil War – April 11, 1865.

As a general rule, I abstain from reading reports of attacks upon myself, wishing not to be provoked by that to which I cannot properly offer an answer.

Abraham Lincoln in his Last Public Address – Washington, D.C., April 11, 1865.

Lincoln Quotes: Character

A man’s character is like a tree and his reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.

Lincoln Thoughts & Writings – November, 1942.

I have not permitted myself, gentlemen, to conclude that I am the best man in the country; but I am reminded, in this connection, of a story of an old Dutch farmer, who remarked to a companion once that ‘it was not best to swap horses when crossing streams.

Lincoln’s Speech at the 1864 National Union National Convention.

(Picture Credit: Jill_Ann)

Lincoln Quotes: Democracy

Most governments have been based, practically, on the denial of the equal rights of men… Ours began by affirming those rights.

Abraham Lincoln – Notes on Government (1854).

The legitimate object of government, is to do for a community of people, whatever they need to have done, but cannot do, at all, or cannot, so well do, for themselves in their separate, and individual capacities. In all that the people can individually do as well for themselves, government ought not to interfere.

Notes on Government (1854).

I trust I understand and truly estimate the right of self-government. My faith in the proposition that each man should do precisely as he pleases with all which is exclusively his own lies at the foundation of the sense of justice there is in me. I extend the principle to communities of men as well as to individuals.

1854 Speech at Peoria Illinois – On the Kansas-Nebraska Act.

Must a government, of necessity, be too strong for the liberties of its own people, or too weak to maintain its own existence?

Abraham Lincoln in his First Message to Congress, at the Special Session on July 4, 1861.

The true rule, in determining to embrace, or reject any thing, is not whether it have any evil in it; but whether it have more of evil, than of good. There are few things wholly evil, or wholly good. Almost everything, especially of governmental policy, is an inseparable compound of the two; so that our best judgment of the preponderance between them is continually demanded.

Lincoln Speech in the House of Representatives – June 20, 1848.

(Picture Credit: Missycaulk)

Lincoln Quotes: Humor

I feel like I once did when I met a woman riding horseback in the woods. As I stopped to let her pass, she also stopped, and, looking at me intently, said: “I do believe you are the ugliest man I ever saw.” Said I, “Madam, you are probably right, but I can’t help it!” “No,” said she, “you can’t help it, but you might stay at home!”

Lincoln and his classic story-telling at the Republican Editors of Illinois Convention.

This he cannot deny [Stephen A. Douglas]; and so he remembers to forget it.

Speech in Reply to the one Douglas Delivered at Chicago – July 10, 1858.

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Preachy Preachiness Alert!

Honestly, if you take at least one or two of those quotes and bits of wisdom from Honest Abe, maybe those few that you didn’t know of, and apply some of that wisdom and knowledge towards the way you go about doing shit and living life, then I think it’s fair to say that you will still amount to nothing in life… (No, I am not a sociopath. And yes, I am kidding.)

Be Unproductive!

(Pssst… Take a look/listen at this next video — Do it now, dammit!)

So now, without any further a due, here’s Mickey Jax with one of my favorite Intellectual Situations ever — along with Mickey’s effort into deconstructing the brain of Michele Bachmann, and his breakdown of State Capitalism — which is also genuinely worthy of a spot on any major newspaper’s Op-Ed section…

Intellectual Situation 12.0: Mittens, a.k.a Mitt Romney, Won Puerto Rico Primary… So What? — By Mickey Jax

Mitt Romney won the Puerto Rico primary. Why we have primaries in Puerto Rico escapes me. We can’t vote in the presidential elections, so why would we count in the preliminary match?

(CNN) — Mitt Romney heads in to Illinois’s presidential primary this week with a handy win in Puerto Rico, pocketing the territory’s 20 GOP delegates in a bruising race that has become a numbers game for the Republican nomination.

With about 83% of total ballots accounted for early Monday in Puerto Rico, Romney had garnered more than 98,000 votes — or 83% of the total — based on unofficial results obtained from local party and election officials.

Let me introduce Uncle Tom; my new literary ploy. He’s modeled after this dude I’ve known since my high school days, a committed conservative – and possibly more aristocratic and flavorless than William F. Buckley. Uncle Tom has made a few arguments about why we should support Romney. He pointed out how Romney has taken pity on our island’s dilemma, the Portorikanischefrage if you’ll let me be that pretentious: our status as part of the United States.

Romney went on record saying he’ll support statehood for Puerto Rico. You know, just like all the other republicans that have to come to our island to pander for votes.

Uncle Tom makes a pretty good case about how we’re getting shortchanged. Our only representation in the House is a nonvoting member, and no representation in the Senate. As a state, that would change to about six or seven House members and two Senators. We also get shortchanged in money. We’d get more federal subsidies as a state than what we get now…

But Uncle Tom, what about your party’s base?

I get the feeling the GOP is so compartmentalized they don’t recognize their own hypocrisy. It’s better described as schizophrenia, double personality disorder, doppelgangerism, etc, ad nauseam, *insert even more pretentious sounding latinate word here*.

The Republican base is xenophobic beyond belief, even if they say otherwise. They’re ready to support a nationwide immigration policy modeled after Arizona, but they’ll let a territory that’s virtually 100% Hispanic become a state? But what about the federal subsidies? Yes, Puerto Rico would get more money from the federal coffers as a state, but republicans are talking about lower taxes, which would result in the federal government having less revenue, which means less subsidies.

Can you feel my incredulity?

Xenophobia and less federal government weren’t enough for them. Glenn Beck, mouthpiece for the disgruntled Republican base, has already lambasted us for having statehood dreams. He offers an argument that’s even more twisted than his linguistic and historical ignorance when he tells people Nazis were progressives because their full name was the National Socialist German Worker’s Party. According to the Encyclopaedia Brittanica (I purposefully bypassed Wikipedia to avoid accusations of it being “corrupt” because anyone can edit it), National Socialism is defined as follows:

… In its intense nationalism, mass appeal, and dictatorial rule, National Socialism shared many elements with Italian Fascism. However, Nazism was far more extreme both in its ideas and in its practice. In almost every respect it was an anti-intellectual and atheoretical movement…

Who does that sound like? I digress…

How can you top that? I’ll admit it’s actually quite simple given the name of the party in power back home, the New Progressive Party. Their current leadership is very much in line with at least the Republican Party’s economic and social stance. Unfortunately, they’re implicitly in line with the xenophobia and race baiting since their critiques of them amount to crickets chirping or coquíes singing.

Glenn Beck, deep sufferer of Nazi Tourette’s, makes the race baiting argument that making Puerto Rico’s inclusion as a state is part of a progressive conspiracy to further the fundamental transformation of the United States. He cites their party platform as proof of this:

The New Progressive Party adopts the Tennessee Plan as an additional strategy for the decolonization and the claim for the admission of Puerto Rico as the 51st State of the United States of America.

What the hell is the Tennessee Plan? According to the latest territory that used it successfully, Alaska, the Tennessee Plan consists of electing a congressional delegation and sending them on to DC before congress has even ratified, deliberated, voted on, or wiped their asses with a statehood act. The New Progressive Party is in favor of using such tactics to demand statehood from congress. Since “progressive” is in their party name, Glenn Beck brands this as a progressive bullying tactic.

The New Progressive Party… the New Progressive Party… just because you keep repeating that mantra it doesn’t mean they’re progressive in the least. Look at the fuss they made over Agapito’s “indiscretion” at the sex shop, or how much of a scandal Roberto Arango’s nudie pics.

So many contradictions to deal with for “Mittens”, who has already put his foot in his mouth saying he supported Arizona’s immigration law as national policy. He had the good sense to “retract” himself a bit, but that just gives his opponents more fodder for flip-flopping accusations.

Mitt Romney being Mitt Romney, his flip-flopping is going to get increasingly worse as he navigates the politically correct line. I’ll gladly bet my car the first thing he drops will be his cynical promise to support statehood for Puerto Rico.
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(Editor’s Note: A couple of bonuses here for you, the first one’s that hilarious video from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, where Lewis Black so beautifully elaborates on why Glenn Beck, as Mickey just claimed, is a deep sufferer of Nazi Tourette’s… and then one of our patented and infamous Demotivational Posters honoring Mitt Romney and his juggling talents — Enjoy!)

Glenn Beck, is a deep sufferer of Nazi Tourette’s…

Mitt Romney Demotivational Poster