Clients From Hell

Client: Good news! We’re doubling the wordcount for your articles from 500 to 1000 words! Me:...

Sat, 26 May 2012 13:16:47 -0700

Client: Good news! We’re doubling the wordcount for your articles from 500 to 1000 words!

Me: Great! I could use the extra cash.

Client: Well, it’s still the same number of articles. The pay will stay the same.

A Hardcopy Clients From Hell

Sat, 26 May 2012 10:38:28 -0700

Do you ever find the internet a strange and frightening place? Have you begun to suspect the sexy singles in your area may not be as sincere as they seem? We’ve been quietly figuring out how to distill the entire Clients From Hell experience in an offline and portable format, easily digestible by anyone with a sense of humour and a second grade reading level. After putting the site’s profits into this problem, someone pointed out a book does all of these things. And that we already have a book.

No citrus parties, no awkward girl to cup ratios, and no wasted bandwidth! When everyone reaches for their smart phone at your next social event, pull out the Clients From Hell book for a retro-twist on not paying attention to those around you.

BookMD from New York describes it as “laugh-out-loud funny, in a horrible kind of a way.”

Jpsthree’s says “I leave it on my desk.”

TerryH describes how it shifted his perspective on life when it “[m]akes you realize there are alot of people out there who are, well…OUT THERE…know what I mean? HA!”

HA! See why the Clients From Hell book has 4.5 stars on Amazon. For your paper-haters, there’s a Kindle version too.

Client: We need you to put a watermark on all of our photos for the website so that no one can steal...

Fri, 25 May 2012 13:20:58 -0700

Client: We need you to put a watermark on all of our photos for the website so that no one can steal them.

Me: Okay. I’ll need the original photos in a digital format so I can start placing the watermark on them before I upload them onto the new site.

Client: No, no. Just get online and take the photos from [competitor’s site].

Me: You mean the photos that have their name watermarked over them so that people can’t steal them?

Client: Yes. Just photoshop out their watermark and then put our watermark on top.

Me: That’s illegal.

Client: No its not. Those photos are on Google. Anyone can use them.

Halfway through an in-depth presentation I was making… Client: I wish you were wearing nothing...

Fri, 25 May 2012 10:41:12 -0700

Halfway through an in-depth presentation I was making…

Client: I wish you were wearing nothing but those shoes.

I should mention I was making this presentation to a room full of people.

Client from another century

Thu, 24 May 2012 10:34:18 -0700

To be fair, this client is more of an old acquaintance that I’ve more or less adopted. He shows up every couple of years with a new idea he needs help with. The latest is a one page website for his wood sculptures. He does all his email and web browsing at the library and calls from a pay phone.

Client: I noticed down at the bottom where my email address is that when I click it, it launches some kind of email thing.

Me: What’s the problem? Is that the wrong email?

Client: No, it’s the right email, I just don’t want that on my website. That technology has got to be expensive and I don’t want to be paying for that. So just take it off. I just want my email there so people can read it. I don’t need any of this fancy stuff that makes things pop up.

Me: That’s how every email address on every site in the world works. It doesn’t cost anything. It’s just a hyperlink that launches your email client.

Client: You mean that doesn’t cost extra to make that happen?

Me: No. But now I’m curious. What do you normally do when you see an email address on a site and want to email them?

Client: I just get out a pen and paper and write it down. Then I go to my Hotmail account and type in their email. Isn’t that what everyone does?

Me: Nope, you’re probably the only one.

Client: Okay then.

He paid me in a vial of gold nuggets, a mini-sewing machine and a fishing knife. He offered me a homemade surfboard, but I didn’t have room for it at my place.

In the middle of an hours-long business meeting with a client to discuss advertising design, she...

Wed, 23 May 2012 13:21:26 -0700

In the middle of an hours-long business meeting with a client to discuss advertising design, she commented on my pregnancy, asked how it was going and then offered to purchase my baby in cash. She said that as soon as her business deal went through, she had planned on finding a pregnant woman who would sell her baby to her.

She told me “this deal is good for millions. I’ll be able to afford the best nanny.”

Client: Can you send me this logo with no background? Me: Okay. Client: You sent me a PNG. Why? Me:...

Wed, 23 May 2012 10:41:09 -0700

Client: Can you send me this logo with no background?

Me: Okay.

Client: You sent me a PNG. Why?

Me: PNGs are transparent.

Client: Then what is this gray and white checkered background? I said no background.

Me: That means it is transparent. It wont show up.

Client: But I can see it.

Me: Scout’s honor, that background will show up transparent. JPGs backgrounds can’t be transparent.

Client: Is there a way to get rid of the white background on the jpg?

Me: Yeah, but it can only to be replaced with another color.

Client: Send me a transparent JPG.

Me: But… JPGs aren’t transparent.

Client: I’m sure you can figure out a solution.

I hid the file extension and added .jpg to the file name. My client couldn’t be more pleased with his computer wizardry.

Client Catch 22

Tue, 22 May 2012 13:21:23 -0700

Client: So the reason you stopped updating the website is because I didn’t pay you your three months of outstanding maintenance invoices?

Me: I could have also suspended your account, but I kept it running out of courtesy for your business.

Client: But there’s been no work done to the website since two months ago - why should I pay you when you haven’t done anything since I stopped paying you?

Me: Please, just take a second to think about that.

Client: I don’t know, it seems like you’re only motivated by money.

Me: According to the contract you signed, I am still owed 2% of the merchandise you sold. Client: It...

Tue, 22 May 2012 10:23:57 -0700

Me: According to the contract you signed, I am still owed 2% of the merchandise you sold.

Client: It didn’t add up to much.

Me: How much?

Client: Not much.

Me: I still want it.

Client: We don’t think it’s worth writing the check.

Me: Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?

The following took place outside a rural dentist’s office. The client requested an electric sign...

Mon, 21 May 2012 13:53:25 -0700

The following took place outside a rural dentist’s office. The client requested an electric sign that that was a full-color copy of their business card. Four weeks and thousands later…

Client: Wow, that turned out just perfect! My husband is going to be so pleased to see that up when he gets back.

Me: I’m glad you like it, we’re very happy how it all came together.

A crane truck and two installers hoisted the sign in the air, attached it to the 16′ pole and turned the lighting on.

Client: Oh wait, that’s not right, you need to take it down now, I don’t believe this! I want our money back!

Me: What’s wrong?

Client: Well look at it, can’t you tell? It’s not right, it’s not the same as our card.

Me: Now ma’am, both you and your husband approved the design, you signed off on the comps, the shop drawings, the contracts and all the permits. We just can’t be expected to–

Client: Any fool can see that these do not look the same! Oh, my husband is going to be so mad with you people!

Me: But why? We worked closely with you on every step of the approval process, they are identical in every way.

Client: Just look at this and you can see how different they are!

She holds the business card up at arm’s length and closes one eye.

Client: Look! Look! The sign, it’s just so much…bigger!

Photo

Mon, 21 May 2012 10:37:21 -0700

Client: I have inserted a photo in the powerpoint presentation that you need to resize for a...

Mon, 21 May 2012 09:10:33 -0700

Client: I have inserted a photo in the powerpoint presentation that you need to resize for a billboard.

Me: That image is not big enough.

Client: I’m not following?

Me: The image needs to be in a high enough resolution to be printed on such formats.

Client: Well, make the resolution high enough.

Me: I can’t do that, it’s impossible. I’ll need you to send the original.

Client: What am I paying you for, exactly?

Me: My expertise in design and image editing.

Client: Well, this seems pretty basic to me.

Me: Me too.

"We need someone who sounds Hispanic, but doesn’t have an accent."

Sun, 20 May 2012 20:09:21 -0700

“We need someone who sounds Hispanic, but doesn’t have an accent.”

- Client’s description of their ideal voice actor

Client: Please edit the attached 241 page manuscript. Each page is a seperate document - sorry about...

Fri, 18 May 2012 10:40:11 -0700

Client: Please edit the attached 241 page manuscript. Each page is a seperate document - sorry about that.

Each page was also a .jpg

An incredibly low-resolution .jpg

Me: About my pay - it’s been 4 weeks since the due date and I haven’t received any money...

Thu, 17 May 2012 13:20:35 -0700

Me: About my pay - it’s been 4 weeks since the due date and I haven’t received any money yet.

Client: What? Why are you wasting my time with this? It isn’t an issue until it’s at least 6 weeks overdue.

"You’re a designer, your brain is different. My customers are normal people. Do you need me to..."

Thu, 17 May 2012 10:25:20 -0700

“You’re a designer, your brain is different. My customers are normal people. Do you need me to talk slowly until you understand that?”

- Someone with a normal brain.

Client: I think my keyboard is broken. Me: What makes you think that? Client: When I login and type...

Wed, 16 May 2012 13:22:33 -0700

Client: I think my keyboard is broken.

Me: What makes you think that?

Client: When I login and type my password, whatever key I press shows up as a little black dot.

Me: How do you want your customers to pay for your products on your site? I suggest using...

Wed, 16 May 2012 10:28:00 -0700

Me: How do you want your customers to pay for your products on your site? I suggest using PayPal.

Client: What’s PayPal? Can I just have them send cash or write checks and mail it to my address?

Me: We’ll add security to your contact form so that you won’t get spammed. No one likes...

Tue, 15 May 2012 13:18:00 -0700

Me: We’ll add security to your contact form so that you won’t get spammed. No one likes that.

Client: Actually, I enjoy spam every now and then.

Me: Spam in your inbox?

Client: They can do that!?

The client was thinking of the meat Spam.

Client: Make the logo bigger. Me: There really isn’t any space. Client: Make space. I make the...

Tue, 15 May 2012 10:30:00 -0700

Client: Make the logo bigger.

Me: There really isn’t any space.

Client: Make space.

I make the image a bit smaller and the logo 3% larger.

Client: Whoa whoa whoa! No need to make the logo Mario on mushrooms!

I make the image 2% larger than the original.

Client: Now it seems smaller than what we started with! Why don’t you put a bit of thought into this and stop making such ridiculous changes!?