Clients From Hell

"I want it to say in big red letters: ‘Come here! It’s hip!’. You know, so the young..."

Fri, 03 Sep 2010 03:40:47 -0700

““I want it to say in big red letters: ‘Come here! It’s hip!’. You know, so the young people will come.””

"I don’t care if the text doesn’t make sense, it looks symmetrical now."

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 09:16:48 -0700

“I don’t care if the text doesn’t make sense, it looks symmetrical now.”

Client: “I received your quote. Would you like to know what I think of it? Me: ...

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 08:00:53 -0700

Client: “I received your quote. Would you like to know what I think of it?

Me: “Yes?”

Client: (Places both hands around his throat, sticks out his tung, rolls his eyes and starts making loud, guttural choking noises)

"Please erase all other google search results showing our competitors websites immediately. If you..."

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 11:26:46 -0700

“Please erase all other google search results showing our competitors websites immediately. If you cannot do this, we’ll be forced to take legal action against you.”

Really, I'm not.

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 07:57:04 -0700

My client wanted me to meet with his boss and asked me to ride with him. I agreed and got into the passenger seat of his car where I immediately noticed part of a girl’s weave on the floor.

Me: “What’s the hair on your floor from?”

Client: “Oh that’s just pet hair. Some dog or something must have left it behind.”

Me: “(Slight confused pause, knowing I should not press the matter but too curious to not continue) This is definitely human hair. I can see the end of the weave.”

Client: “Oh, well, um, no. I think it’s probably dog hair. It must be dog hair. (Long pause) Maybe it’s hair, I don’t know. It’s not like I’m a murderer or anything. Don’t go snooping for fingernails or anything like that. (Awkward laugh)”

Me: “(Long pause with probably a somewhat quizzical look on my face) Yea.. I wasn’t thinking that at—”

Client: “And I’m not a cross-dresser or anything like that. I’m not gay. (Long pause) Can we not talk about this anymore? I’d like to just act like this conversation didn’t happen.”

Me: “Yea, that’s perfectly fine.”

Client: “I’m really not gay.”

(Nothing was then said for the rest of the 25 minute car ride.)

No questions asked

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 12:00:49 -0700

I can’t pay for this right now, but I have about a dozen old computers in my garage. I’ll tell you what: If you design this for me, I’ll give you an hour alone in there with no questions asked.

Client: “I am having a problem closing my cup holder on my computer. Can you help...

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 08:00:45 -0700

Client: “I am having a problem closing my cup holder on my computer. Can you help me?”

Me: “Your computer does not have a cup holder, are you talking about your CD-ROM drive?”

Client: “Oh is that what its for?”

“I don’t want any sound on the commercial, the text needs to be smaller, and the logo is...

Mon, 30 Aug 2010 14:44:13 -0700

“I don’t want any sound on the commercial, the text needs to be smaller, and the logo is up for too long. I want this commercial to be like an Easter egg hunt. I want people to have to look for information and search for the logo.”

[A few months later we were making a “Going Out of Business” commercial.]

"Unfortunately we do not like any of your logos so we will stop working with. That also means we..."

Sat, 28 Aug 2010 08:00:45 -0700

““Unfortunately we do not like any of your logos so we will stop working with. That also means we cannot pay you. We posted the job on designcrowd.com now and are sending you the link in case you want to participate in the contest.””

"You mean every time you do work for us, you charge us?"

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 12:00:46 -0700

““You mean every time you do work for us, you charge us?””

Me: “Worst case scenario, you can just email the text in the body of an...

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 08:00:44 -0700

Me: “Worst case scenario, you can just email the text in the body of an email.”

Client: ”I will print, scan to pdf and resend via email shortly.”

I had spent considerable time photographing a local actor for the part of Hamlet using gridded spots...

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 12:00:46 -0700

I had spent considerable time photographing a local actor for the part of Hamlet using gridded spots to create quite a beautiful moody and dramatic look. The ad runs in the paper with the image looking like it was taken with an on-camera flash. I quickly call the theater and am told by the PR person that “You could only see one half of his face, so I ran it through the “auto-levels” feature in Photoshop before sending it to the newspaper.”

"We need to talk about these alleged “invoices"

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 08:00:45 -0700

“We need to talk about these alleged “invoices””

Client’s Assistant: “He wants it simple yet dramatic, I’ve attached samples. Please...

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 12:01:45 -0700

Client’s Assistant: “He wants it simple yet dramatic, I’ve attached samples. Please call me if I haven’t been clear.”

[The client attached an image of center justified Times New Roman text surrounded by a box]

"Can we have gold on our website, or will that cost us more?"

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 08:00:46 -0700

““Can we have gold on our website, or will that cost us more?””

Me: You don’t have a copy of the logo? Client: No. I dunno. We lost it. Me: Ok, then try...

Tue, 24 Aug 2010 12:00:46 -0700

Me: You don’t have a copy of the logo?

Client: No. I dunno. We lost it.

Me: Ok, then try contacting the designer who made your logo for you. I’m sure he won’t mind sending you another copy.

Client: No, no, we can’t let him know how to reach us.

Me: What? Why not?

Client: Because then we’d have to pay him!

"Can you make the download button fly all around the website. We want to show that we are..."

Tue, 24 Aug 2010 08:00:44 -0700

““Can you make the download button fly all around the website. We want to show that we are technically superior.””

Client: “How large is the font on the webpage?” Me: “It’s pretty big - 13...

Mon, 23 Aug 2010 18:19:59 -0700

Client: “How large is the font on the webpage?”

Me: “It’s pretty big - 13 point.”

Client: “Well, I’m about 8 feet away from the computer and I am still having a hard time reading it. Let’s make it bigger.”

“Please color this page for us so we can see your creativity. This will help us decide...

Mon, 23 Aug 2010 14:08:35 -0700

“Please color this page for us so we can see your creativity. This will help us decide whether or not to hire you.” Attached is a child’s coloring page, a picture of a cat playing electric guitar.

Me: “Have you had time to look over the proposal?” Client: “We really like your...

Sun, 22 Aug 2010 12:02:46 -0700

Me: “Have you had time to look over the proposal?”

Client: “We really like your illustration style, very artsy. But, we don’t feel you can put a price on art. So can you do it for free?”