Cliffieland

Top Chef Texas: Key Party

2012-01-29T19:03:00.000-05:00

January 25, 2012

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs really brought the goods (and the movie-themed product placement) in cooking a "wicked" dish for Charlize Theron. Everyone made excellent food, but they sent home Beverly anyway. Then, in Redemption Kitchen, she beat Nyseha and came closer to actually coming back.

You know how I said last week something big was happening? Well, it involves moving my entire life thousands of miles, et al. It's a good thing. But it takes priority over this lil' ole' blog.

And it's a good thing it happens this week because ...

This week, we all fell asleep.

What happened?

With Beverly gone, we didn't have the chefs beating up on anyone.

Most of the six remaining chefs were unable to foresee that, having a challenge sponsored by a purportedly healthy frozen food company, they'd be asked to make healthier food than usual.

Chris, The Rubber Band Man, was as annoying as ever and was frightened by bees.

Grayson said "awesome" another 12 times.

Sarah didn't want to compete against her fellow mean girl, Lindsey.

Lindsey made better meatballs, which put Sarah The Entitled at risk.

Sarah The Entitled felt she was nearly eliminated because she didn't know that guest judge Cat Cora doesn't care for tarragon.

Edward was slightly less dickish this week and was happy to go up against his friend, Paul, since he wants to beat the best.

Paul overcame his Beverly moment in the Quickfire (he missed getting a necessary ingredient on the plate by seconds) and won his umpty--umpth challenge. This means that he, of course, is guaranteed not to win the entire clam bake when this is all over.

And Chris was finally voted off the island. (Seriously, I haven't wished someone would hold a chef down and clipper off all his hair since ... well, you know.)

And over in ...

Redemption Kitchen

Chris arrives at the Casa Cuisine and doesn't understand Tom's letter about meeting him in "the kitchen." So, he stands around the house's kitchen talking to the bric-a-brac like someone who thinks he's funny ... but really, really, really isn't. (Well, he may be funnier than Tom tries to be, but botulism is funnier than Tom, so that's not saying much.)

Finally, when he lays off the stupid juice, he arrives in the Darkened Kitchen Of Recycled Quickfires and sees Beverly, last week's Nyseha-dethroner. We get another obligatory, "Hey, do you all still hate Beverly?" from Tom and the challenge commences. This one is another retread involving a mystery box that appears every few minutes. They'll each have to prepare a dish using each of these ingredients.

Mostly, it serves to force me to look at Horrible Heather's Horrible Mug again.

When it's all done, Beverly has the better dish and is only one chef away from re-entering the competition.

Which should be exciting. Unless it's the next-eliminated chef who gets to come back.

In which case, it'll be as boring as this last episode.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs will have to beg, borrow and steal ingredients from people in Central Park who will have to be their muses for the next challenge. (Did I mention I don't have the wherewithal to pay attention to things too closely this week?)

Top Chef Texas: Something Co-Branded This Way Comes

2012-01-22T19:05:00.000-05:00

January 18. 2012

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs did the usual restaurant wars thing. After being divided into men vs. women, the usual bickerfest and service-related drama took place. The women won, Beverly got the nod for best work, to the consternation of Sarah and Lindsey. The men lost and the photoriffic My Ty-Lör went off to be knocked off in the Redemption Kitchen by Nyesha.

You know how I usually whine about other stuff I got going? Well, this time it involves a (positive) major life event involving pulling up stakes and moving far, far away. And, as these things take many weeks, it will likely adversely affect my blogging the rest of the season. So, please forgive.

So, we left this with Sarah being a complete loon to Beverly's face about how the previous week's challenge went and how she thought that Lindsey should have been the winner for some insane reason. I thought I'd give the woman the benefit of the doubt, thinking that perhaps it had to do with her decision to hide the kitchen from the judges (something the men didn't do, to their peril). But, nooooo. She just thought that Lindsey deserved the hosannas for having "held the team together." As if.

Which means that both Sarah and Lindsey are on my list of chefs I most want to see lose. Which means they won't.

Quickfire Challenge

The chefs are confronted with a bizarre baggage carousel-like conveyor belt challenge where odd food items appear and disappear on the food-go-round. They can grab the crappy stuff that comes out first and have more time to prepare their dishes or they can wait for the "good" stuff and lose valuable time. This only works as comedy in that you get to see Chris the Slobtacular lose some lobsters on the carousel twice before snatching them at the last second. Not that it helped him win the challenge or anything.

But the drama is really seeing Beverly freak out when at the last second she realizes that she's forgotten to put one of her mandatory three ingredients on the plate, despite its being ready. And, to add insult to injury, Padma and guest judge Eric The Ripper tell her that, had she managed that one extra thing, she would have won the challenge (and immunity) "by a mile."

So, a mile behind is Lindsey's dish, which earns her the backhanded victory. Golf claps all around.

Elimination Challenge

For the elimination challenge, Padma introduces Oscar winner Charlize Theron, who is starring in ABC's Once Upon A Time as the evil queen terrorizing Snow White. (I think that's what it was. They didn't really say. Odd, that.) And for the challenge, the chefs will have to create a gothic dish themed to appropriately promote the entertainment vehicle.

The chefs rush off to the Quick Check for supplies, and we get footage of Beverly being goofy and banging into things. All that's missing is a Lucy Carmichael-esque scene of her pulling the bottom grapefruit off a pyramid of fruit and having them all come crashing down onto a frustrated Mr. Mooney.

At the Casa Cuisine (Mini San Antonio Edition, not to be confused with energy sucking Mega McMansion Edition, which I'd bet ya is the sequester house for the eliminated chefs), the chefs sit around and Paul tells everyone to play nice the following day. It's clear that this is everyone's "subtle" way of telling Beverly not to stomp over everyone in her way in the kitchen.

Cut to Beverly nodding at this with seemingly no idea that this entire conversation is being directed at her. (Or so, the edit would suggest.)

Come time to dine, we learn a few things.

Charlize is really looking forward to her characterization of Elphaba in this upcoming screened version of Wicked.

Tom has the most awful sense of humor. I mean, it's so bad, I wanted to break the screen. I suspect he thinks he slays with knock-knock jokes and witty puns.

Grayson takes things really literally. And she has a pretty damn dark sense of things for someone who says "awesome" every six words.

If I hear the gang promote this NBC series Grimm (that's what they were promoting, right?) one more time, I'm gonna have more than a chicken claw to hang from the chandelier.

And Sarah should really reexamine how she makes risotto if every judge who's tasted hers has suggested it's not cooked properly.

In the end, all the chefs are praised immensely for their macabre dishes, and we really can't see how they'd eliminate anyone. Tom, of course, thinks it will be "fun" to nitpick the small details to make someone lose out for some beyond subtle, ultra-subjective reason.

So, Beverly is sent packing. Sob.

Redemption Kitchen

Land-a-goshen, who'da thunk that this webby extra would be host to the most entertaining thing of the entire season. It's actually raising my expectations for the OMG faces on the finalists when they see Tom come in and re-introduce the series' winner to the contest.

Unless it's the one last eliminated chef, in which case it'll be as much a snoozefest as I had expected at the onset.

In any case, Dopey Beverly goes up against Nyseha. Tom reveals to Bev that her challenger has eliminated more than half (?) of the competition at this stage. And Heather the Talking Wildebeest has to get in the first dig, joining about everyone else predicting that Nyesha will take down Beverly in short order.

As for the challenge, the two will be cooking a fish and they are led to believe that the twist is that they'll each only get one pass at the pantry to collect all the ingredients and equipment they'll need for their dish.

But ... surprise! A couple minutes in, Doughy Tom jogs into the kitchen (he really needs to jog more) and announces that the two are to immediately swap stations and cook with what the other has picked out.

This does not please Nyesha one. little. bit.

Hey, I was on her side for most of this season. But our gal is seriously competitive and didn't gain points with me for downplaying Bev's chances. (Not to mention her strange grudge against Ty-Lör, which, interviews suggest, he had no clue about.)

So, after the usual whining about having to use Asian ingredients, Nyesha makes her fine dish. (What is it with this series and people complaining about other people always cooking Asian dishes? That may have surpassed "I am not a pastry chef" as the most overplayed tune of the series.)

And, as time counts down, the members of the Nyseha Cheer Squad start to lose their shit when they see that with seemingly seconds left, Beverly still hadn't touched her fish. Still, somehow, she manages to get it done just as time expires.

Come time for Man Of Mirth, Tom, to judge, he loves both dishes, but cheerfully nitpicks to pick a winner. And, based on the level of seasoning alone, the win goes to ... Beverly!

The cast is clearly overjoyed.

And Beverly doesn't seem to get it.

Same as it ever was.

Next time on Top Chef: We get a visit from British Indie Rock band Bloc Party. (I mean, what else could the episode name mean?) And the chefs face off head-to-head, which gives mean girls Sarah and Lindsey a case of the sadz. Frowny face.

Top Chef Texas: Restaurant Spats

2012-01-15T19:54:00.000-05:00

January 11, 2012

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs were tortured for the second time this season by being made to stay up all night on the theory that barbecue can only be accomplished if the food's preparers are seeing double by the time it's served. Sarah wound up going to the hospital suffering from heat exhaustion at one point and nearly went home. And, in the end, Chris The Pretty was sent packing for having misused a sugary soda drink and making an "inedible" sauce.

Hey all. You know how each season's Restaurant Wars episode is supposed to be the most anticipated episode each season? Well, around this household the opposite is true. Mostly because it always ends up with one (or sometimes, two) teams screwing things up royally since, oh, I don't know, because it's insane to suggest anyone can realistically take a restaurant from concept to execution in five hours and deliver great service and great food. We are always treated to Padma and Tom complaining about not being greeted or served and most every time we lose a pretty decent chef before his or her time.

And for some reason, Tom seems proud of this fact.

So, not only do we not get any later-that-evening footage of people moaning that they're down one more chef, nor do we get shots of the chefs in various states of undress the next morning, but this time we don't even get a Quickfire Challenge.

Nope, this week, the chefs walk right into an empty space where Grayson properly guesses that it's time for the Restaurant Wars ...

Elimination Challenge

And this time it's ... a battle of the sexes!

It's a very cutting edge concept.

Hence, we have Ty-Lör, Paul, Edward and "Chef Phil McCracken" (aka Chris) facing off against Beverly, Sarah, Lindsay and Grayson, Queen Of "Awesome."

What this means is that the forced storyline of Edward The Dickish vs. Sarah The SuperTexan will have to take a back seat this week while we develop "whole. new. rivalries," or so promised the Bravo production squad.

So, within seconds of the challenge being announced, we jump right into said new rivalry. And we discover that now that HeatherHag's gone, her bestie, Sarah has absorbed her douchey energy and is going full-bore at Beverly. Even accounting for the new villain edit, it's pretty clear that, once again, Beverly is making attempts to put forth her ideas for her contribution to a team challenge and Sarah and Lindsey are shooting them down one by one.

At one point, Bev, perhaps a mite passive-agressively, complains that she has to do something, and Sarah turns on the charm. And by "charm" we mean she starts speaking to Beverly like she was a slow third-grader having trouble understanding what the time-out corner means.

It lasts all episode.

Meanwhile, the annual Top Chef Restaurant Wars Goofus vs. Gallant hijinks ensue.

The men are seen convivially collaborating to deliver a great experience with their restaurant, curiously named Canteen. And the women are seen bickering with each other (read: telling Beverly to finish all her veggies or she won't get to stay up and watch iCarly). Oh, and their restaurant will be called Half Bushel because that's what's Lindsey wants and you'll like it, missie!

They shop and Edward manages to get a few nasty digs in at the women in interviews. Finally, it's night one and the men, having lost the coin flip, will be serving first. Edward, who has experience running restaurants for collections of blurry-faced patrons before, will be handling the front-of-house duties.

The patrons arrive and the judges follow close behind. At first, service seems to be going well. But we quickly see that the provided servers (who all are conveniently incompetent for your amusement) start a domino effect of crisis in the kitchen. First, Ty-Lör jumps out from the kitchen to expedite. Later, Paul does the same.

The judges, of course, see this all and are generally pleased with themselves that they've managed to "throw them in the deep end," meaning "effectively set them up to fail so perfectly." Oh, and the food's just fair, if the judges' table-side comments are to be believed.

As part of this "battle of the sexes" twist, this time the opposing team gets to experience their competitors' restaurant as patrons. In this case, we simply learn that when she's not in uniform, Our Dear Grayson is, shall we say "sartorially challenged"?

Once that's over, they all head back to Casa Cuisine (Austin Branch) and the men bemoan how badly they did and hope that the women screw up even worse.

The next night it's the women's team, and Sarah is in rare form. She whines about Beverly and ShrimpGate (again, channeling The Hag) and even tosses a few snide comments Grayson's way for kicks.

Lindsey, meanwhile, will be running the front of the house in her best beige schmata. And, since she won't be able to prepare her own fish dish, she'll (reluctantly) have to have that awful Beverly do it for her on account of Beverly being a total goldbrick and only doing one dish ... as if she can be trusted to even do that right.

Lindsey's thought bubble: Honestly, why didn't we give that one up for adoption again, Sarah? I forget.

Beverly tells us that the way Lindsey wants her fish prepared isn't the way she'd do it, but, since it's not her dish she'll do her best to follow Lindsey's perfect instructions with the few brain cells she has.

Come time for service, we see the usual service crisis footage with Tom and Padma having to cool their heels while Lindsey is back in the kitchen preparing a dunce cap and stool for Beverly. Eventually, Linds arrives and lazily points the judges at their table before disappearing again to go back into the kitchen to help Sarah smack Beverly's knuckles with a ruler.

Service concludes and it's time for the long knives. Anticipating being on the losing end of things, Sarah and Lindsey continue their Mean Girls bit and go so far as to try to take credit for Beverly's dish (which was a hit), since everyone knows that Beverly couldn't find her mouth with a spoon without their help.

Finally, Beverly does manage to fight back for once, calmly pointing out that she came up with each of the dish's elements on her own, thank you very much.

And, as luck (and the Bravo Magical Elves) would have it, once at ...

Judges' Table

... the women win and it's Beverly who's awarded the prize of the night's top dish.

This, naturally, galls Sarah and Lindsey soooo much that, once back in the kitchen, Sarah suggests that they all bow down and kiss Linsey's feet for actually having been responsible for the win. (If I have to concoct a way that that makes a lick of sense, I can only imagine that she was suggesting that Lindsey deserves credit for, unlike the men's team, having had the foresight to hide the kitchen from the judges' view so they couldn't see the raging bitchfest that was happening back there.)

So, then it's time for the men to take their lumps.

Chef Seymour Butz (aka Chris) gets it for not having done more than make one dish, one which got mixed reviews. The rest get slammed for less-than-stellar food and for the visible crisis in the kitchen. But, in the end, it's My Ty who get's kicked to the curb.

I haz the sadz.

Redemption Kitchen

Ty-Lör, newly shaved (boo!) arrives back at Casa Cuisine (San Antonio Edition), and there on his already-packed suitcase is the no-longer-shocking letter from Tom. He heads to the Kitchen O'Logos and sees Nyseha there waiting to face off against him.

And this is where The Big Whaaaaa? happens. It seems that not only does Nyesha have a justified grudge against The Gorgon Heather for how she acted, but she is also harboring a serious resentment of Ty-Lör for some unknown reason. (We see a clip of him having said some random thing much, much earlier, but not only does it seem mild, it's not even clear if it's directed at her.)

The two will have to make a dessert and will have to pick from The Peanut Gallery for a sous chef who will either help them or conceptualize the dish for them, depending whom they pick.

Here is where Nyesha proves herself a serious reality show competitor. See, she doesn't just want to win by picking the best colleague. She wants to make it hard for Ty-Lör. Hence, she picks Hag because, not only is she a pastry chef, she's Ty-Lör's friend and Nyesha knew he would have picked her first, if he had had the chance.

Ty is flummoxed by this but soldiers on, picking Pretty Chris as his helper.

The guys work on Ty's dessert idea while Heather all but takes over entirely for Nyesha and conceptualizes the entire dish. Nyesha helps Heather ably.

When Tom finishes tasting both dishes, he admits that they were both pretty amazing. But the winner will be ... Nysesha who is one step closer to being eliminated by another chef just shy of returning to the competition. And won't that make for dramatic Internet-only television?

Next time on Top Chef: Charlize Theron wants to eat a still-beating heart. Or at least, I think that's what she said.

Top Chef Texas: It's The Pits!

2012-01-08T19:10:00.001-05:00

January 4, 2012

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs migrated to Austin from the horribleness of Dallas, we got a visit from crazy Patti Labelle's wig collection and, at long last, we were rid of Heather the Horrible. So it was a good day.

We're back, dear reader. And while I still love the show, I have to say that this episode really irritated me. And not just because I have a new most-disliked chef. Aside from the nausea-inducing infomercial mid-episode and the heavily edited audio designed to jazz up the storyline of a new rivalry (Sarah v. Edward), the critiques of the bottom teams were edited to be as ridiculously harsh as the diners' and judges' reactions were edited to sound effusive earlier in the same episode. Phooey.

We start with the chefs back at Casa Cuisine (Austin Campus) drinking beer dispensed by their energy-efficient Kelvinator™ refrigerator and lamenting the loss of Hellbeast Heather. (Well, Sarah lamented the loss of Heather. PluckyAsianNerdChef Beverly, not so much.)

And, kicking off our new storyline, we have Edward mention to the chefs what he's told us repeatedly already, that Heather was on the winning side of two challenges by using his cake recipe. Naturally, this makes Sarah fume for some inane reality show reason involving Heather not being there to defend herself.

Suddenly, there's a knock at the door! Why, it's a stranger bearing gifts! The Trojan Cart bears a 32-volume collection of expensive picture books and a message that they are to study the lusty photographs of architectural food for a leg-up on the morning's ...

Quickfire Challenge

The chefs arrive at the Non-Monogramed Kitchen to meet Padma and the Box O' Coffee Table Books' Author. And, as telegraphed, we see that the chefs will have to make dishes inspired by the Big Book Of Food Pics movement. We learn that this involves not only fancy molecular gastronomy chemical gimmicks, but also a degree of precision and actual innovation.

Samurai Chef Chris (and part time Pregnant Man Thomas Beatie impersonator) predicts that he's going to rock this since at his restaurant in Chicago -- the one he has to name-check at least once per episode -- he does this kind of thing all the time. Oh, and also, he came prepared for this, having brought with him a gimmicky "magic bean" for just this kind of challenge. Meanwhile, my personal übercrush, the, er, photogenic (?) Ty-Lör thinks he'll be able to distinguish himself with a simple watermelon offering, dished up with a magical powder which turns into olive oil when it hits your tongue.

(No, I will not make a joke about tonguing Ty. I will not. I'm classy like that.)

When comes time for the tasting, Beverly, who was up studying the Culinary Architectural Digest all night, goes to present her dish. But when she goes to foam things up (a procedure known as Marceling the Plate), she ends up spraying her foamy goodness all over Padma's Target-designed dress and the guest judge's pleated pants. It's sad, really, and all the other chefs laugh uncomfortably at her.

When they get to Samurai Chris's table, he presents his every-trick-in-the-book banquet. This involves the two taking a red "magic bean," one which Chris explains patronizingly, only to be met by the even more patronizing guest judge saying he grows them in his back yard. Basically, the "pill" alters the taste buds so that a bite of lemon tastes sweet, makes plain soda water and lime taste sweet ... and reconstructs a deconstructed cheesecake?

Anyhoo, the cookbook shiller isn't crazy about the dishes from Paul and Grayson and he didn't take a shine to being sprayed Big Brother-style by Bev.

But he did like Pretty Chris' offering as well as Ty's watermelon and (groan) Cracky Chris Magorium's Wonder Emporium. But the winner of the challenge (and immunity) is ... My Ty! Yay!

Now for the ...

Elimination Challenge

The chefs are told that they'll have to divide themselves into three groups of three. And, in these teams, they'll have to create a massive barbecue feast for 300 diners involving beef, pork, chicken, two sides, a fresh sprig of cilantro, hákarl, a Lincoln Navigator and a partridge in a pear tree.

The teams work out thusly:

Team Blue: Paul, Lindsay, Grayson

Team Red: Edward, Sarah, Ty-Lör

Team White: Beverly, Chris C., Chris J.

We get another chapter in the Sarah v. Edward nonsense when the teams are being chosen and we hear Sarah say that she "doesn't trust" Edward, but will be on his team anyway. (Can you see my eye-roll from here?)

The chefs rush off to the Piggly Wiggly and Foodstuffs Foodstop where we they pick up their proteins, vegetables and a Bartlett's Guidebook of New Snide Remarks for Edward. (In chapter three of this crap, we have him remarking how Sarah, who started as a member of the cast's huge Chicago Mafia this season has now fully transformed into True Texas Gal.)

Later, Sarah, our ostensible True Texas Tessie, enthuses about the 100-year-old barbecue establishment where they will be cooking. (Cue pics of the lass' chef boyfriend dreaming of getting to eat at said 100-year-old barbecue establishment.)

They all arrive at the barbecue joint and are given tours of the sweaty pits. The pony-tailed proprietor jokes (?) that their tears will be the necessary final ingredient to their dishes and leads them all out to their Trojan Vibrating Touch Wagons!

"Wow! Is that what I think it is?" asks Grayson.

"Yeah, the little personal massager that fits on the tip of your finger!" says Sarah. "And it converts into a fully-equipped station wagon, capable of hauling lumber, reality show contestants and bringing you to new heights of ecstasy in minutes!"

"And it comes in this awesome little bag!" adds Grayson.

Soon, the chefs are starting their marathon all-night cooking session (their second of the season). We have a "crisis" at the middle-of-the-night time of 3 p.m. (at least according to the on-screen chyron) where Team Blue's meat falls off the racks in the smoker. We have footage of Pretty Chris phallically peeling carrots. And we have the "crisis" of Beverly setting fire to a pot of bourbon and starting the famous wildfires which raged across Texas all summer.

Somewhere along the line, we see Pretty Chris discuss his contribution to the dinner, a not-at-all-suspiciouly-product-placed Crystal Pepsi barbecue marinade. We also find out that the vocal admirer of sexy men and sexy women, at least artistically, favors naked women. He must also have a great love of pastry since at home he likes to make paintings of pie.

As the sun is rising and the temperatures approach a toasty 350º in the shade, Sarah seeks help from a medic and has to be removed for her own health. Lindsey and Ty-Lör prove they are decent human beings and express concern for her. Edward, though, is more concerned with how this is going to affect his showing. (Here is where the editing seems to really seem to take what was probably overly competitive talk about how he toughs stuff out -- having bled out while cooking though an earlier challenge --- and turns it into what sounds like really monstrous chatter about Sarah's condition.)

The Red Team scrambles to make do with two chefs as the diners arrive. And, just as the judges are to get there, Sarah appears back on the scene. Again, Ty expresses concern and Edward acts like a dick towards her, even if her appearance and eventual disappearance do seem suspect.

Oh, a note about the diners. Among the 300 diners, I thankfully did not see a single cowboy hat. Maybe those nice things I heard about Austin are true after all.

Anyway, the diners and the judges are heard saying great things about the offerings from the Red and White teams and less-than-wonderful things about Team Blue. So, when Padma arrives and calls up Team Blue, it seems so. very. shocking.

So, Team Blue wins. The other two are on the block and the dishes which a moment ago were great are now deemed "inedible."

And Pretty Chris gets the knife.

Sadness.

And that was without even getting into Slobby Chris' idiotic "I Eat Vegans" t-shirt.

Redemption Kitchen

Back in San Antonio. Surprise. Chris versus Nyseha. Tom loses a syllable from Nyesha's name. The chefs cook using ingredients from a gas station. We get another ad for the sponsormobile. I am subjected to Horrible Heather's voice again. And Nyseha lives to battle another day.

Next time on Top Chef: Restaurant Wars. Men versus women. Lots of bickering. Whee.

Top Chef Texas: It's Patti, Austin (Or, It's Austin, Patti)

2011-12-27T18:54:00.000-05:00

December 21, 2011

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs had to prepare a dish of wild game for the judges. Edward and Ty-Lör rose to the occasion and delivered a winning dish. Heather proved she's a horrible person and lambasted her partner, Beverly, for no good reason, even risking her own elimination. But in the end it was Dakota and Nyesha who were sent packing in a double elimination.

Hey there. Perchance you noticed this holiday the other day. It involved a tree and 1,001 renditions of "Little Drummer Boy" and "Frosty The Snowman"? Well, that. And since (if I'm reading the schedule properly) the show's a rerun this week, I figured an insanely late blog is better than none at all.

Unless it's not.

Since this episode is well past the leftovers state, you obviously know what happened. Heather The Horrible finally got her comeuppance, much to the delight of everyone not in her immediate family.

But to refresh your memory, here's a brief look back.

After the last elimination, still in 350º Dallas, Padma walks back to the chefs and scares them. They think that they'll have to cook again right away. Instead she tells them that they get to leave the (expletive deleted) place that is Dallas for less gawdawful Austin. Hearing this, Paul feels he has to really deliver, since he's from there.

Once at their new digs, the chefs think the place could pass for the Governor's Residence. But it couldn't be, since it's missing cabinets full of Ambien and maple syrup.

Quickfire Challenge

At the un-Monogrammed Cordon Bleu kitchen, Padma and Tom tell the chefs about this week's cockamamie challenge. In an attempt to shoehorn Bravo's Twitter obsession into the Texas motif, Padma explains that the mircoblogging service gained traction at the SXSW Festival there a few years back. (Forget the fact that it's based in San Francisco. Bravo really, really, really need you to Twitter with them. They also are really interested in pictures of your last meal, purchase and manicure. Tweet them directly to @bravoandy. Do it now. Do it daily. Hourly, even. He'll appreciate it.)

The (idiotic) premise is that the show's followers will tweet half-baked ideas for the challenge, Tom and Padma will pick the one they were going to use anyway. Halfway through, they'll pretend to pick another one to act as a twist. And then, a few minutes later, they'll actually chose one that, since it was chosen on the fly, won't work since the producers won't have time to set it up properly.

Hence, we have the chefs making bacon dishes with a hash and an ingredient that they were handed by another chef (or, in Samurai Chris' case, grabbed off another chef's station just because).

When it's all over, Paul gets his bragging rights, having won the first challenge in his hometown.

Elimination Challenge

Padma tells the chefs to get some drinks at their hotel bar where, if any of them have a lick of sense, they know there'll be a "surprise" announcement. While they wait, Heather cozies up to (newly monikered) "Malibu" Chris and gives everyone a major case of the heebie jeebies, not least of all Chris himself.

The "surprise" occurs when the bar pianist introduces legendary insane diva Patti Labelle and one of her expensive wigs. As LaBelle proceeds to make mincemeat of "Lady Marmalade," Sarah gets overcome with emotion and Grayson has a look on her face which, unmistakably reads, "I don't have the first idea who this woman is."

Blogger's aside: OK, I could go on about what happened after this. I could tell you how plucky Beverly nearly pulled out a win, how "Yes, We Have Heard How You're Originally From Texas" Sarah won and how Heather and her Hair Flower both got sent off to Redemption Kitchen to be sliced and diced by Nyesha there. But, I'd rather go on about Miss Patti.

Now, you do know this woman's totally bonkers, right? I mean, when she's not hanging with Oprah, having her bodyguards assault and injure a returned veteran for standing too close to her luggage (and then posing for pictures with the reporting officers afterwards), throwing water at infants or refusing to even be in the presence of one of her own dogs for months at a time.

The woman's been in the public eye for nearly 50 years now, so she's clearly keenly aware when there are cameras pointed in her direction and she exhibits a level of control which should be studied by new celebrities for decades to come. But it barely masks the fact that you can tell that the moment the lights and microphones are packed away, she's itching to revert to form like her scalp is itching to be set free from the wig collection.

So, a few years back the husband and I found ourselves attending this big R&B festival in Cincinnati. And, as in most years, she was one of the featured singers. Being something of a fan (not a big fan, but a fan), I was enthused to see her perform. The rest of the stadium didn't seem quite so jazzed about it. I can only assume it's because they'd seen her schtick many times before.

Throughout her 45-minute set, she repeatedly iterated her OneTouch Ultra™commercial mantra "I have diabetes, but it doesn't have me!" The then-62 year-old woman went again to the menopause-is-funny well by over and over (and over) again saying how she was having hot flashes. Not being the owner of a female body, I'd hate to presume. But I have to think that if she was saying this same shit back in the '90s, one should assume that something's seriously wrong if she's still not completed "the change" 15 years later.

And, at least four years into the age of iTunes, she saw it necessary to, mid-song, say -- and sing -- entreaties to "don't download" her songs. In fact, it's so that every time one of her songs comes up in musical rotation at home, it's a requirement here that one of us command the other, "Don't download!"

Lastly, in what even I know is a tradition at all her concerts, Miss Patti tried to get selected members of the audience to come onstage to sing and dance the show closer, "Lady Marmalade," with her. But when concert security decided to cross the woman and wouldn't let people on stage, the ... claws ... came ... out. I'll be damned if she didn't pitch the diva fit and threaten to shut down the entire daylong music festival if she didn't get to bring them on stage.

And that's the Miss Patti that I just know is hiding behind the frozen smile and gentle plugs for her diabetes cookbook.

Other Notes

"Malibu" Chris: OK, you know how I've been saying how the man's been trying to tell us he's (at least) bi all season? And how everyone is now calling him this because of his obsession with his hair care? And how uncomfortable he looked being sandwiched by the lady chefs in the bar (even if one of them was the detestable Heather)? Well, when Ty-Lör points out that Miss Patti's toenails were painted to match Padma's dress, who was the only other person who had noticed that?

Paul: Dude became a chef after being a weed dealer for all his friends. And here I thought that the weed thing came after entering the culinary world.

Samurai Chris: Is is possible he's becoming even more slovenly? And can I get some brain bleach to clean off the memory of seieng his ass crack?

Next time on Top Chef: Who knows? If it's Austin, I'm guessing it involves Willie Nelson and a pot brownie challenge.

Top Chef Texas: Game Called On Account Of Tequila

2011-12-18T19:12:00.000-05:00

December 14, 2011

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs were challenged to cater a dinner for 1,000 fashion victims with a thing for red meat and wearing outdoor headgear indoors. Everyone was tremendously underwhelmed. Ty-Lör was nearly de-digitized and nearly eliminated. And Poor Whitney was sent to Redemption Kitchen for making undercooked potatoes au gratin.

Gentle reader,

Things are far too busy for a proper blog this week. So sorry about that. If you only knew.

So here's the 60-second recap.

Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa ... Tequila!

Non-Samurai Chris emerges from the shadows and nearly wins. But the Quickfire win goes to Mi Ty-Lör. Yay!

Next, you'll be cooking wild game for a bunch of famous chefs.

Surprise! You'll be in teams!

Surprise! You'll be paired with the person on your side! Yes, this means that Big Ole' Bully Heather will be paired with Poor Beverly. Drama ensues.

Surprise! The chefs themselves will have to pick the three teams with the worst plates to send before the judges for elimination! More drama.

Samurai Chris convinces his teammate Grayson that he can make a cool garnish with sweet potatoes. He can't. She's pissed. He seems determined to broadcast his mistake to anyone who'll listen. She's not keen on this, since she'd be going home too. (Message: Grayson has a working brain stem.)

Ty-Lör and teammate Edward fire on all cylinders and win the challenge and redemption. Yay!

Total Bitchface Heather thinks it's better that she harangue Beverly over what happened last week (you know, when she spent a long time making shrimp that was just fine and didn't endanger Heather at all) as an excuse for making a dish which showed how poorly she works with her teammate. Even if it means they'd both go home as a result. (Message: Heather does not have a working brain stem. ... Or a neck.)

Dakota somehow undercooks her venison and, despite it not tasting that awful, it gets her (and her rather blameless teammate, Nyesha) sent home.

Sadness. For the talented two. And for me having to see that awful Heather for another week.

Redemption Kitchen

In true Survivor rip-off style, we get a three-person "duel," a contradiction in terms. Poor Whitney faces off against Dakota and Nyesha to make something or other. Again, I'm lost as to the Dallas/San Antonio/why are the eliminated chefs all wearing the clothes they wore last week? situation.

Nyesha wins. Happiness.

Except we can assume that she won't defeat every future eliminated chef.

Next time on Top Chef: We leave awful Dallas for Texas' one supposedly redeeming place, Austin. Something happens. And I hope it involves Heather being run over by a herd of buffalo (aka Heather impersonators).

Top Chef Texas: Steers And Jeers

2011-12-11T18:06:00.001-05:00

December 7, 2011

Last time on Top Chef: The chefs moved en masse from San Antonio to Dallas, pretended to be surprised by a traffic cop, moved into their new digs and later had to make food for a bunch of horrible people who seemed to really be wishing they could be the cast of some other dreadful Real Housewives spin-off. When it was all over, Chuy, butcher of all he surveys, was sent packing for making an ill-conceived salmon and goat cheese dish.

Well, I'm just going to go out on a limb and assume that I pissed some people off with my expression of loathing for Texas. Alas, that's just the way it is. But I'd be open to someone trying to convince me that there would be something (aside from the greatest potato salad I've ever had) that would make me change my mind. That said ...

The chefs do their expected postmortems at their new, appropriately tacky Dallas digs before they arrive at the Cordon Bleu school which will serve as their kitchen for their stay in Big D. And since, unlike their usual sponsoriffic kitchen, this one isn't booby trapped with GE Monogram™ appliances, they should do well there.

Quickfire Challenge

At the new kitchen, Padma greets the chefs and introduces them to this week's guest judge, Dean Fearing, currently in the lead for most full-of-himself guest judge ever. The two explain that the chefs will have to make something involving saucy mothers (or something like that). The chefs pull knives to determine which saucy mother they'll have to remake. And when it's all over, Dean Fearing seems to be disappointed more chefs didn't opt to remake Rue (McClanahan, the sauciest of all mothers).

At least that's the way I remember it.

Anyway, Beverly catches heat for making her French mother too Asian, and Greyson is judged the sauciest of them all. And, with that, Greyson wins immunity and shows that she has mad skills to go along with her winning pluck.

Elimination Challenge

Padma explains that for the next challenge, the chefs will have to cater a banquet for a few hundred fashion victims with a penchant for wearing ranching duds indoors at a fancy dinner party, appropriately called the Cattlemen's Balls. And they'll be serving at Southfork Ranch, the setting for the '70s-'80s nearly-unwatchable prime-time behemoth, Dallas. (Cue the "Who Shot J.R.?" references.)

Sarah, originally from Texas as she is so damn fond of mentioning time and time again, is over the moon, since her dad was a cattleman with that group that sued Oprah for deigning to disparage the Texas beef industry a few years back. Similarly, my future husband in plural marriage, Ty-Lör, is thrilled to be getting to work on a steak challenge, since he's worked in a steakhouse for years and is an expert in making them (and getting people to pay an extra $20 for a side order of potatoes, I'd assume).

The pretentious guest judge makes a major production about each and every steak having to be medium rare and you just know that that's not going to happen, as these things go.

Also, the winner of the challenge will win a brand new Chrysler K-Car! (Cut to everyone extolling the virtues of the wonderful, fuel-efficient, economical, stylish and nice-smelling K-Car and how they'd crawl over broken glass to win one. Gooooo, K-Car!

The chefs quickly break into four teams, each one being responsible for a course, two of which will have to include steak in some way.

Quickly, Edward is seen complaining that, for the second time, Heather is using his cake recipe for her offering, and he is starting to resent the crap out of her.

For the next day, we get lots of shots of Heather being a complete snot towards Beverly and just about everyone else. Late on day one, Ty-Lör stabs himself badly with an oyster knife and manages to power through before heading to the hospital after time is up for the night.

The next morning, he arrives back at the Casa Cuisine and announces he's only had one hour of sleep, but will will himself to do well.

Earlier, Tom and Mr. Pretentious had made the rounds in the kitchen and observed who was doing what and noted that Ty–Lör had chosen to only mark the steaks on the grill before flashing them in the oven before service, something that was apparently a risky (and ultimately failing) move. Also, Invisible Whitney made an appearance to announce that she would be taking two days to make potatoes au gratin, much to the dismay of (at least) Heather and Edward.

Beverly takes all day to prepare her shrimp, which makes Bully Heather want to go through the roof (which would take quite a bit of heavy equipment, normally) and even Edward has had enough of her.

Come time to serve, Heather and Lindsey have taken charge of organizing the service (having the last course as their culinary offering). And, while that part goes reasonably well, what appears to be a horrible move by Lindsey, who wrongly thinks it's time for the next course, causes the steaks to be flashed too soon, leaving them sitting around getting cold for several key minutes.

When Ty-Lör learns this, he knows his goose is cooked.

Judges' Table

The judges call up Heather, Chris "Samurai" Jones and Nyesha for having the best dishes and end up handing over the K-Car keys to Big Smug Heather. Considering she was sure she'd be on the bottom of things (I'd assume for having been instrumental in leading the less-than-stellar team's overall efforts), she had been making preparations to throw over Beverly for spending too much time preparing her shrimp.

I hope she gets stranded and trapped in that damn K-Car on the side of the road somewhere.

Then it's time for the bottoms, Ty-Lör, Whitney and Edward.

Ty gets it for the whole steak debacle. And, sadly, it has been happened more than once already, he's a man about it and takes full responsibility for his foul-up, even when a good part of why things turned out badly for him are bad decisions on other people's parts. In a case of "Don't bore Nina," Edward catches hell for not making his plate "sing."

But it's Whitney who is finally knifed for having spent two days making potatoes au gratin which ended up served raw to at least one judge.

So long, Whitney. Whoever you are.

Redemption Kitchen

Now I'm all kinds of confused. We see freshly de-knifed Whitney appearing back at the San Antonio chef's McMansion where we are to get footage of her packing and - surprise! - finding the Letter From Tom ordering her to the Kitchen of Darkness.

But, not only isn't this the house where her stuff has been, it looks like she's already packed up there. I'll assume that's because she just wheeled her bag in there so they could get the footage they needed.

Moments later, she's in the Batcave Kitchen to face off against Chuy for the chance to get back in the game. And, as an extra "bonus," the chefs will be competing before a panel of ultra-schlubbed-out chefs (i.e., the other chefs who were eliminated earlier in the post-game competition).

The two will have to make great burgers. And to choose the meat from which they'll have to make their burgers, the two pull knives. Chuy gets Ostrich. Whitney gets Elk.

Since he and his dad routinely choked the many wild ostriches that roamed their farm in Mexico, we can assume that Chuy felt he had this in the bag. But when it's all over, the peanut gallery and Tom agree that Whitney's burger was a bit better, and she wins the right to lose to the next eliminated chef(s).

Next time on Top Chef: A double elimination! And the chefs will have to pick which two will be on the bottom themselves? Oh, the (manufactured) drama!

Top Chef Texas: Travels In The Land Of Conspicuous Consumption

2011-12-04T14:42:00.001-05:00

November 30, 2011

Previously on Top Chef: Living up to their name, the folks at Magical Elves managed to get the entire nation talking about the delicious properties of pepper spray as a promotional gimmick for an episode about cooking with hot peppers. After an all-night chili cook-off and a sadistic eleventh-hour sudden death face-off which may have ended in an actual death, Richie of the Accessories was sent packing.

Have I mentioned how much I really hate Texas? Because I really, really do. This episode did nothing to change my mind about that. Not one tiny bit.

Another side note: Am I the only one who's disoriented about the logistics of the previous episode's losing chef getting to back to the Casa Cuisine to collect his stuff during the day while the others do the required "I can't believe he's gone" chat at night? Do they stash the evictee in a van overnight until after the gang heads off to the Quickfire the next morning? Does he get a toothbrush? So when does the Redemption Kitchen thing happen? I think about these things.

We meet up with our not-so-merry troupe late at night right after Richie's de-knifing, and Padma appears to deliver news. The chefs have their knives ready to clean and gut the hostess as they're assuming that the inflicting-pain-as-entertainment will continue with the sleep-deprived chefs having to perform the next Quickfire challenge right then and there. Amazingly, though, she sends them home to sleep because in the morning they'll have to be on the move ... to Dallas.

Whee.

And to pay for their transport, they'll have to participate in a grand infomercial for their SponsorMobiles. As part of the script, they are to act as if they're following a GPS which directs them down a side street, through charred landscape of burned-on-the-stalks cornfields (Thanks for the prayers, Gov. Perry!) and directly at a "Road Closed" sign and a highway patrol officer right out of Central Casting.

Quickfire Challenge

There, in the once-muddy field, the chefs discover Padma and hunkalicious chef John Besh. She tells the chefs that they'll have 32 seconds to create a five-star, three course meal using only the survival kits stashed in their CorporateWagons and whatever drought-and-pestilence-ravaged crops they can snag from the fields nearby. Go!

Honestly. Why do they do these things? I mean, I know they really, really want to make sure there are disasters on a plate for everyone to remember, but what does this prove? And isn't there some other seems-like-an-SNL-parody-of-Top-Chef show out there where people have to create a dish while skydiving or some such rot? Is this what we want to emulate?

Rant over.

In any case, the chefs make the best with the nothing they are given and, against all odds, Lindsey wins the challenge for making a sandwich with crackers and Vienna sausages. She finds this "awesome."

Side note #2: It has been established that your gentle blogger is likely world's worst cook, having once hospitalized himself for a week with food poisoning for not knowing certain basic basics about food preparation. But did you know that in grade school his specialty was the culinary creation of a peanut butter and jelly, ketchup, raisin and Vienna sausage sandwich on white bread? (The raisins made the peanut butter taste "crunchy," but the Vienna sausages kept rolling around between the bread slices.) Who knew I could actually win a food competition for something like that?

Elimination Challenge

Pads informs the gang that for this challenge they'll be catering a progressive dinner party for some of Dallas' most disgustingly nouveau riche cretins. They'll be divided into three teams of five, preparing appetizers, entrées and desserts. But, while they'll be in teams, each chef will (finally) be responsible for his or her own dish and be judged individually.

At last.

The chefs meet with their respective cretin couples and every stereotype about McMansions, over-the-top design and conspicuous consumption coupled with pedestrian tastes (Nothing exotic please! We thought we'd have everything be pink! A gummy bear wedding cake! Really?) is reinforced to the nth degree.

Wait. I lied. I must say, I didn't see a room full of Aquanet/Ultra-Clutch big hair. I take it all back.

The chefs do their thing. The guests do their Desperate Housewives impressions, yet, sadly, a single-engine plane doesn't come crashing through the neighborhood taking half of them out. When it's all over, Tom tosses off the world's most expected cliché, "Close, but no cigar?" regarding Chris J.'s cigar-inspired creation, and has the absolute nerve to say, "My mother always said that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. So I'll stay quiet." All of this inspires me to hunt him down with a meat-cleaver.

Paul wins the challenge for listening to his horrible clients and delivering a delicious fried brussels sprouts dish.

And Chuy is sent packing for making a badly conceived, badly prepared salmon and goat cheese thing.

Redemption Kitchen

Chuy packs, finds the surprise note to report to the Light-Deprived Kitchen Of Doom for his unexpected face-off against still-in-the-running Keith Rhodes. The challenge pits the Chuy, Butcher of Every Beast That Walks the Earth or Swims the Seas against ... Keith.

And the test will be ... take a whole cow from a Texas field and take it down to a steak in 30 minutes.

Who do you think wins?

That's how it went.

The Chefs

Nyesha Arrington, 28 — Showed a bit of personality this time, getting a bit testy over Beverly's Extreme Home Kitchen Takeover. Made what I gather was a delicious dish with a red wine reduction, which one of the cretins said looked like blood. Even John Besh was aghast at the idiotic comment.

Lindsay Autry, 29 — The leader in my annual "awesometer" sweepstakes. Gets brownie points for winning the Quickfire with Vienna sausages for reasons explained earlier. Yet I assume she's the least popular chef with the viewers for her personality, which, at this stage at least, doesn't seem fair to me.

Ty-Lör Boring, 34 — Mentioned he has a boyfriend back home which made me want to consider making a Big Love plural marriage overture towards the chef. Sadly, ending up on the losing end of things yet again suggests I may only have a brief time left with my Scruff-y fantasy.

Chris Crary, 29 — When this season started, I wondered how the hell this fit, pretty boy is originally from Bucyrus, Ohio. On the ride to Dallas, he revealed he had recently lost 70 pounds and they showed a "before" shot, thus ending my wondering. ... Also, I'm still pretty sure he's trying to tell us he's bi, adding John Besh to Fabio (the romance novel one, not the Top Chef one) and Padma on the list of his crush objects.

Sarah Grueneberg, 29 — Is still in the running to be Last Chicago Chef standing, ending up in the top group again.

Chris Jones, 30 — With a new city, Chris decides to ditch the San Antonio two-pairs-of-glasses look for a new Dallas Samurai-Delicatessen-inspired hairstyle. It doesn't help him, though, since nothing can distract from his idiotic concept of having Real Housewives wannabes (and Gail's boobs) chow down on "cigars" and "ash" in fancy (cleavage-revealing) cocktail dresses.

Beverly Kim, 32 — Oh, this one. First we had the crying jags and the "vision board." Now we learn that she's a mess in the kitchen with little regard for those around her. We have achieved storyline.

Edward Lee, 38 — Finally explained how it is he ended up in Louisville (a lovely city, by the way). Turns out he moved there for love. Aw. Also won bonus points for opting to ignore his nitwit client's call for a gummy bear dessert.

Whitney Otawka, 30 — Managed to poke her head out of obscurity to end up on the losing end of the Quickfire for serving green beans out of a can as her offering. Bravo.

Paul Qui, 31 — Still coming on strong for Tejas. Surely makes it to the end.

Grayson Schmitz, 28 — Was sure she'd be on the losing end of the Elimination Challenge and found herself on the winning side instead. Now that's how you win Fan Favorite.

Heather Terhune, 39 —Seemed to be an early favorite coming into this thing, but stumbled yet again. Will she survive? And can we hear more details about how your brother used to throw up all over you on driving trips? Because that was just so delicious to hear on a cooking show.

Chuy Valencia 25 — Not only the Demon Butcher of Meat Street, but the possessor of the Dad Who's Done Everything. Sadly, this wasn't a storytelling competition. And it's really unlikely that he'll fend off every other incoming chef in the Redemption Kitchen.

Dakota Weiss, 35 — OK, maybe it's not the younger-than-she-looks thing. Maybe it's the fact that no matter the topic, she always seems worried/freaked out in interviews, even when talking about winning shit. Maybe that's it.

Next time on Top Chef: Southfork. Miss Ellie. Pam. Who shot J.R.? And why is Ty-Lör going to the hospital?

Top Chef Texas: Thrown Under The Bridge

2011-11-27T17:47:00.001-05:00

November 23, 2011

Previously on Top Chef: The competition finally began. The chefs prepared rattlesnake, and the most squeamish proved victorious. Later, as teams, they prepared food for a quinceañera and Keith got the boot for a making a burrrrrrrito.

Hey, kids! Did you notice that this past week included some kind of special event involving traveling, consuming mass quantities and, for some folks, standing in line in the wee hours in order to trample dead people in order to save two bucks on plastic crap made in China that will be landfill in a year's time? Well, that little event happened to me too and had the side effect of making me see this a couple of days late ... and not caring that damn much.

Oh, you're still with me? Well, here goes.

Of course, we have the obligatory "I can't believe (so-and-so) is gone" and "That was so rough!" dialogue before we jump right into the thick of things.

Quickfire Challenge

The chefs enter the kitchen o' products and encounter Padma, guest judges Mary Sue Milliken, Susan Feniger. (Both Top Chef Masters vets. I must say, that show has done me a great favor in that now I recognize who these people are when they show up on this show. Ah, corporate synergy.)

And the chefs discover that they're going to have to cook with peppers. In a twist, the winner of the challenge will get a monetary prize, based on how hot they wanted to get with their peppers. They could go with a mild poblano for $1.98 or go for the gusto and $1 billion and make a winning dish with Industrial Strength Pepper Spray.

Oh, you know somewhere Megyn "It's a Food Product" Kelly is smiling.

Some chefs totally wimp out and end up on the low end of things. And Paul wins the challenge by tackling and taming the still-half-the-strength-of-pepper-spray-and-yet-the-hottest-pepper-known-to-mankind Ghost Chili Pepper.

Elimination Challenge

The chefs are told that, working in five teams of three, they will be cooking (at the chef manse, all night) enough chili to serve an army of (amazingly parochial) Texas chili fans. The aforementioned bean-hating chili-heads would pick the winning team. And the losing team ...

Well, here's where it gets "interesting." And by "interesting" I mean "sadistic." After having stayed up all night cooking chili and stressing out for hours over serving it and being judged ... and having to endure a show of animal testicle shocking (known in local parlance as "a rodeo"), the three bottom chefs are charged with taking their "losing" chili and repurposing it as something else.

Even the judges acknowledge that they "suck" for having done this to these poor souls.

So, in the end, it's Richie, Beverly and Nyesha who have to suffer for the merriment of the viewers. And, once it's all done, poor Richie gets the ax.

The (Remaining) Chefs

Nyesha Arrington, 28 — Our gal didn't fare too well this week and I'm starting to wonder if she's long for this game. Still, looked mighty fine cavorting in the pool overnight with her fellow chefs.

Lindsay Autry, 29 — Didn't seem to get much screen time this week. Can we just assume she bossed her team around?

Ty-Lör Boring, 34 — Dreamy sigh.

Chris Crary, 29 — Is it me or did he come out as bi in this episode? Or did I dream that in a haze of tryptophan? I forget.

Richie Farina, 28 — Alas, the Chicago Mafia will have to muddle through with only five members now.

Sarah Grueneberg, 29 — I don't know. I guess she wore a cowboy hat at some point. Contributed to making the crowd's fa-vo-rite chili. Yeehaw.

Chris Jones, 30 — Will never popularize the two-pairs-of-glasses look. No matter how hard he tries.

Beverly Kim, 32 — Claims the early lead in the who-will-be-this-season's-Top-Weeper sweepstakes. Also, amazingly, thought that serving a raw heat-free chili was something the judges would find winning in the Quickfire?

Edward Lee, 38 — Did not need to kill anyone to get through this challenge. So far, he's two for two. We'll see if that holds.

Whitney Otawka, 30 — May have made an on-camera appearance this week. Good for you, Whitney.

Paul Qui, 31 — Giving hope to TejAsians everywhere, managing to take the hottest pepper and turning it into something tasty.

Grayson Schmitz, 28 — Strangely, no longer the Fan Favorite? Why?

Heather Terhune, 39 — Made a great chili. I guess.

Chuy Valencia, 25 — Is now not just the killingest butcher on the block, but has distinguished himself as the chattiest, storytellingest kid in town. (And I thought that was my job. Hmmph.)

Dakota Weiss, 35 — Still aging rapidly. Also the owner of the least creative tattoo in the known universe. (Does a random "X" on the back of your hand an actual tattoo or is it just a reminder which one is your right hand?)

Redemption Kitchen

Still dazed from 87 straight hours of cooking and still stung from his elimination, the mentally fried Richie arrives back solo at the Casa Cuisine to pack. And he is so blotto he nearly has to have a camera man smack him on the noggin with the Letter From Tom informing him to report to the Kitchen Of Darkness for duty. There, he learns that he'll be facing off against last week's eliminated chef, Keith "Not A Blind Bluesman" Rhodes.

And despite having become lifelong friends over their long, long two-day relationship, only one will be able to stay in the running to re-enter the Tuna Tartare Tribe and compete for the final prize.

I'll give you a hint. Richie accidentally pours a salt shaker into his dish.

Aaaaaand, Keith wins.

Bye, Richie. Perhaps you'll have a better chance on the next season of Shear Genius.

Next time on Top Chef: The chefs head to Dallas! Will someone get shot in the head? Tune in and find out!

Top Chef Texas: Look Out For Snakes!

2011-11-20T17:31:00.001-05:00

November 16, 2011

Previously on Top Chef: Texas: Over 3,000 chefs from the farthest corners of the galaxy (but mostly Chicago) gathered at the site of a famous defeat in Texas to compete for a spot on this season's Top Chef competition. After two hours of this, the judges narrowed the field to 16 by getting rid of all of the chefs that couldn't finish on time ... and anyone from Seattle. (Also, online we had a secret competition for a third chance to get into this game. But more on that later.)

And so it begins.

The Chefs

Nyesha Arrington, 28 — Barely made an impression this time, which probably isn't a good sign in the long run. Plus, whatever she made for the party didn't exactly get raves.

Lindsay Autry, 29 — She certainly is a take-charge gal, ain't she? And while she should get praise for knowing to 86 Keith's frozen, pre-cooked shrimp, she didn't seem to know that she couldn't make her pork specialty taste as good as it should in the limited time provided.

Ty-Lör Boring, 34 — I am so in love with this man. There, I said it. Was just relieved that he wasn't going anywhere, since the judges did like one of the two things he made. Don't let me down, bucko.

Chris Crary, 29 — Vanished without a trace in this episode. Basically, only showed up in footage showing him not stopping Keith from impaling himself on ShrimpGate.

Richie Farina, 28 — Still the odds-on favorite to win Project Top Accessory Chef.

Sarah Grueneberg, 29 — I really have to feel for the woman, since she clearly is very talented and very kind. She seemed really pained to have to call out Keith's flop. We'll just have to see if she can play the competition game later.

Chris Jones, 30 — Is distinguishing himself as the chef with the bravery to wear two pairs of glasses at once.

Beverly Kim, 32 — Love that she had the oomph enough to muscle her way to the front of the line at the store to get her meat. And feeling the Korean-parents-never-respect-my-decision-to-become-a-chef thing. But how do the others feel about her "The Secret" vision-board-thingy?

Edward Lee, 38 — Didn't have to risk being called Stumpy this time.

Whitney Otawka, 30 — Not in this episode.

Paul Qui, 31 — The Lone TejAsian.

Keith Rhodes, 39 — Surprisingly, not actually a blind blues musician from the 1960s. Seems to think that enchiladas are made a certain way on the coast of North Carolina.

Grayson Schmitz, 28 — A winning personality may not long cover up what seems to be a lack of experience if her cinnamon-y mole is any hint of things.

Heather Terhune, 39 — The entire episode was worth watching for the look on the judges' faces when they saw her Cake Wreck'ed Leaning Tower Of Dulce De Leche at the party. Good thing that it tasted better than the other team's.

Chuy Valencia, 25 — The HMIC (Head Mexican In Charge). Grew up butchering rabbits. Grew up butchering goats. Grew up butchering snakes. I suspect we'll learn in the next episode he also has cleaned and gutted a Chupacabra

Dakota Weiss, 35 — Again. Lovely woman. But 35? Honestly? I'm really scared at the prospect of seeing her at 45.

We have our sixteen chefs and we'll get to their individual accomplishments/quirks in a moment. But first, a brief recap.

After the obligatory getting-ready footage, where current-fan favorite Grayson burnishes her plucky underdogggery, the chefs arrive in the Logofied Kitchen for the ...

Quickfire Challenge

Padma greets the gang alongside guest judge Johnny Hernandez and a slimy reptile. (No, Toby Young isn't back. It was an actual reptile in an terrarium.) The challenge, Pads explains, will be to make a quick dish with .... rattlesnake!

Before each of the chefs is a box cleverly designed to appear to contain a live rattlesnake. And the producers have obviously commanded that the chefs stick their bare hands into the box and pull out the critters.

As if.

The chefs are relieved to discover that the (non-rattling) boxes contain already killed and skinned snakes. This relieves Dakota, for whom this was clearly designed, since she is the one most panicked at the prospect of encountering a live phallic symbol.

But when it's all over, naturally, she's the one who comes out on top with the prize and immunity in the upcoming ...

Elimination Challenge

The chefs are introduced to a charming young lady named Blanca. As no one knows who she is, they come to the obvious conclusion that she's a Mexican pop star. Because, really, what other option is there?

As it turns out, she's just a nice kid who will be turning 15 and the chefs will be charged with, in two competing teams, catering her quinceañera. (A quinceañera, for the uninitiated, is a coming out party for a 15-year-old girl, much like a Sweet Sixteen party or a Bar/Bat Mitzvah. It is a Latin tradition, not exclusively a Mexican one, no matter what Chef Chuy tells you.)

The chefs pull knives and pick their teams. They chat with the girl and get to shopping and cooking.

The event turns out to be a darling gathering which seems very fun. But maybe it's where I was from, but it bears little resemblance to the over-the-top, costing-enough-to-put-your-family-in-hock-for-the-rest-of-their-lives extravaganzas I saw among the (mostly) Cubans I grew up around. I mean, where were the dancing waiters? The choreographed water ballet? The grand entrance from a mirrored sphere descending from the ceiling? I mean, how is a girl supposed to understand her worth to the world without that?

Anyhoo ...

One team wins. (No individual chef is named the individual winner.) And one team loses.

Padma calls up four chefs for possible elimination: Keith, Lindsay, Sarah and my über-stud Ty-Lör.

And after the usual back-and-forth (and a vaguely awkward Sarah/Keith face-off over his foolish choice to buy frozen, pre-cooked shrimp), Keith is sent packing.

Redemption Kitchen

In the online bonus scene, Keith is seen heading back to the Energy Draining Chefs McMansion where he learns that he has to head to the Redemption Kitchen Of Darkness to face off against Andrew (who finally won something after failing twice before) for a chance to get in/get back into the competition.

They have to prep some ingredients and make a dish. And after some consideration, Tom decides to make Andrew suffer the knowledge that he's failed again. Just like that, Keith gets another chance to cook. And, unlike Andrew, he'll be facing off against someone who will have failed only once.

Next time on Top Chef: Texas: Chili! Save, Delete or Restart?

Top Chef Texas: The Auditions, Pts. 9-10 (of 10)

2011-11-13T16:21:00.001-05:00

November 9, 2011

If you were with us last week, you know that this whole thing is presenting quite the challenge in how to recap what, in essence, is a second hour of audition footage. But, for what it's worth, it goes a little something like this ...

Welcome back to Top Chef: Texas! This week, our winsome judges have traveled to the audition city of The Black Hammer (a/k/a San Antonia) for our latest round of tryouts. Chefs have been standing for hours outside the Alamo Rent-A-Car Stadium just for a chance at a golden ticket/chef's coat. Already, 11 chefs have walked the green mile and have a secured a spot on the live show and now there are only five spots left. Pity the poor chefs who comprise this final batch of audition-seekers as, unlike those in the previous rounds, these will be judged not only on their ability to pull off the challenge at all, but on their food as well.

It's a math thing.

When we last left our merry troupe, we had four chefs sitting in the Stewed Room, cooling their heels while everyone else cooked and they awaited their turn at a second chance to get in on the action. Meanwhile, another some-odd 96 chefs prepared to take their first shot at this.

The pack o' chefs files into the Stadium Of Sponsorships, and introductions are made. Quickly, we assess which ones will make it and which will be out. (Hint: There's another chef in this batch from Seattle. And we know from last time that that can mean only one thing: Better luck next time, sis.)

One of the chefs you're almost certain will make it through is a chipper, exceedingly glib and sexy chef named Chaz who has quite the crush on our Padma. Naturally, he'll make it through. Or so we think.

Also, there are two chefs who hail from Texas. (Specifically, Austin.) Seeing as they are the only prospective contestants from the state playing host here, we can assume that these two should make it, if for no other reason than to save the producers the embarrassment of taking a bunch of the state's money for this clambake and not having a single native son or daughter in the running for the prize from the git-go (or "from the giddy up," as the case may be here).

The chefs pick individual ingredients they are to prepare to perfection and are then hit with the curveball that, depending on which ingredient they chose, they will have varying amounts of time in which to prepare their offerings. Some get 20 minutes, some get 40, and some get 60. In any case, it appears that the time they get would be a serious challenge for said ingredient.

Our sexy chef Chaz is proud to have chosen risotto, as he has an Italian-American wife. But, come time to serve, he hasn't kept his eye on the timer and ends up presenting the chefs with empty bowls. Despite having finished cooking his food, he didn't have time to put it on the plate. And, with that, poof, he's out.

So much for that fearless forecast.

The others each present their dishes. And, as I imagined at the outset of this round, the judges couldn't just count on the contestants to self-immolate as so many did in the previous rounds and now have to eliminate some prospects based on the flavor of their dishes.

Here's where this week's Seattle Slew strikes out. (Sorry for the mixed sports metaphors there. I was never one for ... what is that? Hockey?)

Sadly for me, my hometown chef (who cooks for Michelle Bernstein in Miami, it seems) is also cut at this stage.

When all is said and done, the judges put only three chefs through into the competition and pick two to "dance for their lives." (Among these is one of the two Texas chefs who, it should be noted, repeatedly tells us how "blessed" he is.)

The three that make it through are ...

Beverly Kim, 32 — Aria Restaurant (Chicago, Ill.). (A plucky Asian-American chef who managed to prepare octopus for the first time from scratch and made a winning dish. She is also the sixth member of The Chicago Mafia.)

Lindsay Autry, 29 — Omphoy Ocean Resort & Michelle Bernstein (West Palm Beach, Fla.) (A chef who proves her smarts not only by making a great dish, but also for knowing how to run for the hills when she sees Chef Tom coming her way for a stop-and-chat when she's pressed for time.)

Paul Qui, 31 — Uchiko Restaurant (Austin, Tex.) (Our one and only chef from The Lone Star State. I'd say that the "eyes of Texas" will be upon him, but this show already traffics in enough local clichés as it is.)

Next, we head back to the Stewed Room where the two newly Limbo'ed chefs join the four already in the peril. Which ones will get Cee Lo, Adam, Blake or Christina to turn their chairs around? And how many will get a shot? Oh, the suspense!

When they reach the kitchen, the six are informed that there are now only two spots left. The good news is that they'll be able to cook whatever they want.

Normally, this would make the chefs happy. However, one of our hopefuls, a defensive young lady who cooks for a cruise ship, feels she'd do better with some limitations.

Quickly, the stampede begins and, moments later, we see that one chef has sliced his hand open and is bleeding like Dan Akroyd-as-Julia Child all over the kitchen. But this shall not stop our intrepid chef, who actually continues cooking with one hand while the medics scamper alongside him and tend to his wound.

Meanwhile, in between dry heaves, I keep imagining if the extra iron now being infused into his dish will be a plus or a minus in the taste department.

Once the plates are all presented to the judges, the panel picks the two to go forward. They are ...

Edward Lee, 38 — 610 Magnolia (Louisville, Ky.) (Our corpuscular wonder. A natural chef for the Twilight/True Blood era.)

Grayson Schmitz, 28 — Exec. Chef (New York, N.Y.) (The chef who was nearly torpedoed by the James Bond wannabe chef who was eliminated last week after he couldn't manage to slice up some pork properly and left her with nearly nothing for the judges. Also admits to having aspired to nothing greater than drinking at age 15.)

This season, however, we have A New Twist!

In a move unprecedented in modern reality show history, each week's eliminated chef will be sent to ... Redemption Kitchen! There, they will have to live alone and subsist on gathered nuts and berries while they await the arrival of the next eliminated chef. And each week, exclusively online at CBS.com, the two chefs will battle it out in a Duel to the Death! After x weeks of this, the one surviving chef will be granted the right to reenter the competition after having fricasseed each of their previous rivals.

And how, you may ask, will the wily producers decide to start this spectacle? Naturally, they'll pick the last two chefs to be eliminated in the Dance for your Life portion of our program.

"But, wait," you may ask. "Weren't there four chefs eliminated at this stage? Can there be a duel between four people. I mean, Survivor did something that stupid, but they don't have an Emmy."

Yes, gentle reader, there were four. But of these only two had the casting chops to be given this third shot at the show. They are/were ...

Janine Falvo, 37 — Briza Restaurant (Atlanta, Ga.) (Our spunky bad-luck pocket lesbian with a sad tale of being broken up with over the phone by a partner of nine years and a not-quite-good-enough watermelon-flavored scallop. ... Maybe it was the historical lesbian-scallop nexus that did her in. Think about it.)

Andrew Curren, 32 — 24 Diner (Austin, Tex.) (The other Texas chef. The "blessed" one who wasn't "blessed" enough to make it through on tries one or two.)

At Redemption Kitchen, (which is differentiated from the usual kitchen by virtue of its near-gothic lighting), Tom peers through the darkness and tells them to make a quick pizza. Andrew makes one without using cheese and narrowly edges out Janine for the chance to be sliced and diced by one of the chefs eliminated next week.

And Janine is told to throw her buff in the fire, go get some more experience and try again next time.

This season on Top Chef: Heat! Oxygen! Cowboy hats! Drama! And trip back to 2006 for some mothafuckin' snakes on a muthafuckin' plane!

Top Chef Texas: The Audition Rounds, Pts. 1 & 2 (of 7)

2011-11-06T19:00:00.000-05:00

November 2, 2011

Hey, kids! Guess who's back?

But seriously, how is a person to recap a moving target like this?

Here's my best effort (assuming, as always, that you saw the darned thing already).

Welcome to Season Nine of Top Chef! This time we're in the great city of Texas, thanks to the financial largess of the taxpayers of that great city.

What? We don't have a city this time? We have a whole freakin' state? Or at least three cities in one? And it's all on account of some folks not willing to pony up the bucks to keep the gang in one place for all 115 episodes? Well, yee-haw.

(Moment of personal ass-covering. I nearly ended up going to school in and, hence, living in Texas at one point. Ever since, I wake up every morning and thank the great Spaghetti Monster in the Sky that I didn't make that choice. I can reliably make myself feel better by remembering that no matter how bad things are where I am, at least I don't live there. ... And I started out in Florida.)

Anyhoo ...

The gang starts out in San Antonio at the site of the Celebration of Invading Settlers (Who, Incidentally, All Died), also known as The Alamo.

There, we meet the 726 contestants who have been lining up outside for three days for a chance to audition for a spot in the big show. As they file in, they're each amazed as to how many of them are there. In short order, Padma arrives to inform them that they'll each have to audition in front of producers for two days, be culled down to a reasonable 342 finalists, of which only 29 will be able to audition for Randy, Paula and Simon.

Strangely, they seem to be cool with this. Also, we have a refreshing lack of people in funny costumes and stories of having overcome pleurisy and foreclosure. So there's that.

Once inside, we learn that the horde has been split into three more manageable groups which will audition singing a pre-determined oldie chosen by the producers and a cooking a protein of their choice.

Here's where it gets neigh impossible to recap.

Somehow, it seems that this is a sudden-death kind of thing when we see Cocky 22 year-old Douchebag Chef get cut on the spot after he massacres a pig in a totally unacceptable pig-massacring manner. Booyah.

As the hour goes on, we learn that after the chefs cook their dish, the judges will decide whether they will be awarded a golden ticket to Hollywood/plane ticket to Vegas, be sent right home to cry in their pig bellies or will have to cook/dance/sing for their lives in a second attempt to be cast.

By the time it's all over, we learn that a fatal time-management mistake will 86 you from this barbecue. Also, any association with the city of Seattle for some reason.

We end up with a handful of disarmingly un-tattooed chefs still sitting in Limbo waiting to perform the choreography for the judges in next week's round, four chefs out (three of which, as I mentioned earlier, had the bad luck of having hailed from Seattle), and 11 chefs moving into Casa Cuisine #1. The rest will have to wait until next week, I guess.

The lucky eleven are ...

Nyesha Arrington, 28 — Wilshire Restaurant; Resides in: Los Angeles, CA (Hometown: Los Angeles, Calif.). (Seems very talented, is very easy on the eyes and appears to have a winning personality.)

Ty-Lör Boring, 34 — Spasso; Resides in: Brooklyn, N.Y. (Hometown: Kansas City, Mo.) (In keeping with a trend this season, has a pre-existing working relationship with another finalist. Destined to be my super-supreme crush-object this season.)

Chris Crary, 29 — Whist Restaurant in the Viceroy Hotel; Resides in: Los Angeles, CA (Hometown: Bucyrus, Ohio) (Exceedingly pretty and exceedingly confident chef. Given the grand critique of having made the best dish of the day. Could potentially be the obligatory Douchebag of the Season, depending on how things go/he gets edited. Still, gets mad props for having escaped Bucyrus, Ohio. ... And this observation comes from a close friend who made the same escape years ago.)

Richie Farina, 28 — MOTO (Chicago, IL) (The first member of the Chicago Mafia. The one with the combo mohawk/pompadour and the salty palate. Presently works with ...)

Chris Jones, 30 — MOTO (Chicago, IL) (The second member of the Chicago Mafia. Appears to be One To Watch, going from the edit.)

Heather Terhune, 39 — Sable Kitchen and Bar (Chicago, IL) (The third member of the Chicago Mafia and our first Woman of Size. Not a judgement, just an observation.)

Sarah Grueneberg, 29 — Spiaggia (Chicago, IL) (The fourth member of the Chicago Mafia and our second Woman of Size. Really don't want to think there's a connection between those two facts. But there you have it.)

Chuy Valencia, 25 — Chilam Balam (Chicago, IL) (Really? Another Chicago chef? ... Why'd they bother coming to Texas anyway? ... Anyway, our cute pocket Latino, despite the off-putting neck tattoo. Strikes me as gay. We'll find out later if my gaydar is working or totally off, I'm sure.)

Whitney Otawka, 30 — Greyfield Inn (Cumberland Island, GA) (Strangely meek, considering how much the judges seemed to like what she made. Fearless forecast says she will likely make it to the end or will be eliminated early. Again, we'll see.)

Keith Rhodes, 39 — Catch Restaurants (Wilmington, NC) (This season's obligatory Big Black Chef Dude. Likes fish.)

Dakota Weiss, 35 — 9:30 Restaurant and The Backyard (Los Angeles, CA) (I'm sure she's a lovely person. And I bet she's a really excellent chef. But ... 35? Thirty-five? Before they flashed her age on the screen I was sure she was at least 50. Must be the tattoos.)

Next week on Top Chef Texas: Parts 2-7 of the Audition Rounds. Tears. Blood. And the "bubble" pops for a few of the limbo'ed chefs. Tune in!

Top Chef Masters: Bug-A-Boo

2011-04-24T19:03:00.001-04:00

April 20.2011

Hey, kids. This ain't no recap.

But I didn't want you to think I'd forgotten about you.

See, there's been some serious family stuff going on and, well, blogging is hardly a priority. But now that life's back to normal, I thought I'd hit you with an amuse bouche.

So, what happened was basically ...

Bugs! Ick!

Have a blowtorch with your horned worm!

Losers! Winner!

Now, all be a team and survive a dozen curve balls.

No water!

No servers!

Puddin'.

And bossy Naomi.

Naomi wins! And Funny John of the Bandana is sent home for, in essence, boring Nina.

Now, what you've been waiting for.

How to identify a Maine Coon, be it a feline or a Master Chef.

Till next time!

- Cliffie

Top Chef All-Stars: Chefs Re-Untied

2011-04-10T18:27:00.000-04:00

April 6, 2011

Now, where were we?

Oh, yeah. See, there I was at 3 a.m. at the tail end of a a week-long cruise in the Caribbean, ready to head for home. And a few hours of airport hell later, I found myself driving seven hours through the night, snow and fog from DC to Ohio to arrive at 3 a.m.

That is what what you wanted to know, right?

Well, it's not as if you didn't watch the show.

But, in the interest of completion, here's what I missed from last time:

Still at the never-ending finale in the Bahamas, Padma made the dead rise from the ocean depths by showing off her "rockin' bikini bod" (™Kathy Griffin Enterprises).

Poor Antonia was eliminated on one bite.

All the chefs came back and some were picked as sous chefs.

Richard and Mike (aka "Giggles McGee") battled it out to make the dinner of their lives.

And the forces of neurotic-if-entitled-good beat the forces of dickish boorishness and Richard was awarded the title of Top Chef.

Oh, and not being able to let go of my internet addiction, I had to go and log on to Facebook the next day to see that someone posted the winner right on my wall, just to be sure I wouldn't miss it.

Not that I harbored the first illusion that I would have been able to avoid the news for four days. Still ...

So, this brings us to this week's All-Stars Reunion Extravaganza.

And by "Extravaganza" we mean an hour with Lazy Eye Andy, the judges, the chefs and the obligatory "bromance" footage.

While modestly entertaining (as these things go), there really isn't much to say. Here's what we learned.

Richard Blais: Winner O' Redeption. Now has another baby. I believe its name is Nitro. Still doesn't know when he's doing something right.

Mike Isabella: Still the biggest schmuck in Schmucktown. While we knew he had an obsession with expelling bodily gasses for everyone's amusement, we now know he also needs to constantly be publicly jiggling his tiny privates to make sure they're still there. Suspect those "eyes" tattooed on his hand may be so he can be sure that something will actually want to look at his junk.

Antonia Lofaso: Loved her before. Didn't think I could love her more. Then she went and delivered a speech about how she hates kids menus and how she's made sure her kid eats what she eats, not some dumbed-down version of food. And then I believe I saw a supernatural glow around her head.

Tiffany Derry: May or may not have actually been in the reunion. Possibly included in the played-out "Antonia, The Black Hammer" footage just because they needed to feature her someplace.

Carla Hall: Was voted Fan Favorite. As adorable as ever. Was compelled to "hootie hoo" at folks. Just because.

Dale Talde: Wore a hat.

Angelo Sosa: Has an avocado in his pants. I really could have happily gone to my grave without that wonderful and beautiful knowledge. I really could have. I wanted to.

Fabio Viviani: News flash. He's charming. He has an accent and a turtle. Oh, and a girlfriend. A non-reptilian one. I know this crushes your little heart into tiny turtle-shaped pieces.

Tre Wilcox: Was allegedly a contestant this season. If this proves to be true and not some green-screen CGI magic trick, we are to believe that Padma was extra sad to bid him adieu.

Marcel Vigneron: Is just as shitty a rapper set to music as he is without it. Still, less threatening than Rebecca Black.

Jamie Lauren: As deeply invested in the competition as ever. Admitted (now, on camera) that she gave up watching when she saw how she was edited (read: how she came off). Blames her failure to power through an injury to being shorter than other people.

Tiffani Faison: Fully redeemed. No longer bearing the stench of having been the wicked one. And glad to have not been rewarded for bad behavior her last time out.

Casey Thompson: Still rowr.

Spike Mendelsohn: May or may not still be regretting letting the world get a load of the jewfro in his elimination episode.

Dale Levitski: The voice of reason in the final conflict of the show. Shot down by a certain follically challenged show host. Does not need your shit. Dude's got a James Beard nomination now.

Stephen Asprinio: Mercifully silent.

Jennifer Carroll: Still the gangsta-est chef in the Stew. Impressed Gail with her expletive-laden departure. Owing to an apparant makeover, may or may not be looking for extra work as a Tawny Kitaen impersonator.

Elia Aboumrad: Oh, this one's gonna need its own section. Oh, yes it is.

Aside from the chef-specific bits and the oh-so-special awarding of the Top Chef fleece, we also got to see Padma try to be shocking for the sake of being shocking by suggesting she'd like to get jiggy with two of the female chefs and would like to perform a particular sexual act she just learned, on Antonio. For a moment, this caused Andy Cohen's eyes to uncross. (Joke provided by ™Kathy Griffin Enterprises.)

But the whole reason for watching this snoozefest was the slapfight between Elia and Tom Cohostio. See, after her elimination she gave an interview (or a few) in which she bitterly railed against the soul-patched-one for selling out to the Coca Cola company and for selling corn-fed beef in his steakhouse.

After that (possibly ill-advised) move, the bear icon went off on the chef and pointed out that he doesn't shill for high fructose corn syrup at all! He sells Diet Coke which has no high fructose corn syrup. He's a shill for aspartame and potassium benzoate, thank you very much!

So, Andy has Elia dive into this muck (the topic, not the can o' chemicals) and she reluctantly obliges.

And for the next three hours the junior and senior chefs battle it out, causing everyone in the room to want to drown in a vat of artificial coloring and flavoring.

And when it's all over, Tom reveals himself to be a petty, defensive, thin-skinned overindulged prick.

And that's just a sad ending to an actually interesting season.

Oh, and in case you're among the few who read this, I'm still totally on the fence about blogging Top Chef Masters. Let me know your thoughts about this or anything else in the comments and/or on our Facebook page. It's nice to know, for good or ill, that anyone's paying attention.

Chowders!

Top Chef All-Stars: Finally, Pt. 2 (Or, Attack Of Da Conch Sukas)

2011-03-20T19:00:00.001-04:00

March 16, 2011

Previously on Top Chef: The final five arrived in the Bahamas for the beginning of the marathon finale. After a face-off with the chefs who won the finalists' original seasons, the five got deluded into thinking the Bahamas had a royal family, set a restaurant on fire, had to start over ... and poor Carla was sent packing.

After Carla is booted, the chefs ruminate on her elimination and do the whole "we're almost at the end" thing. They retire to their sumptuous digs at the Nassau Palms Hotel. Richard wears a silly hat to sleep and we get the overwhelming joy of knowing what DoucheyMike looks like in bed.

Quickfire Challenge

The gang heads down to the hotel kitchen where they are met by Padma and NBC cross-promotionalist, Venezolana exquisita Lorena Garcia. The theme of this challenge will be "consistency."

The premise: The chefs will break into pairs and will have to create 100 plates which, in addition to being delicious, will have to be be "consistent." They'll have to look "consistent." They'll have to taste "consistent."

The boys end up pairing up against the girls. Consistent.

Richard and DoucheyMike decide that since they're clearly superior to the women in every way, they'll win easily by making their own pasta and preparing the 100 identical plates in the hour's time.

The women, Antonia and Tiffany, decide to do (what the guys tell us is) a simpler dish, a cold dish something that involves seared meat on a salad of some kind. (Reminder: I love eating fine meals. I don't understand cooking for squat.) However, while the preparation of the meal itself may be simpler, the fact that there are four separate components to the dish means that it is theoretically harder to make all the plates the same.

Richard dismisses what the women are doing as being "sear and serve," something the chefs do when they can't think of anything else. DoucheyMike remarks that if his team had tried that, he could have sent Richard out for beer while he did it all himself. Consistent.

When time is called, Padma and Lorena each pick two numbered plates at random. Pads picks a number of an "important birthday" in her family. Lorena picks 62 and 89. (Golly, could it possibly be her birth year and the year she was married?)

The judges love both teams' offerings. And they think the dishes from both teams are "consistent."

But, based on the level of difficulty with having to put together four components the same way for 100 dishes, rather than serving a simple (yet "consistent") ladle-full, the win goes to ... Team Estrogen.

Tiffany shrieks. Also consistent.

And the boys are reeeeeally upset. Antonia contemplates their salty, sour grapes.

With that out of the way, it's now time for the ...

Elimination Challenge

The chefs will be preparing a lunch for the members of the Lily White Yacht Club of The Bahamas who are celebrating its 80th anniversary. And they want conch. They're suckers for conch.

So the chefs get on yet another boat, making this officially The Season Of Dramamine.

The clock on the challenge is to start the second they hit the beach. And as they near their destination, the chefs see that they will be cooking with wood fire grills. And there appear to be some crates awaiting them on the beach where they'll be cooking and serving.

They jump in the water and immediately book it towards the sand to be the first to get their hands on the best proteins.

Here is where a bit of clever editing takes place. We first see them opening crates marked "Lobster" and "Grouper" which contain the chilled goods. And then, when they open the one marked "Conch," we hear Richard in voiceover ask, "Where's the conch?" as they look inside and discover that it contains only snorkeling gear. (Translation: They'll have to go snorkeling to retrieve the conch, which have been conveniently scattered under the sea by some Magical Elves.)

Of course, if you were looking closely, you'd have noticed that the conch crate was one of the first ones they opened. But where's the drama in seeing them make the discovery and then watching them stop to consider things, before production says it's time to go for a swim?

Now, what happens next is something that has scarred me deeply. If you saw it, you have my condolences.

DoucheyMike. Shirtless.

Not hungry. Not anymore. Probably not ever again.

So, from my position curled up in fetal position in the corner, I see through my inflamed eyeballs the four chefs struggle to gather up the conveniently scattered sea creatures from the sea bed. (Who knew conch love to space themselves out so evenly?)

Antonia's a strong swimmer and does rather well with the task. The others, though, seem to have trouble understanding the "you'll have to go underwater to actually grab the conch" concept.

Once back on the beach with their shellfish, they set about trying to get their conch to come out of the shells. While they go hammer-and-tongs at the critters, both Richard and Mike mention that they've spent a great deal of time having worked with conch before.

Well, they are guys, after all.

But aside from that, it's a testament to the fact that these two did work and research in the months leading up to this Bahamian experience, practicing with the ingredients which are most common here.

Not so much with the ladies. Both Antonia and Tiffany express that they've never worked with conch before.

No joke here. This just saddens me deeply. I really would have hoped that they would have known that their extant (though great) skills alone would likely not be enough to win the big prize this time.

While they chik-chik-chik way at the conch, Mike shows us that he's even one-up on Richard in knowing that dropping the shell in hot water gets the conch to let go and slip out easily. Oddly, no one else seems to catch on to this.

As they cook, they all remark on how sandy everything is and how it will be near impossible to not end up with some sand in their dishes. And I start to get itchy just thinking about it.

The four describe what they're preparing and Richard goes against expectations in saying that he's making a dish which is more Long Island than it is Bahamas, offering up a play on linguine and clams, with conch in place of the clams and sliced sweet potatoes masquerading as pasta. (I had been waiting I-don't-know-how-many weeks for Richard to pull out his patented something-disguised-as-something-else trick.)

Tiffany tells us she likes things that have hot and cold elements in them and will be making a hot conch chowder with a cold ceviche on top. Antonia is making a fish dish with diced conch on top.

And Richard is using every local ingredient, element and cooking technique at his disposal for his dish. He's searing sweet pineapple to make it savory. He's making a conch vinaigrette. He's wrapping fish in a banana leaf. He's getting in a dig at Elia (who was eliminated first for a fish-in-a-banana-leaf dish).

Still consistent.

Finally, the Lily White Yacht Club members arrive for their meals to be served by the Not-So-Lily-White Servant Class Club. They have some totally engrossing stories to share about term limits for the club's commodores, small sailboats for children and how to achieve that perfect Ken Burns bowl-cut-n-bangs look.

The chefs each serve their dishes and everything seems to go over quite well for the most part. The only issues are that Mike's fish was a mite greasy, Antonia's conch may have been diced too finely and that Tom can't tell that Richard's "pasta" isn't actually pasta until filled-in by Gail.

Tiffany is the last one to serve and we see that she's actually ready to serve well before time. This results in her soup sitting for longer than it should and, by the time it's eaten, it's cold.

Oh, and during our Fakeout Scene, we discover that Richard and Mike don't have the first clue about Gilligan's Island, seeing as they think Tiffany is the Ginger of their squad. (Not that she's a Mrs. Howell either. ... If anything, she's a Gilligan.)

Judges' Table

Was this even necessary? Did anyone think this would go any other way?

Mike was given the win and his head expanded past the side of his still-expanding waistband, crowing how he beat Season Six champ Michael Voltaggio last week and how he's beat Richard two Elimination Challenges in a row. He's only sorry that there's no one left back in the Stewed Room to get a load of his greatness.

The load.

With that, the judges nitpick about Richard, Antonia and Tiffany's dishes before the inevitable is announced.

"Tiffany, please pack your knives and go."

They just couldn't get past the cold soup.

They head back to the Stewed and let Mike know that she's gone. The smile on his face translates to, "Yeah. You should have gone home ages ago, chickie. See ya in Texas sometime. Hugs."

Tiffany cries again.

Consistent.

Next time on Top Chef: The 32-episode-long finale continues. Celebrity chefs. Something going rancid. And a mystery envelope?

Also ... I'm going to be incommunicado from roughly the moment after the next episode airs to past the end of the never-ending finale. So, it's really unlikely that there's going to be a recap next week and really really unlikely that there's going to be a recap of the actual, likely infuriating crowning. This upsets me. But I'll probably be more upset when I hear who won.

Top Chef All-Stars: Finally, Pt. 1 (Or, Da Fryah Fiyah)

2011-03-13T19:06:00.000-04:00

March 9. 2011

Previously on Top Chef: In the last competition before the finale, the chefs took a boat ride, got back to their roots and discovered that Antonia and DoucheyMike are distant cousins, something we will now hear about incessantly. And when it was all over, we realized we had just wasted the last hour-and-change since no one was eliminated.

Ooh, la la la, ooh la la. It's betta in the Bahamas.

Well, that's the way the song goes. We'll have to see.

It's finale time, months have gone by as the final ~~four~~ five are seen arriving at a fort in Nassau. (I'd investigate which one, but I really don't care that much. A cursory search though suggests it's probably the creatively named "Fort Nassau.") Antonia arrives and reflects on the ups and downs she's had on her way to the finish line.

Soon she's joined by Carla, who has veered sharply from the top to the bottom of things this season. And then who should show up but forgotten American Idol winner David Cook!

A tween David Archuleta fan runs up and kicks him in the nuts. And only then do we realize it's actually Richard with a new color process, 'do and facial hair.

Moments later, on comes DoucheyMike, and Antonia greets him as her long-lost cousin.

Did I not tell you this thread would be eternal?

Da Douche tells us that he's spent the intervening hiatus investigating cooking techniques across D.C. , spending extra time on pastry cooking. ... And pastry eating, it seems.

After the meet-and-greets, the chefs turn a corner and arrive at the ...

Quickfire Challenge

The chefs are greeted by Tom and Padma and the chefs who won the five remaining finalists' four different Top Chef seasons: Stephanie Izard (Season Four), Hosea Rosenburg (Season Five), Michael Voltaggio (Season Six) and Kevin Sbraga (Season Seven).

Immediately, DoucheyMike is pumped, since he imagines that this means he'll get to be on a team with Michael, who won his season. But, no. Tom informs them that each contestant chef will cook head-to-head against their season's winner, making one dish. The winner of each face-off will be awarded $10,000. (Since Stephanie will be facing off against two chefs -- Antonia and Richard -- she will have two opportunities to win with one dish.) The teams will each have to work with a different protein which Tom has selected in advance.

When they lift the lids on the mystery boxes, they are all a mite surprised to find rather conventional meats there (veal, lamb, duck and pork), since they had psyched themselves up for more island-centric dishes.

Go!

They cook. Stephanie tells us she wants to win everything. DoucheyMike thinks he'll slow Michael down by having him butcher the duck. And Hosea tells us in so many words that the entire world still resents the fact that he won his season.

As time ticks away, both Carla and Antonia remark that their portable burners (or whatever they're called -- I can't cook, remember?) aren't staying on. For Antonia, this means that her veal isn't so much being fried as it is being steamed. For Carla, this means her rice isn't cooking properly.

So, in a moment of on-the-spot miscalculation (sadly, one of many), Carla decided to dump her rice into the same pot with her lamb and instantly regrets the decision. She informs Hosea that she probably just handed him $10,000, which, when you think about it, is apt, since she's done that before. Hosea, Pyrrhic Victory 2 is on hold for you.

Once, time is called, Tiffany scores against Kevin with her pork dish, which earns her her first (!) win of any kind this season. As expected, Carla's undercooked rice results in Hose Man getting another win-by-default. In a split decision, DoucheyMike gets to say he beat out Michael for once with his duck dish.

One of them declares this "awesome."

In the face-off of Antonia vs. Stephanie, none of the judges is particularly enthused with either chef's veal dishes. But, as someone has to win, Stephanie is given the money. Of course, she's not too thrilled to win "for a crappy dish."

Turning to Richard's veal two-ways, the judges love it and don't even have to think about awarding him the $10K against Stephanie's winning/losing dish.

Once the veteran winners (and Hosea) leave, Tom, Padma and guest/returning judge Eric Ripert inform the chefs about the ...

Elimination Challenge

They are told that for this contest, they will be preparing a meal for a "very prestigious" event and that they will be cooking for "Bahamian royalty."

Yeah, there's no way that's a "twist." There's never a "twist." Especially in a series finale.

With that, the competing chefs head off to Nassau's sumptuous Red Carpet Inn to check out their luxurious digs and speculate about the prospect for cooking for "the king and queen of the Bahamas."

This, of course, sends me into fits of insanity, screaming at the set, "Who the fuck thinks the Bahamas has or has ever had its own king and queen?! How? Why? And why the fuck are Americans so consistently fucking stupid about the rest of the fucking world?! Fuck!"

OK, I got that out of my system.

But, seriously. Aside from the rulers of the pre-Columbian indigenous kingdoms of Central and South America, could anyone even imagine how a Western Hemisphere country would even have a royal family (not including their ruling European kings and queens)?

OK, maybe it was still in my system.

Anyhoo ...

The chefs (wearing their ready-for-the-royals t-shirts and jeans) are super excited when they are picked up at their hotel by Cadillac Escalade™ with a police escort, clearly a signal that they're going to the Bahamian Royal Palace & Candy Cane Fairyland.

(Note: In a particularly hysterical moment, this show, lord of all that is corporate sponsorship, grand ruler of "We arrived in our Dodge Dakota 4X4s" or whatnot, blurred out the SUV's Cadillac nameplate as it pulled up and had DoucheyMike describe it as "this truck.")

As they travel to the Imperial Castle Of Bahamian Duke and Duchesses, the chefs discuss how they expect to be heading into some "mack daddy" kitchen and cooking for well-heeled people with the most refined of palates. And, in a move no one could have possibly seen coming, they soon find themselves, not in a posh neighborhood of royal guards, footmen and ladies-in-waiting, but along a pretty standard restaurant row. And, what's this? Look! There's a party going on in front of one.

It's Junkaroo! And, aha! There's a man with a crown!

He must be there to guide them to where Bahamian King Xavier Doesn'tthefuckexist lives!

Now, everybody dance!

Tom exits from the restaurant and informs the gang that this man with the colorful garb and crown is the King of Junkaroo and they will be cooking for him and his krewe.

Oh, you coulda knocked me over with a yellow headdress.

Richard, Mike and Antonia immediately start to sweat over the fact that they've prepared dishes that are probably too refined for the street-dancing krewe. But Tiffany, who had planned on sticking with her down-home cooking concept, is actually quite thrilled with this development.

They rush into the restaurant's exceedingly humble (read: small and ill-equipped) kitchen and start cooking. (They had gotten to do their prep work at the Red Carpet Inn's kitchen earlier.)

But as she drops some plantains into a deep fryer, Antonia The Instant Psychic starts to notice that there's something wrong with the one next to hers. It's smoking. And not like Kelly from last season, either.

She has Carla turn down the heat, but that doesn't seem to help.

She says the magic words. "Fire fryer."

And BOOM the entire thing goes up in flames.

When will Antonia ever learn? If she vocalizes something it will happen.

Antonia, can you come over here and say, "iPad 2 for Cliff." Please?

The chefs throw towels over their food and are forced to exit the kitchen so that the firefighters can put out the blaze.

But as the men with the fire-retardant do their work, back in the dining room there's another Blaise causing a different kind of meltdown. With this unexpected time to kill, Antonia is stressing again that her concept is too highbrow for the audience. And Richard, wishing to get into her head and do some psychological warfare, encourages her to go with her heart.

"This is a competition."

Everyone drink.

Once the fire is out, Tom goes in to examine the damage and quickly realizes that since chemicals have gotten over everything, including all the food, there's no way they'll be able to cook in there now.

He tells the chefs that they will be scrubbing this batch and the kitchen, but not the challenge. The chefs will have to go back to the Red Carpet Inn and start their prep all over again and will be coming back to the restaurant and cooking later.

This, of course, comes as a blessing to Antonia (and, theoretically, to Richard), who takes this opportunity to completely reformulate her dish. Tiffany, though, is pretty damn pissed, since this eliminates her (perceived) advantage and the element of surprise.

They cook again. They come back again. And, at I Don't Know When O'Clock, they finally get to serve their dishes to the Royal Order Of The Boxing Day Dancers.

But the food doesn't particularly impress.

Judges' Table

Padma calls all five chefs before the judges and each dish is critiqued.

Tiffany's was way too simple and, for the umpty-umpth time, she's criticized for having called her dish something. In this case, she's slammed for having called it a "curry"-something when it didn't have that kind of flavor.

Carla suffered from Carla-itis, having yet again opted to employ a technique she's never tried before in a finale. This resulted in Gail's pork having been totally undercooked. It doesn't look good for her. Again.

Mike is generally praised for his sous vide chicken, a dish he didn't change at all from before fuego interruptus. But even he gets knocked around a bit for what he presented.

Antonia gets it for her Take Two Shrimp Grits & Mystery Meat. The poor girl is totally dejected, since she knows she shouldn't have changed horses mid-stream and really didn't like her dish at all.

And even Richard gets a going-over for his dish, which split Tom and Eric.

But the win goes to ... Mike.

Yay.

Back in the Bahamian Room Of Stew, the chefs discuss nuts and nonsense, going over each of their dish's failings. Richard, our resident head case, reveals that he is such a second-guesser that he "hates" everything he does.

I can't stand people who do that.

Or maybe I don't. I need to think about that.

Back before the judges, the knives come out.

"Carla, please pack your knives and go."

Awwww. Well, it's not like we didn't see that coming.

But it's not nearly as bad as what I think I see coming now.

Next time on Top Chef: The finale ... continues? Padma causes sexual arousal from the Bahamas to the shores of Gitchy Gumee. And the chefs have to snorkel for snacks.

* Note: I just discovered something I find insanely upsetting. If Wikipedia is to be believed, the actual final episode will not be March 23, but March 30, a date on which your gentle blogger is not going to be anywhere he can see the show, but will likely be spoiled on it anyway. What this means is that if a final recap even happens, it's going to come from someone who's likely to be very bitter for more reasons than the expected one.

Top Chef All-Stars: You Eat What You Are

2011-03-06T18:40:00.000-05:00

March 2, 2011

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs had to make Southern food for 3,000 guests (give or take). We were "treated" to seeing a bunch of eliminated chefs come back to help. The pressure clearly got to most everyone and Carla, Tiffany and Dale were on the bottom of the challenge. When it was all over DickyDale was shown the door. And he managed to walk through it without tearing it off its hinges.

We start out in the Stewed Room with Richard saying that Dale's departure is the first one he's really felt badly about. (Which means he was probably lying when he said about the same thing about Fabio's exit.) And DoucheyMike remarks how Tiffany managed to escape elimination yet again, calling her "bulletproof." (Translation: He remarked on how she's managed to stay over his last two buddies.)

Quickfire Challenge

As the chefs finish up breakfast (?) at Casa Cuisine, the they start to wonder what could possibly be the next challenge. And here is where Antonia "Instant Psychic" reveals her heretofore unseen talent for precognition when she imagines that Padma will likely appear in their apartment for the Quickfire.

And, like Beetlejuice, poof!, there's Padma!

Of course, you may think the hostess with the mostest may have other things in common with the "bio-exorcist" of film lore. But I'll leave that to you.

The chefs, naturally, are shocked. Padma tells the chefs to don their smocks head to the roof for further instructions. Once there, Padma tells them that their challenge will be revealed on Ellis Island and tells them to head to the docks.

DoucheyMike finds this "awesome."

The chefs board the Miss Freedom (contrary to public opinion, not one of Charlie Sheen's "goddesses") and discover a note along with their chef kits atop the ferry's snack bar.

Their challenge will be to create a dish using only the gross food they find behind the snack bar. And as an extra twist, their timer will be the ship's horn. When it blows, the challenge starts. When it blows again, it stops. And there's no telling how much time there will be in between.

After a few tense moments of anticipation, the horn blows and they're off.

What happens next is generally sick-making. Owing to the extra-limited options, the chefs are left to, in essence, repackage and repurpose what's already there with little opportunity for actual creativity.

Richard pulls out his MRE (Meals Ready-To-Eat) kit from his gear and puts together a hot dog with various items on top. Antonia shuffles the ingredients from a few different sandwiches and fries them on a hot dog grill. Carla goes for a fresher option by slicing up some fruit and "infusing" it with some rosemary and some bottled juice. Tiffany makes your standard snack bar nachos and has time to pop some popcorn. And DoucheyMike creates a lovely bowl of upchuck. With cheese. And ground-up hot dog buns.

As this goes on, each of the chefs gets to say how great his or her offering was compared to everyone else's crap. And, after the hysterical vision of the chefs trying to guess when their time will be up, they finally land and Padma and guest judge Dan Barber climb on board and are made to eat this stuff.

Later, on land, Barber delivers his verdict, deeming Mike's bowl o' vom' the worst along with Tiffany's lazy nachos. And the best "dish" (or plastic container of substance in this case) goes to ... Carla.

Richard, of course, is not amused that Carla won for just having "sliced some oranges."

Look, it's a wonder that anyone could win that challenge at all. Seriously.

Elimination Challenge

Once that abomination is over, Padma explains that for this challenge, in honor of Ellis Island's special place in the history of the American immigrant, the chefs will be digging into their genealogical roots and preparing a dish based on NBC's latest hit Who Do You Think You Are?, presented by ancestry.com.

To assist in this process, the producers have enlisted the services of Hollywood investigator Anthony Pellicano who has created a dossier of family photos, birth records and secret wiretap recordings. And to help them go through all this information, they have brought in some special guests.

Cue the loved ones.

Normally at this point, we'd see each loved one either paired up with a different chef who would have to make a dish for him or her, or there would be some kind of challenge where Tiffany's mom would have to race out into the East River to retrieve a bag of puzzle pieces and get them back to Carla's husband before Richard's pregnant wife can start a fire using only flint and liquid nitrogen.

Instead, the chefs and loved ones get to quietly sit on benches and look over the materials. But, what's this? Yes, it seems that the lovely Antonia and the un-lovely Douche are actually distant relatives, both coming from the same family in Sicily.

I groan. Because I know that this will start us on a new, never-ending storyline of long-lost-cousins-who-hated-each-other-and-now-have-each-other's-back-despite-their-differences.

And we'll get a retelling about how these differences involve a certain chef's propensity for expelling gas and liquids from his body and sending in the other's direction.

Over the next 40 minutes, I am proven right. Repeatedly.

Also in the no-surprise department, we see everyone look at his or her ancestry and read into their forbears character traits that explain why they love to cook certain things a certain way.

Richard's background is Irish and English and he finds that someone had a meat market and someone was a scientist. Proof that he was born to be a molecular gastronomist extraordinaire.

Tiffany's and Carla's backgrounds were from various parts of the American South. And newfound cousins (identical cousins all the way, one pair of matching bookends, as different as night and day) Mike and Antonia come from an Italian background.

They head off to the Piggly Wiggly for ingredients before eventually arriving at the location of the challenge to cook.

The judges and loved ones arrive to eat and make nice with each other before service begins. One by one, the chefs present their extraordinary dishes to the delight of all of those assembled. Richard's wife calls the presentation "awesome." Not a single negative word is spoken about any item, neither by the family members nor the judges. Finally, the love-fest gets so fevered that Antonia's mom asks Tom if there's ever been a final five.

I believe this is called the "What hath God wrought?" moment.

After the lovin' and a discussion about how Carla and her husband met through a dating web site (which isn't a paid sponsor?), the chefs embrace their loved ones and get the lowdown on how everything was just great. Professional worrywart Richard gets bucked up by his mate and I could have sworn I heard Mike say something to his mom about "the Bahamas." (On second listen, the husband informs me that he was actually saying, "... if my mom was judge ..." So maybe I just got some of that Antonia psychic juice on me.)

Judges' Table

The chefs are super enthused that everyone loved everything, which Carla finds "awesome." And then Padma appears to call all five of them before the judges.

The adoration continues there, as the chefs get wet kisses from the judges for each of their incredible dishes. After the deliberation, Dan Barber reveals the winner of the challenge (and a pre-owned, fully equipped 1974 Gremlin) is ... Antonia!

Woo hoo!

So, Antonia is headed to the finale which will be in ... the Bahamas! (Score one for second sight Cliffie.)

And after an awkward re-dubbed voiceover from Tom, Mike discovers that he, too, is headed for the finals. The newfound relatives head off to the Stewed Room to celebrate, one by flinging boogers at the other and the other by ducking and now finding this "charming."

Back at Judges' Table, the panel tells the three remaining chefs that they had to resort to nitpicking and ...

"Richard ... please pack your knives ... because you're going to the Bahamas!"

Now, why would they do this to a person? I thought the guy was going to jump right out of his fauxhawk.

After a quick visit to his cardiologist, Richard joins Mike and Antonia back in the Stewed.

Which leaves Tiffany and Carla.

Who both get to go to the finale.

Hugs. Love. Adoration.

And it's great that they all got to go, since no one did anything the least bit wrong.

Yet, it makes you wonder why you sat through the last hour and fifteen minutes.

Next time on Top Chef: The final rounds begin! The Bahamas! Snorkeling! And see how well Padma finally shook off that baby weight! Va-va-voom.

Top Chef All-Stars: What You Do Mickey! Oooh, Mickey!

2011-02-27T20:20:00.001-05:00

February 23, 2011

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs were called upon to make an overnight, 40-minute informercial for an overgrown five-and-dime and were rewarded with a pile of cash for their trouble. After straining their calves running the length of the Uzbekistan-sized, suburban monstrosity Dale came up roses for having made whimsical stoner food. And owing to an overly-salted dish (and unfortunate hosiery), Angelo was sent packing.

We start with the chefs bemoaning Angelo's departure for about thirty seconds before we see DickyDale pound his chest over how he "crushed" the last competition, having won both the Quickfire and Elimination Challenges.

That's never a good sign.

Back at Casa Cuisine, we also get the stage set for us when we see Richard explain to us that he's been keeping detailed journals of what he imagines he's going to want to prepare in the challenges. And we see him show off his handiwork to DoucheyMike who in no way would ever think to appropriate ideas from his far-superior competitor.

Quickfire Competition

The chefs enter the Corporate Synergy Kitchen to find Padma and noted cardiovascular super-villain, Paula "The Valve Closer" Deen.

OK, you know how some people have visceral reactions to some people and ... well, just hate them for totally irrational reasons? For some people that's called getting a "January Jones." For me, Paula Deen makes me want to frame a frozen ham.

Oh, and to commemorate the occasion, why don't you get a song to go with your ham?

Superions - "Who Threw That Ham At Me?"

I don't know if it's the butter obsession, the "Southern charm" or the "food = love" nonsense. (Something about the South suggests to me that folks are probably either getting too much "love" or they need to adjust this cultural silliness.) It's probably a combination of all three, coupled with my general annoyance at regional accents. But I'm not a fan of the woman. At all. Take that for what it's worth. Which ain't much.

Anyway, as you'd imagine, the challenge will be to deep fry some crap and serve it up on a plate. Or two plates, if you're paying attention to the rules.

Sadly, Antonia wasn't. And when she serves her deep-fried shrimp cocktail and avocado and makes the Butter Queen ooze cholesterol from every pore, it makes the pain even worse when she learns she would have won the challenge had she just had the sense to follow instructions and make two plates for the judges.

Elsewhere in the kitchen, we see that DoucheyMike has decided to flat-out steal an idea he saw in Richard's journal that very morning and will be making a fried "chicken oyster" on an oyster shell. Honestly, it couldn't be more of a Richard dish if it had a brand on it that read "Official Richard Blaise Visual Pun™." And a fauxhawk.

And the douche thinks if he's smarmy enough in saying it was his dish, only having been "inspired" by Richard, that that will be cool.

For his own (actual) dish, Richard pulls out the liquid nitrogen for the umpty-umpth time and whips up some deep-fried mayonnaise. (As you'd expect, Empress Yeehaw adores it, but seems more interested in tossing off down-home aphorisms about Richard's hair. ... Myself, I gag at the concept. ... Or maybe it was an involuntary response at the Hee Haw humor.)

So, the losers appear to be Carla, who got all turned around making fried fish with hush puppies that the Deep Fried Diva likened to "spitballs," and Dale, who threw too much at his offering.

The real drama, though, lay with the winners, since Antonia was disqualified and the win (and $5K) was awarded to Da Douche for his Plate O' Plagiarism.

Swell.

Elimination Challenge

For this challenge, the chefs are also joined by noted New Orleans chef (and all 'round hottie) John Besh. The chefs will have to create dishes of Gulf seafood, enough to serve 300(!) people at a fundraiser for Besh's Gulf workers charity.

And, since they're going to be cooking so much food, they're going to get some help.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Cue the last six eliminated chefs, Tiffani, Spike, Marcel, Tre, Fabio and Angelo, who then enter the kitchen carrying aloft plates of raw, non-petroleum-based Gulf ingredients. The remaining chefs will have to pick an ingredient and a former competitor to serve as their sous chef. The catch? The ingredient and the chef come as a package deal.

After some discussion about how no one wants to work with Marcel, the teams shake out as follows.

DoucheyMike gets Tiffani and brown shrimp.

Richard takes Fabio and snapper.

Carla picks Tre and red grouper.

Tiffany gamely takes Marcel and the white shrimp.

Antonia lands Spike and his crabs. (Write your own joke.)

And Dale gets Angelo and amberjack (the seafood equivalent of a Great Dane, size-wise).

The teams get to work. Da Douche lucks out for the second time in an hour when he realizes that Tiffani has an advantage in this challenge, having worked in New Orleans for a time before. As a result, he takes her suggestion for a dish and lets her do the majority of the work, leaving him time to be a general asshole towards everyone while they cook.

Carla freaks out when she realizes that Tre is city folk and doesn't know the first thing about Southern country cookin'.

And it's generally agreed that Tiffany is the only chef capable of ignoring Marcel when he keeps piping up about how things should be done his way.

Back at the Casa Cuisine for the night, the chefs divide into their regular boys/girls camps. And in the girls' room, Antonia fills in Carla and Tiffany about Da Douche's general thievery. They are most not cool with this.

The next day, the chefs and sous chefs arrive at the Grace Adler Building for the Mass Dining Experience and totally freak out when the thundering hordes arrive and start demanding food.

Aside from the chefs being generally overwhelmed at the size of the crowd, the only real drama that happens is that Richard and Fabio have their first fight as a couple, Antonia learns that Spike makes an awful spy, and Dale is incapable of covering up when he's clearly stalling for time.

Judges' Table

Antonia, DoucheyMike and Richard get called up for having the best dishes. And after the usual attaboys, the win (and a trip to Barbados) is handed to ... Richard.

You'd think that would take the sour taste of Da Douche's general awfulness out of my mouth. But it doesn't.

This leaves the bottom three as Carla, Tiffany and Dale.

All episode, we saw Carla struggling with trying to live up to expectations on the Southern cooking challenge, which you'd assume would be her forte. And as one thing after another went wrong, it seemed pretty clear she'd be in serious trouble and would likely be going home.

And then there was Tiffany, who made a series of mistakes, most of which seemed to be tied to the pressure of having to make so much food for so many people that she left a key ingredient in the judges' dishes to be prepared by Marcel. Oh, and she didn't get to taste it before it was offered up.

But that was, it seems, all a feint. Dale, with his undercooked potatoes, mustard-heavy crouton and bad pantomime abilities, was the one sent packing.

And, once again, when the eliminated male chef goes back to the Stewed Room to announce his departure, DoucheyMike reacts with utter shock. Again, you can almost read the "You?! It should have been her! Why couldn't it have been her?!" on his forehead.

So, Dale goes home. In his final interview, he breaks down. I actually almost feel bad for the guy. Clearly, he's grown a ton both as a chef and as a person since his first season on this thing. He's no longer the crazed hothead he was before.

Now, hopefully, this new loss will let him lose that sense of entitlement. You know, for "growth."

Next time on Top Chef: Ellis Island. And we're on a boat.

Top Chef All-Stars: Come Back To The Five And Dine

2011-02-20T18:31:00.000-05:00

February 16, 2011

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs did a stint on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. Carla got orgasmic over chicken pot pie. And, after he was judged incapable of pronouncing the word "burger," Fabio di Firenze was sent packing.

After the usual liquor-and-coffee wake for the fallen chef, wherein Richard bemoans the loss of his accented buddy, we arrive in the Financial Opportunities Kitchen for the ...

Quickfire Challenge

There, Padma stands alone and begins to stiltedly recite her scripted couplets of Heidi Klum-like mystery. The chefs are appropriately quizzical until ... surprise! ... Muppets!

It's Elmo, and the Monsters Telly and Cookie! (Or is that Trekkie Monster? I can never tell those two apart.)

After some (actually) delightful banter with the Pads, the chefs are sent off to make coooooookiiiiiiies!

Richard has a kid who, like all toddlers, worships Elmo. So, he's eager to really make a good impression on the ticklish, furry three-and-a-half year-old. He decides he's going to do this by making frozen ice cream discs with zucchini and calling them cookies. He gets points for effort and a shout-out for his young'un, but not much else.

Antonia manages to produce ooey-gooey chocolate cookies which fare well, but are called out by Elmo for looking like cow chips. This embarrasses the chef greatly and she can't believe the red felt monster just said her cookies looked "like shit." Still, she did manage to get out one of the two favorite cookies of the lot.

Angelo gets called out by Cookie Monster for having made a cookie that was too dry. (This probably explains its ability to crumble and why you don't see any actually go down Cookie Monster's throat.)

But the win (and a $5K cash prize, thanks to the fine folks at the Chef Boyardee™) goes to Dick Dale (sans The Deltones) who made a non-bake shortbread and potato chips not-cookie. This, though, didn't go over too well with Antonia who calls him Dale "cookie cheater" for not baking at all. Still, the "cookie" sounded delicious. And its salty sweetness made Trekkie Monster want to double-click.

The entire scene is really just charming and leaves me with a huge smile on my face.

Unlike the rest of the episode.

Elimination Challenge

Once the felt creatures exit stage left, Padma explains that in their next challenge, the chefs will compete for the biggest single-challenge prize in Top Chef history. The chefs will have to appear in a grueling overnight challenge to sell the viewership on the many great features of shopping at G.C. Murphy™.

They will have the run of the Five & Dime overnight and will have to snag everything they're going to need to prepare a dish for 100 G.C. Murphy™ employees. This means running up and down the length of the store (now approaching the size of Winnemucca, Nev.) and snatching up hot plates, pots, pans, knives and ... all their food items.

In case you were comatose, this is to press into your wee noggins the fact that G.C. Murphy™ stores are going headlong into competition with The Borg™ in attempts to finally finish off every remaining independent grocery store chain in the the whole U.S. of A.

So, basically, it goes like this.

Dale creates stoner food, preparing a tomato soup and pressing his sandwich with a series of irons, just like he did when he was just a broke, overly aggressive college student. (Before he became a not-broke, still overly aggressive chef.)

In fact, almost everyone made a soup. Antonia, to her credit, goes against this trend, making the risky choice to prepare runny eggs as part of her late-night retail dining experience.

Tiffany didn't make a soup. But she seems to have shot herself in the foot when she made a "jambalaya." And, aside from not having the sense to put that in quotes, Season 4 Richard style, she prepared the dish with some dried creole spices. (Have we noticed that this is at least the second time that Tiff has been on the losing end of things for preparing something that she called "a take on" something when it's not that something at all?)

Meanwhile poor Carla spends what seems like hours running around the store (now grown to the size of Wyoming) looking to focus on tablecloths and centerpieces and not on her food.

And over with Angelo and Mikey (morning show name, Angie & The Douche), the boon companions are too busy calling each other "sweetie" and "honey" and slapping each other on the ass to notice that one of them is unconsciously sabotaging the other. (Hint: It's The Saboteur's turn to see what it feels like for a change.)

As the two make kissy faces (and soup), Angelo thinks his potato soup could be too bland. He asks Da Douche for advice. Mikey suggests more salt. Moments later, we hear that the soup is now too salty and see Angelo pouring more Perrier™ brand bottled water into it, presumably to dilute the salt.

It doesn't work.

Come time for ...

Judges' Table

It's Antonia, Dale and Richard who take top honors. And, thanks to his tasty dish, cheeky preparation and shrinking violet personality, Dale takes home the prize (and another $25K, thanks to the fine folks at G.C. Murphy™).

In a stark contrast to the times Antonia or Carla have headed back to the Stewed Room to announce their wins, Dale gets hearty congratulations from their colleagues. (And two "awesome"s from Carla.) And then it's time for the losing three to face the music.

Up for the knifing are Tiffany, Carla and Angelo. They pretty much know what they did wrong and the judges are happy to agree with them. Tiffany didn't actually make jambalaya and shouldn't have used the powdered spice. Carla should have added some kind of protein to her soup (instead of focusing on linens). And Angelo simply couldn't overcome an overly salty, too heavy potato soup.

As they prepare to head back to the Stewed Room, Tiffany makes a teary speech about how much this has all meant to her and we all get a mite misty at her presumed elimination.

But once they get back to the Stewed, Mikey actually high fives Angelo after Tiffany explains to the room what she did wrong. Angelo, though, tries to get through to his pal that he's probably the one going home.

Finally, when they're called back up, Padma delivers the verdict.

"Angelo ... please pack your knives and go."

Tiffany is stunned to have been saved yet again and gives her DC season castmate a sincere hug.

And then they head back to the Stewed to deliver the news.

Angelo tells the gang that it's his turn to go.

"You?! ... You?!" says a dumbfounded Mikey at the loss of his pal.

You can almost hear him saying, "Why couldn't it have been her!?"

Next time on Top Chef: The Chefs Meet A Butter Queen.

Top Chef All-Stars: Something Familiar, Something Peculiar ...

2011-02-13T18:31:00.000-05:00

February 9, 2011

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs competed to see which of them is the most-a Italian. After enduring 73 separate references to the craft services on the set of Goodfellas, Antonia edged out über-Italian Fabio for the win by serving up some mussels with fennel. Fabs got all pissy that that was a French dish. And Tre, the self-proclaimed "Black Italian," was eliminated, presumably for adopting that moniker.

We open, as usual now, with the chefs drinking and moaning how they're going to miss Tre's hysterical hijinks, crazy antics and witty bon mots back at Casa Cuisine.

As if.

Nope, instead we get to see Fabio continue his peevish nonsense about Antonia's mussels and how it was a French, not Italian, dish. (Which must be why that table of Scorsese extras awarded it the win.) And, true-to-form, DoucheyMike (aka "The Jersey Sore") is extra-douchey towards her as well, with Antonia noting that the ever-expanding chef is the only person who didn't congratulate her at all on her win.

Quickfire Challenge

The chefs arrive at the Kitchen Of Promotional Consideration to discover Padma in front of a collection of fondue pots. The challenge, she explains, will be to create a modern fondue.

Fondue, for the uninitiated, is a culinary concept most popular in the 1970s (and around Valentine's Day) wherein people pay exorbitant prices to eat pieces of bread, cheese, meat and vegetables which they will have the pleasure of cooking themselves. Every major city has only one establishment dedicated to this concept, as the market for fleecing people on their birthdays, anniversaries and prom season is only so lucrative.

Anyway, the chefs seem vaguely enthused to create their own takes on fondue. Well, most of them. Richard's game for the concept, but gives us all the willies invoking visions of his parents enjoying dipping long-stemmed forks into boiling hot oil while at parties, naked.'

And DoucheyMike? Well, he says he's never been to any "gay fondue parties."

So, in addition to being a raging sexist pig, he's also a marginal homophobe.

And a raging dick.

So there's that.

Padma explains to the chefs that for this challenge, they'll be judging each other and will be picking the three tops and three bottoms. Oh, and they won't be able to vote for themselves.

This makes the chefs ponder whether everyone's going to go all Big Brother with the voting, purposely sabotaging their fiercest competition or supporting their friends.

When the dishes are done, each chef presents his or her offering, and they taste. When Padma gets all messy eating one dish, someone quips that that would make a good commercial. Showing the first hint of self-depracating humor (ever), she jokes that she's already made that commercial.

Finally, the chefs fill out their (not anonymous) ballots, and the three bottoms are: Tiffany, for her deep-fried donut hole-like thing; PhobeyMike, for his when-in-doubt, go-Greek thing; and Fabio, for an unfortunate caviar blini on a fork.

The top vote-getters are: Antonia, for her Jewish deli-inspired dish; DickyDale, for his pho-ndue; and, surprisingly, Angelo, for some impossibly complicated concoction which even he didn't think was his best work.

And the winner (who doesn't get immunity, but does get a trip to Napa Valley and a tour of the Franzia vineyards) is ... DickyDale.

Golf claps.

Elimination Challenge

The chefs are sent to 30 Rockefeller Center on a mysterious mission. Angelo finds this "awesome." ShitheadMike is just fearful that someone's going to take him ice skating. (Cuz that's gay.)

They march themselves onto a soundstage and quickly discover that they're on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. And, whattaya know, there's Jimmy Fallon! (What were the odds of that?)

So, the chefs will have to prepare one of Jimmy's favorite dishes for a birthday luncheon the next day.

The chefs then compete in some strange and supremely-edited competition involving snapping cell phone pictures of traditional dishes as they whiz past them. (Considering the rules of the silly game, I imagine it probably took all day to line up each chef with a dish which hadn't been taken already.)

After all the pics have been appropriately snapped, the dish assignments (presumably Jimmy's favorites) are as follows:

Richard gets Ramen Noodles.

Tiffany gets Chicken and Dumplings.

Fabio gets to make a Burger with Fries on Top. (I gather this preparation is a regional thing in parts of the Northeast.)

Dale gets to make a Philly Cheesesteak sandwich.

Angelo gets to make a Pulled Pork Sandwich.

Mikey The Hutt gets to prepare Sausage and Peppers.

Antonia gets Beef Tongue.

And Carla goes totally orgasmic when she sees she gets to make Chicken Pot Pie.

Somewhere in the midst of all this, we get a commercial wherein the chefs act all excited to cook their sponsor overlord's ready-to-eat pasta dish and we are treated (forced?) to see Angelo prance about shirtless and get the heebie-jeebies when Dale enthuses over how attractive Angelo is.

(OK, it's all a matter of taste, I'm sure. But ... ew. No, thanks. Bring back Casey.)

Later, as the shopping and cooking commences, we see that Richard is going against type with this challenge, opting to make a very simple, traditional preparation, eschewing the expected elements of liquid nitrogen, foie gras and the USC Trojans Marching Band.

Meanwhile, Mikey (aka The Culinary Col. Kurtz) gets himself all kinds of worked up over Richard having the nerve to help Antonia with a pressure cooker. (It seems that beef tongue takes hours to cook and, had Richard not shown her how to get around that, she likely would have made a pretty awful dish.)

The guests and judges arrive at Tom Colicchio's restaurant, which Gail thinks is "awesome," and the luncheon begins.

As her serving time approaches, Carla is (aptly?) seeming like a "chicken with her head cut off," since she's under a severe time pressure having to prepare her pot pie in so little time. But she manages, and delivers a great dish.

However, Dale's Philly Cheesesteak isn't faring nearly as well, since his choice to use a salted pretzel roll on an already salty sandwich is making people awfully thirsty.

After some sexual innuendo from Jimmy's sidekick and an anecdote about why Jimmy hates mayonnaise, it's time for ...

Judges' Table

Antonia, Angelo and Carla are called before the judges and are told they had the winning dishes. To celebrate, they sing a song about beef tongue ... and three people rush to make that their ringtone.

And the winner of the challenge is ... Carla!

Hootie hoo!

Cue the Olive Oyl Dance of Joy.

And did we mention the lanky lass wins a trip to Tokyo, too?

The three tops head back to the Stewed Room Of Half-Hearted Congratulations and call up the three bottoms, Dale, Fabio and Tiffany.

Once before the judges, Dale is slammed for his overly salty sandwich, Tiffany is shamed for not having made doughy dumplings, and Fabio discusses boogers for some reason.

But, in the end, for having made a three-meat meatball passing as a booooooorger (with congealed cheese sauce on the side), Fabio Di Firenze is finito.

Fooey.

Next time on Top Chef: Cooooooookie!

Top Chef All-Stars: When You're Here, You're "Family."

2011-02-06T18:29:00.000-05:00

February 4, 2011

Previously on Top Chef: The All-Stars finally got to compete in the much-anticipated Restaurant Wars challenge. Dale made the smart move of putting Marcel in charge of the opposing team. And then we all got to sit back and watch DJ Marcel boil over and go on to get wickity-wickity whacked.

As has become the custom, we start the show with the chefs doing their own post-mortem on the previous elimination. Basically, no one seems at all sorry to see Marcel go. But while DoucheyMike seems especially glad to be rid of Lil Marce', it seems he isn't the most popular kid on the playground himself, with Antonia being particularly ready to see him sent packing.

Quickfire Challenge

The chefs arrive in the Kitchen Of Marketing Opportunities to find Padma and ... Isaac Mizrahi, co-host of the barely bearable The Fashion Show: Ultimate Collection.

Wha?

It seems that this week's challenge will be for the chefs to create a dish which will be judged solely on aesthetics and will not be eaten. ... OK, I call "shenanigans." What the fudge does Isaac Mizrahi have to do with any of this? Aside from having a self-professed love for things that are (raise right hand, palm facing you, spread fingers, and shake for emphasis) "FRESH!" he has as much right to judge these folks as I would. ... Which is not right. He may have an eye for color and style, but he's not a chef. He's not a graphic artist, a food stylist or a food photographer of great renown in the business. He's an extra from Fame who may be a decent designer but needs to pimp a show which has already completed its season.

And he also doesn't like people who wear brown.

At least we know they have achieved a new level of bullshit in Quickfire Challenges on this show. So, there's that.

Anyway, the chefs, appropriately chagrined at the assignment, set out to create ... well, food art.

When the stupid task is complete, we have some really random plates of food.

Antonia makes a somewhat interesting food bonsai project and is flummoxed by Isaac's critique about the scale of the seeds on the plate. To their credit, Antonia and Dale both report that they don't give a flying faux fur for Isaac's opinion of their work.

According to Iman's Sidekick, the bottoms are the presentations from Tre, who showcased an abstract series of dots of food; Dale, who offered a graffiti-inspired collection of colorful ingredients; and Angelo, who did something truly bizarre, presenting what appeared to be a vacuum-sealed bag of something-or-other atop the table onto which he scrawled the word "CROCODILE."

OK, that last one really sucked. Still, one's left to wonder if it was that Isaac didn't like it or if he was more offended that Angelo said that Roberto Cavalli is his favorite designer.

Still ... Sorry Angelo, your Work of Art did not work for us.

As for the winners, the dubious designer singles out Carla for her pretty offering of soup in a cucumber atop a cucumber latticework, Fabio for his really odd tuna-as-a-beauuuutiful-wooooman-in-the-rain and "Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy" inspirational saying combo, and Richard for an actually pretty impressive plate of grey chocolate something.

Clearly, Richard wins.

Incidentally, Carla was a fashion model? Very cool. But who saw that coming?

And, with that, we move to the ...

Elimination Challenge

The chefs pull knives and are a mite surprised by what's written on them. Names like "Vinny Carwash," "Baby Shacks" and "The Fang." ... Or something like that.

Well, it turns out they aren't mobsters. They're noted luminaries of a particular culinary institution, the exceptionally-hard-to-get-into restaurant, ~~The Olive Garden~~ Rao's.

It should come as no surprise that Italian-Of-All-Italians Fabio recognized the names as soon as they came out of the knife block.

The chefs are to compete individually, but they will be divided into three groups, each assigned to serve either the antipasti (starters), the primi (pasta), or the secondi (meat) course.

Here is where we learn (or are reminded for the umpteenth time) that three of our remaining nine All-Stars are Italian or of Italian extraction: Fabio, Antonia and DoucheyMike.

So, with that, here are our chefs' assignments and their dishes:

Antonia ("Mama Chow"), Tiffany ("The Fishmonger") and Carla ("Hootie"*) are to serve the antipasto dishes.

Mike ("The Paunch"), Dale ("Locker Punch") and Tre ("Tre") are to serve the pasta course.

Leaving Fabio ("The Knuckle Nibbler"), Richard ("Richie Nitro") and Angelo ("Sabotage Sal") to finish up with the meat course.

* In the FBI bust of some 100 alleged mobsters last week, there actually was one whose nickname was "Hootie." Which begs the question, In addition to fashion modeling, does our lanky lass have any other hidden skills?

The chefs get to grill their Rao's reps for tips on how to best honor the Italian dining tradition. On the women's team, Antonia again reminds us that she's an Italian-American. On the pasta team, DoucheyMike does a fist-pump, dons a velour track suit and chains and proudly proclaims his New Jersey-Italian cred. And Fabio hogs all the time with the Rao's icon, reminiscing about the old country.

After a day of shopping and prep, the chefs head to Rao's for the pastafarian experience of a lifetime. Antonia declared the place "awesome."

The ladies cook first and get along famously. And after a near-miss where Tiffany's polenta actually catches fire, the three serve and get near unanimous accolades from the judges which include Tom "Have I Mentioned Yet That I'm Italian-American?" Colicchio, Anthony "Sorry, Not Italian" Bourdain, the Rao's gang, a man in a spangly vest, and the cast and crew of The Sopranos. (OK, only Dr. Melfi. No reason to call out a hit. Please.)

Next to serve are the pasta boys. Things don't go well there at all. DoucheyMike, who says he's not comfortable being "the favorite" (or something like that), decided to make his own rigatoni after being told that he could easily use dried pasta. But it simply isn't cooked completely when it comes time to serve, and the diners are not pleased.

As for Dale, the resident hothead tells us (again) that he has a girlfriend for whom he cooks. And, seeing as Italian food isn't his thing, he foists it on her instead of on the people who would ostensibly be paying for it. ("Here, sweetie. I suck at this. Have some. I made it just for you.")

And according to the judges his Italian food is so good that he's likely to never get tail again.

Then there's Tre. He even says that people call him the "Black Italian." (Well, some people must, right?)

Tre made a risotto, thinking it's something he does quite well. (Cue footage of Tom and Tony raving about his risotto in his season and winning a challenge for it.) But earlier we saw that Antonia had her doubts about it. And when they taste it, the judges have little good to say about it.

Finally it's time for the Meat Heads. Fabio's pulled a Chicken Cacciatori out of his hat and everyone is impressed, with Bourdain thrilling that the dish's polenta wiped away the stain of the previous course. Richard and Angelo's dishes get general praise, but they weren't expected to win this one.

Come time for ...

Judges' Table

Padma calls up the women and Fabio first. This confuses the remaining chefs who can't see how Antonia, who served a simple family-style bowl of mussels and garlic bread, could not be in the bottom group.

But, yes, they are actually the top group. This makes Tiffany cry, coming as it does after last week's bloodbath at the Table where she narrowly avoided elimination. The chefs praise all four dishes, but the winner who most "honored the ingredients" (or something like that) is ... Antonia.

Cue Fabio looking hella pissed.

He tells us that Antonia's mussels dish isn't Italian at all, but is actually French.

And it goes really well with il grappolo pungenti.

The tops head back to the Stewed Room and Antonia announces her win to the dumbfounded others. In one of the most passive-agressive moments on this show, the non-tops wait a beat before even reacting and then only offer the most sarcastic golf claps ever.

"(Gee) Thanks," says an embarrassed Antonia as she sends the Boys Of Pasta off to meet their doom.

Once before the judges, Mike fesses up to having served undercooked pasta and seems to be ready to be axed. Dale mentally replays what he did wrong. And Tre gets a lesson in how not to prepare risotto. (Apparently, something should spread. I'm not sure. I kind of mentally wandered off there, though, thinking about Tre spreading.)

Later, the three are back before the culinary firing squad and Mike braces for the hit, shutting his eyes tight. But after the loser's name is called, Mike opens his eyes and has a shocked look of relief on his face, having just dodged elimination.

Then he looks to his left. And he sees that ...

Tre got the Italian boot.

Next time on Top Chef: Live! From New York! It's ... Jimmy Fallon. And something that should be a ringtone?

Top Chef All-Stars: Restaurant Squabbles!

2011-01-23T17:31:00.000-05:00

January 19, 2011

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs went a-fishin'. Someone grabbed someone's pole. And Carla won for making a bagel-inspired fish dish. Jamie was her usual whiny self and was finally eliminated. And since it was "let's eliminate lesbians" week, Tiffani was sent packing with her.

We're back, boys and girls. And it was the episode featuring the challenge that "everyone" most eagerly anticipates: Restaurant Wars. And by "everyone," I mean the chefs, since generally this challenge doesn't always deliver and about half of the time, the person eliminated isn't the one people think should go ... or is sent home for non-food-related reasons.

In any case, here's what happened, just to refresh your memory:

After the now-standard post-mortems about the previous week's eliminated chefs, the chefs arrive, not at the Kitchen O' Promotional Consideration, but at Eric Ripert's Le Bernadin. (I can only assume this was arranged once they knew that Ripert protégé Jennifer was eliminated.) There, Judge Sassypants (aka Anthony Bourdain) introduces them to super fish-butcher Justo "I'll Be Needing Subtitles" Thomas. When it comes to butchering fish, Thomas, it seems can do the work of 100 men in about 2.3 seconds.

Quickfire Challenge

Thus, the chefs will have an ample 2.6 seconds to butcher the entire contents of Lake Michigan. Go!

Some chefs immediately stand out, making reasonably quick work of the herring and zebra mussels. But others get hung up on the used condoms and the bloated corpse of Jimmy Hoffa. But seriously, DickyDale, Richard, DoucheyMike and MC SkatKat Marcel do a fine job and end up on the top. Totally chagrined are Carla, Antonia, Fabio and Tiffany. This is particularly sad for Tiff' as she works in a fish restaurant. Poor Tiff'.

Then, in a neat twist, the four tops have to prepare a dish using the remainders of their butchered fish, that is the heads, the cheeks, the fins and tails. Now that's a challenge. (Side note: Went to one of those "you go for the view" restaurants in Pittsburgh last week. I get the feeling the chef had to create a dish using only the bones. But I could be wrong.)

When they're done, Dale, Richard and DoucheyMike have made pretty snazzy dishes. DJ Marcie Vee is less successful. But, true to form, he insists that the judges have had their taste buds burnt out or some rot. (Marcie, as you know, is completely wiggety wack.)

So, Dale wins the challenge and immunity. That's when we learn that the ...

Elimination Challenge

... is the expected Restaurant Wars. But seeing as this is All-Stars, there are a couple of interesting wrinkles. Less-interesting wrinkle: The premise will be that the two teams will be opening "pop-up" restaurants, which is some kind of dining trend involving people eating food off of three-dimensional paper cut-outs. More-interesting wrinkle: For the first time ever, it will be the diners, not the judges, who determine the winning team.

With that, Dale is told that he is going to be one team leader and he gets to select who will be the opposing team leader. Being in possession of one working brain stem, Dale chooses Marcel to lead the other team, mostly because he doesn't want to be on a team with The King Of The Mics and Turntables.

The teams end up being ...

Team Bodega: Dale, Richard, Fabio, Carla and Actually-On-This-Show Tre.

Team Etch-A-Sketch: Marcel, Angelo, DoucheyMike, Tiffany and Antonia.

In the lead-up to the dining, we get another Goofus & Gallant contrast which carries through the entire challenge. Dale's team works like a well-oiled machine and Richard (seemingly) leads the team though a very Richard-like concept of making fancy food resemble the humble food found in a bodega.

Meanwhile, Marcel's team is a general mess, with Biz Marcel wanting to call the place Medi (as in, "the food will make you want to run to the medicine cabinet"). The rest of the team ignores him. He does not take this well and starts a diss war which will rival the Tupac/Biggie throwdowns of yore.

Team Gallant has also made the wise move of picking Fabio, whose charm and people skills will charm the knickers off each and every diner when he is in charge of the front-of-house duties.

For the front-of-house job, Team Goofus is at a loss. Poor Tiffany is saddled with these duties, mostly since she's the only person who didn't have the sense to avoid the job. Early on, Poor Tiffany sees where this is going, since on more than one occasion, the person given this task is the one eliminated.

Come time for the diners to arrive and start eating, we have a bit of a problem when DickyDale gets extra-dicky in snapping at Fabio's perfectly massaged wait staff. Fabs, though, manages to do the impossible by not only rescuing the situation, but calming down the hothead chef enough that the rest of the evening goes swimmingly.

Team Goofus, though, isn't nearly as lucky. Tiffany does a poor job of managing the wait staff and spends most of her time out front schmoozing with the diners. And, back in the outdoor kitchen, Marcie Marce & the Funky Bunch are totally at each other's throats. Plates are going out cold. Food is being sent back. It's an epic mess.

When it's all over, there's no doubt that Team Etch-A-Sketch will be shaken clean. Still, paranoia runs deep and Richard is convinced that his team will be on the losing end, despite repeated encouragement from the Fabio, the Big Ragu.

Judges' Table

So, Marcel & His Top Chef Shufflin' Crew are put before the judges and, in about two seconds flat, they all start pulling their knives on each other. Mike yells that Marce' Dogg is impossible to work with. Lil' Wolverine shoots back that the rest of the team wouldn't listen to him. And before you know it, Tiffany and Antonia are brought into the brawl, too.

Meanwhile, Angelo is found curled up under Judges' Table, having figured early on that if he can let everyone else duke it out he'll likely be the one to make it though another week.

The losers get to go back and stew while the winners get called before the panel. Finally, Richard can believe Fabio that his team did well. And while Dale gets props for having led his team to victory, it's Richard who (rightfully) wins for having inspired the concept and delivering great food.

With that out of the way, the losers are called back in and it seems that Tiffany will likely be sent packing, not only for her laissez-faire management of the front-of-house, but also for her bland dish. But in the end, the general disaster (and yet another foam-covered gimmick of a dish) spells doom for EmCee SmugFoam.

Holla!

Top Chef All-Stars: Something Fishy This Way Comes

2011-01-17T11:37:00.000-05:00

January 12, 2011

Gentle readers. Owing to the lateness of this post you can guess one thing ...

I'm on vacation.

Hence, blogging about our favorites (and un-favorites) in the kitchen is taking a back seat to delighting in the tropical pleasures of ... Pittsburgh. (I kid. It's a lovely city.)

So, here's what we got.

Marcel gets hammered and does his best worst impression of Eminem in 8 Mile. Dale proves that his anger management has done wonders by not throwing M-Dawg off the roof.

The chefs discover there's no Quickfire and instead are instructed to hop in their Yugos and head out to Montauk to fish for their ingredients.

The chefs are split into four teams of three. Richard jokes about grabbing Marcel's pole. Dale gives birth to a huge fish. And Antonia shrieks like a little girl in tones so high, I feel my testicles are now somewhere in my lungs.

While grocery shopping, DoucheyMike jokes around with Angelo, which pisses off Angelo. Angelo responds by jabbing Mike in the balls with a cucumber. Angelo gains 20 points in everyone's eyes.

In the fakeout scene we get to see what fish the chefs think their colleagues would be. Tre, naturally, is tagged by Tiffany as being a never-noticed-under-the-sand flounder. And we get the wonderful and beautiful knowledge that DoucheyMike farts a lot.

They serve on the beach.

Gail and a few diners toss off a few "awesome"s. DoucheyMike tries to get Angelo laid by a couple of lady diners.

At Judges' Table, Carla, Dale and Tre face off against Angelo, DoucheyMike and Tiffany for the best dish. Carla wins the challenge and a trip to Amsterdam for making a New York bagel-inspired lettuce wrap. She does her patented Olive Oyl dance in celebration.

This, of course, offends Marcel who realizes he's on the losing end of things. Because everyone must at all times be sensitive to the feelings of the man who hasn't taken off the Wolverine costume he wore for Halloween in 2002.

So, Antonia, Jamie and Tiffani join Richard, Fabio and Marcel as the two losing teams.

Antonia is told that if she hadn't been saddled with Jamie and Tiffani, she would have had the winning dish. And Team Testosterone 'N' Foam gets it for having made only one dish with too many elements.

Once it's all over Jamie gets to go home and be whiny and rationalize about why she couldn't shovel her walk because she sprained her ankle in the sixth grade. And joining her will be Tiffani, who managed to completely rehabilitate her image after turning so many people off in Season One.

And, with that, we're all left lesbian-less.

Top Chef All-Stars: Steam Together, Fry Alone

2011-01-09T18:54:00.000-05:00

Jan. 5, 2011

Previously on Top Chef: Who the hell even remembers? It's been two weeks. How is a person supposed to hold that in their brains? Wait. I think Spike was eliminated after Jamie got through the whole Elimination Challenge without having to serve her weak dish. Yeah, that. ... And something about a fat man and a dish of cookies and a glass of milk by the fireplace. Maybe.

Hey kids. Welcome back. It's a brave new year and, again, I assume you saw this mishegoss already. So, as a refresher, here's what happened:

The chefs sat around and discussed how Jamie has become a total waste of space, what with (practically speaking) missing two challenges entirely now and how that caused Spike to be cut. Also, Angelo's uncontrollable touching-other-chefs'-dishes "Tourette's" is looked upon suspiciously.

Quickfire Challenge

Padma (seemingly wearing an unfortunate Heidi Klum cast-off blouse) greets the judges and tells them that this challenge will be all about speed. After the eight-balls and Red Bulls are distributed, the chefs are joined in the kitchen by none other than Tom "Diet Dr Pepper" C. The premise: Tom will cook a dish as fast as he can. The chefs will then have that exact amount of time to prepare a dish of their own.

Tom, who clearly had the benefit of having been able to think about this ahead of time and didn't have to elbow 12 other chefs out of the way to grab stuff, knocks it out of the park, completing his fish dish in 8:37 flat. The chefs are positively flattened at the prospect of having to do the same.

After the clock is reset and the brief time expires, the chefs, or at least 11 of 13 of them, have completed their dishes. DickyDale and Jamie have only bits of a dish to present and, as a result, are immediately judged to have two of the three worst dishes. Angelo rounds out the bottom three for doing exactly what he was told not to do when he presents a raw (or crudo) dish.

The three tops are Richard, who made a fois gras offering, Ever-Expanding-DoucheyMike, who made a fish dish, and Marcel, who craftily avoided the kitchen crush and snagged the fish Tom had used for his demo dish.

But the win, immunity (and a ... Brand ... New ... Car!) goes to DoucheyMike.

True to asshole form, Marcel had to suggest that the only reason the judges liked Mike's fish better was that they still had the taste of his in their mouths. ... (And you wonder why people think you're a deluded prick, bud?)

Elimination Challenge

Picking up on the speed theme, Tom tells the chefs that they're going to go to Chinatown and face the mammoth pressure of working as a team to provide a hungry horde of diners with an endless cavalcade of dim sum offerings. He expects there to be pain. Lots of it.

By the time the spectacle is over, there has been. The entire escapade has been a disaster unlike anything ever seen on this show. While much of the food is good, what made grown chefs weep was the fact that they simply couldn't produce and get out the masses of food fast enough. However, this did produce some spectacularly funny moments wherein diners aggressively snatched food off the dining carts themselves, complained about how little food there was and, finally, just walked away hungry.

When all was said and done, Antonia, Jamie, Casey, Carla and Tre were the bottom group and Tiffany, DickyDale, Angelo and Fabio were judged to have done the best.

After the Q&A, DickyDale is granted the win for having made a delicious sticky rice with Chinese bacon dish. And, on the losing end, ~~Jamie~~ Casey gets the axe for having presented an "inedible" dish of chicken feet with a scallion pancake, which Tom said was "like lead."

My thoughts ...

Casey Thompson: Poor, poor Casey. She went for a high degree of difficulty with her chicken feet dish. And she showed off mad butchering skills in giving poultry pedicures. But in between handing off prep for her dish to Antonia (who was busy with her own two) and the general taste of it, she got offed. The husband kind of predicted this, seeing as she hasn't had much to say all season. Well, at least she managed to get my vote for Hottest Chef before she left. Rowr.

Richard Blais: Surprisingly, didn't stand out this week past his spot-on indictment of Jamie as the Top Chef Octopus (premise: octopi are experts at hiding).

Tiffany Derry: Finally the Season Seven fave did something to stand out, making a delicious dish which the judges called something of a "savory marshmallow." She also proved she can project to the back rows, even from the kitchen. Look out, Patti Lupone.

Tiffani Faison: While neither of her dishes was particularly remarkable this week, she did provide the yuks when, back at Casa Cuisine, she and the other women managed to utterly freak out the guys by discussing boobs and touching them with a bra. Loses two points for saying boys talk about their "dangles." Come on, T. A real bad-ass would say it. You can, too. Men discuss their "wee wees."

Carla Hall: Carla! Carla! Carla! I wouldn't have pictured the earth mother partaking in the mammary hijinks, but she did. Well done, sister. Later, told her summer rolls looked good but tasted bland, she seemed to be physically injured when someone said she cooked with her eyes and not hear heart.

Mike Isabella: Is getting another tattoo. "8:37" The time it took him to win a car. Though I imagine he'll tell people that's the size of his "dangle."

Jamie Lauren: The Scallop Queen tried to be endearing with talk of how she's dated "fast" women and how she's "fast" herself. But it was too little, too late for me. Plus, at Judges' Table, she again stood there basically shrugging off the fact that she made sorry dishes (two of them) and expected to be sent packing.

Antonia Lofaso: I simply cannot dislike this woman. She may have been a partial reason why Casey's dish came out so badly, but she did manage to put out one of the best dishes. And, even though she had partial responsibility for one of Jamie's awful ones, she did have the taste buds enough to tell Jamie that they were bad. (Of course, Jamie had to suggest that that was because Antonia was having "PMS.")

Angelo Sosa: Made one of the best dim sum dishes. But, considering that Chinese food is one of his major strengths, this shouldn't have come as any surprise. And at least he didn't sabotage anyone else this time out.

Dale Talde: The chef with the greatest sense of entitlement, yet again. Tells us that he's not going to be distracted by his family back home just as he's papering his knife case with pictures of his wife? girlfriend? and kid. Complains about having been forced to eat Asian dishes for lunch growing up just as he's using his skills with those dishes to win.

Marcel Vigneron: We've covered this asshole already. There'll be more about his assholery next week. Oh, yes there will.

Fabio Viviani: Complained yet again about having to make non-Italian (or more specifically, Asian) food. Griped that the kitchen wasn't equipped with an oven that could produce ribs the way he'd normally make them. Joked that, what with the Elimination Challenge, the producers probably just wanted to eliminate him without even having to go to Judges' Table. But, despite the whine, nearly pulled off a win. Will this signal a new mantra? ... (A: Did we get to hear him go off again about Jamie's scallop worship and again hear his classic quip "This is'a not Top Scallop!"?

Tre Wilcox: Still stubbornly refusing to show even the slightest bit of personality. Ever.

Next time on Top Chef: Its' time for the catch of the day and the chefs have to catch their own catch. It's Top Chef goes Dipsy Fishing! Plus, Marcel throws down gang signs and gets all up in Dale's grill.

Top Chef All-Stars: Just Stuff It!

2010-12-26T17:08:00.002-05:00

December 22, 2010

Previously on Top Chef: Two chefs were eliminated. DickyDale won for making a molecular-inspired egg dumpling. And both DandyDale and Top Fop Stephen were sent packing for making the worst dishes on their teams. We'll miss one of them.

Dear reader: I'm assuming you're busy enjoying your holiday week. Surely you've spent all day boxing, as is the custom. Myself, I've had many things to which to attend. Those Angry Birds won't pummel the shit out of those pigs all by themselves, you know.

But seriously, I was traveling and didn't get to see this episode when it aired. (What is it with hotels? They simply must have 16 different sports channels, but, oh nooooooo, we can't have Bravo. ... Fuckers.) Plus, not only was I spoiled on the outcome by various people on Twitter and Facebook, but one dear blogger had pre-spoiled the ending for me over a week ago. So ... In any case, before you get back to your leftovers, here's my ultra-brief take on things.

The chefs drink and reflect on last week's double elimination. It's decided; GayDale will be missed.

At the ...

Quickfire Challenge

... the chefs are met by Pads and a Top Chef Masters non-winner. They are to make stuffing. A new stuffing. A great stuffing. A stuffing made with no regular cooking implements.

But they are to be rewarded with buckets of cash if they agree to make fools of themselves, cooking without knives and such. Fabio proves to be the most inventive, grating cheese with shelving. But it's Tre who scores the win for his improvisational stuffing.

Elimination Challenge

The chefs will split into two teams and cook head-to-head at the U.S. Open. I assume it won't look like this ...

Anyway, the teams (and Tom) seem to think that there's some benefit to be had by employing "strategy" in the order the chefs' dishes are presented. This ends up with Spike insisting that his team serves up its weakest dish first, in order to have the other team "waste" its strongest dish (presumably Richard's).

When the whole mishegoss is done, it turns out Spike's strategy wasn't worth a bucket of frozen scallops, since, not only did his team not use its weakest dish first, but also Richard's wasn't the opposing team's first volley.

And at the end of the competition, Carla wins the whole shooting match, as she had the best dish and her team beat the opposition.

On the other end of things, Spike gets the hook for making shrimp with which he let other people (namely, Angelo) screw around. Bad Angelo. Bad Spike.

So here are the observations, chef-wise.

Spike Mendelsohn: Poor Spike. As much as I hated him in his season, I'd become quite fond of him this time around. Plus, we finally saw why he always wears the stupid hats: The all-powerful and world-encompassing Jewfro.

Richard Blais: Are we ready to give him the trophy already? Because it sure seems everyone else is. Just sayin'.

Tiffany Derry: As adorable as ever. Sadly, wound up on the losing end of things this time. Still, she amazingly stood up for Angelo in deflecting the criticism that the man is a one-person sabotage outfit (who may or may not have been behind the Kennedy assassination as well).

Tiffani Faison: Is sure as hell the winner of the redemption prize this season. For having been the lead villain in her season, she's proving to be quite the adorable and affable champ this time around. Plus, she didn't freeze her melons this time.

Carla Hall: Sliced off a nail in the process of cooking her Elimination Challenge dish. And yet managed to not only finish her dish with a bandage and glove on her hand, she won the damn thing. Take that, Jamie.

Mike Isabella: Still growing as a chef. And in the waist. May soon require his own kitchen. Showcased his drumming talents, though not his cooking ones, since, like Jamie, he didn't get to present a dish in the Elimination Challenge. Which, to me, only speaks to how badly that thing was planned out.

Jamie Lauren: Speaking of people who didn't get to present final dishes ... This one is really proving to be quite the entitled little princess, isn't she? First, she makes a dish she doesn't stand behind, even when it wins. Then, she contributes next to nothing for a dish that was conceived while she tended to a boo-boo. And now she gets all defensive after passive-agressively avoiding participation in the aforementioned badly designed challenge. Is she waiting for the a scallop-themed one to play?

Antonia Lofaso: Good chef. Better dancer. We learn she smoked a lot of pot a while back. This may be a transparent attempt to ingratiate herself to Padma.

Angelo Sosa: What is it with this guy? Is he really trying to be helpful? Or is he specializing in helping other folks right out the door? And, if so, why aren't these "all-stars" wise to this already?

Dale Talde: Managed to keep his awfulness under wraps for a week.

Casey Thompson: Misses her pal DandyDale. Probably because she hadn't yet seen him compare her to an unkempt cavewoman at this point.

Marcel Vigneron: Almost won the Quickfire this time. Amazingly, also let Angelo out-foam him this time.

Fabio Viviani: Just as fun to watch as ever. Grates cheese with shelving. Jumps the net to celebrate victory. Atsa' spicy meat-a-ball.

Tre Wilcox: Clearly an amazing chef. Plus, should give Isabella pointers on losing weight and getting into great shape (considering the pics we got to see of him a few years back when he was far heavier). But did he purposely phone in his dish in the Elimination, knowing he had immunity? And another thing: Has anyone else noticed that he's been called a "beast" and an "animal" by his competitors. And wasn't Kenny (last season) called a "beast" repeatedly. Is this a black thing? Is this pure coincidence? Am I missing something? Am I being way too sensitive? Who knows?

Next time on Top Chef: Big Trouble In Little China.