ClockEnd 5's Blog

An Arsenal Christmas Carol Part I

2012-12-19T14:05:00.000-08:00

Once upon an exceedingly cold Christmas Eve, Ebeneezer Wenger sat in his counting house poring over his ledgers. Skeletal, he sat, enveloped in his voluminous black jacket, squinting myopically at the jumble of figures that danced hypnotically betwixt and between the columns, entranced by the ballet of profit and loss. Occasionally the intricate sums would refuse to balance and he would rise exasperated from his humble stool and stand with arms spread wide apart berating the 4^th official who would pointedly ignore him or on occasion nod and point vaguely towards the pitch, an act which did nothing to lessen Wenger’s worsening humour, and served only to force him to sit back down in a belligerent huff.

In the cavernous fireplace a solitary lump of coal spat and hissed, forlornly throwing its meagre warmth into the room. Ebeneezer blew on his hands and wiped away a bead of moisture from the end of his prodigious frozen nose. The office would have been slightly the warmer if Wenger hadn’t insisted on keeping the door open to keep a beady eye on his young clerk, Walcott, who would intermittently rise from his desk, to vigourously stamp his feet and flap his arms in a vain attempt to keep warm. An act that would prompt Ebeneezer to give out a derisory snort. His perverse pleasure was however short-lived when the outer doors were flung open and his assistant, the bold Stephen, strode in with a confident and happy gait.

“Season’s greetings, “he declared “and a very Merry Christmas to you all”

“Bah” muttered Wenger “humbug!”

“Oh come now Sir,” said Stephen “Surely you cannot begrudge us even this harmless frivolity in these harsh times?”

“I would rather, Sir” declared Wenger sternly, “that you focussed your spirits on the efficacy’s of zonal marking, or persuading young Walcott to sign da ting, endeavours which I might remind you that I pay you for, rather than this feeble attempt at seasonal bonhomie.”

On hearing his name mentioned, Walcott seemed to shrink himself into his desk as if willing it to swallow him up. Stephen however was apoplectic.

“Might I respectfully remind you Sir” he shouted, “that it was not me that signed Djourou or Squillacchi, I can only work with the tools that I’m provided”

“And might I remind you Sir, that when people speak of the legendary back four, they invariably speak of Anthony Adams and Martin Keown, you Sir, are an afterthought!”

At this, the bold Stephen spun on his heels and stormed from the office, indignant. Wenger permitted himself a sly chuckle, and with added fervour returned to his books. His happy concentration was short lived as there came a feeble tapping at his open door. Exasperated, Wenger looked up to see a little orphan boy from the parish that he knew quite well.

At this juncture it is worth while describing this poor urchin for he truly represents every vestige of human misery that it is possible to imagine. He was so thin that the light seemed to shine right through his frail body that was shrouded in rags. His left leg was hideously twisted and deformed and he held himself upright on a pair of crude crutches that seemed to be welded to his emaciated frame. Huge piercing eyes peered bulbously from his wasted face and it was into these eyes that Wenger now unwaveringly stared, as he addressed the child thus,

“Yes, what is it Tiny Abou Diaby?”

“B-b-begging your pardon Sir”, the waif stammered, “but I seem to have picked up a bit of an ankle knock and I may be out for up to three weeks!”

“Oh for fucks sake”, replied Wenger, “I have told you before Tiny Abou Diaby I am not running a charity here. I expect you to come in tomorrow to clean the others boots, do not disappoint by saying you are otherwise engaged!”

“B-b-but ‘tis Christmas Sir!”

“Humbug!”Wenger roared, “Humbug, humbug, out out out!”

The rest of the day passed, uneventful, until at 9 O clock, Wenger was woken from a daydream by the sound of Walcott clearing his throat as he stood, supplicant in front of his desk.

“Well” Wenger said “Did you sign da ting?”

“No Sir!” Walcott replied, “But I pray you hear me out, I have been your clerk for several years now, and I feel I have executed my duties to the best of my abilities, I do not ask for much sir, except an extra sixpence a year and the opportunity to play up front on my own, I cannot see Sir why you would deny me this.”

“Walcott,” replied Wenger,”I have no doubt but that you are one of the best clerks I have ever had. Your bookkeeping skills are excellent, you have very good penmanship and you will always get us a goal when we have the game won anyway. But sixpence, take thruppence and sign da ting!”

“I respectfully decline Sir,” replied Walcott testily, “I have had an offer from a firm in Liverpool, and while they may be a much smaller company with a very small accounts department and only in the Europa league, I feel they offer me what I want and for the sake of thruppence I shall take their offer and wish you a Happy Christmas and Goodbye!”

“Humbug!” said Wenger.

And so Ebeneezer Wenger locked up the Emirates and walked home through the freezing London night back to his empty house. After a miserly supper of a tepid thin gruel he sat with a cup of warm punch in his tattered dressing gown and nodded off into a fitful doze. Then, as the mantle clock struck midnight, he was roughly shaken from his slumber and on opening his eyes was confronted by the eerie spectacle of Herbert Chapman’s ghost.....

..To be continued.

Arsene Blackadder and the False 9

2012-09-11T09:10:00.000-07:00

The Arsenal dressing room, empty except for the assistant coach, Steve Baldrick, he is busy stuffing the players clothes into a wheeled hamper clearly marked “Kit Only”. Enter the manager, Arsene Blackadder, who promptly kicks a chair across the room.

Baldrick

Good win then Mr B?

Blackadder

Yes Baldrick, if you’re talking about the “who can concede the stupidest goal competition” then we won hands down. The football match however, we lost 5-0!

Baldrick

Oh! Bugger.

Blackadder

Bugger indeed, and now I have to go and face the esteemed gentlemen of the press, who know as much about football as Sir Alex Ferguson knows about magnanimity.

Baldrick

Well I don’t know much about Magnum Mini’s myself but I’ll face the press if you like?

Blackadder

The only press I’d let you face Baldrick, is my trouser press, and then if it was set to extra hot and you had your tackle out!

Baldrick

Suit yourself.

A commotion is heard outside; enter the club captain, George Hill-Wood.

George

With a hip and a hip and a bally hooorah! I say boss we soon showed them what’s what eh?

Blackadder

We lost George.

George

Only just boss, only just. If the Umpire hadn’t ruled out my try when I went over in the corner, we’d have kicked the conversion and then sucks to you, you Chelsea upstarts!

Blackadder

We were playing Fulham, George.

George

Nevertheless our supporters were magnificent today. Why as I was leaving the pitch one shouted “Hill-Wood you are an Arsenal legend”

Blackadder

Yes George, I think you’ll find he shouted “Hill-Wood you are an arse, leg end”

George

Oh I see. Anyway what did you think of the performance overall?

Blackadder

Well let’s see. Our tactics were as incisive and intelligent as a piece of Robbie Savage punditry. And our overall strategy was as well thought out as the marketing strategy of a man selling “Tottenham Champions of England” t-shirts! Other than that we weren’t too bad.

George

Well hurrah! Let’s all upstairs and tell Uncle!

Blackadder

What, are you mad? The last person I want to see now is the Chairman.

George

He wants to see us straight away, I expect he wants to congratulate us on today’s performance.

Blackadder

I’m dead!

The Chairman’s cavernous office. The trio are greeted by the CEO Ivan Darling, who has a self satisfied smirk on his face!

Blackadder

Problem Darling?

Darling

Smile all you want Blackadder, but Lord Hill-Wood saw that travesty today, your days are numbered!

Blackadder

Given that Lord Hill-Wood is as close to football as the ball is to the pitch at the Britannia Stadium during a Stoke City attack, I feel pretty safe.

Darling

We’ll see, Blackadder. We’ll see.

Arsenal’s esteemed Chairman Lord Peter Hill-Wood enters and takes his seat behind his enormous desk.

George

What ho Uncle! Good innings by the chaps today, eh?

Lord PHW

Shut up you feeble minded arse. Blackadder what was the meaning of that absolute pile of shit out there today? Explain yourself man, why was Van Persie not brought on?

Blackadder

Well two reasons my Lord; he has a slight ankle knock although it’s nothing serious...

Lord PHW

I don’t see how that would prevent him doing a job against Fulham, the other reason?

Blackadder

We sold him to Man Utd.

Lord PHW

God’s bollocks!! Are you mad Sir? What blithering idiot sanctioned that?

Blackadder

Over to you Darling.

Darling

But...but....my Lord, when he wanted more money you told me to flog him to Man U!

Lord PHW

I said “You man, flog him!” you arse, give him a good thrashing, and beat some sense into him, honestly Darling! Come on Blackadder, what options have we left attacking wise?

Blackadder

Well attacking wise, my Lord, we have a small, fat, wheezy Russian, a mad Moroccan pipe smoker and a North Korean attacker so ineffectual at attacking that he was turned down by the North Korean army, specifically their suicide squad.

Lord PHW

Damn it Blackadder we have very little money to spend on new players, you know how obsessed the American is at cutting down costs. The annual Christmas dinner is coming up we need to get rid of more of the fringe players. Cut the wage bill.

Blackadder

Actually my Lord, the PFA have been protesting about our treatment of the lesser squad members.

Lord PHW

Specifically?

Blackadder

Specifically, us eating them at the annual Christmas dinner.

Lord PHW

Damn their eyes the interfering busybodies, I’ll never forget the problems they gave me over that Samir Nasri situation.

Blackadder

Well you were riding him out to hounds my Lord.

Lord PHW

Yes damn it, well think of something what do I pay you for?

George

I say, Uncle why don’t we employ a false 9, they’re all the rage on the Continent I believe.

Lord PHW

Tell me more George, what’s a false 9?

George

Well, the chap at silly mid-off slips behind the scrum half and then, no, hang on that’s not it.

Blackadder

Might I interject my Lord, but a false 9 requires a player of extraordinary skill with an acute positional sense...

Baldrick

Might I eject my Lord, for I have a cunning plan!

Blackadder

If you will, my Lord, consider that Baldrick’s last cunning plan was “let’s sign that Squillachi bloke he looks like he can defend a bit”, I’d take it with a pinch of salt if I were you.

Lord PHW

Damn it don’t be so negative Blackadder, let’s hear what the little maggot has to say, come on out with it man.

Baldrick

Well, when we’re going forward we commit all our players to the attack, and then just when the attack looks like it’s breaking down...

Blackadder

Don’t listen my Lord I beseech you..

Baldrick

We send up our number 6 and just at the last second, he jumps up and stands on his head. Thus making his number 6 into a false 9!!

Lord PHW

Excellent idea, you see Blackadder this is exactly the forward thinking we need at this club. Come on Darling we’re leaving!

Lord Hill-Wood and Ivan Darling exit, leaving Blackadder in a contemplative and morose state...

Blackadder

How has it all come to this? I’ve been in this game too long now, I cut my managerial teeth at Monaco where I developed young players who the second they worked out how to kick a ball, sodded off elsewhere for more cash. I suffered the ignominy of having to move to Japan to manage a team sponsored by some bloke who’d invented a digital kettle, and then against all the odds I landed this job. I built Arsenal into a successful side that were the envy of Europe, brought loads of trophies and moved to a brand new state of the art stadium. Alas I can do no more. The club must come first. So I’m going to announce....that Diaby is a new signing and give myself a flipping huge pay rise!

George

Hooorah!

The Captain - Robin Van Persie's Last Programme Notes!

2012-08-15T09:05:00.000-07:00

Credit for this piece (or blame if you don’t like it) has to go to Andrew Allen whose tweet from yesterday gave me the idea. Of course should Robin stay and sign a new contract I will be suitably chastened and contrite.

Pre-season Has Left Me Fit And Ready To Go!

Cologne last week was terrific, not just the match itself but the training sessions, especially after my slightly disappointing summer. Steve Bould certainly put us through the wringer and there were a lot of sore, tired bodies out there. Our new signings are worthy additions to the club and I feel that they are going to contribute to us having a fantastic season. I’ve been particularly impressed with Lukas Podolski and I can tell you that when he hits a ball it stays hit, what a shot the man has. I look forward to both of us getting a hatful of goals in the coming months, in fact I can see us both fighting over who gets to take the penalties!

The Boss has outlined our targets for the coming season and we will be competing 100% for every competition, but the Premiership will of course be our top priority, still some silverware for our efforts will be very welcome.

Today’s opponents, Sunderland, are a very good side who defend very well and we will not be taking them for granted. As we saw last season their strengths are ........hang on a sec, that’s the phone, I have to get this...

Focus Will Be All Important In These Early Games.

Woo hoo!....Yes ...yes! fucking yes! Get in there!....Sorry that was my, er, dry cleaners, my favourite silk shirt is cleaned and ready to pick up. It’s a Ralph Laurent one that I bought this summer in Turin, when I was er sightseeing there. Yes magnificent Turin with its lovely church and that other big yoke, you know what I mean. Anyway I do love that shirt, in fact I’ve even been known to kiss the little polo symbol on it, I love it that much. However, should I see an equally nice shirt, say by Lacoste, that doesn’t mean that I can’t buy that one as well does it? It doesn’t make me a bad person does it? It’s just a shirt after all, yes a shirt, get a grip people. Anyway what was I talking about? Oh yes Sunderland...

3 Points Are The Priority.

Sunderland is of course in the North of England. Is the weather up there as bad as people make out? I mean these things are always exaggerated aren’t they? It’s grim up north!! Ha ha, oh God, is it grim? I mean I’m just thinking about those people that have to live there; their heating bills must be outrageous. Still they wouldn’t be, like tens of thousand pounds a week would they? You’d have the problem of burst pipes in winter as well to contend with. You would have to know a good plumber, I must remember that. I mean in case I’m ever asked for my opinion on the subject.

It’s Important To Get Off To A Good Start.

Autumn is a crucial time in the Premiership. It’s when you start to build up a momentum to carry you through the season. Falling behind in this critical time means you are playing catch-up, and that becomes harder and harder every year. And more boring.

I can’t think of autumn without thinking of leaves, yes leaves. Funny word that, leaves. And leaves are funny things aren’t they? They wither and die and are replaced. The trees aren’t bitter about the leaves, the leaves they’ve lost, they don’t go on twitter and abuse their leaves, no they know that it’s the natural order of things. Trees move on, unlike people. God what am I waffling on about, hee hee! Must be the champagne talking, not that I’m drinking champagne, why should I be? I meant Lucozade.

The Back Four Has Never Looked So Solid.

Credit for this of course must go to the excellent work being done by Steve Bould. He has imparted a solidity and confidence to the whole defensive unit and.....OMG!! I’m hearing that Alex Song is going to Barcelona. I can’t believe this, honestly I’m in shock. This is not going to go down well with you fans. You should really hate him for this. I mean really, really hate him. In fact here’s his home phone number (the club does not give out such information – Ed). This is a stab in the back to those of you who have supported him through the years, remember this treachery, and Nasri and Cesc. Traitors they are to a man, remember this, focus needs to be on them now, on them.

Anyway, onwards and upwards, forward is the direction, the only direction, here’s to 3 points against Everton and getting off to a winning start.

Remember that I am and always will be a Goner!!

Peter Hill-Woods Open Letter to R+W

2012-07-07T11:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Communists,

I have read, with great interest, your open letter which you propitiously released to the Penny Dreadful’s, and I feel I must reply, while at the same time informing our loyal supporters, exactly what kind of treacherous, underhand snakes in the grass you and your ilk really are.

Before replying to the points you raise, may I first refer to your unfortunate choice of the name Red and White Holdings. Do you honestly think that we cannot see through the allusion of an unholy alliance between Bolsheviks and Mensheviks that your choice of name implies? You remember I trust the first time we met at my club in Leicester Square where Bunty introduced us all and I covered your unfortunate gaffe at ordering “sherry for everyone” at 11 am? I stood up for you then and gave you a chance which unfortunately is to my eternal regret. I do however apologize for my behaviour later that night when I suggested you take your filthy roubles to the scum down the road; I was unfortunately, in my cups!

You refer in your letter to terms such as “non-dividend equity”, now these terms may be fine for your late night meetings with Comrade Stalin, but this is England sir, and we will ne’er broach such atheism in this church. We have constructed a fine theatre for the enjoyment of the beautiful game and I assure you that when our noble and loyal supporters raise a glass of punch and cheerily shout “Huzzah” it foremost gladdens the heart and we spare nary a thought for filthy lucre. It is you sir that are obsessed by the rattle of a few kopecks in your vulgar tin.

On the question of our shares that were acquired by the American, I would presume that any etiquette, regardless of nationality, would forbid public discussion of money. That kind of talk is for accountant’s sir, and not for gentlemen! I will only comment that my earnings will barely cover my expenses for Glorious Goodwood!

Regarding the team and your, frankly scurrilous, allegation of the boards lack of investment, I would point out to you sir that we have already spent in excess of 20,000 guineas on new players to strengthen the squad, and we will have the likes of young Wilshire, Ted Drake and that Irish chappie Stapleham coming back from injury. The loss of van Nistleroy will hurt us sore and I quite liked that young man, he’s Dutch you know, but no player is bigger than the club. If he chooses to play for one of those dreadful noveau riche clubs like Doncaster Rovers then frankly good riddance I say.

Lastly I would beg you to think of our young supporters, back from hols to Eton and Rugby, spare them derision in the tuck shop. Let’s get behind our brave boys and our great manager Mr Graham. Let this be a season to remember for the boys in red and white. Let us once again finish higher than the filth.

Sincerely

Peter Hill-Wood Chairman

Ps I get the Red + White name now. Sorry!

Paradise Lost?

2012-05-28T09:58:00.000-07:00

“Did you play in the Garden of Eden?

Were the goalkeepers gloves to you tossed?

Because it seems to me, you’re the reason,

You’re the reason why Paradise Lost!”

- Paradise Lost – Half Man Half Biscuit

It seems like it was only yesterday that me and my mates were sat in the pub watching the Emirates Cup, bemoaning the lack of investment and arguing about Samir Nasri, where has the bloody season gone? I suppose I’m getting to that age now that you start to mislay things, like keys, pens and football seasons, or is it the brain utilising some sort of coping mechanism. You don’t really need those keys, someone will let you in. Is what you need to write really that important? Oh and by the way, Arsenal are still shit!

I first started to suspect things were going to go wrong when the 2011/12 kit was revealed. There beneath the crest was boldly emblazoned the word “Forward”, what were we thinking? Pedants will no doubt point out that we did go forward, we did move up from fourth to third, but is that the sum total of our ambition these days? Are we destined to go from nondescript season to season hopefully catching a few crumbs from the top table? No doubt people will point to the disastrous start to the season we had but, unless I’m missing something, the start of the season is still part of the season. The season doesn’t wait for you start playing well before it starts! I know, I know we had the summer of discontent and uncertainty, but surely there are people at the club employed to plan for this, (Gazidis yes I’m looking at you), and yes we had injuries, but all clubs have injuries its part of the game. Its sport, weird shit happens! We missed, in my opinion, our best player (Jack Wilshere) for a whole season, we played without any full backs, but on the other hand we got a whole season out of Robin van Persie and look what he achieved. Its sport weird shit happens!

Depressingly we go into next season in a worse position than we went into last season, unless three crucial things happen. Investment, divestment and better luck with injuries. Let’s examine these one by one.

The current squad need significant reinforcement, not to mount a title challenge, but to maintain a top four finish next season. The likes of Spurs, Liverpool etc will all strengthen their squads and we will have to do the same simply to maintain the status quo, the addition of Podolski is indeed welcome, but we would need the likes of M’Villa, Llorente etc just to keep 3^rd place, and that includes keeping van Persie! Effectively we need another Sczezsny, another Vermaelen, another Wilshere and another RVP, a whole new secondary spine of the team equally as good as the primary one and even that wouldn’t guarantee us the Premiership!! We’ve seen City spend close to a billion pounds to win it just once and they will have to spend again just to defend their crown, we are not in their league!

Arsenal have the 4^th highest wage bill in the league and yet we have a very rigid wage structure, how can this be? Put simply we have too many passengers, our squad is too big, we have too many players out on loan, now I know we are investing for the future but there can be no room for sentiment here, we desperately need a cull, even if it costs us money in the short term. There can be no more room for sentiment. Underperforming and injury prone players need to be got rid of, sharpish! We fans know who they are so I presume the club know as well. Pay the higher achievers more and if you can’t cut it then ‘bye!!

Football today, is a 14 man game. Your substitutes need to be impact players who can change a game from the moment they step on to the pitch. Ideally you would need a sub of equal ability to cover every position but that is just too damn expensive. Successive seasons have seen us have crucial players out injured with inadequate cover, now some of these injuries have been down to sheer bad luck, but the prolonged recovery times surely point to an arcane and traditionalist methodology, maybe we should be looking at Cryotechnology and other radical treatments that other sports like rugby have embraced. That being said referees need to give the players more protection as well, how many times this season have we seen the opposition stop our counter attacks by kicking our players with impunity. Oh yeah we also need luck!

In my opinion we need all three of the above to be implemented to have any hope of success next season. Sadly we’ll fulfil one maybe two but definitely not all three, so realistically the best we can hope for is a good cup run, the Champions League or the FA Cup maybe, certainly not that other fecky competition, unless our kids win it for us!!

Football is immediate, and therefore it’s very hard to judge a whole season of it, you have to break it down into game size chunks to get a proper context. So on that note thank you Arsenal for Chelsea away, Spurs at home, the second Milan game, the return of the King, van Persies volleys, Song’s assists, Arteta, Sagna’s header and the sheer Goonerness of our keeper. I can’t wait for next season when we’ll win the treble!!

Anna Lvova

2012-05-25T07:33:00.002-07:00

As I explained in the last interview with Chris from Germany, I find it particularly fascinating to find out how people from other countries ended up supporting the Arsenal. Those of you that follow Anna on Twitter already know what a passionate and knowledgeable Gooner she is, but for those of you who don’t this paragraph from her piece for the Arsenal Collective (referenced in the first question) explains it better than I ever could;

“So here I am. Living thousands of kilometres away from North London. Putting on my red and white t-shirts on for matchdays. Singing Arsenal chants in front of my television. Gaining grey hair, fraying my nerves, going insane, jumping for joy, laughing, crying. Not many things in my life give me that rollercoaster of emotions! And you know what? I wouldn’t trade it for anything”

Why Arsenal?

http://www.thearsenalcollective.com/the-memory-bank/2011/10/21/from-russia-with-love.html I think this pretty much explains it!

I was on a plane going to Moscow from my honeymoon in summer 2000 and I bought a sports magazine to kill some time during my flight. There was a huge Arsene Wenger interview in it, which blew me away. The way he spoke about football in general and Arsenal in particular, it really moved me. I got home and made sure I sit down and watch an Arsenal game just to see what this team he talked about is. It was love at first sight.

Earliest Arsenal memory?

Cup Winners’ Cup semi-final of 1995 against Sampdoria. I was a student in Malta and I lived around the corner from a pub. The landlord was a huge Arsenal fan. The night of that game he made me pour myself my own drinks behind the bar and get my own cigarettes simply because he couldn’t get his eyes off the TV screen. I actually stayed on to watch the match with him and his pals even though I wasn’t planning to.

First game?

See the above question.

Favourite player (all time)?

Dennis Bergkamp and Robert Pires

Favourite player (current)?

Jack Wilshere

Highest point?

Invincibles season

Lowest point?

CL final 2006. Never rewatched that match ever again, And probably never will

Sign any 3 players?

M’Vila, Kagawa and Akinfeev

Sack any 3 players?

Almunia, Squilaci and Mannone

Highbury or the Emirates?

Emirates

You can follow Anna on Twitter @MadRuskiGunner.

Also can I just remind you that Andrew Allen is looking for your contributions to the Memory Bank on the Arsenal Collective, so if you’ve got a story to tell, avail of this chance to tell it to the Gooner community.

Chris from German Gunners!

2012-05-23T06:50:00.000-07:00

Since I began this project the one aspect I’ve found fascinating is the varying reasons people began supporting the Arsenal in the first place. Aside from the obvious reasons of geography and family tradition, there is the more tenuous sense of an identification with an ethos, an idea, whether it’s style of play or a sense of what the club represents, it’s an intangible thing that’s implied in the various answers. It’s as fleeting as an idea, but what a powerful idea it is! I find it oddly comforting to think that after a miserable away defeat to Stoke someone in a far off place is acutely sharing my pain!

Flying the Arsenal flag in Germany are the German Gunners and Chris, main man behind their

excellent blog, joins me in the hot seat today

Why Arsenal?

That's a tough one right at the start. It's hard to explain why you support a team as passionately as you do I guess. As I'm from Germany and didn't grow up in the area it must be something different that attracts me. Of course the attacking football is always an argument but not the main one for me. Most important for me is that Arsenal is a club with principles. They just do it in style with a friendly and local touch to it while being a worldwide operating club. Know where your roots are and act based on them. I guess that's what fascinates me most.

Earliest Arsenal memory?

The earliest must be a Uefa cup group stage match against Gladbach in 1996. I saw it on TV at my grandma’s house. But the decisive moment, even if not the earliest was Arsenals match against Borussia Dortmund in the 2002/03 Champions League season. I'd been to the Westfalenstadion a lot that time as Dortmund is my local club and I still live nearby. Once I saw them play my passion for Arsenal hasn't stopped.

First game?

First game was the one in Dortmund. My first match in Highbury came slightly afterwards against Bolton in the unbeaten season. A 2:1 win with me sitting 6th row behind the goal. My dad and I bought the tickets from a sport event agency online and weren't sure if we would get the tickets until we checked in, to our London hotel, and the concierge gave us our tickets. Never been so nervous in my life before. That was also my first visit to London, with many more to follow.

Favourite player (all time)?

Must be Robert Pires with no doubt. He was doing the magic when I fell in love with Arsenal and he's an Arsenal legend for me. The way he ran towards goal flicked the ball into the lower corner, unbelievable.

Favourite player (current)?

Jack Wilshere. He's Arsenal through and through. He feels the same way as we fans do about the club. He won't give up on Arsenal no matter what. Besides he's a quality player.

Highest point?

First match in Highbury against Bolton. It’s not about the result or the opponent. It's about the memories I have when I look back. To be at the clubs ground for the first time, to absorb the atmosphere in and outside the stadium will be the moment I will never forget in my life, and always remember when I step out of Arsenal station.

Lowest point?

Champions League final loss. Still devastated.

Sign any three players?

Götze, Messi, Sven Bender. All midfielders but I just admire those three. Götze is the next big thing in Germany and Europe I think. Would be great to have him in our team. He can cut a defence into pieces in a heartbeat. Messi is obvious. Bender probably isn't on every ones shopping cart. He's Dortmund’s defensive soul in midfield. High work rate with a killer pass if needed.

Sack any three players?

Almunia,Squillaci,Denilson. All three to be sacked for real this summer I guess.

Highbury or the Emirates?

Wow that's hard to decide. Highbury was special as I have been to my first Arsenal home match there. It also had the certain feeling you expect from a football ground in England. Close to the pitch, located right in the neigbours backyard and stuff. But I must say I do like the Emirates a lot. It's getting Arsenalised more and more and it's a really beautiful stadium. As most of the games I have been to have been at the Emirates I'll go with the Emirates, although it's a tough one!

You can follow Chris on Twitter @Germangunners and don’t forget to check out the blog German Gunners.

Tom Acres

2012-05-21T07:09:00.000-07:00

A busy week on here and we start with the inimitable Tom Acres. I’ve been following Tom on Twitter for ages and he is one of the most intelligent and erudite Gooners out there. Some of you may know him as part of the team that brought us the Optimistic Gooner podcasts but our great club, being what it is, has sucked all the optimism out of them and they’re now reincarnated as the Arsing Around podcast! Nevertheless they continue to bring us all the latest news, gossip and opinion with the same intelligence and humour that is their forte. Anyway enough out of me and on with the serious bit...

Why Arsenal?

My dad grew up pretty much down the road from Highbury and went to every home game, with his dad and his brother, so Arsenal has been rather rooted in the family. I just picked up from there really, even though my dad hadn’t been able to go to games as regularly since he got married I would probably have still been disowned if I had chosen another team! But even without the family ties I was quite easily attracted to Arsenal; the shirt, the stadium, Dennis Bergkamp, loved it all.

Earliest Arsenal memory?

Well I first remember getting into football properly for the 1998 World Cup, when I was 5, and my first Arsenal memory was Tony Adams lifting silverware at Wembley, I’m just not sure if it was the FA Cup or the Community Shield!

First game?

I know I was taken to a game when I was 5 or 6 but I can’t remember it off the top of my head, but the earliest game I have memory of going to was against Ipswich at Highbury in I think 2000, perhaps 2001. I distinctly recall Richard Wright playing against us and having a bit of a stormer, and I’m fairly sure Dennis Bergkamp scored. I think the final score was 2-0 Arsenal.

Favourite player (all time)?

It’s got to be Bergkamp; he was the name on the back of my first shirt and I loved the number 10, but even at a young age I could recognise what an awesome player he was. It’s difficult to single out one player considering I grew up during an era in which Arsenal were winning trophy after trophy and had so many quality players, but Bergkamp always stood out. Even though I often think I didn’t appreciate the great players as much as I should have when I look back now, I always remember stressing out about Bergkamp’s contract situation and quizzing my dad as to why we would only ever offer him a 1 year deal! Fantastic player, wish we could’ve seen him at the Emirates a bit more!

Favourite player (current)?

I try and avoid the obvious choices even though until last season it had been Fabregas. This season I would have to go with Laurent Koscielny and Mikel Arteta. I love Koscielny as a player, and part of the appeal I think comes from the fact that most neutrals, pundits and journalists still associate him with the Carling Cup gaffe and think he’s rubbish. He just goes about his defending so efficiently and effectively, and I think he’s probably the best defender at the club. Arteta has just held the midfield together this year, and again I think he’s unappreciated and undervalued by many. Keeps us ticking, seems like a real top bloke as well and has scored some cracking goals. Love the hair, too!

Highest point?

Although I don’t think I appreciated it or understood the significance of it as much as I should have at the time, I would have to go with the Invincibles. If I was picking an individual moment then things like Arshavin vs Barcelona, Sol in the Champions League Final, Lehmann’s penalty save in the semi-final and Henry’s solo goal against Spurs would be clear choices for me, but it’s difficult to imagine a higher point that Arsenal have been at since I’ve been following, them than an unbeaten title winning season!

Lowest point?

Champions League Final, by far. It is to this day the only time I’ve cried watching football, and also the only time I’ve seen my dad shed a tear full stop! There have been family bereavements and the Champions League Final remains the only time I’ve seen my dad cry. Once again I don’t think I appreciated the journey we went on to reach the final, but when we lost it I was gutted. Just thinking about it now, especially seeing as we’ve got nowhere near close to winning it since, makes me want to have a little cry to myself!

Sign any 3 players?

Tough one, if we’re talking fantasy football then you’d have to go with people like Messi and Ronaldo! Realistically speaking I think M’Vila seems like someone who would fit in really well, especially considering Song’s development into a more attacking player has contributed to our poor defensive record this season. I’m really happy with Podolski but wouldn’t begrudge another striker coming in, difficult to put a name on it, though. I love Shinji Kagawa and Mario Goetze at Dortmund, and do think we could’ve done with a better creative midfielder this season, but then I think that man is probably going to be Jack Wilshere!

Sack any 3 players?

It seems a bit pointless to list players that we all know will probably be going like Almunia, Denilson and Squillaci, but I suppose they’re obvious choices for a reason! We certainly have a lot of deadwood to clear out.

Highbury or the Emirates?

All the fantastic memories and trophies from when I was about 5 up until the age of 14 come from Highbury, but most of the games I’ve been to have been Emirates and Arsenal’s record when I’ve been there is pretty great! I think it’s a fantastic stadium, and it’s filling up every season with some great memories, we just need a trophy presentation or two for it to really feel like home. Emirates Cup doesn’t count!

Good stuff Tom and don’t forget you can follow him on Twitter @dartfordgooner or Arsing Around @ArsingAround.

She Wore!

2012-05-18T11:02:00.000-07:00

When I first started this experiment I had a short list of ideal participants (most of whom I got) that I ideally wanted to take part. She Wore were one of the first names on that list. While they can be occasionally controversial and you may not always agree with their forthright views, there’s no denying their in-depth knowledge of the history and ethos of our great club. The She Wore website has news, opinion, a message board and great features like the A to Z of players linked to the club this summer. Anyway enough of the hyperbole, let’s get down to it...

Why Arsenal?

No choice really, I come from a long line of Arsenal supporters, some of my Great-Grandparents were Arsenal fans and I have a few distant relatives that have played for the 1st team.

Earliest Arsenal memory?

Sadly it was watching the 1980 FA cup final at my Granddads house, I was 7 years old and the tears started when Trevor Brooking scored. My Granddad gave me a swift slap round the head called me a big girl. I've only ever cried twice since over The Arsenal.

First game?

It was 1985 and the 2nd leg of a League cup game, was no more than 20,000 in the ground as we were a few goals up from the away leg. Was pretty much one of the most boring games I have ever been to, but the sight and smell of Highbury as I walked up the stairs to the Northbank just had me hooked. It felt like I was instantly at home.

Favourite player (all time)?

Paul Merson was a shining light in a lot of George Graham’s sides, he could pull out a piece of magic and knew where the goal was. To me he was like one of us, he clearly had his demons with drink, drugs and gambling, but he was a working class lad with a lot of talent and enjoyed it, he always seemed to have a smile on his face. I can still tell you the pub I was in and who I was with the day the News of the World ran the article Wenger had sold him.

Favourite player (current)?

Chesney. Last year the Islington boys club hosted a boxing night at the Emirates, Vs an Irish select boxing team, Chesney was there signing autographs and standing for pictures all night and enjoying the boxing. At one point between rounds he jumps into the ring gets the round card and walked around. About 20mins later he climbs up again grabs the comperes microphone and starts up "Stand up if you hate Tottenh*m". He's one current player I look at and think to myself, yeah that lad really cares.

Highest point?

Anfield 89, still gutted out of the 2 games we played at Anfield that season I was at the other! (although that was one mad night as well). We were originally due to play Liverpool over Easter and due to the mate I went away games with being away that Easter with his family we didn't get tickets and then when the game was rearranged we couldn't get any. I ended up watching the game indoors with my mother, who supplied me with a few cans of lager and that was the 2nd time I have ever cried over The Arsenal.

Lowest point?

Has to be that semi final in 1991, I was sat with my brother, we rarely sat/stood together, him and his mates liked it by the dugouts in the east lower and by then I was in the Clockend, that side deserved to win the double, they lost one league game all season (out of 42) and that was away to a very poor Chelsea side and let in just 18 league goals. Still don't know what happened to us that game and it still hurts!

Sign any 3 players?

Any? Messi, Ronaldo and Yaya Toure.

In real life, Baines, Cisse and M'villa.

Sack any 3 players?

Diaby, Almunia and Chamakh.

Highbury or the Emirates?

The Emirates is a great ground, comfy seats, nicer toilets, it’s the perfect football ground really, but it hasn’t and never will have that feeling I had every time I entered Highbury, it broke my heart when we left, that place was magical, I can still smell it and the last game was the third time The Arsenal has ever made me cry.

Told you it would be a bit special. You can follow them on Twitter @SheWore or like them on Facebook here.

Jim Condon

2012-05-17T06:21:00.000-07:00

Today we’re off to the Peoples Republic of Cork to chat with my old Twitter buddy Jim Condon. Those of you that follow Jim will know him for his eclectic taste in music and his acerbic humour, particularly when he’s MBM’ing Match of the Day or Jools Holland. Equally at home discussing the 4-4-2 or obscure American prog rock I knew he’d make a great interviewee for Your Arsenal and sure enough he didn’t disappoint. Enjoy!

Why Arsenal?

Having arrived in Ireland in 1978 at the tender age of 13 from the USA I wanted to fit in with everyone else at school and so I had to pick a team. Instinctively, I knew Man United and Liverpool weren’t for me. A brief flirtation with Aston Villa followed before I (thankfully) opted for Arsenal. I am sure it was the large core of Irish players who were there at the time and the fact that they had reached the FA Cup Final that year as well.

Earliest Arsenal memory?

Possibly the lost cup final of 1978 but what really sticks in the mind is the “5 minute final” of 1979. I had an awful time at the dentist that day. My mouth was in bits, my gums stitched up and black, ichor-like blood was drooling from my mouth. This meant I had to watch the game lying on the opposite side to my wound but when Sunderland scored the winner I jumped up like a loon, sprayed the whole place with said horrible blood and promptly collapsed back onto the couch in shock! This was to establish pattern of me falling over at pivotal Arsenal moments through the years exactly none of which were ever again dentistry related!

First game?

As Ray said earlier, living in Ireland it is a bit tough to get to games regularly with the expense and travelling etc but my first game was a Champion’s League group game against Ajax at Highbury in Dec 2005. A 0-0 draw with both teams qualified so no high jinks but a very young Cesc Fabregas warmed up in front of us and waved up at us and the rare sight of Mart Poom as the sub keeper!

Favourite player (all time)?

A seriously tough question as, being the great club The Arsenal are, there have been so many but I will always go for Dennis Bergkamp. He was the catalyst for the success of the Wenger era I believe even though it was Bruce Rioch who bought him. A wonderful combination of a devilish edge touched with genius.

Favourite player (current)?

Obviously Robin Van Persie is attracting all the plaudits and rightly so but I really admire Bacary Sagna. A beast of a player. Very talented of course but when the need arises he can defend and put a boot through the ball…and the oppo too!

Highest point?

The win at Anfield in 1989. Watching those Scouse dicks have the soul knocked out of them and us winning the title on their patch. I watched it at home on TV and when Michael Thomas scored I jumped up, fell to my knees in the front room and tore the arse and both knees out of my jeans!

Lowest point?

Where else? The Champion’s League final. I watched the first half at work, left and we were 1-0 up. Got to the bar, ordered a drink and they equalised….poured the drink and they scored again. It was heartbreaking, I felt it was my fault!!

Sign any 3 players?

Vincent Kompany for defensive solidity alongside Vermaelen. Mesut Özil in midfield alongside Jack and Radamel Falcao from Atlético Madrid alongside RVP and Podolski. Goals there I’d say.

Sack any 3 players?

Almunia ,Chamakh and Squillaci. There’s three, and that didn’t take long to think of.

Highbury or the Emirates?

Highbury was a great spot and a fantastic ground for its time. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) the club outgrew it and The Grove is a wonderful football stadium. I was there for the first proper game in July 2006 for Dennis Bergkamp’s testimonial against Ajax and it was a super day.

Told you it’d be good! You can follow Jim on Twitter @calexico65 .

Akhil Vyas

2012-05-15T06:21:00.000-07:00

The last interview of the season and it’s a cracker. Akhil was one of the first Gooners I started to follow on Twitter and he has a top to bottom knowledge of the club that is unparalleled. Regular viewers of the Fans Forum on Arsenal Player, will know him for his insightful contributions and he writes with the same intelligence and passion in his terrific blog Akhil from Hounslow. So without further ado on with the questions.

Why Arsenal?

My mum grew up in North London so all her family supported Arsenal and had been going to Highbury for years and that influenced me. My dad’s side also supported Arsenal so it was an easy decision. My dad himself wasn’t much of a football fan but I made him sign me up as a junior gunner and he provided the finance for me to go to games until I was able to finance myself!

Earliest Arsenal memory?

It was based around Ian Wright. I remember his wild celebrations and just his liveliness (if that is even a word!) He was always buzzing and he was the type of player any child would love. He really made me fall in love with Arsenal.

First game?

It must have been 1994 and it was against Coventry and it was a goalless draw! That didn’t put me off though!

Favourite player (all time)?

Patrick Vieira. Even though Ian Wright was a major influence on why I fell in love with Arsenal, it was Patrick Vieira that I loved the most! I loved his leadership and the way he wore his heart on his sleeve and defended the club on the pitch. His battles with Roy Keane etc and the way he defended Reyes against the whole of the Man Utd team in that tunnel at Highbury was just epic. He drove games at times and took games and changed them. He was well supported by others but I think he was immense in the middle of midfield and a proper leader.

Favourite player (current)?

Laurent Koscielny and Bacary Sagna. Of course Robin Van Persie this season has been great and I am a big admirer of Theo Walcott but LK6 (as I like to call him) and Bac have just grown and grown over the last year or two, especially LK6. I saw his first game at the Emirates against Milan in the Emirates Cup and he was superb, I believed he would become a quality player and I think he is nearly there. Sagna is just solid and always reliable. One of the best right backs in the country and maybe even the world and there is never any transfer gossip because he remains loyal to us. If these two and Vermaelen can stay together then I think the three can contribute to a title winning team.

Highest point?

Has to be 2004, unbeaten, immortal, and played with flair and style. We had power and pace throughout our team and we were so strong. Even if we went behind, we believed we would win. It really was a special time and one we probably should have enjoyed more!

Lowest point?

Champions League final last 15 minutes! Broke my heart. Can’t even think about it now, it still hurts.

Sign any 3 players?

Ah, what a tough question. I really struggle with these sort of questions because a few years ago, id have said a DM but then Song (who is more than a DM) came in and has been fantastic this season so I like to leave it to the manager! I’d like a creative midfielder in though, a Gotze type player but he will cost a fair bit! I think we sometimes struggle for creativity against teams that play very deep. A player who can play DM and CB may be useful too because there is no real cover for Song at the moment. If Fabianksi goes then an experienced number two is also needed. I hope Yossi stays too.

Sack any 3 players?

I like to leave this to others too but it’s hard to see a big future for Chamakh or Park (if he was any good, surely he would have played by now!), of course Almunia is out of contract so will leave too.

Highbury or the Emirates?

Highbury for the special loving place it was but in the modern day (and when debts are paid off) the Emirates is the future. I wouldn’t like to pick one because they are both unique, so I have to sit on the fence here….AGAIN! Sorry!

Follow Akhil on Twitter here, @10Akhil.

Michael Sheehy

2012-04-26T05:59:00.000-07:00

A new interview for you all today and I’m honoured and privileged to bring you a bona fide blogging legend as my guest. I’ve been reading Michaels ‘EverArsenal’ blog now for a couple of years and found him to be one of the most intelligent and prolific writers out there, and he’s a fellow Irishman to boot. His feature rich blog has pre and post game analysis, special features, polls and the excellent Premier League Predictions, which is invaluable if you're into Fantasy Football or if you fancy a punt on the weekend games. Anyway ‘tis the hot seat for you now Mick, so take it away….

Why Arsenal?

My father is a Blackpool fan and he always wanted me to support them. Luckily for me I listened to his best friend who told me Arsenal were a far better team, and I decided to go with him. That was way back in 1970 and things picked up very quickly for Arsenal after that.

Earliest Arsenal memory?

I can remember getting an Arsenal jersey for my fifth birthday, and my mother sewed an Arsenal crest on to it. My dad and uncle went to London a lot in those days and got programmes for me, but the first real match memory is probably the 1973 FA Cup semi final defeat to Sunderland. It’s not exactly a great game to have as my first memory, but there’s not a lot I can do about it.

First game?

The first time I saw Arsenal play live was in a pre season tour to Ireland in the early George Graham days when they played Shamrock Rovers. If I remember correctly Rovers won, but Arsenal came back a year or so later and beat them to get their revenge.

Favourite player (all time)?

That’s a really tough question because there are so many contenders, but I think it has to be Denis Bergkamp. Too many of the others left Arsenal for what they considered to be better opportunities, but the Iceman stayed with us until he retired. It was also an absolute dream to watch him play at times, and I wish he could spend some time with some of our current squad to teach them a thing or two.

Favourite player (current)?

I suppose it has to be Robin van Persie, but that will change quickly if he doesn’t sign a new contract or he leaves. I loved Cesc and it hurt when he left which probably means I won’t attach myself quite so closely to any player in the future.

Highest point?

Nothing can ever compare to the night of May 26^th 1989 at Anfield. The sheer drama of the game, the prize on offer to both teams, and how it ended is something I don’t think I will ever see again.

Lowest point?

There have been a few, but I suppose the Champions League final defeat to Barcelona was a real low. When we went down to 10 men I thought it was all over, but I really thought we could do it as we kept our lead coming in to the last 15 minutes. I still believe we would have won if Henry had taken the great chance to put Arsenal 2-0 up.

Sign any 3 players?

It’s not easy to pick realistic targets, but if money were no object I would of course choose Messi. I’d love to see Cesc come back but I know that’s not realistic either, and despite all his diving who would say no Cristiano Ronaldo plying his trade on the wing for Arsenal.

Sack any 3 players?

I don’t like to say sack players, but I would certainly be happy to see the back of Almunia, Squillaci and Denilson too.

Highbury or the Emirates?

I loved Highbury, but as an Irish fan it’s a lot easier to get tickets for the Emirates. The pitch is a lot bigger too, and I would love to see how the Invincibles would have fared on it. The memories of Highbury will be with me forever, but I can only choose the only place I can watch Arsenal play.

You can follow Michael on Twitter @JamrockRover.

Dave Fitzpatrick

2012-04-22T06:01:00.000-07:00

A new Your Arsenal and once again we’re off to Ireland, land of saints and scholars, banks bailouts and buffoons, where it rains 360 days of the year and they plan to charge us for water..."oh let the grass grow green over the brewery tonight, it’ll never come between the darkness and the light"....I digress. I’m delighted to be joined today by one of the most knowledgeable and erudite Gooners out there, the inimitable Dave Fitzpatrick. Dave can be heard eulogising all things Arsenal on the weekly podcast,Stand Up For The Arsenal. We met for a chat in the backroom of a pub where we’d been sent to watch the Arsenal on the small telly...metaphorically of course...!!

Why Arsenal?

I didn’t grow up in a football house and I was not raised with an affiliation to any team but Derek Wilcox – my football coach throughout my childhood and my best friend’s father was an avid Arsenal fan, I guess I just picked it up from him. I admired and respected him so much, Arsenal were his team …how could he be wrong!!!! All my friends were Liverpool and Man U fans but I knew I didn’t want that…I always fancied the underdog, and when Arsenal won the title in 89 (Anfield 2-0 win, obviously a standout memory) and then followed it up with winning the league again two years later, despite having two points deducted, then that was it for me….and it just went from there…..so thanks Derek!

Earliest Arsenal memory?

Anfield…need I say more…what impressed me the most was before the game when our players came out with wreaths to lay…even at that age I recognised a club with values, taste and ideals on how a club should behave…that always stuck with me…result wasn’t bad either…oh and that kit…now that was a proper Arsenal away kit….!

First game?

Everton at Highbury (We won 2-0)….my two outstand memories were of Grimandi who dominated the midfield and was absolutely superb!!! And a very young Richard Dunne being booked after about 5 minutes and having to mark Marc Overmars for the rest of the game in what looked like slippers – he never got within 5 foot of the Flying Dutchman!!!

Favourite player (all time)?

Vieira….World Cup Winning Invincible….he was just majestic on the pitch…both silk and steel…things just always felt right when he was on the pitch…we knew we would be solid…we knew we would score…he had great defenders behind him, great attackers in front of him yet managed to become the leader and pivot of one of the greatest club sides in history…I was distraught the day he left us and would love to see him return to the club some day…he needs out of City and to come home…

Honourable mentions to all 10 other invincible’s…I could really pick any of them in fairness…

Favourite player (current)?

Sagna…humble, fast, strong, marauding, robust, heart of a lion and loves Arsenal truly…he is everything you could ever want in a footballer and I truly believe his header against Spurs was THE turning point in our season…he wasn’t hoping to score that header…he was SCORING THAT HEADER!!!

Highest point?

Sounds bizarre…..but watching the team warm up for the Champions League Final….I was floating on air…this was it…Arsenal were about to win the Champions League….it was just an amazing feeling….I was convinced Arsene was going to win the Cup he cherishes on home soil…how could anything go wrong!!!!

Lowest point?

Same game…..Champions League Final…..we were so close….What a header from Sol!!!!…..and then an offside goal and a random attacking right back and the dream was over…….and so many regrets…..the early sending off….the substitution of Pires…..the fact it was in Paris….I was never so gutted in my life as I was that sad evening in Tenerife where I watched the match.

Sign any 3 players?

Llorente, Schweinsteiger and for shits and giggles Neymar….now there’s a boy who can dribble!!!

Sack any 3 players?

Almunia, Chamakh (for obvious reasons) & Eastmond (his twitter account put me right off him)…………

Highbury or the Emirates?

Tough one for me….Highbury was one of a kind and such a special place to play football….however the Emirates is a fabulous arena that most clubs in world football would be very jealous of….my view is that however much we loved Highbury it hamstrung us from moving to the next level (I know, I know) and we now need to concentrate on making the Emirates our new ‘home’ and that’s crucial…and what makes a house a home? Victories, Trophies, togetherness, witnessing great moments, remembering the day you felt like you carried your team over the line for a win……and for this to happen the club needs to work with the fans to make it happen…..and it will happen…!!

You can follow Dave on Twitter @evadztif.

Ray Verschoyle

2012-04-19T06:20:00.000-07:00

Being an Arsenal fan in Ireland is not easy. We’re an ethnic minority, surrounded on all sides by Liverpool fans full of their sense of entitlement, Man Utd fans with their arrogance and Celtic fans who link support and republicanism, and somehow if you don’t support their team you are pro-British and a traitor! I am delighted to welcome the first Irish contributor to “Your Arsenal”, Ray Verschoyle. Ray runs the excellent IrishGooner site, which gives a valuable insight into life as an Arsenal fan on this side of the Irish Sea. From critical articles, opinion and player analysis, Ray tackles each with intelligence and wit, they also have a rather good forum to allow you vent if that is your thing. Enjoy..

Why Arsenal?

When I was six I first started playing football with my Dad’s club, Home Farm FC, based in Drumcondra, Dublin, Ireland. They had a rather unique way of stimulating interest in the game of football. They were a very big club and would have had many teams at each age level, so they used to run “mini-leagues” within the club, and each team within each league was given the name of an English Division 1 club. Why not a League of Ireland club I hear you ask. Well it was positive encouragement Home Farm wanted, and let’s just say League of Ireland, then like now, was not that great. So on my first day training in Whitehall I was informed that I was to play for Arsenal. Now in honesty I cared not a jot at the time, my father on the other hand was disgusted. He was a lifelong Leeds United fan with heroes like John Giles & Billy Bremner, my Dad was a tough man and was described as a “terrier” in defence. I went home that day and rooted out all my copies of Shoot and studied my new team, on reading about them I grew to love them, after all it was the season of ‘70/’71. We won the league in White Hart Lane and we won the Cup, an auspicious start, don’t you think. Oh and I played my first competitive game of football in full Arsenal Strip!!

Earliest Arsenal memory?

It was to be my first season as an Arsenal Fan. All my friends at school followed the usual teams most kids in Ireland do, Manchester United, Liverpool and of course Celtic. I got quite a bit of stick as the lone Arsenal fan in my school. But I had the last laugh that year as Arsenal won the double, not to be a glory boy, but I did enjoy boasting about my team that year. Soon enough however, I learnt it was not always going to be that way.

First game?

Sad to say, as much as I love Ireland, living here did not give me any chance to see my club play until much later in my life. When I say much later I mean much, much, later. The first match I saw live was in The Emirates last season when Arsenal beat Birmingham 2-1. Jack Wilshere got a red card for a rather rash tackle, but we won. I had travelled to the game with my eldest son and it was his birthday. We have been to many games since thankfully, oh yeah and I have never seen Arsenal lose at a game that I have attended. Any offers for people to club together and finance me a season ticket and travel are more than welcome as I must be a lucky mascot.

Favourite player (all time)?

I’ll keep this short. It has to be Dennis Bergkamp. If you need to ask why, you probably would not understand the answer, enough said?

Favourite player (current)?

That’s a tough one. I think it has to go to yet another Dutch player. Down through the years I have always liked Dutch players. My first real hero in football terms was Johan Cryuff and there have been many since, Ruud Gulitt, the aforementioned Dennis Bergkamp and now our very own Dutch legend in the making, Robin van Persie. And yes full marks to the more observant amongst you, my surname is Dutch, maybe that’s the draw, but I think it’s more to do with “Total Football”

Highest point?

“It’s up for grabs now!” That’s it in a sentence I guess Anfield 1989. A moment in time no Arsenal fan can ever forget.

Lowest point?

17^th May 2006 Barcelona score twice in 14 mins against a 10 man Arsenal to beat us in The Champions League Final. I really thought we had it, but it was not to be. This was only surpassed by 8^th March 2011 when we were cheated out of a Final qualification by UEFA and their referee cohorts. But as you can’t account for cheating I’ll stick with my first choice.

Sign any 3 players?

I’m quite happy with our starting squad and some of our fringe player to be honest, but we need depth no doubt, although there is some great talent coming through. I would be wary of who we should sign as it may throttle our up and coming boys. But if pushed, Lionel Messi, Bastian Schweinsteiger & Vincent Kompany

Sack any 3 players?

Easy one, and no disrespect here. Almunia ,Chamakh and Squillaci. There are many others too.

Highbury or the Emirates?

Sad to say I’ve never been to Highbury. I’m sure it was excellent but each time I approach The Emirates I get a lump in my throat. It gives an immense feeling of pride in what the club has achieved. I regret having never got to Highbury, but that’s life I guess.

You can follow Ray on twitter @rayverschoyle.

Dave Seager

2012-04-11T08:01:00.000-07:00

A new Your Arsenal for you all today and I’m delighted to be joined by Arsenal blogger, Dave Seager. Dave has been writing about Arsenal for other sites since last year and recently decided to strike out on his own with the excellent 1 Nil Down 2 One Up. The blog has quickly garnered a reputation for its intelligent and thought provoking articles, excellent player analysis and superb guest posts. So let’s crack on with the questions:

Why Arsenal?

I moved from the Midlands to SE London when I was nearly 5. I could be cool and say we had just done the double, but in reality it was my sister’s new boyfriend, who was a Gunner, that got me into them.

Earliest Arsenal memory?

Unusually, I would probably say it was the summer of 1976. Two things really spring to mind, the sacking of Bertie Mee and the appointment of Terry Neill, but the really stand out memory was the announcement of Arsenal signing Malcolm Macdonald for £333,000. Sounds pathetic now but he was the top striker at the time and England centre forward. It was a real show of intent for the new Arsenal and this 10 year old was very excited.

First game?

I was taken by my brother and my sister’s boyfriend to Arsenal v Birmingham, Sat Nov 4^th 1976. We sat in one of the side stands but I knew then, that when I could go on my own I wanted to stand in the North Bank. We won 4 nil but I honestly can’t remember who scored. I was sat near 2 Blues players who were injured and got their autographs on the programme, Gary Sprake and Howard Kendall.

Favourite player (all time)?

Still Liam Brady probably and my son is named after him. The late 70s side was the team that made me truly love Arsenal, and Brady was the oil in that machine. The only player with his instinctiveness and touch since has been Bergkamp.

Favourite player (current)?

Easy to say RVP and I guess he is, but Sagna would run him a very close second.

Highest point?

As a fan it would have to be the Michael Thomas glory moment from 89. I was not there but had been at most of the home games as we threw our lead away in the run up. Everything about it was set up for the miracle, but not sure any of us truly believed we could do it. Younger fans will not necessarily appreciate just how dominant Liverpool had been for so long, and just how rare it was to have a televised game in those days. For a live high point it would be my first Wembley final and when we came from 1 nil down to beat Liverpool in the Littlewoods Cup in 87. I named my website after that game, Liverpool had won every game for 6 years in which Ian Rush has scored until that day.

Lowest point?

This would easily be my second Wembley trip, the following year for the 88 Littlewoods Cup Final. 2 1 up against lesser opposition in Luton, we miss a penalty and contrive to lose by 3 goals to 2. Sat on the terraces and cried.

Sign any 3 players?

To keep this within the realms of the possible I would settle for Podolski, Dempsey and an experienced back up keeper. If I was going to throw in a surprise, I might suggest a sneaky bid for David Villa. The greatest goal scorer of all time in Spain and I am convinced he will not get a look in at Barca when he returns from his broken leg. He is 30, I think, so a cheeky low bid and a 2 year contract would be perfect. Go on Arsene he is better than Poldo.

Sack any 3 players?

The same as everyone else I guess, but if I was to go for the less obvious, I would never have given Djourou a new contract. I would like to see him out and he can be joined by Almunia and Squillaci. Then if you want Verthongen, there is space or promote Miquel or Bartley.

Highbury or the Emirates?

I never get tired of walking over the concourse from the tube and seeing the Emirates. I cried at the end of the Wigan match in 2006, but Highbury is now part of our great history and we need to start forging a new history at the new citadel. First job is to somehow improve the atmosphere so every match is like the second half v Barca last season.

You can follow Dave on Twitter @goonerdave66, and don’t forget to give his blog a visit.

Déborah Rosinelle Ferreira

2012-04-09T04:16:00.000-07:00

If there’s one term that annoys me intensely, it’s “Goonerette”. You are either an Arsenal fan or you aren’t, simple as, gender has sod all to do with it. Equally offensive is to think that all Brazilians are born with an innate knowledge of the beautiful game, I wouldn’t dream of walking into a bar in Rio and attempting to engage a complete stranger in a conversation about the false 9 or the pragmatism of Cattenaccio! Deborah however, is the exception that proves the rule. Yes she is from Brazil, and boy does she know her football. Whether it be Serie A, Bundesliga, La Liga or Erevidisie she’s forgotten more about football than most of us, tunnel vision fans, would claim to know. And best of all, she’s a Gooner!!

Why Arsenal?

I suppose everyone has a starting point. Some people are lucky enough to have been an Arsenal fan for as long as they can remember, while my bond started not so long ago. I had been an Arshavin fan since I was impressed by him playing for Zenit during their 2008 Europa League campaign. When Arsenal signed him, I decided I should follow the Premier League closer, and what was the best way than supporting the team he played for? After that initial contact, when I started learning more about Arsenal, the history and what the club meant, I could only fall in love with it all. Like I said, everyone has a starting point...

Earliest Arsenal memory?

Ah... does it count being upset when Arsenal signed Gilberto Silva from my childhood club? (I’m over it now, no worries). First Arsenal match I watched knowing it would be the club I’d support was a 0-0 draw against Tottenham on February 2009. I remember being impressed with how 10-men Arsenal defended in the 2^nd half.

First game?

Well being from Brazil, it’s not that simple to cross the ocean to attend a match. My first game was this season, when we played away against Swansea. Not the best debut in terms of result, but I really had a great time enjoying the atmosphere and meeting so many passionate Gooners I had only known via Twitter.

Favourite player (all time)?

I’ll go with Thierry Henry, because of everything he represents and because, having missed him in his prime at Arsenal, I got to see him playing again for us during his loan spell. It was incredible and it meant a lot to me.

Favourite player (current)?

Laurent Koscielny, the Boss! Unbelievable how much he’s improved and owned his position. Another one of Wenger’s master signings.

Highest point?

Being a supporter for a little over 3 years, it’s rather sad I missed so many of the high points in our history, so of the ones I’ve witnessed, I’m going to go with beating Barcelona at home because there’s nothing about that match that I didn’t love.

Lowest point?

I remember lying down in bed and crying my eyes out after we lost to Man United in the 2^nd leg of the Champions league semi finals. The Carling Cup final last season was also very depressing, especially the fact that in the same week we went out of the Champions League and the FA Cup.

Sign any 3 players?

I’d be quite happy with Podolski, if it’s a real deal. I’ll let Wenger surprise me with the others.

Sack any 3 players?

I can’t see Almunia, Chamakh and Squillaci staying.

Highbury or the Emirates?

I’ve never had the honour of attending a match at Highbury. Though I did trespass, inside the new modern flat complex just to take a look and try to imagine how it all was before. So, I’m going with the Emirates because it really made me emotional when I turned a corner and saw it for the first time earlier this year. All we need is for the trophies to come, so more and more Gooners can warm to our new stadium.

You can follow Deborah on Twitter @binhaf.

Paul Williams

2012-04-06T04:45:00.000-07:00

Another day, another Your Arsenal and today I’m delighted to be joined by Paul Williams. One of my favourite Gooners on Twitter, Paul is a regular contributor to the excellent LadyArse, and also writes the brilliant music blog antstothenational,( indeed it was Paul who got me in to the band the National) and whether he’s reviewing a dodgy away trip to Stoke or a Blur gig, it’s his passion for the subject which invariably shines through. On with the questions:

Why Arsenal?

Basically, because my granddad and uncle were bullies! Something I’m not always grateful for, but in this case... I used to spend Saturday afternoons at my Nan’s and, I’ll ‘fess up here, had an affinity for a certain west London team. Not Chelsea, by the way. Anyway, I got fed up of having the piss taken out of me every Saturday and decided if you can’t beat them- join them. Glad I did!

Earliest Arsenal memory?

My dad, who was not a football fan by the way, telling me that Arsenal didn’t have a chance of winning 2-0 at Anfield on a May day in 1989. I forget the exact date...

First game?

It was a glorious, sunny, day in September 1991. I went with my best mate Chris and his elder brother, Joe and we beat Sheffield United 5-2. David Rocastle scored and I was dead chuffed.

Favourite player (all time)?

To be honest, this changes quite often. My first hero was Rocky, then Wrighty (the only reason to watch Arsenal for a while there). To choose one today, though, it has to be Patrick Vieira. Just a colossus- particularly in the first three years of the last decade. The number of trophies we won in his time here, and none since his departure, can’t be a coincidence. It took me about a fortnight to get over him leaving. Obviously, I was delighted to see Thierry back (and scoring) a couple of months ago but, for me, Patrick.

Favourite player (current)?

Clearly, Robin’s a legend. But I love Bacary Sagna. It might be the dreadlocks, I suppose. Or the fact that he’s not Eboue. Seriously, I think the moment that clinched it for me was when Tom Huddlestone clattered the Spaniard who used to play in goal for us at WHL about 4 years ago. Thirty seconds later, Sagna battered him on the touchline, took the yellow card, got up and got on with the game; it seemed to sum up his no nonsense attitude to the game.

Highest point?

Which one do you pick? I’ve been a lucky Gooner, even in terms of individual matches in the last year or so- being at the Barcelona game last year was amazing, as was the recent Spurs game- probably my favourite match in the new stadium. But, thinking of trophies, two doubles, Anfield 89... I don’t think there’s much that can top Patrick Vieira lifting the 2004 Premier League trophy as an unbeaten captain. Perhaps the fact that the title was secured at Spurs. I also think that achievement, as ludicrous as it sounds, probably wasn’t given enough respect at the time- it’s only as the years go by and teams try, and fail, to even get close to matching it that it has become ever more apparent just how impressive that feat was.

Lowest point?

Perhaps because I was there, but I think last year’s Carling Cup Final, the match that was supposed to end our 6 year trophy drought against the relegation fodder of Birmingham, felt like a real hammer blow. I think everything bad that came after that last year probably stemmed directly from that match. I remember us all joking in the pub how many we’d win by beforehand, but the train journey up to Wembley felt a bit like when Edward Woodward is on his way- although he doesn’t realise it yet- to meet the Wicker Man. I just sensed impending doom; we were so quiet by the time we got up there. Walking back to Wembley Park afterwards, under- as I recall it- a grey drizzle, just felt unreal. Horrible.

Sign any 3 players?

To be honest, I don’t watch a lot of football that isn’t Arsenal, so I can’t really say. Obviously Messi would be great. We’re light on quality strikers and Sergio Aguero, who scored a breathtaking goal on the counter attack at our place last year, is clearly quality. So him. Yaya Toure always feels like one who got away. I think we’re well stocked with potentially excellent midfielders, but Toure seems to be someone who would make a huge impact at Arsenal- and fill the Vieira shaped hole in my heart. Is that too much Man City love? Sorry.

Sack any 3 players?

At half time of the Spurs match, I voiced the opinion that I hated Theo Walcott more than any other player I’d ever seen play for Arsenal, even Eboue. Of course, he turned that around, quite dramatically, in the second half, but he remains a frustrating enigma. Sacking him might be harsh though and I’m generally happy with the players in the squad now. Squillaci is an obvious candidate for a P45; I guess I’d regretfully add Vela, and his lovely little chips, to the list. And Chamakh. What has happened to him?

Highbury or the Emirates?

I actually think this is a tough one. Obviously, Highbury has a very special place in my heart- I’ll never forget my first sight of it- and it was a lovely old ground. You can still feel the weight of its history there now even in its current guise. That said, I think we’d outgrown it. The sightlines in the lower tiers of the East and West Stands were limited, to say the least and I get to go to games far more often now we have a bigger ground. However, it still feels as though Arsenal are yet to create their own history at the new stadium- it is happening, gradually, but I think Highbury, even now, is a truly special, magical, place, going there was always special. And I do miss it.

Don’t forget to follow Paul on Twitter @rockthecasbah77.

Feverpitch.

2012-04-04T04:00:00.000-07:00

Pleased to be joined today by the esteemed blogger Feverpitch, who writes one of the most entertaining blogs out there, the fact that he writes about the Arsenal makes it a double bonus. On with the questions.

Why Arsenal?

Grew up in Cambridge (still follow Cambridge City in the southern league.

Not United. We don't like them!) and everyone there had a London team as it was so easy

to get to. Alan Sunderland's last minute winner in 1979 won me. Rest of family supported

unmentionables so thank Bergkamp for Alan!

Earliest Arsenal memory?

That 1979 cup final but first real pain was the 1980 cup final

against bloody West Ham, then the penalty loss to Valencia a few days later. Surprised I

stuck with them!

First game?

October 16 1982 vs West Brom. My dad borrowed season tickets in the East

Upper. We missed the train from Cambridge and I persuaded him to drive like the clappers

to meet the train at Royston. We made it and won 2-0! Second game was 27 Dec against

Spuds. Another 2-0 win. All I remember is a massive punch up throughout the game on the

North bank and Clock End.

Favourite player (all time)?

The impossible question. Adams, Bergkamp, Henry?... Can't pick

one.

Favourite player (current)?

RVP of course and Jack. Really miss Jack.

Highest point?

Anfield 1989. Watched it on the box with my future wife. It really was a fever

pitch moment. Totally lost it at the end. We both came to London the next day for the parade.

It was amazing. Living in London during the other trophy wins was great. Always went

straight to the ground and celebrated outside the marble halls & Highbury Barn. The first half

against Barcelona in Paris was nice too. Drove there with Eastlower and two other good

mates days after my daughter was born. Best trip ever.

Lowest point?

Getting caught up in some nasty stuff in Paris after the Zaragoza defeat.

Police attacked us. Madness. The atmosphere amongst Gooners at Wembley against

Birmingham was pretty awful too. Worst, I guess, was being carted off to hospital before we

lost to the Chavs at Wembley in the FA cup semi. That was no fun (and we lost all 3 of those

games!)

Sign any 3 players?

Messi, Andy Carroll and Zac Barrett, Cambridge City's goalkeeper. Best

in the Southern League! Only one of those is serious but which one?

Sack any 3 players?

Squillaci, Park and Chamakh (sorry lads, just not good enough).

Highbury or the Emirates?

Highbury without question. It was the most beautiful and special

ground. So many memories. It was like losing a beloved childhood home. The Grove (I'll

never call it by a sponsor's name) is obviously an amazing ground but it will never have a

place in my heart like Highbury.

Many thanks once again to Feverpitch for taking the time to answer my questions and don’t forget you can follow him on Twitter @feverpitch.

Mike Francis - Publisher of the Gooner.

2012-03-29T04:59:00.000-07:00

Match day at the Arsenal. Essential purchases, a good skinful of beer, a foot long hotdog, a match programme and a copy of the Gooner! Deliciously irreverent, the Gooner is the complete antithesis to the “official party line”. Its writers fearlessly tell it like it is, a counterpoint to the propagandist jingoism of the match day programme. Tactics, critique and biting satire, you will get it all in the Gooner.

I am incredibly honoured to have as my next guest the publisher of the Gooner, Mike Francis, to tell us what makes him a Gooner. Enjoy.

Why Arsenal?

Good question as it’s not one I’ve ever been able to satisfactorily answer if truth be known. It wasn’t a family connection as although my Dad was a football fan, he didn’t really follow any one side going to watch Fulham, Portsmouth and Plymouth at different times. I was brought up in Harrow and always figured that Arsenal were probably the nearest first division side, but a few years ago I checked on Google Maps and discovered that Loftus Road was actually closer, although I also found out that Highbury was the nearest ground to my birthplace in central London. Given that I started supporting the team circa 1975, I don’t think I can be classed as a glory hunter given that we were almost relegated that season, so I guess it was just that liked the name and the look of the shirts. The fact my best mate at school was an Arsenal fan probably also had something to do with it, but whatever the reason, it was a damn good choice.

Earliest Arsenal memory?

Apart from my first game which I’ll mention in a minute, I remember playing Subbuteo with my best mate and, as it was his set, he insisted on being Arsenal, so I had to be QPR, which were the only other team he had. I know I lost 1-0 to a disputed penalty conceded by Gerry Francis and I also knelt on the Arsenal right back, Pat Rice. Sorry Pat.

First game?

My first game was against Leeds United in January 1977 which we drew 1-1. We stood on the top corner of the North Bank nearest the West Stand and I can still vaguely recall being sat on one of the crush barriers by my Dad to get a better view, but I couldn’t have told you that Malcolm MacDonald scored the first ever Arsenal goal I witnessed if it wasn’t for history books.

I returned to Highbury a few weeks later for a birthday treat with some school mates to see us play at home to Sunderland. We sat in the front row of the East Lower and watched a 0-0 draw. None of us cared. It was the most exciting thing any of us had ever done.

Favourite player (all time)?

That’s not an easy question to answer. I suspect most people when asked tend to go for the best player they have seen and if that were the case then Dennis Bergkamp would get my vote as he was a class apart and was the first player I saw at Arsenal who had a worldwide reputation. However, despite providing so many glorious moments and being nothing less than a fantastic ambassador for the club, I don’t think I can regard him as my favourite. Instead, that honour has to go to Charlie Nicholas, as he was the first player I remember us signing who I was truly excited about. He obviously had his struggles, but you could see he also had shed loads of ability and whenever he got the ball, there was always a sense of anticipation around the ground. It also didn’t seem to matter how bad he’d been playing, whenever we came up against Spurs, he always seemed to score which never did his popularity any harm!

Favourite player (current)?

I don’t know whether it’s because I’m older and more cynical, but I don’t think I’ve classed a player as being “my favourite” for a good few years. With the ever increasing wages, it’s become harder and harder to identify with any of them, and there is very little connection between the players and the fans now which is one of the saddest elements of the modern game. Of the current bunch, I like the attitude of Szczesny; he seems to be able to relate to the fans better than most and comes across as a “normal” kind of guy.

Highest point?

Anfield, May 26^th 1989. No question and I’m really not sure it can ever be beaten. It had been 18 years since we were last champions of England and we’d never even come close to the title in my Arsenal supporting life until the 1988-89 season, so to have been so close and failed would have been devastating. Therefore, to be so close and succeed with that last minute Mickey Thomas goal was simply amazing. Did I believe we could do it? Undoubtedly. I hadn’t missed a game home or away that season and therefore knew what the players were capable of doing and that side had spirit in abundance. The thought of that game sends shivers down my spine every time.

Lowest point?

Oh crikey. There’s been a few. I remember crying when we lost to Ipswich in the 78 Cup Final – I was 9 at the time and living in East Anglia so had to endure the taunts of Ipswich supporting schoolmates. However, I think the lowest point was not a game at all. It was the death of David Rocastle. I was fortunate enough to meet him a couple of times and he was an incredibly genuine person for whom nothing was too much trouble. The story of how he cried when George Graham told him the club had accepted an offer for him might have raised eyebrows in disbelief if it had been anyone else, but with Rocky you just knew his heart must have been breaking. Arsenal fans will never forget him and that’s exactly the way it should be.

Sign any 3 players?

Messi would be nice, but I guess that’s probably a bit unrealistic. We obviously need a striker (probably two) and if the rumours about Podolski are true, I’ll be quite happy as he’s a player who works hard and has caught the eye for Germany in more than one major tournament. A dependable and experienced back-up keeper to provide some competition and cover for Szczesny, and a world class midfielder would be the other positions I’d like to see filled. However, I’m struggling to come up with any names from players already at Premier League clubs and I certainly don’t have an extensive enough knowledge of players currently plying their trade abroad to be able to pick out two names who would fit the bill. Let’s just hope the business is concluded early this year!

Sack any 3 players?

Can I “release” players rather than “sack” them? I know it amounts to the same thing, but sacking them seems a bit harsh! My first two choices would be players who should have been released/sold last summer, but for whatever reasons (and I think we all know what they are) Manual Almunia and Denilson are still Arsenal players. Almunia should never have been considered good enough to be Arsenal’s first choice goalkeeper and the fact he was for so long, reflects very poorly on Arsene I’m afraid. For my third player, I’m going to have to say Diaby because people who know me will wonder why if I don’t since I’ve been moaning about him for years. I feel terribly sorry for the guy as he clearly has the ability, but it seems his career is never going to recover from that shocking tackle at Sunderland. Maybe a fresh start elsewhere would do him good and I’d be delighted if it did, but I just think that we can make better use of his £3m per annum wages.

Highbury or the Emirates?

The Grove (sorry – the club may be getting paid to call it after an airline, but I’m not!) is a magnificent stadium and we had to move to a new ground to stand a chance of competing with the giants of the European game. It’s been unfortunate that since we made up our minds to move, two clubs have been taken over by billionaires making our task ever more difficult. However, in my idealistic world, where football is not business, I’d have stayed at Highbury forever. It was majestic and oozed class. Maybe I’ll feel differently when we’ve had some special memories at the new place, but somehow I don’t think I will.

So don’t forget, buy the Gooner next time you’re at a game, or get a subscription here or, if you like, the brilliant Gooner app. Follow them on twitter @goonerfanzine.

Keith the Gooner

2012-03-27T04:46:00.000-07:00

Absolutely chuffed to be joined by the legendary KeithTheGooner for this instalment of Your Arsenal. Eternally cheerful, Keith is one of my favourite Arsenal tweeters, and when I first started this blog he gave me tremendous encouragement and support. Along with Daryl Booth he gave us the iconic “Arsewars” series, and watch for his sitcom “We Could be Heroes” coming soon to a TV near you.

Why Arsenal?

My family are originally from Woolwich and Plumstead and as such they are split 50/50 between Charlton and Arsenal. My uncle saw an opportunity to recruit me to the Arsenal side of the family and quickly took me to Highbury before the other side of the family divide took me to The Valley. Lucky escape. I was THIS close to being @KeithTheAddick.

Earliest Arsenal memory?

Approaching Highbury stadium. I was awestruck. My uncle had taken me to a couple of Welling United games (come on you Wings!) to test the water and see if my attention span could last 90 minutes. I remember annoying him with 1000 questions at the Welling UTD game, asking about the offside trap (normal) how many substitutes each team was allowed (again, normal) what the players had for dinner (bit weird) and if the players were required to wear their kits 7 days a week (creepy.) He took me to see The Arsenal in the FA Cup on Saturday 25^th January, 1986, but more about that in the next question. I just remember being blown away by the sheer size of Highbury compared to Park View Road (The Wing’s ground) and the buzz in the air. There were people everywhere wearing the famous red and white scarf tucking into burgers and singing songs in the street. There were grown men swearing. Swearing! Everyone was in good spirits and in my mind, they all knew each other and I was the newest member of the family. As we went through the turnstiles into the East Stand, I remember the smell of cigar smoke, beer and burgers and as we climbed the stairs to the East Upper, I was blown away that a stadium could need stairs. There were clearly going to be a LOT more people here than at Park View Road. Walking up the stairs to see the famous Highbury pitch was a life defining moment for me. I’d arrived. It was exactly like the scene in Fever Pitch when the young Nick Hornby first glimpsed the pitch. I remember being so excited, but even at the age of seven, I was trying to stay cool and act like I’d been a season ticket holder for the past eight years so that my new family wouldn’t suspect that the new midget wasn’t brand new. This was it. I knew there and then that I’d be coming back to Highbury many times over the course of my life.

First game?

The 4^th round of the FA Cup on Saturday 25^th January, 1986 at home to Rotherham United. We won 5-1 with a brace from Ian Allinson and a goal a piece from Stewart Robson, Graham Rix and my first Arsenal hero, Charlie Nicholas. As far as I was concerned, The Arsenal would win every game as easily as the 5-1 that day. I’ve never forgiven my uncle for making me think that.

Favourite player (all time)?

Such a difficult question. I think I’ll answer it by doing the “man thing” and making a list, in no particular order of the Arsenal heroes that I have had over the years.

Charlie Nicholas

Tony Adams

David Rocastle

Anders Limpar

Ian Wright

Dennis Bergkamp

Thierry Henry

Cesc Fabregas

If I had to narrow it down to a top three, it would have to be Tony Adams (the first player’s name I ever had on the back of my shirt), Ian Wright and Thierry Henry. I would have to give the title to Thierry though. Wrighty was an absolute legend and one of the most exciting players I have ever seen. Tony’s love for the club and his heart is unrivalled, but I have never seen a player do the things that I saw Thierry Henry do. There was a period while he was with us that he was truly the greatest player in the world. To see him return for a short while this season was a fantastic buzz for sentimental reasons.

Favourite player (current)?

I’m excited about a couple of our younger players, in particular Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and Jack Wilshere. The prospect of these two linking up over the next few years in the famous red and white is mouth watering. RVP is an obvious choice for the goals that he is scoring and the leadership that he seems to be giving the team right now. I’m not entirely sure I’ve got a favourite right now, but I just stopped to think if I bought a new home shirt today then whose name would I get on the back and the answer was Jack Wilshere. I guess that makes him my favourite right now.

Highest point?

As Gooners, we are spoiled for choice aren’t we? The magic of Anfield ’89 is surely the greatest sporting moment of all time and I remember going mental watching that on TV, but only being 11 years old, I was too young to go down to Highbury, crack open a tin of Red Stripe and dance with that annoying teacher with the curly hair outside the stadium. Winning the league at Shite Hart Lane and Old Trafford were of course massive high points, as were the cup doubles in ’93. Being at the Littlewoods Cup Final in 1987 was unbelievable, as was beating Barcelona last year at home and the 5-2 against that lot with white shirts with the logo of a chicken trying to balance on a beach ball. All time high? I’m going to say it was The Invincibles. Being in Upper Street on the Sunday that we paraded the trophies was incredible. I think there was something like 200,000 Gooners all partying in the streets singing, “WE ARE UNBEATABLE” and the world knew it. We were BY FAR THE GREATEST TEAM, THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN and didn’t we know it. Wearing any clothing with the famous cannon on it was extra sweet that year because nobody could touch us. What an achievement.

Lowest point?

Again we are spoiled for choice! The lowest I have ever felt leaving a football match was against the scum last season. 2-0 up and then self destructing and losing 3-2. It hurt. A lot. I know that we have lost bigger games and suffered greater humiliation (Wrexham anyone?) but in my heart, this was the lowest moment I have felt in my Gooner career. I think that’s why it was so sweet to be 2-0 down to them and then come back and BEAT THE SCUM 5-2 this year!

Sign any 3 players?

I’m rubbish at this. I would describe myself as an Arsenal fan more than a football fan. The Arsenal to me is so much more than the first team playing games, although that is at the heart of everything. It’s about being with your mates and your family, the banter, the drama, the places you travel to, the identity of being part of something much larger than your own being. I watch Match of The Day and currently have Norwich v Wigan on in the background (Smudger commentating) but I’m not really paying attention. If we could sign any three players in the world, I guess I would go for the obvious answer and say Lionel Messi, if only to keep Chamakh and Park on their toes. Ozil looked decent in the last World Cup so sign him up. The last of the three players I would sign would be Cesc Fabregas. If I’m honest, we never should have let him go. He was still peaking and is yet to peak. But he was a better player than anyone we have had in the past 7 or so years and I really think that he is one of the best players in the world. With a bit of luck, Jack and The Ox will come good and Cesc will be calling them up to ask for tips in the not too distant future!

Sack any 3 players?

Arshavin, Chamakh, Denilson. Yep, I’m keeping Squilacci and Almunia around. They really aren’t as bad as people make out and are convenient scapegoats. I’m not advocating playing them in an Arsenal shirt ever again mind you!

Highbury or the Emirates?

Life goes on, things change and nothing stays the same. We needed to move to The Emirates and it is a beautiful stadium. The way that the club has “Arsenalised” the stadium has to be commended. Having said that, Highbury was my home and was beautiful in an entirely different way. Even now, walking past The East Stand I can’t help but marvel at the building, looking up at the window I used to see Wrighty hanging out of after games, the sound that you could hear from inside if you were running late for Kick Off and the sheer volume of memories. It’s Highbury for me.

Thanks a million Keith. You can follow Keith on twitter @KeithTheGooner.

Andrew Allen

2012-03-25T04:24:00.000-07:00

Your Arsenal part 2 and its one of the finest football writers on the internet. The incomparable, Andrew Allen, indomitable keeper of the archive that is the AFCcollective. If, on the off chance, you do know an obscure fact about the Arsenal, well Andrew probably told you...!

ClockEnd5 > Why Arsenal?

Andrew > I’m not sure there was much of a choice! My dad was a long-standing season-ticket holder before I was born and used to go to games with my uncle and grandfather on my mum’s side. I was kitted out in an Arsenal kit from the age of four and the indoctrination process continued throughout my childhood.

CE5 > So what’s you earliest Arsenal memory then?

Andrew > I’m told I was taken to my first game when I was four, although I haven’t been able to confirm which exact game in the 1987/88 season it was. I vividly remember watching the last-gasp win against Liverpool in 1989 at the house of a family friend and then playing football in the garden until the small hours.

CE5 > What was your first game?

Andrew > As I’ve mentioned it was sometime during 1987, although the specifics escape me – a fact that bugs me regularly! My North Bank induction didn’t begin in earnest until the 1990/91 season. I was rested on the crush barrier by my dad for the first home game of the season on a Wednesday night against Luton Town and never looked back.

CE5 > Your favourite Arsenal player?

Andrew > I’ve obviously been privileged to see a lot of great players during the Wenger era, but I think Anders Limpar really captured my imagination as a child. His signing was so out of keeping with the usual Graham transfers and he had such an immediate influence on the team that it was love at first sight. Although he was at the height of his powers in the title winning season of 1990/91, his partnership with Ian Wright the following year was arguably the best I ever saw at Highbury, while his chip from the halfway line against Liverpool is still my favourite ever goal.

CE5 > Your favourite player from the current team?

Andrew > It’s hard to look past Robin van Persie. He’s cut a very mature figure both on and off the pitch this year. He was unveiled to the Highbury crowd on the last day of the ‘invincibles’ season just in front of me wearing the most offensive trousers I’ve ever seen, and got himself into some bother ahead of the 2005/06 season but his development in the last 18 (injury-free) months has been fascinating. He always had the technique it was just a matter of him, as Arsene might say, being more ‘efficient.’ The goal against Everton to cap off the 125^th anniversary celebrations was a particular high point. Fingers crossed he commits his future to the club.

CE5 > Your highest point as an Arsenal fan?

Andrew > There have been so many. Winning the League Cup in 1993 on my first trip to Wembley will always stay with me, as will the personal congratulations I received from friends and teachers the day after the Cup Winners’ Cup triumph in 1994. My four years at university in London between 2001-2005 couldn’t have been better timed. Looking back it feels like the whole period was bathed in sunshine, booze and silverware. I celebrated winning the title at Old Trafford in the streets surrounding Highbury before getting a couple of hours sleep and heading to an exam. Two titles, three FA Cups, and 49 games unbeaten! Not bad…

CE5 > and your lowest point?

Andrew > The Nayim goal in 1995 still feels like a cruel joke, while the Owen brace in the FA Cup defeat to Liverpool in 2001 and Wayne Bridge’s goal for Chelsea in the 2004 Champions League quarter-final were also like shots to the heart. Strangely though, the lowest point was the draw against Birmingham in March 2008. I knew the moment Clichy conceded the injury-time penalty that our chances of winning the league were gone, despite the fact we were still top of the league at the end of the game. I think the emotion of watching Eduardo suffer such an horrific injury got to me. At the age of 25 I needed an hour lying face down on the floor of my bedroom just to try and calm down. It didn’t really work. That Birmingham repeated the feat two years later with a jammy last second equaliser and then beat us in the Carling Cup final last season hasn’t helped heal the wound!

CE5 > If you could sign any 3 players?

Andrew > Can I pass on all three on the proviso that Van Persie commits himself to Arsenal for the rest of his career? No? Ok…Messi, Ronaldo and Rooney – just so they can’t score against us anymore.

CE5 > Ok, get rid of 3 players?

Andrew > I always have a tinge of sadness when any Arsenal player leaves the club. I suppose I invest so much hope in them loving the club like I do, or being the best players they can be, that I take their respective exits quite personally. That being said there’s a few guys who I now just feel sorry for. Chamakh and Squillaci look completely bereft of confidence, while the Park transfer looks increasingly odd. For their own good, I’d love them to get their careers back on track elsewhere.

CE5 > Finally, Andrew Highbury or the Emirates?

Andrew > The Emirates is definitely growing on me, but it still lacks the dignified gravitas of Highbury. You can’t turn your back on 93 years of history and not feel sad. What I’d give for a chance to rewind the clock and stand on the North Bank again…

You can follow Andrew on twitter @AAllensports or @AFCcollective and don’t forget to have a look at the site for the brilliant collection of articles, nostalgia and videos.

Tim Stillman

2012-03-22T16:37:00.001-07:00

So it begins. Not with a fanfare, no crash of drums, no liveried announcer to introduce the protagonists. No, like all great experiments it begins quietly. Like Edison’s light bulb, Einstein’s theory of relativity, Dirac’s equation.... (Steady on). Sorry.

I am so proud to have an Arsenal legend to launch this experiment. Tim Stillman is one of the most knowledgeable Gooners out there. He regularly writes for Vital Arsenal and has a weekly column for Arseblog. Tim has been to more Arsenal games than Arsene Wenger, and if you even dream you know more about the Arsenal you better wake up and apologise....

ClockEnd5> So Tim why support Arsenal?

Tim> My family is a pretty even split between Spurs and Arsenal and I just chose The Arsenal. The reasons are probably quite vague in my 6 year old mind as to what made me make that choice. But I’d pinpoint the fact that, when I first started to kick the sponge ball around the playground, I played as a winger. At the time Arsenal had Merson, Limpar and the incomparable Rocastle and I think that’s what made my mind up. I have to be 100% truthful and say I thought about pledging my allegiance to Spurs simply because they had Gascoigne and I can’t pretend he wasn’t one of my footballing idols at the time. In fact, if I were a couple of years older and Spurs had had Waddle whilst Arsenal toiled in their uninspiring mid 80s sludge, it’s reasonable to assume I would have been a Spurs fan. Thankfully, Graham’s side was at its most exciting when I did come to choose. I recall my mum taking me to a sports shop in South London and asking me which shirt I wanted. Arsenal had that lovely “splodges” home kit design at the time and that totally sold me. Red against white is a very hypnotising colour scheme for a 6 year old.

CE5 > What’s your earliest Arsenal memory?

Tim > Aside from making that life altering choice in that Catford sports shop, my first memory was not a pleasant one. I assure you it’s totally by chance that I really began to take an interest in the results during the 1990-91 season. That sickening semi final defeat to Spurs at Wembley was the first time a result really felt significant to me. Arsenal had won most of their games that season, so I guess I thought this supporting lark was quite easy. It was a timely gut punch and I remember it making me feel physically sick. That Gascoigne twisted the knife somehow made it worse for me- a player I admired and whose performances in the 1990 World Cup are my very earliest football memories. The feeling I had when Spurs got their third goal that day made me realise I’d let myself in for something of a lifelong pursuit. It was a valuable lesson in humility though; it taught me that no matter how high your team flies, nobody is immune to that pain.

CE5 > What was your first Arsenal game?

Tim > It just so happens that it was 20 years ago this week that I made my first pilgrimage to Highbury. 22^nd March, 1992 for a home match against Leeds- who went on to win the championship that year. That was a pretty handy Leeds team- McAllister, Cantona, Batty, Speed, Strachan. But we were defending champions and it was a tough game. Due to my excitement, I reckon my Mum and I got to the ground over 2 hours before kickoff because the gates in the West Stand hadn’t even opened by the time we arrived. It was the best induction though; walking into the stadium empty, the red seats set against white and that brilliant green pitch in front of it. Then to slowly watch it fill up was intoxicating. The match was drawn 1-1 and I learned another invaluable lesson. Arsenal flop Lee Chapman was playing upfront for Leeds and was booed throughout the match. So of course he scored the equaliser. But the experience changed me forever. The next season I got a season ticket and I’ve only missed a handful of home games ever since. It’s 12 and a half years and counting since I last missed one at time of writing.

CE5 > Who is your favourite Arsenal player, ever?

Tim > Unquestionably Anders Limpar. That’s not to say he’s the best Arsenal player I’ve ever seen. He isn’t. But he was my favourite player when I was 7 and your favourite player when you’re 7 is your favourite for life, isn’t it? As I alluded to earlier, I played on the wing as a kid and he just played with this swagger and verve. He wasn’t like your traditional ‘push and run’ English winger. He played entirely on instinct, yet was gloriously unselfish with it. I’m even attracted to the fact that his time at Arsenal fizzled out due to conflict with the manager. I’ve always maintained that fascination with figures that don’t outstay their welcome. It’s the same with me for music. Bands like The Stone Roses and the Sex Pistols. Guys that produce one classic album, then kind of burn out and leave as quickly as they burst onto the scene. There’s an old saying that the star that burns twice as bright burns half as long. Anders just had all the ingredients for me, both as a kid and now as an adult.

CE5 > So who is your favourite player out of the current lot?

Tim > I like to think I’ve kind of grown out of having favourite players nowadays, but I’ve really taken to Andre Santos. He just plays with such great joy; you can tell playing football means everything to him. I think a person’s personality can come through in the way they play and Santos strikes me as a humble character, yet one that is really full of joy.

CE5 > Your highest point as an Arsenal fan?

Tim > I’ve been incredibly fortunate. I was in Madrid 06, I was there for Jens’ penalty save in Villarreal, I was in Milan in 03 and 08 and White Hart Lane in 04. In terms of a period of time, I was at all 49 matches in that unbeaten run and I imagine that’s something I’ll tell my grandchildren about. Some of the football we played in that period was unreal. At the end of that run I remember Highbury singing “Have you ever seen football played like this?” That’s the pinnacle for any fan really isn’t it? But in terms of one isolated moment, being at Old Trafford in 2002 will only ever be topped for me when Arsenal have won the Champions League. The stars really aligned that night, it was just perfect and everybody knew we’d done something incredibly special. I really thought we’d go on to dominate English football for 6 or 7 years after that.

CE5 > And your lowest point?

Tim > There have been a few of these too. Bolton in 2003 was incredibly difficult to swallow. I had to go to a party at uni when I got home from that game. Ordinarily I try not to take results too seriously but I just sat in a corner alone and drank whiskey after whiskey, but I just couldn’t get drunk. But Zaragoza in 1995 takes the shitty biscuit here. Losing cup finals in the last minute is one thing (something we’ve experienced again recently), but to do so in that manner- to an ex Spurs player during such a woeful season was probably the lowest point the club has experienced during my time as a supporter. We’d had such an awful season with Merson and Graham’s problems and finishing a pitiful 12^th place. The Cup Winners Cup was supposed to be our saviour for that year. To have it taken away like that was incredibly cruel. I wasn’t at the game, but I just remember steeling myself for penalties, feeling reasonably confident given Seaman’s exploits against Sampdoria in the semis. When the ball hit the net I was literally stunned for a good ten minutes. I didn’t say a word and when Zaragoza went to lift the trophy, I just got out of my chair and went up to bed.

CE5 > If you could sign any 3 players?

Tim > I never really speculate on this kind of thing. The only team I watch with any great regularity is Arsenal and I simply don’t watch enough football from other countries to pretend I have an informed opinion. I certainly think Arsenal needs at least one striker and one more creative player. It looks like Fabianski, Mannone and Almunia will all go this summer so an experienced number 2 will be needed too. It looks like the club are looking towards the Bundesliga and I certainly think that Germany now is looking a bit like

France

in the Clarefontaine days. I think that’s where Europe’s top young talent is going to come from for the next generation.

CE5 > OK get rid of 3 players?

Tim > Again, I don’t usually like to single players out, it’s too much of a Big Brother / X Factor style pantomime villain thing for me. I’d suggest a few high earning squad players will be trimmed this summer and hopefully we can replace them with a bit more value.

CE5 > Which is better, Highbury or the Emirates?

Tim > I loved Highbury, it was where I spent my formative years. But I’ll take the Emirates every time thanks. Much like when you’re asked if you prefer vinyl or MP3, I know the newest answer isn’t the trendy one, but I think there’s this tendency to romanticise the past and the folklore of Highbury has been part of that. We had a lot of great memories there and the classic architecture and compactness of the ground were very special. But I also recall it taking the entire half time break to squeeze through the concourses in the Clock End for a piss. Highbury was a classic ground but I think if we’re honest, it’d had its day. I think we should have moved 7-8 years earlier than we did if I’m honest. I also think there’s been some rose tinted reappraisal of the atmosphere. I think proportionately, there was just as much moaning, just as many early leavers and, post Taylor report, the atmosphere was no different to what we experience now. Every ground in England is pretty devoid of atmosphere nowadays, so I don’t pinpoint the move as the loss of some golden era of raucous chanting like some seem to. Perhaps we notice the grumbles now because there are simply more people inside. The current stadium is so much more user friendly and when it’s lit up at night, it looks so opulent. As does the pitch under the floodlights. I know that’s not the trendy answer, but I honestly think if we’d won a trophy or two since moving there, the voguish criticisms wouldn’t be anywhere near as pronounced. All the place needs is a few more memories. From a design point of view, it is utterly top notch.

Thank you Tim, one word, follow that! If you want to follow Tim on Twitter he’s here @LittleDutchVA .

Stay tuned for the next instalment of what makes it Your Arsenal.

Your Arsenal - What Is It?

2012-03-21T06:31:00.000-07:00

There is a famous Hollywood legend that tells of a young “runner” on a Hitchcock movie who approached the great man telling him how he always had great ideas for movies, just before he fell asleep at night. His problem was, when he awoke, he had completely forgotten them. Hitchcock’s advice to him was, that he should keep pen and paper by his bed, and jot down his ideas just before he fell asleep. The story goes, that the young acolyte tried this the very same night, and on waking eagerly sought the pad by his bedside, on which was written the words, “Boy meets Girl!”

Yes, we’ve all been there. We’ve all had those late at night brilliant ideas that inevitably turn out to be crap the next morning. I call them “Vampires” because daylight destroys them, utterly.

This “great” idea was born on that fitful night at the San Siro when Milan handed us that right beating, and one of my fellow Gooners in the pub cried out in despair, “Why do I support this fucking team?”

Now it may have been just a spur of the moment, and indeed, a purely rhetorical question, but nonetheless, when the game was over, and as we contemplated our uselessness, we asked each other the same question.....Why Arsenal? Considering we were all Irishmen from Tipperary with absolutely no connection to North London whatsoever, the answers were so different and, in a weird way, very logical, that the seed was sown and the idea took root.

What makes us Gooners? It can’t be geography, or hereditary, (although some are), but what makes Gooners in San Francisco congregate at ungodly hours to watch our games, even though they’ve never even seen the Holloway Road. What makes Gooners in the Far East get up in the middle of the night, to watch a league cup game against Shrewsbury Town?

Why am I, a proud Tipperary man, less affected when Tipp, or Ireland, lose than when Arsenal lose, which can bother me for days?

So here is my idea. Over the coming months I will be contacting Arsenal fans and asking them to answer ten simple questions about being a Gooner. Obviously I can’t ask everybody, but I will try to get as wide a spread of Fans as possible, from as wide a variety of locations as possible. You can be from Hackney or Mumbai or Detroit, you can be Wenger in, Wenger out, Wenger shake it all about, I don’t care, all I ask is that if you are contacted take a bit of time to think over your answers.

Maybe it fly, maybe it will flat on its arse, who knows. Whatever, it will be your space, your opportunity to talk about Your Arsenal.

Peter Hill-Wood's Guide To Football Chants!

2012-02-23T10:49:00.000-08:00

Last Wednesday, while having Tiffin at my club, I received a rather alarming call on my mobile telephone. The colonies, it seems, are rather upset by the current trend towards racism and bigotry that appear to be rife among supporters of the more “common” clubs and our esteemed major shareholder, Mr Kroenke, demands our own chaps do not descend to such base vulgarity in our impending contest against the dirty Spuds.

To that end I have prepared the following handy, cut-out guide to acceptable behaviour. Might I suggest you keep it on your person at all times, or if you feel disposed to have a pre match sherry or one of those “hot doggies”, you entrust it to the care of your driver until kick off.

Firstly, the match officials and specifically the umpire. It serves no purpose to suggest the esteemed gentleman has a penchant for self-abuse, nor indeed proposing that he is visually impaired and the result of hasty copulation with the chamber maid behind the stables. One should be courteous but firm, imagine him to be one of the servants, a loud “Oh I say!”, and an admonishing wag of the finger will carry much more weight than the dreadful “you don’t know what you’re doing!”. Remember one is not from Northumberland!

On the subject of goal minders, an odd and decidedly eccentric lot, particularly our own foreign chappie. Indeed I once obliquely referred to his unruly hair style by enquiring of him whether he was “off to Woodstock” or some other beatnik jazz festival, to which he gave no reply, just stared at me blankly. Blankly I say! One should of course endeavour to give him every encouragement and try not to soil oneself at every back pass. As for the scum’s antiquated, Villa reject, might I suggest a rousing “Ooooooooooh.........you have an extremely poor shots to saves ratio!” Hilarious.

Should the unthinkable happen and our brave boys put in a below par first half performance, then before you retire for a bracing half time glass of port, or cup of beef tea, I entreat you not to resort to the, frankly common, practise of “booing”. Restrict yourself to an angry “tsk tsk” or perhaps an admonishment towards the bench, along the lines of “Mr Wenger I protest at your tactics, I protest loudly Sir!” On no account should you partake in the vulgar exhortation for him to “spend some money”. May I remind you that we have frozen season ticket prices at 100 Guineas, what one would be expected to pay for a good day out at Ascot, including luncheon!

Now to the subject of derogatory chants towards the filth from down the road. Umbra in perpetuum est.

Frankly it is not cricket to constantly mention the High German of the Ashkenazi Jews or any variations or abbreviations thereof. Neither is it proper, or noble, to constantly draw attention to their manager’s unfortunate facial tic! Might I suggest the contemporary and cutting

> the Queens shilling, repay the Queens shilling!

Guaranteed to reduce him to a quiver of embarrassed twitchiness and therefore denuding his ability to make tactical decisions,

Here a few other chants you may direct at the Spuds.

Towards their supporters

> You will be perambulated home by the emergency services!

> Stand up if you hate Tottenham, but stand in a purely metaphoric fashion (i.e. the standing is implied but not the action of standing, as it contravenes Health and Safety) plus you may be ejected from the stadium.

Towards Gareth Bale

> You bear a striking resemblance to a Simian Hominid, specifically Pan troglodytes! Lol at that one!

Towards Adeybayor

> You Sir are a despicable mercenary; we find your pursuit of filthy lucre to be extremely distasteful!

Towards Scotty Parker

> You may look like Biggles, but you have none of his morals or dignity! Mmmmh Biggles!

Towards Assou-Ekotto

> You may think your elaborate hirsuteness calls attention to you, but it merely calls attention to your poor positional sense!

So there you have it, you glorious followers of the Red and White, remember support our brave boys this Sunday against the dastardly forces of evil. Enjoy the game and have a safe happy day, please don’t feel compelled to beat your servants if the result goes against us. Remember Victoria Concordia Crescit, or as Lady Nina was fond of saying...Up the Arse!!!.....Diggidy!!

Inside the Mind of Marouane Chamakh

2012-02-10T12:33:00.000-08:00

“There must be some way out of here, said the joker to the thief, there’s too much confusion, I can’t get no relief”. Great song that. The Jimmy Hendrix version obviously, not Dylan’s. Kind of dispels the myth, that the original is always better than the imitation. See the message is totally different from version to version. Hendrix has a more anthemic feel, while Dylan, wait, the Boss wants to know if I’m warm enough. I give him the thumbs up...quite comfortable Boss! Oooh! He wants me to warm up, better get going, he looks quite cross!

Now, how does this go again? Ah yes stretch a bit while pretending to watch the match, a bit of a light jog, why do they have to make the edge of the pitch so slanty? Must ask the groundskeeper next time. I enjoy my little chats with him, he keeps a bottle of whiskey in his office you know. Sometimes I get my days mixed up and come to the Emirates instead of London Colney, in fact one time I came to the Emirates when we were playing away, I asked the groundskeeper could I go on the pitch and have a kick about, he said that Wenger had left strict instructions that under no circumstances was I allowed to set foot on the pitch. I pointed out that, it only applied when there was a game on! I’m not doing that high stepping, swivelling the hips and arms thing, that just looks stupid. Hey, I’m going on.

Bastard tracksuit bottoms, there has to be an easier way. What about those trousers that male strippers wear? You know the Velcro jobs you can just rip off in one movement. I’ve often wondered when strippers get down to their undercrackers, and then whip them off, does the money go all over the place? Is there then etiquette for picking it up? Do they wait until the routine is over? I presume they must pick the money up while facing the audience, otherwise they get a full view of the old back passage! Do they have to do a training course? Yes I am listening to you Pat....support Robin......track back....get in the box...blah blah blah! ....................... I’m fucking freezing!!

And I’m on. Crap! We’re playing those Red and White stripey bastards, and yes, the square headed fucker, who’s always trying to kill me, is playing.....great! Think I’ll go stand over there for a while.

Mr Tambourine Man, now that’s a conundrum. I love the Byrds version, but also love Dylan’s version (although a trifle long), think I’ll call that one a draw....Oooh the ball!....shite, offside!

I do love Bowie, but “Pin Ups” really? It’s all cover versions, and obscure ones at that....nice tackle Gibbsie, careful you don’t get “injured”! Jesus! They’re so soft, I never get injured. Quick throw the ball to the new guy, he’s totally free, throw it now. Oh for fuck sake, don’t throw it to me, what am I supposed to do? Time for the old crafty back heel methinks, he’ll never read that!!

Well that didn’t work, should I run after him, I think I’ll run after him.....yes, great tackle new guy!!

I must go and introduce myself to the new guy. I mean he can’t be as grumpy as the big German! Hee hee, you should hear him trying to pronounce “bicycle”. Hilarious.

Huh, another miserable grumpy bastard, and again with the “get in the box”, do they think I’m a magicians assistant or something?.......Ball.....Offside.....Bollocks!

See, the trouble with this club, its all cliques. For example, start of the season, loads of new guys, Jack Wilsheres FIFA night, everybody in. My “Frank Zappa – Joes Garage” re-enactment night, nobody!! “Bartender, I’ll have a Pina Colada with milk. Second thoughts, better make that a water, H-T-O”. Classic..........Ball...........No Fucking Flag!!

Ok, Marouane, head down, do not look up under any circumstances, just keep going. Square headed man....square headed man............man down!!

Ow ow ow o wow!! Jesus that hurt. Yes, book him Ref, have that you big square headed, caveman bastard. Hello physio man. I’m fine, honestly, I’m ok, don’t spray that shit on me...ack...Straight in my face. My face isn’t injured for fuck sake! I expect I’ll be subbed off now, Hello, Hello, bench totally ignoring me. Hang on, I am a sub!!

Have to go and defend a corner now, I hate this crap!

Instructions from Woj, concentrate etc, defend your zone, blah blah! Honestly I am not a child!!

Actually, who remembers the original of “Sorrow”, it is a great Bowie song from Pin Ups, yet no one remembers the original by the Merseys, or is it just me? Oh good goal, overhead kick!!

Shout at me all you want you lanky German bastard. Its pronounced BICYCLE, and FYI an eye doctor is not called an “optimist”, wanker.

Final whistle, thank Christ! Yeah well played mate, but I don’t want your sweaty shirt!

Wonder what the score was!!