TSA's Night Before Christmas

2010-12-27T22:08:00.001-05:00

'TSAs Night Before Christmas

'TSAs night before Christmas, and all thro' the house,
Not a traveler was stirring, they're scared as a mouse;
The laptops were flung on the x-ray belt without care,
In hopes that passengers would have a good scare;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of full body scans danced in their heads;
And Mama in her mini-skirt, and I in my Yankees cap,
Had just stood in line and had hoped for a gap --

When inside the terminal there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the line to see what was the matter.
Away to the scanner I flew like a flash,
Tore open my trousers and showed TSA my stash.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but Janet Napolitano, and eight agents on a tear.
With little Big Sis, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment, my stomach might be sick.

More rapid than vultures her henchman they came,
And they whistled, and shouted, and called me by name;
Now, Janet! now, Clapper! now, Obama and Biden!
On, Rahm! on Congress! on, Pistole and Clinton!

To the front of the line! To the back of line!
Now dash away! Chase away! Harass young and old, double time!
As dry leaves that before the 747 engine fly,
When they meet with an objection, it's an intrusive pat down or don't fly.

So out to the kiosk check-in the TSA agents they flew,
"We'll get those pesky passengers, with our latex gloves, if we have to."
And then, in a Chris Matthews tingle, I felt suddenly aloof,
The wrenching and pawing of my poor little Hoof.

As I twisted my hips, and was turning around,
Up the other leg came Big Sis for a second time 'round.
She was dressed all in blue, from her head to her foot,
And her clothes were finished off by her favorite Jackboots.

A bundle of tools she had flung on her back,
And she looked like a gangster 'bout ready to attack.
Her eyes -- how they twinkled! Her smirk how leery!
Her cheeks looked quite pufffy, her gaze how scary!

Her troll little mouth said "Opt out? Oh ho ho no,"
"I think not, indeed you I shall show."
The stump of my license she held tight in her teeth,
And she encircled my boarding pass like a wreath.

She had a round face and even rounder belly,
That shook, when she laughed "Opt out? Don't be so silly."
She was chubby and plump, her right jolly old self,
And I cringed when I saw her, I knew civil rights would not help;

A wink of her eye and a twist of her head,
Soon gave me to know, I had something to dread;
She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work,
And targeted each passenger, who TSA consider to be jerks.

And wagging her finger up and down the rows,
And giving up a nod, "to the side," she said "you go, and you go"
She sprang up to her full body scanner, to her team gave a whistle,
And they all fell on the line, like a laser-guided missile.

But I heard her exclaim, ere she disappeared into the night,
"Happy travels to all, and to all a hellish flight!"

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TSA's Night Before Christmas