Clubhouse Cancer

Big Z introduces the unsuspecting world to his porn stache.

2009-02-13T23:21:46-06:00

Cubs ace Carlos Zambrano debuted a terrific new look on the first day of spring training Friday. The fabulous new ‘Z-stache’ (as we are now calling it) will fit riiiiight in if he walks about 4 blocks east after a home game.

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,MLB,Chicago Cubs,Carlos Zambrano,mustache,porn 'stache,porno,homosexuality,gay

Can you smell what Lou Brock is cookin?

2009-02-13T02:27:37-06:00

Thought is was a good headline. Nothing more. That is all.

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,MLB,Chicago Cubs,St. Louis Cardinals,Lou Brock,The Rock,Dwayne Johnson

Matthew McConaughey is just. plain. stupid.

2009-02-13T02:00:57-06:00

OK, ok…CC is mostly a sports website. But this brain-dead moron is begging to be mocked.

How does McConaudouche NOT get that the great Jimmy Kimmel is making complete fun of him? Does Kimmel have top-shelf weed backstage in addition to his now legendary wet bar, or did McConaughey smuggle in his own?

He’s a Longhorn, too…so we should love him…but he’s such a fucking retard, it’s hard to give him the benefit of the doubt anymore.

The only thing missing from this clip is McConaudouche flashing the ‘Hook em’ sign.

JK livin’, brah.

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,ABC,Jimmy Kimmel Live,Matthew McConaughey,weed,pot,marijuana,stoned,Texas Longhorns,JK Livin

Danica Patrick in the SI swimsuit issue?

2009-02-11T01:29:18-06:00

In our opinion, this is just lazy swimsuit issuing.

Danica Patrick is the least attractive ‘hot’ female athlete (are racecar drivers even athletes?) of all time, and posing her on a car is completely schlocky and unimaginative. Plus, let’s face it…we have all seen the video of her bitching out the infinitely hotter Milka Duno. Patrick is well-known to be a harpy shrew in an embarrassingly unpopular sport, and above all, she isn’t even any good.

Which leads us to believe one of her desperate sponsors probably demanded her inclusion in exchange for some guaranteed ad buys.

Isn’t the notion of the swimsuit issue kinda antiquated by now anyway? Doesn’t SI have the temerity to showcase female athletes on the way up their respective career ladders? Seriously. Danica Patrick? If they were gonna bore the hell outta us, they should have just trotted out Kournikova and moved on.

(as a 29 year subscriber, we feel obliged to make this comment, so suck it.)

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,IRL,Danica Patrrick,Milka Duno,Sports Illustrated,swimsuit issue,pics,pictures,Anna Kournikova

Of course, male athletes arent the ONLY steroid abusers.

2009-02-09T16:22:56-06:00

C’mon now. Despite the seemingly earnest conviction, pictures don’t lie. Unless this chick is wearing flesh colored shoulder pads, of course.

How much longer before we get a teary-eyed ‘nonpology’ from Dara Torres?

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,2008 Olympic Games,swimming,Dara Torres,Alex Rodriguez,steroids,juice,HGH,'roids,performance enhancing drugs

Anabolic-Rod admits to using steroids.

2009-02-09T14:16:02-06:00

In other breaking news, the Pope really is Catholic. As to whether or not a bear shits in the woods, Selena Roberts from Sports Illustrated is on the case.

And the only person who should ever use the term “loosey-goosey” is Dr. Seuss, and even then it might earn him a beating.

Who would have ever thought the most honest person in sports might just be Jose Canseco?

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,MLB,Alex Rodriguez,Peter Gammons,New York Yankees,Texas Rangers,Seattle Mariners,Jose Canseco,juice,steriods,'roids,ESPN

Curt Schilling has a point.

2009-02-08T23:30:37-06:00

Christ, does it hurt to right that. Why, you ask? Because there’s a damn good reason Schilling is known as a dickweed. That’s why. Now shut up and quit asking dumb questions.

BUT, when he’s right, he’s right.

Schilling took to the internet Sunday to post his comments on the recent ‘leak’ of Alex Rodriguez’ positive steroids test in 2003, and he makes a pretty cogent, if obvious, comment.

“I’d be all for the 104 positives being named, and the game moving on if that is at all possible,” Schilling writes.

Fair enough. Most of us would like to see that list too.

The former World Series MVP former goes on to write:

“In my opinion, if you don’t do that, then the other 600-700 players are going to be guilty by association, forever,” he wrote. “It appears that not only was it 104, but three of the greatest of our, or any, generation appear to be on top of this list.”

OK, that last part doesn’t make too much sense, and seems to have been written by a child (or ballplayer, same difference), but we get his mis-phrased point. He wants to know which players he K’d while they were juicing, of course.

There is one lingering question, however. Does Curt Schilling really think all this bluster puts him above suspicion? After all, he was one of the premier power pitchers of the ‘steroid era’…

Oh, and settle down…we don’t actually think Curt Schilling has any good intellectual points to make, we just wanted a convenient excuse to call him a dickweed and point an accusatory finger his way.

Ahhh…that feels better.

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,MLB,Boston Red Sox,Curt Schilling,Alex Rodriguez

Jamal Anderson bumps the Dirty Bird to a new level.

2009-02-08T16:25:40-06:00

Former Atlanta Falcons RB Jamal Anderson was busted at an Atlanta area saloon for felony possession of coke and misdemeanor possession of weed on Saturday night.

That in itself is really not too surprising. Jamal Anderson’s career was cut years short due to multiple knee injuries, so he’s still a youngish guy with tons of dough to spend on blow and/or whatever else he’s into…coughcoughdudescough…

The interesting part of the story is the circumstances surrounding how he got nailed.

According to TMZ.com:

Anderson was busted inside a bathroom stall -- with another ‘fella’ -- at the Peachtree Tavern after a patron heard someone making a “snorting noise.”

The patron reported the “noise” to a bar security guard -- who happened to be an off-duty Atlanta police officer.

The Atlanta PD tells TMZ the security guard went into the bathroom to investigate when he heard the suspicious noise. We’re told the guard then popped over the top of the stall and claims to have seen Anderson and another man doing lines of coke off the toilet tank. He immediately arrested both men.

First of all, what kind of stick-up-his-ass douche calls a bouncer about someone doing a couple lines in a bathroom at a bar? Second, doesn’t the Atlanta PD have rules about officers moonlighting as bouncers? We bet they do. Third…what kind of idiot does coke off the back of a toilet tank? Those things are white, for chrissake. You might miss some.

Here’s Anderson in better times on MTV’s Cribs:

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,NFL,Atlanta Falcons,Jamal Anderson,coke,cocaine,pot,weed,marijuana,idiot

Michael Phelps on the cover of High Times magazine

2009-02-08T10:14:41-06:00

High Times might end up looking something like this when big-time sponsors start to flee, and Phelpsy dives head first onto that ultra-American merry-go-round of the ‘desperate-to-stay-famous’ athlete. (see: Jenner, Bruce)

As we see it, the main problem with the whole Michael Phelps phenomenon is that it keeps extending the time we have to go on pretending we care about swimming.

Maybe Cheech Phelps could grow him out some dreds, hitch a flight to Jamaica and cross-train with Usain Bolt? Kind of a fastest-man/fastest swimmer in history kinda thing? What could they possibly have in common?

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,2008 Olympic Games,Michael Phelps,Usain Bolt,Alicia Sacramone,swimming,weed,pot,marijuana,bong,High Times

Say it aint so, Anabolic-Rod!

2009-02-07T12:24:38-06:00

So, does Alex Rodriguez get his HGH from Madonna, or is it the other way around?

If you didn’t know this was coming, you need to pluck your head outta the sand for a while. Hey, look…it’s the 21^st century! A black man is President!

This should finally give Jeter the opportunity he has been simply dying for to distance himself from A-Fraud once and for all.

Check out our friends at SI.com for the exclusive full story. And kudos to them on for their hard work on breaking the news.

Technorati Tags: Clubhouse Cancer,MLB,New York Yankees,Seattle Mariners,Texas Rangers,Alex Rodriguez,Derek Jeter,Jason Giambi,steroids,juice,HGH,Madonna,Sports Illustrated