husband news, rants, and tips

Thirteen Years Ago Today

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 21:48:00 +0000

How time flies.

Thirteen years ago today I met James. He was short, kind of pudgy and a bright color of pink. The nurses said, they thought he was beautiful. I knew he was. All my kids are.

Today he is taller. A lot less pink and far from pudgy.

He is my youngest son. He is my constant companion though we speak very little. He sits and plays on his computer a few feet from where I work on mine. We are in the same room and we rarely talk to each other. Not because we don't want to but because we don't have to.

I know when he quietly chuckles he has found a web site he likes. He knows when I lean back and shake my head I have hit a snag in my writing or editing. It doesn't have to be spoken out loud. He does on occasion say, "Dad, look at this", then he will turn his screen towards me and show me a funny picture. It, as happens in life, is usually at the worst time. It is when I have stumbled upon a problem or an obstacle. It is, maybe, when James thinks I need a laugh.

Obstacle or not I take the time for James. I look at his source of amusement and it is more often than not worth a laugh. Even if it wasn't I would still take the time.

Not just because James deserves the time but because time is short. It wasn't but a blink of an eye since eighteen year old John, twenty-one year old Christopher or twenty-four year old T.J. was sitting there.

They too would share things with Dad. Now not so much. Their lives are busy. They have more important people to show a cartoon to than their father. It will soon be the same with James.

In another blink, thirteen more years will pass, and James will be a man. He will have other people to laugh with him. He might even have his own James to share pictures. If he does I hope he remembers to take those precious seconds while they are there.

I think he will because boys as good as James turn out to be very good men.

It is the reason I look forward to seeing how he turns out.

But I will still miss my little boy, and where ever the winds of change places him in this world, I hope I have done enough to make him miss me too.

Back to reality

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:27:00 +0000

There is nothing like Tuesday trash day to bring me back to reality. Most week days I am a gifted but unread literary genius. On the weekends I am, perhaps, the greatest arm chair quarterback in the land. Then there is Tuesdays.

Every Tuesday I get the pleasure of gathering up and emptying small trash cans into bigger trash cans and then depositing the whole mess into a gigantic wheeled trash container which I push to the end of my driveway.

One hundred and twenty-five feet of humbling asphalt. Every inch I question the choices I have made in life. Mostly the choice to claim this one chore as mine. It looked better than nightly dishes. It certainly gets me more fresh air than vacuuming. But all in all it isn't a great job. For one thing it has to be done on a schedule and I prefer to live my life on a whim. Secondly it really bites in the winter. It is for this reason I will soon propose a scrambling of the chores.

I will pick a new one and leave trash to some grass is always greener vacuumer or dish doer. My new chore will be to paint the exterior of the house when ever it needs it. It has all my requirements. It will provide fresh air. It has no schedule. It never has to be done in the cold.

Sure maybe some of you will say painting the house is a hard and tedious chore. I do not agree.

My disagreement comes from a year of Tuesday pondering and careful thought on a great choice in life.

You see, I like the third pig, live in a brick house.

You can huff and you can puff but it will never need paint.

Paula Creamer, Dale Earnhardt Jr and West Virginia Football

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 18:27:00 +0000

This weekend was a bust! Paula Creamer finished second in Mexico, Dale Junior finished 35th in Phoenix and West Virginia couldn't pull off the upset of Cincinnati.

Paula Creamer's effort was the best and so was her looks - which is the main reason I watch so as long as second gets her air time I am good with that. Michele Wie won the tournament, her first ever so it was a pretty good day for the Americans.

Dale Jr had his usual bad luck when oil leaked on to his rear tire causing him to wreck on a restart. The good part was he was able to take out loud mouthed, rolly, polly Tony Stewart.

West Virginia was hosed in their game against the Bearcats. The Big East and their review team has shown nothing short of the integrity of professional wrestling this year. I won't rehash the play or the call, but it was only surpassed by the the terrible replay call made in the final minutes, stopping Notre Dame's attempt to upset Pitt.

If the Big East wants to be in the business of sports entertainment and not real collegiate sports, just say so and it will save me from watching the games.

My advice to The Big East - look up the word "indisputable".

My advice to Dale Earnhardt Jr - finish Homestead then finish about 12 Mojitos in South Florida and look forward to next year.

My advice to Paula Creamer - bend more at the waist during your putts. it won't help your score but it will help TV ratings!

Survivor does it again

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 06:01:00 +0000

The idiots on Survivor again voted off a blonde hottie when there were perfectly good ugly people begging to go. CBS really needs to start vetoing some of these tribal council votes if they want to retain me as a viewer.

Kelly Sharbaugh may have been dumb as a wood door but she was also worth my cable bill to see her strut around the reality show in her tank top and shorts.

Mean while we will be treated to at least one more week of Russell and his thick thatch of back hair.

It's almost enough to make me watch NBC - almost!

Dancing with the Stars Carter booted

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 14:00:00 +0000

The fans of Dancing with the Stars finally got one right last night when they booted tear stained Aaron Carter from the competition. The 21 year old who was known more for his emotional out bursts than for his dancing found out the judges can only carry you so far before, America gets disgusted watching a grown man cry about a dance show, and kicks you to the curb.

The contest is now down to four - Kelly Osborne, Joanna Krupa, Donny Osmond and Mya.

Our pick to win it all is of course long legged and blonde, bikini model, JoAnna Krupa. we know this wasn't our original pick but have you seen her on the cover of Playboy? Let's just say it was enough to sway our vote.

Veteran's - Who are they

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 13:17:00 +0000

What is a Vet.............

He is the cop on the beat who spent six months in Saudi Arabia sweating two gallons a day making sure the armored personnel carriers didn't run out of fuel.

He is the bar room loudmouth, dumber than five wooden planks, whose overgrown frat-boy behavior is outweighed a hundred times in the cosmic scales by four hours of exquisite bravery near the 38th parallel.

She (or he) is the nurse who fought against futility and went to sleep sobbing every night for two solid years in Da Nang.

He is the POW who went away one person and came back another - or didn't come back AT ALL.

He is the Parris Island drill instructor who has never seen combat - but has saved countless lives by turning slouchy, no-account rednecks and gang members into Marines, and teaching them to watch each other's backs.

He is the parade-riding Legionnaire who pins on his ribbons and medals with a prosthetic hand.

He is the career quartermaster who watches the ribbons and medals pass him by, but keeps the supply lines full.

He is the three anonymous heroes in The Tomb Of The Unknowns, whose presence at the Arlington National Cemetery must forever preserve the memory of all anonymous heroes whose valor dies unrecognized with them on the battlefield or in the ocean's sunless deep.

He is the old guy bagging groceries at the supermarket - palsied now and aggravatingly slow - who helped liberate a Nazi death camp and who wishes all day long that his wife were still alive to hold him when the nightmares come.

He is the brother who gave up his scholarships and gambled his future to fight the Cold War.

He is the father who now rests not at the nursing home but at the veterans cemetery. The same man who when told The President needed his help in defending the country didn't ask why. He only asked where?

He is the nephew of a Cold Warrior. He is the Grandson of a Roosevelt soldier. He is the older brother who stands between evil and America. He is the son of proud parents. But most of all he is the proof that America's future shines bright because his generation has chosen to carry the torch high and proud without fear. He is Bin Laden's worst nightmare.He is his country's greatest asset. He is a United States Marine.

He is an ordinary and yet an extraordinary human being - a person who offered some of his life's most vital years in the service of his country, and who sacrificed his ambitions so others would not have to sacrifice theirs.

He is a soldier and a savior and a sword against the darkness, and he is nothing more than the finest, greatest testimony on behalf of the finest, greatest nation ever known.

So remember, each time you see someone who has served our country, just lean over and say Thank You. That's all most people need, and in most cases it will mean more than any medals they could have been awarded or were awarded.

Two little words that mean a lot, "THANK YOU."

It's the soldier, not the reporter, Who gave us our freedom of the press.

It's the soldier, not the poet, Who gave us our freedom of speech.

It's the soldier, not the campus organizer, Who gave us our freedom to demonstrate.

It's the soldier, Who salutes the flag, Who serves others with respect for the flag, And whose coffin is draped by the flag, Who allows the protester to burn the flag.

(Please send this on after a short prayer.)

Prayer for our Servicemen

Lord, hold our troops in Your loving hands. Protect them as they protect us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us in our time of need. I ask this in the name of Jesus, our Lord and Savior. Amen.

------------

When you read this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our ground troops in Afghanistan, Iraq and elsewhere.

Of all the gifts you could give a U.S. serviceman, prayer is the very best one.

Amen

This was sent in by a reader

Mortgage Refinance it's the right time

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 23:31:00 +0000

If you are paying much more than 5% for your current mortgage it's time to trade it in on a new one. Your best option, if your credit has survived the recession, is to get a hold of your mortgage broker and get things going with a refinance before the economy improves and you are stuck with a 6% plus mortgage.

If your credit, like a lot of people's, took a ding in these tough times there is still hope through one of our government's plans to help distressed home owners. Your credit doesn't have to be perfect and many of the nations largest mortgage servicers are participating - so you have a good chance who ever holds your mortgage will help you. Simply visit their website or give them a call to get things rolling.

Either way the time is now to look at any mortgage above 5% and certainly refinance any mortgage above 6%.

For once in your life play the game like the big boys and make yourself a little money or in this case save a little while times are bad. Then when times are good again you will be sitting even better financially with a low mortgage rate.

It's the smart move.

Upload pictures

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 18:38:00 +0000

I just finished changing the picture on the page giving directions on how to get your or your wife's pictures shown on ClubHusband.com - then it hit me! I shouldn't have changed it!

I changed the picture because a certain woman kept complaining about the expression on the woman's face. She did have an odd expression but she also had a very impressive tank top on and her arms thrown back. It is the tank top that kept men from complaining. In fact it is my guess most men never noticed she had a face. But that is not the reason I shouldn't have changed it.

The reason, I now know, I shouldn't of switched pictures was because the complaining woman wasn't really complaining, she was crying out for help. She wanted me to help her get her picture on the page. She wanted her own tank top to be displayed to the world or at least ClubHusband's small share of the web world. She wanted to be the example of how to send a picture to us.

So I am sure now she will have a similar complaint about the new picture. She will pick on the pop cycle she is eating or the washer she is sitting on or some other little detail till I finally agree to use her equally tantalizing picture.

You know who you are, I know who you are, just send a picture so the world will know who you are.

We know you want to!

Identity Theft Doesn't Scare Me

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 17:32:00 +0000

Identity theft is a major problem in America. It is up again this year over last and surely will continue to grow but I am not worried. I have a sure fire way to prevent criminals from stealing my identity. I lead a life no one would want!

Not only would know one want my life, they would not even wish it on their worst friend or best enemy. It is a life of keyboard drudgery and office boredom. It makes accounting look like movie stardom. It makes farming look profitable. I know of park rangers who have more interaction with people than I do.

I spend my day writing drivel and tweaking internet ads to squeeze out one more ounce of beer money. Lucky for me I do not have a palate for expensive beers and I only drink beer on special occasions, like when I am out of tequila!

This is the life of a web editor. I know it doesn't coincide with the ads promising 938 dollars a day through blogging but it's, I am afraid, closer to reality.

So here I sit and write knowing I am immune to identity theft. It's not much to base a life on but it's my only job perk so I will accept it with graciousness.

Pizza Hut fails me again

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 17:23:00 +0000

My yearly try at obtaining hot pizza from Pizza Hut failed again last night. Some of it was my fault but my stomach doesn't care.

I decided, with my great wisdom to try Pizza Hut's online ordering system because the Dominoe's where we live is always so busy. I went to Pizza Hut's web site. I entered my address, I entered my zip code, I was presented with a choice of locations. In our small town we have two Pizza Huts. I, of course, chose the one across town because I have tried the other one twice and it was terrible both times. Apparently the choice I was given was merely an illusion. I now know, no matter what location you choose it defaults to the one I hate. Yes it was my fault for not noticing when I clicked the first location the web site automatically picked the second location on the list. I was wrong for believing I actually had a choice, just like I was wrong thinking sooner or later I might get hot pizza from Pizza Hut.

So I completed my order in the bliss of stupidity and prepared for the ten minute drive across our small town.

Now remember the first Pizza Hut is the "good one" in our tiny burg. I made the short trek and walked in exactly the time the web site said it would be ready. I was greeted at the door by no one so I walked to the counter where a woman stared at me until I spoke. I told her my name and told her I oredered online. She replied, "we don't do that here". I explained I purposely chose her location because I don't like the other one. She said she would "check'. Another woman rolled her eyes and said "we never done that". The first woman picked up the phone and called , I assume, the other location. She then informed me, "it's over there".

I then drove "over there". I walked in. Just like the other Pizza Hut, no one greeted me so I walked to the counter and told the two women standing behind the counter my name. One woman said, 'you deal with that' and walked away. The other woman retrieved our pizza from a shelf. I asked why all Pizza hut employees were so miserable tonight and she proudly exclaimed, "this is not Pizza Hut, this is Drama Hut". She was going to say more but a server yelled from across the service area, "I am not waiting on that table". There was a back and forth but it isn't worth repeating.

I paid for my pizza and drove home. I opened it and it was not hot. It was not cold either so we began to eat it. I found out why it didn't hold heat, it wasn't cooked thoroughly.

I know my story doesn't have a happy ending. It isn't truly funny. It has no moral - just cold raw pizza.

But my story does have a suggestion; Always buy your pizza from the busy place. There is a reason they are busy.

The age old question

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 22:47:00 +0000

The age old question - what came first the chicken wings or the chest pains? It's a question men have been pondering for decades. Since 1964 to be exact. The year buffalo dipped chicken in hot sauce and sent it out to half time buffets every where.

On face value you wouldn't expect chicken broiled in an oven to clog arteries but then again nothing is as it seems. An innocent chicken wing baked or broiled at high heat sounds healthy enough. I guess it must be the coating of butter and hot pepper sauce that gives us the pain. It also might be the cooking oil I apply before baking to get a good crisp. It couldn't possibly be the ranch dressing I dip it in - could it?

Maybe it's just the fact I eat about two dozen wings at a sitting. Maybe that's a slight exaggeration but not by much. It has always been my fear I would stumble into a pub or grill, sit down order the wings, a few beers and before I know finish first in a wing eating contest, I didn't know I was in. Sure I would love the trophy but just the thought, my snack is another man's goal, scares me.

But not enough to quit eating my oil coated, butter basted, ranch dressing dripping delight even if it kills me.

Chelsie Hightower voted of DWTS

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 23:49:00 +0000

Reality TV hit a new low last night when Dancing with the Stars kicked high stepping blonde Chelsie Hightower to the curb. Who cares if her dwarfish partner, skateboarder Louis Vito couldn't dance? That is not the point!

The point is if I am going to be subjected to this show, I want to watch Miss Hightower and her long legs spin around my big screen in HDTV. I don't care who her partner is so just kick one of the dancing bimbos to the curb and let her take another partner. I am sure the male "star" won't mind. His wife might but I am sure he won't.

Why I keep the Tree

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 18:24:00 +0000

This is the few days of the year where all the tree trimming and leaf raking is worth while. I can look out into my backyard and enjoy the tree. The other weeks of the year I swear I will cut it down like Paul Bunyan clearing the great northern forests. Just as the time comes when I am sharpening my axe (electric chainsaw) the leaves change I remember why the tree is worthwhile.

Surviving the In Laws

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 18:11:00 +0000

I have again survived a visit by my in laws. I not only survived their visit but simultaneously I survived my second son's 21st birthday party. The birthday party was shorter but much more intense. There is nothing worse than being sober around 40 drunk 21 year olds. Okay maybe one thing is worse - yard saling with the mother in-law. I know a lot of people enjoy going house to house and digging through other peoples throw aways but I am not one of them. I am not even a big fan of Big Lots. I like my stuff intact and shiny on the day I buy it. I want to be the guy that breaks the leg off the crock pot or loses the rechargeable battery on the cordless sander but to each his own.

Dancing with the Stars

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 12:32:00 +0000

Are you kidding me? I complain about you idiots almost voting off Chelsie Hightower last week and you punish me by casting out Natalie Coughlin this week?

You would rather watch Michael Irvin stumble? You would rather watch the Iron Chef guy stammer? Are you guys stupid?

Mondays and Tuesdays won't be the same without the long legged, limber, Olympic swimmer to watch.

If our wives are going to subject our living room to this show we must start voting or there will be no hot chicks left to make it bearable.

Survivor broke the Rules

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 19:23:00 +0000

Last night Survivor broke my cardinal rule. No not feeding people sea slugs blended into a smoothie. They broke the rule of never, ever voting off hot blonds.

Ashley Who - cares (Trainer, if you care), literally choked when she failed to down a smoothie made of some disgusting large insect pretending to be sea food. Her choking caused her team to lose out on a Survivor BBQ of Porterhouse steaks and sausages. I can understand how this would make me mad but not mad enough to vote out a small petite blond who wears shorts, halter tops and bikinis. I have never been hungry enough to pick a porterhouse over eye candy. I would rather spend 40 years let alone days hungry with beautiful female landscape than ten minutes with a full stomach and a view of shirtless Russell and his mutant beard.

I'll give this idiots one more chance but if they vote off Natalie White next week I am done.

Powerball Thursday morning

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 14:39:00 +0000

Last night I didn't win the lottery so I must march on in my boring middle class life. No vacations on plush tropical islands. No visiting every NASCAR track in one year. No hiring of female body builders to carry me around. No hiring of bikini models to fetch the needs of my every desire.

This drudgery, we call life, must, and will, continue until my $6 a week lottery habit pays off.

Lets hope it happens soon so I can quit exposing you to this mundane drivel my kind readers call a blog.

Hell's Kitchen

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 19:19:00 +0000

Congratulations to Dave Levey the latest winner of Gordon Ramsey's Hell's Kitchen competition. I think Dave became a fan favorite as fast as Kevin lost popularity so it was probably a popular win among the show's fans.

Dave hurt his wrist weeks ago and literally beat the competition one handed. The runner up Kevin was portrayed (fair or not who knows?) as a guy who would use anything, including Levey's injury, as an opportunity to score points with Ramsey.

Chelsie Hightower almost booted

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 19:18:00 +0000

Chelsie Hightower and her "star" partner, snow boarder Louis Vito, were almost eliminated last night on Dancing with the Stars. Miss Hightower (who cares who she dances with?) was in the bottom two of vote getters last night. Instead of the cute blonde in the cowgirl boots, UFC's Chuck Liddell was sent packing. I think the only things Chuck will miss about the show is the long legs and the weekly pay. He didn't look all that sad about the results.

I liked Chuck and his heavy footed dancing but given a choice I am glad Chelsie Hightower will be around at least a week longer to give me something to look at while I miss another week of Monday Night Football due to the wife recording every show on every network that does not have an inflated ball involved.

Jets Dolphins or Dancing with the Stars

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 18:13:00 +0000

Should I watch the Dolphins - Jets game or Dancing with the Stars? On the face it looks like an easy choice for a football fan. The problem is, I am also a huge fan of scantily clad women shaking all over my television screen. Sure I like tight ends more than most but I also like football.

Joanna Krupa, Natalie Coughlin and Chelsie Hightower's tight ends look a lot better than Chad Henne or Mark Sanchez's but this is a big AFC East matchup I hate to miss.

I guess i will have to do what ever red blooded American male will do - WATCH FOOTBALL and record the the jiggling women for later.

Entourage

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 18:02:00 +0000

Now that the Entourage is over for the season is there a reason to keep HBO? I don't see one. When the Sopranos would be in hiatus a few years ago I would always cancel HBO during the time just out of protest.

I would proudly call up my cable company and declare - cancel it! They thought I was an idiot. Little did they know, at the time I was a Nielsen family. By me canceling it, I was speaking for the 400 families that each Nielsen viewer represents.

I am sure HBO didn't sweat it but it gave me satisfaction and that's all that matters to me.

My weekend

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 18:02:00 +0000

My weekend;

Dale Jr was running top ten when Elliot Sadler wrecked him with six laps to go at Fontana.- BAD THING

I cut my little finger so it's in a bandage. It doesn't hurt but my usual typing speed of 10 words per minute has been cut in half. - BAD THING

West Virginia spanked Syracuse and now looks forward to doing the same to in state rival Marshall. - GOOD THING.

Michigan lost. - GOOD THING.

It rained all weekend so I couldn't finish my yard project. - GOOD THING.

It rained all weekend and my finger hurt so I watched a lot of sports - GOOD THING

Padma Lakshmi

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 20:04:00 +0000

Contrary to some accusations, Padma Lakshmi is not the only reason I watch Top Chef. I also watch it for new ways to cook Giraffe tails and other ridiculous things.

How many different items can a chef put with seared scallops? "Oh my task is to make a hamburger?". "I think i will substitute the ketchup with seared scallops because I am such a great chef!" For those of you who have never prepared seared scallops, let me tell you, pouring ketchup from a bottle is more difficult than searing a scallop.

The culinary schools that some of these chuckle heads graduated from must cringe when they mention their alma mater.

So now let me confess. Padma is a great reason to watch Top Chef but the best reason is to find out most Mom's can out cook these wizz kids any day of the week.

Joanna Krupa needs your help

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 13:45:00 +0000

Joanna Krupa was almost voted off Dancing with the Stars on Tuesday night. Her and her partner Derek Hough were in the bottom rung of dancers. Yes, it's true, we are fond of Olympic swimmer Natalie Coughlin but that doesn't mean we wouldn't like to see a Coughlin - Krupa finale.

Natalie Coughlin

In fact we think a final three of Joanna Krupa, Natalie Coughlin and Chelsie Hightower would be perfect. Yes we know Chelsie is not the "star" but we don't care. If she has to bring Louie Vito to the finals with her I guess it's a price that has to be paid.

Chelsie Hightower

Wednesday Night and I hurt

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 05:38:00 +0000

It's Wednesday night and I hurt. No not because I watched NBC - I know better! It's because I used muscles I haven't moved in years.

No not that one!

I am at odds with my yard and my yard is winning. I am trying to figure out a good way to landscape around my huge silver maple. Silver maples are nice big shady trees but they have a tendency to have roots above ground. This not only makes for a bumpy lawn but it doesn't do a thing for mower blades when you don't pay attention while cutting the grass.

So now I have gnarly, bumpy, giant maple roots to try to make pretty. It's a little like doing make up for Oprah.

I am certain I am going to mulch the area. I wanted to do a brick border around the mulch but it's virtually impossible with the roots the way they are. So now I am attempting to dig a retaining trench around the tree for the mulch.

Digging through and around roots is not fun. It's not so much the big gnarly Oprah roots, those I can easily see. It's the hundreds of little off shoot roots that makes it hard. Then you throw in a few Kentucky rocks and you get an easy yard project turned hard.

So here I am with muscles hurting while I should be basking in the light of a job well done.

Oh well there is always tomorrow.