Husband Thoughts

Paula Creamer

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 18:59:00 +0000

People ask me why I write about Paula Creamer. There are a couple of reasons. One, she is the best American female golfer. Second, she is the hottest female golfer in the world. Of course that is my opinion, but my opinion is all that matters when it comes to picking article content.

Usually women don't like the fact I write about her all American good looks but they are very hard to ignore. Especially when she is wearing a short golf skirt or the dress (right) she wore to the Espys.

Tiger Woods may be the most watched golfer in the world but Paula Creamer makes men want to grip their shaft and stroke a few.

Tiger Woods will miss the cut

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 18:48:00 +0000

Tiger Woods in minus 5 after two rounds and the cut line is at minus four with players still on the links. ABC might as well show cartoons instead of the British Open this weekend if Tiger is gone.

To make matters worse there coverage of NASCAR doesn't start until next week. So it is very likely ABC will spend a weekend with out Woods or Dale Earnhardt Jr.

I can hear wives all over America making their honey do lists knowing their husbands have nothing to watch on television. Hell even the LPGA is off this weekend - so no Paula Creamer!

Eury Jr. out as crew chief for slumping Earnhardt

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Thu, 28 May 2009 15:20:00 +0000

Dale Earnhardt Jr. will have a new crew chief starting with this weekend's race at Dover because of a slump that has dragged deep into the season.
Tony Eury Jr. was removed as crew chief of Earnhardt's No. 88 team Thursday. The two are cousins and have worked together during Earnhardt's entire career.

The Associated Press: Eury Jr. out as crew chief for slumping Earnhardt

Joan Rivers is a faceless troll

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Tue, 12 May 2009 13:49:00 +0000

Apparently during one of her many face lifts, Joan Rivers' brain fell out. Or maybe they have lifted pulled her skin so high her brains are now in her butt. Either way she deserves to be escorted off the worlds stage while I can still hold my lunch.

As you may have read she is Donald Trump's latest Celebrity Apprentice. Making it the first job in decades she wasn't fired from. This is good for me because it frees up next years Sunday nights. But it has bad for the world because some where some unsuspecting viewer will click on next years show and be subject to her nonsense.

She will be on there spewing ridiculous venom and outright lies. She will be hailed as "last years winner". Of course this will be news to the senile old bat.

I obviously didn't want her to win. Joan Rivers' has been dead to me since she tried to stab Johnny Carson in the back. Of course the King of Late Night pulled the out the knife and rammed it in her shriveled ass.

Putting aside my loyalties to Carson, Joan Rivers' shouldn't of won because she is didn't deserve it. She paled in comparison to not only to the runner up Annie Duke but also to most of the other contestants. Then when she called Annie Duke a poker player like it's a bad thing and spewed hatred about Vegas I had enough. I enjoy poker and I am a son of The Great State of Nevada so these things didn't make prune neck any more likable to me.

Then the last straw. Joan Rivers' said Annie Duke is "worse than Hitler". Now remember Rivers' claims her whole family was killed by the Nazis. So she equates a tough competitor with a guy who killed not only her family but about 6 million other Jews. Doesn't say much about what she thinks about her family or her heritage. Actually second thought - it says a whole bunch!

She obviously thinks throwing a few poker chips into a pot is worse than throwing a few million Jews into an oven.

But hasn't that always been plastic face's MO. Carson gives you hand up....then you bite it when you think he isn't looking. Say anything, do anything, as long as it benefits her.

She is a terrible human being and a waste of space.

So Joan do me a favor and exit public life while your eyes are still n the front of your face.

Stocks Surge Nasdaq now positive for 2009

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 22:37:00 +0000

Up for the year to date" is a phrase that nobody in the stock market had heard for a long time. Until Thursday.
U.S. stocks surged and the Nasdaq Composite burst into positive territory for 2009 as traders ignored signs of rising unemployment and positioned for a recovery, buying economically sensitive stocks such as Research In Motion, Best Buy and FedEx.
General Motors was the strongest stock on the Dow Jones Industrial Average as the U.S. government looked likely to give the auto giant another shot at a turnaround. GM surged 42 cents, or 14%, to 3.41.
Overall, the Dow rose 174.75 points, or 2.25%, to 7924.56, its highest close since Feb. 12, bringing its gains to 21% from the 12-year closing low on March 9. That eclipses the 19% gain between Nov. 20 and Jan. 2, and is the first time the Dow has entered a "technical bull market" - a gain of 20% or more since the current bear market began in October 2007.

Article - WSJ.com

Earnhardt Nation Website

Women of all shapes and sizes

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 03:24:00 +0000

I recently received a comment on an article I wrote about Serena Williams being out of shape. Someone (they didn't leave a name) commented the post and said, "While I agree that Serena does not look her best, you fail to recognize that women of varying ethnicities have different attributes (i.e. thick thighs and buttocks)."

I have to say; I disagree that women are shaped because of their ethnicity. I want to offer two pieces of evidence. You will find my evidence is above.

On the left is Halle Berry and on the right is Kelly Clarkson. I guess according to our commenter; Miss Clarkson has the same ethnic background as Serena Williams. I am guessing our commenter would tell us that's why she also has such good rhythm!

ABC News: House Sets up Vote Today on Taxing AIG Bonuses

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 12:22:00 +0000

The House is scheduled to vote today on a bill that would levy a 90 percent tax on bonuses paid to employees with family incomes above $250,000 at companies that have received at least $5 billion in government bailout money.
"We figured that the local and state governments would take care of the other 10 percent," said Rep. Charles Rangel of New York, chairman of the tax-writing House Ways and Means Committee.

ABC News: House Sets up Vote Today on Taxing AIG Bonuses

What's New Today - 'American Idol' Scandal: Final 4 Rigged? - Netscape What's New

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 18:28:00 +0000

SPOILER ALERT: The New York Daily News reports that the unnamed female staffer is telling anyone who will listen that the producers and judges have already picked the final four contestants long before the number of singers has been culled from the double digits. So who are they? She says they are Danny Gokey, Lil Rounds, Adam Lambert and Alexis Grace. When the New York Daily News asked the "AI" employee if these four were just her opinion or actual fact, she retorted with great force, "Those ARE the people," adding it wasn't mere speculation.

What's New Today - 'American Idol' Scandal: Final 4 Rigged? - Netscape What's New

AIG chairman expected to defend bonuses in D.C. today - Boston.com

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 14:04:00 +0000

AIG chairman expected to defend bonuses in D.C. today - Boston.com: "It's looking like it's going to be a tough day on Capitol Hill for AIG Chairman and CEO Edward Liddy. Liddy took over the insurance giant last fall at the request of the government. Now he's going to have to defend more than $200 million in bonuses paid to employees, despite AIG needing a $170 billion federal bailout."

Conn. AG doubts AIG bonuses required by state law | Reuters

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 21:43:00 +0000

"AIG is shamelessly shielding itself behind the Connecticut Wage Act, a joke of a justification for squandering scarce taxpayer resources," Attorney General Richard Blumenthal said in a statement on Tuesday. "We should use any and every well-founded legal weapon to recapture these baseless bonuses."

Conn. AG doubts AIG bonuses required by state law Reuters

Cuomo Offers Some Details on A.I.G. Bonuses - NYTimes.com

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 17:59:00 +0000

“A.I.G. made more than 73 millionaires in the unit which lost so much money that it brought the firm to its knees forcing a taxpayer bailout,” Mr. Cuomo wrote in the letter. “Something is deeply wrong with this outcome.”
Mr. Cuomo did not name the bonus recipients, but the numbers are eye-popping, given A.I.G.’s fragile state. The highest bonus was $6.4 million, and six other employees received more than $4 million, according to Mr. Cuomo. Another 15 people received bonuses of more than $2 million, and another 51 people received bonuses between $1 million and $2 million, Mr. Cuomo said. Eleven of those who received “retention” bonuses of $1 million or more are no longer working at A.I.G., including one who received $4.6 million, he said.
A.I.G., which is now 80 percent owned by the government, paid out the so-called retention payments, saying the bonuses were needed to persuade workers to stick around in its financial products unit to stick around. But the payouts have caused a public furor, and the White House said on Monday that the Treasury would write new requirements about the bonus money in the next $30 billion that it provides to the insurance giant. Already, the government has given A.I.G. $170 billion.

Cuomo Offers Some Details on A.I.G. Bonuses - NYTimes.com

U.S. bank stocks soar on optimism but retreat on Amex | Reuters

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 23:09:00 +0000

U.S. bank stocks, which had their best week on record last week, powered higher amid optimism they can soon return to profitability, only to give back their gains after American Express Co (AXP.N) said more credit card customers are missing payments.
The KBW Bank Index .BKX of large lenders, which rose 37.4 percent last week, gave back all of their early 8.1 percent gain, and finished down 0.2 percent.
American Express said its "net write-off" rate rose to 8.7 percent as of the end of February from 8.3 percent a month earlier, while its percentage of loans at least 30 days past due rose to 5.3 percent from 5.1 percent.

U.S. bank stocks soar on optimism but retreat on Amex Reuters

Pandit Gets Pay Package Valued at $38.2 Million - DealBook Blog - NYTimes.com

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 23:08:00 +0000

Citigroup handed Vikram S. Pandit a compensation package valued at more than $38.2 million in 2008, even as the bank posted five consecutive quarters of multibillion-dollar losses and turned to the government three times for help.

Pandit Gets Pay Package Valued at $38.2 Million - DealBook Blog - NYTimes.com

Acid reflux and getting old - no thanks!

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 18:16:00 +0000

Where have I been lately?

I have been asked this question several times over the last weeks. I can now tell you. If it is daytime, I have been asleep and if it is night time, I have been awake.

Pretty simple really. Unfortunately the pattern is not by choice. The new sleep routine is being dictated by the fact I will be 49 in two weeks and my body is telling me to stop treating it like a garbage disposal.

STOP EATING THE THINGS YOU LOVE!!!

I hear my stomach scream these very words every night as I lay awake with a burning sensation on my throat. At first it was discomfort - now it is agony. If you have never suffered from acid reflux you have no idea how much it can hurt. I would rank it slightly ahead of the time I had three teeth pulled, including a wisdom tooth, on the same day.

But that is not the big problem. The big problem is trying to fall asleep knowing at some point in the night you will awake with unbearable pain. To give you an idea - try falling asleep in the waiting room when you are going to have an organ removed with no sedative. Then you will understand!

It is the fear of the pain that causes me to lose the most sleep. The pain lasts an hour, sometimes a little more. The fear never goes away. The only time I sleep is when I nod off from exhaustion. Then I literally dream of having acid reflux. Of course by dream, I mean nightmares. Fun time!

But there is help. I can change my eating habits to alleviate the pain. That shouldn't be hard. I have only been eating this way for a little over 48 years.

I even have a list of things I shouldn't eat.

Meats. Ground beef, marbled sirloin, chicken nugget-style, and chicken/buffalo wings.

Fats, Oils & Sweets. Chocolate, regular corn and potato chips, high-fat butter cookies, brownies, doughnuts, creamy and oily salad dressings, fried or fatty food in general.

Fruits, Vegetables & Juice. Orange juice, lemon, lemonade, grapefruit juice, cranberry juice, tomato, mashed potatoes, French fries, raw onion, potato salad.

Other Beverages. Liquor, wine, coffee, and tea.

Grains. Macaroni and cheese, spaghetti with marinara sauce.

Dairy. Sour cream, milk shake, ice cream, regular cottage cheese.

I am supposed to give up buffalo wings and coffee? That is not good news.

I look at this list and a thought pops to mind; at least my revolver is not on the list!

So next time I am up with a burning sensation in my throat so horrible i would rather have my kidney removed without even an aspirin, I will know what snack will sooth my throat.

A Winchester .32-20.

Rumored Apple Device Probably Won't Be a Netbook - Business Center - PC World

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 15:24:00 +0000

There has been much speculation about a supposed new Apple netbook computer, and the rumors have once again re-emerged. Forgive me for pointing out the obvious, but the current MacBook Air would seem to fit most definitions of netbook, except for one. Why does Apple need another?
Apple may be--probably is--working on something, but it probably won't be a real netbook anymore than my iPhone is a full-fledged computer.
Consider:

Rumored Apple Device Probably Won't Be a Netbook - Business Center - PC World

Paula Creamer

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 11:45:00 +0000

Paula Creamer picked up where she left off last year - this weekend. Playing great golf and looking good playing it.

Her traditional pink shirt with white shorts yesterday was a better sign Spring is close than any robin or bloom I have seen.

Celebrity Apprentice

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 11:39:00 +0000

Celebrity Apprentice featured a contest where each team had to design a super hero comic figure for zappos.com. The women's team decided to dress Natalie Gulbis up as a super hero in a short shirt, tall boots and form fitting super outfit.

Great choice!

Anytime there is an excuse to put Natalie Gulbis into a short skirt I like the idea!

FYI- Scott hamilton was fired.

Woman Calls 911 After McDonald's Runs Out Of Nuggets - News- msnbc.com

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 06:12:00 +0000

FORT PIERCE, Fla. - A Fort Pierce woman called 911 three times to report an emergency after McDonald's had run out of McNuggets, according to a police report obtained Tuesday.
Latreasa Goodman, 27, was issued a written notice to appear in court for misusing the 911 emergency communications system.
According to the report, Goodman called 911 three times Saturday to report that a McDonald's employee wasn't giving her a refund for the chicken nuggets she wanted.

Woman Calls 911 After McDonald's Runs Out Of Nuggets - News- msnbc.com

Rescue plan

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 17:47:00 +0000

How do I get some of the government money that all the big corporations are getting? I don't need much. A million or two would do the trick. I don't need to pay corporate bonuses or buy private jets. I just need to pay my water bill.

Normally my water bill is not a problem but last weekend the toilet over flowed for two hours while we slept. I am guessing it will make this month's bill a little high.

The good news is - we now have a swimming pool where the basement used to be!

Earnhardt tickled with top-10, looks to put gaffes in rearview - USATODAY.com

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 12:21:00 +0000

I felt like our car was definitely a top-10 car, maybe a top-five car at times in the race," said Earnhardt, who started 31st in the No. 88 Chevrolet. "I sped on pit road, came in a little hot there trying too hard. And then the flat tire caution from (Hendrick Motorsports teammate Jeff Gordon) caught us on pit road.
"But we were just steady, steady, steady, ran smart and tried to stay out of trouble. A lot of guys made mistakes, which was kind of surprising, but we were able to capitalize. We beat some good cars which were damaged or off the pace."

Earnhardt tickled with top-10, looks to put gaffes in rearview - USATODAY.com

My brother Joel sent this to me...yes great taste runs in the family

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 20:28:00 +0000

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts. They are things people ACTUALLY said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Enjoy!

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and

Reeboks.

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes..

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,

he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WI TNESS: Are you shittin' me?

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh..... I was gettin' laid.

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you for real? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.

Can I get a new attorney?

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

deposition

notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh.....are you qualified to ask that question?

_________________________________________________________

And the best for last: DRUM ROLL PLEASE! . . . .

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Screenplay Update

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 14:43:00 +0000

We are still writing a screenplay. If you would like to buy advanced tickets to the first showing, we take all major credit cards. I am also willing to sign autographs for a price. My writing partner I am sure would also sell you an autograph but her's are probably more expensive because you can actually read her writing.

Monday

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 14:40:00 +0000

Last night I watched Celebrity Apprentice. It wasn't too bad. Trump fired has been Andrew Dice Clay. Which surprised me. Not because he was fired but because he was both still alive and someone still considered him a celebrity.

Annie Duke was edited to be the bad girl on the women's team. She was over bearing and condescending but who wouldn't be with plastic faced Joan and Mellisa Rivers?

Brandi, a Playmate of the Year came through for us with low cut blouses and guest appearances from her Bunny friends. Claudia from Deal or No Deal looked good. Golfer Natalie Gulbis looked great but was dressed a little conservative for our taste. Hey Natalie it's not sports.....in entertainment it's Skin to Win!

I also watched Amazing Race it was not amazing.

The NASCAR race ended with a Shrub leading. Dale Jr was 10th and that's all that matters.

The Celtics lost to Detroit....KG and two other players are hurt so it wasn't a surprise.

Flu is no fun

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 15:29:00 +0000

The weather changing every hour on the hour and a persistent flu has made me miserable for weeks. You say, what makes that different than any other Monday? The cough makes it different.

My sports weekend was okay. Dale Jr lost but the Celtics were on TV and they beat up on the Suns even without Kevin Garnett. I didn't see any women's tennis or golf but I read Trump's new Celebrity Apprentice will have Natalie Gulbis.

Natalie in a business suit should be a good look. Maybe not like her in a swim suit or golf skirt but I think it will be worth watching. There are a couple other women on there that will be fun to see. One is Playboy Playmate Brande Roderick and another is one of Howie Mandel's girls on Deal or No Deal - Claudia Jordan. She holds the number one on Howie's show and used to be a Barker Beauty.

You have to hand it to Trump he knows what gets people to watch.

Blogging is not as easy as it looks.

clubhusband@clubhusband.com (J Pat) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 17:28:00 +0000

Blogging is not as easy as it looks. In all reality it is much easier than it looks. All there is to it is grabbing a keyboard and tapping away.

When I first began blogging it wasn't popularly called blogging yet. So I learned to blog like caveman learned to cook food. By mistake. I would try to write something funny and on the days I couldn't I would just write random thoughts. Mostly about the avoidance of work.

The part I never foresaw was; by writing about the avoidance of work I created work. I became a blogger. From a blogger I have become a magazine contributor (you can find my latest article on finditquick.com or in their print magazine). The latest work I have created is script writing.

Yes it is true, I am writing a screenplay. A friend has a great idea for a movie and she thought, after reading my nonsense, and drinking a few tequilas that I could write dialogue. It turns out she was right!

Her good idea is quickly becoming a hilarious movie about..................you actually thought I was going to tell you? I will when it is finished and the script is safely registered with the Writer's Guild. Until then I can say it will be the perhaps the funniest movie ever written.

If not - at least it will make my dream come true.

Less work!