Clueless. But Learning.

Life's Little Pick Me Up

2012-01-19T03:20:00.000-05:00

Needing a good laugh and inspired by a friend's chat of her young one's progress and how he isn't quite to the laughing yet phase, I found this video on Youtube.

It was the perfect two and a half minutes I needed.

Team ME!!

2012-01-06T02:11:00.001-05:00

You all rock!!

Thank you all for the support over the last few days. And honestly, over the last few years. My friends and family are amazing in their belief in me and this dream that I have. But I really wanted to say thanks to all of you for bridging the gap the last few days with all the thoughts and prayers! To my brother, for the last few intense months. He's been a virtual rock, a text-by-phone cheerleader even at 2am, and someone who has never stopped believing in me. He always tells me I'm one of the smartest people he knows. To my extended 'family' who all think I'm a genius, even though I'm not, I love you all.

Kelly-thank you for cutting your break short and coming home to quiz me. I can't repay that.
Matt, who will likely never see this, risked me having a meltdown in public. Yeah, we're nerds and went shopping while he quizzed me on cardio. Then he decided to show me what an essay test felt like. Thanks a lot, dude.

After all of the stress revealed in my last post, was there a good outcome? I'd like to say so but the exam was pretty much on key with what I felt after it was over. I was told one professor would be grading the essay-another professor actually wound up looking at it. When something is graded subjectively, it's all in the mind of the reader. And if the person you expect to be grading the material has spent hours over the course of a semester with you, they're likely to understand your responses and know where you're going. The person who wound up grading the essays was just...harsh. At least that's what I'm going with based on comments from yesterday. That super awesome feeling I had over doing well on the essays? It was reduced to a sucker punch to the gut when I talked to the faculty who graded it. Instead of a reverse compliment, I got a reverse insult. This came from someone I've always admired, even when other students were critical. This week, I got a glimmer of why other students feel that way.

But you know what? At least the agony of the last few weeks is over. I feel as though I can say I put my everything into that exam. It didn't exactly go the way I'd hoped from the beginning but, overall, it didn't go the way I totally dreaded either. The most important thing? I'm still in med school and still headed down the road to be a physician.

Yesterday felt like I kept receiving reaffirmation that this is where I'm supposed to be. I will continue to work as hard as I have to in order to achieve the DO degree and achieve what I feel I've been led to do. The decision for me to be here wasn't made lightly or by myself. So I'm going to continue to stand on the dream that got this all started with the belief that everything is happening for a reason. Why? because it's a faith thing.

Not on the Mountain Top

2012-01-03T02:07:00.001-05:00

Wow! I've been through some problematic stuff before but this is just craziness. How is it that I used to be so good at getting any freak outs over and done and moving on and now I can't? Tests seem to throw me for a loop. It's a flippin' test. That last statement was the rational statement, the one I keep telling myself and the one I know in my head but it's somehow getting lost in translation.

Do you ever go through something and you just feel like you're losing your mind? Or no one really understands what's going on? That's where I am. Oddly enough, one of the only posts I wrote in the fall of 2011 dealt with these same issues that haven't gotten better. I would say they calmed down and then showed up with all their friends and threw a huge party!

The above post referenced the severe symptoms I get surrounding my exams. Nausea and anxiety are the ones that show up earliest. Sometimes 2-3 days before exams. It's sometimes difficult to focus when it gets bad. On the day of the exam, there's nausea and stress beyond the 'ohmygosh, I have an exam' stress. It's more like 'I have a test, I'm going to die'. My ability to concentrate my breathing during the exam is pretty much nil.

Take today for example. I had a make-up exam that I had been told would be awful. Professors directing the course had even told me the exam would be intense. Sweet! So cue the plan! I stayed home over Christmas break to study. Lined up multiple people to school me on the various aspects of this course I was somehow misunderstanding. My roommate came home early to review with me, over and over. A friend who is an upperclassmen spent an evening before Christmas break reviewing with me. Then hammered me with essay questions yesterday. We won't talk about the study sessions that didn't work out. They're bygones.

One of the solutions for test anxiety is to focus your breathing and take deep breaths. I do try and do that during exams and sometimes it helps me a little. Today, I tried and then kept freaking myself out because the questions were sooo long and I was running out of time. There was no time to recenter and deep breathe!

The next part of the freak-out involved me practically running out of the lecture hall to the bathroom, bawling my eyes out for about 2.5 minutes because I realized I didn't have time to get through the exam with the number of questions I still had to answer plus whatever questions I needed to go back to, having skipped due to the difficulty. Why didn't I stay in the exam for those 2.5 minutes you might ask? I was going to cry. There was no getting around it. So I needed to do it where I could sob it out and get back in there.

If you remember, I mentioned there was an essay component? I'm fairly certain I hit a homerun. Or at least a triple with it. It was straight and to the point, addressing all the points raised in the question. I'm pretty confident about it.

When all was said and done and I walked out of the exam, in tears, one of my favorite professors hugged me and told me, "Let it go." He said there was nothing I could do about it at the moment and getting worked up was definitely not going to do any good. He was right. And I calmed down for 30 minutes or so. Until the phone calls started coming in, friends checking in to see how things went.

You would think I was a totally crazy person with the number of tears I've shed the last few weeks. It's been a veritable fountain, if you want an idea. Any mention of test or failing or being ready for the exam and I'm off. Oh, or if you ask me why it stresses me out. That sets me off too. The idea that staying here or having to continue at another school is frightening. Failing out is a foreign concept. Not failing. I've failed before. Just knowing that this is what I'm meant to do, being a smidge closer to the next stage of things and wondering how long it's going to take to finish.

That this test anxiety thing has been going on for two years and I've made it known. To multiple faculty/physicians at the school (physicians were either course directors or I saw them at the clinic, faculty were course directors). They sent me for ADHD testing. Which, I guess on the surface, when I say I have problems staying focused when I study, that makes sense. But I am about the least ADHD person I know. So up until about 7 weeks ago, no one identified test anxiety. At this point, it's a tentative diagnosis as it has to actually be diagnosed by a psychologist. And the only one in this area that accepts our school insurance is booked until March. The problem with having the general diagnosis and how the school is handling it, besides that they can't exactly go back and let it serve as remedy for prior exams, is that the school hasn't used any consistency with a test environment since this all started.

You need a private room? Sure but there's going to be some kind of meet and greet right outside.
You need a private room? Sure. We'll just send someone in once an hour to ask you how you're doing, make sure things are okay.

You need a private room? Sure. Oh wait. How about a lecture hall? Awesome.

In spite of all of this, I trust the reason I'm here. To be a doctor. I'm not a super-religiousy person. You won't find me preaching at you all day. But I do firmly believe the things that guide me. Being a doctor was a dream from the time I was much younger. I set it aside, choosing another path, but the dream came back. With a lot of devotion and prayer and such, it's my dream that is in progress. How long it will take? I don't know. But I trust that God is working somehow. From where I am right now, I can't go back and change anything about today's exam. I also can't really see whatever lessons I"m supposed to be learning. I can only hope I'm not too stubborn to learn them!

I was reminded today by a friend that I'm not on the mountain top. This whole med school process is like a long climb up a mountain by way of a cliff face, falling off the cliff, hanging on by two fingers, being bloodied and battered and continuing the climb.

He's right.

Each successive system we complete is a tiny victory on the way to the summit but it's in no way the victorious element.

So for today, I'm hanging by two fingers off the edge of the cliff and trusting God and his plan.

Welcome to the world, Baby Viktor!!

2011-11-20T23:19:00.001-05:00

Congrats to Megan and her Mister on their new bundle

After shutting down all form of social media a few weeks ago, I've felt disconnected from friends. Never more so than when I realized that one of them was getting close to a possible delivery and I no longer had a way of keeping in touch. Well, never fear!! There is ALWAYS a grapevine!

How did I find out the good news? Words with Friends. Yes. That joyous medium of scrabbletastic wonder was my herald of Viktor's arrival and Megan's good health. What a relief!!

So for Megan. Congratulations on getting to your big day, with all the hurdles you had to cross along the way. From what I hear, your life will never be the same. But I know you wouldn't have it any other way.

Just Gotta have Faith

2011-09-03T01:25:00.000-04:00

That's my mantra these days. As well as 'must study more!'. I'm not dumb by any stretch of the imagination but school makes me feel that way. A lot. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not a genius either.)

Way back when I started the blog, I may have referenced the ongoing struggle with school. It's really nonstop. That hasn't changed with the new school year. Exam weekends, which are now every two weeks, leave me nauseous and 0.02 seconds from throwing everything up for 3 days straight because I don't think I'll ever understand everything the way my professors test on it. I feel like the guy in The Blind Side. I know the material and can have a conversation with you on it but there is this one professor...I just don't get what he's asking with his questions. And sadly, his questions are a very large part of each exam.

The conclusion I reached tonight is that I just need a little faith. Maybe somewhere along the way I lost what bit I had. Medical school was a dream for a long time, one that I put aside for awhile, for assorted reasons. Coming back to it and pursuing it wasn't a light undertaking. Many prayers went up and challenges put out to see if this was in God's big plan for me.

Which is why I struggle so much at the idea that I'm struggling so much. Make sense? I don't expect a diploma on a gold platter. Not at all. But the idea that with a single wrong answer, my medical career is over before it ever really started and I'll have several hundred thousand in debt...well, that's just mind-numbing. Is it possible that the God that I trusted to help me with the decision about medical school changed his mind about me being here? sure. But that's beyond my understanding of everything I know about him so I keep trusting that he didn't. Because I"m not really sure where that would leave me if that happened. But every time I trust that he would not do that, something seems to happen that tells me maybe he did.

You guys are all essentially my confessional tonight because crying over my toothbrush got a little soggy. So, if you pray, keep medical students everywhere in your prayers, many would probably appreciate it. And if you say a prayer for me, I would definitely appreciate it.

All By Myself

2011-07-18T16:03:00.000-04:00

Sorry for my prolonged absence! Internet access is limited to mostly my phone or while I'm grabbing a coffee or something so I haven't posted in ages. Hopefully, there are are a few of you still out there reading my blog!

Back to today's title-Have you heard that song? Have you ever felt that way? I do. More often than not. Sad isn't it? And lonely. And boring. It's so frustrating to want to do something or go somewhere or hang out and realize, there's no one to call. Or you do call or text or message and it takes days to hear back and there's always a reason.

*sigh*

It just doesn't really make sense that everyone always wants you to make them a priority but can't show a moderate amount of ability to do the same? I don't need to be at the top of anyone's list but I don't want to be at the bottom either.

Is it possible it's my fault? When people have other things going on or can't meet, it doesn't tend to affect me. I make other plans and move on. That's really not what this is about. But don't make me feel guilty because of your lack of response or your social agenda that has you making excuses.

Living as a student means living on a very fixed budget. Our cost of living allowance hasn't increased in the last several years, in spite of the cost of living in this area increasing significantly. Don't even get me started on the local residents ripping off the med students. All of that means that I get less money to 'play' with which means going and seeing friends/family less often. It means that if I can't make plans with enough people, I won't go home. It's too much money to do it too often.

Think about it-traveling away from home isn't just the gas to get there. You aren't in the comfort of home with groceries and your normal entertainment options. So that's extra money that's spent. Always. I can spend more in 2-3 days going home that I spend in 3 weeks at home.

So with all the whining from others, what makes me continue to feel awful is being made to feel guilty if I have to skip seeing someone, or can't make it home. I've made a promise to myself that I probably won't go home but twice this coming school year. Not out of revenge. But so I can focus on studying. It's going to be an intense year. If it means I'll be more alone at the end of the year, so be it. I'll have more money in my bank account because of it. I hope.

I realize this was a very whiny post for you to read on my first day back. For that, I'm sorry. I do want to know if you all have felt this way or feel this way. How do you deal with it?

The next post will have pics from my summer adventure. It was...interesting.

Call me Crazy!!

2011-04-25T01:57:00.000-04:00

Life has a way of realigning your priorities and reminding you to stop putting off the living.

This summer is technically the last time I'll have a true summer vacation without having to take vacation time from a j-o-b. After giving notice in my current apartment, I was at a loss for what to do and where to move. The landlord is going up on rent and staying here wasn't an option when I could find something cheaper that's the same quality or better. Knowing I didn't want to be in the current town, I started looked for places in surrounding towns, feeling the stress of having to find a place to go in 30 days.

Then...I had an epiphany.

I didn't have to move into any place when I moved out. I could store my stuff and go on an adventure for a few weeks.

Do you have a list of things you want to do but have never had a chance to? Some of my 'to do' list that would be easy to do with the funds available included see the Florida Keys, go camping for an extended period of time, hike the Appalachian Trail, visit D.C, NYC, and Norfolk VA. I want to go white water rafting again, find a place to zipline, and jump out of an airplane. Learning to kayak is on my 'to do' list too.

So when I realized I could road trip on the East Coast for the duration of the summer, the next step was figuring out a rough itinerary. The only real deadline was that I needed to be back in time to get moved in before school started in August.

Seeing D.C, NYC, and the Keys was kind of my guide, a way to plot the trip, but that wasn't going to take the entire summer. So I looked at the AT to figure out how long it would take me to hike a single section, starting in GA and going to VA. Based on the research, I now have an idea based on low-key hiking and have given myself an extra week to finish. I don't want to race through the trail and not get to see any of the sights.

I've been telling everyone about this. Sharing my plan is part of my agenda to create some accountability. I feel like if I didn't tell anyone, it would be easier to flake out and do nothing all summer. Where's the fun in that?!

One night recently, I was sharing my plan with my neighbor and friends when one of her guests piped up that I should look into couchsurfing. It would offer an alternative to camping every night and having to occasionally seek out hostels/motels along the way. And from the way his face lit up when he talked of it, it would a memorable experience. Which pretty much instantly won me over.

The evening went in another direction so I didn't get as much story-time as I would have liked but signed up for an account on www.couchsurfing.org. I'm looking forward to meeting new people. I won't 'surf the entire trip. Probably for parts of the Florida trip and after I leave the AT. There should be some fantastic stories, once I get back.

The idea that I'll flake out is potentially there, at least for the hiking part. It's something that I've recognized and am facing full on with the attitude that what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. And flaking out isn't really an option. The trip is almost 300 miles of trail hiking, not including the side trips into town for resupply. If you know me, you know I'm not in top-notch shape. But I don't want to wait to get to a top physical condition before starting the AT. That's just another excuse. And people have started this in way worse shape than me. And finished the entire trail.

So...yeah.

I'll be doing this.

Is there something you keep telling yourself that you'll do 'later'? I'd love to hear from you.

Finding Beauty in Ordinary Things

2011-04-03T07:45:00.000-04:00

Faces tell stories more eloquently than you or I could ever hope to do with our words. The lines added by age and stress and living can speak volumes without a sound being uttered, leaving you to weave a life story befitting such a face.

courtesy: R. Cromley

courtesy: H. Barbato

Pictures do the same thing. Tell stories, I mean. You know how capturing just the right moment on film can take you back to a moment, over and over again? It lets people who never witnessed what you did feel as though they were there. So it is that I'll tell you a story, not so much through words, but through pictures. The permission of all photographers for use of their pictures was given prior to this blog post. I can only hope my words do their pictures justice.

courtesy: B.Rogers

What's the story? It's about what was, on the surface, a straight-forward medical mission, to Haiti and the Dominican Republic, led by a Christian student organization from my school. Underneath that is another story, one that tells of patience, selflessness and of finding beauty in the smallest things. The rest of the story will be whatever you make it. Let the pictures speak to you so you can take a little piece of Haiti and the Dominican Republic with you.

Are we there yet?
courtesy: R. Cromley

The first lesson in patience came very early in the trip. The trip coordinators had the option of flying us into Haiti and driving 45 minutes to the mission hospital or flying us into Santo Domingo, DR and driving 6(ish) hours to the mission hospital. Due to instability at the Haiti/Dominican border and the lack of guarantee that we could safely cross the border, the longer route was chosen. Let me tell you, there is nothing quite like riding and flying and riding for hours to make you conscious of every part of your body! I'm sure at one point, I could have counted the fuzz on my teeth. When this happened again at the end of the end of the week, on our return home, I raced home with hardly a goodbye to anyone, anxious for a hot shower and running water. The simplest of things yet such a luxury!

The patience lessons definitely didn't end on the bus ride Sunday. It got doled out on a daily basis, with our hours-long rides to the batays, the villages where we treated each day. But for every ride that we took to get to these places, the villagers stood in line for hours just to be seen by us. At least we got to sit and ride to where we were going, feeling the breeze the whole way. And we got to see some gorgeous sites along the way. They stood, in the heat. Waiting to be seen by the American doctors. That's real patience!

Batay 40, courtesy: R. Cromley

Batay 41, courtesy: H. Barbato

The two batays pictured above were situated at the water's edge, with the stick homes right on the shore. The scene is so surreal, that these are people's homes just inches away from water. The population of patients on the island was so different from what we see in the States. Some were dirty and many were wearing very bare clothing, with the children wearing little or no clothing. Yet they were so very happy. Others were well-kempt with thread-bare clothing, letting you know you were in a better off village. But they still don't have much access to healthcare.

That was a very stark lesson that I think we all took away from the trip. The one about how blessed and spoiled we are in the States to have the luxuries we have. That even the poorest child here is rich compared to what people in Haiti have. And yet, the children of Haiti and the DR are so much happier than the kids here are. It's never easy to hear someone say that one child deserves a toy while another deserves to have nothing but I have a feeling it'll make me incredibly ill if I ever hear it again.

Leaving the batays was sometimes a little unpredictable. There are hierarchal rules that we aren't used to in the States. Community elders, even when it appears there aren't elders, are deferred to in matters of gifts or money. While we weren't handing out money, we did try to bring little gifts to the community. On this day though, at least one of the gentlemen wanted to be paid for helping translate for us. He also wanted the soccer balls that were intended for the children. About five seconds after this picture, a couple of these guys may have exchanged blows. Over the soccer balls.

courtesy: B. Rogers

But the tension of watching grown men act crazy (not in a good way) was instantly negated by one of the most beautiful sunsets ever seen.

courtesy: B. Rogers

At the end of one really long clinic day, some of the team played with the kids in the neighborhood. The absolute joy these kids have for life is evident. It's incredible! They would gather round and play with or, if you were at all inclined, climb on you. As long as cameras were flashing, these kids had no problem hamming it up for everyone. Take a look and tell me they aren't beautiful!

courtesy: R. Cromley

courtesy: B. Rogers

courtesy: R. Cromley

"Esperanza means hope." -Dr. Clint Doiron. A cardiologist with a vision for Haiti and one of the men responsible for the mission hospital where we stayed. This picture was taken while he spent time with one of the little girls from the orphanage. Her name was Esperanza. And him saying that, the translation of her name, was kind of a reminder of why we were doing what we were doing. It's all about hope.

Add caption

Selflessness. It's the kind of giving I saw, over and over again on this trip. The doctors and doctors' wives who gave their time and energy to so many patients and to a group of medical students are the ones who I think deserve recognition. Then there are the ones who would get off a bus to go minister with food and prayer and hugs to a young handicapped man. Who else is selfless? It's the medical student who took off her shoes and gave them to this young man because he needs them more than she does and she can always buy another pair. To paraphrase her words.

The purpose of the trip was to show compassion as Christ might have and I can only hope we did that in some small way. Whether you believe in God or not, I hope you can still believe in a mission whose focus is to help those with nothing.

courtesy: B. Rogers

For all those who helped me fund my trip, thank you so much. It's my hope that you feel it was put to good use.

If you ever have the chance to participate in a mission trip or community endeavor, do it. Even something like helping out with neighborhood rebuilding projects or assisting older people with home repairs can be incredibly rewarding. Not everyone is meant to go off to other countries. Do what you can. Don't ever say you'll do it some other time if you have the ability to do it today. You never know what an hour or two of your time can mean to someone.

To the lovely photogs who let me use their pictures-thank you!

Laughing 'til I Cried

2011-03-02T01:46:00.000-05:00

It happens. Sometimes weeks or months will go by without me laughing so hard. Today it's happened twice.

First was scrolling through that autocorrect site. It's hilarious. And usually leaves me breathless. One of the posts today almost made me pee my pants.

And just now, because of a crazy, excited cheerleader at the University of Memphis, I have tears streaming down my face. I think I've watched this video at least six times. Probably ten.

Enjoy. I hope you laugh as much as I have.

Processing

2011-02-10T00:55:00.000-05:00

Processing what, you may ask? Relationships. Yeah. it's all about that again. Lately, it seems to be a daily occurrence from all sides. Friends are ending relationships, having relationships ending, starting new relationships and having crazy uncertainties or wanting a relationship that can't/won't happen because one party won't take a chance. You get the picture. Just when it seems to be over, everything starts again. And for some reason I'm the golden girl for advice.

Or something?

Here's the thing. I'll give you my advice if you ask for it, and sometimes if you don't, if we're that good of friends. I'm usually not going to coddle you. At all. I don't expect anyone to do that to me. When I ask advice, I want it straight and to the point and don't want you stroking my ego telling me what I want to hear. Usually, I want to know what I'm missing and why I can't see the forest for the trees, to use a tired cliche.

So I take the same approach with friends. Some appreciate it. Some don't. Most all return for a second helping, as needed, for later issues.

Lately, probably due to the 'loss' of a recent favorite on my list of people to do, I've been wondering if my advice is awful and if I'm in fact just incredibly frigid. Yes, I mean all that term imparts. Blame it on the boy. Nothing like a helping of rejection to make you doubt the basics.

So here I am, after an incredibly long day of studying and testing, needing to sleep and wondering about my talents, if you want to call them that. Should I even be giving advice? I'm not qualified. WHY do my friends keep seeking me out for it? Maybe I'm giving really bad advice. After all, I admittedly have a horrible track record with real relationships, which is why I prefer to keep things untangled and all that jazz.

What if I'm passing my horrible relationship stuff on to them and we just don't realize it!?!

So I'll ask you, all 10 or so readers. What do you expect when you turn to your friends for advice?

In the event this post makes absolutely NO sense at all, blame it on the melatonin I took to try to get me to sleep.

Giving Up Wee Bits of Me on a Wednesday

2011-02-09T12:03:00.000-05:00

{one} ice: crushed or cubed?
I'm actually not a fan of ice at all.

{two} what is your worst traffic pet peeve?
People who drive slower than the posted speed limit.

{three} what room in your house best represents your personality?
My kitchen and living room. I think both let you know you can come in and have a seat for awhile. If I'm cooking, you're welcome to whatever is on the stove or in the oven.

{four} do you save old birthday cards?
Sometimes.

{five} when was the last time you went on a picnic?
It's been years!

{six} do you regularly check your horoscope?
Nope.

{seven} when you’re home, what do you wear on your feet?
Nothing. Bare feet, for the win!!

my tootsies!

{eight} what’s your favorite gambling game?
Slot machines. I can spend HOURS on them.

{nine} have you ever written (or started writing) a book?
No. I do write little stories sometimes though. It's a good stress relief.

{ten} what is your favorite musical?

Phantom of the Opera. The music and story move me in ways I can't describe. I found out there's talk of a pending 'sequel' to it. I can't wait! Yes, I know the picture is from the movie but I loved the movie too.

Some of my Tamer Skills and Wee Bits

2011-02-02T22:29:00.000-05:00

It's that time again. Wee Bit Wednesday! All the crazy little things you never thought to know about me.

Head over to Leigh Ashley's page and grab the button to play along!

{one} what was your favorite sitcom growing up?
I always loved watching The Cosby Show, although it's not one I got to see a bunch while growing up. We didn't have a TV for most of my childhood.

{two} what song always makes you happy when you hear it?
Well, there are a few at the moment.

It's one of those songs that takes me to a peaceful place and makes me know everything will be okay.

This song is good for an instant dance part to get going, doesn't usually matter where I am.

Michael Buble's "Haven't Met You Yet" is a fun song that makes me smile.

{three} do you still have your wisdom teeth?
Nope. They were all removed when I was 20-21.

{four} what is your go to way to relax?
Besides mattress olympics, I'll go with wine, the internet, and a good friend to chat with or a brainless TV show or movie.

{five} do you play any instruments?
I've played the piano and flute although my skills are very very rusty!

{six} nude beaches: yes or no?
Maybe at some point down the road, sure.

{seven} do you chew your pens/pencils?
Not usually.

{eight} can you change the oil in your car?
Nope.

{nine} can you curl your tongue?
Yep.

{ten} can you knit or crochet?
I have basic crocheting skills that I learned from my great-grandmother. Would I be able to do anything with them right now? It's doubtful.

Spicy Stuffed Squid. A Flavor Burst!!!

2011-01-29T20:13:00.000-05:00

The recipe for Spicy Stuffed Squid comes from Allrecipes.com.

If you've never checked out the website, do it. Say you have a handful of ingredients that you KNOW would make a fantastic dish but you aren't feeling inspired. You can put the ingredients in the little reverse search engine and it will find recipes for you. That's how I stumbled on this gem.

Let me tell you, I made several changes to the recipe. Isn't that what they're for?

Brown rice was subbed for the white rice. It calls for raisins, I used Craisins. Where it called for pine nuts, finely chopped almonds found their way into my dish. Two cans stewed tomatoes turned into 1 can stewed tomatoes and 1 can Rotel. I think it was the one with chipotle? Anchovy paste was left out of my dish. Ground red pepper was used instead of red pepper flakes.

The incredibly delicious final product

The stuffing is the most time consuming part. I tried, as much as possible, to not cut into the squid. But some of the openings were just too small to get the mixture into so cutting was necessary.

After stuffing, you definitely want to seal the ends, as the recipe calls for otherwise you have a hot mess when you take the dish out of the oven. The first time I made these I didn't have toothpicks and thought I'd just go with it. Yeah, that wasn't my smartest cooking decision. I wound up with rice on top of busted open squid. Even with the toothpicks this time, I had a few that split open.

After putting the stuffed goodness in the casserole dish, I sprinkled a bit more red pepper on top as well as some minced garlic. Since I had so much of the rice mixture left, I added some of this into the dish to bake along with the squid.

Bake it all at 350* for an hour and then enjoy the yumminess.

PA Doctor Charged with Murder, Conspiracy, Infanticide, more

2011-01-28T06:30:00.000-05:00

I have to tell you, this case has disturbed me in so many ways. I spent two days last week pouring over the grand jury indictment. There are pictures that I would deem NSFW and NOT for the faint of heart or those with children around. Hours and hours I should have been studying but couldn't pull myself away from the sadness and horror that this man perpetuated on so many people.

There is likely a debate going on somewhere over the good vs bad, that this man helped so many people who had nowhere else to go.

This, for me, isn't a debate about abortion. The law has legalized it and there are places to go to get an abortion, if you choose to do so. The law places guidelines on the procedure. Namely, you can't have an abortion past approximately 24 weeks. So, because there's a law, there are a lot of rules in places to make sure patients and doctors do what they're supposed to.

Why is there a time-frame limit?

Medical professionals have come to an agreement on the viability of when a fetus/baby can survive outside the womb. I would imagine it's partly due to the abortion debate and partly to help when a lady delivers pre-term. My guess is having a guideline saves the doctor the agony of performing futile life-saving measures that can be incredibly traumatic on a newborn with no chance of survival. Don't get me wrong. A doctor will override the 'standards' if (s)he sees the infant responding. My limited understanding, having not studied this yet, is that there is an automatic response to the change in environments that can be observed. If someone knows differently, please educate me.

The viability age? From my perusal, it appears most states go with the law siding on the side of viability. There has been one known case of a 21 weeks preemie who survived birth before the accepted age of viability. According to the American Association of Pediatrics, 23-24 weeks is the cutoff. Anything before this is considered not viable. So abortions past 24 weeks are illegal in all states.

The interesting thing I've found in reading is that most abortion facilities will not perform abortions past 20 weeks.

Which brings us back to the case that had me in tears.

"Dr." Kermit Gosnell is, from what I can tell, a licensed physician who never completed any residency training. He grew up in Philadelphia, PA, staying around and graduating from Jefferson Medical College. From the grand jury indictment-

In fact, 40 years ago, he started but failed to complete a residency in obstetrics and gynecology.

The man was licensed as a physician, but not licensed to the do the job he did. The state of PA requires Board Certified Ob/Gyns to either be the practicing physician or acting as consultant to abortion facilities. Yet somehow Gosnell operated the Women's Medical Society for 32 years without being shut down once for non-compliance.

He, or someone in his office, turned in blank forms with just a signature and received continued approval for operation. A blank form-with nothing completed as to the nature of the business, who the boarded consultant or primary physician was. He failed inspections that were never followed up on again. There are forms in various agencies around Philadelphia and other parts of PA that indicate people knew of the failed inspections yet still waved him on through to another year of operations.

Years, then decades went by without his clinic being physically inspected. Even when the office was inspected, in the case of fraudulent vaccine program activity, a report was filed but never followed up on. It appears there were years and years of turning a blind eye and 'It's not my job-itis'.

In researching Gosnell, the closest thing I can come up with is that he graduated medical school, completed his first year of residency and received a license to practice. In the 1960s, that's all you needed to open a practice. It was known as General Practice. When the rules changed, the doctors who were GPs were grandfathered in.

So Gosnell was a GP masquerading as an OB/Gyn and no one ever shut him down. For over three decades, he killed babies. Regardless your views on pro-choice and pro-life, let it be known. The man killed babies. He performed abortions, which seemed to fall within standard procedure, that were within the legal limits too. Though it could be said they were all illegal since Gosnell didn't meet the requirements of an abortion provider per the state of Pennsylvania. But regarding the late-term abortions, there are several eye-witness accounts, even to the point of incriminating the witnesses in crimes, that allege (I hate having to use that word) that Kermit Gosnell chose to play God for live-born babies.

His process? Have the women, who were 6-7 months and sometimes further along, deliver a live baby. Then he would sever the spinal cord at a spinal level that was fatal. This process not only killed babies. It resulted in irreparable harm to numerous women, some of whom died. Some of them can't have anymore children. Others sustained permanent damage to their reproductive and gastrointestinal organs.

From the indictment, it seems most (if not all) of his staff participated in the illegal abortions. There was so much law-breaking going on at the Women's Medical Society, I can't begin to fathom where these people left their ethics or what kind of excuses went into believing this was all okay. A high school student routinely adminstering anesthesia? Hmmm. What is safe about that? Letting a patient choose the amount of anesthesia to receive, which was directly tied to how much they wanted to pay? NO! This isn't administering nitrous oxide vs deep sedation. These were all IV drugs and you just paid for how much you wanted.

And you wonder how a patient like Karnamaya Mongar could die of acute anoxic encephalopathy. She got way more than she paid for. Her levels of Demerol at autopsy were still so high, that when the medical examiner tried to explain it to the grand jury by drawing a standard toxicity chart, the levels wouldn't even fit. That's what happens when a doctor isn't on the premises and allows his untrained staff to administer medication, as they feel like it.

There is the debate that this never would have happened if these women had not set out to break the law. That's true. But the cycle began with a doctor who believed he could skirt the law, make millions (yes, millions), and provide a service he wasn't trained to do under the guise of helping disadvantaged women.

Why did I say millions? One estimate I read of his earnings just from the abortion side of the practice, estimated one year's earnings at $1.8 million.

What did it take to shut him down? When all of the regulating health agencies turned a blind eye for so many years, when a complaint by a well-known pediatrician went unanswered, when patient complaints and well-documented complaints by a former employee were dismissed without in-depth investigation, what did it take?

Gosnell was being investigated for the other side of his business-a lucrative narcotics prescription business. He would leave signed prescription pads at the office and his office staff would complete the prescriptions, selling narcotics to whomever was willing to pay.

The Feds stumbled on the abortion clinic nightmare while raiding his office for the narcotics ring he had going. And suddenly, with the glaring eye of the media trained on Philadelphia and all of the very bad publicity, the PA Department of Health and the other agencies involved in the blatant oversight found the impetus to close the clinic. They supposedly also found the money to hire some really expensive attorneys.

At the end of it all, I came to the soul-searing conclusion, that if clinics such as Gosnell's existed for so long, in plain site and unregulated, there are others just like it. How many other babies have died? How many women?

Our states have to do something to better process how patient complaints are investigated. In the case of PA, the regulations were in place but there was bureaucratic nonsense that prevented abortion clinics from being inspected. Funny how those regulations, without being amended in any way, were suddenly not a problem when this story came to light.

Banana Sticky Buns

2011-01-26T23:51:00.001-05:00

Sounds yummy, doesn't it?? That was my study break snack this evening, courtesy of Framed Cooks. You can follow the link to grab the recipe. I would HIGHLY suggest following her, either her blog or on Facebook. You won't regret it if you love cooking and like trying new things. Most of her recipes are ridiculously easy. And everything I've tried has been so tasty.

I would post a picture of the ones I made but they're gone. No, I didn't eat them all.

I shared.

From start to finish, they were done in about 20 minutes and within 15 minutes of being plated (still hot) they were all gone. Thanks to my neighbors. There's nothing more thrilling than bringing fresh from the oven goodies to studying neighbors and seeing their faces light up!

A Vibrams-wearing Kick-ass Doctor to be

2011-01-26T21:42:00.000-05:00

What's the drill here? WBoMW is me, telling you about me based on random questions from the fabulous Leigh Ashley. If you want to play, just head over to her blog, grab the button and play along. Don't forget to go back to her post and include a link to your blog. It's fun to see how everyone answers each week.

{one} how tall are you?
5'7" and dreaming of being 5'10".

{two} besides bills, what do you spend most of your money on?
I don't have a lot of discretionary income so it's not as if I can go shopping all the time or go on vacations or such jazz. But I like to relax when I do have free time. So entertainment is a catch all for where my money goes. That includes fun ingredients for interesting dinners, different wines, going to the movies.

{three} what are your three favorite websites?
Fark, Rovia (so I can dream about vacations I want to take), Allrecipes (you can search based on the ingredients you have on hand!).

{four} what brand of tennis shoes do you prefer?
I love my Vibrams.

{five} what food can you absolutely not stand to eat?
sea urchin. I had it once when having sushi. Never again.

{six} How many pairs of jeans do you own?
About 8 but I only consistently wear about 4 pair.

{seven} if you could have any job, what would it be?
A kick-ass doctor who doesn't forget to care about her patients.

{eight} have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
Yeah. Not a good story. And no, you can't find out what it is.

{nine} how many pillows do you sleep with?
I have 4 on my bed. I sleep on one and usually use one to cover my head with to block out all the noises and stuff.

{ten} on a scale of 1-5, how organized are you?
Depends on how much studying I have to get done. I'm going to say 4. Although I can be way closer to 5 and occasionally closer to 3.

Took a Study Break &...

2011-01-21T00:18:00.000-05:00

Got lost in the internet.

A few friends are having romance problems. Or love problems. Some of the links one of them posted led me to some interesting quotes, two of which hit home because of my own short but sweet tango that ended this year.

I'm not sure the original source of the following quote-it's definitely not my own- but it was one that made my heart hurt, for the author and people who go through similar, difficult stages in ending a relationship. In almost every relationship I've ever had, I've maintained at least a basic friendship with the guy after things ended. Where it ended and we each went our separate ways was due to life taking us in vastly different directions and us simply losing contact because there wasn't a bond there to hold the connection. It wasn't due to ill feelings.

To be okay with letting a person go and in fact needing to let go and forget in order to exist again is heartbreaking to me. Which is funny, because the author of the quote had a heart breaking because they couldn't forget.

I cannot recall a specific time or place, but I learned to forget you. It was somewhere in between the phone calls I never received, the places I never saw you, or the voice I can no longer recall. I was trapped, for the longest time, with the hope that we would be together again. Your silence once left me with a vacant heart and a hollow head, but I have taken a deep breath. It feels incredible to breathe again.

To clarify-I've had my heart broken before. But in each case, I was able to heal and hold onto the friendship that I valued so much. Seeing friends go through the ends of relationships, maybe my experiences don't follow the norm.

From 52hearts:

What we had was foolish and fleeting, but you never did break my heart and although that might mean to others that it wasn’t much of anything — to me, it still meant everything. Sometimes I think just that reason alone is the reason why you have always remained my favorite.

The above could apply to the most recent object of some of my affection, if you want to call him that. It was incredible and somewhat foolish and definitely fleeting. It was over faster than I wanted it to be. It's weird how a perfect situation for one can be notsoperfect for the other. I had no idea. Talk about feeling a fool. I did. His final words seemed to leave a chance, an open door, so a part of me wants to think maybe things will change and go back to how it was, but the realist in me recognizes that's just not going to happen. Which is really too bad. He was my favorite.

What's been your most memorable "end of a relationship" experience?

My Frigid Wee Bits on a Wednesday

2011-01-12T22:15:00.000-05:00

It's been cold as balls around here lately. Truly cold. My friends from the northern-most states and Canada laugh at my inability to tolerate the weather. I blame it on being anemic and a wuss. But once I'm sufficiently bundled up, I love it. The snow is beautiful and so fun to play in. Having four seasons is something some people at school have never experienced. I couldn't imagine!

What's your weather like?

If you want to play along, head over to Leigh Ashley's page and grab the button and link up!

{one} have you ever been on tv?
Not that I'm aware of. If I was, it couldn't have been for anything good.

{two} what was the best movie you saw last year?
I have no idea what movies I saw last year. To say one is the best of the year is a stretch for me. I enjoy comedies so at first thought 'Due Date' probably gets a vote. Or 'The Hangover'. Or 'Hot Tub Time Machine'. But I don't know that any of those are 'best' worthy movies.

{three} do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
Tucked in or out of what? There's no one to come tuck me into bed so I guess 'out'.

{four} do you cut coupons?
Sometimes. I started cutting them last semester but then kind of fizzled out with it. Now I use the ones I get by email or in the mail.

{five} do you ever count your steps when you walk?
No.

{six} what sauce do you dip your chicken nuggets in?
I don't eat chicken.

{seven} do you have any magazine subscriptions?
Nope. I read most of my articles online.

{eight} when was the last time you wrote a letter on paper?
Last week. I love real correspondence although I don't have as much time nowadays to engage in it as I used to. It still makes me happy to send letters and cards out.

{nine} what’s your favorite fruit pie?
Banana cream pie

{ten} black olives or green olives?
Both! Olives rock my face off. Seriously.

Back to Life

2011-01-02T23:01:00.000-05:00

Classes start back tomorrow. I'm excited. That probably makes me crazy but it's been kind of boring sitting around trying to find things to do. Apparently there's only so much internet out there.

In getting back to life and back to my blog, I apparently lost a follower along the way. My numbers are so small that the loss of one really stands out. To the rest of you, Happy New Year!

I'm currently recovering from my first run with my new shoes and hoping things will be more normal tomorrow.

Vibram Five Fingers in Chili

I first found out about these shoes when we were studying gait cycles in anatomy class. I loved the idea of them but never bought a pair for myself because I'm a high heels girl. Spending close to $100 on shoes that I wasn't sure I would wear wasn't really my game plan. The only flats I own besides my washed out pair of tennis shoes is clinic shoes and 2 pair of winter boots I bought so I don't bust it on ice again. Now I can add these to the list.

If you want to know what's special about the VFFs, search 'minimalist running' and 'barefoot running'. They're built on the science that the way we first learn to run, as children, is how we're really supposed to run. Think about it-as a kid, you likely ran mostly barefoot. There's been quite a few studies done to show the mechanics of how running shoes aren't exactly beneficial to the body and how they can actually do more harm than good.

So headed into week 2 of my 'get off the couch and run' schedule, I strapped these babies on for my run. It felt weird at first but overall, it burned in a good way. It's like the rush you feel when you're pushing out the last few reps in a hard series of weights and when it's done, you just feel GOOD! After my run, I stretched, came home, showered, and went out to ring in the New Year.

Fast forward a few hours to New Years' morning when I had to roll out of bed. Sweet mercy, just kill me now. To echo another runner's statement: "I broke my calves!!!"

Seriously. I walked liked I'd just climbed off a bull who did me wrong. I waddled when I walked. It wasn't to the point of having to go sideways down stairs like a few other runners' apparently had to, but they probably ran a hell of a lot further than I did too. By the way, I'm not classifying myself as a runner. Just someone who went for a run. I'll be a runner again one day though.

I should have run today but took another day of rest. The last thing I want is to injure my already pissed off muscles. Hopefully, tomorrow afternoon will be better. Even if I can't run, I'll at least go for a walk to work the soreness out.

Merry Christmas Eve

2010-12-24T02:24:00.000-05:00

It's my sincerest hope that your holiday madness has settled down a bit and you can enjoy the next few days with your families. While some celebrate this week for the commercialism and tradition of gift-giving and get all wrapped up in what gifts to give, others honor the birth of Christ. Still others sit back and moan and groan about how they hate the holiday and can't wait for it to be over.

Whatever your stance, please take time to relax. When all the hustle and bustle goes away and you wake up on Christmas morning, I hope you find joy and happiness and maybe a white winter wonderland.

I'll be driving to Nashville today to join my family for a car ride to see my grandmother. Time with family is really all I could wish for on Christmas.

And if you're keeping up with my recent goals, today will be Day 2 of week 1 of running again. The challenge to change my diet is on a brief hold. I got some flak from a friend over the diet change I was looking to make so I'm doing a bit more research on what will or won't work. Ultimately, I may not do the 30 day transition program (which is what the complaint was over). For now, I'm just trying to cut out as much as I can in the potatoes/breads/rice department.

Merry Christmas, y'all!!!

Challenge to Myself

2010-12-21T23:37:00.000-05:00

After the post last week about leaving things behind in 2011, I have gotten pretty serious with myself about the weight and health thing. So after doing some research, I'm going to try a different outlook and approach life without carbs, as that seems to be the only thing that could have been combining with my meds and causing the crazy weight fluctuation. Call it unintentional carb loading. I love sushi so will still allow myself that once in awhile, which now equals about once every two or three months.

I'm also finally going to start running again. Tomorrow is Day 1. It's been a plan for a couple of months but I really wanted to start running with Vibram Five Fingers. Sadly, those shoes run about $120 and that's just not doable at the moment. I'm not going to put off starting a new running program just to wait on new shoes. The transition from traditional shoes to VFFs can happen next month when Uncle Sam hands out student loan money. In the meantime, I'll be a couple of weeks into running again.

So what about this challenge I mentioned? The plan is to find a 5k to run sometime in February or early March and then think about a 10k and 1/2 marathon.

I may have gone crazy, y'all. But it's a goal, and written down, so you'll have to deal with the craziness!

11 Things to Lose Before '11

2010-12-17T11:11:00.000-05:00

The other thing I wanted to do today was something I saw. After seeing Reverb 10 mentioned on a couple of blogs, I went and checked it out and they want to know-

What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

Clutter.

I HATE paper clutter. But it seems that I get too busy sometimes to properly deal with the little messes. So before I leave for the holidays, I'll be decluttering my apartment. Again. It happens about 4 times a year and makes me feel WONDERFUL!!

Old clothes.

I really need to go through my closet and get rid of stuff I haven't worn in at least a year. I just hate getting rid of stuff for which I paid good money. I don't know that it will change my life but it will make my closet look a heck of a lot better!

The Mess.

The one that lurks under the bathroom counter. No matter how organized it starts out, it always winds up a hot mess. And the main reason? There's a TON of stuff under there that I never use. So, I need to throw out what isn't used or needed.

Bad Study Habits.

I REALLY need to examine my study habits and revise them and work out a good system. I had this done but reverted to my old ways this semester. No bueno!!! That's not going to work going forward. I'm getting ready to enter 2-2.5 very difficult years where time is incredibly valuable. Constantly wasting time will not be an option so if I can get it worked out now, it will help me.

Drama.

There's not anything going on right now that I need to 'get rid of'. There's not even anything in recent memory. It's just that my hope is that I can keep it out of my life in 2011. Drama is something I hate and try to keep to a minimum in my life so when it happens, it's frustrating.

Weight.

Gah. This is such a struggle. This year saw an awesome start of weight loss for me. I was headed in the right direction toward my goal and then out of the blue, I wasn't. I experienced a very rapid return, complete with bonus pounds, after being placed on a medication in the first half of the year. Despite no change in diet. w00h00 meds!!! I shouldn't complain though. The medicine does what I need it to so I'll have to deal with the weight issues. Through trial and error, I'm working on it. It just sucks a big one to look in the mirror and know that there is someone else waiting to get out. That makes me sound crazy but I'm not talking crazy. Having recently pulled out pictures from a few years ago, looking for motivation and to make sure I wasn't dreaming the old me up, I KNOW what I'm supposed to look like. This isn't it. So, I'll continue my weight challenge into 2011.

Baggage.

Friends who only keep you around to stroke their egos or keep them from being bored. Yeah. I have a few of those and I really need to just say adios to them. But here's where I feel guilty. I have a lot of friends that I have very little contact with at the moment because of school. It's like I focus so much on one thing and look up and realize it's been weeks since I talked to people outside the school circle. So the point that I'm beating at is that I could kind of be accused of doing the same thing. For all intents, I only call/chat with friends occasionally. So how am I not as bad as I'm accusing them of being? Make sense? no?

Men.

Not ALL men!!! There are a couple of guys in my life that have been in it for far too long. Okay, it's only been a handful of years but still that's too long. Why? Every time they show up, they bring drama. So I need to be more resilient on cutting ties with them in '11. This will effectively help me out on two fronts. This one and the 'drama' front. See! I win!

It looks like I can only come up with 8 of the 11 things at the moment. And even that was a struggle! Maybe that's a good thing? That I don't have much in life that weighs me down to the point of needing to get rid of it. Either that or the all-inclusive clutter category caught everything else.

Semester's Done, My Wee Bits are Late, and Haiti

2010-12-16T05:27:00.000-05:00

Long title? Maybe. But I had a lot to say today and didn't want to break it up into multiple posts.

First, my semester is over and I don't have to be back until a couple of days after NYE. Thank goodness!! With the end of the semester came another big deal for me. My deposit is paid for the medical mission trip we'll be taking to Haiti in March. The same group headed a trip last year but I wasn't able to go. It's not often that I regret things in life or really wish for different circumstances, but that is one instance that I wish had been different. It helps to have a philosophy that the bulk of everything in life happens for a reason, whether we ever know that reason or not. You truly do the best you can to achieve your goals and then let happen what will happen.

So back to Haiti. I'm super excited and can't wait for March to get here. Before it does, I have to find the rest of the monies for my trip. It's hard for me to ask for help with anything but I did. I sent an email about the trip and posted a note about it on one of my social media sites, asking for financial contributions. And got three responses. So my question is, do I send another email out? I don't want to be 'that girl' who friends hate to hear from because she's asking for money but I haven't asked for anything along these lines before. What would you do?

If you want to link up with Leigh and Wee Bit Wednesday, head over to Leigh Ashley's blog and grab the button. It's fun and random!

{one} did you buy a christmas tree this year?
Nope. I haven't had a tree in a few years. It'll probably be quite a few more before I have one again.

{two} what is your favorite holiday tradition?
I can't say I have one at the moment. Before coming to school, it was getting together with friends for a very fancy NYE dinner. We'd pick a restaurant in town that we weren't likely to try any other time of the year and go there for the end of the year festivities. It was always a good time.

{three} do you open your gifts on christmas eve or christmas day?
Christmas day

{four} at what age did you stop believing in santa claus?
I don't recall ever believing in Santa. Fairy traditions weren't ever big in our house.

{five} do you fill stockings?
Nope.

{six} handmade presents or store bought presents?
Store bought. I'm not creative enough to do handmade.

{seven} do you have a favorite christmas meal?
Sometimes my mom will make gumbo or do something Louisiana'ish. It's always amazing and makes me miss the state SO MUCH!!!

{eight} is your christmas tree real or artificial?
When I have one, it's artificial. (Sounds so much better than fake!!)

{nine} what is your favorite christmas song?
Silent Night
I love this version performed by Elvis & Sara Evans. It's beautiful!!

{ten} did you send out christmas cards this year?
Nope. I'll be sending out New Year's cards. If I can find some I like.

More Wee Bits of Me on a Wednesday...and What About that Blizzard?!?

2010-12-08T19:14:00.000-05:00

Are y'all frozen yet? I am. It's all part of my agenda to not crank the heat above 66*. I weatherproofed my windows this weekend but I don't think it worked. It's COLD!!!

After staying up late last night, into this morning, trying to wrap up this block's material, I rolled out of bed LATE this morning. First thing I did was hop online to see what I missed while in the arms of Morpheus. Checking into my school email was horrifying. Facebook had provided a slight preface to what to expect but still....geez!!!

To give you background information, all of the courses at school are wrapping up this week with major finals on Monday. Well, apparently there's a BIG STORM rolling into the area this weekend and the school is trying to be proactive before things go from just frigid to icicle-ish. The tendency around here is for rain and snow to happen and then everything turns to ice.

The emails started with the Dean of Students stating that the tests were moved to Sunday, from Monday. Well, that must have been met with the biggest backlash ever because within three emails the Dean of Students responds that the Sunday exam would not happen. He went on to say that if the weather turned bad, making a Monday exam unlikely, that it would take place on Tuesday or Wednesday. Oh, and if you have a flight out of here Monday but exams hadn't happened yet, tough shit. Reschedule your plans. He didn't say it that way. But it was the message.

So my request is that whoever requested the Blizzard in these parts, TAKE IT BACK!!! I mean it. There are too many cranky students in a tiny town to be dealing with this drama. It's the last day of school. Everyone just wants to go home already. Is it too much to ask?

Now, it's time for my Wee Bits. You know you like it. If you want to play along, head over to Leigh's page and grab the button to link up!

{one} if you were granted three wishes, what would they be?
To graduate school without any student loans.
To be more successful with my studies and my personal endeavours.
To never get so jaded that I stop caring for people.

{two} who is your favorite author?
It's been so long since I've sat down to read that I don't truly have a favorite now.

{three} what crowd were you involved in during high school?
Not really any of them. I had friends that were in pretty much every crowd but I don't know that I could have been placed into one.

{four} what is your favorite thing to do when you have time to yourself?
Sleep. Spend time with friends. Work on my personal life.

{five} do you have any hidden talents?
I could tell you but then they wouldn't be hidden, would they?

{six} can you fake any accents?
Not really. Whatever funky Southern-style accent I have is sometimes mistaken for a foreign accent so people will think I'm from New Zealand or something. But I don't know that I could actually pull off a NZ accent if I tried.

{seven} have you ever been mentioned in the newspaper?
Probably for academic stuff. I've not ever committed any crimes that would get me in the paper. Nor have I saved anyone's life that would merit a mention.

{eight} have you ever been arrested?
Nope. I did have an officer threaten me with arrest one time. Until I called his bluff and dared him to do it. He didn't.

{nine} what is your favorite job you’ve had?
I used to work in a grocery store. It was fun and hell all at the same time. Interacting with so many different types of people on a daily basis taught me so much about handling people and what works and what doesn't. It was a job I could do with my eyes closed. Not having a challenge was the worst part of it.

{ten} do you have any scars?
Yes. Knife scars (kitchen tragedies!), bird bites, surgeries, chicken pox, scars from piercings that didn't take. I have one on my head that my hair covers from a playground injury years ago.

Kitchen Tragedy

2010-12-04T15:06:00.000-05:00

In case you missed it somewhere along the way, I love to cook. Whether it's dinner or desserts, being in the kitchen is an excellent source of stress relief for me and it's just enjoyable. Having a relaxed schedule this weekend and not much to do, I decided some baking was in order. This desire to bake was fueled in part by the lovely Kate over at Framed. Actually, it was mostly her discussion of holiday gifts that got me going.

Who doesn't love easy desserts that look amazing? Frankly, everything on her site looks amazing. I've been working my way through some of the dinner recipes.

Back to last night. After hitting the grocery store for the few items I didn't have, I set out to make dessert magic. The list of future desserts was cookie brittle, eggnog fudge, and regular fudge (without nuts). There was also the possibility of a cheesecake or Cookie Truffles (made with Oreos or Nutter Butter) later in the weekend.

Everything for the cookie brittle appeared to go off without a hitch. While making the eggnog fudge, I had a feeling it wasn't working out right but couldn't figure out what was wrong. The white chocolate wouldn't all melt and the consistency just didn't look right. I went ahead and poured the confection anyway, thinking it was just my nerves over making something new. Moving on to the fudge recipe, which is one of a few that I can pretty much make in my sleep, the same thing happened.

The chocolate didn't melt like it was supposed to, neither did the marshmallows. The consistency of the mixture was just 'off'. But again, I thought it would all be okay in the morning. So I poured that batch up, let everything cool and put it in the fridge.

After making all of these delicious goodies, my plan was to take them to school and provide a sugar high for everyone spending the weekend studying. So this morning it was time to see how everything went and divide everything into containers for the various study rooms.

Dismantling the Cookie brittle into artful pieces was fine. I wasn't happy with how it looked but for a first time, it tastes fine.

Then came the fudge. I started with the eggnog fudge. When I went to pull the liner out of the pan, the fudge kind of gooed to one side. Putting a knife in it was like sliding through warm butter. So I just rolled the liner and fudge out into the garbage. Goodbye first attempt at eggnog fudge.

The last thing was regular fudge. Same thing. Same consistency. It went down the garbage disposal. While writing this post, I had the very late realization that I can't be the only person to have ever messed up fudge and Googled to see if there was a remedy for it. People get creative.

Put it in a jar and use it for ice cream topping.

Rework it with confectioner sugar to stiffen it up.

Reheat it, knowing it might be too hard.

Of three pans of desserts, I have one to show for my efforts. That's not a good record! I'm most distraught over the failed fudge, having never made a bad batch of fudge before. Honestly, I don't recall ever making a bad dessert before.

For now, the cookie brittle is chilling in the fridge waiting on me to make something else to go with it. And I'm trying to figure out something amazing to make for dinner to redeem myself in the kitchen.

What kitchen disasters have you had?