clueless dolphin

Midget Redemption

2011-08-27T01:04:00.000-07:00

I feel really bad for midgets. I hate making jokes about midgets because I always feel like shit afterward just because I know they are the but of everyone's joke and they really get the short end of the stick.

Not cool. Whenever I see little people on television or in films, I always notice (no pun intended) that they get really small roles and in these roles, its typically mandatory for them to dress up in some sort of embarrassing costume that has to do with their height like oompa-loompas or trolls from Harry Potter.

Honestly, I think it would be really fun to go drive out to Hollywood and post a Casting Call on Craigslist for 'Respectable Film Roll for Little Person Wanted'. Then just kind of wait around for the millions of midget head-shots I would get via E-Mail. And you know what? I would set up an interview with every single one of the little mother fuckers. I'd even bang out a legit script, something lifetimey, probably a film about a little girl with cancer and her Hospital room mate is a little person with dimentia.

Then I would give each of them a respectable amount of time to read the script to me with intensity and ingenuity and I would totally lead all of them on to believe that I would be calling them back for a second audition. Of course I'm not a casting director and of course the adventures of little cancer Susy and confused Mike will never be seen on network television but at least I can go to bed at night knowing I made a couple hundred tiny actors feel respected.

Movie Cliches Have Ruined My Life

2011-08-21T10:14:00.000-07:00

There are certain things that I can't do and things that I can't let other people do because I see these events unfold in movies and I'm always expecting it to have the same outcome. For example! Do not walk backwards into a street or I promise you I will shit my pantaloons. When someone walks backwards into a street, I fully expect a double-decker London bus to come slamming into them out of fucking nowhere.

Another example is I can never open my medicine cabinet, then close it without looking behind me. If I do this, I expect a murderous clown will appear behind me in the reflection wielding a bloody knife. Yeah, if I don't turn around that's exactly what will happen. But Jesus on a popsicle, I can't stop there. I have an endless list of shit that I've seen written into films so many times, I expect them to be an actual part of life.

I was bitterly disappointed when my first kiss wasn't met with a kick of the leg, but instead an awkward mess. I also expected every pregnant woman EVERYWHERE to have their water break when they were about to go into labor. Did you guys know that that rarely even happens? Goddamn you cinema for trashing society. Goddamn you.

Culture Shock

2011-08-17T09:59:00.000-07:00

I guess this is more of a follow up blog on something that I wrote about last week, but it's still bothering me how different this generation is compared to previous ones and I think it's because we've been exposed to more freaky shit. Do you remember what the WORST thing you ever saw was before the internet came around? Probably weird poop or a dead dog.

I was exposed to two girls one cup at the age of FIFTEEN. The most shocking thing ever done by humans since the gestapo threw Jew babies to the dogs was shown to me after being on this planet for fifteen years along with several other images that should never be seen by anyone. Any imaginable horror is now available online and everyone using the computer is young as fuck.

Ok, now think about what the most shocking thing your grandparents have ever seen. Honestly, probably too many dishes in the sink or saggy tits. Do you remember how old you were when you first saw a boob? Probably like ten right? Maybe you were a little eager and managed to see one at eight, but NOW imagine how old your grandfather was when he first saw a tit...

The first tit your grandfather saw was probably an ACTUAL tit and now there are all these four year olds walking around with their iPhones and they can literally - between breaths - look at a tit with little to no effort. All they have to do is move their thumbs four times slightly. T - I - T - SEARCH... "Oh, cool a boob. I'm gonna go back to playing Fruit Ninja."

Before the internet, kids would tell each other happy birthday by buying a card and giving them a friendly punch or something but now I guess the cool and funny thing to do is show them the most horrifying picture that could be possibly conjured up. Or even worse, a childhood icon transposed into filth like maybe a picture of Goofy's dick or Winnie the Pooh getting rimmed by Eor.

My cousin was beside me and he is 13 years old and said "haha look at this" and showed me a picture of two naked old ladies making out. I stared shocked and he just started laughing then continued to show me more things that were burned into my brain.

Why I love COPS

2011-08-15T22:20:00.000-07:00

Uhh... I should probably clarify. I don't necissarily LOVE cops, I love COPS the television show although I'm sure cops are really nice guys. Their mothers are lovely. Cops is probably the only reason I don't kill myself from boredom on weekday afternoons. Also, that right there should tell you the type of audience COPS is trying to entertain. People who are home at the middle of the day... let's see, that would be old people, unemployed drop outs, unemployed in general and of course babies! The advertising for the show says it all, it's a complete montage of Pampers, Depends and Rehab Facility commercials. Moving on!

Every person on this show has broken the law. Wanna know how I know? Here's a hint, if they didn't do anything illegal, then they wouldn't be on television. Who wants to see someone get pulled over then let off with a warning? No one. So when a cop pulls someone over on COPS the television show, don't ever have a shadow of a doubt that someone in that car is getting arrested. That's what makes the show so fun and that's when I play GUESS THAT CRIME.

GUESS THAT CRIME is a game I play with no one because nobody else I know understands the true comedy of COPS. I don't understand why this show isn't held in such high critical regards like that of Seinfeld or Arrested Development. When they announce the Emmys they should always announce COPS in the Outstanding Comedy Series category and Jimbo the toothless junkie as Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series.

Basically I try to guess what the person has done based on how nervous they are and how they react to certain questions. There is an entire ARRAY of factors that play into the game as well including race, neighborhood, assholery of the cop, whether not the perp has teeth, crossdressing and my FAVORITE: the fucking liars. If they look away after a question or act completely SURPRISED when a cop finds weed in their pocket, they are the lucky winner of the Daily Fucking Liar points. Congrats, you get a bonus question! It's an infinite process that goes on in my head and no one ever wins.

But my favorite episodes, absolute FUCKING FAVORITE all time episodes are the ones that are always in Las Vegas. Dear God, you know why I love Las Vegas episodes of COPS? Because shit like this happens.

Yup! Joy in my life. These criminals are a different brand of criminals, fuck they're a different species, just because they make a career out of crime and decide to not learn about anything else at all ever. Haha. Las Vegas criminals are like the caviar of the crime world. It's not not that they're classy, it's that they are so GREAT and you know what every Vegas criminal has? A black girl in the passenger seat with cocaine in her purse. I swear Vegas criminals get more black girls wet than Hurricane Katrina.

And good night! Also, some of you may notice I've changed my blog a bit. Be sure to like this on Facebook on the top right of the home page so all your other friends can get depressed.

Monday Movie Review: Rise of the Planet of the Apes

2011-08-14T22:40:00.000-07:00

If there is any animal on this planet that could gain super intelligent abilities and sadistic thoughts, which animal would you think would be the CREEPIEST? Yeah, I also thought a planet run by ostriches would be fucking disturbing but apparently these Hollywood Big-Wigs disagree with me. I went out and saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes and the only way I can describe it is: very unsettling.

The movie stars James Franco as a, what I'd like to think, a stoner scientist who decides it would be funny to make a monkey super smart so he can give him relationship advice. Well, that plan goes wrong when the monkeys get TOO SMART. I totally made all of that up, but I feel like it would make for great dramatic Romance called Lies of the Planet of the Apes.

So James Franco drags his lines through this movie like an even more baked version of Matthew McConaughey , giving monkeys all these experimental drugs and then BAM a monkey is just smart out of nowhere in the beginning of the movie and shit and he's all like "CHECK MATE GODDAMNIT GIVE ME A BANANA."

Then they shoot the girl monkey (LOL) and it is revealed that her smart, monkey ass had a secret baby. Enter Caesar.

Caesar is a bacherlor on the prowl and loves snuggly blankets as well as milk and Miles Davis. He also loves John Lithgow. Did I mention John Lithgow is in this film? hahaha, he has alzheimers and I feel like every time he said something, there should have been a studio audience laughing at him like a quirky Seinfeld comment.

Well, time progresses and the baby Caesar starts to grow older and smarter and wears pants and stuff. Huh? Okay. He also likes to set people up on dates and because James Franco brings him to a zoo vet, the monkey totally suggests that he should fuck the doctor. I'm guessing that the writers of this show have seen Wilfred on FX.

Then one day Caesar gets pissed at the neighbor and bites off his finger HAHA. Goodbye Caesar, you're going to monkey jail! Seriously, he went to monkey jail which is like a sanctuary where the big dogs like to play. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed this movie but it started to become an off-broadway showing of Dr. Dolittle at times when the monkeys would communicate to each other using sigh language.

Another thing that I noticed was that knowledge to monkeys is like alcohol to us. It makes them really upset and the more they get it, the more they start to resent the world. Hey, I'd resent the world too if I just learned that flinging my shit and humping a bush should be my daily routine and BAM I should just call it a day. For Example:

Fuck, he looks drunk and angry! Well guess what he does now? He rejects James Franco and James Franco is all like 'AWH MONKEY HOW YOU GONNA DO ME LIKE THAT, COME SMOKE WEED WITH ME MAN.'. Hahaha, I swear every expression James Franco gives to the chimp in this movie is a lets-go-get-high-and-play-crash-bandicoot look.

Then he steals the monkey juice and gives it to all the chimps in chimp jail and they all become GENIUSES and what do oppressed genuises want? Revenge! So what's the first order of business? Release Buck! Hahaha, let me back up. Buck is like the Boo Radley of the Ape world, he just sits in a huge cage and rattles back and forth and no one ever talks to him and he never leaves his cage. But he releases the outcast and they all play together blah blah, destroy the humans.

Then Caesar seriously gets powerful and seriously starts being a leader. Haha! Get it! Caesar the Leader! ...Literary types. Anyway, the monkeys get smart and decide "DUDE, hey lets get out of here and split like a banana LOL.

-chimp-out."

Then THIS happens...

APE WARNING: If you are a man and you watch this scene, you'll probably get overly excited and want to break shit everywhere for no reason. Don't break shit. You'll get in trouble.

The monkeys just start going WILD. They go through offices, through galleries, through the streets, in the trollies, through buildings, on top of the fucking GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE and then they start riding... wait for it... horses. Haha, yes a monkey rode a horse and a gorilla jumped into a helicopter and sacrificed himself like it was fucking Die Hard.

I can't put into words how absolutely hilarious and awesome this entire scene is so I'll just let you see it. It's so freeing, and then Caesar and his monkey entourage make it to the woods and live happily ever after. Go see it. I give it five bananas.

Sign Spinners

2011-08-11T16:43:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been noticing an influx of sign spinners which is basically a mediocre, hourly job that can be found on any city's Craigslist classifieds. The job entails a person of no talent to take a large sign and guide people into a new business, new homes or anything that may be attractive to a gigantic arrow.

A couple of weeks ago, I was driving home from work and noticed that the road was blocked because of a three-car collision. Now, I'm not one to point fingers (or in this case, a giant arrow) but I firmly believe that the culprit behind the accident was a teenage kid, distracting traffic with his big ol' sign spinning skills that lured people into a fabulous new yoga joint.

What was even funnier was that as the cars were being pried away from each other, and the crunching of metal was screeching into the air, the kid was STILL standing on the corner spinning that sign. Hahahaha, kudos. But, what's even sadder than a person spinning a sign in 102 degree weather is watching someone spin a sign unenthusiastically in 102 degree weather.

If someone even had a FIBER of a thought to actually be persuaded into following the sign, then why would the determining factor be the eat-my-shit attitude excreting from the pores of some poor junkie. Those sign spinners need to OWN their craft and show those cars whose boss. No one likes a bummer. If I want to follow that sign, I'd better see some karate moves or some shit or break dancing and fantastical flame throwing while balancing on a midget's dick.

There is a guy I always pass who waves around a sign and I swear to God he does his job like he's the king of fucking England. He seriously believes the greatest business of all time is SELL YOUR GOLD NOW and dances with that sign 24/7 like it's his religion. God bless you, Chinese man selling gold. God bless you.

Indie Movies Suck

2011-08-10T16:18:00.000-07:00

Sure some independent films are brilliant like Pulp Fiction, American History X, Leon, etc... But the 'good' films only take up about 5% of the independent film collection. The reason these films are so well known is because they were filtered through all of the other indie films which SUCK MASSIVE ASS.

At one point did it become 'edgy' and 'cool' to choose from ridiculous angles and story lines that don't even make sense. If I hear one more person say Garden State is the greatest movie ever made, I'm going to shit out an Iron & Wine album out of pure, concentrated indie rage. Seriously, this scene always makes me want to shoot myself in the face

"you gotta hear this one song, it'll change your life. I swear"

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Shutup Natalie Portman, go dance ballet or something.

I guess people suggest that independent films are better because the same can be said about music which is actually true most of the time. In my opinion and most people's opinion, independent music rules supreme in quality despite the fact that musical groups like Brokencyde, Lady GaGa and Usher rule supreme in the industry.

Just because these musical acts rule the airwaves doesn't mean they are the best HOWEVER, the same can not be said about movies. Movies need staff, writers, cameras and overall a GOOD BUDGET.

Just because there is a sad clown crying and contemplating on his life's regrets in a black and white movie while some naked French girl dances in the background with balloons tied to her neck DOESN'T MAKE IT A GOOD MOVIE. I'm tired of these 'too deep for you' bullshit that keeps getting portrayed in crappy indie movies. Get a budget and an original thought, guys and stop mooching off your parent's trust funds for your film school.

Cynics: A Quick Overview at a Snobby Society

2011-08-09T17:42:00.000-07:00

Cynical - adj. bitterly or sneeringly distrustful, contemptuous, or pessimistic.

We've gotten so bored as an American society that we've created a new emotion. Cynicism. Cynics can come in all shapes and sizes but tend to stick to a singular age group (Generation X) and they all tend to do the same thing which is scoff at any music that isn't cool, scoff at any movie that looks lame, and just scoff at anything they disagree with.

This has to be the most annoying and all-around terrible aspect a human can have. I'll admit that I have moments where I act like a cynical asshole, but I tend to just blurt out all my 'superior' babble on the internet WHERE IT BELONGS. Seriously, the only reason there are so many cynics out there is because our lives are so cushy and soft that we HAVE to find shit to complain about.

We have nice homes, nice air conditioning, nice television programs and nice food and we still manage to bitch about everything. Why? Because we're bored and there's nothing else to do. Could you imagine a group of Sub-Saharan African kids behaving like cynical assholes?

Ongawa: Oh my GOD Nunji, that basket you weaved out of your feet is so unoriginal. I swear, no one in this village has a creative thought in their head.

Nunji: Feed me

Ongawa, you are such a dick! Nunji just wants some food but you still manage to scoff and complain about bullshit. And for all the Ongawas out there, take a look in the mirror.

Monday Movie Review: Catwoman

2011-08-07T17:59:00.000-07:00

This is gonna be fun. You know why? Because Catwoman is so bad that it's good. It's almost as if the writers fully intended for their audience to laugh hysterically. Catwoman is just one big sad hour and forty minute long failure of cinema. Let's say the movie industry was a Mom and this movie was its child. Well, this child thought it was a good idea to try meth and now he fucked up his whole life and just made his mom really sad. Alright, so let's get started.

The movie starts off with Halle Berry as a dorky artist that works as an advertising agency and gets bullied A LOT by her boss. Seriously, if there was an award given out for bullies, her boss would take home the Oscar Bully Award for Best Supporting Bully. So as the movie progresses, Halle Berry's character is basically Ugly Betty.

LOL, anyway... Halle Berry's nerd character dies... but wait! A kitty saves her! But not just any kitty... A MAGICAL KITTY THAT MAKES YOU ACT like a cat? Oh ok. Hahaha, then Halle Berry wakes up from her death and runs back to her apartment looking like Whitney Houston after a weekend crack binge. Oh, the shame Halle!

Then she starts to realize she's got cat like reflexes! Awesome! But wait... not only does she gain the abilities of a cat but she ACTS like a cat. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. She wakes up the next morning on top of her fucking kitchen cabinet. This is where the movie went seriously wrong. Just because Spiderman got bit by a spider doesn't mean he should go around town tying up his food and pooping out spider webs. You've got to make it seem cool!

And who thought it was a good idea to have cat-like abilities as a superhero? Whoever thought of this superpower HAD to have been high. No one sober would look at a cat and say "hey ya know what? I want to fight crime like that guy." I always found it strange that all women superheros have shitty powers. Really Wonder Woman? Your super power is to tie people up and force them to tell the truth? Whatever...

The next day she goes to an old woman's house and the woman throws cat nip in her face (LOL). Then Halle actually wants it! Bahahahahah, then as she walks away she tries to stop herself. Listen to Nancy Reagan, Halle Berry! Just say no! Then she goes to work and back talks her boss because apparently cats do that? Cats hate bosses! Maybe Catwoman would prefer this guy as her boss?

Then she starts to realize what kind of powers she has. Ahhh! I'm a cat! That must've been what she was thinking... Then she finally uses her powers for good. Well, not really... she uses them on her neighbors who won't turn down the music. Haha, really? This movie title should be changed from Catwoman to "Frigid Bitch Who Acts Like A Cat". First order of business as a superhero: TURN DOWN THAT RUCKUS.

Then she decides to stop a couple of robbers she just happened to see robbing this jewelry store? Okay haha. At one point while she's "beating up" these two guys, she says "purrrfect" and I literally lost it. I had to lie down and have a good laugh/cry at this. Then, as the movie progresses she starts to fight crime and people start to title her as catwoman and her detective boyfriend even SEES HER dressed up like catwoman and doesn't recognize her. Seriously? I don't know about you guys but if I've been fucking someone, I'm pretty sure I'd be able to recognize them behind a sixty cent Halloween mask.

Also apparently cats are sluts? Haha, every time she dresses like that dominatrix, she turns into the biggest whore on this side of the Mississippi. Or should I say... Meowsissisppi. Cat-ified! Catslut.

[insert dirty furry picture]

Well, then Catwoman gets arrested because she gets framed for murder. Haha, what? This is another thing that the writers did wrong... If you're a superhero and you're sitting in jail, it's time to close the comic book because I no longer have respect for you because you GOT CAUGHT. But then Halle realizes she can slip through the bars. Hahaha, but when she does it the bars have ENORMOUS gaps between them. Who the fuck designs jail cells like that? Stevie Wonder, that's who.

Then Catwoman has THE MOST unexciting fight scene with Sharon Stone and boom the movie is over and she walks away with her whip. Haha, sigh of relief.

Jersey Shore Roundup

2011-08-05T13:59:00.000-07:00

I know what you're thinking... Why is this dumb ass talking about Jersey Shore. I'll tell you why! Watching Jersey Shore is the same type of interest as cars slowing down when a grisly car accident has just happened on the side of the road. You know you do it too so don't judge me.

I guess I should start out talking about this atrocity that has earned these turds with make-up MILLIONS of dollars. Seriously, whose idea was it to put the most stereotypical Italian douche bags in... wait for it... ITALY. Hahahaha that has to be the most offensive thing to bring into that country. It's like going to China with goofy front teeth and walking around saying "herro" and getting into three car collisions.

I also like how the cave dwarf (Snooki) works out and thinks she's a cute little thing now... LOL. Snooki looks like what ET would look like if he ate one too many reese's pieces ...Think about it.

And what in God's name is wrong with "The Situation"s face? He looks like Popeye after a three week meth binge mixed with a slight dabbling in child pornography and trafficking. Seriously, I get that the guy has a 'good body' and has a lot of money, but how can any self respecting girl sleep with this dude. He's a walking petri dish of STDs and idiotic fumes but whatever. I know no matter what I say about him, he'll still be laughing his retarded smile to the bank. Moving on!

Another thing that kind of bothers me about the show besides EVERYTHING is their inaudible accents. I can't understand a fucking word any of them are saying. It's as if every time they have a conversation with eachother, it sounds like Sylvester Stallone and Tony Danza are wrestling behind a muffled doorway.

And the girls!

You know how people tell retarded kids that they can do anything? Well apparently they can! Ahh... the parents of these four dim-witted cum swallowers can sigh of relief because they have finally found a base on how to live their lives normally in society. Honestly, the combined IQ of these women is that of a cheese sandwich. Not even a HAM and cheese sandwich. Ham and cheese is smarter.

Then the turds with wigs burn their hair in the show (LOL) and the only slight glimmer of cleverness came from Snooki when she opened her mouth, not to inhale a penis, but to actually say something! She said "my heart is racing. I feel like King Kong's asshole." LOLWUT. This comment made me laugh the same way a baby makes me laugh when he poops his pants. It's an unintentional funny so I guess I will give the cave dweller that much.

At this point, I've pretty much figured out the formula for Jersey Shore. Stupid girl scene followed by work out followed by make-up-some-phrase followed by fighting/sex and voila! We've got a hit ladies and gentlemen! I'll be posting what I think of these six meat heads every week because I have no life. Have a good weekend!

Generation Tech

2011-08-04T16:22:00.000-07:00

My generation is commonly referred to as Generation X which honestly means nothing to me except for the fact that it makes all young people sound scary. I've grown to realize that I belong to the generation that was the last of our kind to experience what life was like WITHOUT internet.

Now when I see little kids walking around it's as if they just fell into this world of technology like it's always been a way of life for everyone, I can't help but think "Huh?". It's the only life they'll ever know! It's like when a baby is born, they're immediately given three things. A birth certificate, social security card and a Facebook page.

Doctor: Here's your beautiful baby boy, Ms. Johnson! But, I have one question for you. What's his relationship status?

Seriously, my little cousin is only 5 years old and he is infinitely better than me at all things technological as if C++ classes are given in the womb. What's sad is that I know most of the crap that he does online and on his little iPhone will never help him in life.

My Cousin: Hello sir, I'm coming in for an interview.

Interviewer: Great, fantastic! Have you got a resume?

My Cousin: Yes I do! Here you go.

Interviewer: Uhh... what's this here you've got listed under accomplishments?

My Cousin: Oh, I got 3 Stars on all the levels for Angry Birds: Rio

Interviewer: Get out.

I fear for my cousin's mental state! Eventually this will be a thing you guys, I'm serious! All birth certificates will eventually be online and we will all eventually live in the internet and we'll all just evolve into projections of ourselves and we'll no longer have physiological aspects.

Babies are literally going to come out of vaginas looking like iPods with the apple logo on their ass and everything. I'm afraid of what's to come with Generation Tech. They will be even more desensitized, even more dumb and have more porn fueled in their heads by the time they reach 13 than Ron Jeremy in the 70s. Godspeed, tech babies!

Funny Places to Stick My QR Code

2011-08-02T19:32:00.000-07:00

Perhaps you've seen these around trendy coffee shops or just on the bottom of a magazine! What is it, you ask? It's a QR Code and it's the latest in lazy advertising so of course I jumped on board the QR Code train. Hop on kids! We're going for a ride!

QR Codes are a small pixelated square that people can scan with their smart phones, and after scanning the code will take them directly to a website. So I printed out about a hundred 1" X 1" laminated cards with my QR Code and have been sticking them all over town.

But, when people see my QR code, I don't want them to say "Oh look, another QR Code. I guess I should just scan it cause I'll look cool." Nope! I want people to say "uhh... who the fuck put this here?" Hahaha, so think of some funny places I can stick these bitches in the comment section and I'll try and see which ones make me laugh the most. Here's a few I already came up with.

- INSIDE of a rhinoceros exhibit at the zoo
- The claw of a lobster in one of those big Red Lobster tanks
- Old lady shopping cart-mobile at Wal Mart
- Seats of a bus so that when obese people get up, others can scan the crack of their ass
- Those cylinder containers that fly up in the tubes at banks
- Missing child poster

Harry Potter Binge

2011-08-01T19:44:00.000-07:00

WELL, I officially lost my self respect this weekend. In a 72 hour period, I've managed to defile my own sense of worth and watch every single Harry Potter movie (excluding The Chamber of Secrets because I can't fucking find my brother's copy of that DVD anywhere in the house). Why did I watch all of them, you ask? Because I saw a clip of the newest movie out in theaters on The Daily Show with John Stewart and I thought OKAY NOW THAT LOOKS COOL.

So I put on my sweats, got plenty of fattening snacks and dove head first into a sedentary pool of hygienic neglect and self-loathing. Hahaha, seriously I don't know why I kept watching them and why I was so into it. It's all gibberish to me, sprinkled with a British accent which makes it sound like even more gibberish.

Ugh, I just wish the movies weren't so fucking LONG. It's like watching Avatar seven times in a row. I get it, the books were long and I'm sure the writers/directors had to include so many specific scenes so that the book nerds who actually read them before the movies came out won't have an uproar and trash Hollywood with their wands and brooms. Is there a Cliff Notes version of the movies? Because honestly I'd rather watch a 90 minute, summed up version of all the movies than sit through another ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY MINUTE film. C'mon guys.

Also, what the hell is with this Voldemort character? Haha, he's a chromosome away from being that burn victim who is in all of those Public Service Announcements for drunk driving.

Is that why you're always so pissed off, Lord Voldermort! Were you hit by a drunk driver! Is that why you killed Harry Potter's parents and now have a life long grudge for Harry Potter himself? Did his parents drink and drive, then hit you with their wizard car!? Hahaha, since when did NOT having a nose become the essence of eternal evil? Well, that would be a lot more interesting than this abra kadabra stuff.

LOL but seriously, this stuff is pretty intoxicating and addictive. Sometimes when I drop something I just imagine picking up a stick and saying HOPACA SHALAMADAMA! Then the thing I dropped would magically prop back up into my hand. Ugh, I'M BECOMING ONE OF THEM.

I just kind of wish the witches in these movies were a little more stereotypical like the witches in that old Disney movie Hocus Pocus.

Welp, fell free to have a little Harry Potter themed orgy in the comment section.

Tropical Storm Don

2011-07-29T16:15:00.000-07:00

Grab your lanterns and your pitchforks because a storm is a-brewin' in the Gulf! Tropical Storm Don is the first storm of the hurricane season to penetrate the mouth of Texas with all its glory and you know what that means. Hilarious and ridiculous news reports. Hahaha, people are treating this thing like it's fucking Hurricane Katrina. If anything, this storm is a big fat wet blessing in the disguise of some wind and water.

Seriously you guys, Texas is HOT. It's so hot over here it feels like Whoopi Goldberg's armpit after a cocaine binge. Also how scary are these hurricane names gonna get? LOL, Don sounds like the guy who went golfing this weekend. Not the ultimate storm of the century that will rape children and flip over SUVs, throwing them upon pregnant women. Nope! If Hurricane Katrina was a ravaging and angry rampage that should shake fear in all of us, then Don is nothing more than an earthly belch.

Tropical storm Don is movie weather. By that, I mean it's weather that's bad enough to where you just don't want to go outside and stay in and watch a good movie. So that's what I'll be doing this weekend as the little bitch of a storm passes over me. Have a good weekend everybody!

Hipster Babies

2011-07-28T16:24:00.000-07:00

For the first time in my life, I walked into a Babies "R" Us and boy what an experience that was. First off, what the hell does the phrase '"R" us' mean anyway? I'm guessing that it's implying that there's always going to be a little piece of being a baby inside of all of us. Uhh... if there is a grown man walking down the street with a binky in his mouth and poop dripping down his pants, he needs to stop now! Moving on!

As I entered the store I noticed most of the customers were baggy-eyed mothers (mostly teenage girls with bloated bellies) and a few more unkempt "women" waltzing around looking for diapers or anything else they could use to wipe baby poo with. Seriously I feel really bad for these women because I'm pretty sure 75% of their lives consist of poo. Wake up, poo, eat, poo, poo, shower, poo, feed baby, poo, feed baby, poo, poo, sleep, repeat. Yup, that's a mother's usual day with a baby.

Anyway, as I continued to walk through the store that coincidentally smelled like poo, I noticed that a lot of the babies had really nice clothes on and also had really trendy haircuts. Then I looked around and realized I was surrounded. Surrounded by hipster babies. They were all looking at me with their over-sized glasses and ironic senses of self-worth. If these babies could talk, they would only talk about obscure bands that you probably haven't heard of then scoff at your face and brag about being atheist.

I don't get it! I understand that parents want their babies to look nice and pretty but why would you purposefully portray your baby as a pretentious and cynical asshole. Look, I like Neutral Milk Hotel as much as the next Bisexual Agnostic but I don't run around town wearing trendy t-shirts, asking people whether they've seen the latest Diablo Cody flick.

Hahaha, these babies are bound to grow up hating anything that isn't 'cool' and treating everyone who listens to mainstream music like little sacks of dog shit. Hipster babies are our future. The "R" in Babies "R" us will never have a fully established definition because you've probably never heard of it.

My Sexy Eye Doctor

2011-07-27T17:44:00.000-07:00

Well, I went to the eye doctor yesterday and honestly I felt a little bit uncomfortable. Every time I go and see my optometrist, I always feel like he's coming onto me. Especially when he closes the door behind him and dims the lights. Sure, he has to dim them in order to get an effective reading of my retnas but why does he have to get so close to my face? Keep your distance Doctor Friendly...

Then as the session went on, I continuously thought of funny ways my 60 year old optometrist could have made advances at me. At the moment of dimming the lights, I imagined him clapping his hands seductively and a soft Jazz instrumental playing throughout the room.

Me: Uhh... why is there music playing?

Doctor: Hmm? Oh, I just thought it would lighten the mood a bit. Sit back, relax and just let me do all the work. Take off your pants if you'd like.

Me: What?

Doctor: Huh? Nothing.

Obviously that didn't happen but I still tried not to laugh under my breath as he started to edge closer to me, asking me mundane questions about how everything is going as far as school, work and life in general.

Doctor: So Leo, how's everything going?

Me: Pretty good I guess, I'm moving to San Antonio in about three weeks.

Doctor: Oh, that's nice and how's your mother?

Me: She's really good.

Doctor: That's good to hear, very good to hear and how is your butthole feeling lately?

Me: Excuse me?

Doctor: I said how is your father?

Me: Oh, he's fine.

Hahahahaha, I kept dishing out so many scenarios in my head that I couldn't even contain my laughter. It was obvious now that I was laughing and the doctor started to notice and asked me what was so funny. I ignored him and just shut my mouth.

Then he decided to give me the infamous eye exam. He clicked a button that showed several letters all lined up and asked me what I saw.

Doctor: Okay Leo, I'm going to show you a few images and I want you to tell me what you see.

Me: Okay.

Doctor: What do you see here?

Me: I see the letters Q, R, S, F, L, E and... I think that's an H?

Doctor: Great! Okay, next image. Now what do you see?

Me: Umm... Doctor, that's a picture of you in a leopard bikini.

Doctor: Heavens, how did that get in there! Haha, I apologize for that.

Then I left the room, laughing so hard my ribs hurt

My 9th Grade "Love Letter"

2011-07-26T15:42:00.000-07:00

When I was in 9th grade I had a weird sense of humor. Scratch that... I had a fucking bizarre sense of humor which included a lot of sexually explicit, religious-themed jokes. Honestly when I look back at the shit I said, I think it's pretty goddamn hilarious. But today a friend of mine who I went to High School with forwarded me a picture of a joke love letter I wrote to her and as I read it, my jaw was on the floor. Why the hell did I come up with this?

"Dearest Karla,

My love for you is overwhelming. Besides squirrels, you're the only thing I dream about at night. Listen to me... I sound crazy over here! If I could somehow fit you into a burrito and microwave you then devour you, I so would. I'd love to have dinner with you. And you as the main course! yummm :P

I love your nasal voice and your wannabe ghetto style and that ASS!!! OH GOD. You just looked at my paper and said "I saw God." I don't know if you were talking about the paper or if you literally saw God. If so, how big is his cock? I heard it was huge!! I wish I could have a threesome with you, me and the virgin mary. Well, she won't be a virgin when we're done with her.

XOXO,

Leo"

Forgive me God... hahahahaha. Oh and I forgot to mention I wrote the letter on the back of a picture of a skull.

Chuck E. Cheese: A Night in Hell

2011-07-25T22:43:00.000-07:00

Well, I went to my little cousin's birthday party this weekend and unfortunately his parents thought it would be fun to have it at Chuck E. Cheese. I guess it's understandable why a parent would find this place to be an ideal place to celebrate your child's birthday but seriously you guys... It's not.

First off, I have to ask the question as to why Chuck E. Cheese apparently has no limitations for how many fucking people they can let in their doors. Because as soon as I walked in, there was a roar of crying, laughter, screaming and hordes of people just smushing* against each other wall to wall. Seriously, how hard is it to just say "uhh... there's too many fucking kids in here." Because that's exactly what I said when I opened the door.

Chuck E. Cheese is a seriously weird place. Seriously if you think about it, it's fucking bizarre. Like if aliens were looking at our society from their space ship and they saw everything that we were doing - Chuck E. Cheese would be the most confusing event going on to them. Why are there offsprings running to those machines with golden coins and screaming? Why is there a robotic rodent shaped like a man singing to the children? Why are they enjoying this?

Anyways, as the night progressed there were several old televisions playing stock footage that was OBVIOUSLY filmed in the nineties and hasn't been updated. The videos were of Chuck E. and his 'crew' covering several famous songs like Flock of Seagulls' "I Ran So Far Away". THAT was funny...

Pizzas were eaten, burps were given and children were forgotten as the night progressed and the barefoot Appalachian-like parental neglect seemed more and more apparent. A little girl wearing nothing but a diaper and a small, flimsy dress ran by me and I tried to avoid touching her before an angry southern mother approached me and called me a pervert. The little girl started flailing her arms about like a maniac and without hesitation, punched me right in the balls.

Then we got to the really, really disturbing part of the night which was the part where the big rat man sang to children as the employees clapped their hands and tried to pep up the un-enthused crowd. An employee got up on her seat and said "WHEN I SAY HAPPY, YOU SAY BIRTHDAY.... HAPPY!" No one said a WORD and I literally laughed at her face. Then my little cousin started crying and I called it a night. The slogan should be changed from "Where a kid can be a kid" to "Where a parent can give two shits".

* yeah that's right... I said 'smush' and didn't intend it to be a Jersey Shore reference - SUE ME SNOOKI, YOU FAT, FUGLY PIG

Timeline of Baby Jonathan in the Music Industry

2011-07-22T17:06:00.000-07:00

First off, I should probably say that Baby Jonathan isn't a baby. He's five years old and can form complete sentences, show emotion and demand what pleases him and what doesn't please him in a pretty coherent way. But, for some reason my co-worker continues to refer her niece as 'Baby Jonathan' every time she has some funny story about him.

"Why do you call him Baby Jonathan?" I asked one day. "Don't you think that name will kind of get old?" (no pun intended)

She told me that she's called him Baby Jonathan since he was born and it's just what she refers to him as. This reminded me of other things that people do for so long, that they don't even realize that it stopped making sense years ago. Like jiggling a door key before you enter your house even though you're living in a different house you were in a decade ago, when it was actually necessary to do that.

Then I started thinking... What would a music producer do? He'd make this baby into a STAR! What Baby Jonathan is needing is a bit of consistency! So let's make up some names that Baby Jonathan can transform to throughout his life. It's guaranteed success!

Age 5: Infant Jonathan

This is totally appropriate because he's an infant! Infant Jonathan will be all that and a bag of chips in Japan.

Age 10: Prepubescent Jonathan

His balls haven't dropped but his album is about to! Catch Baby Jonathan's new record "Baby On Board" this Spring!

Age 13: Teenage Jonathan

Hormones are raging, and he's all the rage! Move over Justin Beaver because here comes the new teen heart throb.

Age 20: Sex Addict Jonathan

Oh no! Jonathan got a little too ahead of himself and now he's going to have to join the 12-step program. This means he'll come back next year with a Christian album along with a few religious tattoos. (double standard)

Age 32: Balding Jonathan

Jonathan's beautiful, brunette locks are falling out but that doesn't mean his fans are falling out of love with HIM! He's releasing a Greatest Hits record this Fall and it's sure to be a hit!

Age 45: Mid-life Crisis Jonathan

Awh crap, he's on the ledge.

Age 58: Old-But-Spunky Jonathan

Through all of his epiphanies and torment, he's finally come to terms with who he really is! This is the best Jonathan yet!

Age 65: Inaudible-But-Still-Respected Jonathan

Jonathan has done so much for the music industry! Who cares that his voice sounds like Bob Dylan farting into a tin can! He's still a legend!

Age 70: Drug-Overdose Jonathan

He will always be remembered! ;_;

Men's Restroom Etiquette Class

2011-07-21T17:50:00.000-07:00

Come gather, young etiquette and manners enthusiasts and bring your cups of tea along with you! Because today, I'm going to give you all a lesson in restroom etiquette. What? Huh? Yeah, that's right, I said restroom bitch tits. I'm not here to tell you tuck in your napkin or say 'please' and 'thank you'. All I ask is you take away a sense of not being a fucking weirdo in one of the most solace places.

So, tip numero uno: Don't talk on your cell phone while you're in a stall

This rule also goes for talking on your blue tooth next to someone by the urinal. (sidenote: blue tooths are not cool and have never been cool.) These types of events can get very confusing, and when you're in the stall - applying to Brown University - then think twice before chit-chatting on the phone because EVERYONE CAN FUCKING HEAR YOU.

Tip numero dos: Please don't try to strike a conversation while peeing next to someone

It's awkward enough that we both have our penises out and we're excreting fluids inches away from each other, so please don't make it even more awkward by asking me about the weather while I can still hear the splish splashing of your pee. Maybe I'm a prude and pee skeeves me out, but this is a rule everyone should just take. JUST TAKE IT!

Tip number tres: Whenever you're peeing, stop replicating an orgasm

Seriously, I can't count how many times I've been peeing beside someone then OUT OF NOWHERE, they just start moaning like they're Jenna Jameson or something. You're not a porn star so stop making me feel uncomfortable. Hahaha, the release of urine is not THAT great of a feeling guys, so calm down and stop grasping the wall.

Night of the Living Cockroaches

2011-07-20T16:12:00.000-07:00

Roaches. Little pieces of shit with legs and antennas.

Last night I set my head down to go to sleep, trying to avoid the rumbling train that always seems to wake me up in the middle of the night and there in front of my fucking face was one of the worst psychotic experiments God ever put on this Earth. I seriously think God got drunk one night with his other 'god' buddies (Buddha, Zeus, etc...) and thought it would be funny to put these sneaky vermin EVERYWHERE.

Buddha: Hey God, let's think up some crazy, fucked up shit.

God: Ahhhh, I don't know man hahahaha. Last time I did that with you, we created George Bush.

Buddha: Oh, come on! Let's do it for old time's sake.

Zeus: Yeah, don't be such a pussy dude.

God: Oh, okay.

Yup, that's exactly how it happened and don't even try to refute me.

Roaches have always been a problem in my house since I was younger and I always thought that there was a mountain of roach people, then one day a bunch of real estate agents came and raped/pillaged all of the roach people and built a bunch of pretty houses on top of the mountain. Now their unborn children and spirits haunt my house.

These aren't just regular roaches either! They're like super-efficient, mutated, evolutionized roaches with night vision and SWAT ropes. The other day I saw one in my kitchen and he was lingering on the floor, in the corner as I tried to sneak up behind him. Then he turned around because apparently I wasn't being cat-like enough. I steered my eyes over beside the little fucker and saw a shoe (roach's worst enemy). I looked at the shoe, then - I SWEAR TO GOD - the roach looked at the shoe too! Then he looked back at me with fortitude and fucking ran away. He knew what I was going to do! Curse you drunk God.

Things that exist for no reason

2011-07-19T10:20:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of excess luxuries floating around in this world we call America and I think we take advantage of every single one of them. "Huh? What's this? A bottle of oil? I'm sure this goes into my car with NO outside influence!" WRONG... I think we should all take a brazen look at our society and ask - "Is this really necessary?"

Cops on horses

What the flying assholes? Why does this exist, and not only does it exist, but for some even weirder reason, I only see cops on horses in mega-metropolis cities like New York or Houston. WE HAVE CARS AND SIRENS AND GUNS... Horses have been obsolete since someone first got into a car and said "hey this is a lot better, you guys. My ass doesn't hurt at all". But nope! For some reason, horses continue to gallop in unwanted places and I continue to see Mr. Ed when I go out to get my Chinese takeout.

Pizza Tracker

What ever happened to the good ol' days when we would cuddle up with a scary movie and the suggestion of ordering a pizza becomes an exciting rush of laziness. SOMEONE WILL BRING FOOD TO ME! But ordering a pizza should be exactly that, a rush of laziness and not a Goddamn SWAT mission. Why the hell do we have to know the GPS coordinates of the pizza man? Are we now treating pizzas like our teenage children? "WHERE WERE YOU... WHY DID YOU STOP AT SHANNON'S HOUSE". No. Let's just treat our pizzas like pizzas and let them get delivered spontaneously (but under thirty minutes) to our doorstep.

What I Learned in Las Vegas

2011-07-02T11:26:00.000-07:00

Hi guys!

Sorry for the lack of posting, I've been on vacation. (yes, I know that blogging is not a real job and it doesn't deserve a vacation but I'm tired and writing all these stories is actually semi-exhausting. Hey, at least I'm not a cole miner.) I went to Las Vegas, Nevada. The city of lost and tormented souls and oh boy did I learn a lot about the human species. Here's a list of things that I've learned just by walking down the street.

1. Being Homeless in Las Vegas is a Competition

Yup! It's true! Being homeless in Vegas is like being a desperate actor in line for a B-Rated movie audition. It seems like every three feet, there's a new and hopeless scoundrel showing off their minor talent while, all at the same time, there are another group of homeless baritones singing "Blue Moon" in beautiful harmony. But, I'd have to say the homeless folks that show the most courage and the most beauty are the absolute NUT CASES. For example, I saw a woman sitting down on the side of the sidewalk with snakes... SNAKES wrapped around her body and told me to come join her. I was curious enough and sat beside her.

Oh yeah, and she had a beard.

2. There Are Too Many Outlets for Lunatics

Let me explain what this means. In Las Vegas, every square inch is exposure, lights, horror and hilarity all strung together in a superimposed magnifying glass of society. There are a million outdoor karaoke bars, many people with microphones and small boom boxes just for the fuck of it, and last but not least (oh the horror) a small camera inside of a hotel where you only have to pay $7 to be projected on a massive screen outside. SEVEN DOLLARS. Any lunatic can gather up $7 and twiddle their fingers, knowing in the back of their head that the demon squirrels will have their voice heard finally! This isn't a very good thing but it certainly leads to many random quotes being yelled from the strip by people who should be admitted into Belleview.

3. Drunks are Drunks

Drunks aren't angry. Drunks aren't funny. Drunks aren't clever. Drunks are drunks and it will always be that way. The only for sure fact about drunk people is that they are over sensitive to any comment made. For example, at 2 am when I was walking back to my hotel I saw a woman crying in a wedding dress in the elevator crouched down on the floor. I entered the elevator of course, curious as to what she was crying about and why the hell she was in a wedding dress. A man was standing beside her telling her to shut up as he smoked a cigarette, letting the ashes fall on her. She looked at an ash stain, gasped and yelled "WHAT THE FUCK JOHNNY!" Then the man threw his cigarette on the ground, grabbed her by the neck and said "You shut your fucking mouth... you're a school teacher." I held in my laughter for as long as I could then the doors opened (not to my floor) and I ran outside laughing hysterically. God bless that couple.

Tuesday Movie Review: Super 8

2011-06-14T12:11:00.000-07:00

I know I usually do movie reviews on Mondays but I was busy yesterday, so shut up. I went to the the-ah-tarr with a buddy of mine to go see Super 8. We're big, big, big fans of Lost so of course we got excited that there was a promising monster movie written by one of the most original thinkers, J.J. Abrams, in Hollywood. NOPE. This movie kind of sucked and felt repetitive, almost like a children's prequel version to Cloverfield.

The movie stars four boys and a girl, all as awkward as the last but still kind of lazy child actors that may have been plucked off the deserted sets of Disney Channel's backlot studios. Anyway, the movie starts off with the four boys all making a monster movie and then they invite a girl to film with them (OMG SHE SAID YES) and they all gather at night in her Dad's stolen car to film by train tracks.

There's a fat kid... on the left.
And a skinny guy... on the right. THEY'RE BFFs.

Also they are very entertaining movie makers. I wanted so badly for an old 1920s, slick back Old Hollywood Producer to come up to the six of them acting like idiots and just take a puff of his cigar and say 'ya got talent kid'. Then proceed to just walk away with his hands rattling change in his pocket. Oh, and with a Jazz solo playing modestly in the background.

Back on topic, the kids make a movie and OMG a train crashes.

The movie then takes kind of a strange turn where the monster apparently fucking hates dogs? Dogs really hate this thing because when it step foot the dogs were like NOPE. They weren't having it, no sir they were not having it at all.

Then the monster starts to terrorize the town(cool jones over here) and he's just being a really big dick. Then it gets into a generic storyline where the guy who drove into the train was trying to FREE THE ALIEN SO HE CAN PHONE HOME.

So yeah, the monster beats up a bus and eats some army guys, then for some reason he falls in love with a water tower. Seriously, when he saw the water tower I think I heard some Barry Manilow playing. The monster has sex with the water tower pretty much and makes a nest beneath it but OOFAH, he's making a space ship because he's an alien!

The kids go in the water tower to save the dumb blonde girl that got kidnapped and the monster is about to chomp her head off then the little boy befriends him somehow? Where the hell did this alien get a heart of gold from? Why was he being such a dick earlier and now he's all puppy dog eyes. HAhaha, I really wish I could find a picture of the sad alien, it was kind of ridiculous.

So yeah alien flies away (haha what?) and he goes home I guess. The end.

Hahaha, it pretty much is Cloverfield, but with smaller people that run around and never get hurt and never cuss but the movie honestly wasn't that awful. It definitely kept me intrigued all the way through but it was just so silly. And fuck the theater for making me pay 12 dollars for LEATHER SEATS. They suck and made my ass sweat.

Kittens Kind of Changed My Life

2011-06-09T14:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes things happen in life for no particular reason and sometimes it just sucks. One of the inexplicably terrible aspects of being human and having our own ideas and thoughts is the idea of death itself. It's a scary thought isn't it? To simply cease to exist, and not only cease to exist, but to know that the world will continue to move about as you exit.

Many people become so accustomed to living their own life through their own eyes, they forget that others are living a life as well. Everyone is the star of their own movie, living every scene only as they would, thinking the importance of it is above all other importances. Above politics, economics, socialization and even family.

But, what I learned this past week was such a plotted out, detailed, gut-wrenching event, that all I could do is look away and accept it. Accept it as a part of life that will always happen. The shitty side.

I was at my grandma's house, which is down the street from my house, feeding a pack of kittens. One was black, one was grey and one was stunning, shining with a golden and orange-hued coat. They were all weary of strangers, hiding beneath the house like a pack of orphans who couldn't trust a soul.

Slowly, as the days dragged on, I gained their respect. I left out treats for the first couple of days and waited for them to come out, then slowly they eased into my presence. On the fourth day, they finally approached me willingly and one of them even ate out of my hand. I could feel the slight, wet flurry of tongues making my palm moist and clean of the snacks I had previously held. On the sixth day, they even followed me home and slept beneath my porch.

Then, one day the kittens stopped coming to my house and I stopped seeing them around the neighborhood, walking on the sidewalk with the playful exhuberance only a kitten could have. I didn't shed a tear, sully my face or fall into any kind of depression, really. The only feeling I had was one of slight worry. The worry was in the back of my head and didn't effect my tasks throughout the day. Work was fine, school was fine, social life was fine. But the absense of the kittens was inexplicatorily feeble. A weak memory that only processed mild concern.

Then, one day I was driving home from work and there on the road was the orange hued kitten, squashed on the street like a pancake. The brutal reality of life was there in front of me. Things can be cute and cuddly and warm, but when something falls into the naiivity of joy, they lose the reality of life.

I let out a slight gasp and remembered what Kurt Vonnegut said about death. So it goes.