cluelesstolove

cluelesstolove: YOU MAKE ME SICK!

2011-08-07T13:52:00.001-04:00

cluelesstolove: YOU MAKE ME SICK!: "YOU MAKE ME SICK?! What do you do when you love your significant other and they just make you sick? Meaning, for some reason everything the..."

YOU MAKE ME SICK!

2011-08-07T13:52:00.000-04:00

YOU MAKE ME SICK?!

What do you do when you love your significant other and they just make you sick? Meaning, for some reason everything they do, which used to be considered “cute” now annoys the shit out of you? Many of you will think the solution is to break-up however, you’ve realized breaking up or divorce isn’t want YOU want because you’re still in love with your partner. Therefore, the question again is why are they just so damn irritating lately?! Let’s explore...

Haven been in this situation as many have, I’ve realized that your mate’s ability to make you want to pummel them to the ground goes deeper then them leaving the toilet seat up. If you notice that your mate is complaining of the fact that EVERYTHING they do, lately seems to bother you, chances are what’s bothering you has little to do with the issue you ripped them a new a-hole for. I know you’ve heard this before, but it’s true, and that is “communication is the key!” Many times verbally and emotionally we hold on to what’s really troubling us in our relationships. We band-aid the issue, and let out our feelings during minute issues such as...

I’M THE MAID/YOU’RE A SLOB

This scenario is the case of the couple who are opposites when it’s comes to cleanliness. In the beginning of the relationship when Ms. Clean-freak found out her man was a slob, she dealt with it. She had no problems catering to her honey, and cleaning up after him here and there...however, now she’s screaming at the top of her lungs Saturday morning while wiping off the sticky juice he let sit on the kitchen counter, and cursing to high hell while picking up his underwear. So to accommodate his screaming girlfriend he’s started to clean up around the house quite a bit, but to his surprise, Ms. Clean-freak STILL finds issues with Mr. Slob about HOW he cleans?! What’s that about?

I’M A CHEF/YOU CAN’T COOK

In this case you knew when you met him he couldn’t do anything short of boil water, but you love to cook and had no problems catering to your man. You would whip up those 5 star dishes and just relish in the fact that your baby loved every morsel of your food...um well things have changed! The fact that he is SO useless in a kitchen irritates your soul. You start to complain that it would be nice to have a change for once, and have you be treated to a home cooked meal. The sound of him saying “did you cook?” makes you want to tell him “NO, did you cook m@!*?!.” Again I ask you, what’s that about? Why the sudden change?

BOYS /GIRLS NIGHT OUT

Remember when you met, and you had zero issues about the fact that your honey had his night with his friends, as well as you with yours? Well, now when he says “I’m going out” your attitude scale weighs in at about TEN! He comes home after a night with the guys, and you damn near give him silent treatment, but why? You NEVER had this problem before?

The Truth

The truth of the matter is that every aspect about the person you love and accepted about them from the beginning now irritates you to your core, but I’ve learned there are usually underlying larger issues to the minute ones we complain of. For instance, in the first scenario the girlfriend was picking up after her sloppy boyfriend and was really mad about it, which is natural overtime in a long-term relationship. However, even after the boyfriend started to help with the cleaning to alleviate the problem, she STILL found issues about his tidying method. The fact that there was still a problem after he tried, let’s you know that there’s really a larger issues going on. Those issues with us can range from being exhausted of playing the “mother role” or always having to be the grown up in the relationship, such as in always being the one to cook. The issues could range to feeling stagnate in a relationship, such as wanting to move, or get married and he’s not moving fast enough for you. If you have issues with the fact that he went out with the guys even after he spent the rest of the weekend dedicating his time to you, there are larger issues. Once again, it could range from the fact that 90% of the physical household responsibilities (kids, cleaning, cooking etc) fall on you, so him getting any free time irritates you. My point is, you should figure out the “REAL” reason behind your resentment and communicate them to your partner in a respectable way (leave all curse words out lol). If you choose not to express yourself, resentment builds and arguments become more frequent, which threatens the health of your relationship.

You're Taken? So What!

2011-05-05T14:40:00.001-04:00

You're Taken? So What!

I was in the house on a lovely Sunday afternoon hanging out with “the boyfriend” when the home phone rang (not the cell)...My boyfriend picked up the phone and was greeted by a male’s voice asking to talk to me...no this male was not a family relative but an ex-boyfriend from six years prior. As he handed me the phone, thoughts of confusion and anger ran through my head because I KNEW this looked bad.

“Hello” I said in a disgusted tone while the BF stared at me.

“Hey babygirl, how are you?!I Was that your man who answered?”

“Yes”....Cricket...Cricket....

“Oh ok , well give me a call when you can”....CLICK!

Now like Lucy I knew I had some explaining to do! Not only was I furious that this person felt it was okay to STILL call me knowing we weren’t friends, but he had the audacity to ask for me when he heard a male’s voice answer the phone! Once I calmed down I thought to myself, why do people find you more attractive when you’re taken? And why do certain people in committed relationships enable those interferences?

I really believe that that ex-lovers as well as random people we meet daily can smell the perfume of relationship ALL over someone once they become unavailable. In turn, there is something about a “taken” individual that ups the anti of attraction others have for them. Lets explore the fundamentals behind this ego driven concept. Many women will pursue a man knowing they’re in a relationship, and many men do the same. Now I’ve heard married people say that they’ve had more people approaching them when they wear their rings than without. Therefore, to test this theory out I went to two social events. One event I wore what appeared to be an engagement ring, and the other night I went ringless. Sure enough more men were prevalent the night I had on the ring! I had a steady string of fellas who did the across the room eye contact, as well as the courageous one’s who approached. I was with a friend who is also really married, and had her ring on. We got our drinks paid for, as well as our meal taken care of while we sat and talked. One of the men had on a ring as well, and yet no one brought up the “ring factor or relationship factor.” Again I ask, what is it about a person in a relationship that makes them so much more appealing? Furthermore, why do some people in relationships allow those outsiders in?

What is it About a Person in a Relationship That Makes Them So Much More Appealing?

The Challenge! The challenge of being able to conquer someone who’s heart belongs to another is an adrenaline rush like no other. The ego loves to be fed In both men and females, which is why cheating from both genders are statistically high. We not only view our partners as best-friends, BUT many times equate them to items which WE OWN or belong us. Where do you think the terms “MY husband, MY wife, and MY man/lady” originate from? Therefore, when a person or “prey” as I call them approaches you knowing you’re “taken,” they’re doing so partly because of this reason; They get a kick, sensation, high, or rush from getting the attention from a person who’s already bought and owned!

You’re In a “Situation, ME TOO!” This scenario is the most significant reason in my book. The prey is attracted to someone who CAN’T commit because neither can they; How could they when they are also in a relationship. Therefore, the prey actually approaches a taken person because they feel you’ll are on equal playing ground. Meaning, IF we decide to connect, there’s an “understanding.” The first agreement in the arrangement is that both sides have something to lose, which are their significant others, families etc. Therefore, no one will jepordize their current partners or have “relationship” expectations; It’s strictly business. The second assumption is knowing that the “hook-up” is about one thing only...SEX! (like you didn’t already know). In their mind if you’re taken, your “relationship” together is less of a headache! This brings me to the last “understanding” and that’s the fact that there are NO expectations of doing relationship things, such as calling them everyday or providing gifts on holidays. THE ONLY THING NEEDED IN THIS SITUATION AGAIN IS...yes that’s right SEX!

NO STRINGS ATTACHED! Okay people, this is self-explanatory and doesn’t take much breaking down. Your prey is attracted to you because they have zero desire to be a committed relationship at this point in their life. Therefore, instead of dating another single person who will eventually want a commitment, they go after the type of person who meets their desires for a non-committal situation.

The “Wife/Husband” Appeal! This is the scenario of “intrigue,” meaning your prey wants to find out; What is it about you that captured the heart of YOUR current partner? They want to know what qualities do you attain that made a person marry you? The problem I find here is that IF you decide to cheat with your prey; The rate of your prey falling in deep “like, lust or love” is higher. This situation can lead to serious repercussions when your prey starts to have relationship expectations that you can’t give. They will possibly want you to leave your significant other for them or get vindictive and sabotage your relationship with your partner. Right now I have a married friend who is in this situation. I can say from what was shared with me that they are very stressed by their prey right now. They are still very much in love with their spouse, cheated out of shear boredom, but has ZERO plans of leaving their marriage. What they thought would be a one time thing has turned into the movie Fatal Attraction. My friend is now scared of the repercussions and wishes they never would’ve bitten the forbidden fruit. My advice here was; IF there is a next time God forbid, make sure you pick a person who has the same interest as you...NO STRINGS ATTACHED!

In situations like this, I feel the ONLY person who’s responsible for having loyalty is the person who’s in a relationship. The fact that some people have zero issues pursuing someone else’s seconds is an immoral or “grimy” act. However, they are NOT in a relationship with your partner and owe them no moral judgement. WHO DOES owe them that respect is you, therefore it’s up to you to like the attention BUT walk away. IF you choose to fall for the bait, be prepared for the consequences IF you get caught.

The Ultimate Betrayal: His Side of The Story

2011-02-22T13:26:00.000-05:00

“The Ultimate Betrayal” was inspired by a factual event and was written in the women’s perspective. I had the pleasure of knowing the man involved and I got to hear his perspective which was refreshing. He was able to answer the questions most women have when it comes to cheating:

Was your girlfriend lacking anything which made you stray?

He explained that his lady did absolutely nothing wrong and is perfect in his eyes. They’ve been together for 10 years, and besides normal relationship spats, they have a great relationship.

Do you even feel regret for what you’ve done?

He feels torn up inside and doesn’t want to hurt her. His lady is also pregnant in her 1st trimester right now and he doesn’t want to cause her stress...However, he knows he has to tell her SOON and give her the option to decide what direction she wants to go. He also knows telling her before she finds out is better.

Why did you do it?

He doesn’t know why he did it...That answer doesn’t satisfy me and I’m going to write it off to plain old boredom! He said his lady is perfect, so why cheat? I feel men just need variety and some men act on those desires while others maintain self-control.

Who do you want to be with?

He has zero intentions of being with the other girl, even though she’s been his side chic for some time. He said he feels ashamed BECAUSE he knows this will devastate his woman.

Did you ever think the grass was greener and thought about leaving your lady?

Leaving her was never a thought...

The Ultimate Betrayal

2011-02-22T13:00:00.001-05:00

Cheating has been going on since man and woman were created, and it will continue to happen. Jesse James, Tiger Woods, Sean P-Diddy Combs, Eric Benet (Halle Berry can’t win), and even the young Chris Brown have this in common. I’m positive that you know of people who have cheated and who’ve been cheated on. Unfortunately this is a common issue in many relationships, and NO ONE is exempt from this possibly happening to them. However, the first two questions most women want to know when confronted with this issue is: Do you love her? Did you use protection? The revelation that you’re “in love” with another woman OR that you put our health at risk and didn’t “wrap it up” delivers devastating blows! We will want to grab YOUR valuables to break, throw at you, and hurt you because that’s how heart wrenching finding out that type of news can be. We think it can’t possibly get any worse until...We find out “she is pregnant” with your child?

Another woman having your baby is the ULTIMATE betrayal to us. We would rather you have a one night stand then to find out you’re having an “emotional affair” with another woman. We are possessive over who we love, and we need the affirmation of knowing we are THE ONLY woman to claim your heart. Therefore, if you have a long standing affair with another woman that means she now has a piece of what “we feel” belongs to us. Furthermore, creating a life with her is now a constant reminder of that connection. The baby is apart of you; A life that we didn’t create together, and this other woman will ALWAYS have a piece of you. All of these thoughts race through our head because we’re discovering that what we THOUGHT we had...Doesn’t FULLY belong to us. Even though finding out if you’re cheating IS an issue that’s hard to forgive, it is possible to work through that if we decide to stay. We figure working the relationship out is possible because this other person has no ties to you and can easily be erased from the picture. That idea however isn’t possible with a baby around. Another child forces that other woman to have a role in your life, which is something many of us can’t handle. Every-time we would “have” to see the other woman’s child, it would break our hearts again, because we’re reminded of your infidelity. Topple that with the fact that you put our health at risk and allowed another woman to connect that close with you.

Is it possible to work a relationship out when a “love-child” is involved? I think yes because I know of couples who have. However, it’s a long road ahead back to happiness. The trust is completely gone, and a relationship with no trust isn’t a healthy one. If the man is willing to endure the arguments, her snide remarks, tracking his every move, jealousy, and excessively possessive ways in the beginning then they might make it to the other side. Question is do you think the relationship is worth saving? As a woman you have to ask yourself: Are you going to put in the work it takes to get back to a good place? I say this because it isn’t only him that has to put in the effort. You have decide is he worth your time, and what do you want for YOURSELF. With maturity I now believe that trusting someone isn’t believing that they’ll never break your heart, it’s the notion of knowing they’ll TRY their best not to do it. People are fallible and they do make mistakes; You just have to decide what’s your limit.

*Note: I used the picture of Diddy and then pregnant girlfriend Kim Porter because she was carrying his daughters while his “side chic” was pregnant with his child. The kids are five months apart, and they shortly broke up after this revelation. He has cheated many times, but I guess the revelation of him creating a baby with another woman, was too much for her to bare.

It's JUST A DAY!

2011-02-17T01:48:00.000-05:00

On Valentines day I stated on my facebook page, "make today as you should everyday, celebrating the ones you love and not just who you're in love with." I felt good about that statement because even though V-day is a just a bullshit "holiday" glorified to make us spend money, IT IS ABOUT LOVE. However, my facebook status was updated later after I saw so many annoying status updates either glorifying or bashing the idea of V-day. The last straw was a phone call I got from a good friend of mine, and she was at war with her boyfriend because he didn't make the day "special enough." At that point my FB posts was updated and now stated;"Why does this day make single people feel the need to stress how good they are alone? Makes lonely people want to cry? AND couples try to impress? it's just a day!!!"
I understand a women's need to want romance and the need to feel special...I get that because most of us are ruled by our emotions and we love the feeling of being swept off our feet. We also love attention and there's no better day then "love day" where we'll feel both of those things at one time. However, ladies our emotions should NOT rule our brains to a point where we allow a BS holiday to cause tension in our relationships! I will tell you what I told my friend; "How does he treat you on a daily basis? That is what counts, not the day!" Her response made her check herself because guess what?...HE'S A GREAT MAN who treats her well through and through! With that being said, I had single friends who labeled V-day as Single Awareness Day (SAD) and I found it extremely ironic that the initials spelled out SAD. The fact that single women have to create a day like that to prove they're "happy" about being single is sad!!! Ladies again I say IT'S JUST A DAY. Regardless of your relationship status you should be comfortable enough in your own skin to feel good about YOU and who you are. A DAY DOES NOT DEFINE WHO YOU ARE. Therefore, if you're in a relationship; What he buys you on valentine's day doesn't define who he is to you. If you're single, creating a day to celebrate that doesn't equate to who you are, it just means your love hasn't found you. When the timing is right, love will come, and I HOPE you enjoy the love holiday. However, don't let it skew your vision of the great person you have in front of you, if the day doesn't turn out to be "perfect."

*Words of advice- Don't stress the day, feel blessed and appreciate all the loved ones you have in your life 365 days of the year.

Destructive Relationships: When 2 Leave?

2011-02-12T16:18:00.002-05:00

You should leave that *?@#! (Staying “politically correct”)

Three subjects you should never discuss with random people such as co-workers are religion, politics, and money. Well, you can add “leaving your significant other” to the TOP 3 un-discussable’s because this subject can cause all types of strife! Every women or man has had that friend you’ve felt sorry for or have called stupid because they chose to stay in a relationship YOU deem negative. We as the friend have struggled with telling that person how we really feel because we know it could lead to the demise of our friendship. We KNOW that telling someone else to leave who they love can have backfiring consequences, so we USUALLY stay “mum” about it unless we feel; 1. It’s a state of emergency OR 2. We have a huge set of balls! Yes, true friends should be able to tell you the truth and vice versa, but this subject turns us into a bunch of liars. We will be that listening ear to our troubled friend, shoulder to cry on, and even give basic advice about their relationship...BUT you will RARELY hear us telling them leave their partner! Even talking about this subject randomly in a group when it isn’t pertaining to anyone causes drama. One should never broach these four subjects unless you’re ready for a debate. This topic ALWAYS has differences of opinion and causes arguments because; As the saying goes,“what’s good for the goose, isn’t necessarily good for the gander.” Therefore, what you deem unacceptable in a relationship might be perfectly fine for the next...question is what are the UNIVERSAL relationship deal breakers?

I’ve decided to get personal with this article by incorporating two different relationships I know of. Depending on who you are, you’ll feel this person’s scenario is either capable of staying OR leaving their relationship, you decide. However, 1 of the 2 will be the “universal relationship deal breaker” and you tell me why that is. (*Due to confidentiality names have been changed; My team is my inspiration)

Faith

Since I was sixteen years old, being in love has been my drug. I’m in my “low 30’s” and have only been in three relationships in a span of seventeen years...Yes I said only 3! Hey what can I say, dating multiple guys, partying, and playing the scene have never been my thing. I guess that aspect of my life makes me a serial relationship whore, because I am addicted to it. Either way my story is about one of my most profound relationships which lasted 13 long and tumultuous years...Hopefully you don’t judge too harshly, but either way I always say, if you don’t pay my bills, what you think doesn’t matter!

I was only 17 when I met Mike and was still in a relationship with boyfriend #2. Therefore, I thought he was only going to be “something fun to do.” I really loved BF# 2 but he had broken my heart a year prior when he bounced on me after I became pregnant. He eventually came back around and I forgave him, but things were never fully the same. Therefore, I had zero remorse creeping behind his back with pretty boy Mike as I like to call him. Anyway, Mike was also 17 and already had a son with his girlfriend a.k.a. his “baby momma!” Therefore, I just knew I wasn’t going to fall for this dude because we both had “a situation” and his was a headache I wasn’t willing to flex on. Unfortunately, us females and our emotions RULE OUR HEART because I was unable to separate lust and love...I don’t know if it was his confidence, humor, or how well he “laid down the pipe” but like Alicia Keys I had fallen. BF# 2 was a has-been by this point and all I wanted, was to be with Mike! His feelings became mutual, and we became a couple after he cut off Ms. Baby-momma...or so I thought. Two years into our relationship I found out she was carrying his second child and I was totally devastated. I went from a size 8 to a size 2 from the stress because I refuse to let him go. That BITCH also refused to let him go even though he made it clear he wanted to be with me. Therefore, you know what that means...THE DRAMA began! Let’s just say me and her were clear about our feelings for each other and she made it clear I was to never have contact with her children. This idea was funny to me because the chic wasn’t a real mother and never took care of her first kid. Furthermore, I didn’t want to be around the new baby anyway because it was a constant reminder of what they created together. The Menage`a trois bickering and fighting between all of us proved to be too much at times...but I still refused to let go. The trust issues I had with him were just the cherry on the sundae and caused even more tension; But still I held on. Through all the trials and tribulations I forgave him. I knew he really loved me and despite the infidelity he treated me well. In “OUR” relationship he treated me with respect when he spoke, was always there for me when I needed him, romantic, and spoiled me with attention and the material things I’m accustomed to having. Not to mention the loving was on point! If it wasn’t for what he did with that heifer he would be damn near perfect. So I weighed the type of man he was when he was with me, listened to the apologies he showered me with, and accepted the promises he made. He told me it was over with her and I’m who he wanted. He told me SHE was the mistake, and that this would never happen again...True or not, that’s when I learned not only how blind love can be, but how powerful love is...I chose to stay with him.

Robyn

I’ve always been about “my business” and never really had much time for dating. Succeeding in school and finding a career with a great retirement plan was my focus. The few times I have dated and I mean few, (I can count on one hand) those dudes fizzled by the waste side. Me not dating a lot also has something to do with the fact that I seem to have a stamp written on my forehead which reads “I ACCPET ALL JERKS!” I’ve never had the pleasure of dating someone who’s all mine. I’ve never dated someone who’s made me a priority or who has treated me exceptionally well. My parents are still happily married so NO I don’t have “daddy issues,” I just seem to attract losers. I realize what my parents have is the kind of girl I am, but I’ve never in my 30 + years experienced or came close to having what they have...until I met Damon.

From the moment I met Damon he spoiled me. He was almost 20 years my senior (but literally looked 30) and treated me as a grown-ass man should I believed. We went out a lot and became inseparable from the start. He had some baggage; two children and two baby-mommas, but he made it be known that I was the woman he wanted to be with. Therefore, I looked past all of that and accepted him into my life. Furthermore, I was always around his son and his family so I felt secure enough to know that his past was just that...A chapter he closed. I spent countless hours at his mom’s house and Everything was gravy for the first three months...and then his mask slowly came off. He had a good job that he quit, began drinking heavily, pulling disappearing acts, and ALWAYS had a strange story a.k.a. lies to tell for his alibi. Through all the strange behavior and even after he totaled my car due to his drinking; I stayed because I thought he loved me, and he proved so when he proposed! I later found out I was pregnant and he was ecstatic. However, the engagement nor the baby I was carrying made a huge impact at improving his behavior. He was nowhere to be found when I went into labor or had my son. Shortly after he was born a bomb was dropped on me. A good friend of mine found out some news about Damon. He didn’t have 2 kids like he told me, he had 6 kids and different baby mommas stashed all over the place. He only claimed two kids but took care of one! The son he did take care of happened to be his fiance`s child; YES you heard right, his fiance! Apparently he was engaged to someone else our entire three year relationship. Adding insult to injury, every-time I was around his mother’s house a young girl he claimed was his ex-girlfriends’s daughter would greet me and Damon by our first name...I later found out that young girl was HIS daughter. The job he claimed he quit, he was fired from for beating up another girlfriend he had while engaged to me and the other chic. He was seeing this third woman when we first met, and she caught HIM cheating on her, in HER bed! I was shocked by the revelation that he beat her up because he had never laid a hand on me...yet. Anyway the woman he put in the hospital had a father who was a cop. He pressed charges which got Damon fired from the job, he told ME he quit. Essentially everything Damon told me was a lie as if he was a sociopath. I also found out that he had numerous relationships besides the two women I found out about. Now I know what you’re thinking; This situation sounds like a fucking Lifetime movie and I need to RUN from this situation! However you feel, I did what I thought was best for me. After plenty of denial from Damon and even him “strangling me” due to his frustration that I knew the truth, he finally admitted to everything. He begged for my forgiveness and I thought about the son we just had. Now judge me however you want, but I took him back because I wasn’t ready to leave...Just yet.

I already know judgements were flying while many of you read along. Maybe you were thinking they’re stupid for staying, weak, and have low self-esteem. However, if there is one thing that I’ve learned in my life experiences is to “never say never.” Life has a funny way of putting you in situations you never thought you would find yourself in. Therefore, opinions are fine and you can say “how you think” you would react, but you just never know what you’ll do when you’re “in love.” Love has a way of turning your “never’s” into “maybes.” Furthermore, having children with a person who has done you wrong also complicates your decision to leave. You now have ties to this person who’s done you wrong and the thought of breaking up your family makes your choices difficult. I also realize that every person determines when they’ve had enough of the negative energy that’s happening in their relationship. Many times people do NOT leave the minute they’re wronged by their partner, and the explanation is simple. At one moment they were actually good to you. We tend to hold on to the great memories of what we shared with our partners. We hold on to the memories of love, which in turn causes us to weigh the good and bad when we’re thinking; “Should I leave? Should I end this?” We ponder is our relationship solvable because we grasp onto the great memories that person once showered us with. With that being said, it’s easy to tell the next person to leave when you’re not the one who once loved and shared great moments with that person. I do think there is a moment when you should leave and certain situations are way past being saved. However, a person has to come to grips with that themselves. The choice to leave is never simple, but it can be done.

Universal Relationship deal breakers

When there is continuous abuse of any sort; Physical or mental
When a person has you constantly doubting yourself to a point where you begin to lose your confidence and your spirit (this goes with abuse). Once a person has you feeling so low that you can’t recognize yourself, it’s time for change.

In the Beginning/THE END

2011-02-09T23:32:00.002-05:00

<3-In the beginning they make everyday a good day. #TheFeelingGetsNObetter

</3-In the end; They ARE the nuisance in your day!. #UmakeMEsick!

<3-In the beginning Friday can't come fast enough...#YaOnaNaturalHigh

</3-In the end the thought of spending a weekend w/them is unfathomable. #FOH!

<3-In the beginning all their quirks are adorable and make you smile. #:D

</3-In the end those quirks they have DISGUST you. #YouWant2slapFireOutTheirA$$!

<3-In the beginning you only let them see the "best of you." You only see the "best of them." #TheMask

</3-In the end ALL you see is the worst of them and it’s a grotesque sight! #EverythingWasALLgoodJustaWeekAgo

<3-In the beginning arguments are few to none. #LikePeaches&Cream

</3-In the end it's "The War of the Roses living up in your house." #Lose/LoseSituation

<3-In the beginning you'll do anything and what's mine is yours.

</3-In the end your attitude is; What's mine is MINE! Now leave with everything YOU came with!

<3-In the beginning you care about their wants&needs in the relationship. #YouWantCheeseWithThat? #YOUcanHaveITyourWay!

</3-In the end you only WANT&NEED them to get the F*c! Out of your life!

<3 Tip-The real work isn't in the beginning or ending. The REAL work starts in the middle once those masks come off.

HE’S A JERK/SHE’S A FOOL

2011-02-09T23:04:00.000-05:00

<3-He's a jerk if he let's his ego get in the way of what he really feels for her. #HumbleYOURself!

<3-She's a fool if she thinks the amount of his bank account is ALL that matters. #SheGotdaGameTwisted!

<3-He's a jerk if he's SO self-centered, he can't even recognize a good thing. #Blind.

<3-She's a fool if she thinks the dude on the side is the "grass being greener." #HoneyTakeit4WhatitIs!

<3-He's a Jerk if he lies to you...especially for trivial shit! #Dishonesty=Immaturity #YaNOTready!

<3-She's a fool if she turns to her friends for ALL her relationship problems between you two. Communication should lye with HIM or HER! #Growup!

<3-He's a JERK if his priorities are unbalanced; Having a fly whip and living in ya momma's house is a NO GO! #Stupid!

<3-She's a fool if she thinks acting like she's "dumb" is attractive. #IntelligenceisSexy! #TryIT!

<3-He's a jerk if he spends 90 percent of his time clubbing or with his friends; He just left ample room for you to DO YOU. #HowstheOTHERdudeTreatingYou?!

<3-She's a fool if she can't be totally independent from YOU. #IndependenceISsexxy! #GrownWomenStatus!

<3-He's a jerk if he can't apologize when he’s wrong; Learn to be truly apologetic and we're GOOD! #SomeDudesJustdontgetIT

<3-She's a fool if she gives her ALL to someone who's undeserved of anything she has to give; #LookInTHEmirror!

<3-He's a JERK if comes out the side of his face w/smart comments when U do EVERYTHING 4 him..well YOU should stop doing all you do!

HE/SHE is THE 1! Love Has Arrived...

2011-02-05T03:15:00.000-05:00

<3- He's the 1 when you STILL find his stinka$$ adorable...no other compares. #DamnHesGotMyHeart

<3- She's the 1 you want 2 come home too after a long day...the 1 you see a future with. #SheMakesEverythingBetter

<3- He's the 1 you find yourself fantasizing about...

#YouWant2doalltypesof s*h!

<3- She's the 1that makes you want to"dead" all the rest...the others just don't compare. #DamnShe’sGotYourHeart

<3- He's the 1 that makes you feel like laying in bed... WITH HIM all day. #SundaysNeverFeltSoooGood

<3- She's the one when you have zero problems farting, having bad breath, &"Going 2 the bathroom" around her. #ShelovesME'n'WHAT!

<3- He’s the one that makes you feel comfortable in your own skin...#IneverKnewAloveLikeTHIS!

<3- She's the 1 that looks even more beautiful to you without make-up, because she’s just a beautiful person... #IveNeverFeltlikeThis4aWomen

<3- He's the 1 that makes you want to try "new things"... just 4 him.

<3- She's the 1 you want to see again...again and AGAIN. #LifeWouldntBeTheSamewithoutHER

<3- He's the 1 that makes a bad day NOT matter. #YourRock

<3- She's the 1 when you find yourself thinking about her 4 no reason. #DamnShesTHATgood!

<3- HE or SHE is the one when you can’t wait until the weekend to see them... #DamnThisHighFeelsGoooood!

<3- Don't be Scared/Embrace it/Take a Chance/and Float...

HE/SHE is NOT the 1!

2011-02-05T02:28:00.003-05:00

*Feel free to add on to the "unsuccessful love connect -must knows!"

</3- He's SHOULDN'T be the 1 if he can't provide, protect, make you laugh, or give good "oooooo." #WomenWillsettleb4aMANdoes #Don’t!

</3- She's NOT the 1 if she doesn't have it ALL...your freak, savior (RIDE or DIE chick!), can cook (not optional 4 most dudes of color), or has loyalty. #Damn!

</3- He's NOT the 1 if he has no swag or charm! #NOsexAPPEAL!

</3- She's NOT the 1 if you KNOW she's "legendary" to a lot of men! #CantbringHerHome2mommy!

</3- He's NOT the 1 if you think he's a punk or can't hold his own. #UcantProtectMe! #TheSexWILLbeWack!

</3- She's NOT the 1 when her convo can't hold your interest...you’re thinking “STFU and drop ya draws!” #ThenBeGone!

</3- He's NOT the 1 when you talk about how corny his a$$ is to all your friends...#TheySTILLmakeYOU!

</3- She's NOT the 1 when you DON'T care if your homie "hit that!" In fact you passed her along as a favor! #ShesGood4oneThing!

</3- He's NOT the 1 when you call who you're REALLY thinking about the 2nd your date is over! #DistractionFromWhoUreallyWant!

</3- She's NOT the 1 when you have zero issues telling your boys how she is in bed! #ShehadZeroPersonality! #OhwellNext!

</3- He's NOT the 1 when you only call him as a LAST resort! #ImBored!

</3- She's NOT the 1 when she has the ability 2 F*c? your brains out BUT you still don't "like" her. #AnnoyingButAgoodLay!

</3- He's NOT the 1 when he's perfect "on paper" but you still can't stomach him! #ThingsThatMakeUgoHmmmmmmm....!
twitter.com

PART III. HE SAID/SHE SAID- "Why WOMEN cheat?"

2011-01-18T01:20:00.006-05:00

*This video says it ALL!

ALL MEN ARE DOGS/Women are saints?

Men always get a bad wrap for being “players” or cheating on their significant others...BUT guess what...WOMEN CHEAT ALSO! Of course its not all women, but it’s a lot more then we would ever admit. Many women either have cheated, thought about cheating, been on the brink of cheating, are currently cheating OR knows a girlfriend who has! Yes that’s right, I said it because it’s true. Women are just smarter creatures and usually don’t get caught; Therefore it “APPEARS” as if men are the only species double dipping! However, there are clear differences as to why men “monkey around,” and why women do it. I’m going to discuss the driving force behind OUR actions and give the men a break. So buckle up, and let’s enjoy this mental ride!

*Note: This article doesn’t apply to the serial cheaters and women with sexual issues such as having a sexual addiction, therefore you cheat to sooth that desire. Those issues are another topic! This is for the “average” everyday relationships.

What drives us into the arms of another?

I can’t stress enough that women are emotional creatures. Truth is even us alpha females have an emotional side. You might not see it often, but it’s there. This emotional trait is especially apparent when we’re in love, and drives many of the decisions and choices we make in our relationships. Therefore if and when we “cheat” it’s usually not for the same physical reasons of why a man does it. In fact cheating doesn’t have to be a physical thing for us! YES, that’s right fellas, I said cheating DOESN’T have to be physical!! Having an affair can be mental stimulation for us with another guy, and you’ll see what I mean as I discuss further. Just let that aspect of mental cheating sink in. IF we decide to step out of bounds in our relationship, it’s because our emotions drives us to. There are four main reasons as to why a woman would cheat, and all of those reasons intertwine with each other, and are emotionally driven. The four cheating factors are:

Lack of attention
Feeling taken for granted/ feeling unappreciated
Boredom...
Stress caused by him/ THE PAYBACK

~Lack of Attention

Mental Cheating comes into play with this factor. We require A LOT from a man emotionally, and as taxing as it could be to a guy, we STILL need it. Many of us say “I don’t ask for much, and all I want is...(feel in the blanks)”; But actually we do need a lot when it comes from our partner whether we want to admit it or not. And if you think you’re a “piece of cake” just ask your significant other...he might tell the truth if he’s brave! Not only do we want a good faithful man that meets at least 80 percent of our criteria, but he has to cater to our emotional needs as well. Reality is we LOVE attention in all forms! We love compliments, affection, and like to feel just plain ol’ special! Just like Rhianna stated, “make me feel like the only girl in the world.” Yes ladies that’s what we like, but guess what it requires WORK on their part. In the beginning of our relationships, which I call the floating on air phase, our men have no problems completing the task us “attention whores” require. However, as time moves on and the fog clears, they tend to “fall off” when it comes to feeding our attention egos. Honestly sometimes who can blame them? Relationships are like a second job on both ends, and we should be able to claim each other on our taxes as dependents twice a year! We require a lot of attention, and I can understand how that can become exhausting. However, we feel “how you got us, is how you keep us.” Yes men, as selfish as that might sound, that’s the truth for you! Therefore, when your woman feels she’s not getting your undivided attention, she’ll “talk” to you about it, because she loves you and wants to YOU to fix the issue. In fact we’ll express ourselves a lot, which you’ll call “nagging.” Anyhow, we expect you to listen and fix the problem, but if you don’t...well you leave room for another man to swoop in like a vulture and do what you don’t! The vulture will give her enough compliments to last a lifetime, and make her feel totally desirable. He will give her that feeling that she felt when she first fell in love with you. At this point in the game, she is mentally cheating and flirting through the technological evils of text, email, and Facebook, or with that cute co-worker...She’s being mentally sexed by the next dude and flirting with the possibility of making it a physical relationship. Her decision of taking this mental affair to the next level depends on how quick YOU get it together and recognize that she ONLY wants this attention from you and no one else. Fellas the key to sustaining a longterm relationship is to every once in awhile remind her WHY she fell in love with you! Bring home her favorite flowers, cupcakes, cook for her, tell her she looks fine as hell today, and do whatever else you did in the beginning to make her feel special. If you don’t, in the words of a friend of mine “you leave the doors open for the devil to walk in!”

~Feeling Taken for granted/Unappreciated

This element of course intertwines with lack of attention. Whenever we feel like we’re not getting the attention us divas need, we blame it on the fact that “you take us for granted.” I’ve had many conversations with various friends on this topic, and at some point we’ve ALL felt this way. Many of us recall how appreciative our partners were when we cooked a great meal or did anything special for them. However, somewhere along the way we realized, hey where’s the “thank you babe” and sweet talk we used to get?! Instead we get zero appreciation and disagreements or arguments begin to surface. Whenever a woman feels as if she goes above and beyond to provide the needs and wants of her partner and get’s no recognition for it...It infuriates us!!! AGAIN we will do the one thing you hate and that’s “talk” to you about it. If the behavior continues, well say hello to Mr. Devil!

~Boredom!

Lack of attention and feeling unappreciated invites cousin boredom right into your relationship. If you’re not paying her any attention then the excitement we STILL need is missing. Lack of attention equates to little communication and “affection” on our part. All of this is a recipe for disaster and leads to overall monotony in relationships. Boredom makes the mind wander, and again invites outsiders in.

~Stress caused by him/THE PAYBACK

Stress from your man can be due to many things including the three cheating elements I discussed. The situation goes from being a problem to being stressful when no change is happening. Our minds and imagination begin to run wild, and our #1 thought is “are you cheating?!” We start to assume you of cheating because we figure if you’re not paying us any mind, nor do you care to change knowing it hurts us, then WHO are you giving your attention to? Who is fulfilling your needs if we’re not? All of these questions that have now seeped into our brains have invited that devil in your relationship. Trust is now an issue on top of boredom, multiplied by lack of attention, divided by little to no communication, plus no affection. Now after we’re finished playing detective in order to find out WHY you’re “not that into us” anymore, let’s HOPE you’re not cheating. If you are, and IF she decides to stay and work things out...just know that many women can be vindictive. I don’t know what kind of lady you have, but if she believes in the “payback” then she will equal the score! If the other three elements didn’t drive her to cheat, the stress from you cheating WILL be the cherry on the sundae. There is absolutely nothing like a women scorned and fed up! If we feel emotionally raped, we will seek refuge elsewhere, and sometimes it’s in the arms of another...It’s a new day and women can be just as grimy as men; You better believe it.

Men if you fit the description of anything I discussed, and choose to remain the same...you’ve been warned. If you notice her not talking about the issue of her needs anymore as if she could careless that’s a red flag. If she always seems distracted, and is never affectionate those are beyond red flags. By this point you won’t know that she’s meeting up for lunch or afterwork drinks with whomever...and doing whatever...

Where are all the good single men&women? "THEY STILL MAKE YOU?!"

2011-01-07T16:55:00.001-05:00

Dedicated to the pessimist----->optimist

Part III of "HE SAID/SHE SAID; what drives people to cheat?" was supposed to be my next article. Although I will still blog that topic, I've decided to deviate from the plan. The driving force behind this decision is of course due to the inspiration of my lovely friends. I received a humorous a text from one of my male friends saying, "T please help me, these women are killing me SLOW." After I finished LMAOOO, we had a heart to heart "TEXT convo" (SMH@technology!) on what exactly the problem was. The conversation made me realize what I thought all along and that is; Good single men...(YES I SAID GOOD AND MAN IN THE SAME SENTENCE) do exist! They're not extinct and YES mother nature STILL makes them! Not only were my beliefs of that justified, but I discovered they have the same issues we have dating, which is finding a "normal" person. By normal, I mean someone who has their head on straight in all areas, has a great personality, and someone you can make a true connection with. All of these qualities are VERY difficult to find dating today, and many single people have become pessimistic when it comes to finding that "special someone." However, I also learned that people have to start thinking outside the box and kill what they THINK their ideal person is. They also have to pay attention to red flags, such as insecurity issues. During our conversation we spoke about these things and he still wasn't optimistic. He stated, "I just want to be with someone, and be comfortable...but it's whatever, grad school and work will keep me busy." The minute he said that I felt like Renee Zellwigger in Jerry Mcguire, because he had me at hello! My humanitarian side kicked in, and I wanted to help. I thought of the perfect person for him, and knew I had to call her! With that being said, I sold him like a man in a cheap business suit to a girlfriend of mine, whose also lost hope. Therefore, this mission wasn't easy, and I had my hands full. I'm gald to report that a true connection was made, thus inspiring this article. I honestly believe that sometimes God puts people in your life in order to bring someone else in. If bringing them together was his purpose for me, then so be it. I say, USE ME UP! Most importantly, I believe these two people made a connection because they chose to look outside the box at the thought of meeting blindly; Gravitating away from the norm is a quality many are afraid to do. They INSPIRED one another because they chose to be their authentic selves, which is also a quality lacking in many.

These two aren't in love yet of course, but have found hope again. They didn't think they could find someone who is smart, funny, attractive, family orientated, and ambitious; All of important things they were searching for. If you still don't feel inspired that it's possible to find "the one," please read the comment a "blogee" left on one of my articles:

Written by "Alpha Man"
"A lot of women make the claim that they can't find a good man. They usually make this statement to their real cool male friend who they talk to at work. Or the guy who is real cool with them that they chat with on facebook from time to time. This guy doesn't own a business. He isn't a lawyer. He doesn't play for the Knicks. He isn't finishing his rotation in med school. Instead, this guy works for UPS. This guy fills the vending machines for office buildings. This guy works for some random company. This isn't the dude who stops traffic with his looks. He doesn't have a 6 pack. He isn't 6'3. But you know what... he is a good man. So I will never ascribe to the notion that there are no good men out there. That is a bunch of bull. There are plenty of good men that get passed over every single day. I can tell you dozens of stories of good men (a lot I know from my fraternity brothers) who have so much love to give but never are given the time of day because they don't fit the picture image that a lot of women have in their heads. I have a female friend at my church who is extremely attractive. She is a lawyer and very successful. She owns her own home, owns her own car, frequents the gym and loves to travel. She said she wanted a good man. She was approached by a brother at our church that EVERYONE passed over. He isn't fine. He looks okay I guess but he stutters a lot. So it is difficult talking to him at times because you want to be polite and wait for him to get it out. But this brother has a good heart. So he approached her and asked her out. She went. On their first date, they sat up by the waterfront where we live and talked until the sun came up. She called me to tell me about it and said that he isnt normally her type so she was so confused as to what to do. I told her to follow her heart. The next day, she had a delivery of flowers (not just any flower but her favorite flower) to her job. She had BRIEFLY mentioned to him what her favorite flower is and he paid attention. Remember, this is the not cute stutterer. He had a lot of love to give but nobody would allow him to because they kept looking for the "good" man. To make a long story short, I was happy to receive their wedding announcement in the mail. Not only that, he spent 20K on her diamond boulder ring. Oh, he also had a lot of money to give but nobody gave him the chance. I was happy to attend their house warming in their new crib. And I was even happier to visit them in the hospital a few months ago to see their new baby girl. There are so many stories like this that I can share because I see them all the time or hear them from my brothers or male friends. My point? I think a lot of women pass over good men and a lot of women PURSUE what they see as a good man and they waste a lot of time. How about not going to lounges or clubs looking for a real man. What can you expect to find in a club??? How about church? How about Proverbs - a good man FINDS a wife and obtains favor from the Lord. I do like the social gathering at a friend's home though because you are more in control of the element invited. A club will bring knucleheads dressed up like "good" men. Sorry I got longwinded."

The moral of the story is if you're single out there BECOME INSPIRED! Don't be afraid to venture away from that list you own, which has all the qualities of your ideal mate. Try new ways when it comes to meeting people. Base your ideals of a "quality person" by their morals and great personality. Be your authentic self, and kill the the superficiality ideals you have unless you want to attract "the fake." If you want love based on a deeper connection, you have to learn to look within first. Once you do that, everything else good will follow.

December 27, 2010 1:20 PM

PART II. of HE SAID/SHE SAID...I'M IN LOVE W/THE "OTHER PERSON..."

2011-01-04T01:20:00.003-05:00

Now that we know the distinction of home-wrecker hierarchy, we can move on to the topic no faithful husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend ever wants to be faced with; What happens when your partner falls in love with the "other person?" This topic was at the center of the debate I had with a girlfriend of mine. Her take was that even though women are emotional creatures, there are many cases when MEN fall in love with their mistress. Please note that I stated "mistress" because men do NOT fall in love with jump-off's and side-pieces. However, if a jump-off or side-piece beat the odds, and managed to sleep her way to the "top" ranking of the mistress...then okay. This topic has so many dimensions and I'm going to try and cover each one.

Imagine you're the person being cheated on by your spouse. You find out by snooping, facebook, email, cell-phone, or any other technological relationship killer. You confront your partner with all the questions you have once you're done flipping out. Here are some of those questions YOU BETTER get the answers to.

When men cheat women want to know...DETAILS! We have questions within our top 5 questions; pay attention.

How long has this been going on?!- Men there are many few times that women are totally shocked when finding out about affairs. We are inquisitive, intuitive, and nosey by nature. Therefore before we confront men about the b#t*!, we've already utilized our inspector gadget skills to find out quite a bit of information. Furthermore fellas, if you have a very bold woman on your hands, you can guarantee she's already called or confronted the other woman. When we ask this question as well as many others, we probably already know the answer. We just want to see if you have the audacity to keep lying! Secondly, the time frame of your indiscretions matter because we begin to compile your lies. We start thinking about all the times you told us you were working late, at the gym, or running errands. We start to imagine all of those errands as being your alibi and the periods in which you were creeping! Lastly, the time period also gives us an idea of how important "that chic" means to you. We're trying to assess if there's an emotional connection, thus letting us know where we stand in the situation. The time period gives us an idea if the home wrecker has a emotional hold on you.
Who is she (inside we're thinking does she look better than me?)?!- Once we know that the other woman isn't anyone we know (if your woman knows her, just bob and weave her slaps and hide YOUR breakables) We must know what the witch looks like! Due to technological advances we've probably figured that out also. If facebook, myspace, or pics to your phone didn't tell us, we probably found her number, ran a scam, and figured out her residence. Men are you scared??? Well you should be because we are resourceful and smart! Many men are sloppy when it comes to cheating, so "cracking the case" tends to be easy. However fellas, this is a lose lose situation because, if she doesn't look better than your woman you're going to feel her wrath. Expect a one-way screaming match of her yelling "that's the whore you cheated on me with, muthaf#$%#!". However secretly we don't want her to look better, we actually want her as ugly as possible so we can feel we're better about about being cheated on. As twisted as this sounds it's the truth. Therefore if you're going to cheat, ugly is the way to go in our eyes. If she looks better than us, you'll have more of a price to pay, so be ready for that! Lastly we want to know her success level such as what kind of career she has. Now men if you haven't figured it out already, yes we are secretly wishing she's a loser!! Why? Well we want to know that "THIS BITCH has NOTHING on us!" All of those details give us ammunition for those classic wig out/flip out/scream at the top of our lungs moments.
Where did you meet her?- We probably know this answer when we cracked the case like an episode of Law&Order. We're just trying to assess will you lie about it. However, if we don't know how you met her, there IS NO RIGHT ANSWER! Just know that whatever place or location you say, you won't be allowed there anymore IF she forgives you. In fact you won't be allowed much of anywhere, so I hope you like being home bound. If she's a co-worker, well damn I feel sorry for you! Either you'll be finding another job or she'll be popping up and calling your workplace often.
DO YOU LOVE HER? (Is the sex better than ours?) , which is knowing this information won't do anything but make us feel worse. So don't even say "she's just different" because we'll want to know how so?! Plead the fifth, and tell that "white lie." Remember you've already been caught cheating so need to make matters worse by telling her a useless detail.
Who do you want to be with?- Many women will proclaim that cheating is a deal breaker. However, when we're faced with this head on in LONG-TERM relationships we consider staying, we just don't tell you that! We want you to sweat, and feel like you're losing the best thing that's ever happened to you. But first and foremost we need to know WHERE IS YOUR HEART? We not only want to know you still love us, but to once again know "she's not important" to you. Once we know your heart lies with us, we now start to weigh the good qualities our relationship once had. We measure how good you were up until this point. Ladies when thinking about those qualities know that there's a difference between a man who's a serial cheater and a man who has an affair (I'll get into that topic another time). However, I will tell you this; If you are a man who's cheated once, that doesn't make you "dog" or a bad guy. In fact, there are some men who are faithful, have always treated their lady right, but yet found themselves in this situation. With that being said, many women weigh these qualities of their man and consider staying and working the relationship out. Deciding to give things another try doesn't make you weak in this situation. (*If your man is abusive or your relationship is dysfunctional then LEAVE).

When women cheat&actually get caught men want to know...VERY LITTLE DETAILS! Their questions are straight forward and to the point.

Who is he, where is he from?- Now that you've stomped your man's ego to the ground, he's trying to pick up those pieces. One way in which he tries to do this is by finding out what kind of "dude were you sexing." He's concerned with knowing who he is, does he know him, and where he's from. Your man will take this information and assess if your "other guy" is punk, douchbag, or cornball based on what he does for a living and how much money he makes. Even if your man KNOWS he's leaving you, he wants to leave you in the hands of this "wack douchbag" to let you know; YOU lost a good man. If he decides to stay based on circumstances, just know that men are way less forgiving than we are, and spiteful becomes their first name.

How long have you've been sleeping with him?- Knowing this information gives him insight as to how long "he was being played." Unlike us, he doesn't want the details of knowing was the sex great or not. The thought of another man having sex with "his woman" already makes him want to kill you and the other guy. The realization that another man was "blowing your back out" is enough to make him catch a life sentence, so NO he doesn't want sexual details.

Do you love "the dude?"- If your man can get past the fact that you let another man touch you, then this question will come up. Cheating for us is a double standard and a lot men are not as forgiving as we are. Therefore, this question is less likely. However, if the question arises and the answer is "yes," they know they've basically lost us. Again the reason being is that by nature we're emotional beings, and once we love our hearts are now tied to that person.

The "other women"- There are always three sides to a story; His side, hers, and the truth! Therefore, I had to write about the perspective of the mistress. There are two different types of mistresses; The ones who seek men in relationships and the ones who claim they "never knew he was involved."
The seekers are the women who claim they like the title of mistress, because they receive better treatment than the wife. They claim that financially and sexually their needs are being met and they're satisfied. Most profess they love dating men who are taken because they don't have to deal with the responsibilities of a household. My take is, being the mistress starts off "exciting" or "fun"but years of this behavior just exposes the issues she has. Trust issues and low self-worth are usually at the forefront once she decides to examine why she chooses to be secondary. Once she realizes she is worth a full commitment, being a mistress becomes un-fulfilling to her needs.

The women who claim they never knew they were mistresses CHOSE not to see the red flags. If family holidays such as Christmas come around and he never dedicates those days to you, he's probably in a relationship. If you've never spent any of those days with his family, only has his cell-phone number and he rarely answers when you call he's probably with someone else. If you've never spent weekends or weeknights at his place than your THE OTHER WOMAN! If he doesn't allow you access into the details of his life; The access wives and girlfriends get than you're the other women...period! Therefore, I don't accept the idea that they didn't know. I believe these women also suffer with low self-esteem and stay with men like that because they don't think they deserve more.

The "other man"- Unlike the mistresses, the men are very different. Ego's rule here and they love the fact that they're freaking another man's woman. Their egos are fed because of the fact that you keep coming back. They know they have a sexual control over you, which leaves them like a pig in mud! The other man enjoys the opportunity to get his needs met with NO STRINGS ATTACHED. Home-wrecking men are able to be unemotional and it's highly unlikely that they'll fall in love with you. They're usually strictly in it for the fun and the thrills!

I hope I brought some enlightenment to this very complicated issue. In part I of he said/she said I ended with questions I hopefully answered.
So lets re-cap: Moving up the home-wrecker hierarchy ladder is rare but possible. Every cheating situation is NOT the same and deciding to end a relationship depends on the circumstances surrounding the infidelity. Now "what drives a mate to cheat?" will be the final topic for Part III of He Said/She Said. Stay tuned...

PART I. of HE SAID/SHE SAID..."The difference between a jump-off, side-piece&the MISTRESS."

2010-12-29T17:22:00.002-05:00

The topic of cheating on your spouse has sparked so much conversation lately. So much so that I'm going create a three-part blog post in order to address every issue around this complicated situation. Now I know what you're thinking and that is; What complications? Cheating is cheating! However, that is not the case because every scandalous "affair" is actually very different depending on the title of the "other person." I recently got into a great debate with a close friend who argued that many men DO fall in love with "the other woman." My argument was yes falling for "her" can happen but it's rare! We went back and forth for awhile until we realized we were arguing about different scenarios. I was debating the "jump-off "or "side-piece" and she was referring to the MISTRESS. This revelation led me to the fact that MANY people aren't aware that each of these titles aren't equatable. Each position ranks differently in a cheating situation. Jump-offs, side-pieces, and mistresses hold a hierarchy position with the person whose stepping outside of their relationship. One of these titles can possibly get "royalty treatment" while the other position receives "peasant treatment." So, before I launch the topic of why people cheat and do they ever leave who they're with for the other person; Let's discuss "Home-wrecker Hierarchy."

"the jump-off": There really isn't much to say about this character because they mean NOTHING and are quickly forgotten once the "act" is over. Fact is in many cases you don't even know this person's last name (depending on how drunk you won't know their 1st name) or do you care to know anything about them! This my friend is the peasant, the bottom of the barrel, and the crabs of the sea. Where do you meet these crabs? Well usually in any late night hangout spot like bars and clubs. This is the person you started flirting with, touching, kissing, and talking sex with...ALL of the inappropriate things you don't do when you're in a relationship! Now somewhere along the lines of flirting you've decided that you want to bang this person and your list of reasons are diverse, but that's a whole other topic...Anyway once you've decided that fact you KNOW you can't bring them back to your place because you're in a relationship and this person can't know where you leave. You have zero interest to really go to their place, because that's still too close for comfort and you're NOT spending the night. ALL YOU WANT to do is bang, explode, and JUMP OFF..NOTHING more, NOTHING less. Therefore, having sex with jump-offs tend to be in random places like the bathroom or your car. This person only has potential to be the "one nighter" a.k.a. the jump-off!

"The side-piece": We've now stepped up a notch ladies and gentleman; The side-piece is the person who caught you off guard! This is the person you either thought was going to be the jump-off but parlayed their way into seeing you more than once...kinda of like Glenn Close in fatal attraction minus her going nuts. This can also be the person you've known for awhile and have always wanted to "boing" but the timing was never right. Now let's be clear; Yes we've risen a notch in class level but this person still doesn't get the royalty treatment. They will not receive great gifts, flowers, or be financially taken care of. They will not get phone-calls from the cheater while they're at work (only call from work if your smart) or get much attention beyond a text once a week; which lets them know what day they can "hook-up." However, the side-piece is more than your average jump-off because they get more than "1 night." Recognize that if you're a side-piece you WILL get more than one night, but the situation WON'T last that long. It's still strictly "business" and the person doing the cheating gets bored after awhile if you have nothing to offer but sex. Many times this is why someone in a relationship chooses to have a side-piece; they tend to have multiple side-pieces, the way most people like multiple sides on their dinner plate. If sex is the only gratification the person wants, then trust and know that most times variety is key!
* Note- Cheaters who indulge in side-piece relationships tend to be serial cheaters, but again that's another topic, another article.

"THE MISTRESS": We're moving on up like George and Weezy Jefferson baby! This is the woman or MAN that makes your spouse scared to the pit of their stomach. This person in many cases gets better treatment than the spouse. The mistress is getting the person the "spouse fell in love with". The mistress many times receives thoughtful gifts, phone calls, and attention the spouse "USED TO GET". The Queen-B doesn't have to worry about the stressful responsibilities of a house-hold or their lover being argumentative, ungrateful, or nagging. This relationship is a fairytale to an "authentic monogamous relationship" and that's why the cheater keeps the mistress around! The mistress is a break from the real life stress that comes with long-term relationships. The mistress gets the name "home-wrecker" because they have the ability to destroy a relationship by getting their lover to emotionally connect. They have the ability to keep the man coming back for YEARS in some cases. The MISTRESS has the ability to do what every spouse fears...and that is to make their lover actually care about them. In worse case scenario they can even get their lover to fall in love with them. Mistresses hold a certain level of power...

Now that we're done with the breakdown of these titles many questions can still arise such as:

Can a person move up or down in title?
Does a person ever leave their spouse for these people?
What drives a person to cheat?
Is cheating ever the spouses fault?
Should cheating be a deal breaker in relationships?
Is every cheating situation different?

*All of these questions will be addressed in part.11 and part.III. I will say this though- "Show me the beginning and I'll show you the end." Meaning normally the way a relationship starts is how it ends. Therefore, if it started off scandalous don't expect the fairytale ending.

FRIENDS W/"BENEFITS"-the GOOD, the BAD, the UGLY

2010-12-28T13:33:00.001-05:00

The Good
It's a Saturday night...Your single. Leaving the club, bar, or lounge. You're most likely tipsy or drunk and you do the ONLY logical thing. You start drunk texting the one person who can solve that "itch" you're feeling. The ONE person that can relieve the stress from your work week and give you that "good good." After all the sex texting is said and done, you'll meet up and do what you came to do! Now the best part of this transaction is that you walk away with no strings attached. Therefore cuddling, sleeping over, or even having a conversation beyond "thanks, talk to you later" are responsibilities you don't have to deal with. Most likely the next time you see this person, it will be under the same circumstances and there's nothing wrong with that UNTIL...

The Bad
The relationship of being"Hump buddies" usually goes awry because of ONE specific reason:
"Catching Feelings"- This is the reason why friends with benefits relationships go bad or demise. Somewhere along the way while you thought you were just "having fun" and getting your needs met, the other person started falling in love with you! However, you were unaware of this until it blew up in your face...and when did this happen? Well the minute that person started giving you attitude because they didn't get a phone call the next day, complained "you only call me when you want some," OR wants to hangout DURING THE DAY! Yes all of sudden this person wants to be treated as your girlfriend or boyfriend which leaves you confused because, a monogamist relationship is NOT what you signed up for. And I hate to say this but 9 times out of 10 (some men but very few) ladies are the ones catching feelings, and the reason is simply nature. Women are emotional beings and sex IS an emotional act contrary to what most men think. Therefore as much as SOME women try to keep hump buddies a strictly platonic relationship, many times they fall short. Now I will say this; Not ALL women are like this. Of course there ARE some "Sex in The City Samantha's" out there who love nothing more than to have sex and bounce! However that situation tends to be rare. The question is what do you do once your partner falls for you and you're not feeling the same??? Well as the saying goes you "GET THE F*%! OUT OF DODGE!" No good can come from stringing a person along, because if you do THEN...

The UGLY
Now if you decided to play with fire because, the sex is so good that you can't give up your buddy who now has feelings for you, here are some problems you can expect; Phone stalk calling which is when someone constantly calls you to the point of blowing up your phone. So much so that you turn it off and now they leave you a million voicemails. If this person knows where you live/work you can now expect random pop-ups at your house and job. Expect attitude, rage, and tantrums after you have sex and try to leave OR asks them to leave. Expect them to go through your phone contacts and call the opposite sex, and randomly go through your belongings. Last but not least expect to see their face in spots you frequently hang-out!!! SO if you have the BALLS to handle all of this, just keep that buddy around who now loves you...YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

Moral of the story is if you're single, having friends with benefits is perfectly fine as long as you practice safe sex (because unwanted pregnancy and diseases can definitely damper the mood) and ARE ON THE SAME PAGE about the "relationship."

SAY IT ISN'T SO PART II. #INTERNET DATING TIPS!

2010-12-27T13:13:00.001-05:00

Due to the inspiration of my lovely friends and the conversations we have I wanted to add "internet dating tips". If you're single I'm sure you know that finding "THE ONE" is a HUSTLE! With that being said that means you have to exhaust every dating facet available to find that special someone, even internet dating...Now If you don't like internet dating I understand that. However if you lost your job and couldn't find a steady one to save your life, what would you do??? You would find diverse means to make money, such as having 2 to 3 small end jobs! Well the same goes for dating in today's society. You MUST utilize more than one method when it comes to dating, and the internet is the "main hustle." So if you're thinking of giving online dating a try OR is currently trying, but haven't been successful; Here are some tips:

Pick a reputable online dating site! The saying "you get what you pay for" is true so leave the free sites alone. Your chances of finding a quality individual looking for a serious relationship are higher on "paid websites." People who are serious will spend the money it takes vs. Joe Smo whose only looking for a hook-up and joins the free sites.
Establish rules: If a connection isn't made via email etc. than don't go on a date hoping the person will magically change and be different! Only go on dates with connections made over the net. Always meet a person at the designated dating spot just incase the date is disappointing. This allows you to leave at anytime to avoid putting up with a smuck ALL NIGHT!
Allow low-scale dates for the FIRST date: Again we're in a recession and the days of big spending on multiple dates are over and men are cautious. Therefore, once you connect over the net, agree to meet for coffee, lunch, or after-work drinks to gauge whether there's a face to face connection. I guarantee you if there is, no real man will have a problem investing in future upscale dates. And fellas if you find the "one" and invest wisely the payback is always worth it!

*Websites to try that have been successful:
#1 is Match.com- Even if you don't find your partner here you can still get some good dates, meaning less nut-jobs seem to join this site.
#2 is Chemistry.com- similar to match, I would suggest browsing profiles for free of each and join the site that has the most potential matches for you.
#3 are sites with "interest themes"- Singleparent.com or sites like Christian.com are great for finding people who have those similar interest.

WHAT THE F*#! HAPPENED TO OUR SEX LIFE?

2010-12-27T01:26:00.001-05:00

Does your significant other feel more like your "BFF" than your partner because the sex has dwindled?
Reminiscing about what that "new love feeling" felt like?
Remembering the days when all you did was daydream about them, and couldn't wait to rip their clothes off?
Thinking about those work weeks that had you "feenin like jodeci" for Friday to come so you could see them, kiss, hug, and *** them?

I'm talking about that feeling when you just couldn't get enough!!!! OKAY...so where did that feeling go and why have you gone from sexing like rabbits to sexing once to twice a month??? There are a couple of explanations as to why you have cob-webs growing in your private area and here they are:

1. KIDS ARE THE OFFICIAL "COCK" BLOCKERS! Chances are if you're raising children together the sex has taken a nose dive. Raising children are exhausting and leaves you little energy at the end of the day. Some men view the mothers of their child differently after giving birth, such as looking at them more as a respectful Catholic school nun instead of " stripper Tammy". However I say don't let kids sway your outlook. Men you fell in love with slutty Tammy in the bedroom and that shouldn't change just because she had a baby, we still like to feel desirable and vice-versa for the women. Ladies don't turn into Timid Tammy just because you're a mommy, be a MILF and get it "poppin" with your man! As for being too tired for sex...try morning sex after a good nights rest and the kiddies are still sleeping. Also while the kids are occupied playing, you can usually slip away for 10minutes without them noticing and slip in a GREAT quickie.

2. VENUS vs. MARS: Men and Women are different in every way and that includes S.E.X. Once we find that dude we see ourselves marrying because he takes care of all our needs; Specifically in the "bedroom", WE. ARE. GOOD! If the sex is great, he is all we want and need andBOREDOM doesn't enter our mind in the sex department, because he's "puttin it on us". BUT men, men, MEN are completely different! Our kitty-kats and love-making skills can still be just as fabulous as it was in the beginning plus we still look good and they'll grow bored of us. Why you ask? Men grow bored of the same pu$$y regardless of how great it is. I'll never forget what an "Old G" told me and that is "show me a beautiful face, and I'll show you a guy whose tired of fucking her!" So since we can't build ourselves a new vagina, I say we have to be CREATIVE! Get the heels on, role-play, learn some new moves, take a stripper course and make him miss you! Go away on that annual vacation with your girls, comeback renewed and ready to put it on HIM!

Ladies and Gents this period of monotony is normal in long-term relationships and will pass if you invest and re-invent yourself by trying new things in your relationship. If you have a good person for a partner who clearly shows you they still love you although the sex is lacking, you'll be fine.

IS FINDING A DATE THE "OL' SCHOOL" WAY EXTINCT? SAY IT ISN'T SO~

2010-12-26T23:42:00.001-05:00

Oh boy! I remember when going out and meeting someone with POTENTIAL (i.e. attractive, has a job, respectful, at least willing to pay for the date) was an easy task. Pick any lounge, mall, club, or even gas station in NYC and you could find "a date for Friday night." However the economy isn't the only thing that suffered in the recession! I have a bunch of single (good-looking I might add) friends who complain they can't find a date. All I hear is "where are all the good dudes at? They MUST be in jail or dead because I go out and see nothing but lames!" My available male friends complain also..."I keep meeting the chic who has CRAZY issues or who doesn't have anything going for herself!" I will say and admit this: YES GOING OUT and finding a date "worth your time" is harder to find, and here are the TOP 3 reasons why:

1. THE INTERNET! Online social and dating networks have made people become more reclusive. Many men don't have to approach women in social settings anymore at the fear of putting up with the rejection line "I gotta man". And why should they when they can go home, log onto any dating/networking website and find a slew of woman winking, flirting, and emailing them. Technology is great but it has caused a generation of "socially challenged" people. Picking up the phone to "talk" is outdated just as meeting a new person face to face is also.

2. NO JOBS=NO $ FOR DATES! Contrary to popular beliefs, we're still in a recession. 1/2 of this country is currently unemployed and a large part of the working class don't make enough money to splurge. Therefore, ladies those days of having multiple dates in 1 week at the expense of a man are O.V. E. R. Most regular dudes can't afford to take four chics out a month furthermore multiple women in 1 week! When talking with my guy friends, they told me point blank they're only willing to spend $$$ on a date if she's "wifey material". Meaning, the woman has to have qualities they're looking for in a long-term relationship, and they've already made a connection with her. Very few are even willing to spend "doe" just because they know a woman is a "GTF" (girl to f*ck); They stated "we can find a girl willing to do that for free surfing the net." #WOW!

3. THE I'M A STAR EPIDEMIC! If you've been to a club, lounge, or any large social gathering lately chances are the scene left you irritated with you saying to yourself "how did I meet NO ONE when there were so many people there?!" I'll tell you why, many people who attend these events have mistaken themselves for celebrities; Meaning they don't venture outside of their entourages to introduce themselves, socialize, or get to know people. It's almost has if they expect you to know who they are already. Many times they instead talk, dance, eat, drink, and "pop bottles" ONLY within their circles. If you're in a club or lounge setting, chances are many people inside are wearing "star studded shades" so making eye contact and flirting across the room is OUT THE QUESTION.

Should I deliver the good or bad news 1st?...The bad news is meeting a quality person to date via' going out is VERY difficult nowadays. This concept isn't going to change as long as the internet social networking sites that intrigue us all still exists. The internet has taken social networking and dating to another level and that prospect isn't going to change. However, the good news is it's STILL possible to meet someone without the use of the internet. One of the best ways are through mutual friends, which is how I met my partner. Many people have friends of the opposite sex that are great people but were never a "match" for them personally. "Hooking" up or introducing that friend to your other friend by throwing a house party, spades party, dinner, or gathering is a great strategy. Having a house gathering also promotes socialization because the setting is intimate. It allows friends, and friends of friends to come to your house and meet each-other in a non-pretentious comfortable environment. Also a significant amount of people found their partners where they spend most of their time, and that's at work. If you are comfortable dating someone at your job, it can be a great place to meet someone. However, proceed with caution and establish "dating co-worker rules" for yourself when venturing there because it's your J.O.B. and a bad date with a co-worker can make the workplace awkward.