Clues to the College Blues

Effects of dropping out of college

2009-10-20T17:18:00.001-06:00

From my perspective as a former college instructor and more recent mentor to college dropouts, four different sets of effects can follow dropping out of college. Two sets of repercussions are negative and two are positive. There's some choices you can make personally in this and some facets that may offer no choice at all.

Some college students have parents and siblings who are egomaniacs. These ego trippers see dropping out of college as something only "real losers" do. It's a clear cut issue with no middle ground in their minds. These family members will stigmatize dropouts for life as "obvious quitters who did not have what it takes to succeed in life". If this abuse gets internalized into the students' own identities, there's lots of trouble ahead for the former students. They will live inside an imposed story with no apparent escape. It will seem obvious to them that they are lacking traits, endurance and motivation. They will sell themselves short and expect things to work out better for others than themselves. They will be overly receptive to criticism and putdowns while shying away from praise and admiration. They will hang out with others who are in the same boat and pass up opportunities to outgrow the identity they acquired from ego tripping family members. For these students, dropping out of college is very costly in many more ways than financial terms.

Some college students over-estimate their abilities and set their goals too high. College will repeatedly burst their bubble and defeat their ambitions. The students will get the impression they are not trying hard enough. They will attempt to study more for tests, put in more hours on assignments and do whatever it takes to get better grades. Yet no matter what they do to stay in school, everything appears to work against them. Working under so much pressure, they will forget to look after their registration and financial aid details before it's too late. They will space out appointments and lose their keys or cellphone. The countless ways they mess up will result in their flunking out of college. These students will leave with chip on their shoulder. They will continually "go for the gold while complaining about their situation". Their continual sense of persecution will undermine their striving to get better jobs, income, housing and possessions. They will predictably try too hard to make a good impression, to get a promotion or to make a sale. When they flunked out, they learned "you cannot win in life no matter how hard you try". They didn't learn to set realistic goals and be satisfied with meeting them.

Some college students make realistic appraisals of their abilities and motivations. They realize they don't have what it takes to succeed in their chosen college major and career. The process of not finding themselves among all those college offerings and challenges works out well for them. They come to know themselves better by how they differ from those who do fit into college impressively. They become more attuned to their own natural interests and intrinsic motivations. They realize what they can do with feeling, soul or passion. They're happy to start at the bottom and work their way up because the work itself seems so rewarding. They find entry-level positions to get their foot in the door. There they meet others with similar passions, overhear inspiring conversations and see the inner workings of this field that lights their fire. They end up "knowing the business" better than college grads. They make a bigger difference to the field, to colleagues and to other people's lives with their phenomenal motivation.

Some college students realize that college is not working for them. They have a clear sense of what does and does not work for them. When something is not working for them, they fix it, change it or find something else that does work for them. These students are not fixated on making a lot of money or appearing prosperous to others. They are fascinated by how things work and how to make them work better. They realize that honing their sense of what works for them gives them insights into what works for others. They have what it takes to invent new products, formulate new services and launch innovative business models. Working together with others, they will see how to solve some of the problems, smooth out the processes and combine efforts more effectively. They will also spend their money on what works for them, not for show or lavish escapes. They will look back on dropping out of the college as one of the best decisions they ever made. It launched their life long commitment to doing what works for them and others.

From these four sets of effects, you can see it's not the actual "dropping out of college" that sets up the future. There's something going on in the situation at the time that becomes a life long pattern for better or for worse.

Cost cutting can backfire

2009-09-11T08:16:00.001-06:00

Answer #10 to the question: Why are college costs soaring?

Trying to save some money can cost us more money in the long run. Cutting costs can backfire. Instead of reducing costs, the cost-saving measures increase the costs. Lots of colleges and universities are caught up in this pattern. The more they try to reduce the costs of attending college, the more their efforts end up raising tuition and student fees.

When a solution to a problem backfires and makes a bigger problem, we usually don't realize what is the real problem. We have in mind trying harder to get results, which only makes things worse. We don't see we are "part of the problem" and nothing we do will provide a real solution. It's as if we're trying to put out a fire by pouring gasoline on the flames. We're grabbing more beach towels to dry off when we're standing in the rain. We're driving the car faster when a tire has gone flat.

When we become"part of the solution", we stop trying harder and start trying smarter. We get the message in what's going wrong and try something different. We lose confidence in what we're trying to do and gain curiosity about what is missing or misperceived. We change our mind before we make another go at changing the world. That usually requires admitting a mistake, which can be very difficult to do.

The high cost of relentless centralization

2009-09-10T08:11:00.000-06:00

Answer #9 to the question: Why are college costs soaring?

When we go on long car trips, we rely on a decentralized organization that makes the trip affordable. We utilize the network of gas stations for fuel, snacks and rest rooms. We patronize a network of restaurants or grocery stores for meals away from home. We also deploy nodes in a network of motels, hotels and campgrounds for overnight lodging. The trip is affordable because we do not need to own, manage or staff all those places we stop at.

Colleges and universities are structured like car trips that only make stops at places it controls. Every facet of the journey is administrated from the top of the hierarchy. Every service is staffed, managed and supplied from headquarters. When something gets decided in the remote location, the authority to make that decision has been delegated from the central command. It's like limiting one's car trip to gas stations, restaurants and lodging owned by your family. You'd also need to own a huge number of stops for every trip you might take.

Centralized structures cannot decentralize without losing their sense of purpose. They assume that "all is lost" when they lose control, rely on unrelated services or partner with unqualified contributors. They cling to a perceived necessity of centralized controls and ownership, even though it "makes the trip too costly". Centralized structures maintain their controls "at all costs" even when they soar out of sight.

Broken business models leak cash

2009-09-09T08:20:00.000-06:00

Answer #8 to the question: Why are college costs soaring?

When any business model is broken, the customers are not satisfied with what they get for their money. The employees are wringing their hands in frustration. The managers have too many problems on their plates to solve any effectively. Problems with no easy solutions are multiplying and crises become a common occurrence. With so many things going wrong, survival of the enterprise is in jeopardy. It appears this is a time to "spare no expense" to restore order and get things back on track. Enterprises with broken business models hemorrhage cash profusely.

Business models become broken for many different reasons. Here's a few that colleges and universities are experiencing:

Dramatic changes in what the customers need, want and expect for their time, effort and money
Introduction of new technologies that change the rules of the game, not just save time and expense
New rivals that raise the bar, change the standards or deliver superior quality at a lesser price
High turnover in top leadership positions where the newest execs are still learning the ropes when they get replaced
Confusion among those who deliver and use the formerly reliable services because of so many policy revisions and reorganizations
Grandiose pronouncements about significant improvements that never materialize which make everyone more cynical
Blatant attempts to bribe the customers to they stick around by dishing out freebies, swag and token efforts

When things get this crazy for a college or university, there's no way to calm down enough to address soaring costs issues. Everyone is frantic, scatterbrained and stressed out. It appears that spending less money will looking like quitting, giving up the fight or admitting defeat. They feel compelled to spend big bucks to make a big impression that covers up the broken business model that's leaking cash rapidly.

Structured for continual cost increases

2009-09-08T08:43:00.000-06:00

Answer #7 to the question: Why are college costs soaring?

When we put someone on a pedestal, we respect, admire, and perhaps envy, that person. We perceive the individual as more powerful, capable and resourceful than ourselves. We look up to that person and may seek to become like him or her someday. In the meantime, we expect that someone to solve their own problems without our help. We safely assume there's no way we could play at their level or take control of a situation involving that person.

Counseling psychologists have many ways to describe the relationship between the person put on a pedestal and the one looking up when problems are not getting solved. The pair of individuals are a combination of:

idealized and demonized
overpowering and powerless
self reliant and morbidly dependent
condescending and self effacing
superior and inferior
distancing and rejected
aggressive and passive
abusive and persecuted

There is a kind of organizational structure built out of these relationship patterns called "bureaucratic hierarchies". They consist of many layers of management to be lower than and looking up at. They create structures for people to be the underling without getting criticized or terminated for being powerless, inferior, passive, etc. People in these kinds of relationships are in no mood to solve problems together. It's inconceivable there could be a collaboration to successfully save money, lower costs and become more efficient. Most people believe those issues should be handled by higher ups. They're convinced they are not in a position of power or authority to take charge of big problems like that.

Most colleges and universities are structured as bureaucratic hierarchies. They contain layers of management from the president at the top down to the part time faculty at the bottom. Everyone except the top person is in a position to pass the buck, hide behind their job description and expect higher ups to solve the problems. Solutions that require teamwork, cooperation and intense communication across levels get stuck in committee. Everyone makes excuses for dropping the ball, neglecting responsibilities and failing to follow through. Bureaucratic hierarchies are structured to produce continual cost increases.

Arrested development costs a fortune

2009-09-07T08:33:00.002-06:00

Answer #6 to the question: Why are college costs soaring?

Some enterprises are called "learning organizations". Learning is not what they sell to students, it's what they do to succeed in their markets. Learning organizations realize their context is changing too fast not to continually learn more. Learning organizations realize it's unknown to them what problems their customers are solving or what their fans care about most. They also discover they have lots to learn about their own employees, as well as their suppliers, rivals, and surrounding communities.

Learning organizations discover ways to save money and keep costs from soaring out of sight. They learn enough about their customers to find ways to cut corners without compromising satisfaction. They learn how to give employees the feeling of being understood, respected and valued which leads to phenomenal suggestions, initiatives and follow through to contain costs admirable. They may realize ways to partner with suppliers, rivals or their community to find mutually beneficial solutions that save everyone some time, energy or expense. Learning organizations also figure out how to develop better quality and deliver lasting results without spending exorbitant sums like their clumsy rivals. They learn that they can function more economically and profitably by doing a better job of being a learning organization.

Most colleges and universities are not "learning organizations". They appear to have bad cases of "arrested development". They act as if they "know it all already" and nobody can tell them anything they don't already know. They do tons of academic research, but little of the anthropological, field or folklore kinds of research that learning organizations do. They do not ask the kinds of questions that lead them to valuable discoveries, insights and alternatives. They simply continue to do what they do and know what they know while their costs soar out of sight.

Failing to admit mistakes

2009-09-04T08:04:00.000-06:00

Answer #5 to the question: Why are college costs soaring?

In order to reduce costs and avoid additional cost increases, something needs to change. Perhaps less money will be spent on the same thing next time around. Funds may be spent differently that gets more "bang for the buck". Liquidity may get invested in a long term project that yields considerable cost savings. Having money to spend may even be seen as part of the chronic problem which calls for finding more economical approaches to solutions.

In each of these instances, spending less money involves admitting a mistake: "We didn't get it right last time". "Our previous effort proved to be over-confident and loaded with questionable assumptions". "The last decision proved to be wrong".

Our minds can admit mistakes when we feel safe among other people. We can confess to errors when we're still learning how to improve ourselves. We can value mistakes when we're experimenting to find out what works the best. If college administrators thought of themselves in these ways, the soaring costs of college could be controlled and reduced. Unfortunately, these are unusual frames of mind in higher ed.

Most college administrators are in danger of getting fired. Most high ranking jobs are "revolving door positions". Most figures in positions of authority get heaving criticized by lower ranking members of the institutions, as well as outsiders. Deans, Provosts, Chairpersons and Presidents are all expected to already know how to do their jobs superbly. Continuing to learn on the job gets regarded as personal incompetence, lack of qualifications and justifications for termination.

This results in people, who decide how the money gets spent, failing to admit their mistakes. They defend their actions and deny any wrongdoing. They invent defensive rationalizations to justify their actions. The guard against getting shot down and fortify their walls that keep criticisms out of their consideration. As a result, the cost of college is soaring out of control wherever leaders are failing to admit their mistakes.

Retaliation makes college costs soar

2009-09-03T08:21:00.002-06:00

Answer #4 to the question: Why are college costs soaring?

We hope that all the money given to colleges via tuition payments, endowment earnings, research grants and legislative subsidies is all well spent. We expect that the money gets allocated to improve the quality of education for those enrolled. We trust that money is not wasted, misspent or embezzled. Anyone familiar with how bureaucracies operate would be amazed whenever these expectations get met and money gets well spent. Here's why:

Every department in a college bureaucracy has a budget with some funds set aside for discretionary spending. Each department can lose some of their allotment in the next budget cycle if they don't spend all of their previous year's allocation. The system rewards spending everything you've got to not suffer a loss from the constant pressure to cut costs.
Large systems assume cost controls control costs. In fact, people control costs by taking initiative, enduring sacrifices, making tough decisions. When people feel understood, respect and validated, they are more willing to take those initiatives, endure the sacrifices and make those tough decisions. Anytime they get treated as if cost controls control costs, they feel misunderstood, disrespected and invalidated. They take it personally.
Everyone wants to feel understood by those who are managing us. When we're not getting understood, we try to get our managers' attention in hopes that will get us understood. If we cannot even get their attention, we'll get even with them instead. When we can get somebody's goat by doing our job with a little extra spending, that really works for us. We look good for the extra effort while they look bad for failing to control costs.
When we doing something of substantial value, the results speak for themselves. We when doing something of questionable value, we have to impress people with our effort, intentions and dedication. One of the most impressive ways to do that is to spend big bucks. The sky is the limit when it comes to showing off and showing up less impressive efforts. The money poured into questionable endeavors is usually staggering.

All this adds up to a lot of retaliatory spending. College costs soar while those paid to keep costs in line step way out of line to get even with their employer.

Soaring costs as sacred cows

2009-09-02T08:56:00.002-06:00

Answer #3 to the question: Why are college costs soaring?

Anyone outside of academia expects college costs to be well managed. We expect leaders to take initiatives to avoid cost increases and find less expensive ways to achieve the same level of quality. We assume the insiders will have numerous conversations to explore alternatives and formulate the best strategies to preserve the affordability of college. It never occurs to us outsiders that the cost of college could become a sacred cow among insiders that cannot be openly discussed.

When any topic become a sacred cow, there's an unwritten agreement not to mention it. It goes without saying that there's nothing to be said about it that would regarded as acceptable, respectful and appropriate. It's a sore point or touchy subject that no one wants to bring into the conversation. Discussions about any sacred cow push people's hot buttons which results in the people uncontrollably blushing, stammering, losing concentration and panicking. If they cannot immediately leave the room, they go silent with a "deer in headlights" look in their eyes. Everyone on the inside learns not to go there, not to make others feel that way and not to stir up those insecurities.

Soaring costs of college can become sacred cows in several different systems of beliefs :

College administrators may believe they could keep costs in line if they we're better managers, more competent in their jobs and better equipped to handle their responsibilities; but they know they're not. They do not want to discuss how incompetent they are.
College faculty may believe they could find ways to reduce expenditures if they were more trusted and relied upon to look after the interests of the institution; but they're afraid they're not. They do not want to discuss how mistrusted they are.
Campus grounds crews and facility managers could save money lots of different ways if they were more respected and felt more included in the campus community; but they see lots of evidence they're not. They don't want to discuss how they're looked down upon or treated as second class citizens.
College Governing Boards may believe the costs could be reduced if the quality of the educations provided was more certain, substantiated and protected from deterioration; but they dread it's not. They do not want to discuss how useless college degrees are from their school.

Any combination of these different belief systems could generate a "private religion" with strict taboos. No one could raise the topic of soaring costs without getting shunned, confronted or ridiculed. Those that violate the taboo may even get put out of the loop of inside information or shown the door.

Steeped in tradition

2009-09-01T09:51:00.002-06:00

Answer #2 to the question: Why are college costs soaring?

When any kind of industry or enterprise is steeped in tradition, it's incapable of controlling cost increases. It relies on it's customers to go along for the roller coaster ride as the costs soar out of sight. Colleges are a prime example of enterprises maintaining time-honored traditions and legacy practices.

new enterprises continually ask questions like:

why are we doing this?
what good is this supposed to be doing?
is this really necessary?
what if we make do with half this much?
what happens if we don't do this part at all?
what's to be gained by doing it the same way again?
isn't there a better way to get this accomplished?

All these questions lead to cost savings, efficiencies, synergies and innovations. They help new enterprises stay lean and pass their cost efficiencies onto customers. It allows new products like most consumer electronics come down in price dramatically. These companies not only spread fixed costs over an increasing volume of sales, they get smarter about how to save time, effort and expense.

When enterprises are bound by tradition like colleges are, the answer to these questions is always the same:

That's how it's always been done around here.
Don't rock the boat or upset the apple cart.
It worked before so there's no reason to mess with it.

Without the ability to ask those questions and get viable answers, there's no way for colleges and universities to bring down the cost of what they are selling.

Why are college costs soaring?

2009-08-31T12:12:00.001-06:00

Over the weekend I got asked the question: "Why are college costs soaring?". It's a concern for nearly every college student who is paying his/her own way, taking on huge debts and worrying about running out of money before graduation. Colleges and universities are very complex organizations with many connections to governmental agencies, state legislatures, private businesses and philanthropic foundations. The causes for soaring costs are equally complicated. This same problem is facing health care costs and the cost of governments. As I thought about all the reasons I've consider reasonable, I came up with over a dozen. During the next few weeks, I share those explanations with you.

The first explanation for soaring costs involves an understanding of open and closed systems. Every college and university with soaring costs functions as a closed system. They cannot switch to functioning as open systems without starting over from scratch. The changes required to open up run very deep and appear very threatening to people in power and people with pride in their institutions.

Open systems are capable of controlling costs, making changes to stay within budgets, and inventing more efficient ways to get things done which saves money in the long run. Closed systems cannot make these improvements or realize these outcomes. They are like the bus the movie Speed that could not slow down or stop without blowing up. Closed systems are also like closed minded people who can't change an opinion they've formed or a decision they've made without going to pieces. They are like Bernie Madoff running a worldwide Ponzi scheme for two decades without getting really challenged or caught.

Systems close when they are convinced they are right, successful and headed in a good direction. They no longer burn up time and energy getting disturbing feedback on how they're doing, what effect they're having or what to look out for in the future. They eliminate the negative feedback and lock into a cycle of positive feedback. If a closed system could talk, it would constantly tell itself things like: "you go girl", "keep up the good work", "right on" or "you can never do too much of a good thing". Closed systems don't self regulate. They self congratulate, self replicate and self perpetuate. They keep on doing what they're doing without question.

Controlling and reducing costs requires tons of negative feedback. The system has to stop some of what it does and slow down other processes. The system has to learn how to prioritize, delay, re-sequence and eliminate many facets of it's operations. It has to utilize negative feedback to discover where it's making the most difference and doing the most good. The only way a system can do this is to switch from being closed to being open to contrary evidence, contradictory viewpoints and confusing indicators.

Closed systems usually "hit a wall before they hit the brakes". They learn in the school of hard knocks that they've been closed to negative feedback while they thought they were certainly doing great. They dismiss evidence of their failures until they get dismissed for failing to serve and satisfy those who rely on the system. It appears colleges with soaring costs are headed for a collision with an economic reality they cannot face.

Machines don't get motivation problems

2009-08-28T10:20:00.000-06:00

Lots of college students I've known unconsciously identify with being a machine. We want to appear reliable, consistent and productive. They take pride in meeting expectations, requirements and deadlines without hesitation, hang-ups or moodiness. They think of themselves as rational, logical and objective beings.

These students consistently misdiagnose their sudden loss of motivation or a lack of motivation for a particular commitment. They may assume they are trying to be lazy, immature or self-indulgent. They may jump to the conclusion that they lack self discipline and adequate determination. They may fault themselves for being broken, flawed or in need of repair.

When motivation problems are getting correctly diagnosed, they often disappear. All it takes is getting the underlying problem understood for the symptoms to vanish. It's as if motivation problems are cries for understanding by facets of ourselves that get constantly misunderstood by trying to be a machine.

When anyone gets really good at understanding their motivation problems, they find they have a bounty of self motivation. It wasn't really a lack of motivation or a sudden loss of motivation that happened, it was a lack of understanding of their real motivations. It becomes clear that our real motivations are not mechanistic and rational. They are organic and irrational, but also passionate, curious, adventurous and open minded. They show us the way to who we really can be and really want to do. Motivation problems show us how to be ourselves by getting us to discover our real, underlying motivations.

Is college working for you?

2009-08-27T07:35:00.001-06:00

In my experience, most college students cannot handle the question: "Is college working for you?". They view the question as illegitimate. To their ways of thinking, the question should not be asked. Here's why:

Lots of college students understand college as workload. They assume they are there to get the work done on time according to the requirements. There's a staggering amount of work to do. The value of college will be realized by completing the workload. They are the ones to do the work that college gives them. To question that is to become too self-absorbed, moody and unreliable.
Other college students admit that college is not working for them. Yet they assume there is something wrong with themselves, not with college. They must be misfits in a time honored system that must be right. These students jump to the conclusion that they lack study skills, motivation or the required intellect to succeed. They don't want to talk about "college not working for them" because it makes them look bad.
A smaller number of college students own the question. They assume college will work for them by making it work for them, not waiting for it to work. They think they get out of college what they put into it. Whenever college is not working for them, they find ways to make better use of their time, better focus on their tasks, and better priorities between competing obligations. The question "is it working?" is asked continually in order to be responsible about creating successful experiences.

All three ways to dismiss the question "Is college working for you?" assume that learning happens on the outside. They rely on instructors and educational materials to learn. They are taking in learning by doing the work that college assigns.

In this blog, I've explored the opposite assumption: learning happens on the inside. It takes intrinsic motivation and curiosity for authentic learning to occur. Without finding one's own inner direction, working at learning will not last, prove to be useful or translate into valuable practices. The question "Is college working for you?" really asks what works for you and what sparks your imagination, curiosity and self motivation?

Getting told what to think

2009-08-26T13:39:00.001-06:00

When I get told what to think by some expert, it usually feels like propaganda to me. I much prefer to get told how to think about an issue rather than what conclusions I should reach. The exception is when I am learning the definitions of new words, basic concepts and underlying assumptions of an unfamiliar topic. I don't feel like I'm being brainwashed when I'm just getting started with "here's what I need to know to begin".

However, as soon as I delve into "how it differs between situations", "how it depends on circumstances" and "how it doesn't always work", I want to think for myself. I appreciate any help I can get to think through the situations I'm facing and the results I'm or am not getting. Then I'm wanting to know what to consider, choose among alternatives and make tradeoffs between. Those inputs make it easier for me to think for myself.

If you sit back for a moment, you can see that's what I've just done. I didn't indoctrinate with you the one right way to react to "getting told what to think". I showed you how it depends on how far you are into a topic. I revealed how there are times where it's appreciated and times where it feels like propaganda. In other words, I've given you a way to think for yourself about getting told what to think.

Why bother studying?

2009-08-25T13:04:00.000-06:00

If you're like me, you've had experiences where you forgot everything you memorized for a test after it's over. You panic when you find out the final includes everything before the midterm because that stuff has been totally forgotten for a very long time. Since the stuff you memorized did not stay with you, you appropriately ask "why bother studying?".

From the point of view of getting "take away value", cramming seems pointless. It does not deliver the desired result of learning that lasts. It's a waste of time, just like the class that proved to be totally useless.

There are other ways to study that have worked for me and still do when I'm learning something new. Here's a few approaches:

Rereading: I'm still amazed how much more I get out of something the second time I read it. It's as if the first time gives me a way to organize what I've read in my head, and the second time through I actually organize it.
Reflecting: After I read something that "makes me think", I call a timeout to think really about it. My mind starts to make connections between what I've just read and other things I already know. I see how the new ideas tie into to things I understand which makes them more understandable and easier to recall.
Note-taking: I enjoy taking notes about something I've read. Different words jump off the page when I'm writing compared to when I'm reading. My mind is grasping attempts at convincing arguments, the lines of reasoning used and the overall themes -- when I'm taking notes.
Exertion: I get good results from getting intense about trying to understand something new and then giving it a rest. If I go over some reading word by word, and then take my mind off it completely, a lot more stays with me than less intense efforts. It's as if my mind likes to get exercised so long as it can take a break once in a while.

These approaches answer a different question besides "why bother studying?" They "fill in the blank" of a question like "what approaches to studying work best for me?"

Why are you in college?

2009-08-24T15:07:00.001-06:00

When I ask students "why are you going to college?", there are four kinds of answers I get:

"I'm here to get a diploma so I can get a higher paying job when I'm out of here"
"I'm here to get good grades so I can get into a good grad school after this"
"I'm here to get a good education so I can get into a career where I can make a difference in this world"
"I'm here to learn how to learn from anyone and anything that happens so I'm prepared for however crazy it gets in my lifetime"

Everyone is seeking a kind of value from the time and money they spend. No one is wasting it away, though many feel disappointed, ripped off and over charged for what they are getting.

The college dropout rate

2009-04-16T08:24:00.000-06:00

There are many reasons we dropout of college before graduating. Here are some of the psychological reasons I've explored in this blog:

You may be feeling labeled as a "defective student" when you actually love to learn what interests you and gives you motivation.
You may be angry about exorbitant tuition increases that charge more for the same old useless courses.
You may feel deeply misunderstood and neglected by the administration's obvious attempts to improve student retention and success rates.
You may have realized that an expensive diploma and transcript does not accurately tell future employers how well you'll really do in a new job.
You may have discovered that your college is mismanaged and wasting your money on expenditures unrelated to delivering a quality education.
You may been tried to change how you're getting taught, graded or advised and hit a wall of bureaucratic stagnation.
You may have become aware of free online course materials that suggest college courses should stop lecturing you and delivering content you can get online.
You may not be getting the proactive support you need from the college to accompany your great attitude and determination to graduate.
You may have already learned a lot on your own like computer hackers who learn more when they're not getting taught in classrooms.
You may have become extremely techno-savvy and find college expects you to be overly passive and dependent on the techno-newbie instructor.
You may have become consumed by your focus on dropping out and have lost sight of where to be headed.
You may have become an expert in what you don't want to experience and not yet defined what you really desire.
You may be unwilling to prepare for the future as if it will look like the business world and economy your parents have worked in all these years.
You may be getting forced to take a stance against staying in college because you're getting pressured by those who won't admit they might be wrong.
You may be the fallout of a closed system that cannot adjust itself with feedback about the unintentional harm it's doing to people.
You may have lost your dignity will trying to keep up with an oppressive college workload and are considering drastic action to stop acting like a machine.
You may be bored by college because you welcome tougher problems to solve, bigger challenges and opportunities to make a real difference.
You may be defying the exploitation of a captive market for college diplomas that manipulates parents/students into paying big bucks for scams and rip-offs.
You may be suffering from high levels of anxiety that is undermining your ability to concentrate, think clearly and make new connections in your mind.
You may be challenging the assumptions and foregone conclusions about college educations with your own creativity and critical thinking.
You may getting protected from the Internet that you're parents perceive as dangerous and finding their advice to be wrong for your generation.
You may be realizing that all your reasons to stay in college seem bogus and your sense of getting a real education cannot happen in college.
You may have fallen through the cracks of the big impersonal system that failed to transition you when you were an incoming student.
You may be part of your college's plan to overbook enrollment and only accommodate the survival of the fittest students.
You may be getting stereotyped by a system that cannot hack the pressures on it to change -- as someone who cannot hack academic pressures.
You may be entangled with advice from helicopter parents who are messing with your mind, self confidence and your own ability to take risks.

Manufacturing helicopter parents

2009-01-17T10:04:00.000-07:00

When humans like us morph into helicopters, something has gone terribly wrong. Natural processes of maturation and character development have been sabotaged. Inherent abilities fail to develop and desperate conduct fills in the gaps. Hovering helicopter parents seem to be machined products of inhuman factories, rather than blossoming, fruitful creations of nature. Here's some of what's missing and mechanized in us humans who get unnaturally manufactured and end up as helicopter parents:

We naturally relate to others who are easily fascinating to us. We respect ourselves enough to respect them too. We know ourselves to be unique and allow them the same space, permission and patience. However, when a previous generation has seemed dangerous to us, we only know about taking hostages and being taken prisoner by others. We have no appreciation of living, feeling humans. We deal with other's as "it", objects and things. We cannot handle them being unhappy with us, having different needs or having their own lives to live. Those we can tightly control seem like unchanging proof of our own legitimacy, solid evidence of our worth and polished trophies of our accomplishments. We show them off, want to be seen with them and reassure ourselves with their presence.

We naturally don't get along with everyone. We understand ourselves well enough to accurately assess who we'll find compatible. Our "range of tolerable diversity" is broad enough to enjoy others' differences from us when we have enough in common to feel compassionate toward them. We maintain healthy boundaries from those who expect too much or show no respect to us. When we've been used as toys, possessions or trophies by parents, all of this goes haywire. We don't understand ourselves well enough to have a clue about others. We're attracted to those who do more harm than good to us. We cling desperately to others as if we won't survive any breathing room in the so-called relationship. We let people walk all over us when we're in danger of losing their attention. We lash out at them when they speak their mind or reveal their true feelings. We act out how excessively vulnerable we constantly feel.

We naturally get energized by our own accomplishments. We're fueled by challenges and enjoy taking risks. We find it pays to be adventurous, exploratory and open to new experiences. It seems we're never done learning about: ourselves, what we're capable of and what has changed in our world. When parents are living their lives vicariously through us, we feel drained all the time. Being around authority figures sucks us dry of ambition, self satisfaction and confidence. We cannot revive ourselves in natural ways. Our need for more energy is insatiable. We resort to artificial stimulants, thrill seeking and dangers. We act like losers since it feels there's no way to win that we find really energizing.

We naturally get better at anything we practice at for long stretches of time. We also discover what talents, gifts and traits we've got in us to cultivate. We find out what captures our imagination, and give us motivation without even trying. We get inspirations for what to do next and become amazed at our timing, good fortune and fate. When we've been machine tooled to perfection by obsessive parents, we've only been slotted for a career they had in mind. We're living under their imposed expectations, standards and rules. We fail to measure up adequately unless we're superhuman and robotic. We identify with being deviant, defective and deficient. We cannot win and always disappoint those who expect too much. We suffer from "arrested development" that fails to improve with time and effort. We bemoan our fate. unfortunate timing and desperate situations.

We all have the potential to be living, breathing humans free of what's missing and burdensome to us. It's a challenge every butterfly faces when it's time to emerge from the cocoon.

Multi-generational helicopter parents

2009-01-09T10:16:00.001-07:00

It's very likely that hovering helicopter parents were raised by hovering helicopter parents. They learned to hover by example, parental expectations and the effects of hovering on the next generation. It's also likely that the children getting hovered over in college will become hovering helicopter parents themselves. The multi-generational problem offers no solution at the level of changing one person's over-attentiveness.

Children grow up with their feet on the ground when both parents act like adults. The kids get their dependency needs met by authority figures who can be depended upon reliably. The kids realize they can trust the grown-ups to provide reassuring safety, protection from dangers and intervention in overwhelming situations. The children discover they can get validated, respected and understood by parents who see them clearly, respond respectfully and cultivate their independence. Getting raised around functional adults nourishes their increasing self confidence, fascination with others and the willingness to take risks.

Children cannot find solid ground under their feet when parents act childishly. Instead of getting their dependency needs met, these kids become insatiably starved for attention, validation and reassurances. They harbor major abandonment issues and feel constantly neglected by the slightest indication of distance, detachment or contempt. They realize they can trust no one and remain guarded at all times. They receive too much invalidation, criticism an disrespect to formulate self confidence, fascination with others or the willingness to take risks. They get deprived of encouragement to be independent. They become overly dependent on others in order to feel good about themselves, to stop feeling lonely and to silence their intense self-doubts.

When these kids become parents themselves, their own children become emotionally deprived and misused. The parents exploit their children's dependency to placate their array of insatiable needs. The parents experience no safety, protection from danger or reliable interventions themselves. They cannot provide what's missing in their lives to their offspring. Getting stigmatized for hovering over their kids in college is the least of their problems. The way they feel inside won't go away, ease up or get under control. Playing the part of a hovering helicopter parent provides a viable coping strategy for these emotional wrecks.

Preventing a repeat college experience

2009-01-08T10:28:00.000-07:00

I suspect that most hovering and combat helicopter parents are college grads. They know first hand what goes on in college and what good, if any, that attending college did for them. I doubt that more than a few helicopter parents are sending off the first generation of college attendees from their families. The large population of college grads among the helicopter parents suggests they are interfering with the lives of their college kids for what they consider to be very good reasons.

Some may have experienced being needy, insecure and clingy in high school. They found that college did not change those traits, and perhaps made them worse. Others may have been hard to get along with before college due to acting like a bully, control freak or alpha dog. They discovered that college merely reinforced their previous inclinations and justified their looking down on others.

Both kinds of helicopter parents may be saying they learned a lot in college and are putting their kids through higher ed to get the same benefits. Both may imply they learned:

how to study but not how to really be someone's buddy
how to get good grades but not how to get deeply understood
how to party but not how to really partner with another's ambitions and values
how to hang out with others but not how to chill out by oneself

If this was the case, these parents would want something different for their children. Rather than perpetuate a dysfunctional pattern, they would seek to interfere with it. They may assume that giving them more attention and show of concern will do the trick. They may hope their children will get better at relating to their peers in college if the parents set a good example of staying in touch. They may expect their kids to feel loved and accepted from home which could give their children the basis for making new friends for life.

These grown-ups are likely afraid of what might happen again if they don't play the part of helicopter parents. They will decide what to do with categorical reasoning and dichotomies. They will face clear cut choices of providing either:

total support or total neglect for their kids
caring involvement in their lives or cruel abandonment
proactive efforts to forestall future problems or foolish optimism and negligence
a show of sincere commitment or mere lip-service to caring for their children's lives

With polarized choices like these, it's easy to predict how persistent the fearful helicopter parents will become.

Shooting down helicopter parents

2009-01-07T10:15:00.001-07:00

A week ago I created a Google Alert subscription to monitor other mentions of "helicopter parents" on websites and in blogs. Squidoo has assembled a page with lots of links too. Helicopter parents appear to be under siege everywhere for disabling their kids independence, self reliance and resourcefulness. Helicopter parents are getting framed as "all bad as if no good can come of them". All helicopter parents are assumed to be the same. It's like they are experiencing a ground assault of anti-aircraft missiles aimed at their offensive, airborne positions.

It's fascinating to me there are no voices of "helicopter maintenance and repair technicians". No one is understanding the parents or sensing how to relate to them. They are only seeing what harm they are doing and what justifications exist for shooting them down. To me, this appears as "whirlybirds of a feather flock to together". These numerous critics of helicopter parents bear strong resemblance to combat or hovering kinds of helicopters themselves.

Helicopter parents, who hover over or combat their children in school, have no viable options. Their impulses to handle their own insatiable needs for attention, control, superiority or disguises -- seem relentless, urgent and compulsive. Their outlook remains unchanging because it's locked in by subconscious, emotional baggage. They cannot stop acting needy or bossy even if they wanted to change. Their patterns of misconduct don't evolve from feedback, effects on others or their own personal reflection.

Helicopter parents cannot understand themselves any better than those that shoot them down with no empathy, compassion or insight. Their lives are devoid of the power of positive relating. No one is transporting them from their current bad place to a better outlook, self concept and basis for interacting with others. Repairing their condition comes about from giving them the feeling of being understood.

Picturing helicopter parents as "going through a process" relieves their stigma of being stuck with a toxic condition. Seeing how their actions are not their best choice helps them reconsider their options. Giving them an experience of positive relating makes it easy for them to mimic it and pass it on. Really relating with them catches on and their unwanted behaviors fade away. The helicopter parents get transported to a better place to come from when they relate to the children.

Helicopter parents and college dropouts

2009-01-06T10:25:00.000-07:00

Each kind of helicopter parent takes a different view of any child of theirs dropping out of college. Each type has a different way to make sense of what happens, relate to their children and react to incidents they cannot control. Here's the four takes on dropping out that are likely to show up from the four kinds of helicopter parents:

The best kind of helicopter parents would take the dropping out of college in stride. They respect their offspring and expect them to demonstrate self respect in their choices. They have spent years discouraging a child's self-sabotage, self contempt, self abuse and self repudiation. Likewise these parents have recognized evidence of better judgment, broader perspectives, more inclusive outlooks and long range considerations. They can trust the student's decision to drop out would have been wrestled with to sort out conflicting feelings and been discussed with others for varied perspectives. The best kind of helicopter parents would expect more of the same resourcefulness, resilience and insight in future decisions too.
The transport kind of helicopter parents would question the decision to drop out of college. They would bring to the conversation many issues, long range considerations and other perspectives. They would be help their student make a better decision without saying what to decide in the end. They would contribute to the process of their child making up his/her mind and leave it at that. The final decision would be up to the student who will live with it and its consequences with no one else to blame or thank. The transport helicopter parents would simply move the student from a place of worries, frustrations or indecision to a better place of considerations, perspectives and self awareness.
The combat kind of helicopter parents would oppose the decision to drop out of college. They would bring many opposing arguments, put downs and guilt trips to the heated discussion. They would seek to undermine the student's confidence in his/her own judgment, perspective and priorities. They would seek to get their child out of touch with irrational feelings in order to force a purely rational choice to be made. They could not trust a process, handoff the final say or encourage their child to respect him or herself. They could only combat a stupid decision by attacking the reasoning and arguments of the enemy under their roof. Dropping out would be their worst fears coming true and a nightmare happening before their eyes.
The hovering kind of helicopter parents secretly want their children to drop out college and move home again. They hope their family ties will ensnare their offspring into lasting emotional dependency. Their self-pity seeks the commiseration of young ones with equal regrets, failures and victim stories in their lives. By dwelling on the stigma from dropping out out college, they assume their children will lack the confidence to fly the coup or to venture out on their own. The child can remain "daddy's little princess" or "mommy's little man". These parents will maintain the cover that hides their own insecurities, neediness and emotional dependence on their children. They disguise their toxic shame as being "exceptional parents"

The decision to drop out of college does not occur in isolation. It does not depend entirely on how the college mistreats the student or fails to deliver a valuable education. The dynamics of the family alter what students would realize on their own -- sometimes for better and sometimes for worse.

Hovering helicopter parents - part 2

2009-01-05T10:31:00.000-07:00

When parents hover over their own children, there is no guarantee about what happens next. There are a wide variety of effects on the offspring from having parents "breathe down their necks" and "micro manage their every move". Hovering helicopter parents make a big deal out of family ties, emotional bonds and obligatory strings attached to their generosity. These forms of emotional abuse evoke many different reactions from their offspring in college.

Some children catch on quickly and come down with the same condition. They become equally needy, insecure and dependent on emotional support from others. They learn to emulate the example set by their parent(s) and not rock the boat. They make a big show of admiring their parents, being loyal to them and protecting them from upsetting experiences. They put a good face on a sinister pattern that obstructs maturing and independence.
Some children become indignant and resentful. They throttle an oversupply of rage, hatred and contempt directed at their parents. They feel betrayed, corrupted and misled by bogus adults who smother them with pseudo caring. This bitterness can infect other relationships at school and push people away who act caring. Other people automatically appear likely to take hostages, trap others in insatiable obligations and manipulate shows of affections. The ability to discern genuine interest, caring and compassion has been tainted by their prior emotional abuse.
Other children become hyper-sensitive to others' state of mind. They feel other's feelings instead of their own. They are quick to put others at ease, calm them down and reassure their insecurities. They known the territory well where understandings come unglued, emotions get unleashed and confidence gets trashed. These students are poised to enter helping professions, serve customers or work with people in their jobs. They've turned their liability into an asset that others will find a valuable resource. They know how to prevents or solve other problems with other people. Yet these children of smothering parents are very prone to employment and relationship burnout due to being constantly vigilant, overly concerned with others and out of touch with their own feelings.
Some other children seem unrelated to their hovering parents. They exude confidence and an ability to succeed. They impress others with their determination, focus and resolve. They appear to be self reliant and resourceful as if they grew up exceptionally fast. They are unlike the others who are insecure, resentful or overly attentive. These children can get on an success track that extends for more than a decade. Yet there is usually a fateful incident where the high flyer gets shot down. Some inner urge to self-destruct takes control of decisions, judgment calls and priorities. The legacy of the hovering helicopter parents finally appears as if there really has been no escape all along. The damage comes to the surface and betrays the image of being very different from the family of origin. The shattering experience can yield a permanent loser or the emergence of true character and calling.

Whatever the effect that plays out, it's a costly one. There's a big price to be paid for having childish parents who feed off their children's vitality.

Hovering helicopter parents- part 1

2009-01-03T10:42:00.000-07:00

I've saved the worst for last. The fourth are the infamous kind: hovering helicopter parents. These mommies and daddies need their children desperately. They want their children to remain dependent on them for emotional support, companionship and protection. Keeping up the appearances of a two way relationship disguises the parents' immaturity, insecurities and subtle feeding off of their children's vitality.

Hovering helicopter parents are going nowhere quickly. They are living in suspended animation. Their emotional ties prevent them from outgrowing their past or making progress toward a future different from their present circumstances. They want the parent/child relationship to remain like the best of times to compensate for how so much else has become the worst of times. They cannot escape their cruel fate and dreaded destiny except by remaining motionless. Keeping things frozen in time prevents kids from outgrowing their family ties, emotional bonds and shared values.

Hovering helicopter parents are tied down by oppressive obligations, strung up by their own parents and strung out on their hectic lifestyle. They string their children along by promising, pleading, regretting and repaying them. They're in no shape to shape up, act their age, or demonstrate more self respect. They hover above shaky ground that cannot support the heavy burden they are carrying. They expect the ground to cave in if they set the whirlybird down. It seems better to remain safely suspended above the reality of their kids growing up, turning out differently than expected and learning to see their parents as they really are.

These parents can hover endlessly if they can get refueled by their kids. These helicopter parents are high maintenance, emotional wrecks. They live vicariously off of what happens in their children's lives. They envy the life they have funded for their kids that is so much better than their own. They feed off the emotional energy they cannot come up with on their own -- even though it's so draining for their kids to endure. Their thirst for refueling seems insatiable. Their hovering becomes relentless. Their panic at signs of their children's avoidance, weariness or contempt is alarming. Their ability to cope with inevitable changes in their children is nowhere to be seen.

Next, we'll explore the effects the hovering has on students.

Combat helicopter parents

2009-01-02T10:22:00.000-07:00

Where transport helicopter parents make a success of relating to their children, combat helicopter parents make a success of their children graduating from college with honors. Both fall into either/or thinking but differ in what they think about. Transport copters dwell on their children as friends and allies who serve common interests. Combat copters see their children as enemy combatants to do battle with over opposing interests.

Combat helicopter parents view the business world as a battleground and college as a military training camp. They are apprehensive about all the competition and scarcity of opportunities. They are frightened by optimism, suspicious of wishful thinking and critical of half baked plans. They put themselves under intense pressures to have answers, to be in the know and to stay on top of situations. They are humiliated by occasions where they are in the dark, puzzled by situations or having to ask for help. They have no concept of "finding yourself", "being true to yourself" or discovering a life's purpose". The business world requires a disciplined approach to making money. College is where people learn how to do that and get it right. Getting excellent grades proves that the mandatory discipline was successfully acquired and the business world will be profitably conquered.

Rather than give their children the feeling of being listened to, understood, respected, combat helicopter parents give their children 'the full treatment". The kids get bombarded with criticisms, putdowns, and negative comparisons. They are made to feel deviant, defective and deficient. They are routinely intimidated, power-tripped or guilt-tripped to "let them know who's boss". They are watched over like a black hawk to safeguard against any suspected misbehaviors. Their children are regarded as usually "out of control", "asking for trouble" and "negligent about their duties".

Combat helicopter parents have high control needs and cannot cut others any slack. They exhibit a low tolerance for ambiguity and demand that every detail get revealed to them. They feel alright about themselves when others are wrong, inferior or weaker. Every issue turns into an argument because there's no middle ground, gray issues or ways for both to be right. They are ready to shoot down other opinions and justify their own combative approach to winning. Others cannot win on their own terms, expect to be understood when they are "out of compliance". Any cease-fire only comes by submitting to their their authority, complying with their demands and conceding to their expectations.

Combat helicopter parents are fueled by fear. They hover over their children to assuage their fears. They are terrified at the prospect of their children making foolish choices, listening to misguided kooks or falling in with a bad crowd. Their world is full of hidden dangers, obvious threats, disguised adversaries, and subtle temptations to combat against. There is no encouragement in their experience to let their guard down, be less cautious or trust others more. Their need to fly more surveillance and combat missions remains relentless.