CNN is like the worst "news" source. Ever.

2011-08-19T12:55:00.001-07:00

May 22 2008 Raped student DJs 'Hot for Teacher' night

2009-05-22T08:38:00.000-07:00

Raped student DJs 'Hot for Teacher' night with his wife and former teacher, Mary Kay Letourneau. Later in the day, cnn removed "raped student" from the headline.

Anchor ribbed for music vid bubble bath whatever you do today please don't watch this video. SO BAD. One "news" anchor makes fun of another "news" anchor's jeans. In retribution, the anchor with offending denim shows a video of the other anchor in a bubble bath with some singer and he is mortified. I don't really know why because he claims that it was his twin brother. SO BAD. *just checked the link- it is no longer available!

These headlines pretty much say it all. Cnn's quest for tmz-ness will stop at nothing.

May 20 2008 Chase ends for tankini suspect

2009-05-20T10:59:00.000-07:00

Less is so much more- no crass cnn commentary in this video, just plain cops-style footage of a suv on bare rims skidding to a halt on the Sacramento freeway. A woman with all business in the front and party in the back hair sports a hot pink mail order bikini and exits the vehicle. She proceeds to perform the cochroach on the pavement while being handcuffed. The video is really amazing and thank you to cnn for not offering any journalistic analysis, although the caption claims it was a "high-speech chase." KTLA reports that Annette Hurd led police on a 50 mile chase that topped 100 mph and she is currently being held in custody on charges of evading police with disregard to public safety, driving with a suspended license, throwing objects from the vehicle while moving, driving under the influence, possession of a controlled substance, reckless driving, and felony hit and run.
Also in today's news:
3 michael vick articles
Michael Vick leaves prison | Vick's dogs , Martin: Banning Vick from NFL is crazy , Should Vick get a 2nd chance?
And a crazy emergency medical proceedure that required the use of a power drill found in the custodian's closet to relieve cranial pressure.

Cnn posts conflicted headlines over conflicted youth

2009-05-18T10:21:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Jerry for sending in this screen shot of ridiculous cnn headlines at odds:
Levi Johnston: Palins 'treated me like a son'

right smack above

Ticker: Levi threatens legal action against Palin

This ridiculous pair of conflicted headlines back to back is almost warranted given that Levi didn't know which side of the fence to lean towards. He was so confused in his interview with Larry King that he first claims that he doesn't have a lawyer and then his mom comes on and says they have had a lawyer for some time. He says that he thinks the Palins didn't know they were having sex but he thought they did know they were having sex. He won't kiss and tell about having sex in the Palin home but hats off to King for asking!

May 18 2009 Guy tries to smuggle 14 birds in pants

2009-05-18T08:17:00.000-07:00

Another amazing, in depth animal report from Anderson 360. No real information was provided about the smuggler or what kind of Asian song birds were being smuggled or where he was coming from or how he got as far as California customs. Some conflicting reporting in the beginning suggests there were two smugglers. Coops makes some weird comment about having tail feathers in your pant legs which falls awkwardly flat. Overall pretty informationless, not unlike the wallaroo report of last week. Bandit, the wallaroo, was running loose in upstate NY and instead of seeing a map of Bandit sightings so people could keep an eye out or even a telephone number to call with information, I learned that Coops can do a bad aussie accent and was a "jumping champion" while watching a still photo of a raccoon race across the screen to the sound of a cougar. Coops says if you see Bandit- he doesn't know what you should do. Nice. It is all about you coops, it's all about you.

May 15 2009 Teen thinks yearbook shows WAY too much

2009-05-15T08:49:00.000-07:00

Obama questions? Call Ed Henry, 877-266-4189 marketing plug for cnn radio- which is like the worst radio station. . . ever. I heard a mosquito warning telling me to use bug spray when I go into a mosquito area and for more tips check out "bite the bite" at the CDC website. Then Ed Henry came on and said in 6 different ways that he was not biased and didn't report on the flaws of democrats and liberals, especially Obama and Pelosi. Any time someone reiterates what they don't do that many times- the opposite can be assumed as true. Anyway- awful crap radio jumping from subject to subject with non-fact opinionated filler "analysis."
Ticker: Pelosi a 'big loser,' Gingrich says well, the exact quote is more like "Speaker Pelosi's the big loser, because she either comes across as incompetent, or dishonest. Those are the only two defenses. . . The fact is, she either didn't do her job, or she did do her job and she's now afraid to tell the truth." Cnn takes a perfectly legitimate inquiry into Pelosi's historical knowledge of atrocities committed by the US and paints a scene from elementary school recess. Check out the dark side photo of Gringrich that cnn chose!
This pottery club member didn't wear underwear on photo day and is concerned about a shadow in the picture that may or may not be revealing. She won't return to school but she and her mom appeared in this cnn video to discuss her embarrassment. The teen appears on the couch in short shorts with her legs open(visible shadows) and a big blurry blob on her face. The principal suggested they not talk to cnn because it would further exploit the girl, but the mom insisted.

May 13 2009 Burglars use doggy door

2009-05-13T10:20:00.001-07:00

The family of this house hit four times previously by burglars is thinking of leaving the neighborhood. After three break-ins they decided to install cameras and found their dogs welcoming crooks with kisses and elation as they shimmied through the doggy door. They were dumbfounded that such a thing could happen. They would also be shocked to know that the fake rock housing the emergency key sitting alone on the concrete porch is also a liability.

May 8 2009 Oprah coupon has KFC diners hungry for more

2009-05-08T14:34:00.000-07:00

There are many reasons why I find CNN news irritating and I would like to take a moment to share some of my top grievances.
1.non-news
2.prevalence of obesity stories
3.prevalence of fast food stories
4.journalistic sources like "Oprah"
5.news about what was on TV recently, especially reality tv or talk shows
6.cost cutting tips for housewives, which is to say any story in the "living" section
7. prevalence of mob or mob mentality stories
8. blatant lies/gross misrepresentation of history, recent or otherwise
9. confusing misleading or otherwise disorienting headlines
10. flagrant parading of our cultural recession and capitalizing on that erosion with cnn t-shirts

Today's story included possibly 9 out of 10 ! Yes, Oprah gave away coupons to KFC for a gratis grilled chicken dinner with two sides and a biscuit! Simply download the coupon which was available for a 24 hour period and present it to one of your neighborhood KFCs for the new grilled version of the perfectly rounded meal before May 19th (excluding Mother's Day, you cheapos!) Oprah did not fully know what havoc her gracious offer would bring. The web page was clogged and many could not download the coupon. Local KFC restaurants had inconvenient lines longer than polling stations on election day and many ran out of the grilled delicacy promising customers that the coupons would gladly be redeemed in the future when the cold storage semi truck comes again next Tuesday. Shannon Edwards of Baltimore said of the whole disaster "I'm a big girl, I like to eat. So I'm kind of disappointed I have to go to McDonald's now." Because of the mob, KFC has announced its "rain check policy" for the Oprah Kentucky grilled chicken fiasco which requires coupon holders to go to KFC and pick up a rain check form, fill it out, relinquish the original coupon to the store manager (or for the suspicious -relinquish 42 cents and an envelope) by May 19th and they will, at some unannounced time in the future, receive the original free dinner as advertised AND a free Pepsi for all incurred inconveniences. This means you have to go to KFC a total of 3 times for your free fantasy meal and once they get you in there you know you're sporking over cold hard cash for some of the colonel's spiced salted fat.

Also in the news today, a roundup of your favorite reality tv "news":
Will 'Jon & Kate' feature cheating rumors?
'Real Housewives' dish on catfights
TLC's 'Kate' deals with rumors of husband's cheating 'privately'
'Idol's' Allison inspired by Kelly Clarkson

and
British retailer admits bra boob-oo
Marks & Spencer apologizes if you were charged more if you bought more fabric

Thank you to all who waited patiently through my hiatus. Hopefully I will be back to drawing the news on a true weekdaily schedule.

January 20 2009 Bird droppings create problems for city

2009-01-20T11:32:00.000-08:00

Bird droppings create problems for city
Residents of this Cali town feel "like they are living in the movie 'The Birds.'" Citizens try to get their shopping in early before the murder descends upon the town in the waning daylight hours. City officials take no responsibility for Mother Nature and refuse to clean the droppings layered on streets, cars and jungle gyms.

In positive news:
A nod of praise should be extended to the Mississippi paper, the Meridian Star, which finally apologized for its bad journalism during the civil rights movement on January 18th, 2009. Look forward to controversial pieces on social injustice very soon.

... while we can't go back and undo some past wrongs, we can offer our sincere apology -- and promise never again to neglect our responsibility to inform you, our readers, about the human rights and dignity every individual is entitled to in America -- no matter their religion, their ethnic background or the color of their skin.

They also worked in a lame comparison of the civil rights movement AND Barack Obama's inauguration to the bipartisan-less support of GWBush after 9-11. I thought it was also a little tasteless to preface the apology with the following quote by MLK.
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."
Apologies look more sincere when your refrain from qualifying them.

December 31 2008 Woman, 88, yanks nude intruder's testicles

2008-12-31T11:48:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year's Eve.
Not really over at cnn.com

Poisoned kids cry in agony as parents worry
Tree limb from windy day injures tot
Driver uses scissors to fight off carjacker
Woman plunges off hotel near Disney
And if those didn't make you add a couple layers to your exoskeleton, perhaps this will.
Woman, 88, yanks nude intruder's testicles
The woman, alias "Jennifer," suggests to lock your door and have a security light to prevent such situations. And, yes, the intruder was caught by local authorities. His name: Mike Dick!

December 28 2008 Man creeps into family's attic; lives there

2008-12-28T16:56:00.000-08:00

Supposedly man lives in a family's attic for 7 days over the Christmas holiday. All was fine until things started disappearing from the house. He took clothes, food, a candle, and a laptop. Even a toothbrush. The police came 3 times to assess the robberies before finding him with dogs. Stay tuned, the police officer claims he is going to write a book about the experience.

also in the holiday spirit:
Man shoots talker at movies, police say at benjamin button!
Santa shooter carried secret guilt, attorney says
secret son was left a paraplegic due to his negligence
Secret Santa leaves cards, $50 bills
Brrr ... Penguin Club plunges into icy river

November 7 2008 Girl, 9, kicked off bus miles from home

2008-11-07T17:16:00.000-08:00

This post is dedicated to Jerry and friends. Sorry for the lapse in posts- I just could not endure CNN's soul dissolving election coverage.

Little Cyrena (pronounced Serena) was kicked off the bus in Shrewsbury on the corner of Route 9 and South street for utter lack of disherplen. This was miles from her Route 20 home. Do not fear parents for Donald Davidson Jr. will never drive school buses in Shrewsbury again!

also of importance:
Michelle's dress: Love it? Hate it?
Obama's girls about to go into fishbowl
Stick, skateboard, doll enter Toy Hall of Fame
Honda unveils wearable robotic walker
Armed guards keep watch over churches - this should busy the idle hands of the military industrial complex

September 30, 2008 A Letter to Representative Pelosi

2008-09-30T21:42:00.000-07:00

Today I wrote to Speaker of the House and CA Representative Nancy Pelosi. For the record, she is not my direct representative.

Dear Representative Pelosi,
Can you please explain your decision to vote yes on the Bail Out Bill. You made two comments on the House floor that are very incongruous with your vote. The first, “Democrats believe in the free market, which can and does create jobs, wealth, and capital, but left to its own devices it has created chaos."
If you vote for a bailout of institutions which made, as you put it, "unwise and risky financial deals," how can you claim to believe in the free market? It is not free if risk takers are not allowed to fail. And it is certainly not free if failure is rewarded.
You also stated that "Today we must act for those Americans, for Main Street, and we must act now." Yet you voted for a bill that may or may not stabilize wall street and has no provisions or protective measures for "main street," as you refer to constituents. In fact, you voted for a bill that must be paid for by your constituents and will benefit the aforementioned risk taking institutions. How did you act for "Americans on Main Street" by backing this legislation.
Thank you for your time and I hope that you will clarify this discordant speech and vote.

I hope that she will write back. I did not want to point directly to her own personal financial obligations- current personal mortgages and investments, and campaign financiers. I hope that her personal obligations had no bearing on her vote. But here is a list of her reported outstanding loans (mostly mortgages) between her and her husband in 2007. SP = spouse owned JT= jointly owned
That means that Nancy and her husband are paying off loans in the $12.25 million - $54.5 million range. I wish that I could report the exact number, but Reps are only required to check off a range on their financial disclosure forms and the range options are quite large (i.e $5-25 million). Perhaps if she graces me with a reply I will expend the time and effort to snooping around propertyshark or trulia with the disclosed addresses. The list of stocks that her and her husband own is too long for a picture- but you can download the file yourself from the above link and check it out. Some highlights: In 2007 Paul purchased $1 - 5 million in stock from a real estate company, purchased and then sold $1 - 5 million in stock from apple, and purchased $500,000- 1 million in stock from Cisco Systems. Bet you can't guess what Paul Pelosi does for a living. Financial Investor/Real Estate Investor. Bail him out Nancy! Us folks down here on main street aren't feeling the crunch like you because luckily we couldn't afford to invest in that kind of tanking portfolio.

September 8 2008 Girl, 3, sucked into drain as dad watches

2008-09-08T10:41:00.000-07:00

4-eared cat, 2-headed turtle cause stir
Fannie, Freddie plunge again-who cares now that we all have to bail them out and the shares were dissolved. Plus, Palin will deliver us from big government and corporate welfare.
50-foot spider moves 2 mph
Church not a sex club, reverend says kind of a jerry springer "news" story- hope there's an update
Girl, 3, sucked into drain as dad watches

From Cnn's "Science" page Asia pollution may boost U.S. temperatures unlike, of course, U.S. pollution.

KPFK

2008-08-20T09:10:00.000-07:00

I won an iphone g3 this weekend in the KPFK summer sign-up membership drive! They are awarding one each day that will be loaded with content from 50 years of archives from this progressive radio station. You still have 3 more days to sign up for your chance. Donating 25 bucks puts you in the running for the daily iphone giveaway and tons of great sweepstakes prizes as well, like the gibson guitar signed by jackson browne, and a little more will give you a choice of premium gifts. Tax deductible donations will divert a portion of your taxes from corporate bailouts, human rights abuses and unneccessary endless occupation in the name of "enduring freedom."
KPFK is the only radio station in the country that has no corporate underwriting, no commercial influence. If you don't already listen, please tune in (itunes -> radio-> public -> kpfk or streaming online)
I encourage you to listen to in depth analysis of issues that will not make it to main stream media. This morning there was a story about a diebold voting machine critic, Stephen Spoonamore, (a gop accussing the gop of stealing elections) who filmed a segment for ABC news in 2006 regarding irregularities in the 2004 election. The video was never aired- ABC claims it feared lawsuits. But you can watch it now!
Kpfk is a great resource for information that won't be aired on stations with corporate obligations.

August 18 Boy gets wish, cow chases bear, dog swallows fishhook with 3 prongs

2008-08-11T16:04:00.000-07:00

Some highlights from last week!
Bush hugs bikini-clad U.S. Olympians
Scientists closer to making invisibility cloak
Plastic surgery cut by saggy economy
Troops pay baggage fees on way to war
car has 1.3 M miles
Boy gets wish: Seat on garbage truck
Cow chases bear away from apple tree
Mom shocked by teen's modest clothing
3-lb. dog swallows fishhook with 3 prongs
Weeding through cnn is very much like dissecting owl pellets. If you pick away at all the regurgitated hairballs eventually you can piece together the rotting skeleton of a news story, but its just the infrastructure, devoid of all the life and substance.

August 7 2008 CENTENNIAL POST! Owners cuddle, dress pets ... then fry them

2008-08-07T18:23:00.000-07:00

This post marks the 100th drawing posted on cnn is like the worst "news" source. ever.
In celebration and due to other pursuits the format will from here on change. I will be posting drawings weekly. The new drawings will be a montage of the weeks' absurdity from cnn. The "news" seems to run together anyway and it will be more fun for me and hopefully you to mash the headlines together. Thank you so much for tuning in to "news" designed to tune you out!

Anderson Cooper, anchor voted "most like me" by readers of this blog, reports on a guinea pig parade of Peru. fried pets

July 31 2008 Yoga for dogs?

2008-07-31T19:10:00.000-07:00

Two water beasts surfaced today:
'Fishgator' caught in lake
Montauk 'monster'
Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson and Elizabeth Taylor take up 3 headlines furthering cnn's spiral into Entertainment Tonight formatting.

Yoga for dogs?
or doga, looks like a mess of writhing pets and masters kissing each other on mats.

July 30 2008 44-pound stray cat bulges out of box

2008-07-30T18:52:00.000-07:00

Two newsworthy cat stories tonight.
Jesus' face seen in kitten's swirly fur if you lick its belly fur in place and take a picture of it. see also kitten with fur text.

44-pound cat found

1948 letter found in postal machinery
Bear stuck in jug is shot
the bear was followed for 6 days and over 60 miles with a plastic jar over its head. Attempts at tranquilizing and trapping the bear failed the report claims. They had 6 days and 60 miles!
Body found in airliner's restroom

Abuse of Executive Power Acceptable, Encouraged

2008-07-29T19:55:00.000-07:00

CNN pokes fun at the impeachment hearings, calling it a waste of tax payer money!
Yes, calling the administration out on its over 35 impeachable offenses is a waste of time and money seeing as how the checks and balances of our faux-democracy have been eroded by this administration and our tax payer money has been diverted to corporate elite. The mere idea of engaging in dialogue is a laughable offense to cnn, dubbed democrat "stagecraft." Much less the hilarity of holding someone accountable for crimes and abuse of power.
The "news anchor," apparently suffering from ADD, swiftly racks focus from Bush to a "Cute Baby!" in the background. This is one of the worst distortions of news I have seen in a while. See also: actual content in the impeachment hearings

July 29 2008 Airport screeners trained to read emotions

2008-07-29T18:07:00.000-07:00

Legend now paints with tennis balls Navratilova polka dots canvas with painted tennis balls. "When someone does it to the point where it looks easy, that's art."
Airport screeners trained to read emotions
Creators drop Scrabble Web knockoff - aah scrabulous

earthquake overload-

Astrologer didn't predict quake :51

Quake interrupts TV taping :45

Governor: 'We were very lucky' 2:11

Los Angeles earthquake 2:34

'I was bouncing around' 3:34

Quake shakes backyard 1:10

Earthquake makes messy desk

'It was very scary'

July 28 2008 Beer marathoners run, drink, vomit

2008-07-28T19:48:00.000-07:00

This reminds me of running the Boston Marathon. The whole route is lined with friendly comrades cheering and handing you weird things like homemade oatmeal raisin cookies or glucose drenched orange slices. I recall grabbing a dixie cup full of water from some anonymous outstretched hand and slinging it back. I was shocked and then mildly amused to find I had swigged a shot of vodka at mile 18.

July 24 2008 Toy maker aims to shut down Scrabulous

2008-07-24T21:13:00.000-07:00

An entire community was threatened today by the mere mention of scrapping scrabulous.
Scandalous, indeed.

July 23 2008 Fish eat feet in new pedicure

2008-07-23T19:34:00.000-07:00

House passes mortgage rescue to bail out fannie and freddie mac with $300 billion in tax payer money. When they were making a profit did the surplus go back to the tax payer? Nope- it was wisely spent on campaign contributions and lobbyists! Further privatization of profits, socialization of risk.

McCain visits grocery store - at the end of this video, Too good to be true you can see McCain knock over apple sauce that was edited from the first story.
Fish eat feet in new pedicure -"that's just nasty" says one anchor. "that's foul. . . what is wrong with these people" reports the other. This clip also includes a "stupid criminal" story. Ha ha what fun they have delivering "news".

July 22 2008 Beaches plagued by gelatinous invaders

2008-07-22T20:49:00.000-07:00

Cnn headlines the Time Mag Sci-fi inspired article, When Jellyfish Attack, about jellyfish along the coast of France. Chock full of invader references, the piece warns "there's more of that gummy pain on the way"