cosexaddiction.com blog

Jealousy and envy will fade....

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 14:30:00 +0000

In our 12 step recovery promises, we are told of many manifestations that will occur in our lives, some of which we can't imagine in the beginning. Over time, as we willingly surrender ourselves to the discipline of the 12 steps, we will experiences miracles and promises manifesting in our lives. There will be transformation. It's a promise.

As I look back over my many years working a recovery program and staying committed to the discipline of the 12 steps, I see clearly how my life has been transformed. I trust myself and others. I trust my Higher Power and know that as I turn things over, all will be well. Financial insecurity is almost completely gone and I live with a sense of prosperity and abundance. Today my pain has become experience, strength and hope to share with others. I am able to celebrate the joys and accomplishments of those closest to me and in my own life.

There is, on occasion, still a feeling of jealousy and envy that comes over me from time to time. We have a promise that states, "jealousy and envy will fade." When I embrace the beautiful communities of women in my life, I find there are moments of envy for what they have created and attracted. I sense my own jealousy and pettiness arise. It is a moment of humility and awareness.

My life is not perfect, nor do I practice the 12 steps and principles perfectly. I do, however, believe that I am on a journey. When I am reminded of the places still to be healed by the promises of the program, I surrender once again and embrace the sense of humility as one on the journey does from time to time. I know there is more work that the Divine has to do within me. Rigorous honest is the opening to this healing and offering to others my own challenges and transformations empowers and inspires.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Parenting

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 13:30:00 +0000

One of the greatest gifts of 12 step recovery is learning to parent our own children and ourselves with new skills. As we develop the emotional capacity to feel and hold our emotions within, we are able then to choose how to respond to any given situation. We are able to have kindness and respect when our children are angry or sad, teaching them to honor these emotions, letting them be informative but not acting them out without purpose or clear intention. In developing emotional intelligence, we create choices for ourselves. We use our energy as power and direct it to accomplish what we desire, honoring our own values along the way.

Re-parenting ourselves comes in recovery as well. We become nurturing, aware, respectful, compassion women and men and we give this attention to ourselves. We learn to set boundaries around our own behavior internally and externally to protect and empower ourselves in relationships with other.

There is grief that often surfaces to be released about the ways in which we did not receive as children what we needed and wanted. While we can consciously let this go, we can consciously choose self-loving behaviors as adults. It's never too late to have a happy childhood.

Blessings,

Sally

Shame

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 00:01:00 +0000

As a recovering woman, I have chosen to come face to face with shame. It was initially a very uncomfortable experience. To come face to face with shame, means to embrace it and walk toward it rather than to avoid the experience of it. To do this means that I have chosen to become aware of the messages and feelings of shame. Here are some of what I have learned about my shame:

1) I believe I am a mistake not that I make mistakes.

2) I emotionally beat myself up and have no compassion.

3) I have the sense of being exposed, discovered and completely unworthy.

4) My thoughts begin with words like: I can't, I shouldn't, I'm bad, Who do I think I am, etc.,

5) I sometimes turn red and have a deep desire to hide and isolate.

6) I often hurt myself because I believe that I deserve this. I may overeat, overspend or pick a fight with someone I love.

It's no wonder I avoided coming face to face with shame for so long.

I've learned also about "carried shame." (See Relationships from Addiction to Authenticity for more information.)

Here are some of the gifts when I choose to face my shame:

1) I realize I am just as good as and no better than all other human beings.

2) I experience the gift of humility.

3) I am able to connect more to others and create authentic relationships.

4) I laugh more and worry less about being hyper-vigilant with my behavior.

5) I learn self-love, self-forgiveness and self-compassion on a deep level.

6) I am able to risk sharing my gifts with others.

7) I develop a relationship with a Higher Power that inspires and sustains me.

8) I am able to experience the miracles of my life, especially as I have chosen to embrace my shame.

9) I accept that I am imperfect with shadows and character defects and love it all.

Yours in joy, shame and more joy,

Sally

Surrender and Power

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 14:19:00 +0000

With cosexaddiction, as with any addiction, there is a desire for control and power. The only way the addictive self thinks control or power is available is through the addictive pattern. Sex addiction, control, codependency, eating disorders, alcohol abuse and all other addictive patterns are simply a form of control or an attempt at control.

Admitting powerlessness is not an admission of no power-it is in fact, a doorway through which power can be sought. This spiritual power includes freedom and choice.

When we are able to admit our powerlessness over another person's choices and behaviors, we gain the freedom and power to choose our own actions.

When we are able to admit our powerlessness over our own addictive thinking and behavior, we gain freedom and power to use our time and energy as we desire.

In the surrender of addictive dynamics in both thought and deed, we embrace the spiritual flow of power and guidance that is available to us. When our attachments to old addictive thoughts and behaviors is present, we block this spiritual energy.

Today we claim the true spiritual power that comes from surrender to old attachments. Daily prayer and meditation will assist us in knowing when to surrender these attachments and with whom. As we surrender and release, our true spiritual power is made manifest. Our energy, our thoughts and our actions belong to us and we are free to use for service and contribution.

Having had a spiritual awakening....

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 15:08:00 +0000

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we carried this message to others and practiced this principles in all areas of our lives.....

What a gift our 12 step program offers us. It is a promise that is made and kept when we surrender ourselves to the discipline of the 12 steps. In experiencing a "spiritual awakening" we are able to see a transformation in our own lives and we begin to understand what it means that our pain can make a difference in the lives of others as we share our experience, strength and hope.

Today I know that practicing these principles in all areas of my life means that I can use the steps to deepen my joy and authentic connection with others.

One of the most important principles and steps I use to create authentic intimacy in my life is Making Amends. When I notice that I have hurt someone else or have an upset in my relationships with others, I look inside to see my part. Where have I contradicted my own value system, given unsolicited advice, become attached to an outcome or not been honest and open?

When I am able to "own my part" in any difficulty with another, I am able to experience the freedom that comes from self-responsibility and emotional maturity. Regardless of the other person's ability to be rigorously honest or take responsibility for their part in the relationship, taking responsibility for my part provides joy and freedom for myself.

Blessings on your journey of practicing all these principles in your own life!

Sally

Self-Consciousness.....

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 14:49:00 +0000

I love those moments when I am without a sense of self. It's not like being unaware or unconscious, but to be so fully in the moment and in my intention of being available for service that I don't wonder about how I am being perceived or if I am liked and approved of. There is such freedom to surrender to the moment without that self-consciousness. I want to do that more and more. Here are some things that I have learned from my own experiences and the generous sharing of others' experience about being fully in the moment:

1) A rich prayer and meditation practice is the most important tool for letting go of self-consciousness. As we deepen our connection with a Divine Source, we are less and less likely to find approval on the outside or through others. We move and breathe and find our purpose from within and in relationship with Spirit.

2) We must share ourselves and take safe risks with mature and available individuals and support groups. In this way, we release more and more of our past hurts and grief, living more fully and authentically in the present moment. Through our vulnerability, we heal and move more into living our Divine Purpose.

3) Choose to let go of the past and embrace a new way of living. Many of us who are recovering from cosex addiction, co-dependency and living for others, must choose if we are willing to let go of those familiar patterns and risk the unknown. Living in the moment, taking safe risks in our lives, and changing dynamics that no longer serve us requires courage and a willingness to step into unknown territory. It is a choice and we must choose consciously.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Self-Forgiveness

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 13:32:00 +0000

It's still challenging for me to forgive myself. There is this belief within that I "should" know better after being in 12 step recovery for so long. When I get hurt by someone else's bad behavior, I should not have allowed it or somehow anticipated it or I must have attracted it to myself in some way. In other words, I still take responsibility for someone else's behavior.

In reaching out for support recently, someone in program reminded me to look at any resentments that I may have in a specific relationship and what is being affected in my life: my self esteem, relationships, financial issues, insecurities. Interestingly, I discovered my relationship with myself had been damaged. Two individuals in my life behaved badly with me and I believe that I "allowed" it to happen. Of course I did not really allow it, I simply was caught off guard and unable to act in my own best interest in the moment. I made a mistake. Focusing on what they did is not helpful to me. Connecting with the real sense of betrayal I feel from myself and then the difficulty in forgiving myself is the key for my healing and moving on.

Today I intellectually understand that I am not responsible for someone else's bad behavior. I have difficulty, however, when I do not protect myself from it perfectly. I can still get caught off guard, go into minor shock and regress into a little girl reaction.

My commitment to myself is to let myself off the hook when I make a mistake. I can learn from this and know that there will be progress for next time. I will make mistakes and when I hurt myself or others, I can use the tools of our 12 step program including making amends to myself, asking for my Higher Power to help heal this wound, turn it over and letting go.

Blessings to us all on our journey of recovery,

Sally

Focus on self....

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 13:59:00 +0000

In our cosex addiction recovery, we surrender to the discipline taught us in the 12 steps including "praying only for the knowledge of our Higher Power's will for us and the courage to carry that out."

This remains a challenge to my ego still after many years in the program. Often I wonder if my Higher Power really knows what is best for those I love and how could I really let go of my own attempts to control the outcome.

Then there is the concern that I might not get that new home, or my partner, friend or family member may not do what I think they should do in the best interest of my relationship with them.

To really continue the intention and practice of "praying only for the knowledge of my Higher Power's will for me and the courage to carry that out" without using my time and energy for obsessing on what others in my life should do continues to be my stretch behavior. I can begin with where I am at and continually practice focusing only on myself. I can release those I love to this Higher Power and, again, focus on myself. While perfection in this behavior may not be attainable, I know I can make progress over time.

It is a practice that I bring mindfully to my prayer and meditation time daily.

Twelve Step recovery and the discipline of the 12 steps is not an easy spiritual path. It requires determination and continued surrender. Our progress and use of daily program tools offer us the privilege of a daily reprieve from our self-centered attachments.

Today I am able to focus only on my connection to a Higher Power and in my surrender to this intention, I bless those I love and care about as well.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Continued to take personal inventory....

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 12:28:00 +0000

The 12 steps continue to teach and mentor me through my spiritual life. Every problem that I encountered can be bettered through the use of one of these 12 steps. At times I own my powerlessness and see attachments to my own self-will and ego wounds. Other times, I am able to connect with a Higher Power and turn a situation or difficulty over to a divine perspective. There are other times as well where I take action and review my part in an upset or challenging situation. When appropriate I make amends to someone else, myself or simply, yet powerfully, change my own behavior for a living amends. Here are some guidelines for Continuing to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitting it:

1) Keep your prayer and meditation practice alive and well. This will keep my connection with the Divine vibrant and the path for insight open. I will see more clearly my own behavior and be able to think before I speak and react in any given situation; minimizing the need to make amends for my behavior.

2) Often our amends are to ourselves for a lack of boundaries, self-care or not trusting our intuition. Then we are hurt or blindsided by someone else's bad behavior. We can learn these lessons quickly by going within and developing those internal and external boundaries. We deserve to care well for ourselves.

3) An amends to those we are closest to in our lives can simply be a form of apology for how our behavior may have hurt them. There doesn't have to be a long and drawn out explanation, nor do we always need to fully understand the intricacies of all our internal motivations manifested in our relationship behavior with others. A simple apology for our behavior does the trick.

4) Forgiving ourselves and adjusting our behavior to include better self-care makes a difference in our lives. We are on a journey in life, learning to live with values aligned to recovery and new way of living. Our journey of self-love and high functioning teaches us to adjust when necessary and continually grow in wisdom and maturity, forgiving our own transgressions along the way.

One of the greatest gifts of my 12 step recovery journey is seeing myself welcome mature individuals with a great capacity to connect and grow with me. I no longer have to take responsibility for others' bad behavior and know that I deserve the same care and love from others that I give freely. Attracting healthful, kind and responsible behavior from others is one of the greatest gifts of recovery.

Blessings on your journey, Sally

Continued to take personal inventory....

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 14:03:00 +0000

Interestingly enough, I've had two people in the last month take my personal inventory. These are people who claim to be committed to a spiritual journey and work a 12 step program. Initially I was stunned, then went into shame, had some healthful grief and anger and now see the blessing in the experiences with both of them.

One of these people mirror to me grandiosity; a belief in my own uniqueness. This grandiosity lets me off the hook of being responsible for my behavior or honoring of others' boundaries. Because "I am special" I do not have to play by the same rules and can blame others when things do not go my way, rather than see my part.

The other situation mirrored to me the difficulty that I have with closeness and intimacy. Often, I will push my husband away or those I love the most because being loved or "seen" by others is so frightening to me. I am not immune from the effects of my own survival behaviors and must stay awake to my own self-sabotaging.

One of the most powerful tools and practices to assist us in our intimate connections with others is the Tenth Step which tells us to "continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admit it." This practice allows us to stay connected to others and keep the focus on ourselves. We are not responsible when others behave badly. We can keep ourselves in integrity by honoring our own values and reflect on our part in any upset. Once we do this, we take appropriate action to make amends and let go of the results; whether the other person does the same or not.

Living the 12 steps in our lives in not always easy. The rewards, however, keep us grounded in our own values and open to creating authentic relationships with others. In seeing our part in any relationship, growth will occur, whether or not we are met by another taking the same level of maturity and self-responsibility. We grow in intimate relationship with ourselves when we see our part and over time will attract this kind of maturity and self-responsibility in our relationships with others.

In both of these relationships, I see my own opportunity to grow in detachment, keeping the focus on myself, letting go of those not willing to be responsible for their own personal inventory and then attracting more and more mature relationships.

Today I affirm that I deserve relationships with others who have a level of maturity similar to my own. I affirm self-responsibility and connections that support authenticity and honesty and an ever deepening connection to self, spirit and each other. The Tenth Step is an important tool for maintaining our intimate connections with others deserving our attention, energy and spirits.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

From darkness to light...

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 15:39:00 +0000

Shadows reflect our light...

“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light,” said Carl Jung, “but by making the darkness conscious.” As the originator of the concept of “shadow” Carl Jung first brought into our cultural consciousness the necessity of loving ourselves through bringing to consciousness what is in the unconscious. This applies especially to the most unlovable and dark parts that we have worked diligently to hide, repress and deny. As a certified Shadow Work® facilitator and author of a book on the Sacred Feminine, I work with these energies and create environments that allow individuals to explore their darker side. With Sacred Feminine principles, we surrender to it all and know that the connection between dark and light, pain and joy, sickness and health is symbiotic. We cannot experience one without the other. Stepping into my own darkness, looking at my cosex addiction and other addictive dynamics in my life inform me of my shadows and places for Divine light. Using the 12 steps to assist in looking within allows me to continue my own emotional and spiritual maturity and trust my darkness to the light and to my Higher Power.

In “Blessings From Mary” my most recent book, I explore 9 Sacred Feminine Principles and offer daily meditations that lead one to their Divine Purpose. Here I share some ideas inspired by Carl Jung which encourage us to embrace those “dark” emotions rather than avoid and run from them. In an age and culture that prescribes to a quick fix from discomfort: physical, emotional and spiritual, it’s not always an appealing invitation to explore and embrace our shadows. We think if we are feeling good then we are living well and if we are feeling grieve, despair, fear or shame there must be something wrong.

Using our recovery program to share with our sponsor or someone who understands addiction is a tool for bringing into the light that which shame and fear keep hidden. We grow every time we do a 5th step and share our character defects with someone else.

Sacred Feminine spirituality encourages us to meet all of ourselves with open heart and allow our wounds to inform us of all we have to offer. Our woundedness and shadows teach us about our giftedness. In our full embrace of the hurts, pain, “feel-bad” emotions we carry, we also embrace our compassion, joy and deepest sense of self. In the Sacred Feminine perspective, we hold our darkness with comfort, care and a willingness to surrender. In our darkness, we find brilliance, wisdom and authenticity.

From this fullness, we give to others. Our fully experienced grief, fear and pain open our hearts and bring us the unexpected gifts of gratitude, joy and a deepened capacity to love ourselves and others.

Birth-Death-Rebirth

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 17:03:00 +0000

Yesterday I learned that someone I loved and who had been instrumental in my young adult years died. I have no information about the circumstances of his death. This summer while in my hometown, I thought of him often. There were several instances in which I thought of visiting, but then decided against it. I did not know that he was sick.

In my recovery, I can feel my sadness about losing this person on the physical plane and forgive myself for not visiting these last months. In doing so, I receive the gift of more fully trusting my intuitive nudgings and following those desires that whisper to me of action. The next time I think of someone and have the thought to contact them or reach out, I will do so.

Today, I can remember the influence of this man in my teen years and receive his love and acceptance as part of my journey of loving and accepting myself.

As we keep our hearts open, we feel the joys and the losses in life. This experience fills our spirits with hope, gratitude and the never-ending circles of birth, death and rebirth.

Blessings and love,

Sally

Conscious Transitions

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 09:30:00 +0000

My daughter has headed off to college. We drove across country together and now I am with her during her orientation. I am so privileged to share this time with her and enjoy this mother/daughter time together. There is joy, fear, excitement and grief. It's a natural transition in life; to let our children go and support a new level of independence and exploration into the wide, wide world.

I wonder if I have given her enough guidance, taught her enough life skills for day to day functioning and how I will ever survive my aching heart with her across the country and so far away.

My mother and I did not speak about my going off to college. Instead, I noticed she got physically ill the last few months of my senior year in high school and over the summer before my first college semester. It was a momentous event but there was no conscious transitioning or anticipatory communications of what was to come. Personally, I wasn't feeling much as I had already learned to shut down emotionally and survive through focusing on others and pushing through what needed to be done.

Twelve step recovery, family of origin work and personal growth healing allows us all to "do things differently" and for this I am deeply and profoundly grateful. My daughter and I speak about our fears as well as our joys and the exciting possibilities that await her. We've had some upsets that we've talked through and realized are really about my fear of letting her go. I can feel and talk about this all honestly with her. While we both consciously witness this transition, she is given permission to transition in life consciously. Recovery gives us our senses which allow us to be fully present to all that we are experiencing. We have choices, support groups to share with, self-awareness to guide us and a spiritual connection to comfort us.

What an immense gift I am able to give myself and my daughter as I allow myself the authentic experience of this profound transition. We can navigate it emotionally together and find our way with our full self expression and learn to "do it differently" and embrace the experience fully.

With deepest appreciation,

Sally

Living Fully

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 13:25:00 +0000

I want to know the "right thing" to do in my life. This includes what to say in my relationships with others, what courses to take and trainings to do, what will increase my joy and financial income, should I go to Colorado for vacation or visit family in Michigan?

When we come from a dysfunctional or addictive family system, including the avoidance of dealing directly with trauma, we shut down to survive and in the process lose access to ourselves. When I shut down my fear, I shut down my joy. When I shut down my sensitivity, I lose awareness and creativity as well. I become afraid to live fully.

Embracing all of who we are and the pain that we carry, allows us to embrace deep joy. When we honor our pain and trauma, we open to the possibility of healing and maturing through it all. If we deny ourselves our own history, trauma and pain, we live "tightly." We become afraid to make the wrong decision and focus our energy on how to survive with the least amount of scraps and bruises. We become afraid to fully live and risk "wrong" decisions.

Life, when lived with an open and humble heart, is full of risk, pain, joy and wrong turns. On the road to the many wrong turns we make, we find adventure, beauty and learn new ways to go, new ways to be.

Today I know that I will make "wrong" turns and mistakes along the way. I have the tools of amends, seeing my part, asking for help and learning from these mistakes to enhance the journey. I am grateful for the 12 steps that guide me and my own emotional maturity that teaches me self-forgiveness and the courage to live life fully.

The Art of Receiving

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 15:30:00 +0000

As our recovery progresses, we learn so much about ourselves and how to live more authentically. In our dis-ease, we keep secrets, do our best to survive, work harder and rely upon ourselves. Trusting others does not come easily; at least this has been my own personal experience.

In recovery and in our emotional and spiritual maturity, we learn to reclaim behaviors that nurture us and create a sense of connectedness with our community. We reach out for help when we need it, we allow others to give to us out of their authentic desire to contribute and we begin to rely on a Power greater than ourselves to orchestrate and oversee our journey in life.

Here are some ways to practice new behaviors that nourish us, allow us to receive from others and our Spiritual Source, thus enabling us to be filled from within:

1) Practice a daily prayer and meditation time in which you allow yourself to receive Divine energy and blessing. This may simply be sitting quietly and breathing deeply while imagining the Loving energy of our Higher Power, Spirit Guides and Divine Source surrounding us and bestowing blessings upon us. Even five minutes each day will reap great results.

2) Ask for help. This has been challenging for me and risky for most of us. One of the ways that I learned to get through difficult times was "pull myself up by my bootstraps" and work even harder. Trusting others set me up for disappointment. I was often supportive and available to others but did not reach out on my own behalf when in a challenging situation internally or externally. Today I ask for help and use my support system on a regular basis. Even leaving a message for someone asking for support shifts the energy inside of me. I have a sense of connection with others and with a Higher Power.

3) Receive. I give of myself to others in many different ways. Today, more than any other time in my life, my availability to others is a choice. I give from my own fullness within rather than an automatic behavior that focuses on others or avoids what is going on inside of myself by care-taking. I allow myself to receive with humility and gratitude and find that in doing so, the givers are blessed as well.

Authentic generosity reaps a sense of abundance. Giving from a place of fullness multiplies my energy and creates more space to receive.

Blessings to you as you learn to risk reaching out to others and allow yourself to receive.

Love, Sally

Trusting the Flow

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 18:31:00 +0000

I have been traveling with my daughter. It is our last "mother/daughter" trip before she is off to college. She requested this time together and so we cancelled our plane reservations and hit the road. We are in my hometown of Iron Mountain, MI where many of my cousins and relatives still live. My mother's only living sibling was on the front cover of the Iron Mountain News as a 101 year old speaking about her life. It's a rich and generous history I have here, surrounded by natural beauty and an abundance of wildlife. I overheard someone at my cousin's soccer game share the details of their brush with a moose in town a few days ago. It's a different way of life than the hustle and bustle of Houston. As a meditate on the wooden swing on the banks of the Menominee River, I am reminded of the spiritual aspects of "going with the flow." Nature helps me to do this and here are some tips that have come out of my quiet time each day:

1) Breathing deeply assists us in being present and fully relaxed in the moment. Breathe deeply and often to assist in being fully present.

2) My guides and Higher Power tell me that being fully present in the moment is when and where I will encounter spiritual guidance. If I am able to allow myself full surrender to the moment, I will experience the whisperings of Spirit. It is here that I am able to follow the flow more effortlessly and consistently.

3) As I allow myself the experience of full presence and surrendering to the quiet whisperings of Spirit, I can release what does not serve me in thought, feeling and action and receive the guidance I desire in my life. This was significant to me. As I allow my emotional and spiritual maturity to deepen, I am more connected to the Spirit Guides and Soul Partners that inspire, comfort and guide me. In this union, I release what does not serve and offer my desires and prayers with precise consciousness and intention.

I've come to believe that the more conscious I become, the more I am able to discern old patterns of thought and behavior that no longer serve me in my life and interfere with my Holy presence offered to others. As I recognize these old touchstones of familiarity, I can release them to a Spiritual Consciousness. When I release I open energetically for new ways to serve and unite with spiritual resources.

Today I use prayer and meditation and the tools I learn in recovery to be fully present to the moment. In that moment, I release unfavorable thoughts, beliefs and behaviors and open to love, connection and generosity. This surrendering to the flow and trusting the flow allows me to manifest my deepest desires and be of service in new and profound ways.

Blessings to you on your journey of trusting the flow,

Sally

Embracing Shame/Shadows

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 13:53:00 +0000

One of the ways I have learned to see where my own shame hides is to look at my harsh judgments of other women. When I feel shame about something, it goes into shadow. Shadow is those things that Carl Jung taught us about our unconscious and our abilities to hide, repress and deny parts of ourselves. When we are shamed or learn to hide parts of ourselves, they go into our shadow self. Often we then "project" them onto other women and judge them harshly, criticize them or detest them.

Here are some tools for embracing our shadows, owning and transforming these shame filled shadows and free our energy for service and contribution:

•Identifying Shame-review how do we know when we are in shame.

•Embrace it, honor it and share it in safe circles and with safe people.

•Spiritual Solution develop a prayer and meditation practice.

•Sponsorship/12 steps-sharing with another human being makes all the difference.

•Group Support-find support circles that understand how to identify and heal shame.

•Risk feeling shame by practicing new behaviors. New behaviors will often trigger shame as we learn to do things outside of how we learned to survive. Knowing this is part of the process helps.

•BioEnergetic Healing-Reframing-Sculpting, Family Constellations-Shadow Work-Episode Writing-Role Playing

•Competition with Women, Oppression of Women-learn about this and how you, yourself, compete and oppress yourself and the women in your life.

•Practice good, healthy anger and associate with women who support you in your power.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Embracing Risk

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 15:12:00 +0000

Like all recovery from addictive behavior, there is risk involved. The addictive behaviors that we use to medicate our feelings become our friends and comfort. In the realm of human interactions, we know that we might get hurt; people disappoint and sometimes betray us. Our addiction to certain beliefs, behaviors and thoughts and dynamics offer us some security, stability even. Learning to recognize and take responsibility for the "payoffs" in our old ways takes courage. The risk of stepping into the unknown of possibility is real. Here are some tips for embracing the risk with ease:

1) Know that new behaviors are risky. Be with your fear and embrace it with gentleness. Let yourself ease into the new ways slowly and experience the fear as part of the process. Nothing is wrong and everything is right!

2) Prepare yourself with kindness and understanding. When we choose ourselves and new possibilities, we may be confronted with others' resistance. Those around us get used to our smallness, our lack thinking and behaving and it may be threatening when we choose to leave the predictable patterns. Choose yourself and the possibilities that await you as you release the old and embrace the new. Mature support circles will assist with offering a place to go where you belong and find comfort.

3) Take responsibility for your old thinking and behaving. What is the payoff to seeing yourself as a victim, or care-taking others, or pleasing those around you? What is the payoff to seeing yourself as a victim to financial circumstances? What is really at risk for your to choose yourself and allow yourself to dream big? Being addicted to certain ways of thinking and behaving becomes comfortable and maturely seeing our part in this gives freedom and choice.

4) Remember that you are not alone. Nurture your relationship with a Higher Power. We don't ever have to do it alone and this vital spiritual connection gives us places to surrender our fear and shame. In this spiritual connection, we are given the courage to embrace the risk that comes with growing and changing and welcome the joy that follows.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Embracing our Shame

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Mon, 23 May 2011 14:27:00 +0000

There is much that is counterintuitive about shame and recovery work. We learn to avoid certain feelings and behaviors as a way to survive and be effective in our lives. When it comes to shame and recovery work, however, the answer is to fully embrace all of what we feel, think and how we behave; especially that which we want to hide the most. In fully embracing these characteristics of ourselves, we come to know who we really are. Honoring and embracing shame allows us to find deep compassion for our own wounds and teaches us to love fully. As we learn to embrace the darkest parts of ourselves and bring them into the light, our heart opens and we have more mature care and love to offer to others. Here are some tips for embracing shame:

1) Develop a relationship with a Higher Power that loves and accepts you unconditionally. We may need to do some work with our image of God/Goddess/Spirit/Higher Power in order to be certain that our image is pure and not based on parental characteristics or a shaming demeanor learned in childhood.

2) Create circles of support that empower and nourish us in our authenticity. Recovery support circles where we learn new behaviors and can do our grief work are essential in teaching us to fully love ourselves and live life differently.

3) Trauma resolution, grief work and bioenergetic healing is an important piece of embracing our shame and loving ourselves. We are learning how trauma is stored in the body. We need places that understand this and create a container for releasing this trauma from the body.

In allowing ourselves the experience of embracing our shame, sharing our deepest secrets and receiving blessings from others in spite of it all, we heal. In our healing we learn mature self-love, self-forgiveness and self-care. Our compassionate hearts break open and we love more deeply and fully. We become the wounded healers and servants of compassion.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Breaking the Silence and Repairing Connection

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Mon, 09 May 2011 14:05:00 +0000

One of the practices that one who is recovering from trauma learns is necessary in the ongoing healing from the trauma is breaking the silence. Breaking the silence around what has happened to us, where addiction has affected our lives or how we have been abused is one of the first actions to take in continued healing and empowerment.

As cosex addicts, there is a strong identification with being victimized by an acting out partner and being caught off guard by the trauma of betrayal. When we look more honestly at the situation and begin our own recovery work, we see our part more clearly. This does not excuse anyone else's behavior, but it does allow us to accept our part in the denial, our lack of boundaries and over-focus on another individual. We begin to look at the family of origins that we learned our behavior within and see a pattern within ourselves that has kept us locked in shame and fear. Here are some guidelines and practices for breaking the silence and repairing connection:

1) We must ask for help when the trauma and betrayal is revealed. In asking for help, we begin to step outside of our own denial and move into the possibility of seeing with a new set of eyes.

2) We learn the facts about addiction, dysfunction families and start to see of our family of origin set-up for our own lack of boundaries and cosex addiction. Seeing our own medicating of feelings through an eating disorder, alcohol, shopping, over-volunteering, extreme care-taking for our children and family, gossiping and triangulating allows us to uncover our authentic selves. With our honesty and personal power beginning to emerge, we can make new choices.

3) A vibrant and authentic spiritual practice and support circle is an ongoing necessity for repairing connection with ourselves and others. In our spiritual practice we connect honestly with our Higher Power and use the tools of the 12 steps to deal with the challenges that arise in our lives. In a support circle that understands recovery from cosex addiction and empowerment work, we continue to speak our reality which allows us to keep from falling into denial and silence. As we reach out to others, our Higher Power and honor our own reality, we begin to repair connections; first with ourselves and our Higher Power and then with those we choose to be in a relationship with over time.

Honesty, spiritual connection and ongoing support are the paths to Authentic Connection with ourselves and others.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Persistence

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Wed, 04 May 2011 15:26:00 +0000

The word "persistent" means continuing firmly or obstinately in a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition. For women recovering from cosex addiction, this can be tricky. Sometimes in our dis-ease we tolerate and tolerate and tolerate and tolerate, without a sense of self and good boundaries. Persistence in this regard is really feeding our dis-ease and not necessarily feeding our recovery and self-esteem. There is a time to hold on and a time to let go.

Persistence in our recovery, however, is something else. Looking inside, seeing our patterns of behavior, honestly reviewing our family of origin set-up, formally writing the 12 steps, using the tools of the program and being consistent in developing a support network is a good use of the energy of persistence. When we use persistence to embrace the obstacles along the way, walk through the shame and fear that we inevitably encounter-we reap the benefits of emotional and spiritual maturity. We develop the capacity to care well for ourselves and the ability to choose who we attract into our lives. Our persistence teaches us to trust ourselves above all others and from this trusted relationship with self, we choose how to care well for ourselves physically, emotionally, relationally, spiritually and financially.

Persistence with discernment and the perspective of our recovery support group makes all the difference.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Miracles...

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 13:45:00 +0000

Today I am experiencing a miracle. I am moved by it all. The origin of the word miracle comes from the Latin meaning "objects of wonder." It is true that I am experiencing an "object of wonder."

As I look at this transformation and the miracles in my life, I notice some common elements in each of the objects of wonder I have experienced. I share with you as an invitation to see how to manifest for yourself and to compare it some of the elements you see in the miracles of your life.

1) Miracles seem to happen over time rather than immediate. Therefore, being faithful to myself and determined to stay focused on the miracle is important.

2) The foundation for this "objects of wonder" happening is a fertile ground. This fertile ground is prayer and meditation. A relationship with a Higher Power and a place to bring my struggles and challenges has been essential.

3) Doing my part. When I want something to change in my life, I have to do my part. Look at my own behavior, ask someone for help, be willing to let go of thoughts and beliefs that no longer serve me and stay close to my own spiritual practice.

4) An essential part of my the fertile ground and doing my part when looking for change is a vibrant support system. I know that I need people who understand personal growth, family of origin work and share the journey of healing, empowerment and transformation.

This week I am especially reminder that miracles can and do happen in my life, most especially when I am willing to do my part.

Blessings to you,

Sally

Safety begins inside....

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 12:21:00 +0000

I've recently been involved in a conversation involving men apologizing to women and making amends for years of oppression. My initial reaction was one of gratitude and the thought occurred to me that, "it was about time." I've been following the conversation, responses and reactions to this video. It's been interesting and I curiously continue to observe. The conversations have begun to revolve around safety and feeling "safe."

These conversations and other conversations we have around "safety" are especially interesting to me. We are all concerned with feeling "safe" it seems. We talk about how safety is important and when we speak our "truth" we don't feel safe and when we do speak our "truth" we feel safe and when we are listened to we feel "safe" and when we are not listened to we do not feel "safe" and on and on and on.

First of all, safety is not a feeling. It's an opinion, judgment or assessment of a situation. It's okay to assess and judge, it's just more effective to own that's what it is. The feeling that we are most likely allowing to go undistinguished is fear. The feeling we feel when we perceive we are not safe is fear. Let's own that too.

So what is safety in the recovery and personal growth circles that we all venture into? I don't know what it is for someone else. I know for me that I judge I am safe when I judge that my opinions and perspective will be heard, whether there is agreement with my point of view of not. Being heard and listened to and respected without a strong emotional charge. When I sit in a circle with others and we take turns, allowing all to share their opinions, listening with a detached curiosity, whether in agreement or not, that creates an environment of "safety." I do not have fear present then. I simply speak my view and listen to others.

There is something significant to me in this conversation about safety for cosex addicts and for women in general since we are conditioned to look to others for our care. We also look to others for our "safety" and have learned to navigate the emotional land mines around us by not sharing our perspectives or viewpoints and working hard at being "safe." I think it is an important conversation for men as well as we are all attempting to navigate feeling "safe" and don't always have all the skills to take responsibility for this state of being ourselves. How we care for ourselves, embrace our own healing and grief work and learn to look within for our "safety" are good first steps to being "safe."

Our "safety" begins within and has to do with noticing when we feel fear and discerning its source. Sometimes we feel fear when we are in a "safe" environment because those old beliefs and wounds are free to come to the surface, no longer hidden deep within. This happens in 12 step recovery circles for cosex addiction and sex addiction. The feeling of fear may actually be in response to a "safe" environment where we know that we are seen and respected and can no longer hide inside. Odd, but true.

There are also times when we feel fear and it is old fear like being around someone who reminds us of someone in our history who has hurt us. In this case, the fear is alerting us to a past hurt and danger, but not a current one.

There are yet other times when we feel fear and it is healthy instinct alerting us to the dangers that await us. This may be physical dangers like being in an unsafe neighborhood. We will also learn to trust our intuition and begin to notice emotionally dangerous potential connections with others. When we do recovery and family of origin healing work, our instincts return to us and we can learn to trust them. There are individuals that pose a potential threat to our emotional well-being and our fear alerts us to this. As we maintain a strong connection to our 12 step cosex addiction recovery program we learn to trust these instincts. We can trust this over time. Yes we can!

Discerning our own emotional states especially fear is part of creating "safety" in our lives, as this "safety" begins within. As we do our own healing, family of origin and emotional intelligence work, we begin to develop the skills to discern our own feelings. We can then begin to observe and review the characteristics of outside environments and maturity levels of others with whom we choose to relate, or not relate, if that is the case.

Our recovery work, support systems, steps and tools of healing are available to us. We can and will learn to attract "safe" environments, relationships and nurture our own inner knowing and intuition. This begins by feeling the fear, discerning its source and knowing that we are responsible for our safety; inside and out.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Cosex Addiction and Sex Addiction; Surrendering to the Unknown

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 14:58:00 +0000

Learning to live authentically, when we have lived out of our old beliefs and fears, takes courage. We must surrender ourselves to a Power greater than ourselves and trust the journey of 12 step recovery and cosex addiction healing. We risk doing things differently than we have done in the past. Living outside of our dysfunction, codependency, learning new behaviors and risking the possibility of living authentically requires delving into the unknown. Here are some tips for transforming cosex addiction and sex addiction into authentic living as we surrender to the unknown:

1) Develop a relationship with a Higher Power. Nurturing this spiritual connection requires daily prayer and meditation. Even five minutes a day will begin to nourish this spiritual practice and provide us with a tool that we can use in our lives on a daily basis.

2) Develop relationships with others in 12 step recovery who choose to address their own cosex addiction and sex addiction. Knowing that we are not alone and there are others who have gone before us to share their wisdom and experience makes all the difference. Feeling connected to a recovery community gives us courage, strength and unlimited resources.

3) Remember that mistakes along the path are part of learning to surrender to the unknown. Continue on the path with these tools: 12 step meetings, working the 12 steps, family of origin work, developing a regular prayer and meditation practice, will insure transformation. When taking these actions, you will have a strong foundation of self-love and forgiveness when you make mistakes. Surrender to progress and not perfection.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Regrets...

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 14:42:00 +0000

Have you ever regretted something you did or did not do? How did you move beyond the regret? What did you learn from the experience?

Looking back and feeling regret is a part of life and our 12 step recovery journey will assist us in seeing these regrets and moving beyond them. Sometimes we see our reactivity in our relationships with others and wish we could have behaved differently. In our dis-ease, we see how we focused on energy on other people in an unbalanced way or learned to use substances including food or alcohol to cope and have regrets about this. In our addictive behavior, we also neglect our children, our families, friends, careers and health. Having some regret is part of our healing and empowerment journey. So how can we maximize the experience of regret? Here are some suggested tools turning our regrets into a welcome experience:

1) Embrace and acknowledge the regret. We can not transform anything until we fully acknowledge what is, right here and right now. Our 12 step journey gives us the emotional capacity and honesty to admit the existence of our regrets, grieve and find the gifts and learning from the experience.

2) Take the regret with any shame or grief to our Higher Power or Spiritual Source. In our prayer and meditation practice we can do our part (acknowledge the regret) and symbolically lay it at the feel of our Spiritual Source. We can allow our Higher Power to do for us what we may not be able to do for ourselves; forgive ourselves, heal and move through the regret.

3) Forgive ourselves. Once we are able to honestly acknowledge our regrets and offer ourselves compassion for doing our best at that time, we can begin to forgive. In our self-forgiveness we receive love and understanding from our Higher Power. The more that we embrace love and understanding for ourselves, the more we are able to offer this to others from a place of fullness and authenticity. We have more love, compassion and understanding to give to others.

4) Find the gift in the regret. Perhaps we regret not pursuing our dreams as a young woman because of our addictions or codependency. Once we embrace this regret, we can look at pursuing our dreams today. What is it that we wish to do today? Are there dreams we want to pursue and move toward? If we have behaviors that we regret with people we love, we can make amends and adjust our behavior. This is a gift for them as well.

With our support system in place, we can take actions to follow our passions, make amends for our behavior and use the tools to live more authentically within our own value system. At this stage of our recovery and healing, we have grieved, connected more deeply with our Higher Power, forgiven ourselves and offered this understanding and compassion to others. We transform regrets and integrate what we have learned into our lives today.

Blessings to you,

Sally