cosexaddiction.com blog

What's At Risk?

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Sat, 28 Sep 2013 20:35:00 +0000

What's At Risk?

One of the most courageous things we do on our life journey is to face our own addictions, wounds and family of origin issues. While I will never forget the physical pain of giving birth and the incredible sense of power getting to the other side of that process, walking daily with a Higher Power and taking responsibility for my life in all areas and in all ways draws even more deeply from my core.

In cosex addiction, like not other addiction, it is most challenging to keep the focus on ourselves. Since many women come into cosex addiction through a partner's sex addiction, this is understandable. However, eventually, if we are to truly commit to living an emotionally and spiritually mature life, we must come to seeing ourselves as responsible for where our life is right here and right now. We are not victims to what happens to us in our lives. Yes, we are victimized and trauma, incest, sexual assault, betrayal, abuse we have endured is real. We don't take responsibility for what has happened to us. We do, however, take responsibility for what will happen to us from this day forward.

In order to grow ourselves up, own our power, reconnect to our intuitive wisdom and learn the mastery of our own boundaries and voice, we must ask ourselves, "what's at risk for letting go of being a victim in our own lives?" There is a payoff in keeping ourselves small and voiceless once we are aware. When we are able to be honest about this, we begin to access our choices around it. Awareness leads to choice.

When I asked myself recently "what was at risk for me to do something different in my marriage" I was faced with the part of me that doesn't want to grow up. Although I've done father loss and reprinting work for years, there is still a small, fatherless little girl inside who misses her dad. In fully embracing my voice and power in my marriage, I give up the fantasy, at another level, that my husband is going to fill the daddy void inside. These awarenesses are subtle and in seeing the subtleties, there is great power and choice.

In all our addictive behavior and most especially in the dynamic of cosex addiction and sex addiction, answering the "what's at risk?" question honestly gifts us abundantly. We have another opportunity for deeper connection to ourselves and others. We see choices more clearly and experience greater freedom. There is less likelihood that we blame our partners when we are hurt or triggered. We are empowered, adult, strong and intuitive women when we honestly own our payoffs for staying small and victimized.

Simple tools like, "what's at risk?" when used with honesty and willingness, intervene on old patterns with force. Addictive patterns are transformed to authentic connections.

For more details information on "what's at risk?" follow this link: http://www.blessingsfrommary.com/files/WorkingTheRisks.pdf

Blessings and love to you on your journey,
Sally

Being Present

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Fri, 19 Jul 2013 14:02:00 +0000

We are healed from suffering only by experiencing it to the full. Marcel Proust

One of the things that I remind myself and others of often is that pain is a great teacher. In our pain, we develop greatness of Spirit, if and only if we embrace our pain from a place of power, not victim mentality and allow ourselves the gift of community so that we are witnessed in love. In our victim mentality, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_mentality, we become attached to seeing ourselves and outside circumstances from a particular viewpoint and in doing so, familiarity becomes comfortability. Even though the familiar viewpoint keeps us stuck and without our personal power and choice, it is preferable to acting in power and conscious choice, as the outcome of acting in this way are unfamiliar to us.

When we embrace our emotional states and allow ourselves to be fully present, we experience a sacred connection: to self, Spirit and others. Our pain, sadness, shame and fear will teach us much if we find the courage to embrace these emotions. If we are driven consciously or unconsciously by feelings that we simply want to avoid, we end of losing the precious ability to be fully present in the each moment. Sadness, anger, fear, joy and shame can drive us to avoid, medicate or numb ourselves and our bodies, spirits and relationships will suffer. When we breathe deeply, trust our spiritual connection and community and let ourselves be present in the moment, we learn that our feelings are just feelings, not facts, and that we have a choice about how we hold them. We can let the wisdom of our emotions inform us, teach us and guide us in healthful actions in our daily lives. In this awareness and being emotionally present, we have choices for caring well for ourselves: physically, spiritually and emotionally, as well as letting go of the past, creating our future and enjoying the privilege of being in the moment.

If the emotion feels overwhelming, we learn to ask for help. Remember the origin of the word, "emotion" means "to move." The implication is a flow or movement in energy. We begin to feel stuck when we "shut-down" our feelings rather than embrace and allow to move through us. This is where support and community make a difference.

Being present, fully present, means embracing our pain which in turn deepens our connection to joy. Being witnessed, experiencing the support of community and developing deep emotional intelligence is the key to a full life, filled with meaning, purpose and service.

Blessings and love to you all,

Sally

www.blessingsfrommary.com/offerings

Fierce, Loving and Clear

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Tue, 14 May 2013 00:29:00 +0000

Wow-This is a picture that reminds me to be Fierce with my self-care, with my program, with my boundaries as well as honor my beauty and feminine nature which loves connection, nurturing, support. I also know that my feminine nature is powerfully instinctual and intuitive and with strong, loving boundaries in place that honor my energy, I think and act with clear intention. I am in service of myself and others. I give from my own fullness within.

The 12 steps are a guideline for living a full, empowered and amazing life. This life must have begin with learning good boundaries, a strong sense of self and the courage to risk living differently, breaking our old vows and beliefs around enabling, codependency and tolerating the untolerable.

Blessings to you on your journey,

Sally

Communication, detachment and love.

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 21:34:00 +0000

When I first got into 12 step recovery, I began to learn about boundaries. I realized that I did not have them, nor did I really understand what they were and how to use them to create intimacy in my relationships. It took time to develop these skills. First, I had to begin to identify my feelings, wants and needs and then learn a language for communicating them to others. Early on, in my naiveté, I also learned that just because I knew what I was feeling, needing and wanting, not everyone else cared or wanted to hear about those newfound awarenesses.

Over time, my learning about boundaries matured and deepened. I began to understand that there was a context to what I shared, when I shared it and to whom it was shared. I also learned that even though I knew what my own boundaries were in a specific situation and were able to communicate them to others, they were not automatically respected. These situations revealed a lot about the people with whom I was in relationship, as well as what realistic and reasonable expectations might be for me on my part.

There were also many times that I engage in a conflict around boundaries violated to try and "prove my point," be "sure I was heard," and simply because I was addicted to drama. I would feel shame if someone got angry or I made a mistake with not having good boundaries or being too rigid. More often than not, I was learning a new set of skills and the process of navigating all of these situations with my newly developed communication skills and boundaries was messy. I wasn't always sure how to best handle the differing circumstances. Needless to say, learning functional communication and relationship skills is a journey, not a destination.

Today in my life I notice how much more easily I stand up for myself, without blaming or attacking the other person. I see my own expectations as appropriate and sometimes I don't have any expectations and I let go of outcomes readily. I don't expect others to do for me what I am unwillling to do for myself. I no longer put my unmet childhood needs on friends, family or strangers and I communicate easily with love for myself and others.

Gratefully, I've learned many skills needed to experience authentic, fulfilling relationships with others and with myself.

Blessings to you on your journey,

Sally

The Gift of Tension and Struggle

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Tue, 05 Mar 2013 21:27:00 +0000

Growth, transformation and change of any kind involves tension. The original origin of the word "tension" means to "stretch." Stretching ourselves in mind, body, spirit and emotional intelligence is the foundation of the recovery and personal growth work that we do. We are learning to stretch our perspectives, our familiar problem solving skills, our spirits and learn what gifts our emotions have for us, without acting out those feelings unconsciously.

In our cosex addiction and codependency, we often allow the tension we experience emotionally to drive us to behaviors that we later regret or do not serve our highest good. When fearful about our own or someone else's behavior, we act that fear out by snooping, trying to control or manipulate outcomes, eat, shop or otherwise try to medicate or stop the fearful tension we experience inside.

If angry, we may not know how to hold that energy inside without raging, trying to force a solution or hurt ourselves or others.

Even with joy and happiness, we may be inexperienced in allowing these emotions to be and feel some tension or discomfort with their newness. This may be a time we try to dissolve the discomfort or tension and not fully let ourselves integrate the experience.

Using addictive behaviors, substances and/or thinking patterns to relieve the tension prematurely can lead to automatic reactions that do not serve our growth and personal transformation.

When a sex addict relieves the tension with sexual acting out, the addictive pattern becomes anchored. When the tension is experienced and intervention occurs without addicting out the tension, one is able to reframe and re-pattern thinking and behavior. The addictive cycle is interrupted and a new way for holding the tension is created.

As cosex addicts we can do the same. We can learn to tolerate our own emotions and the tension within by using the tools of recover. We can channel the energy in ways that intervene on our usual patterns of attempting to control, medicate our feelings or manipulate someone else's behavior.When we intervene on our own usual addictive patterns and hold the tension, we can avoid hurting ourselves or others. In holding the tension without acting it out, we develop the maturity to think through our options, reach out for support, choose behaviors that honor our values and act in alignment with our spiritual program.

Surviving tension, without prematurely acting it out teaches us to thrive within our own spiritual and emotional maturity. The gifts of tension teach us about our own personal power, deepens our relationship with a Power greater than ourselves and transforms our obsolete ways of being.

Enjoy this story of the butterfly's need for tension and struggle.

http://instructor.mstc.edu/instructor/swallerm/Struggle%20-%20Butterfly.htm

Blessings to you on your journey of transformation and growth.

Sally

It's all about me

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Tue, 29 Jan 2013 00:50:00 +0000

After many, many years in 12 step recovery and doing personal growth work, I have come to the conclusion that the journey never ends. It is, as is said, "a journey, not a destination." In our driven, hierarchical, competitive culture, it's a reminder that I need to repeat often. I learn, I grow, I relearn, I forget, remember and then relearn again. Depending on our histories, some lessons take longer to integrate than others. Thank goodness there is a lifelong learning curve and many opportunities to develop compassion and understanding for ourselves and others.
In Relationships From Addiction to Authenticity and in our dis-ease of cosex addiction, we learn to use the 12 steps as tools for living our lives. The principles of a recovery program teach us how to take care of ourselves in a new way. Here a some of the most potent actions we can take to do things differently on our journey of recovery:

*Asking for help. If we reach out to one another or to a sponsor when we are in pain or unsure of how to proceed, we begin to train our brains to do things differently. We begin to see other perspectives and develop more variety in our problem solving skills.

*Sharing in support circles. Speaking aloud and breaking the silence that we carry inside and perhaps learned to tolerate at a very young age is necessary in order for us to grow and live authentically. Twelve step meetings, grief support or other gatherings in which we are called together to support, listen and stand for each other is both comforting and empowering.

*Physical self-care. One of the most important tools for self-care is exercise and physical release of energy. It becomes the norm to stay focused in our minds and over think situations and relationships. Taking time to rest and then exercising and moving our energy is another important self-care action that can make a different in our emotional, physical and spiritual well-being.

*Daily Prayer and Meditation. This is by far the most powerful tool for me and does not ever fail to amaze. Some days, when I think I simply do not have time to pray and/or meditate, are the days that require I take time to do so. Again, when we contradict what our brain tells us under stress we can begin to "retrain" our brains to take the actions needed for our own highest good. Prayer and meditation give me a space where I can release my fear, shame, attachments and rigid thinking and receive guidance, intuitive nudgings, refinement in my listening to the still, small voice inside and comfort.

In our first few months, maybe even years, of coming into cosex addiction recovery, we falsely hope that we will learn how to control and change our partner so that they are available, faithful and respectful of us. In time, we learn that as we focus on ourselves and use the tools of the program to deepen our own self love, self-care, and spiritual connection, life becomes sweet, whether our partner does or doesn't. We learn to care for our own well-being and nourish our divine purpose and passions. It's all about me in the most generous and unselfish ways.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Admission of powerlessness

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Sun, 09 Dec 2012 22:32:00 +0000

It's a challenge to get there, but when we do, what a relief. Admitting we are powerless and in need of help is the first step in our 12 steps and the most important in creating a life of freedom, choice and inspired joy.

Every week I am privileged to witness individuals who are seeking help, asking for support and reaching out to assistance and in doing so, experiencing clarity, wisdom and connection. Recently, the simply act of making a phone call and leaving a message for a support friend opened up a new perspective of seeing a situation which made a huge difference for me.

Letting go of an old belief that says I have to "figure it out myself" or "I'm alone" or even "no one will understand or be able to help me" opens the door for a new way to live. Whatever the flavor of the old belief might be, it is wise to seek a new way of living; one that begins with admitting our need for help.

Admitting powerlessness requires humility; knowing we are human, both brilliant and fallible. Reaching out for assistance is both an act of power and humility, an act of strength and vulnerability. In this paradox of our humanness and our divinity, both sides of these seemingly opposite qualities offer us choice, new possibilities and the option of acting in love for ourselves and others.

Blessings to you on your miraculous journey that begins with admitting powerlessness, asking for help and receiving the spiritual medicine available.

Sally

Spirituality and Remission

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Mon, 19 Nov 2012 16:29:00 +0000

In our dis-ease and dysfunction, we often look to others to fill our emptiness within. "If only he loved me, if only she could see how much I care...." This, however, is not our teaching, is not our path in 12 step spirituality. We belong to a spiritual lineage now. Our worth comes from within, our primary connection is to self and a Power Greater than ourselves that restores us to our authentic truth, to sanity.

Whenever we find ourselves seeking the approval of an outside source, we can gently remind ourselves that our security, our self connection and worth, come from within and from the relationship we nourish with our Higher Power.

Eight of the 12 steps that are foundational in our cosex addiction recovery, bring us in direct communication and contact with a Spiritual Source. Let us know deep in our cells, minds, spirits that this is the answer to our seeking. From this Divine Source comes the response we want and desire for living emotionally, spiritually and physically intelligent and mature lives.

As a result of our spiritual lives, our dis-ease is in remission. We live one day at a time with our Higher Power and learn to find our vitality from within.

Blessings, Sally
www.cosexaddiction.com
www.blessingsfrommary.com

Sally

Death and Recovery

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Thu, 25 Oct 2012 13:18:00 +0000

This is the birthday of someone I love very much. She died 10 years ago. She was the matron of honor in my wedding, my daughter's godmother and at one time, my mentor and employer. She loved me too.

We also had conflict and power struggles. The closeness of our connection scared both of us and we had wounds from our relationships with our mothers that seemed to surface in our friendship. At times it was more painful than joyful. I'm grateful we both had awareness and a commitment to personal growth. We talked about our difficulties often and we were able to grow together.

She died rather suddenly. At the time of her death, we hadn't had much contact. I believe that she became addicted to pain killers and was unwilling to keep herself in recovery, doing the grief and trauma transformation work that keeps us healthful and dis-ease free. While I grieved her death, I knew that there was nothing I could have done to help her. At that stage of her dis-ease, she was choosing the addiction and not willing to ask for help. I recognized the symptoms of addiction and stopped allowing her to drive with my daughter in the car since her behavior had become sporadic and unpredictable, just like the dis-ease of addiction does.

Today I honor her for who she was and who she wasn't. The gifts of her mentoring and mirroring of me has been invaluable. We both did the best that we could and accepted the consequences of those choices, even when they are inevitable...death. I certainly wish she had chosen to keep herself in 12 step recovery, doing the family of origin grief work that probably would have kept her alive, not having to medicate her pain. But she chose as she did. And today, I can love and accept her as she was. Her spirit of generosity is with me and in many ways our relationships has deepened and continued.

The seasons of birth and death are part of life. I am grateful to have recovery and community that keeps me both grounded and spiritually connected.

Blessings and love,

Sally

Intuition and 12 Step Recovery

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Thu, 18 Oct 2012 13:00:00 +0000

When we define intuition, it is thought to be an immediate knowing, spiritual insight, a gut instinct that comes naturally, organically. Intuition gives us information and a tool for living that guides us on our path and connects us to our inner wisdom. Often as a result of addictive dynamics and behaviors in our lives, we lose the ability to draw upon this innate wisdom. When we have dealt with and begun to recover from our own addictive behaviors: cosex addiction, eating disorders, over-volunteering, excessive co-dependency and other obsessive compulsive disorders, our energy is freed to reconnect and reclaim this deep knowing and wisdom. Our intuition becomes a part of our life again and we refer to it to assist and guide us in living emotionally and spiritual intelligent lives.
Here are 4 practices to reestablish our connection to our intuition and strength the vibration of this inner wisdom that we can do on a daily basis:

1. Daily meditation. Start with 5 minutes a day of sitting quietly, breathing deeply and allowing yourself the experience of silence. Notice the thoughts that come in and release them with love. Pay attention to your physical body and honor its communication to you. Increase the time as you go and be gentle, compassionate and disciplined with your practice.

2. Notice your thoughts during the day. A reminder that sugar doesn't make your feel good is your intuition guiding you. If someone comes to mind during the day, make a note of it and call or email to make contact. Acknowledging these reminders and thoughts throughout the day and then acting on them will build trust within yourself and strengthen your skill in honoring your intuition.

3. Read and study other women's work on intuition. Marion Woodman writes from a deep and profound personal and professional experience as a Jungian analyst and shares years of devotion to the study of intuition. Paula Reeves writes about very practical and mystical benefits to recognizing and honoring intuition. There are courses and many scholarly writings on this topic that will enhance and inspire your deepened understanding and development of it.

4. Keep your 12 step spiritual program as a foundation in your life. When we are involved in addictive behavior or dynamics in our relationships, there is an addictive cycle in place. As described in "Relationships From Addiction to Authenticity*," once the "hit" from whatever behavior we engage in is experienced, there is temporary relief. The "high" cannot be sustained, however and the tension begins to build, along with the pain, fear, guilt and remorse. We "act out" again to relieve this tension, experience the temporary high, which wears off, begins to build into tension again leading once more to the "addictive acting out or acting in." To truly free our energy and allow a spiritual connection to fill this hole in our soul, we must intervene on this addictive cycle. Once abated, our energy is freed to use as we choose, most especially, to develop our intuition.

Blessings on your journey, Sally

*www.cosexaddiction.com
www.blessingsfrommary.com

Joy

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Sun, 23 Sep 2012 17:18:00 +0000

One of the things that I didn't understand when I first got into recovery was that my pain would ultimately lead me to more joy. When I authentically embrace my pain and hurts and release them in safe, supportive environments, I create the space to receive more joy, fulfillment and connection. When I avoid or shut down my emotional self to avoid pain I also shut down my emotional self and lose the ability to embrace joy, inspiration and the miracles of being fully present and alive.

In "Relationships From Addiction to Authenticity" many brave women tell their stories of betrayal, shock and addiction and how these experiences were transformed into authentic connection to self, Spirit and others. This transformation comes through our emotional honesty and acknowledgement of our hurt and pain. It is not a journey for the weak of heart but one for the strong of spirit; committed to creating a life full of possibility and dreams fulfilled. Courage is required to bear our souls, open our hearts and allow the vulnerability of our pain to be held in the loving care of others. This is our path to trust as well. We learn to trust ourselves, a Higher Power and we choose trustworthy people.

In Chapter 5 Trusting and Embracing Feelings in the book, "Relationships From Addiction to Authenticity", there are stories shared and discussions about how to feel our emotions and stop mood-altering behaviors to avoid feeling.Once we develop this emotional intelligence and make new choices, our senses are opened and our intuition increased. We are able to let our feelings inform us and our intuition guide us but not run us. We have choice and conscious awareness.

Joy is the outcome of honesty, full self-expression and the release of denial. One must experience both pain and joy in order to live a full and deeply rich life.

Many blessings on your journey,

Sally

Discernment

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 15:35:00 +0000

Discernment is a skill and seemingly straightforward. It's easy to "discern" whether something is good for me or not, what I should buy or not buy, or whether I should take some action or trust the internal guidance I think I am receiving. Or is it?

As defined by the dictionary, discernment means "the ability to judge well." It seems simple enough, but in fact our subjective perceptions are often skewed by personal desires, experiences, egos and self-will. Discernment, in its most mature sense, requires that we open ourselves to certain steps and developmental learning. It actually requires that we open to the guidance of a Higher Power, seek the perceptions and viewpoints of others and admit to ourselves that our own perceptions and viewpoints may be based solely on personal feelings, tastes and opinions; not actually on what is the most astute action to take.

Earnestly seeking outside assistance when we want discernment in an area of our lives is not only wise and mature, but necessary.

Twelve step spirituality has inherent within it all that is necessary for sophisticated, objective and mature discernment. There is a spiritual relationship with a Power greater than ourselves weaved within the 12 steps of any recovery program which brings us back again and again to seeking a broader viewpoint in any situation.

We also have directives for seeking the opinions and perspectives of a sponsor and other individuals who are also committed to the values of a spiritual program. This adds an additional safety valve for fully developed discernment.

Last but not least is the instruction and guidance for the individual to reflect upon their "own part" in any given situation. What past experiences do we bring to the situation which affects the perceived outcome? Is there an attachment to a desired outcome that may be influencing our choices? For an individual to be accountable for how they may be impacting a preferred result is the final security gate. When we pass through this concluding test of certainty in the honest exploration of seeking wisdom, we know authentic discernment is nearly assured.

Discernment may not be for those accustomed to instant gratification as these layers of safeguards must be gone through to achieve the full value of it and this takes time. Twelve step spirituality offers us once again the guideposts for discerning the appropriate and wise actions to take as we recovery from cosex addiction, codependency and our own individual addictive dynamics in life. The 12 steps are practices and habits of life. It may take time to develop the skills of discernment, but with these three steps in place, it's possible and probable that honest and authentic guidance will come to us. Then, the choice to follow this discernment or not will be ours.

Family of origin, grief work, deep feeling work, trauma resolution....

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 16:51:00 +0000

Doing the deep feeling work that John Bradshaw refers to below is the foundation for creating a life one dreams about and desires. It is the necessary precursor to a life free of the addictive dynamics and repetitive behaviors born out of trauma and learned defenses in our history.

In our fast paced, wounded patriarchal system, we want to 'get it done and get it done fast', however, the journey of emotional and spiritual maturation has its own pace. We are on a journey, not driving to a destination, and surrendering to the journey, the flow of Divine guidance in this process is essential to receiving all of the gifts therein.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lUVBdfFFe1k

Let's honor ourselves, one another and the process by creating kind circles of support, nourishing spiritual practices that heal and by doing our own deep feeling work as part of our commitment in life. As we heal, learn to fully love and accept ourselves and our histories, we are ready to serve and contribute to others.

Addiction to Authenticity...

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Tue, 14 Aug 2012 20:49:00 +0000

Have you ever found yourself in a situation in which there seems to be only one solution to a problem? Is there a habit that you wish to change, one that you have been attempting to change for years perhaps, that you simply aren't able to alter on your own?

Habits can be hard to break and creating new habits can take time, especially if our old habits are fear or anxiety based. New evidence in Cognitive Behavior Therapy shows that it is possible to create new reactions and behaviors in our relationships with others even when old reactions and behaviors are strongly imbedded in our brain chemistry.

A tool used to do this is called ERP (exposure and response prevention) and very simply this involves noticing what the old thought or behavior is and ignoring it. By not doing the behavior we begin to develop a new wiring for "not doing the behavior." When we "ignore" that old wiring by not using it, the wiring begins to "disconnect" from lack of use. A new wiring system in the brain begins to develop. More options for thinking and behaving are created and new habits developed.

In my cosex addiction, what keeps the addition in place is doing the same things over and over again even when I am looking for new results. In my commitment to create authenticity in my partnership and in all my relationships, including my relationship with myself, I consciously choose to "notice" my thoughts and the "habits" of reacting but also then choose to delay the behavior. Personally, I've learned to breathe into my discomfort and let the old wiring disconnect. In doing so, other authentic ways of being open up to me. I've learned that the "automatic" behaviors are about protection and learned defenses. Risking feeling uncomfortable by doing something different and then consciously choosing a new behavior with my partner always creates surprising and often pleasurable results.

Follow this link to learn more about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy.

Blessings on your journey to creating authentic relationships in your life!

Sally
www.cosexaddiction.com
www.blessingsfrommary.com

Relationships transform when we do.

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 15:49:00 +0000

Relationships transform when we do. Transformation is defined as changing, altering, reworking, renewing, reconstructing, rearranging and retooling. There have been many occasions when I think that my relationship with my husband would be so much better if only he would change or alter his behavior. I've learned over our 10 year marriage, however, that the only effective way to experience our relationship differently is for me to transform my own perspective. It's always amazing to me that when I alter, rework and/or rearrange my own view of what is happening in our connection that I am able to transform the relationship all together. I see things clearly and with less blame, fear and rigidity. I have learned over our time married that when I am deeply agitated, defensive or distressed about our relationship that something has been triggered within myself. A wound has resurfaced, an old belief about my own unworthiness is present or fear of abandonment or loss is underlying my reactions.

Using the tools of my 12 step program will help. Prayer and meditation, calling my sponsor, talking about it at a meeting, looking at my part...are all actions that I can take to transform myself and therefore, transform my relationship. It is a level of responsibility that I sometimes still resist; simply because the old pattern of blaming another or looking outside of myself for a solution is familiar. More and more, however, I see the choices I have available to me. Each day is an opportunity to challenge my own capacity for bliss and joy. The more that I utilize the tools of 12 step recovery and spirituality to transform my own perspective and therefore change my behavior, the greater my experience of joy, inspiration and miracles in my relationship with my husband and in my life.

How much bliss are you willing to experience in your life?

Blessings on your transformational journey of relationships, recovery and the experience of bliss,

Sally

Authentic Relationships; abundance and there's enough for everyone...

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Mon, 23 Jul 2012 19:29:00 +0000

My husband, daughter and I were shopping not too long ago. She was home for a short time from college and wanted some of her favorite food in the house. As she pulled the crunchy, "all natural", peanut butter down from the grocery shelf and placed it in our cart, my husband said he like the smooth kind; Peter Pan to be exact. I told him we both like this brand and the crunchy version.

"Where does that leave me?" he asked.

"With your own jar of peanut butter." I replied.

Simple solution, I know, but still important to note. There is enough space, time, energy and even peanut butter in the world for us each to have what we want. Making sacrifices is a thing of the past. Sure, there are times when one or both partners might choose to give in or compromise on their priority simply due to conflicting events, circumstances or other constraints. But in general, an essential value to embrace when desiring authentic and fulfilling relationships is that of abundance and generosity. Both partners can have what they want as long as it honors the basic values each shares for the relationship.

Sometimes the solution may seem unconventional but it's our relationship, our marriage, and we decide what it looks like and how we both live within it. As I write this, I am in Michigan in our summer home and my husband is down in Texas working. It's not ideal, but it is what we both want at this time. We find ways to connect and enjoy our time away from each other.

A sense of abundance, generosity and a stand for each to have our desires is a good foundation for living an authentic, joy-filled partnership. It's a great way to minimize resentments and keep our own passions, dreams and even simple wants for different peanut butter front and center.

Blessings to all,

Sally
www.cosexaddiction.com

What's next?

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 19:15:00 +0000

After twenty-five years in 12 step recovery, I've learned alot and my life is dramatically different. Not just in the passing of time but in the energetic vibration that I live. My addictive behaviors continue to be held in remission as I keep my spiritual life vibrantly nourished. My relationships with others, including my beloved husband, are mutually empowering and supportive. We stand for one another's dreams, deepest healthful desires and joyful living. Gratitude has become the norm in my life; not an illusive idea to strive for as was the case in early recovery.

My experience has taught me that a regular prayer and meditation process and dynamic relationship with a Higher Power is the foundation of living an inspired life. Next, self care and self love come above all else. As I learn to care for myself spiritually, physically, emotionally, financially and relationally, I give abundantly from a place of fullness within to others. My addictive thinking and behaving no longer fill my day and "simply surviving" the drama; inside and outside, are a thing of the past. So, what's next?

Today I focus my energy, time, intentions and attention on honoring my deepest desires and living of life of service as I embody joy, inspiration and miraculous manifestations. My days include physical activities that keep me vibrantly alive and joyfully connected to nature, dance and a strong heart beat. At least five days a week I include prayer and meditation which may either be in the form of journaling, deep breathing or yogic asanas. In my business I have a coach who challenges me to grow and holds me accountability to sharing my gifts through my business to make a difference for others and receive the wealth and fulfillment that comes this authentic contribution. My relationships with family and friends continues to offer me opportunities for gratitude and a deep sense of connection replaces the just as deep sense of longing that I came into recovery with many years ago.

This is the light at the end of the tunnel. As I continue to open myself to receive the gifts that come from consistent 12 step recovery work and family of origin grief transformation work, as well as keep my spiritual connection and 12 step tools well integrated into all areas of my life, I know Spiritual flow will continue. Joy, inspiration and miracles abound.

Blessings to all,

Sally

Tension, Birth and 12 Step Spirituality

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Mon, 11 Jun 2012 15:05:00 +0000

Tension seems to be the topic today in my spiritual journeying and I know that tension is an essential aspect of birth. My daughter turned 19 years old a few days ago and in recalling my birthing experience with her, I remember the tension as well. Sometimes I wish that I could have the same commitment, focus and clarity in the spiritual tension that I experience today that I had during labor with her. I remember the blissful exhaustion I felt with her coming but did not once lose my focus or intention for assisting her arrival. I knew that I would keep her near me and I was in charge of where she was at all times. My focus and intentions were clear and my actions aligned with them.

In striving to have this same focus today in my business life as I birth a new aspect of my business, I am again aware of the tension I experience. The origin of the word tension means to "be stretched" and I experience this stretching internally and externally. Without the clear intended outcome however, I'm not sure where I should be going. When this happens in any area of my life today, I try to recall that "feeling stretched" is part of birthing and connecting spiritually will help me to regain my focus. The 12 steps as guides for living assist me here as well. While being in labor with a child has a clear intended outcome to focus on, life doesn't always have that level of precision. Connecting with a Power greater than myself, surrendering what tension I am experiencing in my life and opening to the guidance of Spirit are actions I can take to help focus the tension I experience. Clarity will come in time. Tension will guide me to the desired outcome as I continue to surrender and trust the process.

Honoring our Character Defects

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Mon, 04 Jun 2012 16:16:00 +0000

In 12 step spirituality, we take note of our character defects. By working with a sponsor and doing step work, we learn "our part" in the conflicts and difficulties with others in our lives. It is powerful and emotionally mature work to do. While we can not control another's behavior, we begin to see our options for our own behavior. We learn new practices to enhance our spiritual connection, communication skills to learn honesty and boundary setting and understand self-care.

Our "character defects" were ways that we survived dysfunctional systems. In some ways, we should appreciate however we learned to navigate some of the challenges we had growing up. Now, we can see our "character defects" has brilliant ways to survive and look strategically at whether or not they continue to serve us in adult life.

With gentleness and great compassion, we can honor our own ingenious ways to survive and remind ourselves we have new choices today. Choice that spring from a depth of self-love, self-care and self-forgiveness. From this fullness of Divine connection within ourselves, we make choices that honor our values today. We give to others out of fullness and have an abundance of energy to pursue our life's purpose and dreams.

Who knew our character defects were really our gifts of survival. Today we can be grateful for all it.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Stillness and action

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Wed, 23 May 2012 21:29:00 +0000

One of the greatest gifts that I received early in my recovery and family of origin work was the wisdom of a mentor who invited me to learn about stillness. I typically wanted to know what to do next in any given situation and she was encouraging me to practice being. It was very uncomfortable. I was conditioned to acknowledge the problem and then take action to solve it. We were "doers" in my family. We were "hard workers who knew how to get the job done."

I remember one day I had a decision to make, or so I thought, and I sought her out for advice. I wanted to know what action to take and at the same time, be certain that it is was the "right" way to go. She held her ground with me and was both firm and loving.

"In eastern cultures," she offered, "waiting is an action."

I'd never considered that waiting was an action and that many times, it was the "right" action to take.

After years, this is anchored in my body, mind and spirit. I know that when there is a choice of actions to take, whether in my professional or personal life, the best thing that I can do for all involved is wait, be still and trust the clarity will come. Often in the action of waiting, circumstances unfold in such a way that the choice of any other action is made for me. In other situations, waiting gives me a deeper sense of lucidity and the next right step naturally emerges; resonating powerfully within me.

Reaching out to others, prayer and meditation, breathing deeply, trusting a Higher Power and letting go are just a few of the tools for living more authentically that I learn in my spiritual program.

Today-if clarity is not ever-present, I choose to wait as my action. I trust all will unfold as is should according to what is in my highest good. As long as I do my part to care well for myself and do my best to live within my own value system, I know my Higher Power will do the rest. Stillness becomes my comforting companion.

Discernment~Risking new behaviors...

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Fri, 11 May 2012 12:51:00 +0000

When we enter 12 step recovery, for any additive dynamic or family of origin issue, we often come with personal behaviors of extreme: extreme isolation, extreme control, extreme bossiness, extreme passivity, simply depending on the survival tools we picked up to get through the trauma. Learning that we have options and choices for our behaviors and interactions with ourselves and others does take time. During that period of time where we learn to recognize our dysfunctional behaviors and coping mechanisms and risking new ways of seeing a situation and responding to it, there can be some confusion and discomfort.

Do I confront the behavior? Do I notice the behavior and detach? Is it appropriate to share my feelings in this situation? Do I try to work out the difficulty with this person or cut my loses and end the relationship?

In some ways, our old rigid coping mechanisms were easier. We did the same thing over and over again and things turned out predictably. Being a victim is expected and being disappointed becomes a way of life. Fortunately, our Spirits strive for more, most especially when we get into recovery, and we are no longer willing to accept the unacceptable in ourselves and others.

Our dreams call us from within to break through the fear and shame and whether we fail is less important than if we don't attempt to honor our heart's calling. Courage is now our companion. Discernment becomes necessary.

Prayer and meditation become a way of life for us. We have accepted our powerlessness over addiction, our history and the trauma we carry and choose to embrace a Power greater than ourselves. Now we use others in the community of 12 step spirituality to assist us in new ways of being and before we act in any given situation, we allow for the intuition guidance of our Higher Power to come to us. This discernment is developed through daily nourishment. Regular prayer and meditation, breathing deeply, and letting the answers come to us rather than forcing outcomes is our new way of living.

Over time, we risk new behaviors, new relationships, new communications, standing for ourselves and honoring what we deeply desire in our hearts and minds. We begin to follow our passions and give to others from fullness within. The more we connect with a Higher Power of our own understanding, consistently waiting to act until discernment and intuitive inspiration is clear, the more abundant and fulfilling our lives will be. Letting go can be the most powerful action of all and devoting ourselves to a daily prayer and meditation practice teaches us how.

Blessings on your journey, Sally

Searching and Fearless

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 14:11:00 +0000

How grateful we, who have found the 12 steps, are to those of our ancestors who are our foundation. The 12 steps are tools for living our lives with intention, consciousness and power. The power that we use is that of our Divine Source, Higher Power, the God or Goddess of our understanding.

In step four, we do a "searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." In doing so, we learn that no matter what another person may or may not be doing, the focus is on ourselves. This focus allows us to effect the change that we have control over, that we can direct and alter if desired. It is only ourselves that we can change, adjust or affect a difference within.

When we keep the focus on ourselves, this does not mean that we tolerate bad behavior. When we keep the focus on ourselves, this means that we focus on what we can change; whether this is removing ourselves from a situation or relationship, or speaking up and standing for ourselves in the relationship.

Doing a "searching and fearless moral inventory" is not just a tool for identifying our overt character defects or survival behaviors. This honest self-exploration offers us the opportunity to see how we continue to "set ourselves up" in familiar situations to be over-responsible or victimized by someone else. Changing these more passive and subtle ways of being alter our relationships with others and our own lives in active and powerful ways.

We never have to do this searching inside alone. Our spiritual journey reminds us again and again that we have support and community both in the physical world and in the spiritual dimensions. When overwhelmed or frightened by the task of self-inventory, we seek spiritual support and the support of others on the recovery journey.

Taking responsibility for our lives is a mature, empowered way to live. Each of the spiritual 12 steps in a tool is support and guide us in this journey.

Blessings,

Sally

Addiction and Authenticity

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 16:37:00 +0000

Cosex addiction, or any addiction, provides a unique opportunity for spiritual development.

When we are faced with the inability to heal or change on our own, we are often forced to connect at a deeper level with a power greater than ourselves. In doing so, we open our spirits and emotional selves in a more authentic way; a way that surrenders our self-will and is open to the mystery of Divine unknown.

In admitting our need for assistance and our powerlessness over our own or another's addictive behaviors, beliefs and the emotions associated with them, our heart is cracked open. A relationship, based in deep and profound desire for authentic connection is forged. Our Higher Power becomes a personal vibration and entity that we want and need to connect with on a daily basis; not an abstract concept difficult to trust or love.

Pain is our initial motivator. Authentic connection and joy become our reason for continuing to surrender along the genuine path of spiritual and emotional maturity.

Fully embracing our pain and powerlessness over another's behavior or our own dis-eased thinking and acting, opens the possibility to fully surrendering to a Power Greater than ourselves. Our lives are transformed at this moment.

Blessings on your journey through trusting the pain and surrendering to Divine Source,

Sally

Fear and Surrender

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 12:30:00 +0000

There has come a moment in my life where I realize that I may always experience some fear inside; regardless of the personal work I do or how vibrant my prayer and meditation life may be. It is an aspect of being human. It keeps me connected to Divine care and source. I remain humbled by this fear and also inspired by more own courage and commitment to "keep at" this spiritual life.

The lessons and reminders of lessons of old is a constant. My connection to Divine guidance is both vibrant and at times listless and dull. I choose to live within the paradox of constant surrender to whatever is. It is in this present moment where I can welcome Spiritual guidance and direction into all areas of my life. During the day to day consistent practices that deepen trust, intuition and transformation is where I find the courage to embrace my fear, surrender it and take action aligned with my commitments and passions in life. In doing so, I honor my Divine Purpose and make a difference by being of service to all.

It's not about having no fear. It is about embracing my fear, connecting with Divine Source and trusting the guidance that comes in the midst of the fear.

Blessings on your journey of fear, faith and surrender,

Sally

Made a decision....

noreply@blogger.com (Sally) — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 14:45:00 +0000

The principles of 12 step spirituality, when applied to living day to day, keep us connected to our own personal power and the unlimited power of the Divine. Once we "make a decision...." to turn any situation over to our Higher Power, we release the outcome, relax into knowing this Power has our best at heart and open to the synchronistic events that continually point us in the direction of Divine guidance and care.

We begin with doing our part, however. Our part is spending time in prayer and meditation daily. Our part is bold self-care behaviors. Our part is putting forth effort in the direction of our dreams and desires. Our part is seeking support and aligning ourselves with like-minded people. Our part is seeing that we are powerless over others.

When we "make a decision to turn our will and lives over the care of God and we understand Her or Him" it is after we have done our part and sought out what we have a choice about and what we must let go of.

We are never alone. The 12 steps give us tools for living a spiritual life. Once our own addictive behaviors and dynamics are addressed and arrested, we become open to the promises of the 12 steps. When we release our own co-dependency and over focus on others, accepting responsibility for ourselves, we open to a relationship with a Higher Power and ourselves. The miracles of living a Divinely guided, purpose and destiny focused life become the norm of our existence.

All my love,

Sally