Kathryn has many skills – she’s a musician and a potter, she has an engineering background and wants to help people with their “intuitive development.” She also reads tarot cards.

All these skills add up to a very interesting person. However, it also adds up to a very confused marketing message for a business.

When Kathryn and I met, she explained that she had been earning her living in 2 main areas – coaching weight-loss, and reading tarot cards. Here are some excerpts from our coaching session:

J: You said you have trouble expressing what you do. What do you do?

K: Right now I do the weight-loss coaching. Help people with their food choices and eating habits. I have them create food plans and coach them through all that. The other thing I do is tarot card reading. I do that mostly by telephone. In fact, today I’m going to my first formal tarot card reading event. Those are the 2 things I have out there right now.

Basically, I see myself as a coach. A personal coach specializing in weight-loss, relationship and intuitive development. I’m developing telecourses to help people with intuitive development, which is really about having people get in-touch with themselves.

You can see the challenge already. While all of these things could be profitable businesses, it was clear that Kathryn didn’t have a clear idea of where she wanted to focus. It’s impossible to market yourself from that place.

J: After looking at your website and listening to what you’ve told me, a couple of problems come to light about this as a business. The first is, you’re blurring the lines too much. That there needs to be a clearer differentiation between your two main areas of focus. Because tarot card reading is very different from being a weight-loss coach, in the mind of your target. So when they go to your site to get an idea of what you’re about, there’s confusion in their mind.

K: Now here’s the problem: the internet, Google, I can’t separate them. I should say, “I have to solve that problem”… but I haven’t.

J: Yes, and you’re exacerbating the problem by not deciding where you’re going to put your energy. And who you’re putting yourself out there as.

K: My energy, I want to put into the metaphysical stuff – intuitive development and tarot card reading. That’s where I’ve decided I want to put my energy. Maybe I need to take weight-loss off the site, I don’t know.

J: My intuitive hit is that that’s a very good idea. Because part of the problem is that it’s clouding it for you.

K: I’m not sure that’s true. I’m pretty clear. The question is, how do I portray myself to the marketplace, because the marketplace does not accept me in all my different pieces.

Here Kathryn started to get clear that for marketing and business purposes, she may have to clarify who she is – which means, limit what she does in the mind of her target.

J: There comes a time, and you’re there, in order to have a successful business, you have to pour yourself into it, for a certain amount of time. And that means you have to be congruent in every way that you step out in the world as that person. Now if you decide you’re going to go down the metaphysical path, you may need to change your website and other pages, removing anything that says anything different, or that might confuse people.

K: I haven’t done that because I haven’t decided what that is and I don’t want to change 50 times.

J: Based on what you’ve told me, you could say, “I’m the metaphysical healer that focuses on people with weight issues – and I have a number of different tools I use – tarot, creating a plan. But the idea is that you step out there as a person who solves a problem. And be clear about what it is you’re solving.

K: You know, as you’re talking I realize, I don’t want to do metaphysical focus on weight.

Another moment of clarity. We both sat in silence for awhile.

J: So if you were to do metaphysical coaching, what problems do you solve for people?

K: They can’t make a decision. “What do I do?” “Do I stay in this marriage?” “Do I stay in this job?” People having trouble making decisions. And actually, it’s really about relationships – relationship with their partner, with their boss, even with their own body.

J: If you go to a networking event and say “I help people who are having trouble making decisions” that doesn’t really help them know who to refer to you. But, if it’s about troubled relationships, that’s a step in the right direction. Because their brother and sister-in-law might be having issues, for instance. They can begin to get a grasp on who might be a good client for you. What you’re really trying to do is make it easy for other people to refer you. So you have to give them the tools. What I’ve seen, is that you haven’t been focusing enough on what value you provide to them – what benefit you offer. And that is the core issue. I want to encourage you to really hone what you’re doing here, and then step out as that.

And then I got a little more directive.

J: I don’t want to cramp your style, but I’m going to push you towards making a claim about who you are and what problems you solve, and then making sure that all of your marketing supports that. And I don’t think that if you’re putting yourself out there as someone who helps people with relationship issues that you also want to be putting yourself out there as a tarot card reader. Because it distracts.

K: I should take that site down too?

J: I don’t want to say, take this down, take that down. What I want to do is to encourage you to get very clear about the problem that you solve and where you’re going to focus and start looking specifically for those people. So your focus then is not looking for people who want their tarot cards read – you’re looking for the people who are really in crisis about their relationship, and you can help them through that. So far, that is what I’ve heard you say you want.

I continued to push Kathryn to get clearer.

J: I suggest you get very specific about your ideal client – for instance, “my ideal client is a woman between 35 and 55, she earns 100k per year, etc.” Because when you do that, you can get a clearer idea of how to talk to her.

K: Well, actually that is very close to my ideal client – women, between 35 and 50 – they have some sense that there is something that will fulfill them, but they’re not fulfilled. And they don’t know what to do to fulfill themselves. And they’re the ones who are really looking for these sorts of solutions that I have to offer, actually.

Wow, where did that come from?

J: That’s a beautiful niche.

K: You think so?

J: Yes I do, but you can confirm it. Do keyword research. Find out about empty-nesters – their kids are now teenagers or off to college with their own lives, and she begins to remember those dreams she may have put on hold. That seems like a prime area of need. And you know exactly who you’re talking to – on your website, on your blog… that sounds like exactly what they’re dealing with.

Here we are, almost an hour into our session, and Kathryn has stumbled onto some clarity – a target: middle-aged women; the problem: feeling unfulfilled, often following a major life change (empty nest, menopause, divorce). The disparate aspects of her skills all of a sudden make sense. And she can now focus her marketing with laser-like precision.

K: That I like, because that conversation is actually closer to what I’m really doing and offering. It’s not about the relationship questions of should I stay or should I go.

J: And the good thing is, it’s very targeted where it needs to be targeted, because there is a giant need there.

K: (Pause)…So I could do that – give up the weight-loss website…(another long pause)…that just simplifies it…I do feel good about that, because that’s what I’m concentrating on now and it brings me focus. I haven’t been focused – I know that. And part of that is fear about “what do I do?”….(another pause)…
That is the thing – I need to put that stake in the ground and just do it. I had decided that this meeting would be that point. This is very helpful, by the way.

J: Thank you. I’m glad.

Honestly, not every coaching session ends with such a huge breakthrough. Kathryn was willing to work deeply, to let go of her fear for a few minutes, to consider other options and to trust her intuition. The truth is, she has lots of hard work in front of her to build a successful business. At least now she has some clarity about where she’s going.

When I visited my friend Barry Northrop and his wife Ruth, in Boulder, Colorado, he commented to me that my trip was a version of the old TV show from the 1950’s (which I never saw, btw) called This Is Your Life. Although this was never really the plan, he was right.

On This Is Your Life, the host would “surprise” guests and then in front of a studio audience proceed to conduct a biography of the subject. The subject would be presented with family members and old friends, and reunited with old acquaintances.

On my trip, the conversations would often start by centering on either “What made you want to take this trip?” or “So what have you been doing for the last xx years?” I, of course, ended up telling some of the same stories over and over. And it was so great to hear their stories as well.

And in sharing our stories and our memories of the same events, we would deepen our own understanding of these events – bringing more nuances and sometimes a whole new perspective. This happened specifically with Barry: he reminded me about a fictional character we made up in junior high – and the entire mythology around this character. My recollection was that it was Barry’s creation and that I was along for the ride. In my mind, at the time, Barry was a wacky creative rule-breaker that I was attracted to and wanted to be close to. Barry remembers that our fictional character was more my creation, which completely puts a whole new spin on this memory. The truth of the matter doesn’t matter. The realizing that my friend had a completely different perspective was powerful.

This lesson is similar to the one from my post called “Making Stuff Up.” I had, what I thought, was a clear memory of those days. And yet, I made stuff up – my perspective – and called it the truth.

Additionally, one of the wonderful surprises of this trip is that in most of these cases, as we would spend time together getting reacquainted – in some cases, after 30 years – we were reminded why we were friends in the first place. We laughed hysterically as we watched the home movie we created when we were about 13. Even after all this time, Barry and I had a very easy rapport, made each other laugh, enjoyed each other’s company, and realized that if we lived in the same city now, we would still be friends.

And as you fly over the canyon below, much like the eagle overhead, you see the the rushing waters of the river below cascade over the rocks as your feet clip the trees. And you do it 6 times.

(That’s me on one of the zips.)

If you’re in Colorado, check out ZipAdventures.com.

Additionally, at some point along the way, I decided to leave out the judgment; I wasn’t going to compare this amazing national park with that other magnificent natural wonder. I was going to stay away from proclamations like – “This is my favorite”, or “I like Niagara Falls better than Bryce Canyon” – that all seemed so silly, until that is, I got to…The Tetons.

Ok, so I have a favorite. I can’t help myself. I won’t try to deny it.

The Tetons touched me, deeply. I can’t explain it. But there it is.

As I write, I’m sitting in Sacred Grounds – Coffee Bar & Art Center – the only “cool” coffee shop I’ve seen in these here parts. By “cool” I mean, this place would fit right in to Silverlake in L.A. Jill relocated here and though she hates the cold and isn’t exactly sure why she’s here, has brought a sensibility that this town really needed.

I had 2 roommates, almost as different from each other as possible.

David is a rather sickly 68 year old man (who looks 80) who carries his 15-20 medications with him in a gallon-size Zip Lock bag. He shuffles, is hard of hearing, wears glasses thick as coke bottles, repeats himself over and over, his hands are stiff and crooked with arthritis, yet he drove himself to the Black Hills of South Dakota from Chicago to have a vacation. He booked the hostel as well as the tours of the area which he took each day. In fact, he does this by himself on a regular basis. This is someone who despite limited means and serious physical challenges has refused to play the victim and instead has grabbed his life in his crooked fingers and is squeezing it for all its worth.

Eric is 24, recently graduated from UC Santa Barbara. He is in Lead directing, with a partner, children’s theater. He works for a company that creates the music and plays, and he travels to different towns and auditions the kids, rehearses them for a week, and puts on two performances at the end of that week – kind of like a kids music camp. He is a local, from Rapid City, and while staying at the hostel, got word that he’d been hired to be a theater director at a local theater.

I’ve learned that some hostels are big, with lots of people who never really interact. But Joan Irwin has somehow created an intimate space where for a few days, you feel like you have some new friends.

The Mickelson Trail follows an historic train line that was abandoned in 1983. A group of residents recognized both the historical value and recreational potential and launched a very success “rail to trail” project. It was completed in 1998 and now is a must-see for anyone in the area.

Around each bend is another beautiful, picturesque landscape – mountains of forest broken up by colorful, low-lying foliage, a rushing river which you cross many times over wooden bridges, dozens of small waterfalls, tunnels blasted through the granite and shale, and rock formations tower over you like powerful guardians of this sacred land.

You see, I visited Mt. Rushmore for the first time, and I thought I had a whole new perspective on the monument. I thought I was seeing past all the “rah-rah America” stuff surrounding the monument, and was instead being impressed by the “vision of a great sculptor.” I started writing a blog post about “vision”, and dreaming big, and really going for it – like Gutzon Borglum, the 60 year old artist who designed and built it.

Here are some excerpts from my original post: “He had a vision which inspired him to put a plan in place and then over 14 painstaking years, execute that plan.” Wrong. Or how about this: “Equipment problems, a man dies, funds were scarce, yet he kept on his path.” Wrong again. Finally, I brought it all home with a coaching lesson about dreaming big: “Borghum was 60 and he dreamed of carving a great sculpture into a mountain. What’s your vision? Whats your reason for not creating it? How long are you going to hang on to that reason?”

It turned out I was really full of it.

I decided maybe I should do a little research before I run that post. And what I found was that it wasn’t his dream at all. It was the idea of a South Dakota politician to bring more business to the Black Hills area. There was never any problem with funding. The U.S. government was involved from day one. There is controversy over who owns the land – the Lakota Indians were granted the land in perpetuity by the U.S. Government, before they grabbed it back to build the monument. No one died building it (miraculously). And the kicker, Borghum was affiliated with the Ku Klux Klan.

And it occurred to me, that I was just “making stuff up.” I had a good idea for a blog post and made up some facts to support it.

Actually, all that about executing a vision, dreaming big, letting go of our excuses – that all still applies in life. But this blog post is now about “making stuff up” and how if we don’t catch ourselves, we can go barreling down the wrong road.

In fact we make stuff up all the time – about what someone said, or about what someone meant, or about what someone did. We make up the meaning. We make up some story about their intention. We make up conversations in our head – including their side of the conversation.

Then we act based on what we made up.

So lets try a different ending.

Where are you making stuff up?

This reminds me of Bryon Katie’s brilliant work, called The Work. Her first question is so important: Is it true?

So ask yourself, what if it’s not true? What would that mean?

1. Not knowing where I’m going to sleep is quite stressful. I wanted to be all carefree about it, but I discovered that my day on the road flows much better if I know where I’m going to land at the end of the day. I guess I don’t make a very good nomad.

2. This one was triggered by my discovering that I needed to buy more water. I like to buy cases of 24 of those little liter Arrowhead bottles – they’re easy to carry and fit into a backpack. This usually requires a Target, Costco or Walmart – and just as I thought about it, I was pulling into Rapid City, SD and “voila”, a Target.

So I got my cart and as I start rolling down the aisle I notice: this Target is laid out exactly like our Target in Culver City. And I realized that I felt comfortable, at home, in a weird way. So I strolled. “Hmmm, what else do I need?…AA batteries, shaving cream…I know where they are…” I was enjoying this.

And then, and here’s the point of this, I started to guilt-trip myself. “You should be out seeing stuff – South Dakota stuff – not wasting your time in a Target…or whatever.” I’m not sure how long that lasted. But then I got it. I get to do exactly what I want. Right now, I want to have a leisurely stroll in Target. In fact, I may do no South Dakota stuff today.

Ah, that feels much better.

Though her position is not technically an academic one, she has a Masters degree and works closely with professors and other academics.

Our session started by her saying: “I’m really bad at promoting myself at work. While others around me don’t seem to have a problem stepping up and claiming responsibility for what they’ve accomplished, I don’t feel comfortable doing that. Can you help me with that?”

Jeffrey: “Why don’t you tell me a little more about what you’ve been trying and why you think it hasn’t been working for you?”

As she began to describing her situation, I could sense that this was something both important and painful for her. It was obvious to me that her disappointment around this issue went deeper than her current job.
In order to avoid getting too bogged down in the details of the situation, I’ll attempt to paraphrase and summarize.

Our session was triggered by Monica’s attempt to be awarded some resources (money) to create new programs and other opportunities for the people she serves. She was denied. And while she felt that the decision wasn’t “fair” because others in similar situations to her did received these extra resources, she was unable/unwilling to argue her case with her boss.

I asked her “What did you want to say?”

“I wanted to tell him that I didn’t agree with him and that I work really hard and I don’t think this request is way out of line.”

“What would have happened if you said that?”

She laughed. “I don’t know.”

“What were you feeling at the time?”

“I was nervous…and scared…like a little kid.”

“So you held yourself back.”

“I do that a lot.”

At this point the session could have gone in a number of directions – her relationship with her boss and other authority figures, her communication techniques, strategy for bringing the conversation up again with her boss – among others.

Since it was clear that this was a challenge for her in other situations as well, we decided to focus on her unwillingness to step up, in a meaningful way. I introduced Monica to her Gremlin. (Taming Your Gremlin, by Rick Carson)

“Have you ever heard the term, Gremlin?”

“No.”

“Well, the best brief definition I’ve heard for Gremlin is, your ‘inner critic’.”

“Ah – I definitely have one of those.”

“Yes, we all do. But it’s even more insidious than being a critic. Your Gremlin is committed to maintaining the status quo and will fool you into thinking it’s for your own good.”

“What do you mean, exactly.”

“A simple example would be your Gremlin saying to you ‘Monica, don’t bring that conversation up again with your boss, because he’ll fire you…and you know the job market these days.’ You see what your Gremlin is doing in that example? – maintaining the status quo, sounding pretty reasonable, keeping you ‘safe.’ The problem is, we have these Gremlin conversations all day long, in a myriad of situations. And then we wonder why things don’t change in our lives.”

She just looked at me. I know that look, when someone has a realization about their life. It’s a combination of “wow” boosted by “I’m going to make so much progress now” tempered by “oh s**t, I’ve wasted so much time.” All that washed over her face in a matter of seconds.

“What should I do?”

“Well, the thing about Gremlins, the more you argue with them, the more power they have. So the thing you have to do, the only thing you can do, is to begin to notice every time your Gremlin speaks for you…to make that distinction. And then, when you realize it’s your Gremlin speaking, you can make a different choice.”

We sat quietly for a minute.

“Many of us have flabby Gremlin muscles, especially when we first begin this process. So its like any other muscle, you have to work it – get it in shape.”

“How do I do that?”

“Well, I suggest my clients keep a list – every time throughout the day that you notice your Gremlin speaking, make a note. The purpose is not the list. The purpose is to get in the habit of being aware every time your Gremlin speaks – working that muscle into shape.”

“I can do that.”

She smiled. I smiled back.

“I know you can.”

I continued.

“So as you get better at determining when your Gremlin is thinking and speaking for you, you can begin to consider other options. Remember, your Gremlin will always want to hold you back – you can choose to listen to your Gremlin, or make another choice – but at least, you can make a conscious choice.”

“This is very helpful.”

“Cool.”

She bought me dinner, which was very sweet of her. I think if Monica can start to get a handle on her Gremlin, she’ll be more likely to stand up for herself, promote herself, as she put it, and be less timid in her career and her life.

The property, isolated on 12 acres, includes a barn and a wonderful backyard. The portion that Julia and Michael still live in was originally built in the 1860′s and they added the extra rooms for the B&B about 10 years ago. The contractors did an amazing job of matching the new building to the old, so that its impossible to tell the difference.

I stayed in the smaller of the 2 available rooms. It was very cute, clean, and comfortable. Because I was only staying the night and leaving first thing in the morning, I didn’t get to hang out and relax in the large yard and watch the hummingbirds or go for walks around the area. The breakfast of waffles, eggs and bacon with delicious coffee was perfect. When you pull up you’ll be greeted by 2 beautiful and friendly collies named Teddy and Cassie.

Honestly, I was blown away by how beautiful eastern Iowa is, especially along the Mississippi. I had no idea. And if you’re ever able to make it to this area, get off the main highway, see something quite spectacular, and if you can, stay at the Red Brick Inn.