Did you know that there is a day this month that is going to be recognized and celebrated by many individuals?  You are probably saying to yourself “of course I do Coach, Easter is one of the more important days for a Christian.” Well, that is correct, but, unfortunately, that is not the day that I am talking about. The day I am talking about is April 20^th  (4.20), also known as “Weed Day” – yes, you read that correctly, “Weed Day.” I know, you are thinking “come on Coach there is not a day to recognize Weed.” Well, actually there is.

There are a number of myths and rumors about how this day started, some more “glamorous” than others. The true story according to the Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/04/20/420-meaning-the-true-stor_n_543854.html) is that a group of five high school friends met at 4:20PM every day, on a search for a hidden marijuana crop. They started using the code word 420 anytime they wanted to meet to smoke pot (of course teachers and parents had no clue what they were talking about). The term quickly spread (interestingly enough with the help of the Grateful Dead) and the term has now become known nationally and internationally and the date, 4/20, a celebrated day by many teens and adults alike. What once was “just” known for marijuana use has not turned into what I’ll call “drug day” where individuals make it a point to use drugs that day (especially, but not only at 4:20).

You may be asking why I’m sharing this story with you. My main point and objective is to raise awareness; both for parents who know that their teens use drugs and those who are “sure” that they do not. I know we all would love to think that our kids don’t recognize or celebrate “National Weed Day”. The truth is – many do. Even teens who normally don’t do drugs will smoke pot on 4/20 just to fit in and because they view the date as an event not to be missed. And those that do use drugs – well, for them this is their “special” day. The age of the internet has only increased the spreading and sharing of the story and reinvigorated the “importance” or significance of April 20^th.

So I’m asking you to keep your eyes and ears open. Pay attention more this day than others to what your child is saying and texting (or even what they are searching for on the internet). Make sure you know exactly what they are going to be doing that day (especially at 4:20). If you hear your teen mentioning 420 let them know that you are aware of its meaning. Share with them the perils of smoking marijuana. For example, did you know that marijuana is considered to be a “gateway drug” – one that is oftentimes just the beginning of more serious drug use (i.e. leads to using meth and other drugs)? That is in addition to the dangers of marijuana itself such as depression and suicidal thoughts.

Let them know that what now may seem fun, cool and cool can have serious, long term implications on their future. Maybe make it a point to have a discussion that day with your teen about the importance of staying drug-free. I know that for many these types of discussions can be awkward and uncomfortable but taking the step to make you temporarily uncomfortable may actually change the direction your teen may go; and wouldn’t that be worth it?

The idea was no longer about temporary pain by taking things away… it simply became and continues to be for our family, about earning privileges and once these privileges are abused or their behavior clearly states ‘Houston, we have a problem’ then these things are discussed openly and honestly and the such items / time committed to it, etc will be altered; to include removed.

An example of this is the use of a cell phone. My teens seems increasingly agitated when family time interfered with her chat time. Considering the cell is a privilege, then we address the observed behavior and then address the fact, that this device (cell phone) has increased your inability to enjoy spending uninterrupted time with your family, so, let’s look at what’s going on; to include seeing if the phone is the best thing to have at this time. Usually we end up working out an ‘understanding’ of how to manage those emotional ‘needs’ and desires and at the same time value family time.

Over turning troubled well-practiced behavior is hard for your teen; it’s hard for any one. Now that the pain form their last trouble is over – and they have gotten comfortable again… it’s right back to their low feelings of self worth, disconnected and unattached mentality coupled with their well-rehearsed behaviors. You can remind them of how much money it cost you to bail them out, how awful of a human being you think they are or even attempt to use physical punishment if you so wish… but a person persuaded against their will is of the same persuasion still. I say to you like I say to my marathon training clients – don’t think about the miles you’ve already covered – don’t think about the miles ahead – think about what you’re doing right here, right now. One day at a time.. if need be, one minute at a time.

Live with intent!

It will take more then just words to help yr teen son ‘change’ his abusive behavior. He doesn’t even change his underwear without prompt, what makes you think he will change his abusive/addictive/problematic behavior. For a real change, encourage and move him toward some form of counseling/therapy/support to help fight his internal madness. Find and believe in a higher power to surrender his will (right now he is surrendering to drugs/$/women/drama/etc. A change in activities and company – the power of association is huge! Align those things with his determination to change and it can and WILL happen.

Parent with Intent!

Do you suffer from anxiety? Here’s something to say to yourself in that moment: ‘Anxiety is not dangerous – it’s just uncomfortable. I am fine; I’ll just continue with what I’m doing or find something more active to do’.

Sometimes your teen(s) may feel so misunderstood, unhappy and entirely fed up, but, that does not mean they want you to solve everything for them. Sometimes they just need space, time, patience, understanding, empathy, a shoulder to lean on, a chest to cry on, a hug, or maybe even silence. Detach with love – you do not need to control everything all the time.

Parent with Intent!

When one person in a family is addicted, everyone is affected. Family members who have ignored, denied, justified, and enabled the addict are known as codependent.
Codependency is a serious and debilitating condition that wreaks havoc on the lives of the codependent person and all those around him or her.

Characteristics of Codependents
People who are codependent have certain characteristics or traits involving care taking, low self-worth, obsession, and repression.

As codependents, they may feel that they’re responsible for another person’s (especially the addict’s) actions, feelings, thoughts, well-being or lack of it, even their destiny.

This behavior CAN change…

Tip: Practice detachment. Learn how to detach yourself from the problems of others. Stop letting other people’s issues and problems consume your every waking thought. This will take quite a bit of practice, but things like meditation, vigorous exercise, being with others, and developing a sense of spirituality may help immensely.

Many people lead with their emotions, often to their own detriment.  Psychologists have discovered that more people behave themselves into new ways of thinking than think themselves into new ways of behaving.  Sometimes we believe that we must have the feeling first, before we act.  But in fact, changing your actions will lead to a change in feelings.

For example, if you are in a heated discussion with your teen, you may not feel like acting respectfully toward him or her.  Act respectfully anyway, and see if you don’t feel your blood pressure falling.  You may not feel like listening to their ideas with an open mind.  Listen anyway, and see if you don’t find some common ground with them.

If you want different results, take different actions!  As the saying goes, “If you do what you’ve always done, you will get what you’ve always gotten.”  Act first, and the feelings will follow.  Now I realize that this is far from easy and that it requires a lot of control over your emotions and actions. However, if you are able to master it, your communications with your teen will greatly improve.

Parent with Intent!

Will you let conflict disrupt your relationship? Will you wait until you’re not together to get it together? Some people do need time to think and embrace differences but don’t get lost in yourselves and just stop moving – afterwards, be sure to communicate and solve conflict. If the love is real then the timing can never be bad.

Communicate with intent!