Empathy Imposters

One of the most common challenges I see is not a lack of empathy, but too much of it in the wrong moments.
•Empathy that slips into rescuing
•Empathy that hinders curiosity
•Empathy that pulls the coach into the client’s emotional experience instead of helping the client see it more clearly.

In coaching, empathy is not about feeling what the client feels. It’s about staying present with what the client is experiencing while keeping your footing solidly on the path of neutrality and curiosity.

Empathy on the Trail

I often use a hiking metaphor with coaches. Imagine you and your client are walking a trail together. Along the way, the client falls into a pit of quicksand. Empathy does not mean jumping in after them. If you do, now there are two people stuck and no one with perspective. The most helpful thing you can do is keep your feet on firm ground, stay calm, and help the client notice where they are and discover what they want to do about the situation.
This stance is not cold or detached. It’s deeply respectful.

Give Empathy a Voice

Empathy in coaching is less about what you say and more about your presence — your tone, your pacing, your willingness to pause. This extends to the sound of your voice itself. A reflection delivered in a flat, matter-of-fact tone — like reading a weather report — can feel clinical even when the words are perfectly chosen. Warmth is not just in what you say. It lives in how you say it. This is something easier heard than explained. Pay attention to how people talk around you, on TV, in movies, etc. What sounds empathetic and what doesn’t? What’s the difference?

Your ability to stay steady when emotion shows up matters more than you might think. Clients pick up on these things immediately. A calm nervous system is often far more supportive than the perfect reflective statement.

Empathy is at the Core of Coaching

This is why empathy connects so naturally to the ICF Core Competencies.
•Cultivating trust and safety is not about agreeing with the client’s story — it’s about creating an environment where the client feels seen and respected without being coddled.
•Maintaining presence means staying emotionally regulated, especially when the client is not.
•Active listening involves hearing what is underneath the words without getting pulled into the drama of the moment.

Newer coaches sometimes worry that if they do not respond with reassurance or shared emotion, they will seem uncaring. In reality, the opposite is often true. Clients tend to feel safer when their coach does not react emotionally, rush to fix, or try to make things better too quickly. They sense that you trust them to handle what they are facing.

Another common trap is mistaking empathy for agreement. A client may be frustrated, hurt, or convinced that a situation is unfair. You can acknowledge the emotion without endorsing their conclusion. You can stay curious without siding with the story. This is where empathy supports awareness rather than reinforcing stuck patterns.

Keep Empathy Healthy

It’s also worth noticing what empathy costs you as a coach. If you regularly leave sessions feeling drained, heavy, or responsible for your client’s emotions, that is not a sign you care deeply — it’s a sign something is out of alignment. Empathy that serves your clients well includes clarity about what belongs to you and what does not. Not walls, but healthy boundaries that protect both of you.

From a coaching perspective, empathy serves your client’s growth best when it leads to insight, not dependence. When your presence helps the client slow down, notice something new, or shift perspective, empathy is doing its job. When it keeps the conversation circling the same emotional ground, it’s time to step back onto firmer footing.

For newer coaches, this is a practice, not a switch you flip. You will notice moments where you get pulled in. That is human. The work is in catching yourself, regulating your own response, and choosing curiosity over comfort.

Here’s a simple question to hold as you coach: Am I standing on solid ground right now, or am I knee-deep in the quicksand with my client?
Empathy doesn’t require you to sink. It asks you to stay steady, present, and trusting enough to let the client find their way out — even if they struggle. There is real value in that struggle, and when we step in too quickly to fix things, we rob our clients of the chance to find their own footing.

I’d love to hear from you. Where do you find yourself getting pulled into the quicksand? Please share in the comments here or feel free to reach out and let me know.

The post Empathy in Coaching: Staying on Solid Ground appeared first on Coach Nikki B.

It’s often (but not always) newer coaches who are working to build a business, support clients, and grow their skills all at the same time, and they’re doing it alone.
No coach. No thought partners. No one reflecting anything back to them or pointing out gaps they don’t see.
It’s like trying to read the label from inside the jar.
No matter how smart this coach may be, they just don’t have the best perspective.

Why Coaches Need Coaches

Here are a few solid reasons to consider:
1. You can’t see your own blind spots (no matter how good you are).
Working with another coach gives you a mirror for your thinking as well as for your patterns, assumptions, habits, etc. Sometimes what’s holding you back isn’t a lack of skill, it’s something you’ve been overlooking for months without even realizing it.
2. You need a space where you don’t have to be “the coach.”
If you’re always the one holding space, asking questions, and being present for others… where do you go to just be human?
Coaching isn’t just a skill—it’s a way of being. Having your own coach gives you a place to exhale, process, and be supported in your own work.
3. Your growth matters just as much as your clients’.
It’s easy to focus all your energy outward on your clients, your programs, and your business, but if your own growth stalls, everything else eventually will too.
Working with your own coach keeps you stretching, refining, and evolving as a skilled professional, a business owner, and as a decent human being.
4. It strengthens your credibility (and integrity).
If we’re telling clients that coaching is valuable, transformational, and worth investing in, but we aren’t willing to invest in it ourselves—what message does that send?
Having our own coach isn’t just helpful. It’s aligned with ethical practice.
5. You become a better coach by being a client.
One of the best ways to improve your coaching is by being in the client’s seat.
You get to experience what works, what really resonates, and what feels “off.” This helps shape how you show up with your own clients. It also gives you real empathy and understanding for how your clients feel when they share their personal and vulnerable situations with you.

Why Do Coaches Sidestep Support?

Let’s look at some common reasons/excuses.
•“I can coach myself.”
You can reflect. You can journal. You can ask yourself good questions.
But it’s still you talking to… you.
There’s no interruption of your thinking, no fresh perspective, no challenge coming from outside your own mental filters.
•“I don’t have the time.”
I can definitely relate with this one.
Unfortunately, what often follows is feeling stuck, overthinking, or spinning in circles for weeks.
A coaching conversation will likely save you time.
•“I don’t have the money.”
This may be a totally realistic consideration.
It’s worth asking: what is it costing you not to have support?
Keep in mind that there may be ways to receive coaching as part of a peer coaching exchange with a colleague, through a barter agreement, or through low-cost programs like ReciproCoach.
•“I should be able to figure this out on my own.”
Says who?
And more importantly… why would you want to?
I speak from personal experience as a former lone wolf entrepreneur. Collaboration and learning together is faster and a lot more enjoyable.

What Kind of Coaching Might You Need?

Not all coaching is the same. Different types of support will make sense at different times depending on what you’re currently working on.
•Personal Coaching
This is about you and your life, your individual goals, and your challenges.
Coaches don’t stop being individuals with complex lives just because we have clients.
•Mentor Coaching
this specifically focuses on helping you improve your coaching skills in alignment with the ICF competencies. This kind of coaching allows you to get specific feedback and helps you refine how you show up in sessions with your clients. This is very important as you work towards your first or next ICF credential.
•Coaching Supervision
This offers a deeper, more reflective space that looks at how you’re showing up as a coach, your client dynamics, and the broader impact of your work.
•Peer Coaching / Coaching Exchanges
This can be a great way to stay in practice, learn from other coaches, and build professional connections. It works best when there’s some structure and a defined mutual commitment.

A Final Thought

If you’re a coach who isn’t currently being coached, here’s a simple question to sit with:
What might be possible if you didn’t have to figure everything out on your own?
Not because you can’t, but because you don’t have to.

If you know you’d like some support, but you’re not sure where to start, I’m happy to meet with you privately to discuss what you need and the possibilities available for you. Please feel free to book at call with me at www.coachnikkib.com/discovery.

The post Why Coaches Need Coaches (Yes, Even You) appeared first on Coach Nikki B.

In coaching conversations, stress is almost always present. Clients may not name it directly, but it shows up as overwhelm, indecision, exhaustion, or the sense that they’re constantly behind. We coaches aren’t immune either. Holding space for others while managing full calendars, responsibilities, and personal lives can quietly take a toll. I know it does for me.

This article is the first in a short series exploring stress through a coaching lens. Not to treat stress as something that’s wrong or broken, and not to rush to solutions, but to better understand the hidden costs of chronic stress and why being aware of it matters so much in coaching.

Stress Has a Purpose—Until It Doesn’t

Stress is not inherently bad. It’s a built-in survival mechanism designed to help us respond quickly to danger. When our brain perceives a threat, the body releases hormones that sharpen focus, increase energy, and prepare us to act. In short bursts, this response can be incredibly useful.

The challenge is that our nervous systems evolved for short-term threats, not for constant activation. Most of today’s stressors aren’t life-threatening, yet our bodies often react as if they are. Deadlines, financial pressure, difficult conversations, and nonstop stimulation can all trigger the same response.

When stress becomes ongoing rather than occasional, it stops being helpful. Instead of supporting performance, it begins to interfere with clear thinking, emotional regulation, and recovery. This is where stress quietly shifts from ally to obstacle.

When Stress Becomes the Baseline (The Caffeine Effect)

Think about what happens when someone drinks too much caffeine. A single cup of coffee can feel energizing at first. Over time, though, the body adapts. It takes more caffeine to get the same effect, and without it, fatigue and irritability set in.

Stress works in a similar way. When we’re stressed frequently, the body becomes accustomed to elevated levels of stimulation. What once felt intense starts to feel normal. Busyness becomes a default state. Urgency starts to feel necessary. Slowing down can even feel uncomfortable.

For many clients (and many coaches) this heightened state becomes the baseline. We may not recognize how stressed we are because it’s simply how life feels. From a coaching perspective, this matters. A nervous system that’s constantly revved up has less capacity for reflection, creativity, and shifting perspective.

Acute Stress vs. Chronic Stress: Why the Difference Matters in Coaching

Not all stress is the same. Acute stress is short-term and situational. It’s what you feel when something sudden or intense happens—an emergency, a close call, a high-stakes moment. While acute stress can be taxing, it usually resolves pretty quickly once the situation passes.

Chronic stress is different. It’s the low-grade, persistent pressure that lingers day after day. It may come from workload, financial strain, caregiving responsibilities, or the constant sense of needing to keep up. There’s no clear endpoint, and little opportunity for the body to fully reset.

From a coaching standpoint, chronic stress is particularly important to recognize. It can affect how clients process information, make decisions, and engage with the coaching process itself. Chronic stress narrows attention and reduces cognitive flexibility—the very qualities coaching is designed to support.

The Coaching Cost of Chronic Stress

When clients are under chronic stress, it often shows up in subtle but consistent ways. They may struggle to prioritize, feel scattered when setting goals, or cycle through the same challenges without meaningful progress. Sessions can feel urgent but unfocused, busy but unproductive.

It’s easy for coaches to misinterpret these patterns. A stressed client may appear unmotivated, resistant, or inconsistent. In reality, their system may simply be overloaded. Chronic stress can drain the mental and emotional energy needed for insight and follow-through.

There’s also a cost for us as coaches. Chronic stress can affect our ability to stay fully present, grounded, curious, and engaged. It can reduce our patience, decrease the quality of our listening, and make sessions feel more difficult than they need to be. Over time, this can contribute to burnout, even in work we care deeply about.

Recognizing the role of stress doesn’t mean coaching turns into stress management. It means we become more skillful at noticing and exploring the conditions that support or limit a client’s capacity for growth.

Awareness Before Action: A Coaching-Aligned First Step

In a culture that loves quick fixes, it’s tempting to jump right into strategies. But when it comes to stress, awareness is often the most powerful starting point.

For coaches, this means noticing patterns—both in ourselves and in our clients. When does urgency dominate the conversation? Where does overwhelm show up again and again? What seems to drain energy rather than restore it?

Awareness opens the door for choice. When stress is named and observed, it’s no longer just background noise. Clients can begin to distinguish between external pressures and internal responses. Coaches can make more intentional decisions about pacing, focus, and presence.
Rather than asking, “How do we fix this?” more useful questions might be, What’s happening here? What does it make possible (or impossible) right now?

In the posts ahead, we’ll explore how chronic stress affects clarity and decision-making, what it means for coaching presence, and practical ways coaches can support clients who are navigating high levels of stress.
For now, simply notice. Stress becomes far easier to work with once we stop treating it as invisible.

As you reflect on these things, I’d love to hear what you notice about how stress may be affecting your work as a coach. Feel free to leave a comment here or reach out to me directly.

The post The Hidden Cost of Chronic Stress—for Coaches and Their Clients appeared first on Coach Nikki B.

And no, it’s not because you don’t understand coaching or somehow missed an important memo.

Many coaches treat the session agreement like a mental checklist:
• What outcome does the client want?
• Why does it matter to them?
• How will they know they’ve achieved it?
• What needs to happen in this session?

Although technically correct, in real conversation, this approach can feel stiff, awkward, and disconnected.

The Subtle Shift That Changes Everything

Here’s what I’ve noticed after years of coaching and listening to coaches talk about their struggles with agreements:

When we’re focused on getting the agreement “right,” our attention often turns inward.
We start monitoring ourselves instead of staying fully with the client.
And yes, clients feel that lack of presence from their coach even if they can’t name it.

What if, instead of treating the session agreement as a separate “step” in the coaching, we recognized it for what it really is?
❌Not a requirement.
❌Not a hurdle.
❌Not something we do to satisfy a competency.
✔️But instead, an opportunity to be purposefully curious in service of the client.

Agreements as Orientation, Not Interrogation

A strong session agreement isn’t about extracting a perfect outcome statement. It’s about helping both coach and client orient to what matters right now.

When the session agreement works well, it:
• Creates shared focus
• Strengthens the coaching partnership
• Sets a clear yet flexible direction for the conversation
• Supports greater depth in the session
• And yes, allows the coach to demonstrate ICF Core Competency 3 clearly and confidently

This is where the spirit of the International Coaching Federation Core Competencies actually comes alive—not as a formula, but as presence, partnership, and trust.
Ironically, the more we relax our grip on the checklist, the more naturally the competencies tend to show up.

Common Traps Even Experienced Coaches Fall Into

If session agreements feel clunky, it’s often because of one of these common habits:
• Rushing the exploration process and choosing a direction before the client has clarity on the real problem
• Over-structuring the session or relying on formulas
• Treating the agreement as a task to be checked off a list, rather than a doorway into the client’s thinking

None of these mean you’re doing anything “wrong.”
They usually mean you care—and you want to do this well.
The good news? This is something that can be practiced, refined, and made to feel far more natural.

A Gentle Invitation

If you’ve felt that subtle tension during session agreements and want them to feel more conversational and natural—I’m offering a small, six-session group intensive focused entirely on crafting session agreements that:
• Feel natural and human
• Strengthen the coaching partnership
• Support clearer, more impactful sessions
• Meet ICF expectations without sounding forced or formulaic

This is highly experiential. We’ll practice, coach, and reflect together. It’s very much a hands-on space, not a sit-back-and-listen kind of thing.

If you’re curious:
• Starts February 5
• Meets every other Thursday, 9:00–10:30 AM Eastern / 6:00–7:30 AM Pacific
• Dates: Feb 5 & 19, March 5 & 19, April 2 & 16
• Investment: $450 (includes six group sessions plus one individual mentor coaching session with me)
If it feels like a good fit, you’re welcome to reach out for more information.

A Question to Sit With

Before you go, here’s something to reflect on:
When you think about your recent session agreements, where was most of your attention—on the client, or on getting it “right”?
Sometimes, that question alone opens up a whole new way of being in the conversation.

The post When Session Agreements Feel Harder Than They Should appeared first on Coach Nikki B.

But for many people, this season doesn’t feel full of light at all. It can stir up grief, loneliness, financial stress, family tension, or an annoying sense of being out of step with all the cheer swirling around.
If that’s you this year, I want you to know something important: you’re not broken, and you’re not alone.
Even if it feels that way.

I’ve learned that holidays tend to amplify whatever is already present in our lives. If things are joyful, they can feel extra bright. If things are heavy, they can feel even heavier. That contrast can be exhausting. So rather than adding more pressure, I want to offer a gentle invitation
💛 to breathe.
💛 To be kind to yourself.
💛 To remember that this season doesn’t have to look a certain way to be meaningful.

I personally believe that our Creator has a plan and a purpose for each of us—even when life feels confusing or painful. I don’t offer that as a neat explanation or a tidy bow to wrap around hard things. I simply offer it as a quiet reassurance. Meaning doesn’t disappear just because circumstances are difficult. Sometimes it’s just harder to find.

One of my favorite reminders comes from Mary Kay Ash, who said, “The past is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why they call it the present.”
I love the simplicity of that thought. Not last month. Not next year, Just today. One day at a time is more than enough especially during the holidays.

If you’re looking for small ways to make this season happier—or at least gentler—here are a few ideas to consider.
1. Lower the bar on “perfect.”
Holidays don’t need to be Pinterest-worthy to be worthwhile. Choose what actually matters to you this year, and let the rest be optional. Peace is a perfectly legitimate goal.
2. Create one small moment you can look forward to.
It might be a quiet morning coffee, a favorite song, a walk outside, or a call with someone who is in your corner. One grounded moment can anchor you for the entire day.
3. Name what’s true—for yourself.
You don’t have to explain it to anyone else. Simply acknowledging, “This is hard for me right now,” can be surprisingly relieving. Honesty is not negativity; it’s grounding.
4. Stay gently connected.
Loneliness often tempts us to withdraw, even though connection is what we need most. A short message, a shared laugh, or even being around others without much conversation still counts.
5. Let today be enough.
You don’t have to solve anything this season. You don’t have to figure out the future. Showing up for this day, just as it is, is already a quiet act of courage.

If the holidays feel joyful for you, I hope that joy deepens and spreads. If they feel heavy, I hope you give yourself permission to move through them at your own pace. And if you find yourself somewhere in between, that counts too.
Wherever you are this season, I’m wishing you warmth, moments of ease, and the quiet reassurance that you matter—exactly as you are, right now.

Big hugs,

The post A Gentle Wish for the Holiday Season appeared first on Coach Nikki B.

Wherever you’re starting, this list is designed to give you a clear foundation. These aren’t the only steps to building a thriving practice, but putting these pieces in place will help you grow with more confidence, clarity, and ease. Think of this as your starting point—a practical roadmap you can build on as your coaching business develops. Let’s dive in.

1. Get Clear on Who You Help and What Problem You Solve.

It may feel counterintuitive, but trying to serve “everyone” makes your message invisible. Narrow your focus to one primary group and the specific struggle they keep hitting. That clarity makes your invitations easier to say yes to—and it gives you a solid direction for every other business decision. People aren’t usually looking for general support; they want relief from a very specific problem. How will your coaching help them?

2. Create one signature offer first.

Instead of juggling six different packages that are confusing to both your audience and yourself, create one simple, solid offer you can talk about confidently. A clear offer with a clear outcome gives people something concrete to say yes to. Once you have it working, then you can add tiers, group programs, or anything else you feel inspired to offer.

3. Build an online home base.

Your website doesn’t need bells and whistles—it just needs to explain what you do, who it’s for, and how someone can take the next step. Think of it as your digital welcome mat. Keep it clean, clear, and simple, and make sure your contact or booking link is easy to find.

4. Create a lead magnet that is really helpful, not a homework assignment.

People don’t want a 30-page PDF—they want relief, insight, or a quick win. Offer something small, useful, and easy to implement right away. A checklist, short guide, or quick audio lesson works beautifully.

5. Develop a consistent content rhythm that is also kind to you.

Showing up regularly builds trust, but “regularly” doesn’t have to mean daily. Pick one platform (yes, just one) and one format that fits your energy—audio, written, or talking video. Consistency beats intensity every time, especially in your first couple years.

6. Talk about results, not roles.

Most people don’t understand what coaching is—but they absolutely understand feeling stuck, overwhelmed, uninspired, or unclear. Frame your work around the transformation you help people create, not the tools you use. Paint the picture of what life looks like after working with you.

7. Create a simple, repeatable way people can meet you.

A brief discovery call, chemistry session, or clarity conversation (whatever you want to call it) helps people experience your presence, which is your best sales tool. Keep it friendly, structured, and conversational. You’re not “selling”; you’re helping them see what’s possible when they work with you.

8. Collect social proof early.

Social proof builds trust faster than anything else. Ask for feedback, short testimonials, or results your clients are willing to share. Evidence of transformation helps prospects believe their own transformation is possible.

9. Learn the basics of ethical marketing.

Marketing doesn’t mean manipulation. It means clear communication rooted in service. When you frame marketing as simply connecting with the people you can help most, it feels less like a drudgery and more like an extension of your coaching.

10. Create a weekly “CEO session” to keep yourself on track.

It’s easy for coaches to get caught up in busywork. A weekly CEO session of an hour or two can help you refocus on what is actually important in your business: conversations, content, and follow-ups. Treat it seriously–like a meeting with the head of your future thriving business.

11. Map out the first steps of your client journey.

Think through what happens after someone says “yes.” A simple onboarding process, welcome message, and first-session structure creates a grounded, professional coaching experience. Clients feel safe when they know what to expect.

12. Make your messaging sound like a real human—not a brochure.

People hire coaches they feel connected to. Write and speak like yourself. Warmth, honesty, and clarity build trust far more effectively than polished, overly formal marketing language.

13. Build genuine connections with other coaches and service providers.

Your peers can be a surprising source of referrals. Some of your best clients may come from people who coach in a completely different niche. Build your network early—it can pay off for many years.

14. Use your email list as your main relationship-building platform.

Social media is rented land; your website and email list are your home base. Send something simple and supportive at least twice a month. A short email with genuine value builds trust more effectively than chasing the elusive algorithms.

15. Learn how to talk about your coaching.

Step away from the coaching jargon. Practice describing what you do in plain language: what changes for people, how they feel after coaching, what challenges coaching helps resolve. A confident, clear explanation helps people self-identify as your ideal client.

16. Prioritize conversations over tasks.

Coaching businesses grow through real human connection, not complicated funnels. Make space each week for conversations: follow-ups, check-ins, introductions, and warm outreach. No pressure—just connection.

17. Create a simple system for tracking leads and relationships.

You don’t need a fancy CRM to get started. A spreadsheet or small database works just fine. Tracking your contacts prevents missed opportunities and helps you see where clients are really coming from.

18. Strengthen your sales conversations through curiosity and presence.

It’s fine to have a structure, but you don’t need a script. Just bring your curiosity, compassion, and clear offer. Ask questions that help prospects understand what they want—and whether coaching is the right path to get there.

19. Keep improving your coaching skills.

Newer coaches often underestimate how much strong coaching skills support strong business results. As your coaching improves, your confidence grows—and confident coaches attract clients more naturally.

20. Anchor yourself by cultivating a coaching mindset.

Growing a coaching business can feel vulnerable. Give yourself practices—journaling, supervision, mentor coaching, reflection—to help you stay grounded in your worth and your purpose. This grounding supports your confidence, and confidence is magnetic to potential clients.

What’s Next?

If this list feels a bit daunting—or if you’d simply like ongoing support as you put these pieces into place—I’d love to invite you to join us in Coaches in CAHOOTS. It’s a collaborative community for coaches who are serious about growing their practice with clarity, confidence, and integrity. We explore practical topics like this list, connect through meaningful discussion and shared learning, and help each other stay focused on what matters most. If you want a place to grow your coaching skills and your business, we’re here for you.

The post 20 Foundational Steps to Attract More Coaching Clients appeared first on Coach Nikki B.

Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to coach someone else than to coach yourself? That’s one of the reasons I love peer coaching—it keeps us sharp, supported, and surrounded by others who “get it.”

What Peer Coaching Is

Peer coaching (sometimes called reciprocal peer coaching) is simply two or more coaches coming together to practice their craft. In a two-person setup, one coaches while the other receives coaching—and the next session, they switch roles.

A step up from this is a coaching triad, which includes a coach, a client, and an observer. The observer’s neutral perspective brings an extra layer of insight and helps both the coach and client see what they might otherwise miss.

Why It Works

When we build these kinds of relationships, we get to both give and receive coaching. It’s a safe place to stretch new muscles—try a more direct approach, practice using more silence, or experiment with new questions—without the pressure of a paying client.

Feedback is what makes it even more powerful. When shared thoughtfully, feedback turns every session into a learning lab. The trick is to focus on the coaching, not on the client’s issue. That keeps the feedback grounded and useful.

My Experience with Peer Coaching

I’ve participated in several peer coaching rounds over the years, and I’ve grown from each one. Some of my partners came from entirely different coach training programs, and I learned a lot from their approaches—sometimes what to try, and sometimes what not to do.

One of my very first peer partners is still connected with me fourteen years later. She’s been both a coaching partner and a client, and we’ve shared a lot of growth along the way.

Not every peer partnership is a perfect match, but every single one has offered something valuable—skills, insight, or genuine friendship.

Getting Started

If you’d like to experience this kind of mutual growth, you have options:
• The ICF Reciprocal Peer Coaching Program offers structured rounds for ICF members.
• ReciproCoach runs themed coaching rounds where you can practice specific skills or prepare for your credential application.
• Within Coaches in CAHOOTS, you can also sign up for coaching triads with fellow members.
Whichever route you choose, set clear agreements, honor confidentiality, and remember—you’re both learning. Treat each other with the same professionalism you’d offer any client.

Final Thoughts
Peer coaching reminds us that growth doesn’t happen in isolation. It happens through practice, presence, and partnership. Whether you’re sharpening your skills or rediscovering your curiosity as a client, it’s a beautiful way to keep learning—and to keep coaching fun.

The post Peer Coaching: Growing Together as Coaches appeared first on Coach Nikki B.

For us as coaches, though, listening isn’t just another skill on a checklist. It’s our greatest leverage point. We don’t just hear; we hold presence. We notice the pause between words, the sigh before a “yes,” the quiet hesitation that hints at an underlying truth.

In this article, I’ll walk you through what it means to listen at a truly transformational level—how to go beyond active listening into aware listening. We’ll look at how it connects to the International Coaching Federation (ICF) Core Competencies and explore what everyday people and professional coaches alike can practice to listen better.

The Lost Art of Listening

Our attention is constantly pulled in a dozen directions at once. Studies on multitasking from the American Psychological Association show that multitasking doesn’t make us more efficient—it just fragments our focus.
That’s the problem: you can’t multitask awareness.

Real listening begins with intention, attention, and empathy. It’s not about advice; it’s about connection. When we slow down enough to notice what’s being said—and what’s not—we give one of the rarest gifts in modern life: our full, curious attention.

Coaching-Level Listening: Beyond Words

Most people listen to respond. Coaches listen to awaken.

The ICF defines Competency 6 – Listens Actively as focusing on what the client is and is not saying to fully understand their message in context.
That’s not about technique—it’s about posture.
• I tune in not just to words but to tone, rhythm, and silence.
• I notice what’s left out.
• And I keep the whole person in view: their story, values, and emotional landscape.

Listening matures across credential levels:
• ACC: Hears what’s said and reflects understanding.
• PCC: Listens beneath the surface for meaning, feeling, and pattern.
• MCC: Integrates it all—language, emotion, energy, and possibility.

It’s like we go from hearing individual notes to hearing chords to finally being able to discern not just the melody, but the harmony underneath it.

The Foundation Beneath Listening: Mindset and Presence

Before a single question is asked, the coach’s mindset has already entered the space.

If I show up distracted or trying to “coach well,” my listening narrows.
When I arrive grounded, open, and unattached to outcome, the conversation expands.
The ICF highlights this through two core ideas:
• Competency 2 – Embodies a Coaching Mindset (open, curious, client-centered)
• Competency 5 – Maintains Presence (fully conscious, flexible, grounded)

Presence isn’t passive—it’s alert, calm readiness.
At the ACC level, that may mean giving the client space to think.
At PCC, it means noticing who the client is as much as what they’re trying to do.
At MCC, presence becomes almost musical—moving with the client’s rhythm, trusting silence, sensing shift.

As psychologist Ellen Langer defines it, “Mindfulness is the process of actively noticing new things.” That’s exactly what great coaching presence feels like—awake curiosity in motion.

Empathy, Trust, and Safety

Empathy isn’t sentimental; it’s structural. Competency 4 – Cultivates Trust and Safety says coaching thrives when clients feel genuinely seen.

In his book, Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman defines empathy as the ability to sense how others feel and understand their perspective. It’s not stepping into their emotions; it’s standing beside them with compassion.
• ACC: Acknowledges emotion — “That sounds discouraging.”
• PCC: Explores what the emotion reveals — “What does that feeling tell you about what matters right now?”
• MCC: Partners with emotion as information — “I sense a shift when you say that—what’s happening inside?”

Empathy builds the bridge; trust allows the client to cross.

Listening to the Unspoken: Tone, Body, and Energy

If listening were only about words, transcripts would do the job. But human conversation hums with tone, rhythm, and breath—what you might call “energy signatures.”

The Science and the Myth
The “93 percent of communication is nonverbal” claim gets quoted everywhere—but it’s misleading. It comes from Albert Mehrabian’s 1967 research on how people interpret conflicting emotional messages. It never meant that words don’t matter—only that when words and tone disagree, people tend to believe the tone.

What we can take from that research isn’t a percentage; it’s perspective. The emotional quality of how something is said shapes how it’s received. Neuroscience backs that up: prosody—the melody of speech—activates emotional regions of the brain separate from language (Grandjean et al., 2005).

When a client says “I’m fine” with a sigh, I might gently ask,
“I heard a pause before you said ‘fine.’ What’s happening in that pause?”
That’s Competency 6.05 — noticing and inquiring about nonverbal cues in real time.

Energy: The Invisible Layer
Energy isn’t mystical; it’s the felt quality of a moment. At the MCC level, coaches perceive subtle shifts in language, emotion, or energy.

Maybe the client’s voice lifts when they imagine possibility or tightens when they mention obligation. I might say:
“Your tone softened there—what’s shifting for you?”
That’s partnership, not intuition on autopilot—Competency 6.04 — offering what you sense and honoring the client’s response.

Listening When You Can’t See
Many coaches meet clients virtually or by phone, where visual cues vanish—and something richer emerges.
As a blind coach, I never see my clients, not even when I’m with them in person. Yet that absence of sight can actually be an advantage.

Without visual bias, I’m more sensitive to everything I hear —the rhythm, the hesitation, the tremor behind laughter. I often tell my students, “Your eyes can lie to you.” Vision can dominate attention and drown out deeper cues. It’s not that sight is useless—it’s just not required for powerful coaching.

When you rely on presence and mindful attention, your awareness catches what eyes might miss. Research even shows that voice-only conversations can increase empathy by removing visual bias (Kraus, M. W., American Psychologist, 2017).

Listening without sight proves that real perception in coaching doesn’t come through the eyes—it comes through presence.

Common Listening Traps for Coaches

Even seasoned coaches slip into listening habits that quietly dull connection. According to the ICF, these behaviors are inconsistent with active listening.

Listening to Fix
When we start mentally considering how the problem might be solved, we’ve already left the client behind.
Competency 1 (Ethical Practice) reminds us to stay in the coaching lane.
If you notice this has happened to you in a session, simply return to the client’s voice. Later, when reviewing a recording, you might ask, “Where did I start thinking for them instead of with them?”
Our job isn’t to improve; it’s to evoke.

Listening for Story Instead of Meaning
It can be so easy to get caught up in the client’s narrative—who, what, when.
Mature coaching listens for themes and patterns: what’s driving the story.
That’s the shift from ACC clarity to PCC exploration to MCC integration.

Listening Through Bias
Bias is human. Competency 2.04 calls us to recognize and manage it.
During sessions, staying really curious is the antidote; after sessions, reflection can reveal where bias slipped in.

Listening to Perform
Performance mode can sneak into our sessions at any stage – especially when we are trying to get a good recording for our credential application.
Ironically, the most masterful sessions sound effortless because the coach has stopped trying to sound masterful and is simply present.

Listening to Instead of with
Listening “to” implies evaluation; listening with creates partnership.
That’s the essence of Competency 4 (Cultivates Trust and Safety).

During the session, be entirely with the client.
After the session, be gently with yourself as the learner.
Presence now, reflection later—that’s how listening matures from a skill to a way of being.

Building Mastery — Practices That Strengthen Listening

Listening grows through practice, not theory. Here are a few ways to keep honing your edge:
1. Presence Before Performance
Take thirty seconds before each session to breathe and fully return to be with your client.
That single act embodies Competencies 2 and 5—mindset and presence.
2. Curiosity Over Certainty
Questions are the currency of coaching; curiosity is the economy.
When curiosity leads, Competency 6 (Listens Actively) flows into Competency 7 (Evokes Awareness).
Curiosity isn’t something we switch on in sessions; it’s something we cultivate in how we live. The more we practice genuine curiosity in everyday life, the more naturally it shows up in our coaching.
3. Reflective Practice
After sessions, ask: What awareness emerged for me in this session?
That’s part of Competency 2.09 — Ongoing Reflective Practice.
Reflection on what we notice in sessions can help us learn to recognize and trust our intuition.
4. The Silence Stretch
After your client finishes speaking, silently give yourself the space of at least one full breath.
That small pause honors their (and your) thinking space—and that’s often where the gold is discovered.
5. Energy Awareness
Notice when a client’s energy rises or dips. Over time, patterns appear—insight clients may not yet see. That’s advanced MCC-level Competency 6 in action.
6. Peer Listening Practice
One of my favorite parts of leading mentor coaching groups is watching coaches practice together. It’s not about performance, just discovery.
When listening becomes collective learning, mastery becomes contagious.

From Listening to Awareness

When we truly listen, awareness follows naturally.
As Carl Rogers wrote in On Becoming a Person (1961):
“When someone really hears you without judgment or trying to fix you, it feels damn good.”

That’s the bridge between Competency 6 (Listens Actively) and Competency 7 (Evokes Awareness).
• ACC: Reflects for clarity.
• PCC: Invites exploration.
• MCC: Co-creates discovery.
Great listening doesn’t just lead to awareness—it is awareness expressed through attention.

A Reflection and Invitation

In a noisy world, coaches have the privilege of being the quiet that transforms.
Every pause, every curious question, every moment of presence tells our clients, “You matter enough to be fully heard.”

If you’d like to grow your listening skills in community with your peers, come join us in Coaches in CAHOOTS—where we meet weekly to practice, reflect, and refine essentials like presence, empathy, and deep listening in a supportive, judgment-free space.
Because when we listen better, we coach better.
And when we coach better, we can help countless others start to listen more deeply.

The post Listening That Transforms: How Coaches Elevate Conversations Through Presence, Curiosity, and Deep Awareness appeared first on Coach Nikki B.

When you start coaching: your natural desire to help can become your biggest professional pitfall. We’re wired to care deeply, give generously, and go that extra mile for our clients. It’s what makes us good coaches. But without clear boundaries, that same instinct will eventually drain your energy, hijack your time, and leave you feeling resentful toward the work you love so much.

Sound familiar?

Your clients are struggling with the exact same issue. Many of them come to coaching precisely because they’ve been saying yes when they desperately wanted to say no. They’re burned out from people-pleasing and are overwhelmed by commitments they never really wanted to make.

When you get serious about your own boundaries, something beautiful happens. You protect your own well-being, and you also become a living example of what healthy limits look like. Your clients see boundaries in action, and this can give them permission to create their own.
This article will help you build those boundaries for yourself so you can be a good role model for your clients.

What Boundaries Are And What They Aren’t

Let me clear up a huge misconception right away. Boundaries aren’t walls that shut people out completely.

Think of boundaries as the guidelines you choose to set about what’s okay and what’s not okay for others to do to you, with you, or around you. They protect your time, energy, and resources.

I love how one of my mentors puts it: “Boundaries aren’t selfish — they’re the guardrails that protect what matters most.” Selfishness says, “I don’t care about you.” Boundaries say, “I care about both of us.” There’s a world of difference.

Reflection Question
Where in your life do you need more clarity about what’s okay and what’s not okay for you?

Why Setting Boundaries Feels Like Swimming Upstream

If boundaries are so valuable, why do so many of us—both coaches and clients—struggle with them?
The answer usually goes back to our conditioning.

Many of us, especially women, grew up learning that being helpful meant always being available. Saying yes felt expected; saying no felt selfish or mean. Add in our fear of disappointing people or causing conflict, and voilà! You’ve got a recipe for chronically weak boundaries.

Another thing I’ve learned through years of working on this myself and with clients: guilt always shows up when you’re breaking old habits. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing something wrong.

The ability to set healthy boundaries is a learned skill, not a personality trait. That means you can learn how to do it, practice it, and get stronger at it over time.

The Underestimated Power of “No”

“No” gets such a bad reputation. We think it’s harsh or unkind. But honestly, “no” might be the most protective word in the English language.
When you say no to requests that drain you, you’re automatically saying yes to what sustains you.

No protects your time, prevents overwhelm, and sets clear expectations with others. It frees up space for the things that truly matter to you.

It can be really helpful to start small with your nos. Skip one social event when you need rest. Decline one extra project when your plate is already full. These low-stakes practices build confidence for the bigger, scarier boundaries later.

Reflection Question
What’s one small request you could say no to this week without (too much) guilt? Start there.

Five Things I Wish Every Coach Knew About Boundaries

Over the years, I’ve noticed five foundational principles that make all the difference:
•Boundaries are about making an intentional choice. You get to decide how to use your time and energy.
•Boundaries require clarity. You can’t protect something you haven’t clearly defined for yourself.
•Boundaries build respect. When you honor your own limits, other people learn to honor them too.
•Boundaries evolve. As your life changes, your boundaries will shift. That’s not inconsistency—that’s growth and wisdom.

How to Actually Set Boundaries (The Practical Stuff)

Start by Defining Your Non-Negotiables
Try completing these sentences:
• People may not… (yell at me, dictate how I use my time, expect instant responses to non-urgent requests)
• I have a right to ask for… (honesty, quiet time, clear communication, advance notice)
• To protect my time and energy, it’s okay to… (let calls go to voicemail, decline without a detailed explanation, take breaks when I need them)
When you write these down, you create your own personalized map of where stronger boundaries are needed.

Keep Some Go-To Scripts Ready

One reason people avoid setting boundaries is they don’t know what to say. Here are some phrases that work beautifully:
•”Thank you, but I already have plans.” (Your plan might be rest—that counts!)
•”I need to check my schedule and get back to you.”
•”I’m not available for that, but here’s what I can offer instead.”

Buy Yourself Time

Instead of giving an automatic yes, try this:
“Let me think about that and I’ll get back to you.”
That pause creates space for you to make a thoughtful decision instead of a reactive one.

Practice with Small Stakes First

Boundaries get easier with repetition. Start with situations where the consequences are low, then work your way up to the relationships and requests that feel scarier.

Reflection question
Which area of your life feels most ready for a new boundary right now—your schedule, your relationships, or your work? Start there.

How to Hold the Line (When It Gets Uncomfortable)

Setting a boundary is one thing. Maintaining it when people push back is quite another matter.

First, expect some guilt when you start holding firmer boundaries. That guilt usually means you’re breaking an old people-pleasing habit, not that you’re doing something wrong. Remember the airplane safety demonstration—you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help anyone else.

Here’s something that may take some time to accept and embrace: you are not responsible for someone else’s disappointment unless you intended to cause harm. Their feelings are valid, but they’re not your responsibility to manage.

Most importantly, follow through. A boundary you don’t enforce becomes just a suggestion.

Reflection question
What emotions come up for you when you think about holding a firm boundary? Notice them without judgment—they’re giving you information about old patterns that need updating.

When People Test Your Boundaries (And They Will)

Not everyone will celebrate your new boundaries. Some people will test them repeatedly, hoping you’ll cave. Expect guilt-tripping, manipulation, or “just this once” requests.

Here’s a simple three-step approach:
1. Inform: State your boundary clearly and calmly.
2. Warn: When a boundary is crossed, remind the offender of the consequence of continuing to ignore the boundary. This must be a consequence you are willing to implement.
3. Follow through: You must be consistent, even when it feels uncomfortable.

Reflection question
Which of these steps do you personally find to be the most challenging? What will help you improve?

Professional Boundaries for Coaches

As coaches, our boundaries aren’t just personal—they’re professional responsibilities.
•Time boundaries: Start and end sessions on schedule. This models respect for time and teaches clients that boundaries aren’t flexible just because someone wants them to be.
•Availability boundaries: Be crystal clear about how clients can reach you between sessions.
•Role boundaries: Coaching isn’t therapy, consulting, or friendship. When clients try to pull you into other roles, gently redirect them back to the coaching relationship.
•Responsibility boundaries: Your clients are accountable for their own progress. You support and collaborate, but you don’t carry them.

When coaches model healthy boundaries, clients see what respect looks like in action.

Reflection question
Take an honest look at your coaching practice. Which agreements feel strong, and where are you giving away too much?

Helping Your Clients Build Their Own Boundaries

Once you’ve strengthened your own boundary muscles, you’ll be amazed at how effectively you can help clients develop theirs.

I like to ask questions that create awareness:
“What does saying yes to this request cost you in terms of time, energy, or other priorities?” or “What makes saying no feel so uncomfortable in this situation?”

I always encourage clients to start with small experiments—What would it be like for them to try one new boundary this week and see what happens? Each small success builds confidence for the next challenge.

Advanced Boundary Strategies for Coaches

To keep your own boundaries healthy over the long term:
1. Audit your daily habits for what I call “boundary leaks”—those small ways you over-give or make yourself too available. Maybe it’s answering emails outside business hours or staying late because you didn’t want to disappoint someone.
2. Put your policies in writing. Clear written policies about cancellations, payments, and session times eliminate confusion and give you something to point to when boundaries are tested.
3. Use technology to reinforce your availability. Scheduling apps, auto-responders, and “do not disturb” settings can maintain boundaries even when your people-pleasing instincts kick in.
4. Reflect regularly. I ask myself regularly: Where am I holding strong boundaries? Where am I starting to bend? This can prevent small boundary erosions from becoming big problems.

The Freedom That Comes with Boundaries

Here’s what I’ve discovered after years of working on this: boundaries don’t create walls—they create freedom.

Boundaries protect your energy so you can show up fully for what matters most. They strengthen your relationships by creating clear expectations. They give you space to serve your clients from a place of choice rather than obligation.

As a coach, healthy boundaries mean you serve from strength instead of depletion. And when you model this for your clients, you give them permission to do the same.

That’s one of the most valuable gifts you can offer—showing someone what it looks like to protect what matters most to them.

If you’re ready to stop struggling with boundaries and start holding them with confidence—both for yourself and your clients—I’d love to talk with you. Book a discovery call with me, and we’ll explore how you can create boundaries that protect your energy, strengthen your coaching practice, and inspire your clients to build their own.

The post Boundaries in Coaching: Essential Skills for Your Well-Being and Your Clients’ Growth appeared first on Coach Nikki B.

This sentiment really hits home for me. It’s true for any craft — and especially for coaching.

Confidence doesn’t just appear one day because you’ve earned a certificate or read the right books. It’s built in layers — through learning, doing, listening, and reflecting.

At the roots, developing confidence in anything requires four things:

• Knowledge — understanding the basics of what you’re trying to do.
• Practice — showing up consistently to do the work, even when it’s uncomfortable or messy.
• Feedback — learning from others and adjusting things as needed along the way.
• Reflection — tuning in to your own wisdom, noticing your growth, and building trust in yourself as you go.

In coaching, those four keys might look like this:

• Knowledge — deepening your understanding of human behavior and what makes a powerful coaching conversation.
• Practice — coaching regularly with a variety of people (not just other coaches) to stretch your skills.
• Feedback — seeking input from mentor coaches and supervisors to increase awareness and refine your approach.
• Reflection — taking time to review your sessions with honesty and self-compassion, noticing what worked, what didn’t, and how each experience is shaping you into a stronger, more grounded coach.

The more you put your coaching into the world, the more your confidence grows. It’s not about being perfect — it’s about being present.

So, here’s my question for you:
👉 Which area do you most need to strengthen right now — your knowledge, your practice, your feedback, or your reflection?

The post Building Confidence as a Coach appeared first on Coach Nikki B.