coaching-info

4 Steps to Invigorate and Inspire Your Future

2013-08-03T04:21:00.000-03:00

You may have heard about Appreciative Inquiry. It offers a 4-step process of what they coined 4-D, which are: Discover, Dream, Design and Destiny.

I thought about the common denominators between this process and others which I often use in my practice, from the GROW coaching model to The Work (Byron Katie), Solution Focus Brief Therapy (SFBT), Neuroscience-based coaching; Nancy Kline's Thinking Partnership methodology and Co-Active Coaching.

We are trying to achieve – using seemingly different tools and approaches – the same result.

At the risk of comparing apples and oranges (which I don't think I am doing) here is the process I came up with, based on the above mixture of approaches.

1. What Is? ("Best Experience")

Focus is on identifying "what is" (similar the often-used GROW coaching model, exploring current reality in Co-Active Coaching, as well as to the rigorous look at 'what is' in Byron Katie's The Work).

The guideline is: ask carefully constructed positive-focused questions. The quest is to find out what drives success, what contributes to your own (or employees') satisfaction, and what helps maximise productivity. The purpose of the questions asked during this stage in the process is to discover the elements that are most valued by the person(s) asked (or by yourself). What "makes them tick"?

For example:

When did you feel the most engaged and alive recently?

Where did you feel the happiest/most successful at your job?

What first attracted you to this job/this partner/living here?

When has someone recently helped you succeed at a task?

What makes your work meaningful?

What do you find most exciting about your position?

If we asked your friends to share with three of your best qualities, what would they say?

Where do you gain your inspiration?

If you were the manager of the organisation, in what area would you focus more of your time?

What is most enjoyable for you?

What do you feel confident about?

Tell me about a time when you felt content?

What do you value most about the nature of your work?

What do you think draws people to work here?

Wish

After identifying the current situation or "what is," the next step in the Appreciative Inquiry process allows you to focus on "what might be." This is the time to explore without boundaries, 'brainstorm' and let all dreams loose.

(This echoes with GROW's Options stage, and be very familiar to coaches, no matter of which theoretical persuasion, as it is about visualising another future; defining what we want instead of what we have, or know.)

Here are some positive-focused questions for this phase:

Imagine and tell me what your perfect change would look like?

What are your deepest desires for/your life/ your career/ the organisation?

If you could wave a magic wand and have precisely what you desire, what would that be?

If a genie granted you three wishes relating to your job (or organisation/or your relationship), what would you ask for?

If you could fast-forward three to five years into the future and imagine that your highest hopes and dreams have become a reality, how does the organisation/your life look? How is your work or day different?

What are some of the ways that you're interacting with others (in the organisation/in your family) that are working for you?

What Now?

Now that you looked at what got you here, or what sustained you this far; what are your (and or your organisation's strengths), and you explored options/ went into what you wish for; you can start sifting through to start planning a different future.

Moving from "what might be" into - "how can it be." AI terms it "provocative propositions." However, this is very similar, and achieves the same results, as the Turn Around questions of "The Work" – what if you tried something different to replace your current thinking? It is also very close to Nancy Kline's Incisive Question, which is a compelling way of looking at removing a current limiting assumption and opening up new possibilities.

Here, it is vital that the questions and statements are linked with the language used (by the client/thinker) when they were describing the desired future.

The idea is that at the end of this stage is that you will have a series of paragraphs that outline how the Dream will be realised. The big question to ask at this state is "how can we start achieving what we wished for?"

What Will Be?

You now have possibilities, options, new assumptions maybe replacing the old. It is time to decide on an Action Plan.

That is the parallel of GROW's Way Forward, or Co-Active Coaching Action Plan. Every successful coaching process needs to get this far to move the client meaningfully to a new chosen path -- towards the client's goal.

It is the phase in which the client can be led to incorporate the possibility statements with his or her job, organisation, family.

'What will be' offers a new lens through which to start looking at the now. Here, again, what we do as coaches aligns with the knowledge base available – from Adult Learning theories to positive psychology research findings, to Neuroscience.

To start looking through this new lens, we are moving attention from what is, and what isn't working into the realm of possibility; informed by our deep dreams and desires, our revalidated values; by what we now know we need.

As Solution Focus Brief Therapy teaches us, as does our knowledge about how our brains work, if we focus on the negative, our problems get more prominent and more overwhelming.

However, moving toward a Positive Way Forward - using Appreciative Inquiry, SFBT, The Work, Co-Active Coaching, Thinking Environment methods – any of these – is about a focus on the desired future, the "solution".

Sit and watch how the new connections you now made in your brain just by allowing you to dream and think of options open up a new pa

4 Things To Do to Ensure You Can Lead Effectively

2013-05-09T06:53:00.000-03:00

I am doing a great course through the woderous free university-level Coursera (www.coursera.org) on Inspiring Leadership Through Emotional Intelligence led by the delightful academic Richard Boyatzis. In my readings I find many quotable, memorable lessons.

Here's one from today, out of an article entitled "MINDFULNESS, HOPE AND COMPASSION: A LEADER’S ROAD MAP TO RENEWAL" by Annie McKee, Frances Johnston, and Richard Massimilian.

"When leaders face power stress over the long term and cannot find ways to manage its downside, they risk becoming trapped in the Sacrifice Syndrome, a vicious circle leading to mental and physical distress, and sometimes even executive burnout...He or she may find that things begin to slip at work and/or at home: small problems may seem more than usually troublesome; relationships may become strained; self-confidence may slip and physical health may suffer as well. Some people may even begin to act out; they may make rash decisions, act impulsively or do things that seem to contradict their values. But that’s not all. Emotions are literally contagious, and when leaders are in the grip of the Sacrifice Syndrome, the dissonance they create will spread to those around them."

It is so very familiar to me from both my own life experience as well as my clients'.
The more senior they are, the worse this syndrome can be, not just because they are experiencing more responsibilities - but also because they affect so many around them, causing a snowballing effect of despondency, no-stop-to-think mode, never pausing to actually renew energies and open up creativity; both requiring using the parasympathetic nervous system rather than the stress-induced task-focus system which is the sympathetic nervous system.

Learning practices that enable us to renew our energies and open up a space to think and plan, is critical.

The four that will extract you out of this involves, as has been shown by many different researchers, are:

Mindfulness - by breathing deeply, bringing yourself to being fully present. (Yoga, meditation, moderate exercise or prayer work well);

Hope - connect with your dreams, talk about future plans;

Compassion - by showing that you care and focus on helping someone else, being in a loving space. Playing with pets included;

Playfulness - by making sure you don't take yourself and life too seriously. Laugh! use humor!

From the International Coach Federation - Why does coaching work?

2013-05-07T13:14:00.000-03:00

Why Coaching Works infographic by swrightcreative.

or view here

Dove Real Beauty Sketches

2013-04-23T06:46:00.000-03:00

Two very different colleagues of mine sent me this link recently. There is so much wisdom here in terms of how we see ourselves, and it goes so much deeper than how we look. The scary thing is, at times, to see this gap between how someone experiences herself, her very being, and how she is perceived by others.

Being in coaching is like being in that loft with the artist making the sketches.

Dave Ulrich | Defining the Leadership Code

2013-02-12T07:09:00.001-03:00

Here's HR and leadership guru David Ulrich explaining a very simple and clever model for leadership (yes, he is promoting a book) but still, the model stands alone and provides value here:

Listen!

2013-02-04T13:28:00.000-03:00

I attended a workshop last week with the wonderful (in person as she is in her writing and her work) Nancy Kline.

I first heard about her when I was doing Coaching Skills 1 course at SACAP, years back. She was talking (on tape) to us newbies about the importance of listening. REALLY listening. While anyone in any helping profession is well aware (or so one hopes) of the importance of listening, what she had to say was different from the start. It grabbed me.

She said, "Everything we do depends for its quality on the thinking we do first" (and then she writes about it a lot more in her excellent book, Time To Think (first published in 1999, by Cassell Illustrated, UK)). BUT, here's why the listening is so crucial - "Our thinking depends on the quality of our attention for each other."

And when she explained the first of ten components of what has become known as The Thinking Environment, it was obvious that something fresh and new - as well as obvious and old and known - both in almost equal measures - has emerged (for me, at least!)

When we listen well, with full intention and interest, we ignite the thinking of the thinker. But how often do we do that? Without interruption? Without rushing to complete the other's phrase?

At the workshop, Nancy spoke about a new concept - of "The Two Worlds of Thinking" she has been thinking about, which resonated with many of us. The "World of Exchange" is "heavily polluted, popular, rewarded and standard". It is the way most of our communication and thinking work - I say something, you react by saying something else, I may disagree, contradict, interrupt, ignore - exchange happens at a high pace. It is the world of input, information, feelings and ideas are exchanged.

The World of "Fully Independent Thinking is currently tiny, sparsely populated, punished and unusual in the world. It is the world of new and fresh thinking, unknown and unknowable". It is what happens when a Thinking Partnership (Kline-developed) process takes place.

Both worlds are essential and needed. But the world of Fully Independent Thinking needs to grow if we want more creativity, more equality, more diversity, and more openness.

Linking this to coaching, Nancy writes in her notes to us – “coaching takes place primarily in the world of exchange thinking and moves along that spectrum of independence". But ideally, she suggests, every session should strive to start in the Fully Independent Thinking mode and only move into exchange if necessary.

What might help us achieve this, is what Kline termed "The tiny Huge Question" which is:

When you (as coach, but can be adopted by managers who strive to be coach-managers; parents and teachers focused on developing others) are on the verge of asking the next question, when someone in front of you is thinking/talking - hold back and ask yourself this - "How do I know for sure that what I'm about to say will add more value than what my client is about to say? Or think?"

And I thought, ‘wow, that captures her message so well’. In a nutshell - each person can do their own thinking much better when they are really listened to. Free, deep, totally independent thinking.

It is precious, and it is rare.

It was and is a good reminder of how simple and how hard it is to just...well, listen.

Relocation - Some lessons I have learned

2012-11-25T12:44:00.000-03:00

I have been really quiet for a few months. I had a good reason: in September we left Buenos Aires after 3 years of a diplomatic posting there and moved back to Cape Town.  In between, we renovated our Newlands home, packed and unpacked, swapped the singsong Argentine Spanish for the welcome comfort of English again, had many emotional and tearful farewells and heartwarming welcome parties, imported an Argentine spotty dachshund, the blue-eyed Julio and brought back our tan beloved old sausage, Gina (both very excited to have a garden at their disposal again) and, most importantly, reunited with our children. In short: an upheaval. 

Before leaving Argentina I completed my baby-project - which I initiated and orchestrated for the University Women Club, and with great help and camaraderie from my lovely women-friends there - updating, rewriting parts and editing a relocation guide to Buenos Aires entitled, surprisingly, Hola Buenos Aires! - in a eBook format (available now on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other e-reader sites). In many ways, engaging with this project saved me from many of the symptoms I had experienced known as Relocation Stress Syndrome (RSS) or - culture shock, a more common term. 

Relocation Stress Syndrome (RSS) is defined as the physiological and psychosocial disturbances that result from transfer from one environment to another. In fact, the strain of relocation is so severe that experts evaluate it as being similar to the stress associated with divorce or a death in the family. Symptoms of RSS can last for several months, but may continue for a year or longer, especially if losses are considerable, i.e., loss of family, friends, lifestyle and habitual routines, cultural values and pursuits, and - a major one, I have learned - language facility.

We had moved from a house to an apartment (luxurious and very well situated, but impersonal), we left behind two children and I had to put another continent and many more hours of flights between myself and my family in Israel. My command of Spanish included a few basic words. And I had to leave my beloved work behind, too.

My time away, and coping with these stresses taught me some very important lessons which I try to bring into my understanding of others.

What I had noticed that used to affect me the worst was my inner negative talk, which was like a constant chatter in my head whispering, "I don't want to be here". "This is not home". "This is too different". "I miss home". "I want to be there, not here".

It was draining. I kept trying everything I knew to drown the voice, explain why it was necessary to be there; talk logic and sense to it. Nothing really helped.

Eventually, I had to do something else. I re-read the chapter on Culture Shock in the relocation guide as I was editing it, and it offered some solutions, which were, simply:

1.     Make an effort to meet people: ("Try to participate in activities in the many institutions around you: school, job, international societies, universities and schools which provide language, art and history courses, sports clubs and volunteer agencies.) It may feel forced to some - it sure did to me - but over time it will prove the best remedy against the inevitable bouts of homesickness, alienation and dislocation. 2.     Make sure you are investing a lot of effort in keeping your intimate relationships as close as possible.
When it is not just you going through the same experience, it is easier to share the burden. Sometimes, you are alone – in which cases it is critical to keep in touch with loved ones back home on a regular basis.   3.     Make an emergency plan upfront – have the numbers of hospital, police, fire department, doctors, taxi, etc, and keep it in a place you can easily reach at home and when out. It will free up some of the anxiety related to the new unfamiliar place.
4.     It is amazing how quickly we can lose a sense of worthiness and competence. We all “need continued affirmation that what we think and do is important and worthwhile. Try to find a club or group where your talents and abilities can be used and strengthened.

“A sense of meaning and direction in life, in spite of the transience of the present situation, is necessary to our feelings of self-worth. We need to maintain a sense of continuity. Try to set immediate and long-term goals and plan what you hope to accomplish during the foreign stay.”

I followed these principles – joined a club, took up some challenges (completed my PCC with the ICF; engaged in the relocation guide, etc.), forced myself to go out and hunt for local friends, ensured I was engaging with my family, children and friends through electronic means (thanks heavens for Facebook, Skype, BBM and other such helpful methods to connect). I started painting in a studio with a teacher.

When I did – I could pull myself out of the miserable loop of fighting with the reality I found myself in.

But you don’t need to be moving countries to experience this sense of “but this isn’t what I wanted!”

This type of thought is stressful, and so prevalent that we often don’t even notice it is there. Yet, it drains energy and affects our mood and – when bad - our performance.

The same principles apply:

· Have a support group around you. Invest in both family and friends.

· Make sure you do something that makes you feel worthy and competent. Doesn’t matter what.

· Ensure you are covered for emergency and that your admin is under control (simple things like diary, to do list and phone lists).

· Keep as healthy and fit as you can. You don’t need to go to gym trice a week if you hate it. Find something else. But make sure you do something for your body.

Hating Networking

2012-07-14T10:03:00.000-03:00

I have long noticed: Talented and even gifted, accomplished people, sometimes hate networking or doing anything that even remotely smells of “selling” themselves. In fact, they avoid it, to their own detriment, and they usually are either jealous of those who seem to do this naturally, or are scathing about them.

Most of my clients simply hate networking.

They claim it is an effort, mainly because of the (not so) hidden-agenda here: “I will be nice to you and we will chitchat, but actually I am trying to sell you something here, or get you to do something for me”. (So, it is, in fact, about selling my services, my product or myself).

But is this what networking really is? No.

We all need other people in our lives. What comes naturally – for example, asking people to recommend good plumbers - somehow becomes uncomfortable if the need is around something that we see as pursuing a personal goal. Some of us simply don’t like to be seen as needy, greedy, or too ambitious.

Many of us grew up learning that pursuing something personal is uncouth. This is especially true about women, but also about men in some cultures. Self-effacing and humble is more appreciated than self-serving and forceful.

So the assumption that is limiting us from actually using networking to promote our position (job promotion, getting more clients, selling more services) is – “Selling myself (my things) means I am being selfish/pushy/greedy”.

Try rephrasing this to: “Selling myself is part of my commitment to achieving my full potential/improving at what I do.”

Or put in your new assumption – if you were to discard the limiting one above (or your own version of it) – what would be truer? Which new assumption could replace it?

How to do it?

There are, basically, 2 steps: The first is – mapping.

Sit down and list everyone you know, and whom they might be connected to/know/help with. People are always surprised when they do this exercise. Most of us don’t realise what treasures we actually have in our family, close friends, school friends and neighbours.

Then – what do you actually do when you meet? (In a party, street, shop, across a counter…) – what do you talk about?

A networking guru once told me that, in fact, the whole thing is – to get to know people by getting really curious. Choose the most fascinating areas (for you) out of the list below, and just chat. Listen well, with intention. Focus your eyes on the person when he or she is talking. You will be amazed at how easily you will connect with most people. And soon you will be moving to chat about other things, maybe your services/products/skills. But do not rush it. The task is: get to know the person. Let them know you.

Which movie did you see last/would recommend? Or – TV show they follow/like
Where did you take your last holiday/what was it like/where is your next holiday to be?
Which book impressed you in the last few weeks/months? (A magazine article also works).
What’s the best restaurant in town/you’ve been to lately/in X?

You can add here sports or art of any other category (but only if you know that both you and the person you’re chatting to really care about it).

In this conversation you will learn a little more about what this person can do for you and also – what you could be doing for them. It is always a mutual process.

Networking = Getting to know more people.

Social media nowadays opens up many more options for us all to communicate, share, and learn about people. But it cannot replace, for most of us, the need to be in live, evolving relationships and rely on people in our workplace and in our community.

The Perills of Decision-Making - Or Decision Fatigue

2012-01-21T10:58:00.000-03:00

I recently came across an article by John Tirney in the New York Times and a follow-up blog he added to it, which got my attention at once, as it was talking about something I have experienced again and again in my life. When I need to make a purchase, I often start by researching the market, looking at reviews and at prices (if it is a major purchase such as a new electronic item, say, a laptop) or browsing in shops for a long time, chatting to friends and seeking opinions (if it a minor one, such as shoes for a special event). But the thing is, for all my careful research, inordinate amount of time spent, ticking all the boxes constituting "A Responsible Adult" in my inner book - I often end up making a choice which, examined later in the harsh daylight is stupid. It is NOT based on the carefully accumulated data. It is NOT the most brilliant choice ever made, often far from being the cheapest, even.

What happened?

I used to think it was me. Something was wrong with my resolve. I didn't follow through properly. I got tired and distracted. I fell prey to a good salesman or just to feeling like an indecisive nag of a client. Maybe these two are the same thing. Tirney relieved me from that silly assumption. Nothing wrong with ME. It is just the way our brains are made. And here's a shocking thing researchers found out when looking at decision-making: Judges will be more lenient when they are fresh (first thing in the morning and after they had a lunch break). But when the case is late in the morning or in the afternoon, they tend to opt for the quickest decision, which is postponement(see research findings)

Tirney, who is the science columnist for the NYT, wrote a whole book about this with Dr. Roy Baumeister, a Psychology professor who coined the term Ego Depletion which is directly connected to this "Decision Fatigue". (“Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength”). Simply put, making decisions (and especially so when much is at stake, say, a decision re someone's future , or spending a lot of money) is a series of steps, which are tiring. They require a lot of brain energy. As time goes by, depletion of energy takes place and the path of least resistance will be chosen. This, incidentally, is exactly why sweets are displayed at the till - the customer is by that stage of shopping tired, and most prone to not put up resistance. We all know what happens when we are on a diet: We are very good for a long time. It requires a lot of willpower. But then it gets tiring. We have a rough day, or a challenging conversation - and the resistance is gone.

Another very interesting find, which can help us understand the phenomena and fight it, is - Replenishing the sugar level will correct the brain's fatigue. According to the latest neuroscience finds, the brain needs three things to function optimally (as presented by neuroscientists Jessica Payne and Stephen Thomas at the 2011 NeuroLeadership Summit ) - moderate stress, good sleep and positive affect (positive mood). So what is to be done?

When you need to make a decision that you value as important to you (be it as small as buying a new suit or as big as firing someone) - try and make sure you are not tired or hungry. You can also create habits around this: apparently successful managers avoid big acquisition and mergers decision after 4 pm. Pilots have a ready-made checklist which reduces the need to make a series of many small decisions, thus reducing the chance of making a mistake.

Simon Sinek: How great leaders inspire action | Video on TED.com

2011-09-08T15:15:00.000-03:00

Simon Sinek: How great leaders inspire action | Video on TED.com

Executives get cut off from real feedback - Read this article by Harvard Business School's Robert Kaplan

2011-09-07T13:11:00.000-03:00

http://www.mckinseyquarterly.com/Top_executives_need_feedback--heres_how_they_can_get_it_2852

2011-08-15T09:18:00.002-03:00

Thoughts on a recommended book: "Wilful Blindness" by Margaret Heffernan

2011-08-13T11:14:00.000-03:00

“To be a critical thinker starts with resisting the urge to be a pleaser” says Margaret Heffernan in her book Wilful Blindness (http://www.mheffernan.com/book-wb-summary.shtml). And without critical thinking, i.e. asking the hard questions, unveiling inconvenient truths vigorously and with courage – organisations face ending up with as what Sydney Finkelstein calls: “Zombie companies”.

The whole financial US system meltdown which shook the world in 2008 suffered from too little critical thinking; too little asking hard questions. There was more money to be made. There were strong, entrenched habits. Tunnel vision and groupthink took over. In Heffernan’s terminology: the system became blind.

It is a well-known truism, that effective leaders are not afraid to hear the truth, even when it is incongruent with the strategy, or even when it is critical of their own decisions. Healthy organisations have a measure of critical thinking, with healthy inquiry methods in place, proper checks and balances, and an attitude of openness to hearing different, diverse views. Over time, they can withstand changes, and they are prone to make fewer mistakes.

This is what Heffernan covers in her book, picking examples from big businesses which faced accidents which should never have happened in companies too big to have knowledge of details which affect what truly matters (guarding human lives, in this case); through to the obvious corruption culprits (such as Enron); and companies blinded by too much success in a system that kept doing what it always did, no matter what (Bear Stearns, for example). But she also looks into the psychology of why is it that we do not see what we should see. Why are we so often blind to what we should know?

In her own words:

"We can't notice and know everything; the cognitive limits of our brain simply won't let us. That means we have to filter or edit what we take in. So what do we let through? What do we leave out? And why?"

In the book, she analyses the bystanders, and then the “Cassandras”, the whistleblowers. She tries to see what binds these people who simply had to talk of what they knew was wrong, risking everything in the process. Is it a personality trait that these people, who are few and far between, the exception that proves the rule, which makes them do what most of us don’t?

Rich with examples from history, psychology, science, government and family, not just from business, Heffernan warns that the antidote is: ask the hard questions. Force yourself to face truths. And since you won’t do that unless forced, nominate someone for that job.

If you are in a business, or the leader of organisation, the winning formula is: having someone paid to be the devil’s advocate, someone who has got nothing to gain from the business, who has your best interest at heart (a coach, for example). Secondly, ensure independent audit is executed, changing auditors frequently; and thirdly, build a culture that encourages dissent and argument. Avoid silent, harmonious organisations. They provide the fertile ground where blindness, by-standing and conformity fester.

As a coach, the book provided me with thought-provoking examples and stories, as well as a great reminder of what it is that we do, as coaches, working within organisations, and with leaders: helping them not to become blind.

Marshall Goldsmith Library

2011-07-12T10:01:00.000-03:00

A great and free resource for anyone interested in leadership, management and personal development issues:
Marshall Goldsmith Library

Top ten myths about introverts - By Jerry Brito

2011-06-14T17:33:00.000-03:00

Top ten myths about introverts - Jerry Brito - I found this little gem in another blog and liked it enough to wish to share it on mine.

Three Principles for Successful Leadership[i]

2011-05-02T04:21:00.001-03:00

GET POSITIVE (YOU ARE NOWHERE NEAR SATURATION AND NO, THEY WON’T WANT MORE MONEY): 5 positive feedback to 1 negative (constructive) comment. The ratio: 5:1.
GET CURIOUS AS MUCH AS YOU GET GOOD AT ADVOCATING YOUR CAUSE: Ensure that for every act of explaining or defending you engage in an inquiry: ask questions and gather data. The ratio - 1:1
GET A PERSPECTIVE WHILE YOU ENSURE YOU KNOW YOUR STUFF: Discuss others (market, the stores, staff issues, recession...) as much as you discuss what you are doing. The ratio: 1:1^{^[ii]}

Which skills do you need to hone?

Effective Communication:

The ability to give a clear message to different audiences and ensure it has been received as you have intended it. It also includes becoming proficient at seeking what’s good and works well and highlighting it. Practice being concise and precise.

The ability to listen well: ensure you received a message as the communicator meant it, without interpreting it (in other words: avoid selective hearing).

Curiosity and Advocacy:

If you feel bored and unmotivated, upset or angry, try replacing it by getting curious: what is going on? What made the person do that thing that seems so silly to you? Don’t guess: ask.

At the same time, become good at explaining what you need, want and are worried about (which is another name for advocacy).

Remember: people cannot guess what you need and want. They may, but they often do not know enough about what it is to be in your shoes. Ensure they understand by being clear on what it is that you need to be effective, what you require from them, specifically, and how it fits in with your core purpose, personal style and available resources.

Perspective Taking Capacity:

The ability to have a bird eye view perspective on life in general and on your core purpose in the business specifically can be seen as a developmental stage[iii]. Personal development is an ongoing process, requiring reflection: what are the rules you abide by - are they your own? Do they fit your value system? Are you constantly reviewing the facts you learned about life and adjusting your beliefs, or do you insist on adhering to a few truisms, rules and patterns that may not be in line with the changes around you?

Learn to look for your blind spots and challenge yourself. Which beliefs are still yours and which are just what you took on from your parents, church, society, bosses? Who are you when stripped of all your professional roles and titles?

Especially look out for feedback from those who know you which suggest you are not flexible, set in your ways, or not open to new ideas. Also seek for clues as to how well you are coping with conflict. Particularly between entities that are important to you. Does it make you feel torn or very uncomfortable? Or can you see it as part of life, inquire what is going on, focus on solutions and always look to maintain everyone’s self worth intact and the relationship unharmed? Are you resilient? Can you live with ambiguity for a while without feeling anxious or unmotivated?

In summation:

The more you invest in growing, adapting to change, taking a step back to ensure you are acquiring the bird eye view – the better leader you become. Ensure you leave time for those activities.

How to do that? Get regular feedback (360 Degrees preferably), have meaningful performance appraisals, have regular feedback sessions with your colleagues, clients, suppliers, and subordinates; engage periodically in executive coaching; attend workshops and lectures, and read, read, read.

Or, in short: Adopt a curious life-long learning stance.

[i] Any executive job includes 3 broad areas says Mary Beth O’Neill, leading executive coach and author of “Executive Coaching with Backbone and Heart”):

Communicating the territory – Vision, purpose, goals of the organisation to key constituencies and outlining opportunities and challenges.
Building relationships and facilitating interactions that result in outstanding team performance.
Producing results and outcomes, more from the direct effort of others than from his own efforts.

In this posting I focus mainly on what it takes to succeed in the second area, although it touches slightly on both the first and second areas, too.

[ii] Losada and Heaphy in 2004 studied 60 business teams, checking their communication habits or patterns in 3 categories:

- How much positivity there was as opposed to negativity.

- Others/self (Being focused on what others need/say/do as opposed to focusing on own thinking and actions).

- Inquiry/advocacy (How much of the conversation is focused on finding out what is going on and collecting/sharing relevant data as opposed to advocating and explaining their own).

Level of Team Performance	Ratio Others/	Ratio Inquiry/	Ratio Positivity/
	Self	Advocacy	Negativity
Low	1:30	1:20	1:3
Medium	2:3	2:3	2:1
High	1:1	1:1	5:1

[iii] Robert Kegan’s “Order of Mind” work on human development refers. These are the developmental stages, or Orders (they do not always follow a linear line: we spend time in all first three, not all of us make it to four, few of us reach five and even then we all slip back to lower stages at times).

The First Order (UNREFLECTIVE) – early childhood - no ability to understand “durable objects”; no retention of rules, a time of magic and mystery and arbitrariness- with a need to constantly learn about the world.

Second Order (NEEDS DRIVEN) - older children—seven to ten—and adolescents, but also some adults: They are self-centred, i.e. see others as helpers or barriers on the road to their desires.) They develop some OWN beliefs and feelings. They realise that other people have those too and that there are rules, but they will try to figure out how to get past the rule if it is in their way and how to get their own needs fulfilled first. Empathy isn’t possible for them yet. When rules are not broken, it’s because of a fear of being caught; or a fear of retaliation.

Third Order (OTHERS AUTHORED) “Socialised” or “Traditional” Mind (older adolescents and the majority of adults): They no longer see others as simply a means to an ends; they are able to subordinate their desires to the desires of others. They internalise the feelings and emotions of others and are guided by those people or institutions (like a church, a corporate, or a political party) that are most important to them. They are able to think abstractly, be self-reflective about their actions and the actions of others, and are devoted to something things that are greater than their own needs. But the major limitation - when there is a conflict between important others they feel “torn in two” and cannot find a way to make a decision. There is no sense of what I want outside of others’ expectations or societal roles. (Typical to teenagers, but, it forms a personality flaw in adults)

Kegan (1982) noted, “When I live in this balance as an adult I am the prime candidate for the assertiveness trainer, who may tell me that I need to learn how to stand up for myself, be more ‘selfish,’ less pliable, and so on, as if these were mere skills to be added on to whoever else I am. The popular literature will talk about me as lacking self-esteem, or as a pushover because I want other people to like me” (p. 96). Kegan goes on to point out that, the very notion of “self-esteem” is inappropriate at this Order because self-esteem implies an internal source for feeling good about oneself. Those at the Third Order don’t have an independently-constructed self to feel good about; their esteem is entirely reliant on others because they are, in many ways, made up of those around them. As long as they have someone whom he respects to help him make difficult decisions, he can do nearly anything in this village.

Fourth Order— (SELF AUTHORED) or “Modern” Mind (some adults): Adults here achieved all that those at the Third Order have, but have created a self that exists even outside of its relationship to others. The opinions and desires of others which they internalised and which had great control over them when they were making meaning at the Third Order are now Object to them (simply put: distinctly outside of them). They are now able to examine those various rule-systems and opinions and are able to mediate between them. They have an internal set of rules and regulations—a self-governing system—which they use to make their decisions or mediate conflicts. They feel empathy for others, and take the wishes and opinions of others into consideration when making decisions. They don’t feel torn apart by the conflicts of those around them because they have their own system with which to make decisions. These are the people who “own” their work, who are self-guided, self-motivated, and self-evaluative. They can easily be the leaders. The Fourth Order leader may not be an excellent diplomat, however, because when other people don’t understand or see the need to follow his or her rules, he may be so invested in his or her own way of doing things that he/she cannot easily see connections between his /her ideas of what is Right and more foreign ideas of what is Right.

Fifth Order—(SELF-TRANSFORMING) or “Postmodern” Mind (very few adults): Adults who achieved all that those at the Fourth Order have, but they have learned the limits of their own inner system—and the limits of having an inner system in general. Instead of viewing others as people with separate and different inner systems, those at the Fifth Order see across inner systems to look at the similarities that are hidden inside what used to look like differences. Adults at the Fifth Order are less likely to see the world in terms of dichotomies or polarities. They are more likely to believe that what we often think of as black and white are just various shades of gray whose differences are made more visible by the lighter or darker colours around them. At this level, people have an ability to see processes and systems. It is widely believed that this category includes really great leaders such as the Dalai Lama, Ghandi and Mandela.

The photo of the Bird's eye view is from FreeFoto.com

The 7-steps model of solution-focused change

2011-03-17T11:36:00.000-03:00

The 2010 Best Companies For Leadership

2011-01-25T08:59:00.001-03:00

Every year the Hay Group, focusing on Emotional Intelligence and how it affects leadership and business, publishes this interesting rating exercise. Last year's conclusions?

"These days, it can sometimes appear that nobody is leading at the Best Companies for Leadership – but only because these companies expect everyone to lead. They are at the forefront of a significant shift in organizational philosophy and operating model. Instead of resembling a machine, where strategy and direction

flow down a hierarchical org chart that defines authority in clear and separate vertical channels, the best companies act more like a global neural network – a flattened matrix where information moves in all directions through the organization and around the world, and horizontal ad-hoc arrangements are as important in achieving essential business goals as formal vertical structures. And these companies are adapting their leadership practices accordingly."
Read in full:
http://www.haygroup.com/BestCompaniesForLeadership/downloads/Taking_a_new_direction_2010_BCL_Summary.pdf

How to have Diffcult Converations?

2010-12-06T12:27:00.002-03:00

We are all awash with great advice. As a coach, I get loads of newsletters loaded with wonderful wisdom and beneficial information. I can hardly catch up with it all.

But once in awhile I do stop. Something grabs my attention.

Here is one of those. It is about a topic that comes up in sessions (and in my own life) again and again: Difficult conversations.

We sometimes need to have them. We know it needs to take place yet we find it hard to initiate it - and actually go through with it. Some of us avoid it at all costs (festering unhealthy feelings leading to, perhaps, an explosion one day, or sickness, or growing bitterness which leads to burnout, or a growing sense of self disrespect). Some people are very good at it. What makes then master it?

Dealing with conflict is one of the most frequently discussed topics in coaching sessions amongst my clients and my colleagues' clients.

The more important the matter at hand - or the importance we attach to the person(s) involved - the harder it gets.

Because, the level of importance perceived by you dictates the level of your emotional involvement - and the more emotions are involved, the harder it is to handle the situation.

The scary word "conflict" can be - like disarming a bomb - unpacked so it can become harmless. However, it requires a willingness to take some time to prepare.

The actual steps of dealing with a difficult conversation sound simple. You can find online hundreds of good practices and solid advice (like for example, this one from The Emotional Intelligence Training Company, in Canada):

STEP 1: Know what you want (self-awareness)

» Why are you having this conversation?

» What is your ideal outcome?

» What outcome are you willing to accept — what is your bottom line?

STEP 2: Take a leadership position (make things better)

» Do you need to address this issue now or can it wait?

» Are you taking the time you need to prepare?

» What is the positive/constructive outcome you seek?

STEP 3: Watch for safety (empathy)

» How are others feeling/likely to feel?

» Are you prepared for silence or violence?

» Are you ready to step out of the conversation, make it safe, and step back in?

STEP 4: Master your stories (self-awareness/self-monitoring)

» What do you see? What are the facts/evidence?

» What is your story? What meaning are you attaching to the facts?

» How are you feeling? How will you monitor your feelings?

» Are you ready to notice your behaviour and to notice when you are in some

form of silence or violence?

STEP 5: State your path and encourage others to share their

path with you (assertiveness and empathy)

» SHARE your facts (as objectively as possible)

» TELL your story (the meaning you attached with your feelings)

» ASK for others’ paths (how did they see it?)

» TALK tentatively (what is/are possible outcomes – ‘potentially’?)

» ENCOURAGE testing (invite them to challenge your perspective)

But what if what is scary, what is causing the avoidance, is that you know that in this particular situation, or with this specific person involved, it is going to be hard to maintain your self awareness and to control your emotions?

But I am interested in the avoidance, because it provides us with useful information which can help us move forward. In our resistance lie our fears, the unsaid, maybe unknown, which need to be carefully looked at.

So before you go into a difficult conversation, the first thing to ask yourself is:

What am I afraid of? What can be the worst case scenario?

(For example: Mary is your boss. You are scared that she will put a stop to any progress you can hope for in the company, because she clearly dislikes you, and what you have to say will worsen it).

When you have answered this, start analysing each of your statements:

Is this true? Or is this an assumption I am making?

If your response is that it is true, list your evidence that indeed it is. If you cannot find evidence, mark it as untrue.

(For example: I cannot prove she dislikes me, it might be my own insecurity, in fact, I cannot think of a single thing she has said or written to support this assumption. She is very correct and businesslike with everyone.)

And then you can ask: If this is untrue, what is actually truer? What can I put down as my true assumption here?

(Maybe: the truth is that she is professional (not a warm and responsive person) . And I have the right to voice my concerns. I am a hard worker with integrity. )

If you find your assumption to be true (you do have evidence, for example, that Mary does not like you) then ask yourself: what am I assuming that is stopping me from initiating the difficult conversation? What would you have to assume instead to enable you to move forward*?

(For example: I am assuming that if she does not like me, she will not listen to what I have to say.I will have to assume instead that it is possible that she dislikes me and yet I have to do what is right. And hope she will be fair, and appreciate my integrity when she hears what I have to say. I also have to assume she is not all-powerful and that there is a recourse if it goes very badly. )

*this is a great question formulated by the creator of The Thinking Environment - Nancy Kline. See www.timetothink.com

Some Insights from Neuroscience experts

2010-11-26T11:57:00.002-03:00

This is a summary of the lecture by David Rock, given to Google managers in Nov 2009 on how the brain works- (see link above ) with my own highlights for a short practical guide.

This lecture - as well as many insights based on looking at how our brains work - resonate so well with me - having worked within organisations, seeing again and again how people get carried away with their own unvoiced feelings of hurt (usually about status or certainty) acting accordingly, creating a chain-reaction that does not help solve problems, achieve more or better, and certainly doesn't promote healthy relationships.

1. Rationalism is overrated: every time you take a rational decision you use that very limited resource of the brain. Physically your blood glucose level goes down and you are much less ready for the next rational task.

Why?

· Addressing things differently is always hard because it requires new thinking, requiring our poor little prefrontal cortex (PFC or – working memory), a small (tiny in comparison the our whole brain), energy guzzling, part of our brain to work hard. In other words: there is a good physiological, built-in, resistance to change.

· This part of the brain has limited capacity to retain much information.

· Our frontal cortex (which- aside from us – exists in a smaller version only in some apes) is the only part of the brain that has a breaking (stopping) capacity. It is there to regulate emotions and stop us from just doing whatever comes to mind at any given moment.

There are 3 levels of thinking:

a. Almost automatic, requiring very minimal brain effort (like: deleting unnecessary emails)

b. Slightly more involved (such as for scheduling meetings)

c. Maximum capacity (necessary for planning, strategising, writing a pitch, etc. which requires a lot of glucose, a lot of brain effort).

If you do a. and b. type tasks first - you have very little energy left for type c., which is the most important one, in fact. So the "rational" (get rid of the easy stuff first) is neither effective nor helpful.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY IF YOU KNEW YOU ONLY HAD A VERY LIMITED RESOURCE AND TIME FOR REALLY HEAVY, IMPORTANT THINKING?

· Consider this: Using our PFC for problem-solving is not helpful. In fact, it is shown that it often is what stops us from reaching solutions.

· 60% of people cannot explain how they reached a solution. You didn't have the solution when you really wanted to - it wasn't there and then, "out of the blue" it is here. In the shower, or while driving, it just arrives.

· This is because - when you are trying to solve something you turn to the PFC which is also the inhibitor.

· Insights occur when you stop all conscious mental activity.

· When faced with a problem/challenge, we usually try hard to think hard. (For example, given a sentence like "Time Flies Like An Arrow" and asked to change it in a way that has a totally different meaning. Possible other meaning for these 5 words could be: as Time Flies (i.e. a type of fly) like arrows or, you should time flies the way you time arrows.

· In order to solve problems (to see the alternative meanings, in this example) you need to DAMPEN your thinking, to switch off what you know.

· Mark Beeman's research on insight shows that the brain goes into idle (like car in neutral) for a few seconds or minutes, and that is exactly when the insight arrives. Your ability to understand new things, or think in new ways REQUIRES an ability to quieten down your thinking. Lower it like you would lower volume in a loud party, so you can then notice (have access) to a lot of information that is available to you unconsciously. In that vast brain of yours.

· When you are anxious (or trying really hard to solve a problem - focusing on IT) you do not notice WEAK ASSOCIATIONS. And Weak associations are exactly what you need to notice in order to come up with an insight (with a new understanding or a fresh solution).

2. We've Got Emotions Backward

· In the general society," the masses", we have our ability to manage emotions backwards.

· Emotions are based in our limbic system, which is characterised by being:

o Extremely skittish

o Constantly on the lookout for possible threats

o It makes thousands of decisions of AWAY (i.e., "this is BAD for me") and TOWARD (" this is GOOD for me") almost constantly.

o THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO KNOW ABOUT THE BRAIN (BASED ON METASTUDIES) IS - ALL WE DO IS BASED ON MINIMISE DANGER AND MAXIMISE REWARD. THIS IS THE MAIN ORGANISING PRINCIPLE OF HOW THE BRAIN WORKS.

o Our natural tendency (because we evolved in times of ample physical danger) is to tend to the BAD, to the AWAY.

o When a negative stimuli occurs (you see someone who criticised you yesterday) your brain actually reacts by going deep down (feeling bad, as the relevant neurotransmitters in charge of feeling negative emotions kick in) and it lasts quite long. It is very different to what happens when something nice occurs (you see someone you like) which will create a little nice feeling, which will be lovely but short.

o The more your limbic system is aroused (you are with people you don't like/trust) the less energy and capacity is left for thinking.

o But not only the rational brain, the thinking overrated part, gets affected: the threat also creates a buzz, like noise, all over the brain and that's when insights and creativity get shut down or lessened.

o This happens when we are too happy too! When we are very excited about something positive we ALSO can't solve problems effectively.

· It is critical, therefore, to learn to manage emotions. To enable fresh thinking, insight. It needs quietness, lack of negativity, lack of anxiety (or over excitement).

· James Gross, Stanford, Emotional Regulations father found that: when we experience a strong emotional reaction (positive or negative, which again would be stronger and last longer) - we have 3 options:

o Act on that emotion: all kids do that.

o Suppress and try to hide your feelings. Young kids have difficulty doing that. But we learn. When this happens we quickly lose access (we have only 1-2 seconds of that) to our PFC - to our working memory, without which cognitive change cannot happen. Our capacity to think is deteriorating fast, limbic system stays on high alert, you make other people uncomfortable when you suppress. It is the worst thing to do - and yet it is what most people do.

o Cognitive change - requires being in touch with the PFC. It also requires pretty good access between you and your emotions. You need to know what you feel - what are your internal states. There would be no negative impact on others and no change to memory and there would be less arousal in the limbic system.

There are 2 Cognitive Change Strategies; both increase capacity of the PCF:

1. Labeling - defining the internal state in a word or two. No going into the story AT ALL! It automatically puts the breaks on, and therefore affects the cognitive ability less, or not at all. (For example: in a meeting you actually realise that you feel funny, you realise you are angry with someone. You say to yourself: "ah, he really annoyed me just now. OK, but I need to focus now. I can deal with that later) It immediately alleviates the threat response, and you can choose to focus again)

2. Reappraisal - a must strategy for leaders: needed for strong emotional hits and requires a new appraisal of a situation. Also known as re-framing, re-contextualising, etc., it is about changing your entire interpretation of an event. This is a mindset of: when you encounter a bad situation (say, you hit a huge traffic jam, realise you will be very late for work) instead of getting into a mode of what that means, how horrible it is, what a disaster, you use the very few split seconds when you just realise it, and label the emotion, to decide - how do I turn this into something else? Where is the opportunity here? (for example: I can call my Mom, I can think about the meeting more carefully, I can listen to a recorded lecture, or to the news I have not heard in days)

Most people, especially men, tend to prefer to suppress or to look the situation in the eye - I am going to look at this - it is what it is, I will not shy away from it! They avoid re-framing, and connecting with how they actually feel, which is necessary. But this is not a good strategy, as Gross shows us:

He asked people what they do when they get a strong emotion - do they suppress or re-frame. And then he checked them on a few scales: optimism, environmental mastery, positive relationships and life satisfaction. He found that people who suppress are significantly lower on all those scales than those who reappraise.

Social Issues are Pivotal

· Maslow was wrong in claiming that primary needs (hunger, shelter) were stronger than social needs. Brain studies prove the contrary: the brain sees social needs as primary needs!

For example - when someone tells you they didn't like your work you will get a threat response. You will get angry, or upset. BUT: If you take an aspirin, amazingly, you will have less pain (you will be less angry or worried - in other words, less affected) by that remark. In other words, pain of social threat is physical, responding to the same medication we use for "real" pain.

· If you give someone a "well done" computer voice feedback, the dopamine level goes up, they feel really good, better than the same feedback given in the form of money! We respond better to human encouragement than we do to financial/material reward.

· We all grew up with other people and our circuitry is massive in the people-area. We are social creatures.

· What are the brain’s goals? We all need SCARF= Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness and Fairness.

· The brain keeps track of good, bad, warm, cold, hunger etc. But similarly:

o When you feel like your status goes up you feel wonderful, when it goes down you feel terrible.

o When you feel certain it is good. Uncertainty, even just ambiguity activates a bad feeling. Anxiety.

o When you detect you have choices, have autonomy you don't get stressed, which you do when it isn't there. Perceived lack of choice produces anguish.

o Relatedness - are you in my "in group" or "out group", friend or foe? We do not feel empathy for people who we think are in our out group, we listen to them less attentively or not at all, and we judge them pretty harshly. Studies show that our default is to think of people as FOES. The only exceptions are - really attractive people, familiar people and babies AND when we are drunk, because then we tend to feel immediately well about other people and categorise them as friends.

o Fairness - perceived injustice done to you will obviously cause distress, and the opposite (justice done) will provide a good sense.

While it is obvious that in the face of physical violence - people will freak out, we tend to believe less that equally, EACH TIME WE SAY “let me tell you what other people have said about you", people have a very strong threat response. For example - performance review. Or: "You are getting coaching now" - people will think, “why am I getting coaching now"? (Or called to the boss) - this is also a threat to status.

Crucial things any manager (parent, leader) should know:

Many studies show that these threats to SCARF and rewards on these five elements are hugely influential - but it seems that status and certainty are the most important for most people.

If we understand that - we can handle our teams, employees, and children - much more efficiently.

When we fill that we are fully engaged in a task, or in a job, our brain is experiencing flow, it has dopamine, which gives us a sense of reward. As a manager you want your reports to feel engaged to get their best work.

When we feel that we go up in status we also get a wonderful reward. Similarly, we all tend to avoid threats, and keep away from anything that may threaten our status, our certainty, or any of the other 3 components. This means, that it is inherent to any change you try to implement to get a reaction of resistance, a push-back from the people around you. Because when you want to change something you are actually saying, something is wrong. This is - if I want to change you then something is wrong with you and people will push back immediately because they experience threat. Any change also poses a threat to certainty.

When managing people, it is easy to tell them what to do - but this creates tension, a sense in people that they are not trusted, and it produces much worse quality of thinking. A manager telling people all the time is ineffective, he disturbs good work.

· Attention changes the brain.

And this change only takes seconds. As we saw, it will tend to change negatively more than positively.

For your attention to focus on positive and creative thinking, you need to be non-anxious, relaxed. So, to develop the capacity to have positive, creative thinking, you need to learn to quieten your brain. To get to know it, to realise quickly what are you feeling ("oh, I am status-threatened because he just said something critical; OK, I am going to focus on something else right now". Or: "OK, I lack certainty and this is my brain perceiving threat but I am going to try focus on something else"). Doing this more and more, even a few minutes a week is going to make a difference. This is a learned skill.

References:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeJSXfXep4M&NR=1 -

also see: www.neuroleadership.org

Authenticity – living by your own blueprint

2010-10-27T15:09:00.000-03:00

Being true to yourself may sound like a piece of self-explanatory, stating-the-obvious kind of advice (the sort one takes for granted). But how real is this for you?

To be true to yourself means that first you need to have a clear idea of what it is that you want from your life: your dreams, your values, and your priorities. Philosophers grappled with the concept for centuries, long before the birth of modern psychology. In fact, it was Socrates who said, "The unexamined life is not worth living".

Your choices, based on your individual priorities, depend on your values. Values guide you to make the right choices for yourself. Your own set of values – which, in the broad sense, means your preferences, the elements that you must honour and include in your choices at all times. Your set of values can be likened to a personal blueprint. Almost like fingerprints, this personal blueprint is distinctly different for every person.

This very difference can sometimes be the source of trouble: often, when you ask for advice (or get it, unsolicited) you get it from someone else’s perspective, based on their blueprint, not on yours. That means that you still need to sift through that advice – to check it against your own set of values, wants, and needs – and only then make the right choice. It makes decision-making hard work, particularly when big decisions are involved. But being lazy, opting for the easy way out by taking someone else’s advice (and that includes magazine guidance, so-called “expert advice”, and frequently your own family’s recommendations) has a very big price-tag. While you may get lucky and score a good one, you may equally find, too late, that the choice you have made was based on someone else’s set of values, needs and wants, and that it does not fit your own requirements.

What does it mean to live authentically? “Living authentically” is what you’re doing when you find congruence between your inner world – your feelings, values, gifts, needs, spirituality, and passions – and your outer world: your job, relationships, home and community”, writes Susan Piver, in her 2004 book “The Hard Questions for An Authentic Life”.

And hard it is. We are constantly pressurised to conform, adapt, compromise, and take on other people’s causes. Dr. Susan Campbell, psychotherapist and author of “Getting Real”, says it like it is: “We are all hypocrites” she claims, and explains: “We live in a world that challenges our sense of integrity at every turn. We say we value a clean environment, but we drive cars and ride aeroplanes...we say we value democracy, but we secretly want our own way. We say we honour honesty, but we frequently withhold our feelings to avoid conflict. We all preach one thing and practice another.” She goes on to share some of her years of experience in therapy and group work, of how often we all tend to use “should”. We should be better; we should be doing more, etc. But, she says, “should are pretences” they all relate to some imaginary yardstick that we measure ourselves against. And we will always be lacking. The only relevant yardstick, therefore, is one’s own. If you have identified, after some reflection, that being truthful and honest is critical for you, and that you cannot compromise on it, then behaving accordingly in a variety of situations will lead to you feeling good about yourself, fulfilled and satisfied. However, if you find out that what you truly cannot live without is being in a supportive, loving environment, of non-cynical people, honest and warm, and you currently work in a cut-throat industry and in a very competitive urban firm, then perhaps it is time to move on.

HOW DO I FIND OUT WHAT IS MY BLUEPRINT?

Finding out what you are about, is the best exercise you can do.

My preferred exercise is a combination of “The End in Mind” (habit 2) of Stephen Covey and Co-Active Coaching model exercises. Here it is:

Think about the end of your life, when you are very old, and about to depart from this world. Who do you imagine there around you, who have been (or would be at the stage) part of your life, that is now about to end? Who is present there (spouse? Children? Grandchildren? Friends? Neighbours? Famous people? Ordinary people? How many?); Where is it taking place? How does your house look like? Where is it? What do these people think about you, which reflects back on your life? What have you achieved in your life? In what fields or areas? Be as detailed in your reply as possible, and jot it all down. Make sure you do this when you have plenty of time - and privacy.

Add to this vision of the end of your life as you go along. Read it carefully. This is the first step in creating some form of map of your life. This is where it should all lead. One client of mine, for example, envisioned herself in a beach house, white washed and full of light, next to a very blue ocean. There were many people floating about, coming in with pots of food and home-baked cakes. There was soft music. There were dozens of young children, and they were all her grandchildren and great grandchildren. She had three daughters and their husbands there. They said about her that she was kind, giving, warm and always prepared to listen. She had been a devoted mother. She published a few novels, which were well received, although they never made her wealthy. Her husband was there, too, he was an architect, and he designed this home, their retirement home, to her specifications. She has had that dream house on her mind since she was in her late twenties. Her husband was kind, gentle, funny and attentive. In his old age, he looked short, podgy and bald, a little bit like her own father looked when he was in his sixties.

This client was a 29 year-old woman, who just graduated with an LLB, and was beginning her attorney’s articles. She travelled the world and loved South East Asia. She had just broken up with her latest “disastrous affair” (her words) with another man in a series of “typical bad choices” she had made over the last decade. He was handsome, tall, successful and very self-involved. She admired all the traits that made the relationship fail. She kept feeling she was never good enough for them, and somehow, all of her partners left her behind, taking her for granted. She never felt cared for. She was busy giving herself, emptying her emotional arsenal out. She came to me not believing she was capable of making a good choice when it came to men. Yet, she knew she wanted a career and a family.

Through this exercise and over many conversations, she learned that she was looking for the wrong traits in men. That she needed to give the less good looking and less superficially successful, another try. Two years later, she married a warm, loving, funny engineer. He looked, she told me, very much like her father, yet, it stopped bothering her after he proved to be looking at her admiringly, listening to her with full intent, and trying to make her laugh and enjoy life. She also quit the legal profession, and enrolled in a creative writing course, supporting herself by being an au pair. Her parents thought (loudly) that she was mad, “throwing it all away”. She was able to explain calmly what led her to make these choices. Eventually, they could see her viewpoint although the murmuring keeps going on. She smiles at it, forgivingly.

She has made that shift, from living according to someone else’s yardstick, or set of values, to finding her own. She lives authentically. In her words: “I am done doing what is expected of me without giving it another thought. When I am not sure about what to do, I go back to this end of life picture, I sit quietly for awhile, and I gain strength to face whatever or whomever it is and claim back what I know is my choice.”

A great little video worth watching

2010-10-20T16:44:00.000-03:00

This is about what really motivates us.
Well - it is not what you think.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6XAPnuFjJc&feature=player_embedded#!

Some Great Links

2010-07-21T14:11:00.000-03:00

I recently found some great thought-provoking links, some are lectures, others - just good places to organise thoughts, and I would love to share them:

David Rock in a sample Coaching Session

Great resource for organising thoughts

Some cool facts and excercises about the brain.

Enjoy!

dove evolution

2010-05-29T12:11:00.001-03:00

Supervision in Coaching - What is it and why do we need it?

2009-06-03T08:44:00.008-03:00

Most of the helping professions, including social work, psychotherapy, counselling and others have been using professional supervision for decades, as part of their practice. It is formally regulated in most of those professions in many countries worldwide.

To the general public, the word ‘supervision’ may be somewhat misleading. In this instance it does not refer to the commonly-used management term, which implies regulating, overseeing and monitoring subordinates’ or apprentices’ work.
Rather, in the context of the helping professions, supervision refers to the practice of helping the therapist/counselor (or coach/mentor) manage high levels of complexity, maintain continued professional development, and have a mechanism for ensuring accountability and ethical standards.(1)

It is a new concept in the coaching and mentoring field. In fact, it is hard to find any written mention of supervision in coaching (or mentoring) prior to the year 2000. But new developments in the field, and the global trend of professionalising this domain, has seen the issue of supervision surface.
The Coaches and Mentors Association South Africa (COMENSA)(2), established in 2006, is grappling with all the challenges that an evolving field presents, from regulation and accreditation to monitoring and ethics. One of the results of a wide consultation and exchange with similar associations worldwide and among the practitioners and trainers within South Africa has seen the birth of a Code of Ethics and an interim policy on supervision.

A group of experienced coaches and mentors from Europe and the US recently came up with a suggestion of spelling it Super-Vision(3)simply because of it being, primarily, a reflective space for people who deal with clients on their own. This space allows them to step back, assess their work and reflect, in a variety of forms and content-areas, in order to constantly improve their professional service.
Super-Vision, in other words, is about honing skills, sharpening tools, and constantly aspiring to learning more, and producing a better service.

The benefits of Super-Vision include:
1. Protection of the client - a mechanism for ensuring accountability and ethical practice for both the individual and the organization;
2. Continued professional development - an opportunity for the coach/mentor to identify personal strengths as well as areas that require further development;
3. Support for the Coach/Mentor in dealing with 'challenging' cases, and in personal issues that may arise.

These are known in the helping professions’ parlance as Administrative or Normative; Educational or Formative; and Supportive or Restorative – respectively.
A key question is: how does the issue of supervision affect anyone who is considering hiring a coach, individually or organisationally?

In seeking to hire the best professional coach, clearly considerations include ensuring that the coach is formally trained and accredited, has the relevant experience, and resonates with you. But supervision provides an added value: If the coach is supporting him or herself by being supervised, your Return on Investment prospects will increase significantly.

What are, therefore, the benefits of super-vision for the purchasing client? This can be summed-up very crisply: You are assured that the coach will work responsibly and to the best of his or her ability. The long list of benefits that coaches gain from supervision will be as relevant for you, the client.

1. COMENSA Code of Ethics – Available online: http://www.comensa.org.za/dotnetnuke/Portals/0/downloads/COMENSA_Code_Ethics_final_060210.pdf
2. ibid
3. Representatives from the European and American associations of Coaches and Mentors and other interested stakeholders have been working last year on a coaching and mentoring supervision project, (http://gccweb.ning.com/group/Supervision).