coaching for LIFE! with Juli Alvarado

Universal Healing~ Juli Alvarado August 2014

2014-08-27T16:26:43Z

It is about Universal Healing~
During my teaching yesterday, a participant in the audience asked me why I refer to what I teach as 'universal healing' vs 'trauma healing' or 'organizational healing' or simply 'therapeutic healing' ~ I thought i would share with you, what i shared with my audience~

in the beginning of my career in healing i saw the client as needing healing from me.
soon into my career, i saw the client's family also in need of healing.
soon after, i saw the extended family, generations back also in need of healing.
soon after, i saw the school, community and places of work also in need of healing so that the healing client could live and thrive in a healing world.

And sometime later in my work, i began to see myself in need of healing.
This was by far the hardest, most painful and long term realization of all.

If I, myself, cannot see the need for my own healing, how can I help another see the need for theirs?

If I, myself, cannot see the need for my organization to become a mindful, conscious and healing place to receive my staff on a regular basis, how can I support you in transforming your organization?

When the provider, therapist, parent, or leader sees only the need for healing, change and submission on the part of their 'subordinates' , and seeks to impose this change through control, power and intimidation everybody loses. This fear based method of relating takes place of the love that we are intended to BE and to share.

As i began to peel back my own layers, to see the truth of who I am, from where I came and who i see myself to be; as I begin to trust my own intuition and knowing, to listen to my still, tiny voice instead of the voice of others; as I evolved from a state of merely existing to a state of LIVING and learning to do so from a place of gratitude and joy, I realized that

We Are ALL In Need Of Healing~

From the CEO of the organization to her/his staff
From the Therapist to the Client
From the Parent to the child

All of us around the universe are in need of healing.

Universal healing through which we all experience transformation in relationship to one another simultaneously, became my passion, my goal and life's work.

Emotional Regulatory Healing, my trauma informed and mindfully based paradigm feels right, it is scientifically grounded and most of all has helped 1000's of leaders, parents and people around the globe find peace, move from chaos to calm and make the transition from existing to living.

That is why i call my work Universal Healing~ <3 j

Mastering LIFE! At Any Age~ Juli Alvarado, April 24, 2014

2014-04-24T14:18:27Z

This is has been a hard week, hard couple of weeks actually. All that I teach, preach, write about and practice has been put to the test.

I am not referring to raising or working with wounded children; today, I am talking about aging and growing ourselves.

As I help to settle my own father into a home, not his home, and struggle with all of the emotions screaming out of me, I also realized that this experience with my father is much different than the experience that I had 21 years ago as I helped my mother die with grace much too young; both of us.

As I have aged and mastered new skills in LIFE! the experience of LIFE! itself has transformed. Ironic occurrence; a group planning a large conference found themselves with no Key Note speaker a week prior to their event and called our office on the slim chance that I am in town and available.

The message reached me as I sat with my father awaiting yet another test, another poke, another prod, another stick, another stranger, another less than compassionate person making decisions that would bring prolonged life or the chance of death.

And, I said, Yes. Immediately but could not for the life of me figure out why, until now.

I am in the middle of aging. In western culture, 50-55 is the beginning of old age. And here I am, raising younger, some wounded and scared children, and now, helping an aging parent who is no longer independent.

And in comes the request to speak about Mastering LIFE! at any age~ sure, why not? I got this, right? Exhale.........

So, here goes.

I have discovered that as I age, LIFE has improved. I don't deny aging and I don't try to prolong my youth. I am saying good bye to youth and making plenty of room for the stage of life that I am in. My hair will gray, my skin will wrinkle, and all the while I will rejoice in LIFE! We can face each day with a sadness for lost youth, or celebrate another day of LIFE just as it is, because it is!

Life gets better and better as I begin to master these new skills of living well. Sure, walking two miles each morning takes longer now than it did 10 years ago, and downhill, well, my knees are not keen on that idea. However, with a walking stick, I enjoy a slow walk down the mountain I just climbed. Acknowledging the gains and the specific advantages that accrue with new skills gives LIFE! more meaning, purpose and yes, pizazzzzzzz~

Here are a few lessons that I learned along the way~embrace them for yourself and wonder about your Mastering of LIFE!

1: With Age our Confidence Grows
Youth is a time of searching, insecurity, the unknown and trygin to figure out who we are, how to live and what matters. The more friends the better, but keeping them all happy is stressful. However, as time passes, we pay less attention to what others are doing and thinking and develop our very own internal compass. Small groups are more enjoyable and meangingful and we become clear on what Matters~

2: Self Knowledge Increases
An expanding awareness of our strengths and vulnerabilities supports us as we move through challenging times. The chaos of others is less likely to become our own. We are not so easily swayed by the opions of others or their judgements about what we should or should not do. Our convictions are stronger and it becomes a pleasure to stand on solid ground even in tough situations; not out of stubborn pride of youth, but because we know who we are.

3: We Get Better at Relationships
One of the most significant gains with age is employing all that we have learned about relationships. What fills us up? What do we long to give and to receive? With intimate partners especially, the gain in self knowledge allows us to be more open with each other and more comfortable in our vulnerabilities as we try not to repeat the mistakes of the past. We appreciate the loyalty of true friends more and more and have less patience, and time, for the superficial relationships of the past.

4: We learn to see through different lens
We each see Life, Love, Family and Relationship through a unique lens. Some of us see the world as safe, loving, and fun. Others, not so much. Respecting the ‘lens’ through which others see the world,takes a certain amount of security in self, and maturity in LIFE! As we age we tend to let go of the need to be right, and embrace more the need to love and be loved.

5: We handle decision making with less frenzy
Even at the crossroads of life, decisions tend to come with less frenzy about them. Over time, the hard earned benefits of hindsight begin to add up. We can see where we may have gone wrong, we can learn from many past experiences about what feels best for us, and allow the past to inform the present situation. Complex choices are easier to make with more experience under our belt, and rather than guessing about the outcome of a decision we have to make, our experiences offer a level of comfort in making the decision now.

6: Our courage grows
We have been through some tuff times and have come out on the other side! We no longer fear adversity as we once did. We know how crucial it is to seize a level of contentment while we can. We don't stand on the sidelines waiting for the best opportunity; we know that LIFE demands compromise, mixed with some luck and risk and we know that there is NO time like the present.

7: Generosity grows
Generosity begins to take a central role in what we value. As the decades pass, we discover a need to contribute to the greater good and not only to our own interest. This, feels good. We become more sympathetic to others and discover that each of us face the same fundamental challenges in life.

8: Spirituality deepens
The search for meaning continues throughout the lifespan, but as we age, it deepens. Petty concerns fade, and going through the grief and loss of loved ones wakes us up to the domain in life that really matters.

9: Body and Soul change places
The body may detiorate over time, but the soul expands! When we are young we looked at our elders and could not possibly imagine what fun that could be!!! The happiest people I work with are those who may be closer to death but live LIFE to the fullest now.

10: Our eyes may not focus, but we can see further
I work with elders who are radiating LIFE! We slow down, pay attention, enjoy the conversation and see so much more than we could have 50 years ago.

As we age, the awareness of our mortality brings an immediacy to much of what we do. As I watch my father struggle to move, I have added an extra session of stretching to my routine. Time becomes the most important currency and we spend it more wisely than in days gone by.

Looking for a fountain of youth brings sadness and grief. Accepting and honoring where we are in LIFE invites an experience of joy. As we age we have more time to be 'awake' and enjoy our time; many of us enjoy our grandchildren; we become a source of wisdom for others and wear whatever we choose!

In no way do I mean to dismiss or ignore the disease and challenges that older age bring and make life more difficult. But I do mean to say that we can explore many distant horizons even as our physical bodies change.

A few more thoughs before we part ways:

Adapt as the circumstances demand~ I live in a ranch with no stairs.

Accept your limits with humor~ laugh with yourself not at yourself.

Find new pleasures to replace the ones your must surrender~ I love board games now.

Stay active, be social, serve others and laugh.

For more information on the work of Juli Alvarado, you can reach us at www.coaching-forlife.com or call our Denver office at 303-431-0604303-431-0604.

Eight suggestions for relating to your child about trauma~Juli Alvarado, April 17, 2014

2014-04-17T16:02:11Z

I received an email last week from an adoptive parent who wrote. “I want to know how and when to tell my son what he and we went through.” This mother shared with me 9 years of anguish for the family, social,emotional and behavioral struggles that were beyond comprehension and was looking for a way to reach her child with no more medications or therapy. YEA!!!!!!

This parent has been following my work and wanting to implement a tangible, strategic plan, in her words to bring about the change from chaos to calm. She knows that a deeper understanding offered within a safe environment, can bring calm in and of itself.

After speaking with her I realized that she is far from alone, and decided to write down the outline of my conversation with her.

Hoping this brings hope through science and spirit; and sending peace, love and healing to all who this may reach. Juli

Eight suggestions for relating to your child about trauma~

1: First and foremost; get to know your child.
All of the suggestions in this list will mean nothing and do nothing to help you if you do not know your child. The way you will relate to your child depends on their social and emotional age, not simply their chronological age, as well as their temperament. Short conversations during other activities may be best. Sitting down to talk may be best. Waiting until bed time may be best, or worse! Know your child, consider your child before moving forward. Do you know your child? Our objective is to lessen the sensations of threat and fear and to increase safety and acceptance; none of which can be accomplished if you do not know and consider what you know about your child first. Let that which you know and feel be your guide. Move gently, you can do this.

2: Discover what your child already knows.
Before telling your child about the traumatic events, ask what he already knows and remembers about it. Listen to his perceptions, memories and stories. Allow your child to completely and fully speak before you tell them anything else. Move within their framework. Don’t tell them they are wrong, even if they are. Let them know what you know and share your stories as you help them move to the truth. Suggest to your child that their birth parent loved them the best way that they know how to love them. Knowing that we were loved is a powerful force moving into later stages of development and life. Knowing what your child has been telling themselves will help you determine which details to include—and what confusions need to be cleared up as you relate.

3: Maintain a steady confidence in your child and their resilience.
You might help your child feel safer as you share with them the number of people that it took to bring your child to you, how many people worked hard to protect your child and the number of other children who are being protected as well. You can frame the story of your child within lessons in life; bad things do happen to people all over the world, AND we can learn from them, become wiser and move to help others who may be in the same position of need one day. Remember, adoption and foster care is often celebrated by the adults, and grieved by the child. It took a huge loss for ‘our’ children in order for us to gain.

4: Slow and Low.
When you speak to your child I encourage you to practice what I call Slow and Low. If you are highly emotional when you relate, your child picks up that emotion and will have to navigate through the confusion. If, on the other hand, you remain calm, speak quietly, move slowly, and breathe deeply~ your child is likely to grasp what’s important: that what happens in the world can upset our lives, even deeply, but we can learn from bad experiences and work together to recover and even grow stronger. A child who lives with a distressed parent often learns to be apprehensive. A child who lives with a resilient parent tends to show confidence and faith in the face of adversity.

5: See through their ‘lens’.
We each see Life, Love, Family and Relationship through a unique lens. Some of us see family as safe, loving, forever and fun. Others, not so much. Respect the ‘lens’ through which your child sees the world, even if it may be painful for you to learn. The more you can see through their ‘lens’ the safer they will feel with you. Through that safety you can teach the important lessons as your child grows.

6: Explain the truth with some concrete terms.
We can’t always provide the reason why one adult parent will give a child up for adoption in a way that makes sense to a child. But we can offer tangible reassurance that we will not do the same thing and that we are the forever parent. To an 8-year-old who has been given up, the truth is that they can be given up again. Period. Forever. That will never change. They can be given up again. They live within that truth. You cannot take that away from them. You can, however, continue to reassure them in ways that matter to them, that they will be your child forever. Do not be afraid to speak of this. Your child may already be wondering…….

7: Teach your child mindfulness and the power of thoughts.
We cannot change what has happened to us, but we can change how we think about it. Teach your child how to breathe deeply, how to slow down the thoughts as we make sense of them. Teach your child how to become aware of what they think and why they think that thought. Ask your child about what feels true to them and work with that. Ask your child what they think about at bedtime and during the day. Practice slowing down and living more intentionally within the truth so that your child may too.

8: Do something.
Children typically learn the most by doing. You may choose to create a LIFE book, or write a book about their life asking them to name the chapters. You may listen as your child expresses a need to be in touch with a birth parent and seek counsel with regard in how to best proceed. You and your child may volunteer at a shelter or in a food line for the homeless. Focus on the power that your child has to create the life of his/her choice from this day forward and then go out and teach them how to do that!

Your experiences have shaped who you have become. The same is true for your child. The experiences that you offer to your child will help to shape who they will become from here forward.

If you feel stuck or unsure, trauma sensitive and attachment focused parent coaching can help.

You can reach us at www.coaching-forlife.com or by calling our Denver office at 303-431-0604303-431-0604

A New Way to think about Success: Juli Alvarado March 28, 2014

2014-03-28T15:34:32Z

Hold on, we kick off with some science and quickly get to the good stuff~

Affective neuroscience studies the way that emotions are regulated, or dysregulated, in the brain. Just as we must learn to read and write, and a bit about history, geography and math to be successful out there, we must also learn to manage our social and emotional lives.

By the early elementary years, children should be able to recognize and label their emotions, as well as understanding how emotions lead us to act. Empathy and the ability to read nonverbal cues significantly evolve in healthy JR high students; and by high school graduation our young adults would be well served to know what causes stress for them, be capable of navigating away from that and increase that which motivates them toward success.

Teaching children the way to improved self-awareness and confidence as well as to manage disturbing emotions and impulses provides improved relationships, less violence and increased academic success.

The same holds true for adults. If we did not learn these skills as children, we have may carried into our adulthood an emotional vacuum that we tend to fill with food, sex, addictions, drugs, relationships and self-contempt.

The work of ER, Emotional Regulation combined with Emotional Intelligence provides the space and the capacity for acquiring these skills at any stage of life. From organizational leaders, to managers and clinicians, from foster parents to teachers and everyone in-between. Success, or failure, looks much the same.

Coaching for LIFE will become

Alvarado Consulting and Treatment Group, LLC in June, 2014, and you will learn more about how the integrated skills of Emotional Regulation and Emotional Intelligence can support your success at home and in the office.

Remember, change is an inside job. When you change, change has happened. What the rest of the world does with that is their business, you just need to stay in yours.

Here is to success for each and every one of us on this wonderful journey called LIFE!

Juli

www.coaching-forlife.com for now ;-)

Chose to chose~ juli alvarado march 19, 2014

2014-03-19T16:43:43Z

Everything is a choice; how you dress, act, eat, move, love, worship, live.

Happiness and wellbeing are a choice, your choice. When something happens that makes you feel bad you have a choice to either let it ruin your day (or even life) or to take a deep breath and let it go.

I do not condone looking the other way when someone is being hurt or mistreated; but I do encourage you to consider whether responding from a place of compassion and understanding vs reacting in rage or anger is best for your wellbeing, and theirs.

Choosing to respond instead of react allows you to maintain your composure, think clearly and to expand your lens of understanding, outside of your own. Reacting from a place of anger puts you in the position of victim, and you do that to yourself....

So, the next time something upsets you at work or home, zoom out, expand your lens. Do not allow the actions or emotions of others to become yours.

Mindful living requires that we are conscious and intentional in our being and our doing. Take a breath, consider all points of view and choose to use your limited unites of energy to promote what you love instead of fighting what you hate.

Why chose to be angry when you know how detrimental anger is to your wellbeing? Anger did not chose you, you choose anger.

Create the space for patience with self and others.. Live and let live. you can't stop them anyway :-) but you can start a world of pure peace, acceptance, beauty and love, right now, right here, inside of you.

warm hugs and healing, juli

www.coaching-forlife.com

::LIFE! Healing for Couples, by Jules, Feb 2014

2014-02-19T15:38:33Z

We have just come out of a 3 day healing retreat for couples. Beautiful, committed couples.

As I observed the pain, the tears, the truth and the life long struggle pouring out of each of these divine souls, I was reminded that the desire to love our partner through the healing is but a part of our work; it is the ability to do so, the willingness to learn that will bring the joy and happiness back into the relationship.

Training is needed for most of us, in the practice of True Love~

We explored looking deeply at our partners. We learned that if we do not understand one another deeply, we cannot love deeply.

In order to understand and look deeply, we must make the time to do so. Everyday, not only some days.

We explored compassion for our partners. Not only the desire to ease their pain, but to know how to do so by looking deeply, understanding and 'being' with our Self and with them.

We explored joy in relationship to our partners. If you suffer, if you cry, if you make one another cry and suffer it is not true love. It is the opposite. Changing this pattern requires both people to look deeply within them Self and to practice looking deeply within their partner. Through understanding, compassion and time we bring joy back into our relationships.

We explored freedom in relationship and our ability to feel free within our Self and through our love, and to provide the freedom that our partner deserves within the relationship to 'be'.

We spent an entire day looking for, falling into and facing the truth. We practiced speaking our truth in a safe, nurturing environment so that our truth may become the foundation for the truth of our Love. The truth is that not one of us was delivered here to make another happy, yet in the shared desire to bring forth happiness in Self we do so in others freely.

We practiced mindfulness in love; a mindful embrace, a mindful kiss, a mindful walk and a mindful LIFE!

We learned that the suffering in our partners comes from a place deep within and that our suffering too, comes from a place deeply buried. As we learn to embrace our suffering, cradle our suffering, care for our suffering as a gentle mother cares for the suffering of her young one, we learn to do the same for our partners and in this way the suffering begins to disappear for both.

'Being' with another who is suffering is not easy, we need to practice this art. If we cannot learn to bring our presence to another who is in pain, if we cannot make the time for this, healing cannot happen....in any relationship.

We explored the real experience of our body and our mind being in two different places. Our body may be sitting right here with another, but our mind is elsewhere and our spirit is asleep. Our partners know this, sense this and are hurt, not healed, through this experience.

We practiced using our breath as a bridge between our body and our mind and in deep breathing bring our body/mind/spirit back to unity and to the space needed by another who is suffering.

Breathing in we say, "I am here for you", breathing out we say, "I am really here for you". As you say this with your breath and feel it with your body, your mind and your spirit you will experience a shift in your ability to 'be' with another; and they too, will experience your full presence. In this, healing begins.

The greatest gift that you can ever give to another, is your time. In this, before any other action has taken place, healing has begun.

I have experienced no greater honor than to participate in the healing journey of another. I continue to be amazed by the strength, resilience and drive for LIFE! in each of us.

In gratitude, jules

www.coaching-forlife.com

::LIFE! ponderings by a wounded healer, juli alvarado

2014-01-18T17:23:15Z

Ego VS Spirit~

I have just returned from Central California, where I was invited to train an amazing group of parents, providers and professionals through Lilliput Children's Services,

For three days we peeled back layers, uncovered our own fear of diving into the fear of others, explored the impact of trauma to the developing brain and the social/emotional and behavioral outcome of child abuse and neglect in 'our' children.

Each day I was reminded of how much more we all have in common than we are different.

Everyone one of us longs to be heard; we took time to tell each other our stories and all wished we had had more time.

Everyone of us longs for the safety and acceptance in relationship that allows for our own healing; we took time to explore the needs that we have as well as the needs of our children and families.

Everyone of us has both ego and spirit that are waged in a constant battle of fight vs surrender; fight to be heard, to be held, to be right, to be applauded vs surrender to the quiet knowledge that we are enough, we give enough, we have enough and in these still moments of silence that IS ENOUGH.

I was reminded of the truth of healing. It is much more than the science that backs trauma informed care and much more than ancient paradigms of healing. It is that very sacred space, at the intersection of both, the mind/body/spirit that surrenders fully to the knowledge that all that has been was necessary, and all that will be is necessary and all that is now, is perfect just as it is.

When the fight subsides, Peace arrives.

I love you all and am more grateful than I know how to express, that you continue to invite me into your sacred circles as the healing evolves.

A warm embrace to each of you~

Peace, jules

Author of The Quest for Peace in a Broken World

TIPS: Trauma Informed Parenting Strategies~

2013-10-26T19:19:19Z

10 Tips for Stressed out Parents! www.coaching-forlife.com

We have learned about trauma.

We have learned about attachment.

We have learned about emotional regulation.

We have made all the appointments, met all the therapists, researched all the diagnosis, completed the mounds of paperwork, put our lives into a big fishbowl for others to review, run all the errands, made all the beds, started the laundry, dinner is on the stove, and the day is gone.

How did that happen? I thought I had planned well enough that I would have a couple of hours before the kids get home, or at least after they went to bed, ….and oh my, fall and winter break is just around the corner.

I love my family, my children and my role in life.

And, I AM TIRED, stressed out and depleted at times.

Many parents have written to me over the years asking for ways to calm, work on their own stress and for suggestions for free or low cost means to feel better. I offer my response~

But, there is a catch.

I can share 10 highly effective tips for easy stress reduction; ways to help you get and stay more emotionally regulated and they will do you absolutely no good unless you practice them daily.

We have to intentionally take care of ourselves.

What’s Breath got to do with it??

The emotional experience of stress triggers a chemical reaction in the brain. The chemical reaction impacts our physiological system. Now we have a brain/body reaction to stress.

The brain loses its ability for clear thinking, decision making and rational thought. We become impulsive, irrational and we do and say things that we soon regret.

The body becomes rigid, down to the cellular level we constrict under stress. Muscles tighten up, the jaw clenches, we often sweat as our heart rate increases and blood pumps more quickly under fire from the stress response system.

All of this happens for good reason! It primes us to respond to the stress~prepares us to take action through fight, flight or freeze against that which is threatening to us.

However, when we are pumped up, ready to fight, we simply add to that which has stressed us to begin with. A fight is not what we typically need in our day to day lives to bring the situation back to calm. Fighting against a person fighting just gets us more fighting! We make bad decisions, we add to the anger and tension and we suffer in our emotional and physical being.

Breathing, deep breathing is the connection between our body, mind and spirit. It is through deep breaths that we bring both our emotional, physical and spiritual being back into regulation. Stop right now, take 3 very deep breaths, exhaling slowing and intentionally. Allow your body to relax a bit as you do. You will understand clearly how powerful a simple breath is to our Peace and healing.

The brain learns through repetition, the more you do something the more natural it becomes. I started practicing deep breathing years ago, now I unconsciously stop and breathe to bring myself to regulation all through the day. My stress is extremely low, my impulsive, frustrated, intolerant reactions are almost non existent. I can function from a state of love and calm even in the midst of the storm, which I, like you, have daily.

Integrated into the 10 tips for stress reduction for parents is breathing, lots of breathing. I encourage you to pick 2 or 3 of my suggestions and begin to practice them daily. You will change. Your life will change. When you change for the better, so too, will your family change. Try it for 30 days, you will be glad you did!

10 Tips for Stressed Parents:

AWARENESS: unless you are aware of that which dysregulates, (stresses) you, you cannot create an environment opposite to that for your healing. We must first take a look inside and figure out what stresses us. Make a note of any stressful, current situations in your life. What is it about this situation that stresses you? Write it down. If there is something that you can do to change it, engage that change today. If there is not, you can always change you.

It is often our reaction to a situation that stresses us out as much as the situation itself. If your reaction is out of fear, anger or anxiety, choosing instead to stop before you react and taking 3 deep breaths, calms your mind and body. Your reaction is causing your stress response system to activate. We can calm the system instead of active the system simply through your breath.

EVERY HOUR: set your timer or alarm on your computer or phone to provide a soft, soothing reminder every hour of the day. When the alarm goes off, stop everything that you are doing, stand up, stretch your entire body for a full 60 seconds, take 3 very deep breaths and go back to work. You will feel better in one day. Guaranteed.

MEDITATION/PRAYER: every morning before your feet hit the floor, offer gratitude for another day, another chance, another breath. Thank God and the Universe for all that is provided to you on yet another day. Take three deep breaths to bring your mind/body/spirit into alignment before you hit the ground running. Stretch your body as much as you can when you first awaken. Your day will be better the very first day you begin this routine!

YOGA: if you cannot join a class, or purchase an inexpensive DVD yoga class to do in your own home, you can always find a yoga class on one of the health TV stations. Yoga helps you learn to control your breathing and increase heart rate variability. This helps the body to respond more flexibly to stress. Once a week is good, twice is better. Your body, your mind and your spirit will feel better in one week!

WALKING: a 15 minute brisk walk, two times a day increases the release of feel good chemicals into your brain and body. If it is cold out, walk inside. I sometimes will set my timer for 5 minutes and walk up and down the steps in my office 2-3 times a day to increase the cardio exercise. I follow that with three deep breaths and go back to work. Gets me feeling better every single time.

Any exercise rebalances melatonin which enhances sleep cycles and releases endorphins which enhances mood. Get up and move every day in some way.

SLEEP WELL AND REST DAILY: sleep deprivation keeps your nervous system on high-alert and your coritsol levels too high. This keeps you feeling anxious throughout the day. If you do not sleep well at night, rest during the day if you can, even for 30 minutest. This will bring your relaxation chemicals back to target.

SENSORY STIMULATION: your stress system is affected by sensory input; what you hear, taste, touch, smell and see. Are your surroundings calm, soothing, tranquil and content? If not, what can you do to change that, now? I listen to very soothing music with no words while I work. I light candles with light scent, and I use lamps with soft lighting. I create a sensory experience that draws me in with comfort.

TIME OUT: not for your kids, but for you if needed! If you are at the point of blowing, you have permission to give yourself a time out. Let your children or loved ones know that you will be back, that you just need to walk away for a few minutes. That is must less damaging than what may slip out if you stay!

TRIPLE A’s: affection, attention and attunement. Your kids need this everyday, but so do you. Create relationships that are full of affection, that provide you with the attention you need, and that are attuned to your needs and wants. The more of these you get, the more you can share! Cultivate the friendships you long for; coffee with a good friend is more helpful than most therapy sessions!

Stop Drop and Roll: when all else fails and the stress returns,

Stop: completely stop, stop talking, moving and reacting

Drop: drop into deep breaths, slowly inhale and exhale focusing only on breath

Roll: roll back into relationship only after you have calmed your mind and body

This provides a calm platform for both you and the other person to come back into safety. If the other person is still upset, work to remain slow in your movements and low in your tone of voice. This will help you remain calm and bring the other person down with you.

If you are in need of a personal coach, a healing coach, a trauma informed coach; if you are looking for someone to help you, listen to you and direct you as a coach would do, please visit us at http://www.coaching-forlife.com/coach-cara/

As a certified professional coach, trained in ERH and trauma informed care, Cara’s engaging and mindful style of coaching will support you toward a more peaceful life!

Please reach out, if you need support, ask someone. You are not alone.

And remember, breathe~

Juli Alvarado

Founder/Sr. Clinical Consultant

coaching for LIFE!

www.coaching-forlife.com

866-570-0604

The Trauma Sensitive School: Leffingwell and Alvarado, July 2013

2013-07-06T17:23:22Z

FACT: One out of every 4 children attending school has been exposed to a traumatic event that can affect learning and/or behavior. (NCTSN: Child Trauma Toolkit for Educators 2008)

In order to understand the importance of trauma, it is only necessary to look around the world in which our children are growing. In an age when a child can witness violence just by turning on the television, listening to music, playing a video game or logging onto the internet, it is no longer possible to ignore that our culture of violence affects every child, every family, every teacher, every classroom and every school.

FACT: Trauma can impact school performance. Examples include: lower GPA, higher rate of school absences, increased drop-out, more suspensions and expulsions and decreased reading ability. (NCTSN: Child Trauma Toolkit for Educators 2008)

Our classrooms are full of traumatized children who require a trauma informed and a trauma sensitive approach, in order to effectively meet the student where they are at. Emotional Regulatory Healing, or ERH, is a trauma informed and mindful paradigm for the healing of our schools, our classrooms, our staff and our students. The objective of utilizing ERH as a trauma informed paradigm in the schools is to provide:

Physical Safety in the classroom

Emotional Safety in the classroom

Psychological Safety in the classroom &

Moral Safety in the classroom in an effort to increase the capacity for learning in a safe environment for all students.

In addition, a trauma informed and sensitive environment in the schools is one that maximizes the student’s sense of safety and acceptance, reduces overwhelming emotions, decreases the sensory overload for students and provides ongoing education and training for all staff on the impact of trauma as it relates to development and relationships.

FACT: Trauma can impair learning. Single exposure to traumatic events may cause jumpiness, intrusive thoughts, interrupted sleep, moodiness and social withdrawal. Chronic exposure to traumatic events can adversely affect attention, memory and cognition; reduce a child’s ability to focus and organize; interfere with problem solving and may result in feelings of frustration and anxiety. (NCTSN: Child Trauma Toolkit for Educators 2008)

Building a trauma sensitive environment is a never-ending, evolving and creative process that has the power to change the life of everyone involved. Just as it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a committed and united trauma sensitive education system to provide the opportunity for wounded children to learn, heal and thrive.

A traumatic experience impacts the entire person—the way we think, learn, remember, the way we feel about ourselves, about other people, and the way that we make sense of the world…

The childhood reaction to trauma:

Trauma affects how children feel, behave and think. Trauma affects a child’s beliefs about themselves and adults, but also impacts their beliefs about the larger community, the world, and relationships. Trauma and chronic traumatic stress interrupt a child’s learning, overriding their higher level reasoning skills at a time when they are just developing. Regardless of the source of the traumatic stress, the outcome is the same. Children develop reasoning and behavior that is illogical and sometimes dangerous.

FACT: Traumatized children may experience physical and emotional distress. This may include headaches and stomach aches, poor impulse control, inconsistent academic performance, over or under-reacting to bells, physical contact, slamming doors, lighting or sudden movements. (NCTSN: Child Trauma Toolkit for Educators 2008)

Children who have experienced trauma develop coping mechanisms during times of increased stress and trauma, many of which are later viewed as unhealthy or maladaptive, but these mechanisms or strategies are what kept these children alive when they were faced with fear and threat. These mechanisms have a lasting impact on how children understand and respond to various situations throughout their lives.

Think of these mechanisms as “tools” that traumatized children carry with them through their life in an invisible suitcase. These tools are all the children know and when they enter a new home, classroom, family or situation, the children will open their suitcase and grab a tool to help them survive or cope. Think about what tools might be in some student’s backpacks? If we want to create an educational environment that is trauma sensitive ask yourself, “How can we re-pack this suitcase with safe, positive experiences?” and “How can we promote healing and resilience in the student by helping them feel safe, capable and likeable/loveable?”

Understanding how children respond to trauma is the basis for creating a place of sanctuary in which children can learn. Creating safety and security in the schools is only possible when we all understand the nature of both individual and organizational trauma. Everyone in the entire school system must actively work together to build and nurture a community and environment where healing and learning can thrive hand in hand.

In summary, here are some TIPS, Trauma Informed Proactive Strategies, for Educators and the school systems:

Educators recognize that dysregulated students can engage in the learning process only when they sense emotional and physical safety and security.

Educators are aware that a child who is in a state of fear or threat does not have the neurological, cognitive nor emotional ability to understand cause and effect.
Educators understand that behaviors are an external manifestation of an internal dysregulation. Calm the brain, calm the behavior!
Educators appreciate that students who have experienced trauma need to be in relationship with regulated adults who can help support the students own regulation.
Educators recognize the importance of creating an environment with soft lighting, opportunities for movement, and decreased sensory stimulation with the goal of calming the stress response system in the student’s brain.
Educators are aware of the healing power in relationships. Students who have been traumatized in the context of a relationship will only heal in relationship!
Educators understand that students who have experienced trauma will be more in tune with the teacher’s non-verbal cues than spoken words. Facial expressions, tone of voice, and body movements provide a traumatized student with fear or safety. Learning how to create safety non-verbally is easy, effective and healing for both the teacher and the student.
Educators are aware of secondary or vicarious trauma symptoms and how important it is to re-examine their own lens through which they see, respond to and understand traumatized children. I cannot give away that which is not mine to give!

For more information on Emotional Regulatory Healing, or ERH, and the trauma informed classroom, please visit us at www.coaching-forlife.com

::REAL LIFE, LOVE, FAMILY and RELATIONSHIP: Juli Alvarado, June 23, 2013

2013-06-23T15:15:40Z

He had stepped on, kicked, run over, dropped, broken and interrupted our conversation at least 20 times in one hour.

He had screamed, yelled, pushed, shoved, grabbed and otherwise disrupted the flow at least 20 times in one hour.

His father glared, gave him the eye, entered into the battle of power and control in an attempt to force his child to 'fix' whatever he had done at least 40 times in the past hour.

His mother sat on the couch, exhausted, crying, holding another son who felt 'lost like all the stuff you put in a blender' wondering how to make it through another day.

I observed, I breathed deeply, I felt each of them as deeply as I possibly could. I heard so much more than their words and saw so much more than their physical form moving through the experience. I had only two days in this family's home to bring some healing~ I breathed deeply again...............

I saw the greatest teachers on the planet attempting desperately to help us 'see' the world, LIFE, LOVE, FAMILY and RELATIONSHIP through their 'lens.

I saw a wounded mother and father desperately attempting to love wounded children and the woundedness becoming all consuming; unintentionally, unknowingly and unconsciously.

I saw children doing all that they had learned to do ~ I saw children in a constant battle of 'you won't keep me anyway, so what the heck...."

I was offered a stack, at least a foot high, of tests, evaluations, diagnostic information, treatment plans, cocktails of medications that had thus far not done the 'the trick'; lists of the abuse these children had suffered beginning in the tummy of a mom addicted and stressed and accounts of bruises, physical and sexual abuse at the hands of those whom we most need to protect us.

I saw parents parenting in the only way they knew how; with expectations of their children that had been set long before the trauma of these children would enter into their space with a refusal to respond to that type of parenting NOT out of defiance or a willful attempt to deny the parents right to make demands; but out of fear hidden deep within the spirit of their children who had learned that 'parents' hurt you, leave you, lie to you, defy you.

I saw an entire family blanketed in generations of pain, fear, trauma, and darkness and I saw a family longing for Peace~ safety and acceptance.

So we went to work, quietly........ gently........, slowly......., and intentionally, breathing deeply~

We brought a calm presence into a chaotic home~ and now we had a platform from which to begin.

We helped mom and dad become aware of their histories and how their wounds get all mingled in with the wounds of their children. We helped mom and dad honor their wounds, give thanks to the very pain that will now enable them to 'know' the pain of their children a bit deeper and give sacred space for the healing of each of them now in this together.

We helped mom and dad understand that each of us can only do that which we have learned to do; and if we have not yet learned something, we simply cannot do it well, yet; such as living forever in a family.....hmmmm, that easy~

We taught mom and dad that children only fight when they sense threat; when they are scared, when they know not else what to do.

None of us fight when we feel safe. Period.

We taught mom and dad these children see LIFE, LOVE, FAMILY and RELATIONSHIP as threatening.

and we came up with a plan, a real life plan, in their real life family, in their real life home, in their real life language and with all of them in a the room together. and so it is:

Objective: Our family will stay together forever.(this is primary over the objective of sucsess in school, community, or elsewhere in life. first and foremost, we are a forever family and the rest will fall into place over time)

Our children know how to leave, they have not yet learned how to stay~

with each removal, hospitalization, residential placement our children learn again how to leave. They learn that we parents do not have what they need and that they cannot trust us to take care of them. It is an oxymoron; the greatest lesson for a child is in the parent/child relationship that provides for safety, acceptance and healing.

The greatest wound to a child is being separated from parents.

It is time for our system to step up and help parents keep their children home to get what they need instead of helping parents send their children away for 'help'. There is nobody at fault, but it is our responsibility to change this system now.

When did we decide that helping children away from their parents is more effective than helping children with their parents?

When did we decide that sending children somewhere else, instead of sending someone into the home/family to secure safety and acceptance is good for kids?

How is it that this system continues to spend wasted dollars on useless treatments that are based in antiquated theories of 'therapeutic' programs.

Healing happens in relationship, let me say that again; Healing Happens in Relationship.

Don't get me wrong, there are great placements out there. That is not the problem. The problem is that we see the placements as the answer instead of sending all of those great folks from those great progams into the home where the real work must take place.

And don't get me wrong, I know how tired parents are and how much help we need. I am one of them. I get it.

But we all know, deep within us, that sending children away who have already been sent away is not the answer.

So on with our Trauma Informed and Mindful Healing plan for this one family:

1)Slow and Low: sensory experiences calm or escalate us. All of us. Slow down, slow your body, lower your tone of voice, slow your rate of speech. Just slow down, move with ease and offer a calm auditory experience for your family. This will calm the primitive region of the brain.

2)Stop, Drop and Roll: when you feel the stress coming, Stop talking and moving, Drop into your deep breathing until you are calm, and Roll back into relationship Slow and Low.

3)Your anger will not become my anger: Anger is a mask for fear, always. When our children act in anger and we react in anger we have more anger. Responding with slow and low understanding, not fighting back and bringing calm into the chaos will teach children over time that fighting is not the way. Fighting with children who are fighting only teaches them that fighting is the way. Work to not allow the anger of your child to become your anger. Respond with Love instead.

4)Don't tell me, show me: your children retain little of what you say. Come on, you know this. Gently take them by the arm and clean it up with them; show them every day in how you touch them, respond to them, love them, spend time with them that they are worthy of your calm, gentle love and valued in your eyes. They will remember how they feel with you forever, they will not remember most of your words by tonight.

5)TIPS; Trauma Informed Parenting Strategies: if you are not aware of how the brain has been changed through the experience of child abuse and if you are not aware of how the brain needs healing, get a coach. 'Our' Children can calm down, change in their behaviors and learn to stay; but it requires a brain based approach with support. A good, trauma informed parent coach can help you create a plan for your family.

I am renewed with hope after this weekend with this incredible family. I am inspired by their love for another.

At our celebration dinner they planned their vacation, with some new thoughts about relating to one another and a gentleness apparent to all.

I love my Real life work, with real life families. So honored, yet again~