Cobbler of Words

#EssayaDay

2014-10-05T21:24:00.002-07:00

I'm (trying to) participate in the Essay a Day October challenge. So far, there has been two posts from me. This it today's. Go check out Essay A Day Challenge to read my other posts and some really great authors.

A Portrait of Doug and Sally

My grandfather, Doug, has always told me stories from his life, the same ones many times, scenes on repeat: when he and grandma first met, their wedding day, having Uncle Doug, losing Uncle Mark, their fights when grandma walked out on him. Why does he tell them again and again? Is he trying to grasp a reality that isn’t there? Or does he really not remember that he’s already told us these a hundred times?

Some of the stories that follow are exactly how they were told to me, some were imagined where major details were left out; some of the images are from photographs and some from my imagination. My task is now to patch these stories together and try to make sense of them, stitch together my Grandparents lives. I want to capture these moments in time, hold on to them, and not let them slip away from me, even though the people are.

It was the summer of 1949 at Fish Creek Pond in the Town of Saranac Lake, Upstate New York, just south of the Adirondack Mountain range.

Doug's blonde hair was slicked back, the white from his tee shirt, carefully tucked into his favorite pair of jeans, popped out from under his black leather jacket, while a skinny cigarette hung from his lips--all to try to look older, and cooler, than he did. His baby face gave the impression that he was years younger than the twenty three years he had lived. Doug was walking on the dirt road that snaked through the tents populating the campground with his friend, Don. They were discussing which flies they would use fishing the next morning. Doug’s heart started racing, palms became sweaty, and throat a little dry. A pair of girls were walking toward them, the one on the right took Doug’s breath away. He stopped in his tracks and held out his hand to stop Don who had not seen the girls that he did.

Sally wore her golden brown hair in a high pony tail that swung at the rhythm of her long stride along with the swish of her long skirt. She was on her way back to her parents’ campsite with her sister, Bobbi. Though Sally was the younger of the two, she was also the better looking one. While Bobbi had a boyish look to her and her cheeks bulged out like a chipmunk hiding an acorn for safe keeping. Sally was slim and beautiful; she looked like she came right off the front page of Vogue magazine. Even at the age of fifteen she could turn the head of any man or boy, no matter their age. Sally was updating Bobbi on what she wanted to do with her life.

“I’m going to be a nurse! It’s perfect for me.”

“But what about getting married and having kids, a family?” Bobbi questioned Sally’s decision.

Sally considered this for a moment but then decided that she’d have plenty of time for that later, she was still so young. She had time to do both. The girls were approaching a pair of boys standing in the road ahead.

“That one’s mine!” Doug exclaimed as he pointed at Sally.

“What? Which one? What are you talking about?” Don was confused. He hadn’t seen the girls; he didn’t follow Doug’s point.

“The younger girl, the one on the right. The better looking one. She’s mine.” Doug directed Don to the girls.

“Oh…” Don caught up.

“Don’t even think about going after her!” Doug yelled at Don with a glare.

“OK! I won’t. Don’t worry about it.”

Once Doug muscled up the courage to talk to the girls, they became friends almost instantly. Their friendship quickly progressed into a relationship they feared would end when they left the camp at the end of that summer.

Doug and Sally sat on the sandy bank of the pond, his arm wrapped around her shoulders, her head resting on his chest, listening to his heart beat in between breaths of the future.

It was December 2008 in Central Pennsylvania.

I was on the phone with my grandparents, Doug and Sally, who were driving down from New York to attend my graduation at Penn State University.

“How’s the drive going, Grandma?”

“Oh, it’s getting a little sloppy out. Snow and slush. But we’re doing okay.”

There was a snow storm threatening the entire weekend: it had already dumped several inches on us the night before, three to five more inches were expected tonight and tomorrow, and then up to another foot of snow plus ice and wind on Sunday. Mother Nature always finds a way to make things interesting.

“You guys drive safely and I’ll see you when you get here.”

“Yeah, well, Papa’s driving so we’ll be okay.” An explanation that they were driving down to Penn State for my graduation followed a drawn out yeah. Then this: “So how’s the weather down there in North Carolina?”

I heard Papa yell from the driver’s seat. “Sally, that’s where Erin lives, not Kate!”

For as long as I could remember, my mom has been an administrator at various nursing homes. She was good at what she did: her boss would move her around to nursing homes that needed help getting back to state code. If there wasn’t a dementia floor, then she created one. She knew just about all there was to know about dementia and Alzheimer’s disease and because of this, she admitted Grandma Aunt Claire, my grandfather’s sister, into her nursing home when she was diagnosed.

Visiting Grandma Aunt Claire before she died two years before this taught me how to deal with people with dementia, how to act when they are confused, scared, mad, and what to say. When they make a mistake of identity, confuse you for someone else, try to correct them in a way so that they don’t feel bad about it. Dementia patients often get embarrassed when they don’t know or remember something that they should, like they’re granddaughters’ names. I told Grandma that I was sure Erin, my sister, would be glad to tell her what the weather was like, but I’m in Pennsylvania. Though I’m sure it was much warmer down there than it was here.

This was the first time that I saw her start to show signs. The first time that I knew. She had always mixed up our names and would go through the list until she reached the right one: Loie Lisbeth Lauren Erin Kate, sometimes even throwing a dog’s name in the mix. When she forgot our birthdays and apologized a month or two later, we learned to just go with it. This was how Grandma Blakelock was and we loved her anyways. But she never mixed up who we were. She always knew who I was even if she forgot my name, until now.

I knew the different stages and signs; I also knew that it progressed at different rates for different people. How soon would it be before she was at the next stage? When will she become more than just “our crazy forgetful Grandma”? Of course, she had always been that, pretty much. But now I knew that it wasn’t just old-age forgetfulness; it was Alzheimer’s disease. For Grandma Aunt Claire, it progressed pretty quickly: within months she was already in the late stages and my mom just tried to keep her happy, letting her smoke outside the building and giving her a drink at night before bed, just like she had always had. Is it going to be that fast or slower and drawn out like her thoughts surely were now? How long had it been going on before this? I felt a little bit of my heart break as I thought how hard this was going to be on me, Mom, Grandma, but worse, Papa. He just went through this with his sister, and now he has to do it again with his wife, his world, his love. My heart broke for him.

My grandmother’s dementia stayed like that for years. I never knew who I was going to be – every time I visited her I was someone different. One time I was myself, the next I was my mom. One time my aunt, the next my great aunt. My sister, then my cousin. I accepted that this was how it was going to be – that’s how it was with Grandma Aunt Claire. I’d rather be whoever she thought I was, instead of her not knowing who I was at all.

It was 1953 in Upstate New York.

Sally was on the phone, sitting in a white slip, her lips painted red, her sleek hair pulled back in a bun. It was her wedding day.

Doug was being drafted in the war. Sally told him that he wasn’t going to go to war and leave her un-married and without any kids.

Doug asked, “What about nursing school? You wanted to be a nurse. You loved it.”

“I’d give that up in a heartbeat for you. I loved nursing school, and helping people, yeah. But I love you more.”

Sally was on the phone with her sister. Bobbie was trying to boycott the wedding. She didn’t agree with Sally giving up her dream so soon. Sally tried to reason with her:

“You don’t get it, Bobbi. I love Doug. I want to be his wife and have his kids. I want to be a family with him. He has to go off to war, so it has to be now. Dreams are for dreaming about, life is for living.”

Though she didn’t agree with her decision and would never forgive Sally for abandoning her dream, Bobbi went to Doug and Sally’s wedding. Sally was a beautiful bride, of course. Doug was as handsome as ever. They looked like the perfect couple and were madly in love.

Nine months later, their first of five children, Douglas, was born. Doug went into basic training but was discharged before he saw any action; his mother was sick. He returned home to care for her and his family.

It was 2010 near Albany, New York, my mom’s house.

“Kate, we need to talk.” Mom said this in the tone that is only ever followed by bad news. This was what she said before she told me that Erin had a brain tumor, when Grandpa Cobb was diagnosed with cancer, when he died, and when Grandma Cobb died. Nothing good ever came from those words.

This time it was to tell me that Grandma Blakelock was officially diagnosed with dementia. I wasn’t sure how to react to this news. It wasn’t really news, of course. I already knew that Grandma had dementia; I’ve known this since my college graduation. Maybe I just wished that it wasn’t true all that time. Well, yes. I did wish that, of course. But was that why I didn’t know how to react? I was sad but I couldn’t cry. And the fact that I couldn’t cry really scared me. I never had a problem crying before; bad news always came with tears. Even just my mom saying I couldn’t go to a friend’s house made me cry when I was younger. But this moment didn’t. What was wrong with me? I don’t know.

My mom told me that Grandma was now in the next stage of Alzheimer’s disease. She was forgetting to pay their bills. For fifty-seven years she had always paid the bills, even after she retired from the State Police Department, she paid them with her and Papa’s retirement money. But now their heat, lights, and water were being turned off unless my mom intervened.

Later that night I called Grandma to chat. It was one of the rare times that their phones actually worked. It was only a short conversation but it was long enough for me to see.

“Hi, Grandma. It’s Kate.”

“Hi Sweetie. How’s things in North Carolina?”

“Erin can tell you that, I’m in New York with mom.”

“Oh.” A long pause followed by,” so how’s Jonathan?” Jonathan is my sister’s husband. I knew enough to not correct her too much, so I just went with it.

“Oh he’s good, I think.”

The difference here from other conversations was that her idea of who I was didn’t change. She knew my name was Kate, because I told her. But through the whole conversation (and it went on after this) she thought that I was my sister, it didn’t change

It was September 1985 and Doug and Sally’s doorbell rang.

Doug opened the door, Sally a step behind him, two men in crisp military uniforms were on the other side of the threshold.

“Is this the home of Mr. and Mrs. Blakelock?” the dark haired one asked.

Sally trembled and collapsed in tears. Doug answered in a shaky voice, “Yes, it is.” A lump formed in his throat, his breathing stopped for a second.

The two strangers looked down at their feet, took off their caps. The light-haired one spoke,

“I regret to inform you…”

“Stop. Don’t. Finish. That. Sentence.” Doug’s voice could barely form the words.

Their youngest son, Mark, was in the army – he was at basic training and the only one of their children who was in the service. They knew it had to be him, but couldn’t hear the words. It made it too real. They couldn’t handle it. How were they going to tell the other kids?

One of the uniformed men tried to speak again, but it didn’t work. Doug wouldn’t look them in the eyes. They put out their hands to shake his, but Doug just closed the front door, stepped back and embraced Sally. Doug and his wife sat on the stairs, in shock, crying, sobbing. They didn’t eat anything for the next day and a half, not knowing what to do now. There weren’t any classes or workshops on this kind of grieving, sure there are “support groups,” but how effective were they? Doug was never the type of person to go seek help, he could handle anything and everything God threw at him, he thought.

It was 2011; I was in my first semester of graduate school in Idaho and talking to my mom who now lived in North Carolina on the phone.

“So, how are Grandma and Papa?”

“They’re doing okay. They’re not eating enough and Papa keeps sending in money to these scam contests, giving away half of their money. I went to see them last weekend, brought Grandma some disposable underwear, she refuses to wear them right now, but at least she has them. I tried to convince Papa to stop the contests, but of course he won’t listen. We all get our stubbornness from him. And Grandma stopped taking her blood-pressure medicine.”

“So what do we do now?”

“Well, all we can do is just be there for them. And give them the help when they’re ready to ask for it. You know that we can’t push them. They won’t do anything they don’t want to.”

And that was the next stage: not taking needed meds and incontinence.

I guess, maybe, I should be happy that it’s taken this long to advance. I should be glad that it’s slowly progressing, a year for each stage. But I find it hard seeing a lot of good in any of this. Maybe because it means I’ve got more time with her. Is it really worth it, though?

It was 1995 and back in Upstate New York.

Doug and Sally were in yet another fight. It doesn’t matter what they were fighting about, just that they were fighting again. Sally stormed out of the house. This wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last, either. She always had a bag ready near the backdoor.

Doug watched her drive away. He could have chased after her, like he did so many times before, but he knew it would be a waste of energy. Sally would ignore him, go to her friend, Barbara’s house, and then come back to him after a day or two.

They fought so much that Doug and Sally didn’t know what they were fighting about anymore. They just always got on each other’s nerves, down each other’s throats. But they always made up.

It was March 2013 and Mom was telling me about the fight that she and Aunt Lisbeth had with Uncle Paul:

“It all started when he got meals on wheels for Grandma and Papa, which is great, but Uncle Paul didn’t tell anyone when he scheduled it. So we had to figure out all the details and make sure that Aunt Lisbeth could be there when it happened. You know how Papa is.”

“Yeah, he’d totally flip out if some stranger showed up, even if it was to help them.”

“Yeah, so we had to figure out all the details. Well, we did and everything went well, it’s all set up. But Uncle Paul blew everything out of proportion, like he always does. He said we went behind his back, which we had to since he wouldn’t answer the phone. Last time I was up there and went to Uncle Paul’s; he had to sign bank papers, and he flipped out, started yelling nasty stuff at me.

‘If you didn’t move down to North Carolina to raise your granddaughter because you think that no one else can do it, then you’d be here to take care of them.’”

Listening to this, I pushed my own tears back. I vaguely remembered what it was like when Erin had her tumor. I remembered what it was like when were at Julie Blair; there was so much stress at that nursing home that none of us were getting any sleep and because of that we were always sick. My mom though, her arthritis was always bad, and the only thing that could fix it was hip replacements. She couldn’t take time off for these surgeries, even though she was the boss. They wouldn’t even let her take one day off—not even Christmas day—without calling her on the phone. I knew that Cora, my niece, was the reason why she moved when she did, but not the main reason why she moved in the first place.

My mom continued recounting the fight with Uncle Paul, “Up until now, I had sucked it up, didn’t say anything hurtful, didn’t stoop down to his level. But when he said that I couldn’t take it anymore. I yelled back, ‘If you almost lost your daughter to brain cancer then you’d do the same thing, move to be closer – not to take care of Cora. You know that’s the real reason why I moved. And you know that my job was killing me up here.’ Then I left. As if that wasn’t bad enough, what he said to Aunt Lisbeth was worse. On her answering machine, he yelled she was as dead to him as his brother. Long story short, we’re not speaking to him now.”

I didn’t know what to think after this. I was furious and shocked that he would even think that, let alone say it out loud to her. Our family was always one family. Sure, there were fights; we didn’t always like each other. But everyone always made up.

It was 2009, Upstate New York.

Doug and Sally had another fight; it was the same as all the others, except for one thing.

This time when she was supposed to run away to Barbara’s house, she ended up at her son, Paul’s, house. Sally didn’t understand how it happened. She was on her way to Barbara’s house but ended up at Paul’s. She doesn’t remember what happened in the middle.

This was the first time that happened, but it wasn’t the last. This time Sally left in anger, and they were lucky she showed up where she did. The next time she just wandered off at the grocery store and ended up at the police station.

Doug was scared to death; he turned his back for one minute and she was gone.

It was November 2012, I was in New York on fall break—every year our family got together for Thanksgiving. Except this year, Uncle Paul wasn’t going to be there.

I went to Grandma and Papa’s house to help Mom out. It was worse than I thought. The floor was so sticky my shoes suctioned with every step. The sink was overflowing with dirty dishes that had food caked on. Last time I was here, the air was saturated with home-cooking and Grandma’s blueberry cobbler. This time it was the smell of urine. To see all of this, it broke my heart. I couldn’t believe that they were living like this, that Papa would allow it. But what broke my heart even more was seeing the condition that their bodies were in. They were so skinny, too skinny, skin and bones. They ate one meal a day, sometimes not even. When I hugged them, I could feel their ribcages poking my stomach. Grandma hadn’t changed her clothes for two weeks and her pants were soaked through with urine. The house was freezing, they didn’t have the heat on or a fire in the wood stove and my guess was that it hadn’t been on in a while. They weren’t healthy at all. And then this happened:

I was sitting in their living room, and we were talking about life.

“Who are you?” Grandma asked, looking straight in my eyes; her face was more serious than I ever remembered seeing. At that moment, she really didn’t know who I was.

I could handle everything else: the house can, and will, be cleaned; her clothes can be washed and we can buy new ones to replace the ones that are ruined; we can buy them enough groceries so that they’ll eat—this was why we were here. But this can’t be fixed. There is no cure for Alzheimer’s disease. Sure, there are drugs that can slow the progress down, but so far Papa wouldn’t let Grandma take any. And would it really be worth it? What would you do if your Grandma didn’t know who you are?

It was early December 2012, Doug and Sally fell asleep in bed talking about Thanksgiving at Lisbeth’s the week before. Doug was trying to remind Sally of everyone who was there. Though, this proved to be more difficult than he thought because he couldn’t exactly remember who was and wasn’t there, either.

Sally fell asleep quickly, on the inside of the bed, her side. She meant to only roll over onto her other side, but the roll went farther and she fell between the bed and the wall. She was stuck and then she suddenly remembered that she was claustrophobic. Sally screamed.

Doug woke with a jump. He scrambled to get up and tried to save Sally, but couldn’t reach her from the bed. Doug pulled the top mattress off and propped it against the doorframe. He thought that if he crossed the box springs lightly enough he could reach her. But it didn’t work like that and he got stuck too.

Lisbeth tried calling them several times but no one answered the phone. Worried that something happened to them, she made the hour drive to their house. She had to use her key to get in and then heard Doug’s yells come from upstairs.

Doug was stuck in the box springs – with no pants on. Sally was still stuck next to the wall in her nightgown. After helping get both Doug and Sally free, Lisbeth called 911; when the paramedics got to the house, they said that Sally had a heart attack. The doctors at the hospital thought she also had broken her hip.

Loie came up the next day from North Carolina and when she and Lisbeth arrived at the house from the hospital, Doug was slumped over on the floor and couldn’t respond to their questions. 911 was called again.

After years of trying to convince Doug that he needed help, it took him almost losing his wife for him to finally realize he couldn’t do it alone. Hell, he couldn’t even tell the paramedics how long they were stuck like that for. Sometimes you need help, even if you don’t want it.

So he agreed that Sally would go down to Loie’s nursing home for rehab, and he would follow them after he was released from the hospital.

Sally weighed 115 lbs. and Doug weighed 210 lbs.

It was January 2013; I was in North Carolina, home on Christmas break.

Sitting in Grandma’s room at the nursing home, we were looking at old photo albums. Papa looked at Mom, “Where’s Mark?”

The room fell silent; I felt like I was transplanted in a scene from someone else’s life. I glanced at Mom, tears ran down her face. She gulped air, her lips trembled.

“Well, Dad. Mark was killed, remember?”

Tears started to run down his face.

“Oh.” He looked at me, ashamed of not remembering this about his own son. “Yeah, I remember that. I just don’t remember how he died.” He lied.

“Uh, it was in a car accident.” That was all Mom was able to say. She couldn’t say that it was the night before he was going off to fight in war. She couldn’t say that he was drunk when it happened and he thought it would be fun to play chicken with his car. She couldn’t say he died instantly, while his best friend lived.

“Yeah, that’s right. I remember that.” Grandma agreed with Mom’s story. Whether she actually remembered this or not was a different story.

We all were shaken up by this, it was completely unexpected. We were used to Grandma, but not ready for Papa to be like this already. He would never admit it out loud, but it killed him on the inside that he didn’t remember Mark was killed, even if it was just for that moment.

Twenty minutes later, Mom was getting Grandma and Papa milk. A nurse came into the room to check on them. Papa showed her a black and white picture of a young Grandma. She was in her nurses uniform, sitting on a stool with her back straight, her head tilted toward the camera a tad with her eyes looking over her shoulder at the person behind the camera. Her hair held tightly in a bun hiding underneath the cap. Her skin was flawless. Her smile spread warmth of joy and happiness to her cheeks and eyes. It’s the same smile that she smiles today; the same smile that brightens the room.

“This was my wife, Sally. This was her.”

“Who? Me? We’re married?” Grandma forgot her own husband.

Walking Papa back to his room, he said this:

“Seeing her like this breaks my heart. Every day I pray to God that I could just get my wife back. I just want her back. She’s not there anymore.”

“She’s still in there, Papa. Somewhere Grandma is still there. You remember what happened with Grandma Aunt Claire? Remember how we just had to be there for her, no matter who she thought we were or she was? Well, we have to do the same thing for Grandma. She needs you right now more than ever. You can’t give up on her, you have to love her. We need to love her. For better or for worse.”

“It’s just not fair. Why me? Why her? Why?” He begged for answers that I couldn’t give.

“I know it’s not fair that you have to go through this again. But there’s nothing you can do about it. You love Grandma, you always have, continue that love, she needs it.”

“Yeah. You’re right.” Papa said with a shaky voice.

We hugged and I felt a tear drop on my shoulder. I thought: when I go back to school, who knows what will happen. What if she doesn’t know me, even after we tell her who I am and what my name is? I reminded myself that I just have to be there for her, as best as I can.

It is September 19, 2013.

Doug and Sally are in North Carolina – today they celebrate their Sixtieth Wedding Anniversary. They don’t know it yet, but all of their children, and some grandchildren will be driving down to help them celebrate this weekend. Loie, their oldest daughter, and my mother, didn’t tell Doug mostly because she wanted it to be a surprise for them, but also because she knew she’d have to remind him several times before Saturday. Sally will need to be reminded who each person is, a couple times, and why they are there. After they remind her of their name and relation to her, she will act like she remembers them perfectly well; however, she will be secretly embarrassed that she didn’t remember this. For Sally and Doug it will be a great celebration, a rare and happy time when all of their children will be together – this usually only happens on Thanksgiving each year. For the children: Doug, Loie, Paul and Lisbeth it will be a bittersweet celebration. They will be happy to all be together and celebrating a milestone event for their parents, but they also will be thinking that it is probably going to be the last anniversary that their parents spend together alive.

I am Idaho, now in my final year of graduate school. Tonight I am walking in the Walk to End Alzheimer’s event. At the registration table, I can only sign in – I was not able to donate the hundred dollars to get an “End Alzheimer’s” shirt because the money that would have gone there had to go to help my mother take care of my grandparents.

I walk up to the “Flower booth” where they have fake windmill flowers, each color represents something different. The blue signals that you have been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease or a form of dementia. The yellow signals to others that you are a caretaker or supporter of someone with AD or dementia. The purple signals that you have lost a loved one to AD or dementia. The orange signals that you support the cause to End Alzheimer’s Disease and wish to see a world without it.

After explaining the different colors to me, the gentleman at the booth asks me what color am I there for.

I chuckle a little, and tell Mick that I am just about every color except for the blue and that might very well be in my future.

He smiles back at me and nods. I tell him of our family’s history with Alzheimer’s: how my mom has been an administrator at Nursing homes for as long as I can remember and has been dedicated to this disease even before my grandparents were diagnosed; how I have lost a Great Aunt to AD and now both of my grandparents have it – also how this is a bittersweet day and coincidence that I am walking for them on their Sixtieth Anniversary and show him the picture of them that I have brought along with me. Mick smiles again in understanding.

I choose a Yellow flower to signal the current fight and today’s reason for walking - for my grandparents and we begin to walk the Palouse hills, a sea of Purple (the color representing AD) spreads from Pullman, Washington to Moscow, Idaho. My mind drifts back to North Carolina and I wonder if my Grandfather even remembers that today is his anniversary. Then I try to imagine what it might be like on the day that I will walk with a blue flower; I have to look away from the woman I am walking next to so that she doesn’t see the tears that start to roll down my face.

Why does my Grandfather need to tell me these stories over and over again? Is it because he forgets that he tells them to me or is it something more? Does he tell these stories to try to regain what has been lost? Maybe him telling these stories is re-affirmation of his own identity. Maybe he thinks that if he doesn’t keep telling these then they will be lost, and after he is gone, he will be lost with them. Maybe the fear of mortality drives him to write his own story in our heads, minds, and hearts. Maybe he tells himself, and us, stories in order to survive.

A to Z Challenge - K and L

2014-04-14T22:24:00.001-07:00

A to Z Challenge -

Catching up again (and always):

Kevin Costner... so good!

That is all

Tonight is L, L is for:

Leonardo DiCaprio

And Young Leo:

Give me your nominees!

Come back tomorrow for M!

A to Z Challenge - J (from yesterday)

2014-04-12T08:24:00.001-07:00

(Catching up from yesterday) A to Z challenge

If you know my obsessions, then you'll know exactly who I pick for J, though there are so many great choices!

Jonathon Rhys Meyers

Match Point

Velvet Goldmine

Mortal Instruments

Bend it Like Beckham

August Rush

August Rush - JRM singing - That's really him singing...

August Rush - Dueling Guitars - and his Irish accent, drool

The Tudors

Dracula

Okay, maybe I went a little overboard on the pictures... but look at the man - how could I not?! He makes me swoon!

Honorable Mentions: Joe Manganiello, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, John Stamos, Johnny Depp, Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki, (Me from middle school would nominate John Travolta), (me from elementary school would nominate Jonathan Brandis), Josh Turner, Jake Owen

okay I'm done. Who's your nominee?

Come back later for K!

A to Z Challenge - I

2014-04-10T15:25:00.000-07:00

(From Yesterday): A to Z Challenge -

There's only one name that comes to my mind for I -

Ian Somerhalder - aka Damon Salvatore, aka so much Yum!

He's just adorable and sexy and hot, and the smolder that he does ... god!

Those Blue Eyes sink right in me... I'm Toast.

Who would you nominate for I?

A to Z Challenge - H

2014-04-08T20:41:00.000-07:00

A to Z Challenge -

Today's letter is H!

Today is submit Henry Cavill :) He's so dreamy... seriously the dude is.

Plus he was on one of my favorite shows as Charles Brandon - so handsome.

And he did this...

OH AND HE'S SUPERMAN!

Who would you nominate for H?

Come back tomorrow for I? ha

A to Z Challenge - F and G

2014-04-07T22:31:00.001-07:00

A to Z challenge - F and G today - catching up from the craziness of yesterday.

F is for Frank Sinatra - one of my dead man crushes/boyfriends

The man that created Swag! Love me some Frank!

Who doesn't love that man? Frank Sinatra at Royal Hall

(And this reminds me that I need to add Dean Martin to the D list...)

Okay Now for G:

This is a tricky one... there are lots of good choices... as much as I love my man Gary "Leo" Taylor ... I think I have to go with Gerard Butler ... he's just YUM!

The eyes, the face, the accent and the muscles...

Honorable mention: Gary "Leo" Taylor, Gary Barlow, and George Clooney.

Who would you nominate for F and G?

Come back tomorrow for H!

A to Z Challenge - E

2014-04-05T20:32:00.003-07:00

A to Z Challenge - Today was brought to you by the letter E!

Today I nominate a Wild Card - Emile Hirsch.
Don't feel bad if you don't know his name, I didn't either. But I looked him up and found out he was in Into the Wild (great book!), Lords of Dogtown, and Lone Survivor - I haven't seen any of these movies, but I'm sure some of you have seen at least one.

Also this picture:

Honorable Mention:

Ed Westwick, Enrique Inglesias, and Elijah Wood

Who would you nominate for E?

Come back tomorrow to see who I nominate for F!

A to Z Challenge - D

2014-04-04T20:46:00.003-07:00

A to Z Challenge - Today's Letter is D

Today is an easy decision - the beautiful, David Gandy...

The man is just perfection. The only hard part about today was choosing which picture to put up. I could go on and on about Gandy ... But I'll just let his blue eyes and perfectly chiseled body do the talking.

Love David too? What's your favorite Gandy picture?

Who would you have nominated for D?

Honorable Mentions: David Nail, Daniel Craig, and David Beckman

Come back tomorrow for E!

A to Z Challenge - C

2014-04-03T21:01:00.000-07:00

Today's letter is C ....

And I nominate Charlie Hunnam as today's feature Man Candy.

That is all I have to say...

Who would you nominate for C?

Come back tomorrow for my selection for D!

A to Z Challenge

2014-04-02T21:54:00.004-07:00

Okay Folks. So since my computer crashed Monday and I was in the middle of crazy thesis edits (still am but taking a break before bed for you!), I'm catching up on the A to Z Challenge now.
So without further ado - here are my first two letters!

A if for Adam Levine :)

The World's Sexiest Man!

I don't know how you could have A-Z of Man Candy/Fictional Boyfriends without starting with Adam Levine for your "A". It's just not possible!

So it wouldn't be fair if said that I first fell in love with Adam in high school, because I loved Maroon 5 then. Yeah, he's the lead singer of Maroon 5, but he isn't Maroon 5 solely. He's so much more! I fell in love with his cuteness, sexiness, hotness watching The Voice.

And of course, now Adam has proved that he is more than just Maroon 5 - he's now a movie star! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTRCxOE7Xzc

Honorable mention for A: Alex Pettyfer, Alexander Skarsgard, and Ashley Taylor Dawson (he's a guy, not a girl, and a super hot guy too!)

B is for Blake Shelton

One of Adam's co-star's on The Voice - I fell even more in love with Blake watching the voice all these years. Though I loved him before that, he was the main reason why I started watching the show, now I love it.

Blake - the country boy/cowboy/"Giant" (as Adam calls him) is amazing in concert too, saw him several years ago and didn't want to leave. Seems like an awesome guy to hang with!

Honorable mention for B: Billy Currington, Bradley Cooper, and Brad Paisley

Comment below with who you would've chosen!

Come back tomorrow for C!

March Madness with Fictional Boyfriends

2014-03-15T21:47:00.003-07:00

March Madness with Fictional Boyfriends
Similar to what I did for 25 Days of Christmas, we're doing March Madness of Fictional Boyfriends - the difference is you'll be choosing who goes up in each round! So message me, email me, or comment below with all your favorite fictional boyfriends (Books, TV, movies, heck let's throw in music too!) - they'll be split into different categories. My March Madness won't actually start until April, since I just thought of this and want to give everyone ample time to send in entries! Names, pictures, and why you love them would be awesome! Ready, Set, Go!

Dracula ...

2014-01-12T11:59:00.000-08:00

"His face was strong - a very strong - aquiline, with his bridge of the thin nose and peculiarly arched nostrils; with lofty domed forehead, and hair growing scantily round the temples, but profusely elsewhere. His eyebrows were very massive, almost meeting over the nose, and with bushy hair that seemed to curl in its own profusion. The mouth, so far as I could see it under the heavy mustache, peculiarly sharp white teeth; these protruded over the lips, whose remarkable ruddiness showed astonishing vitality in a man of his years [...] The general effect was one of extraordinary pallor." (23).
This was the first physical description of Dracula that we get in Stoker's novel - if memory serves me right, I believe it was from Jonathan Harker. And yet, I am sucked (pun might be intended) in immediately! Like Mina says in the TV series, there is just something about him that draws me in that I can't resist. I can't really explain it. I am completely obsessed with everything Dracula - both the novel and the new TV series, for different reasons, I think.
With the novel, it could be the writing - it's so clear and descriptive, enchanting, haunting, - pick your adjective. For me it is everything and I am addicted. I wish that I had the time to read it all in one sitting. Most of the time, I push past just one chapter a night and end up reading at least two. I feel all the emotions that the characters do. When the men went into Dracula's house, my heart thumped loudly and fast with every turn they took. When they were in the cathedral and Harker and Arthur thought they saw him for just a moment - I held my breath. I am probably 3/4 of the way through the novel (that I got for Christmas) and though I'm addicted to it and can't put it down, I also don't want it to end. It will definitely be a book that I read more than once ... Sometimes I find that the "classics" aren't my taste, aren't all that they are said to be, but Dracula is not one of those. It is everything and more!
The TV show: This also has me addicted but it feels different than the novel, perhaps (strangely) I'm not as addicted to the show as the novel. I still have to watch it every week and am usually haunted by it that night. But it's just then. When I first started watching it, I wasn't sure how I felt. Don't get me wrong - I love Jonathon Rhys Meyers (JRM) - I am obsessed with him! But that fake American accent, making Dracula "America" ... I wasn't totally feeling it at first. But I think I've gotten past it. JRM totally works as Dracula for me. He has that allure, that draw, that I can't resist. Those eyes - totally Dracula eyes! So gorgeous, intense, burning. I can feel them looking right through me. They are so alive. Just as I had pictures Dracula's eyes to be - the only part that is truly alive on the King of the Living Dead.
Comparing/Contrasting the two:
When I first started reading the novel, I naturally tried to compare it to the TV (or vice verse). But I think it's impossible, I don't think the Dracula show is meant to be compared to the novel. It's the same characters yes, but different plot line (so far) and just too different to believe that they are the "same." If that makes sense. In the show, Lucy is a lesbian and in love with Mina and in the novel she is bitten by Dracula fairly early and is undead for most of the novel. In the novel, there is no other character that Dracula portrays (at least where I'm at right now). All the characters know him as Dracula and hunt for him. In the TV show, he is also Alexander Gracen - the American - and there is a separate hunt for Dracula. In the novel, we don't get any thing of Gracen/Dracula's love interest for Mina/his wife. But in the TV show, it is one of the main plot lines. Novel - Jonathan Harker worked for Dracula, in TV show - he works for Gracen.
Characters:
In the novel, I am drawn to Mina and Dracula - but separately and for different reasons, of course. I am drawn to Mina's character, feelings, thoughts ... I love when we read from her diary, that closeness, intimacy we get from her - that we don't get much of in the TV show. I also believe the love between Mina and Jonathan more in the novel than I do in the TV show. When it comes to Dracula in the novel, I am drawn to his actions. What will Dracula do next?!
The TV show, I am drawn to EVERYTHING about Dracula/Gracen! I can't get enough of him. I think I prefer the regal, strong, Renfield in the show over the insane, insect eating Renfield in the novel. I can't get past that...
Anyways, that's enough (for now). Now time for pictures...

This picture - above- is the picture on my lock screen of my phone... yeah I see that ALL THE TIME!

Dracula/Gracen and Harker...

Yup, Harker is way sexier on TV then in the novel!

Day 5: Fictional Boyfriend - Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca

2013-12-05T21:56:00.003-08:00

Today's Fictional Boyfriend is Rick Blaine from Casablanca ... The Unexpected Hero - Humphrey Bogart

I mean seriously all that needs to be said is watch this - We'll Always Have Paris
Here's looking at you, Kid. That final scene says it all... gut-wrenching if you ask me!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLU41jUnWM4
And I love this video - and Absolutely LOVE the song! As Time Goes By

And if you haven't gotten enough of Humphrey Bogart here ... watch this Documentary... <3 All you'd ever want to know about Humphrey Bogart

He's like the definition of the understated Handsome guy... And I love him...

SHADOWBOXER

2013-12-04T08:40:00.004-08:00

Today's blog is dedicated to my friend, Cari Quinn's new book coming out in February 2014 - SHADOWBOXER!
This is exciting, this is the first time I'm part of a cover reveal and let me tell you - it is hot!!!!

Am I right? I can't wait to read the book with the cover looking that hot! Hot Damn Designs did a fabulous job on that cover.

So what is this book about you might be asking...

She's in for the fight of her life...with the man who only wants to be her lover.

Fighter Mia Anderson has faced the dark side of life and survived. But just getting by is no longer enough. To fund her new life with her baby sister, she’s determined to beat the reigning king of the male fighters in New York’s underground MMA circuit, Tray “Fox” Knox.

Tray refuses to fight a woman, until he learns Mia’s tougher than anyone he has ever known. He soon realizes he wants more from her than blows and blood, and he’s willing to hit below the belt to get it. He’ll fight her, but if he wins, she spends the night in his bed. All night long, his rules. No tapping out.

Mia agrees, certain that he’ll lose. What she doesn’t realize is that Tray loves to fight dirty…and that this match may end up being the most important one of their lives.

**A NOTE** No men actually hit any women in this book, in the ring or out.

Who is Cari Quinn?

Well this is her lovely face :)

USA Today bestselling author Cari Quinn wrote her first story—a bible parable—in 2nd grade, much to the delight of the nuns at her Catholic school. Once she saw the warm reception that first tale garnered, she was hooked. Now she gets to pen sexy romances for a living and routinely counts her lucky stars. When she’s not scribbling furiously, she can usually be found watching men’s college basketball, playing her music way too loud or causing trouble. Sometimes simultaneously.

Follow her everywhere... just stalk the hell out of her, you won't regret it!

Website: http ://cariquinn .com /

Facebook: https ://www .facebook .com /CariQuinnAuthor

Twitter: https ://twitter .com /CariQuinn

Goodreads: https ://www .goodreads .com /author /show /3372702.Cari _Quinn

Pinterest: http ://www .pinterest .com /cariquinnauthor /

Word Wenches: https ://www .facebook .com /groups/346424552124487/

(And the Word Wenches - OMG! If you like pictures of half naked men, sexy books - like Shadowboxer - and just general fun, you need to join this group! I've never had so much fun!)

What else can I say?

Oh! Duh! If you are dying to dig into this book - like I am, go here for an excerpt!!!!

And stay tuned for a link to buy the book!!!!

<3 you Cari!

Day 3 of 25 Days of Book Boyfriends!

2013-12-03T22:30:00.000-08:00

By request of my friend, Mal, today's Book Boyfriend is Mr. Rochester from Jane Eyre.
Mr. Rochester in a nutshell:
Mr. Rochester is stern-featured, heavy-browed, craggy-faced, rude, abrupt, horny, twice Jane’s age, always on the edge of violence, likes to order people around, keeps his wife locked in the attic, and teases Jane on at least one occasion until she cries. (schmoop.com)

I think if I had this image of Mr. Rochester when I first read the book ...

I would have enjoyed him much, much more! He's kind of a handsome devil there!

Then there was this guy, who looked more surely - like I imagined Mr. Rochester, but a bit younger than I imagined.

This guy also played Mr. Rochester in a later version:

Way better images than I imagined of the old, grumpy, creep...

This...

and this - Hot!

Yes, yes I do think you're handsome!

In the end, these guys won me over as a Mr. Rochester fan and now I will have to read the book over ...

Day 2 of 25 Days of Book Boyfriends!!!

2013-12-03T11:32:00.001-08:00

Day 2 of the 25 Days of Book Boyfriends goes to Mr. Rhett Butler from Gone with the Wind. I guess this counts as both book boyfriend and fictional boyfriend. I think more of Gary Cooper when I think of Rhett Butler, as is usual when a book is made into a movie.

If Mr. Darcy was the original Gentleman that all the ladies swooned after, whether from the start, like I did, or eventually, then Rhett Butler has to have been the original Ladies Man.

It seems that Rhett Butler was the creator of Charm and Swagger. I mean seriously - how could you not fall in love with this man?

And he got some of the best lines! Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

Then there was Drunk Rhett, and the kiss by the marvelous staircase! Rhett Butler is Drunk

And another unique marriage proposal from Rhett ... Rhett Butler proposes! - "Do any of your other fools kiss you like this?"

Clark Gable is just so dreamy...

25 Days of Book Boyfriends!

2013-12-01T20:32:00.002-08:00

Okay, so I'm changing things up this month and doing the 25 days (or probably more because once I start I just can't stop!) of Fictional Boyfriends. Why? Because I can, :)
So I'm trying to get it cued up with the Word Wenches FB group, until then I will be putting forth my own men/ideas...
Day 1: Mr. Darcy! The original!
Let's face it. What woman hasn't read Pride and Prejudice and fell for Mr. Darcy? I sure have, every single time I read that book!
Who didn't swoon when Mr. Darcy asked: "May I have the next dance, Ms. Bennett?" ?? I certainly did.
"Mr. Darcy, soon drew the attention of the room by his fine, tall person, handsome features, noble mien, and the report, which was in general circulation within five minutes after his entrance, of his having ten thousand a year. The gentlemen pronounced him to be a fine figure of a man, the ladies declared he was much handsomer than Mr. Bingley, and he was looked at with great admiration for about half the evening, till his manners gave a disgust which turned the tide of his popularity; for he was discovered to be proud, to be above his company, and above being pleased; and not all his large estate in Derbyshire could then save him from having a most forbidding, disagreeable countenance, and being unworthy to be compared with his friend." (11-12)
I don't know about you, but I was not fooled by this. I immediately fell for Mr. Darcy and was waiting with baited breath for him and Elizabeth to finally get together!

There have been many faces of Mr. Darcy through the years, but non are talked about as much as when Colin Firth played that oh so famous role.

And who could forget when Mr. Darcy strips?!

This guy also played Mr. Darcy in the version with Kiera Knightingly as Elizabeth Bennett

And Darcy's proposal to Lizzy ... heart wrenching! Mr. Darcy proposes - Only Mr. Darcy's proposal would turn into an argument like this.

But this was my favorite scene! Of course! They kiss!

And then there was this... A Modern Pride and Prejudice?

College Football Sundays!

2013-11-17T14:21:00.002-08:00

Okay not a lot to write here today...
Penn State won - so yay!!!!!!! So happy, ya'll know how happy a PSU win makes me...
Idaho had this week off, so well at least they didn't lose - just about all I can say about that, we play @ Florida State next week. Clearly whoever scheduled these games is not looking out for the kids, though they say they are... #BCSstompingground.
'Bama wins again... though they played horribly sloppy and only scored what 20 points or so? Still waiting for someone to clock them with a loss... :-/
The big victory of the weekend - Duke's win! I told my buddy Joe, watch out for Duke! They sneak in there and can pull off upsets without people even realizing what they just did until it's over. They beat VT earlier in the season, and now they beat Miami! Miami's wasn't a very big upset - they were ranked #24 I think. But anytime a not-ranked team wins against a ranked one it's a great day! Even better when it's Duke or a team like them!
I ALMOST enjoy watching college football more during seasons like this because then it doesn't really effect PSU at all.. but I also can't wait till they can play for Bowls again! :)

Dracula Saturdays

2013-11-16T12:05:00.003-08:00

I heard a rumor that they're going to be cancelling this show :( I hope that this isn't true. Rumor has it JRM has drinking problems, which makes me so so sad. His gaze, those eyes, go right through you, or at least me. He has that smolder look perfected!

He is such a good actor, now I base this only on The Tudors and now Dracula because that's all I've seen him in, but yeah. I think he's an excellent excellent actor - and that's aside from his dashingly good looks.
That look he gives Mina ... OMG! and that embrace .... whew! Set a girl's heart on fire!
No! You are smarter than that - don't go snooping around... always spells trouble!
The presence that he has --- just standing there --- is incredible. Chills!!!

that scene with the vampire hunter... Wow!
Wow! Those vampire hunters mean business. Kill a General and then make it look like suicide?!
"Some day, mad'am you'll realize I was never a player."
"Sometimes you have to sacrifice a knight, to capture a queen."
No! They've captured Renfield?!?! Oooooo Dracula is going to be PISSED!

Reign Fridays!

2013-11-15T11:46:00.001-08:00

I Love this "new" Francis and Mary - the happy, in love couple! Their so cute!!!!
I don't like this Olivia chick - She's going to cause a whole lot of trouble, just as things got calm and "normal" ... and she's out to ruin that relationship that I love between Mary and Francis!
No Francis! Don't do it!
The way Bash looks at Mary... wow! Intense! Wow!!!! That was hot!
Kissing and Francis sees them... Oh boy.
After reading further and further in to Gilt - about Queen Catherine Howard and King Henry VIII, the guy they chose to play Culpepper (Sebastian in Reign) is perfect!!!!!!
Wow - he gets hotter every show.... that is all.

The Voice Thursday

2013-11-14T22:47:00.001-08:00

I love that song Josh sang! The Man in the Mirror - Michael Jackson, it has always been one of my favorite MJ songs. I think Josh did a great rendition of it. It wasn't too different to the extent that it was a whole new song, but it was different enough that it was Josh's song. Loved it! He's one of my favorites!

Sometimes I feel like "America" only votes people through because of their age (or other determiners). Though this is not to discredit Jackie at all, she has a great voice. It was just a thought.

"Ray is sexy and you can't blame him for that." hahahaha Oh Blake. On that point though - he totally is. Ray's performance was soooooooo great! I love Ray, still my fav! I love their teasing of Blake too.

Tess-ann (Jamaican Girl) is still amazing. That is all.

Matthew's rendition of Hallelujah - Just Wow!

I still LOVE Will! He connects so much!

Results show:
The Ladies performance was sooo good! Loved it!

Cee-Lo's singing voice is just weird.... How is Kat walking in those shoes?! And I still don't understand Cee-Lo's outfits, is that a rope, dress, what?

I kind of like the idea of the Instant Save... But we'll see who it saves this week. Yikes! The results are crazy so far - as always!

Yay!!!! Tess-ann and Will are safe!

Ray's safe!!!!!!!!!!! Yes!!!!! Love him!!!!

Team Adam and Team Blake move on entirely - again, clearly they are the best coaches again!
Bottom 3: Josh - Team Xtina and Kat and Jonny - Team Cee Lo.
Jonny is good but sounds the same to me every week and that rocking thing is annoying.
I love Kat and Josh both, but if I had to choose I'd choose Kat...

Supernatural Wednesday!

2013-11-13T10:19:00.001-08:00

Supernatural this week:
Dean goes to Idaho! I'm waiting for you! ;)
Glad to have Cas back - well, kind of. He's definitely my favorite "side character"! Love Cas! And that vest... it's a good color on him ;)

"I failed at being an angel" - rip my heart, Cas!

Cas with the baby!

Ah! Crowley's back too! Love him too - also my favorite, okay second favorite, side character... He's so great!

"How does it feel, Crowley, to be the Winchesters' bitch?"
What is he doing with that needle - probably nothing good at all, because it's Crowley?!?!

Memory Monday and Hart of Dixie Tuesday!

2013-11-12T20:45:00.001-08:00

First - making up for last night - was busy MCing a dinner for about 300 people! Wow! What a great Veteran's Appreciation Dinner!
So because Monday was Veterans' Day - I will give a shout-out to a show that I grew to love over the years - MASH. I think I originally resisted it only because my dad watched it so much. But man, what a great show!!!!!

I mean what a great cast!

"Well boys, It's hard to call what we went through together fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together." Colonel Sherman T. Potter.
And what a way to capture this war...
I just can't say enough about MASH :) (Also - Colonel Potter looks a lot like our very own Lieutenant Colonel Dan Button here at UI, but Col. Potter is older, of course. ;) )

Now on to Hart of Dixie Tuesday!
George and What's her name just need to be a couple! All this dancing around it is annoying!
I still love Lavon Hayes and AB together - such a cute couple! :)
OMG - AB's parents, I'd probably go insane if mine did that! Although, it would probably be more like my Grandparents to do it and not my parents....
"I invented the compliment sandwich, Lady." haha Love Wade!

College Football Sundays!

2013-11-10T12:52:00.000-08:00

College Football Sunday -
So yesterday was an interesting day in college football.
Sadly, both my teams lost. Idaho put up a good first quarter... then forgot to play the rest of the game. Idk what happened with PSU, I couldn't watch the game but very disappointed. :(
LSU almost gave 'Bama a fight... Still waiting for someone to knock them down a peg!
Florida State completely blew away Wake Forest, as expected. Idaho plays @ Florida State soon - that'll be uh interesting... sigh.
How about Stanford beating Oregon?!?! And Nebraska beating Michigan?! Heck yeah! Love upsets, and of course anytime Michigan loses! :)
And what happened to Miami?! Blown away by Virginia Tech?! Really?!?! I think maybe they thought they'd roll over them and then Tech just rolled over them instead...
That's all I have to say for now...
PS - I love seeing my favorite PSU guys play in the NFL :) Once a Nittany Lion, always a Nittany Lion!

Dracula Saturdays!

2013-11-09T19:12:00.000-08:00

Wow - First, JRM in the dungeon with no shirt. yeah...

then him crawling across the bed and then what happened after that - that will be in my dreams tonight! And those tears... he always gets me when he cries. I have a soft spot for a man who shows his tears.
I love her yellow dress - I so want it!
"there are dreams you must fight for if you wish to push beyond the boundaries society has set for you."
That last scene with the guy that shot himself and the man (his dad?) coming in the room to find him like that?! WOW! It was a short scene, but so powerful! I won't be able to get outta my head.

Accent analysis: I think JRM's American accent is getting better, though there were still a couple moments where it was off. Still though, he's sexy enough I can just ignore it...