Cobrahelp

Understanding the Gay Community

2014-08-11T10:06:00.002-07:00

Some think all LGBT people are the same.

By Brand Doubell

I use the term gay inclusive. This isn't the only understanding of the word, some use it to refer only to male homosexuality, but my use of the term is also legitimate. For me the term expresses a unique aspect of the LGBT community. The term gay originally meant happy, carefree, or cheerful and in that definition I see something very important about gay people. The fact is that gay people are being discriminated against throughout the world and that binds then into a group with a very strong identity. Just like gay people struggle outside of the community; they are cheerful and carefree within the gay community.
Gay people share the same kind of problems. At first they struggle to understand what is going on within them, and then they realize that people reject others with the same issue, and then they have to decide how they are going to respond. They have to decide whether they are going to keep it a secret, whether they are going to live out their sexuality, whether they are going to share their secret with straight people, and who they are going to share it with. Gay people have to learn how to survive rejection, hate, and discrimination. They have to learn unique skills of meeting other gay people, understanding gay relationships, and friendship. The have to face the chance of being cut off from their friends and family - sometimes when they are still very young. Even finding information about yourself or others like you can be difficult. In the past it was even tougher. You couldn't surf the internet to find information, you had to find your information elsewhere, or you had nothing and nobody to turn to. These and other similarities between gay people bind them into an international family that straight people will not understand. Most of us have friends throughout the world because we have so much in common that it transcends borders and boundaries.
Unfortunately you also have to learn the hard way that similarities do not mean that you will always be friends with everybody in the community. Like all communities we are a diverse group of people with different faiths, personalities, philosophies, morals, ethics, social economic status, and tastes. Thinking that everybody within the community will have your best interest at heart is a serious mistake that have hurt many gay people. As usual your family can hurt you much more than strangers can and it is an eye-opener to realize that you also get gay serial killers, thieves, crooks, and criminals. Not everybody is your friend. Like young girls who were abused at home and left to find somebody that will look after them just to find the nearest pimp with empty promises; gay children also run away from the abuse at home just to run into a predator that do not really care about them. Humanity in its foulest form is also present in the gay community.
For some reason the media like to portray gay people as rich, white, gay men and strong, white, professional, rich gay women. This is but another stereotype. The gay community is just as diverse as the straight community. The community is even similar in the proportions of rich/poor, male/female, white/black or what ever other boundary you might think of.
Therefor it would be best if you do not see the gay community as all good or all promiscuous. They look and act just like straight people and the so-called gay community are just as varied. Just like everybody else we make friends that we can relate to and it wouldn't even necessarily be gay people we befriend.

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Coming Out - Does Everybody Need to Know?

2014-08-04T10:19:00.000-07:00

Do you have to tell everybody?

By Brand Doubell |

In the gay community there are a stigma clinging to closeted gay people. The fact that we stand together against homophobia or any other form of bigotry means that we expect everybody to keep to his/her guns. Almost something like: if you want our protection you should be out and proud about whom you are. If you are going to crawl back into the closet every time there might be danger on the front we can't trust you. I might be exaggerating a bit, but among some gay groups people feel really serious about this. Maybe it is a group thing - as a group we are stronger than as individuals and we need to know that you wouldn't run away.
This is not true in every case; the gay community understand the fear people have for that first coming out experience. We all had to take that first step and nobody forgets the courage it took. It isn't as if the community looks down on closeted gay people; they have a problem with those who come out, run back, come out just to run back yet again. If you are out, you are out for better or worse - you do not run back for every single stumbling block.
On the other hand coming out is a gradual thing. We all understand that you are not going to tell everybody that you are gay the moment you come out. You might start with your parents and if they are okay with it you might continue to tell the rest of your family. Later you might tell most of your friends, but it is possible that you feel scared to tell your boss - especially if you could lose your job over it. Coming out isn't a brainless act - if they are going to kill you for being gay, keep it to yourself.
That brings us to the actual question in the title of this article - is it really necessary to tell everybody? I purposefully exaggerated the gay community's feelings on people who are closeted in the first paragraphs of this article. I did that to make it clear that running back to the closet for every small thing isn't good for you or for the community, but yes I exaggerated. We all are closeted in front of certain people. It might be your old maths teacher, it might be you grandpa, or it might be your boss, but sometimes we just do not feel comfortable to express our sexual orientation in front of certain people. It is your right to decide with who you are going to share your intimate secrets. After all, your private life has nothing to do with other people and you may decide with whom you are going to share your preferences. In this regard you aren't running back to the closet - you are merely exercising your right of privacy.
Remember, just like you do not have to tell some bully that your father left your mother, you do not have to tell some homophobe that you are gay. There is no honor in being stupid. If telling someone is going to hurt you in some way; keep it to yourself.

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Friendship in the Lives of Gay Couples

2014-07-28T03:40:00.001-07:00

Friendship is important

By Brand Doubell |

Married people know that you have to choose your friends wisely. A couple whose relationship isn't very strong can be tiresome for strong loving couples. Two couples who aren't very strong in their commitment can be asking for trouble, while two couples with strong marriages could be live long friends. In the relationships among gay men there is one thing that lesbians and straight couples do not have - two predators in the same couple. I know it is a bit of a stereotype to think that men are always the proverbial predators, but for some reason we do get that impression in therapy - therapy with many gay couples. A couple with two men often just have too much testosterone for its own good. If you want your relationship to last, you will have to be very careful in choosing your friends.
Among the girls this issue doesn't occur often, but it does occur. The girls don't have testosterone problems, but hitting on another girl's girlfriend is a problem among lesbians as well. I have to add that straight people shouldn't think it has something to do with the fact that our relationships are "unnatural" as they love to put it. This isn't something that only happens among gay folk, even though the conservative right might like to think so. It is also not something that only happens among liberals or non-religious people. Conservatives might be against swinging, but improper affairs aren't unknown among them. I will refrain from proving my point; it's hardly in my nature to throw stones at anybody.
The problem with the boys and the girls that struggle to keep it in their pants has led some gay couples to the point where lesbian couples befriend gay male couples. The same argument leads others to the idea that gay couples are the safest if they are friends with straight couples. Two lesbians do not have to fear that gay boys are going to meddle in their relationship and they do not have to fear that a straight couple would interfere in their relationship.
Unfortunately all these safety tips do not always work. For some reason it happens from time to time that a so-called straight guy that was happily married to a girl walks away with a gay guy, a lesbian, or another straight girl. Life can be terribly unpredictable. The beat safety tip is therefor to work on your relationship, to communicate regularly, and to make sure that your lover is happy. I have never believed that a third person breaks up a relationship - a third person walks away with your lover because your relationship was already broken.
The fact is that relationships do not always last for ever and it doesn't have to be one person's fault. Just like a relationship is between two people, it takes two people to make it work, and it takes two people to break it up. Gay relationships aren't any different - you need to work on them if you want them to survive.
As for friendship - it is one of the biggest blessings in life, but it can be a curse if your friendship shatters your closest relationship. It is just not worth it if it destroys your most precious relationship, but if it does, it wasn't meant to last for ever and that is part of the reality of life.

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Twelve Myths About Lesbians and Their Relationships

2014-07-23T08:38:00.002-07:00

Myths play a large role in our lives

By Brand Doubell |

People use stereotypical garbage to colour their picture of any group they do not belong to. In this case the lesbian community is no exception. Most of the things people believe about lesbians are a fabrication. In a previous article I wrote about the fabrications about gay men; some of those fabrications goes for lesbians as well, but there are a few unique lesbian myths.

Lesbians want to be men.

The fact that lesbians are attracted to their own gender doesn't mean that they want to be men. People who want to change to another gender are transsexuals. Not all lesbians are butch and even though they are butch it doesn't mean that they have any inclination to change their gender.

Lesbians does not look the same, some are butch and others feminine.

People think you will know a lesbian if you see one. That is one of the biggest mistake they make. Not all butch women are lesbians, some are straight, and not all lesbians are butch, some are just as feminine as any straight woman.

Lesbians hate men.

Lesbians are sexually attracted to women, but they do not necessarily hate men. In fact in most cases lesbians have many male friends. The fact that both straight men and lesbians are attracted to woman means they have a common interest that makes friendship between them easy to understand.

All a lesbian needs is the right man, and then she will turn straight.

The idea that sexual orientation is a choice is the basis for many myths. One of these is the myth that a lesbian just need to have sex with a man to change her sexuality.

Being a lesbian is a choice

This is yet another myth that is based on the idea that sexual orientation is changeable. Many straight men overestimate their power of seduction. You will not turn a lesbian straight with your almighty powers; she isn't interested so get over it.

You have to have sex with a woman to know that you are a lesbian.

Do straight people have to have sex before they know what attracts them sexually? Off course not, the sexual desires within you are very clear long before your first sexual experience and lesbians are not an exception to that rule.

Lesbian relationships are always just about sex.

For some reason people guess wrong about things similar and things dissimilar between homosexual and straight relationships. Just like straight relationships they can sometimes only be about sex, and they sometimes can be about everything in any other relationship. People are not the same, but in most cases homosexual relationships are normal relationships with but one exception - the partners have the same gender.

Lesbians are attracted to all women.

Are straight men attracted to all women? Definitely not, and it is also not true about lesbians. In the straight community people talk about chemicals; sometimes its there and sometimes it just isn't. In homosexual relationships it works exactly the same.

One partner is the "man" and one the "woman"

This is one of the examples of a dissimilar aspect of lesbian relationships. The question is what you see as the "manly" role? Is the man always the aggressive one, the strong one, the sexual top, the handyman, or the decision-maker? No, these roles are interchangeable in any homosexual relationship. In fact, it isn't totally dissimilar to straight relationships because sometimes you see the same thing in them.

Lesbians are by nature irreligious or non-spiritual.

The fact that most religious fanatics hate homosexuals doesn't mean that most homosexuals hate religion. All people are spiritual beings and most people are religious. Like someone once said, I don't have a problem with Jesus, I have a problem with idiots like you who claims him for your own perspective. Another smart person once said, the moment you realize that God feels the same as you about everything, you should realize that you created him in your image.

Lesbians were damaged as children. Either they had a too weak father or a too strong mother

Lesbians have brothers and sisters who are straight. If the problem was with their upbringing all their brothers and sisters would've been gay. Many homosexuals had a close to perfect childhood and research hasn't showed a single example of parenthood that caused all children to be gay.

Lesbian relationships do not last very long.

Most marriages, straight or gay, don't last and being heterosexual doesn't help. As in the case of straight marriages/long-term relationships, many lesbians have been in the same relationship for a lifetime. The fact that they were not allowed to get married or have a public relationship are the two reasons why you do not know about them.Debunking the myths is important to show straight people who homosexuals are, and that they are not that different from anybody else.

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The Rejected Gay Child - What to Do If You're Parents Do Not Accept You

2014-07-22T09:21:00.003-07:00

Coming out can be pretty painful

By Brand Doubell |

A child saying that he/she is gay is equivalent to a teenage daughter saying she is pregnant or a son saying he has made a girl pregnant. Parent's first reaction is normally shock, but shock isn't a problem. I remember the day I had to call my father to tell him that I totalled his car. He drove to the accident scene, swore at me, and drove away - that was shock. After ten minutes he drove back to the scene, hugged me and told me he was glad that I wasn't hurt badly - that was love. If you tell your parents that you are gay, they might be shocked, but that doesn't mean they will reject you. This shock could be over in minutes, hours, days, or even weeks, but in time we get over our shock and move on.
The example above isn't what I would like to discuss. Sometimes parents are shocked to hear that you are gay, and then the shock goes over in disgust, anger, rejection, or even hate. Unfortunately research suggests that roughly 50% of the parents of gay children reject them. That is 50% in the so-called more tolerant societies in places like Europe, America, Australia, and South Africa. That means 50% of our gay kids are being rejected by their own parents and some researchers suggests that half of them are banned from their own homes. That goes to show that this isn't a matter to be taken lightly - it is a real problem. Society should help us in this unfair situation, but here I can only offer advice.

Nothing gives you more pain than being rejected by someone you love. All adults know what it feels like if a boyfriend or girlfriend breaks you heart, and yet nothing can compare with the pain of being rejected by your own mother, father, or both. Just like other forms of rejection this one also gets better. Unfortunately time is the only medicine for this pain and there is no way to shorten the time it will take.

What you need is friends that know how you feel, and the ones that went through the same pain are the ones who really understand. Let them be your family in place of the family who should have supported you. Having support-group is one of the best ways to deal with any kind of pain or trauma.

The fact that your parents reject you does not mean that your whole family will reject you. You might be amazed by the ones who accept you; often it is the person you least expected to understand. I know many gay people who were supported by brothers, sisters, grandparents, cousins, or uncles instead of their parents. In some cases these other family members were the ones who persuaded the parents that they were wrong. Somewhere in your family there will be at least one person who isn't blinded by outdated ideas.

In most of the areas within the tolerant societies I mentioned above there are gay community centers that can help you with information, support, programmes, and the names of people who know what you are going through. If there isn't such a center near you there will always be Google. There are many websites available online that can help you or advise you on support-groups in your area. Obviously there are those who charge money for this service, but many of us do not.

Remember to adhere to safety practices online. Everybody that sticks out a helping hand isn't necessarily interested in your wellbeing. There are just as many predators in the gay world as there are in the straight world. Be careful if you get the idea that the person is more interested in your body than your heart. Be especially careful if the helper you meet suggests that you go for conversion therapy. That is a type of therapy that will leave you broken, but it won't change who you are inside. Don't take my word for it; read what the authoritative bodies of psychologists throughout the world have to say about it.

Don't write you parents, family, or friends who rejected you off. In time a few of them will change their minds and you don't want to miss it by ignoring them totally. On the other hand you do not have to put yourself through permanent and ongoing abuse. Keep your distance until you are strong enough to take that kind of abuse - believe me there will come a time when you will only smile and shake your head.

Whatever other people might have to say, there are many churches, organizations, and groups who will respect you for who you are. Not all religious people are homophobic and not all straight people are narrow-minded. There are more than enough of them that truly understands.

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http://www.amazon.com/Just-Another-Gayboy-Brand-Doubell-ebook/dp/B00K0T9KB6/ref=sr_1_3?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1401961292&sr=1-3&keywords=gay+south+africa

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Gay Rejection and Loneliness - Fearing the Risk of Coming Out

2014-07-20T07:46:00.001-07:00

We all need somebody

By Brand Doubell |

Social withdrawal can be positive or negative. Positively it may give you a chance to work, think, or meditate on a task at hand. We all need privacy from time to time - a bit of me-time in solitude to get your bearings straight. Negatively, if the solitude grows to loneliness, it can lead to anxiety, sensory distortions, or even clinical depression.
Even without physical withdrawal from other people, a person can still become lonely if he feels emotionally disconnected from others. This is sometimes called emotional isolation. Emotional isolation can be a result of social isolation, but it can also happen while a person is surrounded by others; especially if these "others" aren't close friends or companions. In some cases emotional isolation can be the result of being alone/lonely or isolated from true companions, but in other cases it could be the result of past emotional pain. In other words the person isolates himself emotionally from others because of previous painful attachments with others - emotional isolation as a defence mechanism.
In short you could be on your own without any pain, or you could be on your own in pain, or you could be among others and still feel isolated, or you could isolate yourself emotionally because others gave you pain.
This bit of social psychology could help us to understand the fears of gay people who prefer to stay in the closet. A gay person could stay in the closet because he/she fears rejection and ultimately isolation from others. Such a person keeps his/her sexual orientation a secret in order to avoid being isolated by the community. What the closeted person does not realize is that the closet is a lonely place. The community might accept him/her, but they do not really know the person they are accepting. The realization that the people around the gay person don't really know him/her isolates the gay person in any case. The act of avoiding isolation therefor causes but another form of isolation. Staying in the closet helps you to avoid rejection and isolation by other people, but all you achieve is to isolate yourself from those who would've accepted you with open arms. You could say that living in the closet equals self-isolation and living out in the open equals isolation from others. The end-result stays the same - you are still isolated and that leads to depression.
The only difference is this: if you stay in the closet you are isolated from everybody, but if you come out you are only isolated from homophobes. Out and proud gay people are accepted and loved by other gay people as well as right-minded straight people.
The risk of coming out is that you will be rejected by homophobes; keeping it a secret means you are rejecting yourself, and there isn't a worse form of isolation than the isolation you feel when you reject yourself.

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http://www.amazon.com/Just-Another-Gayboy-Brand-Doubell-ebook/dp/B00K0T9KB6/ref=sr_1_3?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1401961292&sr=1-3&keywords=gay+south+africa

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Out of the Straight Closet, and Into the Gay/Straight Family

2014-07-16T07:46:00.003-07:00

Yes we are family

By Brand Doubell |

All of us fear rejection, but unfortunately nobody can escape it. Everybody belongs to some kind of group and being part of a group automatically means that some people in other groups will hate you for no real reason. I know a few straight people who hated gay people until they met a few of them. Being in a group often means that you do not know members of the "other" group and therefor you guess what these "other" people are like - or you believe the stereotypical rubbish that some enjoys to spread. The fact of life is that we all belong to groups and we often judge others without really knowing them.
As a white guy living in Africa I see more than my share of group-hate. A kind of hate based on prejudice and nothing more. As a gay guy interested in human behavior I often read what some straight people have to say about gay people and more often than not they base their theories on hearsay and stereotypes. Fortunately there is an antidote against hearsay and stereotypes and that is to meet someone in real life. I reckon we have all experienced it - you hear something very bad about another person and you actually believe it until you meet him/her and realize how wrong you were. There is no doubt in my mind that there would be a lot less hatred in this world if we only allowed ourselves to listen to the enemy, before we judge them.
People stay in closets because they fear rejection. If you are actually labelled as gay it gives some people the right to judge and reject you. The sad part is that closeted gay people are rejected by straight people for being gay and by gay people for being closeted. You might think you are in the closet, but people will guess that you are gay and they often guess right. Staying in the closet doesn't save you from rejection - it makes it worse.
The moment you come out there is a big family of gay people ready to support you and believe it or not there are many straight people who will support you as well. Like gay stereotypes there are also a lot of straight stereotypes. Just like some straight people judge gay people without knowing them there are many gay people who think straight people will judge them without giving straight people a chance. You might stay in the closet because you think your straight family or friends are going to judge you, but in many cases that is just not true.
Going out of the closet means that you are becoming part of the gay family and this family stands together like all families should. Besides that you would be amassed how many straight people is part of this family. Many straight people have a father, a sister, a cousin, or a son that is gay and therefor they know the gay struggle. These straight people are often allies that will give you a lot of support.
The closet is a lonely place where you suffer on your own. It is a straight closet where you have to pretend to be somebody else. The gay family on the other hand is a place with many friends and family - real friends and real family that will take care of you. It isn't just a small group of gay people who hides in a corner; it is a large movement of gay and straight people who fights against bigotry. A family that knows what it feels like to be marginalized and a family that rejects hate based on false theories, ridiculous stereotypes and sick propaganda.

http://www.amazon.com/Just-Another-Gayboy-Brand-Doubell-ebook/dp/B00K0T9KB6/ref=sr_1_3?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1401961292&sr=1-3&keywords=gay+south+africa
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The Choice Between the Closet and Being Out

2014-07-15T07:10:00.001-07:00

Should you stay hidden?

By Brand Doubell |

On average most experts guess that there is one gay person among ten. In a city with a population of a million it follows that there would be a 100 thousand members of the gay community. Experience taught me that you wouldn't find that many gay people in any sort of gathering from a pride to a parade. It is true that prides and parades aren't everybody's thing, but still - there would hardly be 10 thousand at such a city's parade. The only conclusion would be that most gay people are still closeted.
Like most other out and proud gay people, I can't imagine why anybody would like to live in a closet for a lifetime. On the other hand I realize that there are so many factors that could influence the choice between the closet and being out.
I was one of those unlucky few who ran the risk of losing everything when I came out. Firstly I knew I would lose my job; I was a pastor as well as a lecturer in Theology so I had no choice. Secondly I knew I would lose my wife and with her maybe even my kids. Thirdly most of my friends were either in the ministry or they were devout Christians so I guessed I would lose the as well. In short I stood to lose my income, my family, my friends, my kids, my house, and my job.
Fortunately I only lost my job and the income it gave me. The friends I lost weren't real friends. I did not lose my kids, my family, or my real friends. I even kept my very close friendship with my ex-wife. If two people are mature enough, and they realize that their kids are the most important part of their lives, it is possible to stay close friends.
I guess you would say that it worked out rather well for me and I have to admit that it worked out much better than I thought it would, but the fact is that it always works out better than you thought. They say that 90% of the things we are afraid of never happen and in my case it really worked out that way. In the many conversations I had with literally thousands of gay people all over the world I have never met a single person who wasn't glad to be out. In addition to that I have met hundreds who were depressed, lonely, sad, and bitter while they were rotting away in the closet. Someone once said that there is nothing worse than dying in the closet. I think that many, many gay people are dead while they are breathing in the closet.
Unfortunately it takes a lot of guts to go out and say who you really are. It takes a leap of faith to believe that you will survive it. It is easy to say that you will make it because I already did, but I know all too well how difficult the decision is. It might be the biggest choice you will ever have to make. I remember the fear of rejection as if it happened yesterday and to some extent I still fear rejection every time someone realizes that I am gay. No matter how far you are out of the closet there are always another step you still have to take. The fear of rejection is the biggest enemy to your freedom and every single out and proud gay person knows that fear very well. The only thing that makes it better is the realization that you are not alone. If there are 6 billion people on this earth; there are 600 million gay people who know exactly what it feels like to be you. The best thing you can do is to find a few of us to talk to, a few of us to hold your hand, to give you advice, and to show you how nice it is out in the open.

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http://www.amazon.com/Just-Another-Gayboy-Brand-Doubell-ebook/dp/B00K0T9KB6/ref=sr_1_2?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1401805430&sr=1-2&keywords=gay+south+africa

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Christian Ethics and Gay Teen Suicide

2014-07-14T03:54:00.001-07:00

A Sad Reality

By Brand Doubell |

The title of this article combines three interesting subjects namely Christian Ethics and two of the things that dominates Christian ethics: Being Gay and Suicide.
For centuries mainstream Christianity judged suicide as a terrible sin; unfortunately many Christians still do. Fortunately many mainstream churches have altered their perspective on suicide a bit. The reason for the change lies in the progress of scientific inquiry. The fact is that Christian ethics makes use of two important sources - the Bible and nature. Both the Bible and nature stays exactly the same, but the method of studying those sources progresses with time.
The Bible text discuss many ethical issues, but in a very specific context of place and time. On the other hand the interpretation of the text changes as the science of interpretation (hermeneutics) progresses. Natural science works exactly the same as hermeneutics; nature stayed the same but understanding it changes as scientific method and equipment develops.
As the sciences of psychology and psychiatry progressed our knowledge of depression improved as well. We now know that suicide isn't just some sinful or criminal act that someone committed, but that it is one of the symptoms of a very serious physical disease. Because of this "new" information responsible Christian ethicists had to rethink their position on suicide. You can't just judge the symptoms of a disease as an independent sinful act. You have to understand that a person who suffers from depression is not accountable for his actions in committing suicide.
In the same sense responsible Christian ethicists are rethinking their position on homosexuality. If you are born gay it would be ridiculous to see it as a wrongful choice. It is true that some researchers maintain their positions that being gay is a choice, but the number of responsible researchers that maintain such a standpoint are rapidly declining. The more we look into it, the more we realize that sexual orientation is caused by genetics. The moment that finding becomes conclusive, more and more ethicists will rethink their position on homosexuality. In the same sense more and more theologians would have to alter their biblical interpretation as well. I have no doubt that it is a matter of time before we come to that point; in fact, for most of us in Christian ethics, we are already there.
The argument gets more interesting if you consider the causes of depression. Depression is caused by a lack of the neurotransmitters serotonin, nor-adrenaline, dopamine or a combination of the three. This lack of, or imbalance of neurotransmitters can be cause by a natural deficiency or by too much stress. If you consider the fact that gay teens has to take a lot of bantering for being gay you will realize that Christianity and it standpoint on homosexuality is one of the culprits in causing this stress. You could argue that Christianity is causing the problem they themselves are fighting. Christianity stands against suicide and yet their standpoint on homosexuality is one of the causing factors in teen suicides.
If this is the case it is high-time that mainstream churches should seriously reconsider the effects of their own ethical arguments. In effect their standpoint is causing the "sins" they preached against for centuries.

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Three Absolute Must-See Gay Films for Straight People

2014-07-10T08:18:00.003-07:00

Gay films can be very informative

By Brand Doubell |

In a previous article I wrote about the power of gay fiction in the fight against homophobia. In this article I would like to propose three gay films that your straight parents, friends, or family members should see. Sex scenes in movies can play a vital role in showing the reality of life, but it make the movie unusable for carrying a message to straight people. Sex scenes could easily offend, and although I agree with the idea that they should be there, it makes it difficult to show them to straight friends. Fortunately there are a few very good gay movies that touch gay sexuality very discretely and that can help us in the fight against homophobia. I could have mentioned more of these films, but in the scope of this article I am only going to discuss three.

A Single Man

This movie was directed by Tom Ford and it tells the story of a college professor whose male partner died in a car accident on his way to his family. He grieves the death of his longtime companion and decided to kill himself. He gets all his affairs in order and gives an emotional lecture to his class. A student, Kenny, senses something is wrong and shows him why he should stay alive. The professor reconsiders his suicide, but dies of a heart attack. The message shows how deep gay relationships can be and how wrong some straight people are in their view that gay relationships are only superficial. The college professor is played by Colin Firth and rotten tomatoes gave the film a tomato-meter of 85% and an audience-meter of 81%.

Shelter

The movie portrays a young man who falls in love with a friend's older brother. His sister has a small boy and the young gay man is much more of a father to the boy as the sister who is only interested in her boyfriend. His sister asks him to look after her son while she hits the road with her newest boyfriend. The young gay guy wants to go to college and receives a bursary to do so. At the end he and his lover, the brother of his best friend, hit the road to college, but not without the young boy they decided to raise on their own. The message touches the question whether gay parents should be allowed to raise children. Leading roles are played by Trevor Right as the young gay guy, and Brad Rowe as his lover. Rotten tomatoes gave the film a tomato-meter of 58% and an audience-meter of 85%.

Prayers for Bobby

The movie portrays the real life of Mary Griffith, a mother who drives her gay son to suicide by forcing him to repent his homosexuality and become straight. After his death she realizes that there are Christian churches and theologians that interpret the Bible differently and she is stricken with guilt. She then goes out and become one of the most famous fighters for gay rights in America. The message should be clear; some churches, families, and politicians are driving our gay youth to suicide while they could have provided a safe haven for these kids. The mother is portrayed by Sigourney Weaver. Rotten tomatoes did not give a tomato-meter for this movie, but the audience-meter is 87%.
All three these movies are an absolute must-see for families and friends of gay people.

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Family-Rejection - The Sad Truth in the Lives of Gay Children

2014-07-09T06:16:00.004-07:00

The pain of a gay child is unbearable

By Brand Doubell |

For most people their family is the ultimate refuge where they can hide from the big bad world, but for gay people it is often not a refuge at all. From your first day on this earth you know that you can hide by the side of your mother. She will always be there if life gets too difficult for you. The moment you grow a bit older you realize that there are certain dangers that only your father can help you with. Then you turn 12-18 and you think you do not need their protection anymore, except of course if there is a really dangerous monster behind you - then you run back home and become a kid again. If you're twenty-something you crawl back for advice, because you realize for the second time that there is no place like home. Even later in life, after the death of your parents, you still have the urge to give up and run back to a home that isn't there anymore.
Unfortunately everything said in the previous paragraph is only true in a relative normal home. The truth is that there are terrible parents, parents who abuse, molest, and destroy their kids. Who among us haven't watched a movie portraying some child-molester without wishing we could climb into the movie and knock the molester's brains out? Most relatively normal people are willing to overlook any transgression, but not molestation and not child-abuse. We might be against capital punishment, but we almost reconsider if we hear about some sick sex-ring targeting children.
What makes it so bad? What is it about child-abuse and child-molestation that brings out the beast in most of us? I guess it is the vulnerability of children. "If you want to pick on someone - pick on me, I'm six-three and weighs 200 pounds, I will show you abuse." Isn't that what we all feel?
Is it possible that the community can feel so strong about something like that and find it acceptable if the kid is gay?
I've counselled many gay kids aged anything between 14 and 18 that go through exactly the same trauma as a molested or abused child. The place that should have been their safe haven, their den or their refuge becomes the biggest danger in their lives - a mother that rejects them and a father that wants to kill them. These are not abusive parents, they would not consider abusing any of their other children, but when it comes to a gay child - they change their ways. I find that the reason for this is because society gives them an excuse. Isn't it true that there is no excuse for child abuse or molestation? That is what we say isn't it? Yet society, religious groups, political parties, and organisations give us an excuse to abandon, abuse, and batter our gay children. It staggers the mind how good people can change into hardened criminals when it comes to this issue.
Maybe you feel that I am exaggerating, maybe you feel it isn't so bad, and that this does not happen all that often. I am afraid it happens more frequently than most people would believe. So next time you laugh at a gay joke, next time you make a humorous gay comment about someone, or next time you verbalize your sympathy for the parents of a gay child - remember you are making a joke about one of the saddest things in our community. What people do not get, is that there are many gay children out there and they might be standing next to you while you are making your joke, and they might go through the same trauma as a molested child. Would you make a joke about child-abuse as well?

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My Husband Is Gay - What to Do When Your Husband Comes Out of the Closet

2014-07-08T06:15:00.002-07:00

Is he hiding a secret?

By Brand Doubell |

As I said in a previous article there are a lot of people who comes out later in life. This might be because they were too afraid of rejection to do it earlier, they thought it will change in time, or they really didn't know. Whatever the reason, this guy married you with the idea to stay with you. Nobody gets married with the inkling of getting a divorce.
Al of us idealizes the future when we are young. The day you get married you believe you are going to have the best marriage ever. You tell yourself that your marriage is going to be different; it will be heaven on earth. In time you get older and you realize that you are not the perfect wife and the guy you married isn't the perfect husband. Maybe you even consider a divorce or you go for couple's therapy to avoid the road downhill. Then you start to grasp reality - life isn't perfect, but it is okay, it is good enough and in many ways you are happier than many others. Other parts of life work roughly the same; your work, your children, your hobbies - they aren't perfect, but they are good enough.
Then you reach your midlife crises. It can happen anywhere from your late thirties to your late fifties, in some cases even in your sixties. You start to wonder about the point of it all - why am I here; am I successful; what was my dream; did I reach it; am I on the way to the goals I had or am I on the wrong track? This is the age when some men change either their job or their wife - the perfect time for a career-move or a divorce or even both. It is also the age when people who knew they were gay, and thought they might change, realize that it didn't happen, and that they are entering their last chance to be happy - the age when adults come out of the closet.
If you are in the situation where your husband comes out of the closet you have to understand the following:

He probably didn't try to deceive you when you got married - he thought he would change and everything would be okay or he didn't know.
Everybody comes out of some kind of closet in their midlife. The doctor realizes that he actually wanted to be a plumber. He became a doctor to please his father and he thought it will be okay, but it isn't. He decides to make a change, because this is his last chance to be happy.
You may think that therapy could heal him, but unfortunately there is no therapy that can change your sexual orientation.

The fact is that you are married to a gay man and that leaves both of you with the following choices:

You could get a divorce in order for him to live the life of a gay man and in order for you to get someone who really wants to be with you. It doesn't need to be an ugly separation; in fact it can be a mutual beneficial move where both of you wish happiness for the other. After all you did get married because you truly loved each other and to love also implies that you wish each other well.
You could settle, as many do, for an open marriage where both of you date other men. I do not think there is anything more destructive than this choice, but apparently it works for some people.
You could decide to stay married while you know he is gay and he tries his best to be okay with the idea that he would never live the life of a gay man. Sadly, many people settle for this choice, but the husband isn't really happy and the wife never knows whether her husband is true to her or not.

In my case we settled for the first choice. I was more than prepared to choose the third for everybody's sake, but we decided we want something better for each other and we never looked back. Today, years later, we are still the best of friends and we still love each other dearly, but not as a husband and wife should.
Maybe you will choose one of the other possibilities, but it is something both of you will have to agree on. The one can never force the other into a specific choice, because that is doomed for failure and destruction.

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The So-Called Gay Agenda

2014-07-05T09:42:00.001-07:00

Is there a gay agenda?

By Brand Doubell | Submitted On May 30, 2014

I am gay, but I had straight parents, I have straight sisters and a brother, I have straight kids, and most of my friends are straight - in fact my best friends are all straight. The so-called Gay Agenda is nothing more than right-wing propaganda. In fact the only ones with an agenda are those who created the myth of a gay agenda. This mythical gay agenda includes the following:

The gay people want to control everything.
They want to recruit all children to become gay.
They want to close all churches and silence Christianity
They are only 2% of the community and yet they manipulate every politician, all the judges, governments, big companies, and large corporations.
They control the media, the internet, and all the movie producers.
They infiltrate school boards, city counsels, parliaments, and the military across the globe.
The control the courts and the different judicial systems in all countries
They are the richest people in the world and they control the world economy.

This Gay Agenda extent over America, Europe, Australia and most of the third world - come to think of it, Buddhism isn't really anti-gay so we probably control the East as well.
The true facts, however shows something totally different:

Only 19 states in America allow same-sex marriages; in more than 30 states it is banned.
In Africa only one country (South Africa) allows gay marriages, in 17 countries homosexuality is allowed, in 34 countries you will go to jail for being homosexual and in 2 countries homosexuality is punishable by death.
In Asia homosexuality is legal in 17 countries, only Israel recognizes same-sex marriages, in 19 countries it is punishable by imprisonment and in 3 countries it is punishable by death.
In Europe same-sex marriages are legal in 10 countries, 12 countries allow homosexuality, and in no country is it illegal.
In South America homosexuality is legalized in 14 countries, 4 countries allow same-sex marriages and in two countries it is punishable by imprisonment.

For a group of people who have so much power according to right-wing propaganda and the so-called mythical Gay Agenda, we are not very influential as far as the law is concerned.
In fact the real power lies in the hands of heterosexuals because:

0 countries are against heterosexuality
0 countries will send you to jail for having heterosexual relations
0 countries will kill you for being heterosexual
0 countries will deny you your right to get married

It seems that reality is not quite proving the myth of a Gay Agenda. Gay people have to listen to accusations that we are threatening family life, we are threatening straight relationships, and we are threatening straight marriages and family values. Yet, the only people who are denied to be in

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Fifteen False Fabrications About Gay Men

2014-07-04T07:06:00.003-07:00

Some urban- legends about gay men are not true!

By Brand Doubell |

Gay men...

... are emotional, tidy and have a sense for beauty.

There are just as many varieties of gay men than there are varieties of straight men. Some of us are hairdressers, beauticians, and nurses, but on the other hand some of us are plumbers, electricians and builders. Sorry, it takes all types.

... abuse drugs.

People from different genders, races, colours, creeds, and sexual orientation abuse drugs, and people from exactly the same groups do not. It is true that gay people are at risk of abusing drugs, but this is related to the pressure they have to endure from homophobes. In fact all people from minority groups tend to be at risk of abusing drugs.

... are attracted to all men.

Just like straight men, gay men have their own unique preferences. Some are attracted to more feminine men and others to butch men. Many of us have enjoyed the humorous situation where straight men realize you are gay and appear as if they want to run away. What makes it really funny is when you tell them that they aren't your type they almost look offended. There are some gay men who will go for straight men and enjoys the challenge in some way, but in my experience gay men are mostly attracted to other gay men.

... are all feminine Queens.

I always laugh at this one. Most people who meet me will never know that I am gay, because I do not fit the bill. Guys like me are never teased about their sexuality because everybody can see that we are straight. The joke is that I am not, and many of the feminine guys you know, are probably straight. In fact there is no difference between the proportion of feminine men among homosexual men and the proportion of feminine men amongst straight men. If you see a feminine guy the chance are fifty/fifty that he is straight or gay.

... are obsessed with sex.

If this refers to the general joke that ladies make about men, then yes, like all other men gays are sexual beings. If it refers to the idea that all homosexual men are promiscuous and can't be part of a monogamous relationship, it is false. Many of us are in long relationships despite the fact that it was against the law to get married and still is in many places. We differ in our sexual behavior just as much as and even more than straight men. There are for instance more voluntary celibate gay men than celibate straight men.

HIV/AIDS is Gods punishment for gay men.

HIV/AIDS is a disease that spreads through sexual encounters of all people. The ones who are especially at risk are those with many sexual partners. If a gay man has many partners he is definitely at risk, but no more than the straight guy who does the same. If God wanted to punish gay people with a disease, HIV/AIDS would not be the best choice because it spreads among everybody. Unfortunately also among medical workers who tends to sick people and did not deserve to be punished for other people's sins.

... are not relationship-oriented.

The idea that gays are not interested in long-term relationships is ridiculous. If that were the case why are they fighting for same-sex marriages? The fact that many of us choose to have long-term relationships despite the prejudice, just shows how strong many gays feel about their relationships.

Male homosexuality is caused by traumatic childhood.

There are ample studies that favor the idea that people are born gay. Many gay people had wonderful childhoods. If a traumatic childhood was to blame it would stand to reason that all the kids from such a family would be gay and yet that is not the case at all. As for the idea that gay men were molested as children - there is no evidence to support such a theory.

... are child molesters

Research favors exactly the opposite. Most child molesters are in fact straight. Being gay and being a pedophile has absolutely nothing in common. The one are attracted to the same-sex and the other to children - often the sex does not matter.

Two gay men can't raise healthy children.

Many children are raised by a single parent and turns out more than okay. In some cases it is a woman who raises these kids and sometimes it is a man. Research fails to suggest that either woman or men does a better job. It differs from person to person. Many children were raised by two gay fathers and there is no evidence that these children were traumatized by it. New research even suggests that children raised by same-sex parents are better adapted.

... frequent the same gay clubs.

Just like some straight couples love clubbing, some gay couples like it as well, but most gay people do not go to gay clubs.

All gay men live according to a certain "gay lifestyle"

I have never found the exact definition of what the above actually means. Some tell me it relates to the free life gay men lives - I have yet to discover what freedom that is. Other tells me that it refers to our good taste. Not all gay men have good taste, not even the feminine ones among us. One person told me it refers to the extravagance. Somehow it seems that gay men are all rich. That is an over-generalization second to none.

All gay men and just gay men practice anal sex, referred to in the Bible as sodomy.

In the first place there are many gay men who do not engage in anal sex and who do not enjoy it at all. Secondly there are many straight couples who do enjoy anal sex more than genital intercourse. The idea that the sin of the people of Sodom was anal sex is also a misconception that I would not go into for the purpose of this list.

Being gay is a choice that some men make.

As the famous slogan goes, if I chose to be gay, when did you choose to be straight? Most straight men get nauseated by the idea of a gay relationship. Obviously they did not choose to be gay; they can't even consider the idea. The truth is that they were born straight and the mere thought of having a gay relationship makes them sick. This isn't true about all straight men, but about many. In exactly the same way some gay men get nauseated by the idea of a straight relationship. Nobody chose to be gay - you are born that way. Nobody in his right mind will choose a life where the majority of the population reject your choice.

... are against Christianity and family values

Although most churches went out of their way over the years to alienate gay people, there are still many gay Christians in this world. In fact, because of the alienation some gay people even started their own gay denominations. If any group was alienated like that, they would have said goodbye to Christianity and unfortunately many gay people did. Many gay people clearly state that they do not have a problem with God, but with his disciples. This myth is actually the opposite of the truth because the truth is that many Christian churches are against gay people and not the other way around. Not all people are religious and not all people are Christians and that has nothing to do with sexual orientation. As for family values, all gay people were raised in families and many of us still enjoy the safety and love we receive from our family. Some of us are against families yes, but that is mostly those who were rejected by their own family.

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Coming Out Later in Life - Can Straight People Become Gay?

2014-07-03T02:16:00.004-07:00

Can you switch your sexuality on or off?

By Brand Doubell |

Loren Olson wrote a book "Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight, A Psychiatrist's Own Story." It is a worth-while read for anybody, but especially for those of us which came out later in life. In my mind there are three possibilities why anybody would come out later in life.
Firstly, because you were too afraid to come out. In some countries coming out may cost you your life, but in other places it may cost you your inheritance, your job, or your friends and family. A. Few members of the gay community might criticize you for that, but it is easy to judge if you are not in another person's shoes.
Secondly because you thought you would outgrow your "homosexual thoughts". You weren't sure that you were gay or you thought it will go away. You decided to marry someone of the opposite sex in the hope that he/she will rescue you from being gay. Maybe you believed that a straight marriage, having kids, and building a family life would be possible for you. Then, when you reach your thirties, you get to a stage in your life where you can't fake it anymore - you have to live the life you were born with.
Thirdly, and I don't know how many we are, you just didn't know until you reached your thirties or forties. Somehow a lot of people think this is impossible, but believe me it happens. I don't know why it happens, or how it can be possible, but some just do not realize it when they are younger. Many in the gay community criticize this group as well. They feel that this group was just too afraid to come out. The fact is that there are a lot of people who lived in denial for a long time. In their subconscious they might have known they were gay, but it took them years before they consciously realized it. In my case it really never occurred to me. I lived happily as a straight guy for many years and then it struck me like a bolt of lightning. I must admit that a lot of things from my past made sense to me when I first realize it, but before that day those things just didn't trigger the truth.
Whether you believe that this third possibility exist or not isn't really important. The fact is that a lot of us come out after we already married someone of the opposite sex and started a family. In our case the problem is not to come out to our parents - we have to come out to our spouse and children.
In answering the question "Can straight people become gay?" I would say no. You are born gay. Straight people will never become gay. What happens is that some people live a straight life because they are too afraid to come out, they think they might become straight, or they realize it later in life. Even those of us who realise it later in life for the first time will admit that there were things that should have told us earlier, but somehow it just didn't.

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Coming Out As a Parent - How to Tell Your Children You Are Gay

2014-06-24T04:14:00.002-07:00

Kids understand better than we might think

By Brand Doubell | Submitted On May 29, 2014

In a previous article I wrote about the three situations where people come out later in life. In most cases these people were married to someone of the opposite sex and they might even have children from that marriage. If you realize that you are gay, or you realize that you can't hide it any longer later on in life you probably have to come out to your children. I know what you are going through because I had to go through it as well.
At that stage I met a guy who told me his story. He said his father was also gay and that his parents decided to stay together until the kids finished school. After school his dad came out, his parents got a divorce and his mother married another guy. Then this guy told me something that gave me a totally new perspective on my own situation. He said that he saw a happy couple for the first time when he was 20 years old. His parents wasn't unhappy or something, but there was something missing. The moment his mother married another guy he saw what true happiness was. According to him he wasn't interested in a relationship before he saw a real happy one at age twenty. The interesting thing was that he didn't mind the fact that his dad was gay; he did however mind that he didn't know it sooner and that his parents didn't get a divorce earlier in his life.
The fact is that children are not that judgmental. In fact younger children accept their gay parents without any problems. My kids were 7 and 9 when I came out and you wouldn't believe what a blessing it was when I realized that they love their gay dad just as much as they loved their straight dad. Today they are much older, they know exactly who and what I am, and they went through the change without any hiccups.
I know many gay people who came out to their children and without any exception the ones that came out while their children were still young had the least problems. Children will forgive you for being gay, but they find it more difficult to forgive you if you lied to them. They love us for who we are, but they do not take it well if we try to deceive them by showing a false picture of ourselves.
Years later I met a girl who told me that her father was also gay and I said "Do you know how wonderful it is for a gay guy to have a daughter?" and she responded with "do you know how wonderful it is for a daughter to have a gay dad?"
The fact is that children will never reject you if you show them your weakness; they will however reject you if you pretend as if you do not have any weakness at all. I'm not saying that being gay is a weakness, but if you're still in the closet it sometimes feels that way. Believe me, it isn't a weakness; it's actually something special and your kids will love you for the fact that you showed them the inside of your heart.
How do you tell your children you are gay? Just be yourself, be true to them, and do it. You will never look back.

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Do You Want to Come Out? The Best Advice For Coming Out of the Closet

2014-06-23T02:38:00.004-07:00

Understanding yourself is essential.

By Brand Doubell | Submitted On May 28, 2014

I think the shortest answer to the question above is that the best way to come out isn't the same for everybody. People are different, parents are different, and that means you will have to decide which way will work the best in your case. If you understand that you will know how to use the information here below to create your own unique way of coming out. It is impossible to look at every single possibility in the scope of one article, but the following will give you an idea.

You have to understand who you are.
1. Extrovert/introvert: If you are an extrovert it will be best to just say it out loud. Chances are that everybody knows it in any case. Extroverts have the ability to think on their feet and they struggle to keep the truth away from others. If you are an introvert you will have to pick your time very carefully. Introverts are secretive without knowing it and chances are that nobody suspects you are gay.
2. Rational/emotional: If you are a more rational kind of person you would probably have all the arguments on every possible question ready to fire. Just remember that others are not necessarily like you. If you mom or dad are more emotional you will have to take that into account as well. The opposite is just as true. If you are the emotional type and your dad more rational you will have to force yourself to get a few answers on the questions he is going to ask.
You have to understand the person you want to tell.
1. Conservative/open-minded: If the person is very conservative you have to tread lightly, but if the person is more open-minded it might not be that difficult. Unfortunately it is a bit more complicated. People will amaze you because sometimes the conservatives are okay with you and the liberals shocked.
2. Social/ private: If your parents are social they might worry about their friends' reaction. You know there is 1 gay person among every 10 people right? So find out who among their friends have a gay person in their family. If your parents are more private they would not want anybody to know about your sexuality and that's okay. If they want to stay in the closet - let them. Just make sure that you get out.
You have to get your timing right.
1. When your dad had a bad day at work; leave it for another day.
2. If your parents are more relaxed during the weekend that will be the best time.
3. If you are scared that your parents will throw you out of their house, make sure that you are ready to move.
4. If your father is going to cut your allowance, wait until you earn your own money.
Use the knowledge you have about your parents.
1. If you have a better relationship with your mother, talk to her.
2. If your mother is too emotional about the little things, make an appointment with your father.
3. Remember, they know how to break the news to each other if they have a good marriage.
4. If they are the type of people who needs time to get over anything - give them time.
5. If they are the kind of people who understands stuff better if they read it - write them a letter.
6. If they are religious and their pastor is an open-minded guy - talk to him about it. If he is the conservative type - don't go near him.
Pinpoint the right first person to talk to.
1. I found that there is always someone in every family that you can talk to. Someone that has an open-mind and that knows how to handle the others.
2. This person should be easy to talk to and he/she should have the respect of the whole family.
3. Choose the right level-headed person and he/she will give you the best advice on how you should handle the situation. In many cases it will be the same person your parents will go to after they heard the truth about you. In some cases such a person will even take it on him/herself to break the news.
Plan you're coming out by looking at all the facts and use it to your advantage.

Just remember one thing. Nothing is so bad that you can't handle it. In time everybody will know and accept you for who you are. What ever you do, don't do something stupid to yourself. It isn't necessary. There are many of us out there and we are always willing to help. Being gay also makes you part of another family - the gay family, and we look after our own.

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Helping Straight Parents of Gay Children (Part 5 - Understanding Your Gay Child-3)

2014-06-16T00:50:00.001-07:00

By Brand Doubell | Submitted On May 27, 2014

You have listened to your child without prejudice, you have read a few articles on homosexuality, and maybe you even found a support-group in your area, but what now? What does the fact that your child is gay really entail? In this article I will try to explain the core of being gay in a few simple paragraphs. The best way to explain something is often by saying what it is not. I will use this method in my explanation. It is impossible to fully explain what being gay implies in an article, but here it is.

Being gay is not just about sex. Consider your own heterosexual relationship or marriage. Is heterosexuality only about sex? Off course it isn't - the fact that you are attracted to the opposite sex includes love, closeness, understanding, building a family, planning the future together, and communicating your deepest needs, fears, dreams, joys, and disappointments with each other. At the beginning of most, if not all, relationships there are a chemistry that draws you together, but as time goes on the chemistry takes its place among many other aspects of your relationship. With gay people this happens between two people of the same gender, and that is the only difference.

Being gay is not the same as being transsexual (gender dysphoria). A. Gay man does not necessarily want to be a woman and a lesbian does not want to be a man. It is stereotypical nonsense that all gay men have female mannerisms and all gay women have dirt under their nails. Parents of gay children often say something like "my son can't be gay, because he loves contact sports". That doesn't mean anything - many gay men are as butch as a man can be and many lesbian girls are just as feminine as her peers.

Being gay is being part of a social group. It may be because of discrimination from the straight community, or it might just be because birds of a feather flock together, but being gay makes you part of a gay community. The gay community is like a mafia or rather a family. We might fight among each other, but the moment other people attack one of us, we are all up in arms. Gay people have what we call a gaydar - a sixth sense that makes it possible for one gay person to sense another. We fight for our rights, we have our own clubs, we party together, and we rally together in prides and parades. All of this isn't true about all of us, but all of us take part in the gay community on some level. We communicate internationally, but we understand each others needs and pains without discussing it.

On the other hand, being part of a community doesn't make us aggressive or negative against everybody outside of the group. I have heard many negative remarks about gay prides and parades. Straight people often say that they do not have straight prides and parades so why do we have it. I think we have parades and prides because we are a minority, I think we have it because of the discrimination against us, and I think we have it to show the majority that we are not alone. Parades and prides is not aggressive or destructive, it's just our way of inviting the people who are still in the closet to come out.

Being part of a gay culture does not mean that we want to make recruit straight people. Most gay men/women are only interested in other gay men/women. There are those among us that fall in love with straight people, and there is a small percentage that enjoys it to conquer straight people, but that is not true about the average gay man/woman. The fact that a large part of the straight community rejects us makes our lives more complicated, and for that reason we do not wish it for our straight friends. Most of us believe that you were born straight so it is ridiculous to think that we can make you gay. It isn't our aim.

Being gay does not mean that we are going to force it down your throat. Most gay people are discrete about their sexuality, because of the rejection and discrimination against us. We do not ask that you like us or like what we do; we merely ask for the right to be who we are without discrimination.

Being gay doesn't make us rapists or molesters. Straight people are interested in the opposite sex, but that doesn't mean people of the opposite sex should fear them. Gay people are interested in the same-sex, but that doesn't mean that people of the same-sex should fear us.

Being gay does not mean that you are promiscuous. In the past gay people could only settle for one-night-stands or secretive relationships. For there own safety they married people from the opposite sex to hide behind it. You could say that the straight community forced gay people into promiscuity. In our time gay people have more rights and they are allowed to have gay relationships, therefor they do not need to jump from one partner to another. They can have steady relationships and many of us do.

Being gay does not mean that you have a bigger chance of becoming HIV-positive. Everybody, gay or straight, that lives a promiscuous life has a bigger chance of becoming HIV positive. The problem lies with promiscuity and not with sexual orientation.

Being gay does not imply that you are un-spiritual or nonreligious. There are many people who are gay and religious/spiritual.

For all the reasons above it would be fruitful for the parents of gay children to discuss their gay lives with their children. Many ideas about gay people are ridiculous stereotypes. A lot of the things you've heard about gay people just isn't true, so make sure about your facts before you react.

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Helping Straight Parents of Gay Children (Part 5 - Understanding Your Gay Child-2)

2014-06-13T08:59:00.000-07:00

By Brand Doubell |

In a previous article I explained that we as parents have more experience that our children and therefor want to teach them a thing or two. I also said that gay children can teach their parents a thing or two about their unique situation because nobody can fully understand the gay life if you're not gay. Straight parents should try to understand their gay kids by listening to them without prejudice. As with all other relationships communication is the key.
Listening to your child is not the only way you can try to understand his/her life. There are numerous resources available that can help you to understand your child better. Unfortunately not all information is accurate and in some cases it is downright homophobic propaganda. The moment a book, website, pamphlet, or individual starts to talk about healing your child you should be very careful. As said before, according to the American Psychological Association (the largest psychological organisation in the world) all examples of treatment that aims to change you child's sexuality are socially harmful to your child. One of the books available on this issue, that talks about healing your family, is nothing more than outdated information with outdated methods of treatment that can harm your child as well as your family. If you want to buy a book on this topic from an established website you should always have a look at the reviews if its available. In the reviews on the book I mentioned there are numerous reports of how this book's method hurt a lot of families. So be careful for some resources.
On the other hand there are great books, websites, and pamphlets available that can truly help you to understand your child and the situation you and your family are dealing with. PFLAG is an organisation that helps a lot of parents throughout the world. Members of PFLAG are family members of gay people just like you and they went through exactly the same things you are going through so do yourself a favour and Google them. You won't only find a list of responsible books to read; you might even get information about a branch of PFLAG in your area. If there isn't a branch of PFLAG near you they could probably direct you to another support-group in your area. These people will help you to understand because they were in your situation previously.
Sometimes it is just easier to talk to others that went through the same issues you have. After all, you are not the first person that went through this and maybe others could explain it to you much better than I can. You would be amazed to know how many people are gay, and how many families had to go through this. A support group might be just what you need.

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Helping Straight Parents of Gay Children (Part 5 - Understanding Your Gay Child 1)

2014-06-12T08:35:00.002-07:00

Listening to your child can often take practicing

By Brand Doubell |

As parents we all struggle to understand our children's perspective on life. One of the best ways to see life through their eyes is to think back to our own childhood. If I think about this truth I always remember the old song of Orson Wells "I Know what it is to be young, but you don't know what it is to be old." As parents we have a perspective on life that children do not always get. It also reminds me of the joke "When you are 6 you think your parents know everything, if you are 16 you think they know nothing, and if you are 26 you realise that it was you who didn't know anything." That is life isn't it? With age comes wisdom, and yet you do not want to hear it when you are young. We are a bit older, we have more experience, and we know how cruel life can be. We are always trying to warn our children of the dangers that lurk beyond the next bend in the road, but they just don't listen. Think back to your childhood, you didn't listen either. The fact is, unfortunately we have to experience our own mistakes, nobody can save us from them, and warnings will not help you to miss all the pitfalls in life. The first thing I would like you to remember is this:

Yes you are older and wiser
Unfortunately children do not listen to good advise
Remember, you didn't listen either

Secondly our experiences do not guarantee our advice; sometimes we are wrong. The fact that you tried to run your own business and failed does not mean that your child will fail as well. Being older also taught us that our predictions are not always correct. With all the wisdom we gathered we are still fallible. What worked for us might not work for them, because their lives and our lives are not the same.
In the third place I want you to understand that your life as a straight person isn't the same as your child's life as a gay person. There are aspects of a gay person's life that a straight person will never fully understand. In those aspects your child is the teacher and you are the pupil. Don't presume that you understand what your child is going through, because you don't.
Fourthly the above does not mean that there isn't anything you can teach your child. Being straight and being gay isn't the same, but a lot of aspects are the same. You might not know what it feels like to be rejected as a gay person, but that does not mean that you do not know rejection. Your child might tell you that you do not understand and to a certain extent they are right, but not totally. You can still help them with a lot of the things they will experience.
Lastly I think that non-judgemental communication can help both of you (parent and child) to bridge the gap between you. Raising a child helped you to understand the things your parents did when you were young. Sometimes I think if they explained their reasons we might have understood it earlier. We are a new generation of parents. We explain more to our kids than our parents did. Unfortunately we seldom see a difference in the generation gap. Somehow our children still don't understand all our reasons even if we try to explain them. It is difficult for parents and kids to understand each other because we come from different parts of history; sometimes it feels as if we come from different planets altogether. If you want to screw up this already difficult relationship you should be judgemental about their lives, their sexuality, and their choices. Try to understand, rather than to judge. If you give them the chance to explain the difficulties they experience in their lives you will understand their situation much better. Understanding your gay child, even if you do not understand them totally, is 90% of keeping your relationship in tact.

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Helping Straight Parents of Gay Children (Part 4 - Protecting Your Family - 3)

2014-06-09T01:01:00.003-07:00

Have you ever considered your child's happiness

By Brand Doubell

In this article I would like to show parents of gay children where the biggest threat to your family lies, and how you can protect your family against it. I am also a parent of two beautiful children and like you the dangers that threaten my children in today's world really scare me. Child molesters, abductions, drugs, and date-rape really scares me if I look at my children. You just don't know how you are going to protect them against all these things. When they were babies the biggest threat was that someone might steal them. Then they become teenagers and the threats just doubles. Like you I have realised that the threats doesn't stop there. Even if they are adults starting their own families you still fear the many things that might threaten their lives and their happiness.
What do you really want for your kids? If I am honest with myself I must admit that being the best in academics or sport isn't really the thing I wish for my children. Off course it is nice if they do well in sports, but ultimately you want them to be happy right? When I was a kid parents always said you can be whatever you want to be as long as you are the best at it. I often wonder about that. I don't think I agree with that. At the end there can be only one best isn't it? I changed that wish for my children. I always tell them that they can be whatever they wish to be as long as it makes them happy. After all, in many cases the best doctor isn't necessarily the happiest doctor.
Don't get me wrong; I don't think you can be happy if you do not give your best, but being the best isn't equal to being the happiest. I would like to see my children happy. I would like to see them in happy relationships, happy job situations, and I would like to see them in their own happy families. So what would be the worst threat for my kids? I think anything or anyone who steals my kid's happiness is the biggest threat of all. Protecting my family is not just to help them survive; it's much more; it is to help them to have happy fulfilled lives. If I can give them that or if I can protect them against anything that threatens their happiness I would feel that I was a successful father.
So, you are the straight parent of a gay child, what do you think will threaten your child's happiness?
You guessed it. You are the biggest threat against your family. If you can't accept your child for who he/she is, chances are that your child will never be well adapted, will never be at peace with him/herself, and would always struggle with the biggest threat against family life - I am not good enough for my parents.
Research showed over and over again that a good self-image is necessary to become a well adapted and well self-actualized adult. The biggest stumbling block in the way to a self-actualized person is being rejected by your parents.
Scott Peck, author of the Road less Travelled said that the most important thing to be happy is to be at peace with yourself, with others, and with God (however you define the core of your spirituality). In my mind the process towards being at peace with these three starts with the day you realize your parents are at peace with who you have become. If my parents are happy with me, I can take on the world.
This is true for all kids, but in this regard your gay child is unique. A gay child has to face more rejection from society than any other child. The last thing he or she needs is your rejection on top of that.

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Helping Straight Parents of Gay Children (Part 4 - Protecting Your Family - 2)

2014-05-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

Are you threatened by gay people?

By Brand Doubell

In a previous article I argued that it isn't possible to change your sexual orientation. I also referred to Psychology, Theology, and the experience of the gay community and argued that most people among these groups admit that being gay is not a choice. There are those who have a problem with gay relationships, but most of them realise that being gay as such isn't a choice. As the parent of a gay child you have the responsibility to protect your family. Previously I argued that either you should help your child to change or you should accept him/her. In the light of the above the choice is easy - you should accept the fact that your child is gay and that he/she can't change that fact.
We all know that family values are one of the big issues raised in the debate on same-sex marriages. Homophobic groups argue that the family will be destroyed if same-sex marriages are allowed. Personally I would love to see the rational steps in that argument. For the life of me I can't understand how my marriage affects yours if you do not even know me. You have the right and indeed the responsibility to protect your family, but I fail to see how another's right to get married affects your rights. I do however see how your demonstration against my marriage threatens my family. In protecting your family as the parent of a gay child there are some serious threats that can destroy your family and this article covers those threats.

The first threat is if something causes you family to split apart. Having a gay child has the potential to split a family if, and only if some members of the family wish the gay child to leave. The first threat is therefor not having a gay child but putting that child in front of an ultimatum like - either you change your orientation or you leave this family. Since I argued that a person can not change his orientation the child does not have a choice - he/she has to leave.
The second threat to your family or in deed anybody's family is if a gay child is forced to marry someone of the opposite sex. There are numerous sad true stories of gay people forced into straight marriages. At the end you can pretend for only a few years until the cracks start to show. As a parent you would know that most marriages fail. I am sure you would agree that keeping a marriage together isn't always that easy and complicating it with a partner that isn't attracted to the other partner dooms it to failure. If you want to see a winning recipe for failure - force a gay kid into a straight marriage.
The third threat to family values is the so-called gay-agenda. According to some homophobes there is a secret diabolic agenda amongst gay people to break down families by influencing young people to become gay. There are at least three reasons why this is ridiculous. Firstly, as argued in previous articles, it is impossible to change your sexual orientation. Secondly, as stated as well, most gay people would agree that they would've never chose to be gay so why would they try to put others through the same difficulty? Thirdly, research showed that most child molesters are straight, gay people has no interest in your kids.
The fourth threat is the argument that gay marriages would disrupt family values because a true marriage is something sacred and should be between a man and a woman. As said before, how on earth does my same-sex marriage threaten yours? There are many gay marriages and research showed over and over again that children in these families are just as adjusted as kids in straight marriages. In fact, some research suggests that they are generally more adjusted. On the other hand it does not take research to know how un-sacred some straight marriages are. The sanctity of marriage lies in love, trust, and mutual respect - it has nothing to do with the gender of the partners.

If you review the threats mentioned above you will realise that homophobia is at the core of all the real threats to family life and values. Gay relationships only threaten a marriage if homophobes forced a gay person into a straight marriage.
How can you as the parent of a gay kid protect your family? By accepting your child and by giving him/her the freedom to choose the one he/she loves. The moment you take that freedom away, you are the real threat to your family.

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Helping Straight Parents of Gay Children (Part 4 - Protecting Your Family - 1)

2014-05-27T08:26:00.002-07:00

We are your children remember it

By Brand Doubell

If you look through the list of books covering homosexuality and its so-called threat to families there are two opposing views. Eventually you will have to make a choice between these two views and you will have to decide which of them is threatening the survival of your family.
The two opposing views are best represented by two similar sounding book-titles. The first is "Straight Parents, Gay Children - keeping families together" and the second book is called "Gay Children, Straight Parents - A Plan for Family Healing".
The first choice is accepting your child's sexuality and keeping him/her in your family. The second choice is to heal your child of homosexuality and therefor healing the family of the disease.
You have to ask yourself which of these will really protect your family.As a devout Christian I understand the concept of healing diseases and being saved from sinfulness, and as a gay Christian I understand the concept of accepting reality and working towards a peaceful solution. If I look at life through these two perspectives I always remember the prayer of the American Theologian Reinhold Niebuhr:
O God, give us the serenity to accept what cannot be changed
The courage to change what can be changed,
And the wisdom to know the one from the other
I think the choice between these two ways of protecting the family lies in the understanding of the third line of Niebuhr's prayer - The wisdom to know the difference. If homosexuality is a disease that can be treated then I guess that should be your goal, but if it isn't your goal would be the serenity to accept the fact that your child is gay.
The question is therefor whether being gay can be healed - if it is actually a disease/abnormality/disorder.
Many psychologists, theologians, and philosophers have meditated on this and I am afraid not all of them come to the same conclusion. You just have to scan the numerous articles on the internet to see how these opposing views alternate between the different authors. I find myself in a rather unique position on this issue, because I am both educated in Theology and Psychology, and I am both religious and gay. I'm not the only one in this unique position, but we aren't many. Seen from my perspective I may be able to give you four facts:

The most authoritative and largest organization in Psychology is the American Psychological Association. The APA already stated that homosexuality is not a disorder in 1975. All the main research that has been done since then came to exactly the same conclusion. In 2009 the APA stated that therapists should not tell their clients that homosexuality can be treated. This statement followed after an extensive examination rejected the viability of sexual orientation change efforts.

Most mainstream religions and belief-systems are in a transitional stage of opinion about homosexuality. That means there are just as many religious leaders who see homosexuality as sinful or as acceptable. In short, most religions are struggling to come to a decision. As for Christianity, there are two strong points of view - each with their own interpretation of Scripture.

99% of all gay people will tell you that they did not choose to be gay - they were born gay. It should be common sense that no person will choose a life of being rejected by society if he/she could have it any other way.

Most Theologians that has a problem with gay people agree that homosexuality is not the problem. They accept the fact that you are homosexual because you were born that way or raised that way. For them the problem lies in acting upon it. In other words they believe that it is okay to be gay as long as you refrain from gay sex.

Let us review the facts above. The most authoritative psychologists states that homosexuality is not a disorder - it is a normal occurrence. Most gay people will tell you that they did not choose to be gay - they were born gay (in other words a normal occurrence). Most Theologians agree that homosexuality is not the problem - they accept the idea that you were born that way. Roughly half of these Theologians believe that it isn't sinful if you live a gay life; the other half believes it is sinful.
Clearly psychologists, theologians and gay people agree on one thing - Being gay is not a choice and only half of the theologians believe you should not live out the life you were born with.
That brings us back to your choice as a parent. How are you going to protect your family? Are you going to ask your child to change his sexuality or are you going to help him to accept the way he/she was born? Are you going to protect your family by asking one member to change that which is impossible to change or are you going to keep your family together by accepting your gay child?
The wisdom to know the difference between changing what you can, and accepting what you can't. That is what you have to use in choosing how you are going to protect your family. In my mind it isn't a difficult choice to make.

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Helping Straight Parents of Gay Children (Part 3 - Three Typical Reactions)

2014-05-26T01:03:00.002-07:00

Coming out is very emotional

By Brand Doubell

When your child tells you that he/she is gay most parents react in one of three ways. I am not talking about the initial reaction but about your reaction in the weeks to come.
The first possible reaction after a few weeks is acceptance. The second is avoidance and the third is termination.
The fact that you as a parent come to a stage where you accept your child's sexuality does not imply that it came without an effort. If you haven't reached this point or if you do not believe that you will ever come to this point you need to relax about it. Hopefully you will reach the stage of acceptance but you should never force yourself into it. Acceptance comes after a lot of prayer, a lot of tears, and a lot of pain. What makes it so painful for straight parents to hear that their child is gay? There are so many answers to this question. Maybe it is a bit of homophobia within you, maybe it's the fear of rejection you as a parent are going to get from society, maybe it is the fact that you are not going to have grandchildren, or maybe it is because you know that your child is going to be rejected. The first three of these reasons are rather selfish. After all, you are not going to experience a patch of the rejection your child is going to go through. The last reason is the pain you feel for your child and I think every parent that loves his/her child will understand that. Have no doubt about it; even though society is changing there are still a lot of people who will hurt your kid for being gay.
The second possible reaction is avoidance. Many people handle difficult situations by not handling it at all. They are not stupid enough to think that it will work; they just wish the difficult situation will go away in time. Many parents still hope that their gay boy will just meet the right girl and the other way around for the gay girls. The fact is that your child is not going to change. I always compare it to a divorce. A couple start to experience problems in their marriage. After a few months or even years the problems just get bigger and bigger. After another few months or years they decide to go for therapy and after many kinds of therapy they decide they are going to get a divorce. Then after all this, they tell their kids, parents, or friends about it. What is normally the reaction? Someone will say something like "shouldn't you give it another chance?" or maybe "Are you sure?" For the friends and family the idea of a divorce is something new, but for the couple that struggled with it for years it is the final step. I said it is the same as when your child tells you that he/she is gay. For you it is something new, but for them it is something they have struggled with for years. The moment they tell you is actually the final step out of the closet. Don't ever think their coming out is something that will go away; believe me; they've already travelled down that road.
The third reaction, which is impossible to cover in this short article, is termination. It is the saddest reaction of them all. It happens when a parent tells his/her child that they have a choice. Either they pull themselves together (aka, become straight) or the relationship between parent and child will be terminated. This always ends badly. Either the child forces him/herself to live a lie or they say goodbye to their parents, never to see them again. The family breaks in pieces or the gay child breaks in pieces. If the child is strong enough he/she breaks the tie and lives a life without parents. The other side is when the child breaks him/herself to be what is expected. If that happens the parents think they have won the battle, but they have lost their true child all the same. I can't tell you how many broken gay people walk around with that break in their soul. I can't tell you how many next generation-families are torn apart because mom or dad pretended to be straight, tried to be straight and failed. Whatever you do to your child, please don't choose that way, because the destruction never ends. You think you have been successful, but you ruin a lot of people's lives along the way.

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Helping Straight Parents of Gay Children (Part 2 - The 1% That Changed)

2014-05-24T04:07:00.001-07:00

Getting out can be very Traumatic

By Brand Doubell

If you haven't read the Part 1 of this series of articles I suggest you read it before you go on. You will find it on the same website. In Part 1 I argued that only 1% changed after your gay child came out to you as his/her straight parents. Now I would like to discuss the 1% that did change.
Sexual orientation is caused by nature, not nurture. Many so-called fanatics would disagree, but the overwhelming majority of scientists will agree with me on this. That means your child was born gay and the fact that you just heard it does not mean that it hasn't always been the case. In some cases the person who is gay doesn't even realize it until late in their thirties. People often think that the person changed from being straight to being gay, but that isn't the case. Even people who realize it very late in life will tell you that they should have realized it earlier. It was as if they blocked the idea out - they went through a phase of denial.
So what changed? In actual fact the change was in you as the parent. The child didn't change - he/she was gay since birth, but you didn't realise it and now you do. That is actually the only change in the picture. The question is how you are going to handle this change within yourself.
For many parents the realization is an absolute shock and they go through what Kübler-Ross called the five stages of grief. These stages apply to all forms of grief. Whether you go through a divorce, death of a loved one, or any other traumatic experience. Hearing that your child is gay is just as traumatic for some as hearing your child died. In extreme cases parents have told me that they wish their child died in stead. I know that is a terrible thing to say, but all of us say terrible things when we go through traumatic experiences. I will try to explain the stages of grief in this situation as briefly as possible. Other sources explain them in far more detail and it is readily available. These stages just not necessarily follow the same pattern. They are:

The stage of Denial; in this stage you do not want to believe that your child is gay so you reject the fact. You go on as if nothing happened and your child isn't gay at all.
The stage of Anger; in this stage you lose your temper and probably with your child. It is important to remember that this is normal. You aren't really angry at your child; you are angry at the situation. You might also be angry with yourself for making a mistake in raising your child.
The stage of Bargaining; in this stage you might make a deal with God to change your child or you might look for some kind of therapy that will "heal" your child.
The stage of Depression; in this stage you lose the will to live or the will to have a child. You will be sad and you will feel that having a child stole your happiness. You will feel that happiness in your parenthood is lost for ever.
The stage of Acceptance; in this stage you realise that it is pointless to fight against the fact that your child is gay. You start to accept the fact and might even go back to a relationship with your child as if nothing really changed. The fact is - nothing did, the change was only within yourself.

Knowing the path through these stages does not make it any easier, but at least you will understand what you are going through and if your child knows it too it might save the relationship. Unfortunately for gay people and straight parents all over the world, many parents never reach the fifth stage. They get caught in one of the first four. In that case the parent-child relationship crumbles and stop to exist. I am sure that you do not want that to happen so work through your denial, your anger, your bargaining, and your depression, but for everybody in your family's sake get to the last stage. Believe me, it is well worth the effort.

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