Cobwebs in the Whine Cellar

This Knowledge is Too Powerful to Fall Into the Wrong Hands

2012-05-19T00:55:00.000-07:00

Better not post it on the internet or anything....

Justin's Floodlight

2012-05-19T00:53:00.000-07:00

David Thorne is at it again. He's my hero.

From: Justin Flecker
Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 6.52pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Lamp

I received your note but you cant go onto other peoples property and take things, that's trespassing. Massanutten is a wooded area and I installed that light for security. It's a safety issue. I can't help it if some of the light goes across the road, close your curtains if it bothers you.

From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 7.41pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Lamp

Hello Justin,

Thank you for your email. While I accept that curtains are usually the key to community accord, in this instance they would need to be constructed of eight-inch-thick lead sheeting. Last night, with my curtains closed and bedside light off, I read a book. Wearing sunglasses. Under a blanket.

Though unconvinced that blinding local fauna is the best solution, I do understand the heightened need for security living in a wooded area such as the gated community of Massanutten demands. Having formerly lived my entire life in Australia, I am unfamiliar with much of the local wildlife but I did see my first raccoon last week. I stepped outside to have a cigarette and the raccoon, sitting less than five feet away beside an up-ended bin eating the remains of a Domino's Artisan Tuscan Salami pizza, hissed at me. Surprised, I threw myself backwards, rolled several times toward the door, and sprang to my feet holding the welcome-mat above my head to appear taller. Sometime during the roll-spring-mat maneuver, probably during the roll part as it was over gravel and I was wearing shorts and a thin t-shirt so I had to take it slow, the raccoon left. Which probably isn’t as exciting a story as it should be but this isn't Borneo and I’m not Jack London.

I did see a snake the other day though. I picked up a stick to poke it with which also turned out to be a snake. Jumping back in panic, I threw it away from me, but our dog thought I was playing fetch and I had to run and jump over a creek to get away.

As such, this weekend I intend to set up a canister of poisonous gas in my yard with an industrial fan behind it. I can't help it if some of the gas goes across the road.

Regards, David.

From: Justin Flecker
Date: Monday 7 May 2012 2.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Lamp

Is that meant to be a threat? Put something up in your window if you don't like the light, we lived here 5 years before you even moved into the neighborhood and got along perfectly with Ryan who lived at your property before you. We went to his BBQ's and I loaned him our mower. We get along with all our neighbors. I dont know what you people do in your own country but in this country we dont go onto other peoples property and touch their stuff.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 7 May 2012 3.37pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,

In my country, terawatt globes are reserved for police helicopter chases and warning sailors of hazardous shoals. This is despite the fact that practically every living creature there can kill you in under three minutes. Our primary spoken language is screaming.

I'm not surprised you get along well with all the other neighbours. If you put fifty children with Down's syndrome in a room there is going to be a lot of hugging.

And no, it was not a threat. It was an exaggerated response to an uncompromising stance. I was taught never to make a threat unless you are prepared to carry it out and I am not a fan of carrying anything. Even watching other people carrying things makes me uncomfortable. Mainly because of the possibility they may ask me to help.

I did consider installing a floodlight as bright as yours, but this would require some form of carrying things, electrical wiring knowledge, and access to a power supply capable of producing that amount of wattage. Probably fusion. As I am told off by my partner for wasting money when I leave the light on in the bathroom overnight, I can only speculate to what her reaction would be to an electricity bill eight times our annual income for retaliatory garden lighting. She would probably have to get a third job.

It would be much cheaper to stand in my driveway and throw rocks. I can't help it if some of the rocks go across the road. You should probably put something up in your window.

Regards, David.

From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Did you take our lamp again asshole? What part about not being allowed to go on our property don't you get?

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.32am
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,

No, I did not take the light again. I relocated it again. Its current location may be discovered by deciphering the following set of clues to its whereabouts. Perhaps you could invite your friend Ryan over and treat it as a kind of treasure hunt:

1. It's in the letterbox again.

2. Look in the letterbox.

As I realise this probably won't narrow it down much for you, I will give you a third clue in the form of a riddle:

What burns with the light of a thousand suns and is in the letterbox?

Regards, David.

From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 11.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

I put a smaller lamp in so you can shut the fuck up now. Don't email me again and if you ever trespass on our property again I will press charges.

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 2012 12.02pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,

What if I have a barbecue and need to send you an invitation? Is it ok to email you then?

Regards, David.

From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.18pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

No it's not ok.

From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.27pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,

What if I need to borrow your lawn-mower? I can't invite people over for a barbecue and expect them to stand in long grass. Someone might be bitten by a snake. It's a safety issue.

Regards, David.

From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 3.26pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Fuck off back to Austria.

Are You Sure That's The Logo You Want to Go With?

2012-05-19T00:48:00.000-07:00

Well, If It's On The History Channel, It Must Be True

2012-05-19T00:45:00.000-07:00

Thought for the Day

2012-05-19T00:42:00.000-07:00

The Kind of Warning Sign I'd Pay Close Attention to

2012-05-19T00:41:00.000-07:00

Strictly True

2012-05-19T00:30:00.000-07:00

If You Get This, You Are Old.

2012-05-19T00:08:00.000-07:00

Life is Short. Live Funny.

2012-05-19T00:03:00.000-07:00

Treat Me Like Somebody That You Used to Know

2012-05-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

Bragging About It

2012-05-18T01:38:00.000-07:00

Melodramatic Bird Does Hamlet

2012-05-18T01:34:00.000-07:00

If You're a Penguin, All Your Friends Are Dicks

2012-05-18T01:31:00.000-07:00

Can't I Just Live There?

2012-05-18T01:29:00.000-07:00

If You Have Roommates, This is a "Must Have"

2012-05-18T01:27:00.000-07:00

This Will Not End Well

2012-05-18T01:15:00.000-07:00

A School of Devil Rays

2012-05-18T01:09:00.000-07:00

The group of Munkiana Devil Rays were spotted in Baja California Sur, Mexico, by German conservation photographer Florian Schulz. He described how he was able to capture his jaw-dropping image named Flight of the Rays:

"During an aerial expedition I came across something I had never seen before. Not even my pilot, who has surveyed this area for 20 years, had seen anything like it. As we got closer we started to discover its nature: an unprecedented congregation of rays. The group was as thick as it was wide, all heading towards the same direction. I have asked around why this took place but no one has been able to explain it to me. After such a unique sighting, I realise there are so many marvels in the oceans that we are yet to understand"

[telegraph.co.uk]

Gay Cat is FAAAAAABULOUS!

2012-05-18T01:07:00.000-07:00

FaceBook Needs a STUPIDITY Filter

2012-05-18T01:00:00.001-07:00

According to theCHIVE, Facebook could use a "stupid" filter. I tend to agree.

No, it's not Michigan.

Spelling is fundamental.

Vowels? You mean vows?

Bombing Labia?

No, she meant OB-gyn.

No, she got it right the first time.

And all this time I thought she was making ice cream in the attic.

Aren't spelling typos just too precious? No.

Too bad you don't have...oh, say, a spell checker...

Sugar free!

Only his career.

No, pengions.

Board and dumb.

Right. 'Cause pandas and koalas look the same to stupid people.

No regerts the'ir, huh, buddy?

No, he plays touchbutt.

Somebody sterilize Jason before he reproduces.

You mean John Lennon? You are forgiven because you are blonde and we all expect it of you.

Well, a good salad beats a seizure any day.

Yes, that's why they are giant stone triangles in the Egyptian desert and not a circular stone formation in England.

Up and Adam?

He's sad because he really thought it was snow (cocaine) and snorted the whole line.


You are not required to join the celebration.

This is so incredibly stupid that I can't even think of a funny quip to make fun of it.

Didn't you just love how Harry played Frodo in the Lord of the Avengers movies?

I can't mock you for misspelling "Eiffel" when you are already so stupid that you think that is a picture of it.

I'd Hate to Step on That in the Dark With Bare Feet!

2012-05-18T01:00:00.000-07:00

A Lego skyscraper created by a group of 4,000 kids and assembled in Seoul, South Korea has broken the world record for tallest Lego structure, measuring 105 feet tall.

Kids who won a contest in celebration of Lego’s 80th birthday were allowed to help assemble pieces of the 50,000-brick tower, which was completed at an anniversary event on May 13.

Once the final piece was added — by the Crown Prince of Denmark riding on a cherry picker, no less! — the structure edged out the previous record by 31 centimeters.

[dvice.]

Thought for the Day

2012-05-18T00:56:00.000-07:00

I'm Sure You'll Never Regret That Tattoo, Mom

2012-05-18T00:34:00.000-07:00

Sailing? I Dunno...Looks Like There May be a Front Moving in....

2012-05-18T00:30:00.000-07:00

How Common is Your Birthday

2012-05-18T00:19:00.000-07:00

Looking at the dark splotches from July through September tells us a lot about what people are doing in the cold winter months between November and January, doesn't it?

Source: nytimes.com / via: thedailyviz.com

One of These Things is Not Like the Other....

2012-05-17T02:00:00.000-07:00

la, la, la...one of these things just isn't the same, humm, hum, de dummmm....

See if you can guess them all. The answers are under each picture. No cheating now!

Via: attackofthecute.com

Answer: The cat in the middle looks like a pig.

Via: missnichols.edublogs.org

Answer: One of the penguins is walking away because he was not invited to the penguin party.

Via: aplacetolovedogs.com

Answer: One of the puppies is awake.

Via: eons.com

Answer: Trick question! These pugs are all the same.

Via: builder.cheezburger.com

Answer: The grey puppy is only pretending to be asleep.

Via: intricateart.com

Answer: The central puppy is in the midst of an existential crisis; none of the other puppies have a particularly philosophical frame of mind.

Via: intricateart.com

Answer: Trick question! No one collects beanie babies anymore.

Via: randomosityblog.com

Answer: The kitten on the left just won the lottery.

Via: billjurgensen.wordpress.com

Answer: Trick question! The standing meerkat is clearly a Photoshop job. Meerkats are too lazy to stand.

Via: wannasmile.com

Answer: The smaller owl is only pretending to be sad and confused. She is actually a very together owl most of the time.

Via: wannasmile.com

Answer: One of these dogs is a teddy bear.

Via: prikol.bigmir.net

Answer: The one on the right is actually a penguin pretending to be a rabbit.

Via: cambridge-news.co.uk

Answer: The owl at the top of the picture did not go out drinking last night.

Via: squidoo.com

Answer: One of these cats wearing bunny ears doesn't think this whole thing is as funny as the others do.

Via: facebook.com

Answer: Boo!!!

[With thanks to Buzzfeed!]