Why go with the injection method though? Seems like the fastest way to disinfect your body from the inside out would be through a new, tasty cocktail. Enjoy!

The post The COVID-19 appeared first on Cocktails for Survival.

When the battle was won and General Washington had control of all the colonial airports, in an attempt to subvert additional threats, all airports were burned to the ground, leaving nothing but charred cinders and a few sets of captain’s wings buried deep beneath the debris. In fact, the knowledge of flight was lost not long after and only rediscovered in the early 1900s when the Wright Brothers unearthed a set of long lost B52 bomber blueprints in the basement of their home, which unbeknownst to them had been the original site of Norfolk International Airport. The original ORF was destroyed by a highly trained battalion of soldiers lead by none other than Aaron Burr.

In honor of this momentous event in our esteemed United States history, we bring you this new drink, which you may or may not drink while ramming the ramparts.

The Battle of LaGuardia

Ingredients:

• 3 oz light rum
• 2 oz orange juice
• 1 oz cranberry juice
• 1/2 oz. lime juice
• 1 T. simple syrup
• 1 T. grenadine

Add all ingredients to a cocktail shaker with ice, shake well, and strain into a hurricane glass filled with ice. This drink is widely available in the first class lounges at most major airports, but don’t try to order it at LGA or risk being ejected from the airport and missing your flight.

The post The Battle of LaGuardia appeared first on Cocktails for Survival.

Pour the vodka into a glass with ice and mix it with beer, because you like beer. Put your hand over the mouth of the glass and shake it. Turn the music up loud so no one can hear. We recommend UB40. Strain the drink into a glass. Throw the ice at a townie. Question people about where they like to ejaculate, yell about Clinton conspiracies, kick back, and enjoy.

The post The Kavanaugh appeared first on Cocktails for Survival.

Trump was probably flipping through the channels one night looking for Faux News when his finger got tired, and he landed on an old episode of Star Trek. Imagining himself to be as good with the ladies as Captain Kirk, Trump thought, “I’ve groped all the humans I can grope – what I really need is to be able to grab aliens by their genitals!”

What better way to show those sexy aliens who’s boss than by creating a Space Force to go shoot at them? Pew pew! I mean, the guy doesn’t have any compassion for other humans, why would we expect him to have any empathy for aliens? Just like 99.9% of the population of this planet, whatever lifeforms lurk out there are Trump’s to fondle and exploit (not necessarily in that order – only if they’re hot).

Look, one of the comedians behind Drunk Publius is married to a literal rocket scientist, and even that person thinks this is a colossally terrible idea. Great ideas include funding NASA, following international laws and international treaties, and not watching sci fi when you’re on Ambien.

In zero G, mix 3/4 oz green creme de menthe, 3/4 oz white creme de cacao, and 3/4 oz light cream in a cocktail shaker. Shake until chilled and strain into a cocktail glass. Keep drinking until a sixth space-based branch of the US military sounds like a good idea.

The post Mudder’s Space Force Milk appeared first on Cocktails for Survival.

Ultimately, when you start pouring the Caged Baby, your only defense is probably that you aren’t the guy drinking the Murdered Puppy (almost certainly coming soon).

The Caged Baby

Ingredients:

• 1 oz tequila
• ½ oz lime juice
• ½ oz simple syrup
• 4 oz champagne
• Ice

Directions: 
Combine tequila, lime juice, and simple syrup into a shaker full of ice. Strain into a champagne flute and combine with champagne.

The post The Caged Baby appeared first on Cocktails for Survival.

Common wisdom says that you don’t put your dick in crazy. But there’s nothing common about Donny Two Scoops. He’s the best. Kim Jong Un is exciting, young, and has low expectations. He’s unpredictable. Erotically cruel.  What’s it going to be? Good Kim funneling piles of cash earned by exploiting his slave population into Trump Organization properties? Or is it going to be Bad Kim launching a nuclear weapon into an ally’s population center? The uncertainty is . . . mmmm, delicious. You what else is delicious? The Canadian Conflict!

The post The Canadian Conflict appeared first on Cocktails for Survival.

It’s a bummer.

Have no fear, Mr. Cohen, we’re here to help. That’s what we do. Fix up this drink to help you cope with your impending disbarment and probable prison sentence.

The FBI Raid

Ingredients:

• 2 oz vodka
• 1 oz Bailey’s Irish Cream
• 1 oz coffee liquor
• 3 oz vanilla ice cream

Directions: 

Blend all ingredients with 1.5 cups of crushed ice. Top with whipped cream and a cherry.

Pairs well with the Dark and Stormy, but not The Trump.

The post The FBI Raid appeared first on Cocktails for Survival.

A president, a porn star. Nothing surprises us here in the alternative universe we live in where Trump was elected president. Also, in this alternative universe, our president is as obsessed with watching television as he is with tweeting and boinking porn stars. For tonight’s entertainment beverage, we give you a porn star worthy drink to keep you and your smile company as you watch 60 Minutes and the dark and stormy twitter blizzard simultaneously.

• 1 ½ oz coffee liqueur
• 1 oz silver tequila
  
• ½ oz orange liqueur
  
• Splash of orange juice
  
• Dash or orange bitters

The post The Dark and Stormy appeared first on Cocktails for Survival.

But, do not mistake his retiring, good-natured demeanor with a lack of passion or grit. Still waters run deep. And his dark fury when roused to anger is legendary. Rivers run red with the blood of his enemies, the landscape piled high with the skulls of men he has killed with his bare hands. Or, would have except for the bone spurs. Vietnam would have gone much differently had we had the quiet, efficiently deadly Private Trump stalking the jungles. The Viet Cong would have learned to fear the night. Stupid osteophytes.

So, when we mourn the dead of Parkland, we mourn also the cruel fate that sent President Trump elsewhere that day. Had he been on campus (and not suffered from a debilitating heel condition), Donald J. Trump would surely have charged into Building 12 of Stoneman Douglas High School – his bare hands more than a match for the killer’s AR-15. Or, maybe like John McClain made real, he would have caught the shooter unaware. “Yippee Ki-Yay Motherfucker!” coming from the President’s little-used mouth would be the last sound he heard before feeling Trump’s powerful (albeit tiny) hands around (part of) his throat.

Alas, destiny wasn’t to be as our president was surely somewhere doing important work and definitely not playing golf.

The post The Would-Be Savior appeared first on Cocktails for Survival.

NAAD spokesman, “‘Alcoholism’ is just a myth made up the Anti-Saloon League. And besides, what about people who drive better after a few beers? Alcohol regulations dishonor the Founding Fathers who were very pro-alcohol. First President George Washington operated a distillery. Would you call him an alcoholic? I think you see my point here.”

Changes the NAAD is demanding include:

• lowering the legal drinking age to 18
• allowing alcohol sales at alcohol shows with no ID required
• allowing all-age sales of alcohol at alcohol shows
• changing the BAC for drunk driving to 4.0
• requiring teachers to drink alcohol in the classroom
• making Cocktails for Survival, volume 1 & volume 2, required text for any alcohol treatment program

These are simply the first steps in solving the alcoholism problem in the US.  Senator Marco Rubio (R-Fl) is slated to sponsor this new legislation. (As soon as the check clears.) NAAD feels certain that as a result of these new laws, drunk driving accidents will decrease, job productivity will increase, and clearly, everyone will be happier.

President Trump has issued a statement that he agrees with this new legislation because of all the new jobs it will create.

The post The Constitutional Carryout appeared first on Cocktails for Survival.