Cod Fishing In Cinerama

Why didn't I think of that?

2013-02-14T18:31:00.003-08:00

I am always so excited/ jealous when I see great ideas.

Here are some that I wish I thought of first...

Using those crappy foil baloons for sick humour.

Making friends with pigeons. There are loads of pigeons.

Meeting girls at car racing, you meet classy girls at car races.

Bacon for one. Plus your girlfriend's hair will smell of bacon grease, which can't possibly be a bad thing.

Oh my god. Waterproof computers, would people stock fucking around making computers faster and smaller and sexier... just make a goddamn waterproof one.

This takes fountains to a whole new level.

Hammocks on the train... make it rain!

This is quite possibly the most important invention ever, how have we not lived for billions of years without thinking about making our shit look more fancy before we flush it.

I wish I was as smart and suave as Bill Gates.

A bed that you can walk on during the day, genius. Now I don't have to walk out of the lounge room when I go to sleep.

God bless America.

Now that is a smart way to advertise.

Work harder, not smarter!

MIND = BLOWN

Happy friday.

Drunk...

2013-02-07T19:12:00.002-08:00

Imagine if you could be drunk all the time and never get a hang over. Imagine the posibilities....

You could drive your speed boat and not give a fuck about your passengers.

You could wear the craziest shit to parties and people would understand.

You could hang out all day and never get bored, cold, washed, a job.

You could think up awesome inventions uninhibited by social norms.

Get loads of tattoos you'll never regret because you'll never sober up.

You could wear cutting edge jumpers.

Eat loads of pizza.

Think up amazing excuses and reason like a pro.

You could knit a giant monkey with oversized genetalia.

You would probably think this looked delicious.

Hot girls would fall in love with you, or at least you would think they do.

DRUUUUUUUUUUUUNK.

You could ask stupid ass questions.

You could tell the computer what you really think about it.

You'd see loads of crazy shit involving animals and toilets I bet.

You would hear bullshit ideas and take them as fact and live your life on a new, higher plain.

So get boozing like these lads, it hasn't done them any harm.

If you're not drunk by now...Go fuck yourself.

Happy Friday.

People I Hate Right Now

2013-01-31T19:11:00.002-08:00

I'm sooo mad right now. So here is my list of people I hate for no particular reason...

Whoever decided to cancel Friends. Come on, could that show BE an funnier? Why cancel it punk?

Celebrities with stupid names.

People who violate rules of fashion.

Orangutangs who can't hold their booze.

Smart arse pricks with sideburns.

The ironic/ non ironic divide that I am never sure when to cross.

Musicians.

Random dudes.

Interpretive dancers.

Bald jerks who hate on muscle men.

People who blow dinosaurs.

People who wear non ironic mullets.

Inappropriate use of sticky tape.

Families who don't support their talented daughters... no matter what the talent is.

Faux goths.

Pot heads.

Liars.

Tourists!

Worst Fancy Dress Ideas Ever!

2012-12-06T22:06:00.001-08:00

Woo hoo.... fancy dress christmas party.

Let's get this party started people with the baggiest pair of pants EVER made.

Here's frank wearing a hat he made from his dead dog, very thrifty frank.

A sloth is fancy... here is terry, wearing a sloth.

Remember, no matter what you wear, make sure you can rip it up on the dancefloor in it.

Classy classy class dress.

Would an old man lie?

Fuck you Clarkson.

Ewwww.... faaaannnthy.

OH MY GOD.... WANT... nom nom nom.

Not a fancy hat.

Very fancy hat.

Fancy dress isn't so fancy the morning after.

Would a fat person lie.

What? I don't even know what this is!

I know what this is, and I like it.... bacon.

Extreme knitting... nice... but can you wear it?

Psy... it's ok... we still love you bro.

Home made fancy dress is best! Maybe.

And if you can't find fancy dress... go Nigel Pepper Cock style!

Boom.

Time to Go(van)

2012-08-30T21:18:00.000-07:00

So THE Govan is leaving....what a bummer.

Here's my guide on how to know when it's time to go....

When even bogans and monkeys are telling you to get fucked.

When Chad whatever his name is can get a girl despite the atrocities to music he commits.

When even the team you're rooting for want to smack you in the face.

When people like this are allowed to walk the streets.

When piercings get so intense you have a bike through your fucking mouth.

When your neighbour leaves subtle hints not to park in front of their gate.

When your own grandpa wants to fuck your shit up, on your birthday!

When you can't even eat in peace anymore.

When two wrongs start to make a right.

When your hairdo is no longer as edgy as you thought it would be.

When this bloke plays wonderwall for the 900th time.

When even nature wants to beat up on you.

And seagulls, the worlds most annoying animal, are finding you annoying.

That's when it's time to go.

So Go(van). We will miss you. But today is the day.

All the best mate.

Wow... thank you

2012-08-26T20:20:00.000-07:00

I can't believe this... thank you

I am more famous than the guy who jumped his dirt bike over christ

More soul than all the jazz players in Asia

Better than all the Jewish surfers that ever existed

More popular than the orange penguin.

Mind blow. Thank you.

More Goats than you can Goat a Goat Stick At

2012-08-23T21:16:00.003-07:00

Goats...fuck yeah

Rock and Roll loving goat!

Pay attention.

I said don't pick up the fucking goat man. Can't you fucking read?

Goat justice

BEST PRIZE EVER!

Impressive.. but not a goat!

I'm a fucking goat! Fuck yeah!

Goats wouldn't even get captured in the first place.

Ahhhh... goats.

I wish I was a goat, but I'm a wet koala! Fuck.

Goats never hump children. Goats aren't saggy. Goats are waay awesome you dumb dog.

This is the goat castle of my dreams. One day I will live here.

Fuck you goats, you are so fucking awesome it makes me sad.

Shit that can't be unseen!

2012-08-02T21:17:00.001-07:00

Avert your eyes now, once you've seen, you can't unsee...

Manboobs.

Piss in the mouth!

Very pregrant rady.

Not the kind of toy I'd like to play with.

Why, why would you even do this?

Multi-tasking mum.

I think this is Steve Buscemi as a kid.

This guy REALLY likes octopus.

Not that I need an excuse not to attend sexpo, but if I was looking for an excuse not to go, this bloke would be the reason I give.

Get a room!

This is offensive on so many levels, I need to take a shower!

I'll never eat another pie without thinking of this creepy ass pie.

Vomit.

Excuses

2012-07-12T23:17:00.000-07:00

I realise that I haven't posted in a while, but I've been busy, so back the fuck off. No seriously, here's why I've been so busy...

I spent two months figuring out why so many people love basketball so much, until I saw these guys who explained it so well.

I spent a week explaining to this girl that her finger symbols mean nothing in gang sign language. She was devastated.

World's best hide and seeker, it took me a day in woolies to find this bloke.

I took out a law suit against Ronald McDonald for grooming my cousin.

I had a job with a motivational poster company for a month till they fired me for this bad boy.

I went into a state of deep depression and couldn't leave the house for nine days after I met this lady.

I've been working really hard on teaching my daughter how to draw well, she's REALLY good at drawing dildoes now.

I went to the new Spider Man movie.... god damn I had no idea how twisted it was.

This midget stole my three wheeler and it took me five weeks to track him down.

I fell in love with a sexy fish and we eloped on an island off the coast of Queensland.

Emma, oh Emma. So practical. You save my marriage!

I took a job at the Births Deaths and Marriage Registry. I am now ready to write my thesis on the fact that bogans are breeding faster than regular people.

Took my family to remote Asian resort, even the statues are sex pests there.

I spent a month explaining irony to this bloke.

So there you go. Happy Friday.

Poop quietly my friends.

Bad Pets

2012-04-26T21:25:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking long and hard about it, and here are some animals I DEFINITELY don't want as pets....

Psycho Horses

Morose cats

Shitty pigs

Hungry leopards

Chihuahuas in general

Fish who wear chicken suits

Yappy dogs

Crocodiles

Dogs who read dog porn

Monkeys who give me condescending looks because they are better dressed than me

Self righteous cats (which is most cats)

A shit load of bears in a tree (a couple I can handle, but never a shit load)

Bad ass pugs

Agressive geese

Large dogs (= large shits)

A sloth, look at it's creepy small eyes!

Psycho/robo dogs

Dogs with a penchant for interior design

Again with the self righteous cats (this time gangster style)

Chickens with their "jiggly things"

A unicat

Dogs that wear sunglasses at night.

Basketball loving turtles.

Psycho horses with boners.

Oh my god, that horse is raping a cop.

Oh my horse is copping a rape.

Oh.

No.

AYFKM

2012-04-12T21:14:00.014-07:00

Quick, we don't have much time, the weekend is approaching and there aren't enough funny pictures on the internet. Just insert with your mind "Are you fucking kidding me" after every picture............

Oh... and One Direction- ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

#AYFKM

Happy Friday

Berry MAN

2012-03-15T20:59:00.010-07:00

Sydney is losing two of the biggest balls in town.... Berryman's berries, man.

Here's the MANly things we're going to miss about Berry MAN His emo eyeliner.
Mad DJ skills.

Stories about how he was raped by a dolphin "back in Nam."

His excellent vehicles and equally great phantom poo stories.

His ability to pull chicks.

His dedication to fancy dress.

And his otherwise excellently hip fashion sense.

His dedication to watersports.

This picture has nothing to do with dave, but is pretty funny.

In a nutshell, dave, you are as suave as this vietnamese dude, and we're gonna miss ya.

Fuck off.

Phallus Maximus Part 2

2012-02-16T19:16:00.000-08:00

Innappropriate shit for a shit day...

That's assault sister!
A picture says a thousand inappropriate words.

Unless you're commenting on an Usher youtube clip.

Phallus maximuuuuuuuuuus!

Phallus minimus.

Whose phallus?

This is just anal.

Enough to put you off urinating in public for life.

Enough to make me want to urinate in public for life... this kid makes it look so fun.

Happy Wangday.

Valentines Gay

2012-02-09T19:18:00.000-08:00

Dreading another Valentines day alone? Fear not, here are some people who will also be alone next tuesday (and probably deserve to be)...
Simon loves beer and watermelon. Most women do not love Simon.

Raul my brother, spewing is not classy, even when you are wearing a nice pirate shirt and vest combo.

Igor will write you a love song. Ladies?

Jenny recently divorced her recent groom, citing in the divorce papers that he "had no standards".

Kim, let go of the spin class obsession!

Um.... this IS totally gay.

Shaun recently discovered that once something has been done, it can't be undone.

Paul is an old school gentleman in a "so old school I stick my weiner in a young boy like the ancient greeks did" kind of way.Hank loves ice-cream. But no lady do date has melted his cold cold heart.

Guys wearing make up is just wrong.

Ummm. Same goes for women sometimes too.

Randy gives a hint as to why his friends call him fanta pants.

Veronika likes them hard as granite!!!

Happy V day.

Summer Holidays

2012-01-12T20:42:00.001-08:00

OK, so that I don't have to answer the same question 100 times, here's what I did with my summer holidays... Took the kids to Greenpatch to see some kangaroo(t)s
Then we went to a bad ass theme park with bad ass friends.

Got me a sweet deal on an invisibility cloak in the boxing day sales.

Spent the evenings drinking wine and solving crimes.

I did a drawing class.

Experimented with facial hair.

Ate many delicious ice-creams.

Caught up on the news.

Did some animal science experiments.

Went swimming.

And hung out by the pool with my homies.

Crappy new year.

The Airing of Grievances

2011-12-22T14:21:00.000-08:00

Today is Festivus. And now we will commence the Airing of Grievances ritual. Here's my shit list for 2011..... Masterchef: I've had enough of it, three (or is it four now?) twat hosts critiquing twat wannabe chefs and spawning an entire twat audience who suddenly think that they know everything about food and take photos of every semi-decent meal they order and post it on the internet.
Friends: I have a terrible feeling that in the not too distant future a Friends re-union show will become a real possibility. To the producers of the show I say this now: DON'T DO IT- haven't you inflicted enough pain on the world?

My moustache: I kind of grew a moustache as a joke but now I'm completely attached to it even though I know it makes me look like a sex pest.

Wrangers: wrangers always give me the shits.

Hangovers: I'm finding that as the years pass by the hangovers get worse and worse, the 18 year old me could drink 7 pints of guiness and spring out of bed. Now I only need to drink half that amount and I wake up with nightsweats and feel like spewing for the next week.

Sarah Jessica Parker: who keeps giving this lady work, seriously?

Vivisection: Fun when they happen, a pain in the ass to clean up the next day.

El nina: Those heatwaves in January where is was like 40 degrees at 3 in the morning, worst sleep ever!

Documentaries about weird sex fetishes: Channel 9 seems to air these every second night. They are not interesting, they are not really even documenatries, they are clearly designed for teenage boys to get cheap thrills. Channel 9, there's this thing called the internet and teenage boys don't need these shows to get their thrills anymore.

Emoticons: don't do it!

Being sick: worst thing ever.

iPhones: do you really need to access the internet at every minute of your waking life?

Fake tan: I always have and always will hate fake tan.

Apple: Steve Jobs dies and it's like he's the messiah. He made computers and ran a pretty ruthless and amoral company but looked cool. Bill Gates donates a fair slab of his money into charities and he's a jerk though?

Hipsters: Fixies are shit.Graduation photos: A friend of mine's daughter finished pre-school last week and they held a cap and gown ceremony, in pre-school. Fuck off.

Facebook: I finally caved and joined facebook. I can see that it would be really good if you lived in Antarctica and wanted to catch up with friends. But do I really care that someone I went to school with is getting a haircut/ ate a delicous curry/ works in a real estate agency/ got wasted/ is watching UFC tonight? No.

Occupy Movement shut downs: Governments can't really maintain a facade of democracy when peaceful protests are shut down with force. And despite all the good things the occupy movement is doing, it's still mostly preaching to the converted, which is the real shame.

The price of banannas: Bring back $3/kg!

2 and a half men: The show was shit before Charlie Sheen went nuts, but to continue on like it did, $hame, $hame, $hame.

Bad drivers: Everytime a car swerves into my lane I can guarantee you they are texting.

Guys who wear bandannas and tank tops and baggy jeans with their arse hanging out and super tight jeans and high heels: don't they just give you the shits?

Happy festivus and merry christmas.

Goats

2011-12-20T19:50:00.001-08:00

It's no secret, I love goats. A lot of people ask me why. Well here's why mofos.... Appreciation of hardcore punk
Useful horns and kinship with monkeys.

Sun smart eyewear.

Enjoys cycling.

Buys cigarettes from dodgy caravans.

Loverrrrrrrrrrrrrs.

Do NOT google GOATSE.

Signs

2011-12-14T17:43:00.000-08:00

In the lead up to the end of the year I will attempt to publish daily themed posts (in an attempt to clean out my hard drive).
Today's theme is.... signs.....

More Game than Berlusconi

2011-09-22T23:03:00.000-07:00

In the wake of further freakiness from the Italian PM who apparently was wiretapped admitting that he "wished he could be with the babes full time, but I have to be a part time prime minister", here's a few more players who are equally as ballsy/ stupid as Berlusconi... Rocky the Turtle pays no attention to your lame ass rules and WILL be busting out.

Rocky the Turtle is Audi 5000.
Pink Dog, unless you have a time machine and travel back to when Pretty Woman was released, you are incorrect.
The only thing funnier than a stupid burglar story, is a stupid burglar story with a joke in it.
Darren and Tito don't need no swimming pool season pass this summer, they got themselves a hose and garbage bags. Living it large this summer. Ladies?

Dad! Are you kidding me? You can't turn up to a party with Cheese and Onion chips. No one likes that shit!

In my mind, this is a Limp Bizkit concert and they are tossing this bloke around while an overweight Fred Durst sings "rollin, rollin, rollin".

How tempted do you think that cop is to drop kick the junior fascist back to the Third Reich?

Jenny is pretty much the whole reason emo music was invented.

Kylie: 'oh yeah, got some sweet ass consomme in my fancy meal boys! Wait. Forget what I said.'

Lesson of the day: Stop fucking taking photos of your food with your camera phones people. It's food, we all eat it every day. I don't really care what your dinner looks like. Fuck Off with your facebook posts about what you are eating and what it looks like.

George from Masterchef.

The only person in the history of television who manages to over act on a reality tv show.

Terry wants to do lingerie shoots, when the babes say no, all he hears is "why don't YOU get your undies out."

Gary and Rick, the two biggest douches you've met today...

Until you meet Shaun. He likes Korn and plays softball.

Shaun is waiting for you to PM him with your number and your favourite milshake flavour.

Happy Friday.

Shit Boring Stories Begone

2011-09-01T20:52:00.000-07:00

I've been inundated with mundane stories and semi-shit jokes of late. It's time to restore the balance before I lose all faith in humanity. Here are some actually interesting things I've done lately.... I participated in Harry Potter week. I love Harry Potter!

I helped my little brother write an essay on the greatest doctor in the modern age... Dr Dre.

Me and my neighbour bought a sword and went all Samurai on a pumpkin.

I installed something we all want to drink at the water cooler at work.

I gave my cousin a kick arse computer game that may or may not have turned him into a little queer.

I opened a dagwood dog store outside the Sistine Chapel. How could that possibly go wrong?

I invented the worlds first edible jumper. It's greasy as fuck and dogs are always hassling me when I wear it, but who wouldn't want a pizza to keep them warm?

I got the most obscure tattoo I could think of.

I finally got round to bathing my llama.

To calm a llama down one must cool a llama down.

I invented the greatest invention the worlds of hair care and pho have ever known

I got a moose addicted to iced coffees and let it loose in a Starbucks.

I trained my dog how to shit on the toilet.

What will YOU do this weekend?

First Dates

2011-08-04T20:59:00.000-07:00

Here's some advice for blokes going on first dates this weekend... Don't go on a double date with your better looking best friend, especially if that best friend is Luke Perry.
Pay for the cab, don't try and sneak your way into someone else's by hiding in their luggage.

Don't bring your art sketch book, NO ONE CARES how much you like David Schwimmer. And you can't draw for shit anyway.

Don't throw pinecones, especially if your head kind of looks like one.

First dates are not the occasion to get your whacky hat out.

Computer skills is not an interesting topic of conversation.

Cheeseburgers are not legal tender.

Being stoned won't make you seem more aloof, it will make you look like a stoner douche.

Body hair is an acquired taste, don't put it out there on the first date!

And a gentleman NEVER kisses and tells.

Happy Friday.

Who's Party?

2011-06-30T23:25:00.000-07:00

Someone's having a party, here's your clues...

Dressing up like the Karate Kid

Stories of Sheldon on a motorbike.

Excessive toilet humour.

Stories of getting stoned in the old days.

Stories of hot cats at the rodeo.

Excellent nineties nostalgia value.

Fine dining.

Plenty of booooooooooooze.

Ain't no party like a Tidswell party.

Happy Birthday Becs.

Happy Friday.

RIP everyone's liver if you are going out with Becs tonight.

Edgy Cross Stitch

2011-06-02T22:42:00.001-07:00

Ever since I noticed that American Apparel had kind of lost their edginess...I've been on the lookout for what the latest cutting edge cotton based artform will be. My friends, I present to you CROSS STITCHING WITH ATTITUDE...
What better way to express your disgust than by very slowly stitching a message to the girl you met online who used a picture of Brittany Murphy (RIP) to trick you into thinking she was hot.

If there was ever a mantra worth embroidering, this is it.

Yeah Horatio, and you can't cross stitch for shit you cheesy CSI bastard.

No my friend, YOU are tripping.

This one is the perfect mix of a classic prayer and a classic movie.

Yes, I am for real obscurely placed cross stitch with attitude.

Nuff said.

I didn't see the movie, but a cross stitch told me it was shit.

I've always dreamt of finding a tea towel with attitude.

Oh shit, I just found my new mantra, sorry "Time To Suck Today's Dick", you're on your own.

Yeah, get back at fashion with fashion itself, way to go.

WTF?

Yeah, in case you were wondering, I love the internet, and I've been collecting these pictures of cross stitching for over a year now, and this post is really just an elaborate way to clean out my hard drive.

Way to go internet.

Happy friday.

Apocalypse... Later

2011-05-26T20:40:00.000-07:00

So, it turns out that the world didn't end, I mean, I can't see any red skies or mushroom clouds from where I'm sitting, thanks for getting us all excited over nothing doomsayers.
I'm with Angela, I'm over people saying the world's going to end.

In my opinion, the world isn't ending because...

The world is filled with so much love right now.

And it's not quite a crime to own cats yets.

I spun this record backwards and it didn't say "21/5/11 the world will end." It actually said "Buy excessive amounts of toilet paper when you see a sale."

Besides, I haven't set up my Apocalpse swingers club yet, it's a place for people to go and get off when the world actually is going to end. This lady got a bit carried away last week I see.

Osama "hide and seek champion of the world" bin Laden is now gone, so who's going to usher in Armageddon?

The point is, if you're going to die, you're going to die, especially if you don't listen to Slayer.

Happy Friday... for the time being.

Lucky Symbols

2011-05-19T22:43:00.000-07:00

For all those johnny hard to impressers who aren't flipping a nut right now because 'money bags' month is almost upon us, here are a couple of other obscure lucky charms from around the world you've probably never heard of... In Korea, if your cat is dressed like an astronaught you will have good luck every second tuesday as long as it's not raining.
In France, you can eat cheese that's aikin to 'warm poo' and you will find your love life triples amongst the opposite sex (provided the said opposite sex also enjoys eating warm poo).

Using an iPad to take photos at a rock concert will instantly turn you into a douche bag in hipster communities on the west coast of America.

Bald people who wear fake ed hardy in Thailand will grow hair on their chins that they can later transplant to their head if they go to a backyard surgeon in Krabi.

If a slutty man washes your pink stretch hummer in Denmark you will find bountiful crackers in your cupboard for seven months.

In North Eastern fishing communities, naming your boat a childish comound word that doesn't really exist will lead to an excellent yield of lobsters for the season.

In Portugal, if you eat freeze dried sausage pizza you will be able to see in x ray vision the next time you are playing Street Fighter II at timezone.

English midlanders believe that if you deny the death of Brittany Murphy then your cows will produce creamier milk.

In China, if you catch a suicidal bride your entire family will be immune to the clap.

In Japan, if you eat inappropriately titled noodle snacks you will be funny to the western world.

In Austria, eating an ice cream like a rabid dog will absolve any infidelity worries you are having with your wife/ husband.

The Spanish believe that if a pregnant lady eats nothing but ham while gravid, then you will have a daughter, who co-incidentally will grow up to be a lumpy ham obsessed tween.

Go money bags.

Vive Jamon.

Happy birthday to meeeeeeeeee!

Happy friday to youse all.

And fuck you Peter Piper, and your peck of pickled peppers... you fucking pickled pepper picker.