Coffee Candor

Of Life and Loss of Love

2018-10-08T16:13:00.001-04:00

Originally posted on my other blog 2009:

Feeling older,
incomplete,
turning inward,
can't compete,
while thoughts abounding,
in my head,
of escaping - hiding,
are being fed.

Withdraw and flee,
the only way,
cannot take it,
must be a way,
to understand,
and make it be,
no...
cannot change it,
is it me?

If it is, I need to go
can't go through it
anymore,
Life is great,
then crashing down,
roller coaster
spinning round.
Rolling coasters
seem to be
my endless downfall
- enemy.

Never knowing
what comes next
but see it clearly
seems complex.
See it coming
face the truth
or hide and wait
for living proof.

Self fulfilling
prophecy?
Something different
meant to be?
Exit sanely
keep the cool,
wading deeper
in the pool.

But what of love?
That cosmic joke!
See the bear..
take a poke.
Trust your heart
feel the sting
never seeing
what it brings.

Know the truth
see it come
struggle deep
for peace not won.
Blast of hatred
for self and man
kindred spirits?
just a scam?.

But what of love
that cosmic joke?
Feel the fire
smell the smoke.
Grasp the flames
slipping through
denying logic
drowning you.

Kindred thoughts
too much, too fast
too many hurts
stuck in the past.
Breaking free
from deeds unwon
spinning forces
come undone.

~Bodecoa

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Spillage and Sewage

2018-10-08T16:11:00.000-04:00

First published on my other blog 7/7/09:

Spillage and Sewage:

In the darkness of day, it slides in
clouding over with it's night.
Blocking the light of it's passion, never knowing what is lost.

Light encloses me, engulfs me, suspends me, torments me
I escape to the darkness of the beating heart.
And fall, deeper to the blinding pits.

Shallow graves build upon the lives of the chosen ones,
unseeing, unknowing, unfeeling, unshowing.
Blasted in and out - in one false showing.

Many parts have many forces,
singularly flowing to the masses of choices.
Never knowing - never growing.

Happenstance, circumstance, evolution and living
blasts apart the schism of time, eroding it to the infinite wisdom
spooling over , with endless rhyme.
~Bodecoa

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Life is like a Twister game...

2011-11-01T11:50:00.000-04:00

As a child, if I had realized how much we could learn from the game Twister, I might not have played it so much.

You see, I think life is a series of decisions, much like Twister. Life tells you what the circumstances are that are going to play out for you today - "right foot red" - and we react to the circumstance by choosing which red spot to put it on. There are always choices in everything we do - sometimes they are limited; sometimes we have to struggle against ourselves or other people to get to the choice we want, but we have choices.

I think that the Twister Game of Life is a much larger field of dots, however. It is a vast and ever-growing field of dots and with each one that we choose...

we move over on the board, one spot. From this spot, we are surrounded with more spots (decisions) to choose from. Slowly but surely we make our day-to-day life decisions and move around the playing field - each one bringing us in the direction of our choosing.

Now, sometimes we meet up with other people on our spot journey. These people are making their decisions too and very often we find ourselves intertwined with someone else. This person might be someone that we gel with very well and then we go along together making decisions and having fun, moving across the field, dancing to the choices we make in our lives. Or we come across people who we have to fight with in order to get to our chosen spot. At this point we have a choice, we can stand there and fight a constant battle of push and shove to get to the chosen spot or we can look around and see if there is a different route to take to get to the spot we want. Sometimes it means stepping out of our comfort zone and jumping two spots over and then sliding back again when we feel it's safe, sometimes it's just a matter of leaning a little to allow that person to pass, but either way, we are still the ones in control of our overall choices.

The trouble comes in when we don't really pay attention to the spots we are choosing. If we allow others to push and steer us in a direction that we don't really want to be in we can find ourselves 50 or more spaces away from the spot we thought we wanted and very close to somewhere that we just don't want to be.

Making our way back to where we want to be can be a difficult task, so pay attention to where your life and your decisions are taking you. Remember to lean out of the way of danger, to push your way through when you feel that life is steering you the wrong way and to dance when you find someone who will dance with you.

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Experimental Happiness

2011-03-18T12:24:00.008-04:00

Have you ever asked yourself what it means to be happy? I would venture to say that for each person, the answer would probably be somewhat similar, but vastly different.

Some people would say being rich would make them happy, or having this car or that kind of house or this particular job, etc. Others would be more apt to think about friendships, families and personal relationships. And still others would think about being at peace with their surroundings, or in tune with themselves.

What does real happiness feel like?
If I were to describe it, I would say things like, "loving", "caring", "warm fuzzy feelings", "smiling", "state of well-being", and struggle to give words to something that isn't really all that describable.

There are things - events and memories - that I can call to mind to remind myself of what happiness feels like, but for the most part happiness isn't tangible. It isn't something you can hold. It isn't the drawing that your child just gave you that claims that you are the "World's Best Mom", it is the feeling of love or acceptance or devotion that the "thing" brings out in you. That is what happiness is. The emotion that we place or associate with a given event. Our reaction to ourselves, others or that event.

I think happiness is something that can be hard to attain for some. Many people struggle every day to be happy - they say that people, events, and circumstances prevent them from being happy. The loss of a job or struggles with loved ones or even just being around other people who aren't happy can "take" our happiness away. But I think that happiness isn't relative - that it can't be "taken" away from us.

We let it go.

It is our reaction to these outside influences that makes it seem so difficult to be happy. It is how WE react; how our brain has been trained to view these circumstances. How WE have trained our brain to view these circumstances. Let's face it, we are given feedback every day through media, our friends, our family and those we barely know, about how we should look and feel and what we should do, dress like, own and feed ourselves. We are constantly bombarded with pictures, words and emotions from media and people around us. BUT the way that WE process this information is what is important.

No one can make us feel anything we don't want to feel.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Explaining further she said, "In the long run, we shape our lives and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die, and the choices that we make are ultimately our responsibility."

Think about this for a while. Everything we do or feel, WE are in control of. Life throws opportunities at us; challenges us to think, feel or react, but WE are the ones who actually react. HOW we react is what determines whether we are happy, sad, angry, depressed or ~~insert varying emotion here~~.

So now, I ask you - challenge you - to ask yourself one question. Really ask this question of yourself and listen for an answer, you might be surprised at the answer you get back. I would venture to say that many people would come up with several excuses as to why it's not possible or why it's not possible right now, but I want you to listen to your reaction either way.

Ready?

I would like you to ask yourself, "May I be happy?"

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The Inner Circle

2011-03-15T09:55:00.007-04:00

Circles - Concentric spheres of personality ... secrets ... confining spaces ... protected places.

The innermost revered but seldom revealed.

Circles of five - tighter as they go.

Five - for a series of protection ... reflection ... inflection ... fear

The outer is where we meet and greet ... sizing ... dancing ... learning ... waiting

If proven deceit, the outer is where we stay.

If chances meet and learning is passed, slip on in to circle number four.

You've made it this far, where to from here?

Friendships formed, love grows - secrets shared and revealed. But still protected ... still reflected ... still feared.

Circle number three - friends and family, trusted souls

Why so close and yet so far? Time has passed ... experiences studied, learned, expectations grow - circles grow

Circles grow from the inside out. Pushing outer rings further. Difficult to feel when confined, but pain is dulled when buffered.

The circle of two - tightly guarded. "Two men enter, one man leaves" - the fight to be free; the fight to be held; the fight to go on ... in peace

Inner circle - . . . (sternly locked - strictly guarded - not even for poetic reprise - "There can be only one")

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I think I thought I could

2011-03-13T15:35:00.002-04:00

Whether you think you can or think you can’t—you are right.
~Henry Ford

Good old Henry Ford: inventor ... visionary ... guy who hung out with Thomas Edison.

And why do I care? Let's talk about thinking - believing - working.

I've heard the expressions, "The power of positive thinking" or "Ask and you shall receive" or "God helps those who help themselves". There are hundreds of them, but basically they are all saying that if we ask it, think it, believe it and work towards it, it will happen.

There are motivational speakers who claim that if you "visualize" something happening, it will happen. Others say that if we set our plans out and sharply define each goal, we can achieve anything. Some call it Kharma or God's will or the energies of the universe coming together to help ("What energies you put out into the universe comes back to you").

Whatever you call it, or however you believe, this stuff works. Let me give you a little example.

For the past year I have been working on my, let's call it "peace of mind status". This is basically learning to accept the things that I cannot change. I have been a "fixer" for a very long time; if someone presents a problem, I need to find a way to fix it - whether I can or not. Sometimes I forget that there are things that cannot be fixed and that people don't always confide in other people because they are looking for a solution, sometimes they just need someone to vent to; to tell their story to. (Sorry, got off subject - ooo look! shiny!)
My peace of mind status: I have been working very hard on realizing that there are things that I have no control over, things that simply cannot be changed (at least by me) and that it is ok for these things to exist - I can still be happy and have peace in my mind.

I am NOT responsible.

That being said. I've been reading a lot about different belief structures, both in religion and in other emotional practices. (Woah, before you jump down my throat that religion is not an emotional practice, let's just move on from there, ok? OK.) In all of this reading and listening I have been hearing a lot of similarities. One that stands out in my mind is simply the power of belief.

Believing in something, whether it be God or other supreme being or simply that you CAN learn that new skill you've been trying to master, can be a very powerful feeling. Believing - really believing in something - can change your life. Sometimes good, sometimes bad but it can be a changing force nonetheless.

Let's take a simple example of why I say this works.

A couple of months ago, I came to the realization that I was going to be moving soon. I didn't have the money at the time, but I knew that given a few months and some careful budgeting, I would be able to get the money saved up and venture out into a new place. Now there was a lot of things that had to be done in the meantime and I was stressing every single one of them. I was stressing things that were my responsibility AND things that were not - it didn't matter, in my mind I was responsible for the whole "shebang", and I worked myself up into quite a little frenzy.

So, I took a step back and thought, "Hold on a moment. What REALLY is my responsibility?" and I reassessed everything. First of all: I was my responsibility. My health, my welfare and my security. OK. Then I proceeded to make a list of all of the things that I was responsible for. Then I took that list and over the next day or so, I eliminated one item here, one item there letting go of things that I really had no control over.

Then came the hard part. Assessing that list again. There were things on there that I possibly COULD have taken care of, given enough time, money and manpower but many of those things would have caused me to be overworked, over-stressed and overly stretched thin. They had to go. This was hard - these were the types of things that I normally took care of; things that other people started and left abandoned - normally it would be me that would run around cleaning up these things. But no, this time things had to be different. So I let them go too - one at a time - and as I did, I could feel the tension slowly working its way out of my body. I began, again, to appreciate the things that I had and the things that I had to look forward to and to really gain an optimistic attitude about my future. I began to believe that this was truly going to be the perfect time to get the perfect start to my "new life."

During this time I did a lot of research online about local apartments. I checked pricing, amenities, location, etc. trying to find just the perfect place. I made a list of things I HAD to have and things that I would just LIKE to have and checked off each place in my mind according to how they stacked up to my expectations. I even made a few lists and checklists.

Through all of this though; budget making, list checking and comparison shopping I truly believed that when the time was right and I had saved enough money and was ready to move, the PERFECT place would come available. I knew it. That was the one thing I was sure of - of course that didn't stop me from running and researching and checking and fretting over details, "just in case."

During my running around, and researching I pulled up a map online and started looking at where I wanted to live: not too far from work and not too far from my kids, so .... somewhere in this circle. Ok, now, I can't afford to live in THAT neighborhood and I don't WANT to live in that neighborhood, so that narrows it down a bit. Then I started looking at places along direct routes to work and just generally narrowed down my search to a few areas that really fit well into my plans. I looked at apartment complexes in my price range (keeping my budget low since I didn't want to struggle to pay my bills - this was going to be a new era in my life and there were certain things that I really wanted for myself in my new life; being able to support myself without a lot of stress was definitely one of them.) I looked in local want ads for places that were renting to see what kind of things were available, etc.

Long story short: (too late) I really set out in my mind exactly what I was looking for with details and "must haves", "would likes" and "don't needs" all set out. I mostly did all of this to occupy my mind during the saving up process, but it was really feeling useful at the same time.

During this process I remembered about an area of town that I had driven through a couple of times and really liked. I drove through there on the way home from work one day to see if anything was available and sure enough, nothing jumped out at me. I drove around into other areas exploring them, doing the same thing, but nothing jumped out at me there either. As I drove around I kept saying things like, "OK, this is where I'd like to be - I need to find a little house that I can afford along this street, on one of these lakes, similar to that one right there" or other similar "I want" sayings, trying to be specific in exactly what I was looking for.

Of course, nothing jumped out at me.

A couple of weeks later, I got a call from one of the apartment complexes I had viewed and they were letting me know that at the end of the week, the rates were going to change so if I wanted to lock in that rate, I'd need to put in my application before that. (Yes, typical sales speech, but effective nonetheless.) The next day I sped up my search and toured two more complexes, then the day after that I viewed a couple more. The first one was pretty much perfect (I mean I REALLY wanted a little house on a lake on that street I was talking about but this apartment had a great little porch that overlooked a nice little pond and the neighborhood seemed pretty good.) The next day I was going to get the money order for the application fee and give them my application to get this process started.

The next day my income tax refund came in.

Immediately after work I checked the local want ads again, just to make sure I didn't miss anything before I brought my deposit to the apartment manager. I glanced over the ads and nothing jumped out at me. Then I got the idea to put the name of that street (where the perfect little house was going to be) into the search engine and up popped an ad. It was one of those ads that I had ignored because it said it was in city X, which was not where I wanted to be. As it turns out, it was for a little lake house, on that very road, in that very area that I had been saying I wanted to live, that was perfectly in my price range with very little security deposit and utilities included so there was no need to come up with utility deposits either. As it also turns out, the money that I needed to give the landlord was darned near exactly the amount of money I had between what was saved and what came in with my income tax. AND as it also turned out, this place had CHARM!

Charm? Right here in an area that was built up so quickly that no builders even considered "charm" or interior aesthetics when building? A loft for my art studio? On a lake? Cute? Little? Easy to maintain? Easily within my budget? My own place, but close enough to neighbors to feel like if I really needed help I could yell and someone would hear me? My landlord MOWS MY GRASS? My landlord takes my trash to the road???

And the kicker? The sun rises over one lake outside my dining room window and sets over another lake at the end of my driveway. I would definitely call this the "perfect little place" that arrived at the perfect time.

Ok, so now that I've found THE place! I am excited and life is GOOD! I am really appreciating my life an all of the blessings in it!

Now I need to furnish it.

So I start stressing again. (because it's what I do - hey look, I said I was "working on" my peace of mind, not "mastering" it.)

I went through the same process when looking for a bed. However, to make this story long (instead of exasperatingly long), several months ago, I had stayed over a friend's house and slept in a bed that was so comfortable I had to ask if I could peel back the sheet to find out exactly what kind (brand, etc) it was because "my next bed is going to be THAT brand".

I looked for that bed everywhere for a week prior to getting the money to buy it. (No, I didn't want to buy it new because that would have put stress on my budget plans and I couldn't take that chance.) But I said to myself that when the time was right I was going to find that bed - it would be listed at exactly the right moment for me to buy it. Of course it isn't in the want ads now, because I'm not ready to buy it, but when I AM ready it will be there.

So as the time approached when I was just about ready to buy the bed none was to be found and I needed something soon, so I began to stress again. "Well, here's one that will be fine," I said and I called a "cheap bed" dealer who had probably 20 ads in the want ads. After work, as I was in the middle of buying just "a" bed instead of the one I really wanted - texting the dealer about money and delivery details - I checked (one more time) the want ads online and what did I discover had been JUST listed? MY bed!

I called. The lister was just leaving work on his way home. His house was just about in the middle of where I was and where he was and it was on my way home. I went there and bought my exactly perfectly soft, squishy-yet-firm bed that I had believed I would find for exactly the amount of money that I had hoped it would be.

So on the way home, I acknowledged how blessed I was. Yes, it's probably silly getting all excited about a bed. But it was so much more than that. This experience showed me that when I stopped and appreciated what I had, stopped worrying about the little things, really planned out exactly what I wanted and truly believed that I would be able to get it, things would make themselves available. Of course, I had to do some work. I had to work my budget to allow me to save up what I needed to do these things, I had to look for them, plan for them - I mean it wasn't like someone called me up and said, "hey I have this for you, I'll bring it over" there was a little bit of mental and physical work involved, but that is really part of the point.

I did this ... on my own, and I did it believing the entire time that these two specific things were going to happen. I covered my arse "just in case" by being flexible and having a back-up plan, but the things that I really believed were going to happen ... did.

And that is just another testament to the power of belief. I don't know if it was God, Kharma or just the forces of the universe gathering momentum, but I sure do appreciate the help!

Have you ever experienced something like this? I would love to hear other stories. I think belief is something that the world could use more of right now.

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Looking for treasure

2010-11-07T12:57:00.005-05:00

As I drive past the church on my way to work every day, I read the sign. You know the type, it's one of those variable letter signs that the pastor can go out to once a week and change to suit his needs; sometimes is a cute saying, sometimes it tells of special events or what Sunday's sermon is going to be.

This week it had a saying, "Some people find fault like they're finding treasure."

Now, sometimes when these sayings go up, I either chuckle at their cute metaphoric message, acknowledge that they are having a pancake breakfast Sunday at 10:00, or simply allow the information to pass through my brain, uninterrupted since what was said really didn't interest me.

But this time was different.

All week long I passed that sign, and subconsciously read it, "Some people find fault like they're finding treasure."

"Yup! I sure know people like that!" and I subsequently and instantaneously listed those people in my mind, those who were always complaining, always finding fault in others. Wasn't it a shame that those people thought that way? And then I moved on with my day as the sign faded into the distance.

Friday afternoon, on my way home I passed the sign again.

"Some people find fault like they're finding treasure" and I once again relished in the fact that Oh YEAH, did I know people like that and I was so happy that I wasn't one of them. Not me, I'm not judgmental, don't look for fault in others, certainly don't relish in finding their faults. Then it hit me.

In my reaction alone, I was doing that very same thing.

And it took me all week to realize it. Hmmphf. Guess there's more work to do.

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So Grammatic!

2010-11-02T13:47:00.009-04:00

I've been noticing, as I'm sure many of you have, that there seems to be a growing trend in slaughtering the English language.

"I like to blame everything on MTV ever since they stopped making MUSIC videos and just started making stripper videos. It just feels good."

Texts, instant messages, blogs and all manner of unedited text is being strewn around the globe at the speed of light through fiber-optic broadband and satellite.

Now, I'm not normally one to accomplish perfection in every piece of writing that comes out of my brain and I'm certain that at least one of my writer friends will read something in this blog and say things like, "Ugh, look at that misplaced comma!" or "How could she have missed that incorrect spelling? Doesn't she proofread?" So I don't pretend that I don't add to the decline of Western Civilization with the occasional dangling participle, an inappropriate voice change or by ending a sentence with a preposition, not to mention my use of colloquialisms and words that I've just plain made up. But I do try, and let's face it; it has been a while since I've been in school.

The memory fails.

But back to my wonderment. As I browse the web and watch grammar, spelling and punctuation slowly fade into the obscureness of history, I can't help but wonder if this is something that only occurs in the U.S.? Is it our laziness? Is it MTV's fault? (I like to blame everything on MTV ever since they stopped making MUSIC videos and just started making stripper videos. It just feels good.) Is it our fast-paced lives that pulls us away from spelling things out? Or is it just our failing educational system? (Could things really be that bad that our educators have given up teaching?)

Maybe it's the media's fault - everything gets blamed on the media, why not this?

Why not blame the media? Every day we are bombarded with new and fashionable ways to say and do things. Things are "Bad Azz" or "Kewl" not to mention how we "Luv" the "Xtreme" or "Klassy." So it's only natural that some of these would end up in the use of everyday language.

Then there are signs that simply prove that there are no editors in print shops anymore.

How is it possible that some of these signs get put out there into the public?

Since this is the stuff that our kids read and see every day, is there any wonder that there is no respect for the language?

There are some who are completely offended by grammatical errors and even those who are extremely lax in that department find occasions where they just can't help but scream, "Please! Please! Could you just grace us with the use of a period once in a while?"

Sometimes the bombardment of this kind of mind-dulling interference can have undesirable effects on the human psyche and has even been known to turn normally law abiding citizens into criminals.

Of course, it doesn't really matter who gets the blame. The way things are going it seems that it is only inevitable that we will soon be heading back to our roots; back to the days of cave-dwellers. Pretty soon we'll all be drawing pictures on our walls to describe what we want to say.

Oh wait!

Ah! Who needs language anyway!

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