Rule # 56: No Talking…

There are certain rules that men live by. If you are not a man you can probably google various list from humorous to realistic to perverted. If you are, you already know many of them (like leave an open urinal between you and the next guy.)

This past Sunday, being Father’s Day, our pastor preached on 1 Cor. 16:13-14. The first time I heard a message on this passage was in 2008 when I was listening to another message by Francis Chan. During his message, Chan began to tell a story of attending chapel at seminary (much like he does at the 15 min mark in this video). He refers to a message by John MacAuthur (like this one) in which these verses were used:

“Be watchful, astand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.
Let all that you do be done in love.”

While Chan focused on verse 13, our pastor also brought verse 14 in the mix and I think with good cause.

It’s true that as men, we are wired a certain way. Many of us like to fix problem, we’re visually wired, we like big toys with motors…but it’s also true that despite all the machismo there are scared little boys inside most of us.

God knows this. He also knows that we respond best to straight forward (blunt) language. On top of that, there is a sense of duty and a desire to be heroic. That’s why Saving Private Ryan, Band of Brothers, and other similar movies tug at our souls. I think it’s also why Paul wrote these verses so plainly, using military terminology. He wanted us to clearly understand “The Man Code.”

Be on the Alert
Satan has a plan. Do you know what it is? He’s coming after your family.

1 Peter 5:8-9 tells us that he is seeking whom he can devour – so we need to be on the alert. Scripture also lets us know one way ha we can avoid being outwitted is to forgive one another (2 Cor 2:5-11). Anger has a way to seep into our hearts and take residence. We may forget about the initial cause of the anger and move on, but then it rears its head again – after you have forgotten the source – and is much more difficult to get rid of.

Real men are on the alert. Real men work things out. Real men avoid grudges.

We also need to be alert on a personal level. There is generally a pattern to the things that we do – including sin. What are the patterns that happen right before you walk into sin? What can you do to guard against this? Do your temptations arise late at night? When you are alone? When you are with certain people?

We’re wired to protect, so choose to protect yourself. Tell someone your weak points so you can get help when you need it.

Stand firm in the faith
This isn’t about simply having faith, it’s about knowing the Word of God well. It’s about the idea of driving a stake in the ground and declaring right from wrong.

As fathers and husbands, we should be the resident theologian in our home. In our role as leader of the household, our wives and children will get guidance from us – it’ll either be good or it won’t be. That’s where the Word of God comes in.

We’re getting our bearings, what’s right and what isn’t, from somewhere – either from culture or from God. The Word can act like a compass, helping us see where we need to go – giving us a true north, if you will. Standing firm in the faith will give us answers to the questions that come as we try to protect our children; as we guard what they wear, help them choose friends and activities, as we decide what entertainment is okay for our family.

Be strong, act like men
This is, perhaps, the best portion of this verse. This essentially means, as Chan puts it, SUCK IT UP. Trials will come. Just because we can’t see it doesn’t mean that we are not in a war. Sure, there are times in war when soldiers are fatigued, but even then, the officers will tell them to buck up – to act like men.

Men are strong. Real men are courageous.

In today’s society there is a lot of false bravado. Machoism based on how much you can drink or how hard you can hit. But true bravery, true courage isn’t about covering up your hurts in fears. Real courage is about acting in spite of them.

The truth is, Satan wants us to be afraid to the point of inaction. But God calls us to action and He will supply the power and strength to see us through.

What is it that you are afraid to do?
What has you cowering in the corner?

Do out of Love
I like the inclusion of this because men tend to lean toward respect far more than love. Yet love is something that we need to communicate to our wives, our kids, and our friends…even our friends who are men.

This week though, I found out the opposite is true as well. Personally, it was a rough week – one of those weeks when it seems like it would be not only easy, but best to walk away.

Walk away from friendships.
Walk away from church.
Walk away from faith.

Early on in the week I felt like I was in a dark tunnel, no light at the end – and I decided that it would be good to just sit; no light at the end anyhow. The next day, I stood – pondering moving forward. Then reaching out and with the help of a friend bursting through the tunnel and back into the light.

Through it all, I realized. I’m mad.

I am mad at God.
I am mad at circumstance.

I told Him so to. It’s okay, He’s a big God.
I can tell Him I hate him and live.
I can tell Him I hate Him and He will still love me.

Then I thought more about what was going on….

I’m a child of God…this week the emphasis was heavy on the child part.

Sometimes I tell my kids something is going to happen; “Get in the car, we’re going.”

“I don’t want to,” they’ll respond.
“That’s okay, you don’t have to want to. Get in the car.”

Stomping out the door, they might express their displeasure: “I hate you!”
“That’s okay, I still love you. Get in the car.”

They’ll pout and refuse to have fun or engage with me.
But I love them anyway. I’m doing what I decided needed to happen.

This week was no different…
except God was telling me to get in the car and I was being my children.

I’m glad He loves me anyhow.

Maybe you’re feeling the same way. If you are, get it out. Anger is one of the biggest enemies of the heart. It moves in and it’s hard to get out. Our heavenly father gets it – you are precious to Him and He wants you to lean on Him.
But the truth is He will do what He wills – because that is best. It can make you mad, but sooner or later, you need to get over it and move on.

Natural Ending:

• When there is a natural ending, it provides a natural time to evaluate the successes and retool the things that need fixing.
• This natural break also provides a freeing opportunity for volunteers to step away if they need. When a program has no end point, it’s difficult for a volunteer to step away – we want to see things to the end.
• A natural ending also provides leaders with an opportunity to gently release a worker.

Relaunching:

• If a ministry is only ending for a season, there will be a relaunching – which in turn will bring a natural momentum. People like new things and a retooled ministry that relaunches feels new.
• Relaunches also provide people a great recruiting opportunity. It feels new and they want to be a part (and it helps to know they’ll be able to get away at the end if they don’t fit.

Children Participate in the Larger Community of Faith:

At our church, we want parents to understand their role of primary faith trainer – this means that they need to have opportunities to model corporate worship: something that cannot happen if their children are never with them. At the same time, we also want to make sure that our adults are learning and growing, without the need to constantly futz over their children. A summer break is the way we ensure the former while addressing the latter during the rest of the year.

Personally, I love having my children in the main service with me. Because we have two services, we can go together every week and they can still participate in children’s church during the other service. I know that it may seem weird at first too want your children in the service, but I’ve seen them grow as a direct result of something that has taken place in that service (including the sermon at times). I’m not alone in this either, my friend Jenny shared Why She Takes Her Kids to Church in February.

In a future posts, I’ll share some thoughts that make it a bit easier to have your kids in service with you (and I understand some reasons of resistance). For now, know that children pick up a great deal more then you think they do and, because it came during church, it tends to mean a lot more than had they learned it elsewhere.

What are your thoughts on seasonal endings?

One of the happiest days of my life was when we discovered that my wife was pregnant.A few weeks later was one of the saddest when we lost the baby. The second and third time were more difficult. But the forth was less so for me – in a way, I had lost hope.

After innumerable tests, hope returned for our fifth. By week 12, hopes were solid, but so was the fear. As the weeks mounted, the hope continued and slowly, after week 20, the fear waned.

Then the blessed day arrived it was filled with excitement. Our child had made it to term, Kevin would be born on October 29. Then, in the midst of birth, his heart rate plummeted, he was in trouble. I stayed calm because Teri needed me, but I longed to know more, to help, to pull my baby into my arms and love him into safety.

Kevin was born blue – black really – with an APGAR of 1 or 2 (1 in pulse and maybe one in muscle tone, all others were 0). If you’re not familiar, 10 is the score of a healthy child, 0 is dead. There was no cutting of the cord, not hearing his cry, no cradling in the mothers arms. He was whisked away – a patient in trama.

Around 30 minutes later we heard his first cry. His color returned and eventually, our baby went home with us. I remember those first weeks, thanking God for His gift to us, thanking Him for a better understanding of what it meant for Him to sacrifice His son for me. I also understood that Kevin belonged to God – He was his father, I would only be his father for a time.

As an infant, Kevin had minor surgery. Putting him under scared me.

When he was in first second grade, he got a hard knock on the head and while the ER found no issues realting to that, they believed they had found a cyst in his brain. They gave us two possible diagnosis and urged us to call a pediatric neurologist first thing in the morning. This is one of those times that Google is not your friend. One of the diagnoses said that a side effect was sudden death.

Fear.

I had told God that I understood that Kevin was His. I had dedicated him to God.
I wasn’t ready to give him up. I spent the night in prayer, wrestling. I wanted to stand firm on the promise – to know that Kevin was God and that God would care for him…but I didn’t want to lose him. I was afraid, but finally I relented. If Kevin was to have this issue, then so be it. God would care for us.

The next morning, the ER called us and said the whole thing was a misunderstanding. They had a pediatric neurologist look at the scan and they said everything was normal…that’s what a kid’s brain looks like.

So back to the question: I think that it should be understandable when I say that my deepest fear is to outlive Kevin. Don’t get me wrong, I love Alex a ton and want him to outlive me as well, but that fear has been able to grab a foothold.

I hadn’t given this fear much thought until it the question was asked in such a plain way…and such a clear answer popped into my head. I know that as children of the King, we are not to walk in fear so I wrestled with this issue for a week. Even enduring an eye roll from my wife as I asked her to be extra careful as the left for vacation that week.

Sunday, as I was reading, I came across 2 Timothy 2:12 “I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me.” The book encouraged me to pray to believe that God will protect what He has entrusted to me.

Wow, what a clear message. My prayers shouldn’t be that my fears are not realized. In this regard they should not be about safety for Kevin (because of my motives). They should be about my belief. My deepest fear isn’t about tramas in the past, really, it’s not even about Kevin; it’s about a lack of belief.

What is your deepest fear?
Fear affects us.
Fear is a place where we can live from.
Fear is a place where we can parent from.
Fear is a place where we can worship from.
But our lives, our parenting, our worship will be warped.

Warped wood is difficult to work with, it makes terrible walls, crooked tables, and weak structures. That’s why you can get it from Home Depots scrap pile for 85% off.

We’re not meant to live life 85% off.
Don’t be difficult to work with.
85% off makes for terrible parenting.
85% off makes for crooked lives.
85% off makes for weak worship.

God doesn’t want us in the scrap pile.
Pray to believe.

Initially, I tried looking through census data but that takes a lot of time to simply find data that in turn, you’ll need to refine, especially if  your ministry covers multiple zip codes or town names. Then I stumbled on MinistryArea.com. Using reports compiled by the Percept Group Ministry Area makes finding the demographics of your area drop dead simple. It’s inexpensive as well.

When you order the reports, you specify either radius around your church, zip codes, or design a polygon of the areas that you want to include. Having key cross streets handy will help in this process.

Ministry area offers 2 options. The First View report gives a high level overview of the area you specified. This report is around 6 pages long and includes things like projected population change, a description of the areas diversity, primary concerns and faith preferences. You can check out a sample report here.

The other option is the Ministry Area Profile which contains some of the same information, but dives deeper giving you specific numbers – like the ones I used last week. It also gives you access to infomaps breaks down  your ministry map into specifically coded regions depending on what information you are looking for. A sample of the more detailed Ministry Area Profile can be found here.

The time that is saved by letting them compile your numbers makes the price tag easy to swallow. Just $85 for the First View report and $219 for the more detailed (or  you can get both for $239). At that price, there’s not much of an excuse not to know.

Downtown Chicago

A few weeks ago I helped put together a conference for people in the Chicago area that minister to children. During the first session of the conference, my friend Amy Dolan talked about the great history of children’s ministry in the Chicago area and shared a look about the people that we minister to in our area (she’s got a great info graphicon Lemon Lime Kids).

I’m not sure if she intended to highlight these particular stats, but here’s what I focused in on:

• Chicago has 621,000 children
• The 5 collar counties (I live in Lake) have 850,000
• The racial make up is W: 16%, B: 37%, L: 40%, A: 3% (Chicago) vs W: 58%, B: 7%, L: 25%, A: 6% (collar)
• 19% live with a single mother
• 49% are from low income families
• During the 2010-2011 school year, 39,000 students were homeless
• In 2012, 15,000 children were in substitute care
• In 2012, 28,000 cases had enough evidence for DCFS to confirm child abuse or neglect

Ugly numbers indeed.
These numbers began to confirm my assumptions of the children in my area of ministry. In ministry circles (both conferences and within the church itself) when we think of those in our ministry area, it’s easy to jump to the idea that the church is there to reach the poor, the helpless, the children from broken homes, minorities – and it is. But is that all?

A couple weeks after local I ran into a talk by Nigerian novelist Chimamanda Adichie called “The Danger of a Single Story” (see video below) and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. Her point was that we tend to paint a picture in our mind based on a single source – a single side of a story.

Hearing that, I flashed back to the Chicago numbers. Back to the “story” of ministry that I knew. But is it true?

Sort of.

God has placed our church in the area we are in. He planted us to minster to the people in the area. He did the same for you and a your church. To be effective, we need to know who those people are.

I already had the statistics for our area, I just hadn’t looked at them in a while. When I looked at them again, I had to dump the single story.

Yes, we have single parents, broken homes, poor and maybe even homeless children. But most the children in our area are in 2 parent homes (81% – can you believe it!). The majority of people in our area are married. A large percentage are white (almost 9 out of 10) and most are either middle class or affluent.

In general, a large part of our ministry area believes that there is a God, yet 1/3 of the people in our area would fall into the inactive/non-existant category when it comes to faith. That means, at best, 12,000 near my church know that there is a God but don’t care.

12,000

When we think about broken people – those that are different from us, maybe we need to expand what that means. I did.

Different can mean that they have no understanding of how to have a healthy marriage.

Different can mean they have no idea why their children should obey – or even that they can.

Different can mean they believe there is a God, but don’t care.

How can you expand your understanding of your ministry area?

But there is a bigger reason to have a resource center. An elephant sized reason.

Actually, it’s more to do with the rider of the elephant than the actual elephant.
In their book Switch, Chip and Dan Heath write about change, specifically, the things that make it hard for us to change our habits.

Chip and Dan use the analogy of a rider, and elephant and a path to describe the elements of choice. The rider is our logic, the elephant our emotions, and the path is, more or less, the environment. So, your rider is the one that wakes you up and encourages that early morning run, but the elephant is what keeps you in bed wanting to stay comfortable. An example of changing the path to help you get up would be to put the alarm clock across the room. One of the first things to grasp is that the rider has control over the elephant, but the elephant is MUCH bigger and can also do what it wants.

Back to the resource center.
One of the reasons that we put in a resource center is because we want parents to be the primary faith trainers – and, while I am sure that many know that they are called to do this, actually doing it requires a change. In essence, the resource center can serve as a path. Something that our parents see as a reminder.

Some parents need the reminder, others already want to do disciple their children. Either way, there’s a bigger hurdle. Chip and Dan call it rider fatigue. Fighting the elephant is hard work, so when the rider – who is a great analytical thinker – is faced with a variety of choices over and over again, he begins to tire and the elephant takes over and does whatever the default is. Sadly, when it comes to family disciple ship, the default is usually nothing.

In The Paradox of Choice, Barry Schwartz writes that as we face more choices “we become overloaded. Choice no longer liberates, it debilitates.” Have you ever looked for a resource for talking to your children about sex? Adolescence? or even something a little simpler like praying? There are so many resources available that it can ‘fry’ the rider.
To make it easier, we’ve narrowed not only the choice of resource, but when parents should use them. It’s not that we’ve found the best books ever written – and parents can make other choices, but we’ve tried to make sure that decision paralysis isn’t part of the Enemy’s toolbox.

We also understand that the elephant will want to go back to the easiest path. In parenting, that’s to parent using the memory of your parents as a guide. When that fails, it’s to talk to friends. When that doesn’t work is usually when people begin to turn to scripture.

To help with that, we want to make sure our resource center appeals to the elephant. Clear signage outlining the age groups, mementos to remind them of their children, short, yet effective, books and, when possible, pamphlets or single sheets to outline the next step.

To sum up, a resource center shouldn’t be about providing all the tools a parent needs. It’s about:

• Reminding them of their role
• Pointing to the next step
• Making it easy to chose a resource for that step
• Making it more desirable to turn to God for help than old memories

This is a pretty good insight…

Unfortunately, the writing is dry and uninspiring. Much of the tales seem to be hacked together from other sources with no overall goal but to impart random information about the figure. In some ways, that’s what a biography is about – learning random facts…but they also tell a story about the person that helps you get to know them, this book doesn’t.

A book of abbreviated biographies should give the reader a taste of the people, perhaps sparking a hunger for more. These simply make me want to avoid reading any more biographies.

While I’m fairly certain the collection is historically correct, I found this to be a tedious, dry and uninspiring read. I received this book free via Book Sneeze in return for a review. I’m sure that they were hoping for a positive one, but instead, I was so uninspired by this book that I allowed my account to be suspended rather than finish reading it.

If you’re interested in these people, you’re better off reading wikipedia.

A couple of months ago, I was doing some research for a sermon on family and found a large number of anti-family comments, many from popular authors or leaders. Here’s just a sampling:

• Speaking at a colloquium at Colegio Mexico in Mexico City, UNFPA representative Arie Hoekman denounced the idea that high rates of divorce and out-of-wedlock births represent a social crisis, claiming that they represent instead the triumph of “human rights” against “patriarchy. – Reported by Lifesite News
• Writer Linda Gordon seems to side with Lenin’s idea of winning the country through the destroction of family as she writes, “ The Nuclear family must be destroyed.”
• “Marriage as an institution developed from rape as a practice. Rape, originally defined as abduction, became marriage by capture. Marriage meant the taking was to extend in time, to be not only use of but possession of, or ownership.” Andrea Dworkin, author

So what, this is simply radicals, right?

Perhaps, but mainline culture isn’t that far behind. How many commercials do you see celebrating dad for making the right choice by ordering dinner rather than making it? Are there any TV shows that have dad as an upstanding figure? I’d venture to say that most don’t even have dad in the picture.
Hollywood would argue that they are only trying to give us a picture of what’s happening in the world. I won’t argue that fatherhood is suffering, but the reality is, that 66% of children live with both mom and dad in the same home.

The truth is, the foundation of the country is under attack – and fatherhood is in decline.

That’s the basis of a new novel by Dr. James Dobson and Kurt Bruner. I’ve read non-fiction books by both of these authors and found their insights useful but I couldn’t see either of them writing fiction. Nonetheless, they did a fantastic job of writing a compelling story while underlining the potential problems created as we devalue family.

In Fatherless, they fast-forward less than 30 years – which makes the possibility of the story all the more scary – to the point of the population tipping point. The point where the United States (and the rest of the world) has more elderly than young and present day trends come to sinister fruition.

The authors do a great job of painting a world where the infirm and elderly are not only seen as debits, but are called debits. A world where men stop bothering to try to have children instead taking up the life of a playboy. Marriage is only for “breeders” and to have children is seen as wasteful.

While both of the authors are Christian, I think the book can appeal to a larger audience. It’s not preachy, it’s action driven, and grapples with many sides of these deep ethical issues. The one down side is that there are too many characters too quickly, some of which get very little play. This is likely the result of them being set up for the next book of the trilogy, but I’ll have long forgotten them by then.

While I think that Dobson’s dystopian world has merit I’m not so sure we’re that close. Our actions at this point certainly aren’t helping the next generation, but if we can begin thinking about possibilities like the ones he paints, we can make sure that we leave a better legacy.