coffeeporn

I love it when a good plan comes together

2012-01-31T12:04:00.000-08:00

For some stupid fucking reason, I decided to stay up until the ass crack of dawn the other night and watch the A-Team Movie on HBO. I did this because I had way too many other important things to do the next day so I needed to make sure I went to bed at late as possible so I could sleep right through them.

To be fair, I actually kind of enjoyed the beginning where they set up the new versions of the characters which I spent a good portion of my childhood emulating. Sure they were a little off from the originals, but the basic templates werestill there. Liam Neeson made a decent enough Hannibal: the brilliant, cigar smoking leader and Bradley Cooper was at least good looking enough to be Face if not nearly whiny enough. I thought it was Luke Wilson playing old crazy ass Murdock, but it was actually SharltoCopley, the lead character from District 9. While not as charmingly nutso as the Dwight Schultz (the original Murdock), Copley was okay. As for B.A. Baracas, well nobody can really be B.A. except for Mr.T, but I guess Rampage does a decent job at playing the big tough dude who is afraid of flying even if he was not wearing the appropriate amount of bling.

Apparently I missed the beginning, where they all meet in Mexico for the first time, but I started watching in time to catch the basic set up. The A-Team, is a special army task force with a penchant for destroying things without killing people, that goes on a secret (wink, wink) mission to capture some printing plates that are in the hands of the Iraqis. The plan goes off without a hitch, except for the part where the General gets blown up, the plates get stolen and everything is pinned on them.The four get sent off to various military prisons around the country until a CIA spook played by Patrick Wilson hatches a plan with Hannibal to get them all out to get the plates back.

I know I should have just given up and turned it off after the whole "Flying Tank " scene, but I was compelled to keep watching to make sure that it was going to end as retardly as I thought it was and to see if my hero, Mr. T, was going to make a cameo like the the the original Face and Murdock did during the prison escape scenes. At the very least, I was hoping that Jessica Biel who was playing a DOD agent/love interest was going to finally show us a little skin. Unfortunately, neither of these happened, and the plot just continued to become more confusing and convoluted like it was written by J.J. Abrams after a crack binge. The whole complex shell game aspect of the final plan (hatched by Face for some stupid fucking reason) tried to be smarter than it really was and even after several more bong hits and a bottle of beer, I still could not suspend my disbelief enough to not roll my eyes at the inevitable outcome.

Here are some problems I had:

1: B.A. is afraid to fly yet he has no problem rappelling down a 50 story building.

2: What the fuck happened to the plane they flew to the cargo ship? Did they just abandon it?

3:Where the fuck is the crew of the Cargo Ship? Who is steering the fucking thing?

4: Why is Face doing all the Stratergy? His job is to look pretty not plan, that is why he is called Face. Let the dude named after one of History's most brilliant military tacticians come up with the plan. In fact, this is my biggest problem with the movie. It is like they felt they had to cater to Mr.Hollywood Cooper by giving his character a more important role then he deserved.

5.What wrong with Jessica Beil? Why can't she find any good movies to be in? Perhaps God is not through with punishing her for abandoning Seventh Heaven. .

6.Why are people dying? People do not die at the hands of the A-Team. Shit just get blown the fuck up and the bad guys jump out of the way before it does.

I pity the fool who did not have the chance to grow up with television during the 80's. Those were the the Golden Years my friend and the A-Team, with its glorification of violence and conservative values, was right smack in the middle of it.It was the epitome of the Cold War, where stuff gets blown up but no white people got hurt. To take these characters and to throw them into a story line involving rogue CIA agents, a complicated money laundering scheme and Jessica Biel is blasphemy.

Origin Story

Of course, all the violence and complicated plot twists and turns can explained away by the fact that this is supposed to be a Origins story. All this is supposed to take place before the A-Team became a ragtag team of paramilitary misfits who roamed the country helping grandmothers and such who are being victimized by gangs of truck driving rednecks. That is fair, I suppose. However, if they ever make a sequel, it better include some nuns, some orphans, a greedy politician, a lawnmower turned into a catapult, and Hannibal better be making all the plans. Also, for the sake of fuck, find a way to get Mr.T to make a cameo. pr, at least put some bling on Rampage Jackson.

Sexy Bald Man

2012-01-12T12:51:00.000-08:00

I think I might be going bald.

I am not positive, I still need to run a few more blood tests and computer simulations, but it does seem like the hair in the middle of my head is refusing to grow back.

I guess I should have realized this sooner, however, during my 20's, I wore a cap, so never noticed and hair recession and then later on in life, because I was living in a tough neighborhood, I shaved my head and got an eye patch. It is only now, having moved to a more gentrified part of town, that I decided to let my hair grow out and that was when I noticed the distinct horseshoe pattern of nothingness on the top of my head.

Gramp's Fault

This new information startled me. I always figured that at anytime I could, once again, have the mane of a Norse God like I did in college and now I was looking at living the rest of my life as a baldy. I did not want it to end this way. First off, I needed to get to the bottom of this sudden hair loss. Googling the bitch, I found that several things can cause a handsome motherfucker like me to lose his hair. While my rock star lifestyle may contribute, it appears that the biggest culprit is my damn genes. It turns out that my mom's dad was a baldy as well, I managed to get his X chromosome when I got put together in my mothers womb after my parents banged each other.

Male Pattern Baldness Bitches

The condition is called Androgenic Alopecia and it is brought on from having too much testosterone in your system. Well, that figures. I have always been a virile motherfucker. This extra man juice somehow makes its way up to the scalp and chokes off the hair follicles (probably for looking at them funny) which then causes hair to fall out. Thanks a lot grampa.

Now that I have come to grips with the fact I may be losing my hair, I guess I could do something about it. Turns our there are a lot of solutions. I could go "Shatner" and have hair from my butt stapled to my head, but this costs money and I don't have the same kind of scratch as the Captain. I could also buy some bug juice to rub into my scalp everyday but that seems like a hassle and I don't want my man boobs to get any bigger than they already are.

Balls

Doing further research, I found out that there is only one true cure for baldness and that is to attack the very source of the problem: The Balls. You see, balls produce the testosterone that ends up choking out your follicles. Cut off the man juice supply and your hair has a fighting chance. So, that is why my dog still has all his hair. So, all I gotta do now is wrap an rubber band (this is how they do it in China) tightly around my sack and wait for the family jewels to fall off and then bam! My flowing locks will be back.

After that, I imagine I am going to be beating the bitches off me with a stick.

Preparing for the Apocalypse

2011-12-28T12:37:00.000-08:00

Holy Shit, Can you believe that 2012, "the year all the shit goes down", is just around the corner? Finally, we are going to find out if those mother fucking Mayans with their calender knew what the hell they were talking about. I have not been this excited since 1999, when we all thought our computers were going to go berserk and start believing that somehow the world had been been transported to the Victorian Era. But this time, I think the threat is a little bit more real. I mean, these are the mother fucking Mayans we are talking about, an ancient race of stargazers who seemed to know what they were doing when they portended that the world was going to hell in a hand basket sometime during the next winter solstice.

The fucking Mayans man. I don't care what Mel Gibson thinks of them, these were some wise ass mother fuckers who had booby trapped pyramids, mass virgin sacrifices, and soccer matches that used actual human heads.How the hell could they be wrong about something like this? And from what I read on the internet and in various books written by guys with psuedo scientific backgrounds, their is enough scientifical evidence to back these wise ass mother fuckers with their doomsday prophecies up.

Any Day Now...

-The Planet's Poles are going to Reverse, causing our lithosphere to suddenly shift, wreaking enough Havoc upon the Earth to give Roland Emmerich a raging hardon.

-A solar flare is going to knock out all of our electronic doodads, plunging us back into the 1940's which will prompt the North Koreans, who never left the 1940's, to attack and enslave the entire free world. Soon, the Earth's resources will be depleted as they attempt to carve the moon into the likeness of Kim Jong il.

-Machines will suddenly become "Aware" and after that, it will just be a matter of time before they start using cyborgs with Austrian accents to enslave humanity and turn them into batteries.

-Apes being used as modern slaves will suddenly make a evolutionary leap and decide to arm themselves and take the planet. Their demand for Bananas will end up driving the Earth's ecosystem into chaos.

-Jesus finally makes his second showing and then promptly disappears again, leaving the world to fend for itself against the antichrist who turns out to be a famous Hollywood director/actor/producer known for his big budgeted movies that refuse to end. The world shall than plunge into a millennium of darkness under the dark rule of Kevin Costner. God help us all.

-An radioactive asteroid the size Texas shall plunge to Earth and wipe out Texas. The world will rejoice, but this joy will be short lived as the the Texans come back as flesh hungry zombies. Texas BBQ will take on a new meaning as the zombie scourge spreads across the Earth.

These are just a few of many things that can and will happen as the year of doom draws ever closer so it is time to prepare my friends and get ready to survive the impending apocalypse, even if means killing and eating your neighbor's cat (trust me, it will eventually come to that). Thankfully, since I have been reading Dystopian Fiction for the past 20 or so years, I am more or less prepared to survive the coming months of trials and tribulations.

Here are a few things that I suggest doing as you prepare yourself for the world to be reborn in fire so that you might come out virtually unscathed and set about rebuilding civilizations.

-Water Wings and Helmets: Start wearing these wherever you go, just in case a stray earthquake or tsunami tries to take your ass out. "But BS, I live in Michigan," you might say,"Earthquakes and Tsunamis never happen here!" Bullshit, I say to you, read your Bible and Weekly World News. In these End Times Earthquakes can happen anywhere, especially with the lithosphere all out of whack. Also, Michigan is surrounded by water so if a Earthquake happens, rest assured the Great Lakes are going to to what they can to swallow you up. So, keep those water wings handy my friend.

-Throw away your smartphone: These things are of the Devil I tell you and are becoming way too smart. It will be only a matter of time before they become aware and try to graft themselves to you in order to use your body as a battery. Toss those creepy talking iPhones in the fire before it is too late my friends.

-Learn to Speak Korean: self explanatory

-Stock up on Bananas: Having enough Bananas on hand will be the only way to keep the monkey overlords satisfied. Since Bananas go bad, if might be wise to get yourself a Banana tree.

-Watch the latest Kevin Costner movie: Keeping this man's film career may be the only way from keeping him from going into politics and turning into the antichrist. Of course, James Cameron might end up taking his place.

-Avoid Texas at all costs

These are just a number of things that you can do to survive the impending doom. Also having a super intelligent dog that you can communicate with telepathically is also helpful, but those kind of dogs are pretty hard to come by. Just ask David Berkowitz.

Smart Ass Coffee

2011-11-30T13:25:00.001-08:00

So, a few short weeks ago, I found myself in Los Angeles for my sisters wedding. Wanting to rack up as many Four Square points as humanely possible, I found myself checking at every taco truck and hipster bar in the Silver Lake area. The cool thing about Four Square besides allowing your friends to stalk you is that when you "check in" somewhere it also shows you other businesses in the area. One such business that popped up as I was checking in at the local laundry mat Starbucks was a place called Intelligentsia Coffee a few miles up the Sunset Strip.

Intelligentsia...

Intelligentsia...

Intelligentsia...

The name rang a bell and not for the fact that it sounded like something a Russian Commandant would say through clenched teeth during yet another purge.

Intelligentsia.... Coffee

I knew that I had heard of them, but due to the lack of good fresh roast, the timing belt in the engine of my mind was in need of an adjustment. So I did what any red blooded American would do. I asked my smart phone (A Motorola Atrix Holla!) and was directed first to Wikipedia where I picked up my Russian joke and then to a company website geared toward hardcore coffee nerds like me.

It was then when I remembered where I heard that name before, I had watched a billion different videos on Vimeo that they had put out on how to brew the perfect cup of coffee, videos that my smartphone was more than happy to play for me again. "Hey", I thought to myself, "these motherfuckers are kind of famous, I should probably try to check this place out and collect even more Four Square points before I leave town." Good old smart phones and their applications, what the fuck did we do before they came along?

So that Sunday, the morning before my flight, I got up nice and early and headed out towards Silver Lake, my thumb ready and waiting on my map app so that I might not get lost heading down Sunset. I bit of a walk and a short bus ride later, I was there ready to collect my "First Time" Bonus points and taste the sweet nectar of Araby that these uber smart coffee alchemists are supposedly capable of brewing via a ceramic pourover.

I must say that the Kenyan Coffee that I paid six bucks for was superb, leagues ahead of the Laundromat coffee and they did seem to take great care in brewing up the perfect single serving cup of coffee. But, it was not anything better than what I could brew at home using my own fresh roasted beans and my trusty Chemex. Also, it was six bucks, which is probably chicken scratch in a city like L.A., but a small fortune to a Midwesterner like me, especially when you consider fact that my own home brew costs me about fifty cents a cup, if that.

Despite their City Slicker Prices, I am still glad I checked out Intelligentsia in Silver Lake. After a few weeks of drinking cafe coffee (I have been to busy to roast) it helped remind me how good fresh roast is. Also, I totally got the highest score ever on Four Square. Ahh, Social Media Apps... How the fuck did we know what are friends were up to before they came along?

Ranting

2011-11-18T13:27:00.001-08:00

Dear Ass Munch,

The douchebag sitting in front of me on the 737. Yeah you, you squat hairy middle aged neanderthal. Thank you for crushing the shit out of my legs the whole way to Atlanta. That was really swell of you. I was just thinking as I was getting the ride to the airport that my legs could use a good crushing and made my dreams come true at 35,000 feet.

I know, it was not enough that you had the fire exit seat which gave your stubby little gorilla legs ample room. No, given the important role that you might have had to play in the event of an emergency, you figured that you had the mother fucking right to really stretch out and make yourself comfortable on the crowded flying bus. Never mind me asking if you could resist leaning back on the account that I am a big ass Scandinavian not built for the teeny tiny seats that can be found on most airlines, I am but mere hoi polloi sitting here in the seat that is not an emergency exit aisle seat. Good for you for stretching out the entire way. The mind numbing pain and annoyance of your seat slapping down on my knees every time you plopped down after draining your hypertonic bladder actually helped take my mind off all that turbulence we experienced while flying over Albuquerque.

So thank you shit head. Thank you.for making this plane ride a memorable experience.

At least your legs crushing gymnastic maneuvers were only mildly annoying when compared to the overt conversationalists sitting behind me on my next flight. I know, riding on the plane is exciting.You get to sit next to total strangers for several hours, get to to know them a little bit and then never see them again.Riding a plane is also scary. Why not stop at the bar and put a few screwdrivers down your gullet before take off? It's not that you are an alcoholic, you are just a nervous flyer right? And I eat chocolate for its potential health benefits. We all may die any second and you are probably not going to remember any of this anyway, so why not give your new bestest friend that you just met and the rest of the passengers sitting next to you a loud narrative on how you managed to lose 35 pounds over the summer eating nothing but cantaloupe. Who gives a shit. Okay maybe your new best friend does. After all, he is a dancer.

But then again, I need to thank you too. You did provide an opening to get to know the cute girl sitting next to me a little bit better. She was already making it hard for me to concentrate on my book more than your annoying voice anyway, and when she looked at me rolled her eyes and smirked during one particular brutal part of your dialogue, we ended up sharing a moment. Then the plane landed, and we went our separate ways probably never to see each other again.

Ce'st la Vie

Costumer Service

2011-10-31T12:59:00.000-07:00

The most popular costumes I have seen this holiday season have been The Black Swan and The Joker from the Dark Knight. Now, the Black Swan I can understand. That movie came out just last Christmas which makes it somewhat relevant. But the Joker? Isn't that a bit dated guys? Sure Heath Ledger's run in with a bottle of pills right after the filming of this pivotal role made this character a bit of an icon, but is it really relevant for dudes to be still emulating him almost four years since the movie came out?

Come On

While Heath Ledger did a great job in the movie and probably deserved the Oscar, his joker is, in my opinion, not any more iconic than Jack Nicholson's or Cesar Romero's take on everyone's second favorite demented clown (Ronald being number one). What my theory is, is that this guys walking around dressed as Joker, thought they did such a great bang up job at it in 2008, they figured they might as well keep at it for the next three years or however long before their demented clown makeup stash wears out.

To me, that is just plain creative laziness.

That would be like me dressing up like Micheal Moore every year just because I happen to kind of sort of look like him anyway.

I admit, that I am not the type that starts planning my Halloween costume in January, but I always make an effort to go as something different every Halloween. Even if it is through together at the last minute with card board, duct tape and various items around the house. At least it is something new and not the same old retreaded idea.

Take note all you bitches who plan on donning that swan outfit again next year. You will be hearing snarky remarks from the guy who should have just come dressed up like Micheal Moore.

Celebrity Crushes

2011-09-05T19:18:00.000-07:00

This is my latest celebrity crush...

Her name is Emilia Clarke and she play Daenerys Targaryen on HBO's Game of Thrones. Her character comes from a long lineage of dragon people or something making her impervious to fire and also always looking for an excuse to walk around naked.

She is one hot blond...

In real life she is a brunette, but for some reason, the freaky looking blonde hair and silver eyebrows are what do it for me. Do not get me wrong, I have nothing against brunettes. In fact, I have my fair share of raven haired celebrity crushes.

For Example...

And...

Not to mention...

Dang, come to think of it, there are a butt load of hot ass brunette celebrities out there that I be crushing on. Still for some reason, dark haired Emilia does not quite do it for me but the character she plays, the golden haired Daenerys most certainly does. There is something about her transformation into this princess from an alien world where summers last decades and winters can last a lifetime that really turns my crank.

Oh yeah, there is also the thing about the dragons...

You see, in the last episode of season one (Spoiler Alert for you chumps who can't swing three free months of HBO) cute little Daenerys launches herself onto her barbarian husband's funeral pyre along with her three ancient dragon eggs. The next day she emerges from the ashes unscathed along with three fire breathing baby dragons.

This magical transformation through fire cannot help but remind of what happens to a coffee bean when you place it over heat. It transforms itself from an inert lifeless bean into a fragrant powerful force capable of getting you out of bed in the morning and off the couch in the evening. Just like how this hot blond who turns my crank needed to unlock this power of transmutation by walking into the funeral pyre, humankind had to discover coffee by dropping beans into the fire.

OMG...

Its so obvious now...

Its not the blond hair, the nice English titties, or even the kick ass baby dragons that makes me want this girl so bad.

Its because she reminds me so much of my one true love...

Fuck Buddies

2011-08-18T14:32:00.000-07:00

Whirly Pop Magic

2011-07-29T11:58:00.000-07:00

I swear to god, give me a lighter and an old tin can and I will figure out a way to roast coffee beans with it. Still hiding out at my friends house after the debacle in Mexico and the recent video that surfaced of me and Maria Conchita Alonso in full on BDSM fetish ware, I have been riding the storm out roasting up my friends huge back log of green coffee beans using nothing but a gas stove,a modified whirly pop popcorn maker with an attached thermometer, a heavy duty skillet, and a couple of well placed fans.

While using the old fashioned stove top whirly pop can be seen as roughing it in this new era of home coffee roasting, after getting several dozen batches under my belt, I find that roasting with this rather simple tools is a lot like driving a stick shift. Sure, its hard to talk on the phone or play with the radio while you are doing it, but you also have more hands on control over your roast.

Since I am the one doing the stirring and adjusting the heat, I have much more control over the outcome of the roast than what I had with my Behmor or Nesco Air Popper. If the roast feels like it is getting away from me, for example, I can dial down the heat and stir the beans faster to help stall the second crack, or if the beans simple refuse to start popping, I can crank up the heat and force those babies to crack. While the buttons and settings on the Behmor also give you some control, it is still all guess work until you dial in your roast. With the Behmor, once you start the drum rolling, the only thing that you can do is add time or hit cool if the roast gets away from you, you have no control over the temperature, and if run out of time, tough luck. Maria Conchita Alanso was exactly the same way.

Preheating

The first batch I roasted in the Whirly, I had dumped in the beans before the drum got heated up and wound up having to turn the crank for nearly an half hour before my beans were finished. It probably did not help that I dumped in a shit load of bean as well. After that first batch, I learned that letting the popper heat up to 350 degrees before dumping a slightly smaller load of beans (9 to 10 oz) into it cuts the roast time almost in half to a brisk 13 to 15 minutes, with the first cracks starting at around the 9 minute mark and rolling cracks around the 11 minute mark. This certainly is going to help prevent Carpal Tunnel Syndrome down the road.

Getting away on me

While this preheating trick is a time saver, I found that too hot of a starting temperature can end up having your greens beans transmutate a bit too quickly. For instance, the other day I roasted up a batch of some 2009 Tanzanian Blackburn Estate that my friend had decided to keep around. I had let the popper preheat to 400 degrees before dumping which turned out to be a bit too much for this older batch of beans. The popping started way to early and I had to quickly dial down to maintain control. Fortunately, it was easy to do with the Stove Top Whirly Pop and I managed to salvage the beans, dumping them in the skillet and cooling them off just as they hit the second crack.

The roast turned out okay, but not as good as it was back in the days. While green beans have a much longer shelf life than roasted beans, they are still not Twinkies. So my advice to all you hoarders out there: roast that shit. They will grow more.

Popcorn

2011-07-15T17:57:00.000-07:00

Due to a complete misunderstanding involving a Tijuana Transgendered Hooker and a Mule, I have lying low at a friend’s house until things blow over and Univision finds some other story to follow. I had not planned far enough ahead to pack my Behmor Roaster, but thankfully my friend is a fellow coffee roasting enthusiast. Upon my arrival he presented me with a cooler full of beans that he never got around to roasting along with an old Whirly Pop Stovetop popcorn machine.

“Here, this shit will keep you out of trouble,” He said, “And maybe help payoff the bribe money I had to give to those crooked Tijuana Cops.”

I tried to tell that I had been set up that the whole thing had been the mule’s idea, but he did not really want to hear it. He did not care. All he knew was that I owed him big time and I was going to have to work it off by roasting up an assload of coffee beans with a Whirly Pop.

Talk about low tech

This method of roasting beans is as primitive as you can get. No fancy ass roasting cycles, no automatic cool downs, no chaff collectors, no catalytic converters. No nothing. Just something to cook the beans in along with a little crank you need to constantly turn in order to keep the roast even. The only luxury that was afforded was a candy thermometer that my friend had managed to rig to it using a drill and a few well placed pieces of tinfoil.

“So get to roasting!” He demanded.

After drinking some of the swill that passed for coffee around the area, I understood my friend’s desperate circumstances. Even though the stash was almost two years old, it was still going to taste a lot fresher than the crap that was passing for coffees from the local Beanery. My own Fresh Roast stash had run out too, so I was starting to get the itch.

Also, I was kind of curious what sort of roasts this rather primitive contraption was capable of putting out.

So I spent some time figuring out the exhaust, than began picking out the beans. I decided on a mix of Rwandan and Yemen beans for a Moka-Java like blend to start off with. There was about 4oz left of each bean, so the expected yield was around 8 oz, enough to keep me in my friend rolling in beans for a day or two. I let the Whirly Pop warm up for a few minutes and then dumped the beans in and began to crank. I kept the flame at medium and began to crank. 24 minutes and a sore wrist later the roast was done. One of the beans took longer to crack than the other so the roast was uneven, but it was still okay.

Shit, it was still better than anything found on the outside.

look behind you part one

2011-06-30T22:45:00.000-07:00

look behind you part 2

2011-06-30T22:39:00.000-07:00

High Afternoon

2011-05-28T13:03:00.000-07:00

Blue Penny

2011-05-25T13:11:00.000-07:00

Having coffee with Jesus

2011-05-22T07:48:00.000-07:00

So me and Jesus were having some fresh Costa Rican Brew this morning, shooting the bull in our sandals and robes. Since it was they day after the big disappointment, I just had to ask him...

" So Jesus what gives? Why the no show?" I asked him as I poured him a second cup.

"Oh Man, BS" he replied as he dipped his finger in his cup and raised the brew to a perfect temperature, "Don't even get me started on that shit."

The Costa Rican Villa Sarchi that I roasted up actually tastes better as an espresso, but since old Sandals himself popped in this morning looking to mooch a cup or two, I brewed up a pot of it my Chemex and dug out special mug that I only let Jesus drink out of.

"Hey man, I am sorry to bring it up," I replied as dumped the last of the brew into my own mug, "It's just that it was all over the news, a lot of people were really disappointed in you. I mean come on, look at the math, it seemed pretty legit."

"The math, right," He replied sarcastically as he took a long sip of the steaming brew, savoring it for a millisecond before taking another. "And the Earth is really 8,000 years old."

Old Jesus can really put away the coffee when he wants to. While I know he appreciates the good stuff (thats why he comes to me for is fix) sometimes I think that it is all about the caffeine buzz and not the overall taste. One of these Sundays I think I might try to pull the old decaf switcheroo on him to see if he notices. Who am I kidding? Of course he is going to notice. Besides he would probably just zap the caffeine back into it.

It makes me wonder what really went down with old Lazarus.

Sensing that he really did not want to talk about the disappointing no show and the lack of earthquakes and general chaos, I changed the subject and went to brew up another pot since that whole water into wine shtick only made the coffee taste watered down.

"So how did that fishing trip go?" I ventured.

"Man, I rather talk about the Apocalypse," He said, "I only managed to hook one all day, and it got away."

" Oh man, too bad," I replied, not really caring about fishing, but still enjoying the company. "Hey dude," want to try this as an espresso?" I said, the thought suddenly occurring to me. It will really knock you out of your sandals" The Costa Rican was alright as a drip brew, but it really shined as an SO espresso. I began to prep my little machine.

"Nah man," he replied, "Actually I gotta go. That grass ain't going to cut itself. We still up for disk golf next week?"

"I already got the blunts rolled my brother."

"All right, see you later my friend."

Then with a slap on my back he was gone. Good old Jesus. He might not show up for the apocalypse, but he will always be there for a good cup of coffee.

Fartacus

2011-05-03T16:34:00.000-07:00

In case you could not tell from the last post, one of the latest shows that I ended up cracking out to lately was the soft core porn action historical drama: Spartacus. What a great fucking show! I mean, it has an insane amount of violence, sex scenes at every corner and even some pretty good twist and turns that keep you guessing where the action is going.

You also get to see Lucy Lawless tits in practically every single freaking episode.

Sure, thanks to the classic flick by Kubrick, we all know where this show is going...

But still, it sure is a whole lot of fun watching the journey

After hearing that a lot of guys had turned this show into a T&A drinking game (you have to drink twice when Zena's mammalian protuberances show up) I decided I was going to do a shot of SO Ethiopian Wet-Process Jimma- Duromina Coop Espresso every time I saw boobs and booty during an episode.

I half an hour later, there was a giant hole in my chest and my dog, the lil turd, had run off with the heart. Thankfully, instead of eating it, he hid it in a pile of dirty clothes so he could munch on it later. My girlfriend, knowing all his favorite hiding spots quickly found it, sewed it back in, and then started it back up with a pair of jumper cables and a hypodermic needle full of the best Crank that she could find on a Sunday afternoon.

Speaking of Crank

I am not sure whether Ethiopian WP Jimma DC (12 OZ roasted on P3 for 20:30 in my Behmor Roaster) makes a super strong espresso that rivals crank or if I am just becoming sort of a caffeine pussy, but drinking it has been making me more jittery than usual. I think I may need to stock up on some more SWP Decaf and try it as a half-caf blend instead.

As for Spartacus...

Next time I might try the "taco" game instead.

They call that one Fartacus

Spartacus Dream

2011-04-23T08:16:00.000-07:00

After drinking too much of a new experimental blend of Rwanda/SWP Decaf through my espresso machine while watching Spartacus "God of the Arena" and promptly falling asleep I had a vivid dream in which I was a fierce Germanic Barbarian who had been captured by the Romans and made to fight as a Gladiator.

These were my weapons: The Patio Umbrella of Annoyance and a pair of Galoshes. I was forced to practice with these weapons of choice from sun up to sun down, pausing for a little gratuitous sex break with the other slaves at high noon. The Doctore would then crack his whip and we would go back to fighting in our g-strings while the beautiful wealthy patrons watched us with wanton and flush expressions on their face. Dubbed the "Mad German" I practiced hard and soon learned how to use the umbrella as a shield and the tied together galoshes as a sort of nunchuck type of weapon which worked pretty well after filling them with rocks.

It was the night of the big fight, all the Roman Big Wigs were in the Arena and I was to fight Heavy Fucking Metal, a much feared creature from space that the Romans had captured during their intergalactic excursions through space and time via a portal that they discovered at an ancient Greek Oracle site. HFM's weapon of choice was "The Bass of Doom" which looked like it could cleave my head in two.

Thankfully, the intergalactic monster machine was chained to the wall to prevent him from using his retro rockets and escaping. He was forced to play his bass in attempt to use its sonic discharges to knock me over. I open my umbrella to protect and annoy and then let my galosh-nunchucks fly, scoring a direct hit around the beast's instrument.

Heavy Metal howled out an Alien Howl and struggled to shake away the troublesome boots as I advanced with my Patio Umbrella of Annoyance to the chants of the overwork crowd. A quick cut to a Roman Peasant flashing her boobs, a shot of tequila swallowed, and then back to the action, as I, the Mad German, advanced ever closer to my destiny with the metal fused beast.

Suddenly, the beasts hands were free and he pounded out a chord that shook the stadium and collapsed my umbrella inward.

Suddenly I was airborne, the sonic wave lifting me like a Tsunami and carrying me out of the Arena. I was free. I crash landed on a mysterious Mediterranean Island where I was then captured by Amazons and forced to serve as the Queen's footstool.

It was then I realized it had all been dream.

The realization snapped me out of it and a I woke in a cold sweat vowing never to drink even a half-caf espresso so late in the evening again. Heck, I am not even German.

Decaf and Behmor

2011-03-18T14:32:00.000-07:00

While, I am trying to jump on the wagon, the Behmor Roasting Wagon that is. You see, I had taken a little break from it, probably because I was over caffeinated a bit and started tweaking out in odd places. This forced me to cut down on my coffee intake, which then caused me to let my Behmor 1600 collect a little dust.

I still drank it mind you, but only in the morning and perhaps once in the while in the afternoon, but, for me, this is like going cold turkey. This is probably the reason behind all these damn movie reviews littering my site.

Anyways, I feel better now, a bit less jittery and I have also gotten sick of the crap I had been buying in the store. So, I went back to Sweet Marias and loaded up on a few elbows of an Espinola from El Salvador, as well as some organic offerings from Rwanda. Also, just to play it safe, I also got me a pound of SWP Decaf, which I heard is like the O'Douls of Decaf. So they still make O'douls? I remember drinking that with my old man who was a teetotaler.

So far, the Espinola has been standing out. The Rwanda failed to get my attention, bu that may because I roasted it on the P1 setting instead of the P3, like I wanted. The P1 sometimes lets the bean burn too hot too soon and giving them less character. The decaf, well the decaf tastes a bit like dirt, delicious dirt. It doesn't pack the punch I crave, but it also helps me get to bed at night.

Hot new espresso Pics

2011-03-08T14:43:00.000-08:00

Yeah baby, check it out...

I got me a new espresso make a few months ago and finally got around to getting some hot new pics of it in action. My usual photographer, Pierre van Bundy, had recently gone on a crack binge that lasted from christmas to Presidents Day, so I was without his services for a while. Finally I found him again in the Taco Bell Dumpster looking for left over chulpas, pulled him out, brushed him off and then put him to work taking these steller shots of my sweet little Delonghi in action.

Yah Baby, look at it get all hot and steamy. Old Pierre may be missing the rest of his teeth, but he still has got the magic touch with his old cellphone camera. Look at how he captures all the hot steamy action frothing out of the twin nipples of this simple little device. Fuck, just looking at at it gives me a boner.

Oh wait a minute, no, that boner is probably from that crushed viagra pill I snorted a few minutes ago.

Okay, I know that according to some forums, the model that I got is not the best around. Okay, so it ranks up there with the type of toothless hooker that would hook up with old Pierre. But you know what? Just like that toothless tranny, it does a good job, just don't expect any bells and whistles with the package.

Hey Oscar

2011-02-20T06:31:00.000-08:00

Its almost time for the Oscars and not wanting to look like an idiot, the girlfriend and I having been boning up on all the Oscar hopefuls. We do this so we can scream at the TV absurd things to each other like:

" I can't believe Alice in Wonderland won best costume design, The mother fucking Tempest should won that hands down!"

or:

"See I told you The Social Network was going to win best sound mixing, booyah! Drink up Biaatch."

Okay, so I will confess, I had to jump to a different site that listed all the nominees in order to order to reference those two lines. Also for the record me and the GF do not talk to each other like that. Well, at least she doesn't talk to me like that.

I mean, come on , very few of us give two shits about things like best sound mixing or best set design am I right? Sure, these things do play an important role when it comes making a a kick ass movie and those artists who work hard in the field of set design, sound editing and costume design definitely deserve some recognition from their peers and all that sincere sounding bullshit, but really come on, none of us hoi polloi really care.

We just want to dig into the main course.

We want to find out who won in the big categories, not the ones that are there to help make the losers feel better about themselves...

"Hey Kate,I will have you know Avatar won three Oscars!"

"Yeah I know James,you won for cinematography, Art Direction and Special Effects, so kiss my Best Director and Picture ass biaatch!"

According to mt research that is how Kate Bigelow and James Cameron do talk to each other.

So anyway, we tolerate these little appetizers, because we know people in Hollywood have low self esteem and also know that this Awards show needs a bit of filler in order to feel like more of an event other of our Ritz cracker entrees, but still we are all just waiting to hear about the big winners.

"Dude, if fucking Natalie Portman doesn't win, I swear to god I am going to shit my pants with rage!"

"I know dude, she totally nailed that Lesbo scene."

We are there to know about the best actors and actresses, the best director and of course the best damn picture. I mean, we do not go out there and watch The Social Network because it got nominated for the best adapted screenplay. I mean, who the fuck is Aaron Sorkin anyway? No, we put on the the top of your Netflix Que (its available by the way) because everyone is saying that its considered one of the favorites for Best Picture. It is probably the same reason we go to that one dingy little independent theater downtown in order to catch The King's Speech, not because its a shoe in for best set design.

Anyway, thats what I did.

So we pretty much got most of the contenders down now, with a few exceptions. I still haven't got around to seeing The Fighter yet. We also still need to check out that other lesbian couple flick (The kids are all right) and Winter's Bone and 127 Hours. Oh shit, I almost forgot about Toy Story 3. Crappers, when did they start picking so many nominees.

Damn I gotta go to the movies, I will get to this later.

Even More Movie Reviews

2011-02-17T16:51:00.000-08:00

Not wanting to be left of out of the Oscar conversation, I went ahead and put "The Social Network" in my Netflix Cue and went and saw The King's Speech" at the artsy fartsy little theater just up the street from my apartment.

Oh man, another fucking movie review? What gives BS, how com you are not talking about coffee anymore?

Okay, so one of these days I will get around to talking about coffee and how it turns me on. Until then, dear reader, you will have to put up with these damn Movie Reviews. Besides, ever since I did my taxes on Turbo Tax, I discovered that if I write a review of all the movies that I go see, I can actually write off the cost of the ticket. So it is pretty much like paying myself to go to the movie. Unless, of course, I somehow make make some actual money from this damn blog, which at this moment seems like a very remote possibility.

So anyways back to the King's Speech.

I thought this was one of the best movies I have seen all year. Perhaps even better than Inception. The acting was superb and the story was engrossing enough for me to ignore the sound of the hissing oxygen tank that a geriatric patron had brought in with him. I mean, do not get me wrong, I am all for old people keeping in touch with the latest movies, and understand that this wry and dry British Drama is exactly the type of flick old people want to watch, but still, why the heck did they have to sit in the same row as me?

Ok, ok enough bitching. At least there weren't any kids running laps around the theater like the one time I went in saw King Kong. As I said, the King's Speech was easily the best movie of the year and the wonderful acting by everyone involved (especially Colin Firth) kept me captivated and enabled me to ignore the ticking hisses that were escaping from the oxygen tank seated 10 seats down from me. I thought this film was a great look into the intimate lives of the Royal Family during the dawn of the Modern Era and how lonely it is to be King. I think it probably had more to say about the loneliness that pervades in this era of connectedness than the Social Network without trying to beat the viewer over the head with it.

It totally deserved the Oscar.

And that is all I have to say about that.

Woah, wait a minute BS...

Is that all you are going to say about the Oscars? Really, after all that talk about them?

Well okay: James Franco looked stoned and Anne Hathaway looked pretty hot. I also appreciated the F-Bomb dropped by that chick from The Fighter. Other than that it, it was the pretty much the most boring Oscar Show ever, on par with The Grammys. Judging from the ratings, thats what everyone else thought too. Maybe next year they will get Ricky Gervais to host it in order to add a little kick to it.

Ricky Gervais and Shitty Ass Coffee

2011-01-19T05:31:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here in my office drinking some shitty ass starbucks coffee thinking about the Golden Globes . Not Sofia Vergara's (those are hers btw) but the actual awards show that is put on by some weird agency called the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. Who is the HFPA? I dunno. Go ask someone who cares. All I know is that the Golden Globes that are not Sofia Vergara's (her's are more bronze) is generally considered to be Oscar's ugly little sister, never really getting as much attention or respect.

I never really bothered to pay attention to this crappy little show that touted itself as more of a celebrity booze fest than a awards. Hey lets watch famous people get free booze! I mean come on, both The Tourist and Burlesque received nominations for best musical or comedy this year, making it obvious that the HFPA is more concerned which hot celebrities were in the crowd than which performers deserved to be awarded based on their merit.

Because if that was the case, than they should have at least nominated Jerry O'Connell for his over the top performance in Pirhana 3D.

I am fucking serious, it was the best performance since Will Ferrel in Elf.

Oh, hey but wait a minute there BS, "say the defenders of the double G's, "the Golden Globes has a long history of selecting the Oscar Winners, or at least nominating them."

Yeah, sure many films, film makers, and performers who win a Globe go on to win an Oscar, However, this generally happens when the winner is obvious ( for example Natalie Portman in Black Swan) however, when there is no real obvious winner, the HFPA is generally exposed for what they really are: Celebrity Butt Kissers.

And this is why a lot of people are more prone to watching Seinfeld reruns and then finding out who won on E later.

Until Ricky Gervais came along and made the show funny.

It was not until last year that I actually sat through the entire Golden Globes and it was not because I wanted to see what kind of dress Angelina was wearing, or to listen to some Glee cast member's retarded banter. It was because I wanted to see who Ricky was going to poke fun at next.

And this year it was no different.

The only reason i found myself in front of the boob tube at 5 o'clock PST with NBC on was because he was once again hosting the Golden Globes.

He did not disappoint.

The Tourist's awfulness

Closeted Scientologists

Robert Downey's past drug problems

Tim Allen's non importance

Hugh Hefner's 84 year old Penis

Even the old geezer in charge of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association

He skewered pretty much everybody he could, throwing a cream filled pie right into Hollywood's face, doing what he can to deflate its inflated sense of self importance and bring them back down to everyone else's level.

And what did Hollywood do?

It cried about it. Called him "mean spirited" and vowed never to let him near their ass kissing party ever again.

Oh boo hoo, poor Hollywood.

Got it's feeling all hurt by this English Jester who was only doing his best to make this lame ass little sister to the Academy Awards a little bit more watchable. It is not enough that the general public showers you in opulence, looks the other way when you transgress and even gives you a second, third and fourth chance, because you are Star after all. Oh no, thats not enough, we also are supposed to watch as you get your butt kissed for starring in a subpar action/comedy/thriller that a three old can guess the ending too.

Oh please!

Get the fuck over yourself Hollywood.

As for my man Ricky...

I am sure he will end up having the last laugh when the rating plummet next year and could probably give a fuck if he never gets invited to the Globes show.

Its not like it the Oscars

Or even the BAFTA's

Best Movies of the Year

2011-01-01T07:41:00.000-08:00

Okay, so here it is, a brand new year, 4 months of swearing and trying to turn a 0 into a 1 every time you need to write the date down. But thats okay, because a new year is upon us, time for new beginnings, broken resolutions, and worrying about that whole 2012 thing that the Mayans talked about.

It is also the time to start making lists!.

So here is my list of the best movies of the year: Take that Oscar

Looking back on old 2010 this morning while sipping a double SO El Salvadorian Espresso (that I made with the new Delonghi Espresso maker that I got for Xmas), it was not a particularly great year for Hollywood. When movies that you can figure out by watching the trailers (The Tourist) and sequels of sequels (Toy Story 3) start getting Oscar buzz, you know that you are in trouble. Hollywood's Resolution probably should be to make less crap this year that does not rely on solely on those hokey 3D goggles to make money.

We need more movies like:

10: Piranha 3D!

Thats is right, this is first one on my list of best movies of 2010. I know, it may seem a bit hypocritical to rant about how shitty most 3D movies and then to include one in my top ten list, but honestly this movie will be fun to watch in just about any dimension. The floating cock getting snatched by primordial piranhas and the naked titties in 3D are just extra bonuses.

5: Mother

I just watched this Korean thriller about the strange relationship between a mother and her good looking but mentally disturbed son last night and bam!, I was so blown away by it that I just had to put it on the list. Go ahead, call him a retard, see what happens.

4: Ip Man

Another movie I just recently saw on Netflix, This action packed martial arts story about the guy who schooled Bruce Lee was actually made in 2008, but hey, I figured I am compiling a list of the 5 best films that I saw in 10, not what actually came out. With moving and the new dog and everything, our lets go to the movies budget was slashed, so much of what I watch now is on the old boob toob. Anyway, I watched this movie on Christmas and it made me wanna go out and Slap a Jap wing chun style baby.

3: True Grit

Okay, I have not actually seen this new Brothers Coen movie yet, but I know that when I do, it is bound to be somewhere on the list.

2: Black Swan

I wanted this new Aronofsky film to be number one on my list, but I keep comparing it to his masterpiece "The Wrestler" and finding myself a wee bit disappointed. Still, the hot girl on girl action between Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis virtually guarantees that I will be watching this movie again sometime in the near future, alone with my trusty box of tissue.

1: Inception

Sure, a more artsy fartsy film might beat out this mind bending caper for the Oscar, but Inception is still a winner in my book. Clever, entertaining, action packed and also one of the few films I actually got to see in the theater this year, Inception blew me out of the water and had be wondering what really could be happening inside the worlds we dream.

So there you have it. I was originally going to give you 10 movies for 10, but then i realized that i did not even see ten great movies this year. Fuck, I had to include a movie made in 2008 and a movie I haven't even seen yet to make it to five. But there they are, all great movies that you should give a chance. Whether or not or have a pair of cheap plastic 3D goggles.

Please don't eat my babies

2010-12-27T06:06:00.000-08:00

See here, Mrs. Green, I got a bag full of your babies, and I am going to eat them.

Oh No, please don't eat my babies!

But they I so delectably sweet, I must. And there is nothing you do about it. Muahahahaha

Oh no please not my babies, I will do anything you ask.

Anything?

ANY-thing....

Hmmmm....

And that is how I got this bag full of green and white m&ms

Merry Christmas Jerk

2010-12-26T07:57:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas You Jerk.

What did you give me? Nothing but some cheap plastic toys that I ate in less than five minutes and this stupid ass hat that I can't shake off. Sure laugh it up, but while you are messing around with your new espresso machine, and gorging on chocolate without giving me any, I am going to go chew on the cord for the Christmas lights.

That'll teach you to turn me into Santa's little helper: Asshole

I say young man can you let me go? Or at least give me some milk and cookies, I am all bones and beard. I am sorry I did not bring you a new hot top coffee roaster that you wanted. But times are tough. You should be happy with your new espresso machine and five pound sack of beans.