Cold Jokes

THE CORPORATE LADDER

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 01:55:00 +0000

BRITISH ENGLISH VS MALAYSIAN ENGLISH

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 15:21:00 +0000

Who says our English is teruk? Just read below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to- the-point, effective etc.

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.

Malaysians: No stock.

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone call for me a few moments ago?

Malaysians: Hello, who call?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY
Britons: Excuse me, I would like to get by. Would you please make way?

Malaysians: S-kew me.

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey! Put your wallet away, this drink is on me.

Malaysians: No need lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?

Malaysians: (pointing at the door) Can ah?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.

Malaysians: No need shy shy one lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.

Malaysians: Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I would prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.

Malaysians: Don't want lah.

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err...Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.

Malaysians: You mad ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice? I'm trying to concentrate over here.

Malaysians: Shut up lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU..
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for sometime. Do I know you?

Malaysians: See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment...

Malaysians: Die lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?

Malaysians: What happened ah? Why like that one lah?

WHEN SOMEONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it. Here, let me show you.

Malaysians: Like that also don't know how to do!

WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me?

Malaysians: Celaka you!

So which would you prefer? Send this to your Malaysian friends and let them have a laugh too. Good day!

FEMALE DRIVER

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 12:21:00 +0000

NEED GLASSES

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 12:16:00 +0000

THE BREAK UP

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 12:14:00 +0000

A BLUR DAD

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 12:07:00 +0000

WHAT THERMAL IMAGE CAMERA AT AIRPORT DETECTED

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 11:19:00 +0000

好笑版《屋顶》

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 11:17:00 +0000

> 天啊這真的是太神奇了
> 大家一定要開附加檔案來听听唷!!(一邊听一邊看底下的歌詞,差點笑死掉)
> 他們真的唱的很不錯.....
> 其實這兩個人唱歌都蠻好的耶
> 最佩服的是唱這種歌詞還能唱得這麼深情不會笑場
> 功力真的很夠!!!! (真是吃飽太閒呀~哈哈~)
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 吳宗憲和溫嵐的'屋頂'-〔廚房篇〕
>
> 男: 半夜睡不著覺　原來是巴豆腰（肚子饿）
> 只好到廚房去吃一點東西
> 女: 睡夢中被吵醒　我還是不確定
> 廚房怎會有人在開冰箱的聲音
> 我悄悄出房門　帶著球棒過去
> 原來是剛才睡在我旁邊那個人
> 男: 那個人不就是每天幫我煮飯的人
> 我們都松了一口氣
> 男: 有麵線
> 女: 有麵線
> 男女: 還有两個「燒肉粽」(台語) Ｈｏ～Ｈｏ～
> 女: 再加上一點「豆油膏」(台語)
> 男: 再加上一點花生粉
> 女: 再把那麵線全部煮成一大碗
> 男: 喔~~~煮成一大碗
> 男女: 吃飽這時刻　這一分一秒汗流不止
> 男: 胃開始糾結
> 女: 該不會是那「豆油膏」(台語)
> 男: 還是過期的花生粉
> 女: 快打電話去給那最近的醫院
> 男: 喔~~最近的醫院
> 男女: 送醫這時刻　這一分一秒腹瀉不止
> 男: 臉開始糾結
> 男女: 今夜真倒霉
>
> *****************************************
>
> 女: 刚才落屎是誰
> 男: 是我～
> 女: 讓你落屎是誰
> 男: 是妳～
> 女: 整車的便便氣味環繞在我倆的身邊
> 男: 便便氣味環繞在我倆的身邊
> 女: 讓我害怕是誰
> 男:是我～
> 女: 讓你抓狂是誰
> 男: 是妳～
> 男女: 現在我很想找個地方躲一躲
> 男女: 嗚～～～～～
>

IF YOU MARRY AN ARTIST...

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 11:03:00 +0000

THE LEGEND OF TRIBAL NAMES

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 10:59:00 +0000

A little American Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men having shorter names like Bill, Tex or Sam?"
His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people. It's very simple and easy to understand.
Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?

DRAWING

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 10:27:00 +0000

EMBARRASSING MOMENTS

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 12:56:00 +0000

THE CAUSE OF MAD COW DISEASE

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 11:23:00 +0000

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?" "Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?" "And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" "Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?" "Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

??????

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Wed, 06 May 2009 10:05:00 +0000

1、题目：一边……一边……

��小朋友写：他一边脱衣服，一边穿裤子。

��老师批语：他到底是要脱还是要穿啊？

��2、题目：其中

��小朋友写：我的其中一只左脚受伤了。

��老师批语：你是蜈蚣吗？

��3、题目：陆陆续续

��小朋友写：下班了，爸爸陆陆续续的回家了。

��老师批语：你到底有几个爸爸呀？

��4、题目：难过

��小朋友写：我家门前有条水沟很难过。

��老师批语：老师更难过。

��5、题目：又……又……

��小朋友写：我的妈妈又矮又高又胖又瘦。

��老师批语；你的妈妈是变形金钢吗？

��6、题目：你看

��小朋友写：你看什么看！没看过啊

��老师批语：没看过

��7、题目：欣欣向荣

��小朋友写：欣欣向荣荣告白。

��老师批语：连续剧不要看太多了！

��8、题目：好吃

��小朋友写：好吃个屁。

��老师批语：有些东西是不能吃的。

��9、题目：天真

��小朋友写：今天真热。

��老师批语：你真天真。

��10、题目：果然

��小朋友写：昨天我吃水果，然后喝凉水。

��老师批语：是词组，不能分开的。

��11、题目：先……再……，例题：先吃饭，再冼澡。

��小朋友写：先生，再见！

��老师批语：想像力超过了地球人的智慧。

��12、题目：况且

��小朋友写：一列火车经过，况且况且况且况且况且况

��老师批语：我死了算了。

你願意為我而死嗎

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Wed, 06 May 2009 10:00:00 +0000

一對年輕情侶…正在瘋狂的熱戀…姑娘痴痴的對另一半說：

男的一聽這句話…臉色大變…
許久無法說出話來…….（因為愛…這個代價未免也太大了吧…）

但那男人實在太愛這個姑娘了…

沒有辦法…

畢竟…

這就是愛…

於是…那男人…就…

挖了挖自己的耳朵…

然後……….

用力的塞進他女友的嘴裡…

因為男的把：你會為我而死嗎？聽成…………

（你會餵我耳屎嗎？）

MEMOIRS OF IMHOSPITAL

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Wed, 06 May 2009 08:52:00 +0000

Record I
Patient A: "So how... this book’s not bad ya?"
Patient B: "Excellent! Astounding work. No nonsense shit, sharp and concise to the point. But there's a major flaw in this piece of art too many character names to remember!!!"
Nurse: "Hey! Can the two of you. Put the telephone book back to the original place?"

Record II
One doctor asked a patient: "If I were to cut one of your ears off, what will happen to you?"
Patient: "Then I will not be able to hear..."
Doctor: "Hmm.. that's normal...So if I were to cut your other ear off, what will happen to you?"
Patient: "Then I will not be able to see..."
The doctor became nervous and asked: "Why would you not see then???"
Patient: "Because my spectacles will drop down..."

Record III
IMH has an old lady who wears black everyday, carries a black umbrella and squats @ the entrance to the IMH everyday without fail, rain or shine. The doctor wanted to administer treatment for her and decided to start by understanding her behavior.
So, the doctor also wear black and carries a black umbrella; squatted outside together just next to her, rain or shine, everyday without fail.
So...days goes by... the two of them squatted side-by-side w/o a single exchange of words for one solid month...
One fine day, the old lady finally broke the silence and asked the doctor: "Err...Excuse me! Are you also a mushroom?"

Record IV
A nurse saw a patient writing a letter. . She got curious and went to take a peek.. But the patient didn't wanna let her see.
Nurse (unable to contain her curiosity): "Who are you writing to?"
Patient: "I'm writing a letter to myself..."
Her curiosity grew and she thought to herself (Why would someone write a letter to himself?)
So she asked again: "So...what's written inside?"
Patient (got impatient): "You crazy ah? I haven't received the letter, how would I know??"

Record V
Two patients escape from the IMH. They climbed up a tree and one of them fell from the tree and started rolling on the ground.
After a while, the patient rolling shouted to the top: "Hey! How come you are not coming down yet?"
The patient on top replied: "No.. no... I can't...I'm not ripe yet"

Record VI
One patient visited the doctor: "Doc...how? I think I'm a chicken since I was born..."
Doctor: "Woah! that's very serious...Why do you only come and seek treatment now?"
Patient: "Because my family needs me to hatch the eggs..."

Record VII
One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH.
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home after unloading the stuff.
He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.
When he was about to fix on the new tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.
The truck driver was very sad as he can't fish the bolts up; started to panic.
Coincidentally, one patient walked past and asked the driver what happened.
The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.
The patient nonchalantly replied: "can't even fix such a simple problem...no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..." he goes on explaining:
"You just have to take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones"
The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why do you stay in IMH?"
Patient replied: "I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

HOROSCOPES FUNNY

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 15:00:00 +0000

白羊座妈妈经常叮嘱羊羊：'穿裙子时不可以荡秋千；不然，会被小男生看到里面的小内裤哦！'有一天，羊羊高兴地对妈妈说：'今天我和小明比赛荡秋千，我赢了！ '妈妈生气地说：'不是告诉过你吗？穿裙子时不要荡秋千！'羊羊骄傲地说：'可是我好聪明哦！我把里面的小内裤脱掉了，这样他就看不到我的小内裤了！'（勇敢直率、敢做敢为的白羊）金牛座卖瓜小贩：' 快来吃西瓜，不甜不要钱！ '饥渴的牛牛： ' 哇！太好了，老板，来个不甜的！'（持家、想出轨又顾全自己的金牛）双子座妈妈叫双双起床： ' 快点起来！公鸡都叫好几遍了！'双双说： '公鸡叫和我有什么关系？我又不是母鸡！ '（自我意识强烈、自行思维的双子）巨蟹座公车上，蟹蟹说： '今晚我要和妈妈睡！ '妈妈问道：' 你将来娶了媳妇也和妈妈睡阿？ '蟹蟹不假思索：' 嗯！ '妈妈又问： ' 那你媳妇怎么办？ '蟹蟹想了半天，说：' 好办，让她跟爸爸睡！ '妈妈： ' ！＠＃＄％︿＆＊（……—'再看爸爸，已经热泪盈眶啦！（恋母情结、依恋的巨蟹）狮子座狮狮去参加奶奶的寿宴。到了吃寿包的时候，狮狮问：'我们为什么要吃这种像屁股的寿包？'众人听了脸色大变。接著狮狮拨开寿包，看看里面的豆沙，说：'奶奶，快看！里面还有大便！ '众人晕的晕，吐的吐。（以自我感受、不怕旁人眼光的骄傲的狮子）处女座处处对肚脐很好奇，就问爸爸。爸爸把脐带连著胎儿与母体的道理简单地讲了一下，说：'婴儿离开母体之后，医生把脐带减断，并打了一个结，後来就成了肚脐。'处处： '那医生为什么不打个蝴蝶结？ '（好奇心强又追求完美的处女）天秤座父亲对天天说： '今天不要上学了，昨晚．．．你妈给你生了两个弟弟。你给老师说一下就行了。'天天却回答：'爸爸，我只说生了一个；另一个，我想留著下星期不想上时再说！'（聪明、权衡利弊的天平）天蠍座蠍蠍刚睡著，就叫蚊子叮了一口。他起来赶蚊子，却怎么也赶不出去。没法，便指著蚊子说：'好吧，你不出去我出去！ '边说边出了房间，把门使劲关严得意地说：'哼！我今晚不进屋，非把你饿死不可！'（搞不懂、不按常理出牌的天蝎）射手座射射： ' 爸爸，为什么你有那么多白头发？'爸爸： '因为你不乖，所以爸爸有好多白头发阿。 '射射：…… （疑惑中）射射： '那为什么爷爷全部都是白头发？ '爸爸：！＠＃＄％︿＆＊（……（喜欢思考的射手）摩羯座一天，羯羯跟妈妈上街；走在路上，突然下起雨来。妈妈拉过羯羯的小手，说：' 下雨了，快往前跑阿！ '羯羯慢条斯理地问： ' 那前面就不下雨喽！？ '（明白现实懒得改变的摩羯）水瓶座瓶瓶问妈妈： ' 问什么称蒋先生为『先人』？ '妈妈说： ' 因为 ' 先人 ' 是对死去的人的称呼。'瓶瓶说： ' 那去世的奶奶是不是要叫『鲜奶』？'（天生的另类、脑筋思考永远和常人不一样的水瓶）双鱼座爸爸给鱼鱼讲小时候经常挨饿的事。听完後，鱼鱼两眼含泪，十分同情地问：'哦，爸爸，你是因为没饭吃才来我们家的吗？ '（富含丰富同情心、不分情况对象的双鱼）

THE TRAINEE ......

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 16:20:00 +0000

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

THE BARBER

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 16:13:00 +0000

One day a florist goes for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing a community service". The florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A butcher goes for a haircut the next day and he also goes to pay the barber and the barber reples: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing a community service". The butcher is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning the barber goes to open his shop and there is a thank you card and a package of steaks waiting at his door.
The next day a Fireman goes for a haircut and goes to pay the barber. The barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing a community service".
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds at the door?

Can you guess?

Come on, think like a Fireman....

....two dozen other Firemen waiting for free haircuts!

WATCH THOSE BUTTONS

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 16:10:00 +0000

One day John decides to invite Mark on a trip on his private jet. Whilst on this luxury aeroplane Mark asks where the toilet is. John shows him and says to him "inside there are 3 buttons, whatever you do don't press the third one." Mark proceeds to the toilet and does his business. Whilst sitting on the toilet he presses the first button. Suddenly his privates are cleaned thoroughly. He enjoys this and presses the second button. Dryers appear and dry his privates. He is intrigued to find out what button 3 does, so he pushes it. The next thing Mark sees is John staring at him....."what happened?" Mark asks shakily. "Well you pressed the third button and now you are in hospital." "Why do my privates hurt so bad?" Mark asked anxiously..John replies "Well you activated the automatic tampon remover."

SLEEPING IN CHURCH

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 16:07:00 +0000

Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells:IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!

TONS OF Q&A FOR KIDS

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 15:59:00 +0000

Q: What's red and goes up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator.

Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
A: We have to stick together.

Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?
A: Hello, hello.

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldoser.

Q: When is a baseball player like a thief?
A: When he steals a base.

Q: What did the can say to the can opener?
A: You make me flip my lid.

Q: What is a volcano?
A: A mountain with the hiccups.

Q: What do you find at the end of everything?
A: The letter "g".

Q: What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?
A: He called a toe truck.

Q: Why do two skunks argue?
A: Because they like to kick up a stink.

Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier?
A: You can count on me.

Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
A: Put them in a barking lot.

Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?
A: He wanted to be a cool cat.

Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: One more crack and I'll plaster you.

Q: Why is baseball like a cake?
A: They both need batters.

Q: What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
A: Take me to your weeder.

Q: What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?
A: Slippers!

Q: What did the rug say to the floor?
A: I've got you covered!

Q: How do you make antifreeze?
A: You steal her blanket.

Q: Why does a cow wear a bell?
A: Because her horns don't work.

DOCTOR DOCTOR

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 15:58:00 +0000

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Doc: Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.
Then you'll have a bad headache.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!
Doc: When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the...

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!
Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
Doc: I never make rash promises!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog!
Doc: So what's wrong with that?
I think I'm going to croak!

LOOKING BACK ON PHOTO

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 14:48:00 +0000

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled"

WOULD YOU PLEASE MOVE YOUR CAR?

noreply@blogger.com (coldjokes) — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 14:45:00 +0000

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."