College Freakin' Hoops!

Villanova 2015-16 Preview

2015-09-21T08:57:00.003-07:00

Many details about the site from this previous season have gone underaddressed by me. My house was vandalized by hungry paparazzi, eating my privacy like tarantulas feasting on a fruit F'ING fly.

One of those details is that, yeah, my bracket got busted.

I had Villanova going on to win the Golden Fleece in last year's tournament, but after an upset that left NC State's version of Dikembe Mutombo convulsing on the ground while swaddling his victory game ball, I saw it as more than an upset.

This game made me free fall through complete darkness - a slumber that left my personal life in disarray. I thought it couldn't happen two years in a row to the Golden Boys from 'Nova, but yet again, they were defeated by an unruly team of mad hatters and gadflies.

Returning starter Ryan Arcticuno will use snow over and over to his advantage, just like last year. BLIZZARD, ICY WIND, ICE BEAM, DRY FREEZE.

This Villanova team shoots a lot of threes. They settle for the 3. Settle for less like they always do and call it being content.

"It seems like a good shot to me!!" - delusional Jay Wright

We will know for sure when the 'Cats play St. Joes on December 1, and we will see how they handle DeAndre Bembry. Will someone guard him before he strikes and sends the university curriculum spiraling into chaos?

I have a new theory that you need more tall guys to win in Bball. Yet again Villanova is rather small & unable to reach the knob to unlock the Final Four Door. Sorry but it's just the truth.

KENTUCKY WILDCATS 2014-2015 PREVIEW

2014-10-18T21:52:00.000-07:00

Kentucky Coach John Calipari

IN-DEPTH WITH THE WILDCATS
Kicking off the season previews series with the #1 team in all the land, the University of Kentucky Wildcats. Coming within reach of a championship last year, John Calipari's Wildcats look to claw their way back to the top!

Also introducing the Scout's Corner, a section not recommended for the faint of heart. This is the advanced sports metrics section. Don't even bother if you can't deal with doing mental math.

I didn't make this blog so that idiots could come in here and drool on themselves, leaving comments about how they don't understand THIS and THAT. I'll tell you this: CFH is a fool-free zone.

If you're even THINKING about leaving one of your useless, brain-dead comments on this site (and you KNOW who I'm talking to, you), I'll have your IP banned and put spyware in your browser's cookies so that you'll REALLY be in a world of hurt.

I am a computer hacker and I know how Javascript works. Don't believe me? It functions by finding a target HTML element, and then doing something to it, just like CSS, but the way it operates, the syntax etc. is rather different. JavaScript is a more complicated and expansive subject than HTML and CSS, so to keep things simple and avoid confusing your simple minds at this stage, I won’t be discussing it in the below example.

In fact, you won’t be looking at JavaScript information on this site again unless you go spewing your mindless garbage on my comments again.

Just keep that in mind next time you want to run your mouth around here.

SCOUT'S CORNER: The 3 Main Bulletpoints

Nearly unanimous preseason number one picks
Two separate FIVE MAN UNITS holy shit
John Calipari has acquired a BUTTLOAD of new NBA-caliber recruits, likely one-season-and-done. One-and-dones from recent years include Anthony Davis, Nerlens Noel, Julius Randle...the list of top tier picks goes on and on

Add one more name to that legendary list: COTTON NASH. This young up-and-comer graced the cover of Sports Illustrated this week and is sure to shred. Yes he'll eat his way through the SEC's gluten-y defenses like a celiac glutton (meaning it'll make him sick but he's tough as a rock so w/e).

Basketball's newest white superstar

All is quiet on the western front...

2014-10-16T20:02:00.000-07:00

Born anew, in the eye of my life's hurricane, so gently in a basketball. So quiet and calm....

One must wonder: Will college hoops even happen this year?

The deafening silence. The calm before the weather storm (and the unbelievable gale force twisters that are to follow!!!). A cyclone of this magnitude can't be good, take shelter. Lock your windows and your doors, board up your hoops cabin shack. Protect that big screen TV!

Spill beer on the cable broadcasting console, o networks. Save us from the breathtaking drama of another college hoops season. My heart can't take it!

I still care I must admit

I know that if we ever break up
I know you'll never make up
And I'm sorry, so sorry

But my heart can't take it no more

Half the times you lied
You know how many times I cried
Lonely tears, it brought me misery

Maybe one day you'll realize
Just how I really tried
Darling to make you happy

I gave my heart
You only took it and destroyed it
And now you say it's me you love

Yet you cheated and deceived me
And now you say you want to keep me
And I'm sorry, so sorry

In the mere cyclone of a month, the basketballs will dribble down from the skies, there ain't no stopping me now. College Freakin Hoops, 2015, let's do this.

ELITE 8 PREVIEW- MSU VS UCONN - LEPRECHAUNS OF MARCH

2014-03-30T11:31:00.004-07:00

Could it be! I said could it be! The green and white haze has fallen through the meadows. The huskies can't find their way! Shabazz has fallen among the poppies of ill-mannered magic. The time is now for the combo of Payne and Dawson to unleash the crawl. Hordes of leprechauns! The lights are on, the match is set. Let the leprechaun dance commence.

ELITE 8 PREVIEW: Kentucky vs. Michigan - The Miracle of Birth or Spirit Animals?

2014-03-30T07:10:00.001-07:00

Watch out for Kentucky's Julius Randle! He has emerged as a killer shark who goes after blood in the water while humming the JAWS theme song. Michigan's big men will have to punch him in the snout to get rid of him.

Jordan Morgan has become more of a rabid Wolverine as the season has gone on. But much like his spirit animal, this nocturnal carnivore will struggle to perform before the sun goes down. Sunset is scheduled for 8:18 PM tonight, which has the Michigan faithful saying, "Ruh roh!" as they scavenge Scooby Snacks from the petrol-drenched floors of Lucas Oil Stadium.

Nik Stauskas has been Michigan's shining star all season. A milky white skinned player, this dribbling biscuit of a man has been shooting at a high percentage throughout this tournament. But tonight is the night his muscle memory fails him and his shooting touch becomes a script for the next l33t fail video! He will not be able to buy a hoop on Craig's List!

The Harrison twins are not Siamese, but they are still a sort of two-headed monster on the basketball court. These siblings were born less than a day apart. This miracle of birth is sure to propel the Wildcats to the Final 4!

PICK: Kentucky (-2)

ELITE 8 PREVIEW: Dayton vs Florida

2014-03-29T15:27:00.002-07:00

Has the illustrious tournament run come to a close? Florida the once sought after gators are facing a fierce competitor. The antitheses of carnal rule is the airborne joy of flyers. Archie the one a time forgotten brother of Sean Miller has ammased his gang of ravenous mouth breathers and is poised to set off the A-10 grenade. Don "monk" meineke has returned! Surely his spirit will guide the high flyers to the final four!

ELITE 8 PREVIEW: Arizona and the FUN-draiser to get Brandon Ashley new legs

2014-03-29T06:58:00.001-07:00

Sean Miller views his coaching job a lot like a buffet, feasting on superb talent and washing it down with a carbonated soda of success (which only costs $1.85 extra given the right circumstances). This sort of gluttony has led him to gain an unhealthy amount of metaphoric weight on his metaphysical body and he might have a heart attack. 911 is on my speed dial for tonight and if I see Sean Miller acting a bit wonky on TV, you all will know exactly what's happening to him on a metaphysical level.

Wisconsin's Frank Kaminsky has proven to be a slam dunk in the talent dumpster throughout this tournament. This self-proclaimed "trash man" will continue making baskets as if he were lofting paper mache into a waste disposal.

But how you gonna shoot 3's with the Arizona's pack-line defense? Wisconsin coach Bo Ryan can't seem to figure it out and this morning had to be restrained by giant police when asked a wily question by one of the reporters. This reporter was wearing a trenchcoat and seemed to think he was detective Colombo or something, so I personally think Bo's outburst was understandable.

KEY POINT OF THE GAME
- Will Brandon Ashley return for Arizona? No one is talking about this, but we here at College Freakin Hoops can never rule it out. This is, after all, March Madness.

We are taking donations for the Brandon Ashley fund. We are trying to raise enough money to attach him to some leg units. If successful in our funding, he could almost certainly see some action for Sean Miller's squad tonight.

March Madness has brought me out of a depression I burned all my snapbacks and stayed warm by the fire since I no longer have a home because I burned it to the ground to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire

2014-03-29T06:39:00.001-07:00

I have emerged from my depression as a new man. My bracket wasn't busted this year because I'm not gonna fill one out til the end of the season, then Warren Buffet will HAVE to give my my billion.

SEARCH KEYWORDS: so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire so because I was homeless I burned all my snapbacks to stay warm by the fire

Snapback 3

2013-07-14T10:16:00.002-07:00

Bracket busted, still pretty down about that whole fiasco. Just been chillin, ordering as many snapbacks as I can.

My snapback is my crown. The freshest, finest West-Coast stylin'. Right out the eighties is that this vintage mesh truck driver snapback cap. The title Andy Mel Bend is symbolic of 90s skateboarding. Around the front is definitely an oblong-formed patch using the brand and Above allstay unknown sewn. This snapback cap sports a Black mesh back panel having a cotton front panel featuring what Ambigs World. This cover is associated with that

Self Shot 2

2013-05-06T13:14:00.001-07:00

My bracket got busted last year, so I will start using this blog as a forum for my thoughts and also for modeling my new snapbacks as they come in the mail from lidz.com

Self Shot

2013-05-06T13:13:00.001-07:00

9 of the AP Top 12 Teams Have Lost

2013-01-26T12:44:00.003-08:00

The # 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 9, 10, 11, and 12 ranked college basketball teams all lost this week. Amidst this chaos, art can be the only way one can express oneself. These are the lyrics to a song called "Chemical Halo", which could have been written by any number of college basketball analysts after the weeks events.

"Chemical halo burning bright In a sodium haze,
All meaning is lost,
But this confusion remains.
I'm going to tear myself apart
If i can't get myself together,
And spread my pieces around like waste
And give my gift of stormy weather.
Every time i move i feel like something's broken.
Every time i laugh i feel like maybe i'm choking.
I know you'd laugh too,
But it's not the funny anymore.

I kissed the floor on my way down,
A match head burning out on the frozen ground.

I just want to thank every one of you
For all the things that you don't do,
For the stab in the back
For the kick in the face
For the pain in the neck
And all the shame and disgrace
For the spit in the eye
And all the things you say,
And all the head games you play."

#1 DUKE LOSES TO #25 MIAMI 90-62

2013-01-24T09:45:00.002-08:00

HEY DOOK, KISS MY ASS!!!!!! MIAMI IS NUMBER ONE BABY!!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!

KISS MY ASS DOOKIE!!!!!

DID ANYONE SEE COACH K'S RED FACE BOILING AND ALL HIS ZITS EXPLODING!!! RIGHT ON THE COURT, THAT WAS SO GROSS YA'LL!!!

THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!

TALK TO ME, I'M A MAN, I'M 40@!!!!!!

THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!

Mason Plumlee: Duke Workhorse

2013-01-06T09:14:00.005-08:00

Big men choose to sign with the Blue Devils because of the Duke screen-setting legacy. They want their fair shot at setting the NCAA record for screens set in a season. Mason Plumlee is no exception, setting hundreds of thousands of screens in his 4 seasons at Duke.

Mason has spent years writhing under Coach K's cruel lash. Spurred on by these constant, now schizophrenic whispers ("Why aren't you flopping more?" ... "Keep flopping, Mason!") Plumlee is on his way to his finest season at Duke.

Mason Plumlee has cemented his legacy as a workhorse for Duke or at least a horse, people will remember him as a horse of some sort just look at him.

The Fractured Christmas of Wyoming Star Luke Martinez

2013-01-02T21:44:00.002-08:00

Ah, another great holiday season for college hoops fans has come and gone, and most of us come out unscathed. The same cannot be said for University of Wyoming's scoring leader Luke Martinez, who broke his hand in a violent collision with partridge in a pear tree. Doctors say he will be sidelined for a fortnight, which is probably close to 40 days and 40 nights in American time but you're going to have to do the math. #i dont know how to do it.

Wyoming is the most surprising undefeated team in college basketball. They are miraculously still winning games with a shoelace-trippin' team of unlikely reserves.

"We've won the bare minimum amount of games to stay undefeated -- nothing more, nothing less," said rebellious, ungrateful coach Larry Shyatt. His technique of coaching by offering no corrections or advice, just screaming at his players in a loud angry voice, is finally starting to pay off. However, one must question his all-around mental health to harbor such anger despite his team's wily success.

COLLEGE BASKETBALL Villanova vs Xavier Highlights

2012-12-26T15:01:00.001-08:00

Coack K and the Championship Lab

2012-11-30T19:46:00.005-08:00

Coach Mike Kryztwhwacki has, for years, been known for his ability to take every aspect of basketball way too seriously. This season is no exception, as he is frequently spotted screaming at his players to get up after they tear their respective ACLs.

One Duke player got a harsh scolding for not getting back quickly enough on defense - he was managing his scabs on the other end of the court.

In a COLLEGE FREAKIN HOOPS EXCLUSIVE, Coach Kryzthesckiki led us to the back part of Duke's locker room. I'm assuming other media doesn't come here because the results were shocking. He had vats of players developing within his superlab, doing strange warm up stretches while swabbling in some sort of gooey fluid.

"We are just beginning to scrub the surface," said Coach K, with a symbolic loofah in hand. "Thank you for covering college basketball in such an honest way for our fanbase."

He slapped his hand in some of the experimental goo and held it out for me to shake, kind of like that Ford truck commercial and so I indulged it well what else was i gonna do.

"Thanks for your kind words, Coach K," I said, somewhat effeminately. "I will keep doing my best to cover college basketball in the way I see fit."

"Son," he said, "you're doing one hell of a job. Keep doing what you're doing. It's a service to the NCAA."

"It's my pleasure, Coach," I again said.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to use the bathroom," he said.

"No problem, Coach, I'll wait up for you."

As I stood there alone, amongst the developing basketball prodigies in Coach K's superlab, I felt numb to the world. No joy, no disgust, no terror. Just a determination -- a reignited passion to give you the hoops.

"Give them the hoops, son," I heard Coach K say, the echoes ruminating from his bathroom stall.

"OK" I said. Now I'm giving u the hoops thanks for readin ya'll

BREAKING: Jim Boeheim Medical Fraud Costs Syracuse Their Moral Dignity

2012-11-27T09:02:00.002-08:00

How bout we all stop playing along with this crap -- Jim Boeheim is a coot who abuses the trust that his players give him.

He wears a surgical mask and expects people to trust him with medicine, he fired all the team doctors! He has pocketed nearly $70,000 keesh from his pharmaceutical ruse. now his team is plagued with contagious diseases and Boehiem is working on his twisted multidimensional doping process out of desperation.

This isn't quite as serious of a problem but I'll throw it in because its relevant - Syracuse lacks the equipment to produce popcorn, Jim ate it all. Looks like he needs that 'Corn at home more than ya'll Orange nation need it!

Now Syracuse sucks, they lost to the san diego Combat Wombats, they aint any good. Screaming "God help us" is not the most effective strategy most of the time but I guess 'Cuse will have to see how it works out this year!

NEW AP TOP 25: University of Spoiled Chicken Rises to #4 - NCAAB 2013 November 27

2012-11-27T07:55:00.000-08:00

1	Indiana (47)	6-0	1,606
2	Duke (18)	6-0	1,554
3	Michigan	5-0	1,421
4	University of Spoiled Chicken	4-0	1,416
5	Louisville	5-1	1,347
6	Syracuse	4-0	1,323
7	Florida	5-0	1,227
8	Kentucky	4-1	1,180
9	Arizona	3-0	1,076
10	Kansas	4-1	937
11	Creighton	6-0	926
12	Gonzaga	6-0	854
13	Michigan State	5-1	818
14	North Carolina	5-1	718
15	Oklahoma State	5-0	668
16	Missouri	5-1	665
17	Cincinnati	6-0	571
18	North Carolina State	4-1	553
19	Colorado	5-0	478
20	Georgetown	4-1	257
21	Minnesota	6-1	197
22	Illinois	7-0	185
23	San Diego State	4-1	182
24	UNLV	3-1	175
25	New Mexico	6-0	141

o lordy the hoosiers have lost!!!!

2012-11-20T08:48:00.004-08:00

AP #1 Ranked Team the Indiana Hoosiers have been shockingly knocked off by the University of Spoiled Chicken. The poultry-based college stunned the Hoosiers with a series of Globetrotter basketball rolls and experimental tricks.

Further, the hickish culture shock that usually distracts Hoosiers opponents (referred to as the "Tractor Factor") seemed to have no effect on the opposition tonight -- they have grown up "down on the farm" and apparently spoiled there too, judging by the name of the university.

Funnel the hoops into my mind.

2012-11-03T23:09:00.001-07:00

I've bought all the TV sets my living room can handle. Gotta catch all my COLLEGE HOOPS action, all at once.

Just give me the hoops, i won't ask for any christmas gifts not even one

Louisville Cardinals Team Preview, 2012-13

2012-11-03T19:19:00.002-07:00

Lousivile supposed to be great this season, achieve their dreams. Peyton Silva, co-captain and gunkie leader, leads several practice subteams and looks like the shining star this yr.

Silva has struggled through four years of severe bipolar depression. He would play sweet then suck it up for a while.

He had a span of becoming injured and ill, while losing games because of his ailments. An embarrassing loss at Providence was the worst in college history.

A song he wrote during a low-point of his suffering, “Healer”, debuted at #2 on the ARIA charts.

Last year he honored 25% of his 3 point shots. 2013 should be another year of showcasing the trick shots and basketball talent.

Coach Rick Pitino said “He is one of the best five people I have ever meet.”

These words shouldn't be taken lightly he's a legendary coach. Silva will be your beloved red cardinal, beating his wings against championship skies for the #1 team in the nation.

CFH Season Preview for 2012-13

2012-11-03T18:57:00.002-07:00

Helpful hint for the start of the basketball season: A daily meditation or relaxation practice can go a long way toward offsetting stressors. Every good day starts with a good stretch. Flexibility is all that matters.

Kentucky Center Nerlens Noel Scouting Report

2012-08-09T08:35:00.001-07:00

✓ Rabid center who chews through his own ligaments.
✓ Named to Warren's Pre-Season All-Alliteration team.
✓ Mad Hops and Mad Ancestry

Potential Grade: A
Instant Impact Grade: B+
Social Responsibility Grade: D+ (known to hunt wildlife sporadically)

BREAKING: Rudy Fernandez Injured While Flopping

2012-08-09T08:23:00.000-07:00