Yesterday, I was going along in my favorite spot when I passed an older gentleman jogging along.  There was nothing about him that looked like he was enjoying himself.   A pained expression crossed his face, his feet barely scuffled along,  and he was wearing four brace contraptions on his legs to keep him moving.  As I kept going his form kept coming across my mind.   He might have been plodding along,  but he never stopped. To quote an over used Biblical analogy,  I was struck with how much life and ministry really is  about “running the race.”

Here are my thoughts to keep going:

Pace Yourself:

Sometimes it’s really easy to start out strong.  While the first mile may hurt the most, it is also where we have the most will power.  As your lungs burn and muscles ache you slow, and want to quit.  Slow and steady to the end is better than a burst of energy and a fizzle out.

Keep Moving:

Every runner talks about hitting a “wall.”  This is the point at which you have a choice to quit or keep going.  It is usually just beyond this point when a new surge of energy hits.  The Lord will do the work, he just doesn’t want us to give up.  His greatest desire is that we are ever moving towards him and his purposes.  Even a shuffle forward builds momentum.

Running Makes You Want to Run:

When I started training I ran a 16 minute mile,  now I  can run a 12 minute mile.  It does not always “feel” like I am making progress.  Yet,  for each small accomplishment, I have wanted to put another foot forward.  Sometimes life with Christ is hard.  At the same time being with Him makes me want to go on this road farther at His side.

I can’t deny when I run God is evident there with me.  I see Him in His creation as I pass by.  I feel him as the body he created is pushed to the limit.  I know He is near and it causes me to praise him.

Aren’t our actual races in life and ministry eerily similar?

How do you run the race with Christ well?

Not long ago in a conversation with my pastor he made this “passing” comment, “We are rarely contented by the vision the Lord has given us.  We listen to the “big names” in the Christian community and try to emulate them.  If we want our numbers to grow we believe we must BE them.  Then it fails and we wonder why.  The problem is it works for those pastors because it is their calling.  It doesn’t work for us because the Lord has a different plan for us.“

I have seen a trend in ministry,  all ministry,  we so desperately want to be “more”  we stop looking for the purpose God gave US and look to others.  The issue isn’t when we take wisdom and apply it,  the issue comes when we try to emulate who they are.  We play the “numbers” or the “comparison” game,  and feel empty.  If we don’t have “enough” students or aren’t as “noticed” as someone else,  we are doing it “wrong.”   There are times when we do have to track who is in the room,  however,  how do we keep a balance?

How do we stay true to our “special purpose?”

Are you an Evangelist or a Discipler? 

An evangelist’s heart breaks when there is one more student who hasn’t heard the Gospel of Christ.  A discipler’s heart breaks when one more student hasn’t gone deeper in their walk.  Evangelists care about discipleship and visa versa.  However, the approach is vastly different.  Know who you are.

Know What Being “You” Means.

What I would say is get to know your strengths and weaknesses. THEN read the books, listen to the sermons, and study what others are saying.  Learn to “chew on the meat and spit out the bones,” as they say.  What do you need to know & adapt?  What is a good idea, perhaps even a “God idea,” but NOT God’s idea for you?

Why are We In This?

When the Lord first called us to youth ministry all we cared about were students + Jesus = transformed lives.   Our creativity, our drive,  everything was wrapped in this truth.   It’s easy to get off track and focus more on “WHAT” we are doing than “WHO”   we are doing it for.  Get back to a zeal to simply see students grabbing hold of the GOOD NEWS and living it out.

I once heard Steven Furtick say,  “It’s easy to compare our daily ministry to someone else’s success reel.”    Track numbers when you have to.  Partner with other ministries that fill in the gaps of your weakness.   Most of all simply don’t forget Christ just wants you to do what he asked of YOU, no one else.

My Hand is Out:  Fill IT!  

The Entitled Kid

“Imagine that you have lost everything.  You have no money, no food, nothing.”  I was doing an object lesson on where our identity lies. Is it in our “stuff” or in Jesus, was the question I was pursuing.   Teaching to a group from such a diverse economic background, I had no idea the reactions I would receive.   A hand went up immediately.  “That could never happen,”  Ted shot out.  “Well, we are pretending for a second, just try.”  I probed.  “I just want you to know that I have a protected trust fund and there is no way I will even be middle class, much less poor,”  Ted quipped.  It was true,  Ted had never been in want a day in his life. Actually his parents catered to his every whim.  “Could we, for the sake of argument and my illustration,  play pretend?”  I sighed.  “Well, I can attempt it, but you owe me.”  Ted responded.  “Those people would have something if they would just get a job.”

That’s when I saw another hand come from the back of the room.  This time it was Roy. I wondered if this topic hit a little too close to home.  It wasn’t difficult to figure out that this was a kid who lived without most of the time.  He was a sneaker size behind what his shoes should be.  His need is most obvious when we hit a buffet.  As a matter of fact I have to stop him from getting more food or he just makes himself sick,  every time.  I knew he wasn’t about to announce any of this,  so I truly wondered what he would say.  “Maybe some of them can’t get a job.  Maybe it’s because no one will even look at their applications.”  was Roy’s response.

This was not the direction that I wanted to take this conversation,  so I redirected them back to the point:  our identity.

After group Troy asked told me the date of the winter retreat wasn’t good for him.  He asked if I could change it.  Telling him no,  that 50 kids had already signed up,  he declared,  “You say I matter, obviously not that much.”  Roy on the other hand came up to me afterwards and asked if I had five dollars.  When I asked him what for?  He just got mad and declared,  “You say you care about me, if you did you would just give me the money and not ask questions.”

Standing there stunned I wanted to scream at both of the boys.  Why did they try to manipulate me?  I wanted to say to Ted, “Are you seriously asking me this question?”  and to Roy,  “You don’t need a  handout,  you need hope.”    Both responses lacked humility.  In both boys one common attitude emerged: entitlement.  Ted lives in such a bubble of safety that he doesn’t know how to see outside of it. Roy lives lacking of a sense of security so he has become a survivor.  He scrounges and digs for “whatever he can get.”  Either way the heart issue is, “It’s all about me.”   If I do not give them what they want then I of course become the proverbial, “bad guy.”

That’s when I had to take a look at my own heart. If I am honest in some ways I have the same attitude.   Mine is “Well I am ministering to you, so you owe it to me to follow Christ?”   I had to get remember that all of us need Jesus  the same way.

Ted was actually pretty new to our group.  Thinking about it how could I expect him to understand himself in Christ.  I didn’t know if he had ever honestly made a commitment to him.  He was acting like the world,  because he was still attached to it.  His “stuff”  was the center of his world and he had never been asked to see beyond it.   Roy on the other hand I knew was trying to follow the Lord.  I had to gently remind him  what we’re “owed”  is eternal separation from my God.  I had to show him that the Lord would indeed take care of his every need,  physical,  emotional and spiritual.  He had to learn to live in that.

The next week I decided to show my students, “The Jesus Movie,” and tell them its history.  Literally, people all over the world in the poorest countries have seen this film and learned who Christ is.   (Next time I might show the Passion of the Christ.)  I decided to start a study reminding all of us on who Jesus is, what he has done and how we “owe” him everything.

I knew I couldn’t change their hearts.  However,  I could show them the Lord.   They were going to need to see for themselves all that they have.  Seeing the world through Christ’s eyes begins with the ability to see beyond ourselves.

Both Tony and Roy need to remember the truth of  1 John 2: 15 & 16

“Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world.”

•  Give Opportunities to Serve:  inside and outside youth group. Take them to nursing homes, service days, clean the church on a Saturday.    Have fundraisers with the sole purpose to  give the money away to an organization or a missionary your church supports.  Teach them to serve, just to serve.

• Have a “Random Acts of Kindness” Race.  On a Saturday put one adult with small groups of students.  Brain storm ahead of time what you will do that day.  See how many “random acts”  you can accomplish in one day. (i.e. pay the bill of the person behind you in line for  lunch,  hand out water on a hot day,  feed meters on  a busy street,  bake cookies and drop them off at a neighbors house.)  The goal is that people cannot know it is you.  Discuss at the end of the day what it was like to serve and how this can become a lifestyle.

• Take your students on a missions trip, locally or internationally.

• Read the autobiography of a missionary together. (Some examples would be Hudson Taylor,  Mother Theresa, or Mama Maggie).

• Put students in positions of leadership with accountability. Our first step in learning to lead well, is learning to think of others first.  Give them some responsibility that requires putting themselves last.

• For the students without like “Roy,”  we may need to ask his parents if they need some help.  Get to know them and see how the church can support them while they are struggling.

I was sure the shock and disappointment crossed my face visibly as Rita shared her news.  Her eyes were were puffy and red as she shared the story of her summer romance. Five different pregnancy tests and a doctor had confirmed her pregnancy suspicions,  as we sat together just two weeks before she was to leave for college. Rita had a free ride to the school of her choice.  She was bright and future focused. One ill thought out decision would alter her life forever. I wanted to have just the, “right thing to say,” as I could see she needed someone to  tell her it was all going to “be fine.”

I wish I could say I have perfected knowing all the answers to these tough situations.  I still struggle,  do you?

How do we react?

1.  Reality check:

There are students who make life altering choices.   At least Rita came to me for help and guidance.  This choice was not the direct result of something we did or did not do. We might have preached the most awesome sermon series or mentored her 7 days a week. Yes, we need to do these things.  It is up to us individually to decide whether or not to listen and follow Christ. If this is a student that you are really close to or have been mentoring, the sense of loss for the student can be great.  We may need to even grieve our own “hopes” for our students in PRIVATE.  This is normal. HOWEVER, do not put this pressure on the “Rita,” involved.  This is about them now, not us. Remember that the Lord can and will work in their lives. The Lord is not “done” with Rita at 16.

2.  Pray:

The greatest hurt came for me when a student who I had been discipling decided to run away and never look back.  There are times when our youth get off track and unlike Rita DON’T allow us to walk it out with them.  In these cases all we have is prayer.  Keep putting them in front of the Lord.  Allow Him to never stop interceding on their behalf.

3.  Love, Love, Love:

The hardest element in this story is Rrita just needed my love.  I am not saying we ignore the issue at hand, but let’s not forget what 1 Peter 4:8 tells us, “Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sin.” Love these kids, show them that Christ loves them. They need us to be that light to them right now. Again, they need to know- Rita needs to know- Jesus has not given up on her.

4. First Responders:

If we are the “first one” she tells what is going on we can’t keep it a secret. The parents must know.  We may offer to go with the youth to tell the family, but ultimately they are the ones that need to step in and help here. It is not our job to “judge” what the parent will or won’t do well in this situation.

 5. Ask For Help:

We aren’t called to “deflect,” responsibility with our youth, however,  we don’t always have the answers. There may need to be professionals,  other church members,  or leaders we reach out to assist with situations.  They may give us advice, or come in to provide a role we can’t with the youth.

These steps help us to remember that this life belongs to Jesus. No one is a “lost cause,” here. The Lord wants to redeem those he loves. Sometimes each of us get caught in our selfishness and forget to allow him to have control. However, as we tenderly extend the hand of our Lord, three lives will be changed… forever.

How do you reach out to students in these “wrong” life choices?

While they are heading out the door of their homes, like a family member,  they don’t really want us to go anywhere.  .  They need to know we are still around as they enter this next phase of growth.

How can we help them as they head off to school?

1.  Help Them Check Ahead:

I know of one church that has a pastor on staff just to ensure graduates get off to college well.  They research churches in the area, and  Christian clubs at the school of each student.  They call ahead to ask leaders to please welcome their youth .  Bible studies  are held for Seniors teaching them how to keep their faith in the midst of new situations.  My ministry does not have the luxury of a full time staff person for this,  however, I LOVE IT!  Don’t send them away “hoping” they will plug in.  Help them with some research, and make ways to get them involved right from the get go.

2.  Become Part Of the Leaving “Process.”

Different students let go differently.  Some will be stuck to your side the entirety of the summer before they go,  while others have had a foot out the door for months. However,  find ways to actively participate in what leaving looks like for each one.  Go with their family to pick out items for their dorm room.  Take them out for dinner the week before they go and tell them why they will succeed.   Be family.

3.  Pay Attention to The First Months:

Some students settle right into the college experience.  For others everything is strange and difficult.  Fall is one of the busiest times for us in youth ministry.  It is easy to forget those that have left.  As they make new friends,  they need to hear from home, and this means us as well.  Put it on your calendar to text them once a week with an encouragement,  and a simple check in.

4.  Actively Keep In Touch:

My Mom’s best friend sent me homemade baked goods on a regular basis my first year of college with a note that read, “I’m praying for you.  I know you’re doing great!”  The State University I was attending had roughly the same number of students as the population of my small rural hometown.  I was intimidated to say the least.  To know someone was thinking of me made me feel closer to home,  and cared for.  Not to mention getting mail in my small box,  made me feel special.  Send care packages,  and handwritten notes often. Get church members involved as well.  Who has a gift for this sort of thing that would love to organize some homemade goodies heading out to those far from home?  On a weekly basis follow up on Facebook, Twitter and email.
The longer they are away,  the less we hear from them.  That’s alright and also a good thing.  This means they are assimilating into this next “grown up phase” of life.  Still,  I think it helps them when we push them out of the nest well.

How do you keep in touch with your Grads?

Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lumaxart/2137729748/

It happened for the first time about 15 years ago.  I asked some of my HS Seniors what their plans were for the following year.  Throughout the year they gave me names of colleges they were applying to, and vague ideas of what beyond High School looked like for them.  Graduation day came and went, and they did not head off for college.  They had never even applied. It happens for a variety of reasons,  however,  there comes a time when not every graduating senior “leaves the nest.”    Instead,  while friends leave,  they are left behind wondering, “What’s next?”   Perhaps, they “get a job.”   However,  both of you suspect “youth group” isn’t an option in the Fall.  Should they just show up at the “young adults” ministry?

How do we help in this life transition that may not feel so natural?

1.  Encourage Them:

Some students stay behind with a plan.  In my observance unless this includes moving out of their house,  they usually are floundering around a little.  First of all let them know they are NOT a failure.  Help them think through what they might want to give back to this world.  Have they ever thought through the reality that the Lord has a purpose and a plan with them?  They are feeling like they just “can’t get it together,” even if they aren’t acting like it.  Simply pray, love and put an arm around them.

2.  Dream With Them:

This is the time of life when you are forced to figure out “what you want to be when you grow up.”   Yet, they may not really have a clue.  Help them think through their dreams and passions.  A great place to start is the “Chazown” website HERE.  Craig Groeschel wrote a book by the same name, based on the Hebrew word for “dream, revelation or vision.”  This gives someone practical steps to walk through figuring out what the Lord’s idea for your life might be.

3.    Plan With Them

Come along side the student (and the parents if needed) and help with some next steps.  No one wants life to “happen” to them.  You know look over your shoulder in 20 years with no skill set,  and no purpose.   Do they need to take a year and perhaps work with a missions organization like  YWAM?  Youth With A Mission offers three months of training in a “DTS” (discipleship training school) followed by three months of missions, literally in locations ALL over the world.  Do they want to learn a skill or trade that needs training in somewhere other than a traditional college setting?  What are the next steps to get to their future?  What is needed?

4.  Transition Them:

Typically when someone “goes” to college you find a church and/or Christian organization where you begin your “grown up faith.”  If your church is near a school you understand this.  A student that has stayed they is wondering what to do now in every area.  Should they leave church? Help them with the process of  becoming a “young adult.”  If your church doesn’t have a special group like this,  let them know where they fit into the church.  Try growing them into a leadership role.  Just remember as they are grappling with their future the last thing they need to lose is fellowship.

The most important thing we can do for the students who don’t “go,” is to be there with them.  Often times these youth just need a little extra support  and a push for a small while.  However,  it is easy for them to simply step off the radar due to embarrassment on their part.  Tell them while they may be figuring things out for now,  they are not lost.

 As pictures of Oklahoma have crossed my screen, I realize we are just now digging out of the wake of Hurricane Sandy here in the Northeast.  Friends in  Massachusetts and Newtown, CT are still putting their lives back together.  There are times when “tragedy” doesn’t make the news.  A good friend of mine almost lost his life last week in a freak accident.  A pregnant wife at the end of our street lost her husband this past Fall to a stray bullet.  Bad things happen to good people.  Bad things happen.  We are left so often dealing through our own questions while simultaneously answering them for our students.

What Do We Say?

1.  There Are No Easy Answers

The “Why” questions come fast and furious.  It is important to let students wrestle through the “tough stuff.”  Let them know you struggle to understand as well.  However,  we live in a world with sin and evil.  There is a true adversary “seeking who he can devour.”  This isn’t “God’s fault.”   In the end we will never fully understand how this war for our souls works.  It is important that students understand this isn’t a grand punishment.  There are times when all we can do is listen to the hurt.  We must allow them to grieve and express their anger.  It isn’t helpful to tell them “not to feel something.”  What is vital is we don’t allow them to stay in this place.

2.  There Is Still Hope

In the midst of Sandy a good friend of mine reminded me,  “God is still good,  it’s circumstances that are bad.”   It is hard to imagine that  God  would “allow” tragedy to happen.  Our focus needs to be on the truth that He still loves us.  He is fighting for us.  It is a reminder that this broken world is not our “true home.”   Christ tells us while we are here there will always be hurt, trials, and sin.   Jesus is the answer in the midst of all that goes wrong.  It doesn’t mean we stop grieving.  However,  we must remember there is still hope even in the worst situations.  We must remind students He never leaves us or abandons us, even in the middle of the “bad.”

3. It’s Alright To Cry & Ask for Help

Comfort, prayer, and support are great ways to show the love of Christ in terrible situations.  When you are stunned in the midst of a tragedy you tend to think you “must be strong,”   or fall apart completely.   Let them talk it out.  Let them know strong emotion in the midst of this is normal. Hold them, and show them love.

I am not going to claim to understand  tornadoes, hurricanes,  bombs and gunmen. All  I know is when we made the choice to disobey the Lord in the garden and know the difference between good and evil, innocence was lost.  Christ came to redeem our souls,  but that doesn’t negate all sin in the world.  What I do know in the midst of the questions He remains Lord of all whose love is unfailing.   He is the one we have to look to for hope.  This is who I offer students.  Sometimes there are no words at all.   That’s alright too.

“Movie Poster Freaky Friday”

Remember the movie, “Freaky Friday?”  It’s the one where Mom and daughter mysteriously switch bodies for a day.   They walk a mile in the other shoes to understand “what it’s like,”  to be the other.  In the “real world” though this swapping of roles is not helpful.  It isn’t about catching a perspective, instead it seems as if the student is acquiring the responsibility necessary to run a household. Whether I am in urban, suburban or rural settings I meet more and more kids who are put in a position where they  seem to be parenting themselves.

My daughter once had a friend she was “jealous” of.   The friend had no boundaries, she could pretty much go and “do” whatever she pleased.  To my daughter this seemed like a joy.  However,  one time in sitting down with the young woman I also found she made sure she got herself to school, ate dinner,  and had her basic needs met.  It seemed as if her parents were ghosts and she was raising herself.  They were there,  but consumed with their own lives to a point, where they were barely parenting.  I wanted to march over and tell the parents they needed to start guiding this young woman.  For what this Freaky Friday scenario was creating was an emotionally lost little girl. Chances are if you haven’t encountered a “Freaky Friday,”  type of parent/child switch, you will soon.

What do we do in these types of situations?

1.  Get to Know the Parent.

Come up with a way that you can have an interaction with your parents on a weekly basis.  The goal is to move beyond introductions to be able to speak to them about deeper things. One friend does a great job of this.  He is in a church environment where parents come to pick up their kids.  He makes sure each parent gets a “touch” every week.  He and his team spread out and meet the cars as parents come.  Sometimes they just bring the parents a small gift (cup of coffee) and say, “Thanks for letting your child come here.”   Our youth are picked up.  So we have to be more intentional.  We call parents and check in on them. Be creative.

2.  Get the WHOLE story.

Remember what we hear from students is just one side.  There is another piece and probably many layers as well.  I have found as I hear a story, I set aside judgement until I hear it all.  Since you have been building a relationship with the parent you now can start asking some questions.  Be careful,  you have been building trust with the teen and you don’t want to barrel in and say,  “Hey so your kid said you go out partying every night,  tell me what’s up with that?”  Also,  whatever the teen is feeling is very real to them.  Our perception of reality,  is our reality.  Sensitively,  approach the parent,  “How are you?”  As you get to know them,  that question will give you more and more information.

3.  Get everyone communicating.

Sometimes I send my students home with “homework.”  I ask them spend 30 minutes in the next week with their parents just being with them.  The greatest frustration in my group is that they feel like they are not heard at home.  THe first time I asked them to do this you would have thought that I had asked them to save the Titanic. One young man came to me later,  “I watched a whole movie with my Dad, he wanted to know what I wanted.”  Kids and parents often give up communicating with each other.   Teach your students how to tell their parents how they are feeling.  Encourage them to share.  If they can’t do it face to face,  have them send a text or email. Then tell them to follow up with, “Did you get my message?” If you talk to the parents suggest they make a move by sending their child a Facebook message.  THEN- sit down and talk to them face to face.  Many times parents shut down and back down because they have no idea how their actions are really affecting their child.  The best person to hear it from is the child.

At midnight on Friday when all is right with the world the “switch” back won’t happen. There is no movie magic in the “real world.”  It’s a process.   However,  as we keep treating the parent like the parent,  it can make first strides towards change.  Sometimes,  it is the very piece that brings a parent into a vibrant relationship with their Savior.

The running joke around our house is the irony in which the Lord would call a rural girl and a suburban boy into urban ministry. As we got to know the families we ministered to,  we could see the hurt that dwelt on the streets at arms length.  A friend gave us a copy of “Beyond Charity: The Call To Christian Community,” by John Perkins and the next thing we knew,  we felt as if coming IN to the neighborhoods wasn’t enough.   We  needed to be a neighbor,  literally.  Choosing to move IN to the hood was easy back then, it made sense.   That was almost a decade ago.

Recently,  I have been meeting more and more who have been reading the book,  “Toxic Charity,” by Robert Lupton.   About a month ago at a youth pastor’s retreat a bright eyed young man talked about how he had read the book and couldn’t wait to move into the city.  Many thoughts tumbled through my mind,  realities that no one told me before we took our family in. There are the number of shocked stares we get when we meet a new person and tell them what street we live on.   Many won’t visit our home because of where it is located.  The hushed questions we get often,  “Aren’t you afraid your family isn’t safe?”   A mentor told me,  “If you choose this way of living, less and less people will understand you.”   Even some of the students in my youth group will ask,  “Why do you live there?”

The wonderful piece about living here is that so many stereotypes are dispelled immediately.  Most of the families are single Moms,  just trying to take care of their kids.  There is nothing like the sense of community as front steps fill with people when the weather warms up. My neighbors tell me when someone seedy has been skulking around my door.  Putting names to faces,  causes you to stop labeling an area based on its “issues.”

I would be remiss however,  if I wasn’t honest about the sacrifices you make by choosing this lifestyle.  On our block we are the only “white” family in a mixed Latino and African American Community.  What this means is a natural skepticism from those around us as to “why” we are here.  The reality is stereotypes flip the other way,  and there can be misconceptions about who we are.  I remember a neighborhood boy coming inside once and declaring,  “I thought your stuff would be nicer.”    Your children don’t get to just run and place with a sense of safe freedom that comes from living elsewhere.  As they reach their teen years they are wondering why we still won’t leave them home for long periods of time.   Violence is here,  and I have never gotten used to certain sounds that can linger in the distance.  The truth is a sense of having “given up on life,” can hang in the air.

There is a misconception that moving into the “hood” makes you “hood.”  A friend said to me once,  “Your problem is you live in the inner city,  but still look like a Soccer Mom.”  What can I say,  all I did was bring who God made me into a different location.  All I had to offer was the Good News.

Here’s the thing,  it never does get “easy.”  Many days I want to move (more than I would like to admit). I honestly wish it made more sense to others why Jesus would ask this of us.  Still, I am reminded,  “why” we moved almost daily.  One of my student’s moved in next door.  To be able to ride the bus with her home from program and an ease in getting to know her whole family is invaluable.  The look on faces of those who DO live her when I tell them which house is mine is priceless

Not long ago my neighbor who lives behind me asked,  “Didn’t you know where you were moving?  Why would you come here,  I am trying to get out.”   It hit me as I smiled,  “If I never lived here,  there is no way we would have gotten to know each other.”

Didn’t Jesus ask us to GO?  It makes sense to me.