Collin Jones' Writing

The Old Woman - A short story by Collin Jones (advice is appreciated)

2012-01-26T09:33:00.001-05:00

The smell of fresh cut grass permeated the old Victorian farmhouse. The kitchen especially, with it's open windows, hardwood floors, and the screen door to the mud room. It was a mundane room, but a cozy room, one most noted for the scent of fresh bread being baked during the winter. But alas, it was mid-summer and the only odor was of the freshly mowed lawn. The owner of the house, an old woman, perhaps an octogenarian, sat in front of the window for hours listening to the birds chirp and the wind blow through the leaves of the old oak trees surrounding her property. Once in a while she would comment on the state of the house or the neighborhood, muttering almost silently to herself.

She was known once in the community for being a sprightly young dancer but had given up such things for a simple life at home. She married her since deceased husband, raised three boys, all who moved out years ago and had resolved to sit in her kitchen she loved so much until they came home. Summers and winters would pass with no sign of her boys, but her steely resolve never wandered. She would wait.

That's what she did, for twenty years she sat, the only company being her nurse who would come around once a day to give her medication and make sure she was still alive. The nurse, Jacqueline was her name, would indulge the woman in conversation most days, but it was too superficial. Jacqueline would comment on the weather and maybe tell the woman about happenings in the middle east or the west coast depending on the state of the world at the time. The old woman looked forward to the visits, but it was nothing compared the the joy she would feel when her sons returned to take her away from the house that had become a crypt for her disintegrating body.

The woman yearned for her youth, for the years she spent dancing for princes and dignitaries. She was a performer at heart and she never really forgave herself for giving it up to raise a family. Most likely, the woman wouldn't have done it any other way, she loved her sons more than she loved life. She toyed with the notion of ending her life, perhaps what came next would be preferable to the pain she was enduring now, but she couldn't bring herself to find out. She had plenty of pills, plenty of knives, plenty of electronics to drop in the tub when the nurse wasn't looking... but she couldn't conquer the fear of the unknown long enough to change her current state.

On this current afternoon, however, with the nurse having left for the day to tend to her many other patients, the old woman was toying with the notion once again. Her heart would skip a beat thinking about how much her children would miss her when she was gone. How upset they would be to think that they had neglected their mother and she died thinking that they didn't love her. Of course, she knew they loved her, they were just busy with their lives and their children that she had never met. She knew, but they would never know. So instead of staring at the sloping lawns of her humble property, today she decided she would spite her children by using the only method to kill the pain of being at rock bottom.

She slowly stood up, arthritis was wreaking havoc on her joints so it took her a minute, but she was eventually standing. The old woman then shuffled to her living room where the nurse left her medication. She reached for her pills, knowing that these breaths were among the last she would take on this earth. The woman had become accustomed to taking pills and swallowed them without needing any water at all. They went down and she laid down on the oriental rug to wait for the pills to take effect.

She closed her eyes and immediately saw an ethereal vision. One of magnificent proportions with vivid colors she hadn't seen with her eyes open since her eyes were young and she had the vitality of a woman in her twenties. She watched as she soared free through a surreal expanse of people and places she had seen long before she became an old woman. She regretted spending so long sitting in her chair, so much time wasted longing for her boys. She regretted not seeing more of the world in her old age while she had less responsibilities and more time. She should have caught up with all of her living friends and family. She should have put forth the effort.

Suddenly her vision ended. The old woman was ripped back into reality by a suffocating feeling. Her body was paralyzed as she opened her eyes and for a moment realized she was choking on the contents of her stomach.

There was so much regret. She needed this to stop so she could go see her boys. She wanted to see the grand canyon. She wasn't ready to go. She wants to see her grandchildren but all she could see was the ceiling. All she could feel was the stifling thickness of lungs full of vomit. She twitched for several seconds, eventually breaking her resolve and letting a single tear fall from her right eye. Her body gave a final shudder.

And then there was emptiness.

I Want A Cliche

2012-01-12T09:16:00.000-05:00

What if it's you?
The one I've been looking for
The one that I had adored
The one that I knew before
You

What have we become?
The things we said we'd never do
The things I've done to you
The things we've lost all the way
Through

Where did you go?
I lost you so far along the way
I lost you to the things you'd say
I lost you to the words you wrote
To me

Now we long for each other
Drinking for the sufferer
Never letting go of the things we should have done
And forgetting all the good we've done
Just living for the past.

Random Unfiltered Thoughts

2012-01-11T00:56:00.000-05:00

I shall take a break from my normal sub-par anti-poetry.
I shall now write a brief summary of my thoughts.
Here goes:

a journey of the imagination is what is lying under my eyelids. i can drop a small amount of liquid on my tongue and be another person inside another world for hours upon hours. i need this to get out of where i am. i need a new look a new place a new speak for those who spake out against the crimson wave of establishment. i have thoughts too deep to turn in to words. i need to create words to express the feelings that are lying under the surface of this man. i have feelings coursing through my nervous system from the top of my head to the tip of my cock. i have feelings. i have hate. i have love. i have despair and poetry. i have nothing left but despair and poetry to fill the voids left from the lack of drugs. i yearn for the drugs that opened up my mind years ago. the drugs have been taken away. i need words. i need drugs. i need necessity. i need a wanton desire for lust to break the wall of love. i am confused by my own mind. where is my mind? where is my brain? two and the same until the split between the frame. love. hate. debate. shame.

Serotonin/Dopamine Pendulum

2012-01-08T04:47:00.000-05:00

I need a place to lay my head at night
I need to escape this awful daily dread
The necessary evil that I fight with
Every day should have killed me years ago
But I persevere and drink daily
Drop the needles and pick up the bottles
Drop the powder and pick up the smoke
I feel a yearning to be free from it
But a connection deeper than karma
A connection through the years
Caressing my body and querying my fears
Lines of ancestral blood coursing through
I have all I want, but I still want you
To kiss my hands and fondle my heart
To slit my wrists and to feel smart
The pain is secondary to the happiness
The serotonin-dopamine receptor
Necessary to quell the urges inside
While my brain tries to run and hide
I just need a place to rest
Lay my head down
And let this pass.

Woman.

2012-01-06T02:05:00.000-05:00

Never seen
in plain sight
But once again
never had the delight
Of meeting a woman
so cute and bold
One that makes me feel young,
And at the same time old.

Heroin v2.0

2012-01-06T02:03:00.000-05:00

The neverending yearning for desire
was lit like an eternal fire
Dripping wax congeals on the floor
Next to my needle and my whore.

I cradle my arm
The blood dripping down
Pooling in my hand.

Cigarette smoke lingers on high
Intertwining with the night sky
The dusky haze that confuses
Day and night rarely loses

But when they do
We all know who's next
The dark figure silently waiting.

This grips me tighter than a vice
The one that kills men and mice
Maybe Steinbeck will be proud
But now I'm left crying loud.

2011-11-18T07:09:00.000-05:00

Well... online tests are always fun.
Who'da thunk it?

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	High
Dysthymia:	Slight-Moderate
Bipolar Disorder:	Very High
Cyclothymia:	Slight-Moderate
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	High-Moderate
Postpartum Depression:	N/A

Changes

2011-10-29T17:58:00.001-04:00

Feelings change
The once platonic
Sometimes becomes
Romantic
I'm sure no one will read this.
But I need to tell her...
I love her.

Hobbit

2011-10-07T21:01:00.000-04:00

Like a kid sister
I feel protective
You should feel love
And not taken advantage of
You might read this one day
You might see my point of view
You might look back
And realize the words I spoke to you
Are only true
No lies, no deception
I pick my words carefully
I measure them
I would never take advantage
For some reason I want the best
For you. I feel like you want me to
To look after you
But not tell you what to do.
And even if you don't
I care about you
I told you to duck from a bullet
You argued with the truth
I speak from my heart
When I speak to you
I need you to
Listen up and take a lesson
From someone who's been
In that position
You might think all is well
And everything might be swell
But good turns bad
And beautiful turns ugly
I want you to have the best
And the best only
So listen to me
When I beg you to leave
Not for my own agenda
I just need you to surrender
Give up and leave him alone
He's bad for you
And in me you always have a home.
Once again I don't love you like that
I don't want a crack at the crack
Or even a pat on the back
I care about you the way a brother would
Which is surprising
Given the current situation
But you may not listen to what you should
Do in your life, you're stubborn as an ox
But you're clever as a fox
And I think you know
Deep down inside
What you got to do

Primal Scream

2011-10-07T20:54:00.000-04:00

You promised.
What the fuck?
You dirty bitch
You stupid cunt.
I thought we were
Supposed to grow old
To die side by side
A long long ride
Full of happiness
Full of trust
And forgiveness.
You piss me off,
More than words can express
You get me off
But each day, less and less
I don't even care
I could give two shits
What you think
About me smoking
Or the way I drink.
Fuck you
Burn in hell bitch
I hope you die
And rot in a drainage ditch.

Soliloquy

2011-10-05T16:14:00.000-04:00

Where am I?
Am I at peace?
I could never be at peace
With the turmoil that runs
Rampant through my mind,
My soul, and my heart.
If one more thing turns out
The wrong way
I might just fall apart.
But don't worry about me
Not that anyone would
The dark times have passed
As they always do.
And dawn is breaking
As I look out my window
I'm taking it in
And the beauty calms
My quivering heart.

I'm Back!

2011-10-05T16:10:00.001-04:00

I just realized that there's about 10 people a day that visit this blog... and 10 is better than 0... so I'm going to start posting again.

I'm excited about it... anyone else?

Done For Now

2011-08-24T23:20:00.002-04:00

I can't write anymore because I am unable to think of words strong enough to express the feelings I have for you.

Love isn't a strong enough word to describe how I feel.

Eternity

2011-08-11T00:47:00.000-04:00

My hopes and dreams
have come true once again
And now I'm happier
Than I have ever been

I found my angel
The one I've always adored
The one who was thrown
To the side and ignored

She brings a smile
To my weathered face
And I'm happy that she
Has given into love's chase

I'd like to be forgiven
For every time I've denied her name
Each moment that I thought of another
I only brought myself more shame

Now I've faced the truth
I know that I'll be happy with life
No more fighting, no more pain
Only happiness and joy with my future wife.

White Lilies

2011-07-16T09:19:00.000-04:00

White lilies
I remember everything
Your scent
You were my everything
If only you knew
What had become
Of me and you
Dark chocolate
And cigarette kisses
AFI and painting
Pictures in the park
Shows after dark
Sneaking around
And now I'm left
Nothing to do but yearn
Nothing to do but learn
From my mistakes and try
To figure out what
I did wrong and why
You rarely even talk
When we talk it's nothing
What happened to
The old times when
It was just lilies
And dark chocolate
With cigarette kisses

God

2011-07-08T16:57:00.000-04:00

I remember when we were young
Children, playing in the sun.

A woman told us to have faith
That was enough to keep us saved.

And as we all got older
Our hearts became colder.

I don't know how a God could let
Any of this happen, all my regret.

I can't see you, you don't exist
Why would you let a friend cut their wrist?

Does no one else see the sick joke?
Does anyone else want to smoke?
Does anyone else want to drink?

Does anyone else want to be free enough to have a brain and think?

Better Man

2011-06-15T05:37:00.000-04:00

If I was a better man
I wouldn't feel fear
If I was a better man
I wouldn't feel sad
If I was a better man
I wouldn't feel meek
If I was a better man
I wouldn't feel like crying

If I was a better man
I would feel anger
If I was a better man
I would feel strength
If I was a better man
I would feel like one
If I was a better man
I wouldn't feel like crying

After All We've Been Through

2011-06-14T11:32:00.002-04:00

How can you think I don't love you
After all we've been through?
How can you think I sleep at night
After all we've been through?
How can you think I live in peace
After all we've been through?

There's something to be said
For lives intertwined and lost.
There's something to be said
For times full of empathy and reason.
There's something to be said
For episodes of sub-psychotic rage.

And now I'm lonelier than ever
Just sitting around writing in remorse.
And now I'm only go through the motions
Just sitting around writing in remorse.
And now I'm broken and I'll never be whole
Just sitting around writing in remorse.

Night

2011-06-14T10:22:00.000-04:00

Black clouds
On the grey sky
Street lights
Burned out
Trees dying
Waste of light
Waste of life
Electricity
Catharsis
In the minds eye
It thwarts us

Truth

2011-06-14T09:56:00.000-04:00

New relationships breed hate
Tying nooses to love another
Loading guns to kiss another
Buying drugs to fuck another

Old relationships breed lies
Everything is alright
Everything is normal
Everything is great

Fulfillment

2011-06-14T09:28:00.000-04:00

drink
        smoke
                  fuck <--> HEDONIST
        smoke
drink

Somotalita

2011-06-14T09:22:00.001-04:00

i might be losing it

         i hate the clown inside

if i snap tomorrow

                i want it documented

that i tried

     i tried too hard

          and then gave up

to live another life

I doubt it.

2011-06-11T10:49:00.000-04:00

"He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger"
-Brad Paisley

I've found myself lost in despair
Forlorn, forgotten, and forgone
Maybe one day the chains will break
And I will be set free
But I doubt it

Someday the prison walls will fall
Crumble around us prisoners of love
Make us drop to the ground
And praise the Good Lord
But I doubt it

Sometime in the future this ship
Will find dry land and go to port
I'll be on dry ground for once
My hopes will be fulfilled
But I doubt it

Haphazard

2011-06-11T10:02:00.002-04:00

I need to stop writing
I no longer write out of love
My muse is not happiness,
But anger taking over
Rearing it's ugly head
And I am all but dead

I can barely put together
A stanza or two
Without thinking of hate
Or reliving old fear
I've done so much to regret
I am forever in your debt

Now the cigarette smoke curls
And I hear the tones of music
It used to make me happy
But no longer can I forget
The things I've said and done
And the women that are gone

Shit.

2011-06-08T08:31:00.000-04:00

Simmering in thoughts
Of long forgotten dreams
New aspirations give way
To long tedious reams
Paper and ink cast over the sink
And drippings of coffee
Splattered carelessly

Maybe a muse or perhaps not
I can't stop...

...FUCK.

I'm not in the mood to write.

Fuck it.