http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs Colonel's Radio show. Weekly uk comedy podcast and radioshow from The Colonel Mon, 14 May 2012 12:55:10 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.1.2 2006-2007 info@colonelradioshow.co.uk (Colonel's Radioshow - weekly comedy podcast from Colonel Crabtree-Smythe) info@colonelradioshow.co.uk (Colonel's Radioshow - weekly comedy podcast from Colonel Crabtree-Smythe) posts 1440 Comedy tales and funny tall stories from the ancient Colonel Comedy tales and funny tall stories from the ancient Colonel Colonel's Radioshow - weekly comedy podcast from Colonel Crabtree-Smythe Colonel's Radioshow - weekly comedy podcast from Colonel Crabtree-Smythe info@colonelradioshow.co.uk No no http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/wp-content/plugins/podpress/images/powered_by_podpress.jpg http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs 144 144 2006-2007Society & CultureColonelsRadioshowhttp://feedburner.google.com http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ColonelsRadioshow/~3/CuItpdY4fLc/ http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/suck-it-and-see/2012/05/#comments Sun, 13 May 2012 10:06:38 +0000 Colonel Crabtree-Smythe http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/?p=1721 Life with all its ups and downs its trials and tribulations. Any myriad of clichés you wish to drag out the ether, but life is...<br/><a href="http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/suck-it-and-see/2012/05/">Read the rest...</a><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/ColonelsRadioshow/~4/CuItpdY4fLc" height="1" width="1"/> http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/suck-it-and-see/2012/05/feed/ 0 35:36 Life with all its ups and downs its trials and tribulations. Any myriad of clicheacute;s you wish to drag out the ether, but life is ... Life with all its ups and downs its trials and tribulations. Any myriad of clicheacute;s you wish to drag out the ether, but life is more than a game of soldiers my good souls its a game of lead soldiers, hidden dangers. People get hurt,people bleed, people die every day, people lie and cheat,while children suck on the lead and pass in the night and poor old Mary Anne Cotton the infamous Black Widow Killer gets the rope in Durham Prison. Not the most profound of statements perhaps but really the futility of it all is grinding me down to a paste! I feel as though nothing in this world is the same for any of us ! We all see things differently, we receive things differently , hear things differently, speak, paint, fuck, eat , learn, act,drink,snort, in a word we are all different ! I say learn to let go of the things that you feel define you. Point is I wish to make mention of the fateful afternoon when John Bishop turned up at our ChitaChat studios brandishing a sawn of shotgun a pair of Speedos and a writ from the Old Bailey, it reminded me of a scene from Straw Dogs if only in spirit rather than a precise facsimile! I think John was livid at the way Sage had dealt with the tragic Hillsbough disaster remembrance day not so long ago. Sage had refused to wear a poppy in remembrance of the dead! He came up with some crack pot excuse that, "poppy's are worn to remember those lost in conflict!". I told him "If it makes Bishop happy then just go along!" I know Bishop is a little backward but I felt after his excursions rowing across the English Channel he was justified in being a little tetchy and truculent ! Sage as normal unable to read the situation started to handout Lindwalls sardine sandwiches, on that day of all days to offer a scouser sardines and then to make it worse by asking if Bishop was a fan tight spaces. Sages little joke didn't go down too well in scouse circles! I say all this shows Sages lack of sensitivity yet again and I have to say it was beyond the fringe of normality ! Bishop started to get very animated and he stripped down to his speedos in a show of what I can only describe as a show of his northern masculinity! I felt he was still intent on making some sort of play, of what I was not sure,however i was not wrong. It was then he started to shout about Kenny Dalglish,"being the greatest Scotsman who ever had lived!" I replied in utter seriousness, "nonsense its Andy Stewart the Elvis Presley impersonator who is the greatest Scotsman ever to have lived, and that "Donald Wheres Your Troosers" was one of the greatest songs ever written far better that "Ferry across the Mersey" , no argument Bishop!" Sage then sang "Bishop wheres your troosers?"in a Scottish accent. That was when the shot gun went off and Lindwall took one in the leg! B ishop had certainly shown his strength but to be honest he had more than shown his hand and it was a that point Ronnie Kray joined the party and grabbed him from behind, a position I am certain Ron was no stranger to. Ronnie locked in a rear naked choke and began to squeeze on the neck. I saw Bishop go red, then blue, then he went limp. Ron dropped him with disdain and disgust like he was Jon-Bones-Jones and Bishop was The Dragon Lyoto Machida. Ronnie then left the room stating that he had warned Bishop,"I told him not to mess about or I would have to go to work on him,coming in here with all his scouse airs and graces!" Thirty seconds or so passed and Ronnie returned with a hacksaw and a refuse sac he bent down and was just about to saw Bishops foot off when i cried in panic "RON, NO, HE`S NOT DEAD, and he is starting to come round !" "Well isn't he a lucky scouse so and so!" Ron replied, he then proceeded to drag Bishop towards Lindwalls cupboard by the foot and stuff him in. "It's a tight fit but scousers love to squeeze up tight!" said Ron with a sinister smile as he pushed the door shut with his bottom. "He w... Memoirs,,Series,14 info@colonelradioshow.co.uk no No http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/suck-it-and-see/2012/05/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ColonelsRadioshow/~3/CsamPbhAAdU/ http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/148-the-twenty-seven-club-lightweights-only/2012/04/#comments Sun, 29 Apr 2012 17:25:24 +0000 Colonel Crabtree-Smythe http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/?p=1709 I can no longer contain myself with regard to these featherweight hell raisers. Im told daily that sex,drugs, and rocknroll is where it&#8217;s at! And...<br/><a href="http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/148-the-twenty-seven-club-lightweights-only/2012/04/">Read the rest...</a><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/ColonelsRadioshow/~4/CsamPbhAAdU" height="1" width="1"/> http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/148-the-twenty-seven-club-lightweights-only/2012/04/feed/ 0 33:33 I can no longer contain myself with regard to these featherweight hell raisers. Im told daily that sex,drugs, and rocknroll is where it's at! And ... I can no longer contain myself with regard to these featherweight hell raisers. Im told daily that sex,drugs, and rocknroll is where it's at! And with that I have no argument...! However the point must be made that I knew proper head cases, real piss artists, and lunatics! Allow me to name drop but two, my good friend Jefferey Bernard and the famous U.S. Kraut who once pissed on me while pissed, Charles Bukowski. Two nuts who spent there whole life trying to kill themselves through the demon alcohol but in the end both died of olde age,livers like old dockers boots I say. These two heavyweight boozers killers of the pretend and the average. Listen I do not wish to romanticise alcoholism with its urine covered floors, vomit stained suits, its atrophied muscles,destroyed relationships, broken bones, hearts,and lost lives, but one reality aside however, I do wish to highlight the fact that the twenty seven club is a club for lightweights thats all . I am perfectly aware of the cancerous damage the drink can cause having lost many friends to it over the years. But slap on The Pogues' "Streams Of Whiskey" on the jukebox, do a paddy inspired jig, grab a Rubenesq lass by the hand and celebrate life to the fullest. And if your bank manager disapproves flash him your manhood and tell him where to stick it! I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being a lightweight and doing things at your own pace, for that is the way to do it. Do not copy or try to be like, for that will lead you up a dark cul de sac where the grim reaper will grab you by the balls and swing you around like you were the ball on a swing ball game! Learn how to play in the playground of insanity and chaos. If you were a boxer you would not jump straight in the ring with the champ, no, you would fight a few bums first learn how to do it, learn the landscape,make mental notes of how to navigate your way around such an experience! That goes for hell raising too. Dont try to compete with the dons of the game, learn the sport, build yourself up. Learn the language of whatever drug it is you choose to use ! Find out what works for you. Are you a booze man? Maybe its psychedelics, uppers, downers, roundabouters! Take it slow build yourself up and maybe one day you could compete with the likes of Oliver Read or Brian Clough. My point is that one place you don't want to end up is dead on the floor of the lavatory of the twenty seven club.... I remember a time when I was out drinking with W.Churchill. This was before he had returned as the Lord Of The Admiralty but we were both aware of the gathering storm Heir Hitler had in store for us. We had started early in the parliament bar in Westminster. I was taking it easy on the Dubonnet Wine as I was a young man and knew that I could not compete with dear Winston drink for drink at the time. He was on his favorite tipple "Johnnie Walker Red Label" he`d already smashed back half a bottle of the stuff and to be honest it hadn't really touched the sides! Yes I was a lightweight at the time drinking my sweet, wine-based aperitif and Winston knew it, but being the boozer he was he knew that to push me any harder would mean for him loosing a drinking partner early in the evening and Winston did not believe in leaving men on the battle field! So he allowed me to drink at my pace and he drank at his. But I got cocky and arrogant, youthful ego had set in and I started ordering gin and tonics. I had drank a hand full of the fuckers. I`d mixed my drinks and thought I was doing alright like a novice dancing around the ring throwing out pawing jabs just to keep the distance,thinking I was in the fight until my opponent slipped left jumped to the right and dropped me with a body shot that for me to think that I could recover from was mere fantasy! Truth is within the next hour I had thrown up my fish supper all over the very expensive curtains of the bar. I remember Winston shouting at the barman. "My good Memoirs,,Series,14 info@colonelradioshow.co.uk no No http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/148-the-twenty-seven-club-lightweights-only/2012/04/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ColonelsRadioshow/~3/szKPHmor1AI/ http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/turner-prize/2012/04/#comments Tue, 17 Apr 2012 14:35:17 +0000 Colonel Crabtree-Smythe http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/?p=1701 More trouble, and it is me who seems to taking most of the flack, most of the weight as it were and really I feel...<br/><a href="http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/turner-prize/2012/04/">Read the rest...</a><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/ColonelsRadioshow/~4/szKPHmor1AI" height="1" width="1"/> http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/turner-prize/2012/04/feed/ 0 33:43 More trouble, and it is me who seems to taking most of the flack, most of the weight as it were and really I feel ... More trouble, and it is me who seems to taking most of the flack, most of the weight as it were and really I feel I get a raw deal especially when it come to Sage and his belief system ! The man is a cretin, an ignoramus, utterly unable to grasp the simple fact that I do not care, not a jot what people think of me. I don't play games of the heart nor am I an emotional blackmailer. I say what needs to be said and if that is to the detriment of the listener or the reader then tough titty I say! Now I'm not one for talking out of turn but i finally have to spill the beans regarding Sages obsession with the Dalston vapor rooms. Where he has a penchant for a young Turkish masseuse called Eralkan . Now Eralkan is a master of the anal scrape and they call him "the scraper" in the Turkish mens club where coffee is drunk and hashish is smoked to the nines! In other words Sage enjoys a good sack and butt crack wax and has become infatuated with the young buck Turk Eralkan... I've seen Sage hop on the number 73 bus and head down to Dalston clutching his man bag like a Soho tart, face flushed out of anticipation of his latest steam room experience! Our man Sage is a complex fellow he is like a method actor, an arse licker would be a better way of putting it for he is able to shape shift and be just the man he needs to be in any given situation! A social cameleon and climber, gregarious, cordial, in a word, a cunt! He doesn't know what he thinks, if he is with a Jewish chap it's all "Oh isn't Jackie Mason a great comic!" and on the other hand if he's with a Muslim it's all "Malcolm X this and Malcolm X that!" And while he is having his arse scrapped all he goes on about is Galatasaray football club, unaware as is the norm with Sage that Eralkan supports Fenerbahce F.C.... So even "the Scraper" thinks Sage is an buffoon.. Open the sewage pipe ladies and gentleman I think I'm going to vomit ! Constantly and continuously Sage amazes me, his total lack of self awareness makes him the antithesis of a man like Freud, he waddles around the studio in his hot pants like it was summer time in Honolulu, he minces around the coffee shops and pubs of Islington like he was Lord Cloudesley himself and I for one am done trying to show him the way, my way and the error of his ! I don't mean to pick on Macorkadale, well actually that's a bare faced lie... I love it, is has become my passion, my raison d'etre for getting out of bed in the morning! In fact dare I admit, I need Sage other wise I think I may well hang myself. He has given me purpose a reason for even bothering to wake up... he amuses me so with his little ways and his silly opinions! I suppose what I have stumbled on is a somewhat backhanded compliment of the man Sage Macorkadale ... The fucker is alright.... So yes at the end of it all, when all is said and done, Sage is OK and maybe I do care, just a little bit , but don't tell him that it would ruin everything ! Series,14 info@colonelradioshow.co.uk no No http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/turner-prize/2012/04/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ColonelsRadioshow/~3/D8bhDQXI_Xk/ http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/meat-hooks/2012/03/#comments Sat, 31 Mar 2012 17:08:09 +0000 Colonel Crabtree-Smythe http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/?p=1690 Spring is here ladies and gentleman and i have perhaps reached the end of my tether , a tether that is frayed and worn like...<br/><a href="http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/meat-hooks/2012/03/">Read the rest...</a><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/ColonelsRadioshow/~4/D8bhDQXI_Xk" height="1" width="1"/> http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/meat-hooks/2012/03/feed/ 0 35:26 Spring is here ladies and gentleman and i have perhaps reached the end of my tether , a tether that is frayed and worn like ... Spring is here ladies and gentleman and i have perhaps reached the end of my tether , a tether that is frayed and worn like my old summer hat! What to do? The point about all this is Sage blames the Muslimists for all our home front problems and i for one am sick of the hypocrisy, its is vomit inducing for me to think that people can be so blinkered single minded and dumb! I for one will never and can never forgive the Americans for what they did to me on duel occasions ! I had taken a trip to the United States not so long ago while wearing a smock and British Army regalia to boot! I after much confusion and whimsy headed to an air base in New Mexico ... From there i flew to Cuba and from there on in I was driven to Guantanamo bay by and chap called Almandeto Juan-Carlos! Now Almandeto had body odor a- b.o- that i believe could have stripped gloss paint off any skirting board- In-fact he smelled so bad it seemed to me that the smell that permeated from his under carriage was definitely a fine contraceptive- of that i was in no doubt ... I took notes and continued to breath through my mouth! I was in Cuba to visit my then incarcerated house boy Abdul, he who had been arrested for purchasing newsagent fireworks on one November the 5th not so long ago... He had been gagged skaged and tea-bagged and before he knew it he was on a plane heading for Cuba! I had not noticed he was gone not until i realised we had no fireworks for our Guy Fawlks celebrations later that night! Investigations were made and Abdul's tracks were followed and i found my self also in Cuba looking for the silly mushroom eating cretin! Now i had gone through all the proper channels and Mi6 had given me clearance also i had a license to kill in my top left pocket ! Which my good people i was willing to use at any fucking moment ! I was checking in at the main gates of the infamous Prisoner of war camp/concentration camp where upon i came across a mean looking son of a minor, some Don Frye, Dan Severn,looking bastard called Butch Reynolds! Muscled to the nines and probably filled with steroids ! Id seen men like this at leather clad fisting parties in Soho London- So i knew there type and when i told him so he didn't take to kindly to the accusation ! It was then that the shouting started " I DID NOT CALL YOU A FAGGOT-YOU CAD, YOU BRUTE - I MERELY STATED THAT YOU LOOK LIKE ONE ! - NOW LET ME PASS- I WISH TO SEE ABDUL- HE IS AN INNOCENT MAN - and has chores back home to attend to !" That's when Butch Reynolds lost the proverbial ... he tensed his muscles and grabbed me by the collar ...He slid his hands behind my neck and locked on putting me in his vicious Thai clinch- he then brought up a swift knee to my forehead that brought me to mine... Thats when things took a turn for the worse. I was dragged by my balding hair into the staff shower room ... I would have screamed but in Guantanamo bay no body hears you scream.... Thats when Butch decided to give me a taste of his own brand of water torture.. I watched as our Yankee hero un-zipped his flies and took out what can be only described as a lower proboscis that would have made Barry Manilow`s upper proboscis jealous ! Then he peed on me, a rich yellow golden shower that seemed to go on for ever ...He completely saturated my license to kill that i thought would have been safe in my top left pocket- so that option was out of the window ! So i had to take it- just take it- a Colonel Of the British Empire being peed on by a gay looking American- a leather boy ! I took my punishment like a public school boy found Abdul who seemed quite happy in his cage- but was nevertheless pleased to see me even though now it was me who smelled like paint stripper ! We both left Guantanamo bay a little wiser perhaps but both not quite knowing what to do with our new found knowledge ! This had not been the first time i had been peed on by a Yank ... It had been years maybe decades before when i Series,14 info@colonelradioshow.co.uk no No http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/meat-hooks/2012/03/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ColonelsRadioshow/~3/BQAXADj1OV8/ http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/woggle-madness-and-clutch-problems/2012/03/#comments Sun, 18 Mar 2012 10:38:47 +0000 Colonel Crabtree-Smythe http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/?p=1680 Pre Series Special<img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/ColonelsRadioshow/~4/BQAXADj1OV8" height="1" width="1"/> http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/woggle-madness-and-clutch-problems/2012/03/feed/ 0 34:51 Pre Series Special Pre Series Special Series,14 info@colonelradioshow.co.uk no No http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/woggle-madness-and-clutch-problems/2012/03/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ColonelsRadioshow/~3/hcz64SWVgDk/ http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/great-expections/2012/02/#comments Sun, 12 Feb 2012 17:11:39 +0000 Colonel Crabtree-Smythe http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/?p=1671 Welcome back my little terrapins, my little midnight killers, my noon day sun mobsters&#8230; Yes welcome back to my world, a world of utter stuff...<br/><a href="http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/great-expections/2012/02/">Read the rest...</a><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/ColonelsRadioshow/~4/hcz64SWVgDk" height="1" width="1"/> http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/great-expections/2012/02/feed/ 0 34:51 Welcome back my little terrapins, my little midnight killers, my noon day sun mobsters... Yes welcome back to my world, a world of utter stuff ... Welcome back my little terrapins, my little midnight killers, my noon day sun mobsters... Yes welcome back to my world, a world of utter stuff and nonsense , I mean for Christ sake I don't even know what's real anymore! What the hell is going on ? Truth is Sage has driven me round the proverbial burning bush having me believe anything he puts forward in our pointless conversations ! Dickens is it ..? Bally Charles Dickens, he calls me a cad and a bounder Sage does! Listen the point about all this is I have had my moments in life. I have been a liberal thruster at times a smoker of opium a worshiper of the dark side and yes it would be prudent to say that I am not too fussy when it comes to the holes that I have dug over the years! This however is no admission of guilt for I am a man who has always faced up to the realities of life and am always willing to take it on the chin so to speak ! To suggest that I would allow my offspring to fend for themselves as Sage has done is a vile sentiment and slander beyond the gates of Mordor. A dark feast nevertheless, and is something I will deny until my last breath is breathed. Truth is, from the shadows I did all I could for Pip... Inbsp;made sure he had all the opportunities that a boy of his stock deserves, some may say that is nepotism but Inbsp;say no.. It is being a father , even if this father could not show his face a father I was! I sent the fucker hampers from Harrods on a monthly bases, i was philanthropic in my parenting. I even had him a pair of bespoke hobnail boots made, fucker never wore them, moaned that they were too hardy for his feet! So point is Pip was a let down from the start , he wouldn't have ever survived trench warfare. The little fucker would have had his head blown off, all on account that his tin hat didn't fit and he wasn't wearing it when the shot was fired! Even then I was there for him, I managed to pull a few strings to get him away from front line war work and this enabled him to ponce about in high society London. The point about all this is what the hell does Sage know or understand about parenting. "Nothing" I would cry from the dock, send him down, down for a long stretch of porridge and anal tampering! How dare Sage point out the speck of wood in my eye when he has a twig in his! His son Max is a pathetic individual, who can't string a coherent sentence together without bursting into tears, the anxiety ridden little twerp ..! Sage's son is a pansy and he has the audacity to attack me, well I say "No", I won't have it . nbsp;If Sage wants it out we shall duel at dawn. Pistols, swords, hands, or submission grappling. I'm a killer in all the fighting arts and Sage does not stand a bloody chance he will eat his words, I will make him. I shall make him write them down on an A4 sheet of paper then stuff said paper down his over worked cake hole the twister that he is ! I will grapple him like I was the late great Helio Gracie and Sage was an amateur and that my friends is what he is a rank amateur ... I will twist Sage up into a ball then put him to sleep then I will lay his body down for all the world to see! All that said and I stand by what I have just said I feel that it is Charles Dickens who has slandered me , writing about my life like that, and not allowing me to preface the story with my own words.... Making me out to be a charlatan and I for one am sick to the eye teeth with all of it, I'm off on holiday to put my feet up before I really do something that Sage can't talk his way out of! Thank you my good people and we shall speak soon... Later is greater - baked potatoes ! Laters! Memoirs,,Series,14 info@colonelradioshow.co.uk no No http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/great-expections/2012/02/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ColonelsRadioshow/~3/kS7LNMKwLkI/ http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/ayahuasca/2012/01/#comments Sun, 29 Jan 2012 19:08:35 +0000 Colonel Crabtree-Smythe http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/?p=1660 Hello ladies and gentlemen there is no time for procrastination for one must get right down to the essence of the point here! Once again...<br/><a href="http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/ayahuasca/2012/01/">Read the rest...</a><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/ColonelsRadioshow/~4/kS7LNMKwLkI" height="1" width="1"/> http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/ayahuasca/2012/01/feed/ 0 38:36 Hello ladies and gentlemen there is no time for procrastination for one must get right down to the essence of the point here! Once again ... Hello ladies and gentlemen there is no time for procrastination for one must get right down to the essence of the point here! Once again suffice to say Sage does not understand the importance of what I am trying to accomplish and achieve in the field while trawling the depths of human experience! Sage takes things at face value, if he can see it he will engage if not he will rant like a drunk Glaswegian into the ether suggesting that everyone other than he is a fool! Sage turns everything into a pantomime ladies and cranks alike, it's as though he marvels and revels in seeing me close to breaking point as I try to take the show into a more intellectual direction, a more scientific/spiritual collection of thoughts and ideas. Our man Sage wont have it ... Does he not know of my friendships with the great Amazonian shamans, these ancients that have a knowledge of life far in advance of our own in matters of the ethereal the spiritual and psychological even in there understanding of healing and quantum physics is far ahead of ours in terms of what they understand about the science of the invisible, DNA, the double helix and even the triple helix. Our materialistic world has lost touch with what the shamans have to show us with the use of the healing brew Ayahuasca... This brew contains the powerful hallucinogen dmt which normally is not active taken on its own but the ancients found the two plants in the whole of the amazonian rain forest using an alchemy of sorts that allow the active ingredient dimethyltryptamine to work after the ingestion into the stomach, but this is not the point if you want details do some research what I am trying to get across is what an arse Sage is! Psychedelics are the way forward, the knowledge nature possesses is way beyond our puerile grasp of what reality is! I remember when myself and a few psychedelic explorers went AWOL in the late 50's... The image of our expedition into the Amazon reminds me of the film starring Klaus Kinski the famed Aguirre Wrath of God... My sparring partners were William Burroughs, Allen Ginsberg and the famous Jewish comic Mort Sahl. Now this trio of happy campers were always up for a laugh so we made our way with little trepidation to the Amazon on a log raft made from wood, well it would be wouldn't it! My point is we learned a lot regarding the nature of reality, as we saw our true selves and our troubles were ironed out by the wonder brew Ayahuasca as we were healed by the Shamans and their chanting! Nature grabbed us by the balls by the short and curlies and took us to a carnival way beyond anything I had ever seen before ... It was better than Starlight Express, Cats, and Heath-cliff all put together, and some! It was better than the local fair with its big wheels, dodgems and candy floss, it was better than the circus with its Lion tamers and master of ceremonies, clowns and Lycra clad sex bombs! It was even better than watching Ian Botham bat at Headingly in 1981 smashing the Aussies into kingdom come! It was fleeting even though it lasted weeks... a fleeting glimpse of something far greater than my perception of such a vision! The knowledge I gleaned from the experience has even now yet to fully process. The snakes who are not to be feared as they are guides, however, that said they did and can turn nasty snapping and threatening, the crocodiles, the darkness and the light! Oh the light! So when I tried to explain to Sage of the beauty of such visions I was mocked and laughed at as was Ron who had joined me on my recent trip (no pun indented) to the Amazon! Ron had become frightened at his visions even though his love of the guide snake did help him until of course it turned into Nipper Read - the Copper who had sent him down for thirty years - then I have to say things turned nasty for a while as Ron tried to strangle our Shaman guide thinking that he was a member of the Olde Bill come to take him away again.... After much expla Memoirs,,Series,14 info@colonelradioshow.co.uk no No http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/ayahuasca/2012/01/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ColonelsRadioshow/~3/iATp71dhZuQ/ http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/fluffy-revolution/2012/01/#comments Sun, 15 Jan 2012 18:42:36 +0000 Colonel Crabtree-Smythe http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/?p=1648 Hello ladies gentlemen and marine life respectively, a new year has started and all the retards are still in bed, you&#8217;ve had you&#8217;re festivities and...<br/><a href="http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/fluffy-revolution/2012/01/">Read the rest...</a><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/ColonelsRadioshow/~4/iATp71dhZuQ" height="1" width="1"/> http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/fluffy-revolution/2012/01/feed/ 0 41:19 Hello ladies gentlemen and marine life respectively, a new year has started and all the retards are still in bed, you've had you're festivities and ... Hello ladies gentlemen and marine life respectively, a new year has started and all the retards are still in bed, you've had you're festivities and now i'ts back to being brain dead! Sod the planet, fuck the poor and ignore what's real and alive. Cos you got pissed and now your head hurts and they have you by the balls! The streets are quiet it's our last stand so what are you panicking for? Get back to work and tow the line you better fly that corporate flag! So let's have a war, you know what for cos you've seen it on TV and all your sanctimonious niceties they don't mean shit to me! It's nearly over tis the blink of an eye with fucked up plausibility until the day that you die. So take your kids to a burger bar give them BSE or why not stick a needle in your arm and contract HIV. Yes the judge loves his black suspender belt and he let the nonce go free, the law is in the gutter and there ain't no liberty! So bring on the empty horses yes bring on the empty crowd you won't hear me shouting cos I shouts a bit too loud! My point is this my little gold diggers... all in all Sage has no sensitivity except of course the end of his over worked pumper but I digress! Sage has it in for the olde Estonians and I for one have had enough of his racist slants, I mean to say what has Estonia ever done to us? I of course tried to explain that it was the Etonians that we should be concerned about but Sage insisted that it was the state of Estonia a country that sits in the Baltic region of Northern Europe that is the cause of all the worlds problems! I tried to explain to Macorkadale that the Estonians have a good human rights recored and that they have fulfilled duty of care to her people and I explained to Sage that the country is also ranked highly fornbsp; its freedom of the press, economic freedom, democracy, political freedom and education but he Sage that is would have none of it ! Sage put on his self righteous hat and stared ranting and raving about how the Estonians have it all and still want more! Like I say ladies and limp wristers alike Sage is a retard! I will now explain what the hell has been going on over the holiday season and beyond! The point about all this is, I feel I may have sent Sage round the proverbial twist when I may or may not have suggested that the Polar bear that mauled to death an Eton school boy on a remote glacier near the Arctic circle last year was in effect or affect doing a good thing for the revolution. Or to put it another way at least the polar bears are on side as it's only the toffs who do things like entering the barren icy north to experience the hellish cold and the dangers therein! I saw Sage twitch as I made this point the veins upon his face swelled I thought a stroke may ensue, but no it was after the show that he jumped on his soap box and blamed the Estonians! Point is ladies and late night stalkers alike, each to their own and is that not what the world is all about! Sage wants to invade Estonia for some Nationalistic reason. I mean I don't think they have oil so what would be the point? I for one don't even eat meat and potatoes so to invade for the food would be a pointless endeavor all in all! However all that said the point is - while Sage wants to go to war, I would like to send a polar bear round to Number 10 Downing street to give David Cameron a taste of his own medicine. See how he likes being cut to smithereens by a creature that has been around a lot longer than his blood line, and that's saying something! Sage was having none of it so I tried to explain it another way! You see somebody told you back at school that you were a no one that you were a fool, well i got news for that sad old tool he ain't nothing without a rule, say the wheels on the bus go round and round and the girls on the back go up and down, my smile ain't fake like Tony Blair and the underclass have become aware that if time is running out then you make some more cos its ea... Series,14 info@colonelradioshow.co.uk no No http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/fluffy-revolution/2012/01/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ColonelsRadioshow/~3/0RJVd5T_Fx4/ http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/stop-the-clocks-i-want-to-get-off/2011/12/#comments Sat, 31 Dec 2011 11:12:38 +0000 Colonel Crabtree-Smythe http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/?p=1632 Mid-series special. Happy New Year everyone! Occupy Wall Street ? Or occupy ones own mind ? The Colonel has something to say on this matter,...<br/><a href="http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/stop-the-clocks-i-want-to-get-off/2011/12/">Read the rest...</a><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/ColonelsRadioshow/~4/0RJVd5T_Fx4" height="1" width="1"/> http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/stop-the-clocks-i-want-to-get-off/2011/12/feed/ 0 46:38 Mid-series special. Happy New Year everyone! Occupy Wall Street ? Or occupy ones own mind ? The Colonel has something to say on this matter, and Sage is ... Mid-series special. Happy New Year everyone! Occupy Wall Street ? Or occupy ones own mind ? The Colonel has something to say on this matter, and Sage is driven to the point of not knowing anymore! Plus two songs from J.J.Tobin-Dudley! Happy New Year my good people, peace, and love from all at The Colonels Radioshow! LISTEN TO POD CAST WITH PLAYER ABOVE OR JOIN US ON I TUNES ! Series,14 info@colonelradioshow.co.uk no No http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/stop-the-clocks-i-want-to-get-off/2011/12/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ColonelsRadioshow/~3/b87sp7JQJeE/ http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/christmas-special/2011/12/#comments Fri, 23 Dec 2011 11:47:29 +0000 Colonel Crabtree-Smythe http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/?p=1621 Ebony and Ivory, all in it together Get into the Christmas spirit with this Christmas special as Sage is joined by The Colonel, Ron, Lindwall,...<br/><a href="http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/christmas-special/2011/12/">Read the rest...</a><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/ColonelsRadioshow/~4/b87sp7JQJeE" height="1" width="1"/> http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/christmas-special/2011/12/feed/ 0 46:25 Ebony and Ivory, all in it together Get into the Christmas spirit with this Christmas special as Sage is joined by The Colonel, Ron, Lindwall, and ... Ebony and Ivory, all in it together Get into the Christmas spirit with this Christmas special as Sage is joined by The Colonel, Ron, Lindwall, and Featherlite! Meanwhile Mick McCarthy throws a spanner in the works with a vile Freudian slip of the tongue!Chaos ensues someone gets cut, Lindwall gets the Tic-Tac,Crabtree want to get pissed and all Sage wants is a clean Christmas show. Oh and Ainsley Harriot is livid! Maybe,Wu Tang Clan member Olde Dirty Bastard nbsp;can save Christmas? I wouldn't count on it ! Either way its better than spending Christmas with Cliff Richard! nbsp; Merrynbsp; Christmas andnbsp; a Happy new year ! Series,14 info@colonelradioshow.co.uk no No http://www.colonelradioshow.co.uk/memoirs/christmas-special/2011/12/ Colonel's Radioshow - weekly comedy podcast from Colonel Crabtree-SmythenonadultComedy tales and funny tall stories from the ancient Colonel