MOVED

Does anyone still follow this blog?

2012-07-10T11:42:00.000-04:00

Well, they shouldn't because it has moved to - http://colormeneurotic.blogspot.com

hope to see you all there!

I'VE MOVED MY BLOG

2011-10-18T19:59:00.001-04:00

Follow it here http://colormeneurotic.blogspot.com/2011/10/good-luck-chuck.html … please : )

Moved Blogs!

2011-09-26T09:00:00.000-04:00

Happy Monday!! And to continue following me, please go here - http://colormeneurotic.blogspot.com : )

Moved

2011-09-23T21:13:00.001-04:00

If this post is in your feed, you are most likely not following me. Please follow me here - http://colormeneurotic.blogspot.com

Moved.

2011-09-23T09:30:00.000-04:00

I wiped out my blog and started it over, please click on the below link and follow me there : )

http://colormeneurotic.blogspot.com

Moved!

2011-09-22T09:30:00.000-04:00

I wiped out everything in my blog - please follow it here http://colormeneurotic.blogspot.com

Thank you!

MOVED!

2011-09-21T12:23:00.001-04:00

I've decided it was time for a change and moved my blog here - http://colormeneurotic.blogspot.com

Please follow!

Starting over, yet again.

2011-09-20T21:54:00.001-04:00

I wanted a new start, so I moved my blog over.

Follow it here please - http://colormeneurotic.blogspot.com

Change is definitely needed.

2011-09-20T14:07:00.001-04:00

It seems like it has been forever since I began this blog, especially when you think about where I was in my life.

Then? I was 22 years old and had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was 40 lbs heavier, still dealing with the pain of a breakup and having it screw me up with dating other men. I had no job and had bled my savings dry. Obviously, I was in a bad place.

Now? I am 24 years old (still not used to saying this), have had a decent-paying job for over a year and a half, and am more than halfway done with court reporting school. I'm still single but it is a choice that I have made. I just have more important things to worry about in life than if a boy is going to call me or if he feels the same way that I do. Not to say that I will turn away a man who sweeps me off my feet, but I am definitely holding out for someone who is worth the frustration.

I am just now starting to let go of the thought that I have wasted away the last six years of my life. Although in an ideal world, I would have graduated school in 2009 and (hopefully) have a job, I would not be where I was today if I had done things correctly. I don't know if I would have ever met Tight Wad, and even though things do not work out with him, that relationship had taught me a lot about love and life. I don't know if I would be closer and not talking to some of my friends, so I am glad that I am where I am today. It also helps that many of my friends in school are my age or a year or two older, so I am not the only one in this boat. It is just overwhelming to think about the amount of money in loans I will have to pay back before I can catch up with everyone else and move on with my life.

So with all of that said, I feel that this blog needs a change as well. I like the name and really do not feel like going through the trouble of switching names, but I don't feel it is necessary to stay here. I have this name over at Wordpress but am not quite sure how to work that site. Most of the people who have followed this blog have probably forgotten about it anyway, so maybe it will be better to move it over there.

Well, I am definitely not getting any younger...

2011-09-19T13:33:00.000-04:00

It has been about two months since my last post and I can honestly say that I miss it. I will get ideas in my head of what to say but when it comes down to staring at this blank screen, I am just that - blank.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I absolutely despise my birthday. Between sharing it all of my life with my grandparent's anniversary, not having any real friends through middle/high school, and having a boyfriend who couldn't care less about it; I have had anything special happen on it. For some reason, unfortunate events always seem to occur on September 17 and this year I was hoping to break the curse.

Friday night after having dinner with a small group of friends, I ended up in a bar that I somewhat despise. I always meet the creepiest of men when I am there and the bar is just over-all grimy. Having one of my pledge sister's boyfriends spot the cover charge for us made it all worth it though. I ended up meeting a girl with almost the exact same tattoo that I have, on her wrist as well. After a while, everyone had to leave earlier, leaving my friend K and I as the last girls standing.

It was then, that something that I had no expectation of happening, occurred - I met a guy. It started off with me kissing him on the cheek for luck during his pool game (he won!) and ended up with him and I discussing Sigmund Freud and our life dreams at 3AM in a bar. Feeling elated that I not only met a cute guy, but an intelligent one at that, I dismissed myself to use the restroom as he promised to be there when I returned. After some bathroom fun (an entire group of girls singing Happy Birthday to me), I decided to return to my suitor, to only realize that he was GONE. Apparently, he was walking over towards K (who knows his friend) and busted his ass, drenching himself with my drink and his. Also, their other friend had called telling them to get to the airport for the flight they were on later that day.

I feel like I have had a Craigslist missed-connection. The cynic in me is saying that if he really was interested, he would have made sure I was given his number or vice versa. In reality, he was drenched and probably was concerned with getting the fuck out of there. He also left on a plane a few hours later to go to California and won't be back until late next week. At least K and his friend have each other's numbers so all hope is not lost, yet. I just hate having to deal with middle men and would rather have things happen on my own accord, but whatever.

Thanks to my bladder, I narrowly missed getting my birthday kiss. I guess I really am getting old.

Enough is enough.

2011-07-20T14:18:00.000-04:00

Nearly three months and four drafted posts later, I am finally writing here again. It sounds crazy but I almost feel that my life was more together when I was venting here. So… where do I begin?

Since the last time I posted, I passed both my 80 AND 90 speed tests and moved into the next class. I have also hit my 40-pound mini goal and brought a bunch of new summer clothes that really showed off how far I have come. That was six weeks ago. Since then, I have missed school a bunch of times. I am still doing well in school, as far as my other class is concerned, but I have not passed my 100 test yet. Also, I have been going out to eat a lot with my friends and not sticking to the plan. I haven't gained much weight back at all, but I have noticed that my (new & two sizes smaller) jeans are hugging my hips a little tighter than they were when I brought them.

I have finally hit a breaking point though, but I hate the way it came about. I recently suffered from what I would diagnose as "moderate sun exhaustion" and due to my delirium, I had a dream about Tight Wad. Of course this dream stirred up thoughts about him, the relationship that we had, and most importantly, who I was during our relationship. When we were together, I rarely went to school and had no idea what the fuck I wanted to do with my life. I had no direction in life and this was one of the (many) things that caused our relationship to fail. By screwing up school and my diet, I am regressing back to the person that I used to be. And honestly, I have come too fucking far to do that.

I think my attitude also has a lot to do with this. Something I noticed over the weekend at the beach (first weekend off in a long time - amazing) when telling someone what I go to school for, I always sell myself short. When I usually tell people I am going to school for court reporting, nine times out of ten they say something like "wow, that makes A LOT of money!" This normally causes me to get embarrassed and follow it up with "well, if I can get through school." While yes, any court reporting student will say how difficult it is, but why can't I allow myself to admit that I CAN do this? So what if it is a lucrative career, it shouldn't embarrass me to admit this. Same with weight loss, if someone comments on how great I look, I have to say how far I still have to go.

I will say one thing, I feel amazing when I lose weight and pass a speed test so I need to stop denying myself this. This is the year of me and I am now terrified that I have ruined it and will not achieve the goals that I have set for myself.

The most immature of them all.

2011-04-26T16:51:00.002-04:00

I don't really consider myself a mature person. While yes, I feel as though I finally have a direction in my life and am on the right track, I feel that emotionally I am not there yet. What I am referring to is my impulsive, selfish, and almost naive nature. The person inside of me that has an answer for everything and truly does not know when to keep her mouth shut. The girl who cannot let something just happen, and instead ends up ruining the moment (something which two men I have dated, told me that I do). And last but not least, the girl who expects everything in life to come easy.

Of course there are some points of my immaturity that are attractive. For example, I still feel that there is a perfect man for me out there. I don't want to use the word soulmate because it makes me cringe, but something like that. The man who will lay there with me, my head on his chest, and listen to my dreams while playing with my hair. Who will get every nerdy reference that I make, appreciate my fucked up sense of humor and most important, get me. One who will make me feel like no man has ever made me feel before. I still believe that he is out there and that is the single thing that keeps me going when things do not work out with someone.

I also believe that I can and will make my dreams come true. I sometimes focus on the big picture, which can be taken as a bad thing, but it is what keeps me focused on my goal. My cousin, who is obviously the epitome of all who is mature, often says how this is one of my worse traits and is a reason why I do not have many friends. First off, I do not have many friends because I rarely find people who are worth maintaining a friendship with. Also, not many people understand and "get" me. Second, why the fuck should I not talk about my dreams and probable future?

What should I focus on, the fact that I have eaten nothing but Jenny Craig food for the past few months, not had ONE BITE of candy this Easter season, and cannot sit or stand without feeling soreness? Or the fact that one day in the future I will have an amazing body, shop in stores that I have never dreamed of, and will be able to run a marathon? Which is more appealing and likely to keep me going?

Or how about school; should I focus on the fact that I am beating myself up weekly because of speed tests or the fact that in less than two years from now I will be making six digits and paying off my student loans?

If that is one of the things that make me so unlikeable and immature, then fuck it, I'll keep searching for that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. As for my dream man? I will stick to the belief that I just haven't met him yet.

Nikki's Favorite Things

2011-04-25T13:01:00.003-04:00

In lieu of a post discussing the more serious things that are cluttering my mind, I am giving you this excuse for a post. I hope everyone had a Happy Easter/Passover!

The NOOK Color

This is one of my favorite things that I own and by far, one of the best Christmas gifts I have ever received. I used to read a lot when I was younger and thanks to the NOOK, I have fallen back into that hobby. It is a tad pricer than the regular NOOK, but with the backlight and full touch screen, it is well worth the price. Some of the books that are currently in my library are: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (just finished it today), Something Borrowed, The Great Gatesby, and A Place of Yes. I love how light it is to carry with me and I often read on the bus ride to and from school.

MacBook

In a rather impulsive moment last August, I decided to purchase something that I have had on my wish list for almost two years - a white MacBook. In hindsight, I should have waited until I had paid off my credit card debt, but I just wanted it that badly. Also, I should have opted for the MacBook Pro but I was just dying to have the white laptop. I am obsessed with this machine and all that it can do. I will never buy another PC again, unless its for work.

elf Makeup

One of my best friends recommended this site to me and I have been obsessed ever since. Good quality makeup that is super, super cheap. Most of their products are only $1 each and their mineral makeup items run for about $6 each. Fucking amazing!! Plus, they almost always have promos with free shipping (like right now!) so you truly cannot beat it.

Samsung Fascinate

Late last year, I desperately needed a new phone. My beloved BlackBerry was dying and I really wanted the iPhone but Verizon still was not carrying, so I ended up with the Fascinate. Even though I still have a slight case of iPhone envy, I am obsessed with this phone, which in my opinion is the closest thing to it. There are TONS of free apps in the Android market and the phone never freezes.

Wen by Chaz Dean Hair Care

I don't care how expensive this shit is, I will never go back to regular shampoo. I have very thick, coarse, almost "nappy" hair and this works miracles for it! My hair takes less than half the time to style now and it is so much easier to work with.

Fuck Oprah, my list is way better ; )

GTKY Sunday - 4/17

2011-04-17T21:09:00.001-04:00

1. What's something you've eaten and liked, but didn't think you would? Lamb.
2. Plastic surgery..yay or nay? Whatever makes you happy and makes you feel more confident in yourself.
3. Two things you love about spring are.....? The weather; not too hot and not too cold, and that feeling you get when you first realize that the days are getting longer.
4. When's the last time you went on a picnic? Never? I don't think I have ever been on one.
5. What's your favorite app? Without a doubt, HopStop. Even though I have lived in New York, I am still pretty clueless when it comes to navigating the city with the subways. This app is a HUGE help.
6. Who does the grocery shopping in your house? My mom does lol. Sometimes I come along for the ride.
7. Would you rather take a spin class or zumba? Zumba! I have been meaning to try it.
8. How often do you go out to dinner? Before I started Jenny Craig, two to three times a week. Now? Maybe once a month, at most.

No April Showers here this year.

2011-04-15T15:04:00.001-04:00

For the past six or so years, if I was involved with someone, it always seems as though the shit has hit the fan during the month of April. Being the emotional beast that I am, it always caused me to cry my eyes out.

In April of 2005 I was still toying with the idea of going back to my ex-boyfriend. He was my prom date and for some reason that gave me hope that things might work out between us. He had always taken me back (though we only really dated once) before, so I figured things would not be different. Unfortunately, they were and I learned that the hard way. Through this experience I learned the lesson that the way to a man's heart is not through his penis. Unfortunately to this day I am still struggling with that one.

I don't remember specifics but April 2006 (I just remember it being the night before Easter) we had our first real fight of the relationship. Plus I had also lied to him this month, about something huge and had yet to build up the courage to tell him.

In April of 2007 he broke up with me, and it seemed like it was out of nowhere. He did it over the phone, since he was not going to be able to come home for the next few weeks and didn't feel like dragging it out. This led to what I will always refer to as my "summer of hell." The day after we broke up we were hit with a noreaster and I remember feeling that it was symbolic of how much I had cried the night before. Somehow we survived it though and stayed in our quasi-relationship for a year and a half longer.

In April of 2008 my grandfather had just gone into the hospital and I had given Tight Wad a lot of shit about not coming home that weekend and being there for me. We almost broke up, again, because of it but after some cooling off and thinking, we were ok. Little did I know that a month later, when my grandfather passed away, he truly would not be there for me.

In April of 2009 I was still mourning the loss of that relationship and trying to find myself again. Nothing really happened during April that year but I still wasn't truly happy.

In April of 2010 the back and forth with Minute Man finally came to an end when he met a girl (his now-girlfriend). I don't know exactly what I was sad about because deep-down I always knew that things were not going to work between us. I also knew that he was always there. If we hadn't talked in a while and I was craving some male attention, I knew that I could BBM him and things we start back up (somewhat) again. Now that he was with someone else, it meant that that was ended and that he was truly moving on. Of course it was for the better and to my knowledge him and that girl are still together now, a year later, so I am very happy for him.

So in April 2011… Hm, there is absolutely no man-drama going on in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have shit in my life that I need to deal with but none of it is being caused by a man. There is something really liberating about this and it makes me all the more happy about not being involved with anyone.

I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.

2011-04-04T17:06:00.000-04:00

I don't know what it is but right now I feel that I am really confused about my life right now. This explains my lack of posts because I simply do not know what to write about. I thought that it was just a writer's block but then I realized that I am in a total living-block. That and the fact that I cannot write with the freedom I would like to because of the people from my personal life that read this blog. If you think that I am talking about you, well guess what? I am ; )

Well, with that snarky comment said, back to the real reason for this post. I am definitely on the right track with school (even though I overslept and missed steno class today. I seriously have issues) and with Jenny Craig but I feel that my personal life is very up in the air. I don't have a man in my life and that is something that I am beginning to accept again. I am no longer sad or blaming myself for things not working out with that guy and have learned to see that it is was not meant to work out.

I have a lot of uncertainty happening in my friends circle though. As a result of recent events, I am seriously considering cutting a large number of people out of my life. I cannot go into detail because of the people who might read this but it has come down to a respect issue. If you do not have respect for me then I seriously do not need you in my life. Most people do not know that I feel this way because I don't care enough about my relationship with them to frustrate myself with the confrontation. That alone speaks volumes about why these people should be cut out of my life. Of course not everyone will be cut, just those who give me more grief than happiness. Also, I feel that I am drifting further and further apart from my best friend. This is another situation that I have bottled up but not because I don't care enough to mend this, I simply don't want to burden her with my feelings. She has had a rough time this past year (really these past 6-8 months) and I don't want to do anything that might contribute to it. I love her to death though, nothing will ever change that and I know that we will get through this because we are best friends and this is what best friends do - they get through things. I just feel bad because I have not been reaching out to her as much because of this. I do not want to risk being short with her or God forbid, bringing this up, because again - she has way too much going on right now.

I just realized something (while writing this post) about myself. I avoid confrontation. In some ways, this could be a good trait but like everything else, I have taken it to an extreme. I avoid confrontation to the point that I rarely stand up for myself. That does not make me the bigger person of the situation, that actually makes me a coward. I could go on and on about how that guy was a coward because instead of acknowledging there was a problem, he slinked off but in reality - he was just doing what I normally do. I never realized how much of a hypocrite I am. I know this is supposed to be the year of finding myself (and becoming a whore) but I had no idea that I would find so many unattractive personality traits. I knew that I wasn't perfect but shit, I had no clue that I was this bad. I certainly have to mature and how to interact with other people and there is no better time than the present.

I hope everything starts to fall into place soon. A horoscope that I read back in January stated that I would have some personal drama (if you can call this that) in my life but will not see a reason for it until the end of the year. So here's hoping...

GTKY Sunday - 3/27

2011-03-27T21:52:00.002-04:00

1. What inspires you?
Seeing other people succeed at similar things that I want to succeed at.

2. What was the last thing you bought yourself?
A pink case for my Nook.

3. Would you rather watch a movie in a theater or from the comfort of your own home?
I'm paranoid about bedbugs so definitely from the comfort of my own home.

4. Household chore you don't mind doing?
General cleaning. I find something very relaxing about it.

5. Coffee or tea?
Coffee.

6. What could you eat every day and not get sick of?
Nutella.

7. What's the last book you read?
I'm currently reading A Place of Yes by Bethenny Frankel.

8. Do you think you look you "look" your age?
I think I do but sometimes people say that I look like I'm 18 or 19.

Passing Notes 3/25

2011-03-25T13:51:00.004-04:00

I saw this on Meg's blog and thought that I would try something new today. Excuse the shitty hand-writing, poor grammar and poor spelling.

If you'd like to participate, click the above button and follow the link to her blog.

Have a great weekend!

Supporting the field of psychology, one panic attack at a time.

2011-03-24T15:35:00.001-04:00

I don't know what is with me and school lately but I cannot get the motivation to get my fat¹, lazy ass out of bed and go to school every morning. This is the same thing that happened to me in St. John's, but at that point I was unhappy and not sure of where I wanted to be in life. I was just in school because I felt that there was nothing else that I could do. This is different. I am not in a four year college hoping to land a job the minute I graduate; I am in a two year program that will almost guarantee me my career upon completion. I am much older than I was when I was in St. John's and I am in a different place in my life. So why - why the FUCK am I starting to repeat this pattern? Not to mention, I am half-way down with school! I don't have this long, never-ending road in front of me. I am the closest I have ever been to completing something.

I think I am starting to have the "am I sure that THIS is what I want to do with my life" feelings. Honestly, these feelings are starting to scare the shit out of me. I seriously envy those people who have always known what they wanted to do with their life. How does that happen? How do people just randomly stumble upon what they want to do for life and then you have others, like me, who are just wandering around with no fucking clue? I do know one thing. I am out of chances. How many schools can I go to? How much more money can I take out in student loans? Where do I draw this line? When I graduate, between this school and St. John's, I will be in almost $90,000 in debt from student loans. What the fuck? Is this even heard of? I simply cannot afford to give up on this and start something else. I know that if I graduate and become a court reporter I will definitely be able to pay off all of my student loans in a short time and be able to move out and establish myself. I am just not sure that this is how I want to spend the rest of my life. Are these feelings normal? How can I be so sure about this if I am only a student?

Sorry if this post is making no sense, my thoughts don't even make sense to me right now. I just feel incredibly screwed up right now and I am starting to let it effect other aspects of my life. I made an appointment to speak with someone but I feel that I need help before I fuck everything up… again. I don't care if that finally validates my joking around and saying that I am crazy, this is something that I feel I truly can benefit from.

Would you like to know the most fucked up part of this whole thing? I am HAPPY when I go to school. I am happy when I pass a speed test and succeed. So why the hell am I stopping myself from being happy?

_{1. I would never, ever call myself fat and anyone who knows me knows this. I am just super-angry at myself right now so I felt it necessary.}

I'm not Irish but you could kiss me anyway.

2011-03-17T15:24:00.003-04:00

Today is March 17th, which means that you have 6 more months to shop for my birthday present. Annnnddd it also means that it is St. Patrick's Day! Even though I am not Irish I have always celebrated this holiday as if I were. Except for this year of course since I had to be the only tool to give up alcohol for Lent. Oh well, it will be well worth it because I can be a hot, skinny Nikki at the bar next year hitting on cute Irish lads.

(image credit: Google)

I hope everyone has a fun, safe St. Paddy's Day and a minimal hangover tomorrow morning!

Always Have Self-Respect.

2011-03-15T23:39:00.001-04:00

When I was 18, during my freshman year at St. John's, I decided to pledge a sorority. To the people that I had gone to school with and known all of my life, this was a huge surprise. Except it wasn't really. I am an only child who has always had a yearn to belong to something, it was only natural that I would join something like this. I had to go through a pledging process, which even though it has changed drastically still teaches the same core values. One of those values is to always have self-respect, no matter what. During the process we test the girls in various ways on this. Even though I went through this process almost 6 years ago, I still feel that I have not truly mastered this lesson. Case and point would be almost every situation I have had with a man.

Lets take a look at my dating history, shall we? I am just going to point out the three men that I have cared about the most. We have Tight Wad, who I was with for almost three years and put up with a lot of shit from. Halfway through our relationship he broke up with me out of nowhere (we had never fought before this) because he wanted to be single and see other girls. He also still loved me and wanted to date me, just without a commitment. Of course pathetic little 19-year-old Nikki obliged and this began the worse summer of my life. He never ended up seeing these other girls but just the possibility of it was enough to worry me sick. Literally. To add insult to injury, when my grandfather passed away he did not come home. When I asked him why he was not going to come home and be there for his girlfriend of 2 and ½ years he replied, "I just don't like coming home on weekends that I don't plan to. It's really not convenient for me." My response was something to the effect of putting the body on ice for the next time, so he would be there when it is convenient for him. Instead of just breaking the fuck up with him on the spot, I proceeded to make the next 5 months of his life (and mine) a living hell until he broke up with me. If I had any ounce of self-respect, I would have broken up with him the first time he fucked things up.

Another good example would be with Minute Man. While he did break things off with me, he ended up coming back for seconds. And thirds. After the fact it was clear what his intentions were and even though I knew it deep down in my heart, I still went with it because I just wanted to have him. Yeah, I know.

Lastly - what just happened with that guy. I know I have beaten myself up a lot for messing this one up but the truth is, he messed it up too. If he was just honest with me about things and communicated with me about everything then it probably wouldn't have blown up in my face. Yet, I still clung to it and still talked to him, hoping that things would go back to the way they were. I don't deserve someone who is going to completely shut off on me when I make a mistake, which to be quite honest, was not even that big of a deal. I blew things out of proportion but so what? I blow everything out of proportion, it is just who I am.

I seem to run into my problems with guys when I start to actually care. I have dated a bunch of guys in between these men and have been fine; its just when I start to have feelings, I lose a sense of who I am and end up going nuts. I don't think the solution for my problems is to learn how to date like a man. If I learned how to have more respect for myself, I would be able to walk away much more quicker when I realize that a situation is not going to benefit me. I also will learn to stand up for myself and to not allow people to walk all over me. These go for every aspect of my life, not just dating.

Somehow I think learning how to become a whore would be much easier...

Growing the hell up - part duex.

2011-03-11T14:34:00.000-05:00

In my last post I mentioned the happy hour with Katie (Date me, D.C.) and PYT (DATERVIEW) and how much of an eye-opener it was for me. PYT had to leave early but hopefully we will definitely be hanging out again soon and for a longer time. (Katie, come back to NY!) This is going to sound super-duper creepy but I don't care, I admire Katie. She is an excellent writer who has done things in her life to improve herself. Of course she falls down, makes mistakes, creates awkward moments at time, but she always bounces back and recovers from it in the end. Recently we have both gone through similar situations with men and how she was able to walk away from something that she knew would hurt her is amazing. I hope that one day I will have the strength. I suggest that anyone reading this should check her blog out - she is AMAZING!

Since I made 2010 the year of Nikki I have decided to make 2011 the Year of the Whore. This is not news, I have been saying this now for the last two months since things with that guy started to go sour (AKA since I fucked it up) but I have never felt confident enough to publish the posts about it. Its not that I want to be a whore, I just want to learn how to separate sex from emotions. This is more than just getting laid, I feel that this is something that comes with maturity. If anything, I will definitely learn when to walk away with men, something that I have always struggled with.

As far as relationships are concerned, I really do not care to be in one or try to start one at this moment. I am just so much more relaxed when I don't have a man in my life and I really need to stay that way for a long time. I've always been a hopeful romantic so I know that somewhere, out there, is the man who is perfect for me. I seriously thought that the guy was perfect for me, he understood my personality/sick sense of humor, got all of the dorky references that I made and most importantly, made me laugh. We were able to talk about anything and while things were going well, he was really nice and very considerate of me. On the bad side, his communications skills are not up to par and that is a huge reason why things would have never worked out between us. I just excites me that there is a man out there who is just as awesome as that guy was, only better and more suited for me.

The year I grow the hell up - part 1.

2011-03-10T14:36:00.000-05:00

Last Saturday two of my favorite bloggers Katie at Date Me, D.C. and PYT (obv not her real name) at DATERVIEW co-hosted a happy hour in the city. Katie always hosts them in D.C. and being this was her birthday weekend, wanted to do it up here for a change. I had a lot of fun, met some great people and was happy that I went. From the conversations I came to realize that I was the youngest one there. Nothing wrong with that, its just I felt very immature and inexperienced compared to all of the things that everyone else had likely gone through. One of the things I love about Katie's blog is how she is so easy to bounce back from a disappoint in life, especially when with a guy. Of course things happen that hurt her but she does not let it be the end all of her life. I guess that this is something that comes with experience and I am more than ready to become more mature in this aspect.

I feel that I have so many things to improve on in my life - I need to stop making such a big deal out of things that do not deserve it. I need to stop worrying about what might happen and just focus on what is happening. I need to learn how to stop caring about what others think and to just truly let loose and be the real me. I need to learn how to stick with things with the going gets tough. Finally, I need to accept that sometimes things are not meant to work out in life and its OK if it does not.

I know that I will not be able to learn all of these lessons overnight but I am willing to work on myself. I feel I am making some progress though, I have sang karaoke in public twice now and can honestly say that I have not once texted him. If you are new and need to know who him is, just read back a few posts. He never got to the point where I gave him an official name in my blog, which speaks volumes for how much I should have not cared. When the whole Minute Man debacle happened, I went back two or three times for more thinking it would be different. For some reason, I know that if me and that guy were to stop talking again, things would not be the same. I just have to take it for what it was, and move the hell on. There is a reason that it did not work out and eventually I will see it.

I have more to write on this but I need to get ready for work. So part 2 is coming!

Jesus was never my homeboy.

2011-03-08T23:26:00.000-05:00

One would think that 18+ years of a going to a catholic school would shape me into your normal bible-banging slut, but actually it has done the exact opposite. Religion is not one of the things that I prefer having shoved down my throat (snicker) and I don't remember the last time that I went to church other than for a wedding or funeral. As most Catholics and anyone with a Twitter account knows, tomorrow is Ash Wednesday - also known as the beginning of Lent. Catholic tradition is to abstain from something for 40 days during the Lent season, which ends on Easter Sunday. On top of what you choose to give up you should also abstain from eating meat on Ash Wednesday and Fridays. If memory serves me right, this is to symbolize the suffering that Jesus did for us. Well now that I have given you all a religion lesson, onto why this concerns me.

I have decided to participate in the Lenten tradition and abstain from something for the next 40 days. Since being on Jenny Craig means that I am already not having unhealthy foods, I choose to abstain from alcohol and napping. I always ruin my perfect week with drinking on Saturday night so obviously this will be a huge help to me. Also napping because I am far too lazy and definitely need to practice and increase my gym routine. I don't think I am going to go as far as attending church regularly but this is definitely something that I could see working to my advantage. The only disadvantage is that I am most likely going to get shitfaced on Easter. I got shitfaced on Christmas Eve and was a babbling mess who ended up making my mother cry. Not from her shame but from the jokes that my cousin and I were saying about her. To think, she actually has said that I don't have a sense of humor.

In other news, as of this Friday I will officially be credit card debt free!! I cannot begin to tell you how much of a relief this is, I can actually begin to build my savings account back up. Of course I still have about 10 million to pay back in student loans. Unfortunately I will not be able to pay these off as quickly as I did with my other bills.

I'm more than just an option. (hey, hey, hey)

2011-03-07T18:15:00.002-05:00

I guess it is time for me to tell the truth. I try to act like I am this strong girl who just brushes disappointments off her chest but I'm not. I am the girl who cared way too much about a man who probably did not even deserve it. Who looked too much into what he said, let herself get built up so high and then crashed down onto the floor when things did not work out. Granted yes, I did fuck things up. I took the whole paranoia-about-getting-hurt thing way too far and ended up pushing him away. Its not all my fault though. He could have at least been enough of a man and tell me that I fucked up, instead of making it like things were going to be fine. Him telling me not to look into it and how things were fine caused me to basically go nuts and put the nail in the coffin. Things were not fine. He went from speaking to me all day to basically not giving me the time of day, yet still said that things were going to be fine. I've spent a lot of time and energy wondering what could have been and what would have been if I hadn't asked him that last question. I know that is by far the most un-healthy thing that a person could do but I could not help myself. With Minute Man I was able to pin point why things would not have worked even if I didn't mess it up, with him I was not able to do this. Truthfully he was the first guy since my ex-boyfriend that I really saw why things were going to work between us and I guess this is why I was/still slightly am pretty bummed out about this. The only conclusion that I can come to about this is that it just was not my time. It just sucks when I have to say this about a good guy, as opposed to the usual asshole.

I was fine before I starting talking to him, thinking about him and imagining how I would incorporate him into my life. Whatever, you can sit there and he say that he wasn't my boyfriend, it wasn't that serious and that I shouldn't have been hurt but I know what I felt. Either I made this whole thing up or he just never felt the same way (more likely the latter) because he just walked the fuck away like it was nobody's business. So right now all that is left for me to do is to get back to where I was before I met him. When it comes to the opposite sex I seriously cannot be bothered anymore. This is my time now and I don't care if Leonardo DiFUCKINGCaprio wants to date me, it is not happening. I have way too much going on to worry about someone else and making them happy. It is all about me and I don't give a fuck how selfish that sounds, that is the way my life is going to be for now on, until I find out who I am as a person. Not saying I will turn away the opportunity for any sloppy, drunk hookups; I just won't be getting the other party's phone number.

Funny how almost two years ago I created this blog to chronicle my life dating as a newly single 21 year old and now this has become a blog about finding myself and bettering my life. This is going to be the best year of my life, I call it now.