COLORFUL RANTS OF A FED UP SISTA

I'VE BEEN "GHOST"!!!

2011-12-05T17:03:00.000-08:00

For those of you who didn't know, the street term "ghost" is EXACTLY what the hell you might think it is...it means to disappear.

I'm seriously a horrible girlfriend to this blog. I pop in and out of "his" life, do what I want to him, and only come around when I need something.

Most people in general would have dumped my ass by now. Not my blog. Not "him". I guess I give him the best verbal penis-pounding that he has ever seen...so that's why he lets me come back.

I can't even begin to play catch-up with you guys to be honest with you. So much has happened over the last few months that I'm surprised I'm not huddled into a corner trying to masturbate with a razor-blade. All kidding aside, the whole thing has been one hell of a rush.

I think I can pull a quick list out of my ass for you...

Got a job at a retirement facility
got my ass whipped by an elderly woman
"friends" found out and laughed my black ass out of a room
lost four "friends"
got caught "sneaking a jerk" at my mom's house

....(why I thought it was a good idea to sneak over to her house and watch some porn was beyond me. *crossing my fingers* I really hope she believes that I was just scratching my no-no spot from a horrible attempt at shaving with a dull blade...)

Started getting harassed by my BOSS!!!

Okay, THAT'S what I wanted to vent about! I think I hit the head on the nail with this one.

At the retirement home, I did a lot of odd-jobs around the whole facility. Secretary, kitchen detail, care giving, you name it my black ass was doing it. I was sweating like a Hebrew slave!

Somewhere along the line it all went to shit for me. I think that line was when my shit-head-of-a-boss slapped me on the ass. I was in complete and total shock when it happened.

Let me give you a quick scenario of what this guy is like:

No one, I mean, NO ONE likes this dick-sniffer! He recently got caught cheating on his wife and is now going through a nasty divorce. His teenage son hates his damn guts. He comes to work drunk half the time, and to top it all off this guy's four front teeth are rotted out to the point where it looks like he gave head to a rusty pipe like he was hungry for spunk!

(for a true visual, imagine Jay Leno butt raping Andrew "Dice" Clay and somehow knocking him up... and there you go!)

I've put up with his incessant ignorance and rants, I had to listen to his drunken badgering, and I had to deal with fighting the urge to stab him in the fucking head from sheer aggravation...then I get an open-handed ass slap from that piss-pump of a human being sent shivers up my spine!

I told everyone that would hear me out about what that shit head did to me. Fucked up thing is...he's KNOWN FOR IT!

Are you serious? You mean to tell me that with all these sexual harassment laws out there that no one had the balls to report this stale bucket of piss?

After a few more days of mental mind-fucking, I had enough!...but I set up a plan to not only set things right...but I had a plan.

I WENT ON THE HUNT FOR ANOTHER J-O-B.

After hearing that other past employees had been ignored and their cries for help were heard on deaf ears, I thought I would handle it my own way. The "street" way.

I made sure to have another job lined up before I executed my plan. I mean right after I got an interview at another facility (and a day set for training). That was when I would carry out my plan.

First, I went to the dip-shit and volunteered for more work so I could give a few of his other employees some much needed vacation time. More than a handful of them where women who had family south of the boarder and desperately wanted to see them.

Then, soon after I was assured that the other ladies where far far away in margarita ville, I started stock-piling cat shit. I helped out a few of the elderly residents by cleaning out their cat's shit box. Cleaning for them, vengeance for me.

My boss always ate pudding with diced up almonds at two o'clock like clock work. He kept a tub of the shit in his office like the true filthy hoarder he was. A normal human being with keep that shit refrigerated, but this puss-cluster was far from human. He was shit. And you are what you eat.

I took a weeks worth of clumpy cat scraps and stirred it to the bottom of his bucket-o-tasty treats...then waited for two o'clock to come.

I stood there with a paring-knife in my back pocket and waited to hear evidence of him sinking his teeth into some good old fashioned payback...

*door violently slamming*

He came running out of his office with chocolate slimy clumps combined with a dash of vomit dripping from his lips...and before he could gather a breath to yell at me...

I QUIT YOU PUNK ASS BITCH!

I ran straight for his car parked out back and with that little paring knife, I poked holes in all four of his shitty ass tires.

That shitty company let him get away with murder, so I brought death to his taste-buds and his tires.

WINNING! *Charlie Sheen Voice*

BOW WOW WOW, BITCH!

2011-09-19T11:04:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite routines to do at work just might be "ear-hustling". It's when you're supposedly working hard, or pretending to be, while ease-dropping on people's conversations. It's not the nicest thing to do, but hell I work with more than a handful of women...the shit is bound to get more than a little interesting.

While "ear-hustling", I came across a very typical conversation...
"ALL men are dogs, girl!"
"THEY ain't shit!"
"Move on to dating women...."
"Blah, blah, I'm on my period and I'm horny...blah!"

I know the fact that I have a hot box implies that I'm supposed to cheer this type of shit on...but c'mon now. This garbage gets kind of old.

More than a handful of women generalize with no hesitation, but let a man spew out some shit like, "ALL women need to be in the kitchen", and there will be a mob of estrogen filled camel toes waiting in the wings to string is bitch ass up with a quickness.

From what I've learned, a majority of men that are "dogs" hate their mama! I can hear it now, "Thundercat, don't bullshit me!" I assure you, I'm not.

Most guys that I've befriended that were complete womanizers could not stand their mothers or where abandoned by them. I'm dead serious. I didn't go to school to specialize in how men think to stumble upon that one.

Most of you know this...or at least I hope so.

In dating, most women "claim" to have been overdosing on women's intuition...how come they ignore it?
Is it out of sheer hornieness?
Is it out of desperation?
...Or do they just not really see the powdered pimp hand coming straight toward them. Hell if I know, I ain't Ms. Cleo!

Oh, before I take off to go take a dump...

(uh, yeah...that's so un-lady-like...what I MEANT TO SAY WAS "before I take off to drop the kids off at the pool and leave they punk asses there"...)

I wanna give a special shout out to the folks that welcomed me back with open arms into the Blogger game!! I tried to super-stalk you all from my phone, but my piece of trash phone shuts down right before I get to the good stuff. I can honestly say, my phone has a case of the major blue balls right now.

From what I'm seeing, a LOT of you have really "blown up" followers wise. I'm so proud of y'all!

I get a rise out of seeing you all mingle on my comments section. Taking each other's clothes off with your teeth. Massaging your keyboards with your rump-shakers and drooling like a handicapped raccoon who hasn't eaten in days. Caressing your nipples to the point where they can cut glass like African blood diamonds. Clicking the "post comment" button till you get a puss-filled rash. Then having to go to the free clinic only to see a big ass bill and sending it to my black ass because I gave "it" to you and you have no damn medical insurance. See...that's love!

I love my Colorful Rants Family!!

...and to the new folks...

WELCOME!!!

*twists nipples*

...now it's official ;)

*ten minutes after posting* Is there a dick on my follower's list or is the screen on my phone playing tricks on me? Wtf o.O lol...CLASSIC!

ELDERLY PEOPLE WERE TRAINED BY CHUCK NORRIS

2011-09-13T11:55:00.001-07:00

Whew! Two things to start off...
One, I'm so ecstatic about the idea about being able to blog again! I have friends and all, but lets be honest...they don't REALLY give a damn about me. Sure we chit-chat about what's on sale at the nearest market or who's man is stepping out with another woman...but I don't think they give a fuck enough to give me REAL advice or super honest opinions. That's why I love to run to you all.
There is no need to sugar-coat or be fake here. I truely believe that's why we are all compelled to come here. We get the truth on blogger. We get uncensored, unadulterated truth in this crazy world of white lies. So I'm so thankful right now.
Two...
I CANT REPLY IN MY OWN DAMN COMMENTS! WHAT THE HELL!
That's like giving me a pack of condoms for free, then having my man's ding-a-ling fall off in the shower right in front of me!
...dude seriously ...
I came home after work after a long hard day witnessing all my Blogger lovelies welcoming me back home...then SMACK! "Thundercat, you have a shitty Cricket android phone and can't do shit other than post and stream cheap ass porn every now. and then.
(The porn screws with my phone too, but do I stop? Hell no!)
I guess the real fun will begin once I get my computer up and running. Which will be soon, and believe you me...I will return the favor to all of you in a major way. I love ya'll! No bullshit, I do!
Now... it's taking a lit of balls for me to say this...
I got my ass whooped by a 93 year old black woman who can't walk...
Yeah, me!
I honestly think that was the lowest point of my life! Even if I was strung out and addicted to crack and I was giving out filthy sexual favors for a "hit", I would brag about that first before laughing about getting my ass whooped by a handicapped, elderly chick.
Long story short...
I was assigned to "Mrs. Old-timer's" room to give her s shower. My manager told me that it'll take some getting used to when it comes to dealing with her...but they didn't say anything about getting an apple smashed against my damn temple and literally getting my ass handed to me by her ass!
I still don't understand how she got the upper hand on me! She's wheelchair bound for God's sake! Yet, I was crawling on my damn hands and knees trying to escape her crippled Kung Fu grip!
"Bitch, If I could walk I'd still be all up in yo ass!"
I can still hear her voice running through my head!
...help!

WHAT IN THE HELL IS THIS ON MY PHONE?

2011-09-12T13:02:00.001-07:00

Oh they really fucked up now! What's up people. For those of you who already knew (or give a hot frogs Fuck), I've been out of the blogging game for over five months now.
Not because I wanted to, but it just kinda happened. First my cheap ass computer broke down from mass waves of free internet porn tag-teaming it's insides till it turned to mush.
Yeah, a sista had a lot of free time on her hands.
Then, I had a Shit load of bills calling my name and I was their bitch! I had to do something and quick. I'm not sure how most of you who blog and work do it.
Back in the day I stalked/followed more than a handful of other bloggers whom I fell madly in love with to the point where I masturbated to their posts on a daily basis. It surely became an addiction that I hated to let go of...but I had to in order to make ends meet.
To make a long story short...
IM BACK DAMMIT!!!!
...Well, sorta!
I've stumbled upon a Blogger app on the Android Market and I'm giving this mother fucked a go! I'm gonna jack this this off till it wants to send me home to meet its mother!
So even though I'm not fully installed into the lovely blog universe ...at least I'll have an outlet to bitch and moan about my new job! I went from a starving waitress to a caretaker for the elderly in the matter of months! From flipping flap-jacks to whipping asses...Ahhhhh gotta love life, huh?
Stay tuned!
Much love...
Thundercat 832

MUD-DUCK= "OH NO YOU DIDN'T!"

2011-07-13T10:59:00.000-07:00

At work the other day, I was ~~hiding in the deep freezer like a dumb ass~~ on my lunch break and trolling on the all mighty Facebook, when I came across something that brought back some annoying situations I often came across in my past.

I was tagged on some random chick's page in an attempt to get me to vote for her to win some ridiculous Facebook contest, "Hottest Chick on FB". I really don't know this chick, but I was curious to see what kind of comments her pictures would get:

Jaw Dropper Indeed!

Oh yes! The notorious Myspace restroom picture. Ooooh la la! How classy. Not gonna lie, if I looked half this good, I would be half naked at the fucking grocery store shopping for melons in front of old crusty ass men trying to produce heart attacks to build up my ego...

But a picture like this, especially on Facebook, did not receive such a tender warm welcome....

Meet Jenny "Fuk'yu" Rivera. She didn't waste anytime downgrading this chick from top to bottom. I don't think posting pictures of myself like this would be my idea of a good time, but if a sista wants to get down like this who am I to stop her?

Jenny even went as far as to have a kick ass Internet beef with some random jackass who was probably still jacking off through the entire thing. My thing on Internet beef is, it's like watching a race during the Special Olympics. No matter who wins, it's still retar.... you get the point.

Oh, you still haven't figured out what a Mud-duck is yet? Maybe some visual aids will help.

A mud-duck is...

Jenny "Fuk'yu" Rivera

A super unattractive female who tries to down grade or make a complete mockery of visually attractive females to compensate for the lack of sex appeal/self esteem that they have....

I don't have a bi-sexual bone in my body, but I would much rather look at the hoochie up top, than to look at Jenny's ass while eating breakfast. I think she would give me a horrid case of heartburn...or diarrhea. Either way, her juicy mug would fuck my up later. I'm just saying.

I've ran across shit like this my entire life. I've had more than a few mud-duck friends who would make fun of some chick walking by that could be the next hot piece off ass slapped across some men's magazine. In the back of my mind I knew that they would give up a two-piece and a biscuit (along with an arm and a leg) just to be that skank just for an hour!

Denial is not just a river in Egypt people! I'm just saying...

Oh, on a personal note:
I haven't been around in ages. Work, no matter what kind of schedule I have, has been kicking my ass! Whatever day off I can scrounge up is only filled with hours of sleeping. I haven't been able to comment on other blogs, even the ones that I love, let alone pull a blog out of my ass.

For those of you who kinda give a fuck, I'm sorry for that. I hope you forgive me. Bills are a bitch and they get enjoyment out of butt-raping all angles of my social life. I just have to bend over and take it....with a smile.

Being a money hungry waitress is no fun. A small part of me dies every time some jackass carrying a wad of one hundred dollar bills stiffs me on a tip. I'm officially one step closer to losing my fucking mind and killing someone for not leaving at least a dollar on my damn table. Mm mm, maybe I'll end up on the news teaching the cheap asses of the world to TIP or be bludgeoned to death by some angry disgruntled waitress... I can only dream, can't I?

I love and miss all of you fuckers so very much!

CASEY ANTHONY=OJ SIMPSON

2011-07-07T08:29:00.000-07:00

I'm sure way more than a handful of you already know about the story of Casey Anthony, a party-addicted, beer crazed mother who killed her child in an attempt to keep her party life up and running like a fined tuned engine. I'm also willing to bet my bottom dollar that you know that this bitch got off Scott-free!

Sure, she's only getting a few years for lying to the police about crucial facts pertaining to the case (which most of it she has already done while awaiting for trial), but really people? She's going to be free in a few weeks!

What in the hell is going on with our judicial system?
It's OJ Simpson all over again! We knew he did it then, and we damn sure know he did it now!
Same trial.
Two different circumstances.
Two different idiots.
One in the same type cold blooded killer.

I can't believe THIS is happening!

The evidence was as obvious as a blow to the head with a fucking baseball bat and she gets to walk around free as a bird!?! She lied about the where abouts of her child while she was out getting plastered at a bar with her friends and she gets to go free?

She posted all the evidence that anyone needs on Myspace like a fucking idiot, but she gets to go free?

She smiled from ear to ear after the verdict was given out only because she only cares about her own ass...but yep, she gets to go free.

R.I.P. Little Caylee Anthony

I'm sorry sweetie, but there will be justice for you

....some day.

ME SO HORNY...I MEAN, HUNGRY!

2011-06-24T11:17:00.000-07:00

Not even twenty seconds into this video and I was foaming at the mouth and in my drawers...

EMERGENCY PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!

2011-06-11T15:37:00.000-07:00

I wasn't even gonna post today, but I just had to get this off of my chest! I'm sorry! This has to be said. My mouth is still watering just thinking of it...and it's not in a, "ohhh that's yummy" kind of way. More like "I'm on the verge of puking my god damn guts out" kind of way.

Let me break it down to you...

I went out to eat with a friend of mine right after work just to let of some steam from today's incidents at work, when I noticed a hot chick walk into the restaurant. She was banging, not gonna lie! Tall for a chick, slim--with a nice plump booty. (or should I say BOO-TAY!) Nice hair (a weave? I'm not sure). The chick was hot! Almost celebrity hot!

Anyway...

Halfway through my meal, my bra strapped popped. (I guess that's a hint and a half to either get a new damn bra, or loose some more fucking weight!) ...but I digress...

I ran off to the restroom to adjust and contain my sweater meat until I got home. I reached for the door handle and just as I was about to turn it, the hot chick walked out...or should I say ran out like something was in there trying to molest her! She looked shocked and a tad bit startled when she saw me.

I didn't think nothing of it, that was until I walked completely inside the restroom. Almost instantaneously, the smell went all Tyson on me and raped my face double time!!!

It wasn't the smell of shit... oh no, no, no!

IT WAS STANK PA-DU-CY!
PURE, UNADULTERATED STINKY KITTY! ATOMIC PUSSY PEOPLE!

I know what rancid pussy smells like. C'mon! I have a pussy, and sometimes if you don't treat her right she'll act up on you. She'll snitch on you big time.

Use the wrong tampon, she will go all rouge on your ass!
Wear the wrong underwear, she will play Martha Stewart and bake some biscuits!
Use the wrong condom (or none at all) and she will let off some smoke signals to the world that smell like Nacho Cheese Doritos and death trap!

I know the pussy can act up sometimes...but the silent death roll that was escaping The Hot Chick's wang tang was ridiculous! If I could put it totally into words, it smelled like sour apple, Italian provolone cheese, and Louisiana hot sauce all wrapped up into one poon-tang mess!

Sweet holy Jesus!

Like I said, my pussy acts up every blue moon so I'm not perfect...BUT HOT DAMN THAT WAS NASTY!

Hot chick, if you're reading this...see a damn doctor! Please! For the sake of your pussy pouch, see one asap! That's a smell that regular soap and water won't wash away.

Thundercat Out!
xoxo

P.S...

In the words of Phoebe From friends:
"Smelly cat!
Smell--ly--cat!
What are they feeding you?"

Dirty dick is my guess...

xoxo

seriously

I DON'T TAKE SHITS, I MAKE MIRACLES!

2011-06-10T18:19:00.000-07:00

"push it real good"

I'm a human being. I have a vagina...or at least I think that's what this floppy meat sac is! As I was saying... I'm a female--and I take shits from time to time. (Life altering shits if I chow down on a lot of cheese). I know that some of you who are reading this might have the potential to grow a hard-on. I would bet my hard earned money that this post will kill off your dick for at least half an hour.

I don't know why women dropping a deuce is hard for some men to comprehend. I think you all don't want to comprehend that women take shits in the first place, do you?

It's like when a child gets a little older and they catch one of their parents wrapping up their Christmas presents in the bedroom only to PRETEND like it never happened in the first place! It's like they don't want to destroy the illusion. They wanna keep living the lie and stay in the dark about the whole mess. Men want to keep up with the idea that women don't drop a deuce.

Guess what? What don't take shits...we make miracles!

The miracle is that even when you men get the wool snatched off of your eyes about the subject, we still have the ability to give you a hard on with a little coaxing and some mild erotic distractions.

"I have the B.G's" (bubble guts...duhhh!)

Take Halle Berry for instance. She is considered to be one of the most beautiful women in the world. Never mind that she is drop dead gorgeous and can't keep a man happy to save her life. (That's a whole different post). When you look at her you don't immediately imagine her sitting on the shitter squeezing out something that could have sank a ship in World War II, do you? No!

If any of you guys were to catch her dropping a huge load, would you wanna still dig into her like a fat chick digging out an elastic waistband out of her gut? Okay, how about after she took a shower and washed her ass? Most of you filthy bastards would still bone her, shitty booty and all! Don't lie! Don't you dare lie to me!

Don't get me wrong, I can't stand taking a shit! I really do. I hate how long it takes! I hate the way it smells! I'll admit it, sometimes the stench doesn't even smell "human". I even hate how sore my booty hole is afterwards. I hate the fact that I sweat like a fat man trotting after an ice cream truck. I hate the fact that no matter how many baby wipes I used, I still feel like a shitty mess. Every time I drop an atomic bomb, I feel like I've committed an immortal sin. Just another tally on my laundry list of points to hell.

Despite all the crap I hate about taking a shit, the one thing I hate the most is the fact that I have to hide it. My man doesn't even attempt to spray air freshener when he drops what I call "little death threats" every morning before I go to work. He even giggles a little when he overhears my cries for help when I stumble upon a "floater" he strategically leaves behind.

I love my man to death, but he had THE NERVE to call me out on one of my shitty moments!

I dropped a "nice one" early this morning (maybe two hours before my man had to wake up for work)... It was bad enough that I was half asleep, but all the struggling took a lot out of me. So much so that I barely noticed that the can of air freshener was empty. Why lie, that can could have spewed out a wave of fucking fire and I wouldn't have noticed.

Then the minute his punk ass woke up, I could hear him in the restroom whining and screaming like someone hung a dead body in the shower.

"Ooooohhh weeee girl! You did ALL THIS?"

Are you fucking serious?

"With an ass this big, you didn't think it dropped hamster pellet sized shits, did ya?"

"A Conference baby, It's called a conference!"

Wow... I have to use code words for when I have to take a dump now? That's cute....

Anyway...
I'm not sure if you all noticed at all, but I've been chilling like a stone cold villain for the past four days now. I was lucky enough to get a smooth four days off in a row. No, I didn't get fired dammit. At least I don't think so. It's back to work I go, but before I take off I think it's time for me to show a little comment love!

My previous vitamin deprived post, "YOU ARE GONNA GET ROBBED", left me with a lot of hilarious ass comments. One comment in particular had a little anal leakage shoot out of me. Don't act like you don't know about booty juice inducing laughter!

A Beer For The Shower: Lmfao! The line, "my Italian Greyhound is built like a holocaust victim.... The first and only thing that popped into my head and stayed there for hours was this...

That skinny little ass rat doesn't look like he could bust a grape in a fruit fight...but I'll take your word for it! Thanks to the most fucktastic comment thus far! For more funny ass comments that will make you shoot out a booty bubble (I'm the creator of that word...check Urban Dictionary.com) Check out my Previous post!

You crazy asses take care and I'll see you all soon!
Deuces! Tee he he
Thundercats out!

YOU ARE GOING TO GET ROBBED!!!

2011-06-08T15:54:00.000-07:00

"Killer"

Ahhh! Summertime is creeping around the corner. You know how pools, icecream cones, and water parks come to your mind when you think of summertime? Fuck all that! The only thing that comes to my mind is HIGHER CRIME RATE!

Let's face it, when the schools let out (especially high school) that means more than a fist-full of shit heads have a whole lot more time on their hands and empty pockets to fill. I miss the good old days when the only bitches I had to worry about robbing me were the crack heads...now I have to worry about restless money hungry teenagers!

There is some good news in all of this...

No, you don't have to get a gun and play bullet tag with some teenagers to keep a safe and happy home. I don't think any court room in America is gonna let anyone slide with that one. I don't know about you all, but I'm going to get something even better...

I'm searching for an ATTACK DOG!!!

I need something that is brutal enough to snatch the ass or throat off any kid that grows the balls to come into my house, but at the same time not put a huge dent in my wallet.

The first thing that came to mind was the Pitbull! I was searching on the search engine Bing and found a shitload of info about Pitbulls. There is one drawback...THEY ATTACK THEIR OWNERS TOO! Dammit, are you serious? I gotta walk around paranoid as hell about whether or not my dog is gonna turn on me at the drop of a dime for not feeding it on time? Next!

Next up, the vicious Rottweiler! Big ass head, mouth full of razor sharp teeth, and a bark that could make the hardest gangster shit themselves with fear. Oh hellz yeah! Just what I need to repel a nigga out of my backyard and over to the neighbors to rob their asses instead! I didn't wanna take my chances with an adult Rottweiler. They are already set in their ways and if the bitch doesn't like me, they are sure to bite me. I figured I would look into getting a puppy. You know, start off raising the baby and then they will grow up to love and protect me...if I don't beat it or mistreat it.

Source

Fuck that! These little shitheads are the equivalent to my mortgage payments! I won't have a roof over my head, but I'll have a future killer in training. It'll help me scare the change out of people's pockets when I'm living under a freeway off ramp begging for cash.

Well, after all my searching I've come to the conclusion that this is ultimately the cheapest and most helpful option...

I WAS IN JAIL...AGAIN!

2011-06-03T11:16:00.000-07:00

Shit! Me? In Jail...maybe once or twice before in my past for some dumb shit. Once for playing a prank on some scary ass punk, and the other was for pulling off my panties at a club and flinging them on some security guy's face.

What?!? They were clean and the pussy was fresh to death, so why did he get mad? Maybe he preferred guys and the thought of having a moist coochie cloth tap his face ruined his life. Maybe it was the fact that they were just a little too moist. What can I say, they used to call me "Super Soaker" back in high school for a reason.

Now the prank on the cop was just a little strange.

I used to work at Bally Total Fitness back in the day. Not as a trainer--look at me! That would be false advertising. You can't get an ass like this slinging weights and choking down some protein shakes. I was a receptionist. In my single days, I used to stalk the hot gym buffs at the Subway sub shop across the street. I was the funny chick that worked at Bally's, so I used to act a hot mess just to make the guys laugh. I didn't get any dick from doing it, but I just like the fact that they didn't mind me hanging around to witness them talk trash about the gym hood rats who put on make up just to work out.

One day I strolled into the Subway just goofy as shit munching on a fat beef jerky stick...maybe a little high. (I used to get stoned before work...go figure.)

I spotted this guy wearing a black jacket and some booty clinching slacks leaning over the counter making an order. He looked stiff and goofy as fuck from behind...so I took it upon myself to perform a FAKE ROBBERY on him. I jabbed my jerky stick in the middle of his back and with my deepest cracky-crack head voice...

FREEZE MOTHER FUCKER! GIMMIE ALL YOUR MONEY!

The guys threw up his hands and shook like he was getting taken over by the holy ghost in a baptist church! Just as I was about to laugh till I snorted like Steve Urkel...There he was in all his glory. A FUCKING POLICE OFFICER! I was in jail for eight-hours all because he wanted to prove a point. What the fuck? By him turning around and exposing who he was-was proof enough to me that I never wanted to do that dumb shit again....but nooooo! He wanted to show his balls and let me rot in a jail cell with some prostitutes and gang bangers. Some people can't take a damn joke!

Oh yeah, the real reason why I have been MIA from you lovely folks...Work has been kicking my ass yet again. On top of that, I've made a commitment to moving my ass and working out. By the time I get home I'm so dead tired I barely have enough energy to get in the shower and wash my filthy ass. I still do though!!! I'm not a dirty whore lol.

Hey, I have a question for you guys if you don't mind. You know the "SEARCH KEYWORDS" thingy on the dashboard of your blog. What the fuck is that all about? I recently checked mine and...Look for yourself:

Is that the shit that you have to type in and my blog will pop up? Are you fucking kidding me? Does this go by WHAT I WRITE? What kind of shit have I been posting for this shit? I think I have to find Jesus or something, huh?

Speaking of Jesus, did you know his dad has a Facebook page?

Do you think he blocked Lucifer's page? Do you think Lucifer keeps checking his statuses to see if God still talks about him? Do you think they'll "poke" each other some day? Lmfao hell to the naw!

While I'm here let me toss out some COMMENT LOVE to a few of those who had me quief on myself the other day. Dead serious, my man follows me whenever I jump on to check my blog and laughs like a little bitch at my reactions...but he won't read my blog. Fucking dick! He just reads my comments. Remind me to punch him in the chode when he goes to sleep.

Comments from: End of Days=LMFAO Stupid Fizz-uk!

RICKY: Ric's Reviews

Dammit my brotha you're not even gonna try to fight, huh? Well, we have that much in common. I thought I was going straight to hell with gasoline drawers on...that was until my girl Angel hooked me up with a little info...

Singedwingangel: Tall Drink of Sweet Tea

My little mama here can feel free to get on her soapbox around me ANYTIME! Don't let her fool you, she is sweet as pie and knows the book inside and out...but she will get gangster on your ass whenever there is a shitty log of injustice floating in the pool! And my man did get raped...or at least I think so! He woke up complaining about a sore ass and a blow to the noggin...what the hell did I do that night?

Katie Sue: I'm Not Blog Worthy

Hmmmm, you have a good point there. Being in hell with itchy shitty booty will just add more problems on my list of pain. Then again, that would make a demon think twice about pulling my intestines out through my ass without gloves ;)

D'Artagnan: Support Your Own Agenda

Lmfao! Then the old fucker claimed that he got his math all wrong and now the new date for the "Rapture" is in October...Hmmm, if you're gonna scare the shit out of people at least get your dates right!

Mooner Johnson: The Most Inappropriate Man In The World

Ahahahahaha! *vomits* Damn skippy! Don't forget the black Nike shoes and velvet jump suits! Cult suicides are so sad they're funny!

There are more FUNNY AS SHIT COMMENTS here, I just ran out of room folks! Check them out..don't forget to strap on some depends! I tried them once...shitting on myself isn't as fun or funny as I thought it would be.

Peace out folks!
Thundercat832

THE END OF DAYS= LMFAO STUPID FIZZ-UCK

2011-05-21T16:37:00.000-07:00

So, millions of people were on their toes and scared shitless today all from the horny hallucinations of some 89 year old dusty bag of farts? Really? I for one was not freaked out one bit. Why? Because I've pulled off so many sins even if I did ten million frantic Hail Mary's buck naked while drinking a gallon of holy water--I would still would be sent to hell with a first class ticket stapled to my big black ass. Oh yeah, I've been a naughty minx.

This present hour is another example of how "special" some people are. I went to the grocery store before work and I saw a group of "sheep" piled in the isles buying up all the toilet paper and bottle water that they could find. Ummmmm, why would you need all that shit if today was indeed the day of The Rapture? People would just disappear or vanish in thin air...or at least that would happen to the "true believers". I don't know about you, but if all the "good folks" started disappearing, there wouldn't be no need for no damn toilet paper. I would have shit my pants and let it marinate! No need to wipe where I'm going.

Now that's it's all over, I'm gonna go back to doing all the naughty things that I know damn well that I shouldn't be doing. As matter of fact, I'ma take it one step further...I'm gonna commit one borderline felonious act before the sun goes down...RAPE! ... just as soon as my man comes home from the gym.

Time for some quick comment love. As most of you might already know, I have some kick ass followers! I'm not just blowing smoke up their asses, I'm dead serious! No matter what type of blog-niche that they have they always seem to let their hair down or rock out with their cocks out on my blog...that actually blows my mind and that's one hell of a treat for me. It's kinda like going to a convent and getting a handful of nuns drunk off their asses while coaxing them into making some girl-on-girl porn...yep, like that!

Squatlo: Squatlo Rants

Weasel on crack? Lmfao! Now I think I'm gonna get my hands on one of those little assholes and test this out! How hard can it be to make crack anyway? All I have to do is download a few rap songs and BAM instant directions on how to make the stuff! Oh don't act like you guys didn't know that! lol

The Empress: The Ranter's Box

Awwww! *tear* Comments like that are what keep me breaking my neck to make it home after work and putting aside some time for some blogging. Sure I could getting some sleep so I can continue on with the same monotonous crap over and over, but what's the fun in that? Blogging, especially interacting with MY BLOG FAMILY really keeps me out of jail!

Well that's all the time I have for now. I gotta take care of some crap around the house and get ready to "chase this paper" in the morning aka work! Wanna see some more crazy comments? Check out the COMMENT PAGE on my previous post. Hey, and start following each other! Make a friend! Spread some comment love! Hell, let's have a blogger orgy! Get naked with some words people!

xoxo

Love ya'll till my balls are rubbed raw

Thundercat

COMMENTS=GIRL BONER?

2011-05-18T12:29:00.000-07:00

Time for some comment love ya'll! I was streaming through the comments from The Real Blogger Shores Amazing Undercover Idol post and like I said before I'm gonna show off and spread the evil that is the comments that caused me to shit my pants and soil my pantie-draws. Confused? The only way to fix that besides titty humping the local librarian in hopes of getting smarter through osmosis, clicking the link above...sucka!

The Tsaritsa: The Tsaritsa Sez

Girl boner? Nice! I'm not sure if it was just reading the word "boner" or imagining a girl having one, but my clit got as hard as college level calculus in three seconds flat!

The baby isn't mine, is it? Sure I don't have a penis, but I would love to believe in my sick ass mind that I have the cosmic ability to impregnate females (or males) just with my mind. I'm so ready to cut the umbilical cord...with my teeth!

Mynx: Dribble...

Vegemite, huh? I think I've heard of the stuff. I'm not ashamed to say that at first I thought it was associated with something VAGINAL...but I slowed myself down and read it again. What can I say, I'm a product of public schooling.

That's all for today folks! From now on, I'm gonna show some fucking appreciation to all those who have me laughing till I give off some sort of strange nether region discharge from hell.

Don't you want crazy asses like these in your life? Stalk the shit out of them and harass/comment on their pages till they get a nervous nose bleed. I'm sure they'll retaliate!

200TH POST--THE REAL BLOGGER SHORES AMAZING UNDERCOVER IDOL

2011-05-16T08:35:00.000-07:00

[Nine bloggers were chosen to live in a house against their will and forced to document their wild ass adventures just to entertain the sick ass lurkers of Blogger. This is the episode where folks stop being polite...and damn sure start getting real! Hold on to your nuts people, it's my turn now. Hey, I was sober enough to write this shit so you should at least skim through it!]

Episode I- Squatlo

Episode II- Sonia

Episode III- Quincy

Episode IV- Michelle W

Episode V- Michelle (Reckmonster)

Episode VI- Lynn

...and now...

EPISODE-VII by ME!!!

Part I

Confessional: Damn! Who knew that Warren and Lynn were some major freak-a-leaks, but I just didn't know how much. I know I might still be hammered from my late night chug-fests on what I like to call THE INSTIGATOR...( A fucked up concoction of Tequila and Colt 45 Malt Liquor bound to get my black ass in some sort of trouble...), but I think they really want this "threesome" thing to go down.

There's only three things wrong with this picture. One, I think Brandon has a video camera or two just lingering around to catch my ass in a "tight spot" so he can blackmail me with the footage. Two, Warren scares me and I think he wants to do things to my vaginal wall that would require me to seek a surgeon after. Three, Lynn gives me this vibe that she likes to use nipple clamps and other S&M type shit that my therapist recommends that I should not tamper with...for obvious reasons. Plus I like the fact that my nipples don't look like uncooked hamburger meat.

I consulted with Sonia about my little dilemma just to see if the alcohol was playing mind games with me and making me paranoid. All she suggested was that I just speak to Lynn and ask her what her intentions were...but I was so drunk that her good advise went in one ear and out the other.

There's only one thing that must be done. They want some black folks for their "Black People Adventure"...I'm gonna give it to them.

Part II

The only person in the house besides myself who was open minded enough to do some radical shit for a good cause was Alexandra (The Tsaritsa).

I found her alone in her room rocking out to some Wu-Tang Clan on her Mp3 player. I've always thought that shit was kinda cute. Petite little firecracker with enough street cred to even freak the fuck out of Shug Knight...my nipples get hard just thinking about it!

I had more than enough "liquid courage" racing through my system to ask Alex the most ridiculous request that I've ever come up with in my entire life...

Me: "Hey there little mama, you wanna be black for a day?"

Alexandra unplugs one ear bud out of her dome and just gives me the most snarky look I've ever seen.

Alexandra: "Have you seen this ass? Already there my sister!"

My eyes shoot down to her rump and I give her an affirming nod. Mmmmm, she does rock the hell out of those leggings. Alexandra just rolls her eyes at me only to turn around and get back to her jam session like I wasn't even there.

Me: .....It'll freak the fuck out of Lynn......

Alexandra: "I don't like to curse very often, but in this case I'm fucking in!"

Alexandra and I immediately ran off to Bob's room who I knew had a stockpile of Black Kiwi shoe polish in his bedroom closet. Why in the fuck does he have so much of this shit and he doesn't own one mother fucking black shoe? It was only fitting for us to put this shit to some good use.

As I was shutting the door behind us, I spotted Brandon's nosey ass leaning in his chair from across the hall. All I could hear were a few cat-calls and whistles from behind the door.

Brandon: "You could at least let me watch!"

Me: "You ain't got the money, so you can't see no honey!"

I started to take off my clothes right in front of Alexandra...which made me a little self conscious at first because she had this startled look on her face like she just seen a hungry Wolverine scratch his way out of my va-jay-jay!

Alexandra: "Uh, girly what the fuck are you doing? I thought the plan was for ME to be black for a day! Why are you taking off your clothes?"

Me: "Oh, I just wanna be naked...

Once I got Alexandra undressed, I continued to smear the black shoe polish all over her smooth naked body.

Me: "NO FAIR! Can't see if the carpets match the drapes because there is only hardwood floors..."

Alexandra: "Get back to work girly before I change my mind! Damn girl, you gotta stop drinking!"

Just as I was putting the finishing touches on Alexandra's ass, Michelle (The Reckmonster) strolls in with her jaw completely dropped to the floor.

Alexandra: "I thought you locked the door! Dammit Falen!"

Me: "I'm drunk as a skunk...and you thought wrong."

Michelle: "What in the holy fuck are you two doing? Are you two pulling a Ted Danson *black face*?"

Alexandra: "Ohhhh yeah! This should really get a rise out of TOAR...Plus, I like making a statement."

Michelle: "What statement is that by the way?"

Me: "We haven't figured that out yet...SHIT You want in? Because I just can't allow you to leave this room and spoil the surprise..."

Michelle throws up her fists in a defensive stance out of no where and starts to panic.

Michelle: "What do you mean you can't allow me to leave? I'm a grown ass woman and I'm not into playing the hostage!"

I stumble over to Michelle and smudge a huge load of the black shoe polish on to her face...

Me: "Then you're in!"

Our plan was set and in motion. Alexandra and Michelle's naked bodies were now fully covered in their best Wesley Snipes get-up and we were all ready to roll. Our mission was to just prance about the house as if we were fully clothed like it was our every day routine. We strolled casually past Michelle W, who's always on the phone with her family. I guess the sight of my bare ass was enough for her to accidentally drop the phone.

Michelle W: "uh.....uhhhh.....I gotta call you back honey! Mommy will be back in just a few minutes!"

To Be Continued...

Take it away Brandon aka Lost In Idaho!!

HERPES=VOMIT X'S 1,000,000

2011-05-14T15:15:00.000-07:00

Oooo weeee! Today at my job, I saw something that had my mouth water like a bitch in head...and not in that "mmmm-mmm that shit looks so delicious" kind of way. I mean in that, "dayum I drank too damn much and I think I'm gonna throw up" kind of way. Or at worst that, "I think I swallowed too much of my man's baby juice on an empty stomach and I'm about to blow chunks" kind of way. (Extreme I know...)

At my waitress job, I was waiting on a chick that had a cold sore on her mouth that was the size of an Indian nickle! It was so damn big, I almost mistook it for a piece of food that was clinging to her damn mouth like a love hungry chick with daddy issues ridding the next dude out of town to get out of her parents house. I put this on everything that I love...I thought that some-ma-ma-bitch *Bernie Mac Voice* was gonna pop all over the damn table. Ewwwww! Let me say this shit again with a little more stank on it...EWWWWWW!

Now that I got that gross ass shit out of the way, I have to update you all on my:

FEATURED BLOGGERS

SECTION!!!

I had to think long and hard on the booties to pick for my featured bloggers section so please show some love and add these kick ass folks! ;) Go ahead, show them some love and get to know them a little BIT better! I'll kick someone in the balls in your honor if you do.

Oh, I have another post coming up. It will be my:

200TH POST OF CRAZY SHIT!!!

What will my 200th post be about? Will I rant about Sexual Transmitted diseases I thought I had in the past when in fact was really one gnarly yeast infection from hell? Will it be about the time I found a way to step on my own damn nipple in a drunken haze to make my friends laugh? Will I spill the beans on what I do with a pickle and a bag of shredded cheese in the shower when my boyfriend is at work?

Hell nah! I'm gonna post the next Blogger episode of:

Here's the low down...

It's a FICTIONAL story of nine bloggers picked to live in a house that we damn well can't afford even with all of our bank accounts combined. With a room full of strong ass personalities and swollen egos, chaos will ensue and it will all be documented for YOUR enjoyment! Sounds good, huh? Shit, if half of you can stomach MTV's The "Real" World, then I know you will at least skim through this shit.

Catch up when you have some spare time to prepare yourself for the crazy shit I'm gonna post on!

Episode I- by Squatlo

Episode II- by Sonia

Episode III- by Quincy

Episode IV- by Michelle W.

Episode V- by Michelle aka Reckmonster

...and coming up is

Episode VI- by Lynn!!!

After her, my crazy ass is gonna take over so

STAY TUNED FOR MORE!!!

Oh...one last thing.

I'm going showing off the best comments on my future posts. Hell, why lie! My loyal followers post the funniest shit I've ever seen in my comments section so I wanna whore them out so I can pay my rent! Just me showing a little love to those who keep me laughing to the point where I ruin a decent thong that I got on sale at Wal-Mart!

Peace out my loves

xoxo

MY BIRTH CANAL HURTS!

2011-05-08T20:09:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm a nasty little fucker ain't I?

My goodness it's been a crazy ass week so far. I've been balancing my sanity as usual with trying to deal with work, keeping up with everyone socially, and being in a relationship. I haven't been totally mind-fucked to the point where I'm hiding in a dark corner tweezing out my pubic hair with my own teeth. It's actually been kinda...nice.

I have actually been looking forward to going to work now. Yeah, me...I said it. The money is fucking awesome to say the least and the people I work with make getting verbally butt-fucked by idiotic strangers all day hella tolerable. That's what I call magic!

I have attended a few bad ass ~~extremely costly~~ weddings with my boyfriend, who surprisingly hasn't freaked the fuck out by the thought of attending one with me. Most men are known for having mild panic attacks at the thought of their girlfriend giving them the goo-goo eyes during a wedding. My man kept his cool...okay, his bow-tie was cutting off the circulation to his brain and he didn't notice me giving him the "that's my future husband...or I'll kill him" look.

All in all, I'm still here guys...lingering on like a fart in an elevator. Just watching and waiting to fuck up someone's system. Not gonna lie, I get a huge visual morning wood from checking out some of the comments you guys leave me. Man, that shit sometimes has me giggling for no damn reason at work! I catch myself checking that shit from my phone and accidentally blowing out a booty bubble from laughing too hard.

I'll comment back on my previous post this Thursday and "flick the beans" of all of your posts! I just love that damn saying to no end. Ha, flick the bean! Google that shit...you won't be surprised that I used that shit!

Oh, before I forget:

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

You had the balls to squeeze something the size of a 12" subway sandwich out of your uterus...and I thank you!

Oh, shout out to my Homie Quincy and the "crew" for coming up with a reality show theme that really sent shivers up my spine! I hope I'm not too late since I've been so ~~drunk to the point where I shit myself~~ MIA These past month ;) I need dates and times people ;) Hook a sista up on more of the details so I can spread the word to my other ~~psychos~~ followers.

Much love and lubricant

Thundercat

TUESDAY=LICK MY TAINT

2011-05-03T19:12:00.000-07:00

Please, tell me you know what a taint is. You do know what a "taint" is, don't ya? Well I'm not gonna label you as a complete and utter loser if you have no fucking clue what it means because a few years back I really didn't know what it was until I accidentally kicked someone in theirs.

A taint is that... mmmmm... weird little fleshy section past a man's ball sac and just before his shit hole. That's the "taint". That little funky ass section, that's it!

I'm getting to the point in a second I swear.

I know I have been bitching and moaning about how I was going to be stalking the hell out of you all like it was going out of style, but something happened to me that was the equivalent to someone biting off my left nipple.

(my left one is my favorite one. Why? It's because it's the one nipple that doesn't get "ashy". Messed up, huh? I didn't think nipples could get "ashy". Are they supposed to? Sometimes my right nipples looks like I tried to smuggle a powdered donut in my bra. I think I might have to see a damn doctor.)

*long ass side note, isn't it?*
MY LAPTOP CORD SHORTED OUT AND MY BATTERY IS JUST PLAIN SHITTY!

I have to bite the bullet and go spend over a hundred bucks and get that shit replaced...but what the hell, you fuckers are worth it ;)

It's Lick My Taint Tuesday! You know how there's a Fuck You Friday? Well I felt the need to post a Lick My Taint Tuesday...If I had a taint. DAMN GENETICS!

Oh, big news! My retarded step brother from another mother designated me as the ruler of the world! What would I do with this power? Would it all go to my damn head? You bet your salty fucking nuts it will!

I would only designate a handful of rules for all of you to follow, but the results of not following these rules would results in death...or if I'm feeling too ~~high~~ lazy to "pop a cap" it a bitch, I'll settle for a good fisting of the ass.

Rule #1: everyone must masturbate on the regular! That would cut down on the "bitchassness" that is plaguing our way of life. I think some people are too damn ugly to get laid without the use of force, and some people are so damn "unlikeable" that most human beings would rather shove a hammer up their urinary tract than have the displeasure of fucking them... So I'll make it a point for EVERYONE over the age of 18 to jack off/twittle the twat at least once a day!

Rule #2: Everyone must be allowed to give a bitch-slap to anyone who's a dick to them within the court of law. If you have visible proof that someone was purposefully being a dick/bitch to you, you shall be rewarded with the opportunity to give the asshole an open handed bitch slap to their face in front of all your peers. Hey, that works for the children too! You get bullied, you're allowed to slap a mother fucker till your knuckles turn blue! You have the proof, I'll give your ass the *POW*-ER!

Rule #3: If your child is acting up in public and you are not doing anything about it, a total stranger should have the power to smack/kick them on the ass...ONLY! No drop kicking children and putting their little asses in headlocks till their little bad ass passes out! Just a small swift kick to the rear, just enough to knock them off their feet will suffice.

Rule #4: Prostitution will not only be legalized, it will be a honorable profession! There will be manditory drug testing, free medical for obvious reasons, and even a 401K! No more crackheads sucking people off for a hit, and not more "Street Rats" collecting at the nearest street corner anymore!

If girlfriend/wife has a problem with you trying to shove your meat stick up her backdoor while she sleeps, she might be okay with you going to a professional. Two birds, one stone. The best way to utilize this option is for the single guys/ gals to be the main ones getting their rocks off with one of these professionals.

To me I think it would cut down, if not abolish, cheating and adultery. If they get it while the getting is good before they walk down the isle, there should be no reason for their "curiosity" to kill their cats when they get tied down. Get it all out of the way and get it done right by a bitch who was trained to do all the freaky sneaky shit that normal human beings just won't do....sober.

Rule #5.....Public transportation should not only be powered by electricity...but it should be free for all! That shit will be extended to all parts of the country and there will be no reason for anyone not to use it...Unless some random bum uses the bus as his restroom on a daily basis.

No more having to worry about crazy ass gas prices. No more having to worry about some psycho in the car behind you throwing a fist full of pennies at your windshield to make it seem like someone is shooting at you. (Am I the only one who did that to someone once?)

Well, that's all folks. Those are all my rules. You either live by them, or die. Those are your only options!

I wanna give a special shout out to the loves who poked my ass on Facebook and snagged my attention on Twitter to see if my black ass was still alive. Once my laptop is up and running again, it will be back to business as usual my loves!

Peace out till then!

CRACK ROCK =???

2011-04-26T10:51:00.000-07:00

Good news all! I'm not sure if it's really kick ass news or not, but you all can be the judge of that.

Someone at my job got caught smoking a crack pipe behind a dumpster. Needless to say that they cracky ass got fired!...so I GOT THEIR JOB SCHEDULE!! Lmfao Okay, okay. I'm exaggerating about the crack pipe. No one knows what was being smoked, but it was enough to get their bitch ass fired with the cops waiting outside. I don't think people get that crazy over weed so my wild imagination just assumes it was the good old crack rock.

More money, morning hours, and more time to blog hump all of you until I get a few of you pregnant and on welfare in no time. Doesn't that sound nice? You like it, admit it dammit!

I still have a few more days to finish off my shift, but I'll be back soon. Stalk ya laterz ;)

P.S. There was a crack pipe involved though. I might have set someone up, or I might not have. Sista gotta do what a sista gotta do you know ;)

STRESS=MORTAL KOMBAT

2011-04-22T09:38:00.000-07:00

Well, these fly and fabulous four-days have came and went like a two-pump chump with a veteran hooker. Please tell me you know what a two-pump chump is. I know my some of my ladies know what the hell that is, right?

Anyway, in a few hours it'll be off to work I go once again. Back to the daily grind of tip less tables and food slinging. The one thing I don't wanna go back to is the stress. The stress of dealing with assholes is ridiculous and takes a tole on my ass, literally. I get hella constipated when I'm stressed out sad and needless to say. So I've taken it upon myself to reveal to you my secrets on how to deal with stress thus keeping myself from going off in a homicidal rage. Here are three steps of greatness that will keep your stress from creeping up on you and sticking a thumb up your butt.

#1 Think Of Death

I do this on the regular. Whenever someone pisses me off to the point where you wish death on them...I just kill they bitch ass! Uh, in my mind that is! Just take a second out and envision yourself doing your worst on their ass while they are passed out on a concrete slab. In my visions I'm usually kicking in someones skull till I wear a hole in my shoes Mortal Kombat style. I used to be a bad ass kicker in soccer back in the day. Man, I kick so hard in those visions I swear that the heel of my foot whips back and taps the back of my neck.

Why not snatch out a throat? Step on a testicle while wearing stiletto shoes. Hell, wear football cleats and launch a ball right out of the sac! Take a hot coat hanger and wrangle up some vital organs through their belly button! Seriously, eat their face till their mug looks like a bowl of bloody instant noodles! Damn, I'm having a Hot Copper flashback in this beeyoch, ain't I?

Hmmm, I said three tips, right? Damn that! Tip number one seems like a winner to me. So you guys, I'm off for now. You guys wish me luck that these visions don't become reality. Or at least wish that I don't get caught if by chance they do. I'll be stopping by each and every one of your blogs here and there and even pulling out a post out of my ass every now and again. You know the drill...till next break! I'll miss you little shits! *tear* Fuck, I hate getting mushy! See what you punks did to me? *gets knife* There, that's better!

THE OTHER WOMAN= SADFACE

2011-04-21T08:19:00.000-07:00

I've OFFICIALLY become aware of the other woman in my man's life and it's effecting our relationship. He reassures me over and over that besides his own mother I'm his number one girl, but the way he treats this ugly little side-line-ho from hell drastically shows me otherwise.

Even in front of me, he'll playfully wrap his arm around her supposedly only in a platonic way of course. He claims that she is practically family. I just can't help getting this evil ass vibe from her. I can almost read her eyes. They usually yell to me, "he he he bitch, I got your man" or "I'm number one now"...Yeah, my man thinks I'm just being paranoid, but a woman knows. A woman ALWAYS knows.

She's out to get me and I think she's out to replace me. Whenever my boyfriend's not around, she picks the right time to come over and literally give me hell. Secretly instigating me and taunting me to the point where I snap! Then when I tell my man about it, he just shakes his head and implies to me how astonished he is at my level of "jealousy".

How could I not be jealous! That's my man and he's all over that pussy like a bitch in heat! Even in front of me! What the hell? I'm the one that should trump her when it comes to attention. I'm the one who takes care of him, not her!

Does she wash his clothes?

NO!

Does she cook his food?

HELL NAH!

Does she listen to all his goofy jokes?

FUCK NO! She only comes around when she needs or wants something!

Does she make his "bed-rock" like I do?....

UH.....MMMM...SHE SNIFFS HIS BALLS WHILE HE SLEEPS SOMETIMES...and I just watch him giggle like a retarded little school girl... that's kinda weird...

I HATE THAT FUCKING CAT WITH A PASSION!!!

ASPCA here she comes!

RELATIONSHIPS=KILL KILL KILL

2011-04-19T11:42:00.000-07:00

When people say relationships are work, they were not fucking lying! It's even harder when you are living with you significant other. This is my first relationship where I'm living with the man that I love...and who loves me back. He better, because I'll kill his mark-ass! I'll kill him in his sleep I tell ya! ...Uh, I mean, I wouldn't hurt a silky hair on his head. ;)

Damn, it's a lot to get used to. There is no longer an "I" in this situation, it's only an "us" now. Sometimes I have to remind myself of this when I'm going about my own business in this fucked up world. For example; when I use up all the toilet paper, I can't just be lazy and replace the roll later before I have to take a dump, I have to be considerate and replace it just in case he has to go. Or, If I use up all the bath soap, I have to go out to the store and get some more so he'll have some to wash his ass with. Ya know, that considerate shit that I'm not used to, I have to do now.

I do have a question, how to you guys deal with arguments without the option of homicide floating through your mind?

My man and I don't argue all of the time, but dammit there are times where I wanna bite a hole in his ass or spit in his food when he pisses me off. Like I said, those times are rare.

I do have to give him this, he's so calm and cool when I have a problem with him. His coolness is a blessing and a curse. It keeps me from calling him crazy shit like stupid ass, dumb mother fucker, pin head...it just keeps me from disrespecting him in general. At the same time, it pisses me off even more because it makes it seem like I'm a complete psycho.

To keep me from going off the handle or saying some shit that I know I don't mean, I have to go through the long check list of shit that he does for me that no one else has ever done. It's kind of a way to help me ease the "bitching" and realize what I have in a man.

When he hogs the damn remote and keeps the boob-tube locked to Sports Center and to keep me from ramming his head straight through the TV....

I remember all the times he puts up with the "chick-flicks" that I wanna watch and he even cries with me...or should I say he tilts his head to the side and wipes his tears on the pillow next to him trying to hide it.

When he's too damn lazy to help me with something around the house and I'm just about to body slam his bitch ass over the vacuum cleaner...

I remember all the times he massages my feet till I fall asleep and he doesn't mind the large puddle of drool that I leave on his chest out of sheer exhaustion.

When he pokes me in the ass in public and I scream like a flaming psychopath causing the folks around me to call security...

I remember all the fucked up things I do to him while he sleeps, when we're out on the town and well...anywhere and everywhere.

I just have to remember the 80/20 rule and memorize it by heart. why bitch about the lacking 20% when the 80% keeps me totally satisfied. We all can't be perfect. I'm far from it. Shit, I wonder what 20% he has a problem with when it comes to me.

How do you guys handle relationships and how do you know you are in a good one?

4 DAYS OFF=MASTURBATION

2011-04-17T20:51:00.000-07:00

Don't let the title mislead you. C'mon, you should now me by now. I'm more than a little fucked up in the head. Well, a little more than usual due to my work schedule that resembles dry butt rape on a good day. Any who, I HAVE FOUR DAYS OFF NOW! Woo hoo! And for you sarcastic asses out there, no I haven't been fired... yet.

I warn you now, this is an uncut post and long ass hell! If you got better things to do, at least skim through this crap!!!

Being a ~~professional food spitter~~ waitress has really been kicking my ass. Not gonna lie, the good days really make up for the bad days. Thank god my manager is a really cool and laid back chick. She has pulled my black ass off of many a customer. Nine times out of ten, I was to the point where I was literally going to run outside towards people's cars and start taking shits on some bumpers and breaking some windshields like I was in a shitty Michael Jackson video.

One major theme of my whole waitress experience in short, I'm sure most of you already know either from experience or from many of my random psychotic bitch-fests that I've been posting, MOST BLACK FOLKS ARE RIDICULOUS WHEN IT COMES TO FOOD SERVICE WORKERS! There, I fucking said it!

Seriously, almost every table filled with "my own people" that I've had has either gave my black ass a hard time to the point where I wanted to punch them in the face, or worked me to death like a Asian hooker on a military base! To top it all off, they even end up tipping my stupid ass a damn dollar. A fucking dollar? Are you for real? I can't even buy gum with that shit! Hell, I can't even use a damn payphone with that garbage!

I've noticed that about my "own people"...Most black folks are like crabs in a bucket. We all have the same objective to crawl out of that damn bucket, but they pull each other down before they even have a chance to reach the top. Not only making it hard for the other fucks to crawl out, but they inadvertently make it hard on themselves at the same damn time. Do they even realize it? Do they really even give a hot damn? I don't think so.

I came to this epiphany when some dope dealing fiend and his side-line-ho came to my restaurant and ate the most expensive crap on the menu. Then, they grew the balls to ignorantly complain about the total cost of the meal. All the while pulling out a huge damn wad of one hundred dollar bills right in front of me. Dammit, you could have made my fucking coffee table level with that damn wad! To make it worse, THEY DIDN'T EVEN TIP ME!! I seriously hope they both get hit by a damn car. Is it wrong of me to wish that on someone? Hell, I don't really give a damn. I wish I knew how to make voo doo dolls... That's winning!

Oh well, enough of my bitching and moaning. I'm going to get on the ball and be a considerate blogger by commenting to you guys on my previous posts and ~~mind fucking~~ visiting the rest of you guy's blogs. I've been reading the comments and loving the hell out of them, but I have just been ~~too drunk~~ too busy to respond. I know, I know, I should be kicked in the uterus for not doing it sooner, but I will make it up to you all asap! NO, seriously, right the hell now!....Okay...in the morning, I promise!!!

Kisses to you all! (*flashes Nipple*) .... sex sells ;)

SLIM FAST=SHIT BRICKS AND GAS

2011-04-16T08:15:00.000-07:00

I have a super Bitchfest post coming up soon, but before I get to that, have any of you EVER been on the Slim Fast Diet? Whomever invented that shit should be tar-n-feathered then dragged by their genitals across a field of cactus! What the hell man! That little ass can can't feed a horsefly, and you expect my big ass to substitute two whole meals with that crap! WTF?

Don't get me started on the reoccurring gas and the torturous dumps it'll have you taking. I feel like I'm having a big headed baby every damn time! You ever struggle on the shitter so hard that your uterus lets out a queef? I didn't think so! My ass hurts just thinking about it. I've even had to find a bath soap with a lower PH because regular soap burns my bung-hole in the shower. Slim Fast is literally ripping me a new one!

When I get back home I'll finish up visiting some other kick ass blogs and commenting till my fingers get sore. Then, I'll tread back here to reply to the kick ass psychos on my previous post!
Till next time you guys!

BALL TAP=ALARM CLOCK

2011-04-14T11:19:00.000-07:00

I'ma make this a quick one today since I woke up a few minutes late. Damn snooze button gets my bitch ass into a lot of trouble, but I love it so.

I had to wake my man up to alarm him about my punk ass being late, but he looked so peaceful sleeping. All sexy spread out across the bed in his boxer-briefs. He told me once before while he was in the Army that it was standard procedure to tap a dead body in the balls just to make sure they were in fact road kill. That was to just cover their own asses. If they didn't do it, it would be very possible for the "dead-ringer" to turn around and blast their asses in the back.

With that running through my sick head as I was freaking out about my lateness, I tapped my honey bunny right in the balls. That shit was better than coffee. His eyes shot opened like he was being stabbed and rolled out the bed like he was being robbed. I don't think I'll be doing that again, but I'm just glad that I did it at least once before I died.

Oh well, I'll be back in a few hours you guys and I'll be raping your blogs some more and I'll be commenting back on my previous post ;) Kisses!

ORGASMS=ONE HAPPY SISTA

2011-04-12T08:44:00.000-07:00

I had this face for an hour

Orgasms should be patented and processed into a freaking pill then approved by the FDA! Seriously, if they keep me from killing people on a daily basis, I'm sure they would create a lot of peace in the world.

I don't know about the rest of you folks, but when I go without some loving, especially some self-love, I get a little crazy. My mood is shot and I'm instinctivly on the hunt to do someone some harm. I'll have a major attitude for no damn reason really and morph into a super bitch--if you wanna get real.

I didn't connect the dots to this epiphony until last night. I was bitching to my man about the dishes not being put away correctly, I tracked him down while he was studying and bitched about the carpet needing to be cleaned and I even barged in when he was ~~taking a shit~~ having a video conference and started bitching about how I needed more help around the house. Literally, I was giving him hell! Good old 'Sista Soulja' hell. (Google that shit!)

My man is either really in tuned with what I need to keep my sanity, or he just knows women in general. Nah, I'm tripping! I caught him on my blogger account reading THIS and I'm sure he found some inspiration there!

I went into the bedroom and immediately starting yelling and bitching at my man some more! I was yelling at him like he told me my weave looked cheap! Then, before I knew it...he...well....hmmmmmm flashback..... he gave me something to scream about if you know what I mean!

Soon there after, I was in the kitchen making his ass a sandwich, then making arrangements to get the carpet steam cleaned and started hand washing the dishes. What the hell just happened? At the end of the night I was giving him some peace and quiet to himself. Notes to the fellas, if you see your girl's head twirling 360 degrees and she's screaming like her drawers are on fire...give her something else to scream about. Wink, wink!