Coloring Outside the Lines

Black Girl Nerds

2014-03-06T23:17:00.001-07:00

Just learned an new term today thanks to City Girl Goes Digital. The term is blerd - a nerd of African American decent. It's a fascinating term in which one may automatically think of Steve Urkiel. But, it goes beyond that stereotype. It's the enjoyment of things like sci-fi, video games, technology, some social awkwardness, and list of other things that define nerdom or geekiness. I didn't think I fell into that category until I started dating my boyfriend. He said I scored major brownie when I used Star Wars references correctly in a conversation. And, that we both read Robert Heinlein and loved indie rock. He allowed my inner geek/nerd to come out and be fully loved and embraced.

It's wonderful to see other black girls proudly proclaim their nerdiness. There is a tribe of women who break the mold and show that other voices exist. The woman who created the blog, Black Girl Nerds did a Google search on the words and didn't get any search results. She created her blog so other girls like her (and me) could find a community and a place to express themselves without judgment. I'm proud to say I am a black girl nerd too!

Weird Al Yankovic shows off his nerdiness in this video. Funny, it's alot of things that nerdy girls like too. And, nerdiness has no color.

Photography 101

2014-03-05T21:56:00.001-07:00

I started my photography 101 journey today. I signed up for an online photography class to learn how to shoot in manual instead of auto mode. I downloaded Photoshop and Lightroom based on a March only offer from Adobe (you can pay $9.99 a month for both and other things). You only have until March 31st to get in on the deal. I will be taking classes on how to use both.

It is an exciting journey because I love taking photos because I can think about the process and not the product. I have fun playing and seeing the images I have captured. My family and friends enjoy my photos so much that some family members are stealing my photos and creating photo gifts. I going to start charging. But seriously, I miss having the creative outlet that gets the juices flowing. I'm ready for the next level by pushing my self out the comfort zone. To find those things that make you happy is key. Allow yourself to go back to the beginner's mind where everything fresh and new. No pretense and clutter. Just freedom. Life is too short to keep your passions down.

Unraveling with Susannah Conway

2014-02-26T22:45:00.001-07:00

I discovered Susannah Conway on the Chookloolonks blog. Susannah's blog inspired me deeply as she presents an authentic journey in the blogosphere. I'm reading her book, This I Know: Notes on Unraveling the Heart. The book is helping the creative girl to come out of her shell. I'm learning not to be afraid while unpeeling the heavy layers from my heart. Armor that has protected most of my adult years. Keeping me sheltered from the storms of life like relationships, work, family and friend issues,and health problems. It's easy for me to retreat and put on the mask of strength and unwavering. But, it takes a toil as the emotions bury themselves deeply since there is no other place to go. It's easy to display my masculine energy because the world rewards it. Yet, alot of us women collapse by the weight of it. Afraid to show our softer feminine side. The vulnerability and emotional tangle of wires that makes us whole women. Hiding is easy for my passionate side too. It can be overwhelming to some people so I bury it too. So, life becomes a daily mix of squashed dreams, unmet expectations, and fear. The authentic me is screaming to come out and fly. With wings flapping like a butterfly, I long to soar above all of the junk and land into a peaceful valley of rest and restoration. Freedom lives there and she calls me. Giving me a new name of wanderer, sometimes anchored or untethered.

Finding beauty and magic in ordinary days have been a struggle in the past. It's easy to focus on the practical and functional. Everything around me was functional. Even my past apartment, a place that was supposed to be a home. In my new rental house, I'm making it a home. A place of sanctuary and refuge. To restore a tired and burned out woman who longs to do some other type of work. Susannah is helping me to unravel and find that safe place to explore hard feelings and expectations. Especially when I have played the role of the responsible one most of my life. It is not a greelight to jump off the deep end and not be responsible. But, to let go, surrender, and let God lead my spirit. To help move me into new seasons of life. I don't know all of the details and plans. But, I sense the mounting adventure. An adventure that more women should embark on. God has made us into beautiful creatures, surging with intuition and creativity. We shouldn't hide our light. But, to shine brightly because we can help with the healing of this world. We just need to get out of our own way.

Susannah offers e-courses like Blogging from the Heart, The Sacred Alone, and Journal Your Life. I look forward to taking some of those courses. This is my butterfly year, coming out of the safe cocoon and exploring the world with new eyes, creativity through writing and photography, and getting more into touch with my feminine side. I'm thankful for bloggers like Susannah and the other women who are shining in the blogosphere. Thank you for your voices.

Image courtesy of Layout Sparks.com

Surrendering the Control Freak

2014-02-19T23:00:00.000-07:00

Hello, my name is Denise and I am a control freak. It gives me good comfort to overly plan and give direction to my life. It is truly hard to surrender to God. I'm at a crossroads where I am ready to stop doing project management. Where next steps are laid out for me. In my mind, it means complete career change and going back to school. Ideas like becoming a front end web developer cross my mind. I can learn to code, be creative and analytical and still make good money. Makes perfect sense to marry the creative with practical without a major cut in pay. But, does it make my heart sing? Does passion ooze out when I'm trying code HTML? To be honest, not really. What I truly want to do is to write, blog, take pictures, and teach women how to find their butterfly side and be beautiful. I don't know how to make a living from that. Right now, it is a series of hobbies that I secretly want to do full time. But like the Cage the Elephant song goes "I've got bills to pay. I've got mouths to feed. There's nothing in the world for free." I agree. I don't have the luxury of having a patron husband who will let me dabble creatively. I get overwhelmed with thought of going back to school. The daily exhaustion prevents my poor brain from adding anything else. A part of me wants to ride out the journey and see if God will answer the prayer for a new job. A new direction while using my current skills. I'm trying to be open but I'm afraid. The fear of not having enough money keeps in me in the daily grind. It's motivation to stay a project manager and try to make the best of it. To praise God in this circumstance. As much as I want to do something different, I don't know what that is except it fuels the fire to leave the current job. Don't get me wrong. I will not quit now. But, I pray for another internal job where my skills can transfer. All I want is a less demanding job. I pray daily for this opportunity, trying to rest in His presence. I have been reading the devotional Jesus Calling. It mentions that excessive planning (a.k.a. control freak) becomes an idol. It is my comfortable and justifiable idol. It is hard to let God take over. Especially when don't know what lies head. It is like walking in a fog and only seeing the few steps in front of you. I will try to have open hands and trust the journey even when I can't see it clearly or understand it. I will try not worship that idol of excessive planning. I know I will stumble. But that is okay. God knows my heart.

Go Out and Play

2014-02-07T07:14:00.000-07:00

I miss the creative little girl who used to jump off her grandparent's garage, arms flapping and feet pointing down pretending she was a secret agent running from rouge spies. Or bionic like Jamie Summers and Steve Austin (for those who you who aren't kids of the 70s will have to Google this). I wrote my own books. Stapling college ruled sheets of paper together, writing the text and drawing the illustrations. I wrote stories about brave girls on adventures that fought dragons and dinosaurs. That little girl wasn't worried about critics or reviews. She enjoyed the magic of imagination, the beauty of ordinary days of after school play or summertime frolicking. Yet, she grew up and put away her fairy wings and wand. Instead, put on a shell of practicality. That's what grown ups do, they say. They say play was for children. Play is not just for children. It is for all of us. The world can be ugly and bleak some days. Or mundane, busy, and exhausting. We need room to play. To create for the sake of creating. To make messy things and to get messy. Our hearts need it. Our souls cry out for it. We are created in God's image, the ultimate creator. He is the master artist and craftsman. Molding, shaping, and building us and this amazing world of ours. We have the need to create because it is God breathed into us. It's not about labels like I'm a writer, I'm an artist, I'm a photographer. It's about I'm a truly loved by God and I create because ... (fill in the blank). It is your canvas. It is your clay. It is your pen. You have the freedom to express and play. Play is one of my theme words for 2014. I will have to remind self everyday to do something fun. Even if it is for 10 minutes. Find a child to play with. He or she will remind you of the little boy or little girl you used to be. Go out and play!

Changes

2014-02-03T22:14:00.000-07:00

I had mentioned before that I'm switching gears on my blog. The focus will go beyond singleness and more about being a woman who is emerging out of her shell. Blossoming into a butterfly. Learning to be more free and no longer hiding. Breaking out of the cocoon that was smothering and life stealing. To experience the magic of ordinary days. Learning to build a home, a loving nest that offers peace, serenity, and sanctuary from the harsh world. Even though I'm not a mom or a wife, the mommy and DIY bloggers inspire me with their creativity. It gives me the courage to learn more about photography (finding out that I'm am good at it) and write more. Soon, there will be a new blog design and new topics as well as displaying my photos. I don't regret my years writing about singleness. Just ready to write about my amazing loving relationship with my boyfriend. How happy endings do exist. It's how you define happy. It may require adjustment. Being open to new journeys, wild beyond your imagination. I have had to adjust and learn to embrace my hybrid self - corporate worker, writer, blogger, photographer. No need to focus on area but showcase all of me. To allow my God given talents to soar and provide light and a voice. To love and be love. To be vulnerable and spontaneous. It's called the Butterfly Project. It is the goal of coloring outside the lines. Dancing. Twirling. Finding fairy wings and not being afraid to wear them. Finding your inner fearless girl. Learning to play again. Play is the word that kicks off my new year. Having fun with practicality but total freedom regardless of the critics, judges, etc. On this Butterfly Project journey, I want to be an encouragement especially to those who feel alone. So, while my blog design is under construction, here are some of my favorite creative blogs: A Beautiful Mess Smile and Wave Girl's Gone Child Love Taza Maiedae Tea Talk Thank you ladies for all your creative hard work!

Learning to Surrender

2013-12-01T23:03:00.002-07:00

Learning to surrender is difficult for me. I wear the crown of Miss Control Freak and wear it proudly at times. It helps me in my job as a project manager because if I don’t control the project and project team, the project could fail. Yet life is not neat and tidy and wrapped into a bow like that. Sometimes life happens and loved ones make good or bad choices. Failure happens. Disappointment and defeats creeps in. There are times I want to jump and rescue, wearing my codependency badge like a proud Girl Scout. Yet, I know it causes friction in my relationships. Concern becomes nagging. And, nagging shuts off communication. I do it because I don’t want to witness the failure or missed opportunity. Yet, as God as created me with my own will, He has created others with theirs. He has allowed them free will to make their own life choices. God doesn’t need my help. Meaning that I have to remove each finger that holds on tightly to the circumstance or situation. The outcome is in God’s hand. The person will either listen to God or not. Let the chips fall where they may. Sometimes, God brings in wise people to help individuals. I hope that I fall into that category. After graduating from the school of hard knocks, I hope that I have a small nugget of advice to share. But, God reminds me to do catch and release fishing. Reel them with the nugget and then let them go. Let them swim freely and pray that they don’t get caught in traps. I can see the hungry fisherman across the lake, pole in hand, licking his lips as he thinks about the delicious grilled trout on his dinner plate. I hope they swim on and laugh at his fake bait. It’s what surrender looks like. Not pretty but necessary. One of these days, I will completely give God my crown and badge. Until then, I will have to keep myself in check with God’s help.

Shifting Gears

2013-11-19T20:34:00.000-07:00

I haven’t posted in a while. I know. But, I have been burned out by single life and writing about it. It became my identity. I was afraid of being that woman of a certain age who was bitter and cynical about love. I had given up. At one point, I believe it existed only for other women who knew how to crack the code or apply the elusive formula that a lot of us didn’t know. It is not a secret formula. It is self-love. My self-love had to start with a lot of deep healing. It started with books like Calling In the One and The Soulmate Secret. It’s the type of healing where pliers and flashlights are needed to travel through the dark caves. Walking through, old skeletons of bad dates and lackluster boyfriends are shackled to the walls. And under a protective bell jar sits a broken heart pieced together with bits of duct tape. A light shines on it. God’s light. I finally realized that I needed the protection. Guarding my heart from guys who like to crumple up my heart and toss it carelessly after I give it to them. Then, I gave God the key and He began the doctor work. Days of surgery with no Novocain. Tears falling without warning as the pain surfaced from allowing past boyfriends to hurt me so I wouldn’t be single. Flashbacks of being the girl of an Alpha Male. Long story. Another blog post.

God showed me that fake love was not better than real love. Crumbs from a table doesn’t make a whole meal for a hungry girl. To live by the mantra – it is better to be single than in a bad emotionally abusive relationship. I never thought I would be that girl. But, I see how easily I was lured into it and how my fears kept me in it. Believing that I couldn’t find anyone better especially since it was hard to find that guy. I kept the secret that I was a smart girl on the outside, but a doormat on the inside. I lost my voice. My fight. The feisty girl was silenced. Voice stripped. Body buried underneath the leaves where no one could find her. Not even me. But, when I found my fight back, I dug her up, resituated her, and promised her I would never let any man do that to her again. So, I remained single. Dating occasionally. Cutting guys off at the pass when they exhibited those Alpha Male tendencies. Or just the plain dysfunctional ones. No more dates with guys who asked about my credit score over a Starbucks latte. Then one day, something wonderful happened. I met the boy of my dreams. A wonderful man who is a Christ follower too, loves the same kind of music, humor, and movies. Who finally sees me and accepts me. Who cherishes and loves me. I love him too from my healed heart. A healed heart attracts a healthy drama free relationship. A formula that I love.

So, I embrace the new identity. One that goes beyond just being a single girl lost in the relationship jungle. I’m shifting gears with my blog. I want to explore the other sides of me that I have ignored in the pursuit of a relationship. My writing and creativity. My rekindled love of Jesus Christ that has been pushed aside for several years. Long story. Another blog post. I have been the Prodigal Daughter. But, I have come home and have fallen into the arms of my heavenly father. He loves me and accepts me even though I have been gone for a while, approaching him covered in filth and rags. Restoration is happening all parts of my life. I’m grateful. It will be the new journey I will take on my blog.

Quinoa is My Favorite Comfort Food

2013-08-01T19:47:00.001-07:00

Quinoa is my new favorite comfort food. Sushi was number one. But, due to budget constraints, it will become number two. Most people have a love affair with macaroni and cheese, pies, Hostess Twinkies(remember the uproar when Twinkies would be no more last year). Yet, for me, I'm unique. My new love is actually healthy and ancient. When I eat quinoa, either savory (black bean tossed with a herb vinaigrette) or sweet (brown sugar, honey, coconut flakes, and dried fruit), the quinoa kisses all of the parts of my body that I have neglected. Or beaten to a bloody pulp with hamburgers, fries, and my oh so junky pal - butter popcorn at the movies. My body signs Hallelujah that good stuff is coming down the hatch like a charming lover who lingers after a bottle of Merlot, candles, and soft rock after the second date. Your body yearns for the deliciousness and you give in. But, this time, it is not sinful temptation whispering dreamy promises in your ear. It's bundles of whole grain joy that spring to life when open. It's my happy carbs. My body rejects white carbs like potatoes, pasta, bread, and rice. It swells and puffs like a Cheeto. My 40 something body who longs for the figure of the 20 something high metabolism me who ate nacho cheese Doritos and Oreos while watching Beverly Hills 90210 in college. The girl who use to eat tater tots with lots of ketchup and salt for her lunch entree. Since time travel is not offered yet, I have to let my 40 something body have smart carbs like whole grains, fruits, and veggies. Even wine is a carb that I have to partake less. So, for those of us who are of a certain age, fear not. Quinoa is packed with nutrients and protein to keep you fulll longer. So, be brave. Try something different. Quinoa is available at most grocery stores and trendy restaurants. Who knows? You may have a new comfort food like me that is friendly to the booty spread and so friendly to your health starved body.

Why a Beautiful Woman Like You Isn't Married?

2012-11-09T13:25:00.000-07:00

As a never married no kids 41 year old woman, I get the same question a lot – “Why a beautiful woman like you isn’t not married?” Certain days, I let the backhanded compliment roll off. Other days, it makes me ponder why people would say that. It makes an assumption that if you are physically attractive = wedding ring on your finger. If that is the case, then only attractive people should be married. The formula should work because all you have to do is show up, look good, and now a guy is proposing to spend the rest of his life with you. If attractiveness was the only reason why people got married, it leaves out a lot of married couples. But, I think this attitude exists on some level because I get it a lot. Ironically from a married people.

Other ideas that have been thrown at me – You are too picky, you are too intelligent, you are intimidating, and you are too attractive. You know these things scare men. Which isn’t true because I know and seen a lot of men married to beautiful, smart, and successful women. There are probably all kinds of sociological factors such as a lot of African American women are not married because our pool of eligible African American is nonexistent since a lot of the men are in jail, killed, etc. And, that a lot non-African American men tend not to marry African American women. But, I know some African American couples and interracial couples where the African American is the wife. So, it’s not impossible. It could be I’m too quirky in the sense that I don’t fit the mold and it’s hard to find a man that will accept that about me. Me, a mix of creative and pragmatic, likes all kind of music including rock, country, and soul, loves football (Go Patriots!), worships in an Anglican church instead of a traditional African American church, has friends of different colors, economic backgrounds, beliefs (political, religious, etc.). I know that I’m definitely original and it can unnerve some men. I used to diminish myself in hopes of attracting more men. But, as I have gotten older, I realized that I have to be me. It is a soul killer to be something that you are not in order to make people comfortable. I would rather stay single than have to let those parts of myself die.

Bottom line is if I’m supposed to be married, it will happen. It has nothing to do with how I look. It’s part of it but not all of it. I say thank you to those who say that I’m beautiful and try not cringe about the why not married part. It’s insensitive because everyone is not married or has children. And, nothing is wrong with them. It could be from choice or it just hasn’t happened yet. It’s sad that we perpetuate this homogeny in order to keep people comfortable. For some reason, we are afraid of differences and we don’t try to get know those who aren’t like us. Or imagine walking in their shoes.

I represent a minority – women over 40, never married and childless. But, we do exist. I thank God that I have found that tribe of women this year because it’s nice to be able to speak your language in world that doesn’t understand you. To bond over statements like that and realize that we have to have a voice in a world that is paired off with children. I don’t resent married couples and couples with children. I am happy for them because they make my life rich. But, I know that sometimes they don’t understand that I’m not like them. But, that’s okay. We are still friends and family. My life is full and rich just as their lives are. Marriage may happen. Or it may not. I’m not sweating it anymore. Life is way too short.

Unlikely to Find God

2012-11-06T12:50:00.001-07:00

Right now, I'm reading books by Heather King. I discovered her in the Dollar Tree book bin about her alcoholism and journey out of it. Now, I'm on the second book as she is now sober, married, and has joined the Catholic Church. She mentions that she would be the last person to follow Jesus Christ but she relates to how he loved the suffering and the outcasts. She was the most unlikely person to find God. But, her life has changed because her surrender to his mercy and grace. She is similar to Anne Lamott who became a Christian after her bout with addiction and bulimia. Her non-Christian friends are amazed that she attends the church every Sunday that took her in when she hit rock bottom and was pregnant. She gives conservative Christians fits because she doesn't fit that mold with her honest writing about her relationship with God. Both King and Lamott fall into that category of subversive Christian girls who are not afraid to show their humanness but still have the ability to accept the grace given by God who loves them despite themselves.

I was one of those unlikely to find God as well. My non-Christian friends were surprised that I became one of those people at the age of 27. I used to be an anti-Christian intellectual agnostic at my liberal arts college. But, I felt lost as I hit my twenties. Nothing made sense and depression had hit me. My intellectualism didn't help me through my sadness. In the tears and darkness, there was still a small faint light of hope. As I uncovered it, I realized it was God calling me and offering me grace, mercy, and love. I became a Christ follower ever since. Despite the issues in the church and Christians who don't act Christ like, I still follow like King and Lamott. Like CS Lewis. Like Johnny Cash. Like Alice Cooper. It's sad that there are not alot of positive protrayals in the media. As soon as you say that you are Christian, you are judged automatically. Which is sad because I don't fit the one-dimensional characature that is seen in movies, TV, and the news. I'm more complex just like anyone else. The difference is that I worship at an Anglican church instead of a Jewish temple, Muslim mosque, or those who don't worship God at all. The commonality brings us together more than we know especially around social justice issues like fighting for the poor and the oppressed. Once we get pass labels, we can do alot more together than separate.

My life has changed. It doesn't mean my life is easier. It means I can pray and surrender all of the pain, fear, and anxiety to God. God is mysterious and sometimes answers prayers. Sometimes He doesn't. Doesn't change my relationship with Him. So, when you hear stories of those people who are unlikely to find God, their stories of are of amazing grace. To risk losing friends and family to worship a God that is usually misunderstood in our American culture. But, you can see that their lives have been transformed in ways that baffle you. Especially if you knew them when. Once the alcoholic, now sober and serving the poor in a soup kitchen. Once the drug addict, now sober and writing incredible books like Bird by Bird and Traveling Mercies. Once the skeptic, now the believer who suprised all of her college friends. I appreciate Heather King and Anne Lamott. They inspire me.

New Creative Journey

2012-11-05T10:57:00.002-07:00

Starting a new creative journey soon. It’s scary because it is new. Anything new has that factor of the unknown mixed with the fear of falling on your butt and making a fool out of yourself. But, I feel a tug that has been with me since a child. I want to take photos. I journeyed into the world of video production in college and hoped to capture life stories via documentaries. But, life took over and I had to pay student loans and eat. So I abandoned visual storytelling and jumped into the world of advertising and marketing, managing projects that consists of creative output from writers, designers, video producers, and photographers. Yet, I’m still that little girl who loved to create her own books, write stories, and play with cameras and camcorders. I know that I can’t draw, paint or sculpt. But, appreciate the talents of those that can. In college, I took numerous art history classes with my favorite being the History of Photography. It was great for those who can’t do but love the art form. My favorite is black and white with its haunting shadows and beauty captured outside of color. I long to tell visual stories again to accompany my writing. Lately, if feel like it have been keeping the creative girl in bondage, justifying why I can’t let her out because I have to work my process oriented job and need to dedicate my energies to it. Or my personal life doesn’t allow me the quiet space to create. But, they are all excuses. Excuses hiding the fear of abandoning to that wild and playful self who doesn’t need to color in the lines. I read that learning other creative expressions helps with your primary one. And, for me, I want to explore a photographer’s journey. I’m open to learning something new because life can get stagnant if you allow it. I will be buying a digital SLR camera in the next few days. Then, I have joined some photography Meetup groups to start learning and have others help me in this process. I’m that little girl excited for the first time in a long time. I’m that add mix of creative and pragmatic with a lot of times the pragmatic side winning out and telling the creative side to be quiet. But, it’s not allowing me to be authentic self. Just a walking mask of “should” and “supposed to bes” to appease those who think creative expression is frivolous. In my hurried up life, I zoom past the beauty around and ignore its healing and calming presence. My soul longs for beauty in a world that focuses on the negative and invites us add fuel to that fire. Photography will help live the cliché – to stop and smell the roses, capture the laughter and smile of small child, the exquisiteness of bowl of linguine with white clam sauce, and document my family history as we all grow older and add to our family. If I’m brave enough, I will be sharing my photos along with my blog posts so you can share in my journey as well.

Goodbye Great Aunt Mary Jane

2012-10-19T08:53:00.000-07:00

My great aunt Mary Jane died early this morning. Most people are not close to their extended family. But, my family is different. We feel it’s important to nurture the relationships with those who are close by and those who are far away. As the sadness and tears hit me this morning, I realize that she wouldn’t be there to tease me anymore. She was my grandmother’s baby sister – so full of life, joy and fun. My grandparents and I used to visit her in Louisiana when I was a child. Summer vacation consisted of road trips to Clinton, a small town outside of Baton Rouge. She lived in a house that was propped up on stilts, a normal thing for those living in Bayou country because of the hurricanes and flooding. I remember crawling under house and playing with the stray kittens. I don’t know where their mother was but I could hear their faint meows as we sat in living room. I would sneak out of the house with bowls of milk and crawl on my hands and knees into the dimly lit area. I was small enough that I could sit with my legs crossed with kittens squirming in my lap and climbing my legs. My grandmother was mad at me because she was afraid that I would encounter snakes, rats, and other swamp creatures that use to scare her as a child. Or I would catch ringworm. But, my focus on was those kittens. My great aunt would defend me as she let me explore and find the other adventures in her yard. She used to call me Genie because I started reading that the age of three. While riding in the car with her and my grandmother, I use to read the road signs like stop, yield, and the fast food restaurant signs. She told me that story each time I talked to her on the phone. She laughed and said how that amazed her. And, I enjoyed her visits to Colorado. But, my great aunt had this fear of mountains. Not heights. But mountains. We live at foot of Pikes Peak. So, no mountains close by. But, my grandmother would drive us into the mountains and pretend like she lost control of the car. She pretended plummeting off the cliff was imminent. My great aunt yelled and screamed as my grandmother terrorized her. We laughed with tears pouring out of our eyes. (Yes, my family has a weird sense of humor). I guess it’s the big sister/little sister teasing in which I got to participate. Fond memories. With her passing, I know that she loved all of us. Her nieces and nephew - my mom and her siblings. And, all of their children which includes all my cousins and me. And, that she truly loved her big sister –my grandmother. We will miss her greatly.

The Dating Life of a Single Woman over 40

2012-10-03T15:57:00.000-07:00

An interesting thing has happened when I hit my 40s. Especially when it comes to online dating. I didn’t have a problem getting dates during my 30s. A lot of first dates and very few long-term relationships. But, it seems that well has run dry. At first, it made me self-conscious. Was I attractive enough? Was I interesting enough? What was different? I discussed this with my other 40-something single female friends and they lamented the same thing. They are not getting a lot of dates online or offline. And, they are beautiful, brilliant, intelligent and funny women. Plus, they don’t even look 40-something. Then, I came across an article about 40-something women who feel invisible online. Most men are searching for women under 40. They prefer younger for some reason. I don’t think it is necessarily to have more children. I think it’s more that it makes them feel younger.

So, it makes me wonder, can we turn the dating tables like that too? Is there a hidden cougar lurking underneath? I asked my friends. Some roll their eyes and say they don’t want a guy who plays Xbox, eats Frosted Flakes for dinner, and drinks like a frat boy. For me, I have already dated him. But, he wasn’t a cub. He was a 17-year old trapped in a 42 year old body. So, it’s not an age thing. There are younger guys who do those things but want more out of a relationship. And, may find what they are looking for in an older woman. But, I don’t know if I’m ready to explain that a current cub (I mean man) only knows Journey and Foreigner songs from Rock Band. Or that he wasn’t born when we only four TV channels, no microwave, and a rotary phone. I know that’s my hang up. But, I’m trying to imagine dating a man in his 30s. 20s even. Would I freak out like Demi Moore and become neurotic about my younger Ashton? Would I wonder if he would be looking at women his age and secretly desiring to be with them? Or it could be like a family friend who was in a May/December relationship when I was young girl. She was 55 and he was 27. He stayed with her until she died in her 70s. True love. As for the children thing, they ended up raising his niece. It is possible. Getting older makes you open to different type of men. Mostly because your list doesn’t work as much. It’s not about settling but being open to a blue collar man. A younger man. A man of another race. A man from another country.

Some of my friends have given up. They are tired of dating all together because the men they are meeting don’t meet their criteria. The ones they like are already taken. The men that come in their lives have a lot of unhealed baggage which makes them into the Magic Man. They appear, declare love, and go MIA without any explanation. I have been through all of those experiences and I can see how it is easier to stay single. To protect your heart from heartbreak and disappointment. It’s easier to hang with the girls, focus on the career or school, and live a passionate life. It should be like that regardless if you are single or in a relationship. Life shouldn’t be put on hold a single. But, you shouldn’t be shut off to the possibilities of love either if you are living a fabulous life. The future boyfriend or husband would be very happy that you had a life because it means he doesn’t have to fill in the big holes.

Being a single woman in her 40s has been interesting when it comes to dating. I’ve learned a lot about myself and men. And, I’ve come to one conclusion. It gets harder to date when you get older. It requires a patience and perseverance that you didn’t have to have before. And, you need a sense of humor to survive the crazy men that you can meet online and offline. Take it in stride. And, who knows, your dating life will be the next sitcom, one woman play or book. Believe me, I have enough material to write all three.

I Am Enough as a Woman

2012-09-20T15:21:00.000-07:00

As women, we don't say these three words alot - I am enough. With all the roles that we play - girlfriend, friend, wife, mother, daughter, granddaughter, worker, etc, we think we are not enough. That we lack in something. That something that keeps us from being perfect. But, in striving for that perfection, we miss that we are beautiful creatures. Our measuring sticks are too brutal and not forgiving. We need to say to ourselves everyday that we are enough even when work is overwhelming, our houses are not completely organized, we are fighting with a loved one (fill in the blank-husband, boyfriend, friend, child, parent), lack of finances are consuming all our thoughts, another wrinkle appeared around our eyes or lips. We need a break. We need to let ourselves off the hook. I found a website by Tracey Clark called I am Enough. There a postings every day from women who tell the story of why they are enough. No apologies. They may have struggled to get this point. Or they may not feel that way all of the time. Regardless, they have a voice. A voice to break through the negative thoughts that perch in our brains like an evil bird pecking away at our self esteem. Women, arm yourselves. We need you. Without you, the world would be a cold place. Embrace your God given gifts and shine. The world needs your light.

Christian Singleness over 40

2012-09-06T15:54:00.001-07:00

For alot of Christ followers, we didn't image being single, never married and no kids over the age of 40. It is a strange land that exists because you don't fit in the Christian world or the secular one. Ironically, the secular one is alot more graceful when they know your single childfree status. I get more scrutiny from other Christians who want to know the following: why are you not married? Is there something wrong with you? Are you too picky? I didn't realize I had to justify my singleness. All I can say is that it hasn't happened for me. It hasn't been for the lack of trying. Most of my 30s consisted on going numerous dates with no marriage results. Heck, not even alot of long term relationships. It was hard to hear the stories of men or women who met their spouse online and they only had been subscribing for a month. Or only went on dates with three different people and then met their future spouse. Meanwhile, I was slogging through another first date, dealing with all kinds of personalities from Mr. Angry Divorcee to Mr. I Don't Have Any Social Skills. That was the decade of dating discouragement. After my surgery last year which prevents me from having any children and thus turning 40 as well, I approach the new decade of my life with some hope. I don't have the pressure anymore to get married because my fertility window was closing. I can take my time. Dating still hasn't gotten any easier especially now that my patience has decreased with the whole dating process. But, I know that I have prayed for marriage to happen and hope that God answers that prayer. The hardest part is surrender. Unclenching my fingers and keeping my hands open to God. And, accepting that He may not answer that prayer but my life will be whole and fulfilled regardless. I am not less than in God's eyes because I don't have a ring on my finger. So, when people ask me why I'm not married, all I can say is that it must not be God's timing. I have seen God work in other aspects of my life - answering prayer to travel overseas and see the countries on my bucket list, all for free. My job had paid for it. Anything is possible. The key is not get angry, bitter, and cynical. I have been working with a spiritual director for the past month to help me restore and repair my relationship with God. Since He has not answered my prayers, I have allow anger to harden my heart. It's my fault that I have made marriage an idol. It was easy to fall into that well of dark water. Drowning from bitterness and letting bile seep inside my heart. Yet, I realized that it wasn't healthy being apart from God. It is a journey. I'm not completely healed yet. If you are in that place, I suggest your listen to the teachings of Camerin Courtney. She is a 40something never married single woman who used to be an editor for the now defunct, Today's Christian Woman. She writes and speaks about singleness. Catch her class teachings from Willow Creek Community Church. She has given a voice to those of us that feel like a minority especially in the Chrisitan community. It will make you a laugh and provide that encouragement you need when you feel hopeless and lonely. Remember you are not alone. We are a tribe of God's children. He doesn't see a single woman or man. He sees his child that he loves so dearly.

God Loves a Joyful Noise

2012-01-05T12:21:00.000-07:00

Need a laugh? Found this on Matthew Paul Turner's blog, an author that I used to work with in a previous job. I love his blog title, When Christians Can't Sing.

Peace of Mind by Mindy Smith

2012-01-04T17:37:00.001-07:00

A new year gives fresh starts. So, for those of you who have a tough 2011, here is a song to help in your search for a peace of mind and a hopeful heart.

Mindy Smith - Peace of Mind (courtesy of You Tube)

I need peace of mind
and a hopeful heart
to lose this rage
and move out of the dark
I ain't looking for rainbows
or shooting stars
just some peace of mind
and a hopeful heart

I need a peace of mind
and a lullaby
cause theres an angry voice
in my head tonight
tellin' me to do things
that can't be right
I need peace of mind
and a lullaby

and a miracle
for this broken soul
a little miracle
for this broken soul

I need peace of mind
and gentle hand
as I try to change
the way I am
and God forgives me
when I can't
I need peace of mind
and a gentle hand

or a miracle
for this broken soul
a little miracle
for this broken soul

I need peace of mind
and a hopeful heart

Tim Tebow and Jesus Christ

2011-12-19T16:27:00.002-07:00

I’m jumping on the Tebow Time bandwagon and adding my two cents. I don't have a problem with Tim Tebow's vocal belief in Jesus Christ. As a Christ follower, I wouldn't go as far as to call him God's quarterback as alot in the media have dubbed him. I believe that God is answering other prayers besides the ones from Tebow. And, for the Broncos seven straight wins, it has more to do with Tebow's leadership to ignite his teammates and do the impossible than divine intervention. I knew the run would be over when they played the New England Patriots. As a Pats fan, I knew Tom Brady and crew would humble Tebow and beat the Broncos badly. Tom Brady showed how the game is played when awesome QB skill is carried through all four quarters. I like Tebow's heart and how he prayed for the injured Pats player when they carried him off the field. Through more game time and improvements in accuracy when he passes to his moving targets, Tebow will be a QB threat in the upcoming years.

If you watched SNL this past Saturday, they did a skit on Tebow and Jesus. As a Christ follower, I wasn't offended that they did a satirical swipe at Tebow mania. I know some of the Christians that were offended. But, you have to laugh at the absurdity of all. To focus on God answering prayers of quarterback instead of focusing on the prayers of the unemployed, the hungry, poor, and sick. The media doesn’t elevate the local pastor whose church is helping those children who may not get presents this Christmas. It’s because the pastor’s efforts doesn’t sell magazines or get high network ratings. Only the efforts of young quarterback in the prayer position. You have to say God has a sense of humor by using Tebow to bring words like prayer, Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior into a politically correct public arena. And, doing it through another place of worship – football. It’s fun to see the debates on divine intervention vs. actual skill. Regardless if you agree with his beliefs or not, Tim Tebow has made an impact on our cynical society.

Courtesy of Saturday Night Live/NBC Universal (video from You Tube - Charles Prince BKNY post)

Where are the single Christian men?

2011-12-15T12:53:00.002-07:00

As many single Christian women can attest, it can be hard to find decent single Christian men to date. I thought it was an issue for women of a certain age. But, it sounds like it's hitting the 20 and 30 somethings too. These men lack initative. To be bold and ask a girl out, then following up with dating plans. When you meet them online, they put you in a prepetual pen pal state as they send several long email essays with endings like "we should get together, so call me or text me sometime". You go along with the program since he writes the right words like "I believe that God should be the center of communication" and "communication is important to me to express I how feel, good and bad" and "I believe that conversation should happen in person and not over alot of emails". Words that women want to hear cause face it, we all want men who do communicate their feelings well and we don't want to email forever.

But, time goes on. You may have moved off the dating website to texting. You keep texting while waiting for the first date invitation. Still nothing. You realize he is asking the same questions from when you were talking on the dating site. He doesn't remember that he has asked you the same questions before. You play along, giving him the benefit of the doubt that his memory may not be good. Deep down, you wonder if it is because he is chatting with alot of women at once and can't keep all you girls straight. Regardless, no date in sight. You don't want to be mean and bitter but you wonder if he is just a good writer and has no plans to meet in real life. Or that he just likes the female attention.

It also happens when you meet them in singles group or Bible study group. These men who enjoy their singleness and the attention of all the single women in their group since the female to male ratio is higher. They don't have to take initative because alot of women pursue them. I'm starting to think the Christian men who actually take the lead and make things happen are already married.

It's not just Christian men. It appears to be alot of men in general regardless of the reglious affiliation that don't take initative. With articles like The End of Men and Why Men are in Trouble, it is a cultural problem that is getting more exposure. I don't know if alot of boys are being raised to be men of action (outside of video games) and leadership. Or if they are intimidated by the success of women's achievements in education, work, and personal finances. What ever the issue is, I don't know what the cure could be. Only to hope and pray that there are some single men who can rise above it and shine. And, that they ask women out and make it happen.

Praying for a Husband

2011-12-14T16:16:00.001-07:00

There are a group of single Chistian women who fast and pray every Monday for a husband. I read about them and pondered the idea of following suit. Like a good marketing campaign (I know this because I work in marketing), there are testimonies that God answered their prayers and these women got married. I am happy for them but my skepticism came out. It's how I'm wired. I question every thing and not take it at face value. For some reason, a part of me sees this aligning with the prosperty gospel - "pray to God to bless you financially and money will show up unexpectedly." Don't get me wrong. I believe that prayer works. But going down this path feels like I'm making God be Santa Claus, giving Him this list of desires to fulfill. Author Anna Broadway was able to articulate this better than me.

Currently, I'm 40 years old and never married. I have dated but none of those men took it to the next step and proposed. I have had to accept that it may not be God's will for my life to marry. My mom (who is more faithful in this area than me) believes it is the wrong timing. That God will answer the desire of my heart. Yet, I know God doesn't answer every prayer. If marriage does happen, it would be a miracle and not from anything that I'm doing. I told her hopefully it doesn't happen at the nursing home when I'm 70. But, anything is possible.

So, I'm living life and not making it a big search anymore. I spent most of my 30s looking for that husband through online dating. Wasting alot of time on first dates that didn't go anywhere. Or dating men that lacked the qualities I needed for a healthy relationship. I don't want my 40s to mirror the last decade. It helps that I no longer can have biological childen. The pressure of getting married before the fertility window closed was so strong that finding a husband took priority over most things in my life. No more. The goal now is to continue growing with existing friendships and seeking out additional friends. And, getting love from my family.

As for praying for a husband, I will work through the skepticism. And, if God does answer that prayer, you will get a wedding invitation.

Heart Like Mine

2011-12-05T17:27:00.003-07:00

When I'm listening to the song Heart Like Mine by Miranda Lambert, I think alot of conservative Christians would be appalled with her lyrics.

Even though I hate to admit it
Sometimes I smoke cigarettes
The Christian folks say I should quit it
And I just smile and say "god bless"

Cause I heard Jesus he drank wine
And I bet we'd get along just fine
He could calm a storm and heal the blind
And I bet he'd understand a heart like mine

She flaunts her humanity, the nature that allows her to be honest about herself. That she doesn't fit in the religious dogmatic box when it comes to her feelings about Jesus Christ. She doesn't sign up to be self- righteous or holier-than-thou but accepts the grace that is given to her. She knows that Jesus would talk to her, learn about her, accept her, and loves her. It's the reason why the religious ones wanted him dead. If you don't believe he could love a girl like her, it is not understanding God's heart. He does understand a heart like hers not the heart of a Pharisee. With that love, she will be transformed and grow as a woman after God's heart.

Lambert understands that when she says
And I'll fly away from it all one day
And I'll fly, I'll fly away
But these are the days that I will remember
When my names called on a roll
He'll meet me with two long stem glasses
And make a toast to me coming home

She knows she can run into the open arms of her Father like a prodigal daughter. The song echoes the faith of Brennan Manning whose memoir, All is Grace, I just finished. He calls himself a ragamuffin who struggles with his demons while knowing how much God loves him as him. Despite the darkness he has tackled throughout his life, he allows God's grace to carry him through. It's not about being perfect but understanding that God loves us, and we can be transformed by it.

In this season of Advent as we will celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, we will be like Miranda Lambert with our heart anticipating acceptance and grace. We will fly away to where there are no more tears and no more pain. All will be new and we can feast at the banquet table with the One who loves us and celebrate our hearts.

Country Music Girls Sing the Best Relationship Songs

2011-12-05T12:49:00.004-07:00

Didn't use to be a country music fan. But listening to songs from Miranda Lambert and Lady Antebellum, the lyrics are swaying me over to that side. Country singing girls know how to tell like it is when it comes to men and relationships. Their lyrical tirades let those men know how they feel and let us fans articulate what we need to say in a catchy 3 minute tune. These songs are a great elixir for the breakup blues or relationships that test your patience.

Miranda Lambert - Baggage Claim

Lady Antebellum - Long Gone (here is a song that sums up my recent relationship situation)

It's so like you just to show up at my door
And act like nothin's happened
You think I'll sweep my heart up off the floor
And give it to you
Like so many times before
You're talking to a stranger
I'm not that girl anymore

[Chorus]
That girl is long gone
Boy you missed the boat it just sailed away
Long gone
She's not drowning in her yesterdays
Betcha never thought I'd be that strong
Well this girl is long gone

Don't waste your breath with baby baby please
Cuz I am so not listening
Don't bother getting down upon your knees and try to beg me
I'm tired of how you twist the truth
You're not talking to the same girl
Who used to forgive you

[Repeat Chorus]

Gone like the wind under Superman's cape
Like a thief in the night I made the great escape
I'm not the kind of girl that keeps making the same mistakes

[Chorus]
That girl is long gone
Boy you missed the boat it just sailed away
Long gone
I'm not drowning in my yesterdays
Betcha never thought I'd be that strong, betcha didn't
Yeah well baby I proved you wrong
This girl is long gone, long gone
This girl is long gone, long gone
This girl is long gone
This girl is gone

Celebrating C.S. Lewis

2011-11-22T11:03:00.000-07:00

Today a lot of people will remember this day as it is the anniversary of John F. Kennedy’s assassination. It happened before I was born. My mom remembers the day vividly with news being announced in her middle school classroom. His assassination as well as his brother’s, Martin Luther King, and several others sent the sixties generation into a free-for-all. Belief in institutions like government, schools, and church eroded because the world no longer seemed secure. And, they felt that those institutions couldn’t protect them.

That skepticism still resonates to this day as that attitude about church was passed down to me. Because of a bad church experience, my mom didn’t make go to church as child. Religion would be my choice. As I got older, I wasn’t an atheist. More of an agnostic, believing in some higher power. I couldn’t wrap my arms around certain religions like Christianity. And, most of the Christians I met were judgmental and self-righteous. I prided myself on my intellectual abilities, bragging that I didn’t need God even though inside I felt empty and lost. At the age of 27, from listening to ad on a pop radio station, I started going to a church geared toward skeptical Gen Xers like me. It was the first time I heard about Jesus Christ and learned about forgiveness and grace. Jesus was friends with the prostitutes, tax collectors, adulterers, and foreigners. He was radical and revolutionary. Something that a lot of people don’t know about because of the religious dogma that is being spoken instead of His love.

Learning more about Jesus, I became a Christ follower. Reading C.S. Lewis helped to feed the intellectual side of my new belief. Lewis had grown up in the church. But as a teenager, he became an atheist. When he was teaching at Oxford, he became a Christian. Some say it was the influence of J.R.R. Tolkien with whom he met with other writers on a weekly basis in a literary discussion group called the Inklings. His debates and discussions with Tolkien, who was Catholic, led Lewis to embrace Christianity again. He said in his book Surprised by Joy, “he was like a prodigal, kicking, struggling, resentful, and darting his eyes in every direction for a chance to escape.” I can totally relate to this. People who knew me before I was 27 are amazed that I follow Christ. I fought it but couldn’t deny Him anymore. Reading Lewis’ book, Mere Christianity helped to seal the deal. C.S. Lewis’ writings have impacted many regardless of their religious beliefs. Most children and adults love the Chronicles of Narnia.

Today is C.S. Lewis’ birthday. He died the same day as JFK. Yesterday was my grandfather’s birthday who died eleven years ago. He was the only father figure in my life because I didn’t know my father. As he was dying from cancer, he embraced the Jesus he knew from childhood and had walked away from as a teenager, similar to C.S. Lewis. Having that rekindled love for Jesus helped my grandfather to die peacefully and not be afraid of leaving his family behind as he faced death bravely.

November 21st and 22nd will always be special days for me.

Favorite Song of the Day

2011-11-17T17:01:00.001-07:00

Have to feed my inner rock chick