Champ informed me last night that he’s having a party on Monday evening, starting at 6pm, and I “should” be there. Um, what? I don’t know if my trial will be over by then or not, and a party with my former drug buddy is the last thing on my mind right now.

Warm thoughts are appreciated!

Good thing that Dennis is fixing dinner tonight, and caring for the dishes. He’s going to fix the bed while I am taking my bath tonight. Work, work, work. I’m glad University is out for the next three months, so I don’t have exams to attend or papers to grade. Although I would rather be trotting down the isles of medical work stations at the University and cutting arteries on goats for surprise features of exams, and reading grad students suck-up papers than preparing to go to court over something that truly has had my heart tied in knots. It has me second guessing things. Am I doing the right thing? Well, at one time, I think I was conscience enough to not want to be put in a mental asylum, so I assume that I will always never want to go in one. How could I put someone else through it for the rest of their lives? Some one that I care so deeply about? But do I have the will power to take care of another person? Do I have the strength to be the person I once was, or am I going to lay down on the job simply because a few years have passed?

I’m afraid.

Dennis is going away this weekend, on an artist job thing, and I will be alone with my medicines and sickness and children from Friday through Monday. If court is short, I will be, basically, one child more in my care. I have been feeling better since kicking the risperidone, but for how much longer can I possibly fake it? There are so many questions, and I have no answers. I cannot come up with any on my own. I have searched my soul and the text books of my life, that I have been penning since I was eleven, and the answers are not there. That tells me that I am on a new path, one I have never had to take before, and I am afraid. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid of going it alone. Afraid, afraid, afraid.

And that’s not being fair to my family or the people who love and need me.

Leaders aren’t supposed to be afraid. Leaders aren’t supposed to be questioning themselves at the time of a new path to go down. Leaders take lead, and lead their family down that new path with courage and strength. Here I sit packing Vicodin for a court date in the morning, telling myself that I will do fine in the court room as long as I have my narcotics. It’s like spinach to Popeye.

I think the best thing for me to do is go and enjoy myself. It is my day after all! Mommie Dearest was on earlier. What a movie to show on Mother’s Day, huh? There’s a thriller/slasher flick from the late 70′s/early 80′s titled Mother’s Day about some women who get lost in the woods and some demented hillbillies chop ‘em up. I think it was made before the days of Jason. Whenever it was made, it’s one of a thousand reasons why I will not go into the woods to this very day. Only thing better to watch? Sybil. Yeah. Let’s get the child abuse themed movies on today in honor of our mothers! Because nothing says I love you Mom! like watching horrific depictions of child abuse or slashers! Even if it’s watered down with Hollywood-isation, it’s the idea that counts. Remember and celebrate your mother with love, not evil moms or hillbillies gone wild with chainsaws. It’s her day, after all, and mom does a lot for you and everyone in your life. Even if you can’t see what she has done, you know she has been there. You’re gonna miss her when she’s gone, or if she went on strike. I say this from experience.

I have a doctor appointment after work (yes, I’m breaking the rules, blogging from work, so what?), and I am afraid of that appointment as well as what I know he will want me to do. He wants me to go back for observations and other medically unnecessary procedures that I feel uncomfortable in doing. Maybe I should bring that up? Hey, if he can get out of writing me prescriptions that make me feel comfortable, maybe I can get out of psychiatric counseling because it makes me uncomfortable! It’s worth a shot!

Why aren’t people commenting here? Whose leg do I have to hump to get some real comments? Not the spammers that I have to delete every day cuz ID won’t install a simple captcha!