I’m still super sleepy. I dared venture out to the post office today. It’s within walking distance, and there was a package for me at the post office, but when the clerk checked, there was nothing there! I hope it wasn’t those stupid magazines that I never ordered to start with. Oh well. If it was something for my birthday, I’ve already gotten all that I could ever want.

I wish I felt better. I wish that I could have gotten this photo album done today, but I still have pictures that need to be printed, and I couldn’t make the trip to get any of the pictures printed out and then slipped them into a book. I wish I could blame this on laziness, but I just couldn’t force myself to go around and gather up what I needed to finish the project.

I don’t know what I’m talking about anyway. My mother dislikes Chloe more than any adult should dislike a child.

I tried to stay awake through my entire sleepiness episode, but I accomplished nothing. I couldn’t take notes, but at least I didn’t lose my memory in trying to stay awake. One thing that was interesting is that I had random numbness and weakness from the neck down. Strange, and at the time scary as hell! I wish my (asshole!) doctor would see me. He temporarily banned me because I owed him $20 and I didn’t have the cash on me Tuesday. The University has offered to give me a $600 per-paid Visa to help on my bill, from what i owed before i got insurance, if only my doctor will accept it. There’s no reason why he should not accept it, other than being an asshole.

Going to sleep some more. I just can’t get enough.

No stars for me tonight. We’re getting rain and cloudiness for the entire week, and as long as it keeps the heat down, I’m all for it! I can’t stand the super heat.

To I am going to give Dennis a little early Father’s Day present from me. The kids want to make the cake tonight, so if I can stay awake for longer than fifteen minutes at a time, I would love to bake a cake. Maybe that will get my mind off of things, get my mind on other things. Later on tonight, Dennis and I are going to another Couples’ Club party. I really like these parties.

For the first time in years, I got to go to the water park! I never thought I would be able to go just for me, you know? No kids, no other family members, just Dennis and I, gliding over the calm, sparkling water of the Lazy River circle pool, to riding the wild waves of the Ocean Motion wave pool. I even down a huge slide! We had a blast, just the both of us, for my birthday. That may be why I’m so tired today. I know it’s why all my muscles are sore. So sore that I had to pop a tizanidine when I first woke up this morning. By some miracle, AKA sun screen and sun block, I didn’t get burned out there in the warm sun. I sure hated to leave, after spending three hours having so much fun. Coming home, I took a bath and collapsed into the bed. No cake and ice cream, didn’t even open my presents or upload the water park pictures to Flickr, I was just so tired.

So today I get to open my presents, have some cake and ice cream, and have Happy Birthday sung to me. It’s like my birthday is such a big event, it lasts two days!

I think the best present I got was Billy had officially left me alone for six months now. Six whole months of me not having to turn down his advancements. Ahh, peace is wonderful!

Have a fun and safe weekend! Smile! I insist!

Somehow I got home and to my emergency inhaler. Afterwards I had horrible shakes, fever, light headedness, which I still have that last one. Despite taking a cool bath, and turning the air on full blast, I’m sweating.

Why can’t I just be well?

Yesterday I picked up my dad’s Father’s Day gift — a portable chair in blue. I also picked up another bottle from the DKNY Pure collection and two bottles from the Field of Flowers collection. I have yet to use any of those Field of Flowers soap. Maybe I should start?

I know I can’t wash my hair. I can’t reach my head and then I can’t lather my hair once I can get my hands up there. Dennis has been washing my hair a couple of times a week. For the first time in a long time I have been able to appreciate all that he has done around the house, and I feel sad that I tore his band apart. How many other women force their husbands to quit their jobs, give up their liveliness? Maybe it’s time he and I talked this over.

My mother is going to be coming home, so the hospital says, but they said that it’s going to be a long time to rehabilitate her. I’m happy that it’s even a possibility!!

Today was the last day of school for Chloe, and guess what? She didn’t bring home a yearbook or her class pictures. I paid over $150 for two yearbooks and over thirty pictures of her and her class. I’ve already filed a complaint with Josten’s, but I’m not sure how well it will do with the three-day weekend coming up and people just busting to get out of their offices and get to their vacations for the summer. I wish I could relax and have a good start to summer, but the whole idea of losing $150 is really unsettling with me. I emailed the school and they said she wasn’t there on picture day. I know that’s not right because we got a receipt from the photographer.

Working on the site reminded me how bad my back truly is. Cancer eating through a spine is a real doozie. Don’t let it happen to you! Just sitting here for an hour really hurts. So editing the pages, tearing my hair out, crying to Josh via webcam, and all that other shit was truly painful. I hope that if you’re passing this site you at least leave me a comment telling me how awesome I did on the site! Or leave me some constructive criticism! I’d appreciate either/or.

I never got that sex I’ve been craving. I’m sure you wanted to know.

Have a good night!

How could I join a group like that with my desire to stop having babies?

How could I hurt those women with my posts? No wonder they never commented on my journal until I posted about my pregnancy. I am lower than scum for doing that to those women.

Some times I just want to send the kids to the movies with my father in law or mother in law and just have us to ourselves. Or perhaps just run away to the ocean and collapse into each other’s arms in the warm sand with the waves crashing above us.

But I can’t do that. I can’t abandon Zinnia yet, and I have to get Chloe’s school to give me her information about where her school pictures and yearbook went to, James is sick with an ear infection that goes down his throat and Ashe wants attention, dammit! I just can’t keep up with them these days, and I know that I deserve a vacation, but I just can’t do that right now. I’m lucky to go out tonight and see the stars. I’m lucky to sneak a kiss every so often.

After the rain is gone tonight, we’re supposed to have a starry night, and I want to sit outside and wax poetic under the stars with Dennis, whilst deep in love.

Walking to her bedroom, I felt the hallway was a little warmer than before. Opening the door I saw that PoRo was laying on her bed in her favourite periwinkle with white snowflakes and long sleeved dress. She was cradled in her father’s arms as he gently rocked her back and fourth. Her arm was draped over his shoulders, her fingers woven among his tee shirt neckline.

She had died in the night. Her tears had long ceased. Dennis told me he gave her double the dose of morphine, fentanyl and hydrocodone. The narcotics aren’t what killed her. He had given her the medicine after she vomited yellow bile.

I remember the police officer that came to the call told Dennis that he couldn’t help her any more. She was taken away in her favourite dress, her arm reached out, as if begging God to make her death painless and swift. . . For her loved ones. PoRo never really thought of others, but this time she did. That one final gift to others that we all make in the end when we know we’re goners. Her eyes were closed tightly, as if afraid of whatnot was coming next. What ten year old little girl wouldn’t?

We were expecting her to die, but still surprised when it happened. Can anyone really be prepared to watch their ten year old child die?