<![CDATA[Combat Veterans with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - Blog]]>Wed, 14 Sep 2016 23:08:42 -0400Weebly<![CDATA[Shutting Down the Non-Profit:  Back to Basics]]>Fri, 09 Sep 2016 02:53:52 GMThttp://www.combatveteranswithptsd.org/blog/shutting-down-the-non-profit-back-to-basicsSo it's official.  The non-profit is shutting down.  The remaining bank balance is being donated to a local established veterans charity.  It may come as a disappointment and a shock to some of you that it's come to this, but please allow me to explain how all of this has come to pass.
  • ​Funding:  Funding has been next to impossible to come by.  Despite a well-crafted message and strong interest from the community, no one was willing to fund unproven programs to empower veterans or help educate employers, universities, and the general public.  I'm not independently wealthy.  The lack of funding absolutely killed us.  We couldn't ever get any programs off the ground.
  • Personal Needs:  My personal struggle over the last two years is pretty well documented in the blog.  With the divorce and being a dad, I no longer have anyone else to share the financial burden with or the time with our daughter.  When I have my daughter, she is my primary focus.  It means that two weeks out of the month, time is at a substantial premium.  Also, I had to devote much more time to my day job in order to keep a roof over our heads.  Leading the non-profit became a job I couldn't sustain and a time and resource drain I couldn't afford.  Something had to give.
  • Fragmented Support Helps No One:  While we were never able to get our programs off the ground, other non-profits became very well-established in this space - especially in entrepreneurship and PTSD awareness.  What I realized is that I could continue to struggle and squander what little I could raise, or I could join forces with more established groups.  Our community of support is so fragmented that many people don't give because they can't figure out where their money would do the most good.  If we want to help the most people, we need to start thinking about consolidating local non-profits into larger more impactful entities.  I fully intend to lend my talents to support some of them in their cause and be a voice for our community.
Lessons Learned and What's Next
  • Getting Back to Basics:  The past few years have been a serious challenge for me.  While I've managed to cope fairly well, my PTSD has 'mutated' - I'll come back to this in a later post.  What's important to take away from this is that I sorely needed to get back to basics.  Blogging about my struggles is how this all started.  Promoting awareness is my major mission.  By closing down the non-profit, I don't have to shoulder the burden and unbelievable stress of fundraising, administration, finances...all while still trying to find time to blog and still having time to decompress after a long day.  Now I can get back to what has made the most difference in my life and my ability to cope.  Engaging with the community and sharing my experiences.
  • Lending my Talents to Established Programs:  You all know that I firmly believe that entrepreneurship is a hugely viable employment alternative for veterans struggling with PTSD - it's been a revelation for me.  I doubt I'd be employed right now if it wasn't for the opportunity I have to start a company from the ground up.  I plan on lending my talents to two organizations.  Patriot Boot Camp (I'm an Alum) and Bunker Labs in Philadelphia.  Both are providing invaluable education and great programs to help accelerate the success of veterans owned startups.  The only thing missing is PTSD education and how they can help struggling veterans and service members find meaning and a sense of belonging as they transition.  I want to help them keep sight of that part of the mission.
  • Promoting Awareness via the 'Weeping Soldier':  This one is deeply personal to me.  When I commissioned a graphic artist to create our logo, I never imagined it would turn out how it did.  The symbol of the weeping soldier is iconic and is recognized across the country.  What I realized is that we're not doing enough to leverage its power.  Until now, there has never been a singular image that speaks to the invisible wounds of war, how too many suffer in silence, and how too many lose the battle.  I challenge everyone to use this image and promote awareness.  Put it on your social media profiles in solidarity.  I'm releasing our logo and the weeping soldier into the creative commons and encourage other organizations to use this image as a unifying presence - to show we're all in this fight together.  
  • I am challenging the IAVA, Got Your SIx, the VFW, AMVETS, American Legion, the Department of Veterans Affairs, First Family and anyone else who wishes to join me in spreading this message.  Please share this blog post far and wide.  Help us spread the word...

Thank you all for your continued support.  I'm getting back to basics and adding my voice to the choir once again.

Yours in Health,

Max Harris

This image is visceral and evokes a strong emotional response in all that see it. We need a unifying symbol to represent all of us that suffer in silence from the invisible wounds of war.  Use this to raise awareness.  Put it on your Facebook Pages - humanize the struggle.  Make it Personal.  Let this be our clarion call.

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Weeping Soldier
]]><![CDATA[Has it Really Been this Long?  Crossroads]]>Tue, 15 Mar 2016 02:04:54 GMThttp://www.combatveteranswithptsd.org/blog/has-it-really-been-this-long-crossroadsI still can't believe I haven't blogged since last August...

Well, in a way I can.  The divorce was finalized July 30th and it wasn't very long after that my life began to change dramatically.  I don't really know why or how it happened but I just couldn't bring myself to sit down and share anything.

The words just wouldn't come and I was at a loss - because I needed the outlet but just couldn't bring myself to share.  Why was this happening?  Did it mean anything?

After the long hiatus, I think I know what happened:

After everything I had gone through, I needed to step away from everything that I knew so that I could find a way forward for myself.

So here's everything that's happened in the past too many months since I last blogged:
  • I worked a LOT
  • I spent what time I had with my daughter
  • I stopped going to the gym
  • I withdrew from everything except my work persona and being a dad
  • I stopped caring about my health and smoked even MORE heavily than before
  • I stopped being a participant in my own life

And everything felt EMPTY, bereft of meaning, bereft of hope, bereft of happiness - except when I was with my daughter.

and then...

Something started to change in mid-September.  I don't even know why, but I just quit smoking cold turkey on September 15th.  I haven't touched a cigarette since.

By September 30th, I was moved out of the apartment I had been married in and was living in my parents' basement while I looked for a house.

In December, our company was awarded 2015 Emerging Business of the Year and I had been responsible for 700% year over year revenue growth.  As a result of my dedication, I was granted 15% ownership in the company as sweat equity.  I lived for the work I was doing - in total control of my professional destiny.

I moved into a beautiful 1835 sq. foot townhome with my daughter on January 5th.  As I moved in, I started to put all of the stuff back out the way I liked it, reasserting my sense of personality and style.  Things that I didn't realize I had put in a 'box' both literally and figuratively over the last few years of my marriage.

In early February, I joined Title Boxing Club and immediately found my rhythm and routine there, losing 18 pounds and 4 inched off my waistline as of last week.

An then my mom asked me a very simple question:
Are you ever going to blog again?  I don't think you realize how important your blog is to so many.  I know I miss it.  Do you even know why you stopped?
COLD WATER

It made me stop and think.  Why did I stop blogging?  Did I even know when the last time I blogged WAS?  I sat down and I thought about it a lot and I realized something very profound.

I'd been on autopilot, going through the motions and yet...even in my haze of pain and endings, I had somehow found the strength to make new beginnings.

So I'm sitting here and I realized that I am at a crossroads and I've been here before.  I wrote a poem about it:
It is hard to see the good things in life
  when all I have seen has been death and despair.
  Not many have seen It to understand...
  to understand that optimism amounts to naiveté.
  I had forgotten that even if unable to see the source of the light
  A person can still be blinded by its reflection refracting off the surface of his life's dreams shattered.

Reminded of this, to what or to whom does one give allegiance?
  To Love?  It hurts.  To Apathy?  Who cares?

In times like this come the pinches
  when all is forgotten of listless humanity.
  Not many have seen It to understand...
  to understand that violence begets violence and love begets -- Hope?
  I had forgotten that even if unable to make whole a shattered reflection
  A person can decide to look up, take a deep breath, and step into It,
  Submerging self once more to be baptized by Life.
So it's time to make a choice.  I have my daughter, a job I love, a new home, and a fresh start.  What I don't have is connections with other people outside of family and work.  I don't have a social life.  I'm standing here watching my life pass me by like I'm a stick stuck in the mud, wondering why the rising tides of time's passage are making me feel like I'm starting to drown.

It's time to choose - do I fight free so I can float to the surface - OR do I decide to look up, take a deep breath, and step into It, Submerging self once more to be baptized by Life.

Tomorrow will tell.

Sorry it's been so long since the last blog post.  I'm not going to make any promises about where things are going from here.  I'm going to take it a day at a time and see what happens.  Hopefully, you'll join me on this journey.

​
]]><![CDATA[I've Met Someone - And I'm Terrified]]>Tue, 18 Aug 2015 09:01:36 GMThttp://www.combatveteranswithptsd.org/blog/ive-met-someone-and-im-terrifiedYeah, you read that correctly.  I recently met someone.  She's intelligent, passionate about languages and culture, and attractive as hell.  I had a blast speaking with her about cultural experiences and could have talked for hours more.

I have zero expectations and I think we could become good friends.  The problem is, I can also see the potential for something more and it scares the living shit out of me.  I just got through this divorce and I'm not ready for anything else, but...

I find her intellect and her kindness incredibly appealing.  She hung on my every word with keen interest and it's been so long since someone outside of my family or work did that.

My emotions are a jumbled mess.  When she finds out about the PTSD, will she think me irretrievably broken? Do I have it in me to be a good friend?

I never thought that meeting someone who shares so many interests would trigger my PTSD, but there you have it.  The old PTSD fallbacks are pushing to the forefront.  All I want to do is withdraw into myself and avoid the uncertainty.  In my mind, it's also fear of 'inevitable alienation' that's twisting me up in knots.

The catastrophic thinking has me on my heels.  When she finds out I have PTSD, will she think, "I could be friends with this guy, but boy is he a mess.  Do I want to invite this drama into my life?"

This is what I was talking about in my previous post - I've grown in so many ways...but at times, I'm still crippled by low self-esteem, self-doubt, and fear hurting others and getting hurt in return.  So, this is apparently my latest struggle.  I don't want to spend my life alone.  I want to meet and be surrounded by friends who love and respect me.  I want to find someone who's committed to me for the long haul, someone who I can be committed to in return.

And I have no freaking clue how to take that first step.  

Don't get me wrong, I've found a great community at my temple that makes me feel included and respected, but this is something else.  After everything that I've been through, I'm not in any rush to jump into anything.  I just wish I knew how to take the first step without tripping over my own two feet.

I'm a single dad with an energetic almost five year-old. I have PTSD.  I'm a very busy entrepreneur and I have a non-profit to revitalize. I know I need to make time for myself and I can't put my life on hold but when am I supposed to find the time to relearn how to socialize?

If anyone has any ideas, I'm all ears.  I haven't been in the right frame of mind or situation to even think about this when the divorce was still in process.

Still, it feels good to be back and blogging and getting this all out.]]><![CDATA[PTSD and Divorce:  Epilogue]]>Thu, 13 Aug 2015 09:39:28 GMThttp://www.combatveteranswithptsd.org/blog/ptsd-and-divorce-epilogueHello all.  I'm so sorry to have been gone so long.  It's been a very challenging past few months in some ways and a revelation in others.  This is going to be a pretty long blog post, so hold onto your hats.  I have a lot to talk about and it's been too long.
Why I Haven't Blogged in Such a Long Time
With everything going on with the divorce proceedings, I needed to disconnect.  It was killing me not being able to blog about what I was going through.  You see, the thing is, my blogging about my PTSD has always been about sharing what I've learned and what I'm struggling through.  With the divorce proceedings, it wasn't about just me - it was about my ex and about my daughter.  When going through a divorce, there's no possible way to separate the personal from the interpersonal and I had to seriously think about how what I might possibly write might unintentionally negatively impact the outcome of of the divorce.

More importantly, I was seriously concerned about my daughter.  Some day she's going to read this and I don't ever want to write something that could confuse or hurt her.  She loves her mother and she loves her father.  Nothing should ever change that.  Our daughter needs to know that, despite the divorce, she still loved just as much.

I think that the biggest thing is that this divorce was emotional hell.  To be there for my daughter, my everything, I had to compartmentalize what I was feeling until the divorce was official.  Now that the decree has been officially signed by the judge, I can talk about how this has impacted my life, and just mine.  It's a complex mess of emotions and they're coming down on me like a ton of bricks right now.

Which, of course makes this the perfect time to talk about all of this.

So, here goes...
Where Things Stand Now, Personally
For those of you who know a little bit about my story, you know that July 30th is the anniversary of the friendly fire incident.  Well, now it's also the anniversary of the official divorce decree - the ignominious end to my marriage.  Well it's also the birthday of Caley's brand new cousin, born last Thursday, to Caley's aunt on the other side of the family.  What does that mean for me?  It means that I will never get to know him, love him.  I will never get to see him grow up and I'll never have the opportunity to share in the joy that this baby has brought into the world.


Pardon my French but...talk about a mindfuck.


On top of all of this, I had compartmentalized the biggest emotional hurt in all of this - the fact that I am now going to miss out on half of my daughter's childhood is really screwing with me.  The emotional devastation just the thought of that could cause is terrifying to me and, now that the divorce is final, the box surrounding that wonderful little tidbit of joy is spontaneously combusting.


To say that the next few days are going to be rough would be a bit on an understatement.


BUT......

With all of this, I've still managed to make some positive changes.  I've managed to make some friends, one of whom is a fellow combat vet.  The other, his father.  Both of them accepted me as I am, no judgement.  It's a feeling I haven't had in a very long time.  I've even reconnected with a friend I knew back in 2006 and lost contact with.

For the uninitiated, this is big stuff for me.  I had somehow managed to alienate pretty much all friends I had due to my inability to put up with outside bullshit.  My strained marriage was all I could take at the time.  When the marriage effectively ended last August, I couldn't handle the prospect of losing even a distant friend and closed myself off from everyone except for my family.

And then there's my family.  Oh, God, my family.  If they weren't around to shower me with their love and support, I can't even imagine where I'd be right now.  Since the separation, I've grown close with my parents in a way that I didn't think was possible.  With everything going on, we were able to completely look past old hurts and 'circle the wagons', so to speak.

My parents have been amazing.  Their only concerns in all of this were my welfare and the welfare of their granddaughter.  This divorce could have emotionally devastated my daughter.  Instead, she's well-adjusted and emotionally healthy.  A part of that is due to the love my parents made sure to shower her with.  That may sound weird but when all of this was new and confusing for Caley, my parents were there to give her all of the love and support possible to give.  And they were there for me when I didn't have Caley and needed to just cry or vent my anger (the healthy, grief-related kind).  Through everything I went through to get through this past year, good and bad, my parents were there - every step of the way.

And then, on top of all of this, my sister moved back to NYC from Syracuse.  Caley and I have been able to spend more quality time with her in the past year than we have been able to in the past few.  Again, more love and support from family, when we've needed it most.

The biggest positive change has been in how I see myself.  I know I'm a good guy and a great father.  I want to be even better in both of those categories and that's something I'll never, ever stop striving for again.  For the longest time, I'd lost sight of who I was and what I'm capable of.  Being able to feel deep hurt also means you're able to feel deep love and joy and I wouldn't have it any other way.  Some people think showing emotion and feeling deep emotions is a liability and a weakness, but I think it's just the opposite.  My ability to feel everything in my life, unflinchingly and without reservation, is where I derive my strength.  If I wasn't in touch with what I feel, I shudder to think how difficult it would be to cope with my trauma.  The faster you feel what you need to, the faster you confront your trauma, the faster you learn to cope with your trauma.

And. That. Is. COURAGE.

It's a kind of courage that few understand, most either don't or won't acknowledge.  It's what gets me through the rough days and makes the good ones even better.
Where Things Stand Now, Professionally
After years and years of struggling with employment for a decade, I can honestly say I am now living the dream.  I am Chief Business Development Officer of a veteran-owned Cybersecurity startup and I love every minute of my work.  I've really thrived in this new environment and I now have very clear insight into why. Entrepreneurship is, counterintuitively, a perfect environment for veterans with PTSD.  Here's why:
  • In traditional corporate environments, whether management or not, veterans with PTSD are triggered by co-workers not carrying their fair share of the workload (at least from the veterans' perspective).  Additionally, veterans want their voices heard and their ideas to be taken seriously.  All to often, in traditional corporate settings, their voices are ignored and their ideas marginalized.  Being powerless to affect positive change in the workplace can be a major stressor for veterans with PTSD.
  • In the entrepreneurial setting, there are a lot of pressures that stress the average person out.  For veterans, what stresses out most people don't even make them blink.  Let me explain.  Veterans are trained to make the best decision they can with the time they are given to make it in and the information they have available to them at the time.  In a startup, the high-pressure decisions that stress most people out and cause them to lose sleep don't bother veterans because they just make the best decision they can given the situation and, if they learn new information that changes their course of action, they just adjust on the fly.
  • Many of the stressors that trigger veterans with PTSD in a traditional workplace aren't present in the entrepreneurial setting.  Good startups are comprised of small teams of highly qualified, competent people who are fully aware they're going to have to pull their weight for the business to succeed.  Additionally, they're in positions where they are empowered to make changes that positively impact the future success of the startup. 

Needless to say, alleviating workplace stress has had a huge impact on my personal outlook and by ability to cope with my PTSD.
My Spiritual and Emotional Reclamation
After ten years, I have finally gotten to the point where I was ready to explore my emotional and spiritual health.  For the longest time, the only place where I felt like I belonged was in the military.  In the civilian world, I never felt like I had 'people', either before or after my time in the service.  When I started thinking about what to do to re-engage spiritually, I started by looking at where I came from.

My dad's side of the family is ethnic Jewish, but I knew next to nothing about my Jewish cultural heritage.  Well, I became curious to explore my heritage and reached out to a local rabbi.  He told me about the different Jewish denominations and how they believe, without telling me what they were called and asked me which belief structure rang most true to me.

After sharing which denomination resonated with me the most, he referred me to another rabbi.  Well, I met him and discovered that he was a retired Navy chaplain.  My first time attending Shabbat services was Veterans Day last November.  The experience was unbelievable.  The entire service was dedicated to making sure everyone understood the depth and seriousness of the sacrifices made by our service members.  It was surreal.  I felt like I was home, that I belonged somewhere, that I had a people.

I've continued to attend on Fridays when I don't have my daughter and it's helped to make me feel more connected and engaged.  I finally feel ready to reconnect and take the risk to make new friends and meet new people.  How about that?
Post-Traumatic Growth:  Why It's Not Mutually Exclusive from PTSD
I always hated the term.  It's sounds so cliche and for a full decade seemed unobtainable.  I think, on some level, I hated the idea of Post Traumatic Growth because I couldn't imagine that I'd ever experience it for myself.

Well I was wrong.  I've been thriving and growing and becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin, asserting myself more and more.

I've been reticent to acknowledge the idea that I may be experiencing it because so many people equate it with, CONGRATS, you're HEALED!
Ummmm, No? That's not how this works.  While I am experiencing a personal and professional renaissance, it doesn't mean I don't still have to content with my PTSD.  I still get triggered and I still battle with hypervigilance, depression, insomnia, low self-esteem, and more.

It's confusing as hell.  How can I be experiencing growth and still struggling with PTSD every day?  When I figure it out, I'll let you know.  I'm at a total loss right now.
So What Next?
I know this is a lot to absorb and I'm still working through all of this myself but there are a few things I do know for certain.  I'm free to blog again and I won't be stopping again if I have any choice in the matter.  I took a lot of time this past week to write this post and it's amazing how much this writing process has cleared up my head.

Thanks to everyone for sticking around.  See you in the next blog post!
]]><![CDATA[Hard Realizations and Finding My Music]]>Mon, 09 Mar 2015 02:55:48 GMThttp://www.combatveteranswithptsd.org/blog/hard-realizations-and-finding-my-musicFirst off, I wanted to thank everyone who has continued to show their support and the overwhelming response to my last blog post.  I know I still have a lot of comments to respond to and I fully intend to respond to them, but I had to get this off my chest.

For those of you who know me, you know that separation and divorce has been particularly hard on me.  I've continued to fight, but I've been weary to the bone of fighting to keep moving forward.

That being said...

There have been some major milestones this past week.  The last of my ex's things are out of the apartment.  I have spent a lot of time cleaning and reorganizing the apartment to turn the page and get a fresh start.

I had no idea how emotional that would be.

I also had no idea just how much of my identity I had sacrificed over the last few years. 

 As I pulled out statues and figurines, reorganized my bookshelves, and thought about where I wanted to rehang things that haven't been on the walls for quite some time, I came to the very hard realization that my guilt had caused me to make sacrifices I never intended.  Over time, I slowly carved away pieces of my identity and put them, literally, in boxes.  Physical things that reminded me of who I am.  And I did this because I was trying to mold myself into who I thought my ex wanted me to be. (No, I'm not blaming her.  I need to be clear here.)

I was really pissed at myself at first.  I didn't understand how this had happened. 

Then I made the second hard realization in as many days:  The writing had been on the wall in my marriage for a long time and I was sacrificing my identity out of vain hope it would salvage my relationship.

It was quite a gut shot to come to these realizations, but this weekend wasn't done with me quite yet.

As I continued to reclaim those pieces of myself that I had packed away, I started to feel an incredible sense of relief.  I felt a vastly increased sense of security in my home.  Most importantly, I started to remember the thing I used to love about myself that I haven't allowed myself or anyone else to see for way too long.

The ultimate realization came earlier today.  There's something a lot of you don't know about me:

I've been singing since I was three years old.  Music and, more importantly, SINGING has been central to my identity my whole life.  I've won over $4,000 in karaoke contests.  I've had people tell me I should try out for American Idol or the Voice.  I don't normally bring any of this up.  I'm not the type to brag and my singing has always been about the music, not the accolades.

I wouldn't have brought it up at all if it wasn't important.

Why, you ask?

Because I realized that, with the exception of singing with my daughter, I HAD STOPPED SINGING.

Talk about a bombshell of a realization.  I haven't been doing something for YEARS that is central to my physical, spiritual, and emotional identity.  I finally realized just how much of myself I have lost in the last few years, how out of touch with my own health I had become.

I made this realization this weekend of all weekends because the latest season of GLEE came out on Netflix and I had some free time to watch.  That's right, GLEE.  I was singing along with almost every song and something amazing happened.

It was like someone parted the curtains to let the light into my soul.  In that moment, I was truly happy.

Unencumbered.

I wasn't just satisfied.  I wasn't just less depressed than usual.  I wasn't just pleased with the turn my professional life has taken.

I was uplifted.  Emotionally and spiritually fulfilled.

Why?  Because I was creating my own harmony to Beatle's 'Yesterday'.  I was adding my flavor to the song, directly and freely sharing the deepest and truest part of myself.  I was singing for the pure joy of it.

So what now?  I have a choice.  I can beat myself up over the mistakes I've made and continue to hide myself away and joy I can bring to myself.  I can hide myself away and lose the opportunity to share my joy with others.

Or........

I can reclaim the life and vibrance music and singing has brought to me and hopefully lift others up to share in my experience through song.

I'm going to start by making sure I make time to sing every week.  I'm going to go out and find a venue to sing and reconnect with that part of my that I didn't realize I had lost.

I might even eventually record some of it and share my joy with you all.  Who knows.

All I know is that I need to raise my voice.  To sing and to be heard.

Music adds so much context to the tapestry that is my life.  Just like writing my blog, it allows me to freely express what I'm feeling.


I intend to reclaim it.]]><![CDATA[A Letter to Uncle Sam's Mistress: Unbridled Courage in the Face of Unspeakable Loss]]>Tue, 10 Feb 2015 03:40:26 GMThttp://www.combatveteranswithptsd.org/blog/a-letter-to-uncle-sams-mistress-unbridled-courage-in-the-face-of-unspeakable-loss
Taps
I've been blogging for a while now - since January, 2011.  It's hard to believe it's been that long, but it has.  I've shared my struggles and my victories and I have been gladdened to see that by sharing my struggles, I've made a positive impact in the lives of my fellow service-members and in the lives of the ones who love them.

Over the course of those years, I've gotten to know quite a few bloggers sharing similar stories.  One, in particular, has always had a deep impact on me:  Living with PTSD & TBI.  The author, Uncle Sam's Mistress has a talent for clearly and emotionally depicting how difficult life is for someone deeply in love with a veteran with PTSD.

Over the past few years, we've gotten to know each other tangentially through our respective blogs and through Facebook - sharing posts, insight and a kind word.

I began to grow concerned that I hadn't seen a blog post from her in a while, as I know my readers have been for me these past few months.  One of my greatest regrets is that I couldn't see past my own challenges to check to make sure everything was OK.

When she posted her latest blog post, From A Stigma to A Statistic, I sobbed.  I sobbed for the loss of her husband, I sobbed because of the profound and heartfelt pain she expressed through her words, and I sobbed because PTSD had taken another veteran too early.  I did my best to let her know through comments how deeply distressed I was for her loss, but don't think I ever found the right words.

So that's why I'm writing this tonight.

Here Goes...
Dear Uncle Sam's Mistress,
I've been reading your blog for a long time and I've always admired the heart and humanity you pour into your posts.  When I read your latest blog post, the depth of the devastation that PTSD has brought into your life hit me like I had been punched in the gut.

Words cannot convey how deeply sorry I am for the loss of your husband.  You captured the stress, fear, despair, and heartbreak so poignantly.  I shared your post on Facebook and found out later that my mom had read your words and she started crying immediately.  We could barely talk about it because it strikes so close to home.  She knows how close I've gotten on a few occasions in the years since I came home and the thought of what you are going through breaks her heart.

What your family has gone through has been constantly on my mind since I read your post.  It's caused me to take stock of my life and how I am doing.  It made me realize that I wasn't doing as well as I would hope.

And I don't think I would have seen it as clearly if it wasn't for your latest blog post.  I have struggled mightily the past few months, despite recognizing how poorly I was handling my separation and divorce from my wife.  In the past, whenever I have gotten to the point where I was able to acknowledge that I am struggling, I have been able to somehow find the strength to reclaim what I had given up to my PTSD.

This time was different.  Until I read your blog post, I didn't realize that I hadn't improved.  Things hadn't gotten worse, but they hadn't improved either.

That realization scared me to death.

Because of you, because of your unbridled courage in sharing your story, I've turned a corner.  I've started to push back against the darkness.  It made me realize that one of my strengths has always been in telling my story the way you tell yours:  unflinchingly, with courage and fortitude.

From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU.  Thank you for reminding me how important it is to tell my story.  Thank you for reminding me that I have the courage to live for myself.  Thank you for having always had a kind word when you could tell I was struggling.  Thank you for letting all of us into your life.

It may be small comfort, but I wanted you to know that I am here for you.  All you have to do is ask.  Message me on Facebook.  Reach out through my website. You've given thousands of readers the strength to carry on - now it's our turn lend you ours.

God Bless You and Your Family.

In Grief and Solidarity,

Max Harris, Combat Veterans with PTSD
To One in Sorrow by Grace Noll Crowell
Let me come in where you are weeping, friend,
And let me take your hand.
I, who have known a sorrow such as yours,
Can understand.

Let me come in -- I would be very still
Beside you in your grief;
I would not bid you cease your weeping, friend,
Tears can bring relief.

Let me come in -- I would only breathe a prayer,
And hold your hand,
For I have known a sorrow such as yours,
And understand.
To my family, friends, fellow bloggers, and faithful readers, I ask the following:  Show your solidarity.  Write your name (or pseudonym) in the comments along with a kind word.  Just a moment of your time would mean so much.
]]><![CDATA[PTSD, Divorce and the Holidays:  Avoiding Emotional Death by a Thousand Cuts]]>Tue, 30 Dec 2014 03:37:54 GMThttp://www.combatveteranswithptsd.org/blog/ptsd-divorce-and-the-holidays-avoiding-emotional-death-by-a-thousand-cutsPicture
It's been a while since I've written a blog post.  For that, again, I am truly sorry.  I never intended to go this long, but one of the first things to go when PTSD and depression are starting to get away from you is your accurate sense of the passage of time.

When the holiday season started, I thought I was dealing well with the end of my marriage.  I was focused, motivated, and very dedicated to my daughter.  I was going to the gym and training in MMA twice per week.  I was enjoying my job and thriving.

Things changed so subtly that I only noticed how depression and PTSD had started creeping in on the edges until things were dangerously close to a tipping point that would have seen me spiraling back into a very dark place.

On Christmas Eve, I had to take my daughter to her mother's house.  Caley was communicating effectively how much she was grieving that mom and dad were no longer together and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  When I woke up on Christmas day, I could feel the depression pushing the walls in.  I closed myself into my apartment and pushed back with all of my might.

I thought about everything that I have been through over the past few years.  I focused on how much progress I've made.  I looked at what I have been able to accomplish, despite the PTSD.  More importantly, I focused on how I have managed things since my wife said she wanted a divorce.

Logically, I knew I should be heartened by what I have been able to accomplish.  So why didn't my feelings match what I have been able to provide for myself and for my daughter?  For those of you who are familiar with my blog, you know by now that blogging helps me to articulate what I am feeling and why.  Writing out how I am feeling, in general, has that effect.

Well, on Christmas Eve, I had received a Facebook message from a friend, sending me best wishes and hoping that I was doing OK.  I responded with an outflowing of emotion and then, because of the nature of PTSD, summarily forgot that I had written her back until half way through the day on the 26th.  Here's what I wrote her:
thank you for reaching out. It's been a bit dark for me in recent weeks, since the holidays started. I'm really struggling. I just want to curl up in a hole and I'm fighting the depression with everything I have. The sad part: it's been a slow creep. A death by a thousand cuts, emotionally. I have so much to live for and be proud of but I can't see the forest through the trees right now. I'm about to step into my parents' house to fill them in. You have no idea how much it means to me that you checked in. I hope you have a very merry Christmas. I'll be sending out an email to fill everyone in, since I've been silent for a bit. I am going to need support getting through the next few months, as the divorce gets finalized. I know I can be honest with you so I'll say it. I'm ashamed. Ashamed my marriage failed. Ashamed I can't keep the depression in check. Ashamed I haven't kept up with my blogging. Ashamed. Ashamed. Ashamed. I shudder to think where I'd be right now if it wasn't for my amazing family and friends like you.
The crazy thing is that I barely remember writing this or discussing what I wrote in it with my parents until I saw the response from my friend on Facebook.
You are right Max you do have so much to live for and be proud of, a great deal, more than most! I wanted to check in several times but at the same time want to respect your need for space. You may always reach out anytime you need someone, even if it's just to listen, share a meal, walk and talk, whatever... YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF, trust me when I tell you that forgiving yourself is a must, you need to allow yourself forgiveness because we are all only human trying to get through what can often be a hard and difficult path, it's ok that life doesn't work out like we thought, or that the path we were on changes, as hard as it is for you at this moment I promise you that you will understand at one point in your life and you will know you went through all of this to get through it, I know you will because you didn't get this far without having that courage and strength. I can not ever say I understand what you are dealing with because I have not lived your life, but I can tell you that you don't ever need to go through any of it alone, you have too many people Max who care... Please enjoy the joy of your family, of your daughter and have a blessed Christmas. 2015 is a year for opportunities and growth and love... Merry Christmas!
Sometimes, all you need is a little validation from a friend.  If you are a friend of someone with PTSD, please read what was written by my friend above.  She never claims to understand what I am going through but she validates my emotions while gently reinforcing the positive and forcing me to evaluate the truthfulness of the negative emotions that I was feeling.

Her words were exactly what I needed to hear.  It allowed me to safely distance myself from the volatility of my emotions and figure out what exactly had transpired over the past few months that had landed me on the cusp of full-blown despair.

Here's how insidious PTSD and depression can be, even when they are being well managed:
  • It started off slowly.  At MMA, I started cutting out after one hour.  Then I started losing motivation to go one of the two nights attended every week.  Then, I stopped going altogether.  I try to look back to see when the last time was that I went, but I can't remember.
  • I lost the motivation to get up early to go to the gym.  Pretty soon, I wasn't going to the gym at all anymore.  Again, I can't remember the last time I went to the gym.
  • I sat down on multiple occasions to try to write blog posts.  My mind was blank.  Things were bothering me, but I couldn't find a way to start writing.  It was a horrible writer's block.  I wasn't even aware of how long it had been since I had last written a post.
  • I started having more and more frequent nightmares.  It severely disrupted my sleep patterns, leading to significant insomnia and irritability.
  • I started focusing almost obsessively on my work.  I couldn't shut my brain down.
  • I started smoking more heavily.
  • I stopped making time to get things rolling for the non-profit.
  • The final straw was the way I caught myself emotionally withdrawing (slightly, not in a significant way) from my daughter on Christmas Eve.  When I realized what was going on, I became acutely aware of how I was feeling and it was overwhelming.


What's so frustrating is that, in 20/20 hindsight, it's all so clear.  Why couldn't I see it when it was all happening?  I mean, I was in a good place.  I effectively managing my PTSD triggers and was devoted to my daughter (still am).  So why, WHY, am I sitting here writing this blog post?  How did I get here?

Well, I have a choice to make.  Learn from this and move forward to correct all of the things I am not doing to effectively cope, or I can disappear again.

Not much of a choice if you ask me.

I'm spending the rest of the holiday season resting and relaxing and relishing every moment I have with my daughter.  Once 2015 begins, time to rededicate myself to doing the things I need and love doing.

All I know is that I have never been so grateful for the amazing family and friends I have in my life.

It's time to focus on the things that are working and fixing the things are aren't.

Here's to the New Year...
]]><![CDATA[Another Veterans Day, More Triggers...]]>Thu, 13 Nov 2014 03:43:00 GMThttp://www.combatveteranswithptsd.org/blog/another-veterans-day-more-triggersWhen I woke up on Veterans Day, I was really looking forward to it, as I always do.  I was going out to enjoy a free breakfast at the local Friendly's with my dad (who is also a veteran).  After that, I was going to a promising meeting for work and then the Netizen Crew (all veterans) were hitting Texas Roadhouse for a team lunch.  Then, that afternoon, I had another really promising meeting for work.

I started off the day full of vim and vigor, ready to seize the day and enjoy the company of my fellow veterans.

To say that the day proceeded a little differently...well, that would be an understatement.

When I arrived at Friendly's, I met my dad and we went inside.  The place was packed.  There was one cook in the kitchen, one very stressed waitress, and ZERO management.  I looked around the seating area and saw a lot of disgusted faces.  To attract veterans (yes their food is free) and their families (their food is NOT free) with free food to honor their service and then not staff up was a complete failure on Friendly's part.  It wasn't the fact that I wasn't going to get free food that really rankled me.  What really angered me was that now, because of the absolute ineptitude (and apparent apathy) of Friendly's management, I no longer had time to find another place to eat breakfast with my father and was denied the opportunity to celebrate our service and spend quality time with my dad.

That was TRIGGER#1

I walked out into the parking lot a little edgy.  I saw my dad off and as I was walking to my car, I witnessed a lady t-boning another lady in parking lot adjacent to Friendly's.  I didn't think, I just reacted.  I ran over to check on the two drivers.  The lady who was t-boned was standing outside of her car next to the open driver-side door, visibly shaken and wobbly.  I quickly instructed her to sit down, as I was afraid she was going to pass out.  She complied and I asked her how she was feeling, whether she had any medical conditions and told her I was going to call 911.  The lady said she had hypertension so I again reassured her that I was calling 911 and that everything was going to be ok.  I called 911 and when the cop arrived, gave my statement.  While we were waiting for the police, I helped the lady to call her husband so that he could come and pick her up - her car was totaled.

After my information was taken and I was released by the police, I went back to my car and was shaking from head to toe with adrenalin.  I didn't need to remain calm anymore, as the welfare of the accident victims was now in the hands of the police.  I had to consciously focus on slowing down my breathing.  I was having intrusive recollections of the aftermath of an IED attack in which I was one of the first responders.  I felt like I was a hot mess, so I swallowed my memories, bit my lip and drove to my first business meeting.

That was TRIGGER#2

I arrived at the first meeting feeling like I must appear outwardly to be a hot mess.  Somehow, I got through the meeting without imploding.  I even asked our CEO, who I was in the meeting with, if I looked visibly shaken or distracted.  I felt like is had to be obvious to everyone that I was a hot mess.  He reassured me that it didn't show and I started to relax a little bit.

After the meeting, we headed to lunch with the team.  Texas Roadhouse was packed.  I was still on edge, so I was really hoping that the staff was on point and that I would be able to sit with my back as close to the wall as possible.

Thankfully, the staff was amazing (Texas Roadhouse, you ROCK!) and I was able to sit where I could see most of the people coming and going.  The lunch and the company was great.  I was starting to relax and decompress as I was finally getting to celebrate the day and enjoy the company of my fellow veterans.

I headed home to check on a few things for work and to prep for my afternoon meeting when I got notification that an article that had been written about me and the nonprofit work I am doing had gone live.  My stress level went up instantly.  They hadn't afforded me the opportunity to fact check what they had written and had not notified me that it had been published.  I quickly checked the article on their website and I almost put my fist through the wall.  They had gotten every fact about my service wrong.  They had the wrong suffix for the nonprofit's website.  They screwed up the name of the entrepreneurship initiative I am working to roll out.  They directly attributed quotes to me that were such poor grammar that they made me sound like an uneducated idiot.

To say I was furious would be an understatement.  I immediately called their managing editor and chewed him a new one.  He took down all of the fallacies that needed to be corrected and told me that he would correct the article online, but there was nothing he could do about the print version.

Fucking wonderful.

That was TRIGGER#3

Before anyone jumps the gun and comes to the conclusion that this is about my ego, let me clarify a few things:
  • The facts surrounding a veteran's service in combat are deeply personal.  The fact that they got them completely wrong was deeply upsetting to me for this reason.
  • I was depicted as having PTSD from serving 'outside the wire' in the 'Iraq War Zone of Kuwait' and the Liaison to the Kuwaiti Ministry of Defense.  Ummmm. No.  Served as a Liaison to the Kuwaiti Ministry of defense in 2002.  I crossed the berm as a member of a joint forces Mobile Interrogation Team (MIT) attached to 3rd MP, 3ID.  The vast majority of my time in country was spent outside the wire as a member of a tactical counterintelligence/insurgency team.  This upset me deeply for the reasons I listed in the first bullet, but also for another reason.  If a veteran who didn't already know my story read those statements, he would think I was a sham.  There was no Iraqi War Zone of Kuwait.  The way they depicted me would be immediately construed as me being a glory-seeker who had never seen combat, a REMF (for the uninitiated, that's a derogatory acronym for Rear-Echelon Mother Fucker - used to describe the glory seekers who had never seen combat).  Their depiction of my service damaged my credibility and the credibility of my nonprofit with the veterans I am woking so hard to help.

After all of this went down, I had to get back in my car, again, and head to my last meeting for the day.  The meeting went well, but it was exceedingly hard to keep the agitation and adrenalin in check.  I was a hot mess.

I got out of the meeting and met my parents for dinner at Red Robin.  I ate quickly and departed quickly.  I just wanted to get home.  I changed clothes and headed over to the Yoga Lab to take advantage of a free mat yoga class.  I figured doing some yoga would help to work out the adrenalin and anger and allow me to focus on my breathing.

The class was intense and I struggled to maintain the motivation to finish the class, but I was able to purge a lot of the anger over the course of the class (Thank you, Yoga Lab!)

I went home and putzed around, desperately hoping that my body would allow me to actually lay down and get some sleep.  I went to bed and closed my eyes, desperate to put this day behind me.  I tossed and turned for hours and finally fell into a fitful sleep around 2 in the morning.

I woke up a few hours later when the alarm went off, feeling like I'd swallowed a cup of sand.  My eyes were gritty and blood-shot, my tongue was swollen,  and my lips were stuck to my teeth.  The bed was soaked with sweat.  I looked in the mirror and my lips were literally glued to my teeth in a grimace.

I didn't remember any nightmares, but they must have been intense.

My body ached from head to toe.  I let my boss know that I was going to be working from home today and explained that I was a bit worn out from being triggered yesterday.

His response?  "No sweat, take the time you need".

I've never been so grateful to be working for Netizen as I was this morning.

I'm feeling a bit more like myself, but it's going to take a few days to come down fully off of this.  I hope I recover sooner, rather than later, though.  Startup Weekend is this upcoming weekend and I'm one of the organizers.

As always, the timing couldn't be better...]]><![CDATA[Do Something Different for Veterans Day]]>Sun, 09 Nov 2014 23:27:25 GMThttp://www.combatveteranswithptsd.org/blog/do-something-different-for-veterans-dayYogaLab
So, Veterans Day is this coming Tuesday.  I've asked around and spoken to a lot of different veterans over the past few weeks and have asked one question:

"What Are You Doing This Veterans Day?"

In every instance, the response I got was the same:

"I'm going to 'so and so restaurant' for free food."

When I followed up that leading question to find out if they were getting together with fellow veterans to enjoy a free meal with brothers and sisters in arms...Not a single one of them said they were planning on going with anyone.

I asked these same questions last year and the year before.  Too many vets go out on Veterans Day just to enjoy the free food and don't have any desire to congregate with their fellow veterans.

As a result of this, I started thinking about what would make the day more meaningful and whether there were different activities to explore that would offer veterans a different way to celebrate their service.

On October 20th, the Yoga Lab opened up on Lehigh Street in Allentown, PA.  Last week, the owner, Kristine, reached out to me with an offer:  Free mat yoga for veterans on Veterans Day and discounts all month long, starting on the 10th of November.   When I dug in a little bit, I discovered that yoga studios all over the country, independent of one another, are offering similar opportunities for veterans.
 
So, why yoga?  Why now? I have heard that many veterans have found yoga to be extremely helpful in coping with PTSD.  Then I read that one of the Yoga Lab instructors is an Iraq veteran with PTSD who has found yoga to be very therapeutic and wants to share its value (and the culture of healing that surrounds yoga as a whole).

When I read through her offer, I realized that this was a beautiful example of someone providing a venue for veterans to congregate in a meaningful manner, with a purpose.  I have attached their flyer to this blog post.  I will be attending mat yoga Veterans Day evening and am hopeful that I will be able to attend the Veterans Workshop on Saturday the 15th.

I encourage our veterans to extend themselves a little bit, especially those with PTSD, and take the Yoga Lab (and other yoga studios around the country) up on their generous offer.

I wish you all a great Veterans Day and hope you spend it in health and happiness! 
]]><![CDATA[The Top Five Reasons why Veterans Interested in Entrepreneurship Should Attend Lehigh Valley Startup Weekend.]]>Mon, 27 Oct 2014 04:28:08 GMThttp://www.combatveteranswithptsd.org/blog/the-top-five-reasons-why-veterans-interested-in-entrepreneurship-should-attend-lehigh-valley-startup-weekendPicture
For those of you who don't know, my passion for entrepreneurship was born at the inaugural Lehigh Valley Startup Weekend in 2012.  It ignited a passion that still motivates me today.  It motivated me to pursue social entrepreneurship and to found my nonprofit.

One of the things that I have noticed, though, is how few veterans I run into at these events - and that really confused me.  According to the SBA, approximately 40% of returning veterans would prefer to start their own business or 'not work for anyone but themselves'.  Veterans who start businesses are twice as likely to grow a successful business when compared to those who have never served.

So why do so few veterans participate in Startup Weekend?  I have my theories, but they're not substantiated by any research and fact.  Instead of focusing on why veterans don't attend, I thought I'd present my top five reasons why our local veterans SHOULD attend.

So Here Goes...

1. Startup Weekend is a Great Way to Test Entrepreneurship Waters

I know there are a lot of veterans who consider starting their own business or have great ideas but never test the waters because they are too risk averse or don't know if an idea is value-added and marketable.  Startup Weekend is an opportunity to test ideas and test the waters, with no strings attached.  You get to learn about the culture, the energy, and can discover whether entrepreneurship is something that kindles the creative fire inside you.  At the end of the weekend, even if your team wins the competition, you can walk away if you find that the environment doesn't work for you.  The only thing that is asked of you is that you focus and dedicate your time for one weekend.  Where you take it from there is completely up to you.  The worst that can happen is you find out, one way or the other, whether entrepreneurship is right for you.

2. The Positive Environment Helps Transitioning Veterans Connect with Like-Minded Professionals

Startup Weekend has an amazing energy.  A very talented pool of people get together for a weekend to generously offer up their talent to develop new applications, manufacture revolutionary new products, and more.  It provides a natural feeling of camaraderie that will feel very familiar to veterans.  This makes Startup Weekend an ideal environment for veterans transitioning out of the military.  It's non-threatening and everyone appreciates what you can contribute, regardless of your level of experience.  Not only that, participants break out into small teams of competent people to work on separate projects and depend heavily on each other to work autonomously on their portions of the work.  Talk about an ideal setting to soften the cultural blow for veterans just transitioning back into civilian life.  Additionally, veterans will meet like-minded people that they can relate to and share their passion with, making it that much easier to overcome the cultural divide between military and civilian life, allowing civilians and veterans to better understand the value inherent in their respective backgrounds. 

3. Companies Are Starting to Recognize that Startup Weekend is a Treasure Trove of Hidden Talent

Very early on, organizers recognized that getting local companies and highly visible large enterprises (think Google and Coke, for example) had a vital role to play in supporting and sponsoring Startup Weekend.  Successful local entrepreneurs were enlisted to be mentors and judges for the events.  What those sponsors, mentors and judges discovered in short order was the inordinate amount of hidden and grossly underemployed talent attending these events.  Over time, Startup Weekend has become not only an event celebrating the entrepreneur in all of us but a hotbed for hiring talent.  I'll extend it a step further and tell my story.  In early 2012, I attended a hackathon organized by a local teach group called LV Tech.  It was there that I was first exposed to the generous and lively spirit common at other entrepreneurial events.  While there, I started talking to a guy that I quickly found out was a fellow vet.  He spoke very highly of hackathons and especially Startup Weekend.  After the event, we kept in touch and that fall, I attended the inaugural Lehigh Valley Startup Weekend.  It was an amazing experience and our team came in third. The team that won later became one of the most promising startups in the educational space, by the way.  Well, over the course of that event, I'd proven myself to be adaptable, reliable and motivated.  I made connections there that I still maintain to this day.  Time passed and the guy who had introduced me to Startup Weekend back in 2012 reached out to me earlier this year.  He had started a business.  He had a need for someone with proven writing skills and the ability to learn quickly on the fly to help with technical writing.  What started as a trial run for ten hours a week quickly morphed into a full-time transition.  He brought me on as his first W-2 employee just a few months later and I am now the Capture Manager for the company.  He saw my potential -  a potential in the intangibles that never get seen when large companies are screening thousands of resumes.  And it all started with an innocuous conversation and a Startup Weekend.

4. Veterans Provide Skills and Valuable Lessons Learned Stemming from Military Service

Veterans have a very valuable set of 'soft skills' that have been ingrained in them as a result of their military service.  Among these skills are adaptability, autonomy, teamwork, professionalism, decision making, and laser-like focus on task and mission.  These skills are a value added proposition for any team or company and especially valuable in the accelerated setting at Startup Weekend.  I have yet to run into a team that hasn't found working with veterans extremely rewarding and productive.  Many have come to realize this and have openly lamented the limited participation of veterans at these events.

5. Veterans in Attendance Help to Break the Stigma Surrounding PTSD

The stigma surrounding PTSD affects all returning veterans.  About five years ago, there was a concerted effort to dramatically increase the awareness of the prevalence of PTSD in veterans returning home - approximately one in five veterans of the current conflicts is returning home with some degree of PTSD.  This was done very irresponsibly.  They succeeded in raising awareness but never followed up with educating people on how PTSD impacted our veteran community.  As a result, the prevailing stereotypes about PTSD that dated back to the Vietnam War are what the uneducated ended up believing.  The stigma has become so strong that they have actually given this PTSD-specific stigma a name - 'The Rambo Effect'.  As a result of the increased awareness, this stigma now negatively impacts the lives of all returning veterans.  Employers don't want to hire young veterans because they fear that they may be introducing a destabilizing element into their workforce.  All of the positive qualities I spoke of in the previous point are either forgotten or summarily ignored as a result of this stigma.  Veterans, with and without PTSD that attend these types of events, demonstrate the positive qualities that employers used to highly value.  By just being themselves veterans can prove just how wrong the prevailing stereotypes are - without ever even mentioning PTSD.

So There You Have It...

Veterans have a lot to offer.  I hope that the reasons I have listed above are motivation for more veterans in the Lehigh Valley to attend this year's event.  Lehigh Valley Startup Weekend takes place this November 14th - 16th.  As one on the organizers, and a fellow veteran, I'd love to see you out there.  For more information please visit their website.

I'd love to hear feedback from anyone reading this. If anyone has any questions or comments, don't hesitate to reach out to me!
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