Come To My Illusion

Bubble

2013-08-22T00:23:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was a bubble. A lovely, lively and endearing bubble. The bubble loved to babble, blabber, and bamboozle. However the best part of the bubble was its fascination with its core property, i.e.; bubble-ness. Most of them loved the bubble, felt enchanted and found it soothing. The bubble was well patronized from people of all hues and shades. However as is the nature of the bubble, it was always prone to prickle. And some people did. Some intentionally and mostly unintentionally. Prickle the bubble and stare at the rubble. However the rubble was always rousing. You see the bubble-ness of the bubble always saw it through the stumbles. The answer to every stumble was how not to crumble. And my beloved bubble was good at it. The bubble was a resting place for many souls. It was the place where cookies used to crumble. But the bubble was good at adjoining the pieces and made them appear worth their existence. So far so good.

But then bubble is a bubble. Don't you know it's a hollow round structure which looks good from outside but then have you pondered over its longitivity? It fades away not out of want or circumstances but because of its very nature. Its life span is not really a matter as people know but then when we like something really bad or worse, when we get addicted to something it’s always hard to imagine the life without it no matter how insignificant that thing appeared on the outset. However the truth is you will move on, once it's gone but yes the idea of an addiction going away is a jittering thought.

Bubbles also like to float in the air. They are particularly good at it. Now don't get the meaning that anyone could float it. It floated because of its very desire to outmaneuver the impending realities. It was not accustomed to realities existing beyond its imagination so the bubble tended to make its own realities of imagination and used to travel around. Float around. The caring people, as they were, didn't really find that satisfying. Always wondering why it would float around when all the things it ever needed was right here. In front of its very own eyes. Why this fascination with unknown, unsteady, insecure and unknowable? They asked bubble and honest as he was bubble had no answer. He never had. He never strived to get it. How did it matter, anywhichways? Sometimes knowing why and how of your maneuvers doesn't really stop you from maneuvering.

Doesn't that ring a bell of truth? Bubble wanted to move and he moved not knowing why, not willing to know why. If ever it stopped and wonder about why then it was simply to pretend to satisfy the curiosity of others not of itself. .Oh dear bubble how immature that sounds? Couldn't you do with some worldly wisdom? Your path was fraught with dangers and uncertainties and people around you could never evolve in last thousands of years to actually understand and believe that uncertainty is good. .it broadens your navigational paths. .offers you more optionalities...More scope for adventures. .Mr. Darwin you were wrong. .you were always wrong. .humans stopped evolving hundred years ago.

We like to constrain things in our understandable dimensions. .we hate uncertainties. .our intellect doesn't allow us to accept things we can't comprehend. .but humans try telling this to this mad mad bubble. .it has gone berserk. .and bizarre. .doesn't really fit in the mould of society. .shouldn't we brand this bubble as a bane to society so that we can get rid of this bugger for good. .Good riddance, eh? Ok let me try to pin down this bastard... Gosh. .I can't reach him. .he is still floating. .let us get it back to the gates of Hades... And make it meet the ultimate bubble blaster...Realities of our modern times.

Bastard of the Party-3

2010-02-04T22:06:00.000-08:00

So there they are! My family members, feeling all zapped and stunned at my announcement. Now did someone say, the greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attentions? Yes, they did pay full attention to what I said and afterwards...it was a chorus of mayhem...producing harmony at its best! I was persuaded...asked...Ordered...and finally thrown out of my little abode for not agreeing to their convention! What could I do? If I wished to be a director...all I had to just direct! What was the rocket science involved there?

Round and round the world we go, we don't die of time, we die of vertigo...family members felt offended and I remained what I was...a recluse...loner trapped in his own illusionary graveyard where no one was willing to offer any bouquet...

One of those days when my dad used to sermon me about meaning of the life, he said, ‘If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with’. Very well then, will you mind telling me what happens when you realise you are not loved the way you want to and you are not going to end the way you want to, how should one deal then? He never talks about it but my personal and professional life talks of same events repeating again with hazardous outcomes.

While, I can forgot a hell lot of things yet I will never ever be able to get rid of scar in my heart. My journey did begin...at last...

Female anatomy fascinated me. The curve of their assets and the appeal of their round bottoms made me feel exhilarated. My first short film dealt with themes of sex, politics and cinephilia. How would sex appear if presented in its most original way and that is carnal and disturbed way? I wished to be the hell raiser of era of eroticism in its most naked form. What’s the point of hiding the most consistent and frequent event of our bedrooms from the eyes of voyeuristic sensibilities? Let them see what they derive their greatest pleasure from.

The relationship between personal comfort and ideals is a strong theme to talk about. Yet, I was not allowed to talk them in a crude way. The movie financers I approached found me sick and wondered whether I have it in me to be acceptable to the masses and critics alike. It’s tough to be a director when you are totally dependent upon on someone other than you who also proclaims to be the heart of the film; it’s writer! How could I rely upon someone else’s flight of fantasy when I had the entire universe of imagination clambering around my feet? Every portrait that is painted with feeling is a portrait of the artist, not of the sitter and here, I was the artist!

Portrayal of sex reveals the purest form of human soul. It is almost like putting a human soul under the microscope and dissecting it. Depicting sex in its rawest form allows you to steal the beauty and offer a bit of heterogeneity. I kept struggling and my ideas failed to find any acceptance from socially relevant norms of film-making. If the perception of society is restricted to a particular name and for which I was subjected to consistent barbs from my school mates then that also allows me to arouse controversy iconoclastically to encourage people to reconsider themselves and their society.

At last, I managed to put together pieces of my heart and some fine fabrics of my passion and I headed for a slum where I could find some themes I could relate to and some actors who would not need to act. I saw this girl (Eva) choosing pieces of stones from the gutter material. Her skin was dark and yet she possessed a certain spark. While I held handy cam in my hands, I could sense her infinite curiosity and that silent desire of figuring in that screen. While I looked at her face I couldn’t help staring at her blouse that was barely managing to hide her growing breasts.

I asked her, will you act?

She kept her gaze fixed to the surface.

She appeared like a growing teen who recently had her first brush with blood and gore. Her body language was suggestive of her hidden pursuits and I did manage to make her say, yes without any difficulty. When I first shot her, I closed my eyes as if I were praying, the world just disappears in the bottom of the darkness, Even though, my heart starts to beat, searching for a limited eternity... and I get this shot perfect..

I wished again...come back to me, my sweet lady, by following your memories, to the origin of gentleness and dreams. She gave a perfect first shot. My movie revolved around a character who finds comfort in the anonymous arms of a teen after the death of his sister (Barbara) in violent circumstances. Both the leading ladies of the movies, his wife and this teen were dark skinned, slender, dark haired and had brown eyes.

Both leading ladies had smoking habits. Both lost their virginities at a tender age. Eva and Barbara had to appear in full frontal nude scenes. No, there was no intention of any moral exploitation or appeasement of front benchers. It’s just that, my idea of a world was devoided of any sexual discrimination and would be more presentable with frontal female nudity. My idea of sexual discourse needed to present the chaos on the street as experienced by me during my entire life.

I knew, my idea wouldn’t go well with a large section of society but the person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience. I was not writing for fools and nor for large audience. I was an artist and I was there to live out loud. While my movie was in progress, sometimes, I used to lock the door and lock my head and dreamt of butterflies instead. It made me feel fresh for the theme of my movie that was going to make some fucking real good noise...

Bastard of the party-2

2009-01-29T07:57:00.000-08:00

It was my first full day in prison. I was subject to cheer and jeer by the prison inmates. I received an amazing reception in the place where people came to eat together. In civilized world, this place is known as dining hall, but here it was everything except dining room. The first bite I was about to had and someone from the corner shouted, ‘child molester has changed his taste! How come he is eating rice instead of supple flesh! ’ my non-reaction invited few applause and few abusive that are going to be eternal part for the rest of my life! A prison tend to cater all sort of criminals but special treatment is reserved to those who are there because of more innovative crimes of rape, molestation, pedophilic things etc. I was the newly crowned king out there. A king with no army and a toilet seat for the royal throne!

I was looking forward to college days more so because I kind of felt that agonizing days spent in the school will be left behind. My inhibitions had established strong roots inside my mind. Though, I was aware of it but could not feel courageous enough to get rid of it. I tried writing just to keep away all the frustration collected over the years. But my notes gave me the impression of randomly targeting some innocent person who had nothing but childhood fun. Though, their idea of fun was cruel and detrimental to my existence. All of my letters addressed to me were more like two strangers and insane people are indulged in a strange reality of hate letters which was always likely to get out of control.

Those letters were part of an experiment in emotional terror and the result would have surely reflected in one of the stranger being killed by another. My personality was a sum total of who I was and what I wanted to be! Perhaps I was insane enough to keep letters written by me on my own doorsteps and hoping that the stranger residing within me would get to read it in a different way! Split personality? Sorry, I think I was pretty much normal.

My family members and few relatives who are also known as well-wishers in cultured world, often asked me ‘so what do you want to do with your life’! I did not answer, because I could not! What else would you say about a person who was seriously busy in writing a love letter to himself every passing day and the next day reading the same letter with the excitement as if someone else had just mailed me that!

Finally one fine day, I managed to mention about movies as my career! I wanted to get into movie making and learning the nuances of film making. I had tried writing number of times. My inability to come up with a solid plot made me realize my limitations in writing. So I had a lot to share, a lot to tell people, an entire lifetime to reflect and present the insecurities and fallacies of human mind!

I was heavily into watching movies. Movies they call as art or realistic movies sans any fanfare, picturesque locations, tuxedo clad poker faced actors and ladies who were best at demonstrating latest brands of lingerie. My idea of movie making was to reflect pathos woven in the womb of comic moments of life! My movies had to reflect my view of life and life is not about memorizing perfect quotations! It’s about politics, sex, violence and elusive concept of peace. Elusive because, you always want it but no one actually manages to achieve it his lifetime yet as a concept this is important.

I bought a handy cam and shot my first video. I did manage to find few like-minded mates in my college days. The term ‘like minded’ is questionable but those few were the ones who did not think much of me either in positive or negative way! So they were ‘like minded’. My video was out rightly rejected by the jury members of the short movies category despite the fact that, I achieved the task of putting the human soul under the microscope. I was ostracized for my clarity of vision and deplored for the video content! So what was the movie all about? I will tell you.

That rejection was the first nail in the coffin.

I was standing in my cell and facing constant barbs of my cell-mate!
I found myself putting my arms around the iron rods of the door and wondering,
I hope, I did no wrong!
Its tough for a dog to complete his life journey alone but a wolf can. May be. A wolf can.
Everyone’s fate is pre-ordained and all the wretched karmas performed by us are nothing but foreplay designed to enhance the pain of our domed fates.

Someone has rightly said, ‘There are things known, and things unknown, and in between them are the doors’. A new journey of my life began on the fateful day when I broke the news of my movie-making ambition to my family. The dining room of my home was no better than what I am facing in the prison. That eventful night was perhaps the second nail in the coffin.

The Bastard of the Party- Part 1

2009-01-19T22:31:00.000-08:00

Hallucination often instigates fear syndrome. Fear of not what you dreamt about but fear of the possibility of your hallucinating quagmire of thoughts coming true! It will grow inside you silently, very silently. Like A Tree, it will spread its roots far and wide. So stop hallucinating! Well, easier said than done. Then, pray! But pray to whom? Pray what?

Did you say God? The almighty? The universal father? My life has given me every reason to believe that if God is my father, then I am an orphan. Damn me for being unthankful but insanity and selfishness always go together.

I am not sure how exactly it panned out but it seems as if I am still roaming in the dirty by lanes of that beautiful place people fondly call slum. By the way, I forgot to introduce myself! Officially I am known as Stalin. My complete name reads as Ray Stalin. Don’t know who the hell named me Stalin! My god damn parents or their parents or some shithead neighbor! This name has me given me more problems than any other living creature has ever done. Guess, had I been conceived in some third world country, it would have been fine but here in this country, people are more obsessed with metaphorical problems which have nothing to do with real human problems. Through out my school days, these brats called me names which are worse than being called motherfucker! Communist, fascist, anti-establishment, curse etc are few of the lovely souvenirs I had been bestowed with by my ‘good natured fun loving’ mates!

It’s still a night with full of stars and I am familiar with each one of them. But, am I sleepy or just dreaming?

I was a shy kid, a back bencher basically. I was known for my feeble mumbles and huge jumbling acts performed with alarming regularity. That reason alone was conspiring enough to devoid me of any sort of friends. Though, I was a master of saying Hi & Bye and that too, without ever bringing a smile on my face. I guess, popularity demands a few tricks up your sleeves. Smile is one among them. But why to smile when you can still convey essential things with your silence? Though, you don’t need to present your natural smile; even a fake or plastic smile will keep you in good books of people who matter at different stages of your life. I failed to realize this basic social decorum. Add to that my wonderful name!

I was always given a royal treatment by few innovative kids of my school. At one point of time, they made it a ritual to welcome me with amazing methods. Samples this; 5-6 guy standing together with one hand straight horizontally and palm facing the ground while the other hand….well….should I say? Guess, I should, though sometimes nostalgia is a wonderful resource of pain and indifference. Well, the other hand holding their ‘things’ and shouting loud, ‘Hail Stalin’! That was some generous reception! A’int it? That was the kind of stuff my childhood was made of. Wonderful memories, indeed!

My reticent nature did not help the cause either. Ben Harper once said, time will make all this go away, but it’s time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays! Ben Harper who? I don’t know either! But what he said made sense to me! He must be some down-on-his-luck kind of guyz! I started to find a great escape route in movies. Neorealist movies were my favorites. The kind of movies, who come up with the tag of realistic, filmed in slums and poor location with set of wannabe actors who however manage to perform better than Steven Segal mould of actors. These movies typified my personal set of circumstances where I could identify with their difficult moral and economical hazards depicted in the movie. I was hooked to that movie, ‘Bicycle Thieves’. To be very honest, even I started to nurture dream of venturing into movie-making. But the dreams of youth are the regrets of maturity but that saga will be unveiled some other time!

Aah, my dreams are making me squirm like a bee in a beehive! Why am I sweating? Hallucination! Told you, didn’t I?

The flames are blue
And the sea is ablaze,
The water seems red
And the earth is drunk.
I, the monstrous Buddha,
Inebriated in the bitter drink,
Thinking the thoughts
Of insane denial,
Am I a human?
Or deprecating mask?

I guess, I was still dreaming when I heard Sound of Raucous voice screaming at full throttle!

Whistling! …..

Some nice little adjectives! …….

“Wake up you good for nothing fucking cocksucker! This ai’nt the property of your father’s! This is called prison!” The guard screamed like usual!

Am I hallucinating? No, this time, it’s real!

Did I give you my full introduction? Well, my name is Ray Stalin. You can also call me prisoner number 312! This was my first night in prison and I am accused of rape of a 13 year old girl and probably murder the details of which I am not exactly familiar with!

Rambling Raga-7

2008-09-04T12:57:00.000-07:00

It has been ages since I had my last proper sleep. Sometimes, I just conclude that my body will keep turning and yearning for a sleep that will probably never come. Guess, that will help in slipping away of summers of my happiness and exuberance. Not an optimistic statement but, I seem to have resigned to those fading summers. Clutching them is getting harder and harder.
I wonder, whether I like state of insomnia but can't really say that I "like" this, because it always makes me feel quite melancholic. It’s really tough to escape insomniac nights. I keep loosing myself in thinking irresistibly irrelevant things! Most of them are nothing but wishful thinking and some anticipated heated do or die kind of fight!
Alas, neither of them ever actually realizes themselves.

Ah, wishful thinking is at its best when you feel most lonely, when you are deprived of quality people in your surroundings and finally when you crave for persons capable enough to understand you! Wishful thinking also visits you when you feel like being smothered and pulled under by complex structures of color...to the knowledegeables,i may not speak but eyes have this bad addiction of telling you everything you need to know. Well, now I know why I am so passionately indulged in this so called wishful thinking!

Few things...you want in that wistful list...well...But in reality, we don't want them, we rather want everything we’ve stolen in this suffering! Sometimes I tell people to want everything but I guess, in my own case, I use caution in what I believe!
Pinnacle of contradiction, I must admit! But story never ends here...Because those who are haunted by the demons of their own excellence and conscious are always denied everything! It always becomes very easy to lead from the front when others are broken, and have lost everything!

Come hither,
Take my hope away...
When something inside dies,
When there's no more pride
Come hither,
Take my life away...
Thy soul is no more,
Leave nothing left inside...
Still, it’s not enough...
It will be truly salvation...
Only when your heart is broken
A thousand times
With every moment...

How does it matter, when everything is taken away without any warning! I no more try to remain undaunted in this suffering!
Gosh, how tough is cheering yourself up! Situations keep providing you chances and more chances to trap yourself in abyss of agony! In the depths of hopelessness! And it’s always easy to fall in that trap! This time, it’s slightly different! I no longer feel like getting out of that abyss! The art of squeezing my strength from my own being is getting lost in quagmire of worldly maze! I need to suffer more! Because I haven’t suffered enough! I have not been given damages more than I can bare!
No, I vent suffered enough!

Its tough to comprehend others pain...but do let me know when some part of yours die! May be, I will have some reasons to explain the death of thousand of those things! But, be cautious while treading...Because you are treading on some dead things..!

I am getting tired of blabbering...don’t know what crap I am writing…seems more like I am writing for the heck of writing…my apologies to myself for that...

I haven’t suffered enough...
Let me suffer some more...
When the heart is broken
A thousand times
With every moment...
So...i won’t forget to breathe tonight once again.
Who knows, tonight might be the last...
So for the countless time,
To those dead things...
I will try to say final goodbye...

Rambling Ragas-6

2008-07-31T10:46:00.000-07:00

This is not the best of time to tear apart your heart. I don't know. I really don’t know. Insomnia has engulfed my existence and all the faces are starting to blur together. All of them are saying something but my mind, vague mind fails to comprehend them.
While writing this, I lighted up a cigarette. My beloved’s voice echoed in my mind, “You shouldn't smoke. It'll kill you.” Do I care? No, I don't care. I guess, there’s plenty of ways to die. But you have to figure out a way to live. I have figured out that way long time ago. Now, I know that’s a hard way but Look at you, all sophisticated. You talk and you talk again. Polishing each and every word. Covering them under the blanket of selfishness yet you will never ever admit that you are selfish. Why? Because that’s not the norm!

I walk the streets at night now
I find places and things
I never knew existed.

But am I finding them or are they finding me?
In right and wrong, and the thin, fragile line between them.
And they are probably wondering, as I speak.
Why is somebody talking the way, he is doing?

I was tossing and turning in my bed last night trying to get even a few hours sleep. I could not get them and in between all of a sudden I thought of this word ‘communication skills’. This word was followed by second word, ‘virtual world.’ How hard I tried, I could not find even a bit of semblance between the two. Third word roamed in my mind ‘my proactive communication’. There were no co-relation yet I tried to find the relation between all these words. First and foremost thought which came to my mind is escapism. People who often visit and spend a considerable amount of time in social networking sites do not have a rich personal life. I, personally have a very rich personal life. Rich, very rich. The word ‘escapism’ rules in those peoples’ lives. Poor they? Yeah, definitely. How about those people having good communication skills? What the hell are you talking about?

As far as I know and understand, communication can be defined as balanced mutual exchange of thoughts where people are willing to listen to each other, where people are willing to talk to each other and willing to understand each other’s point of view. Now that’s a rarity, even in real world. Sometimes I have found people plotting about what they are going to speak while you are sharing your stuff. Imagine the disgust I feel! Here I am talking something, wanting to be heard and understood and there person on the other side of the phone is not at all listening g to you. In fact they are thinking of what next to say?
I love those people like anything!! I am crazy about them.

On other side of the spectrum, I find people who are simply incapable of understanding whatever you are conveying! They will always pretend that they are trying to understand you. Few of them won’t even give that pretense. All they seek is a punching bag!

Call you up! Blast their miseries! Go away! What a simple formula! Though few of them even have guts to say, you are my friend and I stand by you! Gosh! I can’t even laugh! See the irony! You selfish suckers! I know every human is selfish by nature. They have to be. No issues with that but show me the guts to admit that! Nah, how could they! Those lesser souls! How could they! Though few of them have this courtesy to say at the end of the conversation, “by the way, how are you doing?” yeah, I am always doing fine!

That’s the kind of people I meet in virtual world. 8 out of 10 are like that! And I love them. Because of these very people I feel like a superhuman! They literally make me feel how good I am! Anyways I like to feel good about my strong existence in my mind but thanks to these people, I feel even better! Virtual world is kind of stoppage time in life. You stop here, hold on for a while and better move on. Few relations, I mean few deserving relations who is based on mutual love, respect and trust will stay on! No matter what, they will stay! Few others, you better run as your ass has caught fire! I never understood how people lived with fear. How women afraid to be their natural selves! How people afraid of...accepting the truth of their inner selves.

I always believed that fear belonged to other people. The Weaker people.
It never touched me. And then I saw it touching others. Or perhaps I saw it late. Behind those arrogant faces and exteriors you see a vulnerable face. A weak face. And then you know how it feels when it touches them, you know...

I just could not realize that it's been there all along.....waiting beneath the surfaces of everything you thought to be tough, strong and balanced!
And then I saw their skins crawling...
..And my heart sickened...
...and I look at the person they once pretended to be
Walking down that street...

...and then I wondered, will I be same...?
Will they ever be their pretended selves again?

Talk to me. Look at this fucking crap right here.
Did you ever wonder Why don't my hands shake?
Why doesn't somebody stop me?

Now, almost everybody lies. But the dead can't.
And then again, the lies tell you things too, because...
...people tell them for a reason.
And those faces in the virtual world,
What are they telling me?

Did your hands shake?

But that's one of the benefits of being on the right side.

It's a fair question. You...i guess, I am not sure, perhaps, and you become someone else.
And these people have become someone else!

“A stranger.”

Sometimes that just makes it harder, you know. You just wish you didn't.

That’s the most important thing! Avoid the cribbers like plague! Because when you interact with such people, it is astonishing and numbing, to find that the person you are talking to is basically a stranger. One that has your arms, your legs, your eyes, and that person gradually acquires this power to make you a sleepless, restless stranger. You will find yourself just walking. Eating and finally just living.

They suck all your energy! I almost vanished, thanks to those humanly vampires! Making you feel like an organism that changes, mutates. Building sprout-like chromosomes on the DNA of your inner streets. And tell you what; they are damn good at it! Thanks to these bouts of insomnia, I feel better at deciding! I love floating. I love flying. I love my detachable nature. And I love leaving behind few dead relations. I would still love to make new relations. I would still love to rejuvenate old relations provided they have something new to offer because I have. I always had! Show me some variety. Show me you are not needy. Show me, you love being happy! Show me, you want to talk and listen and I am all yours!

Look, what I have got! I've got or I had got a show, a very lively show that’s almost finished. Perhaps it’s already mixed. All it needs is an intro and an outro, which I could live. But I do realize I've got numerous unending shows in various stages. And I've got all these stories in my life. You know, new stuff, better stuff.
And I know what I'm doing,
And you know that I know what I'm doing. Perhaps, I’ve been through a little bit.
Sometimes a boisterous laughter conceals much more than what actually it reveals. But i have a public and I'm not sure they are ready for it yet.
Look....I just need to keep living. Happily!

Well, this is me and yet again I start walking the city. A city which is like any metropolis which is an organism...But it is horrible...to feel detached for the place you once loved. And to see few faces you knew so well......and be afraid of their shadows.
It’s even more strange to see familiar steps but you feel unable to climb them.

You know I heard this story about suicide bombers over in Iraq?
When they die they want 72 virgins. What do I want?
do want whores? Do I want them while I'm alive?

No give me happiness, not for my sake but for own sake!
Not because seeing you happy face will make me happy but because I will stat believing others can be happy too!
Other can get out of that self-induced trap!

Someone is playing God out there...i also tried that…
Because I've been asked and expected to do something that was a norm from my won standards…

But I guess, its time for revenge! Yeah, revenge makes us feel good.
I know, The carriage held but just ourselves.
And Immortality.

Does it keep me up at night?
Does it haunt me?
Excuse me?

Because it haunts me.

But yeah, one thing is for sure,
There is no going back to that other person...
.. That other place.

This thing, this stranger..
That’s all you have now.

Technorati

2008-07-31T00:58:00.000-07:00

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Rambling Ragas!-5

2008-07-23T13:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I feel I want to know each and everything and I also want to be everywhere. I am ferociously young and sometimes idealistic too, some other times complete brash. And rest of the times, I am everything that I am supposed to be. My temper even propels a desire in me to fuck everyone in the world. But I guess,that’s slightly tough proposition considering my human limitations but then I am trying. There are great chances of me failing so I instead try to write. I normally don’t write all of what I really wish, what I feel. I wish I could. But life tells me, there are a lot of things I wish I could. Am I regretting? Hell, no! But, it would have been fun doing few more things!

I sometimes, repeat that sentence in my mind, “Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness... gives me truth”! But what truth Mr. Jay? Haven’t you had enough of them? Are not you tired of balancing some bitter truth with hallucinating fantasies? Heart says, no! I so strongly perceive myself as a hopeless optimist and die hard romantic! And I love that perception more than anything.

So now a days how do I juggle my fantasies amidst those miraculous perceptions? Well, I say, I'm jay and the rambling habit of mine is yet to leave me...And as I desire, I constantly I walk the city. Sometimes, I bitch and moan about it and some other time, I just walk and watch and listen. I keep witnessing to the all beauty and ugliness that is disappearing from our saaddi beloved city. Few months back, I cajoled myself to visit the gray depths of the northern side of country. There, I saw few fishes swimming their morning laps like they have every morning since the time immemorial. One fine morning I walked by the lake of golden waters outside what used to be the greatest fish place in that region. And then I thought about my childhood friend kaajal with her dog ceaser and her parents who were always away. She also had a Bengali nanny who had these peculiar six hairpins made out of fish bones.

That friend was an adorable brat of my childhood. A little punk kid. But why am I remembering those days? Oh, yes! I visited that lake and that reminded me of visiting a similar lake in my childhood with our families. We had fun. We cooked our food on dry woods and that was the only time I ever went on a picnic with my family. I still remember how free and exuberant I had felt when we two brats ran around lake side with naked feet. Shouting parents, heavenly smell of chicken and few pebbles in my hand. I could have filled that lake with my pebbles.
Never mind sweetheart! Move on..!

You see, sometime, I feel like writing a story of the cities I lived in. but when I stretch that idea further, I feel those cities are fast disappearing before my eyes. Its people all swept over. Then how will the writer inside me would be treating the leftover of those stories? Would I be, constructing an imaginary city to house those memories? Because, I have no choice but to preserve those memories. They are precious. Very precious. And when you love something, every time a bit of it goes, you lose a piece of yourself.
So where kaajal would be sleeping tonight? Can I hear her ghost? Yeah, her ghost is wandering around the around the collapsing corridors of her beloved home trying to find her nanny's room. She is calling out to the construction workers in a voice that nobody hears: "Has anyone seen my dog ceaser?"

Well, this is Mritunjay and you've been reading to you know what?
I'm...
I'm not a face. I'm just a voice…

Rambling Ragas!-4

2008-06-26T09:13:00.000-07:00

She promised to meet next day. I kept tossing and turning in my bed whole night. Her spirit had caught me off guard or rather; she was doing what I had always wanted to do. She was not chained to any thing. She was doing what she felt right. She did not commit any crime. She was just following the call of her heart. Above all, we were going to meet her and yes, I did think about confessing what I had in my mind. I can’t help but to let the other person know how I am feeling about him/her. Sooner, the better. I had invited her for lunch at my place.

I woke up all excited. Could not wait. I still wonder how easily she managed to impress me in a span of two days. It was a lovely sensation flowing through my veins.
At 12, I received a note saying, “I would not be able to make it. Jay, I Hope to meet you again in this lifetime”. Then few more lines which I would disclose later.

I wondered again. I smiled. And then I cracked loudly.

Ever had crush on someone? Yeah, Crush. Isn’t it funny, how the similar word for the feeling of disillusionment can be used for the feeling of desirability? The Oxford English Dictionary states one of the meanings for the word crushed as "a strong and unreasoning, but transitory attachment. No. no complaints, though.

Yes, beautiful things happen for two days. But, sometimes, its effects linger on for a longer duration. Yes, it was fun. Love you baby.

What I have seen is some people don’t really feel and believe that they deserve love. All they do is to walk away quietly into empty spaces and trying to close the gaps of the past. She seemed to be of that kind. And thankfully, I am not of that kind. Everyone has his/her own set of setbacks and one tends to lose trust. Trust becomes something of a rare material, you vowed you never do again and you keep your heart prisoner in that steel enclosure. But whoever said, time is a great healer, was a smart chap. slowly, heart does come out of that steel enclosure. As for me, I can not want anything to stand in my way of doing what I do best and that is to love, to make people happy. I am addicted to my fluctuation because that makes me more vulnerable but more open to new changes as well.

That girl, well, I call her princess had also sent me one of her favourite poems.

"There is pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society where none intrudes,
By the deep sea and the music in its roar;
I love not man the less, but Nature more."
— Lord Byron

I am exploring the grey matter of my oversized brain and the dusty by lanes of my heart even more vigorously now! I will find it. I don’t know what! But I will find it!

Rambling Ragas-3

2008-05-28T13:05:00.000-07:00

Some time back, I had a strange encounter with this weird girl. Young, free-flowing and mischievous. What took me by surprise was the fact that, she was not willing to reveal what I wanted to see. A façade! Ebullience masquerading in naked openness! She was open yet closed. Though she seemed at peace with herself but at the same time, there seemed to have a fading indication of running away from something. I enquired. She replied. She seemed honest yet something was missing!

I asked, can you explain yourself in few lines?

“Well, I can try!” “I like colourful candies and quantum physics and high heeled sandals. They always make me feel pretty (oh so appealing, I feel cute and witty and dazzling!). Sometimes I even wear heels while running. They are uplifting. Can you tell I like bad jokes?”

Now Mr Jay, what was that? Guess, fair enough description!
I probed further; she disclosed more but the simmering restlessness of missing some point was still there in my heart.

She went on; she is wandering like Yankee since two years. Surviving all alone. Meeting new people. Knowing new perspectives. And finding freedom. Finally, after two rambling years, she is into her ultimate and supreme adventure.
I enquired, how can you be so sure of this being your final hurrah?
She replied, I know it instinctively.
I wondered and asked so what’s this final adventure looks like?
She responded, “I am battling to kill the false being within and victoriously conclude the spiritual pilgrimage”.

For once, I could not reply. What kind of spiritual pilgrimage is this? Leaving all your relationships, your responsibilities, career on hold and acting vagabond?
Yes, she said, somehow, I was no longer willing to be poisoned by civilization so I fled and walked alone upon the land. I fled, but I am liberated now.
The world is intrigued with people that they can’t figure out and I am no exception. I said, does your liberation amounts to being a decapitated corpse who won’t feel any pain, any longer? If that is the case, my asking so many questions would be more like kicking a decapitated corpse in the groin which would accomplish very little.

She countered back,
“No, in fact I feel more alive now.
You see, what I found was we humans are like roads which are meant for walking and that’s what we will always do but every now and then, those known and unknown pedestrians are going to walk all over us.”

“I belong to a metropolitan city. Before I started wandering out, I had this thing about the sense of touch. In any real, big, bad city, you walk, you know? You often brush past strangers and people keep bumping into you. But in actual, nobody touches you. I was always behind this shield of metal and glass. And the reason people keep bumping, keep crashing into each other is because they miss that intimate/personal touch so much. And because of that crash they manage to feel something.
I wanted to feel things, I wanted to feel everything! I have touched many things and I have been touched by many as well!”
“You see, everyone dies but not everyone really lives. I think I am living.”

I was zapped. Eyes fixed at her. Her nonchalant expressions were making me fall for her.

Rambling Ragas-2

2008-05-13T06:54:00.000-07:00

Needless to say every journey is fascinating. And orkutting was one of those journeys.

I sometimes tend to pamper myself by thinking that; I possess a marvellous talent of the art of wondering at every small thing in life which come across my way! Be it, changing dynamics of relationships, fluctuating mindsets, inconsistent loyalties or even fountains of love showered upon my being from unexpected quarters. Ain’t they small things considering their far too common occurrence? I even wonder how come I am not untouched by these miniscule events?
The logic says because of my living in such society!

What society? The society, whose inception has always been doubtful? A society where the ignorant reign? A society, whose basic premises stipulate that, enlightened must hold their tongues? A society whose policy deciders, must profess half-hearted dedication to a primeval allegory or face the catastrophic consequences of speaking their true mind?

Well, I can go on but I wonder, again, of its relevance!
In the inner world, Lunatic fantasy paves way for a much mellowed down rambling ragas, bereft of ethereal elements of my existence like, arrogance, insanity and anger. Should it be named Neurotic’s Notebook rather than getting lost in the mumble-jumble of ragas of ruptured ramblings?

But why mellowed down version? Have I changed? May be. May be not. Does not matter actually. We all change, everyday. Some by choice, some by chance. It’s quite easy to stick to certain set of people, certain patterns of emotions, a particular cigarette brand, Hayward’s or kingfisher strong beer and last but not the least writing in a certain way. Because all these “certain” things helped me in getting relationships, recognition, adulation, identity, attachment etc but then the moment I think of that I find myself chained up to these certain things. And that’s when I find myself deteriorating, every second of my existence. It’s easy to be stereotyped and it’s uncomfortable to experiment.

Choice was mine. I guess, I am fulfilling my 2nd biggest birth right after freedom! Experimentation! Yeah, I wrote that right!

Move again. Don’t get fixated on one particular thought. Creativity is always fragmented. So am I. so is this rhythmic rabble!

And when I think of movement and rhythm, I think of sea-shore. I would love to spend an evening on beach with mild breeze caressing my soul. There, at that very place, one can feel the smell of unhindered freedom which is right there, for the taking. Go, snatch it. Feel blessed. Or even better, bow to the dying sun, to its vermillion aura and its promise of coming again, tomorrow! Feel like touching that blue/green water! Yes, we love sea. We love sea-shore. We love its purity and enormity. We love its strength. And all that despite knowing that the sea's only gifts are harsh blows and, occasionally, the chance to feel strong??

Guess, I am not too knowledgeable about sea except knowing few myths of sea-monsters, mermaids, Bermuda triangle, and trade routes etc etc. but I do know that precisely that’s the way it is here. It always has been. I don’t know swimming but I like to find myself at least once, to measure myself at least once in those harsh blows of sea. Isn’t it exciting to imagine, I am standing in the most ancient of human conditions, all alone, facing blind and I don’t have any weapons/instruments at my disposal except my own hands and my own head with a heart of gold! My! I am being so greedy! I have always been!

Rambling Ragas

2008-05-01T00:46:00.000-07:00

It was a weird week. Weird, umm...Yes, unless I resemble it to a stage of hopelessness, hollow or even desperate. Images kept colliding with stones of reality! It was a state of haunting past, few never thought before regrets, turbulent past and some certain discomfort of not-so-distant future!

How often do I feel like pondering over ever so endless journey, undertaken by me! Sometimes I seek my purpose. Purpose of my life and all that I manage to find is big zilch. Things take me to my own beliefs! My persona! Enigma or plain complex? Simple or pretender? I do not know! My beloved keeps saying me, you are a wonderful mix of various hidden and unexplored shades! I wonder yet I see myself blushing! Probably, the word extremist will spare me from all the adjectives! I Probe it further and I find an aesthetic voyager whose home is his tiny head and somewhat big heart! Escaped from home to seek ultimate freedom.

I meet all kind of people. Talk about males, females! I had an amazing assortment of variety! I have stopped counting types of shades I have witnessed in 1/3rd of my life! But the majority of them always chanted ragas of unhappiness. I kept on asking what makes them unhappy? Job? Love? Relationships? Parents? Friends? Yeah, mostly!
Fair enough!
What else?

And few of those other reasons made me think. Should I laugh? Or flash a wry smile? Should I try to find some sense behind those reasons?
Few of those reasons-

- He/she refused to accept me!
- I was proposed!
- I could not take my dinner/breakfast!
- A tiff with my colleague!
- What will happen to me if I don’t get the guy/gal of my choice!
- I have a bad stomach!
- Why am I not able to feel happy?

Quite genuine? May be, yes! I laughed. I really did. I even thought. I wondered. And what I found? Were those reasons were really insignificant to fret about or I had a larger perspective or they were right in their assessment? Why do so many of those, live within gloomy circumstances and yet will not have to take the initiative to alter their condition because they are conditioned to a life of protection, conventionality, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind. But if we look deep, in reality what could be more perilous to the audacious spirit inside a human than a safe and sound future?

I read this somewhere that “how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong... but to feel strong. Wouldn’t we be better with passion of adventure at our very basic core! Essentially, the joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun ".
Do I follow them as I write them? Yes, I do! That does make me lonely soul sometimes but don’t I have a right to be so? And if I have so, shouldn’t I accept it and move on!?

Almost two and half decades have passed since I have started walking the earth.
My sense of living says I have lived a luxurious life. Sometimes, I try to merge myself in the solitude of my surroundings! No phone, no calls, no people, no beer, no cigarettes and even no beloved! Ultimate freedom. In those moments, I feel blessed. Perfectly happy. I find no reason of my living and as Leo Tolstoy said in War and Peace, “If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, the possibility of life is destroyed."
Is there any other greater pleasure than discovering the reason that life itself has no reason! Well, Mr. Tolstoy you better talk to Ayn Rand! I will join the party later…

The sensical nonsense is far from finished…
===========================================================

Reality Of Dream!

2008-04-19T00:29:00.000-07:00

One of those days...fragmented...dissected...probably even brutal..! I guess, it does not matter any more. Its more like a flawless motion...something keeps walking. Yet it stands there...ever so diligently...

A labyrinth of weedy quagmire. He was lying over there...he was not comfortable with morning sun rays...but he managed to wake up...blurred eyes...
A look at him and he seemed half blind...oblivious to the fact that rays are getting stronger...he has to run away from his place...hide in some corner...

But no...Bastard had a tendency to face it...he did not want to run away like every other day...
Somewhere in his heart...he murmured...
Emerging rays,
Use me as you will,
Pull my strings,
Just for a thrill
And I know I will try to be okay
Though my skies are turning grey...

The place where he was sitting...On the notorious Bank side. He saw few drops of maligned water...black colour...could not see his reflection...but he could see reflection of light.

"O! I so like the blue glow...and how beautifully it’s reflecting onto the water!"
“Or Am I having nightmares, which won’t let me sleep...who don’t let me remain awake as well...?
It’s still dark? Or am I just unable to see through those rays..?”

He still had country liquor by his side...and all his pockets were turned empty...

He had to get up...trying hard to find the way out amongst maze of concrete buildings, beetle juice strewn roads...
"Oh watch out, you fool! Can’t you see few broken pieces of beer? Last night, that rich kid picked a decent looking girl...he already had two girls in his car...one sitting in the back seat...and other near the driver's seat...though, I couldn’t see her face..It was not visible. It was somewhere near the driver seat...wondering..!

Seemed as if she had succumbed easily to the force of gravity...most of the times, most women look for a knight in shining armour, perhaps she was looking for a werewolf and had actually found him!"
Never mind!

He moved further...felt hungry...tried to find some cash in his pockets...
He shouted..."damn me! What has happened to my memory?”
Scenes of last night again flashed in his mind. It was midnight! He was passing through that beat house! Heard some muted cries! Could not resist peeking inside...that constable was all inside that kid...kid was sobbing...he must be 15-16 years old..In that dim light, a flow of red line was distinctly visible. He sighed...none of his business!”
Constable saw him...gave an angry glance and asked, you want to be the next? Come on, empty your pockets...or I will lock you here for suspicious activities..!

He did not see any point in arguing...he gave whatever few pennies he had...!
While he was leaving...he felt as if boy was looking at him hopefully..!

He felt a bump in his throat...as if the candles blew then disappeared,
Unseen curtains flew and then again appeared, saying...ruthlessly...move on...don't be afraid,
Come on, boy..! Just move on!
Sometimes having a Sadist attitude Keeps your soul away from suffering...helps in salting one's insanity and just immortalizes conceited vanity...and that can be called a good bargain...in any case, losing one's conscience does not hurts much...

He was moving aimlessly...wandering through buildings and people...like a sex addict goes through condoms...his stomach started aching...but doesn’t matter...he is used to it...
His reputation always preceded him...call him a night stalker or a grim reaper...he always had a choked breathing...he always appearing like dropping dead...probably that’s how he was conceived and nurtured…

For the day, again two rejection. They say, they don’t have a vacancy...they also said,” he does not look like a working wannabe...he is just not fit for blue collar jobs...”

Out of all those things, Success is one of those things that take you by surprise! He felt as if even he had a right to be surprised, once in a while...people kept saying him, you have no wings...but does that mean anything?..Yes, they are right...but it still does not mean anything!

Sun started settling up in his abode...with disappearing sun, he started feeling like the king of cold with fire within...cold stays steady...the fire moves...that’s nature of their circuitry.

And a day just passed...the sun seems to have fun doing same stuff again and again for billion of years...when the sun will realize, that whenever it wakes up, it molests him...whenever it molests him, He wonders...
Should he bite his tongue? Or should he fall apart?
Or should he just wait until blood soaks his shirt?
It has ceased to hurt! This molestation is as painless as a wet noodle..! Or has he turned cheese?
Whatever...his mind keeps meandering towards unknown landscapes...

Sun was about to set...The last flicker of daylight calls upon him, but yet into the darkness he walks...
He felt miserable...and his misery was caused by few of those people...for whom his misery was their adventure...yes, it’s always a bargain...
He pretended to sleep again...never to wake up again...

He died...or he just faded...after all he was just a "dream"...one among many...a dream...like a rusty spoon forged from forks and nails of the ancient era...!

Life just keeps moving...dreams simply keep dying...!

When the darkness comes, one must go...
What to lament?
Seemingly nothing to lament!
Dawn and dusk will return tomorrow...
No matter what...
But I have not seen dreams returning upon death...

Tomorrow it will be turn of another dream...!
==================================================================================
Don’t bother
And don’t mourn d death
It’s just another
Gratis corpse
Of illegitimate
Child of My Dreams...

My duty is to bring random lines into life!!!!!!!!:

Wild's FairyTale!

2008-03-23T21:40:00.000-07:00

It was a perfect place for week-end vacations! Chirping of birds! Musical flow of river! Mild roars of wild, fee animals! The misty air and the sun plying hide and seek with unsuspecting clouds! It was nature at its best! Mysterious best! Nature’s best creation, through unplanned artistic endeavours makes one freeing his soul from the restraints of a mortal world...wild has mortal elements but their way of living borders on immortality..Here, the heavens declared the glory of God and infinite skies were proclaiming the work of his hands. Day after day, night after night they poured forth blessings and purity...

This jungle was no different...

The wild's co-habitants living lives in their own way...few roamed wildly...it was privilege of those who possessed power and who never relied upon their heart's calling! The meek trying to co-exist in their own unassuming way! In the dark corners of trees and virgin lands!

Small creatures were always afraid of scavengers and opportunists. One of them was a white dove. Chirpy, innocent and beautiful! Its feathers reflected the purity of its soul. Lost in the maze of its self-created world, it went about its task of living life. A dove's life! Dove had a happy feel about its existence. Waking up, going on with life, scanning the trees, branches, leaves for its living! Its nest was decorated with whatever can be called the need of the hour. A small space, perfectly fitting to its tiny size, nest did not have a base or a roof..! Few sideways doors, where it could sneak from as and when desired.

The dove's perfect life style lacked just one thing...wings! Its wings were not fully blossomed...not that, dove was not aware of it, but quietly reconciled to this hard fact, it often wondered how would it feel to fly? With no barriers, no restraints! Few drops would just fall down in those moments, but dove always managed to gather herself! I should not complain about the things which I don’t have! I am chained to my reality...and I still assume reality to be beautiful...

The wild was full of fascinating creatures...one of them was an eagle! Young, beautiful and with inborn gift of ability to fly high an dry! The eagles have a royal thing about them...one of the most wonderful sight is an eagle flying high with wings wide open...as if earth and sky merge together in its kingdom..It has a lazy appeal about it...the way it flies gives an impression of how confident it is of its abilities...but essentially its a predator...who keeps loking for its prey...and when its hungry...and hunts down,it looks even more beautiful..Calm,serence but ready to snatch away its meal. It’s kind of gory in a soft way...

One of those predatory hunt made it notice the dove...for once, eagle was mesmerized with dove's beauty but then the rule of wild says, if you hesitate even for a moment, you will die hungry...here the head rules the heart...it was about to grasp dove in its powerful jaw but some other easier meat distracted it...

Both had a different world...different perception of its existence...and both were happy...
Soon enough, eagle was on hunt again...his sharp memory reminded him of dove...lets colour this evening with soft, sweet meat of that beautiful dove...he hunts her..And soon finds her. Dove was resting in her nest...humming songs of belongingness...her face was radiant...unaware of what was going to befall upon her...she was lost...she was nourishing her half developed wings...sometimes, praying and some other times cursing God for them...yet optimistic enough..Eagle on his part, waited long enough...he could have given her a painless death but he kept watching...he had a smile on his face when he saw her singing and dancing...it seemed as if she was painting her own canvass ..With some mix colours...every colour was faded...vague...but she was happy using them...he waited long and she kept mesmerising him...he was hungry yet what he was witnessing was a rarity for him.

He had never ever witnessed a tiny creature's even tinier world! He knew nothing about song and dance but his mind said, its probably a way to celebrate life...to feel good about your self...so many times, he extended his jaw but stopped himself..

Suddenly, dove tunred...everything stopped...for a moment she looked fearful...and then everything changed...she stared at his eyes...it was brimming with curiosity...and wonders, why aint she afraid..? Isn’t she supposed to fear? Beg for mercy? Both kept staring at one another!

Something nudged eagle from inside...a voice...a beat...is this time I dispose of those petty tyrants? One on the throne of sky...flying away to unknown horizons...and one inside me! Her delicious meat may satisfy my hunger but is that the only way out?

Whereas dove's nerves were stable now...the initial fear of death was gone...he doesnt want to kill me otherwise he would have killed me? Why is he waiting? But sooner her thoughts, moved to his royal presence! He is big, powerful, belongs to a royal breed! His aura is invincible...and look at his wings...so wide...so beautiful..!

She touched his wings...and felt as if she was touching divine...eagle stood incredulously...wondering how he should react. For him everything seemed unreal...no other species had ever touched his wings..He was also not familiar with someone's touch. It felt good. But strange...it felt soothing but...out of world phenomenon...should I bite the hand which is touching me or should i just watch her next step...

Dove was in delirium ...now feeling his wings with her complete flesh...this cant be real...I knew, I was missing something beautiful but I never knew this was so beauiful...she was experiencing a complete transcendental occult..

Eagle’s blood started rushing. His each and every vein was aching...the mind was hungry, the heart was experiencing the never before felt sensations...

he was trying to give words to what he was feeling but no other word crossed his mind except beauty...sure, there are many other words but somehow, I am not able to allow them to reach my subconscious because they seem to be lost in its sheer beauty as well...eagle touched her...carefully...it was an innocent touch...

And she felt protected...and cared like never before...he touched again...and she immersed her being in his strong arms...she had her eyes closed..He had his eyes fixed on her face and feeling wonderful. Reincarnated...

It went on for hours...nothing else mattered...the world had stopped...two contrasting souls finding impossible in each other's embrace...
Dove whispered,
“Just hold on to my loneliness....I don’t want to move...
Did I ever need anything? Did I ever ask for anything?
I did not…I won’t...just be by my side...and swear on the eternity that you will always love me..!”

The dream continued...they met next day...and the next day...and then next week...she was no more fearful of unknown...he was no longer feeling a strength with hollowness at its fulcrum...he was feeling complete..Giving...caring...nurturing...feeding...

And the dove. Started believing...in don’t know what...but she started...her half wings were no longer making her feel incomplete...she ran to him every time...and nature witnessed something phenomenal...then they started to fly...she looked at her abode and said..Goodbye...she had become what they were together...unison of souls...she learned how to fly even with those wings...

And then one fine day. He put his shivering lips on her's...
Something happened...
............
...........
Did clouds roared? Did heart stop beating?
..........
..........
Yes, noone knows what happened..!
……….

He was lying down...his stunned face turning dark...from the corners of his mouth, few blood drops started dripping...he was losing consciousness...

What was that?

"Were those lips poisoned? Yes..
Or am I hallucinating about my impending death? What’s happening?
Am I going backward, in a different time zone?
Slowly rewinding things of future!
Or am I trapped inside my memory?
Was I betrayed? Or did my mind betray me?
Or something else is unravelling slowly...
Am I being haunted by my own heart?
Or did I try to breathe in an artless life?”

Dove stood calmly..! Same sernity...at peace with herself..!A faint smile...

.. Few flutters...and a crow emerged from the bush...singing and dancing in his ugly way...
Dove smiled...crow laughed back..!
They hugged each other..!

"I love you my princess!"

"I love you too my king crow!"

Dove thought to herself...

"It’s a beautiful lie...I had to survive...the nature of wild follows no rules...no hearts...
Moreso, it just demanded an act! Survival of the smartest...! After all he was an eagle. A predator essentially…...
It’s a perfect denial...though I was true to myself...i did what I had to...and crow is not a bad choice...
He is just ugly but in bargain, I also get a life long slave!
And love? Yes...I loved his wings...I will have them in his memory…
My dear crow, would you please cut those large wings of that predator who was trying to snatch away your beloved and gift me? "

Crow thought to himself...
I know I am ugly...where else can I get such beautiful partner?
I know I will stand by her...forever...!

Eagle was about to die...wondering how it panned out...

He whispered...

"You should know how I feel. you pulled me back to an unknown territory and then...just pushed me off...to be alone the rest of my life...but keep flying my love...I wonder, whether you can look at my tears or hear my muted cries...I wish you could come closer...but don’t come closer even If you suppressed heart says it..You have done enough...
Sweetheart, is this the life you lead or I could not see a life that led for you!
Perhaps the universe is designed to break one's heart...
But all I will say is...please smile while I bleed...
It’s just your smile that I need...
Smile while I die...but never ever ask me why!!
After all it was a beautiful lie to believe in..."

Dove never heard those whispers...

Gibberish Gyan!

2008-03-03T23:43:00.000-08:00

I woke up once again, listening to the echo of my muted screams. I was gasping for air, pure, calm air. but all I could inhale was smell of few burning skins along with suffocated dreams, broken wings and sighs of "kill him, kill him"! I was still carrying knife in my hand, carving a picturesque shape of perfectly symmetrical square. Blood drops dripping form the upper two corners of the divine square. I looked at the mirror. Everything looked blurred. But I could figure out a sense of indifference on my ugly face. Mirror appeared all red and glowing and I fell in love with its reflection on my face. The blood tasted bitterly sweet and I was in delirium. I could see presence of few faces, but had trouble identifying them. Could not even identify their expressions. Blood kept on dripping and I was lost in collecting them. They nourish my dreams so perfectly. Rest I just gift to my friends.

It’s getting dark and when I opened my eyes I found myself in never land.
The walls were all white. There were various holes in the walls. Each hole had a note containing a thought and instruction, asking me to explain them or else, I won’t be able to feed my unidentified spectators with my blood drops. First note to justify god's actions and their playfulness...second, human psychology...Third, women...And so on...my neurotransmitters were required to take over from there...And it went about its duty of bringing random lines in to my life...

You see, I love gods. I am an atheist and non-atheist. I believe in their miracles and I am a fan of their strategies. Why don they come to corporate conference rooms? I am pretty sure with their help; business houses would be able to decimate their competitors.shrewed, smart and cunning to the core, my dear lords! What gave you such an ingenious idea to first create devils and then destroying them and making yourself immortal! That’s called genius. Every god had to die in unforeseen circumastances.mohammad, Jesus, and the likes had to go through all sort of punitive measures which were later christened sacrifices. it really helped in glorifying their existence so that mankind could understand the importance of their selfless sacrifices. But tell me, if it was not called or rather propagated sacrifice who the hell would have understood the futility of their death. Killed who? Who saw it? Who wrote the description? Why the hell Buddha left everything including his young wife and a toddler? To attain nirvana? To achieve enlightment? My foot! To preach peace and importance of leaving behind all attachments! One wonders, when the so called god himself did not fulfil a small duty of holding his family why on earth we ordinary mortals are expected to do so! Yeah, perhaps in the veil of some bigger purposes!

I wonder why gods need to glorify themselves, they way they did. Why Rama and Krishna (read Vishnu) had to take human forms to kill baddies? After all he was a god with infinite powers. He could have killed them directly. first you make the villains (kansh, ravana) immortal, blessing them with impractical benedictions then you take birth in good family, have fun with chicks, glorifying each n everything including how you shit, how and to how many you make love, making them registered in collection of lengthy book called religious scriptures and then just kill the villain and there goes chants of hail lord. Hail lord..! And the point is, what you gain, is great respect and blind following of billions of fucked up blind humans till eternity! Someone in a movie said, the biggest trick the devil ever pulled was to make the world believe that he does not exist. Well, devil was smart enough but our dear lords are always hell bent upon making us believe that devils do exist and he is the one who is going to protect us. Hail lord!

If gods do the same pity things, leaving behind trail of many tricks of deceit, sex and violence, why should humans feel left behind? They have to complement gods. Each and every fucking human is motivated by its own selfish reasons. Every human follows its own dictums, own wicked motives, conspiracies. That is not a problem. The problem arises when they pretend and pass statements like no, we live for others. We care for our fiends. We love selflessly. I am happy with you. I will die without you. My, my don’t they get tired of it? When Ayn Rand talked about invidualism and capitalism, half of the world stood against her. She just stated the obvious. Why are we so afraid of accepting the truth? If we are selfish, think of our well being as our primary objective, what’s wrong with that! Why one does has to pretend? And the irony is, it’s fashionable to be called individualist! Ask half of those crooks to spell this term!

Try to find the meanings associated with psycho analysis of the earlier species that descended upon the earth. Charles Darwin came up with the theory of survival of the fittest! i wish he could specify how various species survive. The powerful finishing away the meek is just one side of the story. Victimising the weak by the sheer use of force would not achieve the purpose. It’s not about killing the flesh and blood alone. One has to kill the spirit and there lies the true victory. When the man came along, he had to kill animals to fulfil his hunger. As societies started brewing up, the common factors were muder, deceit, fraud, schemes, polygamy. Those were the norms. Conscience never even existed. Those norms exist even more strongly today. But what has changed is they are used in a planned way, behind the veils. What’s the difference between man and animals? Brain? Sensibility? Well, that grand usage of brain is so clearly visible in matters of sex and marriage. That’s the biggest hypocrisy. Gods, kings could have as many as queens as they wanted. But we citizens of social republic cant have. But here again, if you are from upper class with the power of paper notes, it’s possible with you.

Sex before marriage??? Curse/immoral/unethical! Is it? Yes, because a girl's chastity is of supreme importance. If you lose it before marriage you have no character. But yes, when you are fucked on your wedding night, it is merger of two souls who have decided to stick/tolerate each other for next seven births (as if one birth is not sufficient).s wow..! i am impressed..!And here "wow" is not a game, it’s an addiction! But in the hindsight, if it is done in some corridor, rented hotel room, toilet, it’s all fine. All you need is the ability to appear virgin.yet; someone would please explain why condom sales are its maximum during the auspicious and religious occasion of Navratra? Leave alone only unmarried and youngsters, so many mrs x,y n z get screwed by the likes of mr a,b and c..Who noticed? Did they? Now, here we should not care.., no? Come on; let’s play dandia...dholi taaro dhol baaje..!Here every male worth his education, is intrigued by mystery of Cleopatra, who was a man eater! But come back to males family, society if they find a woman meeting eyes with strangers, all hell breaks lose!
When a French president goes public with his affair with a super model who is a staunch believer in polygamy, people makes faces, question the integrity of his character. When amitabh bachachan romances a 16 year old girl. People burn posters, pelt stones on the screen, because they find it unethical! Gimme a break, you unauthorized moral guardians! Given a choice and chance every 50 years male who is very starved of taut skin and young flesh, would love to go for a teenager's embrace. But no, we represent society; we have to talk about some non-existent values and virtues. It’s a different matter; everything goes up in smoke, when we switch off the lights of our bedrooms. There, in the dark shadows, virginity is the most aspired thing. There, we would not mind screwing a blooming bud.

Even in this merger of male-female spirit is so vicious and uneven. since beginning,male,the mindless creatures, have kept themselves indulged in ruling, carrying swords,preaching,hunting prey, selling/buying household commodities whereas females! Well, they have ruled the roost. Did someone really understand the term homemaker? The genes itself mastered the art of making and even more skilfully breaking homes. One draupadi caused mahabharat.one sita caused Ramayana. Another keykeyi forced Rama to exile. It still works the same way. They say, movies, drama reflect the reality of societies. Then I am not surprised why all the vamps in the ekta kapoor serials are poplar. Every home has a wicked female vamp. Otherwise what else would explain the popularity of Tulsi? The lone warrior in the notorious K-serials! Who do we admire the most? Who do we wish to follow? The person, who to some extent symbolizes what we are not, the good things we would have wished to possess! Doesn’t popularity of Tulsi reflect the desire of many households to have same type of daughter/sister/daughter-in-law and mother in law? And why that strong desire? Just because types of tulsis are rarity! Because females can’t be like that! So on one hand they love her and on the other, many of them despise her simply because they can’t be like her!

Talking of new age rage of women empowerment, my head starts spinning when i think of how it has panned out. Few females are so empowered that playing with guys feelings make them feel empowered. Having a job, steady income, ability to dance out the complete night, having a fag and drink are the few symbols of empowerment. Now the notion of true love says, first have many relationships, taste n test as many guys possible and choose the one your mom decides. That’s empowerment.now, instaed of guys riding you, you can ride them. You have to be on top of them, literally and figuratively. What males have done to you females since inception, do it to them. Make them go gaga over you. Take your time. And then in a flash, break it hard. Burn the pics; flush it in your toilet. Job is well done. Did not my mom teach me, revenge is a dish best served when it’s cold? A recent study says, on an average a male spends almost one year of his life staring at women's breasts, hips and legs! Did someone say yuckkk?? Come on, you bra-burning feminists, raise your voices! Make slogans of condemning men and asking who gave men these rights? Or just enlighten me, whether you are delighted to be ogled so vehemently?

Let’s make it easy babes. Come on honey, humans are primarily created to reproduce. We are nothing but mammals, so lets do it like they do it live on discovery channel.feminism, afterall is much hyped but a waning virtue. Finding a female who is firm yet understanding, strong yet sensible, tough yet sensitive, is like rubbing Aladdin’s chirag and asking the jinn for impossible. Even jinn won’t appear because granting a simple wish like that is beyond their power.

Finally, relationships! Made by blood and self-made! Promises, deals, extravagant shows of bonding, attachment and never to be fulfilled broken beliefs! What exactly causes those feelings which were forced to come into existence so that later on it comes handy while one breaks hearts! Name it, and you have it. Changing dynamics of families, so called love, greatness of friendship (why the hell, am having a wry smile on my ugly face?).People change and more they change, more they remain the same. In real terms absolutely nothing changes.

Someone said...”Nazar toh wahi rehti hai,nazaria badal jaata hai"! Who causes that change of nazaria? Self. Right? No, but we love to blame others. People tend to blame parents, beloved, and friends for every failure of theirs. One of the mot common sight in world is relationships wreaking havoc on individuals because of a miscommunication. But they won’t talk. Now here lord turns himself in ego, arrogance without any substance! Mortals hail those new age mantras of ego/arrogance! Every relationship is need based.but, we have sworn upon our forefathers never to accept this plain truth.afterall, we are selfless, generous and there is no way out to make your presence count in a relationship except these false notions! It’s all fake. Lie and deceit rule the roost. Silly, its practicality! Be realistic mate! Ok, hail my all relationships.

My neurotransmitters stopped working. Exhausted, they brought me back to current time zone. I was transported back to my two rooms flat. I was staring at my mirror. Everything seemed to be a dream. I don’t want to think about that. The world will appear meaningless. I found similarity with the joker of "Mera Naam Joker". The protagonist keeps moving. He loves and he fails. He loves again and fails again. Russian actress in her broken Hindi says 'phir milenge' and joker smiles. Yes, phir milenge. He wants to see the world happy. He acts foolishly, the people laugh and move on.afterall, they got entertained, and they got their money's worth. Its done. Finally the big heart is broken into pieces. People cry this time but move on, very swiftly. Probably this joker has nothing more to offer now!

Mirror knocked my subconscious...you still did not get it?
It said "you fool, why don’t you slit the bastard's throat? The bastard who is innocent, honest, caring and loving! Doesn’t he knows, world hardly cares for those extinct attributes? Rather that allowing it to get trampled, rattled and watching its slow death, why don’t you just slit its throat? Because you believe in the maxim hope floats? Since when you have started seeing the hope floating without any speed breakers! Everyone carries a pseudo image of itself and so do you. Yes, this bastard called 'conscience' has no parents! No legality. Its orphan. Give up my weary wolf!"

This time, I kept staring at it. The knife was back in my hand. The square had got bigger and better.now, it was flooding with blood. The only thing which changed was, my ugly face had a big laugh on it. Spectators' faces were getting clear. I could see their happy expressions. They demanded my blood.
Take as much as you want. That’s why I have been collecting the luscious drops. By the time, you collect them, let me be happy. Let me laugh out loud. Aint I one of those scheming humans, pretending to be generous and giving?

The rest is still unwritten....!

Yes,Ramu Watched It All...!

2007-12-29T02:49:00.002-08:00

It was six PM in the evening. The shutters were not yet closed. The old cacophony still hanged on in the premises. I am used to these noises for years. It’s a Kind of soothing music. People running here and there. Owners shouting at their employees. Customers pleading to traders. Few even getting angry! Everyone is in Hurry!

Mr.Parekh called up and enquired about the delivery.
"Arre saheb, parekh bol raha hoon!
Maal abhi tak deliver nahi hua..."

"Parekh saheb, pehle rokra iss baar..! Aapka khaata bahut din chal chuka...”

"Parekh replied...arre jignesh bhai...samjha karo...customer khade hai baahar...once i get the delivery, i wil clear all the dues!"

"No parekh, the big apple group has already paid for the entire commodity! It’s a six month advance! Ab kaha...udhaar khaata chalta hai...you can see it na, the Mode has changed! Advance payment, and you get the delivery! No running after traders! Time has changed parekh saheb!"

Parekh continued...”jignesh bhai, we have old relationship! It was never this way! Did I ever make you wait? Aapko saara amount mil jaata hai na?!"

Jignesh- "parekh bhai...I do understand, but time has changed! Its era of globalization! First you pay, and then you get the delivery! Relationship is at its own place! Business apni jagah! Sab badal gaya hai parekh bhai...”

"hello? Hello?"
The line was disconnected..!

I was watching all...parekh bhai's forehead was laden with sweats! I could see him pleading with all other options, the other traders...but none of them budged..!He tried to explain customers but all of them threatened to shift to other traders..!
He pleaded...he tried to explain...he asked for forgiveness...he asked for time...he reasoned them the years old relationship...
Nothing worked..!

He ordered me to close down the shutters!
And walked away...all dejected...dispointed...head hanging low...
I was watching it all...!
====================================================================
Mrs Parekh had just ordered kitchen items. The doorbell rang.
“Yes ma'm...please accept your stuff!”
The stuff comprised, vegetables, grains, daily use commodities! All from food bazaar!
Stuffs were all polished! Packaged! Having plastered price tag used over them! With the ever so enticing DISCOUNTS..! Up to 15 to 30 percent..!
In few of the things...even to the extent of 50 percent..!
The prospect was indeed salivating...if you take one kg of kohinoor basmati rice, it will cost you 50 rupees. But if you purchase three kgs, it will cost you just
89.99 rupees..!
Wow...a clear cut discount of 60 rupees.! Any house wife would give an eye for that!

Mr.parekh was watching it all!
"Dipti, dont you know, I was bringing the same rice for 25 rupees?
"Dekho ji, aap har baat mein kich-kich mat karo!?
It’s a different type of basmati rice! It has more shine, more taste and see the packaging! Packaging itself would have costed 10 rupees!"

Parekh tried to answer; the packaging costs not more than 30 paisa! But the smile which the delivery boy greeted with you definitely costed you almost 100 Rupees! I will bring the same rice next time, if you prefer it so much!

"Aap rehne do! Main bhi dekh chuki, aap kya kya laate ho..!"

And Mr Parekh walked away...all dejected...dispointed...head hanging low...
I was watching it all...!

===============================================================================================
Accha suno ji! How does this look? Maroon colored, laced lingerie!
Mr Parekh stood shocked!
“Since when you have started wearing this? “

She replied,” I watched it on Victoria’s secret show! There were so many fascinating designs, with different colors; different patterns and few were just wow..! Totally Transparent! They did cost a bomb! But then, I needed to flaunt it in the kitty party! Afterall, with changing times, we need to upgrade ourselves as well!
Afterall, with changing times, we need to upgrade ourselves as well! And It feels good to be aware of your own sexuality, even if demands to expose my cleavage a bit or just wearing transparent stuff!”

“Anyways, you won’t understand, you are oblivious to new world!
I wish I had a modern husband!
I am going to watch FTV 11 PM show...!”

Mr Parekh walked away to his bedroom...all dejected...dispointed...head hanging low...
I was watching it all..!
==========================================================================
Pinky shouted,……….. mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What’s this? From where the hell did you bring this wheat? Chapatti tastes so yuckkkkk!!!

“Beta, it’s from, dad’s wheat mill!”

“I knew it! You are still cooking things from dad's antique museum?”

Mr Parekh intrrupted...pinky...beta...its home grown...of good quality..!

Listen dad! Chillax!
“I know what I like! And I know what’s the quality of your so called home grown, well cooked, well packaged, well delivered, and well prepared good quality stuff!

I can’t take this all! Mom...i am gonna have, some pizza and burger! You better Taste that old man and then you will find what service and quality is all about!
Come’ on give me some cash. I have run out of my credit card balance! And tell ramu to deposit cash in my account!”

Mr Parekh kept chewing the yuck chapatti...all dejected...dispointed...head hanging low...
I was watching it all..!
====================================================================
Sonu came rushing from his swanky motorbike!

"Dad.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you nuts? Mumma, why don’t you make him understand? I have a standing among my mates! They think, I am the son of a big time businessman!!
My foot! Why the hell did not you tell me, what stuff he gifted me on my birthday?
You know what’s it called?
Damn...!!
He gifted me a khaadi shirt???? Khaadiiiiii?? Can you believe that?
You realize how the guyz made fun of me??
Probably you don’t because dad never had any dress sense! But I needed clothes to suit my bike and gizmos!
I want to have new attire by evening!
And listen...i just saw this new N82!
Get that for me before any of my friends get a hand on it!”

Mr Parekh kept reading newspaper...with an eye on his old cell phone........all dejected...dispointed...head hanging low...
I was watching it all..!
==================================================================
MR PAREKH...we are sorry...! The supply has all dried up...even if you in pay in advance, the delivery have been booked for next 8 months! We have received amazing Prices for it!
Though, being a friend I will suggest you! Better shift to some other business! Shut it down! Or just take a franchise for any of the big retail boy! They are Bigger than you...! When surrendering your ownership can make you more prosper, whats the need of being your own owner..!?
Afterall, paisa bolta hai sarkar...!”

Mr parekh kept mum with a wry smile....all dejected...dispointed..Head hanging low...
I was watching it all..!
=============================================================
Those were the days...traders and farmers sitting together...making deals...the business ran on trust, credit and co-operation...the sound of Seth ji, used to Give amazing highs...!
Tackling customers...going back to home...gifting plain white, cream colored linegrie to wife and her reacting as if it was a wedding night gift...kids Were rooted...the focus was on 'sanskaar'! Worldly things will come and go...

But now we live in a globalized world...we thought economics says, 2 plus 2 equals to four...but now just four is there...noone wants to know four requires some inputs as well...
Probably, new economy is helping people become 'intelligent' and enable the country to get modernized.

Dipti was right, I have become obsolete...!
“Ramu…… shut the shop....forever..!
Mr Parekh was walking back to the home...and he stopped midway...looking for victoria's secret gallery and nokia gallery..!

He was no more dejected...disappointed....he is obsolete now...
Yes, i, Ramu, watched this all...!

White Stick

2007-12-29T02:49:00.001-08:00

Hi,
Greetings,
Its not so quiet evening, with kids running here and there in the middle of the busy streets. I was lying still. Body was not moving but thoughts were moving at the speed of....well...as only thoughts can! Wondering about my existence! My purpose! My contribution! It has taken a complete civilization to understand my own self!
I have been subject to numerous researchs, experiments and criticism! So, that at least keeps me constantly in news! I have never shied away from the attention I have been getting! A complete privilege, indeed!

But, then, half of the world feasts on me and other half is hell bent on destroying me. Even those who love me, blame me for all the troubles. I wonder, why? I have always been loyal. A delight. A soother. Then why they want to eradicate me for mistakes, which were never intentional on my part. I have been used, misused. But I have also been customised, decorated, provided with best of care, ultimately to sacrifice myself!
Have you seen how people care about sacrificial lamb? They feed him, nourish him, and keep him healthy. All this is done, just to consume him, finally.

Writers have written books on me! Compared me with all the sins and pleasures!
But am I more harmful than other eternal favourites of writers?

They talk about females! Descendents of Venus! True. They are. Fascinating. Intelligentsia fantasises about female beauty! Their anatomy! But think of me! Am I less beautiful? I think I am exquisite. World is crazy after triple headed beast of 36-24-36! A rare occurrence yet, admired, craved to no end! Even if one of the measures is not balanced, it takes a complete lifetime to get them in shape! Women deceive themselves on account of these number games! And Men are made to deceive under this numerological trap!
Whereas, i, always slim, well proportionate! No issue of fat, diet, out of shape! Whatever you put inside me, I am containing it. I don’t even increase men's perennial confusion! How many men are sure about what whether they would prefer, Angelina jolie's lips or Meg Ryan’s? Whereas, I will always come ever so smoothly on your lips! No tantrums! Just kiss me softly, and I will please you until my last breath.

One of my masters says, girls are cruel and I could not agree more.
You never need to make any extensive preparation for me, no apprehensions, no fear of cruel reactions, no ego, no oversmartness, and no petrified emotions!

Trust me!

So often, they talk about love and beloved ones. Illusive love! Understanding between two fools or plain need based compromise or best way to deceive yourself or just something beyond an ordinary human's realm of definiton!? What’s common between me and love? We both are addictive! We both finally die! But that is it.
I am better than love. Think, how?
Love burns your being, your emotions and finally you! Whereas I burn myself to please you. I destroy myself to calm your nerves.ok; you can blame me for harming
You as well! But then, by the time I harm you, didnt you had unlimited pleasure? Didn’t I ease the pressure on your semantic sensory feelings? You completely used me, misused me, and behaved as you wanted. I never protested. Now think about love? One night of immense pleasure and two nights of tears. Love makes you anxious; woried, craving, desperate and I provide the solution for all these. If I affect in the final analysis then love also does that! You can cure my affect but can you ever cure love's after effect? If I am hazardous physically, love does it on emotional and mental plane!
Physically you can recover, emotionally ...well....! ?
You don’t trust me? Ok, take this famous comment, "I thought I couldn't afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up fag. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: "Oh well," and I went back to breathing fire again, and that was better"!
See, Even great minds justify my usefulness.

Do think honestly. Think rationally. I may be bad but better than bigger vices of girls and love.

Take my artistic worth! Many writers have produced their work based on my shape! I can be circular, weirdly shaped and more so even shapeless! Lovers try to create faces of their beloved in my shape or rather shapelessness! Watching my smoke coming out of 84 MM length reminds you of watching a girl dance out of her dress. I have even received many compliments. One which truly honours me is, by Gulzar-

"Itna lamba kash lo yaar ki dum nikal jaaye,
Zindagi sulgaaye yaaro gam nikal jaaye!"
Now that’s some compliment. Though, my feet are firmly established in ‘plants’.

Always available at you fingertips, my serene white colour contains a sweet elixir. I carry it and kill myself slowly just for the sake of two legged animals. While kissing me, keep silent and think of fire in your mind and heart.afterall, world is nothing but a jumbled collection of wind and smoke.

Well, you can try to leave me but think of the missing factor.
You will feel fit. Suicidal but fit.
You will feel different. Slightly irritable, moody, deprssed but you will feel different.
Lungs will be fine, but mouth will be aching to suck me. But lungs will be fine.

Now I will take your leave. My master is craving for me! And it feels good to be kissed by him.
Breathe my fire, fuel your desire and let the life burn itself as destined!
Sometimes, you don’t feel like living unless you are killing yourself.

P.S- Smoking is injurious to health.

Adios.

Faithfully yours...
White stick.

Jigsaw Memoirs -5(The End)

2007-12-29T02:46:00.000-08:00

That was the only mistake I committed. Because I knew my mistakes could slowly fuel my mental destruction, and will eventually leave me with nothing.
But soon enough, I made the top echelons forget that episode with my subsequent performances. With time flying by, my targets kept on being more specific and elite! Politicians, business tycoons, famous celebrities kept on adding themselves to my victim lists.

It was a high seeing fears on these faces in their times of reckoning! Those very public faces always belied a fake confidence and self-belief which actually stood naked when they faced death. In the privacy of their bedrooms, there always was nervousness, tension, fear of losing it all and 'will it last long' Question hanging from their bitter faces!
It used to be an ecstatic feeling finding their destiny in my hands! One push of my finger, and they are gone!
I swear, I could not have traded this power with any other thing in my life!

The power of controlling others destiny and the power of being able to be a slave to Amanda!

===========================================================================
We just completed two years living together! We colored the world with the hues of our passion! We could not have enough of each other! Our love makings never needed any aphrodisiac.
When I found shades of meek mermaid, I nurtured her. Holding her in my arms as if this is all she needed. When I found her rousing Lioness streak, I surrendered...
Waiting to be burnt in her burning desires!
Waiting to be a victim of her claws!
Waiting to be lost in the maze of her never ending tresses!
Waiting to be scratched from her shining nose ring!

Whenever I found her teeth in my neck, it was a feeling of all of my pains being sucked away!
It was a stress reliever seeing many mischiefs dancing on her little nose!
Her expertise in household affairs did not leave me with any scope of even a single complaint!
Her temper, was little volatile but when you are in love; you embrace that anger because you find it an added attraction!

Don’t we love "despite" instead of "because"?

One of those unending nights,
Amanda, am I a stupid mortal trying to mark my place in the world?
Or am I a lost Fool trying to find my place in the world?
Or am I a twisted Monster dreaming for happiness in my hollow world?
Won’t you please judge me fairly as I am trying to bring forth my dreams to reality...!!

she took my head in her lap and almost whispered, Let the world break you down as if you care, you have got nothing more to lose, like shattered glass!
Fly into those Pieces you are already torn and you know what, there’s a way to shine, if there's a will! And you have plenty of them...you always say, you tend to hide in your dreams, so I tell you 'not to sleep'...just keep loving me...!

She never questioned my frequent night absence! She did not feel like asking and I did not feel like explaining!

Though, lately, whenever we made love, somehow, i started having uneasy vibes of her body not following her soul! The rhythm of her skin was not in sync with mine! I glanced at her and her eyes said nothing!
=======================================================================

It was her desire of having a baby! I was not comfortable with the idea but did not resist either! I was sceptical about my own ability of being a good Father...she understood it and assured me!

People say that life screws us all....well, I just thought! You know what, Daniel? I think its time to grab a hold of life, bend it over and say: "Alright Life...now it’s your turn...! What the heck..!
Who knows, probably my not having a good childhood would have resulted into my turning into a good father!

And when I held little Meryl for the first time in my trembling hands, I realized what I would have missed! The joy was beyond my existence!
I had never cried so much! I had never cared so much!
Destiny had just changed! I had just become father! A proud father...

I love you Amanda!

===========================================================================

And in my profession...i was just promoted...Meryl had brought me luck...rather than being a mere pawn, i was incorporated in the decision making hierarchy!
Now I could order instead of executing them! I had to study, analyze and strategise about our targets! Though, supposedly, i became more powerful, I started Going restless! I was itching for action..!
The sight of blood...the sound of bang bang! And finally, my eternal aphrodisiac, 'power'! I was missing that power..!

Though, number of killings had decreased! We were firmly established as the instigator of fear factor! Frequent killings had given way to short calls!
Wanting to have a pie of this lucrative industry, new sharks had started rearing their heads! Time had come....action was about to begin!

==========================================================================
What makes one stop loving? What makes one's love for his soul mate reduce?
Loyalty?
Boredom?
Or just a forceful wave of emotions for someone else?
Did I err? Or I failed to revitalise the already rejuvenated relation?
I never got any warning! I never saw it coming! Love makes you take things granted! But then, girls are ruthless and love is barbaric!
More so a lady is like a secret about a secret. The more it tells you, the less you know...

=========================================================================

For one month, I remained thoroughly engrossed in my work! I forgot Amanda, I forgot Meryl! It was time to pay back to my calling! It was time to pay for my Things which had given me, identity, power, dignity and sense of being alive! The sharks had to be tackled in the best way possible!
Elimination was the only word, doing the rounds!
How, why, where? That’s all I had to decide!
I was given a free hand! And brutality was unleashed! I did not hear bang bang for a month!
All I heard was, it’s done!
One more done!
One more gone!
Clear!

....finally...the ruthless efficiency reined! A job well done..!

And one fine day, chief told me, how good you look when dressed in rage. Your enemies are rather fortunate that your condition is not permanent. And you're Lucky too because Red eyes suit so few...I instantly knew, I was ready for even bigger roles!

The only regret was...not being in the arena...performing actions...!

==========================================================================
And when I came back....on the onset of Christmas...
I did not know, Santa Clause had brought me this gift..!

Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the... universe that day...

Few anonymous calls!
Amanda not so willing to make love!
Probably, PMS...
Probably...post pregnancy syndrome...
Probably mood swings...temper...
But how long?

Bolted door and hours long whispers!
"What’s wrong"?
"I do have a personal life and I don’t really feel like welcoming any questions!"

Ok...i will wait...
I did...days...weeks...

"Why don’t you just kill me with the love you won't give to me and fill the wound with salt....? I want to feel it bleed...bleed profusely...
I continued...
"Why don’t you just share, what it is?.."

"I wouldn’t prefer to explain it! I think, every relationship comes up with an expiry period! The other guy fascinates me even more! Call it love or whatever!
Though, I still care for you...!"

When lightening strikes you, normally you are not alive to feel it..!
I did...was I shattered? Broken? Or completely numb?...let me find another metaphor..!

"No other reasons?" I murmured...

"Not at all...isnt it all very natural? We never had any promises. We did not even marry...! I just got bored honey!"

Fair enough...

Trap of emotions..!
I hate these tears! They always have to come out in most inappropriate moments! They love to disclose your heart condition! They love to make your already Shattered heart appears even more fragile! In those times, they work for the ones who broke you! These tears are the ultimate ditcher..!

The regret of not being in the arena...not performing my perfected actions started resurfacing...!
I looked at sleeping Meryl..! Don’t worry angel..! I will be guarding you..!
===========================================================================================
Amanda was looking beautiful...! Her closed eyes yet again, revealed nothing! The marvel statue glistened even more! Not a single flow..!

The bosom still felt Alive as if the heart inside wouldn’t want to stay away from those perfectly carved curves! The cloud of black tresses were swimming in the red liquid flowing Underneath her...I touched her face...red colour suited her...it symbolized her passion...love...spirit...
And it just completed the picture...the art...!

I kept on holding her...didnt I want this all my life? Didn’t she want this always?

Target had to be her heart..! That’s the place I belonged to...
Just two shot...

"I love you Amanda...more than ever before...
And I love you more than you do..!" and I kissed her goodbye...! A kiss of death!

=======================================================================

I was back to my farm...lying down on the soil...feeling the dead body of my unwed wife, which was nourishing the corn on the tilled land and corn had just Started Growing...it’s a green burial and a sight to behold...yes, she is buried beneath...even after her death. I can still feel her...

I religiously keep a bunch of white roses for her...it was supposed to be her job but nevertheless, I am performing it...
I wish you were happy... that's all...
Sometimes I just tear my heart open but I sew myself shut. Probably my weakness was that I cared too much. And my scars keep on reminding me that the past is More than real. I just tear my heart open, only to feel. Probably you've had enough of it all, but then, you left me here to wait!

And I, all over again started feeling the rustic mix of red blood and black emotions...
Until.....

"Father, where are you?..Its getting dark....wont you come back...?!!"

Jigsaw Memoirs- 4

2007-12-29T02:45:00.002-08:00

Slowly I started gathering reputation in my work. No-nonsense attitude, hundred percent track records was taking me to new highs. My evolution was faster than the light. Nothing in the whole universe could keep up with my evolution.

I spoke less and thought more.

In this world, having friends amounted to nurturing potential rivals. So, I had none. I was not into daily affairs of the organization. Even we had hierarchy and Departments. Being a sniper was a tough job but extremely enjoyable and satisfying. One needed to be accurate with a non-wavering concentration. There were few More like me and depending upon the timing, locality and expertise we were assigned our respective tasks.

May the demons of invisible inspiration flow through my veins endlessly...it was a pleasure touching the blood of different humans, once they were dead...
At times I wondered, if I am cut in two pieces, instaed of blood oozing out, pieces of that metallic beauty would come out with a sound of bang bang...! Wouldn’t that be a right dedication to the profession I love?!

I was living a double life. I chose arts as my subject because it fascinated me to no end.infact; art and killing were almost similar. Both have no methods, no Logics behind it. But both possess an inherent beauty. One could just feel it. It comes from inside. When one kilss, it kind of paints a beautiful picture. Instead of brush and colors, one uses metallic beauty and blood. And the end product is almost similar.

One always feels, it could have been slightly better. A Bit more refined, a bit more contrast, and few more drops of blood. Now it appears wonderful!
A job well done, finally!
She held my hands and clutched it hard. I felt a lump in my throat. A craving, desire and an eternal wish of losing myself to someone, to Amanda! Her eyes said nothing!
I felt like saying nothing! It was complete dark with few streetlights devouring it of complete dominance. We sat in the garden firmly holding each other’s hand. I felt a touch of her beautiful bosom. She did not react and I kissed on her cheeks.

Goosebumps!
She should have kissed me back...!
She should have refused me!?

Just a silent smile and her whisper followed..."Give me something good to die for... To make it beautiful to live"!

And Mother Nature witnessed a beautiful amalgamation of two broken, thirsty souls...

Her body was carved like marble statues...smooth as silk...not a single flaw…
Eyes started speaking...

“I love you Amanda..! “

It was hard to differentiate between her divine anatomy and purity of dewdrops scattered on surface! Which one was more pure!
The winter fog had given way to summer heat and in a moment of bliss, I had found elixir! I just had an encounter with divine...

I was witnessing a grand scenario of her true self...a placid, calm lake giving way to fiery furnace...one was making me swim and the other was burning me...I Could never decipher which one I enjoyed more...

"I love you even more Amanda...!"

"Daniel, My soul is old but my body is new, you and I are forever eternal, all I have to do is find you. Can you find me as well?"
I needed not to answer...i trusted her to understand from my silence...there was no one else to be trusted...

I could feel her tears rolling out from those magical eyes! It was tears of ecstasy!

I don’t remember how long it lasted but when it did, I felt as if it has just started...

She murmured...What is essential is invisible to the eye...our love...we both are angels with only one wing and we can only fly by embracing each other..

"Daniel, I love you more than you do..."

"I wish..!I just wished...!"
I did not realize that I was falling in trap...a trap of emotions...which further leads to expectation..!
Right through my years, I was this guy with controlled measures...emotions make you more humane but then it also makes you vulnerable to failure..!
No wonder, I was living a beautiful dream...
But, now I had started feeling...emoting...expressing...day dreaming...wanting to have her company all day through...
Meet her...see her...feel her...touch her...smell her...and what not?!

But there was no escape route...!

==========================================================================

"O death, come away, come away!
And in sad world of mine, let me be laid..."

My mother was wailing...i passed through her room...and after years...i heard her voice...!

"Why are you alive?"...
Don’t you get tired of seeing me?
You are worst than our father...!"

She continued for almost an hour...i started feeling a surge of rushing blood in my veins...
I was used to her hateful stares...and it never affected me...
But today everything seemed changed..!

I was living an out of the world experince...my professional life is going good...I am rapidly climbing the hierarchical stairs...

I am in love...
Now everything needs to be perfect..!

I don’t have any idea, where those two melodious sounds of bang bang came from!

"Sound of bang bang...it was a real turn on for me..!"

I had no desire to kill my biological mother..!But I just did...with same precision...and single minded-ness!

But why did not she get tired of hating me!?

Why did not she notice, what you take doesn’t kills you
But she should have been careful about what she was giving!

Her hatred healed me for long..!..Thanks,mother!

I kept her head in my lap for hours...!
Outside, stars were falling like tears from the past!..But let’s keep singing...

"O death, come away, come away!
And in sad world of mine, let me be laid..."

Amen...

"I love you mother...."
Life remained unchanged...and love kept on increasing...to the extent of addiction...
But then, love is always an addiction...you can’t have enough of your beloved..!
Our mornings used to start by calling each other...our nights culminated by calling again...sweet nothings..teasing..understanding..sharing..caring...and finally falling asleep...

We had no choice...so, soon, I and Amanda were shifting together...the distance was getting unbearable...

In between, I committed my first mistake of not finishing a target along with his family...! I spared target's kid...

"Trap of emotions..."

Jigsaw Memoirs- 3

2007-12-29T02:45:00.001-08:00

My work demanded me to have a dual personality, keeping a facade of no-nonsense attitude! And I felt I was doing a good job.

I was good at academics but there was this other side of mine which relished dark world...dark imagination, dark fantasies, dark real simulation!

I guess, I drew my inspiration from a story where protagonist lives a normal life during day time and as soon as clock turned 12 at midnight, he started having
This werewolf characteristic! A dual personality of man and beast!

I feel, a man is incomplete without beasts. In an imaginary world, if all beasts are gone, man would be deprived of solidarity of spirit! We humans always tend
To follow whatever happens to beasts.
I was just aware of this fact and did not want to go against the cycle of nature.

I don’t have even remotest idea, how does it feel to have a happy childhood..!
Guys used to bully me in school. They always mistook my silence as arrogance and repulse. Slowly I learned to tackle them. I joined them and thus opened door to unexplored world...inside the door, there was blood, courage, mystique and a great feeling akin of being atop mountains of macabre!
====================================================================================

Amanda and I were playing the game...i knew, though reluctantly, that i had fallen for her!
I was not sure how to approach her! I could not take a "No" from her, though she would not have said so!
On one hand I was apprehensive about my true identity and on the other hand I wanted to unleash my dormant passion.
Whenever I looked at her, I felt like holding her and planting the most passionate kiss humankind had ever witnessed!
And her eyes?! Well, they tried to show nothing! Yes, they tried....

The difference between a man and woman's in matters of heart is, a man would confess as soon as he can whereas a woman would prolong it as long as possible!
Unfortunately, this time, both were on the same side!
Finally, one sunny evening, lady luck smiled! Our eyes met and a silent greeting nod followed!
Few more good mornings...then few more smiles...and then language of eyes started changing!

College cafeteria...”two espresso!”
“No, one black coffee please!”

While offering her chair, I felt a sharp intake of breath and I had never witnessed something that gorgeous!
It must be her breath...

Clinical psychology was my profession but to girls, this subject comes when they are in womb.
And every time, I felt I was being dissected! Harder than previous time...

Perhaps it's time for me to stop being a whisperer and start being a Screamer!
================================================================

My first role in a crime was of a mute witness!
I watched in silence as others performed the job.
Blood in my veins were speeding my fear to the throat...my heart was pounding and bells were beating....it was midnight!
And I could not sleep for many nights!

I realized I still have a conscience...which was laden with cruel and vague imprints of time...
But it’s better to be scarred than average! Your life starts finding purpose...one just needs to let loose of it...

Time had come to perform my first job under the supervision of my seniors...
Instructions were simple...

I was handed this metallic beauty! It was chilling cold and heavy. And all of a sudden I felt responsible, grown up and a Man.
No wonder, it was a heady feeling.

I went over to the parked car...
Knocked the door...
Inside, an ugly man and a not so ugly lady were making out.
I had to shoot that man.
Bang....bang...
It’s done? Yes...it’s Done.

Lady was shocked, blood all spilled over her scared face, fat neck and half opened blouse...
I remembered my mother! And two more shots!

A job, well done!

"I had arrived "!

It was a night to remember!
And the cub was basking in the glory!..I was youngest in the gang..!
That was the first night, I slept peacefully....
And it happened...our first touch..!
We held hands...under the pretext of shaking hands...none of us moved our eyes away and none of us wanted to blink first!
Finally, I did!
Slightly embarassed, slight blush and waves of excitement erupting inside!

We started having weird but fascinating conversations!

One evening after, an interesting conversation, clandestine touch, meeting of eyes and few more cosy feelings...we started waking towards her hostel...

"I like you...."! She paused...

I said abruptly,"isnt it something we both are aware of!?"

"I know! She exclaimed, her nose ring shining bright in fading light!
She tossed her hair, held my hand and what followed were few words which later on defined our relationship...

“I want to Thank you for being here with me now...
If ever, I run away from you.
I want you to follow me like hounds...
Please, don't take away anything,
Even your sadness, which you have never shared with me...
And all the days that we've lived so far have left some or the other marks on me, without me even realizing that...
There isn't even one memory I don't need..."

A soft, tender, warm kiss on forehead...and night was shining even more bright...

And the beast was waking up…..!

Jigsaw Memoirs- 2

2007-12-29T02:44:00.001-08:00

Once again I was trying to sleep and as always the goddess of sleep had decided to betray me! I could never guess, whether she did not want me to lose to
Nocturnal mistress or she just loved watching me staring at her in utter darkness...

Whatever little I could manage to sleep, I dreamt a lot...doesn't Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our
Lives, away from prying eyes and worldly discriminations?

Suddenly a harsh noise disrupted my thought pattern...it was a sound of broken glass...
For once, I did not want to move but then I did.

The old lady was sitting blank...I glanced at her once...and silently picked up the broken pieces of glass...

She started at me...a poisonous, humiliatin stare, it was...just the way it was yesterday and day before yesterday and don’t remember now, since when!...

Even in a world of make believe, there has to be rules and here rule was my familiarity.
I was always very familiar with that stare...that particular...ever so consistent stare gave me a comfort...i was scared of imagining any other stare in those
Cold, brutal pair of hollow eye sockets...and I am comfortable with those eyes for more than two decades...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Tring tring! Tring tring!
"Daniel"?
Yes...i replied...
"Another assignment is awaiting you!"...

I headed for my destination...closing the door behind..."
knocked the door.

A pretty lady with luscious long hair opened the door! There is something magical about long hair! Reminiscent of a web of dark clouds where you feel like
Drowning yourself and never to get up again...

I controlled my aesthetic emotions...and forced my way in...
A man in his mid-thirties and a 4-5 year old kid were dining together...the pretty lady seemed to be last cog in the complete family wheel.

What do you want? The person demanded!

"Your life"!!..I replied...

A faint line of glistening sweat started bustling on his forehead...

“You seemed to forget your deadline! I will count till five...i need the entire cash right in front of me!..”

"1......2......."

"I..... Cant... Ma..na..ge.."

3....4....5!

I smiled and said..."congratulations! You just wasted 5 seconds of your life! You fail! "

Who can pass judgement into foolish circle of war? I, all of a sudden, smiled to think that there is pride in bloodshed...

Three gun-shot!

It was all over...very swiftly...as always!

And a small family died happily ever after!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

By the way, old lady in question was, rather is, my mother...!
Since the time, I woke up to this world; I have always found her like this...

Few whispers say, I am an illegimate child!

Few other opine, old lady is an unwed mother...my father left her behind after conceiving me...

Few other knowledgeable persons claim, they had married, and after my birth, for some mysterious reasons, my mother poisoned him!..
(Poison must be very cheap compared to a human's life then...)

Few other more familiar and self-confessed intellectuals revealed I was adopted. But I came as a curse to this family and snatched my father's life and
Mother could never recover from that setback and lost her mental equilibrium...
Lastly, some dying whispers said, she had a very colourful youth. She is said to bless many thirsty souls, taking them under her ever flowing fountain of beauty
and amorosity!

Sometime one should just suck lies like sweet wine and some other time, I believed in, lies which were told to me...it helps in making the difference between truth and
Fiction going blurred...

I accepted all of the reasons and divine truth said above...Infact I might go on for long to justify one point and own another indefensible but then it is more
Honest to confess at once how little I am touched by the desire of accuracy...!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daniel and that’s me, was known as a hard-working, no-nonsense lecturer. I used to teach clinical psychology.
That was my day time profession...far more respected profession than my actual, dark, passionate deeds performed in the silence of nights!

and i loved being isolated and focussed on task at hand...whatever it was!

I was relatively young when I joined this and as youth has it; this girl Amanda caught my fancy!
A brat to the core, she was an arrogant and badly behaved woman! But then, well behaved women rarely make history!
Chiselled features...well proportionate body...dusky...and not without my weak spot, long hairs....! But in the hindsight, she was far from perfect but then there is no such thing As perfect...a thing like flawless beauty would be blank without any appeal and character. Its scars (internal or external) are what define it and what
Inspires emotion... and from that moment, it becomes art...

She was junior to me and I could feel some, about to be ignited. long lost passions! I tried being oblivious to it but my ever so suppressed emotions were
Getting better of me...

every time, My common sense told me to listen to my muse; and everytime,even more fiercely, my muse told me to disregard my common sense! I knew, love heals but
Then for me hatred healed better than love!
Struggle was going on…..

Jigsaw Memoirs- 1

2007-12-29T02:41:00.000-08:00

Having a house with a lakeside view is always a sight to cherish...it seemed like a virtual paradise amidst the crooning of colourful birds, sun settling its
Dust after its day long marathon...tranquillity of river making a splash in the untouched parts of my heart...
I
was taking a stroll nearby lake...creaking of fallen leaves was holding my nerves to ransom...whispering winds were gushing through my rough skin...

I loved toiling on my farm...nurturing the soil with my sweat...relishing the experience of my being and my solitude...and when I lie on the breast of mother
Earth, listening to its heartbeats, I felt like an artist lying on canvas to show people the truth...

I always had a thing for appearing calm, unruffled...but I just had a thing...inside, the four chambers were painted red blood coated with dark black emotions
Underneath...never realized, when blood and emotions got mixed up...whenever I smelled that brownish black soil which was known for its fertility and high
Yields, something inside just starts stirring up...rearing its head and innumerable neurons ache...

Sometimes truth is so horrible that it will haunt your dreams forever...

It pained and it pained until I heard that voice....

Father...
Father...where are you...its getting dark....wont you come back...?!
And all of a sudden I was at ease with myself...slowly gathering my composure back...back on the tired yet trusted feet’s...

Meryl!!! Where are you my love?
I am right behind you father...I could see her angelic face hugging my legs from behind...i took her in my arms and hugged my little joy...

That’s the joy of fatherhood...just one look at her face and everything gets buried...
She has oval face just like Amanda, her mother...her big eyes as deep as ocean...and a smile glancing through broken teeth...
Amanda was serving my favourite food...i loved watching her from the corners of my eyes...continuous dripping of warmth and affection...ever so graceful body
Language...sophistication is a virtue...with Amanda it was an unfailing regularity...

A woman cant be a good cook unless she prepares it with love...and whatever she cooked ,always bore a testimony of quality...i could never find a reason not
To find the food delicious...

I asked her, how was the day?
Quite perfect...she replied....
But the undertone gave me some other vibes...

Tell me, something bothering you sweetie?
No darling...not at all....smile still intact on her glossed lips....

There was something strange about my sensitivity! Quite weird...quite unreasonable but it had a bad habit of being right almost always...
I did not want to feel that she was not willing to tell me...lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off...guess, it was Amanda’s
Style of having fun...

I took her in my arms...planted a deep kiss...was losing myself to her long tresses and full lips...
And I stopped...I just stopped...

You know, every person possesses a tool which has many shades, types, and performance matrix but its core is called feelings...that tool is feeling...people try
Reading, analyzing, interpreting your tool using their own tool and finally finding a perfect tool and striking at the heart's G-spot...

I did not find her there. Her body just contained an animal lust rather than usual passion...she was a strong lady...kind of a bitch in the street but femme in
The sheets type...Amanda wondered...and shrugged...
And night passed silently...very silently...
Meryl had to have her dinner from my hand...and a song running in the background...a story...
And her father...making her sleep on my lap was my religion...and i always fulfilled that...

Father, dont you miss mom?
I miss her terribly honey...
Then why you don’t you call her back?

Pin-drop silence...

Father??

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Never has there been a time, when I thought myself beautiful. I saw only my flaws when I looked in a mirror, and saw only the problems to fix.
Only ruined flesh, and scars. I saw only the pain inside and not the smile on my lips. Broken promises...
A turbulent childhood and scars of yore...

Amanda promised to heal those scars...without me ever asking for that...
Until that night...

sometimes loving means letting him/her go...and some other times it just means holding on to the other person as hard as possible because if I dont,one blink
And they might disappear...in our's case i am still wondering who disappeared..!!!

I was back to my farm...lying down on the soil...feeling the dead body of my wife which was nourishing the corn on the tilled land and corn had just started
Growing...it’s a green burial and a sight to behold...

And I, all over again started feeling the rustic mix of red blood and black emotions...

When Harry Met Sally...

2007-12-29T02:33:00.001-08:00

One of the funniest things one can come across is attachment made in the realms of virtual world!
Counting tens of those stupid sagas of eternal bondage harry whimpered in disbelief!

How on earth people can like someone? Even moreso, falling in love sound so unrealistic! They haven’t seen the people, ven’t touched their object of affection and more importantly did not make love and still they claim to be in love??

“That what love is all about, his friend countered!

You just feel it, go through the motions and dream of being in never land with she by your side...there are many such examples where such virtual relationships concluded in a blissful future...”

Arrogant rascal that he was, he retorted, what crap?
“...for those few, I can show you millions of failed ones...

But no, you guys won’t understand as the fallacy of perpetual romance blinds your eyes...

You people won’t fancy your chances with gals in your vicinity...rather go for the worldwide self-defeating notion of finding romance in a maze of impossibility... “

Your call, folks! Don’t say later that I did not warn you...

Well, his friends were used to his ever so potent disgust and pity at so called link-ups....!
And he never budged up from his stance....

As luck would have it, that was until he met sally!

While googling for some notes because of his project work, he met this self proclaimed wild cat (her net ID) character named Sally!

The initial impression of sally to him was a cordial, sweet character who knew how to mind her business...

They were poles apart yet astonishingly similar in few regards...

She gladly exchanged her notes and he in a moment of unidentifiable humility added her in his friends list...

Just for the heck of thanking her...

Once in a while they used to get each other's forwarded mail...that was the only mode of communication...

One funny evening he got her forwarded mail for those "please help me, i am in dire need of B+ blood group" kind of attachment...
Typical of his “I think the best ” attitude, He hissed and mailed her,
“Do you really believe in such pleas?
You must be having better things to do....it’s so weird....”

Well, if you meant I am different, and if you also meant, weird is just another word for different then I'm differently weird and loving it to the hilt...

Ouch! The wild cat rubbed arrogant rascal in an apparently wrong way...

"Ok, let’s talk and discuss rather than passing silly mails which I totally unidentify with..."

Cool...give me your yahoo ID....

Thus began the sequence of unending chats....
Countless poisonous one liners...
Millions of egotistical statements...
And a mutual hatred whose basic fundamental was making other kiss the turf...

None compromised and no one ever thought of not talking again...

"Give me your number and let’s finish it"!

‘I can’t imagine myself tolerating you on phone....’

‘Show me your guts babe...’

‘Kiss my ass..!’

‘Give me a chance, honey...!’

‘You are crossing the limits...’
‘I never had any limits...’

Ok, let’s finish it.i.e.because; sally being the good girl must give a chance to a poor soul...

Ringing.......

"Hello!!!!

All the rage humming inside since long started vanishing as soon as he heard her voice....

‘yes darling!’

Gosh!

Sally...is this you?

‘Of course dodo....’

And the end all conversation took some unexpected turn...

Lunatic Fantasy- 5 (The End)

2007-12-29T02:22:00.001-08:00

"You know what's funny? The act of laughter; which is a sweet contraction of the muscles of the face, and a pleasant agitation of the vocal organs. It's not Beauty or in the jurisdiction of ourselves. Simply put, the essence of laughter is...Insanity".....

Words of wisdom by some anonymous insane!! Based on this revealation, i can be safely termed as insane because full throttle laughter was my hallmark which Got lost with the passage of time!

Coming out of prison, i was forced to venture into the last stage of one part of my life...people started viewing me with Suspicion and my own 'real world experience' in prison made me a victim of depression which was confirmed by my psychatrist! He also found some traces of abnormalcy in My behaviour.

Depression, my foot! What’s depression? Residing in heaven between two beasts that have run out of hell! Yeah, that’s depression!

Inside my ruined interior, lies my vague belief that would be changing many not so proportional equations.
I started waiting to be promoted to the next stage of my life..

at times,I stare outside my window and the sun creeps in silently, wondering if ever it will witness my naked soul!?
Perhaps no, it lost in the transition and so will I!

Just for few eternal moments, i intend to leave behind my traces through my writing and words...but...what to do with a fallen soul in the corners of my own unfairly glorified but utterly hollow existence...

Perhaps an echo of an angel who will never return!!

My double personality kept sticking out of the cage of my flat and friends said...you don’t bare your heart...you are not being you...you are always restrained...

It simply implied why dint I cry to the appeasement of their non-existent largesse...?
Why should one weep when you cry for no one?

Why should one weep when you live for no one!

One just lives for one's own fucking miniscule existence!

But I had some other plans. Taking to the grave whatever was in my heart..!

You still think, i have many things left unsaid in my heart!? This diary is the testimony of my nakedness!

Nothing is more expressive than shining nights but our face is composed of darkness wherein we try to fake its presence! Mirror yourself in the night, and one gets to view the dark face and even darker reality...

I was accused of pulling people towards me and making them dependent, finally to turn them away...

Was I wrong?

Why should others just be a part of good side of my persona? Aren’t they supposed to absorb my negativity as well?

No, they won’t...because their life is full of misery and misery has a habit of loving company but to their dismay company does not reciprocate!
I was hailed because apparently I showed the breaking of dawn and yet I left them in dark to grapple with last few pieces of demons! They didn’t love it and I was not loved for it either...

Diary, have you ever witnessed mourning of birds? When one of them dies, they keep flying over the cliff, in search of flower fields...they just go on without ever staying to cry over a gone one...
when they fly,they are hovering around air,clouds,stormy sky! Can they afford to leave those exciting and challenging parts of their journey and instead, mull over where they buried their loved one!

Am I comparing humans with birds?

They did not send me to exile for nothing! Perhaps I am looking for something which doesn’t exist...just like notion of me embracing the dark...walking in the light and hoping twilight to find my way in this life...

I am dreaming with my eyes closed...Aah...

Life and living seems so easy with closed eyes... it also helps me in running away because the truth of loneliness is hard to resist...and I can safely disappear...!
Why I am alone despite knowing no one is there to help me?
Precisely because of that....
if ever you make my gravestone, give it a weathered look...allow few flowers to grow across it...make a stone structure of lips and put it on the top of gravestone so that when I close my eyes, i can feel that I am planting kiss on the lips which I have missed...

I will also request stars to continue hanging from sky with the help of those little strings...but never ever ask me where the strings are attached to.....!!!

Else, i might get angry, things might go out of hand because I would not know the answer...

I will need just one companion; solitude! I beg you...don’t take it away...I can’t stay away from it...

I am being eclipsed on the brighter side of the moon...never to be seen again to ordinary mortals...

Dried up passion for life and living like a drop of unseen tears in desert...

I was just an experiment of this world without any name.....nope!

I was named lunatic...menace for society...anti-social because I tried to fulfil the virtue of a human. A strong human...

Loved because I was needed...
hated because I did not cry...
forgotten because I was detached from world in general...!
And praised because I knew humans are prone to being subservient...

Yes, I was just an experiment of this world....an experiment which did not fetch any results....

Lunatic Fantasy-4

2007-12-29T02:21:00.001-08:00

For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done
What I've done.......

That how a popular song reads like! I ve heard that it’s against a man's ego to cry. Even I feel so. Even bigger issue is a man's failing to acknowledge his mistakes! So lest you get puzzled in non-existent intricacies, let me forgive myself for what I have done though I am not sure what exactly I have done except good things!!

It’s raining heavily since I have come here. Rain god always follows me as if he is overwhelmed with my presence on the earth. It is said that the rain will Wash away all your pain but for me it’s just a reminder of the past...

Life is complicated and girls are cruel yet I fell in love with a mesmerising body for the nth time (for the sake of change this time it was mutual!), .but my existing passion termed it infidelity. She wanted to hold me forever. I felt suffocated.i backed up my ability of loving many gals at the same time and quite passionately. They never believed so because our civilization says polygamy is equal to infidelity and you must be loyal to one. But thinking of it, when I can be loyal to many, shouldn’t I go for that? Listen to the wolf inside of you and it howls in a self-interpreted language.

"You are nuts"! The oft-repeated accusation hurled at me!
I m not a closed Book. I am wide open. I am just in a language one never understands.
With all my rights, I reject your reality and substitute my own!

True to my experimental nature, often while making love, i preferred being a female and let my partner turn into male with complete command.
Treat me like a slave!
Torcher me!
Make me travel the vicissitudes of pain!
I liked to see those red spots on my body and her bosom. It used to give me the kick which no other drugs could ever provide me.

Recently a female was admitted in the asylum. Barely in her twenties, she stripped once in the gallery and was laughing like only insane can laugh..
i thought she was meditating and interacting with god through her laughters.i instantly fell for her once I saw her in her birth suit.
Do you think I am lusty am not because only through physical contact one can touch, see and feel the soul of other person.because, once you touch the body, you can actually experience the rhythm of her skin, the beats of her desire and movements of her delicate persona.

By the way, during all this mental and emotional turbulence, my first girlfriend was murdered, killed by her existing flame.i managed to see her beautiful body
Turned into an embodiment of ugliness because of autopsy. Nevertheless it was still worth desiring for. While mentioning her body, i wonder how god would have delved deep into his/her imagination while carving female anatomy. He must have practiced hard like a blacksmith who keeps hammering hard on a hot metal until he transforms it into his desired shape.i also think that female's sexual orientation is more intense, afterall eve ate apple first.

Coming to her death, probably her obsession for sex and drugs led her to her eventual fate.i was summoned for interrogation because of my previous relationship with her. What was supposed to be a normal interrogation turned into few days of remand! Police said I was high on grass and they found my appearance suspicious was beaten to hemmorage, offered to sexually starved inmates who had me for dinner, breakfast and lunch.
I managed to survive, because in my past life I was immortal and this life was giving me same signal. Bleeding profusely I kept on requesting lord to forgive them...but I realized Sweet words
Spoken through jail cell bars hold little charm.

I had revenge on my mind but then Revenge is for those who do not have the patience for karma.but,Patience Is also death In Silence.i don’t know what I finally believed in!!
Why I had to go through this ordeal?
I accept, everyone has evil in them...mine's just a little more apparent than others.but was that the only reason?
This incident left an undiluted impact on me!
Afterwards, happiness just remained a word to me and Heartless and Nobodies became my friends!
Life just turned into a metaphor and usually its life that scares me to death.
Things were unfolding fast and my prison stay was just a mere glimpse of interesting times ahead...

Some anonymous shithead said, “I am a man that follows a path despite my eyes that tell me that I don't know myself...that I am actually a path without destination..."!!!
Was I slowly beginning to see my reflection in that abstract reality..?!