Comedian Justin McClure

Whistling is creepy! ughh

2010-03-02T13:28:00.000-08:00

Whistling is creepy. Stop it, just cut it out. If you whistle a lot you have dead bodies at home. I don't give a crap that you can spit and blow wind- not impressed. A baby can spit and blow wind out of BOTH holes, they don't do it for entertainment. Whistling is just spitting and blowing at the same time, so what? Who cares? Stop it. And most whistlers spit more than they whistle, gross, stop spitting on me. Are you a sprinkler of crappy saliva? I don't need that. Some whistlers are extra loud. Is that a fire alarm or some douche whistling 'Baa, Baa, Black Sheep' down the hallway? Next time I'm sending you a bill for my hearing infection. Pay it.

Whistling is creepy. You go around whistling 'Mary Had a Little Lamb' or some other crappy song (it's always some old nursery rhyme crap) then you have dead body parts of young boys and girls under your guest bed. I don't care what kind of lamb Mary had, stop whistling the song, and second of all the lamb would probably bitch slap you because it doesn't want to hear that song. What kind of lamb did Mary have? A very pissed off one. It was happy, just frolicking around the meadows happy, probably eating some grass or just staring in the sky like some dumbass, but it was happy. Happy until you started whistling a song about Mary. It doesn't care about Mary, just give it some grass to eat, but stop whistling!! Mary could be James, Sandra, or Muhammad, the lamb doesn't care, and most importantly don't raise one lamb. Mary had a little lamb, well that's the problem...the lamb has nobody to play with, it can only listen to your crappy whistling. If the lamb had another lamb to play with it could be like "Hey let's go jump that broken wall or something cause this shepherd is whistling this crappy song about Mary and it's pissing me off", but no, Mary was too selfish to get another lamb, so now the lamb has to listen to some crappy whistling all day while worried if it's going to get shaved for a new coat or killed. Whistling should be a crime. I'm pissed.

You know what's MUCH BETTER than whistling...MUSIC! We got it today. It's not 1906 where you have to invent entertainment, we got all kinds of music to listen to, and we don't need some freak whistling 'La Cucaracha' when you could be playing music we all enjoy. Whistling is selfish.

Let's work hard to BAN WHISTLING IN PUBLIC! Yes! No more whistling. Just like cigarettes are banned in most restaurants and even in some public places, whistling SHOULD ALSO be banned. Why? Cause it's horrible. I would rather have some trucker from Kansas City blow his cigarette coffee breathe in my face than hear a whistler. 2nd hand whistling is far more deleterious to our health than 2nd hand smoke. No more whistling in public. I want this on the next Gallup poll for election, I want a section for banning whistling.

You know who whistles a lot? Serial killers and pedophiles. They just walk around whistling in parks looking for kids. I'm serious. Watch your kids, protect your family from whistlers!

Whistling is just beat boxing for creepy people. Truth.

(Some might say I'm just jealous cause I can't whistle. You have a point. )

COWBOYS - THE ORIGINAL TWITTERS (I hate small talk)

2009-12-31T14:56:00.000-08:00

Nothing annoys me more than small talk. It (small talk) has actually given me panic attacks. One time after a show this guy kept rambling garrulously about crap that needed no reciprocation. After about 2 minutes of his inane ramblings I actually said "Can you please stop talking to me? I'm going over there, you are giving me a panic attack." Then I walked over to recover from this mouth sprinkler of ennui. I always try to be nice to people, but damn have some eye contact and listen once in a while.

Why does all small talk have to be about the weather or traffic? Why bring that crap up. "You see the traffic, man thats crazy right" Yeah asshole, I was just in it, thanks for bringing it back up. Instead of the weather and traffic, why can't small talk be about stabbing someone? Thats more interesting. Two strangers get into a cab.."Good day for a stabbing eh?"

Cowboys didn't small talk - the original TWITTERS

You never saw a cowboy wasting someone's time. A cowboy would get on a horse and ride 400 miles to say "Your daddy's dead" and then turn around and ride off. How'd he die? Don't worry about it, don't ask questions, he's got an gunfight at 0600am - leave him alone. Cowboys didn't ramble on about crap, they got to the point...everything summed up in 140 characters - they were the original twitters. I wish we could go back to these days. I would have been a kick ass cowboy.

HOW TO COMBAT SMALL TALK

Ok listen, people are gonna ramble, you can't stop old man Rusty's diarrhea mouth at your church bbq, it's inevitable. What you can do is master the art of saying things back to them while thinking of things that are actually relevant in your own life. When people small talk me, I tend to get anxious, but now I use 5 maxims/sayings that get me through the conversation in peace - you can do it too. So when people are rambling like a drunk auctioneer spewing out useless consonants and vowels, just use any of these maxims in any particular order: 'what can ya do', 'it is what it is', 'interesting!', 'thats what I'm talk'n bout!', and 'unbelievable'. Next time you are on the phone with grandpa and he wants to tell you about how he spent all Saturday drinking beer in his hammock listening truckers on his CB radio, just blurt out any of the aforementioned sayings and he'll keep on rambling like you are actually listening, but you aren't, toss the phone to your friend for 5 minutes and then have them blurt out the next saying (but make sure you don't use 2 in a row, mix it up, play around with the cadence and practical insertion).

'What can ya do'

This is a good one. 'What can ya do'? Keep rambling on grandpa cause I'm thinking about that trust fund you are leaving me and not about this boring story of your first telegraph.

'It is what it is'

I would like to think 'it is what it is' is basically saying shut up...I get it, we are done with this conversation, but the people you are talking to are too busy thinking of their own banal thoughts to actually recognize what you are saying, so just blurt it out when there is a silence in any boring conversation.

'Interesting!'

This one is easy to use, probably the most common. Trust me you don't think what the person is saying IS interesting, but say it with commitment and intensity. Once in a while rub your chin with your fingers like you are actually thinking about what they are saying, and then say 'interesting' in a serious tone or with conviction, this gives the impression you are engaged in their conversation...play around with it, it should keep 'em rambling for hours.

'That's what I'm talk'n bout!'

When people say 'thats what I"m talk'n bout!', trust me, they were not talking about what they said they were talking about, so thats why it's a perfect epigram to just blurt out when there is a silence in any boring conversation. This 'that's what I'm talk'n about' will inspire your grandma to wanna continue talking about her diabetes and dream of having green hair on The Price is Right.

'Unbelievable'

Ok, 'unbelievable' just like 'interesting', is simple and good to use in short conversations. 'I went to the store today', just say 'unbelievable' and keep on trucking. The only thing really unbelievable about saying this is the fact the person you are talking to can't believe you aren't even listening...but use it, once again play around with it to see where it works best for you.

Point of View

If there is nothing to say why not just be quiet? People are scared of their own thoughts, are self-absorbed, or often afraid of what might happen if they just experience what is actually happening around them. Wanna evolve? Listen to the person in front of you. You know the ending of every story you are telling, how is that interesting to you? You know the outcome. I've only become an interesting person (if I am that), because I've tried to show a genuine interest in others. On my own I am not interesting to me....

Stop pretending your world is spinning, the glaze in your stare, has no one been listening? He told you that we'll all be angels someday, but you were too busy checking your phone.

SIGN SHAKERS ARE HUMAN POP-UPS

2009-12-15T16:28:00.000-08:00

Sign-shaking is an art form. Really? Michelangelo, Da Vinci, Mozart, and now the guy shaking a sign for Jiffy Lube is an artist? Sure, that's art. Why not just get a guy with Parkinson's out there to shake a sign? Save money on training at least.

What is the marketing strategy for having an angry gorilla sell your product? Why is he angry? Why can't he at least be affable, approachable? Am I supposed to swing in off a vine like Tarzan and buy something...I don't get it.

What is the job interview like to get the sign-shaking job? I mean, do you have to prove shaking skills during the interview? Can you twirl, drop it, during the first week or should you build to that? You can't go crazy, it's an 'art form', so I assume you can't jump right into twirling and dropping it on a manhole the first day...you see son, you have to build to that. Rome wasn't built in a day, and a sign-shaker can't do a double axle cartwheel handstand twirl on the first day either. Give it a 3 month trial period, but at first just shake - we'll tell you when to twirl.

Sign-shakers are just annoying human pop-ups. We have pop-ups on the internet selling us crap, now we have pop-ups on the side of the road: big angry gorilla trying to sell me a used car, guy on a unicycle trying to sell a mattress, some 43 year old dude listening to Billy Ocean shaking a sign trying to sell me a timeshare, some guy trying to enlarge my penis...just a black guy on the side of the road going "What's up...wanna get a bigger penis?" No, I'll pass. I just need to go to the store.

I recently saw a sign-shaker working his ass off, just spinning and twirling, dude was sweating...earning that $8.75 an hour. Behind him there was a homeless guy....like a backup dancer to the sign shaker. I'm sure the homeless guy, who was previously sucking on his foot, was making more money per hour begging for money than the guy twirling and shaking. Pathetic.

If your job can be replaced by a telephone pole and a fan, well, your job is not that valuable. I could get a fan to blow a sign on a telephone pole and do the same thing a sign-shaker is doing minus all the annoying break dancing.

Sign Shakers are POP-UPS, use your car as SPAM GUARD!

'PER CAPITA' YOU ARE ANNOYING

2009-11-27T22:49:00.000-08:00

There is a sense of loyalty towards smaller towns. With this comes exaggerations and embellishments of local folklore and facts that make the town look more attractive to other people, but really....it's just people making stuff up to solidify their own patriotism.

For example...the phrase 'per capita'. Everywhere I go, mid-west to the south to north-west, everyone likes to boast about how they have more 'things' per capita than any other place. Really? Where are the facts on this? Who's doing the counting? Is this the same guy that says swans mate for life? (when swans all look the same anyhow. Is there one guy following around every swan to make sure that swan only has sex with one swan? How do we KNOW they mate for life?)

'We got more bars per capita than any other city man! Hell yah!' I've heard this in many small towns across America.

You don't have more bars per capita than any other place, you just wanted to make a stupid statement so the people you are talking to think your town is more interesting. But why is it always 'we got more bars per capita'.
When did bars/drinking become the institution that validates a town? I've never seen that listed in the Chamber of Commerce or at the Visitor Center: "Pocatello, Idaho....we got more bars per capita than any other crappy town."

You would never hear this in another country, only America. Wouldn't hear this in Nigeria? No. More like..."Here in Nigeria we have more malaria per capita than any other country. It's a great country. We swat flies out of our face all day, but per capita we got more malaria than Indonesia."

It's always bars, cause people love to brag about how much they can drink, but why not 'clowns per capita' or 'three legged dogs per capita'?
"We have more midgets per capita than any other town. How many? Well we don't know, they get away when we try to count them...but we got a lot of 'em"
YOUR TOWN does not have more bars per capita than any other town, it has a normal amount...just like every other crappy town - stop saying this. Per capita we need more people who think for themselves.

SOLUTION FOR EARTHQUAKES

2009-08-15T19:22:00.000-07:00

Everyone in California is freaked about earthquakes - "The big one is coming!" Relax OK. Seriously. A midget has a better chance beating Yao Ming at tether-ball than we do at experiencing mother Earth's biggest exhibit of Parkinson's. Go to work. Go to school. Stop being a moron.

However, since I'm a genius and concerned for the conscious of this country I've come up with a bona fide solution to eradicate west coast earthquakes: fill up the San Andreas fault like a dumpster and that will leave NO ROOM for the plates to shift (how earthquakes are created). The shifting of the earth's plates (latitude/longitude) causes an earthquake, and the fault is the gap between the plates (you are welcome for the lesson by the way). Pollution creates smog, the smog combines with our clouds and comes back to earth in the form of precipitation/rain, then it runs into our rivers, streams, oceans, etc. Finally it runs into a fault...the San Andreas Fault!
If we fill up the fault...like a dumpster, with all kinds of rubbish, then the plates cannot shift and consequently no more earthquakes! I've created a one week program, like a workout regimen, that if taken seriously we can all fill up the fault and rid ourselves from the panic of future earthquakes. Everyone needs to participate.

OK, start the program on a Monday. Studies show that if you start something on a Monday you might stick with it. Ever tried to start a diet on Wednesday? You are eating cake by Friday.

JUSTIN McCLURE'S ONE WEEK PROGRAM TO STOP FUTURE EARTHQUAKES:

*Monday*

Sell your car and buy an 18 wheeler big rig, then take your kids to school and soccer practice. This exhaust from the big rig will get in the atmosphere which is what we want. Someone's parent might say "hey! why are you driving your kids around in an 18 wheeler?!" You say "Listen bitch, I'm doing my part to prevent earthquakes!" You didn't care for her anyhow, her kids are ugly.
Don't worry what others think, you got over peer pressure in the 10th grade, that's why you didn't win Student Council Secretary that year, but you learned your lesson. Focus on the campaign. You can't let peer pressure get to you, even if you aren't talented.

*Tuesday*

When you go to the grocery store and they say 'Paper or Plastic?', you say 'Asbestos'. Get it? You are doing your part. Get some asbestos into the atmosphere, let's get it going haus.

*Wednesday*

Hump day, no not the hump on your girlfriends back, that's scoliosis, we are talking about the middle of the week...hump day, focus; need to go big here: buy a chemical plant. Any chemical plant will do. We need to get chemicals into the ozone and atmosphere. If you can't afford a chemical plant, start a meth lab. If you can't afford a meth lab, look into Capitol One financing, they have really good deals these days. Zero % interest the first year, thats a great deal in this market, it's going to enable you to focus on profit and build a core management team; not having to pay off the principal is huge in the first year. Don't go with Discover, they have hidden charges all over the place..check the fine print, plus Discover charges for online banking, you don't need that, it's free with Capitol One. Let's make good decisions here.

*Thursday*

Burn tires, all day long. Get your fellas to come over, put on some jerseys, pretend it's a sporting event- it's going to be sweet. Michelin, Goodyear are good tires to burn, but I recommend Firestone. Firestone makes a very durable tire which creates a nice creamy smoke which will create more consistent smog. Also, bring some marshmellows to roast while you are burning tires...you'll need the extra energy. Burning tires is a tough workout; the marshmellows will help replace some of the energy you burn. You'll need it, cause Friday is a big day.

*Friday*

Replace all the water in your pipes with oil. Let's get some oil into the waters. If you don't know how to do this, watch Tim Allen's Home Improvement, 3rd season, episode 4 I believe..he gives a good example. Start flushing oil down your toilet and drains, this will pollute our waters which is what we need to be doing. Keep oil in your car also, because if you drive by a natural water source, just dump the oil in directly. This cuts out the middle man...2 birds.

*Saturday*

Launch all hippies into the fault from a catapult. Let's get them all in the desert, good place for a giant catapult. This might be tricky, but we can do it. What we can do to get them in the desert is say there is a Phish revival concert and if they (the hippies) get to the concert on time then they get a free velcro Grateful Dead poster, or maybe a hackysack- they will come, trust me they have nothing else to do except smell like a bear farting piss on local park benches.

Once the hippies get to the disclosed location, we get them to stand in one place. They are waiting for the concert and unaware they are standing on a boobie trap, which is grass and leaves on top of a catapult. Next, we release the catapult and launch the hippies directly into the fault. They won't mind the launch because they love to 'get high' anyhow, so they will be confused...dumbasses. One by one they are launched into the Fault like a human tetris game. They fill up the fault and BAM...NO MORE EARTHQUAKES cause we've filled up the fault and the plates cannot shift - PROBLEM SOLVED AMERICA!

*Sunday*

Lord's day, take it off. You've deserved it. Jesus would be proud...but he's busy sending all those hippies to hell.

You've done your part to prevent all future earthquakes...and we have no more hippies.

GET OUT OF THE BABY'S FACE

2009-06-06T17:39:00.001-07:00

The other day I was at the supermarket and witnessed some knobby kneed fat faced mother talking to her baby one centimeter from the baby's face. "Who's the little baby?" The baby can't talk bitch, get out of it's face. Why do adults do this? Why do we find it necessary to be IN the baby's face when we talk to it? The baby isn't happy about this encounter. You think the baby is thrilled about your nasty coffee breath in it's face? There is a reason babies cry...it's your halitosis. Find some mouthwash.
The baby CAN hear us from normal talking distance, after all they have impeccable hearing and visions...for they are babies. Talk to a baby normally, get out of it's face.

I hope this baby bites her nose off.

THIS is the reason babies cry. Get out of his face.

Babies can hear us from normal distances, we don't need to "goo goo ga ga" right in it's face. Would we talk to our friends this way? Would you have a conversation with your best friend one centimeter from his/her face?
"Hey, just wondering...wanna go to the store later? I know I'm one centimeter from your face, but was hoping this would let you know I'm very serious about going to the store...I'm very serious about going. Pick you up around 7:30 or 7:45?"
Ever seen 2 adults talk this way? That's what I thought.

"HOT DOGS IS MY LIFE, MAN!"

2009-05-31T13:24:00.000-07:00

I had the pleasure of going to a southern drive-in theater in Alabama. I think a drive-in theater in the south shouldn’t be called a theater, but more of a ‘situation’, cause you aren’t sure what you are going to see. I met a kid named Freebird with a mullet who brought a bee-bee gun to shoot at chickens cluk buh-cawking in southern accents - some chickens are talented.

First off I found out that EVERYTHING comes with chili-cheese: hot dogs, hamburgers, bbq, and probably even meth. I can see some lonely Alabama drug dealer going “Meth and chili cheese...$20!”. Given the recession that’s probably a good deal.
I ordered a hot dog and BBQ sandwich. If you don’t order BBQ in the south you are probably a terrorist. If you don’t like BBQ and sweet tea, well God help your soul, you are the anti-Christ.

The nice frumpy gal who ran the concession stand was bigger than a pregnant planet, a planet pregnant with another planet, which is fine, because if I’m going to take food advice from someone I want it to be someone who looks like they know the best buffet line in town. I’m just saying this future truck driver probably knows what she’s talking about when it comes to food and cholesterol.

Also the official drink of rednecks is definitely Mountain Dew. These deodorant deprived bi-peds drink this beverage like it’s the blood of Dale Earnhart, Sr on tap. I think I saw a 17 year old mom breast feeding some hair-lipped baby with Mountain Dew from one titty and Mello-Yello the other titty. Kid wasn’t tapping out with his baby hands, he was smiling, so I’m sure he was enjoying the delicious titty juice, either that or just dreaming of the first day of deer season.
All the food wasn’t even $10. I guess chili-cheese is inexpensive to make.

These were the concession dining options
I meet a kid named Tacoma…like Toyota Tacoma. This has to be a great moment in redneck history- naming your kids after vehicles you WISH you owned. . "Tacoma?! Where's your brother Ford F150? Go get 'em, and tell Dodge Ram it's time for supper! Ya'll come in here and grub now!"
After watching Tacoma pick his nose and stare at his boogers with the confusion of wondering to eat them or wipe them on the mullet of the 5 year old eating tree bark by the teeter totter. Such a conundrum to solve, I left him to resolve on his own while I embarked on meeting more outback intellects.

Next I meet a delight named Austin- a 7 year old that will be 8. He was very clear on letting me know he will be 8. I told him I think that’s how it works. I don’t think you can skip ages. If you are 7, yep you are looking 8 dead ahead...you aren't going to be 12 next year. He also tells me the way to make an 8 is draw a circle and then a circle either below that circle or above the other circle. Clever. All these years I've been making 8's with squares, so I appreciated the lesson.

Austin was huge: 135 pounds! He looked like the Epcot center with a shirt on. He could easily play front line for any NFL football team.

He was fun to talk to. I asked him his name. “My name is Austin James Mots”. Well ok, I didn’t ask for the full name, but thanks. Rednecks love to give you all three names.

I asked Austin what he had to eat and he said “hot dog”. I said what did you eat earlier today, and he said “hot dog with bologne sandwich”. I asked what is your favorite food and he said “hot dog”. I’m seeing a pattern develop here. I’m sure if he were on death row, which might happen, his last meal would be hot dog washed down with some beanie weenies. Sensing the future of this conversation, I’m locked in, I asked him what he liked so much about hot dogs, and he said “Man it’s just the flavor I tell ya. You get a good hot dog, I’m talking about a nice one like over‘er at the flea market, and man you just can’t beat it. Hot dogs is my life, man. I love ‘um.” I know what isn’t his life….green beans and brown rice. His stomach is not a safe place for broccoli or fruit.

Yes he said, “Hot dogs is my life”, and then he took a big swig of Mountain Dew. It was like a prophetic moment of clarity much like when the Buddhist looks out at a sunset drinking tea indigenous of his land and offers future wisdom for the ages. Austin told me his life was hot dogs, looked out at a kid playing in a mud puddle and shared the same Zen moment as the Buddhist.

Finally it got dark, a few redneck fireworks went off, and then the movie started, however I had already seen enough show to not concentrate on the actual movie. I will point out that after the movie Tacoma couldn’t find his mom. He was crying to me saying he couldn’t find his momma. I took his little arm which was muddy from looking for 'craw-daddies' and walked him around trying to find her. I waddled him around for 15 minutes trying to find her when finally it dawned on me…of course she’s at the concession stand! Sure enough we get there and found her shoving her face with French fries and about to dig into a giant pretzel doused in, you guessed it, chili-cheese.

(A few minutes later I saw Tacoma’s family drive off in a Dodge Omni. You gotta dream big I guess.)

HOW TO FIX THE ECONOMY

2009-01-03T17:07:00.000-08:00

Everyone is worried about the economy. I have the solution: DIVORCE. That's right, divorce is the panacea to fix our economy. You may not understand this aphorism so let me explain...

If you get divorced, think about it, now EACH partner has to start a NEW life which means buying new things, dating new people, and essentially putting money into the economy! Whatever she keeps you have to replace, which means you have to buy, and if EVERYONE gets divorced then our market is going to engender a superfluous turn towards rebuilding.

Now is the perfect time for everyone to get divorced - let's fix this economy dammit. Barack Obama is our new president, everyone is excited, his campaign runs on CHANGE so he needs to CHANGE his marital status. Thats the change we are talking about, it's gotta come from the top. If his marital status changes from 'MARRIED' to 'JOCKING THEM HO'S' then I am quite he's going to ask Condoleeza Rice out on a date...probably go to Red Lobster or something, but hey you can't knock them cheesey biscuits so I don't blame him. We need to encourage Barak to get divorced so we can begin to rebuild our economy. People it is time for change.

If you have a wife or a husband, divorce that fool now, stop being selfish and think about our country! Where is your patriotism? Seriously. When someone asks you why you got divorced, look them in the eye and say 'Cause I'm proud to be an American dammit' and then you walk away to the pawn shop to get rid of your wedding ring.

WYOMING...??

2008-12-26T10:40:00.000-08:00

Is Wyoming even a state? Seriously I want to know. I don't think it's one of the 50 - I really want to find out. I don't know anyone from Wyoming, never met anyone from Wyoming.

I think Wyoming should be renamed 'Eastern Idaho', and since nobody lives there we can make it like America's dumpster and put stuff there we don't need/want like Soloflex machines (who needs 'em), hippies (time to go smelly), waterbeds (unless you are a pedophile then keep yours), and any year of the Dodge Omni (probably the crappiest car ever. Would rather drive a Festiva

CATHARSIS

2008-12-23T16:11:00.000-08:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately... a lot. Thinking in regards to how serious I'm taking my contribution to the planet, to myself and to the people around me. I feel very viscerally that I need to engender some serious disciplinary changes in my life to create the pallet of body I feel is necessary (for me) to deserve the success I want. I very much feel the energy you give the universe comes back to you, and part of this is taking care of your body, making good decisions in relationships, and genuinely being selfless, giving, and beneficent to others.

From my study of life, the people I admire who are successful are also nice people, good people, and seem to deserve the success they've been rewarded with. How would this be any different from me? I don't feel it would. I don't think I'm a bad person, NOT AT ALL, as I genuinely try to be nice to everyone, to see someone's truth, and to live through a policy of love instead of fear (A Course in Miracles), but I need to vehemently step it up. I've just always been impressed when people initiate strong discipline in their life as it's VERY easy to live carelessly and vacuously, but it's not easy to live a life of discipline towards the ethos you've created for yourself.

One thing I will be doing is blogging almost everyday, so please give me feedback and comments if you have any. By blogging everyday I can release my honest thoughts, some funny and risible, other serious and surreal...but for the most part I'm a serious and quiet person.

I will blog every day for the next several days on some of the changes I am trying to make in my life. These changes are really eating at me so I feel it's necessary to put them into action, to adhere to the standards and principles they represent to me, so that when things come my way I know I've deserved the auspicious outcome due to the discipline and energy I've chosen to give to the universe and those around me.

NOT EVEN A SCINTILLA OF THE SAUCE

2008-07-12T18:29:00.000-07:00

Recently I was reflecting on the time of my life when I got divorced (I got married very young) and how I dealt with this kind of change in my life: I drank and partied hard. As a result I got 3 DUIs in about 6 months....yes, thats right: 1, 2, 3, DUIs. BAM! I've always had a very intense and manic personality (bordering on lunacy at times), so this doesn't surprise most people who witness my capricious personality.

Anyhow, for quite a while I was zero-tolerant, which means I couldn't have even a modicum of alcohol in my system while driving. Thats tough because everything has alcohol in it today: chewing gum, mouthwash, even vodka. They are putting it in everything.

The thing I reflect on is how embarrassing it would be to go to prison if I got a 4th DUI for having barely any alcohol in my system. I've been to jail several times and it's all about your rep there - punks get messed with. I would certainly be someone's bitch if I went to jail on a 4th DUI for swigging around some Scope mouthwash right before I got into my car - that is not a intimidating story.

I could see something like that happening though. I go to prison, everyone is checking out the 'new guy' and wondering what his story is. People start talking to me and I learn they are in there for armed robbery, assault, murder, etc, and I'm wondering if they know why I'm in there.

That would be embarrassing to meet me cell mate that way. I go into my cell, meet my new best friend and he's like 'wha'chu in here for man?'.
I tell him I'm in there for a DUI and I can see him saying something like 'badass man...was it like some high speed chase or some shit? Ya try to out run the cops cause you was drunk as shit on some bad ass liquor? Fuck those cops anyhow. I love getting drunk and driving. What were you doing that got you so fucked up....vodka, beer, shots...?'

I'm too stupid to lie so I would probably be like 'ummmm Dentyne Ice bro. Cinnamon flavored. Yeah it was crazy. I should have stopped at 2 pieces, but it was Friday night and I was feeling it so I went crazy and ate the entire pack. It was nuts, plus I was on an empty stomach. I got pulled over and blew a .00000001, got arrested for DUI, and thats how I got in here.'
I think a gay guy throwing rocks at a grizzly bear is more intimidating of a story.

With a look of bemusement and excitement on his face I can picture my asshole squeezing together tighter than a starved anaconda wrapped around the dinner of a stray house cat. I can see my new 'partner' envisioning pounding me over our luxury metal American Standard toilet or mixing it up and having me go down on him after chow hall or a jailhouse burrito. I can almost hear him lick his lips as we speak of this.

The thought of such an event scares the crap out of me and thats why I will never drink and drive again!

5. insatiable in solvent disguise

2008-03-03T23:04:00.000-08:00

I guess a comedian can never truly be happy – it’s always ephemeral it seems. Such a unique job we have: we get hired and fired in the same week. We are hired to do a job on Thursday but on Sunday night we get our check and have to find work for the next week. Sometimes we get really excited to work with someone we’ve looked up to, but by the end of the week that initial ebullience has vanished like a whisper in the wind.

I’m just a bit concerned, just not sure what is next. Anyone who knows me well (which I know is very few) knows that I’m an overly serious person about my career, about everything, and I’ll do anything to get what I want….it’s called drive, ya know. As previous mention, I’ve had a lot of exciting things happen in the past few months: worked with guys like Dana Carvey, Robin Williams, performed overseas for the troops, was a featured mySpace comedian, have been getting occasional standing ovations when I seem to make a true connection with an audience. All that has been fun, just not sure what’s next. Nothing is next, it’s all the same: book a gig, travel, perform, hang out, and remain anonymous. Can you see how the ennui can set in with a person who thrives on capricious conditions?

I think a comedian needs a certain required perspicacity into the life around him, sometimes his intuition is rather noetic, but overall he’s more alert and aware than most people (well good comedians are). I guess my point is that I’m a bit sad, lonely on the road cause I’m overly concerned on where I am (in my career), and I wonder how long all this is going to happen before I can be comfortable (but then again what decides comfort).
I don’t have any ‘deals’, I haven’t landed any auditions that are going to change my life, and for the most part I get all my own bookings. I just wish I knew I would be taken care of. There truly is no security in comedy until you are really famous, it’s not a solvent occupation at all and you have to be a bit nuts to stick through all the years of humility and not getting paid while honing and crafting your act.

I think I’m saying this because I’m finally really happy with my act (and I’ve worked really hard to say that). When I say I'm happy, let me elucidate by saying there are MANY things I'm working on, for if I was as funny as I wanted to be then I would quit, but I am happy with how comfortable I am with being me, and it shows through my confidence and choice of material which is ultimately my voice of reason as I see it.

For the past 6 months or so I have consistently killed on every stage (that means I did very well. Haha. Certain things are specific to the rhetoric of a comedian I suppose). You have to have a lot of patience in comedy, it’s a marathon, and some of the greatest comedians I know didn’t get the exposure they deserved until 10 + years or so in the business. I’m not whining at all, I truly have worked as hard as I can and I have to know that all things will come to me when they should. I’m where I am right now cause I need to be right here – I shouldn’t be anywhere else.

When I started I was terrible, just horrible (maybe that’s harsh, but that’s how I feel). I even stole jokes at first to see if I could make anything funny because nothing I said was funny, but I quickly learned that was a no-no and very forbidden! Haha. It was very innocuous looking back as I didn't know better and I think we all make mistakes while engendering a new career or avocation, especially in it’s inchoate stages. I’m at the point where I’ve developed a very strong act, my act is mine and original to me. People are starting to tell me I’m their favorite comedian and that nobody has made them laugh as much, I made them pee in their pants, they email me about certain jokes they liked, they shake my hand after a show and tell me they think I’m amazing and I can tell by the way they look at me that they mean it. These things make me feel wonderful, it’s amazing cause it’s why I do what I do, but at the same time I’m trying to fill my calendar with any gigs that will pay the bills. At some point will all this come to a fruition and I’ll meet someone at the right place, at the right time, cause I’ve deserved it and that person will help change my life and I’ll know this encounter isn’t fortuitous at all? I’ve done comedy long enough to definitely know how it works: work work work, get on stage, there are NO shortcuts. You have to develop that act and it takes YEARS. It really does. I’m working on certain things now, but those things aren’t getting laughs like they were when I started. Those things have everything to do with developing an amazing experience with a crowd, being interesting in only the way I can be, and overall giving them an ineffable experience so they want to see me again…that’s the only way you become marketable.

Each night I go out and I’ve been slaying (once again that’s doing very well), and I say this humbly, because I’ll be the first to tell you how terrible I was when I started and only hard work, dedication, discipline, and work ethic has gotten me to where I am (which is nowhere by the way. Haha). Honestly I think the results I'm getting now are because I place an importance on personality, having fun, and somehow finding a way to love your audience versus the monologue through material.
My point is that as I mentioned above, maybe at some point (because you’ve earned it), you meet people that can change your life at the right time…at the right moment. I can’t get anxious about where I am right now, because being anxious or stressed about anything is not going to help it and it doesn’t help the productive space around me, and it certainly doesn’t help the universe.

Overall I know I deserve to be very funny on stage, I’m giving an audience me, which is indelible as we all are if we present our personality, it's irreplaceable, and not an ersatz of our favorite comedian. I’m not trying to be like another comedian, I’m not trying to be anything other than who I am, to be totally connected in the moment, and in that moment to have a lot of fun….audiences are really responding to this. I guess you get bummed out when you go out for a week, murder on stage, hang out with people and sign autographs cause they think you are something, but then at the end of the week you don’t have any work and it’s just you alone again with your thoughts…with your struggles, with your concerns, with your insecurities, and with your love for what you do that drives you to these astute observations of yourself and the performer you’ve become. I have a visceral feeling that I’m going to be able to achieve all that I want with my career, because I’m going to work very hard, but I wonder if that’s going to make me happy even then.

I’m staring in the mirror looking back at the person I don’t understand.

Caught between one thick line, I can never see in the dark...can you?

4. nomadic ramblings

2008-01-11T01:41:00.000-08:00

Lately, well as I've gotten older, I'm trying to figure out why I've become such a recluse. I really do crave solitude in most social situations. It's so crazy how being a comic, a performer, and naturally being very gregarious can be very ostensible as to who I really am. I really am trying to figure it out, (or am I) maybe I'm just very happy with my own thoughts. As I get older I tend to not care or need the attention of others, not looking to make new friends most of the time, yet nothing makes me happier than to be on stage making others laugh...there is some compulsion that brings me in front of people, exposing my soul, yet one on one I prefer a taciturn demeanor. People have always felt very comfortable around me, they tell me, and I think it's because I'm very (or try) sincere and genuine to people, I look them in the eye, and I generally ask questions about them because I would rather not talk about myself since that is boring to me (I would be reciting something I already know). It's so easy to get information from people, just ask questions abut them, once you prove to be a safe space there are no barriers, and what once seemed to be a strange encounter can quickly, moments later become a budding friendship. I found that I became a much more interesting person in life once I showed a genuine interest in others. Try it out. But it also wears me out which is why I'm only close to a few people in life...why do people need a lot of close friends? Not me, that would wear me out. I just need a couple people who are a safe space, have a genuine interest in me, and overall care about me as a person.

I feel so bad that I make up excuses to hang out just so I can be alone, write at the cafe, take a run, or whatever I can do just to be alone. The odd thing is the people that ask me to do things I really like and respect...I do, and if I can muster myself into participating I always have a lot of fun and often times contribute abundantly to something I initially was trying to escape from. Is it weird that often times someone will ask me to do something and I will make up plans just to make sure I'm free to do nothing and sit at home in my sweat pants? haha. No wonder I don't mind being on the road doing comedy so much, I think the lure of performing in towns I've never been in front of strangers is one of the only ways to satisfy my overall need for stimulation I can't find.

So yeah, pensive internal ramblings have overtaken me lately, or for a long time. I tend to talk fast, I think fast, but when it's engaged in small talk it's even faster as I'm usually so anxious to get out of whatever conversation I'm in - sometimes it almost makes me have a panic attack. Other than being around most people, when I'm talking to people all I'm thinking about is being at home alone in my sweat pants, not saying anything. I can't even tell you, embarrassed to admit, how many fun parties and engagements I have left (well disappeared) because I wanted to go home and be alone, or just listen to music. It's happened a MILLION times and my friends all know that usually within 30 minutes of arriving at any location....I'm going to find a way to sneak away and leave, and I never say bye. Why? thats small talk I just want to avoid. Ughhh, saying bye is so difficult for me, like pulling teeth. It shouldn't be, but to me when I say bye either people want to talk you into staying longer, they have some ending story they want to tell you, or they want you to say bye to someone else before you leave - oh the ennui. Saying bye is one of the most difficult things to me, but I know it's rude just to sneak out, but I can't help it. The small talk involved with saying bye often overcomes me with so much stress that it gives me a headache. I'm odd? Well get inside my head and look around a bit, I'm certainly not proud to admit some of this. haha

On the flip side of all this, if conversation is titillating and engaging then I can talk for hours...even to strangers. What is a stranger anyhow? A stranger is just a friend we haven't met yet. I'm comfortable around anyone, and as long as someone is passionate about something, engaged enough to talk about it, then I can talk as long as that person exhibits passion and assiduous effort into showing what they care about. Once the conversation returns banal and small....I'm out. Maybe thats what I'm trying to figure out.
A lot of people think I'm stuck up, but people that get to know me would say the exact opposite, the antithesis, I try to be nice to everyone, it's just most of the time I have nothing to say and it's funny how having nothing to say is tantamount to being stuck up in some people's eyes. It's amazing the vacuous levels of judgement someone will administer to someone they have never met.

Lately I've been walking around peers, people I work with, comics, just wondering how I fit into everything. I feel so alone, I feel so different, and I'm not saying this in a 'I'm so different' kind of way. I don't know anything about that, I just know that I tend to think differently, tend to see things often in a different perception than others, tend to find fun in things that others find boring or stupid...so I fake it - I stand around faking it.

I kinda think, this is my cursory glance of me, that I'm just so engaged in whatever meaning I find in life, my life, my career, and the people close to me. For me there is no idle conversation, it always leads to love or fear..whats your stance? It seems a lot of people can just 'shoot the shit', sit around and talk about whatever, kinda waste time ya know...I can't seem to do that, ever. I'm intense man; intense even through the silence, however those close to me would describe me as very peaceful, calm, and overall reticent towards anything socially.

Ok my point is that if the conversation isn't of substance, based on my judgement, then I'm out - I'll find something better to do. I dunno, I know I'm rambling, maybe there is a point. Is there a point? I hope I find one. I hope I find one to my act. I really feel great things about my act as I'm really starting to understand my existence really well, my voice, and I'm deeply affected by many things and I'm starting to not run from that on stage. I'm starting to deliver the truth as I see it, to be daring, and to create my own experience. In the end it is about creating an experience which is always bigger than the jokes. I want to be remembered because I cared, because I loved, because I loved to love, and if I'm ever not talking, if I'm alone in the corner, it's just because I'm always concerned.....concerned I'm not contributing to life enough, concerned I'm not reaching my own expectations, and concerned I'll never be all that I know I can be....but I do try so hard, so very damn hard.

I've never admitted an erudition to anything, I'm just interested in a lot, and I hope in the end an epistemic journey finds me well...my visceral awareness is contingent upon such an encounter and existence. Let's find a point. Let's walk together to the evolution-bellcurve, the walk is not as long as we expect as we've been looking in the wrong direction the entire time.

3. east coast people

2008-01-04T20:52:00.000-08:00

East coast people are passionate about being from the east coast. They will always tell you "Dog, I'm east coast man...I'm from the east coast." It's funny how they often blame their shortcomings on being from the east coast:

- "Shhhhhyt, you don't get my sarcasm, thats because it's east coast baby. You just don't get it. That's east coast sarcasm. You don't know nothing about that."

- "Bro, you don't like how I'm driving? That's because I'm from the east coast, this is how we drive on the east coast. It's crazy there. I can't help it. Wish I could drive better, but bro I'm possessed by the east coast in me."

That would be funny if it got ridiculous....

- "Oh yeah damn, I know I peed in my pants, but thats east coast pee right there baby. Thats how we do it. I didn't mean to pee in my pants, thats what we do on the east coast. Ain't my bad."

Sir you've been charged with 16 felonies, 2 attempted counts of murder, and you are facing life in prison. How do you plead? "EAST COAST baby! I don't know nothing about no guilty or innocent, it's all about the east coast baby! That ain't on me, thats the east coast's fault. Thats what I'm talking about, I enter a plea of east coast!"

I wonder what passionate people on the east coast say when they need to have an excuse..."You don't get my sense of humor? shhhhyt, thats because I'm so Atlantic Ocean fool. I used to live in the Atlantic Ocean for 7 years....with a squid and a killer whale, that squid, boy we was close! He go me. Before that, man I was so Greenland..I'm telling ya man, nothing is my fault."

If you don't get this blog, thats because only people from the east coast get it, you don't know anything about it.

2. fascination of women's asses

2008-01-01T23:01:00.001-08:00

Men are barbaric yet fascinating at the same time. Complex as a Rubik's Cube at the special Olympics one minute and as simple as a game of Candy Land at the Neverland Ranch the next minute.

I wonder what is the compulsion in every man to turn around and look at a girl's ass when she passes by. Sometimes it's a cursory glance, a sly attempt in trying to pretend you were turning around to go the other way because you 'forgot something' at a store in the other direction or maybe pretend like you got a phone call and the only way to receive the call is to turn around while you 'answer' and look at the girls butt. Either way I think they are onto us.

Or, you just blatantly turn your fat face around and stare at the girl's butt with gaping psychotic eyes like you are looking into the face of God for the first time. This is repulsive, at least I try to be sly about it.

Why do we have to turn around and see the girl's butt? We know it's there. I'm certain every woman has a pooper, do they need our validation: "Oh yeah, just wanted to make sure you had a pooper...thats why I turned around. I wanted to make sure. Yup, you do, you have your own fart motor, but I had to turn around to find out for myself".

A man could be on fire running on his way to jump into a pond and he would still turn around and look at a girl's ass. "Ouch, I'm on fire..out of the WAY!!! Get out of the WAY!!....Hold on first, let me turn around and get a glance of this hiney before I burn to death."

I'll even look at a big 350lb heifer ass, I don't care. I know she's got back fat, front butt with crumbs and Doritos ebbing from her filthy pores, but I'll still turn around to take a gander at her big fat beach ball ass. There is nothing attractive at all about this behemoth, she could probably be drafted and play the front line for the Chicago Bears, yet I still find it necessary to turn around and look at her planet size butt that swells up like a can of biscuits when she takes off her size 48 Sassoon jeans.

I wonder if there has ever been a romantic encounter, a love at first sight marriage fomented by the man turning around to glance at his prospect's dookie machine. "So Stacey, how did you meet Ryan anyhow?"
"Oh Ryan? it's such a lovely and romantic story. I was sauntering in front of Ross Dress For Less in my soil stained white washed pleated Jordache jeans when all of a sudden I heard this guy yell "hey YOU! You with the ass...yeah you, you wanna go out with me?" At first I was hesitant, but the drool from his mouth combined with him rubbing his balls and then smelling his hands really told me it was love at first sight. We've been together ever since."

Is this outcome at all plausible? Never. So why do we do it? What are we hoping to happen? Are we hoping she turns around and says "I was just waiting for you to turn around and stare at my ass....now let's jump behind that dumpster and have sex".

TRUE STORY

One time I was in the mall and I saw someone with such a great ass that I followed her and chased her like a basset hound treeing a raccoon. The thing was though, the person was so far away when I saw 'the ass' that I had no idea on verifying if it was even a woman. It could have been a woman, gay ballet dancer, bigfoot, etc, I have no idea. For the purpose of this story and making me less embarrassed than I already am, we'll assume it was a female.

The funny thing is I saw her ass from down stairs and she was walking by upstairs. She was walking out of Talbot's, which should have been my first sign that she was some old milky-eyed Grandma who likes to wear Wolf and the Moon sweatshirts and make pecan pies on Tuesday's. Anyhow, I didn't piece this together, all I saw was a nice pair of buns coming out of a crappy store where old people buy clothes.
In probably one of the lowest and idiotic moments of my life I decided to 'chase' this ass down. I'm briskly walking through the mall, dodging people and focused like I'm an FBI agent chasing a fugitive. How dumb is all this?
She is so far away, I'm guessing at which way she went, so I'm running through the mall like OJ in a Hertz commercial.

I never found her, glad I didn't, because what would I have done?? What would I have said? I have no idea what I would have said to this person if I did find her. What if I did find her and she did have an ass you could balance a coke bottle on?
I assume I would have walked up to her and said "Hey umm, I've been following you for a while and ummm I just wanted to let you know that if you need to use the restroom, then you can. You have the necessary equipment on your body. Not sure if you know this, but if you need to release excrement from your body, then you are totally prepared to do so. I just wanted to let you know that. I followed you, ran you down, just to give you that information. Now you can do no. 1 or no. 2 with your ass, or you can do them both together...that choice is up to you, choices are limitless, but you have a working pooper and I hope you find happiness with it...I have to go cry now. bye."

Oh, let me end with a joke I do in my act that everyone seems to love...

"Asses are like snowflakes. Every one is unique and different, and they always look best....when being pounded into balls." - JM

Happy New Year:)

1. january first

2008-01-01T22:29:00.000-08:00

So I hear it's a new year, a new digit on the stanza...who cares right? I don't really care. I don't believe in resolutions because
1) it's ridiculous to make guarantees towards anything (thats the fundamental direction of a resolution) and
2) why would you limit yourself to doing or accomplishing anything during a specific part of the year. If you really want to do something, then do it now, time and space do not exist.

With all this said, this new year I've decided to attack through all things that will enable me to be a better performer (comedian), better person, and better contributor to all things I'm involved with. With an assiduous dedication to becoming a better comedian, a stable athlete, and an engaged human being I've got to become even more disciplined than I already am...special things are only created through sacrifice. At this point, more than ever, I'm dedicated to doing whatever it takes to become very successful at what I do.

As I write this my overall emotion about my life is happiness (but not content). I feel good things on the horizon with hopeful auspicious results. My act is very strong and I feel the right people are going to see me very soon...I've really worked well on my patience (on stage as well). On the road I am doing an hour plus every night and people are responding to me with a lot of affection as I've found the importance of having fun on stage and being a funny person versus an emphasis on material...people want to laugh at FUNNY PEOPLE who have funny things to say (a big difference). Let me clarify to say that I have a very austere practice towards writing, I want to be original and clever, but at the same time I want to be a funny person outside of my act (which I am in person, obviously, but crossing this over on stage is very difficult and takes years of stage time).

I'll be signing with one of the biggest agents in San Francisco, this is great, as I'm trying to focus a lot of my efforts on acting/tv. Most people don't know, and you only figure it out on your own, that being a professional comic is about your draw: who wants to see you and how much of demand you have. Road clubs do not give a shit how clever your premise are, they will book you if you are funny, and they will headline you if you get butts in the seat. Simple as that. I get work as a comic, don't really need the help there, but I do need help in being put in front of the right casting agents and getting the right auditions. Through TV medium thousands of people can see me, whereas at a comedy club only a couple hundred will see me. The point? TV enables mass recognition of an artist thus tantamount to a bigger following sooner. Make sense?

Not sure what else to say, a lot to say, but this blog isn't really specific to anything, just me rambling on the first day of 2008.

I'll try to keep this interesting so people want to read it. Happy New Years to everyone!! I really hope you all find happiness in your life...this is your choice. The choice of happiness is always one we make up in our mind.