Humor,Comedy and Satire with Jake The MassPube

Havin' it both ways...

2007-07-12T07:32:00.000-05:00

Well now, here's an Al Qaida update for today...

WASHINGTON - A new threat assessment from U.S. counterterrorism analysts says that al-Qaida has used its safe haven along the Afghan-Pakistan border to restore its operating capabilities to a level unseen since the months before Sept. 11, 2001.
A counterterrorism official familiar with a five-page summary of the document — titled "Al-Qaida better positioned to strike the West" — called it a stark appraisal. The analysis will be part of a broader meeting at the White House on Thursday about an upcoming National Intelligence Estimate.

Just yesterday , Homeland Security chief Mike Chertoff says he has a gut feeling (left) that something could happen here and asked us all to be extra vigilant.....which I thought was his job! But I'll keep an eye out , Mike, I promise!

Isn't the Republican War Cry "If we don't fight them there (wherever the hell 'there' is?) , we'll be fighting them here".

Well, we're fighting them there...and now, I guess , we'll be fighting them here too. Good job, fellas.

So instead of beating the pants off the shitheads in Afghanistan, we switched to a pointless war in Iraq which, thanks to George W. Bush and cronies, is now the breeding ground for the terrorists who want to fight now tying up our armed forces, so the dingbats along the Afghan-Pakistani border had time to plan again and maybe attack us here ......because a third report yesterday said that Al Qaida is back to pre-9/11 capacity.

Sounds like it's all workin' out to me!

George and cronies also know an old lady who swallowed a fly!

Speaking of Government Drones..

2007-07-10T06:47:00.000-05:00

Having trouble digesting bad government ? Try CHINESE for a change.....
.

BEIJING - (off Yahoo News)..China executed (Yes, Executed!!) the former head of its food and drug watchdog on Tuesday for approving untested medicine in exchange for cash, the strongest signal yet from Beijing that it is serious about tackling its product safety crisis.

The execution of former State Food and Drug Administration director Zheng Xiaoyu was confirmed by state television and the official Xinhua News Agency.

During Zheng's tenure from 1998 to 2005, his agency approved six medicines that turned out to be fake, and the drug-makers used falsified documents to apply for approvals, according to previous state media reports. One antibiotic caused the deaths of at least 10 people.

As the gun was put against his temple, the executioner said, "Sorry, Zheng, but here's your reward for doing a heckuva job. Hopefully the new guy will bullet-point your mistakes".

Of course, always ready to improve their human rights record, the Chinese government offers a choice ...
Choose One from Column A and One from Column B...

A: Hanging, Gunshot, Lethal Injection

B. Guillotine, Electrocution, Gas Chamber

Didn't 1200 people die in Hurricane Katrina? How many have been killed in Iraq for no reason now?

Tony Snowjob, just today, says the surge is working. A statement like that gives me hope......hope that someday I'll be able to find a drug that good, to quote Lewis Black.

BANG, ZOOM, ALICE using the CHINESE method.

Meanwhile the Iraqi government has not met a single deadline says a US government report today...and I guarantee the day our troops leave, the Iraqi government won't be far behind. I wouldn't be surprised to find them inside the engine once the plane lands.

You'd think these incompetent turds would have to pay a price besides a) admitting that they were wrong and b) that they were given bad information three years from now on Meet The Press as they plug their book....like with Tony Blair's old cabinet now admitting they were wrong to go to Iraq.

"Air hellair. So veddy sorry". Ta Ta".......Anybody up for Chinese?

THE MASSPUBE VS THE POST OFFICE: A TRUE ADVENTURE

2007-07-09T13:39:00.000-05:00

The gigantic 'female', multi-stomached, scaled beast behind the counter at our local post office went nuts when I asked her for twenty .39 cent stamps for the remaining "two centers" I bought when the rates went up.

"We sent them all back", proclaimed the globe-like organism angrily.

"Why? Wouldn't you figure people would need some for the "two's ?", asked your MassPube

"It's not my fault if you bought too many", snorted Godzilla's grandmom ...and went on break. Loving this confrontation and hoping to become a knight if I slew the dragon, I waited.

When she arrived back after eating an Orca and two squid, I said, "That's true that I bought too many , but since you are "the post office", I still need the stamps?'

"What do you want ?", she roared, as smoke belched out of her mis-shapen nostrils.

"I already told you...a book of .39's"

"We don't have them. We sent them back. Why don't you just use the two's?".

"Well, it'd be pretty silly to send out a letter with 20 two's and a one center, now wouldn't it? Where would I write the address? So how about you give me stamps that add up to 39."

"Okay, what do you want?"

"How do I know what I want when I have no idea what denominations stamps come in ..... nor do I have any idea what stamps are in your drawer?"

Now I hear laughter in the line behind me as a couple of fellow postal consumers start to break up laughing.

She glances at them with an angry look and then gives them the EVIL EYE and , much to my surprise, they immediately turned into mice and scampered away ......

which is the only thing our local Post Office ever did to help shorten the line in it's entire history.

"Look", I said, "just give me the largest denominations you have that add up to 39."

"Okay", she growls back, "which ones"

"How about 20 38's and 20 1's. "

I hear more laughter behind me.

"We don't have 38's". They don't exist!

"Well, what does exist. Maybe we can start from there"!

And so I wound up with twenty .26 centers and twenty .10 centers....and then after I left, she ate the two people behind me in line. That helped shorten the line too.

For more on gov't drones...go to www.steveklotz.com/blog for today on the hurricane center. personnel shift.

POISON TOOTHPASTE SCARE HITS MASSACHUSETTS

2007-07-07T07:44:00.000-05:00

Friday's Boston Globe front page reported that imported Colgate toothpaste from China may contain high levels of a chemical used in anti-freeze, so all consumers were asked to watch out for the packages marked "Made in China".

I checked ours because with The MassPube ................ family safety comes first.

Thankfully it was "Corgate Toothpaste ..."for rong rasting froulide plotection", so we're going to finish the tube, secure that we're safe !

Jake The MassPube says "Be calefur and check yours too."

The Pube is Back but Mein Gottfried is gone!

2007-07-05T12:15:00.000-05:00

Happy July 5th, the 2nd Monday of the week. I took six weeks off from writing the blog as business and money making got the best of me. Now that I've made enough money to last another short period of time, its back to you, my dear sweet readers .......who don't pay me a freaking dime.

While a new beginning, it also signals the end for one. I refer to the sad death of Gottfried Von Bismarck, 44 year old London based playboy and great great great great grandson of the unifier of Germany , Otto Von Bismarck, inventor of the ottomatic transmission ,I believe.

First, we'd all like to thank great great great great Grandpop for unifying Germany in the 1870's , hence bringing about World Wars I and II. Good job, Zayda and , by the way, go fuck yourself.

I know you'll find this hard to believe in a German leader but little Gottfried, as a member of German royalty, was a fairly perverted individual. According to AP, as an undergraduate at Oxford, he was known for his extravagant appearance — which at times involved dressing in fishnet stockings or traditional Bavarian lederhosen — and his lavish parties.

At one, guests were greeted by a pair of severed pigs' heads on the dinner table.

He was a known addict and his sex life bordered on the brink of sanity. Two people are known to have died at his $7 million pound apartment in Chelsea. One fell off the roof of his apartment (A.P., Dr. Paul Knapman, presiding over an inquest at Westminster Coroner's Court, said one room of the apartment contained a "bizarre" assortment of items including a large rubber tarpaulin on the floor, towels, lubricants, bottles of vodka and buckets of sex toys.Police concluded Casey's death was an accident, and the coroner's verdict was "death by misadventure," meaning no one was to blame.)

A woman died there as well, perhaps after being treated to a night with "Little Gottfried", his Hanging Hitler,his dangling Deustchmark aka his phallic Fuehrer, so to speak.

His family made their money by manufacturing large rubber tarpaulins , towels, lubricants, bottles of vodka and buckets of sex toys.

Note he lived in London which I'm sure he and his family enjoyed as it was rebuilt from the German V-2 rockets ....rockets that other German royalty shot over to London during the blitz with banners on it that said, "Gottfried, iffen you getten dis, call home to mama".

His family's comment was, according t0 AP,""Count Gottfried was a wonderful person," .

2007-05-21T07:36:00.000-05:00

Check back in a few weeks for new posts.

Leadership Update

2007-05-16T15:40:00.000-05:00

Pope Bendadick the 16th visited Brazil last week and brought his anti-poverty, sexually prurient, "lead a Christian life", anti-abortion,anti-violence message to the country that has more Catholics per capita than any other..

...........and their religion has really paid off for them .........as Brazil is a place where poverty is so massive it makes your local neighborhood ghetto look like Rodeo Drive...where the world's sexiest women march around 97% naked on the beach (God bless them) and the men are mucho macho constantly grabbing their weiners in public (better theirs than mine, frankly) ......and where wholesale crime and violence in the form of kidnapping, gang violence, and murder float in a sea of manure just down the street from the "best" neighborhoods.

Yep, it's a Catholic country, Jesus overlooks Rio from the mountain above.....just watch a movie called "City of God" if you want to learn about Brazil........and my favorite gold-bedecked , purple-shoe wearing, former Hitler Youth, Il Papa, spoke to the masses in a soccer stadium as every freaking hypocrite in the Southern hemisphere probably would have killed each other to see him.
Bendadick snapped this picture of two novitiate Brazilian nuns walking to Baptism on a Brazilian beach as proof that his message of love and peace is getting across.!

His exact words when he walked back onto his airplane were ,"How'd we do?" as his trip treasurer started counting up the shekels given to him by the poor for his blessing....and "See, you can fool all of der pipple all of der time".

Czar Wars.....The Umpire Strikes Back

2007-05-14T05:36:00.000-05:00

After yesterdays 6 run bottom of the ninth,The White House announced today that Red Sox manager Terry Francona has been named "War Czar". White House press secretary Tony Snow said they did this because "Francona obviously can turn, with a little luck, a debacle into victory".

Yesterday, The Boston Red Sox were down 5-0 going into the bottom of the ninth at Fenway Park:
One quick out.
Catcher misses an infield pop up. Man on first ,one out!
Two walks, a single, a tagout at home on a horrible call, and a double later, it's 5-4, bases loaded , two outs.
Julio Lugo hits a ball to first...pitcher runs over, first baseman flips ball to pitcher for third out, pitcher drops ball. Lugo safe, two runs score. Game over, Sox win

Did you hear me. I said SOX WIN....a win which gives them the best record in baseball.

Francona reports to The Pentagon later today to be sure there are plenty of pumpkin seeds and pistachios in his new office.

As of "Today".......

2007-05-10T06:42:00.000-05:00

The TODAY Show this morning devoted about six minutes at the start of their 7:30 half-hour to the topic of who got thrown off of American Idol last night. FYI, I learned it was a young woman named LaKisha who got booted.
Here's a hot tidbit for the producers at Today...anyone interested would have watched "American Idol". The rest of us don't give a shit! That's not news....it's bullshit! And its not entertainment news either, because if she could entertain people, even at these standards...she wouldn't have gotten the boot! ENOUGH!!!!

In a world going nuts, and on a show where you have three hours to inform people of something....here's more news for The Today Show......I'm done. I'm out. Go hawk 1/2 stories with the end of them on your prime time news shows to some other schmuck. I've had it...and I've been watching you for years. Today, no pun intended, was it!

See, this was a day where Tony Blair said he was stepping down! That story got about the same amount of time at the 7 am hour as Ms.LaKisha got being tossed off Idol in your second half hour...LaKisha even merited discussion from your hosts, Blair did not!.

Katie Couric left TODAY in the hope she might be taken seriously , following in the footsteps of Cronkite as anchor of The CBS News. Maybe years ago, she might have been because being host of The Today Show was a prestigious job and a stepping stone for the likes of Tom Brokaw. Since Brokaw, TODAY has simply dumbed down and these days Ms. Couric's CBS ratings reap what she has sown. As of the sweeps last week, she's dead last!

So, as we dumb down everything, Jake the MassPube wanted you to know about Alpo Dog Food because Today might want to do an article on this!
On their newer ,large dog food cans, they have a big green arrow overwritten with these words, "New E-Z Open Lid". The arrow points to the top of the can.... just as though the freakin' lid might be somewhere else besides the the top of the can.

This is big. This is news. They're telling us where the lid is. Today Show...get right on it....."and we'll have the rest of the report on Dateline at 9pm tonight". Let your audience hear it from you. The lid is on the top....inquiring minds want to know!

TV news...its a dog eat dog world! Now you'll be able to open the can easier!

Protocol with President Bush and Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II

2007-05-09T05:08:00.000-05:00

President Bush looked rather uncomfortable in white tie and tails as he hosted the White House dinner for the Queen. Instead of reading about US-British relations over the years, he prepared for wearing his fancy suit by watching "March of the Penguins" for the 4th time, still trying to grasp the story line.

His gift to the Queen of an egg which he personally delivered to her by waddling over while holding it on top of his feet really touched Her Majesty, as she turned to her Ambassador and said, "What a fucking idiot!".

Bush's entire cabinet, in order to learn more about how to act in white tie and tails also watched Happy Feet, that delightful kids animated film about the penguins and global warming affecting their environment.

The film was delayed when Vice President Cheney threw his shoe at the screen screaming something about Al Gore ... and delayed again when he couldn't stop cheering for the illegal fishing boat ......and then again for the oil exploration team.

Luckily the movie finished in time for the dinner where the Veep and the entire cabinet tap danced over to Prince Phillip, explaining to Phil that he was too stiff ........and to "put a little fun in his life. Try dancing". Prince Phillip declined the invitation.

Cheney, never one to give up, then asked him to go hunting! He declined that as well. The night ended early when Paul Wolfowitz asked the Queen out on a date promising her a better job........and Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "Tell them the baby sitter called and lets get the 'ell out of here".

Mixed up Yet.....Primary Elections

2007-05-08T05:49:00.000-05:00

With every state now trying to beat every other state by having the first primary, New Hampshire has decided to have the first primary for the 2012 election on November 5th, 2008, one day after the Presidential election. "We're sick of this shit from our 49 brethren", said Dewey R. Donwee of Berlin,NH,"We've always been first and we intend to remain first". The Little State that Could than chugged ,"I think I can. I think I can".
Flori-duh, which can't, immediately scoffed at their " can-do" attitude.

And in response, Flori-DUH, which looks like a penis and which just announced a primary for January (which,in turn, pissed off South Carolina who immediately started shelling Fort Sumter) announced that they are moving their 2012 primary to the day of the 2008 election.

Flori-duh Governor Charlie ("Jesus") Crist said, " Our voters are so screwed up, they have no idea who the hell they're voting for anyway. After all, liberal Palm Beach County voted overwhelmingly for Pat Buchanon in 2000 until we realized they had punched out the wrong chad since we had accidentally placed Gore's name under a referendum to end grapefruit blight in Escambia County by 2016".

Nevada then announced that they are skipping 2008 entirely and will count any votes placed on November 4th, 2008 as 2012 primary votes. This worried John McCain, the Senator from neighboring Arizona, who had planned to be dead for the 2012 election.

With McCain probably dead , this opens the 2012 field to people who have never been elected to anything yet. "I was going to run for Governor in '08 and then make a presidential run in 2012", said future grandson Dickie Cheney the 14th, currently in the womb),"Now I have to enter Nevada's 2012 election by next Thursday and I don't have enough names on the petition because I'm unborn, but I still have rights.".

In a surprise move, Congress announced plans to end all this by rescheduling the 2012 election to 2009, one year after the 2008 election, just in case any of the current candidates actually win the presidency........ which means that New Hampshire's primary will have to be moved, if they wish to remain first, to March 13th, 2007, a date which has already passed.

"This proves evolution doesn't exist" said Kansas Senator Sam Brownback as he peeled a banana with his feet!

Romney and The Hindenburg...A celebration of Two disasters

2007-05-06T07:54:00.000-05:00

Seventy years ago today, the airship Hindenburg ripped off one of the great farts of all time as the Nazi blimp (no, not Goerring) blew up as she was getting ready to land at Lakehurst,NJ.... and 37 people were killed in the explosion. "Oh, the humanity!". It blew because the US refused to give the Nazis helium for their airbags and they had to use hydrogen which is slightly flammable.

Let's celebrate an old disaster and a potential one, shall we?

Mitt (aren't I good looking? No, really, aren't I") Romney aka My Favorite Mormon....former Governor of the vastly blue state of Massachusetts..... gave the commencement address at The Most Looney Reverend Pat Robertson's Regent University this weekend.

Robertson would have spoken, but they couldn't find the key to his muzzle.

Mitt-head, who is Mormon, will kiss anyone's ass to become president. He wasn't so welcome since many students at this Christian school object to many of the Mormon teachings, but that didn't stop Mitt. He couldn't care less since he'll say anything or do anything to get a vote. Having changed his positions so far on 1)stem cell research (even though his sick wife could use it) , 2)abortion, and 3) gun control, the lifelong hunter and brand new NRA life member (by his own admission, he last went rabbit hunting 45 years ago) gave his speech without the use of a teleprompter. That thing that looked like a teleprompter in front of him was, in fact, a mirror.... because he really is good looking, isn't he! The speech was entitled "Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who's the dang best looking Presidential candidate of all" . The hypocritical piece of Mitt ended it by emphatically stating , "You know, I really am good looking. Aren't I!" , the one position he stands firm on.

Mitt's speeches this week are scheduled for : Monday:The Pro-Choice League; Tuesday: The "Kill the Abortion Doctors " Association; Wednesday: The Hollow Point Bullet Club ;Thursday:The Gun Control Now Club ;and , as the timing is right, Friday: The "Helium for Nazis" group.

Bad Bosses and Bad Glue, Boston Style

2007-05-03T12:57:00.000-05:00

Every boss I've ever had has been an asshole and that includes when I was self -employed! Visit http://blogs.bnet.com/salesmachine/?p=47 and write about YOUR WORST BOSS EVER at my old friend Geoff James' terrific business blog .

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The headline in yesterday's Boston Globe read "Big Dig job may have used wrong epoxy". And when the roof fell down last year, it killed a woman, crushing her car and when that roof fell down, they closed the tunnels screwing up commuting for months as they repaired and checked all the ceilings.

The wrong epoxy? How does such a thing happen? Masspube Construction Research spoke to Rufus Klapzing, Manager of Ceiling Construction on the Big Dig, Boston's system of underground expressway tunnels." The engineers specified a certain glue. They sent us another kind, a generic. It looked the same. We used it."

Records seem to indicate that Modern Continental Construction Inc. used a quick drying epoxy, E'mirs, as opposed to what was specified, Elmers!

"E'mirs, developed by a company in the friendly country of Yemen, looks and tastes the same as Elmer's" said a still close-mouthed Klapzing, close mouthed due to his taste test in 2005. "and we saved 8 cents a gallon on it."

In a little known fact, continued Rip Offe, attorney for Modern Continental Construction Inc., "Several workers who used the good glue are still stuck to the beams inside the ceiling of The Big Dig. The unions and workman's comp got on us. We had to use a different glue! Only one has been released to date (left). We feed them everyday and set up conjugal visits as well. Have you any idea how much that costs? Doesn't anyone care about the working man anymore...like we do!"

The city of Boston suggests visitors bring their own glue when they visit the city until this is all sorted out!

2007-05-03T05:48:00.000-05:00

The Pentagon asked that folksinger Joan Baez not entertain the troops...which she was asked to do by John Mellenkamp at a concert he's scheduled to do.

The reason, reports MassPube War Intelligence, is not that she's anti-war, but that the word "Kumbiyah" is the new code word for "Blackhawk Down".

"It's a song too?", asked a bewildered General Peter Pace, "I had no idea.".

He then started humming "I sold my heart to the junkman" and remarked, "Stupid song, but it's stuck in my head. Why would anyone marry a trash man?"

Instead Larry the Cable Guy will sing "Where have all the flowers gone" for our wounded vets!

For his part, Mellenkamp was shocked .... and then responded, "I guess this means that Iranian President Ahmadinejihad won't be called to sing the haftorah at the upcoming Ginsburg Bar Mitzvah in Beverly Hills where I am also scheduled to entertain. I hate to rescind the invitation".

2007-05-02T05:24:00.000-05:00

President George W. Bush accidentally vetoed the trade papers that would have sent Oakland wide receiver Randy Moss to the New England Patriots. ...and posted him to Iraq instead.

"Shit. I should read stuff before I sign it. But frankly, most people in Massachusetts can't stand me anyway. The Patriots, as far as I'm concerned, are un-patriotic" said the President, who noted that the Patriots wear blue and he mixed it up with a Democratic bill.

Tom Brady, Patriots quarterback, who re-arranged his own contract so that Moss (who took an $8 million pay cut to play for New England) could come to the Pats, took the news with his usual good nature.

Meanwhile Moss said, "He did what...that dumb mutha fuc....." as he looked at his new rifle, night vision goggles, and backpack.

However in a late evening development, the combined legislatures of Vermont, Rhode Island, New Hampshire and Massachusetts overrode the Presidential veto.....Connecticut which is half Jets fans declined to participate.......and Moss will go to New England as opposed to Iraq.

Senate majority leader Harry Reid commented, "When I heard about the dope's mistake I said that the Pats season is lost.Thankfully President Doo-doo-ball-head's mistake, with all due respect ,was annulled as we look forward to both the New Hampshire primary and the Pats season with vigor"

Troubles and they start with "T"

2007-05-01T04:39:00.000-05:00

Tenet & Tobias.....
Finally the Bush administration does its homework instead of running off "half-cocked", ahem.

Randall Tobias was a big shot in the State Department running our foreign aid division and also was responsible for dealing with the effects of prostitution the world over and how it affected foreign aid. He was the one responsible for the International ABSTINENCE patrol of this White House....... like anyone would actually screw Karl Rove anyway.

Turns out he had to resign when it was discovered he was using Washington DC's most famous "escort service" for , in his own words, "massages".

Could be true ......, maybe they were massaging his weiner .........but at least, unlike anyone else in the administration, he was doing his homework,i.e.,hiring DC prostitutes..... and I ain't talkin' Shaqueenah off "The Corner". He hired only high priced, college educated, 'sweet cream ladies', not the exact thing you'd buy off the street in say Lahore, Pakistan or Tijuana, but hell, ya gotta start somewhere when you're serious about your job......like Mr. Tobias!

Another former Administration screwball bobbed back to the surface on Sunday night, one George Tenet, former Director of the CIA, winner of the Presidential Medal of Freedom or some such crapola Bush gives to his buddies and former buddies, current Georgetown professor and one freaking nutcase! Obviously Georgetown's HR department will hire anyone.

The very first page of Tenet's new book called "At the Center of The Storm" relates a story that he told Scott Pelley of "60 Minutes" , immediately after he screamed in Pelley's face that "he only deals in the facts,.........that Richard Perle, a White House neo-con, blamed Iraq for 9/11 in a White House meeting on 9/12 , hence proving, screamed Tenet, that The White House didn't care about proof about Iraq at all.........BUT Perle, it turns out ,was in Paris on 9/12 and could not have had the meeting with Tenet at The White House. That's page one of the book of facts.

He also went on to scream that his famous advice about going to war with Iraq, "It's a slam dunk" was misinterpreted. He meant to say"It's a slam dunk", but it came out, "It's a slam dunk" which obviously, depending on what your definition of 'is' is, can mean either one of two things.....
1. "It's a slam dunk" or 2) "It's a slam dunk", as clearly shown by the photo of Mr Tenet explaining exactly what he meant, above! Thank you, Mr. Tenet .

LORD HELP US!

Too Much Pomp, Not Enough Circumstance or

2007-04-28T15:10:00.000-05:00

Marilee, we roll along......
Next time those in higher education look askance at you while their noses point straight up into the air as they interview your kid for college,

........remind yourself of one Marilee Jones, the Director of Admissions ,no, not at Schlepville State College in Elk Vomit, Idaho, but at MIT, no less, who, after being with MIT for 28 years , resigned on Thursday because it turns out she fabricated all her credentials......

or as we commoners like to put it, "She freakin' lied on her freakin' resume!"

Considered the "MOST CELEBRATED AND OUTSPOKEN ADMISSIONS DEAN IN AMERICA", so says The Boston Globe, it turns out that when she said she had degrees from
1. Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute 2. Union College and 3. Albany Medical College...she really meant to check the "NO" box, but dang if she didn't check "YES.

Amazingly, the administrative assistant job she originally applied for 28 years ago did not have a college degree requirement, but , what the fuck, lah dee dah, she lied anyway...and since she did so well and they promoted her so often, they never checked her resume against,.... oh what do you call that damn thing....oh yeah...that's right......the truth!
They say that the truth shall set you free. That must be correct! She's free of her job.

Well, MIT, this just goes to show you the value of a really good education, the kind that your students are paying ,what, $60,000.00 a year for. Your beloved Dean of Admissions never even went to school ...and 28 years ago, did anyone think to ask her at the interview, "Why would somebody with degrees from Rensselaer, Union and Albany Medical College be applying for a job as an administrative assistant which requires no degree?'

Hmm, look who's President...and he has a degree from Yale. A Yale degree gives us the dumbest thing since toenails failed to evolve while NO degree at all gets to be Dean of Admissions at MIT, one of the great schools anywhere!

Hmmm......What's the tuition at Schlepville State anyway. Come to think of it...why bother?

2007-04-27T05:35:00.000-05:00

Potentially habitable planet found By SETH BORENSTEIN, AP Science Writer Wed Apr 25, 4:35 PM ET WASHINGTON - For the first time astronomers have discovered a planet outside our solar system that is potentially habitable, with Earth-like temperatures, a find researchers described Tuesday as a big step in the search for "life in the universe." The planet is just the right size, might have water in liquid form, and in galactic terms is relatively nearby at 120 trillion miles away.

EARTHLINGS FIND US......LETS BUILD A FENCE says President Ajwqkr of the Planet Nephron since finding out that we found them. "When we find out who left the lights on, they're in big trouble", Ajwqkr continued as he worried about the impact of Earth people even knowing they exist, something they've been trying to avoid happening for the last 20 billion years.

In his message to Earth, the President said he wants to make sure that Earth knows,:

1. We do not have weapons of mass destruction, except for our death rays which we'll be happy to use on you if you come closer than 119.9 trillion miles.

2. We have immigration rules which we enforce. If you'd like to be deported to asteroid 119367483 if we catch you here, that can be arranged. That ain't a potato. You'll call it home!

3. We do not have plastic bags littering the landscape since we only go to the grocery store once every 4 billion years.

4. We believe in science and when the scientists say the planet is in trouble , we believe them. We don't believe in a supreme being telling you to you to come here. We have a term for that here, "bullshit". Check yourself into a mental hospital if you hear differently

5. You're basically a bunch of fucking idiots. Please stay away. The only radio signal we've heard from your planet is something called Rush Limbaugh
and if that's what you loons listen to, we'll be happy to send you a death ray to use on yourselves.

6. We're hermaphroditic which means we fuck ourselves, thank you very much, and we like it......and we hardly need you fucking us up further.

SO DO US AND YOURSELVES A BIG FAVOR..............................

A New England Jew in King George's court

2007-04-25T06:59:00.000-05:00

I spent the last four days in Texas visiting family in Tyler.

I ate true barbecue and it was fabulous at the Bodacious Barbecue. They give you a lot of food. The "junior" appetizer is pictured to the right! I also ate the flag. The dinner was still moo'ing as I ingested it.

I ate a great greasy spoon old style burger at Jucy's in Tyler, a real hamburger joint. I love Jucy. Not a chain, they even have a pot full of FREE spiced pinto beans overflowing as they cook your burger with a side of double fried french fries. I went for my second helping of beans before I got my burger... and was stopped by an EPA agent.

He was rewarded by President Bush "fer doin' a heckua job" ..... and thanked by my wife.

I learned that the health curriculum in the schools is something called "Virginity Rules". Any textbook with a mention of sexual organs, sexual orientation, sexually transmitted diseases or semi accurate sexual diagrams is verboten by the textbook police who, once they finish in Tyler, are moving on to protest teaching spawing to young salmon . Virginity Rules offers advice and activities to remain celibate ........!

It offers nothing new! The Virginity Rules activities include a hand, a wrist, a dick, and 16 year old cheerleader, Suzy May Belfus, walking by you , winking and sayin', "How y'all doin?". I can't speak for everybody, but it sure worked for me on Monday. Just ask the Tyler police!

A woman I met from Jackson Missisippi once said to me , "Southern girls. We're the only ones who can screw all night and wake up virgins". See, virginity does rule!

Lost in Translation

2007-04-19T09:22:00.000-05:00

AFTER THIS POST, I WON'T BE BACK ON UNTIL WEDNESDAY 4/25. ENJOY THIS AND CHECK BACK THEN................................

Part 1 of 3.........
GONZALES "VOWS TO STAY" says BOSTON GLOBE HEADLINE.

Jake the MassPube translates this to "I'd resign today but my confirmation has not yet come through from Travelocity regarding my post-resignation trip. Hence I'll be resigning next week, just as soon as I get seat assignments, and my letter will say how my staying on would only continue to be a drain on the important work of the US Justice Department. I am expecting The Medal of Freedom from President Bush sometime in August".

Part 2 of 3
REID SAYS "WAR IS LOST", DRAWING GOP REBUKE!
"Republicans pounced on the comment as evidence that Democrats do NOT support the troops"

Jake the MassPube explains the rebuke : This is an astounding leap of logic such as this fictional question: "Do you walk to school or carry your lunch? Aha, obviously you don't support the troops".

This 'rebuke' proves that the Republicans will say and do anything to hang on, to the point (if they had had the chance) of changing into a dress to get on a Titanic lifeboat, making it to the Carpathia and saying "See, I won. I kicked the old lady off the boat because I felt she didn't support the troops".

Considering that we "lost" the war in Vietnam, this country, which cost us 50,000 lives, is now a gentle, non-aggressive country where there are tons of American products ..... and a place where Americans can visit and have a great vacation.

After we win in Iraq, should you visit there for a weekend getaway, Jake says "Bring an extra bag" since you'll probably be bringing your head back as "carry-on" on the return trip.

Part 3 of 3......

Even Jake had trouble translating this Reuters article about a trial in China: " China jailed an Uighur-Canadian for life for separatism and terrorism....The court in Urumqi ...convicted Huseyin Celil,37, of terrorist activities......Celil, whose first name can also be spelled Huseyincan, was the second ethnic Uighur activist jailed in China this week".

Jake had no idea what an Uighar is, let alone an "Uighur-Canadian" ! Uighur ,fyi, is an area in northwest China
Jake thanks Reuters for giving me the other spelling of "Huseyin".
Jakes thanks Reuters for keeping me appraised of the activities of Uighur-Canadians in China which is a topic I usually use to pick up women in bars...which goes a long way to explaining why I haven't gotten laid in two years.

SEE YA WEDNESDAY

2007-04-19T05:42:00.000-05:00

First Warning Sign...when this becomes your kids home page

Believe it or not, this freaking nutcase is now a "hero" to some people. That's the good news!

The bad news is that all of them are nuts too. Yesterday in Huntersville, NC, a high school kid pointed a handgun at two other students in a school parking lot at North Mecklenburg High School. He didn't fire and ,by the end of the day, killed himself. As the rock group Chicago once sang, "Only the beginning".

Cho said in his "manifesto" to NBC News that "you forced me into a corner". Unfortunately he was in a round room at the time.

He was able to get his his guns because he simply lied on the Virginia buyers form. When asked if he was mentally stable, he checked off the box that said, "Yes, you mother fucker, I am fucking sane. I'm like Jesus. Believe me or I'll fucking eat your eyeballs" and by checking 'yes', he got his gun and the gun shop owner remained sighted.

Perhaps a stronger check might be in order. When I was kid, a security officer at my Dad's business applied for a gun permit in Philadelphia where we lived. Two detectives actually came to our house and had my old man sign an affidavit about the guy.

Today you can get a handgun if you can work the crane machine at the arcade properly. They're in the bin right next to the stuffed rabbits. "Go for the Glock, honey, I only have one quarter left".

I'll tell you, with all the nuts able to get guns, its not so far fetched that sane people ought to be well armed too. Of course, I'd probably shoot off my toe first time around, but I have nine more. Because maybe, just maybe, when Looney Tunes stopped to reload at Virginia Tech, somebody could have blown his balls off. Remember, I'm talking sane people here....like me!

GOOD NEWS ABOUT TAXES

2007-04-18T05:44:00.000-05:00

The IRS , in their never ending search for truth, justice and the American pay, has said that anyone having troubles from the lingering Nor'easter due to flooding has two days extra to file their taxes. To get the two day extension, all one has to do is write "April Nor'easter" in big letters at the top of the form and the always understanding IRS will let it go without a penalty. "This is as opposed to the usual note of "F _ _ k you", says the IRS.

Two whole days, wow! I spoke to a Mrs. Vilma Fingerdoo, 84 years old, who lives on the first floor in the building to the left as she was planning to dive in to retrieve her tax return in time to avoid a penalty as the waters aren't expected to recede until 3 days after the filing date.

She dove into freezing water in her bathing suit and never made it out. The IRS plans to sue her heirs.

I then spoke to IRS (Internal Revenue Scuba) agent Mike Nelson who said, "Nor'easter, my ass! Some of these cheats 'll do anything to get an extension. That's why I'm here. Just cause their house is underwater is no excuse! I was in the Lippman household in Hampton, New Hampshire for three hours underwater just looking for a Staples receipt they were using to illegally claim "paper clips" as office supplies. Couldn't find it either even though I went with my receipt sniffing dog, Ahab. Yeah, sure, they bought paper clips, my ass!"

"Your tax dollars at work.....Ahab and Mike in training for underwater receipt sniffing at Internal Revenue Scuba training academy in Pocatello, Idaho"!

Mike and Ahab head to Saco, Maine today to retrieve returns for other tax cheats attempting to file late using minor flooding as an excuse!

Bad Day at Blacksburg

2007-04-17T05:30:00.000-05:00

The guy who won yesterday's Boston Marathon was Robert Cheruiyot of Kenya. When he gets back home, his country will give him its highest award. He'll be known as a "Grand Kenyan".

That's the best I can do today. Ha Ha ! Yesterday sucked and it's hard to be funny today.It was a miserable day wherein 33 people got killed by some freaking nutcase at Virginia Tech, dead but still unidentified, who was screaming something about his girlfriend. And now we can begin a) the healing and b)the wait for a copycat crime somewhere else.
My son, who's studying in France this semester, has a best friend over there who goes to Virginia Tech. He's pretty shaken up as he gets the news from his buddy who was text messaged all day from friends on campus in Blacksburg and the news he was getting seemed to be accurate. It wasn't good. Even at a great distance, it affects me and my family. Six degrees of separation , so to speak.

Basically we've just learned what its like to go shopping in Baghdad. How do you stop one nut who is willing to die. So I'm not in a funny mood.

How the E-Z Pass was invented! The Story of Israel Bissell.

2007-04-16T06:25:00.000-05:00

What a miserable Monday morning here in Boston with heavy rains, a bit of flooding, grey skies and high winds as The Nor'easter stays with us through today, the day of The Boston Marathon, which will still run its 26 mile course. I'm debating whether to drive anywhere today and there's 10,000 folks getting ready to run...go figure! It's a week to celebrate endurance!

It was April 19th, 1776 when Paul Revere made his famous ride warning the populace that "The Yiddish are Coming", for the first 3 miles until somebody corrected him.

While Paulie was finishing that, an unsung hero (and this is true) was just getting started. His name was Israel Bissell and Izzy left the same day, after picking the short straw, I guess, from the western edge of Boston (Watertown, MA) for a 345 mile journey by horse to Philadelphia to warn all the towns along the way that the war had started.

He made it too. On the first leg... to Worcester (which, fyi, is pronounced "wuhsteh", not "war-chester").... he rode so hard that his horse dropped dead under him upon arrival ....two hours after he left . Besides the horse dying, the bad news is that 231 years later it takes about the same amount of time to get from Watertown to Worcester by car.

Bissell rode all through Connecticut and got to New York City at 4pm on April 23rd after leaving the 19th. This is approximately the same amount of time it takes a modern US Air passenger to make the same journey. He then rode 24 hours to Philadelphia, normally a six hour ride, but he took the Garden State Parkway , even though his wife had warned him, "Izzy, don't take the Parkway", but ,of course, he didn't listen......and he had no quarters on him.

Because.....He had carried with him a pass for the tolls, given to him by Mr. Revere himself, called an "IZZY Pass" but of course, it didn't work. No tollkeeper would give him a free run through the tolls and then , adding insult to injury, no New Jersey-ite would change a dollar for him. One storekeeper said he'd give him change if he bought gum, but gum wouldn't be invented for 100 years. He couldn't wait so he wound up having to take side roads and it took him 24 hours to get to Philly where 8,000 people greeted him and asked, "What took you so long?"

That was it. He did his job and was forgotten by history mostly because Longfellow couldn't think of anything cool that rhymed with Bissell..."thistle, whistle, nissell" ...or Israel ...." bail, tale, quail':"Listen my children and I'll you a tale,of a hard riding rider named Bissell, Israel."

So remember Izzy...inventor of the IZZY pass, as we celebrate endurance. He died at age 71 in 1823!

The Ho shootin' match!

2007-04-15T04:55:00.000-05:00

Last year, basketball legend, Red Auerbach of Boston Celtics fame died on the night we turned the clocks an 'hour back'. Don't believe me. Check it out!

THIS JUST IN......

Does anyone else find it odd that Don Ho,the famous Hawaiian singer, died yesterday , during the same week Don Imus got fired for saying "'ho".

Boy, when Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton say "no mo ho" on the airwaves, they don't kid around , do they ?