Comedy Central's Jokes.com: Joke of the Day

Paul Varghese: Knock Knock Joke

Comedy Central — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 00:00:00 EDT

My friend's a Jehovah's Witness. He got all pissed at me because he tried to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.

Myq Kaplan: Long Distance Relationship

Comedy Central — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 00:00:00 EDT

The best part about dating someone who is overweight is, if it's long distance, the distance is slightly less long. And gravity pulls you even closer. So, science really working for you.

B.J. Novak: Learned Nothing in College

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

I learned nothing in college. It was really kind of my own fault. I had a double major: psychology and reverse psychology.

Christian Finnegan: Trivial Pursuit

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

You know what I'm great at? Trivial Pursuit. What good is that gonna do you in life? It has the word 'trivial' in the name. The game is basically telling you that you pursue trivial things. Trivial -- as in not important. Trivial -- as in maybe you should've gone to grad school.

Bill Burr: What Cubicles Say

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, 'You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody.'

Greg Fitzsimmons: Orange Alert at the Airport

Comedy Central — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 00:15:00 EST

They make that announcement, 'If you notice anything unusual, please immediately report it to airport security.' So, I grab the guy, I go, 'Yeah, I just saw somebody pay $11 for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. And right around the corner, they're selling luggage inside the airport. I'm going to do another lap. I'll let you know if I see anything.'

Demetri Martin: Glitter

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

I like to do crafts. I work with glitter quite a bit. Don't worry, I make tough stuff like daggers and skulls. The thing about glitter is, if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever 'cause glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Ted Alexandro: Personal Trainer

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

My sister's a personal trainer. That's a tough job. I don't think I can do that. You gotta help people with their fitness goals. 'Can you help me define my abs?' 'Yeah -- disgusting, sloppy, gelatinous.'

Paul F. Tompkins: Had to Be There

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

If something is inherently funny, it's relatable after the fact. Anyone who says, 'You had to be there,' should just not have told you the thing in the first place because it's not funny.

John Mulaney: Meanest People in the World

Comedy Central — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 00:00:00 EST

Thirteen-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day... because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don't like about you. They don't even have to look at you for long. They'll just be like, 'Ha, ha, ha, ha, hey, look at that high waisted man. He got feminine hips.' And I'm like, 'No! That's the thing I'm sensitive about.'

Tom Papa: Shouldn't Drink

Comedy Central — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 00:00:00 EST

Remember when you were a kid and they told you you shouldn't drink? 'Well you really shouldn't drink; it won't solve all your problems. You're just going to forget about them for a little while.' Alright, line 'em up. Sounds good to me. It's better than thinking about this all the time.

Mike Birbiglia: A Little Unstable

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Pete Holmes: Employee Discount

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think it's 'just take it'?

Dov Davidoff: Dressing Up Like a Referee

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker. You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure. The guy's like, 'Wait a second, can I help you?' I was like, 'Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee. Maybe we could work it out together.' And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and I'll be like, 'Do I look like I work here, chief?'

Kyle Grooms: Tap Water

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

I know tap water. I grew up drinking it, I did. My mother wouldn't buy anything else. But she tried to make tap water sound delicious. She called it 'city punch.'

Whitney Cummings: Problem With Vampires

Comedy Central — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 00:00:00 EDT

The problem with vampires is they look like they're 20, but they're actually 100 years old. So you'll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people. And then you take him out to a nightclub, and he's doing the Charleston. Or you think he's cheating on you, so you go through his journal. You're like, 'Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman? Who the f**k is that?'

Louis C.K.: Hey, That's Mine

Comedy Central — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 01:02:00 EST

I like New York. This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, 'Hey, that's mine. Don't pee on that.'

Michael Showalter: Comedy for the First Time

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

Doing comedy for the first time for me was very similar to losing my virginity. It was awkward, uncomfortable, but I did get a lot of laughs.

Ron White: Death Penalty in Texas

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

In Texas, we have the death penalty and we use it. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

Jim Gaffigan: Gym Teacher Aspirations

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 07:19:00 EDT

You think when gym teachers are younger, they're thinking, 'You know I want to teach, but I don't want to read'?

Brian Regan: One Eye Set Higher

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 07:19:00 EDT

My eye doctor told me this, I'm not making this up. He goes, 'You know you have one eye set a little bit higher than your other eye?' 'No, I didn't know that.' He goes, 'It's no big deal; it doesn't affect your vision or anything. I just thought you might want to be self-conscious for the rest of your life.'

Brian Posehn: Having a Baby

Comedy Central — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 00:15:00 EST

I was just surprised when my wife told me we were having a baby. I was like, 'Wow, that's awesome. You're going to make a great single mom.'

Hari Kondabolu: Where Are You From?

Comedy Central — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 00:00:00 EST

He's like, 'Hey, man, where are you from?' So I told him, 'I'm from Queens, New York.' And then he's like, 'No, I mean where are you really from?' Which, for those of you who don't know, that's code for, 'No, I mean, why aren't you white?'

Laura Kightlinger: Holidays for the Lonely

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

It goes: Christmas, New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day. Is that fair to anyone who's alone? Those are all days when you gotta be with someone. And if you didn't get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Year's -- boom! there's Valentine's Day for you. I think there should be just one more holiday after Valentine's Day, just for the stragglers -- and it should be called, Who Could Love You?

Marc Maron: The Real Losers

Comedy Central — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 00:00:00 EST

I feel bad for people who've never been addicted to anything. Cause they're the real losers. You wanna know why? Cause they don't know what it's like to really want something. And get it. Again and again and again, until they're sick and have to stop. That's passion.

Lewis Black: Oral Olympic Sport

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 07:19:00 EDT

Oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it's harder than curling, and if you're good at it, you deserve a medal.

Todd Barry: Funnier Live

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

I did a show in Pittsburgh. A woman runs up to me after the show, all smiling, and she's like, 'Oh my God, you were so much funnier live than you were on Comedy Central.' And I just wanted to say to her, 'You know, I bet your comments are better televised.'

Wanda Sykes: Ain't Payin' for No Naked-Ass Man

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

My girlfriend called me because one of our other friends is getting married. So, they told me I had to pitch in for a male stripper. I said, 'You out your damn mind. I ain't payin' for no naked-ass man.' I mean, you think about it -- women? We really don't have to pay to see that. I mean, really -- we spend most of our time trying not to see that.

Nate Bargatze: Big Business

Comedy Central — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 00:00:00 EST

A lot of people don't like Wal-Mart, they say it's big business; like it kills the Mom-and-Pop shops. But really Wal-Mart, they were a Mom-and-Pop shop at some point and then they got their act together and became unbelievable.

Felipe Esparza: Not a Threesome Body

Comedy Central — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 00:00:00 EDT

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body -- this is a tell nobody.

Greg Giraldo: High Self-Esteem

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

If everyone grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip clubs?

Nick Kroll: Same Perfume

Comedy Central — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 00:15:00 EST

My mother and my girlfriend are wearing the same perfume, which is weird because, all of a sudden, I'm attracted to my girlfriend.

T.J. Miller: Holding a Baby

Comedy Central — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 00:00:00 EST

This woman wouldn't let me hold her baby the other day because she said I was too drunk. First of all, don't bring your baby into the bar. And second of all, if I'm drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar.

Dov Davidoff: Starbucks Service

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

I said, 'That's the wrong drink.' And he said, 'Sorry, dude, I'm tired.' And I was like, 'Have a frickin' coffee, man. That's why I'm here.'

Tony Roberts: Old Grandmother

Comedy Central — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 00:15:00 EDT

My grandmother is older than the word 'supper.'

Owen Smith: Born in the Bahamas

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

I was born in the Bahamas -- Nassau, Bahamas. Yeah, came to the United States when I was one because I needed work.

Anthony Jeselnik: Better Man

Comedy Central — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 00:00:00 EDT

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person -- so I can get a better girlfriend.

Kristen Schaal: Werewolf to the Moon

Comedy Central — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 00:00:00 EST

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

Pete Holmes: The Museum

Comedy Central — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 00:00:00 EDT

I don't care about the museum, I only care that people think I'm the kind of guy who goes to museums.

Julian McCullough: Male Cleaning Schedule

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

I used to live with five straight guys and -- ew, the cleaning schedule was 'nope.'

Amy Schumer: Blackout Drunk

Comedy Central — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 00:00:00 EDT

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

JB Smoove: Sound System

Comedy Central — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 00:15:00 EDT

I did a club one night -- the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.

Gabriel Iglesias: Looking for a Pregnancy Test

Comedy Central — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 02:00:00 EST

I don't even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. I'm looking at all the aisles -- they don't have one that says 'oops.'

Jeffrey Ross: Sexually Transmitted

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

Wouldn't it be great if our bodies were designed so that instead of bad things, good things could be transmitted through sex? Like skills. 'Oh baby, I'm gonna do you 'til you can juggle.' 'Oh my God, don't stop 'til I'm a carpenter, computer programming, air conditioner refrigeration, auto mechanic -- whatever the hell Sally Struthers says in that commercial.' 'How was your date last night? You get lucky?' 'I think my resume speaks for itself.'

Jim Gaffigan: Lost Remote

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 07:19:00 EDT

You ever look for the remote control, you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, it looks like I'm not watching TV.'

Rickey Smiley: White Church

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

I joined a white church because white people get out on time.

Jo Koy: Three-Year-Old Son

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

I've got a three-year-old son. It's like living with a crazy midget.

Corey Holcomb: Break-Up House

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

I guarantee, you're gonna have to get out of your house. I know it's your house and you bought it, but what you don't realize is that's her house, and she's basically letting you live there while things are going OK.

Chelsea Handler: AA Meetings

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics -- I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.

Kevin Hart: When You Lost a Fight to Your Woman

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. That's how you know it didn't go as you planned.

Tom Papa: Guy in a Speedo

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.

Chelsea Peretti: Getting Attacked

Comedy Central — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 00:00:00 EST

I always think, what would I do if someone tried to get me? My first thought is just something dumb, like I'd try to pick my nose and just be gross. In my mind a rapist is just some white hat frat boy who'd just be like, 'Ugh nasty, forget it. Learn some manners.'

Shane Mauss: Girlfriend Strip Club

Comedy Central — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 00:15:00 EST

I told Maggie I wanted to go to a strip club. She said this to me, she goes, 'What do you want to go to a strip club for? I'll strip for you.' I was like, 'How great is that? I guess I'll just tell my friends to come over here.'

Chris Rock: Natural Causes

Comedy Central — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 17:00:00 EDT

When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, its natural causes. Cause if you was younger, you'd got out of the way.

Kirk Fox: Defibrillator

Comedy Central — Sat, 30 Apr 2011 00:15:00 EDT

You've got seconds to live, and whoever invented this thing gave it five syllables. Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of a rush job? ... Shouldn't they at least call it defibrillnow?

Natasha Leggero: Male Comics

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

Male comics are always coming up to me, and they're like, 'Hey, Natasha, don't you think you're a little attractive to be a comedian?' And I'm like, 'Don't you think you're a little ugly to be talking to me?'

Chelsea Handler: Is It OK?

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?

Kurt Metzger: Mayan Calendar and 2012

Comedy Central — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 00:15:00 EDT

Why would they know the end of the world? They didn't have any pants. Did you know that? They didn't have the invention of pants. You think you can crack the secrets of the universe but not the secret of pockets? They just made a lot of calendars and they never said it's the end of the world -- goofy white people made that up.

Jacob Sirof: New Year's Baby

Comedy Central — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 00:15:00 EDT

We had our first two years ago -- on New Year's Eve. That's a rockin' birthday. Kind of f**ks any New Year's plans I might have had for the rest of my life, but whatever, kids can be selfish.

Rich Vos: Divorce Sucks

Comedy Central — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 22:41:00 EST

Divorce sucks. Let me tell you, after five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out.