tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60790782024-12-18T19:30:24.773-08:00John Branyan's Comedy SojournLet's talkUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger149125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-24420904971098924772013-12-22T19:34:00.001-08:002013-12-22T19:34:59.895-08:00Whining About How I Miss Christmas
Boy, I miss Christmas.
The old kind of Christmas.
Without all the 'commercialism'.
When Christmas was free!
It costs nothing to bask in the spirit of the season.
There were no gaudy electric lights...
...powered by the filth of burning fossil fuel.
We decorated with piles of rocks and sticks.
We saved our fingernail clippings and used them to construct festive wreaths.
Before Christmas Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-3512734946657079872013-12-19T04:58:00.000-08:002013-12-19T04:58:55.346-08:00Never Call A Marxist a Marxist
I wish I had the power to ignore the definition of words.
People with this power seem so happy.
Here's a guy who has that power.
Such a happy article about Marxism being an important part of Christianity.
I'm sure Karl Marx would agree.
Marx said, "Religion is the impotence of the human mind to deal with occurrences it cannot understand."
...could have come straight from the Sermon on Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-13945033366975898282013-12-05T07:01:00.001-08:002013-12-05T07:01:43.210-08:00This Was Stolen From YouUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-63226209190642590922013-12-05T03:21:00.000-08:002013-12-05T03:21:20.087-08:00Prime ThesisUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-52608886418158499592013-12-03T14:00:00.000-08:002013-12-03T14:00:00.085-08:00Important LabelsUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-24687397537148337242013-12-02T14:30:00.000-08:002013-12-02T14:30:00.444-08:00Useless ChristiansUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-75684764298484735442013-12-01T14:00:00.000-08:002013-12-01T14:00:00.381-08:00What You Don't BelieveUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-68496823538929932902013-11-30T13:52:00.000-08:002013-11-30T13:52:11.505-08:00Kudos to UnbeliefUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-30090852539263925422013-09-18T16:53:00.003-07:002013-09-18T16:53:29.857-07:00Paper Hangers and Butt Kickers
Whenever you ask my uncle how he's doing he'll say,
"I'm busier than a one armed paper hanger."
Sometimes he's even busier.
"Busier than a one legged man at a butt kicking contest."
Are there enough Butt Kicking Contests to keep a person busy?
Maybe.
As busy as a one armed paper hanger?
"A" one armed paper hanger...
Not "THE" one armed paper hanger...
...so evidently there's more than Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-10824546317968097802013-09-05T10:19:00.004-07:002013-09-05T10:19:47.973-07:00How We Should Define Marriage
Why is it that only married people can get divorced?
Shouldn't divorce be available to everybody...equally?
It's time that divorce be made to reflect the values of our culture.
Any two people should be allowed to divorce.
If they truly despise one another
...should they be denied a divorce simply because they aren't married?
IS THIS THE MIDDLE AGES?!!
And it's high time we redefine marriage.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-32499914477212210472013-08-28T03:52:00.002-07:002013-08-28T03:53:18.390-07:00Harry vs. Hannah
When Harry Potter went to Hogwarts...
...a lot of people went berserk.
"It's teaching kids that magic is okay!"
Yep. After they saw that movie...
My kids started using invisibility to eavesdrop on conversations.
...they regularly traveled through time.
...I hid my broom because they kept flying it around the neighborhood.
Finally, I had to confront them.
"It's just a movie," I said.
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-78114682604786303252013-08-13T08:14:00.000-07:002013-08-13T08:14:24.757-07:00Nobody's THAT Funny
People think it's funny at my house all the time.
I know this is true because
They've said, "I bet it's funny at your house all the time!"
Gosh, no.
Not even MOST of the time.
Sitcoms are an illusion.
No real people are as funny as sitcom people.
Here's a script for a scene from a sitcom.
It's called "The Standard Sitcom Household"
(Dad is fixing an alarm clock on the counter.)
(Mom walks Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-79240984432969881622013-08-08T03:41:00.000-07:002013-08-08T07:04:57.935-07:00The Dead Disciples
Although they're not perfect examples,
I like zombie movies anyway.
To me, they're not horror fiction.
They're documentaries.
Zombie movies reflect the true state of western culture.
The difference between the zombies on screen and the zombies in the theater seats is...
...the seat zombies eat popcorn instead of brains
...for now.
Should I list the similarities?
Zombies never read the Bible...
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-45525999219569813282013-03-12T04:42:00.003-07:002013-03-12T04:42:44.421-07:00Dear Anonymous
Let me just say this in all sincerity.
I DON'T CARE THAT OLD ENGLISH ISN'T MIDDLE ENGLISH.
You have apparently lost sleep over this issue.
Take a pill and go create something.
Do you still remember how?
Or has your final ember of imagination burned out?
(I know, embers are fire related...don't send me a snarky comment...)
The reason I wrote my story is because I thought it was funny.
What Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-47686501245127059382013-03-07T04:47:00.000-08:002013-03-07T04:47:34.113-08:00Unbelievable
A few years back I was discussing the concept of missions with someone.
Missions being ministry related activities in foreign countries.
The person with whom I was speaking said,
"We need to first take care of the people right here at home!"
I agree with this sentiment completely
...if home is in Uganda or Haiti.
I heard an actual child living in this "U.S. Mission Field" say,
"There's Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-21927748034557088672012-12-18T04:26:00.002-08:002012-12-19T11:05:29.349-08:00Do You Mind?
I'm not going to ask anymore.
A guy asked me if he could pray for me.
Naturally, I said 'yes'.
I'd have to be a 'class-A' jerk to say 'no'.
Especially in this context...
...the guy was a pastor and I was doing a show at his church.
"The comedian wouldn't let me pray for him."
"...have we already sent his check?"
Why ask permission to pray for someone?
Odds are that you're going Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-37238643197805906082012-12-12T09:58:00.001-08:002012-12-12T11:00:19.403-08:00
There was blood on his jacket.
Nice touch!
When your story is that you were robbed moments ago,
...blood on the jacket lends credibility.
There was a drizzle of red peeking out from under his hat too.
It was 10:30 pm in downtown San Diego.
I was pumping gas into my rented car when he walked up.
"I hate to bother you," he explained.
A dark red smear was visible down his neck.
Similar red Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-59376787451357188312012-12-04T19:49:00.000-08:002012-12-05T08:59:56.960-08:00Judge Not...Yeah, Right.
Quick!
Yes or No...
The Bible says, "Do not judge your neighbor."
Yes!
I mean...no!
Right?
Well, it SHOULD say that...
Judging another person is wrong.
...that's my judgment anyway.
Live and let live!
Wear a blindfold.
Otherwise, you might see ugly people.
"Do not judge your neighbor!"
You might see gorgeous people.
"Do not judge your neighbor!"
Wear earplugs.
Otherwise, you'll hear someoneUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-64366264704336988942012-11-28T06:30:00.000-08:002012-11-28T06:30:00.318-08:00Get Yer' Stupid Tickets
If most of the population in this country was smart,
some things would disappear immediately.
The lottery, for example, would vanish overnight.
...because smart people understand statistics.
Smart people know about compound interest...
and the value of ten dollars invested in an IRA...
...versus ten dollars invested in a scratch-off ticket.
In a country dominated by smart people,
winning the Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-31463766595470417722012-11-20T09:16:00.001-08:002012-11-20T09:16:58.202-08:00Blackened Turkey
Christmas decorations have been up since last month.
I guess somebody needs to break it to retailers.
...there's another Holiday between Halloween and Christmas.
Thanksgiving gets overlooked by everyone except people who sell turkey.
That's because it's difficult to monetize a spirit of gratitude.
...expressing thanks doesn't require a trip to Wal-Mart.
...we haven't figured out how to make Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-80119987228921288512012-11-10T09:36:00.000-08:002012-11-10T18:59:28.112-08:00Tolerating Werewolves
I don't think people understand what 'tolerate' means.
When I accuse someone of being a moron
...I'm still behaving with tolerance.
And when you tell me to stop calling them names
...you're being intolerant of my opinions.
There's a difference between tolerance and acquiescence.
...I will tolerate you not knowing what acquiesce means.
...I acquiesce that many of you won't bother to look it up.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-18756840106848108642012-11-01T09:09:00.001-07:002012-11-01T09:09:43.204-07:00Bar Stool Economics
Got this from a friend. (I didn't write it.)
The last 2 lines are, in my opinion, the most profound.
Suppose
that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes
to $100 and if they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would
go something like this:The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.The fifth would pay $1.The sixth would pay $3.The seventh wouldUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-37732789948715239342012-09-23T05:57:00.000-07:002012-09-23T06:11:43.623-07:00Nature vs. The Universe
I've a friend who only buys "All natural" products.
Only takes homeopathic medicine.
"These ingredients are natural."
"They occur in nature."
There are no other kinds of ingredients!
Where do pharmaceuticals come from?
Where do we get Morphine?
...We rip open a hole in the space/time continuum
...Reach through and scrape the feezly dust off a jimba-jimba bug
...Living on Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-34032065657690481182012-09-06T04:37:00.000-07:002012-09-06T04:37:39.825-07:00If Elected, I Promise...
The last couple of days I've been thinkinig.
In Jr. High School I ran for Student Body President (POTJHSB)
I didn't win.
As I watch the DNC this week, I've learned a thing or two.
If I could go back to Jr. High and re-run my campaign...
I would make a few changes in my platform.
If elected, I promise that...
...no student in the lower 49% of the grading scale will be required to do homework
.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6079078.post-44263258872447875662012-08-16T04:33:00.000-07:002012-08-16T04:33:06.755-07:00Too Big for Football
Every now and then I read a story that renews my faith in mankind.
Not very often though.
I read about a 12 year old boy in Texas
barred from playing Pee Wee Football
because he stands six foot tall and weighs 300 pounds.
For those of you who've never seen an average 12 year old,
that's big.
For those of you who've never seen a baby giraffe,
that's still big.
The amusing aspect of this Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0